Seasons of Life - Visiting Nurse Service of New York

You Can
Do It—
We Can
Help
page 1
page 3
Mi gente:
Un grupo de
apoyo para
hacer frente
a su duelo
con esperanza
VNSNY Hospice
and Palliative Care
Bereavement Services
Calendar: September–
December 2013
page 5-6
Reflections
on Grief
page 8
Seasons of Life
A Bereavement Newsletter from the VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care Program
September October 2013
Volume 15 Issue 1
You Can Do It—We Can Help
Rev. Vincent M. Corso, M.Div, LCSW-R, Manager of Spiritual Care and Bereavement Services
I
admit to an occasional attraction to Home
Depot. The marketing department cleverly
appeals to “do-it-yourselfers” wishing to
accomplish a household job over a weekend.
Many times I have started a project with all the
tools and materials needed and accomplished it
with minimal difficulty. While I may not have
needed the help offered from the experts at
Home Depot, knowing they were available
was reassuring.
of spiritual darkness. Most feel as if they are
on a wild roller coaster ride, one minute feeling
calm, the next feeling upside down.
Yet the majority of grieving people are
like Home Depot customers. They have the
tools necessary within or around themselves
(family, friends, time, faith or personal
philosophy) to accomplish the work of grief.
They give themselves permission to feel the
pain and begin to adjust to life without the
deceased. They allow themselves to recreate
a world without the deceased. Emerging with
a vision of the future, they embrace new
opportunities for growth and relationship.
Many accomplish this work quite well.
On a New Year’s Day one year, I attempted
to unclog the kitchen sink. Instead I pierced a
pipe in the process. That unwelcome turn of
“As we celebrate Labor Day I
events led me to seek assistance from Home
reflect about the hard work
Depot. Thanks to a sleepy associate in the
Signs to indicate that help may be needed
plumbing department I was soon on my way
involved in grief. True, grief is
Our culture is often dismissive of anyone
with the tools to repair the clog and the leak.
seeking professional help for any type of
a process, marked by stages
Who knew someone who knew plumbing
emotional distress. Also, the person in pain
or phases through a difficult
would be working at 8:00 a.m. at Home
may be fearful of being seen as weak if asking
terrain, but it is most simply,
Depot on New Year’s Day?
for help. Some get on a path that is reckless
hard work. Grief is experienced
As we celebrate Labor Day I reflect about
or self-destructive. Harry, for example, while
the hard work involved in grief. True, grief is
grieving the death of his sister began to engage
differently by different people.”
a process, marked by stages or phases through
in reckless behavior—gambling to excess,
a difficult terrain, but it is most simply, hard work. Grief is
abusing alcohol and jeopardizing his career by frequent, unplanned
experienced differently by different people. Some feel a physical
absences. Harry could easily have suffered even greater pain and
ache or longing for the deceased. Others are uncharacteristically
loss. But thanks to vigilant friends and family, he was introduced
distracted, unable to concentrate at work, home or school. Still
to a competent counselor and bereavement support group to find
others question the very purpose of life itself, and enter a time
a more constructive path.
Continued on next page
1
Mary Ann and James Ensweiler, founders of the New
England Center for Loss & Transition, offer self–assessment
questions about the grief response. Any grieving person
might experience the following feelings for a brief time.
However, if these feelings continue, it may be time to talk
to someone knowledgeable about grieving, if only to be
sure of being on the right path.
Signs that it may be time to talk to a grief counselor:
• Do you experience an ongoing sense of numbness or
isolation within yourself or from others?
• Since your loved one died, are you highly anxious most
of the time, either about your own eventual death or the
death of someone you love? Is it beginning to interfere
with your relationships, your ability to concentrate or
your day-to-day functioning?
• Do you feel that you are continually preoccupied with
your loved one (including aspects of his or her death)
even though it's been several months since their passing?
• Are you afraid of becoming close to new people for
fear of experiencing another loss?
• Are you taking on too much responsibility for surviving
family members or close friends? (What constitutes
"too much responsibility" may vary greatly depending
on the situation, but if you're feeling heavily burdened,
angry or feeling "suffocated," it might be time to speak
with someone.)
As we venture into the fall season, remember that
though grief is difficult work it can often be accomplished
by accessing our own inner resources. If the task becomes
too heavy to handle alone, remember there are helping
hands at VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care. Together
we can go beyond fixing a problem to rebuilding lives
and relationships.
Sincerely,
Rev. Vincent M. Corso, M.Div, LCSW-R,
Manager of Spiritual Care and
Bereavement Services
Dear Friend-in-Grief,
Tell me, what is it like when the
bottom falls out of your world?
When life ceases to have any meaning
and your future is no more
When your heart breaks in two and there
seems no reason to go on
How do you find motivation for tomorrow?
Perhaps there is no answer
And you ask ”Why do such tragedies occur?”
You live your life as best you can
You help others along the way and yet...
You are rewarded with such pain
How do you face another day when half
your life is no longer here?
Do you give up and walk away with
happiness a distant place?
Or do you leave the door of your heart ajar
so that healing will enter and life reborn?
Out of tragedy new life will come
Out of darkness will come light
I try to be brave, be strong and light the
candle of tomorrow.
Daniel
Coming on Friday, October 25
H.E.A.L. Hosts
Its Annual
Halloween
Event
O
n October 25th, from 6:00 P.M.to 8:00 P.M. our
children and teen bereavement program will be
hosting its annual Halloween HEAL event.
Families with school-aged children are welcome to an
evening of pumpkin decorating, games, food, and fun!
Conversation, support, and the sharing of stories will
make this a meaningful event for families who wish to
honor a special loved one.
Michelle Hamilton • 212-609-6120
[email protected]
2
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Mi gente: Un grupo de apoyo para hacer
frente a su duelo con esperanza
E
l duelo es difícil y doloroso.
Más aún cuando, por
cualquier razón, usted no
está viviendo en su país de origen.
Se compone de emociones intensas,
profundas y tristes. Los dolientes
sufren de un corazón roto y, a
menudo describen su dolor como
un vacío en el alma. Aunque no
hay cura para el dolor, si hay apoyo
disponible para usted y usted no
tiene que enfrentarlo solo.
El mes de septiembre marcará cinco años que el
programa de pérdida de hospicio VNSNY ha estado
ofreciendo un grupo de apoyo en español para servir a
nuestras familias en duelo como miembros de la comunidad. El objetivo no es resolver el dolor, sino para darle
una voz al duelo.
Los miembros apoyan entre sí para cruzar el abismo
entre la pérdida y la vida, entre la desesperación y la esperanza. El poder del grupo le da fuerza para lograr un nuevo
comienzo en su vida, facilita la integración de la pérdida,
y estimula el crecimiento y transformación personal.
En caso de que usted desea asistir a nuestro grupo
de apoyo para el duelo, las siguientes son algunas cosas
que usted debe saber acerca de lo que hace este grupo en
un lugar seguro y acogedor para expresar el dolor y buscar
la curación.
Se anima a los miembros del grupo para compartir
sus tradiciones culturales, creencias y rituales que ayuden
a llorar la pérdida y adaptarse a la vida sin su ser querido.
Los miembros pueden participar en el grupo con un
amigo. Para la sesión de grupo final, se comparte de los
alimentos cocinados a menudo en el hogar. Hay cariño
en forma de abrazos antes y después del grupo como
muestra de calidez.
Hay una amplia gama de edades y tipos de pérdidas.
Las familias y las parejas pueden asistir al grupo.
Miembros adopten el uso de su espiritualidad para hacer
sentido de su pérdida. El grupo incorpora diferentes
modalidades para ayudar en el proceso de curación. Estos
incluyen el uso de las películas, las
imágenes guiadas para relajarse,
la música y la poesía. El grupo es
abierta y los miembros pueden
asistir a tantas o tan pocas veces
como lo deseen.
Miembros del grupo se entregan permiso para pensar
en voz alta, se ríen y lloran. Ellos
están en su mejor en estar con su
dolor y salir por el otro lado con la
esperanza. Es por luto que podemos sanar. Si bien es
cierto que un grupo de apoyo no funciona para todo
el mundo, es un gran consuelo para muchos saber
que nuestras puertas están siempre abiertas y el apoyo
es sólo una sesión de grupo de distancia.
Para mas información sobre el grupo llame a:
Elizabeth Santana, 917-608-7220 o se puede
mandar un e-mail a: [email protected]
Un Pedazo de Mi Fuerza
Te envío un pedazo de mi fuerza,
un pequeño trozo de la columna vertebral
que te ayudará quedarte a pie
un poco más tiempo, un poco más alto.
Te envío un soplo de aire fresco.
Respíralo para adentro, profundamente.
Te envío un poco de sudor de mi frente.
Hay mucho trabajo por delante.
Te envío el polvo de los antepasados,
para ayudar a tus pies en el camino.
Te he enviado oraciones en el universo
por medio de los espíritus
que me guían y cuidan de mí
a los espíritus
que guían y cuidan de ti.
—J. Royster Hills
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
On the Path from Loss to Renewal
By R. Benyamin Cirlin, LCSW-R, Social Work Manager, VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care
I
recently met with a woman
whose husband had died
some seven months earlier.
She entered my office with tears in
her eyes. The moment she sat down
the floodgates were opened, and
she literally wailed for a good five
minutes. I sat with her in silence,
respecting her pain, recognizing
her need to unload the great burden she had been carrying. When
she came to a halt, I gently inquired
about the source of her pain. In a
voice filled with passion and fear, she told me that she had
been listening to a radio program earlier in the day on the
topic of grief and bereavement, and that it had upset her
greatly. The expert guest talked about the need for the
bereaved person to say goodbye to the deceased loved one
and to let go. As soon as the words "let go" left her mouth
she began wailing once again, and dramatically shouted,
"I will never forget my husband. I will never let go of my
memories of him. How can I erase thirty-eight years of love?"
It became
clear over the
“ Loss does not require us to forget
course our
our memories, but rather to
session together
embrace them. Loss does not
that my client,
require us to stop loving our dear
with the help of
this so-called
ones, but rather to find new ways
expert, was laborto love them. Once our love was
ing under the
mediated through presence. Now
weight of a great
it is mediated through absence.”
misconception.
She believed that
she had to disconnect from all the good that she had had
with her husband and start again with a clean slate in order
to work through her grief. I tried to reassure her that
nothing could be further from the truth.
Loss does not require us to forget our memories, but
rather to embrace them. Loss does not require us to stop
loving our dear ones, but rather to find new ways to love
them. Once our love was mediated through presence. Now it
is mediated through absence. We need to learn to remember
them and love them even though we are separated.
Perhaps you, like this woman, might object. But what
about letting go—everybody talks about the need to let go.
The truth is, it seems to me, is that letting go is necessary, but
only of a certain kind. When my loved one dies, I have
to learn how to let go of my longing for their return. I have
to let go of my expectations that my life will be as it once
was. In time, often a very long time, I
have to learn how to let go of my pain,
and recognize and trust that I can be
close to my loved one without the
presence of pain.
I have to let go of longing, and in
its place, substitute remembering.
When I remember, I am conscious
of what I still have, of what I can still
hold on to. I do not dwell on what on
what I am missing, on what is absent,
but on what remains.
This process of grieving can be very difficult. Each of us
who grieves goes through a kind of emotional angioplasty, a
process of opening up new space in our hearts. We grievers
have been placed in the classroom of life in which we must
learn a new language. Any of you who have studied a foreign
language knows the amount of time, repetition and often
frustration it takes to become fluent in the new tongue. It is
a slow process, but one that is not insurmountable. So too
with the language of loving in separation. With practice,
with support, and with faith in our abilities to endure
moments, days and sometimes years of practice, we too can
learn to live in a changed world in which our memories of
our loved ones become sources of nourishment and hope.
A DEATH HAS OCCURRED
A death has occurred and everything is changed.
We are painfully aware that life can never be the same
again, that yesterday is over, that relationships once
rich have ended.
But there is another way to look upon this truth.
If life now went on the same, without the presence
of the one who has died, we could only conclude that
the life we remember made no contribution, filled
no space, meant nothing.
The fact that this person left behind a place that
cannot be filled is a high tribute to this individual.
Life can be the same after a trinket has been lost,
but never after the loss of a treasure.
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
–Paul Irion
Visiting Nurse Service of New York Hospice and Palliative Care
Bereavement Services Calendar September—December 2013
Chinese-Language Bereavement Support—Chinatown
Tuesdays • September 3, 17, October 1, 15
2:00 p.m. — 3:30 p.m.
Pamela Yew Schwartz • 347-831-1811
[email protected]
Drop-In Bereavement Groups
Participants are encouraged to attend as many sessions as
possible; new members are always welcome.
Tuesday Afternoon • Brooklyn
Tuesdays • September 10, 24, October 1, 15,
November 5, 19, and December 3, 17
12:00 p.m. — 1:30 p.m.
Dianna Sandiford • 718-787-3155 • [email protected]
Coping With the Death of a Parent
Adult Loss of a Parent • Manhattan
Wednesdays • September 11, 18, 25, and
October 2, 9, 16, 23, 30
6:00 p.m. — 7:30 p.m.
Pamela Yew Schwartz • 347-831-1811
[email protected]
Tuesday Night • Manhattan
Young Adult Loss of a Parent • Manhattan
Second and Fourth Tuesdays
September 10, 24, October 8, 22, November 12, 26,
and December 10
6:00 p.m. — 7:30 p.m.
John Anderson • 917-846-3693 • [email protected]
Wednesdays• September 11, October 2, November 6,
and December 4
6:00 p.m. — 7:30 p.m.
Mary Kay King • 212-760-3138
[email protected]
Friday Morning • Manhattan
Fridays • September 6, 13, 20, 27, October 4, 11, 18, 25
and November 1, 8, 15, 22
11:30 a.m. — 1:00 p.m.
Diane Brennan • 212-609-1722 • [email protected]
Friday Afternoon • Brooklyn
Last Friday Each Month • September 27, October 25, November
29, and December 27
2:00 p.m.—3:00 p.m.
Dianna Sandiford • 718-787-3155 • [email protected]
After the Death of a Brother or Sister
Adult Loss of a Sibling • Manhattan
Mondays • September 23, and October 28
6:00 p.m. — 7:30 p.m.
Christine Gallagher • 718-536-3187
[email protected]
After the First Year of Grief
Spanish Bereavement Group (Bi-Weekly)
For Those in the Second Year of Grief • Manhattan
For Adults • Manhattan
Thursdays • September 12, 26, October 10, 24,
and November 7, 21
12:00 p.m. — 1:30 p.m.
Diane Brennan • 212-609-1722
[email protected]
Bi-Weekly Thursdays • September 12, 26, October 10, 24,
and November 7, 21
1:30 P.M. — 3:00 P.M.
Liz Santana • 917-608-7220 • [email protected]
All groups and education programs are free; call to register and for the location
5
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Visiting Nurse Service of New York Hospice and Palliative Care
Bereavement Services Calendar September—December 2013
Bereavement Services To Support
Children, Teens and Their Families
Manhattan location unless otherwise noted.
Coping With the Death of a Parent For Children
and Their Surviving Parent or Caregivers
Children ages 4 and up will meet in a group with other grieving
children for an activity-rich therapeutic process.
Simultaneously their caregivers will meet for an adult discussion
to share their own experiences and to learn more about how
to support their children through this difficult time.
Tuesdays • October 8, 15, 22, 29, and
November 5, 12, 19, 26
6:00 p.m. — 7:00 p.m.
Janet King • 212-609-1907
[email protected]
Grief Education and Support • Staten Island
Tuesdays
September 10, 24, October 8, 22, November 5, 19, and
December 3, 17
10:45 a.m. — 12:15 p.m.
Novella Lawrence • 718-370-4305
[email protected]
Saturdays
September 14, 28, October 12, November 9, 23, and
December 7, 21
For the newly bereaved
10:30 a.m. — 12:00 p.m.
Novella Lawrence • 718-370-4305
[email protected]
Coping With a Hospice Death
Children and Grief • Staten Island
A General Bereavement Group
Upper East Side • Manhattan
Saturday • October 26
10:45 a.m. — 12:15 p.m.
Novella Lawrence • 718-370-4305
[email protected]
Thursdays • September 12, 19, 26, and
October 3, 10, 17, 31
2:00 p.m. — 3:30 p.m.
Janet King • 212-609-1907 • [email protected]
Teens Healing Together
Men Coping With Grief
Thursdays • October 3, 10, 17, 24, 31, and
November 7, 14
4:30 p.m. — 6:00 p.m.
Michelle Hamilton • 212-609-6120
[email protected]
Halloween Heal
*For families with school-aged children*
Friday • October 25
6:00 p.m. — 8:00 p.m.
Michelle Hamilton • 212-609-6120
[email protected]
Holiday Heal
*For families with school-aged children*
Friday • December 13
6:00 p.m. — 8:00 p.m.
Michelle Hamilton • 212-609-6120
[email protected]
Manhattan
Mondays • September 9, October 7, November 4,
and December 2
6:00 P.M. — 7:30 P.M.
Willis Partington • 718-888-6965
[email protected]
Coping With the Death of a Spouse or Partner
Spousal or Partner Loss for Older Adults • Manhattan
Tuesdays • September 17, 24, October 1, 8, 15, 22, 29,
and November 5
11:00 a.m. — 12:30 p.m.
Debra Oryzysyn • 212-609-1929
[email protected]
Spousal or Partner Loss for Older Adults • Queens
Third Wednesday each Month • September 18,
October 16, and November 20
11:00 a.m. — 12:30 p.m.
Willis Partington • 718-888-6965
[email protected]
All groups and education programs are free; call to register and for the location
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
No "Finish Line" for Grief
The Rev. Paul A. Metzler, D. Min.
Does grief ever end?
This is one of the most
frequently asked questions,
both by those who mourn
and by their friends and
family: Am I ever going to
get over it? Will she ever recover from grief? These are
important questions because those who grieve, as well as
those who care about grievers, need to understand and be
realistic about the experience of grief.
How long does grief last?
I have been grieving the death of my best friend, Ralph,
since he was killed in Vietnam in 1968. I never thought
that I was pathologically "stuck" by being able, at various
times, to grow very sad and even tearful when a certain
circumstance brought his life, his death, and his loss into
sharp awareness. I have been glad, therefore, to find in
the grief literature a growing acknowledgement that
grief does not have a finish line; that "resolution," "moving
on," and "closure" may be the wrong words and images
to describe what we as human beings do inside of our
selves with losses that matter.
Continuing Grieving
Bruce Horacek (Death Studies, 1991) has challenged two
common assumptions which have shaped much of the
grief literature: (1) that grief is time-limited and can be
completed after one or two years; and (2) that the main
task of grieving is a “detaching" of emotional connection
to the loved but now deceased person. He suggests an
alternative model in which a griever may be able to
adjust and adapt to a loss in terms of daily life and
functioning, but continues to grieve indefinitely. Among
other implications, he notes that those who provide
support to grievers need to be careful that we do not place
unrealistic expectations upon them to complete grief in
some full manner. To expect a griever will "get over" the
death of a spouse, parents, children, and other significant
persons adds to the burden of an already complex and
emotionally demanding grief process.
No real "finish line" for grievers
Each griever needs to find the right way to live with the
loss that fits him or her, no matter what the time line.
Even the expectation that a griever should "finish" and
"get on" with living can often cause further anguish.
Every instance of grief is unique, including how long
it endures.
Pelkey Grief Education Workshops
Educational workshops designed to teach about
the grief process. • Please call to register. •
Manhattan location unless otherwise noted.
Rebuilding Your Identity After Caregiving
Monday • September 23
6:00 P.M. — 7:30 P.M.
Diane Brennan • 212-609-1722
[email protected]
Healing Loss With Laughter
Thursday • October 10
6:00 p.m. — 7:30 p.m.
Diane Brennan • 212-609-1722
[email protected]
Fall Labyrinth Walk
Saturday • October 12
9:30 a.m.
Debra Oryzysyn • 212-609-1929
[email protected]
Making the Holidays Meaningful and
Manageable
Thursday • November 7
6:00 p.m. — 7:30 p.m.
Vince Corso • 212-609-1905
[email protected]
Hacer Frente al Duelo Durante las Fiestas
Viernes (Friday), Noviembre (November) 22
11:00 a.m. — 12:30 p.m. • Piso 7
Liz Santana • 917-608-7220
[email protected]
After the Death of a Brother or Sister For Adults
Monday • November 25
6:00 p.m. — 7:30 p.m.
Michelle Hamilton • 212-609-6120
[email protected]
Grief in the Workplace
Thursday • December 5
6:00 P.M. — 7:30 P.M.
Diane Brennan • 212-609-1722
[email protected]
Making the Holidays Meaningful
and Manageable
Thursday • December 12
6:00 p.m. — 7:30 p.m.
Christine Gallagher • 718-536-3187
[email protected]
7
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care
Non-Profit
U.S. Postage
1250 Broadway, 7th floor
PAID
New York, NY 10001
New York, NY
Permit No.
2147
LOOK INSIDE FOR:
SEPTEMBER-DECEMBER 2013
CALENDAR OF EVENTS
Reflections on Grief
Grief is the Process of Healing Loss
The Wilderness of Grief
By Nancy Reeves
Presence (Vol. 13, No. 4., December 2007)
By Alan Wolfelt
Grief is the process of healing loss. It is a holistic process,
with physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual dimensions
interconnecting. We don’t just grieve for the fact of a loss
but for all the meanings and implications of that loss. As we
adjust to any particular loss, we usually revisit some of these
implications a number of times. For example, it is not possible to deal at once with the many changes in relationships
that follow from a major loss.
So instead of viewing the grieving process as a series of
stages of emotions or tasks to be completed, I conceptualize
it as a spider web, with each strand a different meaning. If I
want to assist grievers, I will become aware of the meaning
their loss has for them at that moment of time. And I will be
prepared to accompany them in their reality, painful as it is.
Seasons of Life
It takes a true commitment to heal in your
grief. Yes, you are changed, but with commitment and
intention you can and will become whole again. Intention is
defined as being conscious of what you want to experience.
When you set your intention to heal, you commit to positively influence the course of your journey. You might tell
yourself, “I can and will reach out for support in my grief. I
will become filled with hope that I can and will survive this
loss.” Together with these words, you might form mental
pictures of hugging and talking to your friends and seeing
your happier self in the future.
Of course, you must still honor and embrace your pain during this time. You are committing to paying attention to
your anguish in ways that allow you to begin to breathe life
into your soul again.
Editor: Rev. Vincent M. Corso, M.Div, LCSW-R, Manager of
Spiritual Care and Bereavement Services
Published with the help of VNSNY’s Marketing Department.
For more information please contact me:
[email protected] or call me at 212-609-1905
8
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life