- The Wa Magazine

THE WA
THE WA VOLUME 3 ISSUE 1
Editor
Patrick McGuire
Associate Editor
George Pakozdi
Cover Photography
Asen Ognyanov
Inside Cover Photo
Miguel Van Den Oever
Illustrations
Michael Deforge
Mallory Diaczun
David Owen Morgan (index)
Writing
Kevin Chartley
John Estabillo
Marlon Frisby
Pat Maloney
Jap Makkar
Tim McCready
Patrick McGuire
Aaron Power
James Rathbone
Miguel Van Den Oever
Maria Valdivieso
Cory Woods
Promotions
James Rathbone
Layout
Patrick McGuire
[email protected]
WINDEX
Toronto public food expands street vending to Australian, Chinese, and Banglideshi sausages.
Councillors discussing 11 pm last call to be in effect by this summer.
Drunk Driving Competition begins this January on Richmond St. W.
Student publication excited to cover Nuit Blanche, not much else.
City blog excited to cover American Apparel Hiring, not much else.
University of Toronto “Fun Committee” relocates to Montreal.
Happy Seven for lease, Kindred Cafe under investigation. Venerable institutions no more-sad days.
Cafe Diplomatico suffering from patio withdrawal, below average veal parmasean.
The best food in Parkdale is probably 241 Pizza at Lansdowne and Queen. $3!
TTC to plate turnstiles in platinum, decrease bus service to Scarborough.
City Hall promises to bring number of Toronto rap concerts down from 4 to 1 in 2009
3/10 U of T students have had a hot T.A.
Everyone who drinks on Ossington is old. Stop going.
1/3 of Creative Writing students write about flowers, metaphysics, girls who are 6/10.
Number of vegetarians writing for The Wa: 1
70% of literary journals are subconsciously attracted to domestic birds.
Jack Layton purchases Jack Daniels at Dundas and Spadina LCBO; attempts to run country.
George Pakozdi purchases Jack Daniels at Dundas and Spadina LCBO, attempts to run amock.
Kenny Vs. Spenny is scripted. Sorry.
Charles St. W. condo construction begins at site of french elementary school, sept enfants mort.
“Drunk Tobogganing” to be the #1 side-effect of boredom at your parents’ house this winter.
Strike allows thousands of York University students to visit Toronto for the first time.
6/10 say subway isn’t so scary.
PURPLE DRANK
FRANK OVERBY
Drank gets a lot of people excited. Maybe it’s because
most of us don’t hang out in Houston basements, tripping on codeine and promethazine, listening to UGK
with the tempo slider all the way to the bottom. Or maybe it’s just because of Lil’ Wayne’s success. Dude walks
up to courtside seats at a Lakers game, sipping purple
like it’s Kool Aid, and no one tells him that outside food
and beverages are banned inside the Staples Center. It’s
as big as codeine abuse can get, and it’s getting worse.
vodka, and liquid codeine. It tasted way too good.
After chilling it on ice and sitting back down to iChat and
Tha Carter III Chopped and Screwed, the purple drink
started to slow things down. There was a lot of slurred
speech, blank stares, confusion, and halted urination. Yeah,
it’s impossible to pee on sizzurp. The effects lasted close
to four hours, and they accelerated our drunkenness that
evening, leaving us with a strange epiphany of a hangover
the next morning. Overall, it’s a pretty awesome time,
though we’re not recommending you make it or try it ever.
The Innovative Beverage Group has released an “antienergy” drink in the United States called Drank which
comes in a purple can and is marketed to slow one’s
roll and cause its users to lean. Since this stuff isn’t
available or legal in Canada, we got some sent across
the border to a Toronto address to see if this stuff
actually works. After one failed delivery, we received
five cans. Of course, we had to try the real thing first.
A couple of days later, we broke out a few cans of Drank
in its American convenience store form. The drink’s
sedative qualities come from valerian root and rose hip,
two hippie ingredients known to cause drowsiness. The
stuff tastes pretty good; grape and lightly carbonated. At
first, we laughed off the purported effects of drowsiness. We felt fine, and while the drink did taste like a
slightly fruity chemistry set, we were certain it wasn’t going to slow us down. Well, we drank the stuff around
five, and by ten that night, everyone who tried it was
passed out in front of The Big Lebowski or in mid-conversation with their girlfriend. We’re not sure that we can
reccomend it, but if you do find yourself in a convenience store down south and you need a sleep remedy,
might as well get chopped and screwed legally. If you
do go for the real thing, just don’t end up like Pimp C.
The active ingredients in the real purple drank are
codeine and promethazine. The latter is not available
over the counter in Canada as it is an illegal narcotic.
Our pharmacist friends would have to do some safecracking to get it for us, and to be honest, we were
too impatient to let that happen. Instead, we broke
down some Tylenol 2s for their precious codeine and
whipped up a mixture of grape Fanta, cough syrup,
4
DEAR CRAIGSLIST
PAT MALONEY
So, I really have to ask, are you serious?
My main questions would be:
Hi
a) What is his housing arangement right now?
Does he have his own room/enclosure or a
place to sleep and he’s out the rest of the time?
b) What kind of bylaw situation applies?
Would I be able to take him to a vet so he
would get proper treatment or would I be
ratted out, fined and the animal taken away?
c) What is his current dietary requirements? I have a basic idea, but wonder if
any additonal supplements are required.
d) Does he need to be diapered?
e) Has he been exposed to other animals? We have a dog and some birds.
f) We also have a baby. Has the monkey been
exposed to children before and socialized?
g) Overall health and age of the animal.
We are interested and would like to provide a home provided that it is reasonable
to properly care for the animal, it won’t totally destroy our house. If you don’t think
he would be suitable, please let us know.
I just happen to be needing a
one-legged
tone-deaf
monkey. (I’ll finally have someone
to sing to) Ill give it a good
home. I have never owned a
monkey, but I can learn fast.
Would love a small pet, but
I’m allergic to cats and my
place is too small for a dog.
It’s not a psycho monkey, I hope.
Will shop for bananas
i want in...
a little background on me, i adore
animals, i was in a car accident a
couple years ago, broke my neck,
but im fine now, i have a pup, and
this sounds like it would add a
ton to our lives, and seems like
it would be something different!
Your posting has been flagged for removal.
5
ART REVIEW
Detective Story by Irme Kertesz
George Pakozdi
Man On Wire
Rosalinda Silvester
Man on Wire is the kind of documentary that
makes documentaries worth watching in the first
place. I mean, if you have to watch someone doing something within the boundaries of reality, it
might as well be so fucking extroardinary that your
inner thigh tingles. Right? Am I alone on this?
Imre Kertesz, author of Fatelessness, channels the
spirit of Humbert Humbert in his newly translated short novel Detective Story: the narrator Antonio Martens is a former police torturer for a
deposed Latin American regime, in jail awaiting trial, and “writes” the story in an attempt to
exonerate himself morally, if not legally, by explaining his investigation of the Salinas family.
This doc follows a French man’s mission to string
a cable across the twin towers and walk, dance,
lie down, and hop over to the other side. That’s
all.
Unfortunately things like wind, expense,
the NYPD, and cowardice interfere along the
way, but eventually, things work out alright.
Kertesz gives us a problematic perspective – as
in Lolita, a horrific criminal tries to lure us onto
his side, though Martens uses the cold rationality of a police state operative in place of Humbert’s eloquent, perverse prose. As he builds
his “case”, the line between criminal and investigator blurs; it gets harder and harder to resist
the urge to sympathize with Martens and to ignore his charges against Enrique Salinas. As in
all his novels, here Kertesz explores the human
experience of black and white morality, and the
countless swatches of grey that fall in between.
One of things you should know about this film is that
the producers didn’t have much original footage to
work with. But, instead of relying on interviews and
old stock photographs, the film makers re-enacted
parts of the story that were spliced in with the narration. This means the movie isn’t boring! Even if you
secretly hate the realism of documentary filmmaking,
there’s just enough of a dramatic fictional element to
keep you thinking what you’re watching is credible.
6
ART REVIEW
Left 4 Dead- XBOX 360
Aaron Power
88 Keys – The Death of Adam
James Rathbone
If the software developer Valve means anything to you, then you know about Half-Life
and Counter-Strike and Half-Life 2 and Team
Fortress Classic and all of the amazing pieces
of code that have made multiplayer gaming
fun in the past decade or so. Well, they just
put out this game called Left 4 Dead, and if
you take all of that gaming tradition, and mix
it with zombies, you’ve got an idea of what
this game is like. The game consists of four
co-operative campaigns, and although you
can play them single player (with bots as your
teammates) you’ll want to boot up multiplayer
with 3 other friends or strangers, the latter being surprisingly fun. It’s essentially fast paced
Coming off the stellar Adam’s Case Files
mixtape released this summer, a collect of
some of underground rap’s current hottest
philosophizing about love and relationship,
The Death of Adam is rapper/producer 88
Key’s first LP. 88 Keys is best known by
those who have actually heard of him as
the producer of tracks by artists like Mos
Def and the Pharcyde. It’s a conceptual
tale of the love life of a fictional character named Adam, intended to represent
the everyman. This translates into a col-
zombie killing mayhem for an hour and a half
(per campaign) all set in the schlocky style of
the zombie survival film genre. Fuck Resident
Evil and its ‘kill two zombies every five minutes,’ L4D gives you wave upon wave of zombies to de-limb, set on fire or blow up. Yes, the
weapons are limited and there are only four
campaigns, but its online co-operative structure
is innovative. A certain type of nerdy camaraderie develops with strangers, and you’ll no
doubt piss off friends by ignoring their frantic
cries for you to toss them a health pack, but if
watching your friend’s virtual avatar get pummeled by a gigantic zombie without doing anything to help is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
lection of songs about issues like STDs,
baby-mama drama, and what to do about
morning wood. While it has strong moments, the album strangely does not have
the same cohesion as the mixtape. Perhaps
the problem is that whereas the Adam’s
Case Files sounded like a rare sincere hiphop lament for romance, this album is too
tongue in cheek towards all of its issues. Before this 88 Keys was best known for creating what some consider the best song in hip
hop ever(!) “Thieves in the Night” by Black
Star, with its serious introspection on what
rap means in society. I think that 88 Keys
is probably capable of higher art than this.
7
I was a christian rock label intern
TIM MCCREADY
February 2000, I was 21 years old and living in Stoney
Creek ON, finishing up my diploma in Audio Engineering and Multimedia Production at Recording
Arts Canada. I’d spent the past four months interning at Sonic Unyon Distribution in Hamilton two
full days a week, which involved me walking around
their warehouse picking cd orders for record stores.
Despite my best efforts, job prospects seemed weak.
I was a born-again Christian and had spent my high
school years splitting Fridays between youth group
and going to local punk shows at the Acapulco Delight, trying to reconcile how
I’d been raised with the kind
of music and art that made me
feel good. I was a big fan of
Christian metal, hardcore and
emo bands like Zao, Stretch
Armstrong and Further Seems
Forever, so I figured the best
way to get the kind of job I
wanted was to do a string of
internships around the US in
the Christian Rock industry.
I applied for three full-time unpaid internships that I proposed to be two months long
each. The first was at HM Magazine in Austin TX, then
Grrr Records which is part of a 400 person Christian
commune in Uptown Chicago and lastly, Tooth and
Nail Records in Seattle. I was accepted to all three.
I drove down to Austin in mid-March. The editor
and founder of HM, Doug Van Pelt, threw me right
into the mix. I was assigned stories for the next issue the first week I was there. They had me write half
the CD reviews, taught me about ad sales, assigned
me six pages to layout, and explained the printing
process to me. This was by far, the most education-
8
-al and helpful internship I’ve done before or since.
I drove up to Chicago in mid-May to spend the
next 6 weeks in the Jesus People U.S.A. commune.
Grrr Records was the home to bands like the
Blamed, Ballydowse, and the Glenn Kaiser Band.
Scientific and Unwed Sailor both lived in the community but they weren’t on the label. They had
me do publicity, calling the few magazines around
the country who’d cover Christian music to see if
they’d write reviews or do interviews, and sent me
out for a week around Michigan and Indiana as the
tour manager for the
Glenn Kaiser Band.
I spent the rest of
my time helping out
at the community’s
in-house
T-shirt
screen printing shop.
I ended my time
with Grrr Records
at Cornerstone Festival in southern Illinois during the first
week of June. I drove
up to Minneapolis for a few days, and then spent
four straight days driving out to Tooth and Nail
in Seattle, only taking breaks to sleep in my car.
Tooth and Nail was my favorite record company
at the time. I’d been really influenced by labels
like SST, Discord and Epitaph, but I felt Tooth
and Nail combined a lot of things I was passionate about. If you were in a Christian punk or
hardcore band, it was the label to be on. I actually got paid a few bucks to write bios for bands
like the Deadlines and Norma Jean, and at the
end of the 2 months was offered a job as their
mail order manager, which wouldn’t have been a
bad gig since there was 4 full time paid employees
working on their mail order business at the time.
A QUICK AND INCOMPREHENSIVE
GUIDE TO CHRISTIAN ROCK
I was being interviewed for the job of assistant editor at HM as well, so my hard work looked like it was
going to pay off, but I hit a wall when I realized I
couldn’t get a work visa. I was a 21-year-old Canadian
with no degree so I was forced to go back to Windsor.
Stretch Arm Strong started in South
Carolina. While a lot of the members
are outspoken Christians, they’re not really cool with being defined as a Christian band. Think of it as Christian rock
without the preaching. Makes you feel
good, yknow. The band supports issues like their quadriplegic bandmate,
sexual violence, and animal rights.
So Further Seems Forever was apparently started by the original singer of Dashboard Confessional. Their lyrics have
a bunch of Christian themes in them,
and they’ve been associated with Tooth
& Nail Records. They played at Cornerstone, a Christian Rock music festival.
I spent the next 2.5 years cramming my 4 year
degree in Visual Arts and Communication studies into 5 semesters. Within the first year back in
Windsor I came to conclusion I didn’t believe in
Christianity anymore. I was so bummed I’d spend
all this time, energy and money getting into the
Christian rock industry, couldn’t use those connections to work in the US, and didn’t have any connections in the regular non-religious music industry.
Ballydowse is from Chicago. They’re
a mix of anarchist and religious ideals
fused together by members of a commune called Jesus People U.S.A. They
were one of the first religious bands
to care about stuff like the “economic
sanctions on Iraq in the 200s, prison reform, death penalty, and the short-comings of capatalism”. Thanks Wikipedia.
Glenn Kaiser is like 55 and he was
part of the Jesus People U.S.A. commune as well. He’s known best for
the Resurrection Band, which began
in the early 70s as a travelling mobile outreach. While their bluesy rock
sound was considered as “devil’s music” by some, it helped transform the
shape and sound of Christian Rock.
I graduated in August 2003 with my degree in Visual Arts and by mid-December found myself sailing around the Carribbean doing Theatre Production for Princess Cruises. But that’s another story.
9
88 Keys interviewed by Patrick McGuire
Long Island producer/rapper 88 Keys has made beats
for Black Star, Beanie Sigel, The Pharcyde, Macy Gray,
and a few others. This year, he put out his first major solo release called the Death of Adam, as well as a
free mixtape called Adam’s Case Files. DoA is a concept album, and you can read our review of it later on
this issue. I talked to 88 Keys when he came to Toronto at the end of November upstairs at Cartel on
Queen St. The guy wears Polo pretty much exclusively.
Who do you want to work with next?
I definitely wanna get in the studio for Kid Cudi’s project. Working with people who I know, like Kanye West,
Jay Davie, Bilal... besides my friends, I don’t really care to
work with anyone else right now. Being a producer and
working on your own album is way different than being a producer every day, slaving over beats, then trying to sell those beats. And now with Pro Tools, people
can do a whole album with your beat
tape, then say nah we don’t like those.
Between Adam’s Case Files and Death of Adam, I feel
like you put out two albums this year. Did you ever
consider making it a double disc?
Nah. With Case Files, I strictly did that for
the fans, also for my own boredom. I had
so many different release dates for my album and those release dates changed on
the fault of my own. I didn’t feel it was at
the level it should be, or where it wound
up being. The fans were starting to revolt! I was starting to hear “We want the
Death of Adam!” too often. I was getting
tired of chasing down features, waiting
for people who are on the album to clear
their schedules, so while I’m waiting, why
not just put something together and do
something for the fans. It did better than
people in my camp expected, it did 10,000 downloads
in a week, and it eventually climbed up to 20,000.
How did you get involved with GOOD music?
Kanye and I, we’re best friends. Literally, since the
year 2000. He’s actually, I have two
daughters, he’s their godfather. When
I tell people like, oh yeah he’s my best
friend... it’s like... you still ride the subways, you’re supposed to be in a Maybach if you’re Kanye’s best friend.
Is the Death of Adam based on any
real life disaster stories?
You tell me! Can you relate to the friend
zone? I’m doing the interview now.
Yes. Then there’s morning wood...
I didn’t want to go there, but, I made this
album for everybody. I was hoping women don’t take it
as a misogynistic joint, it’s all real life stuff. The way the
album was before, the story changed since Kanye’s involvement, when he hopped on as executive producer.
Are you listening to any other mixtapes?
I got Kid Cudi’s mixtape, which I personally feel blew
my mixtape out of the water. People haven’t really compared it but I remember I heard excerpts from it when
we first recorded “Ho Short for Honey” and this was
right before mine got released. I was scared, but honestly I’ve never really been big on mixtapes. I tuned out
of hip-hop music altogether when I was working on my
album. In my household, we don’t watch a lot of BET,
MTV damn near doesn’t play any videos anymore. I
don’t think we have MTVu or all those cool channels.
What changed?
I don’t want to say... for the people that have the
album,
most
people
know
how
Adam
died, some still haven’t figured it out.
Maybe I have to listen to it again but it sounded
like an STD
Wrong! Next! You gotta listen to it again. Alright, here’s
a clue for everybody out there. That is not how he died.
10
Nam Le interviewed by Marlon Frisby
Nam Le’s debut story collection The Boat was released
in 2008 and has seen relative success since then. A
Vietnamese-Australian who attended the Iowa Writer’s Workshop, Nam recently received the 2008 Dylan
Thomas Prize and was named by The National Book
Foundation as one of this year’s “5 Under 35”. Nam
battled a cold to talk to our interviewer Marlon about
his stories, his future projects, and the 2008 election.
Well the thing is… I was on them when I was only a few
months old. Since then I’ve never seen one of those
boats in person. I’ve only seen images and reconstructions. So it was very much a process of imagination.
The protagonists of many of your stories in The
Boat are fairly young and I wondered if you had
a certain stake in the importance of youth or if
you were just particularly interested in the stories you could tell through these characters.
In your story “Love and Honor and Pity…” there’s
a moment where the Nam Le in the story is pondering “Ethnic Literature” with a friend, and his friend
is championing him for not falling in line with it.
But the writer in the story does end up writing a
little about his father and his culture, and so I wonder how you view the rise of “Ethnic Literature”.
It’s something that I noticed more in retrospect. I think
part of the project were these stories… a story like “Halfhead Bay” is or was to give childrens’ and adolescents’
consciousness the full scope and dignity and eloquence
that we usually put reserve for adults. We tend to think
of younger voices as being somehow being less subtle
or rich or contradictory and somehow provisional as
compared to adult voices and this is reflected in how we
categorize and market YA or children’s fiction. One of
the things that empowered those character choices was
the idea that these voices were incredibly … as complicated as adult voices and also that because they come
from a consciousness which is still developing and in
many ways is much more open to external influences
whether familial or cultural or political and so these consciousnesses of children carry more for me than adults.
I think it’s a complex question. I think it’s one that… the
fact that the need to deal with the question in a bleak
somewhat playful way. Part of it is a question of taxonomy and how we characterize things and whether
it’s constructive to stick stories in genres like that. The
character and his friend are talking about in a way that
is not so much to do with the fiction it self or whatever that category is if it’s ethnic or immigrant but
rather the infrastructure that’s been built up around
this fiction or narratives and how it’s presented to the
world. And that’s where these characters are concerned.
There’s something very surreal about “Cartagena” in that for the first few pages it’s hard to
believe these characters are children. I found
myself thinking I had misread something or
I was missing something or they were talking about age in some way that is different.
Do you think it says anything about this era’s literary tastes that two of the last three Booker Prize
winners have been an Indian woman and an Indian/Australian man instead of a white British man?
What it does speak to is an opening up of fiction and literature to include narratives that are coming from people and
places that might have been uncommon a few years ago.
That story is very much one which tries to complicate
and explode the notion of societal conceptions of age.
This boy has seen and done and had things done to
him which most of us in our entire adult lives could
never conceive of. This boy has been pushed to acts
and reflections about his acts that again explode our
traditional ideas of maturity. The tragic irony is that
he is simultaneously not a child and very much a child.
Have you been on or seen any of the boats
that would’ve been used for the kinds
of escapes in your story “The Boat” or
did you conjure them in your head?
11
BARCELONA and the SEVEN DEADLY SINS
MIGUEL VAN DEN OEVER
PRIDE
Club 13 is a new addition to Barcelona’s club repertoire. It’s mostly frequented by posh Catalan locals
with upturned noses. This venue sees little tourists so
make sure you look like you own the place when you
walk in. Don’t be put off by the size of the ground
level room, the basement is where you’ll find the
masses of beautiful people in their natural habitat.
Barcelona is a thriving seaside multicultural city. It is renowned for its bohemian attitudes, decadent indulgences,
and unrivaled party ethics. This city offers a bit of everything, from its gothic quarter presenting a harmonious
ensemble of medieval architecture and ultra modern boutiques, to the posh Eixample district with its wide Passeig
de Gracia dotted with Gaudi’s modernist architectural
gems to the cultural haven of the Montjuïc and Poble
Sec district. If you go, I strongly recommended that you
take a few days to do the tourist thing and soak up the
entire cultural heritage that Barcelona has to offer. In the
mean time, enjoy the following insider tips and sin away!
GREED
If you feel like trying your luck on some gambling check
out Las Quinelas on C/ París 133. This state sponsored, national level bookie will take bets on countless
football
matches.
You
can
pretty
much
bet on any permutation you can think of.
LUST
The Baghdad Sex Club is infamous for its “interactive”
performances. There is a full sex show called “Pornarama” where absurdly beautiful girls remove their clothes
to perfectly choreographed rhythms of deep, funky,
house music, all in an intimate theater-like local venue.
Before you know it, there is an explosion of whipped
cream and colourful sex-toy fucking. There are three
two hour shows running back to back every day of the
week. The cover is 60 €, but it comes with a free drink.
WRATH
The urban design of Barcelona has placed it at the top
of the list for urban skateboarding destinations. Young
skaters flock from all over Europe to take advantage of
the endless riding possibilities that Barcelona has to offer. However, a recent ban on skateboarding in public
places has taken effect. Nonetheless, this piece of legislation has done little to curb the enjoyment of hundreds
of skaters. Keep this in mind if you bring your board.
SLOTH
The beach at the west end of the
Ronda Litoral is a perfect place to
chill-out, as long as the weather
permits. The water temperatures
will almost always be a bit on
the cool side especially if you’re
used the warmth of the Caribbean. Regardless, it pretty doable in late spring and early fall,
the coolness of the water goes very nicely with the intense summer heat. All beach bars along the Litoral are
very generic. This is due to the lengthy set of zoning
bylaws imposed on them. These bars are to be taken
advantage of during the daylight hours, seeing as they
have an early closing time. But, you can always just purchase beers from the many roaming venders that are
all over the shore. These black-market providers are
to be found in the city’s parks, squares and tourist attractions, supplying you with beer anywhere anytime…
GLUTTONY
Botafumeiro Gran de Gràcia, 81 $$$$
This is by far one of Barcelona’s finest seafood restaurants. Much of the venue’s magnetism comes from its
impeccable taste and military efficiency. Menu items
are mostly fresh seafood, fish, crayfish, lobster, clams,
scallops, mussels, assortments of crustaceans, percebes
(Barnacles) and other delicates. The aged Jamón Serrano
is incredible. If you are a small party and don’t have a
reservation, it is a good idea to request a seat at the bar.
You’ll get quicker service and a good view of the kitchen.
ENVY
Walk
across
the
Marina
promenade
near
Ramble de Mar and take a
look at the yachts parked here,
they’ll make you jaw drop.
12
SNEAKING INTO LAOS WITH GOOGLE MAPS
KEVIN CHARTLEY
It is nearing 9pm, according to our digital cameras, and if we’re actually doing this, the time is nigh.
out after me. I point at the boat rope; he nods his
understanding. With our hobo sacks still wrapped
around our bodies we grab the line and start to
climb up the bank. We know from our Googlemapping a few days ago in Nong Khai that a road
runs some 5km inland from the river. Hit that and
bear right, catch a sawngthaew to Vientiane, bribe
an immigration official, and we’ll be golden again.
We got here, crouched beside the boulders on a sand bar
along the Mekong River in northern Thailand, thanks to
Google Maps. Arriving in Laos during lunchtime has
turned out to be the biggest mistake of our trip thus
far. The border guards were on break, so instead of
waiting for them to finish their lunch, we just walked
into the country without passport stamps. This turned
out to be a problem later on when we stumbled into
Thailand, and after a few failed bribes, found out that
the only way to progress on this Asian adventure was
to get our stamps from the lunching Laotian people.
Well, the easiest way to do that is to swim back into the
country via the narrowest point of the Mekong River.
But a whole new set of problems presents itself as we
crest the hill, muddy, soaking wet, and beginning to
feel the chill. We seem to be standing in the back of
a maize field. A long, low farmhouse is about 600m
ahead of us, in the direction of the road. The light on
the porch comes on and we hear shouting. A small child
and the man of the household come out. Travis and I
stop where we are, too far apart to speak to each other,
too scared to move. I slowly raise my head and glance
at the porch. The family members on the porch stop
talking and start listening. I don’t move for some time.
Our belongings are safely stowed in the garbage bags we
purchased two days back in Ban Muang, and we shiver
in the fading light in our boxer shorts. A handshake and
a head nod and we’re off. It’s difficult getting into the
water with this bulky garbage bag, though. A light across
the river keeps bobbing back and forth, meandering up
and down the river; a local doing some night fishing, I
presume. The current is stronger than expected, but at
least the water is warm for February. I swim on my left
side, right arm out of the water holding the bag playing out on the line behind me, which is also wrapped
around my body for good measure. I would rather not
lose everything I have in the world down the Mekong.
It’s at least 2km to the other side and I want to conserve
my energy, but I feel fine as I near what appears to be
the halfway point. I try to lift my head to catch sight
of my partner in crime but the darkness is too dense. I
don’t want to call out to him and risk the sound carrying.
It’s difficult to tell if I can risk a whisper at these distances, but I want to tell Travis that we should make a break
for it. My head snaps back at the sound of the door
slamming up on the porch. The guy
has
something
in
his
hands.
A
rifle.
I`m freezing cold, muddy and barely clothed, in Laos
with a garbage bag of stuff and a guy with a gun is
stalking me through the rows of corn. Not good.
I turn around; Travis is doing a good job of not
moving at all, but he doesn’t have a clue that there
is now a firearm in play. I do not want to get shot,
and especially not when I`m practically naked.
We run from the guy, empty our garbage bags, find the
road no problem and end up partying with two awesome
groups of Laotians – a bunch of old women and some
young kids breakdancing to Bryan Adams. We drank a
lot of BeerLao and ended up making it to Vientiane and
bribing our official with about two hundred US dollars.
So now we’re temporarily banned from Laos, but safe.
Suddenly I’m clawing my hand into mud. We’ve reached
the other side already. I stand up, trying to gain my bearings. We’re downstream of our intended landing point
and a steep bank rises ahead of us. Two wooden fishing boats sit tied up to my right, their mooring lines
snaking up the muddy embankment. Travis climbs
13
RECIPES
Santa’s Favorite Chocolate
and Coconut Shortbread
Maria Valdivieso
What-to-bake-if-you-have-no
friends-and-want-something-tobribe-people-into-hanging-outwith-you-brownies
Cory Woods
Listen, Santa’s really tired, When the last time you
saw Singapore and Nunvaut in the same evening?
NEVER. You’re dealing with a man who has.
Regularly. Chocolate Chip cookies are overrated
and frankly I’d rather eat donkey organs. Also, remember that ya boy Santa is a grown-ass man and
not a five year old, so leave him a bottle of JD.
brownies so good. heres recipe:
1/2 cup butter (or margine) melted
1 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 tspn vanilla
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup cocoa
1/2 tspn salt
1/4 tspn baking powder
1 bag of mini marshmallows
Ingredients:
200 g margarine
100 g dark brown sugar
100 g dehydrated coconut
beat all the wet ingredients, stir in dry.
150 g plain whole meal flour
bake the brownies at 350 for well, the
recipe says 25 minutes but undercooked
brownies rule so 20 minutes or less would
do, then put marshmallows on top ad put
them back in the oven till they’re all puffy
and gooey.
50 g of dat cocoa powdah
1. Preheat oven to 350 Fahrenheit
2. Melt margarine in a saucepan.
you can really get creative here, depending
on supplies/how hungry you are. drizzle
caramel, chocolate sauce.
3. Remove the pan and add sugar. Stir well.
4. Spoon mixture into two round 7-inch tins and
press down firmly with fork. Do not grease tins.
ohh mannnn crumbling a caramilk or reese
peanut butter cup on top would be ridiculousssss. you’d have to beat the friends off
you. change your cellphone number and
shit. mmmmmmmm fuck.
5. Bake for 20-25 minutes, checking at 20-minute
mark.
6. Remove from the oven. Leave for a few minutes,
and then cut into 8 pieces per tin. Leave to cool in
tin, then lift from container carefully. This shit’s patented, and if you mess with the recipe it’ll taste like
ass, so follow closely snitches. Happy Holidays.
14
POEMS
the guy from my sestina gets hit by a car
Patrick McGuire
can’t never get a kickflip right
why did i think i could keep
these new dunks clean?
Disaster Planning
George Pakozdi
sliding ten feet on my knees
over the warts of august asphalt,
blood shrieking in the sunlight
on the sand coloured fender of a lexus.
She says she’s just being ‘precautious’,
buying gold stocks and waiting for the collapse
of the global economy. But the late-night cell
phone calls ranting about the imminence
she gets out, checks my health,
imagines a neon green line making
mountains with my pulse.
brunette waterfall pouring out from
of peak oil and the electronic waste choking landfills
point to a deeper pattern of paranoia.
And since we’re already wearing SARS masks
in public and boiling our water
the back of her head. filled with that
condition where she stares at strangers
directly. her eyes are bluer than
cookie monster at a funeral.
maybe it wouldn’t be so bad
to buy a generator and some canned fruit
and curl up in a bunker with her, to crawl
down that oubliette and forget the disasters
Assertoric
John Estabillo
we both irrationally fear, the hurricanes and mudslides
we’re certain will converge on southern Ontario,
the inexorable slide of the planet
into a swollen and hemorrhaging sun.
Superior says nothing,
but asserts itself.
It is a blank, unfinished countenance,
a palm opened in unknown gesture.
A lake that knows it is ocean.
Surely it will outlive
tree, rock, height of land and unseen beast
to see the red apocalyptic sun
set and clot.
The sun crushed out and revelation over,
Superior will sit,
saltless and bloodless,
still mutely repeating.
We’ll insulate ourselves from the ghastliest
of potentialities, read back through stacks
of old newspapers and National Geographics
to stall and rewind the slow decay of time,
and endlessly relive the primordial years,
probing the hot, wet earth with our hands
while the purplish storm-clouds swell and contort,
seething with nervous energy.
15
Sparky Sez!
Michael Deforge
Blackfly
Jap Makkar
She lay spread out over the mud, hands sinking in the water, and she watched it looking back at her. The raft
spider, with legs that looked like strings in this light, body taught and perfect, was looking back at her, and it was
weightless on the water.
Her hair was blown out over her, black like a rainfall. And the thought came that she could not be perfect: her
body, bell-shaped and heavy, could not rest on the water. She remembered being washed in the morning and she
felt ashamed. She had thought, when she looked down, that her body was the meat parts she saw at the butcher
shop, hung, gathered on a spine.
How odd that this spider was unclean with no mother to clean it. And now that she had lain in the mud, would
she need to be cleaned again? Her mother was the one that wore white linen dresses that smelled like cedar. “Cedar for the moths, cedar for the smell.” She would not be let into the house until she was clean again. Her grandmother, who carried death on her face like a mask, would not care. Mother said grandmother was blind like a bull
and just as dumb. But grandmother was the one that had led her to the swamp. They had walked the thirty-minute way. She had thought grandmother could see then.
16
Things to do in Denver When You’re Not Dead
Marlon Frisby
1
You can try to avoid the fact that the only reason you got the internship is because your uncle is the editor of the
paper. Mixed results on that one.
2
You can get woken up in the middle of the night by your landlady. Her husband will have left to spend the night in
a hotel. She’ll ask you, Do you know if Christopher has been sleeping with other women? You’ll say, No, he isn’t.
He won’t have. As far as you know. She’ll insist, It’s OK! You can tell me!
3
You can have a dream where the Indonesian girl from your fiction writing class approaches you, naked, with bulging
blue veins, and informs you she has cancer. You can tell her about it when you wake up. You’ll omit the part about
her being naked.
4
You can flirt with the Walgreens girl every Saturday morning. She’ll teach you how to treat altitude headaches and
nosebleeds. You’ll tell her you’re from New York--you’re not from New York. Contemplate asking for her number.
Decide against it. The last time you see her she’ll remark, It must be yellow collar shirt day, indicating the shirts you
both wear. Until that moment it won’t have occurred to you what either of you were wearing.
5
You can get drunk with Ric Baca and Joe Murphy at a backyard barbeque. The three of you will invent an athletic
activity that requires you to have a drink in your off hand at all times. Your leg will cramp up after an hour and a
half of this game.
6
You can turn one night of drinking into a two week charlie horse.
7
You can ride the train to work and a CSU student will sit on your hand. She won’t move. You won’t move. She’ll
rock back and forth. You’ll feel the skin of her lower back against your wrist. She’ll get off at her stop and never
look back. She’ll never see your face.
8
You can ride the train to work and on the same ride as the CSU student who sits on your hand three 17 year olds
sit across from you and giggle at everything. They’ll nudge you, apologize, and giggle. They’ll make eye contact with
you, look away, and giggle. You’ll consider speaking, but you won’t. You’ll wish she didn’t look so young.
9
You can go to Chipotle so much the women behind the counter predict your orders.
10
You can practice soccer every night in a suburban basketball court. You’ll dribble around your cellphone and your
water bottle. You’ll send blazing shots into the fence.
11
You can walk past the art museum every day and never go in.
12
You can stay in the office until 10 p.m. on Monday nights. Finished with work. Waiting for your ride to get out of
city hall. You’ll look out the window and ponder the capitol building. Look down at the bus station and see a white
man chasing a black man. Look at the mountains and think, I’ll never go there. And you won’t.
17
Colouring Book Softcore
“Rein Dears” by Mallory Diaczun