Binnacle iss 4 - Calmaritime.net

Dr. Drevin &
Dr.
Dremily
Answering
medical questions
Khakis
one way to wear them.
Details inside.
CAPT
Buckey
Loves to scream or
love
THE
BUS
SP
ED EC
IT IA
IO L
N
Screams for love?
DON’T FRET
Some
of us
a r e
by Joey LaMarche
here
because we want to be, some of us are here because we
need to be, and some of us are here because we just love
Vallejo hookers. Our reasons may be different, but we all
have something very true in common; we have chosen to
go to work instead of college. For the people that tell you
CMA is a college or university, I give you permission to
laugh in their face. This is a job - and not a fun job like being a cameraman for celebrity sex tapes - it's a shitty job.
For any of you that have friends at a normal college you've heard the stories. They have huge parties and
classes with 300 people in them. They have this weird thing
called "summer" where you get 4 months to just do what-
1
ever you want. They even have an elusive creature known
as the “girl”. They are said to exist in other parts of the
world, but we have yet to see on campus. I just learned that
apparently CMA is one of the only schools to have formation. So, are you telling me that at Chico you don't have to
get up early three times a week to prove you can stand in
a line!? Actually, they will be getting up early to stand in a
line...the unemployment line! Ba-zing!
But really Cal Maritime isn't as bad as it seems.
Though I'm pretty sure the health center handing out condoms is just adding insult to injury. Fun fact: more condoms are used at CMA for water balloons than their actual
intended purpose. Sure, sometimes this place seems like
hell. Some would even argue that that's an insult to hell.
But cadet, keep your head up! As long as you don't catch
syphilis, these 4 years will breeze by.
DEAR DR. DREVIN & DR. DREMILY
ADVICE COLUMN: MEDICINAL EDITION
Dear Dr. Drevin and Dr. Dremily,
I have frequent and chronic migraines. What is the cause
and what should I do?
Dr. Drem: Uhm, odds are you have prostate cancer. Sorry,
for your approaching loss.
Dr. Drevin: You probably have a tumor, but don’t worry. I
saw in this one movie with John Travolta where he had a
tumor and became wicked smart. So read something.
Dear Dr. Drevin and Dr. Dremily,
What is the average penis size?
Dr. Drem: I wouldn’t know. I DON’T HAVE A PENIS.
Dr. Drevin: Well, from what I’ve seen from hanging out in
locker rooms, every penis is like a snowflake – not one is the
same size. But I think 47 inchwes seems right I guess. I’m
not good with the metric system,.
Dear Dr. Drevin and Dr. Dremily,
I have been sleeping a lot lately, but during the day I still
don’t feel rested! Why is that?
Dr. Drevin: Devon, is that you?
Dr. Drem: With the paitients I have had before with similar
symptoms, you have a complex psychological disorder: scitzopolarism. Don’t worry you can sleep it off.
Dear Dr. Drevin and Dr. Dremily,
I am pregnant. What should I do?
Dr. Drem: DUDE! You can contact MTV! Youd make loads.
The name of the show could be “True Life: I’m a Pregnant
Man”.
Dr. Drevlin: Are you sure you are pregnant:? Like I ate so
much one time I felt pregnant, but guys cant get be pregantant.
Dear Dr. Drevin and Dr. Dremily,
What would be the best way for me to lose weight?
Dr. Drebin: Three things to successfully lose weight, feel
good, and love your new bpody/. 1) Eat only paper 2) Throw
up paper 3) Get whitening strips
Dr. Drem: Go on a complete vitamin supplement and
Mountain Dew diet. Youll see results in about 6 days.
Dear Dr. Drevin and Dr. Dremily,
Will you answer questions about menstrual cycles?
Dr. Drevink: No, but I answer questions on minstrel cycles.
HAHAHAHAH.
Dr. Drem: Menstrual Cycles are a woman’s complex oil
changing process, and God’s way of creating forever BJW.
by Emily Keyes & Kevin Sweeney
Editor’s note: these typos are intentional - idiots.
Dear Dr. Drevin and Dr. Dremily,
I have been having frequent and violent bowel movements which affect my love life. What should I do?
Dr. Derklin: Ew. That is the most disgusting qustiong we
have ever recived! You should be ashamed of your body.
OMYGOF@! What id wrong with you?! I was eating chili
when I read this thing. Thanlks! Now I have to trhow this
away/. But you should definitely see a real doctor and come
to terms that you will be dumped for dumping so much.
HAHAHAHA.
Dr. Drem: Uhhhh I don’t do bodily fluids. GRESS! I mean
GROSS!
Dear Dr. Drevin and Dr. Dremily,
I have a tooth ache?
Dr Drevnki: Is that a question? NEXT!
Dear Dr. Drevin and Dr. Dremily,
I keep itching!
Dr. Drem: Its probably herpes. Bad question. NEXT!
Dear Dr. Drevin and Dr. Dremily,
I had my period twice in one month!
Dr. Drem: Better than no preriod one month! NEXT!
Dr. Drevbin: You really not pregnant. Supre un-pregnant.
Mozltoff
Dear Dr. Drevin and Dr. Dremily,
How do you recognize the signs for a heart attack?
Dr: Drebliern: Finllaty! A gfood question that we can really
lend our expertise to!
Dr Drem: Hey, Dr. Dreving, remember that one time in med
school that one guy?
Dr. Dregvlin: First off, my name is spelt “Drevblin” I mean
“Crevin”: DAMMMIT! “Drevin” there we go. And I do
rwembern that guy! Hwe was all like “blerrhhggghhghhgyhhjhjjh” and you wrer all like “oh my@! Hes having a haeart
attack!”
Dr. Drem: Ya!!! And like we didn’t call 9+11
Dr. Drevcin: 9+11=20.
Dr. Drem: Yeah…..it was a nice memorial service. RIP Dr.
WAhtsYOUrFace
Dr. Krebin: Is that Irish?
Dr. Drem:…..Whaat?
Dr, Kreviln: Next question!
2
GoAskAlice
by Seth Adams
1971 VW MICROBUS HAS ROCKSTAR, NAZI CONNECTIONS!
There has been a new (old) vehicle
gracing the streets and drives of the hallowed campus
of CMA for the past few months. Some would call this
motorcar a she. Some biased and uncredited members of the campus may not think of this two tone
baby-blue and white 1971 Volkswagen Microbus as a
vehicle, but rather a "A lifestyle manufactured by the
Volkswagen company, often mistaken for a vehicle,"
(*cough* Jonathan Jordan *cough*). Known colloquially as 'Alice,' by
those in the know, this
gas propelled microbus is a model image
of pure, unadulterated, free spirited,
hippy fun. Owned
by the Division 1-E
commander, Jonathan
"Numba One" Jordan,
this little bus is a fixture of CMA's overcrowded parking lots.
It is uncertain of Alice's early history, so here
is one we made up: How Numba One came into ownership of Alice is a long and sordid journey of struggle, perseverance, hardship, alcohol, and pure luck;
a good basis for a made-for TV movie. Built in Hanover, Germany (a place imagined by this author as
being not unlike the Wonka Chocolate factory, only
with cars) Alice was immediately purchased by Jefferson Airplane, the 1960's Psychedelic rock band
responsible for the widespread use of LSD and other
mind altering drugs by the pure and innocent American youth, as well as some music. As the band's main
tour/love bus, it was given the name Alice, after the
band's well known hit White Rabbit (Go Ask Alice).
The bus was the site of numerous love-ins to protest
the US involvement in the Vietnam War, prior to the
band’s break up. Following her stint with Jefferson
Airplane, Alice lived a quiet suburban life in San Jose,
CA, before being purchased by Jordan in 2012.
However, Alice has a dark side. The technol-
3
ogy to produce VW products of the 50s and 60s is a
direct descendent of the most antiquated industrial
air cooled engines of the 1930’s; the sort that Nazi
Germany used for their wartime vehicle production.
German Chancellor Adolf Hitler may or may not
have said "I vant every German household to hav at
vease twoo VW busses in zer garage." German Field
Marshal Erwin Rommel may have even ridden into
battle in the wartime produced version of the Microbus, shouting “Microbus
bus es über bus!” There is
Stats Sidebar:
a possibility that the MiAge: 42 years young
crobus and its high fuel
Model: Volkswagen Type
efficiency was a key com2 transporter
ponent to the Blitzkrieg
Color: Originally ladybug
operations of Germany’s
red, but now bodacious
early victories over Pobaby blue and white
land, the Low Countries
Engine: 1860cc Flat Four
and France.
So, the next time you
see a blue and white
mustachioed lady that goes by the name Alice, rub
its bumper for the best of luck any CMA cadet could
ever ask for. And remember what the dormouse said,
“Feed your head.”
No factual rationale exists for any of the assertions made within this article. The Author, The Binnacle, the California Maritime Academy, nor any of their
related staffs are responsible for the content or the factual proof of their existence.
Seth Adams is a 2015 MET student at the California Maritime Academy. He was forced to write this
article for his illustrious division commander, Jonny J.,
and domineering Editor-in-Chief of the Binnacle, Kevin
"Fancy Cake" Sweeney. Seth holds no lament for not attending Harvard when he had the chance and following
his dream as a comedy writer for Conan O’Brien. He
is 25 years old, single, likes long walks on the beach,
enjoys his women like his drinks (strong, aged 25 years,
preferably Scottish)...
While wiping down the
two Main Engines on the Golden
Bear during a CC Watch I could
not help but wonder “why?” When
last I checked, there is no mention
of CC Watch within the student
handbook. Despite this, under the
campus life section of the school’s
website, a document describes the
intention of CC Watch as “to ensure TSGB…remains clean and
taken care of.”
The issue at
hand is: does
cleaning and
maintaining
and cleaning the ship constitute a
watch or is it just a work crew?
Under 46CFR (The Code
of Federal Regulations), Subpart
A allows the Academy to make its
own regulations,
regulations like
the
ins t itut i on
of
CC
Watch. The institution of these
regulations however need to conform with other regulatory bodies
that oversee the academy and our
training.
Under regulation VII/2 .5
of the STCW Watch Requirements
“an appropriate and effective watch
or watches are maintained for the
purposes of security.”
The STCW requirements
dictate that the purpose of a watch
is for the security of the ship which
is contrary to the purpose of CC
Watch–which is strictly for the
cleanliness of the ship. The cleanliness of the ship is the responsibility
of a work crew not a watch. The
watches described in the student
handbook are for the purposes of
security and training.
Chapter 4 subsection G.1
“Purpose of Watch Training”
the student handbook reads, “By
standing watch, cadets develop
positive professional traits they
will bring with them to any job, at
sea and ashore.”
Subsection 7. “Maintain
General Order and Cleanliness:
The watch stander will maintain
[...] cleanliness in the vicinity of the
ing a CC Watch is weighted the
same as missing that of a proper
watch, despite the discrepancy in
purpose and duration. It is a class
one offense to miss a watch of any
variety which is punishable with 40
to 60 demerits as well as a referral
to a DRIC committee. Since CC
is not a watch and is a work party,
an absence from a work party is a
class two violation and punishable
by 10 merits.
C h a p t e r
3.C.1.b.
(f)
Absent
from assigned
duties, work details, cleaning assignments, etc. (10 demerits)
The student handbook.
There is also the issue of
sea time we may or may not receive from
CC Watch.
According to the
student
handbook,
chapter 3,
subsection G.1 “Every eight hours
of watch stood on the ship represents a day of sea-time.” However CC Watch is only stood for 3
hours where a standard watch lasts
4 hours. I have never stood a CC
Watch where my time standing the
watch lasted the full 3 hours nor
was my time onboard the TSGB accurately logged. According to the
document describing CC Watch,
“CC Watch counts as 1 ‘watch’ for
STCW purposes.” I am confused
as to how this possible when CC
Watch does not fulfill the STCW
requirements for a watch nor is the
time I have spent on a CC Watch
recorded.
There is also the issue of
the legality of CC Watch.
IS CC WATCH
watch station. Take pride in how
your area looks. Leave the watch
station in better order and cleanliness than when you assumed the
watch.”
A WATCH?
by Connor Golden
As per the student handbook’s description the purpose of
watch is to gain the necessary sea
time in order to gain our perspective licenses as well as training the
underclassmen. While a watch is
responsible for the cleanliness of
the watch standing area it is not
the duty of a watch to maintain
the ship’s overall cleanliness. The
purpose of watch and the purpose
of CC Watch are entirely different.
CC Watch does not fulfill the intentions set forth by STCW or the
school’s own definition of a watch
outlined in the student handbook.
With this missapplication of the
term “watch”, CC Watch is not a
watch but instead a work party and
should be treated as such.
The punishment for miss-
cont. pg 5
4
of the cadets or a watch
CONT.
IS CC WATCH, A WATCH? responsibility
to perform these duties but the State’s
Students receive no compensation for CC Watch nor
is it technically a Watch. Thusly, is CC Watch even
legal?
Under Part 310.4 of 46 CFR, which is about
Training Ships, paragraph (e) (2) says, “the State
shall, at its own expense, accomplish the following:
(i) Undertake usual preventive maintenance of the
Training Ship, adhere to minimum levels of preventive maintenance as prescribed by the Administration (MARAD), and keep the Training Ship clean and
painted, above the waterline according to good maritime practice.”
The purpose of CC Watch is not for ship’s security but to perform the tasks outlined by this section of 46 CFR. As per this regulation it is not the
responsibility. It is legally questionable
to have cadets performing these tasks without any
training component or compensation when it is the
responsibility of the state to maintain the ship.
In summation, someone has to clean the ship
and we as students should take pride in our ship, but
CC Watch is not a watch. Watches are for the express
purpose of the ship’s security and training not its
cleanliness or maintenance. Those duties are mandated to the state and it is a violation of 46 CFR to
designate these duties to uncompensated students. I
have no issue with CC Watch existing; I have issue
with it being called a watch. A work group is a much
more apt name.
FROM THE HEALTH CENTER Suicide Prevention
Student Health Services Now Recruiting
Peer Health Educators
Student Health Services is currently recruiting students to serve
as Peer Health Educators (PHE). PHEs will be trained to educate
their classmates about college lifestyle and wellness issues in a
positive, interactive, fun, and nonjudgmental manner. Comprehensive training prepares PHEs to facilitate dynamic outreach
programs; encourage physical, mental, and spiritual health; create informative awareness events; and promote community support to create a healthy campus culture. PHEs are dedicated to
providing education and community support with sensitivity to
race, gender, sexual orientation, culture, religion, and individual capabilities. PHE tasks may include: designing, organizing,
and participating in campus-wide health promotion awareness
activities/events; designing and presenting outreach programs;
staffing information tables (i.e., Safe Spring Break, Stress Management & Test Anxiety, Great American Smoke-out); and attending one-hour weekly planning/training meetings. To apply,
students will need to complete a PHE application and return it to
Student Health Services on or before the February 15, 2013 deadline. PHE applications are available at Student Health Services
and online at http://www.csum.edu/web/health-services/peerhealth-educator. For more information please contact: Sharon
McComb, M.S., Health Educator, Student Health Services, [email protected], (707) 654-1177. Thank you for your interest!
5
Training Students Helping Students in Distress
Learn Skills to Intervene in a Crisis! On Tuesday, February 19th
and on Thursday, March 14th, Student Health Services will be giving
a training to help student learn how
to intervene in a crisis. By participating in the training, students will
learn how to: recognize the warning
signs of a person who is distressed
and/or suicidal; intervene & offer
support; refer distressed person to
a qualified professional; and utilize
campus & community resources.
The date, time and location of the
trainings are: dates: Tuesday, February 19 or Thursday, March 14,
2013, time: 11:00 am - 12:00 noon;
room: ABS 102. For more information please contact: Sharon McComb, M.S., Health Educator, Student Health Services, smccomb@
csum.edu, (707) 654-1177.
I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM,
a childish manner. He yelled at
us, and then suddenly I was awash
with a dismal sense of worry. I
am completely genuine when I say
that I am worried for Buckey. He
is much too high strung for his age. If he keeps up
this attitude of “yell first/yell questions later” then his
heart could be in some serious trouble.
On a less serious note, I think we should commence a new weekly routine…HUG BUCKEY DAY!
Whenever you see Buckey yelling at a student or if
you see Buckey with a sour-puss face on, just walk
over and wrap your arms around him and give him all
the love you can muster. If you can bring yourself to
it, tell him his eyes are the prettiest blue or his khakis
are starched like a taught canvas.
So, for Buckey’s sake, please be kind to him
and make sure to throw him a smile (and a wink) during formation.
BUT
BUCKEY SCREAMS THE LOUDEST
by Kevin Sweeney
Recently, in a turn of emotional and red-faced
events, the Corps staff (students) was yelled at on the
morning of some day the other week. Our CAPT
Buckey walked into classroom 101 and proceeded
to slam both doors. This action was reminiscent of
myself when I was 7 years old and got grounded for
hitting my brother when he beat me at Smash Bros.
Then he proceeded to said that he would initiate a
five-day-a-week formo. Yes, that’s right folks! Right
off the bat, he threatened us with something that he
most certainly cannot do.
You may ask: What did WE do to deserve such
a threat? Well, it had something to do with missing
guidons, but the point is that he dealt with it in such
WHITE PEOPLE AWKWARDLY LAUGH AT A MOVIE
THEATER DURING DJANGO
UNCHAINED
by Kevin Sweeney
A movie theater in Orange County was full of
Caucasian men, women, and a few brave children on
the release of the new action-packed, former-slaveavenging movie Django Unchained – they were all
abuzz. With an “n-word” count of over 100, these unsuspecting white folk were unsure what to do. Clyde
Sorenson, 43, said: “It was great! Samuel L. Jackson
was hilarious…but not in a racist way!” Of course,
it was in a racist way. Many from the crowd left with
cramped necks from constantly looking around to
“make sure” it was “okeh” to laugh during one of
Samuel L. Jackson’s “n-word scream fests,” as one famous African-American director put it.
Anthony Wilson, a African-American man,
had this to say about his Django viewing experience:
“This white guy in front of me laughed at Samuel L.
Jackson talking in his ‘slave-talk’, turned around, saw
me, and then broke out into a sweat. He didn’t laugh
again during the entire movie. He even apologized
to me at the end!” In fact, many African-American
movie-goers are experiencing waves of apologies
from white people after the movie ends. Not sure if
this makes things better or just more awkward.
6
courts there is one, but it is blocked by a railing. If I
CAMPUS SECURITY FROM Tennis
was being attacked I would have to run twenty feet or more
A FEMALE PERSPECTIVE
by
Emily Keyes
Last semester I received a Public Safety “Timely
Crime Alert” email about a female who was bitten by a male
on campus outside of Upper Res. At the bottom of the email
there was a message that said all the standard safety precautions that should be taken on campus. I would like to address
some of the suggested safety tips and how they apply on the
CMA campus.
The following is a quote from the email “Security
Tip: During the evening and early morning hours, walk on
sidewalks and stay in brightly lit areas. Try to avoid unlit areas of campus. Do not travel alone. Use the “Buddy System”
when going to any activity off-campus.”
I’m sorry, but there are only a few “brightly lit” places to walk on campus. While walking from Egypt to Super at
nine o’ clock, I counted EIGHT burnt out streetlights, half of
the walk was unlit.
Also, I would like to ask, who positioned the campus Blue Lights? While on the boardwalk by the Basketball/
ahead, go down the foursteps, then run the twenty plusfeet back, or jump the rail! Real great planning there. There
are some blue lights “hidden” on campus as well. *Spoiler*
they are by the bookstore annex, behind the student center
(which you have to go through an alley-like pathway to get to
it, wooo great job CMA) and in the corner of super res parking lot. It’s more a game of “Where’s Waldo” or a Gauntlet
then anything else.
For the most part, I have felt safe while at CMA, but
the more I think about it, the more I feel the school has subconsciously set itself up for a disaster. Let’s have cadets move
about through the night, to and from watch. Most of the time
I go to watch by myself, alone. And I imagine so does everyone else. It’s just normal here, and not many think twice
about it.
The school needs to invest in better precautionary
equipment and not in post facto response. We need more
lights, or hell, lights that bloody work! Because the way it is
now the sidewalks are dimly lit, the blue lights are hidden; it’s
not suspicious to see someone walking around alone at 4 am.
CLASSIFIEDS
by Emily Keyes
Seeking roommate: Must be clean, have experience in being: a
maid, bartender, five star chef, and stand-up comedian. These
are non-negotiable. A plus if you are a feng shui master. Rent
$700 for room under the stairs (Harry Potter style).
Seeking: Plastic surgeon. No-experience needed. New nose
is.
Seeking: 22 Women seeking 20ish man. Looks not important.
Must be tall, athletic build, straight teeth, blue eyes, auburn
hair, and tan.
Seeking: Strictly platonic friendship. Must have a hula-hoop
and bocce ball set. Contact Dremily for details.
Wanted: Fun group of people looking to go on camping retreats. Will be searching for Bigfoot and UFO’s. Bring your
own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. Contact ARC for details.
Wanted: 70’s era vehicle. Does not matter if it runs or not. I
just want to park it in B lot, cover it, and never move it. Contact “that asshole” for details.
Lost: Retainer in the quad. Green and glows in the dark. Contact devastated freshman
Lost: Hope in the future.
Lost: A pair of size 11 Bates, unshined and unshaved. Contact
“kid who can’t get it together”
Found: Gnarly retainer. It’s in the trash now though cause it
was so gnarly. Sorry
Found: Jesus. If you wanna go to Mass contact the Bible Club.
7
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO
“I just want to work.” Student-cadets (cause we are students
first and cadets second - school comes first) go out into the
field with this mind set. We work our asses off and it im presses those over us. It is no common thing for poorly paid
or unpaid labor to dedicate so much time and effort to a job
by Jonny Jordan
that in the short term yields little profit. This sets us apart.
If you haven’t noticed already, or you haven’t been You study, you go to watch, you work hard, and
told, you attend the best state run maritime academy in the you are knowledgeable. These are things that we hold dear.
nation. For a few reasons; yeah we have a high job place- These are things that define what it means to be the Casual
ment, professionals seeking out our graduates, top-ranked Maritime Academy. We participate in the bare minimum of
education, fastest and best maintained training ship afloat, military-esque standards because that’s what the industry
but there is one underlying truth that makes us the best. We demands of us.
are the Casual Maritime Academy. This, though often said I had the fortune of sailing with MSC over the
with derogatory statements referring to the corps, is why we summer. And a few days before parting, the ship received
are the best.
some of the nicest compliments about my work ethic and
Most of us, with the exception of the few and the the school. The Chiefmate was a Suny grad, and once he
proud, came to this school only for an education. You came started sailing 20 years ago, held the idea that Suny grads
here to learn something that is relevant to the real world, in- and cadets were the best, but as the years went by he started
formation and skills that will make you a lot of money. On to notice the “Cal” cadets. They tended to always be better
average two or three times the average of the entire CSU. than any of the other cadets out there; simply due to our
This is the purpose of any higher education institution. We knowledge and work ethic - something that the Mass cadet
are lucky though, other academies place education at the I sailed with didn’t have.
same priority, or at a lower priority, than with their corps As a corps officer this is what I place importance
leadership programs (or so it would seem). Because we all on. I try to instill these two ideas within my division. You
know marching, cleaning your room, squaring corners, eat- have to show up. And you have to know what you’re talking
ing without looking at your food, or, if you're lucky, yelling about. Otherwise, why are you here?
at the miserable individuals that don’t do these things right, We have a reputation to defend. We are the best
creates a truly experienced sailor. But not at CMA.
because we focus on the big picture. This is a reputation
We take pride in the fact that this is not like any that has been earned by the past generations at this school.
other school out there, part CSU, part military institution. It’s something that we must hold dear. It is something we
The California Maritime Academy promotes a great idea, should learn and continue to excel at.
BE FROM CMA?
DEAREST WHOEVER WRITES, REWRITES, AND
CHANGES THE HANDBOOK WITHOUT NOTICE
by Emily Keyes
I am writing a letter from the prospective of a female cadet here at the lovely Cal Maritime Academy about
the grooming standards.
I don’t have much of a problem with the uniforms.
Khaki is not my color, but thankfully khaki is no one’s color.
But how awesome would it be if khaki were my color?! While
in khakis I have no indicators that I am a
girl, no ass, hips, or chest, but I can live
with that. Dress blues make me cranky because the top button irritates me, the itchy
black pants go all the way up to my nonexistent tits, and the women’s combo cover
looks like a duck (duck face anyone?)
The uniform is not what I’m writing about though. I am writing to you
about the hair regulations. I wear my long
hair in a tight high bun every day. It has come to my attention
that wearing my hair in a bun gives me migraines, and is like,
super damaging to my luxurious locks, and damaging to my
identity. I believe having the women wear their hair up makes
them look even more like boys. While at CMA, I am not a
woman, nor a man, but a placeholder hybrid lady-boy.
I understand some courses require that hair be put
up, like in ship ops and plant ops for obvious safety reasons.
But do I really need to wear my hair up, in a bun, in a lecture
setting? I think moral would be boosted all
over campus if hair can be worn down in
a feminine way, while in appropriate class
settings, where safety could not be compromised.
And since you are “Whoever Writes, Rewrites, and Changes the Handbook Without Notice” I feel you could makes this happen for us.
Sincerely,
Like, all the girls at CMA (all 12 of us)
P.S. Don’t get me started on how the guys clean-shaven faces
make them look super manly.
8
IN THE NEXT ISSUE:
NOTE FROM
THE EDITOR
Doesn’t this issue look pretty? Emily Keyes and
I spent a very long time on this, so we’d appreciate it if
we didn’t get any dumb questions! But just in case any -A series of unrelated articles that,
of you are completely incompetent I will make a few
things about this issue clear: 1) The word on the front if folded in just the right way, creof the issue is “love” not “loue” 2) The Dr. Drevin & Dr. ates the missing chapters to the BiDremily article is intentionally riddled with typos 3)
ble
No, there is not an article about Khakis like the cover
claims (it is just a joke) 4) Yes, the Porthole twitter ac- -Like, a minimum of 80 fart jokes
count is real, but is not updated because I don’t have the -A timeline of when the Administime 5) Yes, I called Buckey a child in that article, but
I do worry about his health 6) No, I don’t hate white tration will lie to us about the new
people and I liked Django Unchained very much 7) mess deck being completed
Not every issue from now on will look this nice – IT
-The inside scoop of how I will inWOULDN’T BE SPECIAL THEN!!!
Alright, now that I’ve completed the idiots guide evitably become Corp Commander
to the Binnacle I will write my note.
and rule you all with a plush, vel
So, lately Emily and I have been playing this fun game where we
do absolutely nothing and hear terrifyingly sexist things coming from the vety soft fist!
mouths of some of the *ahem* gentlemen on campus. She got to hear -500 people will be on this sumabout all these guys that have had sex with the same girl and ALL about
mer’s cruise; how they plan on maksomething called a “poo finger”. The conversation I overheard took the
cake because I overheard two guys talk about something truly horrifying. ing that number 100 (hint: Hunger
From what I could gather, this one gentleman was trying to have relations Games)
with a girl when she started crying. She then confessed to him that she had
been raped recently. Then this gentleman proceeds to come in with the -What will happen to the old mess
punch line to his friend: “Biggest boner-kill ever!” Then they both laugh deck? The school wants it for themand laugh and laugh.
selves; let’s not let that happen!
Seriously guys? Are we going to be laughing at rape now? How
badly does this school distort our minds? Honestly, I’m not going to blame -A Norwegian CMA alumni threatthe school on this one. It is completely on us to end the perpetuation of ened me that would “fire” all the
this women-hating language. How hard is it to keep your stories of being a
sexual conquistador to a low whisper or (preferably) in the privacy of your non-licensed students here. Poor
own blanking room! We don’t need to be shouting about “boning sloots” guy must have been lost. (actually happned)
for all the world to hear. Even more so if there is a lady in ear shot
that could be made to feel most abhorrently uncomfortable.
Special Thanks to:
So, I hope you enjoyed this Binnacle and…cheers,
Captain Stewart
Kevin Patrick Sweeney, Editor-in-Chief
Staff:
Emily Keyes - Head Writer
Naomi Tam - Editor
Brendan C. Davis - Cartoonist
Seth Adams - Staff Writer
Jonny Jordan - Staff Writer
Connor Golden - Staff Writer
Kevin Sweeney - Editor-in-chief
Questions, comments, complaints?
E-mail [email protected]
Do not e-mail my writers directly,
please.
Staff Picture
*The opinions in this issue do not, in any way, reflect those
of the CMA Staff, ASCMA, Housing & Res Life, or their
affiliates, no matter how right my opinions are.