Eating The Liquid Soap Is Strictly Prohibited

The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
Eating The Liquid
Soap Is Strictly
Prohibited
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
Teasing The
Hippies Is Strictly
Prohibited
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
There’s No Such Thing
As A Bad Tank
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
Teasing The Hippos Is
Strictly Prohibited
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
This Ain’t No Way To
Polka
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You To
Please Use
The Other Door
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
This Is Not The Same
Notice That Used To be
Here
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
404: Notice Not Found
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
Ebola really sucks.
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
Sasquatch probably doesn’t exist.
It’s very unlikely, when you weigh up the evidence. I mean, those North American forests
there are pretty big, but then to sustain a population of very large apesque creatures,
there’d need to be a lot of them. Over the many years people have been living there
you’d think there’d be some kind of concrete evidence, bones at least.
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
‘Si’ looks a bit like this. I know you don’t need reminding, everyone knows ‘Si’,
right? The entirety of Brighton is very familiar with ‘Si’, must be, because
otherwise whomever decided to scrawl ‘Si’ and an arrow on this sign would
have to be an ignorant cretin with the manners of a retarded goat, and we’d
hate to think that such a tremendous arsehole would drink here.
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You
Namibia!
Sure, it’s got a lot of problems, a
15% AIDS Positive population, and
55% of the population below the
poverty line, but lets be fair, it’s
been ages since there was any
genocide going on, it’s got loads of
beach and loads of happy women
who wear odd shaped hats!
What could go wrong?!
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
The Face On Mars Is A Trick Of The Light
C’mon, honestly, if there were a super-advanced ancient species that once lived on mars and
constructed a twenty mile tall, two hundred mile long face, you’d have thought they’d have the
technology to do a better job than this, eh?
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You Of
Girls ‘n’ Guns
Cheap, yeah, tacky, yeah, but still somehow sublime.
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
There’s a reason Sex and Violence is popular:
It’s a lot more fun than Chastity and Timidity.
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
In the event of sinking, this toilet has been
designed to act as an emergency life shelter.
To activate;
A: Locate the locking lever under the toilet, and pull forwards firmly with
both hands. This will release the inflatable flotation skirts.
B: Once fully deployed, pull the lever firmly upwards to disengage the
locking clamps and release the emergency shelter.
C: Life Jackets are located in several locations marked by a bright orange
warning sign.
D: Emergency provisions may be located, if anyone happened to bring
them along.
E: Avoid drowning by inhaling only air. If accidental inhalation of water
does occur, good luck, we’ll miss you.
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and
rhenium, and nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium, and iron, americium, ruthenium,
uranium, europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium, and lanthanum and osmium and
astatine and radium, and gold, protactinium and indium and gallium, and iodine and thorium
and thulium and thallium.
There’s yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium, and boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium, and
strontium and silicon and silver and samarium, and bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium
and barium.
There’s holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium, and phosphorous and francium and
fluorine and terbium, and manganese and mercury, molybdinum, magnesium, dysprosium
and scandium and cerium and cesium, and lead, praseodymium, and platinum, plutonium,
palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium, tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, and
cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.
There’s sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium, and also mendelevium, einsteinium and
nobelium, and argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium, and chlorine, carbon,
cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium.
These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard.
There may be many others but they haven’t been discovered.
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
BE ALERT!
POD PEOPLE ARE EVERYWHERE!
Remain observant. If you see a Pod Person be sure to report it to your
nearest Police Officer straight away!
Keep an eye out for anyone showing the tell tale signs;
Pod People have no sense of humour! If in doubt, try telling them an amusing joke,
or see how they react to a witticism! - Pod People have a great fondness for the
colour brown. - Pod People find listening to rap music extremely painful, try whistling
a track by a rap artist. - Pod People cannot pronounce the word ‘disinclination’, try to
slip it into a conversation. - Pod People often wear very ugly shoes. - Pod People
never drink cider.
BUT ABOVE ALL
BE ALERT!
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Share This
If you take a photograph of the above image on a Nokia or
Samsung mobile phone, and send it via picture messaging to an
iPhone, a secret message will appear!
Or, you know, might not.
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You About The Colebrook Equation For
Mixed Laminar And Turbulent Flow Through A Non-Reciprocating
Pump System
In case you’d forgotten it.
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Display The 2009 US Sci-Fi Crossover Character Map
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Quotes of the Day
“A life without drink is like a book of empty pages – really, REALLY boring.”
Gustav Holst
“In the end, what it all boils down to is marmite.”
Lucy Wallis
“There are three ways to get rich. None of them involve telling you.”
JD Rockefeller
“I can’t feel my legs.”
Douglas Bader
“Well, it was alright. Passed the time.”
Andrew King
“Yeah, cheers, extra cold.”
Chris Holt
“In all the world there are only two great women. The one you’re fucking, and the one that you’re going to
fuck next.”
Osmond Dipthosis
“Take one immediately after swimming to reduce gas.”
Dr Ashcroft-Tharrnsenn
“I still can’t feel my legs.”
Douglas Bader
“The one real benefit of a life lived without a drop of alcohol is that you get an awful lot longer to regret
being such a tedious shit.”
Lord Quimimnol-Smythe-Herrington-Smythe.
“I did it for charity. By the way, where’s the sponsorship money?”
Paul ‘Gypsy’ Fallows
“We have you on our screens now, Enterprise.”
Anne Extra
“What the fuck did you do with my fucking LEGS?!”
Douglas Bader
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Quotes of the Day
“Is this a dagger I see before me? Ah, no, ‘tis but a spoon.”
William Shakespeare
“Insert firmly into slot B.”
Raul Ikea
“I cannae hold her captain!”
Montgomery Scott
“I shall call it fire, that’s a catchy name.”
Anonymous Neaderthal
“Yeah, cheers, regular.”
Chris Holt
“The cat with the fiddle is next to the marrow full of cheese.”
Derek Humbolt (Trans.)
“Invest in the future – buy a lot of lasers and shit.”
Dr Ashcroft-Tharrnsenn
“Who’s that sitting in the aisle? Is it little Timmy Jenkins? Or is it an axe-wielding maniac?”
Erik Von Danniken
“I ought to tell you, in the spirit of full disclosure, that this rash is only temporary.”
Lord Quimimnol-Smythe-Herrington-Smythe-Smythe.
“I don’t think it was me, but you never know, I get very drunk on Tuesdays so, it could have been.”
Tony T Tiger
“There’s no earthly way of knowing, so the danger must be growing as the rowers keep on rowing, and
they’re certainly not showing any signs that they are slowing.”
W. Wonka Esq.
“Six shots of gin, three shots of tonic, one slice of lemon in a tall glass and a slice of fruitcake, extra cold.”
Gen. George Bunting DSO MST BSC SSC
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Things You May Have Done
Wondered why washing machines are covered in dials with arcane and mystifying symbols rather than a
temperature gauge and a timer, which, lets face it, would be far more straightforward and generally would
mean men could wash things without destroying half of everything every time you hit the ‘go’ button.
Imagined that you are the pilot of your own body, which is in fact a giant mech.
Imagined that you are a cybernetic killing machine from the future, and enjoyed knowing that to everyone
else you appear to be a perfectly normal human.
In either case above visualized the Heads Up Display replete with targeting cross-hairs and meaningless
streams of numbers.
Issued quasi-military jargon to yourself as you navigate round town. “Piper alpha kilo, accelerate to
maximum cruise speed and proceed heading zero-zero-twenty to target zone.” That kinda thing.
Convinced yourself that you’ve seen enough kung-fu films that if those two rowdy gits at the bar don’t shut
up you’d be able to get rid of them in short order Bruce Lee style.
Tripped on something and rather than face the impending laughter from the folks around you decided to
turn it into the start of a little dance, as grown men suddenly breaking into dance is perfectly normal and
unlikely to gather attention, whereas tripping is downright foolish.
Spent some time doing something with your fingers strictly together as two pairs, so that it looks a bit like
alien hands, just to see if you really need four of the buggers.
Started your car by flipping the imaginary engine start buttons, bringing the reactor to full power,
encrypting the radio and having a brief conversation with air traffic control before you turn the key.
Popped downstairs just to see if there’s a new irreverent sign up.
Thank You
The Mgt
Director Melvin Hamock
6th Floor, Zone E
Main Building
Whitehall
London, SW1A 2HB
United Kingdom
Nigel Thornwhistle
The Colonnade Bar
10 New Road
Brighton
BN1 1UF
Re: National Security measures undertaken
Dear Nigel,
Thank you for your letter apprising the department of your activities and suggestions
regarding the National Security of the United Kingdom. Let me begin by mentioning that many of
your points would be more correctly dealt with by the Security Service.
Whilst it is true that at various points in history the United Kingdom has been at war with
virtually every nation comprising Europe, currently those you list are all signatories of the North
Atlantic Treaty, are likely to remain so for the foreseeable future, and therefore would be more
accurately described as allies, rather than, as you so eloquently put it, ‘evil foreign slime filth’. Whilst
Her Majesty’s government remain vigilant in all areas we do not see a need, at this time, for you to
refuse service to visitors to our shores from any Nation – you should feel assured that their intentions
have been verified as benign on point of access, which is to say Passport Control or the
Immigration Service.
Whilst you should certainly feel free to report any evidence you uncover of a plot to
destablise the Nation, we feel obliged to observe that simply speaking in a language other than
English is not, in fact, sufficient grounds to elicit the assistance of the Police or Armed Forces, and
as such we remain, regrettably, unable to permanently station a tank outside your venue.
In answer to your request regarding the construction of machine gun nests at tactical
locations within your venue to repel insurgents, we must decline. Operations of firearms, including
automatic weapons, are illegal under the Firearms Act (1968) and there exists no possibility of a
permit being issued in this case. However, we are able to confirm that the most suitable weapon,
were the situation different, would be the L108A1.
As regards your plans to construct a self-destruct device in the gent’s water closet, to be
used in cases of foreign invasion, we suspect that you may have overlooked the deleterious
effects of the long term storage of ammonia based fertilizers in a public house. We should imagine
that the fumes would offer considerable incentive for your guests to vacate the property. Further,
although we must admit to having never conducted tests, we suspect that used crisp packets may
not be a viable container for these chemicals, even if ‘gaffer tape’ were used to seal up the ones
that had split. We feel we must also point out that such a construction, were it successful, would
most certainly be in violation of the law.
Yours sincerely,
Melvin Hamock
The Colonnade Bar
Guide To Newly Introduced Symbols For The National Trust
Thank You
The Mgt
Classic Posters Of Yester Year #23
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
THIS IS NOT A FALLOUT SHELTER
Seek Cover Elsewhere!
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Announce Upcoming Events for
“America Is Wonderful” Night
Thursday 28th January
Dr. David L. Randolph
“How the Americans won the First World War for us even though they only turned up at the end.”
Thursday 4th February
Jerry Mundaker
“How the Americans won the Second World War for us even though they only turned up at the
end.”
Thursday 11th February
Prof. Curtis Zaubach
“How the Americans won the Vietnam War, in moral and ethical terms, even though they got kicked
out in the end.”
Thursday 18th February
Dr. Betty B Munch
“How the Americans won the Falklands War for us even though they supplied Galtieri with
Intelligence Support that almost certainly cost us HMS Sheffield, which, in a long term view, only
served to help the British by pointing out how badly we’d do if the Americans decide to stab us in
the back.”
Thursday 25th February
Raul Calvados-Spinks
“How the Americans won the War on Terror in a real and meaningful fashion although it must be
admitted that it isn’t really over yet, and given the rather vague definition of Terrorism it’s probable
that it won’t be unless someone decides to define Terrorism in a way that we can decide we have
won, even though clearly some might say we haven’t.”
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Under New Guidelines From The
Would Like To Inform You Of New Pub Rules
1: The pub will no longer serve terrorists.
2: Any bombs, guns or other weapons must be handed in to the staff, and will be returned
only on departure.
3: Anyone found to be voicing an opinion that Barrack Obama, his Administration or
Policies, the War on Terror, the Wars on Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Yemen, Somalia, France or
Grenada, Guantanamo Bay, Torture, Incarceration Without Trial or Release, the Acquisition
of National Interests by Extreme Violence, the monopolization of global culture and trade
by American Super-Corporations or the destruction of cultures and ways of life that do not
fit within the Just and True culture of Decent American Society might be in anyway a bad
thing, will be taken as sufficient grounds to declare that person an Enemy of Righteousness
and the responsible person shall be expelled from the venue.
4: Thursday nights will now be “American Is Wonderful” Night
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Kitten & Vegetable Stir Fry
Ingredients
2 Boneless, skinless kitten
fillets, cut into strips 1cm wide
Vegetable oil
Sesame oil
1 garlic clove
2 peeled carrots
½ red pepper
½ yellow pepper
½ green pepper
2 celery stalks
200g bean sprouts
1 tbsp dark soy sauce
3 tbsp oyster sauce
Sesame seeds, toasted
Egg noodles
Method
1. Cook the noodles in a large pan of boiling water for 2-3 minutes until soft.
2. Whilst the noodles are boiling, slice 2 carrots, half of each red, yellow and
green pepper and 2 celery stalks, keeping them separate.
3. Once the noodles are cooked. Drain and return to the saucepan. Toss well in
vegetable oil and set aside. Cover with a tea towel.
4. Heat a wok until very hot, then add 2 tbsp of vegetable and sesame oil. Add 1
chopped garlic clove after 30 seconds. Toss in the sliced peppers and carrots and
stir-fry for another 30 seconds, then add the sliced celery and 200g bean sprouts.
Add another splash of soy sauce and then take out of the wok and set to one
side.
5. Add another tablespoon vegetable and sesame oil to the pan. Add the kitten
and stir-fry for 3 minutes or until it loses its colour. When the kitten is ready add
the vegetable back to the wok with the noodles and toasted sesame seeds. Stir in
the soy sauce and oyster sauce. Cook for 1 minute, stirring constantly and serve
immediately.
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would like to remind you that
20% of all deposits made will be donated to;
The McGann Foundation
Supporting hundreds of actors made homeless by the decline of
the British film industry
Every day an actor like Paul
McGann is made homeless by a
budget cut or outright cancellation of
a film or television project. Can you
spare £3 a month to help?
£3 a month can mean the difference
between appearing as a cameo role
in a small production or pantomime
and living on the streets.
Help end this needless suffering
TheMcGannFoundation.org
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You That
You are NOT a sweet
transvestite from
transsexual
Transylvania
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You
Procrastination:
The gentle art of…
Cont. Next Week
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
This poster intentionally
left blank.
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You
In the interests of hygiene
Please refrain from using
the door handle.
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You
In the interests of hygiene
Please check that you are
still wearing trousers.
Thank You
The Mgt
The Colonnade Bar
Would Like To Remind You
It’s all over bar the
screaming, crying and the
loss of bladder control.
Thank You
The Mgt