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The Edge 190:The Edge 172.qxd
25/07/2012
12:23
Page 1
EDGE
the
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‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’
ISSUE NO: 190
AUGUST 2012
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Mobile: 077 646 797 44
25/07/2012
12:26
Page 2
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25/07/2012
14:14
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Oooooh, young man....what’re you getting soooo excited about? Is it because it’s the V festival on
18th - 19th August, followed by Brownstock 31st August - 2nd September? Is that what it is?
Readers, please send in your photographs this year - and the above is preferable to the bands
themselves - as your editor will be cleaning his fishtank out instead.
[email protected]
The Edge 077 646 797 44
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Page 3
25/07/2012
The Edge Editor’s Column
INAPPROPRIATE USE OF SPEED
If there’s one thing that really gets my goat
that’s tethered up in ‘Edge Towers’ back garden
eating grass all day long, the bearded Bovidae,
then it’s the total inappropriate use of speed.
Case in point: there was this skinny bloke in this
little supermarket in a pair of shorts and flipflops buying a bottle of water in the resort we
recently stayed in, in Kefalonia. He then proceeded to straddle this bloody great big 1100cc
motorbike, without a helmet, reved it up, and I
was thinking: ‘cool f ker’....only then he pro**
ceeded to properly blast through Lassi at a
speed of somewhere between 70mph and (I kid
you not) 90mph at dusk.
No doubt it was a huge buzz for him and he did
look ‘comfortable’ on the machine, but it was
just plain stupid because anything could have
happened, and by that I mean that someone
stepping off the sidewalk could easily have been
killed had he collided with them.
Page 4
14:19
Page 4
Then there’s a neighbour of mine who’s always
the first one to mention her ‘child’ in any disagreement we ever have, as though I’m not
responsible because I don’t know what it’s like
to be a parent. But get this, readers. She will
reverse out of her driveway and while her car is
still travelling backwards, she will shoot off like
Jensen bloody Button as though she’s on a
racetrack, yet we live in a damn cul de sac.
Do you see what I mean here?
Two examples of a total inappropriate use of
speed (and if you’re not following, love, then noone should ever drive in excess of 20mph on an
estate because it’s asking for trouble).
Final point: idiots who drive inappropriately fast
in supermarket car-parks. An oldish woman
nearly took the front of my car off in Tesco’s
(Princes Road) car-park the other day. The bitch
didn’t even give way, wasn’t even looking for
traffic coming from her right, so as she stopped
(thankfully) to let shoppers by across the zebra,
I pulled alongside her and gave her a bit of a
‘verbal volley’ about the crime she’s just committed, which she was seemingly oblivious to.
And do you know what happened?
Shoppers started giving me pelters because I’d
pulled alongside this woman (in effect: into the
lane of traffic for vehicles approaching from the
opposite direction, even though there wasn’t a
car in sight), as they’d come to the conclusion
that I was the one who was in the wrong.
Bloody typical!
This bloody useless summer is getting right on
my tits.
Apparently it’s all the cause of the Jet Stream, a
powerful high-altitude wind whose mysterious
meanderings can have an overbearing effect on
our weather, as we’ve recently been seeing.
Normally, the west-to-east flow of air shifts to
the north of our shores during our so called
‘summertime’, directing areas of low pressure
and bad weather further northwards, leaving us
Essex-based Brits nestled in a comforting oasis
of warm air. Only this year the dratted Jet
Stream has strayed to the south and we have
found ourselves on its colder, less amenable
side and at the mercy of prolonged rain and
winds.
The precise reason for this has proved something of a puzzle to scientists and meteoroligists
alike, although some have claimed that melting
polar ice, driven by global warming, could have
reduced the temperature of the Atlantic and
altered the route of the winds.
Meanwhile, some other boffin stood in the
queue down at the local chippy reported to The
Edge, “As the position of the Jet Stream is influenced by the Rocky Mountains in America, it
could be something that’s happened over the
Pacific.”
All this publication would like to say is this:
“FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, SORT IT OUT!”
IN THE WRONG
THE PIRATES
OF MARYLAND POINT
Speaking of being ‘in the wrong’, anyone who’s
got a problem with me ought to seriously take a
damn good look at themselves.
If I don’t see eye-to-eye with anyone, then generally speaking, 99% of the time, it is they who
are in the wrong and that is a bloody well fact!
DAMNED JET STREAM
Local author Dot Gumbi has written a comedy
caper about pirates fighting cockneys....
www.olympicpirates.co.uk
THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD
01245 348256
[email protected]
The Edge 01245 348256
25/07/2012
14:26
Page 5
METRO
Not the full shilling
Sometimes you just look at old people and
know almost instinctively that they’re not the
full ticket....do you know what I mean, readers?
There was one such bloke in the Men’s toilets
(I’d have hardly have been in the Ladies,
would I?) at Sainsbury’s this very day.
He didn’t look like the bloke above (i.e. he
wasn’t a dead giveaway in his appearance).
No, it was more a case of what he had with
him in the lavatory.
I’ll tell you, shall I?
AN EMPTY SUPERMARKET TROLLEY.
Granted it was the smaller version of the two,
but this bloke had obviously collected a trolley,
figured he wanted to turn his bike around and
considered to himself, ‘I’m not leaving my trolley outside in the corridor as it mightn’t be
there after I’ve strained me greens.’
Gawd love ’em, eh, readers?
It’s not like it was the only trolley at
Sainsbury’s, is it?
PRICELESS.
I do have to say that I like that Metro ’paper that’s
only available at railway stations.
Bloody good idea, it is, and aimed at a right proper quality audience too.
Anyway, there was this little snippet I read in there
a while back about Team GB snowboard coach
Nelson Pratt (33) who was found hanged at his
home quite recently. I’d never even heard of him,
but apparently he also trained the Army snowboard team as well.
Which got me to thinking about the time when
former youthful Wales manager Gary Speed
topped himself. I was spending the weekend in
Bristol at the time I heard the news and I just
couldn’t believe it.
So, two young men from the world of sport and
the question begs, why ever would they?
I have my dark days and my dark moods. I guess
it’s just something to do with how you’re wired.
But Nelson Pratt and Gary Speed decided to put
an end to their lives and to me, that’s almost as
though they’ve come to the conclusion that things
definitely aren’t going to get any better.
How can you decide a thing like that at such a
relatively young age?
Sometimes people have the best years of their
lives later on in life, yet these two fit and talented
guys clearly didn’t even consider giving themselves such an option.
What goes on in a person’s mind that makes them
so adamant as to the fact that they feel as though
they’ve simply had enough?
Life is precious enough, so to just abruptly end
your own....
That is plain sad.
It makes me sad just thinking about it.
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25/07/2012
14:33
Page 6
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Page 6
“LOOK AT THIS GORGEOUS ORANGE BEAST!”
No, not your editor! The scooter I’m talking about....check out the bloody scooter!
I’d been to the Greek Isle of Kefalonia once before, about 17 years ago, and you know when
you’re not all that bothered about going back? Lovely as it had been, I genuinely wasn’t. Only
waddayaknow, it turned out to be one of the best weeks away I’ve ever had. Partly, I reckon,
due to my holiday romance with the ‘Big Dutch’.
That’s what I christened this lovely 300cc Korean scooter that I hired for 5 days for the princely
sum of 125 Euros. Honest readers, it was love at first sight.
I christened it the ‘Big Dutch’ as it had 50cc more than my X-Max back home and it’s colour
strongly suggested The Netherlands to me, and by Christ did it offer an excellent ride.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can well appreciate that all of you big, butch motorbike riding types out
there are looking at this photo and calling me a prissy little sissy. But you know what, I honestly
don’t care. Gears on two-wheels are far too complicated for me and a scooter suits me just fine
for getting around sightseeing, so live with it.
Kefalonia is an ideally sized island for saddling up each and every morning, after a hearty
breakfast, and bombing off to somewhere new, with the likes of Assos, Sami, Fiskardo and
Scala all being a delight to discover (even the second time around!) from our base at the excellent 4-star Hotel Mediterranee in Lassi, just a short 20 Euro taxi ride from the airport.
One of the particular highlights of this and every holiday I ever go on is getting on the lash and
we kicked-off this particular holiday in grand style at the poolside bar where we had lashings
and lashings of Ouzo and carbonated lemon (which is actually a whole lot different to lemonade) on day one, after which we never seemed to have an empty glass for the remainder of our
time there.
Different people seem to have very different ideas about what constitutes a damn good holiday.
For instance, Edge columnist Steve Ward always hires a big Harley Davidson and tours different routes in America, whilst I know some of you “only ever do 5-star”. But honestly, I’m not
being jealous when I address those of you who choose the latter by saying: “You can ‘do 5-star’
anywhere in the world, but unless you actually drag yourself away from all of that cosseted
splendour and get your sweet ass out there and do a bit of roaming about, what are you really
learning about the place you’re supposedly visiting, eh? Other than the fact that they offer
exceptionally nice tasting
Margaritas at the bar?”
I also don’t buy into any of that,
“I’m knackered - all I want to do is
lie on a sunbed” lark
What, all bloody week???
I took a book with me and only
managed 3 chapters...and that
included a 6 hour round flight!
Honestly, readers, scooters are
definitely the way to go, particularly
on quiet roads on your holidays.
Hire cars are OK, but you feel as
though you’re ‘truly living’ on two
wheels and you honestly get to
savour your senses a helluva lot
more than ever you do on four.
I think it’s also superb going on
holiday as a foursome as you definitely have a much better laugh,
‘The Butcher’ and I very much saw ourselves as Ewan
although choose your partners
McGregor and Charley Farley in ‘The Long Way Round’
carefully, readers!
(Special Kefalonia edition) as all that was required was
So Kefalonia: would The Edge
two-wheels, some appropriate headgear, a nicely fitting
recommend it? Damn right!
bra and off we jolly well rode, into the distance....
[email protected]
25/07/2012
14:39
Page 7
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Page 7
25/07/2012
14:42
Page 8
CITIZEN
EDGE
the
Getting caught reading a copy says more about you
than Fifty Shades of Grey ever will.
Page 8
This month Citizen
recalls with affection
the Cries - and Criers
- of Chelmsford and
applauds the activities of local traders
groups.
Chelmsford’s elevation
to City status, which
Citizen commented on
in the April editions, will
hopefully help to confirm its place as one of the premier shopping centres in Essex.
Like other major towns and cities, to be a ‘major destination shopping centre’ is reliant to a large extend on
‘the usual suspects’ i.e. the major national household
names all being represented in the High Street and, of
course, in Chelmsford’s case, the major city centre
shopping malls (to borrow the far more appropriate and
increasingly used American term for what we used to
call precincts).
However, there are, in Citizens view, several other criteria required to make a city centre shopping visit a far
more unique and memorable one - and one for which
the customers will return.
Paramount among these is a clean and friendly environment with a minimum number of empty shops and it
is Citizens contention that Chelmsford scores well on
both of these - or at least far better than most. Its
pleasant riverside location and parks are also greatly in
its favour. But what a town also needs is what in marketing terms is called a USP - a Unique Selling Point or
even points. In other words, something different that
separates it from the rest.
Among the best examples of unique shopping areas
nestling alongside thriving city centres are two that
Citizen has brought to mind - The Lanes in Brighton
and The Shambles in York. There’s hardly a multiple
store between them, but Citizen would suggest that
overall the respective city centres, including the major
national stores found in them, derive as much benefit
from their presence as do the businesses themselves
in these little unique passages crammed with locally
owned specialty shops.
We may not have quite the equivalent of a Lanes or
Shambles in Chelmsford, but nonetheless this is why
Citizen was delighted to read in January this year that
the West End Business Association (formerly, it
believes, known as the West End Traders Association)
centred upon the area of Broomfield Road where it
meets Duke Street has been reformed.
It is to be hoped that this is a successful venture for the
shops, pubs, restaurants and businesses concerned
that takes its place once more alongside the established Moulsham Traders Association at the other end
of our city centre. For many years the MTA has championed the individuality of the predominantly local companies in the part of Moulsham Street that is to be
found on the ‘other side’ of Parkway. A proactive committee chaired by Jayne Gayer of CD’s Sandwich Shop
is in place that clearly continues the good work of former stalwarts of the MTA in bygone days such as Brian
Pawsey and Colin Gibson, and all power to them.
Because, quite simply, it is local shops alongside ‘the
big boys’ that makes a town or a city such a unique
and thrilling place to visit.
It is perhaps inevitable that the major thoroughfares of
most city centres (usually collectively known as the
‘High Street’) have, over the years - due to the disappearance of so many locally owned carpet, furniture,
electrical and fashion stores - taken on a fairly
homogenised image with the same stores predominantly featuring everywhere. However, there is still very
much a place for ‘something different’. And the ‘something different’ will in many cases include a ‘local prod-
uct’ that reflects that community in which it is found.
For example, the fact that you are reading this copy of
The Edge may well mean that you have probably
picked it up from a ‘local business’ in or around
Chelmsford (please note: the editor is of course also
grateful to national concerns such as Network Rail and
Tesco who make the magazine available to its customers). But it is also people who make a town or city
centre special and Citizen recalls with some genuine
nostalgia the names and faces of local characters who
were in business in our town - some of whom are still
active today, albeit perhaps themselves doing ‘something different’.
Preeminent amongst these is probably Tony Appleton
who Citizen remembers had 3 or 4 carpet shops in
Chelmsford in the 70‘s and early 80’s. Tony was always
a character taking part in a number of interesting challenges including participating in the Selsey Birdman
contest in around 1975 and trying to sail a bed across
the English Channel, of all things! His activities not only
made the local papers but Citizen can remember reading about them in such diverse publications as the
Daily Mirror and even the Majorca Daily Bulletin in its
‘Ricky - The Lash - Lazzar Show’ entertainment column
that continues to this day.
Citizen recalls that Tony had a particularly interesting
hobby - being photographed with the rich and famous.
This included at the time Britain’s most popular comedy
duo Morecambe & Wise when they came to open his
new carpet shop and the neighbouring Coopers 3
Piece Suite Centre in Market Road at the time of the
opening of the High Chelmer Shopping Centre.
Indeed, if you look at Tony Appleton’s website today
there is a special place for a gallery of the aforementioned pictures of Tony with an assortment of famous
stars and politicians.
The carpet shops are no longer there, but Tony has
forged a highly successful career for himself that first of
all saw him become Chelmsford’s very own Town Crier
and subsequently one of the country’s most preeminent
Toastmasters. Hence the website which tells us that
Tony is now President of the Guild of International
Millennium Town Criers and a member of the Guild of
International Professional Toastmasters. And it all started in Chelmsford High Street, so all power to him!
Citizen has no doubt that it is characters like this that
help make a town or city a little bit special and while
we may not see so much of him now because of his
wider commitments, both Citizen and The Edge hope
and trust that Tony will be there for the big occasion
when Chelmsford is officially and ceremonially crowned
as a City in this Diamond Jubilee year.
For a time, Tony even had a rival Town Crier in Barry
Farleigh - whose family had a number of excellent bakers shops under the brand of ‘Hot & Crusty’ in the
1980’s - took up the bell and donned the hose, jacket,
buckled shoes and tricorn hat initially to help promote
his wares.
The bakery and main shop was where Gap is now
found in our High Street and like other examples, its
disappearance illustrates what has happened the
length and breadth of the land where local businesses
are no longer found to the same extent, having been
replaced in their former premises by branches of conglomerates or otherwise Estate Agencies, Charity
Shops and Tattoo parlours.
A thriving town needs both the conglomerates and the
more bijou local shops. This is why the work being
done by such notable organisations as the West End
Business Association and the Moulsham Traders
Association are so important in offering a local and
somewhat unique presence and feel to a city or town.
Just ask the people of Brighton or York and long may
these organisations continue!
The Edge 01245 348256
The Edge 077 646 797 44
25/07/2012
14:43
Page 9
Page 9
25/07/2012
14:52
Page 10
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"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things
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Page 10
Working as a Travel Agent you can be asked all sorts of things….
“My dad has a moustache in his passport picture but doesn’t have one
now. Will he have to grow one before we fly out?”
I was working in business travel during the ash cloud disruption. The
CEO of a very large, global client called me personally to ask if the closure of UK airspace affected first class flights...... And these are the
people that are running the world!
One we get all the time is, "We will go anywhere," so you offer them
Turkey. "No, we will go anywhere but there." So you offer them Malta and
it’s, “Anywhere but Malta and Turkey." This then goes on until you finally
narrow it down to the only place they meant by "anywhere" is Benidorm!
Why don't customers just tell you what they want? Sometimes I think I
should have a crystal ball!
My favourite, upon asking about budgets, was getting the definite
answer of £500 per person. When I found something for that cost, the
customer said, “Oh no, that’s far too expensive!”
The Edge 01245 348256
25/07/2012
15:18
Page 11
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a pint of house ale or
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for £20.00
Senior Citizens
The Edge proper loves it when readers send stuff in like this.
It’s so simple, yet brilliant!
Whilst we’re on the subject of buses tho’, is it just The Edge, or
have any other bus travellers noticed that some of our ‘local’
Polish drivers aren’t so friendly to the point of coming across as
being plain rude?
Or does something simply get lost in translation?
Unfortunately they are not stroking The Edge’s rhubard.
Lunchtime
Special
£11.95 ffor
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Mondaay to Friday
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OA D
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CHELMSFORD
D
A N B U R Y, C
HELMSFORD
CM3
EESSEX
SSEX C
M 3 44DH
DH
Telephone:
T
eelephone: 0
01245
1245
699024
699024
www.griffindanbury.co.uk
w
ww.griffindanbur y.co.uk
Page 11
25/07/2012
15:07
Page 12
!
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CORPORATE • BUSINESS • ROMANTIC
Business G Meetings G Casual G Anytime G Anyone
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THE
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ON THE GREEN
Finest Chinese & Indian Cuisine
Lounge Bar
We are very proud to announce that our kitchens have just been presented
with a 5 star rating for food and hygiene by Chelmsford Borough Council
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SET PRICE ALL
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To assist our valued customers we
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30 The Green, Writtle, Chelmsford CM1 3DU
01245 422 228
Page 12
At the time of going to press, your editor is approximately three-quarters of
the way through this book because I was curious to discover what all the
fuss is about - alright, ladies?
And I do have to say that I am not overly impressed.
If Christian Grey’s outlandishly good looks and wealth aren’t enough (he
owns and pilots his very own helicopter, chaps) then the frequency with
which he tears the foil (tearing foil - now there’s a technical term) off a condom wrapper is totally beyond belief.
Guys, I kid you not, he doesn’t so much as use a couple of sheaths in a
night.....the author would have us believe that good old Christian is tearing
foil pretty much ten minutes after he last, erm, ‘tore it’.
Oh, do come onnnnnnn! No wonder us blokes get a bad press if women
are going to start writing fairy stories about our species.
And what’s even more galling is, as yet, at the point I’m up to they’ve only
ever used the bathroom for brushing their bloody teeth in.
GET REAL! It can sometimes proper stink in there.....or don’t you ladies
like to read about stuff like that in your romantic novels?
You seem to like a different sort of nitty-gritty to us blokes.
‘Christian let out a rip-roaring fart, which was followed by a huge sploshing
sound. “Oh Anastasia,” he cried out in relief, “come and have a look at
what I’ve just done!”
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR
‘THE ONE’?
Are you on mission to find love?
Then you need to contact Susan at Introductions in Essex (see page 19).
Her introduction agency takes you through a very friendly, confidential
interview process so that she can discover all about you and the type of
person who would be your perfect partner. Susan will work for you to find
your match, keeping you regularly updated and encouraged along the
way without any internet dating whatsoever!
Introductions in Essex are a friendly and approachable agency for anyone
who would like to enquire about meeting their match.
£25 DISCOUNT!
What’s more, mention The Edge when you sign up in August and you will
qualify for a a £25discount!
Introductions in Essex is a delightful match making service which is
completely committed to creating couples!
Telephone Susan on 01245 361946 for further details.
5 STARS
Shafique (yes, he’s still there, folks, all you who haven’t visited him for
a while) is pleased as punch to have recently gained five kitchen food
and hygiene stars by Chelmsford Borough Council.
“Five is the maximum,” says an exceedingly proud Shafique of The
Restaurant on The Green. “So far as I am aware, no other Chinese or
Indian restaurant in Chelmsford has attained such a high standard.”
Work is also well on the way to completing his brand new bar and
tapas area which will overlook the magnificent setting of Writtle Green
in future, with his newly laid out restaurant and subdued lighting
nestling at the rear of this long established restaurant.
Watch this space for further details...
The Edge 077 646 797 44
25/07/2012
15:07
Page 13
Present this voucher to receive a
WASH, CUT
& BLOWDRY
all for
£22.00*
A Likely Story...
Dear Edge,
Following your recent article in issue:189 (page 18) about the large croc
that was eating African villiagers along the River Niger, we too have been
noticing similar problems with missing folks right here in Chelmsford.
Fortunately for local people and paddlers alike, the members of Green
Watch recently dragged a similar beast out from the depths of the River
Chelmer which weighed in at a colossal 2,550 pounds (50 lbs heaver than
the Niger croc, you will note, Mr Edge) and measuring 22.5ft in length
(amazingly 6 inches longer than the Niger croc too).
All Hail Green Watch
Chelmsford
Is this a bit of the old TRICK PHOTOGRAPHY, lads!
Last time The Edge saw you lot you nearly knocked me off my pushbike in that noisy, shiny, big red crate of yours.
And all for what?
To rescue some puddy-tat stuck up a tree. Pagh!
You lads want to get your priorities right!
Come on tho’.....where did you really wrestle this croc from, eh?
CALL (01245) 346348
Walk in appointments also available.
* Offer available Monday - Friday 10am - 4pm
* Offer valid until 29th September 2012
* One voucher per customer only
* This voucher not to be used in conjunction with any other
promotional offer
* Subject to availability / selected stylists
6 Rainsford Road, Chelmsford, CM1 2QD. Tel: 01245 346348
We are just 50 metres from the County Hotel. LATE NIGHTS: Wednesdays & Fridays
www.auberginethesalon.co.uk
We’re Open:
6.00 Til Late Monday-Friday
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Victoria Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1NY
Tel: (01245) 269983
ALL AMERICAN RESTAURANT
50%
OFF
This voucher entitles you to 50% off your total food bill
Valid Sundays to Thursdays during August 2012.
Enter your details, bring along this voucher and present when you ask for the bill.
Name .....................................................................................................................................................
Address ..................................................................................................................................................
........................................................................................................ Postcode ........................................
Email .....................................................................................................................................................
www.backinntime.co.uk
Page 13
25/07/2012
15:25
Page 14
Are you a Rightmove addict?
Jo Williams - Director
Your INFORMATIVE
Estate Agent
Do you qualify as a ‘Rightmove’ addict?
Do you log onto the Rightmove property portal more
than once-a-week, even if you’re not looking to move?
Got the app on your smart phone?
Are you registered to receive updates whenever a new
property comes on the market?
Well, you could be addicted to a modern phenomenon
like many others. Back in the day, before the power of
the internet, you used to have to trawl up and down the
local Estate Agents which was a pretty painful and repetitive process.
Then when you wanted to communicate with your traditional Estate Agent, generally they were closed with poor
customer service when you wanted access to them.
So along came Rightmove, Zoopla, Find a Property and
countless other property portals. You are now able to
access all Estate Agents and properties at the touch of
a button.
You can search any area of the UK without having to
visit the location itself.
You can view the inside of a house without actually
going to see it.
You can view the entire floor plan of your perspective
new home.
Over a period of time, the actual face-to-face contact
with your local Estate Agent has diminished.
When we talk to our clients, sometimes they decline to
be registered with us as they declare that they registered
with a property portal and therefore there is no need.
There is no disputing the power of the internet and of
Rightmove and other property portals. But hey, don’t
move too far away from the professionals who are
experts in your particular area.
We know your local area and have years of experience
in matching buyers and sellers. There is SO MUCH
MORE to the house buying and selling process than
meets the eye. It would be naïve to think that the only
skill of being an Estate Agent is to visit houses wearing
a cheap suit.
We have many retained clients that we speak to regularly that we match to properties on one-off viewings without a house even going on the open market.
We view many houses that are not even on the open
market, but with careful skill and negotiations, we are
able to liaise to enable both parties to reach a mutual,
beneficial outcome.
And that’s not forgetting the part we play once the price
has been agreed, which is a process that takes (national
average figure) three months, of which we only ever take
a fee when you actually move.
We want you to come in and see us (we don’t wear
cheap suits), have a cup of tea with us and chew the fat
on the ups and downs of the stressful process that is
moving house.
We’ve made our ‘home’ a nice place to come and visit,
so we hope you’ll pop in and see us, tell us what you
need and we’ll aim to help you with or without RIGHTMOVE (or any other property portal)!
www.thehomepartnership.co.uk
11 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1HL
Telephone: 01245 250222
Contact The Edge at: 01245 348256 or 077 646 797 44
Every Friday and Saturday night
from 5pm at The Beehive Pub,
Beehive Lane, Chelmsford.
Eat-in or take away
For full menu please visit
chelmsfordcatering.co.uk
For phone orders please call:
01245 409 145
Chelmsford Catering - Large event specialists
168 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford CM2 0LD
Tel: 01245 409 145
Page 14
chelmsford
catering.co.uk
The Edge 077 646 797 44
25/07/2012
15:38
Page 15
A Splendid Little Pub
The Compasses, tucked away rather refreshingly at Littley Green, has won
the Jack Hillier award for CAMRA Essex Pub of the Year 2012.
The former Ridley's Brewery Tap, now owned and run by Joss Ridley, saw
off some fierce competition from the other Essex branch winners.
The pub, also fondly called ‘The Huffer Pub’, has had a busy couple of
years, having built 5 guest accommodation rooms to a very high standard,
been instrumental in the formation of the Bishop Nick Brewery (owned and
run by Joss's brother Nelion), and heavily promoting Mild (15 different
milds were enjoyed at the pub throughout May), as well as raising almost
£7,500 for Farleigh Hospice through their summer beer festivals (now
known as Hopstock).
Despite these side projects, this thriving rural pub remains the focal point
for the community and draws many loyal customers from the surrounding
villages. Joss says, "We're really proud to have won this award for a
couple of reasons. Obviously it's great to be recognised for serving a very
decent pint on a regular basis, but that's almost expected of me, given my
family brewing background! But what I'm really proud of is the fact that
we've managed to preserve the pub by developing it into a 'destination
local'. Many people seem to travel some considerable distance to use our
pub as their ‘local’, which is really great. As a result, we get a hugely
varied and friendly clientele which makes the pub a really vibrant and
exciting place to be. In other words, if you turn up and you don't know
anyone, chances are you soon will!"
The Compasses now goes through to the East Anglia regional CAMRA
competition with the winner being announced in the middle of August.
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.COMPASSESLIT TLEYGREEN.CO.UK
Page 15
27/07/2012
07:07
Page 16
Rehab Hair Studio dream team is the best of the best!
Rehab Hair Studio is now 6 months old and has already made a BIG IMPACT in
Chelmsford - so much so that we have even managed to attract visitors from other
local hair salons to see what we’re up to!
Over the years we have come across most of the usual stories within the industry,
such as bad service and hit and miss haircuts, but in Chelmsford we believe the main
bugbear is overpriced work.
Salon owner Zak Menderin has over 18 years in
the hair industry. Trained in the flagship Vidal
Sassoon Salon in London’s West End, Zak later
became a Senior Art Director for Toni&Guy
(Sweden) and Lee Stafford Salons. He then went
on to travel the world to look after the hair of
many A-List celebs.
Winner of awards for his previous salons, including the Schwarzkopf Art Team of the year, finalist
for the Toni&Guy International Photographic
Awards representing Sweden + his short stint on
the hit T.V. show 'The Salon'.
Zak is a true master of his craft and his outstanding work reflects in the eclectic look of his new salon Rehab Hair Studio.
Set in the trendy West End of Chelmsford, Hair Rehab pride their new studio on its
relaxed customer service and ongoing creative work, as well as being one of the only
salons in Chelmsford to stock the uber trendy Kevin Murphy Session range. You will
find these products mainly in the heart of London’s West End and we feel very
privileged to have such a range on board for use in our studio.
“I have spoken to many clients who have been made to feel as though they have
been rushed from their seats in numerous local salons,” says Zak. “We also find it
hard to believe that they feel they can justify charging over the odds in Chelmsford
for truly mediocre work. The standards you set and the service you offer should be
reflected in your prices and in my humble opinion, locally trained stylists have not got
a touch on London’s West End session workers.
“At Hair Rehab we want to create that perfect look for you, and we also want you to
have a fantastic time in our studio whilst we are achieving it!”
REHAB HAIR STUDIO - Offering a full range of Hair, Nail & Beauty Treatments
Arch 22, Viaduct Road, Chelmsford,Essex, CM1 1TS. TEL: 01245 348787
www.rehabhairstudio.co.uk Catch us on our late nights ’til 10pm Wednesday,
Thursday and Fridays!
Page 16
Rehab Beach Babe Hair!
Beach Babe Hair is back! Our subtle California Frosting is key to poolside days and
those warm summer evenings. Top stylist Naomi Menderin shares her ideas and hair
saving tips that are guaranteed ti give you beach babe status!
I would recommend that with any pre-holiday highlights it’s best to get an appointment at least 5 days before you fly in order for your hair to replenish itself before its
subjected to those sunny rays. It’s also a good idea to take your highlights at least
two shades darker than normal as the sun will naturally lift your hair to those extra
shades, leaving it beautifully sunkissed throughout.
As I know from experience just how much the sun can play havoc with your hair,
here at Rehab we believe that using the right products to maintain condition is
paramount and our Kevin Murphy range has definitely got it all covered..
A shampoo and conditioner with U.V guard to protect against fading is a must whilst
our Kevin Murphy ‘Beat the Heat’ pack, with its beautiful blend of protection treatments, will keep your hair’s moisture, shine and strength (contains a 250ml
Protection Wash and a 250ml Leave In Protection conditioner that will leave your
locks looking healthy and glossy, all for just £15.95!
As long as you protect your hair your colour will be fine. Keep hair protected with a
leave in protection and a cute hair scarf or hat.
Throughout August we would like to offer our fantastic Rehab clients and Edge
readers an amazing 25% OFF our Rehab Hair Studio Colour Services, so we can
give you that perfect holiday hair wherever you’re going!
Rehab V-FEST Survival Guide!
Rehab Hair Studio Chelmsford is the place to visit before the V-Festival kicks off this summer! With the V-Fest shuttle bus picking up from right outside our salon and taking you
straight to all of the madness and mayhem, our studio, nail area and private treatment
room is the place to be before you hop aboard to party the weekend away. So come get
your Party Rock on @ Hair Rehab before you hit the festival!
But wait - it gets even better! With the lack of clean showers at V-Fest, Hair Rehab has
installed its very own private shower/dressing room and with its exclusive hire you can
wash off all of that festival dirt, re-do your make up get a bangin’ blow-dry so that you’re
ready to hit the V-Fest looking fresh as a daisy once again!
Over the 19th & 20th August our studio will be offering a limited amount of £18 blowdrys,
false eyelashes, face painting, express manicures and pedicures.
Want that Dip Dye look, but without the commitment? Rehab Hair Studio offers the next
generation of dip-dying with a wipe on-wipe off colour!
Colour Bug Ombre Looks....for on night only and with 3 intense fluro colours the
possibilities are positively endless. But beware as the Ombre hair look is the trend that
just wont quit!
The Edge 077 646 797 44
25/07/2012
15:41
Page 17
Page 17
25/07/2012
YOUR
letters
&
15:28
Page 18
Providing assistance for all abilities, classes are run out of Anglia
Ruskin University and already
signs of progress are being seen.
emails
to theedge!
CHELMSFORD, CM2 6XD.
[email protected]
SHAMELESS
Dear Edge,
Just read your article about ‘Sex
Lies & Rinsing Guys’ (June Edge)
and we wholeheartedly agree with
what you said; it honestly made us
cringe. Why can’t people do a fair
days work for a fair days pay any
more?
Which brings me to the part about
getting hold of a good plumber
(which you also mentioned in your
article). My name is Andy Penfold,
my company is Moulsham
Plumbing & Heating and I always
turn up when I say I am going to
turn up!
Furthermore, we love Lek’s Thai
Food at Chelmsford Market (issue:
185) but now that you’ve mentioned it in the mag, we’re definitely
going to try that Pie & Mash Shop
in Maldon High Street - and I’m
also going to get my barnet cut at
Harry Green’s at the same time!
moulshamplumbingandheating
@yahoo.co.uk
That is a shameless bit of selfpromotion, is that, Andy.
E.E.
Pictured is student Mollie, aged 13,
who told us, "It's given me so much
more confidence. In a recent maths
test I scored 90% which had never
happened before!"
For further details contact Ian on
01245 461164 or go directly to
http://www.firstclasslearning.co.uk
Ian Tutak
Deep down, The Edge HATES all
this FREE ADVERTISING that
people are wangling!
E.E.
GINGER
Dear Edge,
I think your Kingmeister columnist
is well out of order for insinuating
that it doesn’t get any worse than
being ginger (June Edge).
FFRFGFG
(Fighting For Respect For Ginger
Folks in General)
Yeah, that was a bit underhand of
Kingpin, was that, so The Edge
would like to apologise to any
gingas out there who might have
had to have a couple of days off
school or work as a result of his
bitter, barbaric and downright
insensitive comments. After all,
how would Kingpin like it, I wonder, if one day he woke up and
suddenly found himself ginger all
over?
E.E.
PROSTATE CANCER
Dear Editor,
Having just read this month’s edition of The Edge, in particular your
little mention of bladder control, so
I thought I would tell you that I had
a similar problem about 7 years
ago (aged 54). I had put up with it
for a few years, but eventually went
to see my GP.
He sent me for a blood test (PSA)
The result came back at 48 - which
is not good. I was eventually told I
had prostate cancer.
Urinary frequency is one of the
symptoms, especially at night.
This might not be the case where
you are concerned, but all the
same, I would suggest you find out.
If they catch it early enough, they
can be quite good at sorting it out
without too many problems.
However, if it’s something else
entirely, then so much the better,
but perhaps you should find out for
certain? After all, it’s not always
just a case of getting older and
having to put up with it.
Steve Farmer.
Thanks for that, Steve. Guess I
need a willing nurse Edge reader
to pull on a pair of rubber gloves
and have a bit of a poke about
then. Any offers, ladies?
E.E.
BRANCHING OUT
Dear Edge,
We were in London the other week
and thought of you - the picture
(below) explains why.
Are you expanding your empire?
All the best,
Simon Jury.
STERLING JOB
Dear Edge,
This bloke deserves a medal!
He’s a familiar face around and
about Chelmsford, day in, day out,
come rain or shine, keeping our
City’s streets clean and tidy.
You will all have all seen him, I’m
sure.
On my way into work this morning
he was down on his hands and
knees scraping the moss out of the
block paving in our High Street.
The guy is just brilliant!
So next time you see him in the
street, doing a sterling job, please
shake his hand or tell him you
appreciate what he does because
if we didn’t have people like him,
grafting so very hard, Chelmsford
wouldn’t be such a clean and tidy
place to live.
Jo Williams
The Home Partnership Ltd.
’Ere, ’ere, Josephine.
E.E.
ROYAL ROGERING
Dear Edge,
Spotted Liz, Phil and William in
Galleywood recently and it looked
as though a right Royal rogering
was taking place!
Michael Gell
Nowt to do with me, sir. Looks
like they sell alcohol, which The
Edge strongly disapproves of!
FISHY STORY
Dear Edge,
Do you think you have to throw the
OAPs back in once you’ve caught
’em?
FIRST CLASS LEARNING
OPENS
Dear Edge,
A Maths and English study centre
for students aged 4-16 years
recently opened in Chelmsford.
First Class Learning programmes
are designed to meet and therefore
are supplementary to the UK
school curriculum.
Page 18
Ernie & Joan
Chelmsford
The Edge 077 646 797 44
26/07/2012
08:53
Page 19
owards the end of last month I visited Darren and Pearl at their
clinic, Renew You, at The Beauty Yard in Broomfield Road (nearer KFC as opposed to the town end), writes The Edge Ed.
T
Renew You is a swanky aesthetics clinic which specialises in laser
operation, in particular tattoo removal and teeth whitening. Expansion
is currently underway into IPL hair removal, red wine vein removal,
scar removal, skin rejuvenation, speckle removal, facial vascular
lesions therapy, acne therapy, skin tightening and wrinkle removal....
plus the all-important and increasingly popular laser fat removal.
Whilst in their company, Pearl (above) - who somewhat appropriately
really is called Pearl, as it happens - whitened my Austin’s (Powers)
teeth - damn those copious bottles of red wine to hell - using a mix of
carbamide peroxide and sodium perborate whitening gels, together
with the blue cold light one hour system technology. Not only was I
impressed with the results, but absolutely delighted that I was left with
no sensitivity or discomfort whatsoever. I was told to expect the results
to last for a good 12 months, red wine permitting!
As for the tattoo laser removal, it's state-of-the-art and one of the
latest models in the UK - a right clever piece of kit. Renew boast the
most advanced tattoo removal machine in Essex and assure me that
they will keep up with the times so that they are always at the forefront
of the industry. The machine is a Double Nd:YAG with the laser utilising the latest double-rod technology, thus offering more powerful energy than normal lasers. Originally designed for use in clinics, this innovative laser is equally suitable for large Tattoo Studios with a high
demand for laser tattoo removal. The higher energy of the Double
YAG Laser can remove birth marks, Nevus of Ota and other pigmentation both better and faster.
Obviously I wasn’t able to trial their laser tattoo removal machine as
my bod is strictly a tattoo free zone, but I did see several BEFORE
and AFTER photos of a ‘tat’ that Darren’s in the process of having
removed from his shoulder and after 3 sessions there’s virtually only
the outline that’s still left to be removed. It's all very impressive and
apparently the laser can completely remove a tattoo in 3-8 sessions at
costs from as little as £30 a pop.
Costs:
Laser tattoo removal starts from £30 and there as some meaty
discounts available for multiple tattoo removals
Teeth whitening is £99
Call Renew You on 0845 519 9361 or 07581 352070 and make an
appointment Monday - Friday 8.00am - 8.00pm
or Saturdays 9.00am - 4.00pm.
www.renewyoulimited.co.uk
The Double Nd:YAG
tattoo removal
machine is a tasty
bit of kit!
www.introductionsinessex.co.uk
ARE YOU
LOOKING FOR
‘THE ONE’?
We are a bespoke match making service actively
working for every member, no internet dating –
just a confidential, back to basics approach to
finding love and friendship!
We take the time to find out about every individual, your interests, values
and way of life to fully build up a rapport and get to know you so we can
start you on the journey to finding lasting love!
Affordable, one off joining fee, no hidden extras, a reliable, friendly and
professional service committed to creating couples.
Please call us today 01245 361946 for an informal chat about
membership options or find out more at our website
www.introductionsinessex.co.uk using our contacts page.
We would be delighted to hear from you!
Laser Teeth Whitening
The Edge 01245 348256
Page 19
25/07/2012
ONLY
JOKING!
TOURETTES
"What do we want?"
"A cure for tourettes!"
"When do we want it?"
"Bollocks!"
CONGRATULATIONS
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won £500 of
shopping vouchers, or a night at an Elvis
Presley tribute act. To claim your prize press 1
for the money or 2 for the show.
FRIGHTENING STATISTIC
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, MOST
PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING
IN RECENT YEARS:25% of women in this country are on medication
for mental illness. That's scary stuff, because
what it really means is that 75% of women are
running around with no medication whatsoever.
DUBLIN GOLD CUP
A bloke at a horse race in Ireland whispers to
Paddy, who is stood next to him, “Psst. Do you
want the winner of the next race?”
Paddy says, “No tanks, if it’s all the same to
you. I’ve only got a small garden.”
SILVER SURFERS
As all Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have
trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the
11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like
Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and sorted the
problem immediately.
As he was walking away, I called after him, “So,
what was wrong?”
He replied, “Oh, it was an ID ten T error.”
15:42
Page 20
“A what?” I replied
Eric grinned and said, “Write it down.”
So I did: ID10T
I used to like Eric.
ARCHIE & JIMMY
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting
in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming
wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy.
"Ay've got everythin' organised ulriddy. The
fluers, the Kirk, the mootor caurs, the recuption,
the rungs, the monuster, even ma stag neyt".
Archie nods approvingly.
"Ay've even bought a brand new kilt to be
married in," continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic. You'll
look pure mustard in that, Jimmy. What's the
tartan?"
"Och," says Jimmy, "ah'd imagine she'll be in all
white."
COMPLETELY NAKED
Scared the postman today by going to the door
completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him
more, my naked body, or the fact that I knew
where he lived.
NEW BOSS
A large steel manufacturing plant, feeling it was
time for a shakeup, hired a new manager. This
new boss was determined to make an impression and rid the company of all its slackers.
On his first tour of the facilities, he noticed a
young man leaning up against a wall. The place
was full of workers and the new boss wanted to
let them know that he meant business. So he
asked the young man, "How much money do
you earn a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him
and said, "I make £200 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here," before marching off to his office and returning a few minutes
later with a cheque for £800. "Here's four weeks'
severance pay,” he announced loudly for all to
hear. “Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO
looked around the workshop and asked, "Does
anyone want to tell me what that lazy sod did
here?"
From across the workplace a voice rang out,
"He was the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
dressed and very dirty too. She told me that she
hadn't eaten for three days.
“So, in my compassion, I brought her home and
warmed up the sausage toad and mash that I
made for you last night - the meal you wouldn't
eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
“The poor thing devoured it in minutes.
“Afterwards, since she needed a good clean-up,
I suggested she take a shower. While she was
doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and
full of holes, so I threw them away and gave her
that designer outfit that you don't wear because
you say it’s too tight.
“I also gave her the underwear that I bought you
for an anniversary present, but you don't wear
either because you say I don't have any taste.
“I also gave her that sexy blouse that my sister
gave you for Christmas that you also never
wear, simply to annoy her.
“And I also donated those boots you bought at
that expensive boutique in town and don't wear
simply because one of your friends has a pair
that are exactly the same.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued,
“She was so very grateful for my understanding
and help that as I walked her to the front door,
she turned to me with tears in her eyes and
said, “Do you have anything else your wife isn’t
interested in?”
HAND GRENADES
Paddy and Mick find three hand grenades and
decide to take them to the police station.
Mick says, “But what if one explodes before we
get there?”
Paddy rubs his chin and thinks for a minute,
before exclaiming, “No problem! We just lie our
arses off and say we only found two.”
RACING SNAIL
Paddy’s racing snail is not winning anymore, so
Paddy decides to take its shell off to reduce its
weight and drag and make it more aerodynamic.
But it doesn’t work. If anything, it made the snail
more sluggish.
TWO WIRES
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking
out of it. So he ’phones the police and says,
“B’jasus! I’ve just found a sandwich that looks
loike it moight be a bomb!”
The operator asks, “Is it tickin’?”
Paddy says, “No. I tink it might be beef.”
ROLF HARRIS
Rolf Harris was in the supermarket when a little
old lady asked, "Are you that bloke from the
seventies who did Two Little Boys?"
"No," Rolf replied. "That was Gary Glitter."
DISRESPECTFUL PIG
She came home early and found her husband in
their bedroom making love to a very attractive
young woman.
“You are the most disrespectful pig!” she cried.
“How dare you do this to me; a faithful wife to
you for twenty years, the mother of your three
lovely children? I'm leaving you, you ungrateful
swine.“
“Now hang on just a minute, love,” replied the
husband coolly. “At least let me tell you exactly
what’s happened here.”
“Fine! Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they'll be
the last words you'll ever say to me.”
“Well, it was like this,” he began. “I was getting
into the car to drive home from work when this
young lady asked me for a lift. She looked so
down and out that I took pity on her and invited
her into the car.
“I noticed that she was very thin, not well
CLOSE YOUR CURTAINS
Mick says to Paddy, “For fock’s sake close your
curtains next time you’re making love to your
Shirley on the living-room settee. The whole
street was watching and laughing at you yesterday afternoon.”
Paddy says to Mick, “Well the joke’s on them
then, because I wasn’t even home yesterday
afternoon.”
READY FOR A HOLIDAY
Paddy says to Mick, “I’m really ready for a holiday, only dis year I’m goin’ t’do it a bit different,
loike. Y’see, tree years ago I went to Spain and
Shirley got pregnant. An’ two years ago I went
to Italy and lo and behold, Shirley got pregnant
again. Then just this last year I went to Majorca
and whaddayaknow, my Shirl was almost immediately with child.”
“So what’re y’goin’ t’do differently this year?”
Mick asks?”
Paddy says, “Well, I’m goin’ to take the damn
bitch with me this toime for starters.”
The Edge would like to apologise to all its Oirish readers!
All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to [email protected]
25/07/2012
15:45
Page 21
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Who’s a cutey
wutey wutey then?!
Last month The Edge confessed that it had
half-considered buying a pug dog and wondered whether there was such a thing as a
FPOC (frivolous pug owners club) that offered
a PDSS (pug dog sharing scheme)?
Well, as it happens, there isn’t.....but that
didn’t stop regular reader Kelly Taylor getting
in touch (bless her for her sins, for she knows
not what she does) and offering the mag the
opportunity to take her ickle pug dog Minnie
out for walkies in Central Park sometime,
which is something The Edge is definitely
going to take her up on.
Ooooh, but those scones do look good too!
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Page 21
26/07/2012
08:58
Page 22
Walk this way to Chelmsford’s
Girls Night Out 2012
Ladies: gather your friends and family, dress in pink, tie up your laces and
join with hundreds of ladies taking part in the highly enjoyable 6km Girls
Night Out sponsored walk on Saturday 15th September in Chelmsford.
The route, setting off at 7:30pm from Backnang Square after a special warm
up session, follows a circular route through nearby parks and will be supported by volunteer marshals to provide for your safety. This year’s theme is
Bright Pink & Stars and The J’s Hospice will have a prize for the best fancily
dressed lady of the night!
Last year, the event as attended by a very special guest; TV Coronation
Street’s Michelle Collins, who set everyone off and walked the route with all
of the participants. And Michelle will also be joining the 2012 event, subject
to her work commitments. Details at www.GirlsNightOutWalk.com
VOLUNTEER COMPLIMENTARY THERAPISTS REQUIRED
at FARLEIGH HOSPICE
Our well-being service is seeking qualified Complimentary Therapists
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If you really are ambitious call us NOW or submit your
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Call: 01245 397 570
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Page 22
THE THREE ELMS
Chignal St. James
Chelmsford CM1 4TZ
Please come along to our
BEER & CIDER FESTIVAL
10th - 12th AUGUST
Over 20 real ales
Over 20 real ciders
MUSIC, FOOD & FUN!
TEL: 01245 443151
www.the-three-elms.com
26/07/2012
08:59
Page 23
IMPERIAL PACKS ’EM IN
In these days of so called austerity, it’s good to see local restaurants
packing the punters in, so hats off to the Imperial in Baddow Road
(opposite Zagger).
This first floor restaurant has recently undergone a refurb and these
photographs were taken in July, before the OFFER (below) for AUGUST
ONLY was introduced, so you
can tell just how popular this
restaurant really is.
There’s a ‘help yourself’ buffet
that’s always being restocked
and once you’ve finished your
meal you’re right in the very
heart of Chelmsford to continue
your day/evening.
During August only, the Imperial
are also offering a FREE soft
drink or half-a-lager to every visitor who produces the advertisement
below (photocopies also accepted and only one advertisement per party
is required to take advantage of this one-off offer).
LUNCH SERVED 12 - 2.30pm
BRIGHT PINK PANTS - (say what you see) as snapped at this years
washout of a CAMRA Beer Festival in Admiral’s Park, Chelmsford.
DINNER 6pm - 11.00pm
SPECIAL OFFER
ALL YOU CAN EAT
LUNCH £4.80
DINNER £9.20
CUT THIS ADVERT OUT & BRING IT ALONG WHEN
YOU DINE IN EXCHANGE FOR 1 SOFT DRINK OR
HALF-A-LAGER P/P IN YOUR PARTY (AUGUST ONLY)!
Terms & Conditions: This offer is not valid in conjunction with any other promotional offers.
WE ARE HERE!
(Above William Hill Bookmakers)
ODEON
CINEMA
Meadows
Car Park
BADDOW ROAD
[email protected]
1st Floor, 11-15 Baddow Road,
Chelmsford, CM2 0BX.
TEL: 01245 250759 / 600022
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK
COME
SEE OUR
NEW
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Cash Payments Only - NO CARDS!
Page 23
26/07/2012
08:59
Page 24
ragically Mick Rolfe went into a
coma on May 27th of this year
whilst on holiday in Menorca.
He was a fun guy and as most of his
vast number of friends well know, he
had a real zest for living and
expressed it through his friendships
and his many sporting achievements.
Football was his first passion, with
squash taking a very close second.
Mick played in the Essex Leagues for
many, many years.
More latterly he enjoyed playing golf
and in 2011 he was made Captain of
Maldon Golf Club.
Mick met wife Patricia 50 years ago
and they were married for 44 years.
They have two loving children in Sam
and Scott and many happy
memories formed both together and
with family and friends.
Menorca was their first second home
where the pair forged numerous good
friendships on the Island, with everyone being totally devastated by Mick’s
sudden demise.
Mick also enjoyed spending time in
Swanage, where he and Pat had their second second home, enabling them
to enjoy so many of Dorset’s numerous activities, such as walking in the
winter months and visiting Studland beach in the summer, as well as cycling
into Bournemouth from Sandbanks.
Mick was a very talented man who could turn his hand to anything, whilst
always being ready to help almost anyone.
Fortunately he retired aged 56, offering him more opportunities to travel
both at home and abroad. Although he had visited New York and The
Caribbean - including the Panama Canal, Bermuda and Cuba, all places he
wanted to see - he still had many more plans, such as another two month
European camping stint as well as return visits to both Thailand and South
Africa, as he especially enjoyed being on safari.
So please all raise your glasses to Mick and celebrate all the good times he
helped create for everyone.
Editor’s Note
T
Mick Rolfe 19.3.44 - 4.7.12
Page 24
I knew Mick Rolfe a bit.
I used to play squash against him.
Fact is, aged 64 - 67, he used to run
me ragged in our league encounters,
which is pretty damn incredible for a
bloody pensioner!
Thing is, Mick wasn’t just ‘fit for his
age’, he was fit, period. And at 68
years young, he looked every bit like
he looks in the photograph (left),
which is a good 10 years younger
than what his birth certificate would
have us all believe.
Apparently the staff at the hospital in
Menorca where he was rushed
thought there must have been some
mistake when they read through his
records; when they read that the year
of his birth was 1944.
I used to tell him he was ‘a freak of
nature’, only I won’t be telling him that
any more, will I? And that’s precisely
why life completely sucks at times.
Correction: death is what sucks,
because this is yet another one that
simply shouldn’t have happened.
If anyone was ever going to live until a ripe old age - if you knew him - then
you’d definitely have imagined it was going to be Mick Rolfe.
As a man, he possessed two things that I simply don’t.
1. He always had a smile on his face. I never, ever, not even once, saw
Mick looking glum, moody or miserable.
2. He always seemed to have time for people.
What is a tragedy?
Define a tragedy?
I am telling you straight; the fact that this man is no longer with us is....it is,
quite simply, unjust.
Liked, respected and loved by all who knew him.
An incredibly fine fellow who’ll be sorely and sadly missed.
The Edge 01245 348256
26/07/2012
09:24
Page 25
CAMP IN STYLE WITH ‘V’ STYLE LUXURY
CAMPING
You’ll have to be quick, but The Edge has it on good authority that there’s
still some UPC (ultra posh camping) options left for the V-Fest!
‘V’ Style makes its welcomed return to the V-Fest following the huge success of these luxury living quarters at last years festival. ‘V’ Style offers
festivalgoers at Hylands Park, Chelmsford, the opportunity to dance the
days away and enjoy the nights in the comfort of high-end festival living.
To book a ‘V’ Style experience visit http://www.vfestival.com/tickets/v-styleluxury-camping.
‘V’ Style guests will enjoy the ultimate festival experience with access to
exclusive hospitality areas, an on-site baggage valet service upon arrival,
a free festival programme and, of course, warm showers. Guests can also
relax in the lounge café & bar or spruce up in a complimentary pampering
room, filled with mirrors, hairdryers and straighteners. Who said you had
to ‘rough it’ at a pop festival?!
The luxury ‘V’ Style experience offers a range of stylish alternatives to
normal, common ‘camping with the masses’ with a variety of decadent
pads including Pod Pads, Yurtels, Lux Pads, Pennard Tipis, Squrts, Hotel
Bell Tents and even a Gypsy Caravan all available to check-in to.
Festival Director Simon Moran comments: “‘V’ Style went down a storm
last year, so this year it’s back, giving music fans the chance to enjoy the
ultimate festival experience. Not all music fans like the idea of negotiating
hundreds of tents to find their bed for the night and with ‘V’ Style you don’t
have to....although you do need to book fast!”
Just so’s you’re aware, readers, the Suite Huts can accomodate 2 people
for £2,650 or 4 people for £4,000 with each person receiving a weekend
camping ticket and entrance to V-Fest, access to the hospitality bar in the
main arena plus one ‘V’ Style car-park hanger per package.
To keep up-to-date with all the news form V-Fest visit www.vfestival.com,
‘like’ V Festival on Facebook (facebook.com/vfestival) or follow @vfestival
on Twitter.
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Call Ayce for bookings on: 07538699432
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We are based within Mirabella Beauty Salon
*Offer valued at £749. Excludes BeoVision 10-32. Available until 31st August 2012.
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Receive a complimentary BeoSound 8
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Page 25
26/07/2012
DUMB & DUMBER
It’s no secret that I’m almost convinced that much of the world is
turning into an idiocracy and that
most people are too stupid to be
able to find their own arses without
both hands and a map tattooed
onto their stomachs. While some
people may see this a disgustingly
elitist viewpoint, I stand firmly by it,
backed up as I am by pretty much
the entire weight of human history
and the dozens of moronic things I
see and read every single day.
No caption required
As much as I’m tempted to let my
natural cynicism and disdain for
humanity in general put the rise of
the idiot down to people just being
stupid, I realised this wasn’t perhaps the most scientific approach.
So instead, I started to do a bit of
research and discovered some
rather surprising facts. If you are
one of the people that I would consider to be stupid (and you probably are) then fear not! Maybe, just
maybe, it’s not entirely your fault.
You’re probably unaware that
research has found that simply
living in a city actually makes you
more stupid, although no-one
bothered to mention that when
Chelmsford was bidding for city
status, did they? Experiments were
carried out where one group of
people walked through a city while
the other walked through a park. At
the end of their excursions both
teams were given a battery of tests
involving memory, attention and
basic cognitive skills.
Without fail, everyone who had
walked through the city performed
much worse than their meadow
rambling counterparts. One of the
really strange things is that they’ve
found that just by looking at pictures of a busy city has the same
effect on your brain. While this
does sound somewhat of a surprising result, when you come to think
about it, it’s actually pretty obvious.
Even if you’re not consciously
aware of it, whenever you walk
through a crowded city your brain
has to process dozens of sights
and sounds all at once. You have
to navigate busy pavements full of
alcoholics and charity workers trying to guilt money out of your pockets. There are dozens of half heard
Charity worker at 50 yards,
initiate avoidance manouvers!
09:27
Page 26
ME & MY adamantium
skeleton
The Kingmeister reports
conversations floating past, fighting
with the aural shite some people
insist on playing too loudly from
their cars. The hypothesis is that
after a while, all this simply tires
your brain out and it basically starts
to run at half speed.
Another strange fact is that walking through a park isn’t just more
relaxing for your brain, it actively
improves your cognitive skills, with
the varied sights and sounds of the
natural world engaging your brain
in a beneficial way.
My advice? If you can cut through
a park on your daily walk to/from
work, then try putting that into your
route every day, even if it takes you
slightly out of your way.
Group situations, whether these
are meetings or social events, also
drain your brain. Meetings are a
particular culprit as your brain has
to deal with both the task at hand
and also your behaviour and the
stress of your percieved standing
within the group.
I work in the public sector and we
love a good meeting, we do. And
it’s frankly surprising that I’m not a
drooling mess and defecating into
my own pants by now.
Another interesting fact about
group situations is that if you think
you’re not performing as well as
other people, then you will actually
start to perform worse than them.
Some people are simply wired to
perform better on their own, a fact
that I will add to my arsenal of reasons why it’s OK for me to be a
misanthrope.
A completely unsurprising development of these tests was that men,
across the board, perform worse
when there are women present. So
ladies, if you’re in a work or social
situation with us men, then I can
tell you now we’re doing one of
three things: (1) trying to look at
your tits without getting caught (2)
actually looking at your tits without
getting caught (3) imaging what
it’s like to have sex with you.
In my head, all my meetings
look like this
Personally, I don’t think you ladies
give us enough credit for all this
extra work our brains are doing,
but this argument always seems to
recieve short shrift. Science has a
perfectly rational explanation for
this behaviour. They call it: ‘The
Penis’.
The internet - something that
should be a treasure trove of information, a proper bastion of knowledge - is also making us stupid,
whilst Facebook is an ideal culprit
to start with. We’ve already covered what an absolute load of
twaddle I think Facebook is in previous editions, so I won’t harp on
about it again. However, I may well
have to start up my very own unsocial network site to balance things
out a bit.
Perhapswww.kingpinsaysgof**kyou
rselves.com would do it?
Facebook is helping everyone who
uses it all get a little bit dumber, not
just by publishing the narcissitic
drivel that people spew up every
five seconds, but by its filtering
software. It remembers what links,
posts and updates you clicked ‘like’
to and then beings to filter the
information it sends you accordingly. What this means is that you’re
more likely to get shown posts from
people who you have agreed with
in the past as opposed to being
shown what everyone on your list
posts.
Sure, you can set it to show everything, but the default is for Facebook to filter things out for you,
which basically puts you in a little
internet bubble of ‘yes-men’ who
agree with pretty much everything
you say. And if you can’t see why
this is bad, then you should know
that the best thing for your brain and you as a person - is diverse
information and opinions. Your
brain gets much more of a workout
debating and arguing than it does
just agreeing with everything and
being smug.
You should also know that your
brain is pretty much like any other
muscle in your body and needs a
regular workout to stop it turning
into the cranial equivalent of Rab
C. Nesbitt. Unfortunately, like your
other muscles, the brain tends to
get better at doing whatever exercise you give it most, and this is
where we get back to that diverse
stimulation I mentioned.
Things like Facebook and Tumblr indeed the internet in general - is
all about quick bite-sized headlines. You rarely read in the traditional sense when you’re online...
you skim instead. What this means
is that we’re basically training our
brains to have a crappy attention
span. We’re great at getting a brief
overview of the facts, but we’re no
good at digging into those facts
anymore, which also means that
we’re much worse at figuring out if
such so called ‘facts’ are actually
true or not.
Your brain is an amazing piece of
hardware and if you’re lucky
enough to be born with a working
one, then you owe it to yourselves,
and to others, to use it. The world
is getting short on a lot of things
these days, but unfortunately dumb
arses aren’t one of
them.
So why not give
your brain a workout
every now and
again, push it a little
bit, and I can promise you you’ll be
surprised at just
what it can do.
Jesus Christ - everyone’s at it these days
26/07/2012
09:36
Page 27
LO C A L M U S I C R E V I E W
July, as we all know, was quite a hectic
month, what with the Queens Jubilee and
the Olympic Torch procession, writes Andy
of James Dace Music in Moulsham Street.
There was a great vibe in our streets to
witness the Olympic flame, thanks to all you
local Chelmsfordians who turned out in style,
which is more than I can say for the new
acclaimed Chelmsford City Council who did
sod all to promote the celebrations. “Typical,
huh? Bloody bureaucrats. What did they
ever do for us?” Anyway, moving along and
speaking of vibes, there is a new wave of
energy when it comes to live music in
Chelmsford which is just what the doctor
ordered....
A new flame has been lit courtesy of
‘EVOKE’ Night Club, formally Chancellor
Hall, which many of you will know from the
60’s through to the 80’s hosted some great
names in rock history, such as The Clash,
The Undertones, Thin Lizzy, The Buzzcocks,
The Specials, Wilson Picket, Fleetwood Mac,
‘10CC, Ultravox, Madness, Adam and the
Ants, Alison Moyet & Yazoo and Bad
Manners to name but a few.
With it’s new lease of life at Chancellor Hall,
‘EVOKE’ are bringing back the good times
when it comes to live music and Thursday
July 19th got off to a great start with a positive spark. MISSING ANDY - famous for
their runners-up accolade on SKY TV’s reality music competition ‘Must Be Music’ topped the bill with a great display of songs
from their new album ‘Generation Silenced’
whilst also throwing in a ‘Madness’ classic
crowd pleaser ‘Baggy Trousers’ for their loyal
supporters. And we mustn’t forget the support band Mad Mod’s are Englishmen who
are no stranger to the big stage themselves,
having a pedigree of supporting top bands
such as the Kings of Leon, Ocean Colour
Scene and The Specials. They too warmed
up the crowd with a hot set of covers from
The Who and the Rolling Stones to the
Beatles and even a bit of Northern Soul
thrown in for good measure. But both these
great bands created a bit of history by being
the first bands to grace the stage since the
closure of Chancellor Hall many years ago
and at the same time set a new benchmark
for our very own live music scene which can
only be great news for many of you music
lovers and local bands out there.
So what’s next?
Well, the live music keeps on coming to
‘EVOKE’ every second Thursday of the
month and the first official night will kickstart on Thursday August 30th featuring
80’s Ska/Reggae Punk Band Bad Manners
fronted by the man himself ‘Buster Blood
Vessel’.
Yes, finally, at long, long last, a great named
band is coming back to the centre of
Chelmsford, courtesy of promoter yours truly,
me! So let’s reminisce back to our youth and
have a bloody great night, because let’s be
honest, I think we could all do with a blast,
couldn’t we?
And for all you Blues enthusiasts out there,
‘Blues in the City’ will emerge on our scene
from 27th September at various venues
including Acoustic Blues artists performing at
the Hooga Bar while the final stage of the
festival will be held at ‘EVOKE’ on Sunday
30th September featuring the Blues
Corporation, The Mustangs, Rosco Levee
and Earl Green & the Right Time promoted
by Nick Garner.
But it doesn’t stop there as more bands are
soon to be announced in the schedule mix
and there may even be a few surprises on
the way, so keep your ears to the ground,
keep tuned-in, keep on supporting LIVE
MUSIC IN CHELMSFORD and let’s back to
the good times!
IT’S ALL ABOUT
THE LEATHER
www.hideworks.co.uk
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The Edge 01245 348256
Page 27
26/07/2012
09:40
Page 28
FIFTY...NOT OUT
by Steve Ward
GOOD TUNE, INNIT?
YOUR CAR
YOUR CHOICE!
Make the right choice!
It’s time to service your car. Where do you turn? You take it to the main dealer, right?
Well it’s your car, so it’s your choice…
You may think that when you purchase a new car you should only go back to the main dealer and that going to
another service centre will void your warranty but this is not the case.
Your independent garage offers experienced and fully qualified technicians as well as diagnostics and other servicing
equipment. They will also guarantee to fit parts that are of an approved quality standard.
Choosing an independent garage over a main dealer will save you time and money and provide a fast, efficient,
‘hassle free’ and friendly service.
So shop smart, make the right choice. Choose your local independent garage.
It’s your Right to Choose
Ask your local independent garage for more information or visit www.right2choose.org.uk
Page 28
By the time you get to read this,
the Olympics will be in full swing.
Those of you that work in London
will be cursing Seb Coe, David
Beckham, Tony Blair and anyone
else who had anything to do with
screwing up your daily journey in
such a spectacular fashion. And of
course, the whole purpose of
spending a gazzilion quid was to
make the trains from Chelmsford
to Liverpool Street even more of a
lottery than they are usually.
OK, we're exaggerating a bit to
make a point, but it is definitely
going to be a problem for anyone
trying to go about their daily business in and around London for the
weeks the games and their para
version are in play.
Yes, it's a prestigious thing to have
been awarded, and the fact that it
annoyed the French was an
added bonus, but by and large,
the games are a bit of a risk to the
country's image. The transport
infrastructure isn't capable of handling a normal load, so the organisers have had to go to some
extraordinary measures to paper
over the cracks. We've been told
to work from home, which is not
very easy for bus drivers, is it? Or
sandwich shop owners. Or shelf
stackers. Then, should you decide
you are going to ignore the warnings and travel in to London anyway, there are special lanes laid
out on all the major routes that
only the cars of the Games' dignitaries are allowed to use. Fair
enough for the athletes and
umpires - it would be disastrous
PR if Usain Bolt missed the 100
meters final because the tube
broke down, which is a completely
believable scenario in normal
times.
On the other hand, does the
Nigerian High Commissioner really
deserve a special lane so that he
can be whisked from his West End
embassy to Stratford in speedy
luxury to rub noses with the great
and good (and David Cameron) at
a cocktail reception?
OK, so that's all a bit killjoy and
maybe the games will be a spectacular success and the world will
see London as a go-to destination
in the same way that Barcelona
became a true world city after it
hosted the Olympics in 1992.
Maybe the joy felt by people letting their pokey little one bed
council flat in Barking for several
thousand pounds will outweigh the
groans from those trying to get
around. Maybe everyone will
ignore the anti-aircraft rockets on
the top of the old Bryant & May
building. Maybe, maybe.
Incidentally, if it were deemed necessary to actually use those antiaircraft rockets, where will their
target fall? Slap bang on some
poor bugger's house in east
London. Which makes it a rob
Peter to pay Paul type situation,
doesn't it. We stop Jess Ennis
from losing her medal, but half of
Hackney disappears in a fireball
instead. It's not been thought
through.
Anyway, all that was by way of an
introduction to a few thoughts
about something central to the
very essence of what constitutes
Britishness. It's a subject that
comes up from time to time without any resolution or potential
change ever actually happening.
It's something that will come to
your mind again during the
Olympics when a Brit stands atop
the rostrum, tears streaming down
his or her face, as the Union flag
is unfurled in the drizzle, and the
dreadful dirge that is our National
Anthem creeps out of the speakers apologetically.
You will undoubtedly ask yourself
why, when we’re supposed to be
celebrating a famous British victory, the tune we do it to has to
sound so bloody miserable.
When compared to the jaunty little
ditty that is the Italian version, the
military style French Marseillaise,
or even the stirring US national
anthem when it's actually sung by
someone with decent lungs, ours
is, well, we'll use the word again a dirge. Fortunately, they only ever
use one verse of it, because there
are actually five, and if they played
all that lot, the stadium would be
empty, or asleep, before it ended.
Still, at least one verse of ours
doesn't go on for six minutes like
the Uruguayan one.
If we accept the current ode to
Her Madgeness isn’t very good,
what should we have instead?
Billy Connolly always used to
reckon the theme to The Archers
would do it - cheerful, hummable
and about twenty seconds top-tobottom. Other people have suggested Monty Python’s ‘Always
Look on the Bright Side of Life’,
the Beatles ‘All You Need is Love’
and even a two minute loop of
‘Barmy Army’.
But if we really want one that
reflects British society and attitudes, there’s but one song that
hits the bulls-eye slap bang in the
middle. You have to be of a certain age to remember it, but in the
1970s Sham 69 had a big hit with
it. Yup, that one called ‘Hurry Up,
Harry’, but which everyone knows
by it’s chorus, which goes…..
We’re going down the pub.
To comment on this article email: [email protected]
26/07/2012
09:40
Page 29
SPONSORS of the
Wedding Show on
Saturday 8th & Sunday 9th September 2012 at the Brentwood Centre
Channels & Little Channels
Situated on the Cliffords Estate just north of Chelmsford and on the outskirts of the picturesque
village of little Waltham are two of the finest Wedding Venues in Essex.
NEWS FLASH – What was Regiment Way is now to be known as Little Channels
as of 1st September 2012
Visit both of our venues at our Wedding Open Day
on Sunday 16th September 10am-6pm
Situated within the grounds of the Cliffords Estate, adjacent to Channels, is Channels Lodge.
This gold award winning hotel provides 17 luxurious individually designed bedrooms all with en-suites and includes
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For Further details about our venues please call
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Little Channels 01245 362210
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The Edge 077 646 797 44
Page 29
26/07/2012
10:12
Page 30
TOTALLY TRACIE
FIFTY SHADES...
Is there a woman alive today on the
planet who has not read the Fifty
Shades of Grey trilogy? Every
Facebook quote and every Twitter
tweet I read seems to be to do with
FSOG. Every woman wants a
Christian Grey in their lives, complete
with the ‘Popsicle’ safe words and I
have to agree, me too, although I
hasten to add not just for the nonstop sex, but for the endless supply
of Christian Laboutin shoes.
One poor lady was reportedly so
engrossed in the book that she did
not notice her chip pan had caught
fire and was burning her house down!
Women just can’t get enough of it. It
is the most downloaded book of all
time, apparently even bigger than the
Bible with over 40 million copies sold
worldwide. It’s certainly touched a
raw nerve in us women. Virgin
Airlines have even included it in their
in-flight entertainment, as an audio
book! However, I doubt after 10 hours
holed up in Economy Class anyone
would feel the least bit in the mood
for sex. But Mr Grey and his private
jet, oh yes, I would definitely grit my
teeth and succumb to a good thrashing for the chance of giving up
screaming kids hurling themselves up
and down the aisles.
Bedrooms have suddenly become
red hot with us girls wanting more
than merely ‘vanilla’ sex. Our inner
goddesses are just waiting to leap out
with some meringue - salsa moves.
Anne Summers reports a complete
sell out of whips, blindfolds and handcuffs whilst B&Q have not got a cable
tie left anywhere on their shelves.
And those sneaky estate agents never ones to miss a trick - have
been hastily rewriting their sales
particulars to include ‘Room for a
Playroom’.
Once women wanted a new kitchen
and an extra bedroom for guests to
stay over, but not anymore. Sod that!
What women want after reading
FSOG is an extra room suitable for
installing a ‘Flogging Cross’ and a
cabinet full of whips. Good luck
explaining that one next time the
mother-in-law wants to stay over.
The Internet Dating site
Sugardaddy.com and meetamilionaire.com have reportedly been inundated with women signing up in the
hope of meeting their very own Mr
Grey. Suddenly geeky IT men have
become very fashionable indeed.
Women are now looking at men and
sizing them up to see if they have a
Page 30
BDSM streak capable of making our
insides practically contort with potent,
needy, liquid, desire...or is it just
going to be ‘vanilla’ from here on in?
Asked what women liked most in the
book, 79% said they loved the line
from Mr Grey where he says, "I'm a
very wealthy man, Miss Steele, and I
have expensive and absorbing hobbies" whilst 90% said they loved the
idea of a dominant man. Blimey,
Emily Pankhurst must be spinning in
her grave right now!
But it would appear that men are not
feeling the same way about the book.
A Mr. Hodgkinson became so
enraged about his partner reading it
that he threw Brown Sauce all over
her and received a charge for
common assault. Maybe if he had
smothered her in whipped cream,
Baby Oil or hot wax instead, he
would have been in for the night of
his life?
But men have nothing to fear for they
are about to get their very own version. Yes, Peter Andre has
announced that he is going to write a
book for men.
I managed to get a sneak preview of
his first chapter and for the benefit of
all you chaps out there, here goes:
“The Mysterious Girl sauntered into
the bathroom, holding a can of
Orange Spray Tan, which she then
proceeded to cover my entire naked
body with.....”
Laters Baby!
EMBARRASSING
MOMENTS
I had cause to visit the doctors the
other day, but before popping in I
anticipated the long wait, so I nipped
into the local newsagent and bought
myself a magazine to read and a bag
of Maltesers to scoff whilst I was in
the waiting room. Anyway, when I
arrived at the surgery, I popped my
mobile phone in the glove compartment as I didn’t want to disturb anyone in there should it ring. Sitting
down I started to read the magazine
and began what I always do - tear
bits out that interest me to keep.
I noticed the receptionist tutting at me
and when my name was called out, I
promptly put the magazine under my
arm and noticed the receptionist positively glare at me.
After seeing the doc I then went back
out to make a fresh appointment with
the angry receptionist who was very
short with me. As I was leaving, she
said, “Have you quite finished with
that magazine?” I snapped back at
her, “No, I haven’t!” and promptly
stuffed it into my bag and left.
Well, when I got back home and went
to retrieve my phone from the glove
compartment, I nearly died when I
discovered the magazine I had originally bought also in there, along with
the bag of Maltesers. How absentminded of me was that? So I had
inadvertently stolen from the Doctors
Surgery right under the very nose of
the receptionist. I could have died of
embarrassment right there and then.
So I went back the next day and
apologised profusely, only I know she
is an Edge reader so I just wanted to
apologise properly in print and thank
her for her good humour once I’d
explained and handed over a few
replacement magazines - but not my
Maltesers!
[email protected]
27/07/2012
12:34
Page 31
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Page 32
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Read August`s The Edge as a PDF

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