Do You Know What I Mean?

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?
COMMUNICATING WITH PURPOSE
Dawn W. Wilson, MSW
Social Services Institute
October 23, 2015
Ziggy says…
Objectives
Participants will…

Learn 4 basic communication styles

Identify roadblocks that hinder communication

Learn 7 tips for effective communication

Discuss common communication traps
Communication Styles
Passive
Aggressive
Passive-Aggressive
Assertive
Assertive Communication

Believe that your feelings, needs and
ideas are as important as others

Exercise your rights
without denying the rights
of others

Express honest feelings/thoughts
comfortably

Be clear, direct and straightforward
Road Blocks to
Effective Communication
Assertive ≠ Aggressive
Cultural and Childhood
Messages
Double Standards
 The
same behavior is often framed for
men as being assertive, but for women as
being bossy or b***hy
 Men
traditionally use communication for
achievement; women for belonging or
nurturing
 Being
in traditional caretaker role sets
women up for putting other’s needs first
7
#1 – Communication is
Verbal and Nonverbal
#1 – Communication is
Verbal and Nonverbal
#2 – Know Your Limits
 Know
your buttons and triggers
 Remember
that you are not responsible
for how others act, react, think or feel
 You
can only control:
 What
you say
 What
you do
 How
you react to your
thoughts and feelings
#3 – Know Your Rights
#4 - Use “I” Messages

I feel…. (emotion)

When you… (action)

Because… (reason)

I would like… (request)
#4 - Use “I” Messages

I felt angry when you bailed at the
last minute after offering to
complete that project for me
because I was left having to do the
work and missed my son’s school
play. In the future, I need you to
only offer to do things you can
follow-through on.
#5 - Stop Sabotaging
Yourself
“I’m
 “This
 “I
sorry, but…”
may be stupid, but …”
don’t know if this is a
good idea, but…”
#6 - Be Specific and
Timely
 Don’t
assume others are
mind readers

Don’t address something in
the heat of the moment,
but don’t wait too long to
discuss something that
bothers you now
# 7 – Be a Good Listener
 Be
physically attentive
 Reflect
 Seek
back what you hear
clarification
(don’t assume)
Communication Traps
Saying

Shake your head when saying “no”

Acknowledge the other person’s feelings

Offer a compromise

Use broken record technique

Instead of….
I don’t think so
Say…
No
I can’t
I’m not interested
I shouldn’t
I’ve decided not to
Handling Angry People

Don’t take the anger personally

Allow them to vent

Don’t try to rationalize with someone who is past
the point of reason

Empathize, acknowledge the person’s feeling

Disarm by finding a grain of truth in what they’re
saying

Move to solution
Giving Criticism
 Be
specific and direct
“You were late 3 days last
week” vs. “You are always
late”

Refer to actions not personal qualities
“You were late 3 days last week” vs. “You have a
poor work ethic”

Put in positive context
“It’s out of character for you to be late 3 times in a
week without any explanation”
Receiving Criticism

Express your feelings
respectfully

If criticism is…
Then…
Accurate
acknowledge you heard it
Inaccurate
ask for examples and
respond tactfully with fact
A “put down”
use “I” message
Dealing with
Manipulative &
Persistent People

Repeat/use the broken record technique

Defuse or delay (“There is so much to talk about
and we’re not going to finish today – let’s pick it
back up tomorrow”)

Agree and change the subject (“Thanks for
pointing that out”)

Use humor (don’t be overly sarcastic)
Electronic
Communication
Use a clear subject line
 Think twice before hitting “reply all”
 Use exclamation points sparingly
 Be cautious with humor – sarcasm
often doesn’t translate without tone
 Electronic is not a
substitute for face to
face for important
and sensitive issues

Resources

You Just Don’t Understand & That’s Not
What I Meant – Deborah Tannen

The Assertive Woman – Stanlee Phelps &
Nancy Austin

Crucial Conversation: Tools for Talking
When Stakes are High – Kerry Patterson,
Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan & Al
Switzler
Dawn W. Wilson, MSW
Program Manager
Catawba County Social Services
[email protected]