the Duel Observer - Hamilton College

the
Volume ∞, Issue #1!
Duel Observer
“Knowe Thyself, Not Be Thyself.”
May 4, 2012
Congratulations, Jake!
You Chairmanned managed to get through this... get it? FORMATTING.
Rosetta Stone for The
Daily Bull found in Clinton
Unpopular publication now partially comprehensible, even more insulting
By Mr. Zappala ’12
September 26, 2008
Things better left unwritten dept.
(HAMILTON COLLEGE) Mindless excavation under the Gazebo in Clinton produced
results this week when a codex translating and
explaining The Daily Bull was found.
“The stone was unidentifiable when we got it,”
Archeology major David Mariner ’09 explained.
“It was covered in quotes from T.S. Eliot, Greek
phrases, and pieces of dialogue in the wrong order.”
Answers were finally found when the stone was
sent to the Clinton community. Kids at the Clinton
Child Care Center cracked it immediately.
“The kids process on the same maturity level as
The Bull writers,” Mariner explained. “For instance,
I noticed that one of it’s [SIC] collages eerily
matched one a five-year-old made a while back.”
The findings caused a mixed response.
Maria Owens ’09 said, “The Bull comes out to
haunt me at breakfast and tell me how inferior I am
for not getting an inside joke between one person and a
few of his alter egos. I don’t need that explained to me.”
“Wait, that stuff on the other side of the ads was
printed there on purpose?” Sarah Malloy ’11 wondered. “I thought that was just someone’s intellectual
masturbation that accidently got on the page.”
“I thought The Bull was just some random
angry letters to The Spectator and Will Leubsdorf
that got left in Commons,” Mark Jones ’12 added
on behalf of many that just discovered it’s an actual publication. “Now I want to know why my
exorbitant tuition is wasted on that and the replica of Willy Wonka’s glass elevator in KJ.”
One of the researchers, Bobby Hansen ’11,
defended The Bull.
“According to the codex, they’ve fulfilled
their mission. The Bull, by poorly lampooning
other publications, has increased their popularity, eliminating the need for itself. It’s convoluted,
but we expect nothing less from The Bull.”
When asked why the Overheard Quotes of
the Day were either not there or not funny, Hansen had no response.
Fun, Premier Celebrity at Hamilton
College, Dies At 199
By Mr. Zappala ’12
March 4, 2011
Fun, a once cherished and loved cult of personality on the
Hamilton campus, died of boredom last Saturday night.
The death comes as little surprise after the past year’s deficit of boundary-pushing humor, badass parties, and boobs.
“As streaking incidents precipitously declined,” Bobby
Binkles ’11 explained, “his heart just got weaker and weaker.
There was simply no reason to keep the blood rushing anymore.”
Fun led a great, full life at Hamilton College. He
celebrated his first birthday by smoking a couple of j’s
with Alexander Hamilton and Baron Von Steuben,
whom he always referred to as “the chillest muthas I’ve
ever had the pleasure of knowing.”
He then put the first century-and–a-half of his
life to very good use by boozing up and corrupting
every young man to pass onto the Hamilton campus.
However, in 1978, at the tender age of 176, he decided
to further his ambitions.
“I convinced the Administration to merge with the
chick campus next door and bring the ladies to us!” Fun
often boasted. In doing so, he ushered in nearly three decades of legen-wait for it-dary awesomeness. However,
Sociology M ajor’s Thesis
is…Just F ucking Terrible
Seniors celebrate the continuous lowering of
standards
By Mr. Zappala ’12
April 8, 2011
Second semester seniors Dept.
(OBVIOUSLAND) Sociology major Jimmy Doosh
’11 received harsh responses when he presented his
thesis, “Is Tyranny Bad?: My Thesis.” Aside from containing no actual information, the thesis was mainly
lampooned for failing to answer the question it posed.
“Dude,” Doosh stated, “tyranny is really complicated.
If you look at the qualitative research, the tyrannical subculture sanctions the universal traits that inspire modern
youth. But on the other hand, it’s like, tyranny. Whoa.”
Aside from several minutes of nonsensical babble
much along the same lines, Doosh’s presentation also
included lolcats, nude shots of Jessica Alba, and a keg
stand. Professors were not impressed.
“Back in my day,” Professor Kellogg complained,
“kids didn’t need help with their keg stand. We were
T h e D u e l O bse rv e r C i v il Wa r For eca st
war begins
Disgruntled by
insensitivity,
Leubsy’s sexual
harrasment
zappala
setback
lincoln-y
speech
climactic
battle
surrender
happy
ending
“Hess, you lost my “A Duel divided cannot
orders and my best stand! We can’t exist High probability
weed! This is how one half awesome, one of Joanie joke
rap-off
Lee lost Antietam”
half douche-bag”
Terms change
Zappala’s middle
name to “Benedict Asshole”
42% chance of
a Ken Burns
documentary
the last couple years crashed down hard on dear, old Fun.
“He used to spend countless weekends in the suites
guzzling the Keystone, throwing flaming furniture out
the windows, and not remembering where he was the
next morning,” Helen Marks ’12 weeped. “But after all
of the strongly worded all-campus emails against him,
he was too broken-hearted to continue. I’d do anything
to have him back!”
“On Fun’s birthday, Class & Charter Day, Fun and I
would drink a handle each, whip out the Slip n’ Slide, and
hot-box the whole atmosphere above G-Road as we went,”
James Reber ’11 joyfully recalled. “Last year though, Fun
found himself in the Dean’s office by five a.m. for hosting his
annual Tequila Sunrises at Sunrise party.”
As with most long-term sicknesses, things looked
up just before the end. Fun was last seen partying it up at
Rocky Horror in nothing but denim underwear, slapping
bare asses left and right. By this past Thursday, however,
the lack of campus thirstiness put him on permanent bed
rest. On Saturday night, the general quietness made his
condition critical and he knew it.
A long time fan of Oscar Wilde, his last words
followed along a similar vein as the British author.
“Either this hard alcohol ban goes,” Fun gasped,
“or I do.”
fucking pros. A liberal arts education means that either you can write cohesive bullshit, or that you’re a
proper drunk. But you need to have one.”
When word of Jimmy’s failures spread across
the large, expansive campus, students recalled seeing
Doosh’s thesis survey in their email only days before.
“The link I clicked that led to the line-dancing
Hitlers and Gaddafis makes a lot more sense now,”
Kim Gale ’14 explained.
David Feppler ’13 also failed to take the survey,
despite reaching the actual poll. “By the third question
asking me some form of ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, do you
like genocide?’, I decided that not even procrastination
was worth this.”
There is an ongoing investigation as to how
Doosh’s thesis advisor failed to stop this academic
train wreck before now. However, his advisor, Professor McFlurry, blamed the system.
“You have to understand the societal structures
of…actually, it’s really the pervasion of moral stimuli
in a multifaceted…Oh, fuck it, I have tenure and your
mother’s a whore.”
By Mr. Zappala ’12
Jake
“I’m gonna blow your
fuckin’ head off !”
Mr. Zappala with “best friends,”
John Carroll, Freddie Olivio, and
Adobe Photoshop
It’s exactly what
it looks like
Duel Logic Puzzle
Edited by Mr. Zappala ’12
How many people, other than you, are in the bus after
the last stop?
You’re driving an empty bus.
Answer:
1. At Psi U, five freshman, two juniors, and all the seniors
who are not taking at least one class pass-fail get in the
bus.
2. At Minor, everyone who has ever played more than
four rounds of Four-Loko-Pong gets in the bus.
3. At North, 50% of all people who enjoy studying in
the Burke Library get in the bus and one junior gets off
the bus.
4. At South, the number of sophomores that board the
bus is equal to the number of unique STDs caught within the Bundy Dining Hall bathroom plus three.
5. At 100 College Hill Road, two seniors and two sophomores get on the bus.
6. At Kirkland, the amount of sophomores that get off
the bus is equal to the number of people who’ve received
blowjobs in Clinton’s public gazebo times two.
7. At Siuda House, one junior and one sophomore get
off the bus and three pre-frosh board the bus.
R eactions to
Toy Story 3
15%
“What happened to the sociopath from the
first one?”
4%
5%
1. Five freshmen, two juniors, and zero seniors board. The second semester frosh, who act as if they are God’s gift to Hamilton because they are ONE semester more experienced than
Jans, summarily get thrown out of the bus by the juniors. The
count is at two.
2. Zero people board. The count remains two.
3. You go there to avoid people studying in the good
places, maybe, but you’re not happy there. Don’t lie to
yourselves. One junior exits, so the count is at one.
4. Three sophomores board. Surprisingly, no STDs are ever transferred within the Dining Hall
bathroom. The grass outside is a
whole different ballgame. Count
is at four.
5. Count is at four still! See, they
get ON the bus, like on top ;). “I saw your ad for
fellatio on Craigslist?”
Don’t logic puzzles blow?
6. That’d be one times two, which is two. Don’t ask:
count is two.
7. As the last two people get off the bus, the count goes to zero.
As for the last bit, remember, I asked how many people were
in the bus.
the Duel Observer
jake christopher zappalA
IS
Managing Editor/
Spock
Count Chocula
Upset Olmec
Taylor Swift
MarioWorld, Sicily
Pillaging the Corpse
Stressed from 5 courses
Dying of Drug and Alcohol Abuse Anyways
Finn Hudson
Censorship Board Chairman
Team Jacob
Pilot Inspektor Lee
iTortured Writer
Jake Juicy Bottom Bot
Dutch Helicopter
Guido Eroticus
Is
Honorary Mention, Super-Mario-Look-A-like
Il Duce, Guido Kappa Emo
Writing angsty sci-fi
Hunting Wild Leubsies
Not someone who tried to drunkenly tip his EMT on Sunday Night
G Road…liquor cabinet
Martin Luther Cognac Jr
Lightning LeDoucher
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
The Untouchables (1987)
Janet
Wile E. Coyote
Prometheus Unbound
Hannibal Lector
Sith Nazgul
Vatican City
Jack’s Mannequin
7a. Chancroids
The Great Gropesby
Dickshooter, ID
Martin Luther King, JR
St. Lee
Janet
Chandler
Self Defense
Pen Is Mightier
Lard
Inside Man
Gravity Bong
Scotch Butter
Blinded by the Sauce
Drink Named Steve
Done in 60 Seconds
I Touch Myself
Dennis
Thomas “Stonewall”
Hell on Wheels
Frank N. Furter
Bitch-me Burt
Oogie Boogie
Double Teamed!
Scotch I.V.
Non-Alcoholic Eggnog
Don’s Rok
Sno Problem
Beefcake Pantyhose
Santorum Fucks Men
Wrist String
French Kissing
Slide
Coffee
His Holiness
Jelly Beans
Bunga-Bunga Party With the Pope
A very solid friend who will be missed
“Now that toys have accepted
death, so can
I...”
“So Lotso is the
Carebear
Jay-Z?”
12%
None! How frustrating is that?
“He smells like sweet pickles...”
64%
“Where the
fuck is Andy’s father?”
“I miss my
childhood :’(.”
>.01%
“I didn’t see it. I hate kids. Love,
Brittany Tomkin.”
Favorite Bars
Prison Hershey
14% 12%
Wonka
36%
Don’s
Rok 30%
Crow
2%
Friday Five:
P ickup Lines that I R eally
Don’t Want to H ear
at the Farm Party (B ut
P robably Will)
Gold 8%
By Mr. Zappala ’12
Favorite Pies
5.
arccos(-1)
Super
Boisonberry
Cream
Apple
4.
*
*The one that gets thrown in The Duel Observer’s
face for making a terrible math joke
3.
2.
1.
“Wanna go for a roll in the hay?” (Someone
will definitely still say this, but I figured I
should make the request.)
“Do you raise chickens? ‘Cause you raise my
cock.” (Found it on the internet. God help us
all.)
“Been plowed lately?” (Really? Plowed?)
“If you wanna do some oinkin’, I can do the
boinkin’!” (In fact, ‘to boink’ should never be
used. Ever.)
“I hear Swine Flu’s making a comeback. Come
get some.” (‘nuff said.)
Fine Print: The Duel Observer is a publication of the Hamilton College Media Board, and is published every Friday. The facts and opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily true
or indicative of staff opinions. Any resemblance to persons, organizations, or institutions real or
imagined, is purely coincidental. Coincidences are coincidences.
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http://students.hamilton.edu/duelobserver/