Finally, someone who professionally channels extraterrestrials

Prompting your children to ask you what that word means and why the person in the article wants to stick that word where he says he wants to stick it, since 2002.
Briefs
Enjoyed by
newspaperreading sissies
everywhere
Report: Your iPhone
secretly tracks your location
Also, your iPad has started a
whisper campaign about
how slow you read
Hiker recounts days lost in
forest near Asheville, with
long silent scream and
thousand-mile stare
Bill would end free NC
fishing licenses for poor
However, fishing-license break
for the rich still a go
WNC residents worry
URTV’s demise will lead
to release of excess
green-screen trippiness
into atmosphere
Rules Committee:
Actors in local Footloose
production not eligible
for ‘Six Degrees of Kevin
Bacon’ game
Ala. judge, who wouldn’t
remove courthouse’s
Ten Commandments
monument, considers
presidential run,
noting ‘there’s no
commandment against
self-aggrandizement’
Finally, someone who professionally
channels extraterrestrials comes to Asheville
Unbelievably, a woman who channels
Pleiadians — the very same energy
beings who colonized Earth 22 million years ago before finding a new
home in the Pleiades — will be making a special trip to Asheville to enjoy
the sights and become a vessel for the
carefully crafted messages of our alien
forefathers.
“It’s remarkable, really,” said Dr.
Jenna Wilcox, head of UNCA’s astronomy department. “We have no
other way to learn our own story than
through the lips of this one amazing
earthling.”
That earthling — Barbara Marciniak — says, per the wishes of the Pleiadians, she “probably won’t” be doing
any pro bono channeling of Pleiadians
this weekend. But that doesn’t seem
to be deterring the throngs of people
who are anxiously awaiting the arrival
of the only person on Earth who can
transmit Pleiadian instructions, warnings, and random nuggets of wisdom
(“Don’t eat too much candy”) to the
non-channeling masses, for only $90.
“I’d like to confess my sins to the
Pleiadians, so hopefully Barbara functions as a two-way radio,” said John,
an Asheville-based tax attorney. “I had
doubts she was ‘The One,’ but when
you see her channel, you can tell she’s
definitely in
a trance.”
Marciniak’s
Saturday
workshop
and channeling event in
Asheville is
a remarkable
feat in itself, since so
many people
who claim to Marciniak, above.
channel ex- [Photo provided by
Marciniak.]
traterrestrial
intelligent
life forms wind up in mental institutions or living shameless lives of fraud
and deceit. But Marciniak, as even the
Pleiadians themselves frequently confirm via Marciniak, is the real deal.
“Why pay good money to listen to
some speaker share thoughts about life
when those thoughts haven’t sprung
straight from the minds of alien life
forms?” said Trisha, who’s taking a
break from preparing her dissertation
for a Ph.D. in neuroscience to attend
the alien-thought-channeling session.
“I hope the Pleiadians suggest I buy
Marciniak’s books, CDs and Web site
membership, but who knows what
they’ll say, other than Marciniak?”
I’d like to thank everyone
for coming to my “Stand
Against Racism” event!
It is important in today’s society
and in the Asheville community
that we STAND UP to intolerance
and especially ignorance...
The
The Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire.
Contact [email protected]
Contributing this week: Michele Scheve,
Joe Shelton, Tom Scheve.
Asheville
Alibi™
House
...oops! Sorry I’m
Late!
OK, you sit
down...
APD’s Chief Hogan quits; Sends
farewell message to officers
Friends and co-workers:
Following the embarrassment of the evidence
room fiasco, it seems obvious that I, as the city’s top
law-enforcement officer,
must accept full responsibility and retire from the
post of Asheville chief of
police. I hope that all of
you, even the select few
with whom I found the occasional disagreement, can
remember our time together fondly, with both
pride and a sense of humor.
Remember all the times I popped sandwich
bags behind the new bomb squad trainee? That
guy could jump a yard in the air — while crapping himself! Classic! How about my undercover rainbow afro from the panic show? I’m
going, “Only a total idiot would buy from me,”
and then I kick back to take in the show, but I’m
the belle of the drug ball — they wouldn’t leave
me alone, the dopes!
And my community outreach, with the realistic rubber hand that comes out of my sleeve and
sprays fake blood? One guy even fell for that
one twice. I’m standing there, going, “No, Bob,
it’s my real hand. My 100% real hand, with no
fake blood, I absolutely swear. Would I try that
on you a second time?” Sucker!
When I think of how many times I used to
mock Ron Moore when I gave testimony, in
court, it just kills me. I mean, here’s this guy
who thinks he’s the second coming of Clarence
Darrow and I’m answering in my “funny Ron
voice” and the jury’s snickering, the defendant
is physically shaking with suppressed laughter,
and the judge — there wasn’t one of them that
didn’t go for that shtick. Good times.
Then there was that time I made officers ride
Segways on patrol. Hee-larious!
From the hot Wiccan strange under the magnolia tree to the craps games in Chicken Alley,
there’s nothing I won’t miss about this town.
The stickiest buds, the most discreet swinger’s
club, the hairiest girls (excuse me, it’s a predilection). So long Asheville, I hardly knew ye;
Stay weird, fellow flatfoots.
— Chief Make Funny Joke
P.S. Assume your phones are bugged for the
next six months are so.