ystals - Mr Gum

Issue 2
To subscribe to the Lamonical Chronicle go to
Lamonic Bibber’s Second Best, & Only, Newspaper
WWW.egmont.co.uk/mrgum
The
Lamonical
Chronicle
The Lamonical Chronicle
Lamonic Bibber’s Second Best, & Only, Newspaper
Billy William in fresh
meat scandal
»
accusations. ‘I’m shocked and disgusted by
Mrs Sutton’s accusations,’ Mr William told
reporters. ‘I would NEVER purposely sell fresh meat
to members of the public.’ Mr William said he was
the victim of a campaign being waged against him
by a rival butcher – Gary Rasher, from the nearby
town of Murkington. ‘Gary Rasher’s been after me
title of England’s Most Revolting Butcher for years,’
said Mr William angrily. ‘I reckon he’s tryin’ to make
me look bad by sneakin’ fresh meat onto me shelves.
But I promise you this,’ added Mr William, ‘he won’t
get away with it. When I get my hands on him I’m
gonna stuff his mouth so full of entrails he won’t be
able to talk!’ Gary Rasher was last night unavailable
for comment as his mouth was stuffed full of entrails.
Burgers tasted fine,
claims shopper
»
‘I’ve been framed,’ says
England’s Most Revolting Butcher
Manzilla Uprooster reports
High street butcher Billy William was at the centre
of a scandal yesterday, following the claim that a
bag of hamburgers bought from his shop were ‘fresh’
and ‘tasted quite nice.’ Carol Sutton (38) told reporters she regularly purchased out-of-date meat
from Mr William. ‘Billy’s burgers are absolutely disgusting,’ she said. ‘I use them to kill slugs and other
pests in my garden.’ But this time, Mrs Sutton noticed something was wrong. ‘The burgers weren’t
grey and furry like they usually are,’ she explained.
‘And when I opened the bag, I didn’t throw up from
the smell like I normally do.’ In fact the burgers
looked so fresh that Mrs Sutton had them herself for
Issue II
Butcher bother: Mr Wiliam in his shop
supper that night. ‘They were absolutely fine,’
she said. Speaking at a press conference yesterday
evening, Mr William told reporters he was
‘shocked’ and ‘disgusted’ by Mrs Sutton’s
Fly-licious:
Bily’s cow
hearts are
a right
royal treat
Controversy over plans to chop down cherry tree
»
Anger on both sides
as protesters go up
against businessmen
»
‘Tree is part of
our historical heritage’,
say locals
»
Mayor caught
in ‘ecological and
political nightmare’
georgina (age 5) reports
theres this big chery tree in the park
an its gonna be cut down by the bad
men with hats on an i dont wan it to
be cut down an its a nice one what’s
probbly about 4 milion yers old an its
got a nice trunks an i like it an if they
cut it down its not fair but my mum
says there gonn cut it down anyway
an i hate them but my mums name is
judith an shes got a nice dress an she
makes me largh an when im scared she
says dont wory about it georgina an i
can spell my own name an i never even
get it rong only sumtimes but hardly
To read Page 40 – SEE BACK PAGE
my dads name it is ken becos he is
my dad.
ever but also my best frends name is
misha but i mite have spelleded that a
bit rong becos i dont no how to do that
one not so good but I am quite good at
drawing i done a pitur of my dad he
is blowing out the candels on his cake
cos it is his birtday he is ever so old my
dads name it is ken but misha says she
can jump higher than me but she is
lyin becos i can do much better jumps
misha is nice but she is a bit of a not
very true sumtimes an i can walk to
school with her becos we live on the
same road an she is nice but i can jump
a lot much higher than her an beesides
she is only 4 an i am much older i am 5.
To read Page 40 – SEE BACK PAGE
2
The Lamonical Chronicle
‘Bag of
Sticks’
scoops four
ALBTAs at
ceremony
»
Crispy given Lifetime
Achievement Award
»
‘Turkey on the Job’
wins Best Sitcom
By our Entertainment Correspondent,
Jennifer Shrib
come with one hope and one hope only:
to win an award and sell it on eBay the
next morning. Introducing the awards,
Mayor David Casserole said it had been ‘a
wonderful year for TV, with more quality
programmes than we have ever seen before.’ ‘Just shut up and tell us who’s won,’
yelled someone in the crowd, and then it
was down to business. To no one’s surprise,
the award for Best Sitcom went to ‘Turkey on the Job’. ‘The Margarine Affair’
took the prize for Best Original Drama,
and as usual ‘Funtime With Crispy’ won
the Best Children’s Programme category.
But the evening’s real winner was ‘Bag of
Sticks’, which scooped four prizes: Best
Programme Featuring A Bag of Sticks;
Best Programme Where Nothing Much
Happens; Most Unpopular Programme;
and Best Programme to Avoid. ‘I’m absolutely delighted,’ said Ronald Spears, the
show’s creator, as he accepted the award
for Most Unpopular Programme. ‘Thank
you all so much for this wonderful honour.’ Crispy from ‘Funtime With Crispy’
was given an award for Lifetime Achievement, but unfortunately he couldn’t be
present to accept it as he is a cartoon
character and doesn’t really exist properly.
HOROSCOPES – WHAT
DOES YOUR FUTURE HOLD?
With Old Granny and her cheap crystal
ball from the charity shop.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The influence of the New Moon on Wednesday will put
you in a calm, relaxed and friendly mood. Unfortunately
the influence of Saturn on Thursday will completely
wipe this out and you’ll spend the rest of the week with
a pounding headache, shouting at everyone you know.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Today will be a lot like yesterday and tomorrow will be
pretty much the same. If you’re looking forward to an
exciting weekend, forget it. Nothing special’s going to
happen.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
They say that every Gemini has a split personality, no,
they don’t! Yes, they do! Don’t talk rubbish! I’m not talking rubbish, you are! Shut up! No, you shut up! You’re not
coming to my party! I don’t even want to come to your
stupid party anyway!
Cancer June 21 – July 22
You will find a doughnut on the street today or
possibly a kiwi fruit, I’m not sure. This crystal ball
was pretty cheap, it doesn’t really work all that well.
Leo July 23 – August 22
The postman will bring an exciting letter from an old friend
today, Leo! And it could lead to a fabulous romance and a
whole new life in Australia! The milkman, on the other hand,
will bring two pints of milk and a small carton of yogurt.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
You will meet a man called Dodgy Ron at the aquarium
today. Dodgy Ron will try and sell you a wristwatch. DO
NOT BE TEMPTED, VIRGO! Why do you think he’s
called Dodgy Ron?
Libra September 23 – October 22
Absolutely no idea, sorry.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Today will be a day full of surprises. The person
you thought was your best friend will turn out to
be your worst enemy. The person you thought was
your worst enemy will turn out to be your cat. The
person you thought was your cat will turn out to be your
maths teacher. No wonder he never ate his cat food.
Hated by many: ‘Bag of Sticks’
It was a glittering night of stars last night
at the 9th Annual Lamonic Bibber Television Awards (ALBTAs). Not stars like
the ones in the sky, well there were some
of those too because it was night time.
But I mean the other type of stars: TV
stars. Everywhere you looked there were
famous faces. Some of the faces were new,
some were old, some were beautiful and
some were fat and saggy like great horrid
toads. But each of those faces belonged
to a TV star, and each of those stars had
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Money problems are bringing you down, Sagittarius.
But cheer up – today you’re going to hurt your leg really,
really badly in an accident at work and then your money
problems won’t seem at all important!
‘Bag of Sticks’: Mr Gum never misses
an episode
QUESTION OF THE DAY:
Would you rather have
chops for feet or sausages
for fingers?
Answers on postcards will be ignored.
Y o u c a n w a t c h ‘ Ba g o f S t i c k s ’ a t :
www.egmont.co.uk/mrgum/bagofsticks.asp
Capricorn December 22 - Januray 19
With the moon rising in Sagittarius and Mercury’s influence looming large in the third house of Libra, I have no
idea what I’m talking about.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Probably best to just stay in bed today, Aquarius. Trust
me. Just stay in bed.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Pisceans are often called ‘the Zodiac’s biggest liars’, so is it
really any wonder that none of your friends trust you any
more? Some famous Capricorns include: Sir Henry Fibber, Jennifer X. Aggerator and Dodgy Ron.
39
39
The
Lamonical Chronicle
The
Chronicle
The Lamonical
Lamonical Chronicle
Letters
Letters to
to
the
the Editor
Editor
Dear Editor
Dear
Dear Editor
Editor
I read every single issue of the
II read
single
of
read every
everyChronicle
single issue
issue
of Ithe
the
Lamonical
and
am
Lamonical
Chronicle
and
II am
Lamonical
Chronicle
and
am
always very offended by something
always
very
offended
by
something
always
very
offended
by
something
or other that appears in its pages.
or
other
appears
in its
pages.
or
other that
that
appears
itslast
pages.
However,
having
readinthe
isHowever,
having
read
the
last
isHowever,
having
read
the
last
issue from cover to cover, I can find
sue
from
cover
to
cover,
II can
find
sue
from
cover
to
cover,
can
find
nothing to be very offended by. I
nothing
to
by.
nothing
to be
be very
verybyoffended
offended
by. II
am very offended
this. Please
am
very
offended
by
this.
Please
am
offended by this. Please
sortvery
it out.
sort
sort it
it out.
out.
Yours sincerely
Yours
sincerely
Yours
sincerely
Mark Pilkington
Mark
Pilkington
Mark
Pilkington
9a Chestnut Drive
9a
9a Chestnut
Chestnut Drive
Drive
Dear Editor
Dear
Dear Editor
Editor
my dads name it is Ken an i drawdmy
dads name
it
an
ii drawdmy
it is
isit Ken
Ken
angood.
drawded adads
piturname
of him
is quit
ed
a
pitur
of
him
it
is
quit
good.
ed a pitur of him it is quit good.
Love from
Love
from
Love
from
Georgina
Georgina
Georgina
Age 5
Age
Age 5
5
Dear Editor
Dear
Dear Editor
Editor
I will be very offended by someII will
very
offended
by
somewill be
be
very
offended
by next
something
that
appears
in the
thing
that
appears
in
the
next
thing
that
appears
in
the
next
issue of the Lamonical Chronicle,
issue
of
Lamonical
Chronicle,
issue
of the
the
Lamonical
Chronicle,
possibly
in the
Sports section.
possibly
in
the
Sports
section.
possibly
in
the
Sports
section.
Please sort it out.
Please
Please sort
sort it
it out.
out.
Yours sincerely
Yours
sincerely
Yours
sincerely
Mark Pilkington
Mark
Pilkington
Mark
Pilkington
9a Chestnut Drive
9a
9a Chestnut
Chestnut Drive
Drive
Dear Editor
Dear
Dear Editor
Editor
The other day I phoned the fire
Dear Editor
The
other
day II phoned
the
fire
The
other
thean
fire
Dear
Dear Editor
Editor
brigade
andday
theyphoned
took over
brigade
and
they
took
over
an
brigade
theytotook
over
I’m going to kill Brian Cufflinks!
hour andand
a half
reach
me.anThat
I’m
going to
kill
Brian
Cufflinks!
hour
and
aa half
to
reach
me.
I’m
killhoo!
Brian
Cufflinks!
hour
and
half
to
reach
me. That
That
Hoogoing
hoo! to
Hoo
SHRIEK!
is far too long to wait! Imagine
Hoo
is
far
too
long
to
wait!
Imagine
Hoo hoo!
hoo! Hoo
Hoo hoo!
hoo! SHRIEK!
SHRIEK!
is
far
too
long
to
wait!
Imagine
if there had actually been a fire,
if
there
actually
been aa fire,
if
there had
had
actually
fire,
Yours sincerely
someone
could
have been
been hurt.
Yours
sincerely
someone
could
have
been
hurt.
Yours
sincerely
someone
could
have
been
hurt.
Alexander The
Dead
Monkey
The
Lamonical
Chronicle
Alexander
The
Dead
Monkey
Alexander
TheThe
Dead
Monkey
Hiding Under
Bed
Yours sincerely
Hiding
Under
Bed
Yours
sincerely
Hiding
Under The
The
Bed
Yours
sincerely
Brian Cufflinks’
House
Friday
O’Leary
Dear
Editor
Brian
Cufflinks’
House
Friday
O’Leary
Brian Cufflinks’ House
Friday
Secret O’Leary
Cottage In The Woods
Secret
Secret
Cottage
InisThe
The
Woods
my
dadsCottage
name itIn
KenWoods
an i drawded a pitur of him it is quit good.
Dear Editor
Dear
Dear Editor
Editor
We are growing increasingly conWe
are
growing
increasingly
conWe
are about
growing
increasingly
concerned
people
calling up
the
cerned
about
people
calling
up
the
cerned
about
people
calling
up
the
fire brigade when there isn’t a fire.
fire
brigade
when
there
isn’t
a
fire.
fire
brigade
when
there
isn’t
a
fire.
Please could you tell your readers
Please
could you
readers
Please
you tell
tell your
yourbehavreaders
to stopcould
this irresponsible
to
stop
this
irresponsible
behavto
stop
this
irresponsible
behaviour. The only times you should
iour.
The
only
times
you
iour.
Thefire
only
timesare
youif should
should
call the
brigade
there’s
call
the
fire
brigade
are
if
there’s
call
the
fire
brigade
are
if
there’s up
actually a fire, if a cat is trapped
actually
a
fire,
if
a
cat
is
trapped
actually
if a catis istrapped
trappedbyup
up
a tree or aiffire,
someone
aa tree
or
if
someone
is
trapped
by
tree
or
if
someone
is
trapped
by
sunflowers.
sunflowers.
sunflowers.
Yours sincerely
Yours
sincerely
Yours
sincerely
The Editor
The
Editor
The
Editor
The Lamonical Chronicle
The
The Lamonical
Lamonical Chronicle
Chronicle
Yours sincerely
Yours
sincerely
Yours
Chief sincerely
Fireman Dave Ziemann
Chief
Fireman
Dave Ziemann
Chief
Fireman
Lamonic
BibberDave
Fire Ziemann
Brigade
Lamonic
Bibber
Lamonic Bibber Fire
Fire Brigade
Brigade
Yours sincerely
Yours
sincerely
Yours
sincerely
The Editor
The
Editor
The
Editor
The Lamonical Chronicle
The
The Lamonical
Lamonical Chronicle
Chronicle
Dear Editor
Dear
Dear Editor
Editor
Or if you’ve got some nice biscuits
Or
if you’ve
got some
Or
you’ve
some nice
nice biscuits
biscuits
youifwant
to got
share.
you
you want
want to
to share.
share.
Dear Editor
Dear
Dear Editor
Editor
Awww, that’s nice. Do you really
Awww,
that’s nice. Do you really
Awww,
mean it?that’s nice. Do you really
mean
mean it?
it?
Yours sincerely
Yours
sincerely
Yours
Chief sincerely
Fireman Dave Ziemann
Chief
Fireman
Dave Ziemann
Chief
Fireman
Lamonic
BibberDave
Fire Ziemann
Brigade
Lamonic
Bibber
Lamonic Bibber Fire
Fire Brigade
Brigade
Yours sincerely
Yours
sincerely
Yours
sincerely
The Editor
The
Editor
The
Editor
The Lamonical Chronicle
The
The Lamonical
Lamonical Chronicle
Chronicle
Dear Editor
Dear
Dear Editor
Editor
Dear Editor
Dear
Dear Editor
Editor
Please don’t resign. You’re doing
Please
don’t resign.
You’re doing
Please
resign.
a great don’t
job, don’t
go!You’re
We alldoing
love
aa great
job,
don’t
go!
love
great
job,
go! We
We all
allChronilove
you
here
at don’t
the Lamonical
you
here
at
the
Lamonical
Chroniyou
here
at
the
Lamonical
Chronicle, it just wouldn’t be the same if
cle,
it just
cle,
just wouldn’t
wouldn’t be
be the
the same
same if
if
you it
left.
you
left.
you left.
Dead monkey
comes
comes back
back to
to life
life
to
to haunt
haunt zookeeper
zookeeper
Babies
Babies get
get bigger,
bigger,
says
says top
top scientist
scientist
Dear Editor
Dear
Dear Editor
Editor
Crazy Barry Fungus
Crazy
Barry
Fungus
Crazy
Barry
Fungus
A Silver
Birdcage
A
Silver
Birdcage
A
Silver
Birdcage
Down By The Railway Tracks
Down
Down By
By The
The Railway
Railway Tracks
Tracks
Dear Editor
Dear
Dear Editor
Editor
That’s it - I quit.
That’s
That’s it
it -- II quit.
quit.
Yours sincerely
Yours
sincerely
Yours
sincerely
The ex-Editor
The
ex-Editor
The
ex-Editor
The Lamonical Chronicle
The
The Lamonical
Lamonical Chronicle
Chronicle
Dear Editor
OK, you’ve convinced me. I’ll stay.
But if I get one more stupid letter
from a weirdo, I’m out of here.
Printing errors at the Lamonical
Printing
errors
at
the
Lamonical
Printing
errors
at
the
Lamonical
Chronicle are
are down
down by
by nearly
nearly 90%,
90%,
Chronicle
Chronicle
are
down
by
nearly
90%,
said
the
newspaper’s
owner,
Krinkel
said the
the newspaper’s
newspaper’s owner,
owner, Krinkel
Krinkel
said
Turtlebatter, today. ‘When I took over
Turtlebatter,
today.
‘When
I
took
over
Turtlebatter,
today.
‘When
I
took
over
this newspaper two years ago, it
it was
was
this
newspaper
two
years
ago,
this
newspaper
two
years
ago,
it was
full of
of mistakes,’
mistakes,’ said
said Mr
Mr TurtlebatTurtlebatfull
full
of
mistakes,’
said
Mr
Turtlebatter.
‘Words
were
missing,
sentences
ter. ‘Words
‘Words were
were missing,
missing, sentences
sentences
ter.
were printed over each other – it was
were
printed
over
each
other
it
was
were
printed
over
each
other
–– it
was
a disaster.’ But now, he said, the papadisaster.’
But
now,
he
said,
the
aa disaster.’
But
now,
he
said,
the
paper was
was looking
looking better
better than
than ever.
ever. ‘The
‘The
per
per
was
looking
better
than
ever.
‘The
Lamonical
Chronicle
can
hold
its
Lamonical Chronicle
Chronicle can
can hold
hold its
its
Lamonical
head up high as one of the most prohead
up
high
as
one
of
the
most
prohead
up
high
as
one
of
the
most
professionally produced newspapers in
in the
the
fessionally
produced
newspapers
fessionally
produced
newspapers
in the
country,
he
said
proudly.
country,
he
said
proudly.
country,
he
said
proudly.
Letters to
the Editor
Dead
monkey
Yours sincerely
Yours
sincerely
Yours
sincerely
The Editor
The
Editor
The
Editor
The Lamonical Chronicle
The
The Lamonical
Lamonical Chronicle
Chronicle
Tweet tweet tweet! I’m a lovely
Tweet
tweet
I’m aa lovely
Tweet
tweet tweet!
tweet!
lovely
little chaffinch!
CanI’m
I have
some
little
chaffinch!
Can
II have
some
little
chaffinch!
Can
have
some
birdseed please?
birdseed
birdseed please?
please?
Dear Editor
Dear Editor
Dear
Dear
Dear Editor
Editor
Dear Editor
Editor
I’m completely sick and tired of
Yes, seriously. Please stay, the place
I’m
completely
sick
tired
of
Yes,
seriously.
Please
stay,
the
I’m
completely
sick and
andall
tired
of
Yes,
seriously.
Please
stay,you.
the place
place
having
to read through
these
would
fall apart
without
having
to
read
through
all
these
would
fall
apart
without
you.
having
to
read
through
all
these
would
fall
apart
without
you.
stupid letters from idiots, morons
stupid
letters
morons
stupid
letters from
from idiots,
idiots,
morons
and
I’ve had
Yours sincerely
Deargeneral
Editorweirdos.
and
general
weirdos.
I’ve
had
Yours
sincerely
and
general
weirdos.
I’ve
had
Yours
sincerely
enough of it. I resign.
The Editor
enough
of
The
Editor
enough
of it.
it. II resign.
resign.
The
Editor
We
are growing
increasingly conThe Lamonical Chronicle
The Lamonical
Lamonical Chronicle
Chronicle
cerned about people calling up the The
fire brigade when there isn’t a fire.
bloodthirsty
me
day and
Pleaseshrieking
could you tellhaunts
your readers
Love from
bloodthirsty
shrieking
haunts
me
bloodthirsty
shrieking
haunts
me day
day
and
Dearand
Editor
to stop
this irresponsible
behavGeorgina
night,’
Mr
Cufflinks
laughed.
‘It’s
great
fun!’
night,’
Cufflinks
laughed.
‘It’s
fun!’
night,’ Mr
Mr
Cufflinks
laughed.
‘It’s great
great
fun!’
iour.
The only times
you should
Age 5
Please
don’t resign. You’re doing
Dear Editor
call the fire brigade are if there’s
a great job, don’t go! We all love
actually a fire, if a cat is trapped up you here at the Lamonical ChroniI read every single issue of the
a tree or if someone is trapped by
Dear Editor
cle, it just wouldn’t be the same if
Lamonical Chronicle and I am
sunflowers.
you left.
always very offended by something I will be very offended by someor other that appears in its pages.
thing that appears in the next
Yours sincerely
Yours sincerely
However, having read the last isissue of the Lamonical Chronicle,
Chief Fireman Dave Ziemann
The Editor
A
dead
monkey
called
Alexander
has
resue dead
from cover
to cover,called
I can findAlexander
possibly in has
the Sports
section.
A
monkey
reA
dead
monkey
called
Alexander
has
reLamonic Bibber Fire Brigade
The Lamonical Chronicle
nothing tofrom
be verythe
offended
by. I to haunt
Please sort
it out.
turned
grave
the
man
Babies
get
bigger
and
bigger
as
time
goes
on,
turned
from
the
grave
to
haunt
the
man
Babies
turned
from by
the
am very offended
this.grave
Please to haunt the man
Babies get
get bigger
bigger and
and bigger
bigger as
as time
time goes
goes on,
on,
responsible
for
his
death
–
head
zookeeper,
according
to
research
carried
out
by
a
leadsort
it
out.
Yours sincerely
responsible
zookeeper,
according
to
research
aa leadresponsible for
for his
his death
death –
– head
head
zookeeper,
according
to Editor
research carried
carried out
out by
by Dear
leadDear
Editor
Mark last
Pilkington
Brian
Cufflinks.
Alexander
died
August
ing
scientist.
Speaking
at
an
international
Brian
Cufflinks.
Alexander
died
last
August
ing
Speaking
international
Brian
Cufflinks. Alexander died
last August
Yours sincerely
ing scientist.
scientist.
Speaking
atnicean
anbiscuits
international
Or if you’ve
got someat
9a Chestnut
Drive
Awww, that’s nice. Do you really
when
Mr
Cufflinks
accidentally
stepped
on
science
conference
yesterday,
Professor
John
Mark
Pilkington
you
want
to
share.
mean
it?
when
Mr
Cufflinks
accidentally
stepped
on
science
conference
yesterday,
Professor
John
when Mr Cufflinks accidentally stepped on
science
conference
yesterday,
Professor
John
9a Chestnut
Drive
him
and
now
it
seems
the
monkey
wants
Harpsichord
said
he
had
been
measuring
him
monkey
wants
Harpsichord
said
him and
and now
now it
it seems
seems the
the Dear
monkey
Harpsichord
said he
he had
had been
been measuring
measuring
Yours sincerely
Editor wants
Yours sincerely
to
get
his
own
back.
‘He
follows
me
around
babies
with
a
ruler
for
over
forty
years.
‘At
to
get
his
own
back.
‘He
follows
me
around
Chief
Fireman
Dave
Ziemann
The Editor
babies
with
a
ruler
for
over
forty
years.
‘At
to get his own back. ‘He follows
me day
around
babies
with
a
ruler
for
over
forty
years.
‘At
The
other
I
phoned
the
fire
Dear Editor
everywhere,’
Mr
Cufflinks
(43)
told
reportLamonic
Bibber
Fire
Brigade
The
Lamonical
Chronicle
first
the
babies
are
quite
small,
only
a
few
everywhere,’ Mr
Mr Cufflinks
Cufflinks (43)
(43)
told
reportbrigade
andreportthey took overfirst
an the
everywhere,’
told
first
the babies
babies are
are quite
quite small,
small, only
only aa few
few
I’m going
to usually
kill Brian Cufflinks!
ers.
‘He’s
got
a knife hour
andand
he
inches
ascreams
half to reach me.
That or so,’ said Professor Harpsichord.
ers.
‘He’s
usually
got
he
screams
inches
ers.
‘He’sHoo
usually
got aa knife
knife isand
and
helong
screams
inches or
or so,’
so,’ said
said Professor
Professor Harpsichord.
Harpsichord.
Hoo hoo!
hoo! SHRIEK!
far
too
to
wait!
Imagine
“revenge!”
or
“I’m
going
to
murder
you,
Dear
Editor
DearbigEditor
‘But
as
time
goes
by
they
seem
to get
“revenge!”
murder
you,
if there
had actually
fire, as
“revenge!” or
or “I’m
“I’m going
going to
to
murder
you,been a‘But
‘But
as time
time goes
goes by
by they
they seem
seem to
to get
get bigbigBrian!”
Alexander
appears
in
the
zooYours sincerely
years,
some
of
are
completely
and tired
of babies
someone
have been ger.
hurt. After
Yes, seriously.
Brian!”
Alexander also
also
in
the
ger.
AfterI’mforty
forty
years,sick
some
of the
the
babies
are Please stay, the place
Brian!”
also appears
appears
in could
the zoozooger.
After
forty
years,
some
of
the
babies
are
Alexander Alexander
The Dead Monkey
having
to
read
through
all
these
would
fall apart without you.
keeper’s
dreams,
screaming
for
vengeance
as
big as
me,
or
even larger.
And
they can
keeper’s
dreams,
for
vengeance
Hiding Under
The Bed screaming
as
me,
or
And
keeper’s
dreams,
screaming Yours
for sincerely
vengeance
from larger.
idiots, morons
as big
big as
as stupid
me, letters
or even
even
larger.
And they
they can
can
and
baring House
his sharp
yellow
Brian Cufflinks’
also
and
drive
cars
he
added.
I’ve had
Fridayteeth.
O’Leary ‘His
sincerely
and
teeth.
‘His
also talk
talk and
andgeneral
driveweirdos.
cars somehow,’
somehow,’
he Yours
added.
and baring
baring his
his sharp
sharp yellow
yellow
teeth.
‘His
also
talk
and
drive
cars
somehow,’
he
added.
enough of it. I resign.
Secret Cottage In The Woods
The Editor
The Lamonical Chronicle
39
OK, you’ve convinced me. I’ll stay.
OK,
you’ve convinced
me.
stay.
OK,
convinced
me. I’ll
I’ll
stay.
But ifyou’ve
I get one
more stupid
letter
But
if
II get
one
more
stupid
letter
But
if
get
one
more
stupid
letter
from a weirdo, I’m out of here.
from
from aa weirdo,
weirdo, I’m
I’m out
out of
of here.
here.
Yours sincerely
The Editor
The Lamonical Chronicle
Dear Editor
Tweet tweet tweet! I’m a lovely
little chaffinch! Can I have some
birdseed please?
Crazy Barry Fungus
A Silver Birdcage
Down By The Railway Tracks
Dear Editor
That’s it - I quit.
Printing errors
errors
Printing
down by
by 90%
90%
down
Yours sincerely
The ex-Editor
The Lamonical Chronicle
Visit
Gum
website
to
subscribe
to
Visit the
the Mr
Mr
Gum
website
to
subscribe
to
bloodthirsty shrieking haunts me day and
Dead monkey
night,’ Mr Cufflinks laughed. ‘It’s great fun!’
further
further issues
issues of
of
We’ve back
got a Bag
Sticks boxset to watch so we are leaving this bit blank.
comes
to of
life
The Lamonical Chronicle
Turtlebatter, today. ‘When I took over
this newspaper two years ago, it was
full of mistakes,’ said Mr Turtlebatter. ‘Words were missing, sentences
were printed over each other – it was
a disaster.’ But now, he said, the paper was looking better than ever. ‘The
Lamonical Chronicle can hold its
head up high as one of the most professionally produced newspapers in the
country,
he
said
proudly.
www.egmont.co.uk/mrgum
Babies get bigger,
to haunt zookeeper
says top scientist
A dead monkey called Alexander has re-
Text © Andy
Stanton
2007
Illustration
Text copyright
© Andy
Stanton
2014
Illustationcopyright
copyright©©David
DavidTazzyman
Tazzyman2007
2014
Text
Andy
2007
copyright
©
2007
turned
the
grave
to haunt
the
manTazzyman
Text ©
©from
Andy Stanton
Stanton
2007 Illustration
Illustration
copyright
© David
David
Tazzyman
2007 get bigger and bigger as time goes on,
Babies
responsible for his death – head zookeeper,
according to research carried out by a lead-
40
The Lamonical Chronicle
Sports
Shoebox
through
Toddler ‘won
Olympicto
gold
when
no
one
was
looking’
tennis final
A
report
from our sports
Byspecial
our Sports
Correspondent,
correspondent,
Jim Jupiter
Jim Jupiter
The
world
sportever
was inthrown
For the
firstof time
the
into
chaos
yesterday
following
the
tournament’s history, a shoebox
astonishing
claim
that
the
real
winner
has made it into the final of the
of
the 100 metres
sprint at this
year’s
Lamonic
Bibber
Tennis
Olympic Games was a two-year-old
Competition To See Who’s The
boy from Lamonic Bibber. Stuart
Best At Tennis. In an exciting
Stephenson and his wife, Lynne, said
semi-final which lasted almost
they had travelled to Beijing to watch
four games,
hours, taking
the green
the
with cardboard
them their
shoebox
beat But
hotly
young
son, Darren.
as theytipped
settled
favourite
Friday
O’Leary
by
three
into their seats for the 100 metres
sets tothey
two.noticed
O’Leary
started
well,
final
that
the toddler
easily
taking
the‘Wefirst
set.allBut
had
gone
missing.
looked
over
the stadium but we couldn’t find him,’
said Mr Stephenson. ‘Then we looked
down, and he was right there on the
racetrack, alongside the best athletes
in the world!’ A moment later, the
starter fired the pistol and the runners
set off. The crowd roared as Usain Bolt
of Jamaica took the gold – ‘but what no
one noticed was our Darren,’ said Mrs
Stephenson. ‘He was crawling along
the edge of the track after an empty
hamburger wrapper, and he crossed
the finish line way ahead of the others.’
In winning the race, Usain Bolt set
an incredible new World Record of
9.69 seconds. But the Stephensons
claim that Darren finished in just 9.24
seconds – nearly half a second faster
than the Jamaican runner. ‘Our boy
in a nail-biting climax it was the
won that race fair and square,’ Mrs
shoebox who triumphed. ‘I’m
Stephenson told reporters. ‘He’s the
disappointed
to have
lost,’ O’Leary
one
who deserves
the medal,
not that
said
afterwards,
‘but
there’s
cheater, Bolt.’ So far, the Olympic
no doubt have
about
it, the
shoebox
Authorities
refused
to comment.
just played
better
me today.’
However,
Usain
Boltthan
last night
issued
shoebox
willhe now
go
a The
statement
in which
called Mr
through
to Saturday’s
final ofwhere
and
Mrs Stephenson
‘a couple
crazy
it
faces
the
defending
lying weirdoes. They’ll never get my
champion,
a big
gold
medal,’ he
said. red
‘I’ve stapler.
already
eaten it.’
Final score: Shoebox beat
O’Leary (2-6, 6-4,7-5, 5-7, 6-4)
the shoebox recovered to win
the second set 6-4 and went on
take the lead in the third set,
leaving O’Leary with an uphill
battle just to stay in the match.
During the thrilling fourth set,
the crowd cheered O’Leary every
inch of the way as he mounted his
comeback, and soon it was all level
at two sets each. ‘Come on!’ shouted a voice in the crowd as O’Leary
served to begin the fifth and
final set. ‘It’s only a shoebox!’ But
O’Leary looked tired. His opponent
was always one step ahead, and
Half – eaten gold medal:
delicious but not remotely nutritious
Friday O’Leary: Not as good
as a shoebox
WIN
a
trip
to
Tokyo
‘MR GUM
AND
THEneighbourhood!
POWER CRYSTALS’
for your
entire
*
Oi, Trouserface!
ADVERTISEMENT
Yes, it’s true, it’s the book you’ve all been waiting
for,really.
unless you haven’t.
*Not
And look out, kids, it’s a bit of a spooky one!
O O H ! time at the
OIt’s
O O Ocompetition
looking
Lamonical Chronicle:You
2:30pm!
H!
S!
YEEEEEEEK
Mr Gum
UN
To be in with a chance of winning, just go to the competition page
at www.egmont.co.uk/mrgum
and answer the question below,
w
o
o
o
o
o
f
!
even a tungler like you can do it!
curse!
And an ancient100%
official card game.
aWhat
n d Ja
k ethey
t he have
d o ginstead
do
of milk in Tokyo?
!
A) A boring kind of face cream
4_VQNf=½:RN_fV`N
RN_`\YQ
d\[QR_SbY\YQSRYY\d
`[V[Rf
>\YYfV `]\[VR`
T
R
dVaU
V[
[\aNVY6RV`
VX
d
Y
Q_N
AUR
Ta_RR` cR_UR_
ZN__VRQa\;_`:\cRY
V[
O
Z
YV
f
\
P
YY
\
RN_a`N
N[QUR½`T\aN`RP_Ra
YVaaYRU RdVaUNOV_ :NZ\[VP
\YR`a P\YYRPaV\[\S
N`
S
\
P
P
\
VY
R
[
P
ZN[T\R`
]R[
a\d
RV`aU
V[TaUR
ZAU
dUVPUURaUV[X``URQ
m
N[Q`Nc _\Z;_5b
\R`[½a
��
X[\dNO\ba0ba`URQ\R
VOOR_S ba
r
0
`
�
N[
PU\
Na
d
Z
`\
SSf
P_b R
V[
N
`
Y
`
Y
V
V
P
f(
BU V`T_N \_`ac VP
[\a
:\fNYa
[
Q
UR½` U\d
V`N `aURd :NZ\ RYa Q
6NV_V[R``(
UR[
R
V
S
:\fNYaf(
6R \d[\ cR_`Z [\T\\ 3cR[d N`XZ 6NV_V[R``(
!
½a
R
&
aURa R_UN` `b]a\ dYV[T TQ\[
#
a\_(
NP
4
\
O
X
[
f
[
AaV
0VO `NYdN Nf``P P\dYV
7[aRYYVTR[PR(
V `NYd aVYY`
R
(
6 RV
AaV[X4NPa\_(
VTR[PR
R½``
U
(7[aRYY
N[Q YV[TU NYaf
'
``(
d
R
:\f
1_NgV[R
`P\ a½`a_b
V
ERVT
Oba
at these
new book
jackets?
T h e re ’ s a w e i rd
old windmil l in it!
That means that you might be able to win some prizes or,
at the very least, waste some of your precious time trying
to win some prizes!
And
Yousom
can’t
really
win
e pow
er cry
stalas! trip to Tokyo, but you really can win
a set of signed Mr Gum books!!!
And three runners up will receive a pack of the
AAAAAA
�riday
o��eary
y
�oll
•Plus there’s Polly
•and Mr Gum
look
y
m
e
ia
ill
W
h
y
ill
B
T
nd
•a
•and Old Granny
t h ey
•and Friday O’Leary
TH A T
me
m ak e
•and Mrs Lo vely
.
•and Barcelona Jim
Jim?
•Who’s Barcelona
e book to find out!
th
ad
re
to
e
av
h
’ll
•You
e
c
i
n
o
s
_(RVTUa(
Pa\E
X4N
AaV[ '
``(
_V[R
6NV #
&
!
``(
gV[R
1_N #
%
R(
R[P
YYVT
7[aR %
TUa(
ERV
16
KV10
rd
Ca
ndd
W.i
_A
me
Ga
5
1_NgV[R``(
feel
!’
sCircy sk
tals
!
55
:16:
8 11
18/7/0
2
8
KV1016_M
6:4
.indd r Gum_Card Gam
e_AW
11:1e_AW.indd 7
/08
18/7
d Gam
_Car
um
_Mr G
Ua(
18/7/08 11:16:51
r
ou
e
y
r
w
a
Po op ne
e
h
h
t
8
nd a books
0
a
0
m
2
Gu ming to
b
r
e
F
‘M – co
_
um
rG
6_M
101
KV
B) An interesting kind of Frisbee
Special offer! Mention you saw this advert in the
C) Special milk-flavoured gas delivered through
your letterbox by electronic milkmen
Lamonical Chronicle and get a free puzzled look from the bookseller!