Memories of Grief - The Compassionate Friends

The
Valentines
of
Yesterday
In my lifetime I have received many Valentines.
Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, school friends,
boyfriends, good friends, acquaintances and my
husband have showered me over the years with lovely
Valentines which I have so appreciated. The tradition of
declaring friendship and love on Valentine’s Day is a
very fond memory.
However, the sweetest Valentines I have ever
received are from my son. From the first days in nursery
school when my son made a hand plaque and a
drawing on construction paper to the final Valentine in
2002, I have cherished these gifts of love from my only
child. I have kept every Valentine my son ever made for
me or bought for me. I have every Valentine gift he
ever gave me. These are the treasures that remind me
how special a parent’s love truly is. There is no love to
compare with the unconditional love we give our
children. I think my son knew that nobody in the world
would love him as much as his mother did. Yet, he also
knew that he would love his children in just this same
way. This unconditional parent’s love that we give our
children is the most precious love in life. It is always our
hope that they, too, will find the joy of this love with
their children.
When our child dies, we cling to our unconditional
love as we feel the anguish of a final separation on this
earthly plane and a tsunami of betrayal as the
devastation of this incomprehensible loss sweeps over
us. The pain is real. It is physical, emotional,
psychological and forever embedded on our psyche.
Yet, without that unconditional love, there would be no
pain. Who among us would trade the most infinitely
rewarding love and the subsequent pain of loss for a life
of lukewarm relationships?
And so, as Valentine’s Day once again comes into
my life, I will look back at this love, at the good times,
the wonderful handmade childhood Valentine cards
and gifts and the carefully selected cards of adulthood
that my son gave to me. His words, his love, his
appreciation for all that we had shared as mother and
child will be reflected in these treasures. There will be
tears, certainly, but these are tempered with the many
wonderful, sweet memories of my son and his life. It
is these sweet memories which sustain me, give me
hope, and bring me gratitude for all that was given to
me. My son is forever in my heart. He is with me
every day and every night, and especially, he is with
me on Valentine’s Day.
Annette Mennen Baldwin
TCF Katy, TX
In Memory of my son, Todd Mennen
A Valentine
Sent
to Heaven
Angels come swiftly, hurry to our side
Carry our hearts back with you, to our children in
heaven now reside.
Carry them gently, handle them with care
And take them to their sides, and gently lay them
there.
Whisper to them of our love, and our longing hearts
All our lonely aching while we are apart.
Hold them gently to you, and let them see our love
Let them see this, our valentine to them above.
Reassure them of our love, that it is still the same
And gently hold us when we cry, when we hear
them whisper our names.
Let this exchange of love be our valentine
And whisper to them that our love will stand the test
of time.
Show them the memories are safely held inside
And with us they will always abide.
Let them see this day, a day filled with our love
As we shed our tears, and whisper their names, to
our Valentines above.
~Sheila Simmons
Love is the beauty and the passion
of life.
It is the very reason we are put upon
this earth.
~Flavia
Welcome New Members
Meeting Topics & Info
February 6- “Boxes of Love”
(Topic Change)
March 6- “Things My Child Taught Me”
Please Note- Movie Night Coming in May
Prepare a 5 minute video on a CD or DVD of your child to
share with the group, more info to come!
Attending your first meeting takes
courage and it is always hard to say
“welcome” because we are so very sorry for the reason
which made you eligible for our membership in TCF.
However, we are glad you found us! We cannot take away
your pain but we can offer our friendship and support, Do
try and to attend at least 3 meetings so you have a chance to
meet others who are bereaved and discover that special
acceptance that occurs with new friends who truly
understand.
New to our chapter is: Cindy Napoli
Mother of Rick Napoli
Book Review
Thank you for your generosity! Due to the
amount of luminaries that were purchased this year for
our Candle Light Ceremony, we were able to pay for
the fees of our own chapter’s web site to be designed,
hosted, and the domain name for three years! This
will enable our chapter with an important outreach
tool to reach many more bereaved parents. It can also
lend support to our existing members as well. So,
thank you again for supporting our fundraiser!
Our very own chapter website is up and running
after many hours of hard work! Please check it
out at www.compassionatefriends-scv.org You may find
some helpful information and many links to the National
Compassionate Friends. Also, all of our 2013 newsletters as
well as this years newsletters will be available for
download. You can also link to our Facebook page, and
email us all through our website!
Speaking of our Facebook page,
don’t forget to visit and promote our page
and join in on the conversations of other bereaved parents
on their journey of grief. You can find it at
www.facebook.comTheCompassionateFriendsofSantaClaritaCA
You are welcome to leave a message about your
grief or talk about your child, sibling or grandchild. Or
share an insight about anything that has brought you
comfort, hope or some measure of peace. If you are not a
member of Facebook, it is real easy to join. Let us know if
you need some help setting up an account.
We are always up to suggestions! After visiting our
website and Facebook page if you see there is something
missing or have an idea, let us know!
“After The Darkest Hour, The Sun Will
Shine Again: A Parent’s Guide To Coping With
The Loss Of A Child
by Elizabeth Mehren
This little book found me in the dark and fractured months after
my son, Sean, died in January, 2001. I had gone to the Tattered
Cover Bookstore on an errand and could not get my brain to
function. After nearly an hour of trying, I gave up and flopped
into one of the welcome chairs somewhere in the store and
stared at the floor. As I sat there trying to clear my totally blank
brain function and focus on my errand, I looked up and
opened my eyes to find that I was in the “grief” section of the
store. My lifeline came in the form of a small, nearly colorless
book on the shelf about ten feet from me. I stood up, retrieved
the book, and began reading. Here I found the most eloquent
words describing the experience of the death of a child, written
by Ben Johnson, Samuel Clemons, Abraham Lincoln, and many
other less-well-known bereaved parents. Ms. Mehren has used
the words of others who are/were bereaved parents to express
the sorrow and the universality of this experience. Somehow
the beauty of these words enabled me to feel loved, comforted,
and most of all understood. I found understanding in the words
of Clemons that to express his feelings of grief and loss would
“bankrupt the vocabulary of all the languages” and that “It is
one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared,
can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live.” Lincoln said
that “when I can bring myself to realize that he has indeed
passed away, my question to myself is, ‘Can life be endured?’”
Later in my grief, the chapters on “Getting Over It” (no there is
no miraculous recovery) and “The Unwritten Rules” (grief has
no pride and asks no apologies) really spoke to me. The
strengths of the little book are that it is little and each chapter
stands alone at a time when focus and concentration are at a
premium and that the words of grieving parents, be they
famous or not, are not only eloquent and beautiful but also
understanding, consoling, and ultimately healing. I highly
recommend this book. It was first published in 1997 and
reissued in 2008.
~Review by Pat Ma Millan, Mother to Sean TCF, Aurora
Shared Thoughts On
“Memories of Grief”
Our son, Douglas died 15 years ago on February
7th. Time does not erase the memory of those early
years when my pain was so intense. I began each day
with a prayer that the world would end, so there would
never be another bereaved parent. I did not want
anyone to experience the degree of agony I was
enduring. I never once regretted having Doug. I’ve
always felt the joy he brought was greater than the death.
So, as I look back, that was a foolish wish. Had the world
ended, all those beautiful subsequent children would
never have been. I was looking for a quick fix to my pain.
Frequently, we get caught up in hurrying our
recovery. Our pain is so intense, we feel we can’t endure
one more day. Once the natural order has been violated,
a deluge of fears overcomes us. It is very normal to be
out of control in such an abnormal situation. It is
important to recognize or grief, for much of it can be
resolved through expressing ourselves. When talking to
other bereaved parents and siblings, we realized our
feelings are very natural reactions.
There are many books on grief that can offer a
sense of direction. There are also many guidelines that
warn of pitfalls. These are great tools to aid in our
healing. But I feel nothing is as comforting as another
bereaved person saying “I know.” If you have been
there, you fully understand. The love you give in
unconditional and this type of support is what sustains us.
If we devote time to grief work, and deal with our
problems as they arise, it helps to clear our hearts and
minds so we can make room for the new situations that
we must handle. If we shelve our feelings, we soon have
such an insurmountable load, that we can’t deal with any
of it. We must always take one day at a time, and face it
little by little.
Some days we may have such little
strength that we not only did not gain ground, but we
have slipped back. Don’t run away from it, meeting it
head on, helps to gain better foothold.
We slowly begin to heal, the happy memories will
bring some smiles rather than pain. We appreciate the
beauty and happiness our loved ones brought. We
cannot expect to return to the way we were. Life will be
different as we deal with the “memories of grief.” But
that is a far cry from dealing with grief itself. We will
always regret the death. After surviving the grief, the scar
we carry becomes tolerable.
I enjoy life again. My vacations are wonderful.
I look forward to each new day. I enjoy being
creative. I look forward to family gatherings. I feel life
is worth hanging around for. Believe me when I tell
you I dread each of these in my early grief. I could not
even feel complete joy when my first granddaughter
was born. I just couldn’t feel anything. There wasn’t
any “complete joy” to be had.
This particular
grandchild has brought me so much joy in subsequent
years, and now I know it was my grief that denied me
these pleasures.
I wish for you that your grief will turn to
“memories of grief,” and happiness will fill your lives
again...God Bless.
~Marie Hofmockel
TCF, Valley Forge
Heartfrost
Does it not seem
as if in wintertime
your mind remembers
all those sunny things
that warmed you once?
And does it seem
as if you have not smiled
forever?
Now take your hands,
one in the other hand,
and do remember
all those sunny things again.
Again.
And let them warm you now.
-The smile will find you.
~Sascha Wagner
From “The Poems of Sascha Wagner
Were Received From:
Tom & Alice Renolds
Dr. Patricia E. Patton, PH. D.
In Loving Memory of their sons:
In Loving Memory of the children &
their families of the
Santa Clarita Valley
Danny Richard
Renolds
6/22 - 2/17
Love & Prayers,
Patricia
Love Gifts
Timothy Lee
Renolds
3/17 - 2/17
Unspoken Farewells
Farewell words were never spoken,
No time to say goodbyes,
You left us before we knew it,
And the pain of your absence is unbearable.
You were so loved by those you knew,
One day we’ll rejoice and know renewed joy,
When we’re once again with you,
~Sandra Hemstoc
We miss you every minute of every day,
forever in our hearts,
Love Mom & Dad
A Love Gift is a wonderful way to remember your
child, grandchild, or sibling’s birthday or angel dates or just
to say I love you. What better way than to have their
photo included in our newsletter along with a special
memory, thought or message, article or poem from you.
If anyone would like to make a donation in
memory of their child, grandchild, or sibling you may give
it to Alice or Diane at our meeting or mail it to Alice at
27949 Park Meadow Dr., Canyon Country, 91387. You
can also email the info to TCF.SCV@gmail Love gifts
should be received by the 15th of the month to be placed
in the following month’s newsletter. What a special way
to share and remember your loved one!
Our chapter exists solely on voluntary,
tax deductible donations. We thank you in advance for
any donations you may be able to give or send. Your
donations help to pay the expenses of our newsletter,
purchase books & brochures, coffee & refreshments, new
member’s packets, business cards, and other
miscellaneous supplies.
There’s no tragedy in life
like the death of a child.
Things never get back
to the way they were.
~Dwight Eisenhower, Past U.S. President & father to
Doud Dwight Eisenhower 10/17 -1/21
who died at 3 of scarlet fever.