THE MISERABLIST - Goldsmiths, University of London

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THE MISERABLIST
£3.50
because life is shit
July 2007
issue one
fail.
crying>
drugs>
big fight>
french politics>
festival guide>
contents
THE MISERABLIST
MISERABLISTS:
Michael Begg
Cheryl Caira
Claire Daly
Ally Lee
Melanie Smith
NEWS
Editorial In The News 5
5
OPINION
Misery Guts Down The Hole I Hate Mediocrity Fuck Off Boris People & Their Bloody Kids
6
7
8
9
26
FEATURES
Quelle Domage Crap Buildings I Hate Festivals Sex Is Rubbish Beam Me Up Scottie Beginner’s Guide To West London 10
12
16
20
23
28
REGULARS
Big Fight In Praise Of ... Dear Miserablist How To ... What The Fuck Are You Wearing? 14
15
19
22
30
NEWS
Welcome
D
oes modern life ever tire you? Are you just a little fed up with its unquestioning acceptance of the fashionable, its uncritical lusting after celebrity,
its unthinking enthusiasm for absolutely everything? Do you find it hard sometimes even to summon the energy to throw your remote control at yet
another piece of mindless, derivative televisual slop? Are columnists repellent to you with their depressing solipsism? Would you find it difficult to
care any less about politicians, people’s children, celebrities, the smoking ban, summer music festivals, people’s drug experiences, Facebook, or seven steps
to a turbo-charged sex life? Wouldn’t it be nice, for once, to read something that didn’t tell you what was fantastic or essential? Something maybe even just
a bit nasty?
Michael Begg
Welcome, Dear Reader, to The Miserablist.
IN THE NEWS
Words: Michael Begg & Cheryl Caira
YOU’RE FIRED (AGAIN)
COPS GET SCIENTIFIC
Katie Hopkins, semi-finalist on Sir Alan Sugar’s BBC2 reality business
With soaring crime rates in the UK, hooded assassins waiting round every
back-stabbing contest The Apprentice, has been sacked from her real-life
corner and guns as easy to buy as McDonalds, the police have decided that
job as brand consultant to the Met Office. Having seen her take unpaid
something must be done, and have asked universities to study the reasons
leave during her probationary period in the job, catalogue her abilities
why violent crime levels rise when there’s a full moon. Brighton bouncer
at lying and cheating to get what she wants and apparently exaggerate
Terry Wing commented, “When there is a full moon out we look at the sky
her salary, all on national television, Katie’s employers decided she wasn’t
and say, ‘Oh no, all the idiots will be out tonight.’ I will start looking at the
quite what they’d been looking for as a colleague. With what sounds like
back of people’s hands for hair next time.” The police also plan to make
customary self-awareness for a contestant of the show, she told the BBC
suspects repeat their stories backwards, as research has apparently shown
that the Met Office, “didn’t think it through” that her appearance might
that people trying to pull a fast one are unable to carry out this complicated
generate negative publicity. If only the Met Office had been able to
task. It is not known whether they intend to start measuring people’s noses
forecast events as clearly as Katie.
to see if they grow while giving statements.
THE PRESIDENT CAME TO ALBANIA
AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY
WATCH
LONDON OLYMPICS LOGO UNVEILED
Speculation is rife in the media that US President George Bush, on a
state visit to Albania, had his watch stolen as he embraced members of
a crowd gathered to meet him in the capital Tirana on Sunday. Albanian
news footage of the event (http://youtube.com/watch?v=PKDdF6vfjoo)
shows the President wading happily into the well-wishers, with a blackstrapped watch clearly visible on his left wrist, only to emerge moments
later from a series of particularly enthusiastic clinches, bare-wristed (but
still happy). A White House spokesman denied Bush’s watch was stolen
by someone in the crowd. “The president put it in his pocket and it
returned safely home,” he said. It has not been reported whether there
were any wheels left on the presidential limousine upon the Bush’s return
to the vehicle.
The Miserablist
July 2007
5
RANT
MISERY GUTS
HOW TO SPOT A SPOILT BRAT
Words: Claire Daly
RANT
FAT BASTARDS
Words: Cheryl Caira
satisfactory in public when we leave the house, so
perhaps you could see if your mass fortune could
stretch to a can of Sure and a new frock.
DOWN THE
HAPPY PEOPLE MUST DIE
HOLE...
“Cheer up love, it might never happen!” Or even
worse, some Monty Python aficionado git, who
doesn’t think it is enough to simply speak but
has to sing the nauseating first notes of “Always
A CURE FOR
ANAL FLATMATES
Look on the Bright Side of Life.” These are the
optimists happily living in denial around us and
trying to puncture our miserablist existence with
their inane cheer and goodwill. These are the
people we quite regularly want to push in front
M
of a bus so they can truly begin to understand
roll my eyes like a teenager, shout “No” at the top
surprises” by Radiohead. Their joyful brains won’t
of my voice and give into an uncontrollable urge
be able to deal with it and they’ll retreat.
y flatmate recently asked me, “Were
the phrase, “You could get run over by a bus
you thinking of cleaning the bathroom
tomorrow.” Try retorting with, “It will happen
anytime soon?” My first instinct was to
mate, death comes to us all,” or softly singing “No
Eerie sounding,
brightly coloured ice
cream vans
You all look like kiddy fiddlers.
to run to the bathroom and slosh toothpaste all
over the place.
Instead, I decided to have a friend disarrange
week, I sat down in front of some daytime TV
her huge stack of anally-retentively inspired
with my lunch, hoping to cure myself. Alas,
alphabetically ordered CDs. If she noticed straight
this was not to be, as I was confronted with the
away, it would be certain that she has an extreme
sight of two beyond obese Americans, moving
level of OCD that is almost off the chart.
sloth-like through their fat clinic’s canteen. As
One day, I unthinkingly put the cups in the
I was treated to a close-up of them devouring
poured coffee onto the upturned cup, splashing
some sort of laxative-laced soup, their gender
turd-coloured liquid all over her spick and span
barely discernable as the movement of their jowls
kitchen. My face cracked into an unrestrained grin
swallowed up their face. So disgusted and put off
and laughter filled the room.
my food was I by their performance that I wasted
housemate persists in ordering me to vacuum her
Taking my revenge, I sprinkled my vegetarian
S
to perform their own drag show.
Fair trade coffee
I like helping the poor but not if my coffee
tastes completely putrid.
DEAD BORING
a whole carton of thin people’s, fairly expensive
Covent Garden soup.
bedroom and do the dishes, so I have decided it
is time to make her life difficult.
There is nothing beneficial about watching
brainless people who wear enough makeup
their cankles finally got them to the finishing line,
cupboard upside down. She took one out and
It was all in good fun, but now my
Shipwrecked
On one particularly hungover occasion last
with are away for the weekend and the rest are
RANCID RAHS
times. Fabulous. The only option left is an
Next, I removed a jumper from her neatly folded
Indian for one and a night of dire Saturday night
drawers, wore it to a sweaty gig, ‘forgot’ to clean
TV. But wait, instead of being able to glean some
it, and then left it for a few weeks strewn across
amusement from laughing at the various reality
the floor amongst my own endearing mess.
TV contestants, you have to endure something
far more disturbing. Another “I would scratch
To spot a spoilt brat, listen and count the
I ‘accidentally’ sloshed some red wine over her
my eyes out for the music” punter has wibbled
have been painstakingly reared by parents
number of times they say “I” in a sentence, look
white sofa; after all, it was her fault for parking
onto the stage, and is dedicating a song to his
short on time and loose on cash. Many
for a deep-set grumpy face with an upturned
her full wine glass next to her ridiculous flowery
dead grandmother/dog/palm tree. Listen son,
spoilt brats suffer from only child-itus and have
nose, and check for a wiggly-hipped walk. A spoilt
sofa. I rubbed some salt into the fresh sofa
even if good old granny is up there watching over
been bossing about their nannies from the age of
brat’s favourite pastimes are picking arguments
wound, and, leaving her to clean up the mess, I
your earthly presence, she certainly isn’t going to
two. Beware, spoilt brats order everyone about
for the sake of it, stamping their feet when they
fled for my life.
appreciate you devoting some shite Westlife cover
from a very young age and turn on the fake-tear-
don’t win and arguing back to people in authority.
for life, whereas others gradually slip into
account and a country estate filled with pheasants
normality after their childhood. People fear
and deer, which you shoot whenever you feel
their tightly disciplined classroom.
being called a spoilt brat because it’s a sign of
like having some chums round. Why then do
selfishness. But, if you recognise any of these
you feel the need to go out to clubs and bars
people The Miserablist would least enjoy being
traits in yourself, The Miserablist recommends
dressed in moth-eaten jumpers, grey, slobby
stuck in a lift with. Spoilt brats think they rule the
you book yourself in for some serious toy-sharing
jogging bottoms and with hair like a pigeon’s
world and that they can have their cake and eat
therapy, perhaps get involved in the Middle East
nest? (And no doubt there is some animal life
it. They even gain a certain kind of respect, not
peace process or work on a group charity project
in there, considering the amount certain rahs
because they deserve it, but because people can’t
in India. That should sort you out.
seem to wash). Us peasants who only have ½ an
6
July 2007
acre of garden manage to make ourselves look
The Miserablist
type slogan staining their t-shirts.
Prince Harry
Enough of the violins. He can’t go to war
and that’s that. He has to carry out the far
more noble duty of keeping every Mayfair
bar afloat so that other useless toffs can
continue to drink there.
So you have a title, a credit card for daddy’s
ruler to smack pupils who verge over the line in
be bothered to argue against them.
to pay for sitting next to a bunch of hens
with cheap vodka and an “I WANT COCK”
to her whilst weeping over the microphone.
Words: Claire Daly
teacher at age five, they are likely to whip out a
In later life, they become the unbearable
pence but that is still too much of a price
You’ve watched every DVD you own several
poilt brats are a special kind of breed. They
Some spoilt brats suffer from the condition
The flights may be going online for ½ a
doing something boring with their other halves.
flatmate’s fruit tea bags with powdered gravy.
I was still not satisfied with the result, so
taps when they don’t get their way. When playing
Ryanair
All the friends you normally go out on the piss
Words: Cheryl Caira
The Miserablist
July 2007
7
POLITICS
MEDIOCRITY
I HATE MEDIOCRITY
FUCK OFF
Words: Ally Lee
T
he other day, whilst sharing a bus stop, I
are some plugged-in types waiting to head home
overheard a 20-something man speaking
further north or those desperate to continue their
loudly into his mobile, making after-work
journey into Shoreditch or Central. But as for the
plans. Something to do with a celebration,
rest ...
having made the most sales, real-estate, meeting
Angel has no scene or pulse – it’s just a heap
Using office lingo outside of office work:
Someone called to “touch base” about our
evening plans. Yeah. Fine, you have a job that
probably pays alright, but gimme a break now.
the rest of the guys. He was dressed casually
of mediocrity lumped into one unfortunate area,
in straight-but-sorta-skinny-jeans, a starched
attracting more and more of the same. The
shirt and some pastel-coloured jumper – Top
taxidermy store on Essex road is wasted there.
Man catalogue page 15. Annoying laugh. An
If you think Shoreditch has lost its cool, just
we’ve all felt the ‘empty fullness’ of consuming a
‘I’ve got a fashionable haircut’ sort. Unfair and
remember how unpleasant it is a bit further north.
so-so meal.
‘Celebs’:
The Northern Line:
Sex:
Look at it this way: sex is like food. And
judgemental? Sure. But it got me thinking ... I
hate mediocrity. Maybe to some, mediocrity isn’t
far removed from ‘average’ or ‘ordinary’; but the
Especially the contemporary ones famous
Anyone who travels on the London
connotation should always be taken as ‘barely
for nothing – like the person who wound up
Underground’s Northern Line with any degree
adequate’ or ‘rather poor’. It’s when something
on Big Brother, famous as the only non-famous
of regularity knows how awful it is. Completely
is distinctly not as good as it could be or is trying
one there. And it isn’t fair that they get to live
unpredictable. It’s the only line (disregarding the
to be. And it becomes plain painful when that
in their world; the way that law enforcement
Hammersmith & City Line, which was created in
‘something’ in question is blissfully unaware of its
continues to prove that celebs will not – under
1854 as a practical joke amongst the elite) where
own mediocre condition.
any circumstances – be treated like the rest of
one can expect to wait 10 minutes or more for
society, and that every effort will be made to keep
the next train. People need to get quickly to
them above the law.
places like Old Street and Camden, and to get
To be mediocre is to settle. It is to
compromise easily, without effort or imagination.
If you are willing to tolerate it, then you are
How the hell does showing up for a court
South of the river. But apparently the Northern
happy to conspire against talent. If you decline
date or not intentionally killing someone count as
Line runs on dated tracks that limit the speed of
to hate it, you surely lack passion. To a degree,
good behaviour? The injury excuses are the best.
its trains. FIX IT.
we can select how much of this torture we
Every now and then one of our stars will have
subject ourselves to. Take, for instance, music,
‘slipped down a restaurant’s marble steps and
painting, the arts – things where mediocrity
fractured four bones in their back’. Yeah, that
is obviously intolerable. But the fact is that
always happens to me when I fall down stairs – I
rise has seen millions of unsavvy interweb losers
anyone but himself and possibly his constituency
mediocrity is ubiquitous. Our general tolerance of
wind up breaking my back. Sometimes when I
sign-up and go buckwild giddy with initiation.
(as there is no evidence to the contrary). In a
the third-rate is saddening.
kick a chair I burst into flames.
Now I don’t even like MySpace much, but
recent incident, Johnson and his family arrived
Since when was it better to be completely flat
Facebook:
Juvenile and for rookies. An astronomical
at least there you can personalise your page
late for a flight from Luton Airport and could not
board because the plane was full. Not satisfied
and lacking personality, than to be good, or bad,
Sidefact: 40% of adolescent Americans believe
and your movements aren’t tracked like some
or at least something?
they will become famous, according to Popbitch.
big brother spy network. And we all know what
The bus arrived and I settled into a seat
upstairs. I started to compile a mental list of
some of the mediocre things I’m exposed to.
Angel, Islington:
Remember that estate agent guy? Angel is
that guy. The shops, the pubs, the restaurants
– those that don’t already belong to a chain look
punished for his actions. He doesn’t care about
with having to wait a day for the next flight and
Words: Melanie Smith
MySpace did for the music industry, ultimately
Untalented buskers:
making things very accessible to all. You can
They’re EVERYWHERE. Strumming the
conduct business on MySpace; get in touch with
wrong chords and singing someone else’s song
companies, set-up interviews, line-up work and
really badly is nothing special. And you’re cleaner
projects. MySpace feels real and relevant.
and better dressed than I am? What sort of
busking is that?
The standard for this line of work must
With Facebook, all those losers from high
school are suddenly tracking you down to be
€250 in compensation, he proceeded to make
his importance known by standing on a window
B
ledge in the departure gate and loudly offering
oris Johnson is an elitist toff - an old
passengers £2,000 each for two seats. After all,
Etonian who plays the blundering buffoon
why should he have to wait 24 hours to fly? He
to make himself seem “endearing” to the
has made scathing comments about whole cities
public to increase his popularity. This tiresome
of people – he used the execution of Ken Bigley
added as a friend. What we really have here is
act seems to have beguiled almost everyone.
to insult Liverpudlians saying that they “wallow”
as if they’d love to. Everything there is copied
be high. You gotta be pretty damn good at
a huge melting pot of clueless people posting
His intelligence allows him to juggle a list of high
in their “victim status”, which he called a “deeply
from somewhere else, and there isn’t a metre of
something for people to actually notice you for
photos and laughing to weak inside jokes. And
profile jobs – MP for Henley, Shadow Minister for
unattractive psyche of many in the city”, and he
originality in the whole stretch from the tube to
a few seconds AND decide to give you money.
people are giving in like flies and signing-up,
Higher Education, Editor of The Spectator, Col-
insulted the people of Portsmouth, saying, “Here
the green. It’s desperate to be accepted in some
You know that tramp at Covent Garden literally
scared to fall behind.
umnist for The Daily Telegraph and GQ, television
we are, in one of the most depressed towns in
form, hopelessly unaware of its banality.
shouting through a traffic funnel – ‘Nick and his
personality and author – and his public persona is
Southern England, a place that is arguably too
just another job on the list. But we’re not fooled.
full of drugs, obesity, underachievement.” He
The streets are littered with those who have
chosen to come to Angel as a destination. But
Magical Cone’? Now he’s got it going on, ’cos he’s
not trying to fool anyone.
Angel is not a destination. It’s where you wind
up when you don’t know where else to be or have
New Zealand:
found yourself resigned. There are a ka-zillion
I was gonna say Canada, but being boring is
better places to be for pubs, nightlife, markets,
at least something. Then I thought of Australia,
galleries and, well, anything.
but there’s too many stereotypes – and hence an
Locationally, Angel is a ‘mid-way’ point: there
8
July 2007
identity. Then I thought of New Zealand …
The Miserablist
Blogs:
Why have a blog if you can’t write, aren’t
He has elitist and archaic views on education,
has even made scathing comments about entire
interesting, and you’re not even good-looking and
with his fervent support of grammar schools and
countries, likening the people of Papua New
willing to share it? But does that stop people?
emphasis on “crunchy” subjects like Ancient His-
Guinea to “cannibalism and Chief-killing.” So Boris
tory. But, most importantly, he has no morals. He
is not the loveable blonde eccentric he’d have us
happily indulged in two extra-marital affairs with
all believe. In the words of Bigley’s brother, “he
journalists Anna Fazackerley and Petronella Wyatt
is a self-centred pompous twit who should get out
and yet was surprised and disgruntled that he was
of public life.”
Phone sex:
If you didn’t agree with the sex one, then this
must be getting closer.
The Miserablist
July 2007
9
POLITICS
POLITICS
L
es pauvres Francais - their mollycoddling
welfare state is about to be laid waste
Quelle Domage
Remembrance of things past: smokey cafés, cow bells &
burning lambs. What The Miserablist will miss most
about romantic France under Sarkozy
to an American right wing economic and
political agenda. Nicolas Sarkozy’s victory has
left many French people devastated and The
Miserablist feels their pain (with a pinch of salt).
Sarko’s call to “liquidate the legacy of May
1968” heralds an end to the French nanny state.
The long lunch is over and the French will have
to work more than 35 hours a week. “Merde
alors,” I hear them cry. If The Miserablist wasn’t
quite as jealous of the fine wine guzzling, smelly
cheese eating ‘superbueno’ nation’s romantic
culture, we might even feel sorry for them.
At the Place de La Concorde, where
aristocrats were guillotined during the first
French revolution, Sarkozy – the son of a minor
Hungarian aristocrat – announced his “economic
revolution”. He derided the 35-hour week as “a
general catastrophe” for the French economy.
Rise and shine, sleepy heads, Sarko’s France
will be one that “wakes up early”. Working life
Words: Claire Daly
in France is so boring that Parisians have their
own phrase for it – “metro, boulot, dodo” or
Student Fanny Robles at a café in Beziers
“commuting, working, sleeping”. The famed
slogans of May 1968 – “beauty is in the street”,
“beneath the paving stones, the beach” and
even more turmoil. Sarkozy’s leitmotif, ‘Work
think, as many French people think, that it’s the
“never work” have been smashed to smither-
more to earn more,’ is stupid in the French con-
only way that we can cope with today’s France,
eens by a mundane Protestant work ethic and
text, where unemployment is high. Instead of
with people who originate from different countries
an urge to make as much money as the Ameri-
helping students and unemployed people to find
and have different religious habits.”
cans. Will pittoresque petite France really slide
a job, he will make poor workers work harder
into line with the rest of the enslaved western
and the firing procedures easier for bosses.”
world where work is valued over pleasure?
The Miserablist would like to know where
Opponents of Sarkozy mourn the loss of
But the French have made their choice.
Local boulangeries and patisseries on cobbled
streets will quickly metamorphose into a McWorld
ideas that have long held France together and
powerhouse. As Joseph Goebbels said in the
it’s going to go on holiday this summer, if lazy
marked it out as different to the Anglo-American
2004 film, Downfall (or Der Untergang), “I feel no
French cafes with the pungent whiff of coffee
system. “I can really say that I hate Sarkozy, and
sympathy. I repeat, I feel no sympathy! The Ger-
and swirling smoke hovering above cigarettes
I’m afraid that he will take measures that will put
man people chose their fate... Don’t fool yourself.
perched between the manicured fingers of the
France in a bad situation. He’s for liberalism and
We didn’t force the German people. They gave us
beautifully relaxed, have disappeared. French
individualism. Our education system, our public
a mandate, and now their little throats are being
decadence will be wiped out by Sarko’s steam
services, and our health system may be privatised
cut!” This time the French have slaughtered their
train of economic ‘recovery’. But why would
on the basis of the American model,” says Guil-
own lambs.
we want France to improve economically? Can
laume.
we not petrify them into a permanent state of
A strange nostalgia is in the air.
deterioration for the sake of romance? Who
Who is going to burn our pretty Brit-
cares if the English are ruining the French Alps
ish lambs at border control for fear
by their very presence – at least let them have
that they’ll bring BSE into France?
a chalet where they can look out the window
Who will riot like it’s still 1968? Who
each spring and see some poor Frenchman milk
will quote Ernest Renan in the street
his bell-adorned cows. Wait Mr Sarkozy, let us
and proclaim the greatest ideas of
savour the aroma of good French produce a
the French Republic and define the
little longer.
nation as “people who all want to live
“The French people have decided to break
together”? Left wing French students
with the ideas, behaviour and habits of the
like Fanny Robles, a PhD student from
past. I will rehabilitate work, merit and morals,”
the south-western town of Bezier, are
screams Sarko’s right wing UMP party. But the
desperately clinging to morals that
new president will ruin more than sexy French
could soon slip away completely. “No
lustre. Toulouse University student, Guillaume
matter where they originate from,
Rouquier, explains why student life will also
what their religious beliefs are, what
take a downturn. “The rich will get richer, and
their social class is, if there’s a will
pay for the best diplomas, whereas the young
there’s a way. That was the only way
students from modest backgrounds will trigger
we could define the French people, and I
Lamb chops
Jean-Paul Sartre - intellectual architect of the 1968 riots
10
July 2007
The Miserablist
The Miserablist
July 2007
11
ARCHITECTURE
ARCHITECTURE
CRAP BUILDINGS
L
Words: Michael Begg
ondon: great melting-pot of architecture and
design. From the Gothic magnificence of
Westminster Abbey, to the stylish minimal
lines of the Tate Modern, the city contains the very
best examples of the built environment throughout
the ages (and it used to have even more before the
Germans had a go at redesigning it). However, it
also has some of the very worst. The Miserabalist
has a look around.
The Millennium Bridge
Portcullis House
The Trellick Tower
30 St Mary Axe
Peckham Library
The Archway Tower
This ‘blade of light’ across the Thames between
Look at the state of this. Look at it. £235 million it
The architect of this late-1960s vertical gulag,
The ‘Erotic Gherkin’, as it is known in the junk-
If you’re ever unfortunate enough to find yourself
Grim. This Brutalist 1963 Goth-bin looks as if it
the Tate Modern and St Paul’s is a collaboration
cost, apparently. And what for? The most utterly
Ernö Goldfinger, was apparently so detested by
bond-strewn backstreets of the City of London, is
among the fried-chicken boxes on the streets of
was modelled on J. R. R. Tolkien’s description of the
between Pritzker Prize winner Lord Foster and
banal 1990s exterior – with pink stone and crappy,
his next-door-neighbour, James Bond creator Ian
rumoured to have been modelled by Lord Foster on
Peckham in south London, have a look around
West Gate of the Mines of Moria. Looming above
structural engineers Arup, with the help of rusting
immature, unimaginative detailing – and the ugliest
Fleming, that the latter named the villain of his
his own anatomy, with inspiration seemingly striking
for the library. A copper-clad turquoise horror,
the equally miserable Holloway Road, it casts a
industrial sculptor Sir Anthony Caro. The concept
roof since Anne Hathaway’s cottage got thatch
eponymous 1959 spy thriller after him. And if this
during a particularly warm bath. This swollen
‘designed’ by controversial avant-garde (i.e.
shadow practically all the way to Camden, depriving
behind their design was apparently to create a
rot. Apparently the building enjoys some sort of
pocked brown slab is any reflection of Goldfinger’s
cone sits on the former site of the Baltic Exchange
nobody likes his work) architect Will Alsop, it won
an already depressed neighbourhood of sunshine.
structure of minimum intervention. Quite how they
ingenious ‘natural’ air conditioning, with convection
personality, then it’s quite understandable why this
building, blown up by the IRA in 1992, and it’s a
the Stirling Prize for Architecture in 2000 (other
The blackness of the exterior makes it look like
thought they would impart this impression with two
currents drawing used air out through those giant
was the case. Quite remarkably ugly, with its brutal
pity they’ve given up that sort of thing now, as
short-listers that year included the fabulous London
a place Darth Vader might buy a penthouse, and
giant stocky pylons and miles of fat cable sagging
smokestacks without the use of fans. But frankly
appearance apparently attracting a fairly savage
the Gherkin’s 40 floors of turgid embarrassment,
Eye, a tube station and a supermarket). Elevated
the bleak government business carried on within
gracelessly along the sides is anyone’s guess. The
who would care about that when working here must
tenantry in the past, the Trellick looks as if its
standing as they do among the city’s other edifices
to “create a public space beneath”, this childish
completes the tower’s image as a life-sucking portal
whole thing just looks so stylelessly trite, with the
suck any sense of enjoyment out of your life on a
builders ran out of money before they could put any
with all the harmony of a dildo in a collection of
box on wonky sticks looks like the sort of shoddily
to eternal blackness. Perfect inspiration for patrons
shallow-drooping cables like over-specified callipers
daily basis.
exterior cladding on. It’s current desirability among
Meissen figurines, could do with some remodelling
assembled trap that Wile E. Coyote used to knock
of the nearby ‘Suicide Bridge’ over the A1. All hope
killing any impression of lightness or grace. But it
the more outré residents of North Kensington,
of a similar kind.
together and sprinkle bird seed under in the Road
abandon, ye who enter here.
certainly shines, although achieving this through
seeking the ultimate in ‘urban cool’ by living in a
Runner cartoons, in the vain hope of pulling the
aluminium decking was hardly revolutionary. And
brutalist stack-a-pleb, simply confirms its status as
stick away and catching some lunch. And looking
they seem to want some sort of special prize for
amongst the very worst piles of toss in the capital.
at the embarrassing ‘pod’ meeting rooms inside
lighting it up at night – another masterstroke! A
and lazy use of coloured glass of the north wall,
very pedestrian bridge.
this may well be the best use for it – with Will
Alsop underneath. Still, it’s not as bad as his Sharp
Centre for Design in Toronto. Now that is crap.
12
July 2007
The Miserablist
The Miserablist
July 2007
13
BIG FIGHT
BANKER WANKERS V EMOS
IN PRAISE OF
SMOKING
them” (embarrassingly for the female race,
normally a pathetic, girlish trait).
Cigars are brilliant for inducing feelings of
pant-wetting fear combined with arse-kissing
admiration. I defy anyone not to be pretty
bloody impressed when someone slyly pushes
Words: Cheryl Caira
a box of Cohiba Behike cigars onto the table
A
on a night out, watches the looks of envy, then
tripping them, hoping to get served despite the fact most of them are barely 15. Why do we have to put up with these members of society? And more
drink with. People who smoke expensive cigars
importantly, if we had the option of erasing one of them in an act of genocide for the greater good, who would it be?
on a daily basis have someone they can call up
h…there’s nothing better than heading to the nearest bar, tasting that first drop of sweet alcohol and trying to wind the hell down after a shit day
casually smokes away £220 worth of Cuban
at work. You settle down to a quiet pint, but the Gods have decided not to look down on you that day. Two inane bankers are standing next to you,
tobacco, while staring Godfather-like at all the
discussing their salaries. Disgusted, you move on to the next drinking hole, only to find you’re surrounded by pungent-looking emos with their faces
poorer, less successful people he has chosen to
Banker wanker
for favours in the Mafia. Fact. So even if you
Emo
are filling your lungs with black smoke, you can
go about your life safe in the knowledge that the
Capo de tutti Capi is watching your back at all
times. Make sure you make several references
to “getting a place ready” and telling the “boss”,
whilst lighting up another cigar. People will be
V
Clothing
Clothing
It may look like the latest Armani threads, but take a closer look at the
For girls: baggy, shapeless and thoroughly ugly. Hair normally dyed a colour
pinstripes and you might spot that Mr Managing Development Blah of a Key
similar to the bottom of a Portaloo after four days of use by Glastonbury
Financial Institution (eyes glaze over), is wearing some of Brenda’s finest
punters. The boys wear even baggier clothing to disguise their angst-ridden,
market stall offerings because he spent too much money in The Wolsley one
unmanly figures, while slapping on nail polish, eyeliner and a touch of
evening spraying his banker chums with Cristal. The shiny Rolex is fake too,
mascara so they seem a bit confused. Both sexes wear T-shirts worshipping
a cheeky number picked up in Spain when no one was looking, from one of
the assortment of bleating, torturous-to-listen-to rock bands that they
those charming chaps with the blankets of bargainous goods by the beach.
dribble over. They display piercings wherever there is an available orifice.
scared shitless.
Words: Cheryl Caira
W
e’re being blasted with images
if we’re being nice, which we’re not) community
of cigarettes dripping fat inside
into the thin, (your trousers are slightly baggy
arteries and hooks tearing into
which makes you look vulnerable and attractive)
Joe Bloggs’ lips to “shock” us into realising
set. It restricts your appetite, and instantly
General banter
General banter
smoking is bad for us. Well, cheers Old
makes you look better, because let’s be honest,
The homoerotic slaps and man hugs, MasterCard waving and wankerous bar
They tend to mosh in filthy drinking establishments rather than
Blighty, but we know that already. The
the more a person stuffs into their mouth at
posing generally drown out any attempts at conversation. However, sitting
communicating with each other. They do copious amounts of moping and
smoking ban is almost upon us, but The
lunchtime, the less attractive they look. One less
next to one at a dinner party (you have to grit your teeth and put up with
staring into space in an ‘I want to kill myself, but don’t worry everyone, I’ll
Miserablist would rather stay sexy than
fat ass in the world is definitely a good thing. In
it or else you’ll look like a rude bastard) reveals that if you don’t play/watch
carry on,’ fashion. Interludes of conversation involve discussing “Death to…”
stub it out...
short, smoking creates a far better looking human
rugby at the weekend, attend extortionate city bars, or if you have a soul,
various things, being ungrateful twerps and talking about how painful life is,
the convo could end up being about as interesting as an old folk’s home.
and ranting about how they can “save the world” through the music.
Smoking may restrict your breathing and
race. Ignore the people who pipe in with yellow
mean that you can’t spring through the London
teeth commentary, this sort of thing is easily
Marathon like the Duracell bunny. But who can
avoided with regular use of the shelf-full of cheap
teeth whitening products you can find at Boots.
Contribution to society, if any
Contribution to society, if any
be arsed with a booze-free life of fitness anyway…
When they start detailing how much their salary has gone up every year for
They keep the sweatshop workers in Bangladesh, who make their foul,
it’s far more fun to set about improving your
I hate to encourage all the deplorable
the past five years and how many people they screwed over to get there,
baggy clothes, in employment as they have so many inches of material to
social life. Which cigarettes can help you do.
little school brats who plague every newsagent
they frighten you so much with their ruthless cruelty that you decide to try
contend with. Their pushing the boundaries of mascara use means that
Soon, you’re going to be skulking off outside for
attempting to buy fags, but smoking really is
and become a decent human being. Seeing them prey on unsuspecting
fewer kittens have to go blind with having it smeared on their eyes in L’Oreal
a quick puff while your smug Colgate-scented
cool. What could be cooler than someone sitting
females, then get rejected, can cheer you up no end.
laboratories.
friends tell you off on the way out. Whilst
by an open window, eyes steely but thoughtful,
outside, you’re joined by an attractive member of
lighting up a cigarette in one swift, sophisticated
Most irritating qualities (summarised)
Most irritating qualities (summarised)
the opposite sex, also covertly igniting a Malboro
movement, taking a long, I-am-hardcore drag,
Smarminess; the fact that they’re successful (cash-wise) despite being
Making everyone who has to witness their droopy faces want to impale
Light. You give each other a knowing, ‘God I
then turning to face you with smoke and mystery
complete twats; their inability to respond to conversation not involving
themselves on the nearest sharp object. Their infiltration of gigs that normal
really needed this cigarette’ look. Conversation
surrounding them? They’re cool because they’re
numerical values. Being the devil’s spawn. Being wankers.
people are trying to enjoy and the fact they refer to themselves as emos
begins, you chain smoke for a while, and
young, and they don’t give a shit. They’ll have
(which stands for “emotional”) in the first place.
suddenly it’s 3am and your companion is coming
a habit of 40-a-day if they damn well want
back for a “cup of tea” and another cigarette,
to. James Dean, Humphrey Bogart and Audrey
smoker’s solidarity and all that, perhaps with a bit
Hepburn… all perpetually sexy rebels who made
of sex thrown in…
smoking look good on film. Again, another sex
Final death wish goes to… Banker wankers by the slightest of margins. It’s only a matter of time before the emo generation top
themselves anyway. Those who don’t, should wash their hair and get a bloody job.
The regular partaking of baccy smoking also
helps you to move from the slightly fat (cuddly
14
July 2007
The Miserablist
life benefit, because of course, everyone wants
to have sex with a rebel, to try and “understand
The Miserablist
July 2007
15
MUSIC
MUSIC
I HATE
FESTIVALS
Words: Michael Begg
A
nyone who enjoys a good soul-scourging
are compulsory and non-acoustic instruments
bout of misery knows that there is
banned. Among timeless folk warblers Joan
one place to go in the summer for the
Baez and Nanci Griffith (and tuneless scrubbers
very nadir of experiences: the music festival.
The Waterboys) are such tempting listings as
Populated by the most uncritical and thought-free
Bellowhead, Shooglenifty, Seasick Steve, Stömp
public outside the US Republican Party’s National
and Haugaard & Høirup (who were presumably
Convention, they are a living hell for anyone
named following an afternoon spent in the Cider
who doesn’t love jumping up and down in a
Tent).
muddy field and bellowing atonally to posturing
For those with junior hobbit-botherers in
tossbags with fashionable haircuts: a must for
tow, ‘Mr Boom’ will be providing a concert for
anyone seeking a rock-bottom experience. The
children from “his imaginary spaceship, which has
Miserablist surveys some of the summer’s musical
been visiting Earth for 20 years now, amusing,
low-lights.
captivating and educating audiences with his
extraordinary yet bizarre musical show” – that
Download
is, if paedophile-hunting vigilantes from the local
8-10 June, Donnington Park, Leicestershire
council estate don’t string him up first. Four days
of unrelenting ear-fingering dirge beckon.
During the 1980s, the hugely popular Donnington
Monsters of Rock was the place to get your
The Carling Weekend: Reading and Leeds
eardrums violated and your clothes ruined, with
24-26 August, Richfield Avenue, Reading, and
the ‘Donnington Toss’ (a plastic cider bottle
Bramham Park, near Leeds
refilled with steaming piss and thrown backwards
into the crowd) at one point vying for admittance
A twin venue must for fans of troglodyte, tits-out,
to the Olympics. These days, it calls itself
lager-sprayed air-punching. This year’s litany of
‘Download’ and tries to look more hip for goth
mediocrity includes the execrable Razorlight, Bloc
teenagers, who (let’s face it) you can over-charge
Party, Arcade Fire, and veteran sun-dried pap-
for tickets, merchandise and drink, and who are
churners The Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Leave your
much less likely to put the bouncers in hospital.
brain at the gate.
And the line-up sounds suitably teen-tough, with
acts such as WOLFMOTHER, DRAGONFORCE,
GuilFest
MEGADETH, SLAYER, KILLSWITCH ENGAGE,
13-15 July, Stoke Park, Guildford
LAMB OF GOD and MASTODON getting us all
snarling in black-clad rebellion. But the real sign
A highlight of the Dad Rock calendar. Hats off
of a teenage sell-out is the headliners this year:
this year to Squeeze, Madness, Richard Thompson
whining emo-rock bed-wetters My Chemical
and Uriah Heep, for still having the energy to
Romance. Their notes on the website say it all:
take the stairlift to the main stage – that is, if
they remember to turn up. And leaping straight
“My Chemical Romance was formed by
into the 40-something demographic in 2007 are
frontman Gerard around a week after September
tedious, bleating chubsters The Magic Numbers.
11, 2001 attacks. Gerard had witnessed the
Remember your bifocals.
planes crashing into the World Trade Center. It
influenced his life to the extent that he decided
WOMAD
to start a band. Gerard wrote the song ‘Skylines
27-29 July, Charlton Park, Upper Minety,
and Turnstiles’ to express his feelings about
Malmesbury, Wiltshire
September 11th.”
“WOMAD stands for World of Music, Arts and
Stop, please! I’ll cry my mascara to streaks!
Dance, bringing together many forms of music,
Set off early for this one – the car park promises
arts and dance from countries and cultures
to be one giant school-run 4x4 drop-off.
around the world.” Chills the soul, doesn’t it?
Definitely one of the worst, this annual gourd-fest
Cambridge Folk Festival
promises a mind-bending brew of didgeridoos,
26-29 July, Cherry Hinton Hall, Cambridge
beanburgers and Botswanan thumb-pianos.
Ever-present among the line-up of tribesmen and
16
July 2007
The Miserablist
The year’s high-point for hobbit-botherers and
druids is digital goatherd Peter Gabriel. See you
ethereal nutbags throughout the UK. Beards
by the Menstruation Tent.
The Miserablist
July 2007
17
MUSIC
Glastonbury
to convey in his more disturbing pictures. I defy
22-24 June, Pilton village, Glastonbury, Somerset
any reasonable person to go there and not find
enough things to hate to fill the three days of
This has to be the very worst festival in existence:
this twat-fest eleven times over. On the other
150,000 suckers camping in a sea of slurry, eating
hand, this event may be too miserable for anyone
vegan turdburgers and enthusing tirelessly at
with any discernment to survive. We recommend
absolutely anything willing to get on a stage. The
you stay at home and shout abuse at the BBC’s
list of acts turning up is truly a compendium of
fawning blanket coverage – particularly if it rains;
the pedestrian, from the criminally untalented
that just seems to make the idiots even more
to the incomprehensibly over-rated, with many
enthusiastic.
Bragg, Paul Weller, Fatboy bloody Slim – the
Swanage Jazz Festival 2007
unflushable stools of the festival circuit.
13-15 July, Swanage, Dorset
The dire music is just one aspect of this
horrific celebration of the untalented and the
A less obvious choice, this one, but certainly
irritating, attracting as it does a whole freak show
capable of giving off a whole lot of misery.
of charlatans, weirdos, perverts, do-gooders and
According to its website, “the feel of the festival is
‘alternative’ people (i.e. who live on trust funds
relaxed and friendly”, and looking at the line-up,
and tell anyone who’ll listen how they could
featuring acts such as Bob Dwyer’s Hot Seven,
‘never work 9 to 5’). A glance at the website
Dave Moorwood’s Rascals of Rhythm, Tim Eyles
map reveals such horrors as a ‘healing field’, a
and The Gentlemen of Jazz, Rod Chambers’
‘sacred space’, a circus and cabaret area, a ‘kidz’
Louisiana Joymakers and Des Bacon’s Red Hot
field, a chill-out zone (God, how I hate the sound
Syncopators, you can imagine just how friendly
of that) and – spare me, please – The John Peel
– they sound like wife-swappers, to a man.
doubtless do a lot of their tearful hanging out).
The website also tells us that “the Brighton
But with the website featuring options for
Large and Very Large text, you might be best to
pack some Ralgex if you’re looking for action.
Peace and Environment Centre will once again be
running coaches from Brighton to the Festival.”
And if you can read that without wishing you had
at your command a squadron of bombers loaded
to the roof with napalm circling over the site, then
you don’t deserve to be reading this magazine.
It’s all yours for £145. The whole thing is
pretty much what Hieronymus Bosch was trying
Dear Miserablist
list,
a ‘veteran’ coming back year after year – Billy
Tent (where fans of My Chemical Romance will
LETTERS
Festival low-lights, from the top:
Modfather Weller in a Rod Stewart tribute
wig; spontaneous combustion of an overenthusiastic Kasabian fan at Reading; your
accomodation awaits.
Dear Miserab
nd
-term girlfrie
rying his long
autiful
My son is mar
be
a
be
ill
w
what I hope
in
er
m
m
su
and
this
of their love
le celebration
ab
or
em
m
d
f
an
beside mysel
er. I am quite
hat I
future togeth
w
n
ke
ta
ve
ha
eir plans and
ring,
with joy at th
t never interfe
bu
e,
tiv
ac
an
be
to
ve
lie
be
their
and arrange
g them plan
in
lp
he
in
le
edding
ro
pect of the w
wever, one as
Ho
y.
Da
g
d
Bi
of anxiety an
e a great deal
d
is causing m
de
in
-m
en
op
el I am a very
d
distress. I fe
an
n,
tio
ra
ne
ge
cially for my
pe
es
,
on
my
rs
pe
ppy to accept
ple, been ha
am
ex
r
fo
,
y
ve
on
ha
at the cerem
to be shoeless
e
sir
de
s
n’
am
so
I
mility). But
a mark of hu
(he says it is
oice of
ch
r
ei
th
pt
ssible to acce
urse
finding it impo
r the main co
bean bake fo
gople
pe
tofu-and-mun
There will be
ng banquet.
at the weddi
the event, as
disposition at
y of
of an elderly
ries and man
l local dignita
well as severa
never
ons. I could
s fellow mas
– they
my husband’
these people
lgar food to
serve such vu
g
. The mun
n’t understand
ury
simply would
with the savo
bl
clash horri y
e
beans will also
w
ncakes that
mushroom pa
ckets
chicken and
bought 150 pa
have already
chose – and
ea
n I do? Pl se
trée. What ca
of – for the en
nse!
e him see se
help me mak
Devon
Desperate of
Dear Miserablist,
Chavs, neds, pikeys and townies. As far as
I’m concerned, all are good descriptions of
something that has become part or British
culture. Whichever one you use just depends
on where you live. Everyone seems to be
able to identify them, and the more they
are ridiculed, the more they unite. Have
you seen Vicky Pollard in Little Britain? The
character is so accurate and what’s funnier is
that the Vicky Pollards out there can’t seem
to identify themselves as the character. Are
they in denial? If I were to swap my flat cap,
cord trousers and braces, for a baseball cap,
white tracksuit bottoms and sports trainers,
and swap my vintage Ford Mondeo (diesel
don’t you know) for a Vauxhall Nova that has
been glued together like an air-fix model, I’m
sure you would see that I’d become a chav.
But then again, this seems unfair. It’s
not the bright sports clothing, or the heavily
modified cars nor the twins crying for a
KFC in their Reebok pushchair. It’s most
definitely the attitude. You only have to see
one episode of The Jeremy Kyle show to
know what I mean. If these are the common
people, and the rest of us the minority, then
who is normal? If I were to complain to a
group of young chavsters outside of my
bungalow for being loud, who’s being the
anti-social one? Me? Or them? After all, the
chavs are being social with each other but
Dear Desperate,
As spirit-crushing a tale of familial discord as
this is, you are going to have to accept your
tree-hugging hippy son’s wishes. Maybe you
should just have everyone leave their shoes
I’m alone watching Countdown. I think its
evolution.
Dear Miser
ablist,
I would like
to have a gr
ipe about th
e
two-wheeler
s who make
driving my th
wheeled car
reea nightmare.
Cycling is th
most treache
e
rous sport ev
er to have be
invented and
en
cyclists are le
ast of all wel
on London ro
co
me
ads, where,
if they’re un
lucky,
they’ll be mow
ed down by
my meanmachine. Th
e ones I like
least are thos
dress up in al
e who
l the proper
gear and wea
mask and th
r the
en ride mindl
essly, ignorin
the traffic lig
g all
hts. They dr
ive on the pa
when it suits
th
them and m
oan at driver
even get sligh
s who
tly close to th
em. You can
their seething
see
eyes behind
th
eir ridiculous
goggles turn
red with rage
as they irate
shout at driv
ly
ers. I think th
ey
wear the mas
to cover thei
k
r identity: it
acts as a ba
rrier
between the
motorist they
’re abusing an
their pathetic
d
excuse for an
environmenta
existence. If
l
I wanted to
see a sweaty
gyrating up
ar
se
and down in
front of me,
I’d go
to a specialis
t location an
d pay for it.
Enraged of En
field
Bovvered of Bristol
at the door. On your misfortune with the food,
Dear Enraged,
all The Miserablist can suggest is that you all
hold your noses before you swallow. And I
Dear Bovvered,
You’re right, we Miserablists couldn’t agree
wouldn’t worry too much about the dignity
more. Those garishly clad road-rule dodgers
of your guests; by the time they’ve had their
What a miserable thought. Even for The Mis-
get in the way for everyone, including pedes-
fill of the tofu-mung-bean medley, they’ll be
erablist. A future full of backwards caps and
trians, with their zigzagging between road and
squirming with wind so severe that they’ll
Reebok babies… These people aren’t ruining
pavement to beat traffic. And they’re so health
eventually crack under the pressure and no-
our society; they are our society. I suggest
proud, even though they breathe in gallons of
one will be dignified. I just hope that for your
we disband the UK and bugger off somewhere
fumes behind those uselessly designed mouth
sake, dinner will be eaten outside.
better.
cloths. Just drive a car. It’s healthier. And if
four wheels really offend, what’s wrong with a
P.S. Your already purchased pancakes can be
three-wheeled mean-machine?
used to re-tile the gazebo.
Share your misery with us at [email protected]
18
July 2007
The Miserablist
The Miserablist
July 2007
19
SEX
SEX
SEX IS
RUBBISH
glad because I thought it couldn’t be any worse
than the first time. But when he went all the way
in, I realised that I hadn’t lost my virginity to
From agonising virginity loss to
calamitous one night stands, The
Miserablist delves deep into your
darkest sexual moments
Magnus at all. I screamed so loud, this guy must
Words: Melanie Smith
S
have thought he was amazing.”
“I first met David when we worked at the
radio station together,” says Jane, 22, whose first
experience was also awful and embarrassing. “He
had his own show and I fancied the pants off
finally finished, he jumped out of bed, put on ‘The
If a man is too embarrassed to buy a condom
him but he was moving away. A few years later I
World’s Greatest’ by R. Kelly and started dancing
then what will he be like faced with a naked
found out that he was back in town on holiday so
in front of the mirror, singing the song and doing
woman’s body? A bit of a failure I’d imagine.
we met up. I went out with him and his friends.
strong man poses. It was hideous, I didn’t know
We were quite drunk and we had been flirting so
where to look.”
I admitted that I liked him. He decided he like
Christina was in a relationship with Terry for
And even when sex is great it can leave you
feeling embarrassed and like you never want to
see the person again.
me too and he came back to mine; my dad was
four years. “Every time we finished he would say
away at the time. We were all set to go when we
‘thank you’,” she says. “At first I would respond
excited by in bed,” says Natalie. It was so good
“I was with a random guy who I was really
came across an obstacle; his penis was just too
by saying ‘no, thank you’ and it was all a bit of
that I wet myself once we’d finished. It was so
large. In fact it was so enormous that it couldn’t
a joke. After about two years though, it got a
embarrassing. He just looked surprised but I don’t
fit in. As soon as he realised he wasn’t going to
bit stale. What was I supposed to say? ‘You’re
think he realised what I’d actually done.”
have his way, he phoned for a taxi. But I was
welcome’? He was so well brought up that it was
John was out on his second date with Sally
ex sells. That’s why advertisers compare
went to a bar with some friends and decided
actually so embarrassed that I was glad he was
just natural for him.” What? Terry, get a grip. You
and the two had decided to go back to hers for
the experience of washing your hair with
that it was the night I was finally going to have
leaving.”
were thanking your girlfriend for the use of her
the fist time. “We got back and it was just intense
Organics shampoo and brushing your teeth
sex,” she says. “I spotted this guy at the bar and
vagina. Should I conclude that sex for some men
passion all the way. It was amazing, the best
Sex as a grown-up doesn’t get much better
with Aquafresh toothpaste to having an orgasm.
I thought, ‘He’ll know what he’s doing’. I tried
either. It turns into adult blundering and fumbling
is like borrowing your partner’s car, which you
sex I’d had in ages. In the morning she had to
But I can’t think of activities more mundane
having a conversation with him and he bought
in the dark. There are so many clichés about the
thank her for the use of once you’ve done a round
go to work and said to help myself to breakfast
myself, and if having an orgasm is comparable to
me a drink. He had a very deep voice and a thick
earth moving and waves crashing. Actually it’s
trip and parked it back in the front yard?
and just shut the door behind me. I felt great,
brushing my teeth, what is the fucking point?
Norwegian accent and he didn’t actually say much
just a lot of pushing and shoving with bare limbs
other than ‘OK’. I told him he was coming home
flapping and bouncing about all over the place
just as you think they’ve finally grown some balls.
and then went to use the toilet. But to my horror,
adolescent virgin. Sex for the first time is in no
with me and he just said, ‘OK’. In the cab I told
and the only things close to crashing are the
“I was out with my girlfriend, we were ready to
the flush didn’t work and I couldn’t fix it. I didn’t
way comparable to a warm baked apple dessert
him we were going to have sex. ‘OK’, he said
mattress springs and the bed frame. Is it really
go home but I didn’t have a condom,” says Tom,
know what to do but I knew I didn’t want her
(as famously portrayed in the film American
again. We got home and I started wildly ripping
worth it?
22. I asked some guys if I could borrow some
coming home to a big surprise bobbing around
Pie), regardless of what you do with it. Be under
his clothes off, excited that I was finally going to
“I went out with a guy who would count
money, I told them it was for a chocolate bar
in the loo. So I decided to scoop it out using a
no illusion, it is awkward: two sweaty, sticky,
lose my virginity. But the sex was very painful as
down to the moment he came,” says Jennifer, 21.
because I was too embarrassed to say I needed
plastic bag. I was going to put it in the bin and
unfamiliar bodies furiously squishing and slapping
he was pushing harder to get in and I couldn’t
“Every time it was ‘five, four, two, one… Thar she
a condom. They gave me some change. The
leave, but I decided to write her a note first. I
against each other making nothing more than a
take it anymore. I shrieked at him, ‘get it out!’
blows!’” Where’s the decorum in that?
condom machine was in the toilets so I went
got a bit of paper and wrote, ‘Last night and this
big mess. It’s uncomfortable, hot and over before
He stopped and I was content that I must have
in and, lo and behold, there was the guy who
morning were really great. I had so much fun, I’ll
you know it.
lost my virginity because it was so painful. About
to his at the end of the night. I thought he was
lent me the change. He said hello and I was too
call.’ Then I walked out of the door and closed
couldn’t believe it! How bad would that look – a
a year later, I was going out with a different guy
quite fit but he was really bad in bed, really
embarrassed to use the condom machine so I had
it feeling really proud of myself. What I had
bag of shit next to my note saying how much fun
and when we decided to sleep together. I was
awful. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. When he
to actually spend the change on a chocolate bar.”
forgotten to do was put the poo bag in the bin! I
I had! I never saw or spoke to her again.”
And no more is this true than when you’re an
Noemi, 22, thought she had lost her virginity
to Magnus from Norway when she was 18. “I
20
July 2007
The Miserablist
Joanna met Billy at a club; “We went back
Some guys mean well but then screw it all up
really at home. I got up, had something to eat
Tate Modern by David Rutt
Crying woman (above) by Mary Evans
Flaccid knob (top) by Todd
The Miserablist
July 2007
21
DRUGS
CRYING
BEAM
ME UP
SCOTTIE
darkest corners of the city’s mean and friendless
underground. Give her a puppy on a string,
sleeping oblivious on a blanket at the busker
girl’s feet. Your shoulder will be drenched and
puckered from comforting howling acquaintances.
Boredom: This one is easy. Sit your victim
down with the EastEnders omnibus, or a copy
of The Da Vinci Code (paperback edition).
Prolonged enforced contact with either of these
life-sucking drabs will wring bitter sobs of hatred
from just about anyone with any sense of the
awful.
how to>>> MAKE SOMEONE CRY
ANYONE.
Fear: See that toddler in the corner, chasing a
balloon round the living room, his little face the
very expressive embodiment of glee? See his
jerky and unpractised movements as he pats the
taut sausage of air across the carpet towards
the cactus plant on the side table? See him
move towards it, with a look of such intensity,
as if nothing else exists for him at that moment,
nothing but him and the balloon? And the
cactus plant. BANG! See the absolute surprise
and terror on his fat, round, wee face, just
before his little chops crinkle tremblingly into an
almighty howl of distress? Smashing. But it’s a
lot more difficult to get a grown-up to cry from
fear. You’ve pretty much got to go to the bother
of kidnapping them, setting fire to their house,
or forging a doctor’s letter laden with grim and
Words: Michael Begg
prospectless tidings, to get proper tears of fear
out of them. And as well as being illegal, most
M
aking people cry is an excellent way to
look accidental. Try dropping a bowling ball on
of these are a lot of effort. Of course, there’s
relieve stress, get out of tricky social
someone’s foot, or headbutting them getting into
always the chance of finding out that someone
situations, and feel good about yourself
Why The Miserablist is sick of druggies
Words: Claire Daly & Melanie Smith
T
here’s nothing more annoying than
people who get drugged up to the
hilt at clubs, bars, parties and other
social gatherings, talking incessant bullshit or
LSD
Class: A
Acid, Lucy, L, blotter,
cheer, dots, drop, smilies,
tabs…
a car. Tell someone they’ve got something in
has a phobia – if you’re very lucky, it might be
dancing hysterically with their arms flailing
– just ask Cheryl Tweedy. But you have to know
their eye. Get them to look up, look down etc.,
one of those really daft ones you learn about on
about, barging everyone out of the way. You
how. Here are some pointers:
while you hold their head steady with one hand
television, such as a fear of buttons or the colour
are not cool. You are annoying and inane.
What you’ve done:
Personal Insult: Obviously, anyone can just
and have a good old poke around with the fingers
yellow. Playing on phobias can certainly be very
We’re not interested in your mind-numbing
Edmund Lloyd, 37
bellow “You half-witted donkey turd!” at someone
of the other. Minutes of fun, not a little panic on
nonsense. You are not the most important
London
until they get upset. But that’s not a great
their part (contact lens wearers are especially
deal better than just hitting them, and may get
paranoid) and plenty of tears. And all the while,
a punch in the face back before any tears are
you’re looking like a concerned friend, just trying
produced. Much better to pick some particular
to help.
feature and work on it. I once saw a perfectly
Sadness: Pain might not have made John
confident young woman, whose nose was not
Rambo do anything but skew his Bell’s-Palsy
actually that big, brought to snivelling distress
grimace further to the left, but sad memories
by someone who ducked or swayed warily
had him blubbing into his radio like a drunk
backwards in his chair every time she turned her
Glaswegian with a Tammy Wynette record on
head, as if he was in danger of clubbing by her
(for him it was a chum with his legs blown off).
giant conk.
With some people, mixing in a bit of guilt can
Pain: Pretty much anyone except John Rambo
make things worse. Try a story about a blind
another. Try making up one of your own and
can be made to cry through the inflicting of pain.
busker you saw on the way home, with a saintly
talk about it – you’ll have something confessed in
The problem of course is how to do it and not
smile and the most beautiful voice. Dressed in
return to work on your subject with soon enough.
be either made to suffer in return or investigated
rags and shoeless, she had nothing in this world
Then the fun can really begin.
by Her Majesty’s Constabulary for common
except her song, yet she shared that song with
assault. Possibly the simplest way is to make it
the world, bringing happiness and hope to the
22
July 2007
The Miserablist
Anyone can just
bellow, ‘You
half-witted
donkey turd!’
person in the room. You are not beautiful and
neither is everyone else.
And another thing – we’re tired of hearing
“When I was 18 or 19 I used to take a
lot of acid and one afternoon after a few days
people bragging about what great experiences
on the stuff I found myself walking out of
they’ve had recreationally taking various
Carshalton Beeches train station, which was
classes of illegal drugs. We don’t believe you
near where I lived at the time. I heard the
went to seventh heaven – you were probably
ground shaking and a ‘thump thump thump.’
in the gutter where you belong. And why do
“Looking up, I saw a 90-foot solid gold
you all feel the need to mock and harangue
Aztec God encrusted with jewels, making its
productive for fear-induced hysteria and tears.
others who don’t wish to partake? You’re just
way up the high street towards Wallington. I
And most people will have one of some sort or
boring and we’re much cooler than you.
wasn’t afraid though, which shows how fucked
Next week: How to ... make someone sick.
The Miserablist
July 2007
23
DRUGS
DRUGS
I realised that there were some drugs in there
all my friends and fellow employees there and felt
coma. I got the tube home in a total daze, it
was having such a great time that I had to get
because when you start getting hallucinations
up I was. After that I stopped taking it
by mistake and I didn’t know if I had taken it or
I had to run out. So I quit the bakery and jumped
was a nice hot day, families out, grannies having
it on film, but it turned out that they were just
that big your wonder if you’re changing
not because I was flashing in and out of different
on a train.
paella and I was there in my clubbing gear, off
pictures of the night. They were really rubbish.
something in your brain.
worlds.
“It was a bit like the time when I noticed
“I went to a flight centre and booked a
“Then some guy asked me if I wanted some
my fucking face.
“I thought it was really amazing and shiny
one-way non-refundable flight to London for four
“I got home and my housemates were up,
at the time, but the next day, we went back to
everything in the world was made from miniscule
vitamin C (it calms you down) but I wasn’t sure if
weeks’ time. When I came down, I realised I only
waiting for me, furious that I’d been out until that
all the places we’d been to and they were really
enamel letters like tiny Scrabble tiles, but really
it really was vitamin C so I didn’t take it. I went
had four weeks to get to London. I needed a
time and they hadn’t been able to get in touch.
dirty, not magical as they had seemed the night
tiny.”
to the loo and everything turned into fractels, like
passport, I had no savings, no place to stay, and
I had half a phone with me – it had no back and
before.”
on a leaf you can see little patterns in an infinite
no job.
no sim card.
James Robinson, 23
sequence getting smaller and smaller and in your
Edinburgh
mind it really is infinite.
“The loo is usually a place where I calm down
“So I pleaded for my job back at the bakery
“My lip was swollen and dripping with blood,
and got it and tried to save but then I lost the
fucking silly bitch that I am. My housemate told
ticket. I couldn’t make it and couldn’t change
me never to take pills again because I go mental.
“We were doing Zen stuff where you put your
so I didn’t want to move from the loo because it
the flight date. I felt like an idiot and my family
I’m dubious about them now, two was far too
hands out as if you’re pushing a door and feel the
felt like a safe place. We were in a trance and it
thought the same and I realised I had a drug
much and they’re really strong over there.
force between you and another person. We could
was all a bit overwhelming. It seemed like there
problem. I was miserable and I was completely
both see balls of fire, which we were throwing
were infinite rooms but I didn’t know which one
broke. I had blown all my savings on the ticket
and who knows what could have happened to
to each other. The drug makes you feel things
I was in.
when I could have spent the money on something
me in the woods. I still can’t believe I don’t
good like a guitar or a car.”
remember anything about seven hours of my life.”
more sharply, alters your senses and you develop
several personalities.
“You don’t know which one is the real
“I don’t know what I did with all those hours
one and which is tripping. Because you’re
“We were in this room all enjoying the same
have no idea what time it is. I think the trip lasted
started a party and interrupted our yin yang. We
about 20 hours and I was out of commission for a
were tripping in and out of different realities and
few days afterwards.
“I was really scared because I didn’t know if I
switch personalities, but the other people thought
had taken other drugs or not or what they were.
we were really weird so we left and went to the
We had wandered into the Botanic Gardens and
cinema.
eaten some cactuses but they weren’t good.”
“There was a really tough looking man
sitting in front of us who was Glaswegian and
we thought, ‘We mustn’t say anything bad about
him.’ But the result of the drug is that you say
everything you don’t want to say and we ended
up insulting this guy and his wife.
“My posh friend was working in the cinema
Cocaine
Class: A
C, charlie, coke, blow, dust,
gold dust, lady, snow, toot,
white…
and I insulted him too. He ended up throwing us
What you’ve done:
and said rude things to his wife and they were
Georgia Lytton, 21
very angry.
Brisbane, Australia
MDMA
Class: A
Adam, MDA, essence,
fantasy, M, powder,
white…
What you’ve done:
What you’ve done:
Cordelia Steel, 21
Simone West, 19
absolutely spannered. I attempted to pole dance
Barcelona, Spain
London
(using my friend Louise as a pole – she’s quite
round to my mate’s house. We
were going to have some
coffee to stop us
tripping but
then
“I once woke up on a roundabout in Stroud. I
the train station and found my friend sleeping on
my house, I decided she was kidnapping me. I
everywhere and offering them to everyone
a bench. I can’t remember anything else.”
told her to “stop the forward moving machine”
on the podium. I was on the stage dancing and
I took another pill and made best friends with a
but I had a few drinks and smoked a whole bunch
complete random.
“The next thing I knew I woke up after
having a blackout while still dancing and I can’t
speed and I drove all my friends home, which
remember anything about it. It was nine in the
was really dangerous.
morning and I was walking down the street with
and then walked into work off my
head. I suddenly felt really
nervous and anxious
and took one
look at
“However, about 10 minutes walk away from
(meaning the car), got out and disappeared into a
Magic Mushrooms
Class: A
Liberties, magics, mushies,
shrooms, fly…
bush by the side of the road. Louise went to park
by my flat and waited for me.
“About 15 minutes later she saw me walking
up the white line in the middle of the road,
waving two handfuls of leaves and chanting
“Don’t Attack Iraq.”
What you’ve done:
come home I took a half gram of coke and some
had some more pot and speed and coke
her car (she was sober).
to take a pill. People were openly taking drugs
party when I was 18. I was the designated driver
When I got home I got ready for work,
“By the time I arrived at the club I was
have no idea how I got there, but I wandered to
in the morning. The last thing I remember is
of pot and then just before I got into my car to
down with vodka). I felt ok and so went out to
club in Spain and was pretty wasted, and decided
“It was pretty awesome until about two
“I went down the coast for an after-school
by my friends to eat a lump of resin (washed
thin). Louise then decided to take me home in
“When I was 19, I went out to a big dance
dancing and waving at my friend opposite me
waiting for the trip to end. We went
“I once announced that cannabis doesn’t
have any effect on me and was duly challenged
a club.
had done it but it was the worst.
“Then we were on a low and just
Edinburgh
Ecstasy
Class: A
Brownies, disco biscuits, E,
X, love doves, Mitsubishis,
pills, sweeties…
because they were free. It wasn’t the first time I
out because we called the Glaswegian guy gay
What you’ve done:
Hilary Wardle, 26
hallucinating, you can’t see your watch so you
world when a group of people came in and
there was a place in the room where we went to
Cannabis
Class: C
Dope, draw, grass, herb,
marijuana, pot, puff,
skunk, spliff, wacky backy,
weed…
“When I got to my flat I couldn’t get my key
Rose Anderson, 26
in the lock, but luckily Louise appeared behind
Wales
me and unlocked the door for me. I told her she’d
saved my life before falling over. She somehow
“When I went to Thailand, we had mushroom
managed to get me up my stairs and into bed,
a stranger in broad daylight. I started screaming
milkshakes. They were disgusting. They tasted
but when I shut my eyes I lost all sense of who I
at this guy, ‘Where the fuck are my friends, who
like earth and nothing happened for about an
was and thought that I was spiralling through a
the fuck are you?’
hour, but then we just got really really inebriated.
dark void and decided that I must have died. It
“I spent about an hour sitting in this café
was a bit scary and soon afterwards I took back
walking along, and he was like, ‘Calm down, what
looking at my hands through the ultra violet light
my claim that cannabis doesn’t have any effect
are you talking about, I found you wandering
thinking it was really cool. We had a toilet roll
on me.”
about in the woods beside the club.’ I think I hit
fight in a shop, which was the funniest thing at
him but I can’t remember.
the time but quite a stupid thing to do.
“I gave the guy so much shit while we were
“I was really scared because I couldn’t
believe it was nine in the morning, when
the last thing I remembered was
dancing at two. It’s just like
you wake up out of
some sort of
“Then we walked around the beach and we
found this really cool massive palm tree hanging
over the sea. It had a swing – a tyre with a rope
through it, and going on that high was really fun.
We went right over the sea.
“One of the boys I was with took a diet pill
and he was really high. I took pictures of the
moon and the sea and my feet and I thought I
24
July 2007
The Miserablist
The Miserablist
July 2007
25
FAMILY
people and their
BLOODY KIDS
Words: Michael Begg
sugar, salt, caffeine and certainly no alcohol.
if you’re daft enough to go round to their house.
FAMILY
savagery. I mean, what next? – bear baiting?
Woe betide anyone on a bus not immediately
Charles Junior has taken his first step; Young
noticing ‘the bump’ and leaping from their seat,
George can use his potty; Little Annabel can sing
other people’s enjoyment of places, they’re
spreading their coat on the ground and offering
‘Baa-Baa Black Sheep’. The list is endless and
clogging up the roads in between in the only
a supportive arm (although certainly never in a
never-failing in its imparting of total mundanities
vehicles big enough to get their stupid über-
patronising way). And God help anyone daring
as groundbreaking developments. And, of
prams into: bloody 4x4s. Go near a school in
to smoke within 30 metres of them – this is
course, broadband internet access was invented
any area posher than a scrap heap and you’ll
practically child abuse and punishable by death-
solely for the distribution of photos of miserable
be cuffed off the pavement by one of these
stare and stern lecture.
infants in Halloween costumes.
tanks pulling up to let some tiny urchin jump
A word on The Birth. If I am ever lucky
enough to meet one of those astoundingly
heroic men and women who spent five years in a
Japanese POW camp, who were starved, tortured
and worked to death on a daily basis and who
took out their own appendix with a rusty British
army issue canteen spoon, I will of course pay
rapt attention to anything they care to tell me
Once the little
darlings grow legs,
the world is their
creche
about the anguish, suffering and above all the
pain they had to endure, day after long day, with
When they’re not letting their children ruin
down and run off to join its playmates for
another day chipping away at their teacher’s
sanity. Any suggestion that transportation fit
for the crown jewels might be overdoing it is
met with the hysterical assertion that the roads
are so dangerous that anything less would be
tantamount to murder – which is true if everyone
else is tanking around in the civilian equivalent of
armoured personnel carriers.
It’s this over-riding idea of their children’s
The real tragedy of the situation is that once
W
no end in sight. I will sit in mute admiration of
absolute pre-eminence that leads to all sorts of
they’ve set their children up as demigods, through
AAAAH! That kid behind you on the
their unfathomable courage and indefatigable
other ridiculous behaviour from parents. Have
years of pandering to their every vagary and
bus just won’t shut up. She’s not even
resilience, unable to imagine in any way how I
you seen, for example, the prams people push
driving them anywhere further away than the end
crying, she’s just grizzling, making
would have done anything but give up and die
around these days? The size of fairground
of the garden, those children turn into the very
a noise because she can. And why doesn’t
on the spot if placed in a similar situation. If, on
dodgems, they are forcefully thrust onto tube
least suitable creatures to wield such absolute
her daddy tell her to be quiet? Because he’s a
the other hand, I have to hear one more birth
trains and buses and down busy pavements,
power – teenagers. A grim prospect indeed. And
pandering idiot whose precious child can do no
description; how I can never understand how
thoughtlessly barging the baby-less unfortunates
that’s why I’ve already signed my future offspring
wrong. His waking life is devoted to serving his
frightening it is; how she’s never felt any pain
out of the way of whatever tiny slumbering
up for military school.
mithering offspring and nothing else, not just in
like it; how he nearly dropped his video camera
maggot lies cocooned in the depths of this junior
his life, but in everyone else’s, can possibly be as
into the birthing pool from shock; how everything
4x4. Everything about modern prams and their
important: he’s a modern parent.
between navel and knee needed stitching; then
pushers is predicated on the baby’s supremacy
I am quite sure I will better understand how a
over all other beings, especially adults, barren
one thing has always been pretty certain: people
Japanese camp commandant could inflict such
untermenschen that we are, who should really
have always had children. Reproduction is
horrific violence on his involuntary guests. Get
know better.
necessary for the survival of any species, and so,
this: I am not fucking interested in your idiotically
as long as humans have been humans (and long
solipsistic take on childbirth pain, UK maternity
learn a few words, every café, shop, public
before that – just drive round Cumbernauld and
hospitals and midwifery, or what an incredible
space, even the occasional decent pub, has them
count the prams), they have had children. So
thing it is to see another human being come into
running about in it – screaming, crying, knocking
why do parents these days act as if it’s the very
the world.
things over, dribbling, hitting, puking, bawling and
Throughout the history of the human race,
first time it has ever happened to anyone?
Of course, it’s once the poor sods are out that
God help anyone daring
to smoke within 30
metres of them. This
is practically child
abuse
And once the little darlings grow legs and
whining, while their parents drink wine and tell
the parents can become really annoying. There
each other just how hard it is to cope with the
is a brief respite as the new mother and father
monsters they’ve created.
take their little bundle of happiness home and
Not only is the world these people’s crèche,
presumably coo over it moronically for a couple of
we’re also expected to sit idly by while their
weeks – enough time for serious sleep deprivation
offspring ruin it for everyone else because they
to take effect and that freshly-lobotomised look
have signally failed to instil any idea of restraint
to set in – before they emerge again from their
or respect into the little shits. And because they
dwelling and start to tell anyone who doesn’t
can’t control them, the parents have to justify
immediately run away how it has ‘totally changed
every little bit of bad behaviour with some reason
their lives’. No kidding? I thought it would be
why their child is special: so, every capricious
more like getting a cat or something. They wake
refusal to eat is put down to food allergy (and
up in the middle of the night, they say? I can’t
what a booming industry that is); the incapacity
be the only person in the country whose parents
to sit still for more than three seconds is because
have, on countless, occasions made it clear how
of precocious intelligence; psychopathic anti-
place friends will confide that they’re “trying for
awful he was as a baby. Even the most casual
socialness is heightened sensitivity and every livid
a baby”. Exciting news, of course, except that
perusal of any TV drama since the 1960s will
tantrum is explained by low boredom thresholds.
some people embark on this task as if it were
show some instance of the use of a crying baby
Naturally, the idea of doing anything that might
some sort of astronaut training. And they tell you
to portray urban misery, relationship strain,
stifle their young geniuses’ self-expression
fatigue, failure to cope etc. So what were they
or enjoyment is almost as horrifying as the
expecting?
suggestion of hauling them away from whichever
Long before any conception has even taken
all about it. They tell you about their diets (lots
case” (just in case of what? – they forget how to
of folic acid); that they’ve stopped drinking and
do it?) It’s as if food additives and background
couples can be so unbelievably precious about
adopted an exercise regime; that they’re wearing
radiation were laying waste to the fertility of the
it. Anyone stupid enough to invite them round
looser trousers or taking their temperature every
entire race, with our heroic couple here ready to
for dinner practically gets handed a diet sheet
to look after a baby is just the beginning of a
and giving the little horrors the thick ear they
half hour; that they’re trying optimal positions
step into the breach at a moment’s notice and
to work from – no soft cheese, blue cheese,
litany of revelations announced by the new family
so richly deserve. In fact, the merest hint that
(during and afterwards) and optimal times of day;
bang away selflessly with the preservation of
non-pasteurised milk, ice-cream, pâté, raw eggs,
on a monthly basis – sometimes by email to a
this might be an appropriate course of action is
that they’ve frozen some eggs and sperm “just in
humankind the sole thought in their heads.
shellfish, shark, swordfish, marlin, liver, nuts,
presumably breathless mailing list, or in person
seen as childhood-robbing abuse of antediluvian
26
July 2007
The Miserablist
When they actually do ‘get pregnant’, some
The shock news of how hard it actually is
table of strangers they’re pissing off, apologising
The Miserablist
July 2007
27
WEST LONDON
WEST LONDON
BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO WEST LONDON
START!
Words: Ally Lee
RIDICULOUSLY POSH
Obviously. But it’s not just
VEGETATION – MORE GREEN
the huge Victorian houses,
Baron Haussmann was commissioned by Napoleon
“Hey, what’s West London like?”
SUVs and wide tree-lined
III to rip apart Paris and make
“Well, to be honest I’m not there much… but it’s er,
boulevards, it’s the fact that
it the first ‘planned’ city. Part of
really...nice.”
the McDonald’s looks like
that plan was to utilise common
this. Even the chippy had an
greenspace to act as ‘lungs’
times by now. I’ve been the one to answer just as
intimidating sleek store-front
within urbanised areas. West
often as I’ve been to ask. West London remains an
that had me wiping my shoes
Londoners have got this down
enigma. Since arriving in town nearly three years
upon entering. Now I know
pat, but it’s a more individual
ago, I’ve settled comfortably in the East, and it’s been natural and necessary
where to go for antiques,
experience.
‘Nice’ huh? I’ve had that conversation countless
to venture North and South, but West? Nothing has drawn me that direction
besides the occasional social event (read: where you wind up blacking-out and
jewellery, chandeliers and the sort
Toby: I’m working through
forgetting how you got home and wondering
of thing that rich people break for
an agency, but they take
why you’re wearing shoes and nothing else in
fun. A Harrods delivery van raced
half the money. I want to go
bed whilst clutching a Bible and a cucumber).
past a few times and I realised it
I brought my friend Toby along for a casual
was the first time I had ever seen
CLEANER + HEALTHIER
my personal safety. I need to
afternoon of strolling, observing and chatting.
one.
We came across practically no street-litter. It was also
find a driver.
We crossed our way through Paddington,
independent, but I’d worry about
impossible to find a kebab shop. In East London there
Bayswater, Notting Hill and into Chelsea &
Toby: Believe me, the washroom
is a kebab shop per 25 residents, or roughly 2,678
Kensington. Toby is a dominatrix from Toronto
in McDonald’s was nothing like the
per square mile. When we did chance upon one, it
who was visiting London for the first time. Here’s
exterior.
looked like this. Swish huh? Imagine it with the flood
what we found out...
lights on. There are a lot of joggers and many people
walking their dogs.
NOTTING HILL ARTS CLUB (NIGHTLIFE)
This gets its own section since it’s the only cool
Toby: All the dogs have very shiny coats of fur.
place to go, apparently. We asked the art-school-
ATTRACTIONS
LESS SCRUFFY PEOPLE AND MORE
drop-out looking types and bearded sound
It wasn’t the weekend so unfortunately we didn’t get the full
RESPECTFULNESS
geeks pushing vinyl in the record shops – same
effect of lovely Portobello Market. Most residents said they hate
I kept a mental tab to photograph the
answer: “The NHAC is excellent…” There seems to be a lack
most unkempt/crazy person of the day
of variety round these parts. Gastro-pubs and cocktail lounges
the Carnival, where up to 1.5 million people parade the streets
and I didn’t get a single snap. There
rule, clearly no place for car park
were some scruffy-suspects, but only
raves, basement guerrilla gigs, or
Toby: We have Carnival too, but it’s called Caribana
bad enough to receive a quick glance
anything with a bit of grit. Unless
and lasts longer. People get shot every year.
and little consideration for photo-
they’re keeping it a big secret.
in an orgy of claustrophobia and wallet-picking. At least it only lasts two days of the year.
worthiness. No one was shouting or
acting belligerently. Even graffiti-wise,
whoever tagged these phonebooths
EVERY OTHER PERSON IS A TOURIST
made sure to do so in a polite and
Those London Sightseeing double-deckers can
inoffensive manner. The sign on this mirror says, “Please restore and give
cross your path as often as the normal buses.
me a good new home”. It was on a fairly major street. That thing wouldn’t
And at one point I thought it may have been
have stayed unclaimed for two
the new fad to drag along wheeled luggage
minutes in some parts, potentially
in place of carrying a purse or handbag. But there are simply many tourists round these
starting WWIII in others.
parts, shuffling to hotels and stations or standing huddled in small groups consulting their
VERDICT:
maps and disrupting walk-flow. I was asked for directions no less than five times – wrong
It’s really, really rich here but there are
Toby: Sometimes you do question
person to ask really. To the directionally-challenged Scandinavian man who crossed the
redeeming qualities to this part of town. It
your own sanity and morals. You
damn road to approach me. “Excuse me,
does, however, feel very dry and clichéd.
have to be in absolute control, even
do you know how to speak English?”
There is little sense of vibrancy and the
as a client is turning blue from
is not the most endearing way to start
people you see out and about are not the
YOUNG PEOPLE
a conversation in an English-speaking
most intriguing. I suppose West London is
You get some hipster guys but not
country.
nice. There is no way I would want to live
strangulation.
many. There are more of these
here, although I would not be averse to
types (above) than usual. There
Toby: I have a gay misogynist client who
are more old people cruising the
gets me to kick him as hard as I can in the
streets too.
groin. It can be awkward.
dating someone from these parts.
Toby: It’s really
nice here.
28
July 2007
The Miserablist
Toby: What’s Camden like?
The Miserablist
Finish.
July 2007
29
FASHION
WHATT
H EwhatF Uthe CfuckK A
1. That’s it...
2. Nice ‘n slow...
3. Thank you.
ARE YOU WEARING?
REYOUW
EARING?
Eastern European?
Are you disrespectin’ me?
30
July 2007
The Miserablist
“I made this skirt myself.”
FAIL.