Here`s - Scott Saavedra

This is a complete reprint of the Me Am Weird section
from Comic Book Heaven #9, my now-defunct dead tree
magazine devoted to insane old comics. Basically, Me Am
Weird is full of short, snarky (in a loving way) take downs
of some of the most off-beat, demented, and just plain
strange stories I could find from vintage comic books. I
suppose I could have just put it up on the CBH weblog
(comic_book_heaven.blogspot.com) but it’s material I
prefer to present in a magazine — or, in this case, magazine-like — format.
Comic Book Heaven began several years ago as a very
modest laser-printed fanzine devoted to my then-recent
Epiphany: old comic books were weird. I produced 7 issues before SLG Publishing stepped in and helped me
produce 9 more professionally printed issues and a hardcover collection of my fanzine editions. I’ve also done
several live presentations at comic book conventions and
am currently adding new material to the CBH weblog.
Back issues are available by calling the publisher toll-free
at 1-877-754-7877.
ME AM WEIRD is written and designed by Scott Saavedra. You are free to pass on
copies of this to others or print it out for your convenience. No other rights are offered
or implied. Please do not alter or claim authorship of this document, it’s not brain surgery but I did expend effort to create it. Contents © 2003, 2007 by Scott Saavedra. All
Rights Reserved. All characters, logos, and trademarks are owned and/or copyright by
their respective companies or individuals. Inclusion of owned material is for historical
purposes as allowed by Fair Use provisions of U.S. copyright law. Originally published
in Comic Book Heaven #9 (January 2004).
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COMIC BOOK HEAVEN
THE STRANGEST STORIES EVER TOLD!
Fire and Blast!
Fire and Blast! / National Fire Protection Association / 1952 / Produced by Feature Publications, Inc.
/ a: Mart Bailey
Tom Walker takes his family to the picture show to watch a
movie about the horrors of nuclear war and civil defense. Tom
loves civil defense. While leaving the theater Tom announces
that he has set aside the entire Saturday afternoon aside to
do a safety check at home. Mother intervenes and suggests a
quick trip to the soda fountain first. Tom sits silently, his mind
too focused on civil defense to relax (“These are troubled
times!”). Eventually, they get home. It’s on fire! The family
jumps into action and quickly puts the fire out (using “a standard 5-gallon pump-tank fire extinguisher to which has been
fitted 25 feet of extinguisher hose.”). The fire turns out to be
OPPOSITE PAGE: Wasting not a moment, the story begins right on the front
cover to Fire and Blast!, an educational comic about an obsessive-compulsive
man and his passive, frightened family. Art by Mart Bailey. Originally © The
National Fire Protection Association
TOP: Non-civil defense compliant citizens run for their lives following an enormous explosion. Was it an A-Bomb attack? From Fire and Blast!
ISSUE NUMBER NINE
19
the fault of the son, Billy, who left a kerosene lamp burning.
A single fireman shows up to compliment the family on its
fire-fighting prowess and makes an observation about the son
(“You’ve been getting careless, Billy!”). Billy is suitably chastened but Tom makes sure his boy is reminded a few more
times about his potentially tragic mistake. Later, while Tom
is fireproofing the drapes, Mother thinks it would be a good
idea for the family get away for a little vacation. Tom agrees
and suggests that they go into the big city. The kids are delighted. The daughter wants to go shopping and Billy wants
to see a ball game. So the following weekend the Walker family visits Tom’s brother in the big city. Do they shop? No. Do
they see a ball game? Nope. Tom’s brother is hosting a civil
defense demonstration! Whee! Billy starts to get a little cranky
(“I thought I came to the city to have some fun!”). Tom reminds Billy about his stupid mistake (“I thought you learned
your lesson!”). Fortunately, Billy meets the Smiths, a nice family that doesn’t care at all about civil defense. They offer to
take Billy to the zoo. Just as Billy and the Smiths return from
their outing there’s a giant explosion that blows out the Smith’s
apartment window and throws all the furniture around the
room. Fires break out in the apartment. There are fires all over
the city! The fire department is stretched to the limit! Phone
lines are nearly overloaded! Was it an A-Bomb?! No. It was
just the city’s largest industrial plant exploding. What a relief!
Thanks to civil defense training the damage wasn’t as bad as
it could have been. Unless you were like the Smiths who didn’t
have time for civil defense. They lost everything. Upbeat fun
from the makers of America in Flames.
Superman’s Romance with Lana Lane!
Superman’s Girlfriend, Lois Lane #41 / NPP / May 1963 / e: Mort Weisinger
Romantic rivals for Superman’s affections, Lois Lane and Lana
Lang, look at slides of the Man of Steel’s “historic moments”
while hanging out at his Fortress of Solitude. They are confused by an image of Superman’s “lost sweetheart” Lana Lane,
who looks like Lois and Lana “rolled into one.” Superman is
surprised that Lois and Lana don’t recall the woman so he
hands them a couple of “Mento-Helmets” he happens to have
handy to help them “re-live mentally the amazing story” of
Lana Lane. The memory unfolds: Superman takes Lois and
Lana to a valley on Earth where colonists from the planet
Zermb live. They visit an exhibit of charms once owned by
Malignia, an evil sorceress. The curator warns them to not
touch the charms and then leaves. Lois and Lana touch the
20
COMIC BOOK HEAVEN
charms. Suddenly,
they are merged into
one person, Lana
Lane. Lana Lane looks
in a mirror and notes
that she has “Lois’ eyes
and nose...and...and
Lana’s lips! (Moan).”
When Superman sees
the composite busybody he pulls an
engagement ring out
of his cape and proposes on the spot.
Lana Lane accepts
(“Yes, Yes, Yes!!”). Superman flies off for a
few minutes to build a
“honeymoon palace”
in a “jungle clearing.”
As you might expect,
events change. Lana
Lane separates back to
Lois and Lana, but
wait! They will both die
in ten minutes! The
The Lucy and Ethel of comics, Lois Lane and Lana Lang, rumcurator happens to
mage around the Fortress of solitude and learn some ugly truths.
have
a
magic
Art by Kurt Schaffenberger. From Lois Lane #41 (May 1963)
Dragonette (a ZermTM & © 2003 DC Comics
bian creature) that can
save either Lois or Lana. Superman must decide! Lois and
Lana beg for their lives. Superman can’t decide. Lois gets
noble and offers to sacrifice herself. Lana suspects a trick and
gets nasty (“The little minx!”). A rock, a rearranged atomic
structure, and invisible rays prove to be beneficial. When
asked who he would have chosen to save, Superman cheerfully replies, “You’ll never know!”
The Return of the Green Goblin!
Amazing Spider-Man #17 / Non-Pareil Publishing Corp. (Marvel) / Oct. 1964 / a: Steve Ditko / s: Stan Lee
The Green Goblin defeats a “lifeless replica” of Spider-Man
(well, I’m impressed). Flash Thompson (who hates Peter
Parker but admires Spider-Man—they are, of course, one in
the same) announces that he’s starting the Forrest Hills chapter of the a Spider-Man Fan Club. The other kids think it’s a
ISSUE NUMBER NINE
21
“groovy” idea. Too groovy for Peter
Parker, who most definitely is not
invited to the first meeting. SpiderMan ruins a movie shoot—he
thinks a crime involving men in
capes is in progress—and upsets
the director (“You web-swinging
lamebrain!”). Peter Parker walks
pretty co-worker Betty Brant home
but sees Liz Allan, who he is trying
to avoid. Liz asks Betty if she’s “put
on weight” and invites Peter to the
Fan Club meeting to be held at her
father’s swank “dinner club.” The
Human Torch stops a real robbery
and gives Peter Parker his autograph (“What am I supposed to do,
sleep with it under my pillow?”).
Later, at the Fan Club meeting, SpiSpider-Man’s vicious nemesis, the cold-blooded der-Man shows up but so does the
Green Goblin, flngs a toy frog at our hero in “The deadly Green Goblin. The ruthless
Return of the Green Goblin.” Art by Steve Ditko. villain throws a toy frog (it’s “elecTM & © 2003 Marvel Characters, Inc.
trically charged”) and “Goblin
Sparks” at our hero. The crowd is
delighted (“More! Give us more!!”). Aunt May has “another
heart attack.” J. Jonah Jameson races home from the club
meeting to write a “Spider-Man is a coward” slam piece for
the Daily Bugle. Pure, primal Spider-Man fun!
The Imitation Aquaman
Adventure Comics #257 / National Comics Publications, Inc (DC) / Feb. 1959 / e: Whitney Ellsworth
I don’t have any hard data on this, but there probably isn’t a
major vintage comic book superhero around who hasn’t had
to deal with an evil duplicate. Aquaman gets his turn when
he faces a challenge to his “lawful rule of the deep!” A bad
guy known only as Hadley goes to a “small Caribbean island”
for some extreme plastic surgery. A disgraced surgeon gives
Hadley gills and an extra lung. Now able to breath underwater Hadley embarks on an oceanic crime spree (there’s lots to
steal on the high seas, apparently) and Aquaman, despite
years of good deeds, is immediately suspected. Hadley and
Aquaman square off and our hero defeats the bad guy by using his brains (in other words, nobody gets hit). Underwater
wonders include crabs gathering “tons” of oysters, whales
used to move a sunken galleon, and an octopus used as hand22
COMIC BOOK HEAVEN
A criminal is turned into an amphibian-human hybrid by a bum-surgeon hybrid and neither men
seem to have noticed that the surgery also bestowed the criminal with a duplicate Aquaman
costume. From “The Imitation Aquaman.” TM & © 2003 DC Comics
cuffs. But here’s the real reason for this review: Aquaman’s
final, triumphant remark, “Here’s where you really can use
your talent, Hadley!—Swimming up the river to the Big
House—where all dumb fish wind up when they get into hot
water!”
The Blind Boy of Steel!
Adventure Comics #259 / National Comics Publications, Inc (DC) / Apr. 1959 / e: Mort Weisinger
Superboy’s hearing is so good, he can detect a Kryptonite
meteor striking a far off uninhabited island. Time for an acting lesson! Superboy (dressed in his “colorful action
costume”) goes to the island along with his Super-Robot duplicates. He does this so he can show the robots how to react
properly if they ever encounter Kryptonite (“See how the radiations weaken me?...Gasp!”). Suddenly, lightning strikes the
Kryptonite with terrible results (“I feel as if intense energy
ISSUE NUMBER NINE
23
is...uh... pouring into my eyes!”).
Superboy and his robots now have
Diamond Vision which, of course,
causes everything they look at to
turn “to diamond.” Superboy orders
his robots to shut themselves down
until a cure can be found. Not really! He “swiftly” tosses the robots
into the ocean depths. Superboy
discovers that he’s now a “blundering menace” without his eyesight
and exiles himself to the Sargasso
Sea. Days later he sits around thinking about the origin of Krypto, his
superdog (including the part where
Superboy makes Krypto his own action costume—a cape). Hey, maybe
Krypto would like to be Superboy’s
seeing-eye dog? Krypto, who was
enjoying a “romp through space”
If Superboy can’t see, why does he need to
rejoins his master. Krypto, unfortucover his eyes? From Adventure Comics #259
nately, is easily distracted. He drags
(Apr. 1959). TM & © 2003 DC Comics
Superboy through a solid mountain
so he can chew on a dinosaur fossil
being shown at a nearby fair. Later, Krypto drags Superboy
underwater and is determined to hold him there for “many
hours” and begins to wear out his welcome (“That fool dog!”)
Superboy also has to contend with the Tiger Gang (bank robbers dressed somewhat like, well, tigers) and putting up
decorations for the school dance.
“Happy, Dad? No, I’m the most miserable
boy on earth!”
- Superboy/Clark Kent displays his latest incredible power: Super-Self-Pity.
The Silver Shield
Girl Comics #7 / Cornell Publishing Corp. (Marvel) / Mar. 1951
Billed as “A Real-Life Girl’s Adventure!” Sheila Stanhope wants
to become a policewoman (“I feel it would be a signal honor
to wear the silver shield of a policewoman!”). However,
24
COMIC BOOK HEAVEN
Sheila’s father is dead
set against such “nonsense” and effectively
kicks her out of the
house (“Goodbye,
Sheila, and remember,
you’re always welcome
here... as soon as you
come to your senses
and give up this foolish
idea of becoming a policewoman!”). Dad
changes his tune after
he’s kidnapped and
has a gun put to his
head.
“I thought I
heard a gun
report!”
- A fine example of
naturalistic comic
book dialog.
Yvoorg Nam
Bunny #4 / Harvey Publications, Inc. /
Mar. 1968
The Gloshville chapter
of the Bunny Ball In
Club (a group of welldeveloped
teens)
prepares to play host
to Yvoorg Nam (read it
backwards). It’s a
meeting that promises
to be “ultra-bashy” because Yvoorg is “thrice
cool!” Cool Yvoorg arrives dressed mostly in
brown, waves his
Um. like, far out, man. Bunny goes mod in the drug-free but
swingin’ and psychedelic “Yvoorg Nam.” Originally © Harvey
Publications, Inc.
“Oh, give me a home—
where the psychedillies
roam!”
- A happy teen enjoys “a Happening.”
ISSUE NUMBER NINE
25
hand, and creates... “a Happening!!”
A Happening, of course, involves
dancing and riding around on
pretty colorful blobs with grinning
faces. Events conspire to turn the
Happening into a bummer and by
the end nearly everyone is reduced
to tears. Not to worry, Yvoorg loves
you. [I can’t decide if this was written by an adult who didn’t
understand the sixties or written by
one who did.]
The Man in the Nuclear Trap
House of Mystery #129 / NPP / Dec. 1962 /
Has this ever happened to you? One
minute you’re helping a scientist
with his “Nuclear Exciter” and in the
next your head is stuck inside a giant iron atom? While some might
A guy with his head shoved up an atom. Looks like
think such a situation would make
art by Mort Meskin. Cover to House of Mystery
them look “awesome” or “neat” the
#129 (Dec. 1962). TM & © 2003 DC Comics.
hard fact is if you try to drain off the
power from a giant iron atom it
might collapse (thereby crushing your head and probably
causing a nuclear explosion as well). Lab assistant Bill Danton
finds himself in such a dire predicament. And the difficulties
quickly mount. Iron girders are suddenly attracted to his
head. While walking home from the lab Bill’s atom encased
noggin causes a statue to tumble and airplane instruments
to malfunction. Just when Bill’s day couldn’t get any worse,
his head attracts an alien spaceship; causing it to crash. This
upsets the space aliens who decide to kill Bill. Bill escapes
and is attacked by two giant iron atom-headed monsters. In
the end Bill vows to never “wear so much as a hat” on his
head again.
“Great Golok!”
- A space alien exclamation.
26
COMIC BOOK HEAVEN
Magicman Meets Nemesis!
Forbidden Worlds #136 / Best Syndicated Features, Inc. (ACG) / Jul. 1966 / a: Pete Costanza / s: “Zev
Zimmer” / e: Richard E. Hughes
Ichabod Putter is a lowly lab assistant and self-described “wizard of science.” A timely inheritance allows Putter to build a
lab where he quickly develops a Will-Power Sphere (it’s a ball
that does what Putter tells it to). The Sphere’s first assignment
is to get money which it does by robbing a bank. Meanwhile,
Magicman, in his “alter ego identity” of Tom Cargill, begins
what is intended to be at least 3 weeks of vacation with his
sidekick Kilkenny. The two pals take a canoe ride and talk
about “girls.” Kilkenny would be happy with “a beautiful,
lovely, pretty kinda broad, who’s nice-lookin’…” A few weeks
pass and Putter decides that his next invention will be a
Magicman robot duplicate made of “supple, jointed steel.”
The robotic Magicman goes on a crime spree (Gasp!
Magicman now has an evil duplicate?!). Such criminal activity alarms “the authorities” who meet at, oh, the Office of
Authority, I suppose, where they decide to get the famed
ghost, Nemesis, to
bring Magicman to
justice. But how do you
call a hero who resides
in “The Unknown?”
Fortunately, the police
department has kept
Nemesis’ former girlfriend under “constant
observation” for just
such an emergency. As
luck would have it,
Nemesis is having an
argument with his
former girlfriend when
the cops show up (he
says she can’t attract
another guy, she says
she can). Nemesis
finds the robotic
Magicman and gets
the snot beat out of I think I know why Nemesis is a dead superhero, a previous
him (and a black eye, girlfriend must have killed him. An awkward personal moment
too). Nemesis com- from “Magicman Meets Nemesis!” Art by Pete Costanza and
plains to a nurse script by “Zev Simmer.” Originally © Best Syndicated Features,
afterwards (“Lady, I got Inc.
ISSUE NUMBER NINE
27
The most surreal dialog outside of a Kirby “Fourth World” comic can be found in Kona #7 (Jul.Sep. 1963). Art is by Sam Glanzman but who wrote the insane script? Originally © Dell Publishing
licked—and I don’t like getting licked!”). But Nemesis, hero
that he is, doesn’t give up and uses his extra-sensory perception to find Magicman. This time, Nemesis is face to face with
the real Magicman who is more than happy to meet a fellow
crime-fighter (“Shake, pal!”). Nemesis, thinking that the real
Magicman is the robotic Magicman pretending to be the real
Magicman, has something else in mind (“I’ll lick you until
you can’t stand up!”). Unfortunately there is to be no licking
as Nemesis decides to give Magicman a stern talking to instead. Later, Magicman battles his robotic self but is defeated
because his evil duplicate is “insulated” against magic.
Magicman and Nemesis battle each other again. Then they
battle the robotic Magicman together. Then a giant army of
orange ape robots attack. Then “ancient monsters from out
of the past” fly out of the sky. Then Frankenstein’s monster,
Dracula, a ghost, and an old man fall out of the sky. Then the
robotic Magicman carries Ichabod Putter into outer space.
And finally, Magicman warns his sidekick to never “make
eyes” at a girl again. The closing caption promises that the
next Magicman adventure is “so exciting that you’ll faint!”
[No Title]
Kona #7 / Dell / Jul.-Sep. 1963 / a: Sam Glanzman* / e: Don Arneson*
Kona, who is kind of a Tarzan-ish caveman type, Dr. Dodd,
Mary, and two kids (Lily and Mason) are blasted out of the
ocean about 100 feet into the air by a “subterranean explosion.” As they fall back into the water a small island suddenly
pops up. Just as our heroes get to the desolate speck of land a
giant red ant drops in from above. Mary becomes agitated
28
COMIC BOOK HEAVEN
about the ant (“Queen of Quandries!”), or as she calls it, a
“scavenger in scarlet.” Young Mason is alarmed too (“Screaming Scarabs!”). Little Lily wonders if they should just “address
the opposition in English.” Cheeky kid. Mary snaps (“We may
never laugh again!”) and offers to knit a peace flag wondering if the flag should be “muslin, unbleached linen, or will
simple manchu silk do?” Dr. Dodd gives Mary a good shaking but she keeps going on and on about “buying tickets” and
going down aisles and working mothers and how “the price
for standing room may be double after all the chairs run out!”
Kona looks at Mary with deep concern in his eyes and then
smacks her hard upside the head. The ant suddenly picks up
Lily and pokes her a bit with its antennae causing Dr. Dodd
to ask, “How insane can an insect get?” Suddenly, the ant gets
serious with Lily and she is clearly in danger. Dr. Dodd is intrigued by how the ant
went from “kindergarden character to
killer in ten easy seconds!” Kona, who
appears to be less
prone to conversation,
charges the ant armed
only with a knife and
his loincloth. Kona
fights a fearsome
battle alone until Dr.
Dodd finally takes out
his gun and shoots the
ant. With the ant dead,
- Dr. Dodd sees a giant red ant for the very first
Mary steals a moment
time and gets into a groove.
to recall how they
came to be introduced
to Kona following a blimp mishap. Suddenly, hundreds of giant red ants pour out of a newly formed crater. “Creeping
Crustacean!,” calls out Mason. Mary is alarmed too (“We’re
done for, dear ones! They’ll grind our bones to powder!”) Kona
leaps to action but takes a moment to talk about his willingness to kill any threat whether it be “ant-eaters the size of
ants, or ants the size of all Asia!” Further, he announces that
he’ll do this killing by “available knife or available knuckle!”
Unfortunately, Kona spends so much time yabbering that he
is quickly overcome by ants. Dr. Dodd, trained in the tactics
of “anti-sub-warfare” and “anti-aircraft warfare,” is so overwhelmed that his brain becomes “an embittered lost lagoon.”
“It’s red like a lobster!
That’s for certain! And it
glistens like metallic insect
skin! That’s for certain! But
whatever it is… is by no
means certain!”
ISSUE NUMBER NINE
29
Thanks to the sudden appearance of high pressure geysers,
young Mason discovers a swell way to knock the heads clean
off of the attacking ants. The tables have turned! What follows is page after page of massive ant death! It is an orgy of
flying ant parts with our heroes getting whipped up into a
gleeful, wholesome fury (“Yes!”). And when our heroes manage to escape the island on a makeshift raft they find that the
ocean is loaded with “sea swollen corpses of scarlet.” But a
storm strikes and they are all dumped out of their raft prompting Dr. Dodd to inquire, “Do we or do we not survive, Kona?”
The End.
I love the bad guys hanging in the church window. Splash page detail from “Bride of Batman!” Art
by “Bob Kane” (wink, wink). TM & © 2003 DC Comics
Bride of Batman!
Batman #79 / National Comics Publications, Inc. (DC) / Oct.-Nov. 1953 / a: “Bob Kane” / e: Whitney
Ellsworth
Batman’s getting married! Criminals are thrilled and surprised. Thrilled because it means that Batman will be “too
30
COMIC BOOK HEAVEN
busy with home life” to fight crime and surprised because
they “never thought he’d fall for a girl!” How did the Darknight
Detective get himself into such a pickle? A woman, of course!
You see, the Shah of Nairomi, who controls the biggest concentration of Uranium in the world, is visiting Gotham City.
He meets and then wants to marry noted photographer Vicki
Vale who really isn’t interested, thank you very much. State
Department Officials encourage Vale to marry the shah so as
not to offend him. Vicki Vale, thinking quickly, announces that
she is secretly engaged to Batman and therefore unavailable
for any further engagements. Meanwhile, Batman and Robin,
unaware of the impending changes to their social calendar,
foil a crime at an electrical appliance company showroom
using a giant coffee pot and an enormous, fully functioning
vacuum cleaner. Later, Miss Vale explains her predicament
to Batman who reluctantly agrees to go along with her little
“hoax.” The happy couple try to put on a good show but when
Vicki attempts to kiss Batman he can’t help but think that
he’d be “much happier taking on a criminal, any day!” Strangers on the street derisively refer to our hero as “Lover Batman.”
The impending nuptials are such a hot ticket that the President invites himself to the wedding. Robin starts to worry that
Batman “won’t have much time to pal around” any more. But
Batman reassures his young ward that “nobody can ever separate us!” Unwanted plastic surgery and an “ancient royal
code” save the day. Batman and Robin share a celebratory
toast of Grade A milk.
“Batman, I told you to bring me flowers!
Was that so hard to do?”
- Vicki Vale, Batman’s demure fiancé
You Can’t Pin a Medal on a Gorilla!
Star Spangled War Stories #126 / NPP (DC) / Apr.-May 1966 / a: Joe Kubert / e: Robert Kanigher
During WWII Pinky Donovan and Charlie, his gorilla, entertain troops at the USO with a rather novel act. Pinky, dressed
up as a Japanese soldier, pretends to try and kill Charlie who
is dressed up as a Marine. The troops apparently love the act
but when Pinky is called back to active duty he tries to leave
Charlie behind. Charlie has other ideas and stows away on
Pinky’s transport ship where the two are forced to share a
bunk. Charlie, however, proves himself to be a fine Marine
ISSUE NUMBER NINE
31
once the battle site is
reached. He pulls orange-skinned enemy
soldiers out of trees effortlessly, digs foxholes
like a “steam shovel,”
and even eats c-rations instead of
bananas. Charlie also
tosses grenades, soldiers, and heavy
artillery guns with
ease. And then when
the smoke clears he
takes a moment to
raise the flag. Colorful
wartime terminology
includes:
“happy
hatchet boys” ( Japanese
soldiers),
“toothpicks for the
sharks” (what assault
boats become when
they explode), and
“Blue Blazes” (manly
war cussing).
Gorillas sure are hard on their uniforms. WWII action in the Decidedly Crazy DC manner. Art by Joe Kubert. TM & © 2003 DC
Comics
“UHHHH!—I feel like a
pizza pie the cook just
dropped!”
The Case of Frank
Bragan, Little
Shot
Mr. District Attorney #50 / National
Comics Publications, Inc. (DC) / MarApr. 1956 / e: Whitney Ellsworth
We meet Frank “Bitsy”
Bragan as a rather
small boy playing
baseball. The other
players consider Frank
- A soldier gets shot in the helmet.
to be one of the best
players on the team
but Frank willfully ignores the overheard compliments
(“Someday I’ll show ‘em!”). As he gets older, he gets into fights
over imagined comments about his height (“Trying to push
a little guy around, huh?”). One day, Mr. District Attorney (Attorney is apparently the family name) happens to see Bragan
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COMIC BOOK HEAVEN
get arrested. “What’s up with the little fellow?” he asks a
nearby cop who recounts Bragan’s long list of assaults and
misdemeanors. Mr. District Attorney isn’t too impressed
(“Fresh son of a wealthy man, eh?”). He’s thinks that Bragan
may be headed for trouble. Six months later, Mr. District Attorney has an opportunity to visit Bragan’s mansion shortly
after his wealthy father’s death. On the property is an “exact
copy” of the Colossus of Rhodes and a stuffed whale. Inside
the mansion Bragan has “trick mirrors” that make him look
taller and a tiny “midget” butler named “Jumbo” (har, har).
Mr. District Attorney returns to his office and consults with a
psychiatrist about Bragan. Keep in mind that Bragan has not
been charged with any crime at this point nor is he suspected
of having committed a crime. Mr. District Attorney simply
seems to believe that Bragan is the type to possibly, maybe
commit a serious crime. Fortunately for Mr. District Attorney, Bragan hires four men, all “exactly six feet three inches
tall!” whom he pays to commit a series of small robberies.
They steal from, get this, businesses with names like “Mammoth Map Co.,” “Gigantic Films,” “Goliath Food Mart,” and
“Colossus Department Store.” Mr. District Attorney suspects
that the robberies all have some connection (uh, the businesses all have dumb names?). This reads like a re-jiggered
Batman plot of the era minus the witty banter with Robin
and a colorful hero.
The Story of Superman’s Souvenirs
Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #128 / NPP (DC) / Apr. 1970 / e: Mort Weisinger
I sure would like to know how many DC comics stories revolved around souvenirs. I’m guessing millions. This time
Jimmy Olsen ‘s collection of Superman souvenirs are the focus when Killer Burke, a wanted criminal on the run, bursts
into the cub reporter’s apartment. Jimmy is enjoying a quiet
evening at home pawing his collection when Burke arrives.
Jimmy instinctively reaches for his Secret Superman Signal
Watch but discovers, to his horror, that he accidentally left it
back at the office after polishing the thing(!). When Burke
gets a little menacing Jimmy tries to buy time by telling stories about each of his souvenirs (shades of Scheherazade!).
Fascinating items include “the mystery meteor” (it’s hollow),
a suit of armor shaped like Superman, and the “Invisibility
belt of Luthor.” Of special note is the machine gun that doesn’t
work because Superman took the bullets shot at him and
“with super-pressure” reshaped and flipped them back at the
gun with such force that they melted inside the gun barrel.
ISSUE NUMBER NINE
33
I’m curious as to what kind of “great deeds” involved a tiny cannon, boxing gloves, and a barbell.
From “The Story of Superman’s Souvenirs.” TM & © 2003 DC Comics
As with wishes from a genie, Burke’s undoing comes when
he tries to escape using one of the souvenirs. An interior design note: Jimmy has at least three different large, framed
Superman images in his apartment and a smaller framed
photo on his desk at the Daily Planet office. Other souvenirs
pictured but not mentioned in the story include a bowling
ball, magnet, and an “Electro-Ray Gun of Krypton” (shouldn’t
that be getting examined at some military weapons facility
or something instead of sitting, unused, in a young man’s
apartment?).
“Superman’s Pal Captures Gunman
Without Superman’s Help”
- Above the fold headline from the Daily Planet.
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COMIC BOOK HEAVEN