Seasons of Life Newsletter - Visiting Nurse Service of New York

Todos
Tenemos
una
Dimensión
Espiritual
Signs of
Healing
page 1
page 3
VNSNY Hospice
Care Bereavement
Services Calendar
Spring-Summer 2016
The Paradox
of Suffering
____________
Grief and Guilt
Workshop
page 4
pages 5-7
Seasons of Life
A Bereavement Newsletter from the VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care Program
Spring Summer 2016
Volume 22 Issue 2
Signs of Healing
Adapted by Rev. Vincent M. Corso, M.Div, LCSW-R, Lead Bereavement Counselor • From E.S. Zinner, Psy. D. • Reprinted with permission.
Change in Focus
New Beginnings
J
ust as crocuses are the first sign of spring following the
bleakness and endlessness of a cold and dreary winter,
there are early signs of recovery from the long and painful
journey through grief.
Survivors come through the grief process forever changed by
their loss, but the majority do come through. Look sensitively
and carefully for these sign of recovery:
Lessening of Pain
One early indicator of grief recovery is the lessening of the
frequency, intensity, and duration of emotional pain. Recurrent
thoughts about a loved one who has died, and chronic tearfulness
following this loss, are common bereavement symptoms, but when
you realize that you have had a few good days in a row, recovery
has begun. When good days outnumber the bad, you are well on
your way toward successfully adjusting to your loss. For some,
having a 24-hour period go by without asking the “why” question
is a positive sign. Another positive sign is when you begin to see
options and possibilities for a future without your loved one.
As grief softens, you will find that you are able to talk about—
and remember—the deceased with greater pleasure. Memories
that once brought only pain and tears may now bring comfort
and even a smile as you recall your loved one’s favorite TV show,
favorite food, or the person’s sense of humor. You may notice, too,
that you talk more about the life of your loved one than about the
period associated with the death. This shift in focus provides
many more comforting memories than does the earlier dwelling
on the details surrounding the death. At the same time, a
more balanced picture that acknowledges the good and bad
characteristics of the deceased allows us to mourn the loss
of a human being—and not a saint.
Increased Enjoyment
As you work through your grief, your genuine enjoyment of
activities and people reappears. Laughter returns, uninterrupted
by thoughts of guilt about living on or of pain about being left
behind. Emotional energy that no longer goes into the early
phases of grief can be invested in new activities or reinvested
in old pastimes and relationships. The process of “re-owning”—
that is, taking back hobbies, vacation spots and restaurants once
shared and, following the death, given up—is an important
step in grief recovery.
It takes tremendous courage to face old haunts for the first
time, but the creation of new memories nourishes and propels
the efforts toward fully living again.
Continued on next page
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Role of Comforter
Finally, a real test for grief recovery is the ability to
encounter grief and pain in others, with compassion
and empathy and without your own grief being rekindled.
Are you able to help othersin grief without becoming
overwhelmed by your own losses? If the answer is yes,
then you have done well in wringing out of your own
experience the ability to offer genuine comfort to others.
Seasons come
“ The process of ‘re-owning’—
and go, but our losses remain with us.
taking back hobbies, vacation
Recovery does not
spots and restaurants once
mean forgetting or
shared and, following the
going on as if wholly
death, given up—is an
cured. It does mean
important step in grief
that acute pain
recovery”
caused by the loss is
now a bearable ache
and that our commitment to go on despite significant loss in
our life will bear the fruit of love and laughter once more.
Sincerely,
M.Div, LCSW-R,
Lead Bereavement Counselor
Grass in Springtime
Moving with the gentle motion of the fresh breeze
I move gently back and forth with my fellow blades
in the sweet breath of spring.
We live outside and get wet or dry
With the varying weather and seasons.
I get trodden on by small feet
Dear Friend-in-Grief,
My name is Marissa and it is an honor to share my story
with you.
Depression, pain and debilitating fear of the
unknown ruled our days and lay heavy over our
household. After one last terrible night of listening to
my husband’s hopelessness, we talked about a better way
. . . with hospice. I awoke the next morning and called
the Visiting Nurse Service of New York. From from that
moment on, a breath of fresh air entered our lives and
lifted the fear and isolation of living with terminal
cancer. It turned out to be the best decision we ever
made. During those last four months, the home
hospice care my husband received made it possible
for him to return to the things he loved…reading,
writing, and photography. We were also able to take
memorable walks through our Upper West Side
neighborhood where we worked, raised our children
and shared our lives together for 35 years. In fact,
hospice made such a qualitative difference that my
husband was fond of saying, “they gave me my life back.”
To the entire VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care
team: Thank you all for your intelligent, clear and
compassionate ability to guide us through this unique
experience called “dying.” I never knew there was so
much to learn, and you taught us well.
To Vanessa, my husband’s nurse: I will never forget
how much my husband loved and trusted you and
looked forward to your visits. Your incredibly
honest, natural manner and sensitivity to my husband’s
personality and needs far surpassed our expectations.
My husband died the way he wanted to—pain-free and
with dignity in the comfort of his own home and bed.
To the VNSNY Bereavement Counselors: You truly
are an amazing group of people. Always validating my
feelings and creating a safe, supportive environment
in which I could process, learn, and work through
my grief. I became a bereavement junkie, so to speak,
attending various groups, panel discussions, movies,
walks and one-on-one counseling throughout the past
year. So now I, too, can proclaim as my husband once
did, “VNSNY gave me my life back, or rather a way
back into life.”
As children run and play up above.
They run and play and laugh and
sometimes I wish I could play
up above the sea of green,
feeling like you’re flying.
One day I might, I could be the special one
Who is picked up by loving hands
and breathed away gently
to the endless realm of sky.
—JRC
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Thank you,
Marissa
Todos Tenemos una Dimensión Espiritual
Adoptado y reimprimido con el permiso amable de la Cancer Care, Inc.,
275 Séptima Avenida, Nueva York, NY 10001
1.800.813.HOPE • www.cancercare.org
F
uera que usted se halle en
una iglesia, sinagoga o
mezquita, usted es
persona espiritual. Todos
guardamos ciertas creencias y
valores acerca de lo que vale la
pena en la vida. Muchos han
experimentado momentos
elevados en los que se han
sentido conectados a un realidad
más profunda; fuera que identifique a esa realidad como Dios,
La Verdad o El Gran Misterio, como los indígenos
americanos lo hacen. Los momentos espirituales pueden
surgir a cualquier momento; como cuando se siente uno
cerca a la naturaleza, mira en la cara de un ser querido o
entra en una casa de adoración y siente un poder más alto.
Las creencias y experiencias de cada persona se
alimentan de distintas maneras. Para algunos, la
participación en una tradición es importante. Otros
extraen un entendimiento espiritual de la filosofía o las
artes. Cual sea su orientación espiritual, recuerde que
ésta es una dimensión de su vida que se puede desarollar
y fortalezer más.
Un Fuerte Sentido de la Espiritualidad
Puede Ayudarle
Un sentido de significado, propósito y conexión, más
aya de sí, puede ayudarle a tener una mejor calidad de vida
durante el proceso del duelo. La espiritualidad también
le puede ayudar a poner sus problemas en perspectiva. Las
prácticas, como la oración, la meditación y la adoración,
pueden ayudarle a calmarse y restaurarse. Muchos hallan
que el apoyo de los otros miembros de las comunidades
espirituales es una gran fuente de ayuda práctica
y emocional.
La Crisis Espiritual Como Senda
al Desarollo Espiritual
Recuerde que sus creencias espirituales y su perspectiva
pueden cambiar dramáticamente a través de su vida mientras usted madura y experimenta cosas nuevas. Una crisis,
aunque muy desafortunado, puede ser una parte normal de
este proceso—un tiempo para examinar sus creencias e ir
en busca de más profundas revelaciones en su vida.
Recuerde también que usted
tiene derecho de dudar e
interrogar a Dios y la manera en
que hallas comprendido a Dios,
hasta de sentir coraje. Muchas
de las tradiciones religiosas
tienen oraciones de duda y
queja. Casi la tercera parte de los
salmos en la Biblia, por ejemplo,
contiene cánticos de lamento o
queja (vease el salmo 22 o el
salmo 88). El tener dudas o
angustia no significa que usted no sea persona espiritual.
Fortaleciendo a Su Espiritualidad
A pesar de que esté en el proceso de fortalecerse,
o en medio de una evaluación nueva de sus creencias
espirituales, puede que las siguientes sugerencias le ayude:
• Tome tiempo a diario para meditar u orar. Ésto puede
traerle un sentido de calma o estabilidad durante
momentos difíciles.
• Lea las escrituras tales como las de la Biblia, el Korán
o el Bágavad Gita. Escrudiñando estas sagradas
escrituras puede ponerle al tanto de las antiguas
tradiciones de la sabiduría y darle un sentido de
conexión a una realidad más divina. Publicaciones
recientes sobre la espiritualidad también pueden
darle nuevas revelaciones.
• Busque la ayuda de otros. Puede que comienze usted
un diálogo duradero con su clero o consejero o
entrar en un grupo de meditación, oración o apoyo.
• Retírise a lugares espirituales, ambientes naturales
o conciertos y museos, para cultivar un sentido
espiritual de la paz.
• Mantenga una revista personal para que pueda
expresar sus sentimientos, pensamientos y memorias.
Puede ésto contribuir al proceso de descubrimiento
propio y desarollo espiritual.
El Sol Saldrá Mañana
(The Sun Will Rise Tomorrow)
El sol se levantará mañana y quién sabe lo
que traerá la marea?
The sun will rise tomorrow and who knows what
will bring the tide.
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
The Paradox of Suffering
Rev. Vincent M. Corso, M.Div, LCSW-R, Lead Bereavement Counselor
T
he film Steel Magnolias focuses on themes of
friendship, love, suffering, illness, life and death.
Within such parameters the plot highlights the life,
illness, and dying process of a young woman played by
Julia Roberts. Her mom is artfully portrayed by Sally Field.
Toward the end of the film there is a heart-wrenching
scene at a graveside. In it, the mom, played by Fields, is
standing in silhouette, staring into the grave of her young
daughter, who was newly married with an infant son.
Needless to say, this is a difficult scene to watch. With her
circle of close friends gathered by her side, Fields delivers
an eloquent yet tearful soliloquy questioning the universe
as to why such a terrible thing could happen to her
daughter, such a wonderful, young, vibrant person.
There really is no answer given by her friends, only
their steadfast companionship, sympathy, and humor.
This moving scene always leaves me with the same
question about the nature of suffering in our world.
Why is there suffering, why does suffering seem so
random, so devastating? Having worked in the field of
grief and loss as well as ministry for over 30 years, this
topic raises the single most frequently-asked question in
my professional life: “What is the nature of suffering?”
“Why does suffering occur?” “What is the point of life
if we just will die, perhaps of a painful, relentless disease?”
This age-old question takes many forms and is
expressed through many players. For example, a young
dad with pancreatic cancer worries about his young family,
filled with sorrow that he will not get to see his children
grow up. A grown son mourning the death of his father
with whom he shared innumerable moments of joy and
life, contemplating how painful it was to see his father
become trapped in a body consumed by ALS yet with
his mind intact. Devastating earthquakes, tsunamis,
other natural disasters, war, genocide—there are plenty
of reasons to ask the question “Why does suffering exist?”
To ask this question is to open oneself up to a paradox.
By definition a paradox is statement that is seemingly
contradictory or opposed to common sense and yet is
perhaps true. As a counselor, I encounter this question
in others and in myself, over and over again. I’ve found it
necessary to spend time reflecting on this paradox, trying
to put the question into focus—especially for the grieving.
Many bereaved often desire to find a reason for their loss,
often blaming someone or something. “If only I had
prayed more earnestly.” “If only I hadn’t done bad things
when I was younger.” “If only I had been stronger or
wiser.” “If only I had taken my husband to another
specialist or tried another round of chemotherapy.” The
“what ifs” rarely provide adequate solace or understanding,
just more questions. For this reason I’ve written a series of
myths and paradoxes which have proven to assist me in my
own journeys of grief and loss; it is my hope that they will
provide some insight for my readers:
The Paradox of Myths
• Myth: Suffering is part of some grand universal
design.
The paradox is that suffering often occurs in
the daily process of life.
• Myth: Suffering exists in order to teach us
something.
The paradox is that we can learn from suffering
and grow to become more fully human.
• Myth: Suffering is a punishment.
The paradox is that suffering sometimes
comes as the result of inadequate resources,
poorly selected personal choices made as
individuals or as a society.
• Myth: Suffering occurs to teach us something.
The paradox is that through suffering we
often build resilience, character, endurance,
hope and humility.
• Myth: Suffering occurs because one is weak.
The paradox is that one may be strengthened
by the journey through suffering.
• Myth: Suffering can sometimes destroy us.
The paradox is that it can add meaning to
our lives.
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Bereavement Services • Spring-Summer • 2016 Calendar
The David and June Pelkey Grief Education Series
Presentations designed to support people on their journey of grief
• Please note that registration is required for these groups •
Spring Labyrinth Walk
Saturday • May 7
9:30 a.m.
Debra Oryzysyn • 212-609-1929
[email protected]
Manejo del Estrés en Época de Duelo
(Stress Management of Grief and Loss)
Tuesday • June 7
Hora de Almuerzo (Lunchtime):
12:00 p.m.—1:30 p.m.
Excerpt from Presence
“ Grief is the process of healing loss. It is
a holistic process, with physical, mental,
emotional, and spiritual dimensions
interconnecting. We don’t just grieve for
OR
Tarde (Evening): 6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Rocío Ruiz • 212-209-1994 / 646-398-1795
[email protected]
Yoga for Grief • Manhattan
This is a yoga class and it will be taught by
a certified yoga instructor
Thursday • June 9
6:00 p.m.—8:00 p.m.
Michelle Hamilton Bronzo • 212-609-6120
[email protected]
the fact of a loss, but for all the meanings
and implications of that loss. So instead
of viewing the grieving process as a
series of stages of emotions or tasks to
be completed, I conceptualize it as a
spider web, with each strand a different
meaning. If I want to assist grievers,
Father Loss Panel
Wednesday • June 15
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Debra Oryzysyn • 212-609-1929
[email protected]
I will become aware of the meaning their
Proceso de luto (The Process of Grief) • Manhattan
Thursday • July 7
1:30 p.m.—3:00 p.m.
Liz Santana • 917-608-7220
[email protected]
them in their reality, painful as it is.”
loss has for them at that moment of time.
And I will be prepared to accompany
—Nancy Reeves, Presence
(Vol. 13, No. 4., December 2007)
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Bereavement Services • Spring-Summer • 2016 Calendar
• Please note that registration is required for these groups •
Weekly (Ongoing) Groups
Bi-Weekly Groups
First Year of Grief
Men Only
A daytime group for those mourning the
death of a hospice patient • Manhattan
Men Coping with Grief • Manhattan
Mondays 11:00 a.m.—12:30 p.m.
Janet King • 212-609-1907
[email protected]
Mondays • May 2, 16, June 6, 20, July 18
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Willis Partington • 718-888-6965
[email protected]
General Loss
General Loss
For Adults Grieving the Death of a
Loved One • Brooklyn
Chinese-Language Bereavement
Support • Manhattan
Tuesdays • May 3, 17, June 7, 21, July 5, 19,
and August 2, 16
12:00 p.m.—1:30 p.m.
Dianna Sandiford • 646-430-4125
[email protected]
Tuesdays • 2:30 p.m.—4:00 p.m
Pamela Yew Schwartz • 347-831-1811
[email protected]
General Loss
For Adults Grieving the Death of a
Loved One • Staten Island
General Loss
Tuesdays • May 10, 24, June 7, 21, July 5, 19
5:30 p.m.—7:00 p.m.
Alyssa Fishman • 718-370-4305
[email protected]
For Adults Grieving the Death of a
Loved One • Manhattan
Tuesdays • 6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
John Anderson • 212-760-3146
[email protected]
En Español
Spanish Bereavement Group • Manhattan
Thursdays • May 5, 19, June 2, 16
1:30 p.m.—3:00 p.m.
Liz Santana • 917-608-7220
[email protected]
Workshop
Testimonial
“I was able to be strong
because I had your
support and knew
I wasn't alone.’’
—A.K.
Special Topic (see back panel)
Grief and Dreams • Manhattan
Mondays • June 13, 27, July 11, 25
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Willis Partington • 718-715-5320
[email protected]
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Bereavement Services • Spring-Summer • 2016 Calendar
• Please note that registration is required for these groups •
Focused Groups
Monthly Groups
General Loss
Spouse or Partner Loss
For Adults Grieving the Death Of a
Loved One • Brooklyn
For Adults Grieving the Death of a
Spouse or Partner • Manhattan
Fridays • May 27, June 24, July 29,
and August 26
2:00 p.m.—3:30 p.m.
Dianna Sandiford • 646-430-4125
[email protected]
Mondays • June 6, 13, 20, and 27, and
July 11 and 18
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Mary Kay King • 212-760-3138
[email protected]
Parent Loss
Sibling Loss
For Adults Grieving the Death of a
Brother or Sister • Manhattan
Mondays • May 23, June 27, July 25,
and August 29
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Michelle Hamilton Bronzo • 212-609-6120
[email protected]
For Adults Grieving the Death of a
Parent • Manhattan
Wednesdays • June 1, 8, 15, 22, 29,
and July 6, 13, 20
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Pamela Yew Schwartz • 347-831-1811
[email protected]
Child Loss
Workshop
For Adults Grieving the Death
of a Adult Child • Manhattan
Testimonial
Thursdays • June 2, July 7, and August 4
4:30 p.m.—6:00 p.m.
Michelle Hamilton Bronzo • 212-609-6120
[email protected]
“The bereavement
services offered by
VNSNY were like an
oasis in a desert. When
I started the group, I
felt isolated and alone
and I felt life had no
meaning. When the
group was over, I felt
refreshed and on the
path to healing.
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Visiting Nurse Service of New York
Hospice and Palliative Care
Non-Profit
U.S. Postage
PAID
1250 Broadway, 4th floor
New York, NY
Permit No.
2147
NY, NY 10001
Look Inside for
Expanded Calendar of Events
Grief and Dreams
It is not unusual to have dreams
about loved ones who have died.
Sometimes the dreams are comforting
and reassuring. Other dreams may
be puzzling or even have content
that is frightening or traumatic. Some
dreams may be quite clear while some
dreams are seemingly haphazard or
random.
Over four sessions, there will be the opportunity to
learn more about dreams and their unique visual and
symbolic language. Together, we will read the book
Grief Dreams: How They Help Heal Us After the Death
of a Loved One. In addition to learning about dreams,
we will also learn about other ways to harness the
power of the unconscious in healing from loss.
The requirements for participating
in the workshop series are purchasing a copy of the book and reading
it over the course of eight weeks.
Written for people who are
grieving, the language of the book
is simpleand easy to absorb. There
is no requirement to have any
dreams either before, during or
after theworkshop sessions.
However, many people find that reading about dreams
and talking about dreams does tend to stimulate
dreaming.
If you are interested in or have questions, call me
at 718-715-5320 or email me:
[email protected].
Seasons of Life
Published with the help of VNSNY’s Marketing Department.
For more information : [email protected]
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life