Read October`s The Edge as a PDF
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Read October`s The Edge as a PDF
23/09/2011 09:34 Page 1 EDGE the ISSUE NO: 180 www.theedgemag.co.uk PUB & Dining Nestled between Writtle and Roxwell ‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’ The Edge Chelmsford CM2 6XD Telephone 01245 348256 01245 421894 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd OCTOBER 2011 Mobile: 077 646 797 44 Sparkling crystal and stone bead jewellery by Lucet Mundi 8-10 N E W LO N DO N ROA D - CH EL MSFO R D - ESSE X - CM2 0SW T: 01245 2670 89 - w w w.asjeweller s.co.uk - E: info@asjeweller s.co.uk The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 09:39 Page 3 your Book OOR D T U O TMAS IS R H C TION FUNC ! NOW ‘DRIN AS MU K CH YOU L AS BARS IKE’ FOR A SET PRICE “THE BUBBLY IS ON US!” www.olivercatering.com Email: [email protected] TEL: 01245 451651 To be honest, The Edge didn’t know what the hell to use its page 3 picture space for this month... so thought it’d show you something that’s been on its mind of late instead. The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 3 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 The Edge Editor’s Column 15 YEARS Bugger! Fifteen years I’ve been doing The Edge now, readers: man and boy (surely that ought to be the other way around?). “Have you really been doing it that long?” people often say to me. “Yes,” I say to them. Do the bloody math (is it math or maths? Dave Sherman will doubtless know the answer to that one. But math (singular) sounds far sexier, don’t you think? As in: “Do the math, punk. Go on, make my day.”) The Edge is monthly, twelve editions per year, this edition is number 180. I tell you, it’s simple arithmetic once you really put your minds to it. WOW Remember that Kate Bush song ‘Wow’ in which she insisted everything was unbelievable? I found myself singing it to myself the other day, only then I got to the bit where it goes, “He’s too busy hitting the Vaseline”....which prompted me to Google the entire lyrics, only I’m still none the wiser. Can anyone shed any light? RELOCATION RELOCATION Just love that programme and the latest series shows no signs whatsoever of being past its sell 09:48 Page 4 by date. However, if any TV executives happen to be reading this particular issue, me and the missus would just love the opportunity to do a spoof version. We were actually cracking up whilst watching it the other night by making our most crude interjections and I only need a bit of dark fluff around the outside of my head to be a dead ringer for Phil. Chris Morris, eat your heart out. So would someone from televisionland kindly get in touch with a big fat cheque to boot. SILENCE I sometimes wonder whether you get sick of all the words I write because life is just too damn short and when you eventually get a minute to yourselves, hell’s teeth, you’re confronted by all of these bloody words. I guess what I’m saying is, if I left my editor’s column blank, would you still bother to read it? BITTER I’d hazard a guess and say that an awful lot of people possibly live in fear of ever being found out for being bitter. Christ, folks could probably deal with being labeled racist more than they could ever handle anyone accusing them of being bitter, only I can’t see what the big deal is. Which is why I have absolutely no problems admitting that I am bitter to the core. Oh yeah, I am bitter towards any bugger who ever pays me late (it’s rude, it’s ignorant, and how much credit do you expect to get anyway?). Meanwhile, those who’ve ever gotten away with not paying me at all (and you know who you are), well then, I’d genuinely like to see you sodomised at the stake. What else? Ah yes, I’m bitter about no longer having the Adonislike body I had 20 years ago (oh, come on) and not even being arsed to do the corner lounge exchange way, chelmsford. anything about it. I’m bitter about every single thing anyone’s ever said they’d do for me, then didn’t. I’m bitter about all the parking tickets I’ve ever received and all those who’ve ever tried to fleece me. And finally, I’m particularly bitter towards all those who have never forgiven me for my numerous drunken indiscretions (hey, it’s alcohol: what happens afterwards goes with the territory). And while we’re on the subject, I even drink bloody bitter, so really there’s no hope for me. ROVINJ You recommend holiday destinations to folks and they go, “Oh yeah?” but never go. ‘Bernard the Butcher’ used to rave on about the Croatian jewel that is Rovinj to me and was concerned he’d overcooked it. But when I eventually got there, I realised that you cannot ‘big up’ Rovinj enough and I absolutely loved it there. So it’ll be interesting to see what Pen-Pen and Lengthy-Boy think about it too. And hey, they’re even holed up in the very same hotel (Hotel Parc with its magnificent views). Hey, it’s nice when some people really do take your advice. JOHN MALKOVICH What’s the difference between John Malkovich and Sid James, apart from the latter being brown bread? The answer, of course, is the fact that our Sidney would not in the least bit have frightened you if he’d landed the lead role in, for instance, Ripley’s Game....especially if Barbara Windsor had been cavorting about as his wife. THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 01245 348256 [email protected] #* )% $! $ &"%&# '#*$ &#$ &#$ #% % !!#% ! *!&# !( ! Book your Christmas Party NOW! ((( $*%!& % $*%!& To receive a FREE monthly electronic copy of EDGE the CHRISTMAS PARTY LUNCH MENU 2-courses £16.50 inc. coffee 3-courses £19.50 inc. coffee CHRISTMAS PARTY EVENING MENU £24.50 inc. coffee & disco entertainment in Basement Club Bar licensed ’til 3:00am Our Christmas Party Lunch & Evening Menus are available from Monday 28th November to Friday 23rd December! For all enquiries please telephone 01245 505880. www.thecornerlounge.co.uk Page 4 before the physical version has even hit-the-streets simply log on to www.theedgemag.co.uk punch the ‘SUBSCRIBE’ button and t’job’s a good ’un! The Edge 01245 348256 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 10:32 Page 5 The Hangover Ostrich Eggs Here’s a photograph of a Japanese tourist taking a photograph of some ostrich eggs in Borough Market, London. The only reason why The Edge is even mentioning this is because I recently went up to town for a bit of a pub crawl with three reprobates (see page 22) and Kingpin wondered how long it would take to boil an ostrich egg. So we all placed our bets (I reckoned 25 minutes), but that custard Kingpin got it more or less spot-on with his guesstimate of two hours. Can you believe that, two whole hours to boil a bloody egg, readers? Yes, I know they look gigantic and appear like something out of Jurassic Park (or perhaps only found inside The Kingmeister’s jockies), but surely that’s for a hard boiled affair (ahhhh, you forgot to say to the woman on the ostrich stall whether 2 hours was for runny or hard?). Anyway, Kingpin pretty much wanted you all to know that he’s a genius and.....and he really gets on your tits sometimes, don’t you think, because he can be such an irritating know-all little basket at times. If you agree, email [email protected] I hate hangovers. I figured I’d have one after the day before (our little London trip, as mentioned, left), but they actually make me feel a bit paranoid, which is not such a good feeling at all. I always then always regret the money I feel I’ve wasted (because throwing alcohol down your neck isn’t really all that clever) and doubleregret the fact that I’m not feeling too sharp in t’head, which then causes me to do damn stoopid tings such as putting my mobile ’phone in the washing machine (inside the pocket of my jeans, it was) which thus causes me to have to waste even more money by buying a new one. Good job I don’t go in for fancy ‘all singing, all dancing’ mobile ’phones, like I reckon a lot of you readers choose. Nope - sniff - seventy sheets was more than plenty for me to have to fork out when there was absolutely nothing wrong with my old one (other than the fact that it no longer worked... cause of death: DROWNED). I also had to fork out a £250 chunk this month to get the lower part of the driver’s door of The Edgemobile resprayed after some thoughtless twat caught their front bumper on it after no doubt reversing out of the sardinelike parking space next to me at the bloody supermarket. Nice of them to leave their name, telephone number and insurance details tucked beneath my windscreen wiper (not). Peasants. So that’s £320 simply to stand still, if you know what I mean (I hadn’t gained anything....I’d just got parity with that which I’d already previously had. Have you wasted any dough recently, readers? Email: [email protected] Ali’s Taxis 46-46-46 inc. 8 seater mini-buses Airport Trips Corporate Accounts Welcome ... HI-FI, HOME CINEMA & MULTI-ROOM SPECIALISTS Get the best from Your iPod With one of these award winning music systems 216 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, Essex CM2 0LR 01245 265245 E-Mail: [email protected] www.rayleighhifi.com www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 5 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 10:33 Page 6 WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE... “Sometimes I think Chelmsford’s not so bad, but other times...” Freshly made sandwiches, jacket potatoes, salad boxes, homemade soups, cakes & much much more! Duke Street. Tel: 01245 499114 m io-24-7.co www.stud sign de website ry tione a t s ing logos wedd t: 01245 601407 7.com e: info@studio-24- graphic design To comment on ANY article that appears in EDGE the and we do like to receive readers’ feedback (particularly when it’s cringeworthy) simply contact [email protected] Page 6 There’s no-one gets more disillusioned with life as we know it than The Edge. I mean, by Christ, I wouldn’t swap my highs for anyone’s as sometimes I am literally floating (nay, soaring). But bugger, there’s a flip side of that coin and anyone who knows me knows I can really plummet the depths. Give me rain and a grey, grey sky and my attitude is, “What’s the bloody point of living?” In fact, it’s perhaps a bit weird how little it really does take to swing my barometer (“Swing, baby, swing” - A. Powers Esq.). Take this photo (above), taken at about 6:30am one morning in early September, whilst I was out and about distributing The Edge to our town’s commuters at the railway station. The light at that particular time of day was absolutely wonderful and just look at the beautiful shadow that’s created by the lamp on the pub wall of The Royal Steamer. Daft as it may seem, little things like that make me happy, although I do understand that my connection to happiness is generally governed by the weather, so if it’s shite, then so too (generally speaking) will my mood be. Sticking with the theme of steam, I spotted this little beauty (right) pulled up outside The Compasses at Littley Green recently, and how can such a beautiful machine not make you smile? If Fred Dibnah had been behind the wheel (Gawd rest his Dover), well, I doubt I’d have been able to contain myself. I may be the least mechanical person in the history of the Universe, but a steam engine in Chelmsford (or any town for that matter), is a beautiful, beautiful thing. (Let us pose the question to our town’s commuters: if there was but one single steam train every hour on the hour to Liverpool Street 5 mornings every week, would you try your damnedest to catch it, or don’t you give a shite?) Then there’s Chelmsford’s old gassworks down by the soon to be levelled Waterfront Place - and what a crying shame that is). I don’t know what it is about photographs of old gassworks, but somehow they appeal to my sense of....? Is it because I was born Ecky Thump and not The Edge Editor and all of my family had Lowry paintings adorning the walls of their front rooms (did you used to have front rooms down south, readers?) when I was growing up? So what you see on this page are images of Chelmsford that I personally don’t think are really half-bad. Only then I think of the gorgeous sunsets at Nai Harn Beach in Phuket and I wonder who the hell I’m trying to kid? OK, so I’ve already booked to go there yet again in 2012, but that’s over six months away and until then, I am literally stuck with life as we bloody know it in Chelmsford, and the thought of it honestly depresses the hell out of me more than I’m comfortable letting on. In my experience - and I honestly wouldn’t wish that on any of you - life’s seemingly very often all about coping and attempting to ‘make the best’ of stuff as opposed to actually living. Your comments to: [email protected] [email protected] professional home improvements... your vision, our expertise with a little imagination and a great deal of application, we can help you realise that home improvement project, at prices which are hard to beat! erty r prop tion...o see if you a r e n R ge rvey, t SOLA solar PV su lectricity! e h t join free ee e r your rate fr call fo ble to gene a is suit FREE upgrade to Pilkington Glass roof for all new conservatory orders COMPOSITE DOORS NOW ONLY £899 FITTED Windows Doors Conservatories Orangeries Fascias Porches Extensions please call for more details ��� Haltwhistle Rd South Woodham Ferrers CALL TODAY ON ����� e-mail: [email protected] Plas Tech A4_Prof.indd 1 01245 426648 www.theplastechgroup.co.uk 19/9/11 20:34:08 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 10:46 Page 8 Mick McDonagh Hunter-Gatherers ALL CARS WANTED Telchristie Car Sales NEW or OLD “Guaranteed to pay a fair price” NO GIMMICKS Any car, new or old, with or without an MOT. All cars bought & sold. www.telchristiecarsales.co.uk TEL: 0800 2343207 or 07980 923760 Regular ‘LIVE’ entertainment! TEL: 01245 422722 Page 8 In a recent Edge edition, the editor referred to his basic hunter-gatherer instinct in his customary jocular fashion. The comment reminded me of a book entitled ‘Objects of Desire’ by Charles Dennis, a Chartered Marketer and Senior Lecturer at Brunel University who also lectured me in my formative years. He established a need to understand shopping as a fundamental aspect of modern society. The book explores a range of perspectives from traditional (Maslow’s hierarchy of Needs) to the latest thinking (Environmental and Evolutionary Psychology). The author suggests, perhaps controversially, that shopping styles may be rooted in the lifestyles necessitated when our ancestors adapted to the African savannah. Life evolved from a primeval soup billions of years ago. However, some four million years ago, a major Ice Age forced the forests covering most of Africa to retreat. Many of our ancestors died, but the more resourceful survived and reproduced, shaped by the need to evolve and adapt to explore and settle in environments abundant with the resources needed to sustain life. Hunter-gatherer societies have formed the basis of human life until recent times. Females tended offspring and the camp, gathering food and materials for the family tribe, whilst males tended to hunt, generally being physically faster and stronger, and protected the family tribe. Evolution tended to dictate that those best at their respective roles were more likely to find a potential mate and to survive resulting in persistent traits. In today’s western consumer societies, even where cultural enlightenment has meant greater gender equality in the workplace, the fundamental differences in female and male shopping habits persist. Female ‘gatherers’ tendencies entail ritual seeking, comparing pros and cons, visiting more shops, more often and for longer, using the process as a leisure activity or social interaction. Male ‘hunter’ styles include incisive, decisive and determined behaviour. Shopping trips are shorter, imagining the moment of the ‘kill’ (purchase)! So is this all just cultural stereotyping? Well, yes. However, in 2003 the BB conducted some market research resulting in 22% who disagreed with the stereotypes and 78% who agreed. The book is extremely deep comparing myriad factors. Consumer behaviour is diverse and not always easy to explain because motivations are based not just on shops and shopping but also on service and experience. Given the fiercely competitive nature of the retail/shopping centre industry and the currently difficult economic position, we tend to regularly make differential changes to the total shopping proposition merely to survive. As well as changes to the retail mix a successful retail strategy necessitates continuous realignment to a range of tangible and intangible factors (such as environment/atmosphere) in line with customer expectations. However, our eternal dilemma is that human behaviour is not directed by mere knowledge and information, but is a product of the images that a person perceives. We therefore function, or react, not in response to what is true, but to what we believe to be true. Shopping is as old as civilisation itself. People have always found it convenient to meet at a particular place to exchange produce. Farmers in the Middle Ages would gather on specific days at suitable places, usually a crossroads where a market would be held. The gathering of people with goods to barter and sell and money to spend attracted others, such as bankers (RUP), innkeepers (silent) and blacksmiths (iceman) for convenience. More permanent premises were established. People lived literally ‘over the shop’. Communities formed, became market towns and evolved into today’s towns and cities with shopping at their centre, surrounded by other services: administration with office blocks and a Town Hall; safety and security in the forms of police and fire stations; leisure, such as libraries, cinemas, parks and, of course; housing. Transport routes begat roads, railway and bus stations, and garages to maintain our modern metal horses. These communities were only contained by and, in a way, defined by these respective geographical surroundings. However, commerce refuses to be constrained thus, so edge of/and out of town retail was born. Then some wag invents the internet and e-commerce ensued. Now let me bring the subject back down to bricks from clicks. The county town continues to evolve to meet the needs, desires and aspirations of its principle customers (yes, you!). High Chelmer has completed the first phase of its £5 million extension project with JJB Sports relocating to West mall. A huge hoarding wall has been erected at Central Square whilst we build a twostorey glass frontage for Primark, which will also involve the remodelling of the centre’s roof in that particular area. Aquila has put before planners a full application for the redevelopment of land at the rear of the High Street and west of the River Chelmer in order to improve the ‘quality and depth’ of the town’s retail offer, in order to provide a major retail store (John Lewis) and other shops/restaurants in 2/3 storey blocks with an extended Bond Street. A basement car park associated highways works servicing and riverfront cycleway/footpath. The application also calls for alterations to the ‘ginnel’ (the gap between the Gap store and Superdrug on the High Street) in order to widen the pedestrian access route to the new mall. ‘Ginnel’ is a northern English word (which I am sure the editor well knows) meaning a narrow passage between buildings; an alley. The origins of the word are possibly the 17th century French chenel (channel). Meanwhile, Chelmsford’s numerous night-time revellers seem to know it as a ‘public’ toilet and I would even hazard a guess that some of our town’s future residents were conceived there. Finally, thank you for all your feedback from my last article, and in answer to all those who were wondering and didn’t ask, Primark will open at High Chelmer Summer 2012. I have also politely ignored the many ‘linked in’ requests as I still prefer to do my social networking with a pint in my hand! Oh yes indeed, Michael, I am well aware of what the splendid word ‘ginnel’ means! E.E. The Edge 01245 348256 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 14:19 Page 9 brilliant! “Knickers! Knackers! Knockers!” as dear old Les Dawson might have said. Things like this really chuff The Edge up. Surely it can’t be right to remain so very juvenile when one has reached ripe old ‘middle age’, but what can you do? I honestly cannot help myself (“which is a bit of a lame excuse if ever there was one, officer”). I took this snap when I spotted these panties drying above one of my favourite Chinese take-away outlets in Chelmsford (can any of you readers hazard a guess as to which one it is?). I don’t know who these knickers belong to, but she’s obviously not proud, and fair play to the young maiden for that. In a similar vein, have you ever called upon anyone unexpectedly when they’ve got their Y-fronts drying on radiators scattered about their house, yet they’re completely oblivious (or maybe they simply don’t care because who’s house is it anyway?). Or what about that occasion when you were stood at a bus stop and someone you knew drove straight past, completely ignoring you, or so you thought, whereas the truth of the matter might well have been that they’d just dropped an almighty bottom-burp and were far too embarrassed to stop as they reckoned you’d be offended by the smell. Round The World at Loch Fyne Flavours of Asia come to Loch Fyne in Chelmsford on Thursday 20th October. Join us for a mouth-watering three course dinner including a glass of wine for only £20 per person and an evening celebrating Asian food, wine and culture. Bookings now being taken. Loch Fyne Restaurant 109-111 Bond Street, Chelmsford. Tel: 01245 293620. [email protected]. www.lochfyne.com We’re Open: 6.00 Til Late Monday-Friday 5.30 Til Late Saturday • All Day Sunday Victoria Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1NY Tel: (01245) 269983 ALL AMERICAN RESTAURANT 50% OFF This voucher entitles you to 50% off your total food bill Valid Sundays to Thursdays during October 2011. Enter your details, bring along this voucher and present when you ask for the bill. Name.............................................................................. Address........................................................................... ....................................................................................... ............................................... Postcode ........................ Email .............................................................................. www.backinntime.co.uk The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 9 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 11:01 Page 10 PARAPROSDOKIAN A paraprosdokian is apparently ‘a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is either surprising or unexpected’. Therefore, ‘Where there’s a will, I want to be in it’ is a paraprosdokian. OK, so now enjoy some of these little belters... 1. Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list. New Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1PP. 01245 283929 www.thecyclecompany.co.uk 3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak. 4. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. B Bra JJ z Jiu ilian J clas itsu s cou es, r sem ses an inar d s! Self Defence Programmes, Basic Martial Arts Programmes,Black Belt Programmes, Personal Martial Arts Training Award Winning Martial Arts & Self Defence Academy ‘Laurence Sandum’s Black Belt Martial Arts Academy’ The Fitness Academy Martial Arts Centre, 1-2 Church Road, Boreham, Chelmsford, CM3 3EF. Tel: 01245 467680 www.blackbeltmartialarts.co.uk www.thefitnessacademy.co.uk AUTUMNN OFFERS S @ O’CONNORS House Wine £8.10 per bottle inc. Pinot Grigio (white & rose) plus Merlot (red) options FOOD HYGIENE 5-STAR RATING Jug of Pimm’s £8.50 7. The evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 10. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paying. 11. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says: 'In case of emergency, please notify....' I always put 'my doctor’. 12. I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was blaming you. 13. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy. 14. Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of every successful man is usually another woman. 15. A clear conscience is the sure sign of a fuzzy memory. 16. You do not need a parachute to skydive; you only need a parachute to skydive twice. 17. Money can't buy happiness, but it certainly makes misery easier to cope with. 18. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. (“That’s a cracker!” - Frank Carson) 19. You're never too old to learn something stupid. Jager Bombs £2.50 Open Mic Night every 3rd Sunday of month NEW FOR THE 2011-12 SOCCER SEASON....O’CONNORS CAN NOW SHOW TWO DIFFERENT FOOTBALL MATCHES SIMULTANEOUSLY! ’CONNORS Hall Street, Chelmsford, CM2 0HG. goodd home-cookedd foodd servedd lunchtimes,, speciall m0nthlyy drinkss promotions,, terrificc atmosphere,, probablyy thee bestt pintt off draughtt guinnesss servedd anywheree inn chelmsford,, fulll SKYY TVV sportss package Tel:: 012455 299126 ....comee on,, whatt aree youu waitingg for???? Page 10 20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit ‘the target’. 21. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 22. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 23. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 24. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were. 25. I always take life with a grain of salt - plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila. 26. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Dept. usually uses water. Did you enjoy those, readers? Personally speaking, I’d had enough by about number eight cos that’s just the way things seem to be where I’m concerned of late. To have had diahoea for ten days solid (ha! - now there’s an oxymoron if ever there was one) and still not feel right has really left me totally out of sorts/kilter. [email protected] The Edge 01245 348256 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 15:10 Page 11 David Sherman’s BEVERAGE REPORT The British brewing industry was rocked to its foundations at the beginning of August by the announcement that CAMRA’s much-coveted Champion Beer of Britain Award had been won by an Essex beer that’s actually worth drinking. Breaking with convention, judges assembled by the consumer organisation named Oscar Wilde, from Maldon’s Mighty Oak brewery, the country’s finest beer. Noted beerwriter James Roberts said, “This really is quite unprecedented. Previously, there’s been an unwritten rule saying that a beer from Essex can only win this award if it has soapy undertones and such a high hop-rate that consuming more than a couple of pints of it gives David Sherman indigestion. But this isn’t true of Oscar Wilde at all. It’s actually a really good beer, with a pleasant balance of fruit, roast and sweetness, and a gentle roasty bitterness in the finish.” Crown Prince Zumuat Bez-Ali who chairs the International Council of Beer Drinkers, described the result as ‘a very welcome surprise’ and said that he hoped other organisations would take note and start rewarding brewers for producing ‘traditional quaffing beer instead of freak-show exhibition pieces with little value beyond that of novelty’. However, not all drinkers were so pleased with the outcome. One policeman in Tottenham was so angry he shot someone. Angry protestors took over the streets in Birmingham shouting, ‘More awards for yellow beer!’ and began setting fire to cars and buildings. They also broke into shops in order to steal cans of similar products - no thefts of decent beer were reported. The popularity of unpalatable Essex beers in recent beer competitions has been the cause of much controversy in the county, not least among people who can’t www.theedgemag.co.uk read properly. In one incident last year, a journalist was issued with death threats after he suggested that this was in part the result of a brainwashing campaign that belittled the public and exploited the feeble-minded. The feebleminded evidently took exception to this. In the world of politics, David Cameron cut his holiday short in order to congratulate the judges on their wisdom. Announcing plans to ‘halt the slow-motion moral collapse’ of the cask-ale industry, he set up a commission to look into how people with poor taste could continue to be kept away from breweries and judging panels. His speech to Parliament on the subject echoed his ‘Hug a Beardy’ address to the Conservative Party conference in 2007, in which he emphasised the value of encouraging people to drink decent beer. Kenneth Clarke said, “This result confirms what I said in April. Not all Essex beers are equally bad. Some are very bad indeed, and judges should treat them harshly. Some are actually very good, and it’s good to see that in this case, the judges have acted accordingly.” Tom Paulin, disagreeing with Germaine Greer, noted that (continued on page 94). On other pages - Shock figure of 36 UK pubs ‘still open’ (P.9) Government minister claims beer tax ‘less than £70 per pint’, (p.4) CAMRA - Real ale ‘not responsible’ for death of Amy Winehouse (p.20) Paul Gambaccini - Amy Winehouse ‘not responsible’ for death of real ale (p.21) Pictures of big fat men with ginger beards at Great British Beer Festival (p.3, 5, 6, 7, 8, etc.) Oscar Wilde is available at The Orange Tree in Lower Anchor Street and the Wheatsheaf in Writtle. Go try it. Page 11 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 12:01 Page 12 nicce nice NYHZZJ\[[PUNSH^UJHYLOLKNL^VYRZ[PK`\WWY\UPUN[\YMPUN^LLKJVU[YVS NYHZZJ\[[PUNSH^UJHY LOLKNL^VYRZZ[PK`\WWY\UPUN[\YMPUN^LLK J VU[YVS let us m make make your garden a place plaace that hat you can relax in..... LOCAL s Jacqueline O’Neill FOR A FREE QUOTE QUOTE CALL MARKK ON: 01245 249050 2490550 [email protected] linson@ @nicenstripy.com www www.nicenstripy.com .nicenstripy. com [V[HSNHYKLUTHPU[LUHUJLWH[PVHUKKYP]L^H`JSLHUPUNMLUJL^VYRN\[[LYJSLHYHUJL [V[HSNHY KLUTHPU[LUHUJLWH[PVHUK KYP]]L^H`JSLHUPUNMLUJL^VYR N\[[LYJSLHHYHUJL Trees folk who run the railways haven’t a bloody clue All types of trees lopped, topped, shaped or cut back (i.e. from overhead cables), hedge trimming etc. Landscaping FREE QUOTATIONS! Paving Rotivating, turfing, decking, patios, fencing, garden design, play ares, gardens shingled to reduce maintenance etc. Block paving, crazy paving, driveway sealing, repair work, drainage solutions, Tarmac (red or black), shingle, concrete, all types of brickwork etc. Mini-Digger with driver. Astroturf specialists. H ghwood d Landscapes & Purrfectt Paving T E L E P H O N E 0 1 2 4 5 4 2 2 7 1 2 o r 0 7 7 11 6 0 6 5 6 1 D FOO E IEN HYG G IN RAT S! AR 5 ST MARQUEE FOR HIRE! Newly refurbished marquee now available for viewing for 2011-12 bookings. MONDAY-THURSDAY NO CHARGE! Friday-Sunday from just £250 Can comfortably hold 60 people or be extended to accomodate up to 200 people. Beau MAR tiful Q from UEE just £250 T R I B U T E N I G H T S (inc. 2-course diner + coffee) Thursday 1st December: ROBBIE WILLIAMS £22.95 Thursday 8th December: MICHAEL JACKSON (£24.95) Thursday 15th December: TOM JONES (£22.95) CHRISTMAS MENU OUT NOW! 4-courses from only £9.95 HUGH RAINY JAZZ BAND every Tuesday evening KARAOKE every Sunday! FRIDAY NIGHTS DRINKS PROMOPTION sponsored by AJ Wines & Beers Ltd. Buy your first glass of House Wine for £2.85 and get the remainder of the bottle for FREE! CARLING just £2 a pint BUD & BECKS £1.50 (available 8pm-midnight throughout Sept.)* LIVE BANDS in OCTOBER: 7th - ARIZONA 21st - EAST of JAVA excludes a la carte **Drinks rink offer ffer ex l de l restaurant rte re t Page 12 14th - HEDGEHOG 28th - REVOLVER www.lodge-country-inn.co.uk Hayes Chase, Burnham Road (A132), Nr. Battlesbridge SS11 7QT. TEL: 01245 320060 r nt As any bloke down the pub will no doubt tell you (oh look, here’s one, above), the folk who run the railway network clearly haven’t got a bloody clue. Forgetting, for one moment, the sad fact that they cannot even get their trains to run on time (or on leaves for that matter), and that their carriages are both uncomfortable, overcrowded and are often full of marauding goats, they seemingly cannot even target their advertising correctly either. Take Bazza (above). He’s twigged it, yet he’s merely procrastinating with a right refreshing bottle of beer, as opposed to being some ludicrously overpaid jerk up town who amasses a load of railway hoardings into a package, gives it a right jazzy name (such as ‘The Network South East’, er, ‘Jazz Package’) and then desperately tries to flog it to the likes of Sainsburys and VW, telling them what an “amazing captive audience” they’ll be reaching....before getting his knob out for extra added emphasis. Trouble is, mate, what you’re failing to understand is that your mute messages are falling on deaf ears as the R.P.A. (railway punter audience) are primarily an unreceptive lot, due to the fact that they feel the piss is continually being taken out of them (and they’re not wrong there either). What the railway networks also fail so miserably to understand is that there’s a flip side to their hoardings which is a revenue opportunity they are currently failing to exploit (stroke: thieve). Look at ‘our man down the pub’ once again, readers (smile, Bazza) and see whether you can spot it? Yes, that’s bloody right, the rear of those two 48-sheet hoardings up on Chelmsford’s platform 2 ought to be turned into ‘advertising opportunities’ directed towards the ‘captive audience’ sat drinking in the sunshine (weather permitting) out the back of The Plough. Did you know that it has been scientifically proven that punters are far more responsive to advertising if they are in a G.F.M. (good fecking mood - which is precisely why The Edge works so very well) and hell, you’re never in a better frame of mind than when you’re down the pub having a few bevies. So what the backside (Backside Advertising Inc.) of these hoardings ought to be saying is stuff like: “Oh! Slob People! Stop enjoying yourselves and get yourselves down to Fitness First/Virgin (add name of gym).” Or how about: “Don’t drink and drive...catch the train instead.” (See, the railway networks would never even think of something so simple as this. Why? Because they constantly wander around with their heads stuck up their arses, that’s why.) Or alternatively, Mrs Bazza could rent one of the hoardings out herself (because they won’t fetch anywhere near the rate of the hoardings on the platforms) and it could say: “Come home, Bazza....your tea’s ready, pet!” To comment on this article, email [email protected] NO, WE DON’T LIKE YOU, AND YES, WE ARE COMING TO GET YOU! The Edge 077 646 797 44 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 11:46 Page 13 **** AUSTRALIANS DON’T GIVE A about ANY OTHER CHELMSFORD MAG! Check this out, readers:G'day Shaun, This is Grahame Ashby in Australia. My brother-in-law John Gower from Chelmsford sends me a copy of The Edge every month and I really look forward to receiving it and reading it very much indeed. My kind of mag and my kind of humour. Anyway, John suggested I send you a photo of my good self holding a recent copy of your organ taken outside one of our watering holes, a famous tourist attraction here on the Sunshine Coast called The Ettamogah Pub. Wishing you continued success in the future with such a great publication. Best Regards, Grahame Ashby Neat, huh? And how old is Grahame? Yet another one in the eye for all folk who simply don’t get that The Edge isn’t an age thing, or about some poxy socio economic grouping or other. It’s just about real people tuning-in on a specified wavelength. And can you honestly imagine any other local publication getting sent half way around the world? No, I bloody well can’t either! CHRISTMAS & NEW YEAR BOOKINGS NOW BEING TAKEN! MONDAY - THURSDAY LUNCHTIMES Fixed price menu: 1 course £8.95 2 courses £11.95 3 courses £14.95 THURSDAYS - STEAK NIGHT Join us for a great selection of juicy, delicious 28day aged steaks.And what’s more we’ve also got selected bottles of wine for only £10! FRIDAYS 5pm-7pm Bottles of fizz from only £15 – start your weekend with us! RELAXED SUNDAYS Chill out with all the Sunday papers and mugs of tea and coffee – or a Bloody Mary if you need one! • The Griffin famous roasts – from £12.95 2 courses for £15 • Free pizzas for children every Sunday night (with paying adults) • Free WIFI • We’re open from 12 noon to midnight every day • Food served12-3ish and 6-10ish Monday to Friday, all day Saturday and Sunday (Sandwiches and grazing boards available all day) 10% DISCOUNT on presentation of this voucher! Everestt Gurkhaa Barr & Restaurant THE GRIFFIN, 64 MAIN ROAD DANBURY, CHELMSFORD, ESSEX CM3 4DH Telephone: 01245 699024 • info@griffindanbury.co.uk www.griffindanbury.co.uk 8-10 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford, CM1 1SN. (Near The Ship) TEL: 01245 493929 MOBILE: 0791 4811 756 www.everestgurkharestaurantchelmsford.co.uk www.theedgemag.co.uk BOOK NOW FOR CHRISTMAS & CHRISTMAS DAY! Page 13 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 12:03 Page 14 Can a new ‘syrup’ improve your performance? The Edge loves footie but tries not to write about it on account of the fact that it doesn’t think its lady readership would approve. However, if I try to dress this up by talking about hair do’s, maybe, just maybe, we can get away with it. “Oi, baldy?” whispers Rio Ferdinand to Wazza and the Manchester United striker appears forlorn. So the brand new season; brilliant, or what? I know that ‘money is the beetroot of all evil’, but how bloody exciting is it now that Manchester City are also in the frame for the Premiership crown? Speaking of crowns tho’, it’s the boy Rooney who’s recently been grabbing all of the headlines, and not just because of his early season promise. He just looks like a totally different person and his confidence levels appear to have been boosted to an incredible degree, all after having an industrial strength carpet tile riveted to his skull. He looks a bit like an Action Man toy these days, don’t you think? What a transformation. Just look at him (left). He appears (as miserable as Fulham’s Danny Murphy always does) to have the weight of the world on his shoulders. Only now look at him (right) and he could definitely pass for one of Brad Pitt’s cousins. Rooney’s new mop is the principle reason why Manchester United are proving yet again to be the team to beat if you want to raise any silverware in Blighty. Having said that, The Edge has been reasonably impressed with what’s been going on over at Anfield and with wily old Scot ‘King Kenny’ now occupying the hot seat, can he really restore the glory days of Paisley and Shanks? Probably not; but he’s going to give it a damn good shot and that’s what’s making the early months of the brand new season all the more exciting. Me and Edge columnist Steve Ward compiled our Premiership predictions before the season began and we chose exactly the same ‘top 5’ in exactly the same order; now surely that’s not a good sign? They are Man. Utd., Chelsea, Man. City, Liverpool, Arsenal. However, it’s not so clear cut at the other end, for while we’ve both got Swansea for relegation, Steve reckons Norwich and Wolves will accompany them, whilst I plumped for Blackburn and Wigan - but after the start the latter have made and a couple of decent signings Steve Kean has made at Ewood Park, I’m wondering if he might actually not be the first Premiership manager to get the chop. Speaking of which, my former school chum Peter Jackson won the entire Football League Sack Race by becoming the first managerial casualty of the season when he resigned from his post at Bradford City in August - what the hell’s all that about? I need to confess to being merely an armchair supporter and unusual in so far as I don’t follow any one club, whereas Wardo’s a died in the wool Yid who never misses a home game at White Hart Lane. But I’ve told him his chairman, Daniel Levy, has dropped one almighty clanger by not accepting Chelski’s bid of £40m for midfield maestro Luca Modric - but hey, I guess there’s always the January Transfer Window to look forward to. Thing is, Spurs have almost been everyone’s favourite ‘second club’ for the past couple of seasons, due to the magnificent job ’Arry has done, yet we both reckon they’re going to be little more than also rans this term. And after the Euro’s, what then? Will ’Arry become the next England manager? The Edge honestly reckons the whole England set up is a bloody fiasco. The F.A. should simply appoint a clearly intelligent bloke, such as Steve Coppell, offer him a 25 year contract and say, “Right, get “Brilliant barnet now, lad,” reckons John Terry. “You should come and play for us at Chelski.” on with it, our kid.” It’s absolutely crackers drafting in new coaches with new ideas every couple of seasons. The national team needs long-term strability and the likes of Steve Coppell and, perhaps, Trevor ‘don’t sit on the fence for too long or you’ll get splinters in your arsecheeks’ Brooking should certainly be a part of it. But let’s end on Rooney’s wonderweave as it’s, “Absolutely fantastic, Barry. I’m over the moon and really excited about it. What’s thirty grand, eh? Not even a weeks wages.” Mia Whitmore PHOTOGRAPHY Unique and Contemporary Portrait Photography *EQMPMIW;IHHMRK )RKEKIQIRX 1YQW8S&I&EFMIW 'LMPHVIR 'LMPHVIR´W4EVXMIW4VSQ(VIWW &SYHSMV&YWMRIWW4SVXVEMXW4IXW 07972 086701 www.miawhitmorephotography.co.uk Having recently met Mia Whitmore, The Edge can honestly say that if you would like to have some professional portrait photographs taken, then you can’t go wrong with this friendly young lass (lady). Preferring to take people’s photographs in the comfort of their own homes, or at a favourite local haunt, it makes for an incredibly relaxed and informal photographic experience. Mia set up her own photography business early this year after leaving the heady world of marketing to spend more time with her child and she is steadily building a reputation for unique and contemporary photographs. She covers all types of portraiture, including families, mums-to-be, prom dress, pets, business portraits and candid shots at weddings and children’s parties etc. In addition to Mia’s standard rates and packages, which are extremely reasonable, The Edge has to say, Mia also offers Gift Vouchers for an hours photo shoot and A4 canvas print, starting from £65 (for pet portrait) that would surely make an ideal birthday present or Christmas gift. Based in Chelmsford, Mia is fully CRB checked and has a natural way with children (being a mum herself probably has something to do with that) that delivers the kind of photographs that capture the true personality of a child. Upon production of the voucher below, EDGE readers will receive a FREE A5 photographic print with every booking made before the end of October 2011. So what are you waiting for readers, huh?! FREE A5 Photographic Print Quote ‘theEDGE 10.11’ when booking Page 14 The Edge 077 646 797 44 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 14:19 Page 15 BACK INN TIME goes Back In Time! We are officially "THE OLDEST DINER IN TOWN" ESTABLISHED IN 1986 WE WILL BE 25 IN NOVEMBER ALL AMERICAN RESTAURANT We are celebrating our 25th Birthday every day this November by reproducing our original menu WITH ORIGINAL PRICES !!! All the old favourites will be there: THE GOOD BEGINNINGS Soup Chilli Nachos Little Rib Off Corn on the cob Love At First Bite Prawn Cocktail Chicken fingers 95p £1.95 £1.95 £1.95 95p £2.15 £1.65 £1.95 HOUSE SPECIALITIES Big Rib Off Breast Of The Times Join Our Club Double Dealer Chick - Inn Time Surf & Turf £5.25 £4.95 £4.65 £5.35 £4.95 £5.95 THE AMERICAN TRADITION Back Inn Time Burger Smother Brother Cheese OK! What! No Meat Bacon Your Pardon Hey Gringo Chilli £3.95 £4.25 £4.25 £4.35 £4.25 £4.25 STEAKSIDE New York Strip Prime 3/4lb Rump £5.85 £6.95 FINAL FLINGS Choc Fudge Sundae Simply Outrageous Open Sundae Eat As Much As You Can Choc Mousse Banana Groove Fresh Strawberry Shortcake £1.45 £3.25 £1.55 £1.95 £2.15 £1.85 Coffee (refills on us) Thick Milk Shakes 50p 95p n Timerun n I k c a B family r is still raant and ovfe a restaust quarter o e the latury we hav a cen med over ... welco customers million ...we thank you all! Victoria Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1NY • Tel: (01245) 269983 We’re Open: 6.00 Til Late Monday-Friday • 5.30 Til Late Saturday • All Day Sunday www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 15 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 12:34 Page 16 PERKS OF THE JOB! By the time you readers get around to reading this, your editor will just have returned from a week spent at a high class Portomaso 2-bedroom apartment at St. Julian’s harbour front, Malta....and I’ve had a right bloody tickle, I tell thee! Y’see, someone I kind of know (well, I know what he does and he knows what I do, but that’s pretty much about it, if you know what I mean) got in touch and said, “Look, the thing of it is, I rent out my beautiful apartment in Malta, only I’m sick and tired of renting it to Jocks and Geordies and Scousers and Brummies and.....I’d far rather rent it to a whole load of really nice local Essex people.” “Aye,” said I. And this is the best bit, readers, and you’re proper going to hate me for it. “So how do you fancy,” he continued,” taking your missus over for a weeks autumnal sunshine and writing a bit about it in that there rag of yours and I’ll only charge you atishoo, cough, really can’t mention it etc?” “Well, sir,” said I, “I very much think you may well have gotten yourself a Apparently it’s one of these harbour front apartments, recently valued at a cool 750,000 euros. Page 16 This is the private pool area that sort of ‘comes with the apartment’..... only at an additional cost of 10 euros per person per day! deal there, fella. All things considered and what have thee.” Well, what could I say, readers? After all, what would you have said in my shoes, hmmmm? The truth of the matter is that Malta was somewhere we were always going to visit at some point, only seeing as opportunity has well and truly knocked, hell, why bother waiting? Anyway, I’ll let you know how we got on in the forthcoming November editions. However, I do have an immediate concern in the shape of the additional cost required to visit the private pool area (does this bloke honestly not realise that I’m a Yorkshireman?) and the extortionate prices they will no doubt charge for drinks once they’ve got you in there. No, no, no, no, no. Sod that for a lark. That is something I just cannot be poking up with, no matter what this particular holiday hasn’t ended up costing us (that’s not the point)....so no doubt I will also be reporting about the nearest free local beaches too, readers, arf, arf. On the thorny subject of cost, you’re probably looking at between 500 to 1,000 euros to rent this luxurious apartment per week, depending upon the time of year (and availability remaining). So in the first instance, log onto holidaylettings.co.uk and in the small grey box (top right) that says ‘Search: Home ID, Location, FAQ...’ punch in 77983 and....VOILA! The Edge 077 646 797 44 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 12:34 Page 17 NO MORE NERDS... NO MORE NERDS... Johnson Technical Systems Johnson Technical Systems is a highly dedicated company specialising in outsourced IT network support for small to medium businesses. are a highly dedicated company specialising in outsourced IT Support for small and medium sized businesses. They provide day-to-day support and manage internal projects such as office moves and network upgrades. A recent example is Gamit Ltd. who provide asset management to the aviation industry. They already held a contract with Johnson Technical for day-to-day support, but required help with their move to a purpose built warehouse and office facility at the M11 Business Park, close to Stansted Airport. We’re so confident you’ll find our service second to none, any new annual contract signed before November 1, 2011 will be entitled to 50% discount from our support program for the first three months. Gamit Ltd. used the opportunity whilst moving to upgrade their entire IT infrastructure which included new software, workstations and a new server. Nadeem, who oversees the day-to-day running of the business, explains, "Migrations can inherently be problematic, but thanks to Johnson Technical, the project was entirely stress-free, due to the fact that it was so professionally executed. In a nutshell, we were able to leave our old premises on a Friday afternoon and when we arrived at our new premises for work on the Monday, we had a completely new, fully operational IT Network, which was absolutely marvellous." The core of the Johnson Technical business is the Helpdesk which provides clients with unlimited telephone and on-site support where technicians can usually resolve 95% of issues within minutes. However, for more serious problems which cannot be resolved remotely, on-site support is provided at no additional cost. Never ones to shy away from problem solving, Gamit Ltd. needed to link their offices and warehouse which stands 400 metres apart. To enable this, Johnson Tehnical installed a radio link which saved the business the high ongoing costs that are associated with most alternative options. Nadeem explains, "The requirement for a solution to our problem was apparent and the radio link has worked flawlessly for over a year, allowing the business facilities to communicate and fulfill orders effectivy and efficiently." If you run a business and you’d like to get a second opinion about your IT requirements, why not have a chat with Johnson Technical. And if you still need convincing, Johnson Technical Systems are currently offering a 90 day trial period where we can prove our worth to your business. ...JUST REAL PEOPLE Call Nick Johnson on 01277 888799 or email [email protected] THE CROWN 3KRWRE\0LFKDHO7D\ORU The Green, Sandon, Chelmsford CM2 7SH f /DUJHFRXUW\DUGJDUGHQWRWKHUHDU f *DWHKRXVHIXQFWLRQURRPDYDLODEOHIRUSULYDWHKLUH f 7KUHHUHDODOHVDQGWZRJXHVWDOHVDOZD\VRQWDS f*RRGIRRGVHUYHGHYHU\OXQFKWLPHDQGIURP 7XHVGD\WR6DWXUGD\HYHQLQJVZLWKGDLO\VSHFLDOV f &RV\LQWLPDWHUHVWDXUDQWIRUUHOD[HGGLQLQJ %22.12:)25&+5,670$6 &KULVWPDV'D\dSS FRXUVHVWZRVLWWLQJVSPDQGSP %R[LQJ'D\dSS FRXUVHVDYDLODEOHIURPSP 1HZ<HDUV(YHdSS LQFOXGLQJHQWHUWDLQPHQWIURPSP &KULVWPDV0HQX FRXUVHVd FRXUVHVd $YDLODEOHIURPWKHVWWRWK'HFHPEHU OXQFKWLPHVDQGHYHQLQJV0RQGD\VSP 7XHVGD\WR6DWXUGD\SP6XQGD\VSP 7UDGLWLRQDO6XQGD\URDVWVFRXUVHd FRXUVHVdFRXUVHVd /LNHXVDWWKHFURZQVDQGRQ www.theedgemag.co.uk &DOOWR PDNHDUHVHUYDWLRQ Page 17 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 YOUR letters & emails 12:35 Page 18 The Shermanator In response to the letter from that Catholic bloke last month, if someone can’t distinguish between a lump of bread and the body of Christ, then they’re really not qualified to lecture people (i.e. you, Shaun) on the subtle distinctions between ‘active’ and ‘passive’ uses P.S. The active use if the verb means the object of the sentence is performing the action. The passive use means the action is being performed to the subject. So ‘I was sat’ implies the passive, as in ‘The waiter took my coat and I was sat at a table towards the rear of the restaurant’. The waiter performed Riveting Dear Edge, Spotted this sign whilst our rambling on the south coast of England and thought of you! this month’s star testicle! And??? Mrs. A. Saxon Chelmsford E.E. Coffee to theedge! CHELMSFORD, CM2 6XD. [email protected] Hitler the Cat Dear Edge, Here’s a picture of our cat. Can you guess why we call him what we do? James Rawlinson Braintree Errrrrr, is it because it’s antiJewish for some unfathomable feline reason? E.E. Five Dear Sir, The Edge is seemingly comprised of 32 pages and your mug-shot was on five of them last month. Thank God you declined Michelle’s kind invitation to sort out your ‘back, sack’n’crack’ as that would have increased the burden even further Yours (I like to think) observantley, Joe Danter Great Leighs My dear boy, I do so apologise as I appreciate I am not the most photogenic of chaps. I must remember that The Edge is not my own personal photograph album, damnit! E.E. Page 18 Dear Edge, Thought you might appreciate this photo of an Italian bloke my friend Wendy and I spotted whilst we were on holiday recently. The sign he’s relaxing in front of says ‘NO BALL GAMES’. He actually slept like a baby for ages until his wife eventually noticed his indiscretion and woke him up. Jools Morris. Jools, you don’t happen to know a local bloke called Jan Attrell, do you (this is him on the left), because The Edge reckons you might have actually photographed him whilst he was on his holidays of late? The two fellows do actually look like one and the same, don’t you think? Instead of people finding this sort of mishap offensive though, The Edge reckons it’s good to see otherwise hardworking men relaxing, and if that means there ‘plums’ are relaxing too, then hey, what the hell ....it really is no big deal? E.E. of past-tense verb-forms. Yours, David Sherman. You know what, readers, there’s nowt that lad doesn’t know and whilst that there Wolverine character (see page 26) might physically pierce you with those ultralong fingernails of his, The Shermanator can literally splice you in two with mere words, which is a far better armoury to possess in The Edge’s book. Speaking of Wolverine tho’, have any of you ever wondered why Kingpin’s column always has that picture of the X-Lax Man on it? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s because he bloody well fancies him, the ruddy great short tart. E.E. the action because he sat you somewhere. ‘I was sitting’ is the active because it’s something you did for yourself. But (and oh my God, the plot thickens here) ‘sat’ can be used as an adjective to describe the historic state of something or someone. So ‘I was sat’ can in fact be used in exactly the same way as ‘I was cold’ or I was tired’. So whoever sent you that email is an idiot. That was The Shermanator once again, if you didn’t realise it, and the guy who sent in the email to which The Shermanator is referring is Ev Lucas (sorry Ev, but you did), only please for gawd’s sake don’t counter reply as these things then drag on and on and on etc. E.E. Dear Edge, Where would you say serves the nicest cup of coffee in Chelmsford? Yours inquisitively, Stella Blackman Beaulieu Park Funnily enough, Colin makes a nice brew round at C&C Autos where I get my Edgemobile serviced, Stella, although you might find you vacate their premises with a couple of oily handprints on your backside, were you to pop round and ask him for a chocca mocha skinny latte. E.E. John Malkovich Dear Sir, I popped into Asda at Chelmer Village the other evening and was surprised to see they’d made a right effort and had carpeted all around the entrance/exit doors. Yours faithfully, John Malkovich. Bloody hell, John,The Edge noticed that too. Ahem. Not that it ever shops there, mind. E.E. Maltese Government Dear Edge, Is there any chance you could kindly not come to Malta as we don’t particularly approve of Northern Tykes. Yours expectantly, Lawrence Gonzi Prime Minister of Malta Too late, me old fruit, I’ve already concluded negotiations with Sleazyjet and am reyt looking forward to coming. So can you tell me what is the nearest pub to St. Julian’s that serves a right refreshing pint of Barnsley Bitter at room temperature and none of that extra cold malarkey? Also, I shall definitely be wanting somewhere close at hand that serves an awesome full English breakfast from 9:00am ’til midnight plus Sunday Roasts five days a week. E.E. The Edge 077 646 797 44 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 12:47 Page 19 theEDGE DVD REVIEW DVD review LOVED IT! This is one of those flicks that’s easy to watch, yet oh so well put together. I had the gross misfortune to watch Hall Pass the other evening, which was inept. When you consider the vast sums that go into producing movies, you wonder how the makers of Hall Pass can get it so blatantly wrong, whilst the producers of Tamara Drewe simply nailed it. WARNING: You do not need to wear your wellies to watch this movie, but as it’s set in a place called ‘the countryside’ (where people poke their noses into other peoples business), you may get more out of it if you do. Tamara (Gemma Arterton) returns to Ewedown, where the majority of the locals remember her for having a bit of a schnoz in the middle of her face, though she’s now an elegant swan after rhinoplasty. And these days she’s a glitzy columnist in London, don’t you know, has a pop star beau on her arm, and decides to employ ex-boyfriend Andy (Luke Evans) to ‘do up’ the old family home in order to make a quick killing. Then there’s Beth (Tamsin Greig) and Nicholas Hardiment (Roger Allam); he a fantastically self-important and successful crime novelist, whilst his wife runs a ‘retreat’ for would-be writers in the idyllic form of a series of ever so quaint chalets in the grounds of their beautiful home. ’Course, Nicholas merely treats his wife’s female guests as potential sexual fodder and has absolutely no intention of helping them with their craft, whilst Beth has grown so used to slaving away and keeping both the home and everyone in it tout sweet that somewhere along the line she’s also become accustomed to turning a blind eye to her husband’s philanderings. “She’s poured herself into those shorts,” she says upon Tamara’s return, “I hope they don’t give her thrush.” So drop whatever you’re doing this weekend and fit this movie in. It’s as refreshing as diving into an ice-cold lake (sort of). I’d definitely happily watch it again. )XOO\ÀWWHGEDWKURRPVVXSSOLHGDQGÀWWHGIURP £3495.00 Bathrooms, Ensuites, Cloakrooms, Wetrooms, Shower rooms Building work, Heating, Plumbing, Electrics, Tiles, Flooring, Carpentry, Ideal Standard, NoCode, Aqualisa Hi-Qu, Bette, Kaldewei, 6KRZHUOX[0+6UDGLDWRUV0RQWURVHÀWWHGIXUQLWXUH )XOO\ÀWWHGNLWFKHQVVXSSOLHGDQGÀWWHGIURP £3495.00 Building work, Granite, Lighting, Tiles, Flooring Appliances, Sinks and taps, Electrics, Wood worktops K Kitchens, Made to measure kitchens, Granite, Solid wood worktops, Franke sink and taps, Abode, Appliances )XOO\ÀWWHGDGDSWHGVKRZHUURRPIURP£3995.00 )XOO\ÀWWHGZDONLQEDWKURRPIURP£5995.00 3OHDVHSKRQHIRU\RXUIUHHQRREOLJDWLRQVXUYH\DQGTXRWDWLRQ )ULHQGO\SURIHVVLRQDOVHUYLFH /DUJHHQRXJKWRFRSHVPDOOHQRXJKWRFDUH Family run business Bathtub &KHOPVIRUG6KRZURRP 0DOGRQ6KRZURRP 122 Byron road 1A Edward Bright Close &KHOPVIRUG Maldon Bathrooms and Kitchens Essex CM2 6HJ Essex CM9 5RU Tel : 01245 269778 Tel : 01621 859966 ZZZEDWKWXERQOLQHFRXN All DVD’s fired from Blockbuster, Springfield Road, Chelmsford. Beaujolais ujolaiis Day 17th November N TThe he h W Wine ine i eC Cellar ellar e is resurrecting recting the th he ffamous amous a run to France ance for the rrelease elease of this Beaujolais. his yyears ears B eaujolais. 2 ccourse ourse £11.95 3 ccourse ourse £15.95 Bookings ookings Now N Being Taken 01245 349646 www.thewinecellarchelmsford.co.uk winecellarrchelmsford.co.ukk No4. Dukess Str Street eet Chelmsford. Chhelmsford. CM11HL L The Wine Wine Cellar C B A R & B I S T R O EXCLUSIVE OFFER TThroughout hroughout O October ctob ber - fr free ee desser dessertt with ev every erry main meal W Wednesday ednesday tto o SSaturday aturday evenings...6pm - 9pm. evenings...6pm B ookings recommended. recomm mended. Bookings CHRISTMAS BOOKINGS NOW BEING TAKEN A place place to to start starrt your your night, night, en enjoy njoy your your night night and and finish your an your night. n t. nigh The Edge 01245 348256 Page 19 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 ONLY JOKING! Men With Short... A man goes into a book shop and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have that new book in stock for men with short penis's? Sorry, miss, I can't remember the title.” She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man says, "That's the one. I'll take a copy." Harry Potter I’ve just seen the latest Harry Potter film, but it’s a bit unrealistic for me. Like, a ginger kid, with two friends? Leave it out. When Opportunity Knocks A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money. Once the cash is handed over, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?” The man replies, “Yes, absolutely.” So the robber shoots him dead. Then he turns to an old couple standing next to him and asks the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?” The old chap thinks on his feet and replies, “I didn't, but I'm pretty sure my wife did.” The Good Old Days I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the good old days when if you spotted an unattended bag on a bus or a train, I’d think, "I'm having that." Busy Busy Busy A man is busy shagging a 30 stone woman he picked up after last orders had been called down at his local. He says, “Can we have the light off?” She says, “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He says, “No. It’s just the bulb’s burning my arse.” 12:36 Page 20 Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day his dog died, so Muldoon went to see the parish priest and said, “Fartha, me dog is dead, so could ya be saying' a mass for the poor creature?” Father Patrick replied, “I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for animals in church. But there are some Baptists down the lane and there's no tellin’ what they believe. Perhaps they'll do somethin’ for the poor creature.” Muldoon says, “Thank you, Fartha, I'll go right away. Do ya think £5,000 will be enough to donate to thee Baptists for the service?” Father Patrick put his arm around Muldoon’s shoulder and said, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why the heck didn't ya tell me your dog was a Catholic?” Something’s Wrong I woke up this morning at eight and could immediately smell something was wrong. When I got downstairs, I found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, stone dead. Well, I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Only then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30am. Jenny A man was sitting reading his ’paper when his wife hit him around the head with a frying pan. “What the bloody hell was that for?” he cried. His wife said, “I’ve just found a piece of paper in your other trousers with the name Jenny written on it.” Her husband replied, “You daft bugger. I wore those trousers to the races the other night and Jenny was the name of a horse I put a bet on.” Well, his wife was beside herself with apologies and went to fetch him some ice-cubes wrapped in a tea towel for the swelling on his head. Then, but a few days later, her husband is watching TV when she almost knocks him unconscious with the frying pan. “Now what?” he says, holding his throbbing head in his hands. His wife replied, “Your horse ’phoned.” "My God!" I said. "You wouldn’t think a person could carry on celebrating that long." Gynaecological Visit A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish when she visited her gynaecologist. “Come, come now,” coaxed her doctor. “you've been seeing me for years. There's really nothing you shouldn’t be able to tell me.” “Oh, OK then,” she says, “but this one really is kind of strange.” “Let me be the judge of that,” says her doctor. “Well,” says the woman, “yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plinkplink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of one pence pieces.” “Hmmm, I see,” said the gynaecologist. “Then in the afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and plink-plink-plink, there were a whole load of two pence pieces in the bowl.” “Wow!” said the doctor, fascinated. “Then last night,” she continued, “I went to the loo once more and plink-plink-plink, the toilet was filled with five pence pieces. And hey, just this morning before I came to see you, plinkplink-plink, ten pence pieces! Doctor, you've simply got to tell me what's wrong with me as I'm scared out of my wits.” The gynaecologist moved around the table to put a comforting hand on her shoulder and said, “There, there, my dear, it's nothing to be scared about and there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with you. You're simply going through the change, that’s all.” Sound Advice My dear old grandaddy gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. “Thomas,” he said, “it’s always worth spending money on good speakers.” Literally Shaking I was walking down the road when I saw a bloke with a turban on his head standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" Suicidal Sexy Young Secretary I had a mate who was suicidal, and we are talking mega depressed here. So I decided to help him out by pushing him underneath a steam train. Hey, I never saw him look so chuffed. Two law partners hire a sexy, young secretary, and though they're both happily married, they agree to see who can score with her first. Eventually, one of them does so and his partner is eager to hear how things went. "Ah," replies his partner, "she was no great shakes. In fact, my wife’s better." Another couple of weeks go by and the second partner eventually gets lucky with the young secretary. "So?" asks the first partner, "what did you think?" The second partner replies, "You're right. Your wife is better." Essex Girl During a recent password audit, it was found that an Essex girl was using the following password: ‘MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDewey DonaldGoofyLondon’ When asked why she had such a long password, she explained she was told it must contain at least eight characters and one capital. Annual Check-Up Went to see a nurse for my annual check-up this morning and she told me I had to stop masturbating. “Why?” said I. “So’s I can examine you,” she said. High School Reunion My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion when she kept staring at a drunk slumped alone, drinking out of a whisky bottle. I asked her, "Do you know that man?" "Yes," she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I hear he took to drinking right after we split up all those years ago and he hasn't been sober since." Disabled Toilets Disabled toilets, somewhat ironically, are the only toilets big enough to run around in. Johnny & Joanna A woman takes eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he’s been caught red-handed playing doctors and nurses with Joanna, her eight-year-old daughter. But Johnny's mother says, "Oh, let's not be too harsh on them. After all, they’re bound to be curious about sex at their age." "Curious about sex?" replies Joanna's mother. "He's taken her bloody appendix out!" All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to [email protected] The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 12:55 Page 21 No, readers, this is not Andy Cresswell giving it some F.M.L. (Freddie Mercury LARGE - as in: ‘All we hear is RADIO GA-GA, RADIO GOO-GOO’). If you look very closely, you’ll actually see he’s got a kettlebell in his hand. OH H NO...IT’SS ONEE OFF THEM M THEREE PERSONALL FITNESS TRAINERS.. SH H T,, LET’SS HIDE! * Not getting the results you’d hoped for? Your gym not giving you the service you need to get there? Then you need Andy Creswell Personal Training! • Eat right, move more! • Bespoke training delivered to your door. • Strength & conditioning, cardiovascular, weight-loss, injury prevention and rehabilitation • Kettlebell - Advanced Instructor • 10 years industry experience in fitness management • Group exercise coach in spinning, boxing, body pump • Individual or small group sessions for you and your friends • Premises acquired for personal training studio and permanent 2.5 acre outdoor gym/outdoor training in 2012 V N AUTUMAL SPECI R OFFE S N CHINESE CUISINE All You Can Eat! OCTOBER ONLY served personally to your table! SPECIAL PRICE Sunday - Thursday: Adult £13.90 Child £6.90* Friday - Saturday: Adult £15.90 Child £6.90* * Children must be 10 years of age or under. 10% service charge is applicable with this offer. With a choice of 25 starters including soup, crispy duck and spare ribs, plus a selection of 75 main dishes including prawn, beef, chicken and much, much more! 136 MOULSHAM STREET, CHELMSFORD. TEL: 01245 290099 www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 21 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 12:55 Page 22 PLAY MORE MUSIC "After silence, that which comes closest to expressing the inexpressible is music." Aldous Huxley I'm writing this because I love music, writes Richard Hindle. I always have and I always will. At times in my life, it's been the only thing I’ve had that makes any sense - it has literally saved my soul. I know that music can heal division across race, culture and belief/political systems. Music has been with us since the start of human consciousness - it is perhaps only predated by art as the first 'spiritual activity' that helped us draw aspects of our subconscious minds into society as a valid expression of our sense of imagination and our inherent desire for progression. Through this expression we can change our sense of self and how we understand those around us for the better. My personal music journey began with Toyah Wilcox, ELO and Adam and the Ants (do keep reading, please!) - hanging around in my elder brother's bedroom, chatting about how cool certain sounds were. We had our own little thing going on. Since then, I've learned that Jeff Lyne (ELO) wrote the entirety of 'Out of the Blue' in two weeks flat, stuffed out of his face on cocaine. Good work, Jeff, you legendary snow plough, you! After this foray, I rapidly descended from rock, (God, I actually bought Bon Jovi's 'Slippery When Wet') into metal, then goth, psychedelia, followed by every extreme aural soundscape imaginable. The hunger inside me for extremity wasn't, in retrospect, about music; it was about the extremes of human consciousness - the crossover between conscious deliberation and subconscious freedom - still the eternal key to writing ‘good choons'. My brother soon gave up on being interested in my music collection. He became convinced I just liked 'weird for weird’s sake' (brother Lawrence, during this time I was still head-phoning Aha - though admittedly I kept this a bit quiet, given I was young and still concerned about looking cool in front of my peers). For a while I became a truly 'sensitive artist' - pop, or anything commercially acceptable, did not fit with my own sense of pushing conscious boundaries. But as I've aged and mellowed/given up, I've let pop back in (a bit). Recently I've loved the first half of Nero's 'Welcome Reality' album (drop the second half), whilst realising that 'yoof' has already passed beyond any Dubstep shenanigans, probably being old school given the album was released an awfully long time ago (in 2010)! Good music, to me, is about placing something where it needs to be and whilst I wouldn't pretend to really enjoy the entire X-Factor 'Karaoke Queen/King' soul-sucking belief that all talent has left humanity for good mentality, I'm far less judgmental of the whole proceedings (ish) these days. I've played in many bands since the age of 17 with varying degrees of absolutely no commercial success, from my first collaboration 'Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things' through to 'Siberian Space Disaster' and the current and best musicians I've had the pleasure to play with, 'Dead Dux'. To play music with good friends is a great honour. As a band, we are OLD - even the young un's in the band are in there 30's and I'm close to a decade on from them re: grey hairs. But we play together because we enjoy each other's company, perspective, passion, and we believe we have something musically valid to express. The majority of bands start because the members want to live the 'lifestyle' - drugs, sex, fame, fortune etc. Most give up in their early twenties when they realise that the only way to make money out of music is to learn covers and gig at functions like weddings, because in truth, there is no support for original and creative music in any way, shape or form - other than from a passionate and usually unpaid few. Don't believe the record companies responses to the digital age regarding the inability to fund new talent - most never gave a flying fxck about anything other than unit shifting. The current internet fuelled response to this means artists, as they did under record companies, still earn nothing from music, but at least they can express themselves and develop their own fan base away from cash hungry idiots telling them what is right or wrong regarding the most recent 'fifteen minutes of fame'. As a musician living in Chelmsford, it’s frustrating. Perhaps our proximity to London holds our town back, but our 'countryside cousins' in Colchester fair much better with every aspect of culture compared to Essex's capital (yeah, sorry council gentry, but we probably won't ever have enough crack heads, armed police or MUSIC VENUES to be considered a City, even if we do end up with a John Lewis!). There are a few local bastions of local music: Panic magazine (Andy Poole, Dan Hewitt, James Lapham, Lucy Jones, Dusk Daily, Kat Howchen, Paul Dale, David Arsoctt and crew), Shakey's Night's (Dave Wheelhouse) and those that support his efforts, Hooga (Marc, Jon and Jon) and maybe you can even include Captain Fleece (Brett) as well, given there are some excellent bands at The Fleece - as a manager his efforts have definitely facilitated Chelmsford's music scene. Generally, bands don't get paid for playing in Chelmsford. Shakey, having had experience with the gent (regarding our own band) always does his best to pay bands, but unless you bring in the crowd, you won't generally get paid and many venues will only have original ‘live’ music on a Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/we're empty night - and of course that's going to work (fail). For venues themselves, it's always got to be about the dollar - as with any business, you need cash to survive. This should be where local council has a far greater part to play. We do have funded events (The Fling etc.) but this is different to having a dedicated music venue where the pound sign doesn't rule creativity. If the Chelmsford music scene continues to be dictated by money, then there remains little future for music in Chelmsford. I attend a lot of music nights in our town and all too frequently they prove lacking in attendance. Whilst I've seen some fantastic local bands and met some truly great people, the only thing Chelmsford is known for regarding music is the ‘V festival’ which currently has nothing to offer local musicians who want a platform or audience to appreciate their efforts. Thanks Virgin/Branson - glad to know you care! In truth, I have very few solutions, but I think the start of it actually lies with bands and musicians. If you are in a band, then you should support other bands. If you love music (rather than merely trying to look good on stage), then why not attend each other's nights? If people who proclaim to love music can't even be bothered, then no-one else will be. But I will always live in hope and will always enjoy seeing bands I've not seen before, and go back for more of those I enjoy. I'm truly grateful for the effort a very few have made to making Chelmsford something more than just a shopping centre, and I can only hope that their efforts continue to make this town a far more fruitful and creative melting pot. Page 22 Pub Crawl: London When you decide the take a Friday off and go up to London for a day on the piss (as they say in the trade), I’m not sure whether it’s an admission of defeat in itself? I doubt whether my co-conspirators viewed our day out in much the same way, but I do seem to get to pinging point before quickly deciding that I simply have to get out.... of Chelmsford. The Likely Lads: (closest first) Kingpin, Captain Cutthroat and The Chopster. We certainly made damn sure there were four of us in order to get our cheap day return tickets for £9.95 each, which is surely all it ought to cost. Kingpin then admitted on the way up to town that he’d once stuck a marble up his bum as a child, so that brought on a few reminiscent tales (of simply playing with marbles as kids, as opposed to actually sticking them anywhere). We had our first pint at lunchtime outside The Old Thameside Inn as its name suggests right on the Thames at Pickfords Wharf, Clink Street (what a great name for a street), next to some ‘fake boat’ or other that no doubt Dame Ellen MacArthur probably circumnavigated the world in. I kicked off with a 5.1% Wispa whilst Kingpin and The Chopmeister opted for pints of Tribute, Captain Cutthroat favouring a Doom, such was his mood. We then popped round to The Rake in Borough Market (I just adore Borough Market) and had four halves, because get this: the nectar we were sipping cost £9.30 a pint (do try the Echt Kriekenbier a traditional Flemish cherry ale at 6.8% - but tastes like pop!). Then it was into the market itself to the lovely Cider Stall where the lads also opted for an ostrich burger for lunch (from the stall oppo- Cider Stall: Borough Market site) whilst I had a curry instead. After which it was a trip on the lovely Thames Clipper from London Bridge to the Embankment where they charge you £3.70 for but a couple of stops (like a twat, I insisted we buy our tickets at the dock, as opposed to on the clipper, which was a mistake as we never got asked to produce ’em). You pass The Founders Arms on the water and if you’ll take our advice, that’s as close as you want to get to the bloody place. We, on the other hand, were headed for The Coal Hole on the Strand as it’s a place Kingpin insists I once really liked, but honestly, lad, I think we must have been talking at cross-purposes as I cannot bloody abide it as it’s way too ‘obvious’ a location. The Lamb & Flag is much better, tucked away on Rose Street, just off Covent Garden, and that’s where Kingpin decided to switch to G&T’s as he was “getting full of beer” - the ruddy great tart. It was cab time then, over to Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese in Fleet Street (not before walking past a Gay Ice-Cream Bar at 15 Maiden Lane to get there, once we’d ditched the taxi after it got stuck in traffic), but it just didn’t seem to have the same magic as it had on a previous visit (funny/odd how that sometimes happens, don’t you think?). Anyway, that was where Chopsy dropped the bombshell that he’d be CONFIDENTIAL on the Sunday.......but that he’d definitely be wanting his widescreen TV back! Then it was another cab journey back to Liverpool Street where we learnt that some thoughtless bastard had decided to chuck themselves under a train at Romford (you’d think they’d have at least gotten the weekend out the way and topped themselves on the Monday morning), so we were forced, yes, forced to have a couple of jars outside a pub called Williams in Artillery Lane, and then The King Stores (daft name for a hostelry) in Widegate Street. Eventually caught the 7:45pm rattler back to Chelmsford (took a bloody age) and popped into The Golden Fleece (Duke Street), Sweeneys (“Hello Tom” in Tindal Street) and the all new and exceedingly impressive Bay Horse (Moulsham Street) before staggering home to our fartsacks. What a bunch of wasters, eh? Never again. www.theedgemag.co.uk The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 12:58 Page 23 Death Penalty Toothpaste Dictators MP Priti Patel wants to reintroduce the death penalty; she thinks it’s nice to kill people. Ah, bless her. “Are your teeth really clean?” those TV ads asks us. “Did you know that 2/3rds of your teeth are hidden below the surface?” they inform us. Now, you can use new Colgate to protect those hidden areas. Fxck me. What next? Is your arse really clean? Did you know that 90% of your arse is hidden? But now, you can buy the new Toilet Wizard. It’s a bloody great brush that you stick up your arse to clean those difficult to reach places, you gullible twats. We armed and supported Sadam Hussain, who became a brutal dictator while we turned a blind eye. Then we replaced this sadistic dictator with a corrupt and inept government; at the cost of thousands of British, American and Iraqi lives. Hundreds of British & American soldiers have been killed to install a corrupt and inept government in Afghanistan. It has just been announced that we will no longer deliver detainees to the new Afghan authorities’ prisons, as there is evidence of torture and murder. And now we are in the process of removing another brutal and sadistic dictator, Colonel Gadafi, after first supplying him with arms over the last 10 years before turning on him. He is being replaced by a brutal and sadistic rebel government, who we now recognise. Channel 4 News recently showed their reporter intervening in the detention of, and intended execution of, seven black African migrant workers. They tearfully begged the reporter to remain with them or they would be killed. So he remained and they were saved. Nearby, a bulldozer had just dug a big hole in the ground. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Bacteria The Grumpy Goose! Child Care There has been a lot in the media recently about the high cost of child care; how are parents supposed to have careers if they cannot find affordable child care. We all know the problem, life is great, the career is great, then, along comes the first child. How bloody inconvenient. What can I do with this annoying little thing? I know, pack it off to a stranger every day, like I do with the dog. It’s such a difficult problem, juggling motherhood and a career; I don’t know what the answer is. I do. Forget your career; you selfish bitch, and look after your child. A woman’s place is in the home. [email protected] There are so many products we are encouraged use in our perpetual war against bacteria. Mothers are encouraged to constantly wipe worktops and chopping boards with Dettol; as we all know, there are more bacteria on our chopping boards than on our toilet seats. What? What are we chopping on our chopping? Brown trout? We must buy automatic soap dispensers because the push-button on top of the manual ones are infested with bacteria, apparently. Even the little plastic cage that contains our toilet bleach blocks are a perfect breading place for bacteria, so we must use a new anti-bacterial gel that attaches to the toilet bowl without a little plastic cage. We must kill all bacteria! We must drink Yakult every day; you know the stuff, rotten milk in a little pot. It’s good for us; we need a healthy dose of bacteria every day. Wait a minute... Green Policy The government and local councils are frightened to criticise any eco proposal, no matter how daft, for fear of swimming against the (perceived) tide of public opinion. No matter how expensive, useless or ugly, if it carries the name sustainable or renewable, eco friendly or Green, then it will be rabidly supported and woe betide anyone who says, “Hang on a minute....” Therefore, I propose something eco friendly. We could use the unemployed to carry us to and from our place of work (piggy back style). This would alleviate traffic congestion during rush hour and cut down carbon emissions. Page 23 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 12:58 Page 24 HAPPY HALLOWEEN, KIDS. GO EASY ON THE SQUASH! Jacqueline O’Neill EDGErecommended! Highly contact jacqueline on 07583 629 493 Page 24 Having a Brew with: Darren Maynard Darren Maynard (40) is married, has 2 kids and a border-terrier called Max, who the family bought the very day after watching Marley & Me. They live in Wickford, but Darren runs the B&O branches in both Chelmsford and Leigh-on-Sea. After leaving school (aged 15), he worked for Ford for 2 years as a YTS, then joined the old Kelleys store in Chelmsford (remember that, readers?) in 1989 and has been selling B&O ever since, eventually taking over our local branch in 2002. When The Edge meets him for a right refreshing brew, he places an iPad, a mobile ’phone and his wallet on the table between us. EE: I see you’ve brought your toys, with you (as if on cue, a trumpet sounds to signify an incoming text message)? DM: Never leave home without them. I absolutely love gadgets, particularly anything shiny with the apple logo on it. EE: OK, so let’s get the ball rolling. Confess to a guilty pleasure? DM: Oooooh, I’m a bit of a shopaholic. I can’t wait to go to Westfields in Stratford....but not necessarily to buy anything. I just love looking at stuff. EE: Whoa! Now I find that plain weird, looking at stuff without actually making a purchase. So confess to a guilty pleasure that I can actually get my head around? DM: What, like a packet of chocolate Hobnobs that have come straight out of the ’fridge, do you mean? EE: It’d have to be a Galaxy Fruit & Nut bar for me. Anything else....the more embarrassing the better? DM: Sex and the City, I guess. I really fancy Sarah Jessica Parker. EE: What, that whiney, skinny, horse-featured.....yuk. DM: Takes all sorts, mate. (Darren’s mobile makes a trumpet sound again) EE: You clearly like your gadgets. What about Facecock. Are you following the herd by being on there? DM: Guilty as charged. EE: How often do you log on, or whatever they call it? DM: About three or four times a day. EE: Why? DM: To see what’s happening. EE: Such as? DM: To see what my friends are up to. EE: Oh, I’ve heard all about people having ‘friends’. How many of the buggers have you got then? DM: (checks to see): 296....but I know them all. EE: What, personally? DM: Yeah, for definite. EE: Well, at least you don’t have vir- tual friends. So what type of thing would you put on Facecock? DM: I might post the fact that I was just about to go to the gym (Virgin Active, Thundersley). EE: Oh. So you’d also ‘post’ the fact that you were just entering, I dunno, Sainsburys or Tesco then, would you? DM: (laughs) No. Why would I? EE: So why tell people you’re going to the gym? DM: (thinks about it) Hmmmm, I take your point. EE: Have you been on Facecock already today (we met at Costa Coffee at 9:15am)? DM: (laughs guiltily) Don’t put this in the mag, but I was on there at 4:00am this morning. EE: FOUR AM??? That sounds like a guilty pleasure if ever there was one. DM: The dog wanted to go out into the garden, so I made a cup of tea and logged on while I waited for him. EE: Dear of dear, Maynard! Moving swiftly on, I think, what was the last book you read? DM: I’m not much of a reader. There never seems to the be time. I guess it would have been Peter Kay’s autobiography, ‘The Sound of Laughter’, about a couple of years ago whilst we were on holiday. EE: And what about the last movie you watched? DM: (face lights up) The Inbetweeners movie at Bas Vegas... EE: Eh? DM: Festival Leisure Park at Basildon. They call it Bas Vegas. I loved the TV series and it’s probably the funniest film I’ve ever seem in my entire life. EE: Leave the readers with one final thought, disturbing or otherwise. DM: (thinks) When you’re out walking the dog, other dog owners will actually stop and talk to you. Not only that, but when I get home of an evening, the dog seems to be the only one that’s pleased to see me! The Edge 01245 348256 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 13:01 Page 25 GOLD- -SPECIAL PEYTONBRANCH PLACE TVTVGOLD ‘GOLD! Always believe in your soul, you’ve got the power to know, you’ve got your pants on back to front....’ Whatever happened to the dashing Patrick Mower? And this month, old-timer readers, it’s the one and only Special Branch. Now come on, some of you at least must surely remember Special Branch, starring the pitted-faced George Sewell (as Chief Inspector Alan Craven) and the drop dead gorgeous (so Edge Mum used to reckon) Patrick Mower (Detective Chief Inspector Tom Haggerty), before he made such a complete and utter cock of himself by appearing in both pantomime and Emmerdale. Special Branch is a label customarily used to identify police units responsible for matters of national security, whilst Special Branch the TV series ran between 1969 - 1974, with Patrick Mower being belatedly introduced (in 1973) as a bit of ‘eye candy’ for the ladies to lust over as its viewing figures were lower than anticipated. Young Edge lad didn’t tune-in until 1973 when the series began being produced by Euston Films who were later responsible for both The Sweeney and Minder - so yes, readers, Craven & Haggerty really were the blueprint for Jack Reagan and Sergeant Carter who followed them. Christ, what the hell happened to derail Patrick Mower’s most promising start as a television heartthrob - and make no mistake, he definitely was the real deal at that time? He’s 73 now, you know, gawd bless ’im, and even in Emmerdale you have to admit that he still looks bloody good. But somewhere along the line it must all have gone terribly wrong for him as a far more glittering career was surely expected (and we were talking about a potential James Bond in the making at one time). Mower first came to prominence in the excellent Callan starring Edward Woodward (blimey, The Edge will have to feature that in its own right one of these days)....so how did he end up as Rodney (bloody) Blackstock? There simply seems to have been a great big hole in his career for the better part of 25 - 30 years, so if you’re reading this, Paddy, me old son, give The Edge a tinkle, okay, mate? I’ve just looked him up on t’interweb thingy and it seems he must have been a bit of a luvie at heart as he used to have his very own theatre in Soho; it’s just that I really did expect him to make it BIG. Look at his shirt lapel though (above)? What a blinder, eh? So maybe his fashion sense was to blame? It’s certainly well shaky these days. 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Bang & Olufsen of Chelmsford 16-18 New London Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM2 0SP Tel: 01245 266117 Email: [email protected] www.bang-olufsen.com/chelmsford Scan the code with your smartphone. QR apps can be downloaded free from the app store. [email protected] Bang & Olufsen of Leigh on Sea 91 Broadway West, Leigh on Sea, Essex SS9 2BU Tel: 01702 477741 Email: [email protected] www.bang-olufsen.com/leighonsea Page 25 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 Ouija Board It’s no secret by now that I view the realms of mysticism, magic and spirituality as a load of old bollocks. Despite my best efforts at insulating myself from all this claptrap by developing a coterie of erudite, intellectual and above all sane companions, the mysterious world of the supernatural still finds a way to slip through the chinks in this social armour and often from the most unexpected sources. The not-so-secret world of ‘the other side’ comes in a myriad of different flavours and its adherents could call themselves ‘Pagans’, ‘Wiccans’, ‘Followers of Astaru’ or ‘New Agers’. In the interests of journalistic brevity however, I shall simply refer to them as ‘Divs’. As with any belief (and it seems to me that the more ludicrous the belief, the more tightly it’s held), any attempts to explain the various phenomena in scientific terms are fought against tooth and nail. 13:04 Page 26 ME & MY adamantium skeleton The Kingmeister reports Pictured: A Div Unfortunately for the Div, however, the shadowy arts of reason, empirical evidence and common fecking sense are hard to beat, even when they fall back on the argumentative equivalent of sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting “La, la, la - I’m not listening anymore!” But it was a great shock to me when, over a pint outside The Rake in Borough Market the other Friday, to learn that none other than our esteemed editor admitted his belief in Ouija boards. So we had an enjoyable and spirited discussion on the supposed efficacy of the Ouija board and the ‘spirit world’ in general but, being a few pints in and without all the salient facts to hand, I didn’t feel that I’d put up a good enough fight for the forces of sanity and resolved to continue our battle of wits The doorway to the spirit world: a bargain at £9.99 from Amazon. Page 26 in my column. As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Ouija board (sometimes referred to as a ‘Spirit board’) is a tool supposedly used to contact the spirit world using a planchette (the little triangle thing) and the letters, numbers and words printed onto the board. The gathering of Divs will place their fingers lightly on the planchette, ask their questions, and then the spirits will guide them to spell out the answers, thus once and for all proving that there’s life after death, that spiritualism is great and the Divs were right all along. Or does it? Er, no, actually, it doesn’t. You see, my main problem with all this cobblers isn’t so much what the Divs believe in, as how/why they believe in it. The Div will see the planchette move under their fingers without them pushing it and spell out coherent words, something that I admit must be quite astounding the first time you experience it. But then, unable to explain what just happened, the Divs will automatically believe it’s magic, rather than actually making an effort to carry out some research into the phenomenon. That’s my problem in a nutshell. As soon as something you can’t explain is ascribed to the world of magic, or spirits, you’ve closed your mind to any other possibility, and you’re doing both yourself and humanity an injustice. With careful research, experimentation and enough time we can, and have, explained much of the unexplainable. It’s one thing our insatiably curious monkey brains are good at. So let’s all imagine, just for a second, that we all subscribed to the Div stance of: “Well, I can’t explain it, so it must be magic.” Only now think of just how much we’d have learned over the last few centuries if that was our reasoning. That’s right, sweet feck all is the answer. And that’s what pisses me right off more than anything else. Yes, there are still plenty of things that we can’t explain, but surely the rational people amongst us like to carry on trying to figure stuff out and not just file it under ‘magic’ so we can get back to drinking bat juice and annoying people by playing the sodding bongo drums. As it happens, the architect of the original debate, the Ouija board, is easily explained. If you’re a Div, you might want to stop reading now in case the imminent deluge of common sense interrupts your chakras and makes you cry. Whether you believe in them or not, we can all agree that the Ouija board is a mystic tradition dating back to the mists of antiquity. For thousands of years, cultures have been using the Ouija board to talk to the spirit world and, oh hang on, no they haven’t. Nothing screams “Magic” like a 20 foot tall robot surely? The Ouija board was actually invented in 1890 by a trio of businessmen in that most mystical of cities: Baltimore. The Ouija board itself is owned by the same parent company to hold the rights on those other famous articles of spiritual enlightenment: Transformers toys. That’s right, your portal to the other side is as mystical as an Optimus Prime toy and was manufactured for the very same reason: to make someone money. Yes, you can go back to ancient Rome and China and see similar practices of divination in as far as they were trying to commune with the spirits, but the methods used were vastly different to the Ouija boards of today, and so the ancient tradition of the Ouija board basically goes back as far as when it was still fashionable to wear a corset and bustle. In fact, I managed to find a copy of the advert that went out when the first ever Ouija board was marketed, and it reads: ‘Ouija - a wonderful talking board!’ How very interesting and mysterious! ‘Surpasses in its results of second sight and clairvoyance! Will give an intelligent answer every time! Proven at patent office before patent was allowed.’ Proven at the patent office, eh? I’d love to have been there for that particular meeting. “But Kingpin!” I hear all you Divs slobber, “your cheap shots about Optimus Prime still can’t explain the pure magic behind the Ouija board!” Actually, yes, I can, so be quiet and you might learn something. The Ouija board works because of something called the Ideo-motor response. Basically, your subconscious mind causes minute movements of your muscles to move the planchette to spell out words and the like. As far as you’re concerned, you’re not moving it at all and it’s some other force that’s in the driving seat, which is actually partially correct. As I’ve mentioned in a previous article, we have no control over our subconscious and it’s almost like a separate entity, which is smarter and stronger than our conscious minds will ever be. The Ideo-motor response is both clinically proven and well documented and 60 seconds of consulting that other mystical oracle called ‘Google’ would have shown all you Divs the very same thing, but that’s nowhere near as much fun as talking to the dead, is it? If you do have a Ouija board and you’re a believer of all this nonsense, then please try this little experiment. Ask the spirits a few questions and see what there answer is. Then blindfold yourself and ask the same questions again and get someone else to see what gets spelled out. If you can’t, or won’t, do this test, then I’ll save you the bother and tell you that the second attempt will yield nothing but unintelligible gibberish. The spirits shouldn’t need to see where the letters are, should they? But you do, and once sight has been taken out of the equation, your subconscious will suddenly have all the literary intelligence of a carton of Pot Noodle. I’ve even thrown the gauntlet down about ghosts in the past (which no-one took me up on) and I’ll do the same with all you spiritualist Divs as well. Invite me over to your place and I’ll happily Ouija it up with you all night long and show you how it all actually works. You can even Tarot card and cold-read me too, if you like, and I’ll be able to explain or refute all of your nonsensical bollocks without even breaking into a sweat. Only please, for the love of whatever deity you subscribe to, use your bloody heads for once. If there’s something you can’t explain at first glance, then get off your arse and actually study the subject a bit. The brain is a remarkable piece of evolutionary engineering and you’re honestly doing yourself a huge disservice by filling it up with any such ludicrous claptrap. In fact, it’s like buying a brand new Aston Martin, cutting the roof off and using it as a skip. And despite my almost crippling misanthropy, even I believe that you, me, and all of us, are far better than that, so for once, rather than trying to prove me wrong, how about trying to prove me right? Come on, readers....someone take The ‘Kingpin Challenge’ as The Edge would love to prove the little shit wrong! E.E. www.theedgemag.co.uk The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 13:08 Page 27 Moulsham Street’s licensed sex shop over two retail floors ADULT DISCOUNT STORE OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK! the edge reaches....erm, Harwich! Craig Gough sent this photo in of himself and his buddy, Ben ‘The Funky’ Gibbons as he’s a Youth Projects Manager at Chelmsford YMCA and the pair of ’em “took a group of young people out sailing”, so I reckon Craig thought The Edge might give this dodgy pair a well earnt pat on the back, or something? F *** off. The Edge is going to absolutely muller you, lad. You honestly look like an advertisement for bad sunglasses. Ben’s (The Edge is assuming he is ‘The Gibbon’ on the left) look like a couple of early eighteenth century French sideboards, whilst yours are just plain daft, sunshine. Hideous Su Pollard/Christopher Biggins jobbies. And what’s going on with the molars? Don’t you read The Edge’s classified section? It says there plain as daylight: TOOTH FAIRIES - fantastic results for just £99’ Get yourself booked in, Austin! Finally, has Ben got a crush on you, or something? Your photograph takes me back to a school disco in 1974 (I was 13 then, Craig, and I bet you hadn’t even been born), only I was trying to surreptitiously get off with a girl called Christine Walls - and a right little handful she was too. But what I wasn’t trying to do - and The Edge says wasn’t again for extra added emphasis - was consummate a boylove crush. Oh Craig. Oh Ben. I honestly bet you wish you hadn’t written in? How DARE The Kingmeister RIDICULE The Ouija Board, readers? The Edge really would love it if one of its readers did invite Kingpin over to their next Ouija Board evening, because the way your editor sees it, you can read and read and read about something until your head is almost full to capacity, but actually doing something is another matter entirely. If what you say is true, Kingpin, lad, then why doesn’t the glass move about the table straight away, hmmm? Because it doesn’t and if it’s only a game, well then, it ought to be returned to the department store it was purchased from on the grounds that the bugger’s faulty. I’ve only ever dabbled once and it was for genuinely good intentions (a death in the family of the girl I was seeing at that time), so to be fair, the three of us who gave it a go were but 100% novices. But when that glass does eventually start moving - whoooooeeeee - it is a proper force to be reckoned with and you never know what the hell it’s going to spell next. (Honest, anyone who thinks someone is pushing the glass simply doesn’t know what they’re talking about because you only place a finger lightly on top of the glass and you’d each have to be doing the pushing, only no way could you make it The Edge 01245 348256 glide like it does.) Now then, the second point I’d like to make is - and this actually happened - a fourth party entered the room whilst we were doing the Ouija and they were just about to leave when it spelt out ‘WAIT’ really quickly. Then it proceeded to tell us something that the three of us at the board didn’t have a clue about, but when we told the fourth person, well, shocked, staggered, amazed....use whatever word you like, but they were pretty bloody dumbstruck at what the board was telling them and it also made perfect sense to them, even though it might as well have been Double Dutch to we three. So what’s all that about? How can you honestly explain that? Like I say, I’ve only ever done it once, but this ‘mere glass’ ended up coming on a car journey with us (don’t you dare laugh, Kingpin!) so that only two people had their fingers on it, but ‘spirit’ was still definitely in there, lad!!! Sometimes the glass would be swishing about the table so very fast that it’d somersault off and land on the floor, so that it’s just a glass on the carpet, right? But pick it up and place it face down on the board again with all of our fingers on it and whoosh, away we’d blinkin’ well go again. OVER 2000 DVD’s TO CHOOSE FROM Exchange OLD for NEW DVD’s - ONLY £10 Luxury 1st floor LINGERIE/FETISHWEAR LATE S NIGHT S& Y A D N MO YS A D THURS M! P 7 IL ‘T SPEND ABOV E £20 & CLA IM YOU R FREE 4HR HARD CORE DVD! HERBAL VIAGRA £3 each x 10 REDS, RAVE, GOLD x2 £10 LINGERIE by BACI MULTI-PURCHASE DISCOUNTS! 167 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford. TEL: 01245 607604 ADULTDISCOUNTSTORE www.moulshamstreet.co.uk OPEN: Mon-Sat 9.30am-6pm LATE NIGHTS Mon. & Thurs. ’til 7pm OPEN: Sundays: 11am-5pm ONE HOUR FREE PARKING IN MOULSHAM STREET! STOP BLOODY MOANING! 10,000 copies of The Edge are produced every single month and once they’ve been snapped up, that’s it, they’re gone. To save your disappointment, why not simply log on to www.theedgemag.co.uk, hit the SUBSCRIBE key and that way you’ll get a FREE ELECTRONIC EDGE sent directly to your computer or laptop every single month without fail. The wonders of modern technology, eh? Arf, arf, arf, arf, arf. Page 27 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 13:11 Page 28 FIFTY...NOT OUT topdraw media.com web site design solutions that work! website design media design internet promotion www.topdrawmedia.com T: 0208 133 8279 by Steve Ward Tea Lake You don’t hear so much about it these days, but a decade or so back the papers were always moaning about the stupidity of the Common Agricultural Policy. The argument went, mainly from the Dailies Mail and Express, that French farmers were being made rich enough to own Ferraris because the EU paid them stacks of money to grow stuff nobody wanted. Essex’s most comprehensive restaurant site. Hundreds of venues to choose from. The details you need to know. www.essexrestaurants.com www.twitter.com/EssexRestaurant So we had mountains of grain and sugar, and lakes of wine. Rather than send all this excess food to places that might need it - Africa for example - it was left to rot in barns or vast vats just to keep prices artificially high. You do have to wonder how such crass mis-management could be allowed to happen. But then you remember the old sayings about a camel being a horse designed by a committee, and the one that goes committees are places where good ideas go to get strangled, and it all seems perfectly feasible. The EU is the biggest committee in the world, and worse, there are a great many self interests to cater for, so the fact that Jaques le agriculteur can milk the system as well as his cows is actually of no great surprise. Well, the infamous wine lake came to mind recently when a statistic was published. Before we get to that we must just ponder a while on how any sane person could let perfectly reasonable alcohol simply decay to vinegar, rather than let us peasants have it on the cheap. It’s a certainty that anything of decent quality was not left in a barrel in Provence - it would have been bottled and sent up the motorway to Brussels as quick as you can say cheers. Or Salut, if we’re getting into the swing of it. You can be sure the Euro MPs will have been looked after, so that’s OK, isn’t it. Anyway, the statistic that was published recently was that the average three bed semi takes 9,500 cups of tea to build. Yup. 9,500. If that doesn’t qualify as a lake, heaven only knows what does. You can look at this several ways. Page 28 British workman does his best job when sustained by endless cups of tea. In a way it’s quite reassuring, because it belies the never ending stories in the right wing rags (Dailies Mail and Express again) about Polish builders coming over here and taking all our jobs. Surely if that were true, the average house would take not 9,500 cups of tea to build, but, say, 500 bottles of vodka? Not that we’re stereotyping, of course. But you could look at it another way and say that it’s typical, and rather than get on with their work, the assorted brickies, plasterers, plumbers and sparkies spend the whole day sat around drinking tea. You pays your money and takes your choice on this one, as with so many things. Interestingly, but unsurprisingly, the survey was conducted by someone with a vested interest. There is a new kid in town as far as tea sales is concerned. This is an old trick, of course, to commission a survey with a good stat at the end of it which is bound to get picked up by the press. That will always ensure your new company or product gets a nice free plug. In this case it’s a new brand of tea called ‘Make mine a builders’. Not quite as snappy as Typhoo is it, but in a way quite clever because you won’t forget the name. The presumption must be that the tea is particularly strong and tastes best with three sugars. What’s that about stereotyping? Anyway, should you have so little to do that digging beyond the headline stat of this survey seems like a good idea you will find some more interesting (?) ideas. Make mine a builders has discovered that although it currently takes 9,500 cuppas to achieve a wholly constituted semi, that number is slowly but surely decreasing. Unsurprisingly, this has nothing to do with improving productivity in the construction industry and everything to do with the ever increasing popularity of coffee in the western world. Yes, Bob the Builder is now often to be found clutching a Skinny Decaf Latte. Now this is a complete shock to all our prejudices. You can’t have hairyarsed builders standing around drinking such wimpy stuff, can you? It just goes against all of nature’s laws. Starbucks’ finest light brown coloured milk belongs in the manicured mitts of Sex and the City wannabes, not on a muddy building site. You can extend this principle of measuring how much work is done by the amount of liquid consumed to your own life. Imagine going into your boss and asking for a pay rise because you’ve had to drink ten cups of tea every day this week. Firstly, you could say that this is not at all surprising. It’s been the way That’d work, wouldn’t it? since, oh, forever, that the great To comment on this article email: [email protected] The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd *** F 23/09/2011 17:30 Page 29 A DUCK, IT’S QUACK! The Alfa Giulietta has been out for just over a year and The Edge was recently lucky enough to test-drive its flagship ‘Cloverleaf’ edition and bugger, it’s an impressive thing indeed. You just know when you sit in a car when everything immediately feels right, and so it was with this adorable little beauty; as snug as a bug in a rug - just like a spot of Ballroom Dancing in your favourite pair of Y-fronts. Christ only knows what the Cloverleaf’s figures are when you put it in ‘dynamic mode’ (the shift is both immediate and noticeable) from, say, 30mph-80mph, but it felt like a mini atom bomb going off and proper made me swear. I mean, picture the scene: a glorious mid-September day, the sun is shining, the car windows are half-down and as I am accelerating, the obscenities are truly flying out of my mouth, for which I blame the Giulietta. It’s like having a dog on a lead that simply wants to be let loose; there’s almost no holding it back. And another thing, if anyone reading this is actually interested in a ‘Cloverleaf’, then why not buy the demonstrator I drove when it becomes available in December and save yourself up to five grand on the list price (the Giulietta featured cost £25,500 new inc. white paintwork and those cracking 18” black alloy wheels). The choice is yours....either a brand new 1.4TB MultiAir or this particular ex-demonstrator (but three months old with ‘demonstrator mileage’) ‘Cloverleaf’ for between £20,000 and £21,000. Tough call! “Most impressive is the way the car pulls at 80mph....the thrust is really surprising and enables brisk, safe overtaking.” Autocar on the 1.4TB MultiAir 170bhp version Handsome Dog: waiting impeccably outside The Lion at Boreham. There are two 1.4-litre versions (120 and 170bhp), three diesel versions (105, 140 and 170bhp) and the ‘Cloverleaf’......oooooh lordy, the ‘Cloverleaf’ (BMW has its ‘M’ version, Mercedes its ‘AMG’ and Alfa Romeo its ‘Cloverleaf’ - racing heritage and all that, don’t y’know) offering a turbo-charged1750cc engine with a mouth watering 235bhp. 0-62mph figures quote 6.8 seconds and if you’ve got a mind for math and you don’t think that sounds all that nippy, then book yourself a test-drive as it completely blew The Edge away. And what a looker, eh? There’s simply no bad angle where the Giulietta’s concerned, a bit like Italians in general (apart from Berlusconi). Jeremy Clarkson has always said that everyone should own an Alfa Romeo at least once in their lifetime, and with both the Mito and the Giulietta, there’s definitely no reason why not to (whilst Alfa enthusiasts are no doubt waiting with baited breath for the strangely named ‘4C’ sports model that will set you back in the region of £40k to £50k next year. Sales Manager Rob Wallace told me, “We’ve already taken a few non-refundable £5,000 deposits.”). Though I’m a diesel man through and through, if I were to buy a Giulietta, I’d like to think I’d opt for the 1.4TB MultiAir Veloce, because it’s just a single second slower than the ‘Cloverleaf’ (0-62mph), yet you’re looking at 47.7mpg (combined) as compared to the latter's 37.2mpg (which for all that performance is outstanding). NOW WITH 5 YEARS’ COMPLIMENTARY SERVICING.* REPRESENTATIVE EXAMPLE I AM GIULIETTA. To find out more about the Mito and Giulietta range, why not speak to the very nice people at County Motor Works 01245 235050 ....and make sure you mention The Edge! GRRRR! Easy, boy, easy. A L FA G I U L I E T TA 1.4 TB MultiAir 170 bhp Lusso in Special paint Optional Final Payment (inc. option fee of £295) 36 Monthly Payments of Total Amount Payable £329.00 On the Road Price Deposit Amount of Credit £20,495.00 Duration of Contract £2,490.00 Rate of Interest (Fixed) £7,761.00 £22,095.00 37 months 3.35% Representative 4.1% APR £18,005.00 PERFORMANCE ALFA D.N.A. SAFETY Range includes all Turbo engines and the revolutionary MultiAir engine. The unique Alfa D.N.A. system allows the driver to select from 3 driving modes to suit their needs. The safest car of its class. 5 star Euro NCAP. 87/100, maximum score obtained in the 2010 rating**. facebook.com/alfaromeouk twitter.com/alfaromeouk WITHOUT HEART WE WOULD BE MERE MACHINES. COUNTY MOTOR WORKS EASTERN APPROACH, SPRINGFIELD, CHELMSFORD, ESSEX CM2 6PN 01245 235050 www.amcalfaromeo.co.uk Model shown Alfa Giulietta 1.4 TB MultiAir 170 bhp Lusso in special paint. Range of official fuel consumption figures for the Alfa Giulietta range: Urban 26.2 – 51.4 mpg (10.8 – 5.5 I/100km); Extra Urban 48.7 – 76.3 mpg (5.8 – 3.7 I/100km); Combined 37.2 – 64.2 mpg (7.6 – 4.4 I/100km). CO2 emissions 177 – 114 g/km. OFFER SUBJECT TO AVAILABILITY WHILE STOCKS LAST, BEFORE 30TH SEPTEMBER 2011. FINANCE SUBJECT TO STATUS. GUARANTEES/INDEMNITIES MAY BE REQUIRED,TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY.WITH ALFA ROMEO PREFERENZA YOU HAVE THE OPTION TO RETURN THE VEHICLE AND NOT PAY THE FINAL PAYMENT, SUBJECT TO THE VEHICLE HAVING NOT EXCEEDED THE AGREED ANNUAL MILEAGE (A CHARGE OF 6P PER MILE FOR EXCEEDING 6,000 MILES PER ANNUM IN THIS EXAMPLE) AND BEING IN GOOD CONDITION. OFFERS MAY BE WITHDRAWN OR AMENDED WITHOUT PRIOR NOTIFICATION.ALFA ROMEO FINANCIAL SERVICES, PO BOX 108, LEEDS LS27 0WU. SEE ALFAROMEO.CO.UK FOR FULL TERMS AND CONDITIONS. *5 YEARS’ COMPLIMENTARY SERVICE PLAN/50,000 MILES – OFFER APPLIES TO VEHICLES REGISTERED BETWEEN 1ST JULY TO 30TH SEPTEMBER 2011. SERVICE PLAN INCLUDES SCHEDULED SERVICING ONLY OCCURRING WITHIN 5 YEAR PERIOD AND 50,000 MILE LIMIT AND EXCLUDES WEAR AND TEAR ITEMS, RETAIL SALES ONLY. OFFER CORRECT AT TIME OF PRINTING.TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY. SEE WWW.ALFAROMEO.CO.UK FOR FULL DETAILS.WE WORK WITH A NUMBER OF CREDITORS TO PROVIDE FINANCE TO OUR CUSTOMERS, INCLUDING ALFA ROMEO FINANCIAL SERVICES. **SOURCE: EURO NCAP RATING. The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 29 The Edge 180:The Edge 172.qxd 23/09/2011 13:19 Page 30 kennel which then prompted the RSPCA to go in and investigate where the dog had been put. Apparently the gypsies were taken by complete surprise by the Police’s dawn raid. No doubt the resident fortune-teller got a damn good kicking after they’d left if that was the case. But it does make you think. For instance, when the Egyptians had slaves, they built such wonders of the world as the pyramids and the Sphinx, whereas all gypsies and their slaves seemingly manage to do is tarmac a few drives. TOTALLY TRACIE Blood Sweat and Chores Page 30 Keep Calm & Carry On or Shit Your Pants & Panic A burglar’s Poodunnit gave the game away when he soiled his pants during a raid and was traced by cops via his DNA Jeffrey Humphries apparently lost all bowel control after being startled as his gang raided a warehouse near Lakeside. Cops found his discarded pants lying nearby, so promptly took a sample (next time you moan about your job, think about having to do that for a living). Humphries was then caught bang to rights and pleaded guilty to two counts of burglary and was promptly sentenced to 4 years in prison. The detective who led the enquiry said,“I followed my nose until I got to the bottom of it.” Keeping on with the theme of bums, this month a gang of prisoners brutally attacked another inmate who they wrongly suspected of hiding drugs inside his bottom. They believed the victim was hiding the drugs and selling them at a cut-price to other lags. Which begs the question who would pay full-price if they’d known they’d been stored up there in the interim? So incensed at the suspected cheek of it, four men cornered the suspected drug bum in his cell and set about him with a tin of tuna in a sock. They then spent a further 30 minutes using a spoon, shower gel and a pen filled with soap in order to try and extricate the non-existent drugs. The four men were caught red-handed in the act (bit hard to think of an innocent explanation for that one, boys) and all pleaded guilty to attempted burglary and had 20 years added to their sentences. These days you cannot turn the telly on or open a newspaper without some story dominating the headlines connected with gypsies. Forget about having a Gay Best Friend; a Gypsy Best Friend is where it’s at right now. Paddy Docherty, ‘Gypsy King’ and winner of this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, is now supposedly in talks with Hollywood studios, whilst Brad Pitt is hotly tipped to star in a film about Paddy’s life. Brad reportedly said, “This is the part I’ve been waiting for my whole life,” and he is even making plans to get into character by living in a caravan alongside Paddy. Well, I can just imagine what Angelina will have to say about that, particularly as she’ll no doubt be expected to stay at home and clean the caravan all day long. The mere mention of the word ‘gypsy’ is usually enough to send normally rational people into a state of mass panic and hysteria, with garden fences and barricades going up all over the place, just in case the eviction of Dale Farm should have the repercusions of gypsies moving into your back garden. Meanwhile, the United Nations peace keeping forces were expected to have been called in at any moment to keep the peace between the Travellers of Dale Farm and Essex County Council. Only hang on, wasn’t Angelina once an ambassador for the United Nations? So maybe she could come in useful after all. The latest story is that a gypsy camp has been alleged to have held 24 men as Whose a Pretty Boy Then slaves in caravans and made them work If you get caught short whilst staggering from dawn ’til dusk with no more thanks home after a bit of a bender, don’t worry than a tin of cider and a can of spam if a tree happens to say, “Hello there,” or (sounds OK to me). To be honest, when“Whose a pretty boy then,” whilst you’re ever I see anyone in a caravan, I always mid-tinkle. No, your not going mad. An assume that they’re there against their escaped parrot with a full repertoire of will. I can never understand anyone who phrases has apparently been on the works all their life, then retires to live in a loose for some time now and there have caravan, towing it about through traffic been reports of other species of bird’s jams the length and breadth of Great copying its phrases (I kid you not). Britain, simply to drink tea and eat soggy People have been calling local police sandwiches in some godforsaken, stations and reporting ‘voices calling windswept field or other, and then has them’ in night from their gardens. “Hello the cheek to call it a holiday! Camping or there”, “Hello darling” and “What’s up?“ ‘glamping’ - as it is now known - seemare just a few of the phrases that flocks ingly has a bit of glamour attached to it. of wild birds have been heard to cry. But at least the gypsies have a reason Let’s just hope these birds don’t flock to for owning a caravan. 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