to - The Bullsheet

Delivered by: Samus Aran
Edited This Night By: Hunter “needs an internship” Janness
The Denison
BULLSHEET
35 Years of Excellence in Eulogies
The Bullsheet, a forum for news, humor, and community dialogue, is
funded (if you can call it that) by DCGA and is printed each day that
classes are in session. Submissions must be sent before 6:30 pm for nextday publication via e-mail to: [email protected]. Submissions herein
solely reflect the opinions of the authors. We do not accept anonymous
submissions, so please remember to include a full name, Slayter Box
number, favorite childhood memory and social security information.
denisonbullsheet.wordpress.com / @DUBullsheet
vol. LIX/ no. 80/ February 24th, 2015
THE LEGACY OF EMMA REASONER: A PREEMPTIVE TRIBUTE
Hello again Bullsheet,
I’ve written to you quite a few times in the last few days…as you are my only friend. I will continue this trend
by writing about my boss, one of the most voluptuous and sexually enticing women I have ever met. Her story,
or memoire (of a Geisha), started in a stream north of a small town called Oktibbeha, Mississippi. You see, her
birth was no ordinary birth, as her mother was quite poor and was living in a 1985 Cadillac Fleetwood and had
no means of delivering her in a safe and sterile environment. For these reasons, young Emma “curves” Reasoner
was born in a stream, in a similar fashion as to the live birth from Big Fish (2003). The only difference was that,
instead of sliding across a hospital floor, Emma slid across the top of the stream water, similar to a rock being
skipped across raw sewage water. Quite visually stimulating stuff, eh.
After this odd but inspiring birth, Emma lived a fairly normal childhood, participating in many beauty pageants
and hot dog eating competitions. She actually placed 3rd in Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest in the
MLE (Major League Eating) Southwestern Division, but as the age old adage states: “If you’re not first, then
you shouldn’t reproduce.” Once Emma got to middle school, she hit her first growth spurt, causing her to be
5 inches taller than any other kid in her school, and subsequently prompting her peers to call her, “Gigantopithecus” or “Dumbledore.” She went through years of psychological torment and eventually decided to get
a straight perm in an attempt to make her appear smaller in stature. The results were so astonishing in making
her look small that she kept it for 3 years. However, the constant re-perming and bleaching caused slight brain
damage. Because of this, she dropped out of high school during her sophomore year to “fuck up fresh snow
that no one had touched yet.” She became a menace in her neighborhood – fucking up all the fresh snow to the
point where none of the younger kids could even get the chance to fuck up their fair share of snow. This enraged
her parents, causing them to force her to apply to colleges. She applied to quite a few, but Denison University
seemed like her best bet as she had a strong inside connection through her 3rd aunt, Laurel Kennedy. For Emma,
Denison was all she had ever dreamed of. She drank IPA beers and munched freshly made Kimchi prepared by
Peter Heft on the Bryant Arts Center porch.
For me, Emma Reasoner embodied everything good about Denison. She isn’t dead, but she may die soon…
as everyone has a slight chance of dying at any given moment. Regardless, she symbolizes what Batman is
for Gotham. If Denison is Gotham, and security is Commissioner James Gordon, and the Wingless Angels are
Bane, and Greg Phlegar is Alfred, and Charlie Vinopal is Fox, then the truth is that you’re either a good person,
or you’re a Death Eater… Have a good day! <3
-Sam Stamas, Denisonian Freshman Editor
NAKED WEEK FIRST IMPRESSIONS
*Author’s note: I initially wrote this piece for The Denisonian but they felt it was so good that it needed to be
published in a classier medium.
Boobies floppin’, pale people joggin’, shifty eyes bogglin’ - these were some of my initial thoughts as I watched
the yearly opening ceremony of Naked Week. The atmosphere before the run was apprehensive, similar to the
feeling of trying to get a package from the mailroom during rush hour. Hundreds of students lined A quad like
kids waiting for their orders at the Snatch. At 12:30 PM exactly, approximately 38 students ran out from the
library accompanied by thunderous applause. For some, this was a fun and exciting time. For me, this was the
best day ever as I saw my first pair of breasts IRL! T’was a truly joyous occasion, as boobies look way better
live than on the National Geographic channel.
Speaking on behalf of most Denison students, I think the opening ceremony was a great start to Naked Week.
There was an assortment of various shaped and sized Denison students, but all beautiful in their own way nonetheless. In conclusion, Naked Week so far has been considerably more exciting than the East Asian exhibit in
the Denison Museum.
HASTILY WRITTEN HAIKUS
My feet are so cold
I hate the winter so much
Someone spoon with me
Leona’s blue hair
Reminds me of a narwhal
Please don’t ask me why
-Sam Stamas, Freshman Editor
This haiku fills space
There were lots of submissions
Hunter is happy
-HJ
SITTER OF BABIES NEEDED BY GRANVILLE FAMILY
Hi Denisonians:
My husband, Lee, and I would like to hire a Denison student for the 2015-2016 academic school year. We have
two boys, Will (5) and Everett (4). Will is starting kindergarten all day next year at Granville Elementary, and
Everett will continue to be at Granville Child Care on River Road (right across from the coffee shop). Ideally,
we would like to hire a Denison student who could pick up Ev at GCC and then Will at school at 3:00 PM, get
them home, get a snack, and start in on any homework Will may have. Lee and I are usually home between 5:15
and 5:45 every day.
A little bit about us: Lee is a partner at Reese, Pyle, Drake, and Meyer in Newark, attended Miami University for
undergrad, and attended law school at Ohio State. I am the Vice President of Human Resources at First Federal
Savings in Newark, attended DePauw University for undergrad, and got my MBA from Ohio State. In terms
of what our boys are like, Will is incredibly mature for his age and a typical people pleaser. He’s relatively introverted and is a pretty sensitive kid. He is very focused and is not easily distracted. He can sit and work on
a puzzle or drawing for a long period of time before getting up from his seat. He reads on his own. Ev is very
social, outgoing, and charismatic. People are naturally drawn to him. He is also annoyingly stubborn and proud.
Once he has decided to do something or not do something, it’s hard to get him to come around the other way.
He’s very smart and knows how to “push people’s buttons”. He also can work on a project or draw for long periods of time, but he talks the entire time! He loves hockey.
We’d like to interview interested students who would be committed to our boys from 3:00-5:30 PM, Monday
through Friday during the academic school year. They are welcome to come to our house so they can “check us
out” and meet Will and Ev themselves. Ideally, we’d like to meet with candidates in early March, as kindergarten
registration is March 16-18, and we will need to determine Will’s school transportation at that time.
We will want to compensate the student at a rate which is negotiable.
Please let me know if you need any additional information from me! Candidates should email me of their interest. Thank you!
HELP PLZ
-Sally Heckman (email: [email protected])
LOST: Two keys attached to a bubble
gum wrapper keychain. Last seen at theater party in Chamberlin Saturday night.
If found, please return to Slayter box
#7406 and you will receive a reward.
Keychain looks like this:
MY CRAIGSLIST PERSONAL AD
“Looking for a partner in Scrabble” m4anyone (20 years old)
Things I like to do:
-Binge watch “Friends” and clap along to the theme every time
-Wish I had real friends
-Pretend my pens and pencils are mini space ships
-Be the big spoon
-Sometimes be the little spoon
-Dance by myself to ‘80s power ballads
-Look for horcruxes
Personal description:
If I grow my hair out I look like a young Art Garfunkel crossed with
Jesse Eisenberg.
If interested, please submit a cover letter and two page resume detailing your qualifications for this position to Slayter Box #7104.
-HJ
SKETCH’RS SHOW
SUPPORT OUR (sketch comedy) TROUPES!
Come to the Sketch’rs After the War Show this Tuesday, February 24th
and Wednesday, February 25th at 8pm in Herrick. We guarantee some
kind of laughter and no dairy this time.
WILL PAY IN TRIDENT LAYERS
Hey, is anybody selling a phone on campus? I’m specifically looking
for a Samsung Galaxy S3 or above. I broke my phone tonight and it
sucks. Email me at liedke_r1 to shoot me an offer and we can talk shop.
-8584
Denison Film Society
Presents
BIRDMAN (2014)
7:30 pm, Friday 2/27
7:30 pm, Saturday 2/28
DEAR WHITE PEOPLE (2014)
1:30 pm, Saturday 2/28
Slayter Auditorium
Staff “Favorite Scratch ‘n Sniff Smell” Box
Emma “fresh Bullsheet” Reasoner, Managing Editor
Leona “cat urine” Vander Molen, Senior Editor
Aidan “Axe body spray” Cronin, Sophomore Editor
Hunter “chloroform” Janness, Sophomore Editor
Katie “Weinberg’s hair product” Landoll, Newbie Editor
Sam “Katie Landoll” Stamas, Newbie Editor
Jordan “the blood of my enemies” Kibler, Head Writer
Peter “lavender” Heft, Kibler’s Intern
Bull’s
Last Word
This week
I’m baring
my udders
for all to
see.