Run #1882 - auh4.org

Hash 1883* Otherwise known as the
hash, because of the liquids stop on the furthest part of the run, to which Sheep ShaggerBush arrived with the announcement: “Heineken? Oh, I HeineCAN!” Only to discover this
most public of locations featured only water and softies! Oh, Heinekanʼt!
• including the +/-5 of hash recording error.
HASHMEISTER: Teaboy
HARE: Finger Lickinʼ Good (helped by Chicken Legs)
VERDICT: There was, Teaboy announced, still the chance to snatch defeat from the jaws
of victory and win the Worst Run of the Year. Was this that run, since thereʼs only one
more run before the Hash Ball when this most decorous of awards will be, er, awarded.
So? “Rubbish!” “No beer at the beer stop!” “Nothing could be worse!” Other than a certain
run in Mussafah? “Too much chalk!” “More arrows than Iʼve seen on any run!” There was
-1 point for each arrow, which came to -4000. And then another -2000 for the false beer
stop without haram beverages, making -6000, which is close to a high score for us. So, the
frontrunners are safe for another week. Yas, no pressure, bro...
NEW RUNNERS: There were two, and we didnʼt manage to lose them. Although they did
wonder afterwards if accepting a lift home with Chicken Legs would end up in a shallow
grave in the desert. (Guys, you need to contact me to let me know youʼre OK!)
Just Natasha is from the Swiss embassy and is here for two months, which is funny
because thatʼs exactly what Oozee said 220 years ago. This led, apropos of nothing, to her admission that on arriving in the UAE, someone had thought she was “a s*x tourist”.
(Maybe she was on a flight from Minsk?) Will you be hashing again? “Not yet.” What?
“Yes!” And is she coming to the hash ball? “Is that the same night as Justin Timberlake?”
Oooooooh... Her favourite farm animal was thus assumed to be Richard Gere. Er, sorry,
Justin Timberlake!
Just Alex also works at the Swiss embassy. What at the chances!? Oh, so apparently they
know each other... Sheʼs here for a year – “Lifer!” – and is an economics assistant, will
hash again (lifer and/or liar) and her favourite farm animal is the fainting goat. It turns out
every day is a school day at the Abu Dhabi hash because until tonight I was blissfully
unaware of this phenomenon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uT-UGTQd6zQ since my
familiarity with the goat oeuvre was this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfPndEB2ec0
CELEBRATIONS, BIRTHDAYS, DIVORCES: Eleven Inches is having his abuversary –
six years in the sandpit. But that was kinda out-trumped by Lost Semin Sevenʼs wedding
announcement for June 14, in which he will be getting married in Abu Dhabi, which is
different to being Abu Dhabi Married... Probably just a coincidence that LS7ʼs betrothed
has not been seen at the hash since she got named Swallows Seven(ʻs) Semin?...
LEAVING and/or RETURNING: Nobody. So, we finally achieved homeostasis! Sheldon
would be proud! Except hasnʼt Chicken Legs been away, exhibiting appalling episodes of
sportsmanlike conduct like doing sub-4-hour marathons for charity?
HASH SOCIAL: This weekend is the Lulu Island sandpit hash, on a tropical island a few
minutes from the Abu Dhabi downtown. The timing is perfect: the water is warm and the
nights are pleasant. And there probably wonʼt be death-defying storms this year. Probably.
How to get there: boats will leave from the Mina dock (as per the attached maps) at 2pm
and 4pm. The usual sandpit hash rules applied: the run fee will pay for the run and a beer
stop (the one and only rule of the sandpit hash) and beers for the down-downs in the circle
but otherwise you need to be self contained for everything else – food, water, everything.
Last year, the Lulu Island sandpit was blighted by being the day after the hash ball. For
those who wish to re-experience what this felt like, on Thursday May 17, Peking F*ck is
having a scouting mission for the Dodgy Pub Crawl in June, beginning at the literal and
metphorical bottom at 49ers at 7.30pm.
And we have the return of Tuesday Cheap Eats, with a Yemeni meal (maybe) on Tuesday
May 20 (also maybe). Details next week! Er, maybe.
Abu Dhabi Hash Ball will be on May 23. And will be epic! You need to buy your ticket by
Monday.
On Friday June 13, thereʼs the annual Sandpit Hash Hatta Pools trip, timed for just
before the Flight Of The Expat Wives. This is one of my favourite trips in the region,
which weʼve done comfortably even when itʼs 50degC/122cF outside. Weʼll book aircon
villas at Hatta Fort Hotel. The following Thursday June 19, there will be the Dodgy Pub Crawl in the Dhabsʼ
seedier establishments. What could go wrong?
There will be a brunch in Ramadan at Eleven Inchesʼ abode. You know the name.
Unless you donʼt. But probably best not to mention it here... haram*cough*adan
RELIGIOUS ADVISOR: Oozee officiated, immediately citing Chicken Legs, T1Dub and
Bum/bbleballs for the Scorpionʼs drummer who felt the winds of change (geddit!?) for
doing a downtrou in Dubai after drinking on his flight. You say that like itʼs a bad thing...
And Saudi Arabia has criticised Norway for, of all things, human rights violations... For this,
we called in all Scandinavians! This apparently included the hashʼs favourite* Lithuanian
AntiClimax... (* and only) For reasons unrecorded, Eleven Inches was also cited, for his
Scandinavian roots. So to speak. T1Dub represented Saudi Arabia. Why? We all know
that Bum/bbleballs has a much more Saudi display of facial hair...
Shorth@ndjob was cited for having claimed last weekʼs run was a new location, only for
Oozee to admit to having a set a run from that very site as recently as 1873. The hash
website was cited, for which Eleven Inches accepted responsibility for the fact the ball
was not advertised but both the 2013 and 2014 Rehydration Runs were. (Free with every
2013 registration: the secret to time travel! Free with every Hash Ball ticket: membership to
Clairvoyants Anonymous!)
Teaboy was cited along with his missus, for whom we needed a lookalike: Jaws! And
since Sheep Sh@gger-Bush had gone, we needed someone to represent him too:
AntiClimax! This was because he had to have a special speed boat take him to the Dhow
trip that Whiney B had organised, having taken an hour to cross the border at Dibba...
However Whiney B was cited in person for her skills of indigenous driving: swerving
across the road, not indicating and not slowing for speed bumps. Commendable!
Whiney B was cited yet further for using a work computer to look up what a “merkin” is... Just Derek was punished for having done a 10k to get to the hash, the timing of which
allowed him to barely break stride. Peking F*ck, Just Alex and all the other alleged
runners who crossed the road using the footbridge and resorted to the lift were also cited
for commendable conduct. T1Dub was cited for having suspiciously clean shoes (“One puddle on the hash, and I find
it...”) and AntiClimax wasnʼt running because she had a suspected broken rib from having
been crushed by six others at the end of the ReemHy run. Finger Lickinʼ Good was cited
for her commendable efforts to corrall the runners, except for, er, T1Dub...
Everyone who used electronic devices on the hash was cited for Yasʼs complete
indifference to the car in his path as he ran along. And did anyone else notice that Finger Lickinʼ Good had catered her first run with fried
chicken? Albeit Lulu variety rather than the Colonelʼs.
HASH NAMING: Didnʼt Just Derek need a name? After all, heʼd gone as far as
introducing his missus, Just Katie, to the hash, which is a bit like meeting the parents...
But hadnʼt our new arrivals, Just Natasha and Just Alex already effectively named
themselves by announcing they were respectively mistaken for a s*x tourist and for
nominating Fainting Goats as her favourite farm animal. And since Just Derek was
standing between the soon-to-be-named S*x Tourist and Fainting Goat, that kind of
made it obvious that the universe wanted him to be Fainting S*x Goat... Yes!
HASH SHlT: This was a battle between Peking F*ck, Bum/bbleballs and T1Dub. PF took
the peopleʼs award on the night. NEXT WEEKʼS RUN: This will be hared by Yas. I think. But weʼll meet at Frankenfurterʼs
B!tchʼs abode, which has a pool for the on-back! So, bring swimming attire. Final thought: no matter what kind of day youʼre having, youʼre having a better day than
this squirrel.