Doruntina HOXHA

FIRSTS
Doruntina HOXHA
Chapter 1
Do you live in a world where no one loves you? No one supports you? No one cares? Literally?
If not, than thank God every night before you go to sleep.
You could’ve been me.
14th of June
I mix the soup with my wooden spoon and I keep checking the oven for the apple pie I’m baking. Father
will kill me if I leave it to cook too much.
“I know she did it, that bitch.” I hear Timothy yell and my legs threaten to give in. He walks into the
kitchen with Travis in his heels and they don’t even see me.
“It was definitely her, man. We should show her.” Travis says and they go on talking about a girl at the
bar. I sigh numbly in relief. They aren’t talking about me.
I take the pie out of the oven the second father comes in.
“What are you talking about, boys?” He asks as he throws his shoes by the door and comes to sit on the
dining table. He clings his keys to his empty plate, looking back at me. “Soup.” He calls before the boys
have the chance to answer.
I put the food on the table for them and I lean back as much as I can, pretending to be busy with
something, hoping they’ll just keep talking and not notice me.
We make it through dinner and I’ve washed the last dish, eager to get to my room already. It’s still just 8
but sleeping versus problem possibility? I’ll take sleep any time. I’m a feet away from my door when
Travis calls.
“Where have you been today?” He says and I know he’s not talking to father or Timothy. I know that
voice is reserved only for me.
I turn and try not to look up at him. But I’m already shaking because he knows. It has to be it, he saw me.
I didn’t do anything! I swear.
“Hey! I’m talking to you! Where have you been?” He shouts this time and makes me shiver. My eyes fill
with tears immediately. He knows, he knows, he knows! He knows I was at Bethany’s. It was just for five
minutes, I swear. She just wanted to show me the dress she was going to wear because her boyfriend is a
senior and he’s taking her to the prom tomorrow.
“Where did you go after school today?” Father ask, turning slowly toward me.
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Oh, God, they all know! I didn’t do anything!
“I-I-I…” I start to say but I can’t form any other word. My chin is shaking too much.
“What did you say?” He calls again and if I let it get to the third time he speaks without me answering,
I’m going to be in so much trouble.
“Nowhere.” The word slips from me. I didn’t want to lie but I’m too scared to tell the truth. I think,
maybe, they don’t know. They’re just guessing. I’m not allowed to go anywhere after school. Or before
school. Or ever. I shouldn’t have gone to Bethany’s.
“Are you lying to me?” Travis says incredulous and he gets up from him chair. A cry escapes me. I know
what is coming. I want to run but I can’t. I’m frozen. Father and Timothy are grinning and giggling. They
know, too.
“You little slut. How dare you lie to me?!” Travis says and before I can even plead and beg him to not
beat me, I feel his palm hard against my face and I fall on the floor. It’s never good when I fall on the
floor because he wants me to get up and I can’t because he keeps kicking me with his feet. And then,
when I can’t get up, he gets angry and kicks me more.
I need to get up. I feel his foot against my gut and I struggle to get up, even though all air has left my
body. I rest a hand against the wall and I pull myself up. He kicks me in the back and yells.
“Get up! You were at that little slut’s house! I saw you! You think you can hide from me?”
I’m on my knees. Almost standing up. I need to stand up. He kicks me again in my thigh. I let out a cry.
“No, please, Travis. I’ll never do it again…” I plead and I get rewarded with another slap across my face. I
hear father and Timothy laughing right before I fall on the floor again. This time, I know I won't make it
to stand up before he’s done with me.
21st of June,
Summer sucks. Because in summer, the school’s out and the only time I get to pass the outside gates of
the house is when I go to school. I’m not alone even then. Travis is like my shadow. Everywhere I am, he
is. But at least I get to see people. Other than my brothers and father.
I finish cleaning the windows of the house and I think to start with the chandeliers. I’ve cleaned them last
week but there’s nothing else to do. I already cleaned the farmhouse thoroughly.
My rag drops on the floor when I hear father call for me. I freeze for a second and then I run outside. He
doesn’t like to wait.
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“Have some bread and eggs prepared. We’re going to Jerry’s to play.” He says. I know he means poker. I
don’t look up but I run back to the kitchen. I see there are only eleven eggs and two pieces of bread. And
there’s nothing else. They haven’t bought anything today. Probably because they’re leaving. If I give all
this to father, I won't have anything left to eat. I’m already hungry. I couldn’t even eat breakfast because
the plants needed watering.
“Hurry up!” Father calls from outside and I quickly put everything in a plastic bag and I run outside.
I watch the car drive to the gates and I watch it stop right outside. Timothy comes out and closes the
doors from outside, locking me in. He blows a kiss to me with a sickening grin and I immediately run back
in the house.
I’m so hungry. My stomach is singing loudly. I search the cabinets for something to eat and I find a
tomato. Perfect. I eat it in just a couple of bites but it does nothing to me. I’m still hungry but I find
nothing else. I know it will be midnight before they come back home.
I take the rag again and I start cleaning the chandeliers.
17th of August
I turned seventeen a week ago. And they let me eat everything I wanted. And then they made me sing
for them. I have no clue about singing. My voice is a disaster. But I didn’t have any choice so I sang until
Timothy hit me with his zipper in the forehead. The bump still hurts but it’s healing.
I had a Dream last night and it was amazing. It was happening in Hawaii and I wish I could see that place
with my own eyes, once. Not just in my dreams.
“You dumb fuck. How can you lose your freaking passport?!” Dad was yelling at Travis and I felt little
relief wash over me. He doesn’t even see me when he’s mad at one of the boys.
“I didn’t lose it! I just can’t find it anywhere!” Travis shouts, kicking the wooden chair out of his way. He’s
seven years older than me yet sometimes, he looks more like he’s ten.
“That’s losing it, shithead!” Timothy jumps.
“Mind your own fucking business!” Travis shoots back at him just when father smacks him behind his
head.
“Stop wasting your fucking time and find out what you need to apply again!” He shouts at him and Travis
curses under his breath but doesn’t dare say anything to father. He just flips Timothy off and he walks
out of the house.
“Do I have a passport?” I hear myself speak. Oh, God! What the hell is wrong with me?
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I try to get as small as I can. Father turns slowly to face me with a sick gleaming in his eyes.
“Why do you want to know?” He asks, too calmly.
I shrug. I shouldn’t have said anything! Damn my mouth!
“Nothing. Just… curiosity.” I mumble and pretend I am busy folding just washed rags.
He doesn’t speak for a while. He lights a cigar and blows the smoke on my hair from behind me. I feel it
and I try not to flinch or fluster.
“Curiosity killed the cat.” He says and he gets out of the kitchen. I almost gasp when I remember that
Timothy is still here.
Goddamn it! What was I thinking?
I know what I was thinking. What I am thinking, even tight now.
Escape. I want to escape. I want to get out of Wisconsin and this place and never, ever come back. Father
never gave me any documents. I searched everywhere but I couldn’t find anything that recorded my
birth.
I hear Timothy step behind me.
“Get out of the way.” He spits and I move to my side immediately. He searches the drawer below and
keeps cursing under his breath while he looks for something and can’t find it. I just folded the drawers
and now they’re a mess again.
I wait silently until he gets up and heads for the door without another glance my way. I let out the breath
I was holding when I hear him step on the threshold. I turn back to folding rags thinking I’m safe, when
all of the sudden, someone grabs my hair and pulls hard.
A cry escapes my mouth as I fall against Timothy’s chest with my back. His cheek is pressed against mine
and the heavy smell of cigar makes me nauseas.
“Where is Travis’s passport?” He asks me and my knees give in.
I should’ve known. Just like I already know what’s coming when he drags me to my room by my hair.
11th of December
When I was little, I told a woman that was always nice to me whenever I passed by her house when
coming back from school, that I didn’t like my daddy. Naturally, she asked why and I answered. I told her
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how daddy beat me when I didn’t listen and that daddy beat me when I didn’t clean the table or when I
didn’t clean up his room.
And what did she do? She came to talk to my daddy. And daddy kept me locked in my room for three
days after he beat me so much that he broke my arm, a finger and my nose.
I learned then not to tell people what goes on inside the walls of my house. And I learned that no matter
how much I scream, no one will ever hear me. Why? Because, our house is too far from other houses and
located at the edge of Rib Mountain so no matter what, no one hears. I don’t know what father told that
woman but it didn’t matter. Nothing happened. Things just got worse.
So I think I’m going to take matters into my own hands now. It’s been almost three weeks since the last
time I got beaten. And in this time, I’ve thought about how to run away. I’m seventeen, with no papers
and no money but I’d rather die in the streets than live here my whole life. Because I’m too much a
coward to kill myself. To just end it. Like I should’ve done when I turned fifteen.
I have everything planned. And I’m doing it. Tonight. I don’t care what happens but I do hope I’ll die
before I have to stay here much longer.
1st of May
I look at the table I’ve set for dinner. Everything is ready. My whole body is shaking.
I check the clock and I look out through the window. Why aren’t they here yet? God, please, help me.
I see the headlights of father’s car. I sigh, waiting for relief but instead, another wave of dizziness crashes
over me. It’s time.
They sit in their usual places and I serve them the food. Spaghetti with meatballs and tomato sauce. My
palms are sticky and I can feel my hairline getting wet from all the sweat coming out of my body. I check
my pocket to see that I still have the bottle of sleeping pills in there, to remind me that this is really
happening.
I’ve tried to run away twice before and both times I failed. They caught me. They beat me. They locked
me inside for days and didn’t even feed me. They ‘taught me a lesson’, according to them. And they did,
actually. They taught me that you can’t run away from home in broad daylight and you can’t do it at
night when you think they’re sleeping, either. All three of them are light sleepers. So tonight, I am
prepared.
“Get me some coke.” Travis says and I go to the fridge to get the bottle. My heart is in my throat as I
watch them eat the meatballs, one by one. Meatballs covered in tomato sauce. Sauce that is filled with
sleeping pills.
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The doctor prescribed them for father. He complained about not being able to sleep. He just wants to
look important. He has no trouble sleeping.
But yesterday, I cleaned his room and I found the bottle. Today, I crushed it into dust and I mixed it with
the tomato sauce. Tonight is the night I leave all this madness behind.
“What are you staring at?” Father asks me, bringing me back from my thoughts. I shiver.
“Nothing.” I mumble when I realize I’d been watching them eat like a stalker. I pretend to be busy with
dishes as my stomach sings. I have everything prepared, though. I have food for two days stored in my
bag that is hidden under my bed.
Another half an hour passes. I don’t know how long it will take for the pills to start having effect. They’re
still talking about baseball and having beers. I don’t know it the pills should be mixed with alcohol but I
couldn’t tell them no when they asked for them.
Another ten minutes.
I start to see the signs. Dad yawns. Travis has his head leaning against the chair and he’s half sleeping
already. I’m a nervous mess as I watch Timothy analyzing the bottle of beer in his hands and trying to
keep his head from falling on the table. Four more minutes, and he gives in.
Father turns to look at me. His eyes are half closed, too. He looks sick. What have I done? Did I put too
much? What if I killed them? I put all the pills that were in the plastic bottle.
Oh, God! Father knows. He wants to say something and I can see that he knows. He knows and he’s
going to kill me!
“C-c…” But his chin falls against his chest the next second and his eyes close.
Silence. Complete silence.
I can’t move. Father knows.
He can’t do anything now if you run! I yell at myself in my head. A cry escapes my throat and I fear I
woke them. They don’t even move. What if I killed them?
I run first to Travis, who’s closest to me, and bring my ear to his mouth. He’s breathing. He’s still
breathing. And so is Timothy.
I walk over to my father and I’m shaking like I’m being electrocuted.
I need to reach the pocket of his pants for the key. The doors are locked. I need the key. He keeps it in his
wallet.
I reach and my fingers are shaking madly. So much that I have to struggle for minutes to get the wallet
out of his pocket. When I finally have it, I run to the end of the room and I find myself crying. Sobbing.
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What am I doing? Oh, God, please help me.
I open the wallet and I see the key. I also see three hundred dollars. I take them, too, and the wallet
drops off my hands the same seconds that my father moves his head.
I almost scream and I fall against the wall behind me. I look at him and expect his eyes to open. They
don’t. I keep waiting.
Why am I waiting?
I struggle to stand straight and I drag my feet to my room. I grab the bag with everything in it and I run
to the door. I walk outside and the cold air fills my lungs. I don’t know why I’m still crying but I make it to
the door, open it and walk outside. I almost expect them to be behind me when I turn to look at the
house for one last time.
But no one’s there. I’m out and they are sleeping inside. And then, I run.
I run straight to the bus station. It’s already nine o’clock and there are people out in the streets. I bump
against the ticket cabin and the man inside looks at me suspiciously.
“I need a ticket.” I tell him, running out of breath.
“To where?” He asks, raising a brow skeptically.
I look behind me. I haven’t thought about where I was going to go. I never thought I would make it this
far. I panic all over again.
I see a bus that looks ready to leave. Its headlights are on and a man is calling out to the passengers to
get inside.
I point at it. “Where is that bus going?” I ask and the suspicion in his eyes grows.
“New York.” He says and I put a hundred dollar bill in front of him.
“A ticket to New York with that bus, please.” I urge him, looking behind. The bus is still there.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asks, his small eyes squirming.
I nod. “Yes.” I lie, as if it was a complete truth. I look around the many faces and all I see is them. I feel
like they’re going to grab me by my hair any second now. I focus on my feet before I start to lose my
mind.
They’re at the house. Sleeping. They’re not here, I chant to myself.
The man slides the ticket under the glass in front of us, together with my change. Well, my father’s
change. Before he can say anything else, I grab them and I run to the bus that is already driving. I wave
my hands up and down for the driver to see me, and fortunately, he does. The bus stops and I hop in it. I
never look back.
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“What the hell are you doing, sitting out there?” Archer growls behind me. I roll my eyes with a sigh and
I stand up to get back in.
“Nothing.” I mumble and I walk past him to the back door. The stink of frozen, unfrozen and then frozen
again – meat stirs up the nausea that settled on the pit of my stomach in the morning. Morning. Just two
hours ago. I swallow the taste of bile that rises in my throat just like every single time and I open the
wooden door to the kitchen. It squeaks irritatingly and makes me flinch but I see the small space of the
fast food joint is filled so I take a deep breath and I deal with it.
“Good morning, sir. What can I get you?” I say the line that I’ve memorized ever since I started working
in this place. And then, I attempt a fake smile but the man looks up and narrows his brows at me so I
know I’ve failed. His gray eyes analyze me for a few more seconds before he speaks.
“Black coffee first.” He says, knocking the tip of his index finger on the rim of the white mug in front of
him. I do my best to hold my eyes from rolling.
“Of course. Right away.” I tell him and, to me at least, my voice sounds like the best possible version of
‘perfectly polite’.
Of course, it isn’t his fault that I work as a waitress at a crappy fast food restaurant, have a crappy
apartment and a crappy roommate – who, by the way, I think may be a hooker, and all of my mornings,
days, and nights are crappy.
Judging by his suit and by the watch he is sporting on his left wrist, I’d say he never had problems like
that in his life. But there’s nothing to do, really. It’s just the way life is. I have accepted it long ago. It’s
better here than back home, anyway.
I check out the big round clock above the counter every five minutes. I know it only makes time move
slower but I never learned to keep my eyes off it. I give Mandy a piece of paper with two orders in it and
she gives me a wary look. I grin, just because.
“I need you at four, now!” Archer yells at me like I’m standing ten feet away from him instead of two.
But I nod silently and head for table four. The woman sitting there made me talk at least four times
because she had hearing problems. I wanted to ask her why she didn’t go to the doctor but hey, it
wasn’t my business so I kept my mouth shut.
Four o’clock. I’m starving. Just one more hour. But… I have nothing at the apartment. That piece of crap
boiler broke last week while I was in the bathroom so naturally, my roommate said that I broke it and
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that I should pay for it. I wanted to say: Hey, it was only a matter of time before it broke. It’s not my fault
that I happened to be in the tub at the wrong time!
But as usual, I kept my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself. What’s the point anyway? She would’ve
made me pay no matter what I said, so why bother? Exactly.
So I paid 300 hundred bucks and now I only have four dollars in my pocket. And it’s Thursday. Archer
doesn’t pay until Sunday.
I look at his wide shoulders and the sweat under his armpits, that has drawn a map on his worn gray
shirt, makes me flinch. I look up at his greasy, dark brown, uncut hair and that’s not a good idea either. I
can tell he hasn’t taken a shower in two days or more. But his back is turned so I slip behind the counter
and slowly open the kitchen door. Mandy, Rodriguez and Jo are singing, whistling and screaming at each
other at the same time. According to them, each of them is faster than the two and each of them is the
best cook her at Freddy’s. According to me, they all suck. I could make a burger a hundred times better
than they did! But I wasn’t crazy and I definitely didn’t have a death wish to say as much. I try to speak
and call Mandy. She usually throws leftovers at me whenever Archer’s not here. But she is screaming at
Jo and I gave up after the third time. I look at the door behind me and then back at the door that leads
to the back, outside.
Shit. I say to myself and I take the back door. If Archer finds me, I know I’ll be in a lot of trouble. But I
push the door open with both my hands and a little smile creeps on my lips when fresh air hits me. What
I would do to work outside this place…
“You know, we’ll leave this place soon, you and me.” I jump startled and turn around to see Saw, who’s
looking ahead at the blue sky and smoking his cigar carelessly.
“You scared me.” I say in a rush and try to calm down the beating of my heart.
“It’s true.” He says again in his low voice. A voice that many girls think is sexy. A voice I don’t like so
much. It reminds me of… things.
“Sure we are.” I say sarcastically. He grins, showing me his perfectly even white teeth, which is a mystery
to me, because he has been smoking nonstop for the past year, ever since I started working with him.
He really is handsome. His dark hair falls on his eyes constantly ever since I met him and he keeps
pushing them away behind his four time pierced ear and I don’t understand why he just doesn’t cut it
already. His eyes, a rich brown, almost golden color, feel like they are caressing wherever they are
looking. His nose has a small crook that fits his features perfectly. In times like this, I do understand why
he gets all the costumers who are women and he always ends up with the biggest tips. He just flashes
his smile and cougars fall to their knees.
“What’s your story, villager?” He asks for, probably, the two millionth time. I smile and I nod.
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“Maybe I’ll even tell you someday.” I say and I turn my back at him to look up at the blue sky. I wished I
could be as free as it looked.
“Come out with me.” Saw says, stepping to stand by my side. I lean back immediately as my skin starts
to itch and smile sadly but don’t say anything. He already knows my answer is the same as it had been
the first time he asked me out.
“At least tell me why not!” He said with a grin because even after a year, he still believes that I secretly
fantasize about him when I go to sleep and that I secretly am in love with him. He honestly believes that
someday I will say yes!
And I want to! God knows I do. I never said yes to a guy before. Ever. And Saw looked like someone girls
like to hang out with but first, I think I am maleofobic – I don’t even think that’s a word -, and second I
don’t want to mix work with my personal life. Not that I have one.
“Because Saw.” I say, turning to head back inside reluctantly. “We work together.” I call to him and open
the wooden door.
I check the clock on the grey wall and strange enough, it’s four, twenty five. Time did fly by when I didn’t
look at the clock every five minutes. And, since it’s Thursday, I only have one more day of work and
then: Saturday! The best day of the week, because I worked on Sundays.
Chapter 2
“Just get your shit and get out!” I heard Sunny yell. Who knew what poor bastard she was throwing out
today. I cautiously approached the door and I waited for whoever was inside with her to come out.
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Another shout and some more noises that told me things were being thrown all over the living room,
and the door opened. I keep my head low as the man, who is two times my size and has his jeans
unbuttoned and his shirt on his hand, steps in front of me like I am a graveyard and walks down the
stairs in a hurry.
I sigh in relief and I walk in the apartment. The place is a mess. I look for Sunny but I can’t see her.
Probably in her room. I walk to the kitchen countertop and I throw my torn bag before I make my way
around to the sink to wash my hands. The dirty dishes called my name over and over again and I curse
Sunny like I do every day in my head, and I wash them. I shouldn’t wash her dishes but if I leave them,
they will be there for at least another week.
After I dried my hands, I go for my bag. I had successfully grabbed a piece of burger bread from right in
front of Archer’s eyes and he didn’t notice, when I finished work. I look at the big piece of bread in my
hand as my stomach sings to me. And then, I hear Sunny’s moan. I shiver, because it’s coming from in
front of the couch and I don’t see anyone sitting there. I lean over slowly to see that Sunny was lying on
the bare wooden floor with her hands on her face all along.
Her skirt had gone up to her waste and I could see her white lacy underwear and her bottom clearly.
“Sunny, you okay?” I ask all though I know she isn’t. She’s never okay. She looks up at me and another
shiver makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Her nose is bleeding, her left eye is swollen shut
and her bottom lip is torn.
For a second, I was turned back in time.
“You worthless skank!” He shouted at my face while his big hand grabbed my throat tight enough to
make me think I am dying but loose enough to let small amounts of air reach my lungs, with difficulty. I
watched him because there was no use in crying. The good it did me…
“I curse the day you were born!” He shouts again in his scratchy voice and the smell of alcohol blows on
my face from his breath right before he slaps me across the face and I fall on the muddy ground with my
hands in front of me.
Join the club. I think to myself.
“Help me up…” Sunny mumbles and reaches out a hand toward me, brining me back to the now.
I reluctantly take her hand until she rests one hip on the couch. Then I let go and return to my food.
It’s not that I don’t feel bad about her, because I do. But I had tried so much worse than that and it
hadn’t even been my fault, to my knowledge. I never brought drunken men home and different ones
every night, at that. I never cursed or used words like shit or fuck. Hell, I didn’t so much as speak without
being spoken to.
You’re so not going there. I tell myself as my tears threaten to spill out of my eyes like every time my
thoughts take me away.
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So yeah, I don’t hold Sunny’s hand or hand her a wet towel to clean the dried blood off her face. I just
eat in silence and watch her, wondering how many times I had needed someone’s hand to just help me
up. And then I smile in irony.
Exactly 126 times. It has got to be some kind of a world record.
Finally, eleven. I stand up to pace around my small room and wait for the knock on the door that I know
won’t take long now. I sigh loudly and I make my eyes go up to the walls around me. Four yellow walls
with cracks everywhere that have been my reality for a little over a year now stand solid in front of me.
Read. I urge myself. I hold my breath in my mouth and I start.
I smile. I frown. I flinch. I nod.
My face reacts differently to every line I have written on small pieces of paper and glued them to the
wall. The owner was going to flip when he saw the marks I’d left on the worn, yellow paint. But I didn’t
care. I wrote those lines in the many mornings I woke up breathless, after having had one of The
Dreams. The Dreams are stories I see in my sleep, real people, real places, details – at least real in my
dream – that wake me up in lucky mornings and if I don’t at least start to put the story on a piece of
paper, I feel like I am going to go insane. Not that I consider myself mentally healthy. I really don’t.
But, back to The Dreams. I look at the pieces of paper on the wall. Each one of them is the start line for a
story. I count twenty one pieces of paper. Twenty one stories. And each one starts differently. Too bad I
can’t get enough paper. I had savings, up until a month ago, when the apartment got robbed. I don’t
know how they found my two thousand dollars in a bottle of perfume I’d found in the dumpster, but
they took it all. I couldn’t even call the police. Now, I can’t afford to by a notebook, or pad, even less. So
I just think the stories through and I hope to remember them for when I will have enough paper and
enough pens to write them all down.
I woke up at the sound of rain drops pouring constantly on the window above my head. I stretched and
pulled my blanket over my head as if to tell the world that the morning had fulfilled all the conditions to
be spent sleeping until midday.
One of them went. I did have mornings like that myself.
Sweat beads descended slowly from my hair line to my just done eyebrows. Stephan, my sexy yoga
instructor, kept on making me work. I tried not to drool all over every time I saw him in his tight outfit
that showed every ripped muscle of his perfectly fit body, his strong arms that had me daydreaming of
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how they would feel around my body, those thighs … Okay, I’m drooling now… Another one went. I
actually woke up smiling the morning I had that dream. I couldn’t believe all the things that had come
out of the main character’s mouth. She was hilarious! I couldn’t wait to write her down in details.
The door knocked. Finally. I jumped to the door, practically running.
Bo stood there, smiling widely and showing me his crooked teeth.
“There’s my girl.” He says, nudging my hair like always, and like always, I jumped back as soon as his
hand touched me. I’d told me a thousand times to not come near me. I can’t let him touch me. Ever. Or
any other man.
“Took you long enough.” I mumble and head inside before he can start to complain about my attitude,
leaving the door open for Bo to close it.
“Gotta run. I just came here to drop this.” He says, putting the small joint in my palm. I flinch.
“Thanks.” I say reluctantly.
“You’re too good for this shit.” He smiles sadly.
“And you should let me pay you.” I tell him, raising my brows.
“Nah. Don’t worry ‘bout it.” He waves his hands, grinning. His brown reddish hair is almost as curled as
mine and his light blue eyes make him look like he’s crying at all times in combination to his pink skin
tone.
“Where are you headed?” I ask him.
“Got some deliveries all over tonight.” He says with a wink and heads back for the door.
“Be careful.” I call from behind him and he waves his hand without turning to look at me. I wait until I
can no longer see him descending the stairs. I close the door with a sigh and walk back with my head
down to my room.
I close and lock the door behind me, and jump on my bed.
“Too good for me, my ass.” I mumble to myself and slowly open my palm where the small joint waited,
ready for me. I flinch and I take it in between my fingers. God, how I hate it. I hate it so much, I love that
I know it kills me.
I take the small match from my drawer and light it, drawing in a mouthful of white smoke, before I can
give my brain a chance to think about it twice. I hold the smoke in my mouth, feeling it slowly numb my
buds and I raise my head to rest it on the wall behind me.
I swallow and then let the leftover smoke out of my mouth and nose and out of anywhere it wanted.
I keep my eyes closed for a few more minutes, and then I open them to stare up at the ceiling.
14
Books. I see lots and lots of books in front of me. Books are so much better than this. I mean, why do
people even smoke weed and do drugs when a good book can take you out of your reality, your life and
deport you inside someone else’s? Why bother and smoke when you can spend your day inside
someone else’s life with a book in your hands? Stupid people.
I wish I could afford to buy books. I would never, ever do this thing again to escape my reality. Because,
with weed, I did escape my reality but I still thought like me, felt like me, and imagined things about me.
With books, I don’t have to do that. I don’t have to remember I even exist! I think and feel someone
else, whoever the book is about. But sadly, I can’t afford the luxury of buying books. Great books I see in
stores and my stomach hurts to reach out and grab them. Instead, I smoke weed.
I laugh at myself. At least the weed is free for me. As twisted as the story that provided free weed for
me was, it was damn worth it.
I had moved in two months ago into the building. I had heard that the guy with red hair was a dealer but
never actually met him. Anyway, I minded my own business until, one day I was walking up to my
apartment when I heard things breaking inside the dealer’s apartment. I don’t know what got inside of
me but the next thing I knew, I had opened the door and I was staring at a big, huge guy with a baseball
bat ready to swing it onto the dealer’s face. He was shouting something that I couldn’t quiet hear
because the blood was rushing in my ears. Without so much as a first thought, I grabbed a vase that was
standing innocently on the small drawer next to the door, I ran and I broke the pretty blue thing to the
big man’s head.
I laugh out loud. The way he had fallen to his knees and right on top of the dealer seems hilarious now. I
keep on drawing smoke from my joint.
Anyway, dealer boy barely made it out alive from under him and he kept looking down at his
unconscious body and at me. Finally, he rubbed his hands on his face and walked inside his room,
leaving me frozen and wide eyed at his opened door.
He came back a few seconds later with a black bag in hands. He handed the bag to me.
“Take this,” he said in a rush and fished for his phone in his pocket, “and keep it with you until I come
and get it. I’m calling the police now,” he continued and he put the phone to his ear, “and once they
take him and inspect my apartment, I will come up and get the shit, do you understand?”
I watched him, terrified. I knew I had drugs in my hands. I strangely held on tight to it.
“Can you do that? Okay?” The dealer said in a rush. I found myself nodding like an idiot before I turned
my back to him and headed upstairs to my apartment. I cursed myself with every step I took but it was
how I was born and raised. I was never allowed to say no. Apparently, that’s a hard habit to break.
I smile at myself as I start to hear birds chirping but they are chirping for my ears only. Ever since the day
the dealer – who introduced himself as Bo, came to get his drugs back, he said that he was going to
deliver a free joint for me every Thursday, for as long I wanted.
15
I slowly drifted to a heavy sleep.
“I need you at seven!” Archer’s voice pierces my ear. I turn to look at him with my brows curled. Like he
has to yell that much. I am standing right next to him! But far be it for me to say so. It doesn’t matter,
anyway. Just another shitty day of my shitty life. Chew, swallow, fill your mouth again.
It is already midday and I can’t wait for tomorrow. My day off. I saved half the joint that Bo brought me
yesterday. I am going to smoke it for a good morning. But for now, with Archer at my back, I keep my
head down and go to take an old woman’s order.
Two o’clock. Why won’t you just move faster? I talk to the clock on the wall in my head.
Because, the clock tells me, I was built to move at this pace. And its voice has that obviously! tone.
“Oh, dear Lord up in Heaven!” I hear Mandy say in a high, hysteric voice.
“What?” I ask, just to ask.
“There is a man on table four. A real man, but you wouldn’t know. You’re just a baby!” She says, giggling
to herself and I roll my eyes. I had my share of real men in my time but I didn’t say anything.
“Would you look at those arms! Oh, Lord, my panties are dropping!” She sings and I feel embarrassed
for her. Really, she is 35 years old! It just doesn’t suit her to speak like that, especially in a room full of
men. Call me old fashioned but that was just pathetic.
“Come, come!” Mandy waves to no one in particular and I turn my head around as if I didn’t see nor
hear her while the guys lean over to check the guy that had woken Mandy’s fantasies. I study my nails as
the corner of my eyes catches the guys nodding in approval. I almost wish I was curious to check. I’m
not.
The next second, the four of them scatter around the small space like mice. I stand up on my feet and
pretend to be busy putting things in their places because I know that Archer is about to come. Sure
enough he does.
“Need you at four!” He shouts, again.
“Four is Saw’s…” I manage to whisper without looking up at him. I already know he’s furious. He doesn’t
like people talking back at him.
16
“I don’t care! Take four now or get the hell out!” Archer yells. Like he would pass an opportunity to
threaten his employee’s. Bu t I understand. It makes him feel powerful and it caresses his already giant
ego. So I swallow again and prepare my pad as I head for table four. The table that’s supposed to be
Saw’s, who is probably smoking on the back. I cursed him a million times in my head.
I keep my head down and my eyes on my pad when I stop in front of a man who is sitting all alone.
“Hello, sir. What can I get you?” I ask him. I can see from the corner of my eye that he is checking out
the menu and I have no desire to hurry him up. He takes another few seconds before he lets the menu
drop on the table and looks up.
“Yeah, I’ll have a… oh!” He breathes. That makes me look at him in confusion.
Shit. I can tell he is who Mandy was talking about.
His eyes, a very light shade of whiskey – chocolate brown, are perfectly lined with dark, long lashes that
touch his eyebrows when he looks up. His nose looks like it was carved by one of the famous Greek
sculptors that had made faces of Greek gods on stones. And his lips… for some reason, my eyes linger on
them and I can’t react fast enough to look up to his eyes again. They are a rich shade of a coral, almost
bright pink color. They are full and he have that natural o-like gap right in between them, in the middle.
His skin looks like it has been painted and his light brown hair is cut short, but long enough that some
strings fall lightly in his forehead. He is… beautiful. And he is staring right back at me.
All of the sudden, I feel sick. There’s something in my stomach! Something wild that has my insides
tangled… I don’t understand.
“Hi.” He says and his face breaks into a smile. My heart starts to pound against my chest.
There’s only one thing that can be understood from this. He is bad news and I need to stay away from
him.
But… oh, dimples!
No, no, no. I close my eyes, even though I know I look stupid probably, but I inhale deeply and I force my
eyes to stay on the pad when I open them again. Why is that hard to do?
“Hello, sir. What can I get you?” I ask again but my voice is barely a whisper. Something is very wrong
with me. I can’t think. My mind is a series of scattered lines all over a blank page.
“I… uh, don’t know. Can you… recommend something?” He says, after cleaning his throat and he smiles
again.
God, he looks so young. He has a black shirt on that looks like real cotton and faded jeans. I can see what
Mandy was talking about when she referred to his arms. They are just… enough! Enough big and enough
small. I can’t understand my thoughts.
“Sure. Number three.” I barely say, pointing with my pen at the menu.
17
He nods but keeps looking at me for a second longer. I can feel his look on my skin and it feels like it is
burning me.
“Okay. Number three it is. Thanks, uh…” He says and I write something I can’t understand on my pad
and eagerly step back to go find and kill Saw.
“Wait… what’s your name?” He asks me and I stop to look at him again. His beautiful eyes give me the
feeling that the color is melting in them. He waits for me, the curiosity clear in his eyes.
Why? I wonder.
“Well…?” He says after a few moments and smiles. There! My stomach is going crazy again!
“I…um,… haven’t decided yet.” I say honestly and I pat my pen against my chin, which serves as a good
distraction. He then laughs and my knees shake a little as a shiver runs down my back. I can almost taste
the sound…
“You haven’t decided?” He asks incredulous.
I keep staring at him. He looks unreal. He feels unreal. He sounds so damn unreal. And he is laughing
still, until he sees that I’m not. Then he stops and is staring right back at me.
“Carry?” I try but I don’t know why I make it sound like a question.
He flinches but laughs a little again.
“Nah, you’re definitely not a Carry.” He says, smiling and shaking his head.
Carry. It was a nice name. I liked it. I sigh.
“Caroline?” I ask again. It definitely worked for me before and it was a good name. He looks at me,
shakes his head and smiles.
“Nope, not Caroline, either.” He says and I let it go.
“Cristina.” I say with a nod, using the name I had used mostly ever since I started working at Freddy’s.
But he seems to think that I was a Cristina because his face breaks into another smile that makes me
fingers shake. I think I am sweating.
“It’s nice to meet you Cristina. I’m Pax… ton. Pax.” He says in a weird way that I find myself smiling. Why
the hell am I smiling?
“Okay.” I say and I take a step back. “I’ll be right back with your order, sir.” I say even though he can’t be
more than a few years older than me. But he’s still a costumer.
“Number three.” I call at Mandy and I head straight for outside. I am going to kill Saw, I swear.
Sure enough, I find him leaning against the wall and smoking.
18
“Where the hell have you been?” I say much louder than I intend to. I normally never raise my voice. But
I normally, never feel like something has taken over my stomach and I normally don’t shake and sweat in
front of someone for no reason. My heart doesn’t want to get out of my chest when I am talking to a
costumer!
“Whoa!” Saw jumps, startled. “What happened?!” He panics.
I force myself to take control. I inhale and exhale deeply.
“Are you okay, Cristy?” He says approaching me. I nod before I open my eyes and immediately step
back.
“I made the order for table four. Get inside.” I tell him, again my voice sounding much more strong and
loud as I intended.
Saw looks at me and at the door again.
“Can’t. You made me drop my cigar. Now I have to light another.” He says simply and turns to walk to
his spot again. I look at his back dumbfounded. Table four is his table!
“Saw, the costumer…” And all of the sudden, the image that goes on in front of me of the costumer’s
face, makes my heart race again. “He’s waiting.” I tell Saw but he waves me off like he doesn’t care. He
doesn’t care, actually. Not at all. And I can’t make him go back in.
No, no, no. I can’t see him again. Ever. I don’t feel… okay when he looks at me. Something must be
wrong with my health. I wouldn’t be surprised but something was definitely wrong with my stomach and
heart and face. I keep blushing for no reason and I keep seeing him in front of my eyes. I have never felt
this before. I don’t know what to do.
“Saw, please…” I plead because I know that the costumer, Pax, is bad news. He’s trouble, I can tell. It’s
always better to keep someone who makes you feel too much far.
“Jeez, Cristina. Just take care of this one for me, will you?” Saw says, clearly irritated. I know I have lost. I
have to go back again and see him.
I sigh because there is nothing left to do and reluctantly I drag my feet back inside. I am a nervous mess.
I take the tray with his order and I swallow hard. I am sweating like I have been running all day and every
inch of me is aware of his eyes on me the second I step outside the counter. My hands shake and I pray
that I don’t let the tray fall. Archer will definitely kick me the hell out.
But I reach the table and I put the tray down. I feel like I am made of jelly. I don’t look at the stranger. I
just put his plate on the table as fast as I can.
“Do you work here long?” He asks me, making my heart skip a beat. I am leaning closer now and I hear
his voice more clearly. It is deep and rough but very sweet at the same time. It’s like one of those voices
I imagine telling my stories.
19
“One year.” I say and take my tray to leave. “Anything else, sir?” I ask, keeping my eyes at the pad in
front of me.
“Hey, it’s Pax, okay? No need to call me sir.” He says smiling and drawing my eyes at his beautiful face.
My mouth goes dry and I am mesmerized by the light shining from his eyes. Literally.
“Okay, s…” I say and stop myself before I say sir again. But my eyes have found his and now I can’t let go.
I yell at myself in my head to get back to the kitchen but it’s like his gaze has captivated me and it is
holding me a slave. In a very good way.
“You… um, live around here somewhere?” He asks me, never leaving my eyes and a smile spreads across
his face. I don’t know why he keeps smiling, although it is an amazing, wonderful smile and the dimples
on his cheeks are just a work of art. But why is he smiling?
“Yes.” I say, after I find my voice. “Three blocks away.” I blurt out and regret it the next second. He is a
man! He could be a thief. A rapist. Or worse, a murderer! Why did I tell him where I live?
Probably because he just doesn’t seem like he is any of those things. And I am being pushed by
something unnatural that has my feet pinned on the floor and my eyes on his.
“Oh, really? That’s good. It’s good to work close to your job. Do you like it here?” He goes on and he
wasn’t touching his food. The fries are no good once they get cold.
“No.” I simply say because I don’t.
He laughs again. I didn’t know why but I… wanted him to keep laughing. It was a really great sound.
“You don’t?” He asks, still laughing. I know I have to get out of here. I can’t stay any longer or I will be
transformed into more an idiot than I already am. A very ill idiot.
“I have to get back to work.” I say and without giving him the chance to stop me or myself the chance to
look at his eyes again, I turn back and walk to the kitchen.
Breathe, breathe, breathe – I tell myself. There really is no need for my heart to be pounding, or for my
mouth to be so dry. My God, what is wrong with me?
Thirty minutes later, I let go of a breath I wasn’t aware I was holding. He just walked out of the door a
few seconds ago. He kept watching back at the counter with every step he took until he was out. I was
sure he was looking for me. Good thing I was hiding, sitting in my place right behind the door to the
kitchen from where I could see everything but no one could see me.
“What’s gotten into you?” Mandy asks me. Her bleached blond hair falls on her face and she doesn’t
care that her hands are filled with oil. She grabs them and puts the strings behind her ear.
20
“Nothing. Just… nothing.” I say, because I don’t know. I can’t understand what got into me, either. But
good thing it was done. He is gone and I hope I’ll never see him again. How he made me feel, it’s just not
safe. Or sound.
The last time I felt like this, I ran away. My feet itched to do the same just now. I didn’t look back, I just
ran. The day I should’ve finished high school.
It should’ve been a happy day for me. But then again, my first day of school, my first day of high school,
every day of my senior year and every day of the summers in between should have been happy days for
me. I wonder what a happy day would be like. You know, when you wake up whenever you want to and
you’re just… relaxed, you know?
You don’t rush out of bed at 6 am every day, even on Sundays, and you don’t get dressed quickly and fly
out of your room just to not get to see your father. You don’t keep your mouth shut every single minute
because, one wrong word – and that man thought that I could only say the wrong thing every single
time – and you end up with blood on your face and on the floor, face first.
You don’t get…
“Cristina, get over here!” Archer’s voice broke my thoughts. This is one of those few times when I am
glad to hear his voice. I don’t need to think about things I ran away from. They’re over. Done. I’ll never
see them again. Ever. I’d rather die.
So I get up and go to the table that needs to order. And it figures that it’s a man that looks almost
completely like him. A shiver runs down my body and I do my best to keep standing straight and not run
away when he looks at me. Like I said, some habits are tough to break.
It’s finally Saturday. I open my eyes and I look at my ceiling. It’s not a happy morning but it’s calm. I can
do… what I want. That’s gotta count. I just wish I had some more money.
I take a shower form my new boiler. There’s no difference whatsoever. Just my money that’s spent.
Archer pays shit but it’s not like I can quit. I don’t know if I’ll ever find a new job without papers. Guess
that’s why Archer doesn’t care. And Sunny, neither.
I remember the first time I saw her. I followed an ad I found glued to a try to the apartment and when
she opened the door, I thought I already knew her from somewhere from the way she smiled and
invited me in. Her bleached blond hair fell down to her waste and her baby blue eyes were captivating.
Her lips, painted in a rich shade of dark red looked like a bow. She’s really beautiful.
21
“My name’s Sunny, you know, because I shine like a bright sunny day!” She told me laughing
hysterically. And I thought to myself, she is nice. Little did I know back then. She changed the second I
told her that I had no papers. My father probably never registered me anyway. I shouldn’t have told her
that, though. But now she knows that I have no place to go and she just can’t wait to make my days a
living hell. Again, it’s not like I can complain.
Banging on the bathroom door. “I need to pee!” Sunny calls from behind it. I roll my eyes but start to
hurry. I open the door with my towel wrapped around my hair and my clothes wet because I had to
wear them without drying off.
“Finally…” Sunny whispers in rush and jumping from one leg to another, gets in and closes the bathroom
door.
I lock the door to my room, just in case she thinks she can walk in while I get dressed.
I sit on my wooden chair right in front of my old, sprayed with black dots, mirror. I clean my hair and I
prepare to comb it.
My hair is a light blonde shade but it looks silver most of the time. Dark silver, like I'm old. I keep it short,
even though I love long hair. But, growing up, dad and the boys grabbed my pony tail every single time I
passed by them. Plus, my curls are so messy and need to be taken care of every day. It’s not like I can
afford a hairdresser. So I keep them right below my chin.
I sigh, as I look at my reflection. It has been a while since the last time I saw my face covered in bruises
or cuts or blood. It’s actually kind of nice. My eyes are green. The color of the devil’s eyes, according to
my father. My small nose fades compared to my long lips. And my skin’s just… white! I swear, I look like
a ghost most of the time. But it’s okay since that is the look I’m going for. All though, I’d love to have
some of that makeup that Sunny has. Not too much, like she uses it but I would like some lip gloss or
some eyeliner and mascara. But the truth is, even if I had those things, I know I would never feel like
putting them on.
I see the half smoked joint in front of me and I take my lighter out.
“To a good day.” I say to myself and I breathe.
Chapter 3
The streets have taken that same warm vintage color again. I smile for no reason. I pretend I have a
home, a mother, a father and two brothers who don’t look to break my face every time they see me. I
pretend I have applied to a nice college and that I haven’t skipped a year. I pretend I’m still eighteen.
A few guys stare at me and wink, laughing at the goofy grin on my face. I wave at them and they wave
back. And then they think that I’ll wait and talk to them so one of them, the one who keeps watching
22
me, starts walking toward me. I rush my steps and I quickly cross the road. I don’t look behind, I just
keep hurrying.
Two hours later, I’m hungry. Yesterday I at least found three slices of almost untouched pizza in the
trash outside Freddy’s but today, I’m not sure what I’ll get. I have exactly eleven dollars but luckily for
me, I get my week’s payment tomorrow.
I walk on the streets of Bronx and I am almost sure that everyone is smiling at me. I am about to cross
the road again when I hear a familiar voice around the corner. I can’t remember exactly where I heard it
but my heart starts to beat louder. I approach cautiously and that’s not really hard because everything
around me moves in slow motion. I drag my feet along. I rest on the cold wall and I breathe deeply
before I take a peek.
Sure enough, there he is. My stomach starts to go wild again. But my blood freezes in my veins. He has a
man pinned to the wall with his hand that is around his throat. I didn’t realize how big he is when I saw
him sitting or when I watched him leave the restaurant. His shoulders are wide and he is almost two
inches taller than me. His hands are big, strong. I see the muscles clench as he puts pressure in his grip.
The man against the wall keeps trying to push his hand away but he’s too strong.
I wonder what the hell he has done. He has a suit on, deep gray with a nice red tie. He looks like a
businessman and his almost bold head shines from the sun in the sky. His eyes look red, probably
because he can’t breathe. I know firsthand how that feels.
I giggle as I remember how it is to choke. I didn’t want to push his hand away every time my father did
that. I wanted to die. But I couldn’t help it. I giggle some more. My hands would fly up against his all by
their own.
“I told you I would kill you, you piece of shit!” The stranger, Pax was telling the man. He couldn’t speak
but he tried and I thought I heard ‘sorry’ and ‘please’ come out with the small amount of air from his
mouth.
“You thought I was fucking kidding?!” Pax shouted against his face. “You think I won’t fucking do it?!
Huh, you piece of shit?!” He continued but I could see that he wouldn’t. He didn’t have it in him to kill
the man. Definitely not. I could see the way his knees gave every few seconds and his elbow shook. Plus,
he let his stand body too far from the man’s. If he really wanted to kill him, or if he could kill him, he
would’ve taken all of his personal space. At least that’s how my father did it. I close my eyes because a
flash of the past comes in front of my eyes. I feel dizzy and nauseas.
“You ever do it again Nick, I swear to you I will break you, do you hear me?!” Pax shouts and my ears got
used to the man’s pleading. I wonder what he has done again.
My eyes analyzed Pax. His body is that of an athlete. His face looks like he is going to explode and
unleash his fury on the man any second. He looks… dangerous. A feeling of fear crawls up on me
immediately and I move away the second he lets the man go and he falls on his knees, coughing and
23
trying to get air inside of him. I don’t know why the hell I feel so bad to see Pax like that. I don’t even
know him.
I run the way I came. I can’t let him see me. What if he… I don’t know. I don’t know what kind of feeling
is this that rests with all its weight on my stomach. It’s making me dizzy. The people on the street aren’t
smiling anymore. Nothing is the same, not the colors, not the feelings. I run straight back to the
apartment.
My alarm clock starts ringing exactly seven seconds after I open up my eyes. I feel mad. Yesterday went
to hell after I came back to the apartment. I cried. I don’t know why I did, but I cried. It was all that
stranger’s fault. I regretted the day I saw him. I wish I never see him again.
It feels like Monday when I finally make it to work. It sucks to start the week on Sundays. But oh, well.
It’s better than staying in my room. And my period started this morning so I had to spend my last dollars
on tampons. It really is – for me, a curse to be a woman.
Mandy has the day off so it’s just me and the boys today. Saw gives me a wink but no one else notices
me until I hear Archer call out to me to tell me that we have costumers. I am hoping for some tips today
but as usual, my non smiling face just scares people off. I can’t help it.
So I start my day. The clock, that evil clock on the wall just keeps slowing down but I don’t mind. It’s
okay. My life is okay. It could’ve been worse. I could’ve been stuck in Wisconsin to this day.
Two hours went by quickly and finally, Archer went out. I immediately ran to the back and saw that Saw
wasn’t there. I sigh in relief and take his place. What a strange name he had. Well, nickname. His real
name was Daniel but everyone called him Saw because when he was a little boy, he liked to kill small
animals with a saw-like knife he always keeps around in his back pocket.
I watch the sky stretch bright in front of me and I wish again that the tall building in front of me never
existed. I can never see far enough. I like the sky. Blue is my favorite color.
24
Chapter 4
The door to the restaurant opens and my heart skips a beat. I don’t understand why until I turn abruptly
and my eyes meet his. The second I see him, my mouth goes dry. It’s so dry, I wonder if it has ever been
wet to begin with. I attempt to look down but his clear, liquid eyes are just so demanding. They demand
I look at them. He smiles. I see those dimples. Something inside me sings.
Pax slowly starts to walk toward me. He looks so different from the guy I saw yesterday. So non-violent,
even though he really is big. Finally, he let’s go of my eyes and I feel like a spell was broken. I look away
and my feet immediately move away into the kitchen. I can see him for what he is now but the image of
him holding that man by the throat against the wall just scares me. I am scared of him.
I keep my eyes on my fingernails and I pray silently that he sits on one of Saw’s tables. I can’t talk to him
again. What he makes me feel is too many contradictions and I really don’t want any more
complications in my life.
“Cristina! Get your ass here!” Archer yells and my knees start to shake again. I know he is sitting in one
of my tables. I get up reluctantly, still keeping my head down. I still hope that another costumer came in
and I didn’t see him.
“Table three, now.” Archer barks and I don’t have to look up to see that it’s Pax. I should’ve known
better than to hope. Hope never got me anywhere.
“Okay.” I say and I breathe deeply. I take my pad in my hands and I train my eyes to only stay on my pen
as I walk over to him.
“Hello, sir. What can I get you?” I say even before I reach him.
“Hi. And it’s Pax, remember?” He says and I can tell by his voice that he is smiling.
“Okay. What can I get you?” I say again and try my hardest to keep my eyes from going to his. I feel
excited and scared at the same time. I can’t keep the image of him holding that man against the wall off
my mind.
“I’ll, uh… go with number three again.” He says and sounds confused. I write down number three and I
nod, ready to return when:
“So, how are you, Cristina?” He says and pushes my name more. My eyes move up to his face like they
don’t care. I gasp because he is smiling and I… like his smile.
“Good.” I murmur and take a step back.
“Wait. What’s wrong?” He says eyeing me suspiciously. His brows narrow slightly in concern. I look back
at Archer and he is doing something on his phone. Saw is busy with a costumer. I look back at him.
“Cristina?” He calls my name again and I like that, too. He scares the hell out of me.
25
“Nothing.” I murmur again. “I’ll be back with your order.” I tell him and I turn my back again. This time,
he doesn’t stop me, thankfully. I give Rodriguez the order, which is a piece of paper with a number 3 on
it, really, and I wait for Saw. As soon as he opens the kitchen door I jump in front of him.
“Please take table three.” I plead.
“What?” He asks confused and looks back to see who I mean. His brows shoot up.
“Why?” He asks, doubt clear in his face.
“He… scares me.” I tell him truthfully. He scares me in many ways.
“That guy scares you?” Saw says laughing and shaking his head. “He’s big but there’s nothing he can do
to you here. I’m out smoking if you need me.” He simply says and walks around me to go out back. I
watch him close the door with my heart on my throat.
“Order ready!” Rodriguez calls and all I can hear is my heart beating. I'm even sweating a little.
Get it together! I yell at myself in my head but I can’t stop my hands from shaking. I reluctantly take the
tray with his order and I look around only to see Archer looking at me with that look on his face that says
‘what the hell are you waiting for?’. I swallow and I make my way out of the kitchen. I keep my eyes on
the plate and I feel my knees shake.
I don’t want to talk to him anymore. I don’t want to see him anymore. I don’t have a choice.
I finally reach him and I put the plate in front of him without ever looking up. I place down his napkin
and silverware and I successfully avoid his eyes.
“Thanks. Looks good.” Pax says easily and takes the fork on his hand.
“Anything else?” I ask him because it is procedure. I have to ask him but I hope he says no.
“Yeah… can you sit with me?” He says and I can tell he is grinning. My stomach is officially being torn by
a crazy small man with a butcher knife in his hands and he is going all around my organs, slicing them.
“No.” I tell him. It is against policy to sit with costumers, no matter what, thankfully.
“Okay. That’s okay. We can, um…” He says and I wait impatiently for him to finish his thought. I don’t
understand myself.
“So where are you from?” He asks me and I look up in surprise. It was truly unexpected. And I shouldn’t
have looked at him because now he is smiling and his eyes look like molten light chocolate and I can’t
look away.
“Wisconsin.” I tell him, for whatever reason.
26
“Oh!” He says and his hands fly up. He scares me and I take a step back, my hands reaching up
instinctively. I just keep seeing him holding that man by his throat. I have tried that and I don’t like how
it feels.
He stands up and I almost shout.
“Cristina. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to… are you okay?” He asks in the sweetest voice and makes me
wonder if it was really him I saw yesterday.
I nod but I take half a step back, just to make sure. “Are you… afraid of me?” He asks like he can’t
believe it. I just look up at him. “Why?” He asks again, a dumbfounded smile taking over his beautiful
face.
“I saw you.” I blurt out without intending to. “Yesterday. With that man.” I go on and watch as his eyes
grow wide with realization. They are still beautiful, though.
“Oh.” Is his response. He looks down on his table and sits on his chair again, shaking his head.
“That’s… a different story.” He says reluctantly and he looks up at me again. “I would never hurt you,
Cristina.” He says and even though that name isn’t mine, I can almost hear the promise in his words.
But he told me three times the same thing and he did it again. So, I didn’t believe Pax even though a part
of me did. Still, I nodded and I turned to walk away from him, leaving him staring wide eyed with a sad
expression in his face.
I served my costumers in silence for the next forty five minutes and I never looked at him, even though I
could feel his eyes on me all the time. I wish he would just stop looking. It makes me feel things I have
no idea how to explain. But he stands up and is ready to leave. He has hardly touched his food. I make a
mental note to pack it later for myself. He comes to the counter without waiting for me and I give him
the price reluctantly.
He gives me a twenty dollar bill.
“It’s okay.” He says when I reach for the wallet to give him the change. But I don’t want it. I don’t want
the ten dollar tip he gave me. I don’t know why, though.
“Cristina, I…” He says, drawing my eyes to his but again, he doesn’t finish his sentence. I watch his
expression change from sad, to confused, to a little angry and then back to confused again until he looks
up at me, shakes his head and smiles. “Never mind. Thank you.” He says and he turns around to head for
the door.
I feel disappointed. I almost wanted to hear him say that he wouldn’t hurt me again even though I don’t
believe it. I wonder if I will see him again. I know that it would be best if I didn’t but I don’t understand
why a big part of me is praying that I do. I’m too complicated so I let it go and try to not think of his eyes,
his smile and his words.
27
Finally, five o’clock. I open the front door with an almost smile on my face. Archer remembered to pay
me without me having to ask him. I hate to ask him to pay me. The streets are crowded like always as I
make my way back to the apartment. I have Pax’s food wrapped up in a piece of paper and in my
pocket. I can use the food and the paper to write. I hope Sunny is not home.
I look at the many faces that I pass by until I reach one in particular and my heart slams against my
chest. My breathing stops and my knees threaten to give in.
“No…” I whisper. It can’t be. No, no, no. I can feel my head shaking but I can’t think straight. His face
breaks into the smile I know so well. My organs crawl inside of me, screaming. I struggle for air and at
the first sign of just a little of it reaching my lungs, I start to run.
I run back where I came from and I can feel the tears in my eyes. I am still shocked to realize what the
hell I am doing but every cell in my body encourages me to move, run, get as far away from him as
possible. I turn into an alley the second I feel a hand grab my arm and stop me.
I scream. I scream with everything I have inside of me and a homeless woman sitting on the ground
stares at me with wide eyes, and then at the man who now has me pinned against the wall with all his
body. His slim fingers wrap around my mouth and I can’t scream anymore. The woman runs away.
I shut my eyes tightly. I don’t want to see his face. I pray that he kills me.
How did he find me?! How the hell did he find me in the middle of Bronx?!
“Well, if it isn’t my little sister!” Travis says and I feel dizzy. Bile rises in my throat and I can do nothing to
make it stop.
“Open those devil eyes, you little whore!” He yells at my face and I do, I open them. His smiling face fills
my vision and my body tries to move instinctively. But he has me good and I can’t move away.
“Dad’s gonna flip when he hears this!” Travis says and shows me his crooked teeth again while laughing
like the world is his. Another numb scream escapes from me.
“Shut your mouth, whore!” He yells and slaps me hard on my face. Hot, stinging pain shoots all over my
head. I fall to the side from the impact and I don’t even have the strength to scream anymore.
“So, this is where you’ve been, huh? You thought we wouldn’t find you, is that it?” He says taking my
chin in his hand and making me look at him again. I keep my eyes closed because seeing his face brings
back memories that hurt so much more than his slaps. But it doesn’t matter anyway. I am finished.
28
“Answer me, you slut!” He shouts again and pushes his knee in my gut. My body doubles over from the
pain in me but his body doesn’t let me. He grabs my hair and takes me up again.
“How did you find me?” I whisper, crying. I just want to know that, at least, since I am sure that it is
over. Once he sends me to my father again, I will be done just like I had been for the first eighteen years
of my life. I wonder if this time I would be strong enough to end my own life. I never could before. I am a
coward.
“As luck would have it, I wasn’t looking for you. But imagine my surprise when I saw you walking right to
me!” Travis says loudly and pushes my head on the wall behind before he starts to laugh that throaty
laugh again. He has become even more like my father than he had been the last time I saw him. My eyes
hurt and the back of my head feels like it’s on fire from the hit.
I’m not even surprised. Luck just never was my thing. I was surprised when I made it to New York the
night I ran away, in the first place! I had been so sure that I wouldn’t.
“What I will do to you…” Travis says and pulls me away from the wall only to push me behind with so
much force that I’m sure some bones in my body broke. But I don’t scream anymore. It won’t matter
anyway.
He steps back but keeps one hand around my throat to keep my in place. For a second, I think of Pax’s
beautiful face. I think of his smile. Now I am definitely never going to see it again.
Travis unbuttons his belt. I close my eyes. I pray that he intends to beat me with it. Just beat me, do
nothing else. I beg God, please God, I know you don’t like me, but please, please, please don’t let him
unbutton his pants again.
I keep repeating the words in my head again and again with my eyes closed and I wait. I wait for the
nightmare to start. It never does.
“What the…” I hear Travis say right before his hand is removed from my throat and I almost fall to the
ground. I open my eyes to see Travis lying face first on the floor. I see Pax standing on his feet and
kicking the hell out of my brother.
The image in front of me is so surreal that I have to take a moment to take it all in. Pax grabs my
brothers grey sweatshirt and pulls him up. He moves easily with him in hand and drops him against the
wall just a few feet away from me. My muscles jump in my body.
“Stop.” I whisper but Pax doesn’t. He holds my brother straight against the wall and he starts to punch
him right in the face. He doesn’t stop. Three times, four, seven, ten… Travis’s face is now all red from his
blood. The look on Pax’s face tells me he is not going to stop.
I jump at him and grab his arm before he is able to land another punch.
29
“Stop.” I say again and this time my voice comes out stronger. Pax turns to look at me and I am not sure
he can see me from all the rage on his face. He lets go of Travis and he falls down on the ground,
moaning in pain.
“Cristina… are you okay?” Pax asks me in a breath and takes my face on his hands. I am so scared that
the adrenaline in my body doesn’t let me remove his hands like I would’ve done in any other day. That,
and the warmth of them just makes me feel a little better.
“Yes. Stop, please.” I tell him again and I feel warm tears coming out of my eyes. I don’t want him to see
me, not like this.
“No.” He says, letting me go and he kicks Travis again in his stomach. He keeps on moaning. “I’m going
to kill him for what he did to you!” Pax says and gives Travis another kick. I step in front of him with my
hands on his chest. I don’t know where I get the courage to do so, to touch him.
“No, you can’t kill him.” I say, I plead in a shaking voice because even though I clearly remember
everything that Travis has done to me, I can’t let him die. He is my brother.
“What? Sure I can, watch me!” Pax says, his voice dripping hatred and disgust and he tries to remove me
from in front of him. His face is flushed and his cheeks scarlet.
“No!” I shout, surprising us both. “You can’t!” I say again.
“Why the hell not?!” He asks, incredulous.
I look down at Travis. I can’t see his face but I can see he is still breathing. His back goes up and down
every few seconds.
“He’s my brother.” I tell Pax and I move away.
He knows. Travis knows and he is going to tell my father. He will be here looking for me and he is just a
phone call away. I have to go. I have to run again. I can’t stay here.
I turn my back on both of them and I do just that. I run.
“Cristina, wait!” Pax calls but I don’t wait. I don’t turn, I just keep on running. Thankfully, I have some
money from my payment. I quickly make the plan in my head. I will go the apartment, get my things
together in no longer than five minutes and I will go to the bus station. I will take the first bus out of
New York just like I did in Wisconsin, and I will never return. Ever.
“Cristina, stop!” I hear Pax calling and I hear him running behind me. I can’t let myself lose time and wait
for him. I want to thank him for saving my life but I don’t have time. Once my father knows where I am,
he will turn the whole Bronx upside down to find me. I can’t let him find me.
I am a road away from my apartment when I feel a hand on my arm. I scream and I gasp but Pax’s face in
front of me makes me stop.
30
“Cristina, Jesus Christ, what the hell?!” He says with his eyes wide.
“I… I can’t. I have to go now.” I tell him and the second he lets go of my arm, I start to run cross the
street to my apartment. Horns start to honk and a car stops an inch away from my legs.
Damn you. I tell the driver who is waving his hands at me like a lunatic. Why the hell did he have to
stop? Everything would have been so much easier if I was dead. But I don’t explain, I walk into my
building and I take the stairs two at a time.
I see the door and find my keys. Pax is behind me again but he doesn’t say anything and I don’t have
time to talk. I push the door open and I pray that Sunny is not home. I run to my room and I hear Pax
closing it for me. I quickly take out the black bag I had brought with me from under my bed.
“What is this?”Pax asks coming inside my room. I open up the small closet with a few clothing items I
have and I put them in my bag.
“My room.” I tell him but don’t stop to elaborate. I move on to my underwear drawer.
“You live here?” Pax asks me and I can hear the disbelief in his voice.
“Yes. But I have to go now.” I tell him and I hurry to gather the pieces of paper I have on my walls.
“Was that really your brother?” Pax asks me as he stands by the door and I know he has no idea what to
do.
“Yes. He is.” I tell him and I reach for my nightstand to take out the four notebooks with my stories in
them. I put them on the bag, too. Bathroom next.
I walk past Pax and I grab my toothbrush and a towel. It’s not really mine but Sunny has plenty.
“Wait.” Pax calls and he grabs my shoulders before I enter my room again. He makes me stop and look
at him. “Why was your brother beating you?” He asks me with a serious expression.
“I don’t know.” I tell him honestly. I never knew why my father and my two brothers behaved the way
they did with me. Probably because my mother had been some kind of a whore and had left the house
through the window the same day I was born.
“What do you mean, you don’t know? Why are you running from him? Where are you going?” He asks
again in a kinder voice.
“I don’t know.” I tell him again with complete honesty. I really have no idea where I am going.
“Do you have parents, other family?” He asks but lets me go so I rush to my bag again.
“No.” I say and I look around the room to see if I’m forgetting something. I didn’t have much but it
seems I have everything that belongs to me. I zip my bag and I take it from my bed to get the hell out of
there. Five minutes have already passed.
31
“Wait.” Pax says, again and steps in front of me.
“I have to go now.” I tell him, desperate.
“I know. You’re coming with me.” He says and takes my not so heavy bag in his hand. I take a few
seconds to analyze his words as I stare at his beautiful, melting eyes.
“What do you mean?” I ask because I don’t know.
“You’re coming with me.” He says again and with my bag on his hand, he walks to the door.
“I’m not coming with you.” I tell him, as a trace of something – anger? – slowly makes its way up to my
head.
“I’m not going to leave you alone, Cristina. Not when a lunatic wants to beat you with his belt!” He yells
and he is completely transformed into the man I had seen in the alley, all trace of the sweet Pax of the
fast food gone. Strangely, I am not scared of him anymore.
“Why not? You don’t know me. I don’t know you.” I tell him, pointing the obvious, and I look around for
a pen to write Sunny a message.
Pax stops. He turns to look at me in confusion. He then looks down at my bag in his hand and then
stares at the floor for a few moments. Awkward silence between us. He just realized that he doesn’t
know me and that he doesn’t have to take me with him.
“Because, I don’t know. But you’re still coming with me.” He finally tells me and I can tell that he is
surprised by his words as much as I am. I know exactly what it feels like to not know why things happen
or why I do things, so it’s okay.
“Come on.” He tells me and I am sure that he means it, even though neither of us knows why. I start to
look around for a pen again.
“What are you doing?” He asks me as he waits by the door.
“I want to leave my roommate a message.”
“You can just text her, let’s get going.” He pushes.
I know what he means by ‘texting her’. “I don’t have a phone.” I tell him and I finally find a pen on the
couch. I walk to the kitchen and I grab the milk carton. I write on it.
I’m not coming back, I write and then I leave the carton on the table of the living room. I take one look
around the place and, just like the last place I left, I don’t feel sad that I’m leaving it, not like people do
in books.
Then, I turn to Pax. “I’m leaving alone.” I say and I head for the stairs.
32
The air seems tense all around me when I make it down to the street. I am paranoid. Every face looks
like Travis’s to me. My heart is pounding against my chest and I feel like running, but I don’t.
Travis isn’t here, dad isn’t here. Yet, I tell myself in my head.
“Cristina, this way.” Pax tells me as he starts to walk in the direction of where we left Travis bleeding.
Maybe he is insane. I walk up to take my bag.
“I’m going the other way.” I tell him and I offer my hand for him to give me the bag. He doesn’t.
“You’re not going alone.” He tells me again and this time, the fear in me doesn’t let any anger show. I
like anger. It makes me courageous, I think.
“Yes, I am. Please, just give me the bag. I need to get away from here.” I tell him and my chin trembles
against my will.
“Cristina, listen to me.” He says and comes very close to me. He takes my chin in his hand to make me
look up and my whole body shivers from the touch of his skin. I don’t jerk away. Why?
“I have a car. I am going to California anyway and you can come with me.” He tells me and my stomach
churns and my toes curl. I always wanted to go to California. But do I trust him? I don’t know, but I
shouldn’t. I don’t know him. So I shake my head.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Cristina. I swear, I will just get you to California and then if you want to,
you’re on your own.” He says recognizing what I am about to say and what I am thinking. I look up in his
eyes willingly for the first time. All I see there is light, melted chocolate going around in circles. I swear,
the color of his eyes moves. But the biggest surprise of it all is that I’m still standing there. He’s touching
me and I don’t move away.
“Just… please, come with me!” He finally says louder than before and he leans in even closer to my face.
I shiver again. I realize I don’t want to move away. This is messed up, my head tells me. I look up at him,
ready to shake my head again but I find myself nodding instead. I don’t know what I am thinking, or
rather if I am thinking. He is too close and I like it as much as it scares me. Then his face breaks into a
smile. My knees shake and for a second, I forget that Travis saw me and that he is going to call my father
any second now.
Pax takes my hand in his and starts walking. I am a step behind because I can’t keep up with his fast pace
but he has my hand in his and drags me. My eyes are pinned to our intertwined fingers and I am
wondering, why is my hand so warm and so hot? Maybe I’m getting a fever? I don’t think so. I haven’t
held hands with anyone, let alone a male person, ever in my life, so I think it’s understandable why I
can’t keep from asking myself why I'm still here and not even intending to move away.
I stop when we are a block away from where we left Travis. I can’t go on that way. I shake my head
without a word.
33
Pax turns to face me. “Don’t worry. As long as you’re with me, he won’t dare to come near you.” He tells
me and I really want to believe in his words. But he doesn’t know Travis. And Travis has a gun. I have
seen it.
“I can’t…” I start to say but he grabs my hand again.
“Yes, you can. Trust me, I will kill him if I see him come near us.” He tells me and he smiles sadly at me.
He feels sorry for me, I can tell. I hate it when people feel sorry for me. It’s okay, really. I have accepted
my reality.
Without another word, he drags me again. When we are just a few feet from the alley and my heart is
beating like it wants to get out of my mouth and nose and ears, Pax stops and drags me to cross the
road. I let go of a breath I wasn’t aware I was holding but my eyes are scanning the area for any familiar
face. Again, every guy looks like Travis and it is driving me mad.
“Don’t look. There’s my car.” Pax tells me and he stops in front of a dark blue, almost sliver car. It is a
nice car but I have no idea what kind of a car it is. Pax opens the back door and throws my bag inside.
Then, he pulls me around while my eyes stay in the alley, and he opens the passenger door. He waits for
me to stop looking around. When I finally find his face, he is looking at me and smiling in wonder. But
then, when he sees the other part of my face, he flinches and a cloud of anger replaces the sweet
wonder in his eyes. I probably have a red cheek from Travis’s hit. Pax looks away and I get inside the car.
The leather seats are very comfortable and have a black color that makes them shine. Pax closes the
door and goes around the car. I watch him as he takes every step and I wonder how someone so big can
be so graceful. I remember that I have seen men on the TV once, walk like that.
“Ready?” Pax asks me but doesn’t look at me again. He starts the engine and it makes a roaring noise
that makes me flinch. I keep my eyes on the people and on the road as I try to swallow the lump of fear
that has gathered in my throat. My mouth is full with warm saliva.
“Relax, Cristina. He can’t touch you now.” Pax says realizing the tension in my body and seeing the way I
was looking out the window with wide eyes. I literally expected Travis, or even my father, to jump out of
nowhere and open the door to get me out. I watch the door lock for a few seconds, thinking if Pax would
mind if I just push it down. And then, magically, it goes down by itself. I turn to look at Pax only to see
him smiling sadly.
“There. Safe now.” He says kindly. I hate to see the pity in his beautiful, melting eyes but I nod and I
finally let my back lean against my seat. It is very comfortable. I didn’t know a car can be this
comfortable. But then again, I don’t know a lot of things.
I look ahead at the road lying in front of us. Traffic. I keep looking behind every few seconds. I can’t help
it. I feel like Travis’s hand is an inch away from grabbing my hair.
Pax reaches for his phone in his pocket. It is the same as Archer’s. An iPhone. Guilt eats at my insides
when I think of Archer. God knows he didn’t deserve to be informed that I wouldn’t be there tomorrow,
34
but then again, Sunny didn’t either. I wish I knew his phone number. Then maybe I could’ve borrowed
Pax’s phone to call him. I sigh.
“Hey.” Pax says and I look at him in surprise but I see that he has his black phone pressed to his ear. And
then I hear a woman speak.
“No, I’m heading back to California.” Pax says. “No, I kinda had an emergency. I’m on my way already.”
I started to feel uncomfortable. The woman on the end of the line seemed very worried. Probably his
girlfriend.
“Hey, relax. It’s okay. I’m fine, I promise. I just…” Pax says and then turns to look at me with half a smile.
I immediately look down once I realize I had been staring at him. “I ran into a… happy coincidence, that’s
all.” He finishes and my stomach goes crazy again. I’m pretty sure that there is a big virus in there eating
away everything. “I’ll give you a call when I get home. Yeah, I love you, too.” He says and then he ends
the call.
I pretend to be highly interested in something that is outside my window, even though I have no idea
what is passing in front of my eyes. My mouth is dry again and my fingers are shaking so I quickly tuck
them under my thighs. I can feel thoughts of Travis trying to poke their head and take over my mind. But
strange enough, I feel safe. I feel okay and I almost really believe that Travis is not going to find me.
Almost. Thoughts of my father finding me seem distant now that I’m in this car with him. With a
complete stranger, but a very beautiful and kind stranger who saved my life. A stranger I don’t feel like
moving away from.
“Do you mind if I ask you something again?” Pax asks me, and I know immediately what he wants to ask
me. I don’t say anything and he takes that as an okay. “Why is your brother trying to kill you?”
I bite my tongue. I want to tell him that my brother doesn’t want to kill me. He would never kill me. He
would just take me back to being the same as I was a little over a year ago.
But back to his question. “I don’t know.” I tell him.
“You don’t know why he slaps you and tries to beat you with his belt? How long has this been going
on?” He continues and I can catch the hint of anger in his voice easily. I shrug.
“A while.” I say. He turns to look at me suspiciously, raising his brow and drawing the words from my
mouth as if with an invisible force I can do nothing against. “My whole life.” I say and I don’t know why I
keep telling him.
“What?! Are you kidding me?! Why?!” He shouts and I jump, startled. My heart starts beating fast. My
arms are in front of me. It’s never good when people shout. Something bad comes right after.
“Jeez…” He says and slams his hands on the steering wheel. My whole body jumps together with the
sound of it. “Cristina, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…” He says and I let go of the breath I was holding. I
35
know he didn’t mean to scare me but I can’t control the lump of fear that is living in my throat. I swallow
hard and inhale. It’s okay, I tell myself. It’s okay, so I just nod.
“If you don’t know why he beats you… what does he say when he does?” He asks, trying to calm his
voice. I shrug again but I don’t say anything. The list of things he calls me is too long. I don’t want to cry
again.
“Cristina, you can trust me.” He says again and reaches for my hand that is lying limp on my lap. As soon
as his finger touches my skin, I jerk my hand away. It’s more of an impulse, really. The way I am used to
acting my whole life. Not that it feels bad. His skin feels good. Safe. I say sorry with my eyes but he
doesn’t look annoyed. Or mad. He smiles, instead.
“What about your parents?” Pax goes on when he sees that I don’t intend to answer his last question.
“What about your mom and dad?” He asks again and I shiver.
“I don’t have a mother.” I tell him and I wonder where my mother is. I never met her. She ran away a
day after I was born and father said I should blame her for everything that has ever happened to me. I
don’t know if I do, though. I kind of understand why she ran away from him. I did the same.
“I’m sorry about that.” Pax says in a whisper and I nod in acknowledgement.
“Your dad?”
I want to tell him to stop talking. But I can’t because I don’t want him to be angry and mad. I don’t want
him to throw me out. Against all odds, I want to stay with a man. So I reluctantly answer.
“Father says that… it’s okay.” I tell him the truth. The first time that Travis and Timothy… And then when
I cried, he said that it was okay. That I deserved it. I don’t know why I deserved it but I didn’t ask.
I can see the second Pax’s grip starts to tighten around the steering wheel. His knuckles go all white,
bloodless. He’s angry again.
“I’ll get you to California. And then you’re pressing charges.” He says, letting go of his breath.
My throat lets out a week, scream like, laugh. First because he is not angry anymore and second,
because I actually understand what it means to press charges against someone. I learned that in school,
before they stopped me from going. I even day dreamed about it many times. Pressing charges against
my own father.
“Why are you laughing?” Pax asks me in surprise and I am surprised, too, that he didn’t think the sound
that came out of me was anything but a laugh.
“Because, no one is going to believe me!” I tell him. I have thought about it many times but in the end,
who is going to believe me? My father and my brothers made themselves look perfect in front of our
neighbors and in front of the whole world. The whole town thought that I lived like a princess, having
two brothers and such a devoted single parent.
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“Yes, they are! Of course they are going to believe you! Look at your face!” Pax says and he unfolds a
mirror from the rooftop of the car. I gasp when I see my eyes looking back at me.
I thought that my face was a little red. It isn’t. It is covered in a light purple and yellow color. I have dried
blood on my bottom lip that is a little torn. My eyes stare back at me in horror. Just yesterday I thought
how it had been a while since I had seen my face in bruises. Seems I talked too soon.
I push the mirror back up and tears gather in my eyes. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want him to feel pity
for me. I am okay with the life I have been given.
“Cristina, I… I don’t know what to say.” He says with a sigh and shakes his head. “It seems like everything
I say just comes out wrong. And I end up saying sorry after every sentence. So, I’ll let you rest for a
while. Maybe you should get some sleep.” He says and I can tell how uncomfortable he feels. His
eyebrows are narrowed and his bottom lip covers his upper one. I feel like I should give him a smile. I
try, I swear, but I can’t. Too much has happened since morning. Maybe Pax is right. I should rest a little. I
position my head to rest on the back of my seat. I close my eyes reluctantly, and hope that this is all just
a dream and I pray that I am really in the car with Pax.
37
Chapter 5
I can’t see from one eye. That fucker swell it shut. He thinks he got away with beating me and taking
away that whore sister of mine. Such a fucking disgrace. But I’ll show him.
I lean my back on the brick wall behind me and I inhale deeply to gather some strength. I smell pee and
rotten food and almost throw my lunch out of my mouth and nose.
I still can’t believe I saw her. That little bitch has grown. Dad and Tim will praise me for the rest of my life
for this. I smile victoriously. I’ll need to call them and get them here and we’ll find her. Oh, we’ll find her
and that sucker, even if we have to search every inch of Bronx to do so.
I slowly get up and my knee shakes. I have to give it to him. That dick can hit like a motherfucker. We’ll
see how tough he is when I have my barrel pointed at his face. I grin at myself again. I truly am a sick
bastard.
I need to get to a telephone because mine is broken in my pocket but the second I step out of the alley, I
see her grey hair across the street and I step back immediately. I drop down on my knees and look at
her, careful enough so she doesn’t see me. She’s looking over here with those eyes that are green like
the devil’s. She looks scared. My favorite look of her face. She hasn’t changed much. She looks older
somehow but the same.
I see the man who beat me and I have the urge to run over and kick him in the chin. I know I won't make
it out alive or without cuffs around my wrists if I do so, so I stay put and watch. They get into a nice blue
Mustang and he puts the car in drive. I can almost see my sister’s eyes looking back over here through
the car’s back window.
I check the plates. California. She’s going to fucking California! Dad’s gonna be fucking mad.
I check the plates on the car again and I quickly memorize the numbers and letters. Being friends with a
Sheriff does have its advantages.
But don’t worry little sis’. I will find you. And when I do, you will wish you were never born.
The road lies empty in front of me. We just passed East Orange and she’s sleeping soundly with her face
against the window. I can’t keep my eyes from looking at her bruised cheek every few minutes. And
every time I do, I feel like fire is burning inside of me and I just want to fucking rip that man off with my
bare hands. I barely hold myself from turning the car back and finding him. I want to kill him like I’ve
38
never wanted to kill anyone before. I’m just glad I thought to turn and apologize. Why I did so is still a
mystery to me. I never apologized to chicks before.
“No… I didn’t. I s-s-swear…” She says for the fourth time since she fell asleep. I can’t wait to find a motel
and stop. She needs a good sleep. My phone beeps and I look down. I keep it in between my thighs like I
do every time I’m driving.
It’s Jenny. She says she’s horny and can’t wait for me to get back. I turn the phone off and I look at the
girl again. What the hell is wrong with me?
Normally, I would’ve been hard by now if one of the girls sent me a text like that. I wouldn’t feel
disgusted and completely out of it like I do now. But I don’t feel like being with a girl right now. Except
with her. There’s just something about her.
I don’t know whether to believe in her words or not. She sounds so sincere and just so fragile that it
makes me want to say fuck you to the world and keep her close to me. She said that the man was her
brother. If she hadn’t stopped me, I would’ve definitely killed him. I wanted to. Every cell in my body
wanted to when I saw his slap the girl on the face and then prepare to beat her with his belt! Sick
motherfucker. I should’ve fucking killed him!
“No, no… I swear, I didn’t. He’s lying. Father, I swear… please don’t.” The girl cries. Everything inside me
aches. I don’t know why but I feel like shit.
Every doubt I had in me vanishes when I see her crying. She is sleeping and begging and crying. I have
the urge to wake her up but she gets quiet the next second and I don’t have the heart to. I’ll wait until
we get to a motel.
Like it’s not enough that Nick did it again. Goddamn that prick! I wish I could be stronger when it came
to my sister’s pleadings.
I turn up the volume of the radio just a little bit. I need distractions. Then again, what the hell was I
thinking, bringing this girl with me?! She seems to have enough on her plate already without me adding
to her troubles! And I can’t afford to look out for someone! Not now.
I turn to look at her sleeping face with anger. The same anger that disappears as if its switch turned off
the second I lay my eyes on her. She looks like a fucking angel. She’s so beautiful, it makes my insides
clench every time I look at her. I want to protect her against the world, every time I look at her.
I laugh silently. What a selfish bastard I am, dragging her into my mess. And dragging myself into hers.
If I make it to California without going insane from my own thoughts, I’ll throw a fucking party.
39
Someone nudges my arm. Panic wraps around my throat like a glove before I open my eyes.
“No, I’m awake! I’m awake!” I quickly say and I try to stand up. I can’t. Instead I bang my head on
something hard.
“Cristina, it’s okay.” Someone calls and I take a second to think about where I am. I look to my side and
see Pax’s concerned face in front of me. I sigh. I had been almost sure that it was Travis or Timothy
waking me. I thought I overslept and now, my whole body is shaking. God knows what it would be like if
I had really overslept back home.
“Hey, I just got us motel rooms. Let’s go.” Pax says and holds his hand out for me to take it. I look around
in confusion. It’s dark outside. The car is parked in front of a wide building with a sign that says ‘Motel’
with red lights that go on and off every second. I shake my head. “I’m okay here.” I tell Pax. He can go
sleep in a room. I can’t afford a room.
“No, you’re not. Come on. I got us separated rooms if you’re worried about that.” Pax says with a smile,
trying to joke. I really do appreciate it.
“I can’t. I don’t need to. I’ll just sleep in the car.” I tell him again.
“No. You need a bed to rest for the night.” He insists.
“I don’t. I really don’t.” I tell him smiling because I don’t. Anywhere is fine with me. I have slept half of
my life on a cold floor so I am used to it. I don’t mind.
But Pax won’t hear it. He takes my hand in his and I think electricity shoots through my body. He gets me
out of the car and I crush into his chest. His body is so strong. I feel so little in his arms. I like it here.
Pax takes my shoulders in his hands and he looks at me, probably to see if I am freaking out again. It’s
okay, though. Everyone always saw me as a freak. Nothing new there.
“Let’s go.” He tells me and he keeps my hand in his while we walk to a set of metal stairs that cling
annoyingly with every step we take. A long, narrow corridor is in front of us with the road on one side
and with many doors on the other. Pax looks at the numbers carved in the reddish brown doors until he
stops before number 16. He opens the door with his key and he pulls me inside.
The room is small but looks clean. Better than the apartment I lived in. God knows how much it must
cost. I know I can’t stay. I pull my hand from Pax’s grip, shaking my head.
“I can’t stay here.” I tell him again in a whisper. He throws my bag on the bed and looks at me in
confusion.
40
“Why not?” He asks.
“I can’t afford it.” I say. There.
He smiles and even laughs a little but not in a cynical or mocking way. He comes close to me and grabs
my shoulders again.
“I can afford it. I got this. I told you I would get you to California and I will. On my conditions. And you’re
sleeping here tonight. You’re not paying for anything until we get there.” He tells me with his brows
raised like he means it.
I really don’t understand. Why would he spend money on me? He doesn’t even know me.
“I can’t accept this.” I tell him and I try to step back but he doesn’t let me.
“Yes, you can. And you will. I will be right next to you, in the next room. The walls are thin so if you need
anything, just call my name and I’ll be here, okay?” He says like it’s a done deal.
I want to tell him that even though I only have around two hundred dollars in my pocket and once again
running away from my brothers and father doesn’t mean that I want his pity. Or money. I don’t want it.
But he turns around immediately and goes to the door.
“Good night, Cristina.” He whispers and he closes the door.
I stay like that, looking around at the bed and the nightstand and the carpet that looks really soft, for
more than a few minutes. The bed looks really good, even though I could’ve slept on the floor. I wait and
hope that maybe he changes his mind. I really don’t want to take advantage of his kindness. But he
doesn’t and so I lock the door to my room and I unzip my bag. I have a wide shirt and men’s shorts that I
always use for sleeping. They are comfortable. I look at the door on the left side of the room and I hope
it is a bathroom. I take my brush and some clean underwear and I open the door.
Bathroom. Clean, white bathroom. It even has a shower in it. I try the water. It works, and it’s hot. I get
off my clothes in a rush, as if I am sure that if I don’t hurry, the bathroom and the small shower are
going to disappear. I get inside and I let the water wash my face. I feel like it’s swollen even though I
didn’t check it in the mirror that is above the sink. I don’t like to look at myself in the mirror that often.
I stay in the shower for longer than I ever have. I feel like it’s washing away all the hours of the passing
day. I thank Pax mentally for this. And then I think, I should thank him personally. I haven’t even thanked
him for saving my life in Bronx. Maybe I really am ungrateful, just like father said.
I quickly get out of the shower and I find a clean, dry towel. I dry my skin and wear my sleeping clothes
and after I quickly brush my messy curls and wash my teeth, I open the door and look outside.
The night is perfect. Silent. It holds promises of a quiet life. I inhale the cold air and let it fill my lungs like
they’re new. There are many stars in the dark, almost black sky. I feel like they are winking at me and
they make me smile. I think of Pax again. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve been tied in the farmhouse by
41
now, I’m sure. So I breathe deeply again and I step in front of the door on my right. I knock once,
because I’m afraid that he is already asleep and I’ll wake him. I feel anxious. I should’ve waited until
morning. He’s probably tired…
The door opens and Pax stands in front of me.
He is wearing nothing but black boxer shorts. His chest looks like it has been painted by Picasso himself.
His arms look strong and curvy and his stomach ripped with six square abs that make something warm
build up inside of me. A V like shape takes place right under his stomach and goes down underneath the
band of his shorts. My knees feel week.
“Cristina, is everything okay?” He asks, stepping out into the light of the moon. I feel like he is literally
shinning. I have never seen a more beautiful human being before. He looks surreal.
“Yes.” I whisper as I struggle to find my voice and remember what I am doing here.
“Oh.” He breaths and then he looks down at me. He looks at the wide grey shirt and my shorts and he is
probably thinking ‘poor little girl’ to himself. His eyes grow wide when he finally reaches my face and
looks at my dripping wet hair.
“I…” I say because the silence is very awkward. “I just wanted to…” I try again. I should’ve definitely left
it for the morning.
“Yeah?” He whispers and takes another step toward me. Now he is too close. I can’t think straight. His
mouth is hanging slightly opened and his eyes are pouring hot chocolate into mine.
Focus. I tell myself in my head and I look down, finally breaking eye contact.
“I wanted to thank you for… everything. You saved my life back there and then the room is really…
great. It has a shower in it. And the car…” Now I’m babbling. I have never felt like this before. I can’t
form a coherent thought. I should just let it go.
“Thank you. And I’m sorry if I woke you.” I tell him and I feel like running back to my room. He grabs my
arm before I make it to my door and makes my heart skip a beat.
“You didn’t wake me. And you’re very welcome.” He tells me with a big grin on his face that makes me
smile, too, for no reason. I nod and he lets go of me, making the place where his skin touched mine grow
cold in a second. I nod and I remember to go back to my room.
“Good night.” I tell him before I close the door, and I hear him whisper: “Sweet dreams.”
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My eyes feel heavy but I can feel the sun on my face. Strange. The sun is never on my face in the
morning. I slowly open my lids to see that I am not in my room. I have a white wall with a big window
that has yellow curtains in front of it. And the sun is definitely on my face.
And then I remember. I am in a motel room. I try to move but I can’t. Something has me pinned to the
bed. I feel something hot and moving against my back. Against all of me. I panic. An arm is lying around
my waist. A man’s arm.
I jump on my feet and I scream with my heart on my throat. My muscles spasm and my body feels
heavy.
“Cristina… no Cristina, it’s me!” Pax says, getting up on his knees on the bed. His eyes are wide and his
hands are shaking. I have reached the wall with my back and I have nowhere to go but I stop screaming.
I look at him in horror. I should’ve never trusted him. What has he done to me?!
I look down at my body and I am all dressed up just like I was when I went to sleep. I remember going to
his door and saying thank you. I should’ve never trusted him. Oh, God, what has he done to me?
Pax drops from the bed on his feet and comes toward me. He’s wearing nothing but his black shorts, just
like last night. I try to move away but there’s nowhere I can go.
“Cristina, relax, please! It’s just me.” He says holding his hands in front of him.
“What are you doing here? What have you done?” I ask him in a shaking voice and I hate it that I can
feel the tears coming from my eyes.
“What? No! No, I didn’t do anything to you! Cristina, I would never… You were having a nightmare and
you were screaming. I heard you and I came to check. I only sat next to you to help you relax and calm
down so you could go back to sleep, I… wouldn’t…” He says and he looks as panicked as I feel. But I don’t
trust him.
“I wasn’t having a nightmare.” I told him. I would’ve remembered if I had.
“You were screaming. In your sleep, you were screaming like mad, Cristina!” He cries. “I just sat there
and held your hand until you stopped screaming and I don’t remember but I must’ve fallen asleep while
I waited but I swear to you I didn’t do anything to you.”
My mind is screaming at me but my body strangely relaxes. It’s like my cells have their own minds and
they believe his words and my heart is already slowing down the beating. But I know that I don’t scream
in my sleep. I don’t talk in my sleep. I stay silent, even when I am sleeping. He is lying.
“I’m going to leave now.” I tell him and my voice keeps breaking and shaking as I slowly move away to
the side.
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“No, Cristina, please! I swear to you, I didn’t do anything. You have to believe me. I just thought
something happened when I heard you scream! That’s why I came. I heard you talk in your sleep in the
car but you didn’t scream there…”
“I don’t talk in my sleep.” I tell him and I am glad that my voice sounds a little stronger now.
“Yes, you do. You talk in your sleep. You talked in the car.” He says and his voice is filled with sadness so
much so that I feel I must’ve completely lost my mind. Men don’t feel sad. The men I knew never did.
I look down at my body again. My clothes are still there. I am tempted to believe him. I want to believe
him.
“You didn’t… do anything…” I start to ask him against my reason and jump in place when he comes in
front of me and grabs my arms.
“No. I didn’t. I promise. I would never do anything like that.” He says and it sounds more like a pleading
than like a statement. I grab my shorts in my fists and I try to reason with myself. He really seems
sincere and it confuses me because he has me believing in something my experience tells me not to. I
never knew I talked in my sleep. I never knew I screamed. Sunny mentioned a couple of times that she
heard someone screaming during the night but I just assumed that it was the neighbors. I still don’t
know if I completely believe him but then again, he has been nothing but nice to me this whole time. He
deserves the benefit of a doubt.
He does, right? I try to ask my own self. I get no answer. What am I doing? I nod.
He sighs in relief before he puts his arms around me and hugs me to him. I stop breathing. My heart
stops beating. I am being hugged. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been hugged before! Well, once
from our History professor when she quit her job to go and get married. She hugged everyone in our
class and it was as awkward as it is now. Except now, my cheek is against his chest that is hard and it
feels like silk. My hands are loose on my sides. I don’t know what to do with them. He keeps me tight
against his strong body and I just stand there. After a few seconds I close my eyes. My head is messed up
with all kinds of thoughts. But I do understand one of them. I like to be hugged, apparently. I think a
smile is playing on my lips right now but I can’t be sure.
Suddenly, he lets me go and takes a step back. He looks confused and surprised as he looks at me.
“I’m… sorry.” I say because it wasn’t fair to yell at him like that. I believe him.
“Don’t be. You have every right to think what you thought when you saw me in your bed. I understand
your panic.” He tells me smiling and shaking his head. He really is very easy going. And that gives me
hope, which is dangerous for me. I shouldn’t allow myself to hope. But I do and it is shown clearly by the
next words that come out of my mouth.
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“I will buy breakfast.” I say and he looks at me surprised for just a second. Then, his beautiful face breaks
into a huge smile. Without warning, that makes me smile, too. I don’t smile this often. But he nods and
heads for the door.
“I’m starving. Be ready in ten.” And he closes the door, leaving me very hot in my place. I am sure that
my cheeks are red because I have a virus that breaths fire in my veins. I feel almost like it’s Thursday. If a
hug can make me feel like this, I won’t have to smoke pot ever again in my life.
I look around and my eyes find my bag. I hesitate. Do I really want to go with him after this?
Well, yeah, I do, but is that the right thing to do? Damn second thoughts. And damn my family.
I quickly get dressed in my worn, faded jeans and a green t-shirt, and I am zipping my bag when the door
knocks. I know it’s Pax so I take my bag and I open it. Sure enough, he stands in front of me, smiling. He
is wearing a white shirt and jean shorts that make him look even younger. I like how white looks on him.
I take a deep breath and I take a step toward him.
“Ready?” He asks and I nod, walking all the way out of the room. I take one look back at it and I feel a
little sad to leave. It has been the best room I have ever lived in and I will always remember it. But I
smile because I actually feel something, like characters do in the books. That’s a good thing.
I follow Pax down the stairs and to his car.
“There’s a diner not far from here. They serve the best pancakes.” He says and he looks lighter
somehow. More alive. It suits him. He drops his bag that I hadn’t seen before on the back. It is military
green and almost the same size as mine. I do the same and then go for the passenger door but Pax is
suddenly next to me and he opens it. He waits until I am seated inside, closes the door and jogs around
the car. I watch him jump up and down and a laugh bubbles inside of me.
He jumps in and starts the car, smiling all the while for no reason. Then, he turns his radio on.
“Music?” He asks and I nod. Music is nice.
“Any favorite singer? Or band?” He asks and I shrug. I didn’t listen to a lot of music but I do love one
band.
“Yeah.” I say but I don’t tell him which because I know he probably is going to hate it. People my age
don’t listen to that old music anymore.
“Which one?” He asks and like every other time, his every question just draws the answer out of me.
“Guns n’Roses.” I tell him and I expect a laugh. Instead, I get a ‘huh!’. I look at him.
“What?” I ask, surprised by his reaction.
“Nothing. Just that girls your age don’t listen to the Guns. They usually like that crazy shit that people
like Nicky Minaj or Lady Gaga make.” He says.
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“I know.” I tell him, nodding. He smiles and looks at me for a second before he returns to the road and
with his free hand, works something on his radio.
“Cristina, listen…” He moves his hand away abruptly and turns to look at me for a second. “About this
morning. You were right to think… and I just want to say that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come to your
room like that.” He says and struggles with every word like he’s afraid of what they might sound like.
I just nod because he is right and I do appreciate his honesty, very much.
“So, are we good?” He asks, raising his brows. I don’t know what ‘good’ exactly means but if he’s asking
me if I trust him, then I do.
“We’re… good.” I say, awkwardly. But he doesn’t seem to think I’m a freak, no matter how awkward I
behave or speak. He smiles and nods, and continues like nothing happened. But something occurs to me
and I ask before he can speak.
“Why did you… how did you find me when Travis…” I start to say but I can’t complete the sentence. I
don’t know why but it’s hard to say ‘when Travis beat me in the alley’ to him. But I’ve been wondering
how he found me yesterday.
“After I left the diner where you worked, I felt like shit. The man you saw me with is a completely
different story and I could see that you were afraid of me. I thought about letting it go but I couldn’t.”
He says with a shrug like he doesn’t understand it, either. “So I thought I’d come back to the diner and
explain it to you. And then I saw you running and I saw him following you. I ran after both of you and
well, you know the rest.” He finishes and I can see how he grips the steering wheel more tightly, just like
every time he starts to get angry. I nod and look up at the sky from my window. I wonder who it was
that sent him after me. Was it an angel, or maybe even God? I don’t know but I am very thankful.
“Favorite song?” He asks me raising a brow. I nod, following his unspoken advice to take things easily,
forget about how I got here and I am thrilled with anticipation of hearing the song.
“Since I don’t have you.” I tell him and he laughs a short laugh. He presses another button on his radio
and sure enough, the song starts to play.
Goosebumps cover my arms. I remember listening to the song, hidden behind the pieces of wood in the
back yard. My father and his best friend, Sheriff Wilson are having a beer and sitting in two handmade
recliners. The old radio stands in between them and this song is playing. I shiver when I hear the words. I
am glad that my other memories haven’t contaminated this one.
Pax taps his fingers to the steering wheel and moves his mouth to the words. I know them by memory,
too. Then he slowly starts to sing along, only whispering.
He turns to look at me as if to ask if it’s okay and the picture of his face singing to Axl is just funny. So I
smile widely and I listen to him sing. My lips move, too, to the words.
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“Come on! Sing with me!” Pax yells because the music is too loud in the car. I start to shake my head but
then, it’s just me and him in the car. My father will definitely not hear me. And I know the words. My
voice is terrible… I should sing.
Just like that, with a small push of a whisper inside my head, I start.
“Iiii… don’t have… fond desires… And Iiiii don’t have… happy hours…” But that’s as far as I go. I break
down and I laugh. It seems like a life time ago since the last time I laughed. In fact, I don’t remember the
last time I laughed. I sound terrible! Pax starts laughing too and I put my hands in front of my face
shaking my head.
“Wow!” He yells and then turns the volume down a little.
“I know! I’m terrible.” I say against my palms.
“No, I’ve heard worse. I just didn’t really believe that you would know the song.” He says and then he
laughs again. His words confuse me a little. Why would I lie? But the song keeps playing and my feet are
tapping the floor underneath them so I keep on going with it.
Next, we listen to Patience and then another one of my favorites, 14 years. And every single time, Pax
was surprised when I sang to the songs. I don’t know why but I didn’t ask.
But the music stops when we come near the diner Pax told me about. It is a really big place, twice as big
as Freddy’s. Another shot of guilt stabs me at the thought of my life back in Bronx. Not that I had
anything worth staying for there, but I should’ve at least told Saw. And Bo. They were really nice to me.
Who knows if I’ll ever see them again.
We walk inside to find only a few people, old people, sitting on the tables. Pax walks ahead and sits on
the last table of the row on the left. I follow him as I look around at the place and at the big, floor to
ceiling windows. The floor is paved in white and greenish blue tiles. They, too, have a round big clock
above the counter just like at Freddy’s. The seats are round and covered in dark brown leather. I sit
across from Pax and he grins at me, again, for no reason.
The waitress comes over immediately.
“Long time no see, Six Pax.” She says to Pax with a wink, surprising me. I didn’t know she knew him. But
she leans over to Pax’s ear and she whispers: “I missed you, big boy.” And she winks again.
She’s very tall and has a very pretty face. Her hair is black and long and her eyes baby blue. Her lips are
painted in a dark plum and her cheeks are too red, but she still looks very pretty. I don’t even know why
my mouth is hanging open when I look at Pax and see him looking at me. The look on his face tells me he
is feeling uncomfortable.
“Hey, Gia. How are you?” He says to the waitress. She finally notices that I am there and gives me a look
of clear disgust.
47
“Who’s this?” She says, playing with a sting of black hair between her fingers.
“This is Cristina. Cristina this is Gia. She’s a friend.” Pax introduces us and the waitress- Gia, laughs.
“Friend!” She repeats and laughs again. “Always so funny and modest.” She goes on.
“Gia, we’ll take pancakes.” Pax says and I can tell that he is starting to get angry. I can hear it in his voice.
“Now, now, Paxy. Don’t you wanna reminisce, say, in the back?” She says pushing her pen around her
hair and pointing on the wall next to her with her eyes, and winking.
“No.” Pax says lowly. I never heard him speak like that but I am too busy trying to figure why I feel sick
after every word that comes out of Gia’s mouth.
“I’m here to get pancakes. Then I’ll be gone.” Pax tells her and he looks at her with an ‘I’m not kidding’
look. Gia’s perfect eyebrows shot up. She is surprised, clearly. This isn’t Pax’s usual behavior, I can tell.
And I am interrupting.
I stand up. “I’ll just wait in the car.” I say and I want to leave but Pax grabs my wrist.
“No, you’re staying. Gia is leaving to get the pancakes.” He says while his eyes hold Gia’s.
“Oh, I see. You got a girlfriend now and you’re cutting me off!” She yells. She looks incredulous at Pax
with her hands on her narrow hips, as if waiting for him to say something. When he doesn’t, she
mumbles “jerk” before she turns on her heels and leaves us.
“Sorry about that. Just sit.” Pax says and the anger has disappeared from his face again.
“I don’t mind. Really, I can wait in the car while you…” Reminisce. I want to say but I don’t. Pax shakes
his head.
“No. I don’t want you to wait in the car. We’ll eat and then we’ll go to the car together.” He says and his
face tell me he doesn’t want to argue. The chocolate in his eyes has a little darker shade now.
“Okay.” I say and I sit back down. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want Gia to come back and talk to Pax
again. I don’t know what I am feeling but everything in me is telling me to hate Gia. To slap Gia and
curse Gia. I don’t like Gia.
I must be out of my fucking mind. I sigh loudly but the girl is sound asleep. She won’t hear a thing. I can’t
believe I turned down Gia. That woman is wild in bed – well, in the back of the car really - and I just sent
her to hell and I didn’t give a shit about it. I don’t know what it is about this girl.
48
The second I saw her wide eyes, and then when she stood up and said that she’d wait for me in the car,
something in me exploded. I wanted nothing more than to sit her down and just push Gia away, all
thoughts of her naked and above me, riding me, vanished. Left without a trace. No man in his right man
would ever say no to a woman like her. Let alone the kind of relationship I have – had with her. I fuck
her every time I come and go to New York and back to California, and that’s that. No phone calls, no
teary goodbyes.
I sigh again and I try to take control over my fingers that are tapping constantly on the leather of my
steering wheel.
She lets out a small moan. That’s enough to put all kinds of images in my mind. She’s so fragile and so
silent, so naïve that I fear I’ll break her if I grab her hard enough. But still, the perfect lines of her body
are no doubt the fantasy of many men. A feeling of something awfully a lot like jealousy creeps inside
me. I laugh dryly, just a little. I can’t even stand the thought of a man touching her! I should’ve killed the
bastard that beat her.
My phone vibrates in between my thighs. It’s the boys. They ask me where I am and why have I sent my
calls straight to voice mail. For a second there, I want to take a picture with my phone and send it to
them, to show them where and with who I am. That is certainly what I would’ve done if any other girl on
the planet had been in the car with me. But she’s not any other girl. She’s got issues, it’s plain to see. I
saw it yesterday when I heard her scream.
God, my heart was about to get out of my chest. I thought that he was beating her again. I had to kick
the door to get inside, only to find her alone with her arms crossed in front of her face like she was
hiding and she was screaming. A nightmare. She was having the worst kind of nightmares. I talked to her
and tried to wake her up but she wouldn’t open her eyes. I took her hand in mine and a few seconds
later, she stopped screaming but she didn’t let me go. I watched her sleep and once again was
mesmerized by her angelic face. I’ve known all kinds of girls and women my whole life. No one is that
naïve and innocent like this girl seems to be. But I don’t believe she’s acting. I slowly laid with my back
against the wall on her bed and I listened to her breath. She smells incredible, by the way. Like honey, if
honey smells this good.
A smile spreads across my face. And then, a goofy grin. My mind flies to the way she felt against me on
her bed. The way her body was pressed against mine… I think I’m starting to get hard. But the thing is, I
slept last night. I didn’t close my eyes and just roll in my bed like I usually do. I slept like I did when I was
in my senior year in high school. And she fit me like a fucking glove. To think she though I did something
to her! My God, I’d rather kill myself than let anyone hurt her. Her face when she thought that I took
advantage of her… I’ve never seen someone look so fucking adorable when they’re scared. A sick feeling
enveloped me when I saw her chin shiver. I’m such an ass.
My phone rings again. It’s dad. I curse silently. He has been calling me ever since I left New York. Will he
ever stop bothering me? Probably not. It’s in his blood. How I want to hate that man. I answer the
phone instead.
49
I hear a small whisper coming from my left side. I can’t believe I fell asleep again. I open my eyes and I
can clearly hear Pax’s voice. He’s talking to someone on the phone. He seems really upset. Why is he
whispering?
“I can’t talk, dad. No, I’m in the middle of something.” He says and my heart flutters. He’s talking to his
father. I never asked him if he has a father. I just assumed he was his own man. He just gives me that
impression. He seems stressed.
“For God’s sake dad, would you stop already?! I’m not doing anything illegal! No, I’m on my way.” He
says and I think his whisper-yelling.
“Christ, I don’t know when I’ll get there. I’ll get there when I get there!” Pax kept going.
“Don’t…” Sigh. “Bye, dad.” He says and he hangs up. He curses under his breath. He seems mad. I don’t
know if I should let him know that I am awake but if I stay one more minute in this position, my neck is
going to kill me the whole day. So I slowly start to sit up. I can’t turn to look at him. I feel like I have
invaded his privacy when I listened to his conversation.
“Hey, welcome back.” Pax says and his voice is completely transformed into the sweet man I know. I
slowly turn to look at him. He is smiling like nothing is wrong. I feel a little relieved.
“How long have I been sleeping?” I ask him, looking around to try and figure where we are.
“About an hour. You sure sleep a lot.” He says, grinning.
“I don’t. I swear, I never sleep this much. I don’t know why…” I quickly tell him.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m just kidding. Sleep all you like.” He tells me, laughing and shaking his head.
“No. I don’t want to sleep. I wish I could help you.” I tell him because I feel useless. I just sit and sleep
and eat and then sleep again. It’s unfair.
“You don’t have to.” Pax says winking at me and steering something up in my stomach. I smile a little
and I feel my cheeks getting red. I never blush…
“I would, if I knew how to drive.” I tell him, shrugging and looking away to my window.
“You don’t know how to drive?” Pax asks me, the surprise clear in his loud voice. I shake my head.
The car stops abruptly and I fly forward, ready to smash my already bruised face on the dashboard. But
Pax’s arm is faster and he puts it right in front of my shoulders, stopping me a hair away from touching
the dashboard with the tip of my nose.
50
I jerk back immediately, breathing heavily. Pax turns his face the other way and holds his fist in front of
his mouth. His body starts to shake and then I can hear him make weird, silent noises. He’s laughing!
Well, it was pretty funny. I almost disfigured my face completely. A giggle escapes me. Pax takes that as
a sign to let go. He starts laughing out loud and shaking his head.
“You… should’ve seen… your face…” He says and I can’t help but laugh, too. I can imagine what my face
looked like. I want to let go and laugh my heart out like he is doing but something stops me. I don’t
know what but I think it’s the fact that I never, usually, talk and laugh and just… hang with someone like
this. I like it but it’s just too new to me. I promise myself that I am going to get used to it.
“Oh… that was funny.” Pax says, finally stopping and shaking his head. “Come on.” He says and he gets
out of the car. I look around to see where he wants to go. There’s nothing on the sides of the road. Just
empty land with e few trees and bushes here and there. He comes to my door and opens it.
“Where are we going?” I ask him, confused.
“You’re driving.” He tells me and this time, I start to laugh a little. I don’t like how my laugh sounds. It’s
too restrained. I sound better when he is laughing too, so I stop.
“I just told you, I can’t drive.” I tell him again, raising my brows for extra effect.
“I know. You’re going to learn how. It’s really easy…” He starts to say but I stop him, shaking my head.
“No, no, no. I can’t. I don’t know how. I don’t want to kill you. You’ve been really nice to me.” I tell him
and the last words jump out of me without notice. I feel blood running to get to my cheeks again. He
looks at me with his chocolate eyes that look even lighter in contrast to the bright blue sky behind him.
“You’re not going to kill me. I won’t let you, trust me. You’re learning how to drive now.” He says and he
grabs my hand and pulls me out of the car. I quickly regain my balance and try to pull my hand away
from his but he already has me on the driver’s side.
“Get in.” He tells me. My eyes are wide and panic is slowly making its way into my body. I shake my head
and look at the steering wheel like it’s the devil itself.
“Come on, get in Cristina.” Pax pushes and hold the door open for me. I shake my head again. I think I’m
sweating a little.
“Okay, then we’ll stay here for the rest of the day.” Pax says and closes the door. He holds my eyes while
he leans against the car with his strong arms crossed against his chest. A ghost of a smile is playing on
his lips as he watches me. I think the chocolate in his eyes is melting faster and faster with every second
and it makes me want to look at it all day. I feel weird. I don’t know what to do. I am playing with my
finger nails like they are my worst enemy. I look around and try to distract myself. A few cars pas by but
Pax never moves from his place.
51
I can’t drive! I’ve never actually heard anyone explain how and I never paid much attention to Pax while
he did it. I am sure I will kill us both. That’d be nice for me but Pax? I couldn’t do that to him.
“Can we go now?” I tell him because the sun above us is making my eyes wrinkle and that usually gives
me a headache.
“Are you driving?” Pax asks me, raising a brow.
“I can’t drive. I’m going to crash.” I cry, desperate. I can’t believe he even trusts me enough to hand me
his car so easily.
“Look ahead. There’s no where you can crash even if you wanted to. And I’ll be there on the handbrake
at all times! Come on, it’ll be fun!” Pax says and he looks as excited as a little boy. He opens the door
again and waves his hands dramatically to show me the way inside.
“Fine.” I mumble and with my head down, I take small steps to the car. My heart is pounding by the time
he sits on the passenger seat. I look at the things in front of me and they look alien to my eyes. I don’t
know the first thing about cars.
“Okay, first you need to relax.” Pax tells me and even though I am nowhere near relaxing, I nod. I am
inside now so I might as well do it all the way through.
“Car driving, 101. You have to own the car and not let the car own you. You have to feel it like a living
thing beneath you and then you have to ride it slowly and carefully, until you know every inch of its
surface and exactly how far every edge goes.” Pax says in a low, dreamy voice, touching the dashboard
in front of him with the tips of his fingers.
“Is the car a woman?” I ask him because, from what I have read in books, guys talk with so much passion
about women. Pax looks at me for two seconds and then he starts laughing.
“Unbelievable!” He shouts and then laughs some more.
“I didn’t mean to…” I start to say but he doesn’t hear me. He is still laughing. I try my hands on the
steering wheel while I wait for his laughing to stop. The thing is so big that my hands get lost on it. I am
not sure I will be able to make it move.
“No, the car is definitely not a woman. You don’t hear me talk like that about women, trust me. It’s my
baby.” Pax says and slowly caresses the dashboard again like it really is a living thing. It’s amazing how
his eyes glitter when he looks at it, like it really is his baby. He really loves the car, I can tell.
“Are you sure you want to let me drive it then?” I ask and hope in secret that he changes his mind. I
should’ve known better than to trust I'd have some luck.
“Yup. You’re driving. Let’s start.” He says and then he points at the key in the ignition. My fingers start to
shake.
52
“First, you turn the car on. Don’t worry, it won’t go anywhere. I have the handbrake drawn, as you can
see.” Pax says and shows me the handbrake. I nod again and I grip the steering wheel tight with one
hand and I put the other on the key. I take a deep breath and I turn it. Nothing happens.
“Again.” Pax tells me and I turn it even more. The car roars to life and I jump back, startled. Pax laughs
again but I am too busy being scared to notice. All I notice is how the car, now that I am driving, feels
like a living beast under me.
“Okay, now adjust your seat. Here.” He says and presses something underneath my seat and it moves
forward. I can see much better now but I don’t dare make a sound.
“Can you see the pedals down there?” I nod. “The one on the left is the clutch. You need to keep it
pressed when you want to change gears. The one in the middle is the brake. You already know what that
does. And the one on the right is the gas. Okay?” He asks and he seems really, really concentrated. I
fight a smile that wants to come on my lips and bite my tongue.
“Now, the gear shift is in neutral position and before you switch it, you press the…”
“Clutch.” I say, remembering.
“Yes. The clutch.” He says, grinning.
“Should I put my seatbelt on or something?” I ask because that’s what I’ve seen people do in movies.
But Pax shakes his head.
“Nah. Not the first time, anyway. Now, press the clutch.” He says, pointing down at my feet and I do. It’s
really hard! People make it look so easy. “Now, you switch it to the first gear.” He points at the gear
switch. I slowly grab it in my hand and I feel like it’s much too big for my palm. But Pax looks at me with
excitement and I think to myself, why not try it. I push the gear forward. The car still doesn’t move. My
forehead is covered in sweat and I wipe it with the back of my palm.
“Great. You’re doing great. Now let go of the clutch, very slowly.” He tells me and I obey. I can see my
knees shake but I don’t let go.
“Put your right foot on the gas and push it lightly.” I look down and I see the gas pedal. I slowly put my
foot on it and I press. The car starts moving. I gasp and I push up to look more clearly at the road in front
of me. My hands are on the steering wheel, tightly enveloping the leather like its life. I can’t believe it.
My foot starts to shake and I lose control of it almost completely.
“Don’t stop pressing the gas pedal. Keep on going like this, don’t press it any harder.” Pax says and I nod,
gaining control over my foot again. I am breathing heavily and I feel like I’m dreaming. The car moves!
Slowly, but it moves. I keep the gas pressed and my eyes pinned on the road.
“It’s moving so slow.” I tell Pax because I’ve never once seen a car drive this slowly.
53
“That’s because you’re driving 15 kilometers per hour. When you want to go faster, you hold the clutch
again while you slowly let go of the gas. Then, you switch gear to second and then you can press more
on the gas. But let’s take it easy for now.” He tells me, speaking every word separately to help me
understand more clearly. I nod again and I keep my face frozen straight. I see cars coming and going on
both my sides and my heart pounds every time they are close to me. But no one hits me.
I don’t realize I’m smiling until Pax says: “See? I told you it’d be fun!”
And then he opens the window on his side and gets out until he is sitting on the door. Only his legs are
inside the car. He’s going to fall... I hear him screaming something that sounds like ‘yeehaaw’ and then
he laughs.
“Get in.” I call. I can’t take my eyes off the road. What if I lose direction and we crash? Where would we
crash? There really isn’t anything around. But still…
Pax keeps screaming and laughing.
“I didn’t realize driving slow can be this much fun!” He says and he keeps on yelling. I can’t take it
anymore. I feel like I am about to faint. His foot slips a little on the leather seat and I lose it.
“Pax! Get inside, now!” I yell with all my voice. My hands are shaking. Pax stops laughing. The next
second, he crawls back in his seat from the window. He has a dumbfounded look on his face and a weird
half smile. I know I messed it up. I shouldn’t have yelled at him like that.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.” I tell him and I keep my eyes on the road without daring to look at him.
“No, it’s okay. It’s just that… that’s the first time you’ve said my name.” He says and now he is genuinely
smiling and looking at me with a pleased expression.
“Oh.” I say because I didn’t realize it before. I say his name in my mind at all times so I didn’t notice that
I never spoke it out loud. But I can feel his eyes on my face now. It makes me feel even hotter than I
already am. I feel like I’m being pierced by a million needles all over my skin. In a good way. My heart is
calming down eventually and I figure again, why not try it? I need to distract him, anyway. I don’t know
how much longer I can take his eyes on me without covering my face. And that would be a bad idea
since I am driving.
I push the clutch and let go of the gas, slowly. Once I have my foot away, I push the gear on the second.
“What are you…” Pax says and I am glad I’ve finally distracted him.
I push on the gas.
A feeling of electricity washes over me as the car picks up the speed. I am going thirty miles per hour.
The windows are down and wind blows on my face, making me smile for no reason. The road looks a
little narrower now but I don’t care. I realize, I love to drive! I am driving!
54
“Wow! Go, Cristina!” Pax calls and his hand pulls out of the window and he slams the door from the
outside.
I start to laugh. My hands are wrapped tightly around the wheel but my body is a little more relaxed
now. I push the gas a little more and we move even faster! I can’t believe the feeling that the car gives
me. It’s like I’m flying!
“Don’t push on the gas any more without switching to the third gear!” Pax shouts and I can tell that he is
smiling.
“Again?!” I say surprised. But I don’t wait for him to answer me. I let go of the gas and repeat the
procedure before I press on it again.
Oh God! I’m going fifty miles per hour! I’m literally flying! I start to laugh again and this time, I also
scream merry sounds like Pax did when he went out the window. He laughs together with me and then
he turns the radio on. The next second, Sweet child o’ Mine starts playing and we both rock on our
chairs, up and down. I can’t believe that it never occurred to me that driving can be this much fun.
Adrenaline has my body hyperventilating.
I sing to the song together with Pax for a while. I wonder if I can make it go a little faster. I look down at
the gear switch when the song ends. Silence. And then a loud horn blows and I see a big truck come on
my left side form the side mirror. Instinct takes over and my hands move. I turn the car to the right and
we leave the asphalt. I can’t even scream from the shock. And then the car starts to spin on its place.
Once, twice… I’m going to be sick.
The car stops spinning. There’s dust all around us. I don’t dare look away from in front of me. I have my
hands on the wheel still. My mouth is hanging open, my heart is in my throat and I feel like I am
dissolving.
“Shit…” Pax says and makes me turn my head to look at him. He’s leaning on his chair with his hand on
the handbrake and breathing heavily, too. Then his eyes find mine and I can see them sparkle a little.
Then he starts to laugh. Again.
I feel like I want to cry but I also want to laugh. So I do neither. I just stay there and look at him have the
time of his life with my eyes wide and my mouth open.
55
“I promise, it was nothing. Quit saying sorry or I’ll make you drive again.” Pax says after the seventh time
I told him how sorry I am. I look at him and then down at my hands on my lap.
“What?” He asks and I move my eyes to look outside the window. “You want to drive again?” He asks,
incredulous. I don’t nod but he can tell that I would.
Of course I would! I never felt more alive than when I was going fifty miles per hour! And if it wasn’t for
that truck, I would’ve still been sitting on the driver’s seat.
“Aren’t you like, scared or traumatized or something?” He asks and I shake my head. I’m not scared or
traumatized. Well, maybe from other things but not driving. “ But… won’t you think about it every time
you drive a car again?” He asks again, the confusion clear in his voice. And that confuses me even more.
I shake my head again.
“But… but…” He tries to go again but I stop him.
“Do you want me to be scared and traumatized and never think about driving again?” I ask calmly.
Because I can say yes, if that’s what he wants to hear.
“No. Of course not. But I mean, girls do this… about everything. I mean, the girls I know…” He starts to
mumble. I can tell he is nervous.
“Well, I’m not. I can’t wait to drive again.” I say and I restrain myself before I can blurt out ‘Shit
happens’. It was on my mind a second ago. But he nods and gives me a heartwarming smile. Really, my
heart actually feels warm when I see it. I look away in embarrassment immediately.
“Oaky. Cool. Okay.” He says and keeps on driving. The next second, I remember a Dream. Oh, God, I had
a Dream last night and I completely forgot to write it down in the morning! I can feel the details slipping
from my head. I stand on my knees in my seat and I reach on the back for my bag. I try to hurry but my
hands aren’t working just like every time when I need to do something fast.
“What are you doing?” Pax asks me but I don’t answer. I finally unzip the bag and I push my hands
inside, looking for my pen and for a piece of paper. I find one that is empty on the back side.
I struggle to get back on my seat and I try to straighten up the wrinkled piece of paper with my hands.
“What’s that?” Pax asks again.
“A Dream.” I say and I put the paper on my knee and start to write down.
When I was a kid, my mom always used to tell me that I… The pen makes a small hole on the paper. I try
again, starting from a little further. … will become a police officer when I grow up. And a heartbreaker.
She got that last one right. And the first one, almost. Being a cop isn’t all that bad but being a detective
sure beats working in a big room full of people in… My pen pierces the paper again. I continue a little
further, … uniforms, talking and yelling and throwing stuff all over the place. Plus, the ladies think being
a detective is sex… Again!
56
“Hey, hold on.” Pax says, recognizing my impatience and he opens the glove box. He searches with his
hand while keeping his eyes on the road and his elbow keeps pressing against my thigh. I feel my mouth
go dry again. But he leans away and sits straight, handing me a notepad. A small, lovely note pad with
yellow pages and straight lines to write on. My faces smiles brightly.
“I… thank you.” I say, blushing a little.
“Yeah, no problem. I’ve had that since forever. Never used it.” Pax says like it’s no big deal. And it
probably isn’t for him. But he can’t imagine how much it means to me that he gives me his things
without a second thought. No one ever gave me anything. And a notepad! I love notepads. When I find a
nice job, I’m going to spend all my money in notebooks and pens, and write all day long.
But before I start to forget, I copy the text I have written in the now pierced piece of paper, on the new
notepad and I continue.
…sexy. At least, that’s what the hot girl on the bar staring at me thinks. I wink at her. Yup, it’s written all
over her face. I raise my glass of Jack Daniels at her and I mouth ‘Cheers’. She giggles and plays with her
long auburn hair. Wait… yeah, extensions. Nothing worse than fake hair on a woman’s head. But she’ll
have to do. I’m celebrating a job well done and there’s nothing, not even a bottle of Jack Daniels on my
table that beats good sex. I stand up from the corner of the bar and I straighten my slightly wrinkled
pants. She knows I’m going…
“What are you writing?” Pax asks me, snapping me out of my imaginative word. Damn. I could clearly
see the place in my head.
“I, um… nothing.” I say and I tear the piece of paper from the pad. I look at it with longing and I promise
myself that one day I will have all the notebooks in the world and finish all of my stories. But for now, I
tuck the piece of paper on my bag again and I zip it.
“That wasn’t nothing. Come on, tell me.” Pax coaxes me, smiling a perfect smile that moves the
chocolate on his eyes a little.
“It’s, um… really, nothing.” I say. Because that’s what it is. At least for now. It will be something, maybe,
when I finish the story. I get excited by just thinking about finishing a story. I will laugh and cry at the
same time that day.
“Okay.” He says, nodding. The curiosity is clear in his face but I am glad he lets it go. Thankful, even. He
turns the volume of the music up and we just listen and hum to ourselves for a while.
“So, you’re from Wisconsin, right?” Pax asks me suddenly.
“Yes.” I say but I don’t give details. I don’t want to think about details.
“And when did you move to Bronx?” He says and without meaning to, he puts all kinds of images in my
head.
57
“A little over a year ago.” Exactly on the 2nd of May. But I don’t tell him that.
“Alone?” He keeps asking. I nod.
“Without your brothers and father?” Pax continues and the view in front of me starts to spin a little. I
don’t like it that it still hurts to remember. I should’ve gotten over with it long ago.
“Yes. I ran away.” I tell him, almost unwillingly.
“Did they… did your father and brothers…” He starts again and I can hear the anger in his voice. He
doesn’t know how to ask me. Probably because he is feeling sorry for me. I want to tell him not to, but it
never worked in the past. I don’t need sorry. I have the life that was meant for me and that’s that. So I
tell him.
“Yes. They did.” I say, knowing what he wants but can’t seem to ask, for some reason.
His hand slams on the steering wheel hard. I can hear the sound of his teeth clenching but I don’t turn to
look at him. I wasn’t expecting this kind of reaction.
“You should’ve let me kill him.” He says in a low voice like he’s trying to keep himself from yelling.
“He’s my brother.”
“At least press charges!” He cries and it almost sounds like a pleading.
“He’s my brother.” I tell him again.
“God! Who cares if he’s your brother?!”
“I do…”
“They beat the shit out of you and you want to just let them get away with it?!” He starts yelling now. I
keep my eyes on the road. There’s nothing I can say.
“God, Cristina! You are the most naïve person I have ever met in my life!” Pax cries and his voice tells me
he has surrendered. I have been called naïve before, and not once. I never expected him to care enough
to get angry about my family beating me, but it was appreciated. Still, there’s nothing he can do. There’s
nothing I can do. I won’t ever press charges.
Pax sighs loudly but we don’t say anything anymore. I let my mind wonder to my stories. I think about
what it would have been like if I lived one of those lives. I wonder, how would I feel? And just like the
million other times I have asked myself that, I come up with the same answer. I don’t know.
Pax’s phone keeps on vibrating. I don’t know where he keeps it because I can never see it but I think it’s
coming from his seat. He never answers. I feel like I shouldn’t be here again, like I'm invading his privacy.
But he is visibly more relaxed now so I guess it’s okay.
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My left toe is itching like hell. I wish I could stop and scratch the shit out of it with my nails. But I’m too
angry to stop. I look at her with the corner of my eyes. I feel like a major dickhead for yelling at her. But I
really am impressed. I thought she was going to burst into tears when I shouted. She didn’t even flinch.
I’ve definitely not seen that before. Something tells me she’s used to yelling. And that something tells
me that I should’ve killed her brother and then move on to her other brother and then her father. How
can they beat something so… pure?
Sure, I beat people. And for money, no less! But those people deserve it, mostly, and they get in it with
their own free will. But her… she’s just too damn soft to be yelled at or hit. Another scenario appears on
my mind where I get the chance to fight her brothers and father inside a street fight circle. Boy, the fun
I’m heaving in my head right now, beating the shit out of their featureless faces. I can even see her in
the background in the crowd and she’s smiling at me. Her impossibly green, emerald like eyes are calling
to me. My God, but she’s so beautiful. Not just hot, - even though she definitely is, but beautiful, too.
I’m turning into a fucking pussy. Dad calls again and my phone vibrates under my thighs. It’s the fourth
time since I woke up. He just won’t hear. I wish mom would call to check on me and not spend her
whole day drinking those goddamn margaritas.
I see her fingers tap on her knee. I can tell she’s thinking about something. She has her cheek pressed
against the window and her eyes are looking outside but never moving while everything passes them by.
I itch to ask her what she’s thinking about but I don’t. I’ve been dick enough for one day. I wonder what
she writes in the pieces of paper she has on her bag…
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Chapter 6
The car starts to slow down. We’re in the middle of a city, somewhere. I thought I read Chicago but I
can’t be sure. I was too lost in my thoughts, where strangely, I kept seeing Pax’s face all over one of my
stories.
“Where are we?” I ask, stretching my arms a little. I hadn’t moved an inch from my place for the last
hour.
“Springfield, Chicago. I went a little astray but I just had to show you the best ice cream in the world.”
Pax says and as excited as he is, he looks like a little boy who… well, was going to go get some ice cream.
My stomach shook a little. I’m not really hungry and I do love ice cream but I have no idea what those
things cost. Pax gets out of the car and comes around to open the door while I stare at him from under
my lashes. I’m embarrassed.
“Come.” He says, giving me his hand. I reluctantly take it but as soon as my skin touches his, a blush
appears on my cheeks. I feel little tingles of electricity wash all over me in a very sweet way. I pull my
hand away as casually as I can when I get out of the car. I don’t want him to think I’m a freak… Wow. I
really don’t want him to think I’m a freak. Why? No idea, but I never cared before, that’s for sure.
“I don’t…” I start to say but he stops me.
“Don’t tell me you don’t like ice cream!” He says, pouting. I giggle. He looks like one of those puppies
with large, brown eyes that make you want to give them your heart.
“I do.” I say and he smiles, pulling me behind him to cross the road. What the hell, I think. I don’t care
how much it costs. I’ll enjoy this with Pax.
He and his giant grin stop in front of very large glass walls. I don’t even get to read what the blue and
purple sign says because he opens the door and motions for me to follow.
The smell of the place is heavenly! It smells sweet and sour and flowery and just everything! The walls
are filled with pictures and pictures of all kinds of ice creams and cakes with every color and every form
imaginable. I’ve never seen something like this, something so sweet!
The floor is also laid with delicious looking pictures and there are many people inside. All ages.
“Let’s get some ice cream.” Pax says, nodding his head toward the counter where three girls were trying
their best to be as fast as possible to take every order thrown at them by the people in front. While we
wait in line, I try to take in everything I see around me. So many flavors!
“Hi.” Pax says and without even giving the girl a chance to greet him, he continues. “We’ll have two
chocolate chip ice creams, two fudge brownies, two nutty coconut ice creams and two watermelon
chips for now.” He says in almost one breath. Wow, he sure knows his business. Even the girl on the
other side of the counter is impressed. Her bright smile shows clearly how excited she is to serve a
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costumer who knows what he wants. Yeah, I know better, but I tell myself that because then, a feeling
I'm not very fond of starts to make me flush again.
“Will be right up.” The girl says, smiling still. She has a cute face and straight long hair caught in a pony
tail behind her blue baseball hat. Her blue eyes are smiling while she stares at Pax and gives him the
price. My stomach rotates. It’s too much! But Pax doesn’t seem to mind. He takes out his wallet and I
reach for my pocket. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to eat four ice creams but it’s too late to turn
back now.
“What are you doing?” Pax whispers to me when he sees my hand on my pocket.
“Paying?” I say and it comes out as a question from confusion.
“No, you’re not.” He tells me and then turns to the girl, who now has a nice shade of pink all over her
cheeks. I want to object but Pax keeps talking.
“And we’ll have a pralines and cream, plain chocolate and plain vanilla to go, once we’re done with the
first order.” He finishes.
The girl keeps smiling as she takes his money and she never leaves his eyes. But when I look at Pax, he’s
concentrated on the screen above the girl’s head that is showing how ice cream of a certain flavor is
made. He doesn’t even notice. I don’t know why I’m smiling.
We find a nice blue leathered table in the middle of the store. Kids keep laughing and screaming and
shouting at each other or at their parents. They run from here to there within seconds.
“I don’t think I can eat four ice creams.” I tell Pax once we take our seats and I start to feel embarrassed
again.
“Trust me, once you taste them, you’ll change your mind.” He tells me and winks. He is so carefree right
now. I had a hard time picturing Pax as a fun, opened and carefree kind of guy when I saw him in the
alley in Bronx with that man. I would’ve bet my life before I said this could happen. Good thing I was
high that day or I would’ve waited, watched and then talked to him.
“So, where are you from?” I ask him. I admit that I was starting to get curious. It is my right, technically,
since I am traveling in one car with him and sharing food he’s paying for.
“California. Born and raised.” He says not missing a beat.
“Last name?”
“Chase.” He says and starts grinning.
“How ol…” I try to go one but he stops me.
“What is this, 21 questions?” He says, raising his brows. I’m not sure if he’s kidding or not so I just look
at him.
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“Kidding.” He says, grinning. “23.”
I nod. I thought so.
“School?” I ask and it really starts to feel like an interview with a journalist. He keeps grinning and
doesn’t seem to mind.
“Business at Berkley.” He says, leaving me surprised for a second. “Graduated last year.” He tells me. It’s
not that he doesn’t look smart, because he does but from what I’d read, Berkley is pretty great.
I smile at him because I know he knows about my surprise at his confession. Again, he doesn’t seem to
mind.
“Now you. Last name?” He starts, eyeing me with suspicion like he knows I might not answer. I don’t. I
smile and I shake my head.
“I turn twenty in a few days. I’ve never gone to college and I didn’t finish high school.” I summon it up.
“You didn’t finish high school?” He asks, looking at me with a dumbfounded look on his face.
I sigh. I’m definitely not going to tell him that father thought it was a waste of time and money to take
me to high school right after my freshman year, because, according to him, I was ungrateful for asking to
go to the senior’s prom with Bethany. I should’ve known better than to ask when he was drunk. But by
the time he was sober again, what was done was done and my father never went back on his word.
Ever.
“I didn’t. But it’s okay.” I tell him and I smile, trying to make the gesture as sincere as I can. He keeps my
eyes for a while and I can see the sorry and sadness in his. Thankfully, he lets it go, nodding.
“Hobbies?” He continues.
The waitress comes to our table with a tray full of cartoon cups filled with colorful ice creams.
“Here you go.” She says, smiling shyly at Pax. Like I said, she’s just excited to serve a costumer who
knows what he wants. She doesn’t even see me. She empties the ice cream from the tray, leaving all of
it gathered in the middle of the table before she straightens her blue apron and smiles even brighter.
“Anything else?” She asks.
“Nope. This is good.” Pax says but he only has eyes for the ice cream. The waitress’s smile falters. I feel a
little sorry for her. She’s probably used to being noticed.
“Okay, well… enjoy.” She says and turns around to leave.
I look at the many flavors of ice cream in front of me. God, I’ve never seen so much before. For a
second, I really believe I will be able to eat them all and my mouth starts to water. Pax is still grinning.
He offers me one of the cartons.
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“Chocolate chip ice cream. This goes first.” He says and offers me a plastic spoon. I take it reluctantly. I
still feel like blushing. It’s nice to be treated with so much ice cream but I'm just not used to it.
“Oh, God!” Pax moans when he puts the first spoonful in his mouth. I giggle without meaning to but he
does spike my curiosity and I try a spoon myself. I almost gasp when my taste buds get a taste of the ice
cold matter in my mouth. Wow! Oh God, indeed! It’s so good, I never want to stop tasting it! It tastes
exactly like iced chocolate chip cookies!
“Moving on. Hobbies?” Pax says after we spend the first five minutes enjoying and savoring the tastes in
our mouths.
I nod. “Reading. Writing. You?” I say and immediately fill my mouth with ice cream again.
“Surfing. Swimming and… fighting.” He says and he almost whispers the last words, holding my eyes to
probably see my reaction. I’m really not surprised that much. He looks like that kind of guy.
“Dream job?” I go on, this time surprising him. It shows on his face and his growing eyes. For a second
there, I imagine that the ice cream I am eating comes from the constantly melting chocolate of his eyes.
Weird…
“My own company of surfing and swimming equipment, as well as teaching.” He says with a nod after
thinking hard for a second.
“Yours?” He wastes no time.
I don’t have to think about it. “Writing stories.” I say. It’s the only time I get to be who I am, with a pen
and a piece of paper in hand.
“That’s what you wrote back in the car?” He asks me.
“Yeah. It’s only the beginning of the story. Someday I’ll write them all to the end.” I tell him, nodding.
“So you just think of something and then you write it and put it on hold?” He asks, curious and confused.
“No, it’s The Dreams.” I tell him and then I slightly blush. I never told anyone about the Dreams before.
How weird would that sound, anyway?
“Dreams?” Pax repeats this time with suspicion as well as curiosity and confusion.
I quickly contemplate on what to do. I never thought about telling anyone about my Dreams. On the
other hand, I never told anybody about anything. Pax seems nice enough. More than nice, actually…
And just like that, my mind is made up. It was just too easy so I was a little suspicious but I threw caution
to the wind for once.
“Well, I have these dreams every once in a while, where I see a full story happen on my mind. I see the
people, I hear the words, I feel the feelings, I see the places. They’re stories that need to be put on
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paper. Books, I think, from the way I see them. And, I have to write down at least the beginning of them
the second I wake up because if I don’t, then I forget the story completely.” I tell him, trying to wrap it
up and make it as clear as I can.
I can see Pax’s eyes close a little right before a big bright smile that brings things in my stomach again.
They’re like birds, flapping their wings and singing merry songs inside of me. Butterflies.
“Wow, that’s…” He says but stops, staring at his spoon as if thinking hard for the right word. I help.
“Weird? A mentally unstable condition?” I propose.
He laughs, pushing his head up and letting me see the clear lines of his strong neck. I smile and giggle a
little. I just tried to make a joke. I think to myself. Who knew I’d see this day. But Pax… there’s just
something about him. And he laughed.
“Unheard of, was the word I was looking for. Mentally unstable? Maybe, but all great minds are by
definition unstable if you look at them from a normal point of view. But definitely amazing.” Pax says
nodding his head with his perfect brows raised up in his now wrinkly forehead.
I nod. “So tell me about them.” He asks, filling his mouth again with delicious ice cream. “The Dreams.”
One corner of my mouth tilts up slowly. My first instinct is to tell him that they’re just stories, like every
other book you read. A combination of 26 letters. But something tells me he can handle if I tell him the
way I feel about my stories. So, again, mind easily made up, I spill it.
“Every story has an entrance line. It’s like some kind of rule that my mind has created for them. I think,
while having a Dream, I see the event in fast forward mode. But then, when I wake up, I remember
every detail. I know exactly which word to use to describe everything I see.” I say and I am – excited?! –
talking louder than I ever do.
“And the characters?” Pax asks and his eyes - his beautiful chocolate eyes that the chocolate ice creams
have nothing on, though extremely delicious – look curious and interested.
“The main characters are always amazing! I love every one of them. I see them like they’re mine. Scary.”
I say, again trying to joke. So not me... “I have everything from little kids to teenagers, young adults, and
old people, and then really old people. In fact, one of my characters is a hundred and one!” I say and
have the urge to clap my hands for no reason. Thank God I can control myself before I do that.
Pax is staring at me and smiling, looking like he was seeing me for the first time. No surprise in that. I felt
the same way about myself.
“And he tells the story of his young days?” Pax asks, still staring intently at me.
I shake my head with a smile. “No. He tells the story of his son. And his nephews. It’s really
heartbreaking…” I say and I remember old Bern. That man is stronger than a rock.
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“Amazing…” Pax says looking at me with dreamy eyes, like he’s looking at me but not really seeing me.
“So do you write them all?” He says after coming back on the table.
“No. I still haven’t. But I will.” I tell him. And then: “Do you think that’s weird?” I ask abruptly. I didn’t
even know I had the words on the tip of my mouth. I never cared about weird. Why the hell did you ask
him? What the hell do you care? I ask myself in my head over and over again as I look at him, wide eyed.
I really didn’t mean to. But Pax gives me a half smile and shakes his head.
“I don’t think that’s weird. In fact, compared to some of the things I’ve seen and heard in my life, it’s
pretty normal.” He says and his eyes tell me he means it. I sigh silently in relief. I need to control myself.
“There’s no such thing as normal.” I say, moving on.
“What do you mean?” He asks, confused and a little surprised. I shrug.
“Normal is just a theory.”
“A theory?” He asks, giggling incredulously. I nod. “Elaborate.” He says.
“Your life, however it is, it’s normal for you, right? But it isn’t normal for me. And how I grew up is
probably not normal for you, either.” I try to explain but he seems lost. He doesn’t get it, clearly. I don’t
expect him to, really. I don’t know anyone who’d think being beaten at least once a week your whole life
is normal. I try again.
“This,” I say, waving my hand over the table filled with ice cream, “is this normal for you? To come eat
four kinds of ice creams and take out three more?” I ask and wait patiently for him to nod.
“Yeah. I always do this when I’m traveling.” He says.
“Exactly. But for me, this is not normal.” I say, hoping that I could explain it well enough. The table is the
perfect example. Having so much ice cream is far from normal for me. The corners of his eyes wrinkle
again.
“So, are you saying that there is no normal?” He asks, clearly surprised by the outcome.
“I’m saying that what we refer to as normal is actually just reality. And we all have our realities, our
normal’s, but no one’s reality is the same. So, there is no normal.” I say with a nod.
He takes a second and stares at his ice cream.
“Huh.” He breaths. “I’ve never thought about it that way.” He says, half lost in his thoughts.
“Well, it’s just how I think of it. Just my opinion.” I say, shrugging. Secretly, I fear that he is thinking I’m
just a psycho, or something.
“So,” he abruptly says loudly, “what you’re saying is that, the Dreams you have are normal?” He goes
again, trying to understand.
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“Yeah. They’re maybe not normal for you, but they are for me. It’s my reality. And you say you fight,
right?” I ask and he nods immediately. “Fighting is not normal for me, but it is for you.” I wrap it up.
I shouldn’t have said anything. The way he’s looking at me with wide eyes makes me itchy.
“Yeah, fighting is definitely normal for me. But not for most people. So that means it’s not their reality.”
He says and I can’t help but smile a little.
“Yes.” I say, with a nod. He gives another ‘huh’ but he’s smiling now and is back to eating his ice cream.
Something occurs to me and I can’t keep my tongue inside my mouth. I just feel like I need to know.
“Can I ask you something?” I ask slowly, wondering what the right words to say would be. He nods.
“Sure, anything.” He says with that easy smile that has my muscles clutching.
“Back in Bronx, when… Why did you do what you did to that man?” I ask him, looking down at my ice
cream. I don’t know if I was supposed to bring that up but it’s killing me to know. To understand what
pushed him to completely transform from the guy that is now in front of me.
“That is…” He says, playing with his spoon and the ice cream in front of him. I look up to see the
beginning of his brows turn upward and I almost panic. I shouldn’t have asked him.
“You don’t have to tell me. I was just…” Trying to understand. But he doesn’t let me finish. He looks up
and he smiles sadly before he tells me, not at all reluctantly. He just looks sad.
“My sister, well - half sister unfortunately, since her mother died before I was born, is married to him.
He’s…” He says and I see his fingers curl up in fists as he shakes his head a few times. I feel bad for
making him go through this.
“Anyway, she lives in Bronx with him. A while ago, I went to surprise her at her place and I found her lip
torn and her cheek red. She wouldn’t say but I know the aftermath of a slap when I see them. It drove
me fucking mad because Miranda is so great. And she even tried to cover for him!” He says, leaving me
completely stunned. It would’ve never occurred to me that that man hurt Pax’s sister. I feel a wave of
compassion and pride – which is stupid, but I do – and I wish for just a split second that I had someone
to protect me like that.
“After kicking his ass for the first time, and threatening him to break his skull if it ever happens again, it,
uh… happened again. Just a week ago. Miranda begged me not to do anything ‘stupid’ and made me
promise her. That’s the only reason why he was still breathing when you saw me.” He finishes and
almost all light has left his eyes. I look down at my spoon but I force myself to meet his eyes after a
second. I need him to see that I don’t judge him. I admire him for what he does for his sister. How he
protects her. I attempt to smile for him and when he returns it, mine comes naturally.
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“You did good.” I tell him and once again I wish and wonder what it would be like to be able to count on
someone like that. To have a brother who cares so much and doesn’t beat you. Who protects you from
those that do.
Pax’s eyes widen for a second as if what I said surprised him but he lets out a sigh that sounds like relief
and we didn’t talk about his brother-in-law anymore.
Instead, for another forty minutes, we just stood there and chatted about normal and reality and my
Dreams. I tried to ask him several times about the fighting but he kept steering the conversations back
to my Dreams. I noticed it clearly but I pretended I didn’t. I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.
And it seems like I cannot stop talking about my stories, if given the chance! I don’t think I have ever
talked this much for this long to anyone ever before. I mean, I literally couldn’t stop!
I take the ice creams from the waitress and we make our way out of the store. I feel good. Normal. My
normal. I can’t believe it never occurred to me about what she said. She’s… smart! And I can’t believe
I’m surprised because of that. I guess it has been a while since I met with a woman that’s smart. No
surprise there, considering my circle of friends. A shiver runs down my back.
I go to the car, and for the third time, I stop to open the door for her. Who knew I could be a gentleman?
I sure as hell didn’t.
I wait for her to hop in and I wait until she looks up. It’s like I need to see her face every few seconds.
She even gives me a smile! Beautiful…
And the way she looked when she talked about her stories? Fuck me! I’ve never seen something so
adorable! It was like seeing her alive for the first time and let me tell you, I loved the sight in front of me.
Because, before I saw her eyes shining like that and her mouth permanently stretched into a smile, her
cheeks like the sweetest, most delicious ice cream balls ever, I didn’t think she could be even more
divine than she already was.
And, the thing is, I don’t think about me and my life when I am with her. I forget completely about mom
and dad and fighting and drinking and… everything. It’s like my problems disappear when I’m talking to
her.
We’re on the road again and she has her cheek pressed against the window like always. Her hands are
tucked in between her thighs. Thankfully, her cheek, where that fucker hit her, has all but healed. Only a
little yellow is left on it, barely visible if you didn’t know it was there. But I know it’s there. I see it and it
makes me mad every passing second.
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Miranda texts me. She tells me that I’m a douche and that she’s never baking apple pie for me again for
as long as I live. I smile as I picture her in that red apron, baking and making the kitchen look foggy from
flour. She never knew how to bake. I text her back.
Sorry sis. Eating ice cream. Beats your apple pie any day.
I know she’ll know I’m joking. She knows me like no one else. My sister is the only person I love
unconditionally in this world. Not mom, not dad. Miranda. I just wish she could see more clearly and
leave that bastard.
Ice cream? Alone?
She texts back. I look at her and she’s still looking outside the window with her cheek pressed against
the glass. I text my sister back.
Yeah, every flavor there is! And no, not alone.
She’s going to die of curiosity now, I’m sure.
When do I get to meet her?
My sister says making me smile again. It’s like she can read my mind.
Who says it’s a she?
Another second. God, she types fast.
You’re my little brother. Is she the reason why you left two days early?
I giggle. That’s the answer she always gives me whenever I ask her how she knows about things.
Maybe…
I’m grinning like an idiot.
Paxton Connor Chase! You met a girl!
Seriously. Now it’s just embarrassing.
What’s her name? Is she pretty? Is she prettier than me? TELLME!
Jeez, sis. Slow down. Yes, I met a girl. Yes she’s pretty. And prettier than you. But it’s nothing like that.
I text back, beginning to feel a little nervous. Because, all of the sudden, I want it to be like that.
You jerk! I hate her… She texts me.
Okay, I don’t hate her. I want to meet her. The very next second. I shake my head and laugh at her.
Love you sis.
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What do you mean, love you sis? This conversation is not over!
I giggle and put the phone back under my thighs.
PAXTON!!!
I try to ignore the texts coming in every second.
You little shit! Don’t you dare not text me back!
And so, it went on and on. I love my sister. She is my favorite person in the whole world. Technically
she’s my half sister. Five years older than me. Her mom died in a car accident and dad married mom a
year after. But that never stopped us from kicking each other in the face. And she went on with texting,
until:
Okay, got it out of my system. Can’t wait to hear all about it. Love you Paxy.
She knows how I hate it when she calls me that. But it’s impossible to ever stay mad at Miranda.
Her small hand slowly reaches the radio. I look to the side, surprised. She never touched the radio
before, and I really don’t mind. She catches me looking and her emerald green eyes grow wide.
“Go ahead. Put something nice.” I tell her, knowing that she’s thinking I’m against her touching my
radio. What she doesn’t know is that I am all for her touching my radio. I am all for her touching… All of
the sudden, the image of her wet curly hair and her loose shirt came in front of my eyes. I instantly
started to get hard. The smell of honey just made it worst… Yeah, I definitely want her to touch. And I
want to hold her again in my arms while she sleeps. I have to rearrange my sitting position. My man
down there is clearly visible.
I turn the volume up so I can hear what song is playing on the radio. I’m thankful Pax told me I could
touch it. The radio, I mean. I think he’s a little uncomfortable. He’s been texting with someone the
whole way. I wonder if it’s his girlfriend from back home. I wonder if I’m going to get to meet her.
Probably not. I really don’t want to. For a second, I thought about asking. Good thing I remembered to
bite my tongue.
But yeah, it’s clearly his girlfriend. He giggles and he shakes his head with a smile. I think he’s got an
erection. Why does that make me tummy feel warm? He tries to hide it and I act like I don’t notice a
thing. He was definitely talking to his girlfriend. A little something – disappointment? – grows in me. I
ignore it as much as I can.
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I finally find a nice song. It’s 3 Doors Down. I like them and I turn to look at Pax, who’s watching the road
in front of us.
“This okay?” I ask him and he nods before he turns to look at me for a second.
“Yeah. Anything you like.” He tells me and turns his head back, leaving me blushing a little. I hope he
didn’t see me because, why the hell would I blush? And I don’t want to explain to him how people never
say to me that I can do anything I like.
“You want some more ice cream?” He asks and the taste of ice cream flavored bile rises in my throat. I
have never eaten more than I did back in Springfield but hell if my mouth didn’t water at the same time
when Pax opened the carton filled with vanilla ice cream. I know I shouldn’t but it just look so delicious.
And it is half melted from the heat in the car. I take it and thank him before I put a spoonful of it in my
mouth. Heavenly.
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Chapter 7
“Cristina!” Someone calls but I couldn’t hear clearly because someone is screaming loudly, too. I don’t
know where I am. I hear that name again. The name that I hated most of my alias got stuck on me. The
irony. The screaming doesn’t stop. I try to open my eyes to see who it is. I try to push my lids open but
they’re too heavy. I try to make a sound, to ask where the hell I am. I can’t. My mouth is busy.
Screaming.
God, the terrible sounds are coming from me! I can feel the voice coming and scratching my throat! I
want to stop but I can’t. I don’t know how. Why am I screaming?
Father’s face pops in front of my eyes. Than Travis and Timothy, right behind him. My own personal
nightmare. They’re grinning those evil grins, just like every time they are about to…
“Come here, you.” Father spits. I shake my head as hard as I can. I can’t let him get to me but I can’t
move. I can’t move and I can’t breathe. He takes a step closer.
I jump.
“Cristina, God, are you okay? Look at me, are you okay?” Someone says and I recognize the voice but
there are hands on my face. I jerk back and push those hands away. I can’t let him get to me… I just
can’t. Not again.
“Cristina, it’s me, Pax. Look at me.” The voice says again and he tries to grab my hands that are now in
front of my face. I jerk back again and I push the hands away. I can’t…
Wait. Pax. Pax is not my father or my brothers. Pax has nice eyes.
My eyes pop open. We’re in the car but we aren’t moving. I look around and outside to see that it is
already twilight. I had been sleeping. And screaming. Shit.
I look at Pax who has his hands in front of him palm up and he’s looking at me with wide eyes. His face is
pale as a sheet and his mouth opened. I scared the shit out of him.
“I’m… sorry.” I mumble as I straighten up on my seat. I feel like I’m going to be sick. I open the door and
get out of the car. The fresh air fills my nostrils and my lungs and the next second, my vision becomes
clearer. I lean against the car and I hear Pax coming out, too. I feel so embarrassed, I’m sure I am red as
a tomato.
“Hey, are you okay?” Pax asks ma and stands a couple of feet away from me. He’s scared to come near
me. Of course he is. I nod but don’t look at him. My eyes are pinned to the purple and orange sky.
“You scared the shit out of me!” He speaks my thoughts, shaking his head and sighing before he comes
to lean against the car right next to me. I feel a little better.
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“I’m really sorry. And about the first time, too. I didn’t… know that I… screamed.” I say, every word going
toward a whisper. I had no idea I screamed in my sleep. I’m feeling terrified. Their faces are pinned in
front of my eyes, still.
“Don’t worry about it. Everybody has nightmares.” Pax says with an easy smile, nudging me with his
elbow.
“It was them.” I blurt out before I can control myself. Pax doesn’t say anything. He just joins me in
staring straight ahead at the sky, and that somehow gives me reassurance.
“I never dreamed about them before. At least, not that I remember.” I told him. It’s the first time that I
am seeing my father in my dreams. He looks just the same as the day I left. My arms shake a little and
my skin covers in goose bumps. Pax notices but he doesn’t turn. He comes a little closer and he puts his
arm around my shoulders. I don’t know what to do so I just stand there. Pax pulls my body to his until he
has my head resting on his shoulder. I wait for something to happen. I wait for myself to jerk back and
move away. I wait.
I don’t. I don’t want to move away. His shoulder is… nice. I sigh in relief and let go of my long held
breath. I relax. He, very slowly, puts his hand on my head and starts caressing my hair. I close my eyes
and enjoy the feelings bubbling inside of me. I’m not scared. At all. He’s a guy and he’s touching me,
holding me, and I’m not scared. He rests his cheek on the top of my head and his chin touches my
forehead a little. I shiver but in an entirely good way. I’m not afraid of being touched. I like Pax’s touch.
Maybe, just maybe, I am not as hopeless as I thought.
We stand there for a good fifteen minutes and I never want to move.
“Where are we?” I ask in a whisper.
“Just outside Oklahoma.” He says. “We should settle in for the night. Find a nice place to stay.” He tells
me and the embarrassment hits me again. “And don’t even think about saying no because I am not
asking you.” He says abruptly and leans back to look at me in the eyes. He even has his finger raised in
my direction. I smile at his raised brows.
“I appreciate everything but I can’t…” I start to say and I don’t even know why I am surprised when he
stops me. What really surprises me is when he touches the tip of his finger to my lips. And now he’s
looking at them. I realize we’re standing so close. I forget how to breathe. He’s eyes are on fire while he
stares at my lips. My eyes, on their own accord, find his lips, too. God, I never realized how full and
perfectly defined they are. They are almost as perfect as his eyes. I wonder what it would be like to taste
them. My eyes grow wide and my toes curl while flame envelopes every inch of me when realization hits
me.
I want to kiss Pax.
I jerk back abruptly. Instinct. And the thought that he’s a man. I don’t trust men. I know it’s not fair to
him but I don’t. And he has a girlfriend. His eyes are still wide while he stares at me in surprise. He
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swallows hard and shakes his head and successfully moves on like nothing happened. Like he wasn’t
spitting fire at my lips with his eyes. Fine with me.
“Cristina, I brought you along in this trip. So stop saying that you can’t. Let me take care of you until we
get to California, okay?” He says and my heart makes it hard for me to hear. It is pounding in my ears.
I nod, embarrassed.
“That means no saying that you can’t or that you don’t want to. Okay?” He says and opens the door of
the car for me to get in.
“I can’t let you spend all your money on me. It’s not fair.” I tell him quickly because I know he’s going to
stop me. Instead, he laughs a little.
“You are not allowed to think about that. You are allowed to only say what you want to do. Do we have
a deal?” He says with a grin and gives his hand for me to shake. I look at it and then back up at his eyes. I
open my mouth to object but the look he is giving me tells me he won’t hear it. I am so thankful that I
want to laugh but… But nothing. I take his hand and shake it.
“Deal.” I say and try to ignore the small tingles of electricity that his hand leaves on mine. His grin grows
wider.
“Now we’re talking.” He says and closes the door.
I have never before seen this many lights in one place! I remember once, Bethany, a girl from school, say
that when her parents took her to a carnival, she thought she was in Pinocchio’s Land of Toys! But this,
where we are right now, beats ten Lands of Toys. So many people walked and ran and yelled and
laughed. So many children and teenagers and parents and grandparents! My face can’t hold the grin on
my face.
“You like it?” Pax asks me. We are somewhere in Oklahoma. He told me but I forgot. I am busy being
amazed.
“I love it!” I shout and try to take everything around me in with just one look.
There’s music playing in the background, overrun by the noise of people and machines. So many
machines! I see a giant ship hanging on a metal frame that goes up and down both ways and the people
inside it are screaming like mad, but laughing, too. I see a big round metal construction with bright
orange lights all around the frames. When I looked at it for the first time, it looked like a very big flower
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made of lights. But when I looked closer, I saw seats attached all around the circle – outline of the
flower. It goes so high! I want to get on it!
I see a train! My God, the railway of it! It’s like someone has taken a piece of paper and had drawn a line
that curved every two steps. It went too high, and then down, too low. And then up and a little down,
than up all the way. I can’t describe how fast it is. I’m dying to try it.
“You’ve never been to a carnival before?” Pax asks me but I am too excited to feel nervous or
embarrassed about my reality. I just shake my head and continue taking everything in.
“Well then, let’s have some fun.” He says with a grin and grabs my hand.
And boy, did we have fun! I ate cotton candy and it was delicious! I watched Pax as he shot empty
bottles of beer with e riffle that fired plastic bullets. He was very good at it and the way his arms and
muscles stretched while he concentrated on the target, made my tummy hot again. We went inside an
area that had ‘Death’ written in red lights at the entrance. It wasn’t that scary, though. We saw
skeletons and green fire and dead people. Zombies and rabid dogs but I knew they were fake so they
didn’t scare me that much.
We drove a very small car. The ground was laid with something that looked like metal but wasn’t and
small bumper cars with pieces of rubber attached all around them made their way upon it. The thing
was to hit and crash as many cars as I could. Well, no problem, I said. I can crash. I went after Pax and I
told him to not take it easy on me after the third time that he could’ve hit me but didn’t. I like to play
fair. He figured that when I almost turned his car upside down.
“You’re crazy!” He shouted, once we left the cars to go look for something else to do.
“You’re just jealous because I kicked your ass.” I say grinning so easily, that for a second I doubt that I
am really living the night. I mean, my reality is never like this. I don’t scream – well, except for when I’m
sleeping apparently – for no reason and laugh and shout. Or just chat with someone, especially someone
male. But I feel renewed somehow. Different. Still not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. And it’s
all Pax’s merit, anyway. He makes it so easy.
“Okay, one more thing and then we have to go.” Pax says. I frown. I didn’t want to go. “We have to. It’ll
close soon.” He says when he realized the look on my face. I look around and see that people have
already started to leave. I had completely lost track of time. I don’t know what time it is but I don’t care.
“Okay.” I tell Pax and he starts to walk toward the big flower. My face is hurting. It isn’t used to smiling
so much.
“Okay.” Pax says, putting me in front of him. “I am a little scared of heights. But, we’re going up there on
the Ferris wheel because it will be so worth it when I see your face.” He says, sure that I’m going to be
scared. I raise my brow in question.
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“You’ll be scared shitless, trust me. Every girl I know is on the verge of tears once they drop on the
ground from that baby.” He says, grinning and looking at the giant flower. I want to tell him that I don’t
mind but he is so sure that I’m going to be scared. Plus, he’s already scared but he is doing it anyway, to
see me scared. Now, I was the one who couldn’t wait to see his face. I nodded but didn’t comment while
we took the few steps to the machine.
Pax makes sure that the metal holder in front of us is safely secured and won’t budge. He tries to move
it with his hands nonstop. The thing is almost pressed to our laps and it’s cold and round and perfect for
holding on to. I can’t wait to get up. Pax’s face is dead serious as he, once again, tests the holders. I think
he’s starting to sweat a little.
“Are you okay?” I ask him. Because if he really is scared so much, than we can get off. I wouldn’t mind.
But he nods his head.
“Yeah. Fine. Great. Just… great.” He says and I can tell his nerves are boiling but good for him for
standing his ground. I grin but he can’t see me. He’s really terrified.
The machine makes a scratching noise and it starts to move, slowly at first. Pax’s knuckles are all white
from the tight grip he has on the iron holder in front of us. I would’ve laughed if I wasn’t so excited. Our
metal seat starts to move a little on both sides like a swing. And up and up we go. I can see more of the
place with every passing second. It’s so amazing, my eyes get a little teary. The air is considerably colder
up here but I don’t care. I look down but the people on the carnival look like small ants. The sky looks so
much bigger from up here and the stars seem to shine brighter. I close my eyes and let the freshness
wash over me. We’re still not at the very top. I look down again and Pax gasps. He has his eyes closed
and is pale as a sheet. His forehead is filled with sweat beads and his brows narrowed.
“Hello there.” I say grinning and waving. He looks at me like I’m crazy for not holding the iron holder
with both hands.
“Hi.” He breaths.
“I’m going to stand up now.” I tell him and I prepare.
Pax lets go of the holder and grabs my wrist with a death grip. A giggle escapes me.
“No. Stand still.” He tells me through clenched teeth.
“I want to stand up. It’s really pretty up here.” I say and I pull my hand away from him and stand.
Pax gasps and his whole body freezes. I rest my thighs against the holder and I let go of my breath. I
would lie if I say that I'm not scared. But the adrenaline that comes from the knowledge that I am
actually living this moment, beats the fear. I raise my hands high just as we reach the very top.
My mind is blocked by three letters. ‘Wow.’
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And then, I scream. I scream with all I have to the sky. I don’t know why but it feels good to do so. I’ve
read once that screaming can help release the negative energy but I never tried it. While awake and
willingly, at least. I can feel Pax move closer to me. He very bravely lets go of the iron holder and puts his
arm around my thighs before he grips the holder again on the other side. I gasp at his closeness and I
stop my screaming. I am smiling wide. Wow, who knew that screaming your guts out could feel so
renewing, so refreshing? I should’ve done this long ago.
“Cristina, please sit.” Pax pleads. We are already on our way down. I want to stand like this, almost
completely straight up but he is going nuts with his arm around me, trying to protect me in case I was
going to fall. This guy, someone I barely know, a stranger, is doing things for me that no one has ever
done in my life. It’s like he’s my hero but in a contemporary hero kind of way. So I grab his shoulder with
one hand and slowly start to sit down. He pulls his arm from around my thighs and grabs the iron holder
again once I sit. He isn’t enjoying any of this. It’s a shame.
For a second, I had this crazy idea. Maybe, if he felt me hold him, he won’t be so scared, just like I’m not.
So I put my hand above his and I slowly uncurl his fingers from the holder. He watches me move, wide
eyed. His hand is ice cold from nervousness. I take it in between both my palms and intertwine my
fingers with his.
“Relax. You’re missing out.” I tell him and I rest his hand on my lap. He’s still frozen but I give him time.
We are almost half way down now so I turn to look around me to catch as much as I can from the sight
and the feeling. I imagine how birds must feel to just be able to flap their wings and have the sky. I feel
Pax lean on the seat, too. His hand starts to slowly relax. I turn to look at him only to see him staring and
smiling at me. His brows aren’t narrowed anymore but he’s still pale. I smile back to encourage him. He
tightens his grip around my hands. He looks at me and I can’t look away from him. We stay there, staring
at each other in a very comfortable silence. I realize that what I am looking at right now is much, much
better than what I saw when I was at the top of the flower. His eyes, his smile, his lips. Things crossed
my mind, things I have never before thought about anyone else. When I pictured my life, I was always
alone in my future. Always. Now, as dangerous as it is, I can’t help but wonder and try to fit Pax into that
picture.
The machine stops completely and it’s time for us to get out. Pax gives me one more squeeze on my
hands and he jumps out. I follow reluctantly.
“Whoa, what a ride.” Pax says, shaking his head and smiling.
“’A little scared of heights’ my ass.” I say and start laughing. I can’t believe the things that come up to
my head today. I never joke! There’s something in me that is brought up by this man. Something I don’t
necessarily hate, and just might like.
“Carry! Hey, Carry!” Someone calls from behind me. I turn to look because I know I’ve heard that voice
before. And sure enough, I know the woman calling and waving and running slowly to me with a big
smile on her face. Jillian, a middle-aged interior decorator who ate breakfast at Freddy’s every day for
two months while she worked on a project in Bronx, took me into a bear hug. Last time I saw her, we
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only shook hands. But this time, I’m more used to hugging, thanks to Pax, and so I slowly pat her back
with one hand. She still smells very good.
“Hi.” I say when she’s done hugging me.
“Oh, Carry! How are you? You look so good? How have you been?” She blurts just like always. Her
cropped natural blond hair makes her look older than she is. Her blue eyes are almost colorless and her
body is curved perfectly, just like I remembered.
“Good. Good. And you?” I ask her, smiling shyly. She looks really excited to see me.
“Oh, great. Working! I’ve got some new projects that… oh!” She stops speaking abruptly and is looking
behind me. I turn around to see Pax’s smiling face standing next to me.
“Hello there.” Jillian says folding her hands in front of her and smiling mischievously.
“Oh, um… this is… Pax. A… friend.” I say, feeling weird. I’m not sure how to refer to him. Does traveling
to California with a person in said person’s car make him your friend?
“Hello, Pax!” Jillian explodes. I swear, if I heard her without seeing her, I would’ve bet my life that she’s
a teenager. “I’m Jillian. A friend of Carry’s.” She teases and offers her perfectly manicured hand.
“It’s nice to meet you.” Pax says, shaking her hand once.
“Delighted!” Jillian says, melting. Her smile is giant on her face.
“You’ve done good!” She tells me with a wink and I blush instantly. I want to tell her to shut up but I
can’t.
Someone calls her from behind. A man who is probably her husband.
“Oh, coming!” She calls back, waving before she turns to me. “It’s so good to see you Carry. Please tell
me that you are not working with that awful, awful man anymore!” She says, grabbing me by the
shoulders.
I shake my head. “No, I’m not.” I say, knowing that she is talking about Archer.
“Oh, great. I’m glad. I have to go but it was nice to see you. And it was very nice to meet you.” She says
turning to Pax again and I think she winked at him. I cough to mask my laugh.
“Good to meet you, too.” Pax says and I can tell he is struggling to keep the laughter, too. Jillian is very
sweet but she is more a teenager than I ever was.
“Well then. Have a nice day, or week. Or life.” She says, waving and winking at me twice as if she was
sending me a secret message. I smile and wave at her while she makes her way back to the man. When
she’s finally out of sight, we both start laughing.
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“I’m so sorry about that!” I say to Pax, feeling a little guilty for putting him in an uncomfortable
situation.
“Oh, please! This is the first time a cougar comes on to me!” He says and laughs a little more, before his
face turns serious all of the sudden, like he just remembered something.
“So… Carry?” He asks and my breath catches in my throat. I completely forgot about the name. I
changed it so many times that many people called me different names and I’m used to it.
“Yeah…” I say because there’s nothing more I can say. He nods and puts his hands on his pockets, staring
at the ground for a few moments. I play with my fingers and try to rip them apart. I don’t know why I
feel so nervous. This isn’t the first time that I’ve been caught lying about my names.
“So, let me guess. You’re real name isn’t Cristina, either?” He asks raising his brows slowly.
I sigh. “No.” I say, shaking my head.
“Why did you lie?” He asks and he’s not mad or angry. Just curious.
“I don’t lie. I just don’t tell the truth. I don’t tell anyone my name.” I tell him and start walking because
I'm too nervous to stand in one place.
“Not telling the truth is the very definition of lying.” He says falling into pace with me.
“No, there’s a difference between not telling the truth and lying. Lying is giving false information.” I say
and then I stop. I can feel him grinning.
“Which is exactly what you’ve been doing.” He says.
“I fell right into that.” I mumble and curse myself for not thinking. I had been so caught up in the fun I
was having.
“You sure did. So, what’s your real name?” He asks me and I turn to look at him for only a second,
before I continue to watch where I am stepping. After another two minutes of silence, he finally sees
that I am not about to tell him.
“Now that’s just unfair. But cool. From what I’ve heard, you only go with names that start with C. I am
assuming that your real name starts with C, too?” He says and once again I’m amazed that he’s not even
a little bit angry. I nod.
“Okay. Let’s make a deal.” He says and stops in front of me. “You don’t have to tell me your real name.
But, I get to guess. And if I guess the right name, than you are obligated to say ‘yes’. How’s that?” He
says, holding his arms in front of me and looking at me with excitement.
I take a second to think about it. He’s been nothing but good to me. Ever since the day I ran away, I have
never told my real name to anyone. Absolutely no one. It just brings back memories. But if he guesses
right, the least I can do is give him a nod.
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“Okay.” I say, my mind completely made up. And I feel good about it.
“Caitlin?” He says after a second. I turn to look at him only to see a wide, sneaky and mischievous grin
on his face. My eyes alone ask the question.
“Hell yeah! I’m going to get your name by the time the sun sets.” He says, sure of himself. Well, I did say
yes to his proposal. I shake my head. “No.” I say, looking away.
“No? Okay. I got more. Calley?” I shake my head violently. Pax giggles carelessly at the face I’m making.
We made our way to the entrance to go find a place to spend the night. On our way out, I see an old
man sitting on a wooden chair by the monitor cabin and sleeping. He has his grey cap covering half of his
face, his chin resting on his chest and his arms crossed in front of him. I remember once Clare, another
girl from school, say that when she was on vacation in Europe with her family, she and her cousin
slapped an old man sleeping on the street hard across the face and ran. She said that by the time he
realized what the hell happened, they were long gone and hidden. She said it had been fun.
I stop pacing. I’m definitely not sixteen anymore but I don’t think I care right now. A harmless prank is
still harmless, no matter how old you are. And the place where he is sitting is pretty hidden from the
other part of the carnival.
“What?” Pax says following my eyes to see what I was staring at. “It’s just a man sleeping.” He says.
I turn to him with a grin as an even better idea comes to me.
“Do you have a rope?” I ask him. His brows narrow in confusion.
“What? What do you need a rope for?” He asks but I am preparing the plan in my head. “Candice?” He
goes again. I grin and shake my head. Not even close.
“See that man? How about we wake him up… dramatically?” I say and I am surprised by the feelings
flowing over me right now. I was never one to cause problems. Then again, I was never one to do
anything.
Pax raises his brow and stares at the man who is about to get thrown on his back any minute now.
“What do you have in mind?” He asks me, whispering, even though the music is still loud and nobody
can hear us. It just seems like the situation for whispering.
I grin. “Give me your shoe laces.” I tell him and his eyes grow wide in surprise.
“What?! No way! I’m not giving you my shoe laces.” He whines.
“Yes. You are. Gimme them.” I say and open and close my palm in front of him. He shakes his head but
his chocolate, melting eyes are filled with excitement.
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“No! Forget it! What do you need them for, anyway?” He asks and we are still whispering. People must
think we’re weird. Well, we sorta are…
“We’re going to tie your shoe laces to the back legs of his chair and pull on them. It’ll be like kicking the
legs of the chair from under them! He’ll fall square on his back and wake up screaming.” I say excited as
a new, still wild and in need of exploring, part of me makes it to the surface of my mind. I’m surprised
but too excited to wonder.
“My, my. Who would’ve thought you had it in you?” Pax says, looking at me in wonder and shaking his
head slowly.
“Definitely not me.” I mumble but I have my eyes on his white sneakers. The laces will have to do.
“Just so we’re clear, I’ve never done anything like this. So when the shit hits the fan, what the hell do we
do?” He says, looking down at his poor shoes that are about to be left lace-less. He surprises me a little,
actually. I was sure that he was the kind of a kid that got into trouble three times a day for doing stupid
things like this. But good for both of us, we were new to this.
I think for a minute. The solution is simple, really.
“It’s my first time, too! And I admit that we should’ve gotten over pranks like this long ago but since we
obviously didn’t, we need to get it out there. We need to get over that part of ourselves…” I say and
then I stop, think for a second. “Where the hell did that come from?!” I touch my stomach in fake
wonder. “Man, I’m such and inspiration!” I joke, grinning.
“You really are.” He says, grinning right back but his eyes take on a soft shade that makes me want to
melt on them for a second. I come around quickly. We are on a mission.
“And about your questions, if things get crazy, we run like our lives depend on it!” I say and the
excitement in me is so clear, I think I’m going to be embarrassed tomorrow. But right now, I don’t care.
“Some plan you got there!” Pax teases but he falls down on his knees and he starts to untie his laces. I
wait patiently and watch the man sleeping peacefully on his chair. I feel bad for him but I really feel like I
need to do this. I have to know how it feels! Maybe I’ll feel like shit afterwards but I make a mental note
to remind myself that if I do feel like shit, I’ll just think about the fact that no harm has been done.
“Here, Casey…” I giggle.
“Nope.” I say and I start to slowly move toward the sleeping man. Why we are crawling over to him
slowly while millions of steps are heard all around – and I’m not even counting the music – is beyond
me. But I think it just makes what we’re doing more thrilling. We look like two ten year olds on the
mission of our lives.
Pax takes out his phone but I’m too busy tying the thin white laces on the legs of the chair. My heart is in
my ears and my breathing heavy. I feel like I’m a criminal. I can’t stop grinning. The man snores a little
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and moves his head but he’s soundly asleep. I reassure the ties once more and we move forward in front
of the man, as far as the laces let us, which is not much.
“Stand back because his feet might kick us on the face when he falls.” Pax whispers to me and he has his
phone ready in front of him. I can see he is recording. I’ve never recorded anything but it should be fun
to watch afterwards. I’m sure we’ll miss details from the excitement.
“One…” I breathe.
“Two…” Pax whispers.
“Three!” We both say and my hands shake a split second before I pull both laces forward. They move
but only a little. I don’t have strength to pull them all the way. I look at Pax and he is trying to stifle his
laugh but he puts one hand above mine and covers my arm in goose bumps as he pulls.
A second, a numb sound and a terrified scream after, we are looking at two feet hanging on air and
moving like the man is trying to swim. He’s shouting like he’s drowning. We slowly stand up to see what
happened and I keep the laces tightly in my hands. We’re frozen in place as we watch the man struggle
to stand up. His face shows panic and he has no idea what the hell is going on. He doesn’t stop to catch
his breath and think. He keeps struggling to get up but he can’t. His legs are still up on the chair and he
keeps splashing his arms on the ground.
I think now is about time that we ran. But I can’t. I look at Pax. He’s as frozen as I am. And then, we
laugh. The man looks hilarious, moving his feet and arms like that. I laugh so hard that tears come out of
my eyes but finally, the man, whose face is burning with anger now, is already on his knees. Pax puts his
phone in his pocket and grabs my hand. I’m still frozen and laughing.
“Run!” Pax yells and he pulls me toward the entrance.
“You little monkeys! I’ll show you…” The man yells at us and he starts chasing us. Good think he isn’t
that fast. We pas the entrance door flying and people turn to look at us in confusion. The adrenaline in
my body is going crazy! I’ve never had a better night, ever, in my life! And I did nothing! Just went to a
carnival and finally successfully made a prank at an old man! Childish things! But the way I’m feeling is
beyond words.
Pax stops us and leans down behind a black car. He motions for me to hush with his finger in front of his
lips but we can’t stop laughing. We slowly peek above the car trunk and see the man standing with his
hands on his hips at the entrance gates of the carnival and looking around both ways for us. I drop on
the floor and rest my back on the car. I can’t stop laughing. Pax stands looking for a few more minutes
before he joins me.
He pulls his phone out and touches something in it, before he brings it in front of us to watch. The video
starts. I can hear our voices counting. But, the thing I didn’t see when I was living the moment, was the
old man’s face when the chair started to move backwards. His eyes popped open and his mouth
immediately formed a perfect O. His arms reached out as if to try and hold on to something and then
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the sound from when he fell on the ground. By the time I heard his screams, I couldn’t take it anymore. I
put my head in the middle of my knees and I laughed with tears for so long, I was starting to feel
exhausted. Pax laughed with me and he replayed the video over and over again. I abruptly realized how
much I like his laugh. It’s not throaty or scratchy like some laughs are. Not hysterical. It’s… warm and
easy. Soothing, somehow. I love Pax’s laugh.
Pax is starting to look like trouble to me. And, if trouble was anything like what we just did, I think I’m
going to love the outcome.
I can’t stop the shaking of my body that is the aftermath of laughing too hard for too long. I don’t
remember the last time I laughed this much. I look at her on my side. We’re sitting on the ground and
she has her head tucked between her knees. She’s laughing, her body shaking same as mine. I know
what we did was stupid and childish and just way out of line for someone like me. But I was actually
having fun! I even had fun on that goddamn Ferris wheel. At least, from the second she held my hand. I
seriously expected her to be scared once we got that high up above ground. Never in a million years
would I have said that she would want to stand up and scream at the top of her voice when we were
just too fucking high off ground. And never did I think that her holding my hand would beat the fear in
me. Not completely, but a good eighty percent.
What are you doing to me? I ask her in my head as I stare at her silky curls that shine a perfect silver
color under the light of the silver moon.
I never did shit like this. My dad was too uptight. He never let me go out and play with the kids in the
neighborhood. Ne never let me take outside classes. He had me homeschooled. He’s just too paranoid
for no reason, at least not that he told me. And by the time I grew old enough to go out on my own,
people my age just didn’t do things like that anymore. We were too old for pranks. But damn if I give a
shit about how old I am. And she was right. Her speech really did inspire me. I never did things like that
in my childhood so it’s only fair I get to do them now, no matter my age.
I look at her body shaking from her laughter and I think to myself. She’s pretty amazing.
In fact, she’s so amazing, I can’t take my eyes off her or the smile off my face when I look at her. I’ve
really turned into a fucking pussy but, it’s not as bad as they make it sound, to really like someone.
Light bulb! I’m having a fucking light bulb moment!
I like this girl. I really, really like this girl. I just want to be near her, at all times. She gets me! Ha! The
bitch that is irony! I’ve spent my whole life laughing at guys in movies that say shit like this. But, as I can
clearly see now, it’s true. I like this girl.
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No. I’m crazy about this girl. I laugh harder.
I’m crazy about this girl and I don’t even know her name.
We finally get up and go to find the car. Its color shines a perfect silver blue under the moonlight. I have
no idea what car it is but it’s really great.
“Stop eyeing my baby. I’m jealous.” Pax says, faking sadness and hurt with a hand on his chest for a
dramatic effect and all that. I roll my eyes but keep on grinning.
“You should be. This car’s way more handsome than you.” I say and I bite back a gasp. What has he done
to me and who the hell am I?
He does that dramatic act with his hand on his chest again and he has his mouth hanging wide opened
like he’s been shot.
“I beg to differ.” He says, pointing his index finger toward me. “You see this?” He asks, pointing his
finger to the line of his jaw and showing me his profile. I’m already giggling. “This, pretty girl, is art. My
handsomeness is just magnificent!” He goes on waving his hand like what he’s saying is the smartest
thing ever said. “There is not car on earth that can compare to this.” He’s waving his hands all over his
body. “And I don’t like to brag about my incredibly good looks so keep this in mind for next time.” He
finishes with complete seriousness.
I wait a heartbeat. Two. That’s all I can take. I start laughing with all of me. I can’t tell who’s laughing
harder. We both have our heads pressed back on the top of the car looking up at the sky and laughing.
“Wow.” I say, shaking my head.
“Yeah, I know. I’m terribly irresistible.” He says, frowning and shaking his head, which just makes me
laugh that much more. Because, with all honesty, Pax looks like a girl when he does that. The way his
hands move and everything, it’s just too much.
“You know what I’m thinking about?” I ask him and he turns to look at my face. I keep my head directed
at the sky.
“If you would’ve been a girl, you would’ve been really slutty.” I tell him, grinning.
“Oh, hell yeah!” He says, shouting, not the least bit offended. “I would get me some love.” And he makes
the last word sound like ‘luuuuv’.
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“I’m sure.” I say, taking deep breaths to stop the giggles.
“But anyway, what kind of a car is this?” I ask him pointing at the car. I hadn’t realized that he still had
his eyes on my face. I think I blushed a little just now but I don’t think he can notice because it’s too
dark.
“It’s a Mustang. First thing I bought for myself. I spent everything in this baby. All my money and time.”
He says, looking down at the car’s side with love. I never understood why men look at their cars like
that. Probably something in their DNA.
“It’s really nice.” I say with a nod.
“You didn’t just call my baby nice!” He explodes, turning back to a hysterical teenage girl. I push him
aside with my elbow and open the door to the car. So many laughs have gotten the best of me. I feel
exhausted.
“I can’t believe this girl. First, you call me… unhandsome.” He says after he gets in the car. Then he stops
for a second and looks at me with narrowed brows. He whispers: “Is that even a word? Sounds weird.”
But he doesn’t let me answer. He goes on. “Then, you tell me I’m slutty. Now, you call my baby nice!
Nice, as in, a nice shirt, or nice sneakers, or… Where are my laces anyway?” His voice changes abruptly. I
think I have some serious issues. I don’t understand why I find everything he does so funny. Every mimic
and every expression, every word when he’s playing seems hilarious to me. I reach for the back pocket
of my faded jeans and I hand him the white shoelaces that are a tangled mess from being in one place
together for too long.
“Thanks.” Pax mutters but doesn’t put them on. He throws them on the back seat and he start the car. I
yawn uncontrollably. I check the digital clock on the dashboard and see that it’s already midnight.
“Are you sleepy?” He asks me. I pretend to be surprised. I am sleepy but I don’t want to sleep yet.
“No.” I say as casually as I can.
“Good. Because we’re not sleeping. We’re getting something to eat first. We had nothing for lunch but
the ice creams. I know this motel that has a very nice rooftop and we can have a beer there and wait for
dawn.” Pax says.
Now, normally, I would’ve said ‘hell no’. But today, I am definitely not myself. Something inside me is
switched and I can no longer control the train of thoughts that goes on in my head like that rollercoaster
at the carnival. As much as I am tired and in need of sleep, I don’t want to sleep. I want to make this
night last. It’s the most fun I’ve had since forever. So, I smile.
“You mean like a couple of hopeless romantics? Are we going to sing serenades at each other while the
purple and orange colors of a new born sun inspire us and grow the belief in our heart?” I ask in all
seriousness, very calmly.
Pax’s head jerks to the side to look at me and he starts laughing again. I giggle, shrugging innocently.
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“But seriously, though. That was good. And I’d love to hear a sweet serenade if it comes from you.
Always, of course, if you never, and I mean ever, tell anybody about it.” He says.
“My lips are sealed.” I gesture with my fingers over my mouth as if I'm zipping my lips.
“Good. Then beers on the roof top it is.” He says nodding and reminding me.
“I’ve never had beer.” I tell him to prepare him. I might not like it. But Pax’s arms shake violently as soon
as the words leave my mouth and we almost crash against a car on the sidewalk.
“You’ve never had beer?” He asks me as if it’s the most incredible thing he’s ever heard.
“No.” I tell him. I don’t see the big deal.
“Are you kidding?” He asks again and turns to look at me every few seconds.
“No. I drank homemade vodka once, but only because I had a terrible toothache and my father said that
if I keep the alcohol on that area of my mouth for a few minutes, it would get the tooth drunk and it’d
stop hurting.” I explained. I heard him sigh but he didn’t say anything so I continued, feeling a little
awkward.
“It did help, actually. I’ve never had a toothache every since. But I’ve never tried beer.” I finish, feeling
even weirder. I don’t understand why he’s silent all of the sudden. It’s not like I was telling him about
one of the times I got beaten nearly to death.
“What?” I ask, turning to him and it came off a little harder than I intended it to be.
“Nothing. Just thinking. But anyway,” he says shaking his head as if to get rid of his thoughts but I know
he’s lying. I don’t know why, though. “We’ll get some chicken fingers and a six pack and you’re try beer.
It’s one of the few things in my life I am sure I would be desperate without.” He says, trying to joke but
his grin doesn’t reach his eyes like before. I pretend I don’t notice. I don’t want to ruin the night.
We’re silent for the rest of the way.
I watch her watch the things on the shelves of the small grocery store. It looks like she’s taking in every
detail, reading every line of the packages. I already told her three times to get whatever she wants but
she doesn’t touch anything. She just looks. I’m quite impressed. Other girls I’ve hung out with would
jump at the opportunity to empty every shelf on their way. But not her. She just looks.
“I got the beer and the chicken fingers.” I tell her. She looks confused when her concentration breaks
and her eyebrows raise up in the cutest way. I don’t think I’ve ever been so intrigued by someone
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before. In fact, I’ve never wanted to just hang out with a girl before, except for Miranda. Girls just talk
too much and half of what they say is lost on me. And that watching the dawn from the rooftop bullshit?
Hell if I ever thought I’d picture that in my mind. But I do. And we’re only standing there and looking at
the sky while we’re sipping our beers, in my mind.
She said she never had beer. I wonder what other things she never had. I wonder and rage explodes
inside of me.
“With what do you want to eat them?” She asks me, distracting me from my thoughts.
“Uh, nothing?” I say, looking at the carton package with chicken fingers on it.
“Okay.” She says and moves on. I fall in step with her.
“Why, what did you have in mind?” I ask her. I know she’s thinking about something.
“Nothing. I just thought you’d like some sauce or something.” She says, shrugging.
“Well, I do of course, but even if we buy sauce, there’s nowhere to prepare it. Motel rooms don’t have
kitchens.” I tell her. She stops and stares at her feet for a few seconds.
“I know a sauce that we can make with nothing but a bowl.” She tells me, still not sure about herself
though. I feel terrible seeing her like that. It’s like she’s even scared to ask. But I hide it and I grin for her.
“Get what you need.” I tell her and she smiles half heartedly but she moves. I sigh, trying to let out the
feelings inside of me with my breath. I can’t.
I wait for the huge dude behind the counter to slowly check everything out until, finally, he starts to
calculate. I can’t help but roll my eyes. I can see her looking outside the store but I can’t see where. She
seems really concentrated, though, and she even frowns.
“Hold on. Be right back.” She says suddenly and then runs, disappearing behind the shelves again. The
dude gives me a look that says he likes his boring life where he sits, eats and does nothing all day and
the fact that she’s making him wait annoyed him. I grin at him. What can I say?
She comes back with a carton package filled with six eggs. I raise my brow in confusion. I thought she
said that she can make a sauce without having to cook. But I don’t say anything because I don’t want to
make her feel more uncomfortable than she already is, for some reason. When I reach for my wallet, she
takes a step back and she pretends to be interested in everything around her. I know she feels bad every
time I pay for something. Can’t she see that she deserves it? She deserves the whole world… wow, I
seriously don’t have any idea where the fuck that came from. But as soon as I think it, I believe it. I really
feel like giving her the whole world. Man, I’m so screwed.
We walk out of the store side by side and she’s still tugging at her fingers out of nervousness. I want to
ask her to stop feeling like this but I don’t.
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“Are we eating uncooked eggs? Because I’m telling you now, I’m not a big fan of that.” I tell her, faking
determination. I’d eat just about anything she offers me. And that includes other things as well as food.
“Actually, the eggs are for those guy’s heads.” She says, pointing her head on our left across the street.
There, a group of four guys, really big guys with huge chest, stood talking and laughing with each other. I
raise my brow in confusion.
“I saw them just now harassing a woman who had her little daughter by the hand. I couldn’t hear what
they were saying but it wasn’t pretty since the woman put her hands on her child’s ears and with a
terrified look on her face, almost ran from them.” She says, trying hard to make her eyes stray away
from the gang.
“So you want to punish them?” I ask, just to double check I got it right. They were four big guys, anyway.
You’d think she’d be at least a little afraid.
“Why not? The old man did nothing and we played him. These guys deserve it.” She says like it’s a done
deal and then looks around. “See the building behind them? It’s empty and in construction. We can
bring the car around and get up there on the second floor, bombard them with our eggs and be on our
way by the time they start to wonder what hit them.” She says and the excitement that I saw earlier in
her emerald eyes was starting to slowly grow back.
I look around and she’s right. The building is really under construction and we could get right above their
heads. It would’ve been so much easier if I was alone.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” I say to her, shaking my head reluctantly.
She turns to face me with surprise. “What? Of course it is! It’s a piece of cake!” She cries and starts to
walk toward the car. “Are you afraid?” She abruptly asks, looking at me and wrinkling the corners of her
eyes in suspicion.
“What the hell? Of course I’m not afraid! I could take them in less than five minutes!” I say, my pride
and ego wounded.
“Well then?!” She asks dropping her hands on her sides.
“Well what? I said it wasn’t a good idea, not that I wouldn’t do it!”
“Oh. Good then.” She simply says and she walks ahead with a wide grin on her face, like she didn’t just
say what she said. She turns her head with that perfect bow of a smile and says: “Coming?”
How the hell can I be mad at her, even if it’s just a tiny little bit? I can’t. I shake my head at myself and
go to the car.
The place looks dead and it smells like something rotten and wet. I had a very hard time climbing up to
the second floor. The stairs were just scary but I sucked it up because I didn’t want to give her an excuse
to laugh at me or think that I’m a pussy. She already thought it once. She’s leaning forward and walking
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slowly in front of me in the filthy floor, as if someone can see her. The place has several pillars here and
there that hold the roof but there’s nothing there anymore, except for dirt and cement and more dirt. I
slowly make my way toward her and find her on her knees, leaning outside to look down at the heads of
the men. My heart does a double take and my hands instinctively grab her arms. She turns to look at me
and I can see her eyes shining like deep, green waters even though it’s very dark up here.
“Be careful.” I whisper to her once I realize that I have overreacted. She nods but does exactly the same
and points down with her fingers. I lean in just a little but I don’t see anything. She pats the dirty ground
right next to her, calling me to drop on my knees. My first impulse is to shake my head but she looks so
excited and just amazingly beautiful with so little light that I don’t think. I sit. She knows I am afraid of
heights so she grabs my hand and leans forward, asking me to do the same. I can feel the soft skin of her
hand around mine and it’s almost like it’s whispering to me to touch more, to cover more of it with my
hands. I have the sudden urge to just grab her in my embrace and kiss her until we’re both drunk on
feelings. But she puts the egg carton in front of her knees and opens it. She’s grinning like a first grader.
It’s fucking adorable.
She slowly takes one egg and I let go of a breath, trying to relax. When I do, I can hear the voices of the
men below us. They’re using the word fuck after every sentence, if that’s even possible. I lean a little
closer to hear clearer…
Yup, with every single word.
She hands one egg over to me and she leans in, so close, to my ear. I don’t think I’m breathing anymore
ever since the second her perfect honey scent invaded my nose. I never want to let go of that smell
again.
“We need to be fast. Throw one, pick another and then we run.” She whispers and her warm breath
caresses my ears, making every part of my skin cover in goose bumps. Her silky hair touches my cheek
and I lean to the side without realizing, until my cheek gives hers a ghost touch. My heart is pounding in
my chest. I want to grab her and push my lips to her right this second. She stands, looks at me for
another two seconds before she leans away.
“Ready?” She asks as if she didn’t notice anything. I know she did. Her breath blew on my face one
second, and then it stopped when I leaned closer. But we are in the middle of throwing eggs on the
heads of very big men. I think I’ll remember this day until I die.
And then she throws, without warning. I throw without looking.
“What the…” I hear someone scream from below us.
We take another egg each. She leans closer to the edge, peeking.
“Hey!” A guy shouts. I inhale deeply to take a look and I see his face looking up at us. She’s grinning
despite the fact that the guy is tearing us apart with his eyes. She throws.
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I throw and both our eggs make it to the guy’s chest. We both make crazy sounds of laughter that echo
through the empty space behind us.
“One more!” She shouts and hands me the last egg. I stand up, take aim, and throw as hard as I can. I hit
one of them square in the head. Adrenaline has blood rushing in my ears, especially when I see them
shouting and running to get to us. She throws her last egg and it lands directly on one of the guy’s neck. I
can’t tell what they’re saying because they’re shouting like mad but I don’t have time to listen.
“We need to leave now!” I say and I’m actually laughing. I don’t care if they catch us. I can kick their
asses twice before I let them near her. But I grab her hand and I run with her for the sake of excitement.
I start to sweat and feel a little dizzy once we reach the stairs but she tightens her grip around my
fingers and that’s all the push I need. I try to keep my eyes trained on the back of her head and not look
down. I feel like we’ve been running down the stairs for a year before we make it to the street.
“There! You little suckers!”
The guys are running toward us and they’re barely ten feet away. Good thing I parked on the other side
of the road. We run together to the car while they scream and shout behind us. She lets go of my hand
to go to the passenger’s side and I jump full force on the front. I push my keys in the ignition and I can
see them a step away from the trunk. I push on the gas as hard as I can and that makes my wheels
squeal. The car takes us forward the second the first guy’s fist slams on the trunk of my car. Shit. I resist
the urge to drive back and run him over. They keep running behind us even though we are already going
sixty kilometers per hour.
She can’t stop laughing. She has her hands on her chest and her whole body’s shaking. I can never get
tired of hearing her laugh. Not ever. It’s a perfect combination of sweet, smooth and then a little
aggressive. Sexy. She’s so damn sexy.
“Unbelievable!” She shouts, as if she’s reading my mind. “I spend nineteen years of my life prank free
and I do all this in just one night!” She goes on, stopping to laugh every few words. I’m grinning like I
can’t help it. I feel exactly the same way. Only, I have spent twenty three years prank-less.
“Did you see their faces?” I ask, remembering the shouts and grinning like an idiot. It does feel good,
actually.
“And did you hear them?! When the first egg dropped! They had no idea what hit them!” She says,
excited.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. Real life – my reality is checking up on me. I sigh and I want to reach
for my pocket but I can see she’s stopped laughing and is looking at me. Her smile falters. The phone
keeps vibrating. I know it’s dad calling me, even though it’s after midnight.
Fuck it. I say to myself and I put my hand on the steering wheel again, ignoring my phone. God, how I
wish I can have just one fucking day without him being all over my life, telling me what to do and where
to go. He’s made my life a living hell ever since I remember myself.
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And the absolute nightmare is that he doesn’t stop. I’ve tried everything but he doesn’t stop. I wish I had
a real fucking mother who stopped and listened for a while and helped in decision making. I’m pretty
sure dad wouldn’t have had it this way if she wasn’t wasted all of the time. I sure would’ve been a
happier kid.
“Girlfriend?” Her voice brings me back to the now. My phone has stopped vibrating but she’s looking at
my pocket. Girlfriend?
“No. Dad.” I tell her with a voice that says ‘even worse’. She just nods and turns to look out the window
in the dark. I think I hear her sigh. Is she… sad? I can’t define the look on her face right now. The corners
of her mouth are completely downwards and her brows are a little higher than normal. She’s sucking on
both of her cheeks from inside of her mouth and I can’t tell why.
Wait. She asked me if it was my girlfriend calling. I told her, ‘no, dad’. So she probably thinks that I have
a girlfriend; she’s just not calling me right now. I didn’t clarify. Could it be that she’s sad because she
thinks I have a girlfriend? If so, why the hell am I smiling widely and feeling pure joy?
Because, that means she likes you, too. Something inside of me tells me. Another light bulb minute. She
maybe, possibly, might like me too. I have the urge to laugh now, but I quickly recover from the state of
shock and realization and start to speak, to tell her without actually telling her.
“I don’t believe that if I actually had a girlfriend, that she would be calling me as much as my dad calls
me. It’s crazy…” I say casually but keep my attention on her with the corner of my eye. She turns her
head abruptly.
“Oh?” She says but actually makes it sound like a question.
“Yeah. But I don’t. You know, have a… girlfriend. But I’m saying that if… you know, I did, then…” Oh, fuck
me! What the hell dude? Way to go, dipshit! You’re making a complete ass of yourself!
This and a million other curses towards myself made me shut the hell up before I blew it even more. But
all the anger disappeared when I looked at her and saw her smiling. Nodding and smiling. Pleased. Not
sad at all anymore.
Can it possibly be that she likes me?
The motel Pax took us to is much bigger than I thought. We had to take a side way and pass a lot of trees
that made me feel like I was in Wisconsin again in the dark, before we made it to the parking lot. Pax
hurried to get the keys and I tried to rip my fingers apart again.
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I wished I could find a few hundred dollars somewhere, just so I don’t have to let myself feel this cheap
all the time. I feel like a materialist, letting him pay for everything but the breakfast, when we had the
little incident with Gia. But soon, Pax came rushing toward the car with keys in hand and helped me with
the bags. I had everything I needed for my favorite cold sauce. I even got a new plastic, bright blue bowl.
The rooms were nice and clean but we just dropped our bags inside mine and hurried with everything
we need upstairs. Pax led the way to the back of the wide building and he reached up for some metal
stairs that were hanging high above ground. I can tell that he’s scared but he’s determined to show me
that he can do it. There’s only one reason I can think of to why he would bother, but thinking of it makes
me feel like I have a pterodactyl flying inside my stomach so I kept pushing it away.
Pax took the first step up and looked down to see if I was following. I gave him a smile for reassurance
and we made our way up.
When we finally made it up, it was too dark to see but Pax already knew the place. The ground was filled
with small grey stones and there were many chimneys all around us. Pax makes his way forward to the
far right side and I follow. He looks up at the sky with his hands on his hips and he seems relaxed now.
“The sun will raise here.” He tells me, pointing right in front of us. Then he starts to move small rocks
away from right in front of a chimney with his feet. Grey cement appears beneath it and Pax sits down
and rests his back against the red bricks of the chimney immediately. I put the bags down and I sit right
next to him. He takes out the beers and leaves me dealing with the sauce while he opens the package of
cold chicken fingers. They aren’t as delicious when they are cold but they’ll have to do.
I take the blue bowl in front of me and start pouring the contents with the plastic spoon I bought. First,
sour cream. Some mayonnaise and then just a spoonful of mustard. I mix them for a while before I add
soft feta cheese for the extra taste.
“You’re killing me.” Pax says impatiently while he watches me try to crush the soft cheese against the
bowl with my spoon. I don’t say anything but I continue working. It has been a while since I tasted this
and I can’t wait to finally eat it. But rushing will ruin it so I take my time.
I put some salt and then a lot of oregano and mix it for one last time.
“Is it ready?” Pax says like a little kid who’s dying to get his hands on his candy. I grin.
“Go ahead, try it.” I say and I admit that I am a little nervous. What if he doesn’t like it?
I watch his hand that holds a piece of meat between his fingers. I look at him dip the meat into the sauce
and then slowly put it inside his mouth. I can’t believe how nervous I feel. It’s like I’m not even
breathing.
He takes a bite and then he chews. Once. Twice.
He closes his eyes and moans. I shiver.
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“Genius!” He shouts and dips his meat on the sauce again. He likes it! I'm smiling widely now as I take
one piece of chicken finger for myself and finally taste the sauce.
I gasp and a moan escapes my throat, too. It’s so much better than I remembered it! I open my eyes to
see Pax with his chicken finger half way to his mouth, which is hanging open, and his eyes are wide as he
stares at me. I don’t know what I did to be stared at with so much intensity, but it kinda makes me feel…
warm. I'm kinda thinking about kissing him again, but this time the urge is so much stronger. I hold his
eyes because I can’t look away. Even in the dim lighting, I can see the perfect, constantly melting,
chocolate on them. I almost reach out and touch his face.
“It’s… really good. Wow.” Pax says, after a whole lot of seconds, and finally breaks eye contact,
thankfully. I was three seconds away from jumping him and I am freaked out, naturally. Before I met
him, I could never even imagine a guy putting his hands on me. I’ve tried. God knows, I’ve tried. I even
went out on a date with this one guy. I definitely didn’t want to jump him.
The things that Pax makes me feel are raw and in definite need to be tamed. I lose control every time he
looks at me. All I think about is having him near me.
“Here you go.” He says, handing me an already opened bottle of beer. The glass is almost frozen and the
beer inside cold. My fingertips are freezing immediately. I look at the honey colored liquid and the white
foam on top. They look very pretty.
“Cheers.” Pax says, leaning his bottle to me. I clink it and they make a nice sound.
“What are we drinking to?” I ask, as I keep my eyes on the bottle. You know, for safety. And I am really
excited to try my first beer.
“To us. To whatever happens at the end of this road.” He says and the way he says ‘us’, it makes me
shiver a little.
I clink his bottle with mine again. “To firsts.” I say and I put the rim to my mouth.
I lean my head back and I drink. It sparkles my mouth. I hold it in for as long as it’s needed for my taste
buds to react.
It’s strong. It smells kinda weird, like bread or something. I like it. It has this flowery taste, somewhat
bitter and then sour. I think I taste sweet, too? Not sure. Another mouthful. It’s cold. Chilling. My teeth
freeze a little. The taste is nothing like I imagined it to be. As soon as I swallow the second gulp, my
throat feels kinda open-er.
“So?” Pax asks me, sipping on his own bottle.
“It’s, um… weird.” I say with honesty and look at the cold bottle in my hand. “I like it.” I make up my
mind. Beer’s nice. It feels like tiny little explosions, cold explosions, in my mouth and down my throat.
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“Ha! To beer!” Pax says, clearly pleased and clinks my bottle with his again. I put the bottle to my lips
and I turn it up. The next second, my nostrils are filled with beer and my neck and collarbone is covered
in it. Pax laughs. I push the bottle away and look down, trying to wipe as much as I can with the back of
my palm.
“What the hell!” I shout.
“You… you don’t jostle beer! You sip it slowly!” He tells me and he continues with his laughing. I shake
my head and use the hem of my shirt to wipe my mouth and neck. I don’t notice until I am done wiping
that Pax has stopped laughing. I look up to see him holding his beer bottle so tight that his knuckles are
completely white. He looks up at me but I already know where his eyes were until now. On my stomach.
On my bare stomach. Naked stomach. Because I had my shirt up while I cleaned my mouth and I still
have it in my hands. The seconds I realize, I gasp and I push my hands down.
I feel like I’m going to explode. What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t look at Pax and I find it hard to
breath. I can feel his eyes burning on my face.
“Well, that was… something.” He says and sips his beer. I am sure I look redder than blood. I don’t
speak. I don’t breath. I just stare at my knees.
“So, tell me about your stories.” Pax says, resting against the brick and looking out into the complete
darkness.
I turn to look at him now. He’s not laughing or smiling. He’s not grinning. He’s serious. He wants to hear
about my stories again. A smile tugs at my lips but I hide it and lean back next to him. I can feel his
shoulder and arm touching mine and I feel the warmth of his skin. It suddenly seems like the air is
getting a little cold and I wonder how good it would feel it he wrapped his arm around me.
He takes the chicken fingers and bowl of sauce, and puts them on his lap. He waits patiently for me to
start. But I don’t know where to start.
The beginning, obviously. I hear a voice in my head. A voice I’ve only recently developed. A voice I had
no idea I had until I met Pax. But I listen to it. I clear my throat and I start from the beginning.
“I had the first Dream when I was fifteen. I was lying on the grass one summer afternoon and I was
looking at the sky because I had nothing better to do. I must’ve fallen asleep at some point because
when I woke up, I felt like I wasn’t lying on the grass anymore. It took me at least ten minutes to come
around and figure out what happened. I had dreams before but never like that. It was like I was seeing
inside someone’s mind. Like I was watching a movie from the inside of the screen. And I remembered
everything. Every little detail. I remembered the whole story.” I tell him, remembering that day clearly.
“At first I thought that maybe I had seen a movie but I knew I’d only seen four of those. And then I
thought it was a book. But, nope, the story was unlike anything I’d ever heard. I had the urge to write it
down, to put it on a piece of paper. And so I ran back to the house to find a pen.” I say, shaking my head
and smiling at the memory. I had been so freaked out that day.
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“And did you write it?” Pax asks me, clinging to every word I was saying. I know that he has no idea how
much this means to me. How much this makes me give him all of me, be at his service. He makes me feel
like I’m actually worth listening to.
“No. I didn’t get the chance.” I tell him, trying to not let the sadness overwhelm me.
“Why?”
I sigh. I’ve never spoken about this with anyone before, about my life. But Pax is not anyone. And maybe
it’d do me good to talk about it. I heard a costumer once say to Saw that it helps to talk about the pains
of the past. I know it’ll be impossible for me to tell everything to someone but maybe I can tell Pax. Just
a little truth.
“My father found me. I was stupid enough to tell him that I was on the yard and not in the farmhouse,
cleaning. He could tell from my eyes that I had been sleeping. I told him the farmhouse was completely
cleaned. I had worked on it all morning. But he wouldn’t hear about me sleeping. So, he beat me. And
then Timothy, my older brother came home and asked why there was no soup. I had had no time for
soup because I was busy getting beaten for taking a nap. And so he beat me again. And I fell asleep after
that. In the morning I couldn’t remember the dream anymore.” I tell him, giving him one of my stories. I
turn to look at him and he tries to hide his wide eyes and the anger I know he’s feeling. I can tell by the
way his jaw works. I’m afraid he’s going to break the beer bottle on his hand.
“Pax, I’m okay now. I don’t mind.” I tell him, trying to relax him.
“You’re not okay.” He mumbles through clenched teeth.
“I am. I have lived the life that was chosen for me. I ran away and now I’m fine.” I tell him again.
“You’re not okay! How can you be okay? You can’t!” He says, almost yelling now.
“Yes, I can. I’m not as naïve as you think I am. I just adopt. I accept. I take what is given to me. And when
I tell you I’m fine now, believe me. Because you are a poor judge, trust me.” I tell him, feeling a little
anger coursing through me, myself. This is so not what I was hoping to accomplish with my story.
“I’m not a poor judge…” Pax starts to say defensively.
“Yes, you are. You called me naïve when I told you that I don’t want my father or brothers killed or sent
to jail. That’s not naïve. That’s the only thing that keeps me sane. If I kill them or if I turn them in, then
that’ll make me just like them. And I’m his daughter, Pax! I’m his daughter and I’ve feared all my life that
I’ll be like him. Just like my brothers are like him! And if I do any of those things, I’ll just prove to myself
that I really am like them. I don’t want to be like them.” I shout, waving my hands all over.
I feel like my heart is on my throat. I’m having trouble breathing. I feel Pax’s hand take mine and he
squeezes it tightly. I want to move away but I don’t. His touch is comforting. Relaxing. So I squeeze him
back.
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“I’m sorry.” He whispers and then, as if reading my desires, he puts his arm around my shoulders and he
pulls me to him. And I let him. His other hand comes up to cup my cheek softly. It’s really cold from the
beer bottle.
“Don’t cry.” He whispers against my hair. I put my hand on my face and find it wet. I hadn’t realized I
was crying. I didn’t want to cry. Not in front of him. I take in a couple of deep breaths and I hear myself
relax against his torso. He feels mighty fine.
He keeps giving me small pecks on the top of my head.
“When I called you naïve, I didn’t mean it like that.” He tells me while his thumb traces circles on my
cheek.
“I know.” I say and I instinctively lean against his hand.
“And I want you to know that I know that feeling.” He says.
“You do?” I ask him, a little surprised.
“Yeah.” He says and giggles ironically. “My family’s pretty fucked up, too. My mother is drunk 24/7. My
father is a control freak who would do anything without care to get his way. Even step on me.”
“What do you mean?” I asked him as my curiosity stirs more and more. I lean closer against him.
“Well, there was this one time. I was eighteen. I was the best surfer in our group and they chose me to
go national. Compete against some of the best. It was like a dream to me. Until he found out. He moved
heaven and earth to get me to drop and when I wouldn’t, he tried to bribe the organizers. Good thing
they liked me but that didn’t stop him. When they said no, he falsified all of my paperwork. He went to
great lengths to do it and finally, got what he wanted. I got kicked out. And do you know what he said
when I confronted him?” He asks giggling nervously again.
“What?” I ask abruptly.
“He said that for as long as he was alive, things would be done his way. That that was just to remind me
and teach me that I can’t go against him, even if I wanted to.” He says and a familiar sting starts to
spread on my heart. All of the sudden, I find myself hating his father. I completely know how it feels like
to not be able to do anything when you’re controlled by someone. I tighten my grip around his hand. I
don’t say anything. I give him time to relax again. I know he appreciates it because I would, too.
I hear him sigh loudly and then he kisses the top of my head with a renewed force.
“So,” He says, cheerful again, “Carron…” He whispers and waits for me to react.
I laugh. I laugh because I love how he doesn’t wait for me to say I’m sorry. He knows I am. I laugh
because he is able to give me a piece of himself and then smile and turn back to joking.
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“Sorry. But you’re getting there. Keep up the good spirit.” I say punching his stomach with my fist lightly.
I didn’t expect it to feel like iron.
“I will. I definitely will. Is it Claudia?”
“Nope.”
“Cody?”
“Na-ah.”
“Clarissa?”
“No.”
“Colleen?”
“Nein.”
“Cynthia?”
“No, senor.”
“Clair.”
“Ne.”
“Coco?”
I lean away to look at his face. He’s staring intently at his beer bottle before he realizes I’m not on his
arms anymore.
“What kind of a name is Coco?” I ask him with my brows narrowed.
“Well, yeah. I heard it before.” He says shrugging but doesn’t lower his arm. He still keeps it up as if
waiting for me to get under it again. As much as I want to, I want to tease him more.
“That sounds like a dog’s name.” I joke, pretending to be irritated.
“… yeah. It’s actually a pretty cool name for a dog.” He says nodding his head. “But on second thought,
I’d rather choose a cat name for you than a dog’s.” He says and my mouth falls open. He just called me a
cat. Without even realizing, I hit him with my fist on his chest. It’s a pathetic punch but still.
He laughs and grabs my wrist, pulling me to him with one small tug. I fall against his chest. He’s so close
and neither one of us is laughing anymore. I think he can clearly hear the beating of my heart in the
silence of the night. It’s pounding inside my chest.
I should’ve just leaned against him under his shoulder. But then again, I’m glad I didn’t.
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The chocolate in his eyes looks warm and sweet and delicious. Inviting. My eyes find his lips. They’re a
combination of peach and white sand that has lined the outside of his mouth to perfection. I pull my
hand up and I touch his bottom lip with the tip of my finger. The small circle that’s right between his lips,
right in the middle, opens as he gasps at my touch.
I feel his hand on my cheek but I don’t look up. I am mesmerized by his lips. They look painted with the
best lip stick color there is. And they look swollen. And I want to try them out. His fingers trace my cheek
and my temple, my nose and eyebrow. He stops at the corner of my lips.
“I don’t know what your name is, but I want to kiss you right now, so badly.” He whispers and his breath
blows on my face, making me shiver.
My mouth is completely dry. I want to say ‘yes, please, kiss me’ but I’m frozen. He looks at me and I
hope that he can see how much I want and need his lips on mine.
“I’m going to kiss you. You can kill me afterwards but I’m kissing you now.” He says and before I have
the chance to smile, he brings his lips to mine.
For a second, everything stands still. There’s no time or space. No nothing. I don’t breath. My heart
doesn’t beat.
And then, everything hits me, all at once. So many colors and so many lights in front of my eyes leave
the carnival to shame. Every cell of my body is aware of his lips touching me. Every one of them is
drooling. I push my head against him to let him know that it’s okay. That he has to keep going or I will
die if I don’t have the whole kiss. He moans when I press against him harder. I don’t know where this is
coming from. I don’t know where I learned to put my arms around his neck and to pull him to me and I
don’t know where I learned to make the sounds I’m making when his strong arms grab my body and
leave not a single hair of space in between us. It must be some kind of a female instinct thing or
something. Because I sure have never done this before.
He pulls away from my lips for a second and he’s breathing like he’s been racing. He doesn’t let go of me
but he finds my eyes. His look like they are about to eat me by just looking at me. Everything inside me
melts.
“Tell me if you want me to stop.” He whispers and I can see the urge in him. I open my mouth to tell him
that he can stop only if he wants to but he pushes his forehead to mine and whispers: “Please don’t tell
me to stop.”
He has his eyes squeezed shut and I somehow know that this is hard for him. I respect him for it that
much more. And then, I kiss him. I lean my head down and find his lips again, only to hear that numb
sound come out of his throat. It says so much of what he wants to me.
His mouth opens and the next second, I can feel his tongue sliding on the surface of my lips. A little panic
starts to wash over me because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should just stand still and let
him do it or if I should mirror his actions. I part my lips a little and his tongue slides easily inside my
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mouth. This time, I let out a cry. The feeling that it gives me is complete and utter bliss. I forget all about
panic. My feelings tell me exactly what to do. I open my mouth wide for him and I touch my tongue to
his. All I can see is light and bright colors in front of my eyes even, though my eyes are closed. I can feel
his hands move around my back as he lets out sounds of pleasure that come from deep within him. I
push my tongue against his mouth and he lets me take my time with exploring. I don’t think I’ve ever
tasted something so perfect. So purely fulfilling. He grazes my bottom lip with his teeth and I graze his
upper one immediately. It feels so good that I want to bite it off and chew on it forever. I pull it in my
mouth and suck it until he makes me let go because it’s his turn to explore me. His lips take mine
completely inside his mouth. I push my hands on his hair and tug at them between with my fingers. He
moans again in pure pleasure and I melt a little more. He let me have my way with him for a second
only, before he starts to kiss my cheeks, and then my nose, my eyes, one at a time, my temple, my
forehead and then back down again to my chin. The second his lips trace the line of my jaw and reach
the skin right below my ear, my back arches and I let out a scream. I don’t know what it is about that
place but it makes something burn within me and from what I can see this far, it’s insatiable. He puts my
earlobe inside his mouth and his teeth craze it just a little too hard. I’m far away in the land of dreams
now.
I don’t know for how long we stood there against the chimney kissing but I don’t care. As far as I'm
concerned, we’ll never stop. Everything in my head was clear from the second my lips touched his. No
noise, not tangled lines… no fear. No memories. I had no idea how much I thought about my life in
Wisconsin until Pax kissed me. Only when my mind was completely emptied by him, I realized that I
spend probably a good fifty percent of my brain cells trained on the three of them. But being held by Pax
and holding him, it took it all away. I knew for a fact that it was going to become an addiction.
Somewhere along the way, after God knows how long, Pax stops kissing me and leans a little back.
“We should stop.” He whispers in a deep, husky voice. It immediately becomes my favorite voice in the
world. I’m so taken by him, so completely over flown by him, even more so when he kisses me again
right after he says we should stop.
“Really, we do. I won’t be able to control myself any longer.” He whispers and kisses me again. I
immediately realize what he means and I feel him. I feel him hard and ready against my right thigh. It
makes me hot all over again and feelings down low I never knew existed, become vivid all of the sudden.
“Yeah.” I whisper against his mouth because I understand that we need to stop. I had my first kiss
tonight and I feel good but doing other things, going further, I was going to need more time for that. My
whole body freezes. Every ounce of excitement that up until the last second made me feel like I’m flying,
disappears, leaving me cold and sad. Because, as much as I think I’ll just need time, I know it’s close to
impossible to happen. I can’t even begin to imagine being with Pax like that. He’s touch and kisses are
strong but the memories from the last three years of my life in Wisconsin are stronger. I slowly start to
lean away. He grabs my face and holds me in front of him. The wild desire in his eyes just breaks my
heart even more. But he smiles at me. He smiles a dreamy smile and I know it’s just for me. It almost
makes me feel special. I can’t help but smile for him, too, despite the feelings inside of me.
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His chocolate eyes look into mine and I slowly start to lose myself in them. I look at them like they are
the answer to everything. We just stand there staring at each other for a while.
Pax kisses my forehead after a few minutes but doesn’t let me get away. He pulls me into his shoulder
again and wraps his arms tightly around me. I casually wipe a tear that leaves my eye unannounced.
I’m high. Literally. But not high like when I smoke pot. High, like literally above ground. High like I just
said ‘Fuck you, gravity’ and it worked. The feeling of her, her honey smell, her smooth, satin skin are all I
can think and feel right now. I’ve got her right here in my arms and I’ve never felt more a man than I do
tonight.
I even feel a little pride. I don’t think anyone else in the damn world has ever experienced a kiss like this.
It was mind blowing. I could see pieces of my blown mind in my head, literally. I close my eyes and relive
every second of the past hour. We’ve been kissing for a fucking hour and I felt like they were five
seconds. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of kissing her. I could kiss her to eternity. But, my mind has other
plans. It keeps wondering, if kissing her feels so goddamn amazing, incredible and, and… just amazing,
then how will it be to have her? To claim her as mine? Because that’s what she is, from now on. Mine. I
will never let her go.
I look up at the sky and thank whoever hears me about every fucked up thing I’ve had to endure in my
life. Because every one of those things led to this moment. And this moment should be written in
history. The feeling of her lips, her tongue…
And then, when she grabbed my hair and pulled? Seriously, how can a simple gesture that I’ve tried so
many times with many other women be so goddamn sexy? So sexy that just thinking about it makes me
hard again. I kiss her head as if somehow that will take away some of my desire. Hell if I know how I was
able to stop myself.
I think it’s probably the fact that she’s just so fragile. She’s strong but fragile at the same time. She’s
different. She’s special. She’s my own miracle, I think. I don’t want to ruin it all by sleeping with her
immediately. All though, just imagine what it would be like… Or don’t. Seriously, mind, don’t go there.
Because, what if she regrets it? What if she doesn’t like me after? Just the thought of it makes me want
to puke my guts all over. I will not let that happen. Ever. I will be the best possible version of myself for
her. I will try my hardest. I’ve never tried for anything else in my life except for my car but I will try for
her. I will do it for her. She’s so worth it.
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Chapter 8
I couldn’t go past the second beer. I fell asleep twice in Pax’s shoulder before he finally called it a night,
or morning, rather, and took me to my room. I like beer but beer obviously makes you very sleepy. Or,
maybe it was the fact that after our kiss, I felt completely spent and couldn’t move a muscle anymore.
Pax had to drag me after he offered to carry me in his arms and I refused. The idea was tempting but I
didn’t want to push things. Kissing him was enough for one night. I can’t believe I’m actually looking
forward to the next.
But no matter what happens tomorrow, I am experiencing another first. A first I dreamed of so many
nights in my life. A first I never thought could be achieved by a boy, an amazing, gorgeous boy named
Pax. I sleep with a smile on my face.
My door bangs loudly. I let out a sleepy moan.
“Get up, sleeping beauty.” I hear Pax calling me. My eyes pop open the next second. I am already
grinning and feel the giddies. I jump from the bed and run to the door. The second I open it and see Pax,
freshly showered shaved and dressed, I remember that I must look like a freaking alien. I never cared
about how I look like before but last night changed things. Last night changed me.
Pax’s face breaks into a smile while he takes all of me in. I immediately put my hands on my hair to try
and smooth it down.
“Fuck.” He says, grinning. I roll my eyes. I know I look like shit but he doesn’t have to rub it in. And I’m
about to say so when he speaks.
“You’re the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” He says and leaves my mouth hanging open.
“Oh.” I manage. I am sure my face looks flushed. I am flustered.
“Oh, indeed.” He says nodding his head and giving me a mischievous grin that makes my knees shake. I
have to hold on to the doorknob, just in case. The things he does to my insides are just new and very,
very upsetting.
“I, um… need a shower.” I finally say and I try to look away from him but his face is just too perfect. I’m
staring bluntly at him.
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“I’ll be waiting by the car. Don’t take too long.” He tells me and starts to walk away but after two steps,
he thinks better of it and turns back. He grabs my face on his hands and analyzes me for a few seconds. I
am completely frozen except for my fingers and knees. They’re shaking like an earthquake.
He finally gives me a warm, lingering kiss on my forehead and lets me go. “Actually, you have ten
minutes only.” He says grinning.
“Ten is all I need.” I say in a breath with a shrug.
He nods. “I’ll be waiting.” He says and then he leaves but doesn’t come back. I close the door to my
motel room and lean against it. My whole body feels like jelly. What is this? How can he make me feel
this? A laugh escapes me. I don’t know how but I like it. In fact, I already miss him. I run to the small
bathroom.
I’ve never taken a faster shower in my life. I’m hurrying like my life depends on it because I can’t wait to
see Pax. When I’m finally dressed in my only other pair of jeans, because the ones from yesterday are a
dusty mess, and in a bright orange – reddish t-shirt, I actually take the time to check myself in the
mirror. What I see there surprises me. My face is holding a big, bright smile. I look so different. If I’m not
mistaken I look more colorful, but that doesn’t even make sense. I lean in closer to check my eyes. They
don’t look so devilish anymore. They’re just… smiling. And my hair! It looks so different and shiny.
“Hello there.” I say to myself in the mirror. Seriously, though, who am I and what has Pax done to me?
But I like it. I grin.
“I do like it.” I say to myself again and without bothering to even look for a blow drier, I run through the
door. I take the stairs two at a time. I find Pax’s Mustang and him leaning against the hood carelessly. He
shines. Literally. My hair is dripping wet but once he sees me and smiles, I don’t care.
“9 minutes and 44 seconds.” He says, teasing me obviously. He couldn’t have counted the minutes.
Could he?
“I told you I don’t need more.” I say, leaning against the car next to him. He turns to me and inhales
deeply. I think he’s sniffing me. I panic. What if I don’t smell good? But I remember that I just had a
shower so I couldn’t possible smell bad. Could I? I try to inhale deeply without being noticed. Nope,
everything looks fine.
“We’ll get to California today.” He says and I can hear a little sadness and disappointment in his voice.
My heart does a double take. I never thought to ask him how much it would take to get there. But
somehow, I thought that this trip was going to last, at least for a couple of more days. I look to the side
and watch his dark jeans and deep green shirt that hugs his body perfectly. Even without looking up at
his face, he is stunning.
“I don’t want to taint the day with bad thoughts so we’ll talk about that when we get there.” He says
and as much as I don’t want to, I know we need to talk about it. I need to talk about it but he presses his
finger against my lips and I forget how to breathe.
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“Now. About last night…” He starts and then stops, scratching his head. This time, I need to look at him.
Yup, I was right. The shirt makes his eyes look even better, more liquid. I’m hanging on to hear his next
words like they’re my water in the desert. I can’t help it.
Suddenly, a terrible thought crosses my mind. What if he thinks that it was a mistake? An impulse, or
something? What if he lied and he tells me he has a girlfriend? Ouch, it hurts just thinking about it. What
the hell will I do then?
What you always did. You adapt. I tell myself in my head. I nod. I’m right. I look up at him again and this
time, I’m almost ready for rejection. It has been a very big part of my life for eighteen years, anyway. It
shouldn’t be hard.
It will be.
Shut up.
“I wanted you to know that last night was crazy.” He says and I hold on for what’s coming next. “It was
childish and stupid and… I threw eggs at some guys heads!” He continues and he stops to laugh a little.
“I can’t really explain it to you because I’m not so good with words but I can tell you that it was the best
night of my life.” He says and fireworks explode in my chest. He doesn’t think it was a mistake.
“It was?” I hear myself asking. I just need to double check.
He nods and steps in front of me. “Hell, yeah. It was everything I always wanted but never asked for.
And kissing you… it was absolutely the best kiss I’ve ever had.” He says and I think he’s blushing a little
now. He looks away and I smile brightly. It’s impossible how adorable he looks with a little scarlet on his
cheeks.
“So?” He asks, turning to face me abruptly. “Aren’t you, um… going to say anything?” He asks and I can
tell he’s a nervous mess right now. He wants to know how I feel. Well, I would have to write a whole
story about the kiss and I’m not sure there are enough words in the dictionary to help me create the
image I have in my mind, the feelings I feel when I think of it. But what he said wrapped it up pretty
good. I don’t know where I get the guts but I lean in and I put my hand on his cheek. He’s a good head
taller than me so I have to look up.
“It was the best kiss I’ve ever had, too.” I say and he smiles, turning his head to kiss the palm of my
hand. “The first and best.”
With this he stops, freezes and his eyes grow wide. He grabs my hand in his and stares at me. I don’t
know what I did or if I said something wrong so I just look back at him and say nothing. Another minute
passes. Two. I’m beginning to get impatient. Ha! Another first.
“What?” I finally ask in a whisper because I can’t take the silence anymore.
“You’re… are you… you’re saying that you’ve never kissed a guy before?” He asks, stuttering.
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I shake my head in confusion. “No. You’re the first. What are you thinking?” I ask because I don’t know
what the big deal is. I think I did pretty good up there on the roof. Unless, I didn’t…
“Never. Not one guy kissed you but me. Only me. Not anyone else before me. In nineteen years?” He
asks and the doubt in his eyes makes me flinch. Of course he wouldn’t believe it. Who would? But I told
him before that everybody else’s normal is not my normal.
“No. Only you.” I tell him and despite the fact that I tell myself that it’s okay for him to feel weird about
it, it still hurts. I look down at my shoes and try to free my hand from his. He doesn’t let me.
“Hey. That came out completely wrong. What I mean is that I can’t believe that someone as
unbelievable as you has never been kissed before. It’s… crazy. It’s… I’m the first guy you’ve ever kissed
and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in my life!” He shouts, leaving my mouth, once again, hanging
open. I don’t know what to think.
“I thought that…” I start to say but he stops me again and frames my face with his hands.
“I know what you thought. And as much as it is hard for me to believe that I’d ever be that lucky, I know
you wouldn’t lie to me. Not for something like this.” He tells me and the look on his face almost brings
me to tears. I think I see admiration in his eyes.
“I would never lie to you.” I promise him and I promise to myself to keep that promise forever. He is the
only person in the whole world who deserves it. Maybe I am naïve for believing in his words. I’ve read
enough to know that guys lie. But the melted chocolate spinning in his eyes around his iris tells me every
word that came out of his mouth is a truth. And I trust my gut.
He takes me in his arms and hugs me, tightly. This time, I don’t feel uncomfortable at all. I feel like I
belong. I’ve changed so much in just one day. He changed me so much in just hours. Made me a better
version of myself. I will never forget that. I squeeze my arms tight around his waist. I never want to let
go.
“Welcome to Oakland, California!” Pax says with excitement as we make our way through the streets of
a place that looks so different from Bronx. Everything seems to be in its place and the buildings are
amazing. There’s this one that’s made entirely of blue glass. I look up to see that it goes way too long up,
just like I thought. I see the City of Hall and the City Center, from what Pax tells me and there’s so much
less people walking on the streets than in Bronx. I think I like Oakland, California. And it has that smell of
salt and water.
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I keep silent the whole time while Pax tells me the places and the names of the buildings. The heavy
weight that has settled on my heart is taking all of my excitement away. I’m finally here. And that means
that Pax doesn’t have to stick with me anymore. Now I’ll be on my own again but strangely, I don’t care
that I’ll have to walk around the streets looking for an apartment and a job alone. I don’t mind that I’ll
probably end up sleeping on the streets for a night or two, or worse, that my roommate might be a
serial killer. I don’t mind that I have to start from the beginning in a completely new place without the
slightest idea of how to do anything.
All I care about is not having Pax near anymore.
I can’t keep talking to her. I’m nervous and my palms are sweating. She doesn’t say anything while I give
her a tour. I don’t know if she likes it here or not.
I don’t know if she’ll accept my proposition or not.
I taste bile in my mouth and it makes me flinch. What if she says no? What if she thinks that now that
we’re here, we can’t see each other anymore? Not that we’re seeing each other or anything. But I’d like
that, very much. In fact, the thought of not seeing her anymore feels like I’m being strangled and I can’t
breathe.
I have it bad. So fucking bad. And I have no idea what to do. And then, what if she says yes and I mess it
up? I wouldn’t be surprised. I haven’t had a relationship with a girl without thinking of how to get her in
bed ever before. I definitely think about taking her to bed but I want to just stick around her more. I
want to be with her because it just feels good. So easy to talk to her and so good to hold her. My heart is
pounding in my chest as I make the turn to enter the parking lot. I have no idea how she’s going to react
and I’m silently praying – me, praying! – that she accepts. I don’t know what the fuck I’ll do if she
doesn’t.
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Chapter 9
Pax stops the car in some kind of a parking lot. In front of us there’s a building around ten stories high
with a nice beige color. I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat and I keep my hands under my
thighs. I don’t want him to see my fingers shaking. It’s time to say the thank you’s and goodbye’s.
Why do I want to cry?
I swallow hard again and make myself get over it. There’s no escaping this so sooner’s better than later. I
want to turn and look at him but I can’t. I’m sure I’ll start crying and I’ll save the tears for later, when I’m
alone. I inhale deeply and I start.
“Pax, thank you for everything. I… don’t know if I can ever thank you enough for saving me back there
and then for bringing me here.” I say and I hate it that my voice is weak, two seconds away from
breaking.
“You’ve already thanked me more than you can imagine. I think I’m the one that needs to say thank
you.” He says and my head turns abruptly to face him. What is he talking about? How have I thanked
him? He’s staring out the window ahead but I don’t think he’s seeing anything.
“I know that we just met one week ago. I know one week is just too short a time to know someone but I
think I do know you and I want to know you more. I know you probably want to be on your own and go
on with life but…” He says and then he sighs, and turns to look at me. He touches my cheek with his
hand and I try my hardest not to start crying right now. I hold my breath. “Stay with me.” He whispers.
The chocolate in his eyes looks troubled, dark. His words repeat in my mind over and over again until I
finally grasp their meaning. He wants me to stay with him. He thinks that I want to be on my own.
He wants me to stay with him.
How the hell did I get so lucky to have met him? My chest is exploding right now. I’m a second away
from saying ‘yes, please’ when the explosion stops. I can’t stay with him. He’s already done so much for
me. I can’t take advantage of him any more than I already have.
“I, I can’t…” I start to say but he stops me.
“I know it’s crazy. I swear, it sounds insane to me, too! But I don’t want to let you go. Please, just for a
while. I have an apartment and it has an extra bedroom. I swear to you, it’ll be like living with a friend.
I’ll never do something you don’t want to. I… I…” He stops and shakes his head. I don’t know what to
say. I’m struck speechless. I don’t know what to do. I know what I want to do but I don’t know what is
the right thing to do. I open my mouth but no sound comes out.
“Just, stay with me, please. Just until you get settled. Until you find a job and an apartment of your own.
I’ll help you.” He goes on and I can see the insecurity in his eyes.
I gather a little strength I have left to speak. “I want to stay with you, Pax, but…” Again, he stops me.
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“Oh, God! I thought I’d never hear you say that.” He says and he leans back on his seat and rubs his
palms against his face. I can’t believe he thought that I didn’t want to stay with him. I don’t think I’ve
ever wanted to stay with someone more.
“But, I can’t. It’s unfair. You’ve already spent too much on me. I can’t live with you in your apartment
and eat your food and… I can’t.” I say, shaking my head and trying to calm down the part of me that
wants to kick me in the face for not saying yes right away.
“What’s unfair is you leaving. That’s unfair to me.” Pax says and he grabs my hands in his. They’re still
shaking but so are his. He looks at me like he’s expecting the verdict on his life.
Oh, God, what am I going to do?! I want to stay with him so much! He’s been so perfect the whole time
and everything he says is just right, nothing more and nothing less. I shouldn’t take advantage of him.
What if he doesn’t like me anymore when I live with him and then he’ll feel bad to say so?
And he’ll help find a job and apartment. I won’t be on my own. But on my own is the only way I know
how to be. And, despite his words, I’ll be a burden to bear for him. But he said that it’ll be unfair to him
if I left. And he said he’s not good with words…
“Okay.” I hear myself whisper. I have no idea where that came from.
“Okay?!” Pax says, looking as surprised as I am. He pulls my chin up and makes me look at him. He’s
pure excitement. The smile in his face compares to nothing I have seen so far.
Fuck it, I allow myself to say. If he’s as happy as I am to say yes, than it can’t possibly be wrong, right? I
don’t know but the look of his face doesn’t let me care.
“Okay.” I say again and I smile genuinely for him.
The next second, he brings his lips to mine abruptly and kisses me. Like my arms have their own
thoughts, they immediately fly around his neck and I pull him to me. He lets out a loud moan of relief
and he deepens the kiss until every hair of my body is standing up and my fingers and toes are
completely curled. He brings me closer to him but it’s still not close because we’re in a car. His hands are
on my head, on my back and on my arms, leaving fire with every caress. I suck on his tongue and play
with his lips in between my teeth and I think I’m the one moaning in pleasure now. Every cell in my body
is vibrating.
If not for anything else, than only for his kisses, saying ‘okay’ was completely worth it. He should’ve just
kissed me before he asked. I would’ve said yes right that second. His lips are heaven. My own heaven.
He kisses my cheeks and my eyes and my forehead and hair, and he pulls me into his embrace, holding
me tightly. I rest my head under his neck and I feel like I’m flying. I don’t want to open my eyes.
“Thank you.” He whispers against my hair and my smile grows wider against his chest.
Thank you. I mouth to him but I don’t say it out loud. I don’t want anything to ruin this moment.
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She said okay. She fucking said okay! I can’t believe how I’m feeling right now. I can’t believe how high I
am. It’s like everything I’ve ever dreamed of multiplied by a hundred. I feel like crying but of course, I
don’t. I’m a man for God’s sake! Fuck me if I’m not entirely transformed into a chick. And somehow, she
doesn’t fit into ‘chicks’. But I love it. I love everything that’s happening in me right now that I’m holding
her in my arms. She smells so heavenly and I’m sniffing. I don’t care. Let her think I’m weird. I am weird
right now. Pretty fucking weird. And I don’t give a shit. She’s staying with me and I’ll get to see her, hear
her and smell her all day long. I think I’ll postpone my days off for a few weeks. I can’t get enough of her.
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Chapter 10
Pax doesn’t let me carry my bag even though it’s really not that heavy. He keeps both mine and his on
one hand and he holds my hand with the other. I’m a mess. I’m nervous and excited and happy and a
little guilty, all at the same time. He takes me around the big beige building and he enters inside. The
lobby looks very pretty. Everywhere I look there’s marble. I’m not used to places like this so I tell myself
it’s okay to stare and take everything in.
Pax takes us to the elevator and we wait. I don’t dare look up at him but I know he’s smiling just like I
am. I feel like everything is moving in fast forward mode. Is this it? Do bad situations always move in
slow motion and good things just feel like they fly by so fast? The elevator clings open. Pax drags me
inside. He presses number seven and then he puts his arms around me and pulls me to him.
I let out a sigh of relief. As long as he keeps me here, I think everything will be okay.
“There’s plenty of space in my apartment. I hope you’ll like it. It’s not much but I think it’s okay enough.
It has a balcony…” He starts to mumble and this time I stop him.
“I don’t care what the apartment is like. I already like it.” I tell him and I rest my cheek against his shirt.
He squeezes me tighter against him and kisses my hair just as the elevator doors open. The hallway in
front of us is long and painted in almost the same color as outside. The marble ground clings when we
make our way through the doors on both sides. Exactly five doors.
Pax stops at the last door on the hallway. He lets go of me and drops the bags in front of our feet. He
reaches for his key and turns to smile at me before he opens the door. We both freeze when we hear
voices from the inside. I thought he said he lived alone. Pax turns to look at me with narrowed brows
and he takes the bags from the floor.
“Come on.” He tells me and he walks inside. I hesitate. I don’t know if I can walk in a room full of people.
What if he lives with his family? Pax stops to look at me and I reluctantly walk inside and close the door.
The corridor is wide and only a few steps long. I follow him with my head down until we make it to the
first door on the right. Once Pax walks in, the voices stop abruptly. I stay behind him.
“What the fuck is going on here?” Pax says and I’ve never hear him sound so… serious. I think he’s angry.
Everything about him changed in the last seconds. His shoulders are more rigid and his arms look bigger
somehow. He’s holding his head high and I can bet his brows are narrowed even though I can’t see his
face.
“Pax! My man!”
“Hi, Pax.” A female voice says. My stomach turns.
“What’s up Pax, good to see you.” Some other guy.
Pax steps further inside and I stay where I am. I don’t look up. I feel nausea. Someone walks toward Pax
and I see his fist bumping with Pax shoulders.
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“Where have you been, man? You just went up and left without a word?”
“What the hell are you doing here, Ash?” Pax says through clenched teeth.
“Relax.” The boy – Ash, says. “You said we could use your apartment if we need it.”
“Use it! Not fucking live in it! What the fuck is wrong with you?” Pax explodes and he drops the bags on
the floor, stepping further inside. Making me completely visible to the room. I take a deep breath and
look up.
The boy, Ash, is looking at Pax like he’s lost him mind. He has brown hair cropped short and I think his
jeans are about to drop from so low on his hips. Inside, another guy is sitting on a cream colored recliner
and then three girls, beautiful, more undressed than dressed, girls. They all have drinks in their hands
and are smiling seductively at Pax. He looks mad.
“Well, well, well. You brought us company! Hello there.” Ash says when he finally sees me and
immediately, all the eyes in the room turn to me. Ash comes toward me and looks at me from top to
bottom with his brow raised. And then he whispers.
“Damn, man. You always get the best.” He says to Pax, whose fists are white on his sides as he looks at
his friend.
“Come here.” Ash says and wants to put his arm around me. I jump back. I panic. He scares the hell out
of me. My whole body’s shaking. I can’t let him touch me.
“Hey! Back the fuck off.” Pax yells at Ash and comes in front of me to push him back.
“Jeez, relax, man. She’s just a chick.” He tells him.
“Don’t make me beat the shit out of you, Ash. Get the fuck out.” Pax yells and the girls start to make
sounds of complains.
“Dude, we’ve got girls and booze. Chill. It’s a fucking welcome home party.” Ash says and he makes an
attempt to get close to Pax again.
“Get. The Fuck. Out!” Pax shouts. I’ve never seen him like this before. He looks like someone else. Even
the lines on his face have changed. I don’t know who he is. Panic consumes all of me. I can’t believe I’ve
let this happen.
“Pax, come on, man…” Ash tries again but this Pax, this very big and very dangerous looking Pax, won’t
hear it.
“Give me your key and get out of here now. All of you!” He tells them and looks at the other boy and the
girls sitting in the living room.
They sigh and complain but Pax doesn’t care. He turns to look at me and his eyes are way too dark to
remind me of chocolate now. He holds his hand to me and I think I see a little glimpse of the Pax I know
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in his face and I walk to him to take his hand. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Pax steps back from the
door to let the others leave. The girls are wearing their shoes and I keep wondering how the hell they
can stand in heels that high. They look like toothpicks!
“What the hell happened, man? We’re you’re friends and you’re kicking us out?” Ash says, coming close
to Pax and whispering.
“You taking advantage of my place happened. Give me the damn key, Ash.” Pax tells him and puts his
hand in front of him.
“You serious?” Ash asks, looking down at his hand.
“The key, Ash!” Pax warns. The boy looks at him for a few more seconds and then reaches out for his
back pocket, cursing under his breath. He drops a key on Pax’s palm and he steps back.
“Don’t know what the fuck is wrong man, but I hope you get out of it soon. We’re having a party
tomorrow night. My place. Bring little miss pretty here, too.” Ash says and turns to wink at me with a
grin, and makes my heart crazy inside of my chest. I don’t even want to see him again. Pax lets go of my
hand and walks to Ash and grabs his arm.
“Get the hell out of here before I break your face.” He tells him and I can see the fear clear in Ash’s face.
He’s scared of Pax and so is everyone else. They’re all looking down at their feet now. When Pax steps
back holding Ash’s eyes, everyone slides behind him and to the door without a word.
“Shit.” Ash says shaking his head but doesn’t say anything else. He turns to follow the others and the
next thing we hear is the door closing.
“Are you okay?” Pax asks me. He’s transformed now into the Pax I know. I look up at him in confusion.
“Who were they?” I ask him even though Ash called them his friends.
“Just some guys I hang out with. I made the mistake of giving him the key and look what happens.” He
says sighing and looking around him. The place is really a mess. Beer bottles everywhere, unwashed
dishes on the sink of the kitchen that is on the far right corner. Dust everywhere.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know they were here.” He says turning to me and I can clearly make out the
chocolate in his eyes now.
“I know, I was just… the guy, when he…” I start to say but I don’t know how to formulate the sentence
without sounding insane. I don’t want to tell him how scared I am of men. The fact that I let him touch
me and kiss me is still a mystery to me. I never let any other guy touch me. Ever.
“He’s a jerk. I should’ve just kicked his ass. He scared you, didn’t he?” He says and he grabs my hand to
walk over to the sofa. He sits down and pulls me next to him. He must’ve seen the fear in my eyes. It
was pretty obvious how I jerked back when he wanted to touch me. I just nod.
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“Well, he won’t ever do it again. I promise, okay? Not him, not anyone.” He tells me and he makes me
look up at him. I look at his eyes and I know he means it. I know his promise is real. And it makes the
weight on my shoulders so much lighter. I’ve never had someone protect me before. Not once. And
somehow, when he says it, the same way that I can touch him without freaking out, I accept and like it.
So I nod.
He smiles at me and kisses my forehead and just like that, the fear from earlier is gone. His lips must
have magic in them, I swear. It’s just not normal how my body reacts to them.
He stands and looks around and I stand with him.
“The place needs cleaning. I’ll call the cleaning lady.” Pax says and wants to reach for his phone.
“No, I’ll clean.” I tell him.
“No, you won’t. There’s a cleaning lady that always comes.”
“No. You’re not calling her. I’m cleaning.” I tell him and I like the determination in my voice.
“You don’t have to…”
“I want to. It’s the least I can do and I’m doing it. Just let me.” I tell him and my face must’ve looked
pretty serious because he smiles and nods.
“Okay. We’ll clean it together. But first, a tour.” He says and he takes my hands to walk me around like a
little girl. But I like being a little girl if it means having him hold me all the time. I am a very, very little girl
right now.
I can’t believe the jerk. I give him the keys and what? He brings girls to sleepover. I can’t believe I let him
go without a punch in the face. But I didn’t want her to see me like that. It was bad enough that she saw
me for who I am around people in my life in California. She’s never seen me in my reality. My normal.
I’m going to have to try to hide that part of me as much as I can. It won’t be easy. I’m like that because I
have to be, around the people I know. Because if I am always like I am with Miranda or her, everyone
will step on me. I’ll just have to see them as little as possible.
“This is the bathroom.” I tell her and I open the white door. The room is big. The only reason why I
decided to go in over my head and buy the place. I like a spacious bathroom. Only now is covered in
dirty clothes and vomit. I’m going to fucking kill Ash.
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“Over here’s my bedroom.” I tell her and we move to the door across from the bathroom. I hope they
haven’t touched my room. Otherwise I’m going to have to go and kill him right now.
I open the door and I sigh in relief. It’s exactly as I left it. My bed and dark green sheets are untouched.
The clothes are folded from the last time Angela was here. She sure can clean, that woman.
She steps inside in front of me and looks around. The look on her beautiful face is curious. I don’t know
what she’s looking for but I hope she likes it. I see a smile tug at her lips and mine already takes place in
my face.
“It’s nice.” She says with a nod.
“Nice?!” I say dramatically, playing hurt. “Are you kidding me? It’s a master piece! Look at this huge bed.
Look at the wooden frame. And, have you seen my closet?” I say waving my hands and I walk over to the
door across my bed. I walk in and turn the light on, showing her the small space filled with hangers.
“Taraaa!” I say, exaggerating. She giggles that sweet sound.
“This is where this miracle happens.” I tell her, waving my hands up and down my body. “This is the
dream land where every woman in the world wishes to be!” I shout waving at my room.
She’s laughing now.
“Please, go on. I can’t believe I haven’t fainted yet.” She says through her laugh. God, I like this girl. I like
her sense of humor. I like everything that comes out of her mouth but I like her mouth more. I like that I
can be stupid around her and she doesn’t think less of me. She goes and sits on the corner of my bed
and a picture where we’re lying together on it makes its way to the center of my mind. I can see myself
holding her naked body, touching her satin skin and kissing those lips that I think are made just for me.
I’m the luckiest sonovabitch alive to have been the only one to kiss her.
“And the windows! When the sun shines bright in the sky, it reserves the best rays only for this room.
The carpet, the lush, soft carpet gets to you once your bare feet step on it.” I kick my sneakers off and
then my socks.
“Oh, incredible.” I say curling my toes as if the carpet was a miracle.
“And, you’ve already touched the sheets.” I run to her and put my hands on the bed. “Fine Egyptian
cotton. Feel it.” I tell her. She’s laughing again but she stops to touch the sheets.
“Oh, yeah. I know Egyptian cotton when I see it. Mmhmm.” She says nodding her head. I want to eat
her, but of course, I don’t.
“And this,” I go over to the pillows, “is where God’s own master piece…sleeps.” I finish dramatically. She
starts to applaud. I bow down to her.
“Thank you, thank you. I’m amazing, I know. Thank you.” I tell her with every bow.
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“My stars must have aligned tonight to have gifted me with such a wonderful gift. Being in your
presence.” She says and her face is red because she’s trying as hard as I am to not laugh. “I will never
look at the world the same way.” She ends and bows her head before we let go and laugh loudly.
We finally stop laughing. I can’t get enough air through my mouth. I wonder what the guys we found in
his apartment, and the girls, would think if they saw him acting like this. I don’t know but it’s damn
funny to me.
“And this is your room from now on.” He tells me and wakes up the wild animals inside my stomach. My
room. He opens the white wooden door at the end of the hallways right next to his and we step inside.
The room is white. Really, it’s all white. The bed is a little smaller than Pax’s and it’s covered in white
sheets. The curtains are white. The carpet is milky white. The wooden frame of the bed is white. The
closet door is white. The door is white. All, everything. White.
It takes my breath away.
“You like it?” He asks me but I don’t speak. I walk around the room and I let my eyes feast on the
beautiful, large space. So much space! I’ve never had this much space all to myself.
“It’s…” I start to say but can’t find a word. “Beautiful.” That’ll have to do. And too much for me. But I
don’t say that because I know he’d argue.
I know he’d argue. I know him. Wow.
“No one’s ever used it. Well, at least not since I got the place. But I hear an old woman died here, right
on this bed. You might wanna say your prayers before you go to sleep.” He says, grinning.
“Or, since I’m such a gentleman, you can share my bed if you get scared because her ghost starts
haunting you. Just sayin’…” He says innocently with a shrug.
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I say playfully.
“Who, me? No, absolutely not! A beautiful girl sleeping on my bed? What’s to like there? Pff..” He says
waving his hand in front of his face. I think the only word I caught from what he said is that he referred
to me as a beautiful girl. Shit, I’m such a girl. But I’m grinning and my arms are covered in goose bumps.
Pax winks at me and I feel so much different then when Ash winked at me. I feel warm and fuzzy. He
walks over to the closet and opens it. The room is smaller than his and it’s filled with empty drawers and
hangers. I’ll never be able to fill it with the clothes I have. But I don’t mind. I have an amazing room.
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“Well?” Pax asks.
“It’s… wow. It’s perfect. Thank you so much.” I say, unable to find any other word. “Thank you.” I repeat.
It’ll never be enough to say it to him.
“You’re very welcome.” He says, pleased. “Now let’s order some pizza, Crystal.” He says, raising his
brows while he waits.
“No. And we’re cleaning.” I tell him, cutting his amusement half way.
“Damn. Candy? And we’ll clean tomorrow.” He says.
“No. Is that even a name? And we should clean tonight.”
“I’m pretty sure I’ve heard it somewhere. And tonight we order in, watch a move and sleep. We clean
tomorrow.” He says and we get up to go to the living room.
“Cara?” I shake my head. “Cory? Carey?” I shake my head again.
“Carron? No, I said that once. Cecile?”
I laugh and shake my head.
“At least give me a hint.” He cries.
“Maybe later.”
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Chapter 11
We have a pizza for four in front of us on the floor. I didn’t want to sit on the sofa. God knows what
Pax’s friends have done on it. Tomorrow, after we clean the place. Pax moved the table and the recliner
away and we’re sitting with our legs crossed on the ground, watching Fast and Furious 6. It’s really a nice
movie but I don’t get it because it’s the first one I’m seeing. Pax says he’ll rent the first five movies and
then I’ll love it.
“That’s impossible.” I tell him, watching as the main character flies over a bridge and catches a girl. They
both fall on a car’s hood and they’re alive.
“Yeah, that’s why it’s a good movie.” Pax says. “We see possible things every day. It’s the impossible
that’s appealing.” He says without breaking eye contact with the TV screen.
“Still, people would’ve appreciated it more if he’d have done something more down to earth, I think.” I
say, taking a bite of my pizza slice. It really is delicious.
“Disagree. People love it because you don’t see this shit every day. It’s what makes the movie more
thrilling.” He says.
“I don’t know. The fact that I know it can’t be done kinda takes it away, you know?” I say frowning.
“But that’s the best part! Knowing that he has done something that can’t be done. Theoretically.” He
says and he turns to face me completely.
“Well, I don’t think so.” I tell him, shaking my head with a shrug.
“How can you not? It’s what makes this move great! They do things that are pretty close to impossible
all the time!” He says, passionately.
I grin. “Well, that doesn’t work for me. You either make it completely impossible like fantasy, or you
make it completely possible. But that’s just my opinion.” I say and I go back to eating but he doesn’t let
it go.
“It’s way better if you steer a little away from reality than completely.” He says.
“Well, I don’t think so but okay.” I shrug.
“Because, we live drama every day. I see things and know how things are done every day…”
“Okay.” I repeat but he keeps going.
“… and I don’t want to spend time to see how doable things are done. I already know that. I want to see
impossible things. Things that make me wonder…”
“Fine, like I said, that’s what you think…” He doesn’t even hear me. He’s so passionate right now, talking
his heart out that I can’t help but grin.
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“… what it would be like if things like that were possible. You have to understand that it’s these things…”
“Stop! Seriously, just stop.” I tell him, a little irritated. I don’t like it when people try to make me think
their way or no way. His eyes grow wide as he watches me. I might’ve overreacted a little bit. I smile and
I try to sound more calm.
“Sorry. Impulse. But I get it, I really do. I understand how you think but that doesn’t mean that I have to
think of it the same way as you. Not about this, not about anything. Every one of us has his own mind
and we create our own opinions. Trying to make me see everything the way you see it makes me like
you. The same, when in fact, everybody is different because we have different opinions.”
“But I’m just trying to tell you…” He says but I stop him.
“I know. I just want to say that I don’t absolutely have to think like you do. Not me, not anyone else.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.” I explain patiently. And I don’t expect him to see it this way
but I just want him to know what I think.
“Huh.” He breaths and raises a brow. “Wha…” He starts to say but then he thinks better of it and doesn’t
continue.
“I’m going to make some popcorn now. And according to my opinion, they’re done in a microwave.” He
says after a minute teasing me and grinning. He stands up to go to the kitchen.
“Not necessarily, but they can be done in a microwave, too.” I tease right back.
“You agree with me?” He asks pretending it’s the biggest deal and he can’t believe it.
“Yes, I completely agree with you.” I tell him. He grins and puts a hand on his heart dramatically.
I continue to watch the movie alone until he brings a big bowl filled with fresh popcorn and, strangely, a
bottle of foam. Strawberry foam.
“What’s that?” I ask him, confused.
“Foam. I love to eat popcorn with strawberry foam.” He says and takes a fluffy corn, fills it with white
foam and eats it, nodding his head.
“That’s unheard of.” I tell him, eyeing the foam on his hand suspiciously. I don’t have the slightest idea
of what it might taste like.
“That’s your opinion.” He teases, grinning.
“It is.” I say.
“Here, try it.” He offers me the bottle. I raise one brow skeptically. “Come on, it won’t kill you.” He says
and shakes the bottle in front of me. I take it with a shrug and put a tiny bit on a corn. I reluctantly take
it to my mouth and smell it. Strawberry. It can’t be that bad. I put it in my mouth.
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I take that back. It is that bad. It’s terrible. But Pax is watching me expectantly so I force myself to chew
just to indulge him. It tastes sweet and salty at the same time. Heavy. Two tastes so strong shouldn’t be
mixed together. Ever. But like he said, it’s just my opinion.
I swallow without chewing properly but I have to get the taste out of my mouth. I take my soda can and
swallow a mouthful.
“And?” Pax says, waiting for my reaction. I want to tell him it’s good but I promised to never lie to him.
“Tastes like crap.” I tell him and smile apologetically.
“That’ just…”
“My opinion, I know.” I finish for him. He grins but continues to fill his popcorn with foam before he eats
them.
“So, in your opinion, he should’ve just let her die?” He says pointing at the screen.
“No, he could’ve tried. But I think the movie directors forgot a minor factor that is gravity.” I tell him.
“So he should’ve just watched her fly and not do anything?”
“I’m not saying that. He could’ve tried and if he really loves her like I think he does than he would’ve
tried even if he knew it was impossible.” I answer, watching the screen with my brows narrowed.
“So he would’ve known that she’s going to die and that he’s going to die?”
“I…” I turn to look at him to see why he’s so caught up in that scene when I see him staring at me and
internally laughing. His cheeks are bright red. He’s playing me.
“You…” I say but nothing comes to mind. He explodes with his laugh. I look around to find something to
throw at him. When I find nothing, I grab the foam bottle and I spray it on his arm. That just makes him
laugh even more. I spray it on his shoulder. Still laughing like crazy. I‘m grinning, too.
I spray the foam on his face. Now he stops. He tries to take the bottle away but I dodge and I keep it
pressed and soon, his whole head is white. He grabs my hands and falls on top of me. I can’t stop
laughing. I need to breathe.
“You should’ve stopped when you had the chance. But that’s just my opinion.” He says from on top of
me with a mischievous grin on his face. Then, he reaches for something and the next thing I know, I
smell pizza. He put a pizza slice on my face. I’ve stopped laughing and he’s started. I struggle to free my
arms and shake my head until the pizza slides down to my hair.
“You… jerk!” I manage to say in between laughing but he has me pinned with his body and I can’t move.
I try, though.
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“Red becomes you. Seriously. Makes your eyes pop!” He says and then leans in to lick the pizza sauce
that’s on my cheek. I jerk my head instinctively and I hit him in the nose. I stop laughing abruptly.
He’s staring at me and grimacing to check his nose.
“It is bleeding?” He asks me and I shake my head because it isn’t.
“You’re in trouble now.” He says, grinning again and he reaches for something. Popcorn. He throws the
entire bowl of popcorn on my face!
I want to scream but I can’t because I’m laughing.
“Get off me!” I try but he won’t move.
“Wow! Pizza flavored popcorn. This should be good.” He says calmly and leans in to eat the pieces of
popcorn that are stuck on my pizza sauce filled cheek. I try to hold and not move my head but instinct
works for me.
“Let me have my popcorn.” He says, trying to be serious.
“No…” I breathe, laughing. “Get off…”
“I want my pizza flavored popcorn!” He says, again trying to make it sound like a warning. My ribs are
hurting from too much laughing and from his weight. I keep shaking my head.
“Okay. Now you’re really in trouble.” He says and jumps on his feet. I start to take deep breaths to fill
my lungs when he pulls me up by my wrists, leans down and before I know it, I’m hanging head down on
his shoulder and my face is almost on his butt.
“Put me down.” I punch him in the back. He has his arm tightly around my hips and won’t let go.
“Nope, not going to do that.” He says. I jerk with my hands and with my feet like crazy while I feel blood
going to my head but I can’t stop laughing. He’s taking us to the bathroom. I slap him on his butt cheek.
He stops abruptly.
“Hey! Don’t slap my ass! It’s a mighty fine ass!” He says in all seriousness of the world. I can’t breathe.
“Please, put me down!” I plead.
“You should’ve thought about it before you filled me with foam.” He says and turns the bathroom lights
on. He goes in front of the sink which is very close to the shower and he turns the water on to wash his
foam filled arm. With me still on his shoulder.
“Watch out for the mirror with those long legs.” He says carelessly. I see the shower. I get an idea I know
I’ll probably regret later but I don’t care. I never thought going crazy can be this fun. I want to do it all
the time. But with Pax. Only with him. I move around until I reach the edge of the shower and pull it to
me. I lean again to try and switch the water on. My fingers slip.
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“Stop moviiiing or you’re getting into a lot more troooouble!” Pax sings and I know he has no idea what
I’m doing. I lean in for the third time and it goes on. Ice cold water.
Before Pax realizes, I have his whole back wet and I’m moving on to his ass and legs.
“What the… Cold, cold, cold!” He yells and finally leans down and drops me on the floor. I have the
weapon now. I move away as long as the shower lets me and I hold it straight to his face. He’s screaming
and laughing and holding his hands in front of him to try and stop the water. Ten seconds after and he’s
dripping wet. I look at his bare feet fearing he might slip but the second costs me. He grabs my arm and
the shower and pushes me against the wall. I don’t let the shower go but he’s much stronger than I am.
He turns the shower toward me until water comes rushing right on my face.
“Pl…p-plea… st… stooo” I can’t form a word. I can’t breathe, there’s water everywhere in my mouth and
nose and eyes. He just holds me there and doesn’t move. I can’t see straight because of the water but I
think he has a very serious expression on his face while he watches me. His eyes grow a little dark, I
think as he stares at my mouth that is constantly opened as I try to drag in enough air to keep living.
Then, water stops pouring on my face, something drops on the ground and Pax kisses me.
We’re completely wet, out of breath and making out like mad teenagers. The floor is filling with water
but we don’t seem to care. His tongue licks my lips slowly at first and then, as his hunger takes over, I
feel like he wants nothing more than to eat my mouth. My back arches as his tongue slides inside of my
mouth and explores it. My hands are tugging at his wet hair and his are all over my face. He wants to
break the kiss but I don’t let him. I can’t let him. I pull him to me and I eat from his mouth. Every cell in
me is vibrating again. I feel his hard chest pressed against mine and my lower parts start to tingle. I
consider wrapping my leg around him when he starts to move his hands down from my hair and face, to
my wet neck and my chest. He stops there for a second before he lightly slides down my breasts and I
moan, and he moans. I feel like exploding from the way his touch makes me feel. He goes further down
to my stomach and pushes his fingers on both my hips. As if there’s more space left between us, he pulls
me even closer and I can clearly make out his erection on my lower stomach. He groans. I’m not leaning
against the wall anymore. My foot slips but he has his arms around me and he holds me, never once
breaking the kiss.
I think I’m deaf and blind. I am just feeling.
“We need to stop. We…” He breaths and then kisses me again. I’m not ready to let go of him yet so
when he tries to break the kiss again, I don’t let him. I want to devour his mouth completely before this
kiss is over. I suck on his tongue and on his lips, one at a time and I can’t believe I’ve never done this
before. But something tells me that it wouldn’t have been the same with anyone else. Something tells
me it’s just Pax.
After a while, I feel like I’m the sun, bathed in live fire. I’m too hot even though I’m completely wet. We
really need to stop.
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I lean my head back. His eyes look red and filled with raw desire. It looks like the chocolate in them is
melting faster and faster now. We’re both breathing heavily and we take our time to just stare at each
other’s eyes.
He looks so sexy wet like that. I wonder what he’d look like if we took a shower together. My pounding
heart skips a beat. Taking a shower means getting naked. Getting naked means other things. I don’t
know if I can do other things. I don’t like to think about other things, because just like last time, they’ll
ruin this moment, too.
I sigh. He sighs right after me and he brings his forehead to mine but never leaves my eyes.
“You’re going to kill me with how good you taste.” He tells me in a hoarse voice. I smile to tell him that
he tastes incredible, too. I never thought I would ever be told that I taste good and never imagined that
these words would make me feel so alive.
Pax kisses me forehead and lets me go. Once our wet bodies stop touching, I instantly feel cold. Pax
turns the shower off and I’m glad to see the water has gone through the draining hole and it’s not nearly
as bad as I thought it would be.
“Take a shower.” Pax tells me with a smile and then turns to leave. Before he closes the door, his eyes
scroll down every inch of my body and he grins. I look down to see that everything is visible from my wet
shirt. Everything. Blood runs to my cheeks immediately but he has already closed the door and I’m
alone. I look to my side at the mirror and I see a red, wet mess. My hair looks like it has been licked to
my face but I look happy. I feel happy. I realize, happy is not at all what I thought it would be. Every cell
in my body feels active somehow. And they all react to Pax. Only Pax. I grin. Is this what crushing on
someone feels like? Or is it more?
She’s driving me crazy. I’m leaning with my shoulder against the wall and looking at the bathroom door.
I’ve been doing this ever since I walked out of it. A good ten minutes. Everything in me tells me to go
over there and walk inside. She’s showering. I need a shower. I need her. I like to think she needs me,
too.
What am I doing? I find my hand on the doorknob. I jerk my hand off like the thing is fire and I almost
run back to the living room. The place is a mess but I don’t care. The popcorn and the pizza and the foam
remind me of having her under me. She was definitely designed for me by God’s own hands. She fits me
perfectly. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, having her here. I don’t think I can control myself with
her. But on second thought, not seeing her every day and not talking to her makes me sick. I feel like I’ve
known her for years when it’s just a week. A fucking wonderful week.
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A week in which I have completely detached from my life. From my thoughts. From my reality. I wonder
what dad is thinking. He probably thinks I’m doing drugs. And he’d be right to think that in a away. She is
a drug. A nasty one I don’t think I can live without anymore.
What the hell happen and how did it happen so fast? She’s so easy to be with. I think Miranda will love
her. I can’t wait to introduce them. Dad will probably tell me to break up with her. For the first time in
my life, I think I can send him to hell without even blinking. Because I don’t care what he thinks. I’ve
done my share of things for his sake.
The door of the bathroom opens. She’s wrapped up in one of my towels.
In. A. Towel.
Her long neck, her arms. Her legs. How can she be so perfect? Now I’m staring like a maniac. She smiles
shyly and lowers her head but not before I see how red her face is. I’m a second away from running to
her before she turns and walks to her bedroom.
I sigh and rub my face. I want to stop thinking about tomorrow and just think about her. All though I
constantly am. But that little part of my brain that keeps thinking about dad and life? I wanna kill that
part.
I can’t believe I promised to clean with her. I’ve never cleaned a thing in my life before. Except for
dishes. But the thought of letting her clean alone made my insides crawl. I can learn how to clean. She’ll
teach me.
My phone vibrates the second she comes out, dressed in that loose shirt and those shorts. I think she
has no pajamas and I don’t want to mention it. Her bag is small since she took only a few things and they
aren’t going to last her. I grin at the thought of shopping. I hate shopping. But I’ll love it with her. I can’t
wait to go shopping.
Someone knocks lightly on the door. I open my eyes abruptly and look around. White. Everything is
white and everything smells good.
Am I dead? I wonder. Maybe I’m in heaven. Heaven’s supposed to be white, so…
Pax. I remember his face and our fight and I’m already grinning. I’m not in heaven but I’m definitely
somewhere very close.
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The door opens and Pax’s face peeks inside. “Are you up?” He asks, but doesn’t come in. I yawn and
stretch and finally sit up on the comfortable bed. I’ve never slept anywhere more comfortable.
“I am now.” I mumble. He smiles and he kicks the door open. He’s holding a tray in his hands and he
comes to me. My mouth hangs open when I see it filled with eggs, bacon, slices of bread, orange juice,
milk and a glass of water. It looks so good that it’s a shame to be eaten.
“I didn’t know what you like so I put everything I had. But I also made coffee.” He says and wants to get
up. I don’t know what to say. I just shake my head. He puts the tray on my lap.
I think I want to cry. Is this a fairy tale? My own fairly tale? And then I remember. I had a Dream. I have
to write it down but I don’t ever want to ruin this moment. I look around to see if I can find a piece of
paper but there’s nothing. I just see the breakfast on my lap.
“Pax, you didn’t have to…” I start to say but he hushes me.
“I know. I wanted to. Taste it, see if you like it.” He tells me.
I indulge him and take a bite. It’s perfect. Even if it had tasted like shit, it would’ve been perfect.
“It’s perfect. Thank you so much.” I tell him and my hands shake as I try to decide which I want most. I
always have water. I like milk but I rarely have juice. So I take the juice.
“You’re spoiling me.” I tell him after a gulp. This is exactly how people get spoiled.
“I hope so. Because then I’ll get to see that smile every day.” He says and brings his hand to my face. I
lean against it instinctively and I close my eyes, sighing at how good his touch feels. How happy his
words make me.
“Eat with me.” I tell him. I don’t know if he already had breakfast but I still want him to.
“Thought you’d never ask.” He says grinning and comes to sit on the bed next to me. I laugh and put the
tray in our middle and offer him one slice, one slice of bread only. He drinks milk while I drink fresh
orange juice and so I experience the best, first breakfast of my life.
We finally empty the whole plate and we lean back against the wall to rest. Eating makes me tired. Or I
just want to stay close to him. But I still remember the Dream and I have to write it down or I’ll forget it.
I put the tray on the white wooden nightstand and I go to my bag.
“What are you doing?” He asks me.
“Just a Dream.” I tell him and I take out the small pieces of paper I had hung on the wall in Sunny’s
apartment.
“Hold on.” He says and gets off the bed and out the room. He comes back a few seconds later with e
small yellow pad and a pen in hand. He hands them to me. I smile widely and take them.
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“Thank you.” I say and I hurry back to the bed. He comes after me.
“Can I watch?” He asks me while I prepare to start. The fact that he respects me enough to even ask,
and that he cares enough to want to watch me do what I most love doing makes me give him another
piece of my soul. I smile and I nod my head. He gets comfortable and I start to write my Dream.
I can smell the salty scent of the ocean before I open my eyes. And when I do, I am already smiling.
Everything about the view in front of me is perfect. The opened balcony doors, the blue sky and even
bluer ocean behind them, the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks beneath us, the perfectly
decorated room, the silky sheets of the bed I’m still half sleeping in, and the man right across from me.
“Hell.” Pax mumbles and makes me look up at him. “Sorry, I have to ask. Do you see this view you’re
talking about?” He asks, pointing at the paper in my hands.
“Kinda.” I say, thinking. “Yeah, I see it in my Dream.” He nods and I turn back to writing. Since there is
enough space now, I can go on little further into the story.
He’s not exactly what you can call handsome but he has that aura around him that just draws you in. His
faded blue eyes that remind me of my favorite worn jeans and his slightly crooked nose are the very
definition of sexy. I can’t believe he brought me here. In a private island. On a private jet. With private
servants. I think it’s very obvious why I’m here with him and why I intend to be for a while.
It’s not? Okay, I’ll write down the reasons why I’m with this guy then. One, he’s loaded. Two, he owns
one of the biggest companies in the US. Three, he’s very loaded.
“Whoa, whoa. What the hell?” Pax shouts, his eyes still pinned to the piece of paper.
“What?” I ask confused.
“He’s loaded? Who the hell is she?” He asks, pointing at the piece of paper. Seems like he took it pretty
harsh. I can’t help but laugh at his reaction.
“She’s a girl. A beautiful Brazilian girl who grew up in LA and who’s a gold digger. Up until she meets a
man that shows her that money isn’t everything.” I tell him, trying to wrap up the story best as I can.
“And she’s on a private island sleeping with a man only for his money?” He asks, incredulous. He’s
adorable.
“Yeah. But it’s not her fault. See, her mother raised her by always telling her that she should use her
beauty to lure in rich men and live like a princess because she deserves it. So she doesn’t know any
better and she thinks money is the key to her happiness. She’s in for a surprise, though.” I explain.
“And you saw all this in a dream?” He asks, skeptically.
“I did.” I say with a shrug.
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“You’re amazing.” He tells me and then leans in to give me a kiss on my cheek. I want to say that I’m
nothing compared to him, but again, I know he’d argue. So I let it go and I just enjoy the most perfect
morning in history.
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Chapter 12
It’s already noon and we’re still cleaning. I can tell by just looking at how he holds the dust cleaner that
he has no idea whatsoever about cleaning. He told me that his mom is an alcoholic and I thought that he
would be a little more aware of house work. Probably his older sister did all the cleaning.
The place looks transformed after being washed from ceiling to floor. The living room area is decorated
in milky and deep grey colors and the kitchen is creamy, almost pale pink. I like all the paintings he has
hanging around the place. They give the modern look of the apartment a little life. And I did notice that
all of them are women. Some naked, some covered in a small piece of cloth and some completely
dressed. I like them, though, as weird as they look.
His phone rings and he sighs before he answers. I try not to notice the way his face lines change and he
goes at the end of the hallway before he answers.
“Yeah. I’m here. Just not coming in for a few more days.” He tells the person on the other line.
“I don’t know. I’ll let you know.” I can’t tell if he’s angry or if he’s transformed into the Pax that I saw
when we found his friends in the apartment.
“So fire me!” He shouts. He’s talking to his boss? My fingers start to shake. He’s going to lose his job
because of me.
“I know. I told you, I’ll let you know. Bye now.” He says and he hangs up. He curses under his breath and
then he rubs his face with his hands. I turn my head around so that he doesn’t see me looking.
He comes back to the room.
“Pax.” I say, feeling the urge to speak to him right away. “I couldn’t help but overhear. I know you have a
job and I know we live together now and I still don’t know what you do. But please don’t lose your job
because of me. I can stay on my own and I’ll go look for an apartment and job on my own. You don’t
have to stay home because of me.” I tell him and it all comes out as a pleading as much as I hate it.
He smiles. He giggles, and shakes his head.
“First of all, don’t flatter yourself.” He says and he comes to me, grinning. “I’m not staying here because
of you. I’m staying because of me. It feels good to be with you and even if I’ll bore you to death, I don’t
care. I’m still staying. And second, I work in a pharmaceutical and food processing company and no, I
won’t tell you what I do because I don’t even know myself and what I know is boring. And three, I won’t
lose my job.” He tells me. “So don’t worry about it.”
“How can you not know what you do?” I say because that’s the only other thing I clearly caught except
for when he said that it felt good to be with me.
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“I don’t because I do everything I can in every department I can.” He tells me with a shrug and I can’t
picture him working at a company. He doesn’t look like a man behind a desk. He looks like a man on a
surfing board.
“Why don’t you surf?” I ask him abruptly.
“Well, after, you know… and then I went to college and then I got the job. But I do, I still surf. In fact, we
can go to the beach if you want to.” He tells me with a grin.
I’ve never been on a beach before but I like the idea of it. A shiver runs down my body. I’ve heard once
that people are scared of what they don’t know. I’m feeling like that right now. But I don’t let my fear
stop me, not when I’m with Pax. He can make everything good so I nod.
“Yeah, I’d like that.” I tell him with a smile.
“Great!” He shouts, excited and pleased. But I don’t have any bikini. Shit.
This morning, I woke up earlier than Pax and I made breakfast. I made pancakes because I know how
much he likes them and I didn’t know what else he likes. But I don’t have the chance to send them with
a tray to his bed because he wakes up just as I finish washing the last dish.
“I smell pancakes. Please tell me they’re pancakes.” He says and I need a second to answer and breath.
He’s wearing nothing but shorts. Dark blue boxer shorts. My mouth goes dry as my eyes, completely on
their own accord, scroll down the length of him. His hard chest and his stomach, oh my. And his arms,
his wide shoulders… My mouth is hanging open. My fingertips are itching to touch them, to trace every
line of his chest and of his abs and of the muscles of his arms. And that V! A very emphasized V that
starts with his hips and then goes all the way down to… places.
“You like what you see.” Pax states. He’s grinning and walking slowly toward me. I have to cough a few
times to get my voice back. And when I do, I know there’s no point in lying. My face probably said it all.
But there is something about Pax that makes me want to play.
“It’s… nice.” I say, emphasizing the last word. He stops walking and rolls his eyes.
“My car, my bed and now me. You’re killing me.” He says, shaking his head.
“But!” I say, raising my index finger and giggling. “I did make pancakes!” I say, shouting.
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“Unfortunately for me, you’re forgiven. Pancakes are not something I take very lightly. They make
everything better.” He says and my eyes keep wondering up and down his body.
He sits on the dinner table and he looks at the pancakes like they’re the best thing he’s ever seen. I put a
plate in front of him and put a pancake on it. I put the maple syrup and fill his glass with milk.
“That’s not very smart of you.” I tell him. He looks up as he pours the syrup on his plate.
“What?” He asks confused.
“You just gave me your secret. Whenever you’re mad about something, I’ll just bake pancakes.” I tell
him, taking a seat on the chair right next to him. I never understood why people sit across from each
other on dates. I liked to be as close to Pax as possible.
“Damn.” Pax says, realizing but doesn’t wait. “What’s your secret?” He asks me and then he puts food in
his mouth. I stay silent for a second to wait for his reaction. I’m nervous again because I’m afraid he
won’t like it. But he leans his head back and he whistles.
“I think this is the first time I’m eating real pancakes. That’s it, you’re never moving out of this
apartment. I’m keeping you hostage.” He tells me and I laugh in relief. He doesn’t have to keep me
hostage. I’ll stay and bake for him every day voluntarily. Just as soon as I find a job to be able to buy at
least half of the things he keeps in the fridge.
“I’m glad you like them. And I’m not telling you my secret.” I tell him and I start to eat my breakfast, too.
The place looks bright and clean and I smile as I look at it. We did a good job yesterday.
It’s one o’clock and I’m tired. Pax is making me walk despite the fact that we’ve been walking for the
past two and a half hours. He keeps insisting that I buy things. Clothes. I’ve repeated over and over again
that I will not spend his money on clothes. I’ll by something when I get a job.
“We’re not going home until you buy some things.” He tells me like he doesn’t care. I’m tired and thirsty
and frankly a little irritated that he wants to make me buy things. I don’t want to. I don’t want his
money. I’m not sure how much he makes with his job but I won’t spend it on clothes.
“Come on, Celine…” He says and then stops to wait for my reaction. I just shake my head. He shrugs but
keeps on going. “I saw that you didn’t have time to pack many things when we left Bronx. You really do
need clothes. And you can pay me back when you get a job!” He cries.
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I want to laugh. I know he saw my closet when we left Bronx. He saw I took everything I had. All though I
appreciate him trying to not make me feel uncomfortable, he really needs to understand that I am
comfortable with who I am, most of the time. At least for things like this. I don’t care that I have no
money, no job and no clothes. It’s my life and I don’t need his pity.
“I don’t like it when you lie.” I tell him. I’ve promised him I wouldn’t but he hasn’t done the same.
“I’m not lying. You really need…” He tries to defend himself.
“I’m not talking about that. You saw that I took everything I had in Bronx. That bag is all I have and I’m
not embarrassed by it. You don’t have to lie just to make me feel good. I don’t. I feel better when I hear
truth. I’m not a social case.” I tell him, maybe harder than I intended. It’s just that the thought of him
being with me just because he feels sorry for me kills me. Makes me sick.
“I didn’t see your closet. I was looking at you.” He tells me in a calm voice, a voice he uses when he tells
something that makes him sad but it’s a truth. I feel guilt starting to sting my insides repeatedly. Damn
my big mouth.
“I’m sorry. I just hate to be looked at with pity.” I tell him, regretting every word I said to him. He was
just trying to be nice to me and I’m being a bitch.
“I know and trust me, I might feel your hurt and understand your pain but I’ve never, not once, looked
at you with pity.” He tells me and he grabs my arms and stops me to face him.
“But you need clothes, Clarice.” I shake my head. “And you’ll pay me back.” He tells me.
“You won’t let me pay you back.” I say, looking down at my feet because I know he won’t let me.
“You got me there.” He says shaking his head. He sighs. “What if I promise to you that I’ll let you pay me
back?” He asks. I look at him suspiciously. “Come on, I’m trying to compromise here!” He cries but he is
smiling. I can’t believe he’s making me do this. But how can I say no to that face?
“Fine, but promise first.” I tell him and ignore the look on his face, that look of victory. I try to keep my
brows narrow.
“I swear I’ll let you pay me back.” He says raising his right hand solemnly. I try to keep up the
seriousness but a smile tugs at my lips.
“But first, we’re going in there.” I say pointing at the store behind him. I’ve been checking it for quite
some time.
“A bookstore?” He asks confused once he looks at where I’m pointing. “Of course. You’re a nerd.” He
says grinning but he gives me a quick kiss on the lips that makes my toes curl and my vision more
colorful, and he grabs my hand again.
The place is amazing. So many books, backpack and notebooks! So many notebooks and pads and
journals of every kind, every shape and every color. I start with them and admire each one. I promise
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myself again that one day I will buy all the notebooks I can have and I will fill each and every one of
them. But for now, I just want to enjoy looking at them and touching them. So many words can be
written on the lines of every page. They’re all beautiful.
After about fifteen minutes, I move on to the books. I can’t keep looking at the notebooks anymore.
“I have that.” Pax says startling me. I had completely forgotten about him. I feel my cheeks blush as my
eyes find where he is pointing. Kama Sutra. I turn to look at him wryly and find him grinning.
“Just kidding.” He says putting his hands in front of him. He’s just calling for me to tease him. And I don’t
know why I say what I say next.
“You don’t?” I say, making my voice sound like I’m disappointed. But I’m not disappointed. I’m really
not.
“What… I…” He says, eyeing the book again.
“No, I just thought you really had it and that we could, you know, use it.” I swear to God my own self is
screaming at me. Who the hell are you, it says. And I don’t have the answer. I just know that Pax makes
me go against everything I ever was. Pax makes me everything I always wished to be. And I am very
much enjoying it. Especially the look on his face.
His mouth is hanging open and his eyes are wide. He’s as pale as a sheet. I bite my tongue to hold my
laugh and I stare back at him. I watch the words sink in and then I watch him lose it completely. After
exactly six seconds – I’m counting how long I can hold the laughter – he explodes. He reaches for the
book.
“We can buy it. Now. I’ll buy it.” He mumbles and that’s all I can take. I slap his hand away from the book
and I laugh like I can’t help it.
He soon realizes the joke. He smiles a disappointed smile and crosses his arms in front of his chest.
“Yeah, very funny.” He says, nodding his head. I have to hold on to the shelf behind me. My body is
vibrating violently from the laughter.
“I don’t like this place anymore.” He says in a childish way that only sparks my laughter again. He puts
his arms around my shoulder, not caring that I am still shaking, and he pulls me under his shoulder to
kiss my head. “But I very much like you.” He whispers to my ear. My laughing stops abruptly. I knew he
likes me. It’s very obvious from the way he treats and kisses me. But I didn’t hear him say it out loud, not
once. And the words he just said fill every single part of my body. Apparently, knowing he likes me and
hearing him say it are two very different things. It’s like they removed a layer that has enveloped me my
whole life and I feel freer. Smarter. Even pretty.
I look up at him because I need to see his chocolate eyes. They are my favorite thing in the world.
“I think I like you more.” I say with all honestly. He smiles and kisses my forehead.
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“Then I’m a lucky sonovabitch.” He says and he we start walking again but this time, I’m not looking
around me anymore. I only have eyes for him. That’s all they want to see.
I’m in a girl shop. I’m sitting on a recliner surrounded by two blonds who are all but winking at me. I feel
like a girl myself. But hell if I’m not loving it.
She’s inside the changing room trying things on. This is the second store I made her walk in to. I can’t
believe how stubborn she is. And I can’t believe that that just makes me like her more.
To think that she thinks she likes me more. But I like to flatter myself when it comes to her so I didn’t
argue. If she only knew how hard I’m falling for her. I don’t think it’ll take much longer to fall completely
in love with her. And I’m not even afraid of it. I want to dive in headfirst.
The pink curtain opens and she walks out. She’s wearing a sunny dress. It’s amazing how my body reacts
to the sight of her.
She’s fucking beautiful. The dress is yellow with green leaves and bright red flowers on it. It makes her
eyes look like they are every color of the rainbow. She smiles shyly and straightens the imaginary
wrinkles of the dress. It’s a short dress with spaghetti straps, from what the girls of the store tell me, and
it fits her body perfectly. Everything fits her perfectly. Her legs are the most beautiful legs I’ve ever seen.
It’s impossible how narrow her belly is and her breasts! They make my mouth water. I’ve never analyzed
girl’s breasts before. I went by the rule: the bigger the better. But hers are not big. They’re exactly
enough and perfectly round, hanging right where whey should on her chest. And her ass. She turns
around to check on the mirror and the dress envelopes them perfectly. I nod my head and grin.
“You should take this for when we’re hanging around the house.” I whisper to hear once I’m close
enough so that the girls won’t hear. She blushes instantly and it’s so fucking cute. “’Coz there’s no way
in hell you’re leaving the apartment if you ever wear that.” I tell her and I’m careful enough to hold her
eyes and not let mine wander down to those perfect, perfect little girls of hers.
“Well then, I’ll take it.” She says, challenging me even though she’s bright scarlet in the face now.
Admirable. The way she looks at me is so tempting and when she walks inside the changing room again,
I seriously consider going after her. But there are cameras in the store so I make myself walk back and
sit.
My phone vibrates. It’s dad. I wondered when he’d be calling.
“Yeah.” I answer, because I know how much he hates it.
“Where are you, Paxton?” He yells.
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“Shopping.” I tell him calmly.
“Shopping? You’re skipping work for shopping?” He shouts even more. I roll my eyes.
“Yes, I am. I told you I’m taking days off.” I tell him but I don’t let myself get angry. That’s exactly what
he wants. Because when I get angry, I say fuck it and I do it his way.
“You can’t just take days off! You have work here that’s waiting for you! Your mother’s worried sick
about you. You haven’t even gone to say hello since you came back!” He complains. He’s right. I haven’t
even called mom. I’m expecting her call for a change. But she’s still my mother. I’m going to have to go
see her anyway.
“I’ll go see her.” I tell him but I don’t tell him when because I know he’ll show up.
“You better get back to work, Paxton. Or I’m hiring someone else.” He threatens just like he always has
ever since he gave me that stupid title in his company. Like I want to work for him.
“Fine! Make my day!” I shout without being able to help it.
She comes out of the dressing room. I forget all about my dad.
“I have to go now.” I tell him and I end the call. She’s wearing another dress. This one is rich black. It
looks incredible on her. And I thought colors looked good on her! The dress is simple. Very short with a
nice silver belt around her waist. It’s loose and it hangs on her perfectly. I think I’m going to take her out
tonight. I nod my head.
“We’re going out tonight.” I tell her and again, she blushes.
“I don’t think I should get this.” She says, looking uncomfortable.
“No, you should. It looks great on you.” I protest. It would be a crime not to buy everything she tries on.
And I’m not holding back. I’m paying it with my dad’s money. He won’t even notice. And even if he does,
I don’t give a shit. He’s always encouraging me to spend his millions on fancy trips to the Hamptons. I’ll
just use them for a much better purpose.
“I don’t know.” She says and she watches herself in the mirror.
“Trust me. Take it.” I persuade her until she nods. Reluctantly, but she nods. She turns to leave for the
changing room again but I grab her hand.
“Hey, how would you like to meet my mother?” I ask her. Her eyes grow wide in surprise. I know that
she thinks we’re probably moving too fast but I really want her to meet my mom. She might not be the
best mom in the world but she’s still my mother. I just hope she won’t be completely drunk when we get
to her.
“Now?” She whispers. I can tell that she’s a little scared and confused. She’s never had a boyfriend
before. She was a complete virgin, including her lips, before she met me. So it’s understandable.
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“Yeah. After we’re done shopping. If you want.” I tell her, really hoping she’ll say yes. I really want to
take her to my house.
“But… but… we just met and I know that…” She starts to mumble but I stop her.
“I know. Trust me, it’s crazy for me to. I feel like I’ve known you for years. And I really want you to see
the place I grew up in.” I tell her.
She keeps staring at me for a few seconds while she processes my words in her mind but she nods.
“Okay.” She says and she smiles shyly.
“Take the dress.” I tell her and watch her turn and disappear inside the changing room.
“She’s a lucky girl.” One of the blonds tells me when I sit down again.
“I’m the one who’s lucky.” I say to them.
“Exactly.” She says. Both of them disappear once she comes out the changing room again.
I’m holding three bags and Pax has seven more in his hands. I’ve never felt more embarrassed in my life
but I couldn’t say no to him. He helped me pick things and then he made me try them on and show
them to him. The way his eyes took in every part of my body with every cloth I put on, it made me so
damn hot that after the seconds dress, I was shaking and feeling weak.
The worst part were jeans. Really tight, new jeans. And the second I turned around to show him how
they looks from behind when he asked me. It was like I was showing him how my ass looks. And it
wasn’t nearly as embarrassing as I thought it would be. The worst part was that I wanted him to like
what he saw. And he sure did. Now, all I can think about is how he watched me. How the chocolate in
his eyes boiled.
“Next and last stop.” Pax said, distracting me from my own thoughts. I look up to see where he’s
pointing. Victoria’s Secret. An underwear shop. I stop and turn to him.
“I’m not going in there with you and I’m not showing you underwear.” I tell him, as blood rushes to my
cheeks instantly.
“What? This is the best part!” He cries hysterically, but he’s also grinning.
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“I’m sure it is. Either I’m going alone or I’m not going at all.” I tell him. I really do need underwear but I’d
die before I model for him. Clothes were crazy enough.
“Come on! You can’t do this! It’s Victoria’s Secret! Every guy’s dream!” He keeps going and pleading.
“Well I’m sure you’ve seen them before on a woman’s body.” I say and I’m surprised by the rush of
something warm and uncomfortable settling on the pit of my stomach from the thought of him with
another girl. Naked. Jealousy?
“Maybe, but I never really analyzed them. I never felt the urge. Not like I want to see how they look on
you.” He says, grinning. “I swear, no touching.” He holds his hands in front of him.
“No. I’m not going and that’s it.” I say stubbornly and I turn to walk back around.
“Wait, wait, wait. Fine. Okay. Under one condition. You get to go alone but I get to see what you buy.
Not while you’re wearing them but while they’re unworn.” He says, trying to negotiate. I raise a brow at
him, still unsure.
“Come on! You’ve got to give me something!” He pleads and then he pouts. My eyes turn into stalkers
and they are dangerously hunting his lower lip. It looks so puffy and juicy and sweet.
“Okay?” He asks and I nod. It really isn’t fair how I can’t say no to him. But I don’t think straight so that
should be it.
“Done. Here’s the card.” He says and gives me a credit card that’s completely black. “Give me the bags
and I’ll be right outside.”
The grin on his face is huge. I put the card in my back pocket and I give him the bags reluctantly. I know
my face is completely red. But I turn with my head down and I walk to the doors.
“Black suits you!” Pax calls from behind but I try to ignore him. I walk inside.
So many thing! So many underwear and lingerie and just everything. Cotton, silk, web like panties.
Seriously, does anyone wear them? And then thongs. I only had one pair of those. I look around and see
a girl coming toward me. She takes my outfit in – plain green shirt and faded jeans, and she flinches. I
don’t mind. Good thing Pax isn’t here. I’m not exactly a fan of the fact that in the five stores we went to,
the girls wanted to eat him up. They smiled and winked at him like I wasn’t even there. He didn’t notice
but I did. And I don’t know if I should say something. I mean, are we together together? I make a mental
note to ask him because I have no idea.
“Hello. How can I help you?” The brunette asks me with a bright fake smile.
“Yeah. I need new underwear. Lots of new underwear.” I tell her.
“What kind do you prefer?” She asks me looking around.
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“Don’t have any preferences but I’ll have one of every kind.” I tell her and her eyes grow a little wide.
I’m so going to work my whole life for returning Pax the money. Things in California are very expensive.
But since I started, I won’t stop until I get it all. It’s a female instinct or something. The only thing that
makes sense to me right now and explains the urge I have while I look around.
“Follow me, please.” She says, and I do.
An hour later, I have three more big bags in my hands as I’m walking out the store. When she gave me
the total, I almost fainted. Make that two life times of having to work to return the money to Pax.
But I’m also excited to wear everything I bought. I look down at the bags. Just one of the items in there,
a hot pink lingerie that shows more than it covers, makes me shiver. And then I had to get the same in
black because Pax said black suits me. And then I got almost everything else in black. Damn him.
I walk out with my hands full and I see Pax just a few feet away but he isn’t alone. Three other guys and
a girl are talking to him.
He sees me and I like to think that his face lights up. He smiles and walks over with all the bags in hand.
The other four turn, too, and now they’re all watching me. I feel dizzy.
“Hey. You got everything?” He asks me and I just nod.
“Come on, there are some friends I want you to meet.” He tells me and he pulls me over to the group. I
can tell that the woman that’s with them keeps watching me from head to toe with a raised brow and
disgust on her face. Her hair is bright red and her eyes dark brown and she’s very pretty.
“Guys, this is…” Pax says and then he stops. He doesn’t know my name. He bought all this for me and he
still doesn’t know my name. I make another mental note to tell him my name.
“Cristina.” He finally says but I’m too nervous to smile. I don’t like meeting people.
“These are my friends from college. I just ran in to them.” Pax says and I can tell he’s excited.
“Hey, Cristina. What’s up?” The first guy says, the one with blond long hair and a very tan skin and then
he offers his hand. He has a very big hand. I do my best not to jerk back but just lean back slowly. I look
at his hand. I don’t want him to touch me. I can’t let him touch me. If he touches me then he can do
what father did to me. I can’t let him touch me.
“Ooookay!” He sings and puts his hand down.
“Who is she?” The red head asks dryly. Pax puts his arms around my shoulder and instantly makes me
feel a little better. I lean into him.
“She’s my friend. We came back together from Bronx.” Pax says and I can tell that all the excitement has
gone from his voice. I’ve embarrassed him in front of his friends. I shouldn’t have gone out today. I
should’ve just stayed in the apartment.
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“Is this the girl you threw out Ash for?” The guy with black hair and a big nose says. And then the red
head lets out a scream that I think is supposed to be a laugh. My heart is pounding in my ears. I think
about running away.
“I didn’t throw Ash out for her. I threw him out because he made a mess of my place. Seriously, you
should’ve seen it.” He says and even if I wanted to, I know I can’t make a sound. Not even to tell him
that I’ll go and he can stay with his friends.
“Yeah right. He’s pissed. But fuck Ash. Wanna get drinks tonight? We’ll only be in town for a couple of
days.” The blond guy says. My heart skips a beat. I know Pax said that we were going out tonight but I
can’t help but wish and hope that we aren’t going out with them. I don’t think they’re mean but they’re
men.
“I don’t know. What do you say, huh?” Pax asks me, lowering his head to look at me. The seconds I see
his eyes I feel even worse. I’ve made him look bad in front of his friends and his look is still as sweet as
always. He’s not angry or mad. And he’s asking me if I want to go out with his friends. I don’t want to go
out with his friends but something tells me that if I say no, he won’t go out either. I can’t let him do that,
get stuck inside for my sake. And I’ve already embarrassed him enough. He deserves it. Shit.
“Yeah, sure.” I say with all the voice I can gather.
“She speaks!” The other blond guy that hasn’t spoken at all since I joined them says.
“Wow, and you do, too!” I shoot right back. I really have no idea where that came from. There’s
something about Pax’s body close to mine and his arm around me. Gives me courage.
They all start laughing.
“Aw, man, I like this girl! I like you, girl!” The man with black hair says to me.
I want to tell him that I don’t like him, but I don’t think Pax would appreciate that so I keep my mouth
shut. I try to at least smile a little but I can’t. I’m still too frozen.
“Okay, I’ll see you at the spot tonight.” Pax tells them and waves while he pulls me on the other side
with him.
“Sure man, see you there!” The man with black hair says and then he turns to his friend. “She got you
man. She got you good!” And he laughs again.
Pax is still giggling while we make our way to where he parked his car. I want to say I’m sorry but I don’t
know where to start. I’m expecting him to be mad any second now and ask me what the hell that was
but he doesn’t. He just keeps walking with me. I wish he would just get mad.
“Pax, listen, I’m really sorry.” I tell him with half a voice. He nods his head and smiles but doesn’t say
anything for a while. I don’t know if I should keep going and I don’t know how to explain it to him. I
don’t know why I can let him touch me but I can’t let any other man touch me.
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We walk in silence until we reach the car. Pax puts the bags on the back seat and then he stops, turns to
me and touches my face. I lean against his hand instinctively.
“Can you tell me why?” He asks and he still isn’t mad or angry. His voice is a sweet whisper. He doesn’t
demand I tell him. He’s asking me if I can tell him. I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want to tell anyone,
ever. But it’s Pax.
“I… I can’t let men touch me.” I tell him, being as vague as I can be.
“What do you mean? I touch you. And it’s just a hand shake.” He says, confused but still very calm.
He thinks it’s just a handshake. It’s not just a handshake. I can’t let him touch me. If I go close enough
and he touches me, his mind will go right there. His mind always goes right there whenever he has
contact with my skin. And then he’ll… he’ll want to…
I can’t let him touch me. No, I’ll just stay away. I can’t shake his hand or come close to him. He can’t
touch me. No, no, no…
“Hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me, are you okay?”
I can feel Pax’s hands on my face. I’m still shaking my head. I didn’t know I was shaking my head. But I
can’t let him touch me.
“Listen to me. Look at me. Come on, look at me, goddamn it! You’re scaring me.” He cries, a little
desperate.
My eyelids snap open. His face is too close.
Timothy. He was the first. And he’s too close to me. I need to get away from him. I jerk back with all my
strength and I scream. I know it does me no good.
Our house is too far. No one has heard me my entire life and no one will hear me today. I don’t know
why I want to run. He’ll just catch me like he always does. Still, I can’t help but try. I feel his hands
around my wrists as he tries to take my arms away from my face. I resist for a total of two seconds until
his force breaks me.
“Cristina! Cristina!” Someone is calling. My name is not Cristina. Timothy calls me by my name.
Everything in my head is black. The alarm like noise that went on in my mind is deafening. I can’t let him
touch me.
I hear that name again. Timothy calls me by my name. He doesn’t know I changed my name. I freeze. I
can’t move any muscle. I know the voice. It’s not Timothy. It’s… confusion. Who’s running after me if not
Timothy? Timothy was the first. Is it Travis? Or maybe my father? No, he never runs after me. He sends
out the boys.
“Please, baby, open your eyes. Look at me. Look at me!”
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No one calls me baby. Not father, not Timothy and not Travis.
I struggle to open my eyes. Above me, there’s a face, a beautiful face with chocolate eyes.
Pax.
I let out a cry of relief and sheer joy and I put my arms around him. I’m lying somewhere hard but I don’t
care. Pax is here. He said that no one is going to hurt me now. He promised. I pull him close until he’s
completely over me. I've got my arms around his neck and I never want to let him go. He can maybe
beat Timothy. He won't let him hurt me.
“It’s okay. It’s okay, baby. You’re safe.” He whispers in my ear. He calls me baby and I like it. But he also
called me Cristina. He doesn’t know my name. I’m the worst. I squeeze my eyes shut and I feel the tears
falling down from them when I realize that I’d just freaked out for no reason. Timothy wasn’t really here.
I don’t know what just happened but I was so close from losing it completely. If it wasn’t for Pax, I’d still
be stuck in the nightmare. It only happened twice before, since I ran away. And twice, I was messed for
a week. If it wasn’t for Pax, who knew where I would end. But I’m okay now. He’s there.
“Carmen.” I whisper to him. He stops caressing my hair.
“What?” He asks me and leans back. I don’t want to let him go but I loosen my hands a little until his
face is right above mine.
“My name is Carmen.” I tell him.
“Carmen.” He repeats. I have never loved my name more.
“Carmen.” He whispers again and his hand slowly strokes my face. He smiles brightly. “Carmen. It’s
perfect.” He says and he touches his forehead to mine with a sigh.
We stay like that until I can gather up enough strength to convince myself that I am in California, away
from Wisconsin and away from my father and brothers.
“You think you can get up?” Pax asks me, his face filled with concern. I nod once. I’m trying to save my
strength.
He stands up and he takes my hands, pulling me up to my feet with him.
Dizzy. I can’t keep my balance. Pax’s arms wrap around my waist and he holds me upright. He pulls me
up and he walks two steps back before he sits me on the trunk of his car. We had been lying on the cold
asphalt.
“Are you okay? Do you need to go to the doctor?” He asks me and I shake my head. I do, and I want to.
Maybe he can prescribe me something to calm me down but I can’t.
“He can help you, Carmen.” He says my name like it’s the most natural thing to say.
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I smile, despite everything. “I don’t have papers.” I tell him with a shrug.
“You don’t have papers?” He asks me with his brows raised in confusion. I shake my head too hard and
that’s a very bad idea. I feel dizzy again.
“I was born at my house. I don’t think my father even registered me. I don’t think I have a birth
certificate. I don’t exist, technically.” I tell him, trying to smile. But his expression is grave and he looks
dark when his face lines change.
“You don’t have papers.” He repeats again but this time it’s not a question. I just nod. He turns around
and grabs his head with his hands. He’s cursing under his breath. He slams both his fists on the top of his
car. He’s really mad. I shouldn’t have told him. I look at my hands as I wait for him to calm down. This is
so unfair to him. I only ever bring trouble. I shouldn’t have agreed to stay with him, knowing my luck.
I look at his back and my insides turn. I don’t even see his face and I react at the sight of him like this.
How can I not stay with him? He’s life. I’ve been looking for life in all of my nineteen years. I can’t run
away from him. I was never strong enough to hurt myself. Kill myself. I know for a fact that running
away from Pax would destroy me even more than I already am destroyed. I jump from the trunk and
land on my feet. I feel stronger now. Steadier. I walk to him and put my arms around his waist. I rest my
head on his strong back and I sigh in relief.
He puts his hands above mine on his stomach and he caresses me for a while. Then he turns around and
puts his arm around me.
“Why can I touch you?” He asks in a whisper. I shake my head.
“I don’t know.”
Pax bought me chocolate. He said that it would give me energy. I ate it and now I really do feel better.
“You have everything you need?” He asks me, looking back at the many bags in the backseat.
“Yes. Are we going to your mother?” I ask him.
“No. We’ll just call it a day and go back to the apartment.” He says shaking his head and looking at me
with a sad expression on his face. I don’t like that look.
“Why?” I ask him.
“Because you need to rest.” He tells me and pushes a curl away from my face.
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“No. I’m okay. I don’t need rest. We should go.” I tell him because I know he was looking forward to
seeing his mother. I would be looking forward to seeing my mother if I had one.
“No, it’s okay. We can go another day.” He tells me but I can see a little excitement show in his eyes.
“We don’t have to. I really am fine.” I tell him, insisting.
“Are you sure?” He asks, eyeing me suspiciously. He doesn’t believe me.
I smile. “Yes. I am. And I want to see where you grew up.” I tell him with a nod. It’s bad enough that he
had to see me in my breaking down moments. I owe it to him to make it right. The least I can do is meet
his mother.
He stays silent for a few seconds and then he nods.
“Okay.” He says and turns the ignition on.
While he drives, I analyze his profile. His straight nose and his strong jaw almost make him look like a
different person than when I look at his whole face. Or maybe it’s the fact that I know he’s still angry. I
know he isn’t angry with me, but still. I don’t like to see him like this. I want him to smile and laugh and
be in a good mood all the time. I don’t want to see him sad. Maybe I should say something.
“I’m really sorry, Pax. About embarrassing you in front of your friends and about… you know… breaking
down in the parking lot.” I tell him.
He turns to look at me in surprise and he shakes his head.
“You didn’t embarrass me, Carmen. You could never embarrass me. And about the breaking down,
that’s not your fault.” He tells me in the sweetest voice.
“I know it’s not my fault but I just want you to know that what you saw is a part of me. I have… issues. I
fear men in general. And I don’t like to go near them.” I explain to him. I did promise the truth.
“Except for me.” He says and smiles a little.
“Except for you.” I nod. “I think I can get used to it, though. Being around other men. I’ll try.” For you.
“And I’m not asking you to understand why every time a guy comes close to me I jump back and run.”
“And scream.” He adds.
“And scream. But I hope you can just accept it. At least for a while. And if it doesn’t go away, you can…
stop… accepting it.”
Wow. Why does that feel like I’m being pierced with a knife over and over again?
Pax laughs ironically. “I don’t think I understand but I sure as hell accept it. If it is a part of you than I
want to have it in my life. No matter how messed up it is. And we’ll work through it, I promise.” He says
and he takes my hand into his.
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I nod. It’s so much more than I could’ve ever asked or dreamed for.
“I’ll try to not break down again.” I promise.
“And I’ll keep the other guys away. Which will be my greatest pleasure.” He says with a grin.
I love this about him. How he can be serious, give me all of his support and then continue laughing and
joking with that unbelievably beautiful grin. He doesn’t let sad things ruin the whole day. He says what
he has to say and then he goes on with it.
I grin. “Something occurred to me, by the way. Am I your girlfriend?” I ask him. I’ve been wanting to ask
him the whole day.
He laughs loudly and then brings my hand to his mouth to kiss the back of my palm.
“You are the most incredible, straight forward person I’ve ever known.” He says, smiling and shaking his
head. I don’t understand and he sees that when he looks at me. “I don’t think another girl would’ve had
the guts to ask me that without fearing she’d blow it or that she was trying to move too fast.” He
explains but I still don’t get it.
“It’s what I’m thinking.” I tell him. I like to tell him what I think. But only him and not always. Just most
of the time when what I’m thinking isn’t very embarrassing.
“I know. It’s just the way you said it. No hesitation and without shying away.” He says squeezing my
hand.
“Oh.” I say, thinking. “Should I have hesitated and shied away?” I ask. I’m trying to understand.
“No. No, no, I’m just saying that that’s what other girls I’ve known would think. I think it’s amazing that
you don’t hesitate to say what’s on your mind.” He says.
“Are we moving too fast?” I ask again. He said that girls are afraid to be moving too fast. I don’t get that,
either. I think I’m very unintelligent.
Pax shrugs. “Normally. But like you said, there’s no such thing as normal. What’s normal for others
might not be normal for us.” He says.
Huh. I never thought about going too fast. I know I’ve only known him for a little over a week but the
way I see him says that I’ve known him my whole life. I don’t think it can be called ‘too fast’ if it feels like
this.
“I like to be near you.” I tell him. That’s why I don’t think it’s ‘going too fast’. He turns to looks at me
with a big bright smile.
“I like to be near you, too. And always be like this. Don’t ever change. Always speak what’s on your
mind, at least to me. And I don’t think we’re moving too fast, either. It feels right. I was just afraid that
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you might be thinking it.” He says. My heart skips a beat because it has never heard something so
wonderful being directed to me. He doesn’t want me to change.
“I don’t.” I tell him, and this time I blush but not because I’m shy. I’m just happy to hear him say those
things. He kisses the back of my palm again.
“And about the girlfriend thing, I don’t know. But I’d really like you to be.” He tells me and we stop on a
red light so he can turn to look at me and see the blush on my face. It keeps getting redder and redder.
I nod. “Okay.” I say. I want to be his girlfriend, too.
“Okay?” He asks, and he touches my cheek lightly.
“Okay.” I repeat with a nod. He leans over and gives me a warm kiss right on the lips. I melt completely. I
forget about the breakout and Timothy’s face and my father’s and Travis’s. They have disappeared.
Then we hear horns. The light is green now and the cars want to move.
Pax breaks the kiss and honks his horn, too, and with a big grin on his face, he drives again.
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Chapter 13
We’ve been driving for half an hour now and singing along to Metallica’s songs. The houses on our sides
are big and beautiful and I think, if heaven was really on earth, it would be here.
“These houses are beautiful.” I tell Pax, mesmerized as I look at the big space, big yards, perfect
architecture, perfect colors.
“Lakeside.” Pax says with a shrug like that’s supposed to make sense.
I don’t know how long we’re going to drive still but I look at the houses while we’re here and try to catch
every detail with my eyes. For my stories.
Until, Pax turns his car to the right and we’re heading straight for two big iron gates. Maybe we’ll pass
by this house’s yard?
Pax opens the widow and presses a button on a small white machine hanging on the pillar that holds the
iron doors.
“Yes?” A voice comes from it.
“It’s me.” Pax says and the next second, the iron doors start to open. Maybe Pax is used to passing
around here through this house. He drives the car inside and I can’t believe the perfection in front of
me.
The house is two stories long and completely white. It’s big, huge. It even has one of those nice
fountains right in front of the stairs that lead to very big white doors.
“This is my parent’s house.” Pax tells me and my mouth touches my knees.
“You’re… you’re rich?” I ask him, incredulous. I knew he had money but I never thought he had this
much. Because only rich people can afford to live in a house so majestic like this, according to my logic.
Pax laughs. He leans and kisses the top of my head.
“No. But my dad is very – how the girl in your story would say – loaded.” He tells me and he gets out of
the car. I follow.
“So that’s why you were angry about the story.” I ask, understanding.
“I wasn’t angry.” He tries but thinks better when I raise my brow at him. “Okay, maybe a little. Come
on.” He says and waits for me to grab his hand. I reluctantly do so. I don’t know if this information
changes things. From what I’ve heard, rich people are mean. Pax is rich but he isn’t mean.
We walk up the three stairs to the front door and Pax doesn’t even knock before it opens. A very young
girl, probably a year older than me, stands there and smiles at Pax.
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“About time.” She says to him and then her smile falls when she sees me.
“Hello, Lauren.” Pax says but doesn’t wait or introduce me to her. Then I realize she’s wearing a nice
white dress with a light pink apron in front of it. She looks like a servant.
They have servants?! Oh, God. No wonder Pax didn’t know the first thing about cleaning.
Pax drags me over inside. A huge set of stairs greet us, right in the middle of the wide hallway. There are
doors on both sides and everything is beige. Even the marble. And the decorating wall papers. Pax drags
me over to the door on our right. He opens them and we’re standing in a kitchen. A very big and very
white kitchen. It looks sterilized. There’s a big dining table for… three… seven… twenty people! Who
needs that? And then there’s a countertop with white and red stools around. On the other side, there
are floor to ceiling windows that show the side of the house, I think. So many beautiful flowers.
“Take a seat. Want something to drink?” Pax asks and moves around to go to a very, very big fridge.
Everything in this house if very big. Without waiting for my replay he pulls two soda cans and hands one
to me. He comes to sit right next to me and he grins.
“Like it?” He asks but I can’t find my voice. I just nod and continue to look around to the cabinets.
“You didn’t call.” Someone says from behind us and I jump, startled.
We turn to see a woman, a gorgeous woman walk over to us from the outside. She’s wearing a nice grey
dress with a set of pearls around her neck. She has blond hair that is tucked behind her head on a bun
and she has easy green eyes.
“You didn’t call, either, mom.” Pax tells her but stands up when she approaches and he hugs her with a
kiss on her cheek.
“I’ve done my share of calling. I should expect you to repay the favor now.” She says and I realize just
now that she has one of those pretty glasses that look like an upside down umbrella filled with
something that has a kind of green color on her hand. Then she looks at me.
“You brought a girl.” Her voice is high and very musical. She smiles, just a little.
“I did. This is Carmen. And this, is my very drunk mother.” Pax tells me and I blush.
“Hello.” I barely manage but she doesn’t offer her hand so I don’t either.
“Nonsense. This is just my third drink today.” She tells Pax, waving her free hand in front of her. “How
are you, Carmen?” She asks me and I think I like the sound of her voice.
“Good, thank you.” I say as I start to feel more at ease.
“And you, son? It’s been two weeks since I saw you. And you brought a girl for the first time in my
house. Should I start preparations or be worried?” She asks Pax and caresses his cheek with her hand.
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My mouth goes dry the same second. I’m the first girl Pax has brought home. He didn’t tell me that. I
didn’t know because if I did, I would’ve said no to coming here.
“Stop that. You’re embarrassing me. And you should do neither.” Pax says but he isn’t being serious
when he slaps her hand away from him.
“Shame.” She says, grinning. I don’t even know her name but I think I like her. She’s nice.
“Tell me about Miranda.” She asks Pax and waves us to sit on the stools again. She goes around the
countertop right across from us but doesn’t sit.
“She’s okay. She said hi and ‘stop drinking those damn margaritas’,” Pax says, making quote marks with
his fingers, “’because they’re going to kill you.’” He finishes.
“Of course they won’t. They’re my friends.” She says with her chin high but grinning mischievously.
“Tell yourself that.” Pax teases. “How have you been? Aside from drunk?” He asks her.
“Great, thank you for asking. God forbid for me to get bored to death in this big house alone all day. I
have a daughter and a son who never call but that’s really no big deal. I’m having a blast!” She says and
sips her drink. I can’t help but smile. She sees me and she smiles, too. I do like her.
“How’s the old man treating you?” Pax asks and I know he’s talking about his father.
“Same old. Still thinks it’s his fault for my drinking problems.” She says waving her hand and looking a
little sad.
“It isn’t?” Pax says like he can’t believe it.
“No.” She says, looking at him with a dark expression. “It isn’t.”
She looks very sad now.
“It’s about time you showed your face here.” A rough, man’s voice came from behind us. “I’ll have a talk
with you.” He says with his finger raised at Pax. He’s a very big man. He looks a little scary. His dark
brown hair is neatly folded on one side and his suit makes him look like one of those businessmen on
the cover of magazines. He radiates money somehow. His narrowed brows and his dark look toward Pax
make me flinch. I lean back in my chair instinctively and I watch Pax.
He rolls his eyes.
“Should’ve known.” Pax mumbles.
“And who is that?!” The man asks and I know he is now looking at me. I try to get as small as I can when
I look across at Pax’s mom. She’s smiling a sorry smile that encourages me a little. She looks nothing like
Pax, I realize.
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“That is Carmen.” Pax shouts back just as angry. I gather enough courage to turn and look at the man,
and mange a quick ‘hello’ before I turn away again.
“Is she the reason why you didn’t answer my calls?!” The man shouts. My eyes close.
“We talked every day!” Pax shouts back.
“I called you more than once a day!” The man complains.
“We don’t have to talk more than once a day. It’s already weird like it is.” Pax says, shaking his head.
“I’m your father!” The man says and he goes around the countertop and to the fridge to get a drink. Pax
winks at me to try and encourage me but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. His shoulders look tense. He
tries to ignore the words his father mumbles under his breath until the man comes back behind us
again.
“And what the hell is that?!” He shouts. Pax stops. Everyone stops. I turn around to look because I
somehow have a bad feeling about this. I see the man pointing right at my ass. I look down to see Pax’s
credit card peeking from the back pocket of my jeans. I quickly take it out.
“This is Pax’s.” I say in a whisper and I drop it in Pax’s hands without looking up. Silence. Thick,
unbelievably awkward silence for too long.
“Studio. Now.” Pax’s father says and he storms out of the room.
“I’ll be right back and then we can get out of here.” Pax tells me and I can see the fury in his eyes. I nod
and he immediately jumps off his seat to go after his father.
I look at his mother and she has one hand in front of her eyes and is shaking her head.
“Every single time.” She mumbles to herself. Then, like she just realized I’m still here, she looks up and
straightens.
“Will you excuse me?” She says an smiles. I try to smile at her too but I can’t. I’m too shocked. She walks
out the door and leaves me alone.
Five minutes later and I’m beginning to get very impatient. I don’t know what to do. I feel like all this is
my fault. I shouldn’t have have pushed Pax to come here. His mother is really nice but his dad is mean. I
don’t like his dad. I jump up on my feet and I go to the door. My nerves won’t let me stand in one place
and maybe if I just look around, the time might pass faster. As soon as I’m outside the lobby, I hear
voices.
They’re coming from across the hall. Not from the doors in front of me but from another door I hadn’t
seen at first, next to it. Right aside the stairway. Before I know what I’m doing, I find myself in front of it.
I can hear everything from the inside clearly.
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“This is unacceptable! Letting a girl use you for your money! Have I taught you nothing?” Dad shouts.
“She’s not using me for my money! Goddamn it, I gave it to her! Stop thinking I’m a worthless,
thoughtless shit!” I shout right back. He’s standing behind his desk and I’m standing on the other side of
the room, right across from him. I want to just jump and punch him but I keep the distance. If he gets
close enough, I won’t be able to help myself.
How dare he insult Carmen?
“You’re my son! I care about you and I don’t want people making a fool out of you.” Dad says a little
calmer now. He knows I always cave when he says things like that. I know he cares but he’s so fucking
possessive. And it’s Carmen we’re talking about now so I don’t intend to give in.
“I’m you son! Exactly! Start treating me like I am, dad. Stop trying to control everything I do. She is not
making a fool of me. You have to trust me to make my own decisions every once in a while.” I try to
reason.
“She had your credit card! Do you know how easily she could’ve stolen from you? Have you checked
your account?” He tells me and my blood boils again. He doesn’t know Carmen and he has no right to
talk about her like that.
“She doesn’t even know how much it’s worth! She doesn’t know how to steal, even if she wanted to.
She’s not a goddamn thief. She’s the best person I’ve ever known! Why can’t you just trust me?!” I
shout. He really messes my each and every nerve.
“Trust you?” He says, like that’s the most ridiculous and idiotic think he’s heard. “How can I trust you
when you leave without notice and then you take days off because of a girl?! Is she staying with you, is
that right?” He asks and I’m a second away from strangling him.
“My sister needed me! Your daughter needed me! Of course I went without notice. And leave Carmen
out of this!” I shout at the top of my voice. I try to think of her face to calm me down. But then I think
about what she would look like if she heard this. I flinch and a shiver runs down my body. She can never
hear this.
“She is staying with you!” He shouts, incredulous. “You need to break up with her. Now.” He yells.
I laugh cynically. I knew it. I fucking knew he’d say that. “No and no! It’s none of your goddamn
business!”
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“You are my business. She leaves right now, Paxton. You didn’t get that apartment so you can kick your
friends out for a girl that’s clearly fooling you and you can’t even see it!”
That’s it. Either I punch him now or I get the hell out of here.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” He calls once I make my way toward the door.
“Away from you. Because you don’t get it. Not everything is about money, dad. People don’t love me
just because of your money. Not her. And you better get used to it because she’s going to be around for
a while.” I spit dryly and try to put all of my disgust in my voice.
His eyes grow wide and he drops on his seat.
“I don’t like her.” He says. The ridiculousness of his words!
“You don’t even know her!” I shout. How can he be like this? Why is he like this?
“I don’t have to know her to know I don’t like her!” He says, slamming his hands on the chair’s arm
holders.
“Yeah well, you don’t have to like her.” I say and I turn around to open the door.
My knees shake violently. There she is, her wide eyes boring into mine. She’s standing there with her
hands folded in front of her, looking completely out of place. Looking scared and hurt. She’s heard
everything.
“Carmen…” I say but she doesn’t run like I expect her to. She just looks up at me with those emerald
eyes filled with pain. I clench my teeth and pull my hands up in fists just so I don’t return inside and beat
the shit out of the man.
“Come on.” I tell her and before I do something stupid, I put my arm around her shaking shoulders and I
walk her outside the house.
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Chapter 14
Two days have passed since I took her to my parents house. I can’t believe I was that stupid. Dad’s been
sending me texts asking me about shit at work. I try not to pay attention but I know I’m going to have to
open my laptop and work on those reports. No one else in that place knows how to do them properly.
Maybe that’s even a good idea. Carmen hasn’t talked to me. We talk, chat but not talk talk. Ever since
we came back from my dad’s, she’s been distant somehow. I’ve tried everything to make her laugh like
we normally do but it doesn’t work. She still hasn’t worn a thing from the clothes I bought her. I know
she’s hurt from everything she heard but she won’t talk to me. I asked her a hundred times but she just
says that my father’s opinion of her is just that. His opinion and that it has nothing to do with her. She
even swore to me that she didn’t know I was rich or about how much a Black American Express is worth.
It kills me that she’s making herself say that. I know she had no clue. She’s spent her whole life being
beaten by her family and once she ran away, she worked as a waitress and lived in a shit hole.
But my father wouldn’t stay put to listen to this even if his life depended on it. And I know that even
though she says it’s okay – she always says it’s okay – I know those words hurt her. I know she’s thinking
about them whenever she looks at me or whenever we eat or drink something. It fucking ruins me to
see her eyes so dim. That’s why she doesn’t wear the new clothes. She even asked me to take a shower!
I want to fucking break my father’s bones. The only girl ever that hasn’t been after his money, and he
calls her a gold digger. Un-fucking-believable. He just can’t believe that someone can like me for just me.
I was never good enough for him. Shit, now I sound like I’m in therapy.
Pax is working. I asked him to go back to work this morning but he says that he can work from home. He
has a laptop, a silver one with the same sign as his phone. It looks expensive… Now that I know,
everything about him looks expensive.
He’s trying so hard to make me believe that he doesn’t care but I know he does. It’s his father’s opinion,
anyway. I’d be surprised if he really didn’t care. But I just feel so out of place now. I look at the
apartment and it’s just cold furniture. Not a place to live. Not a place to stand beside Pax.
I want to forget the things I heard and convince myself to believe in the words I said to Pax but I can’t.
Everything looks different now. And the truth is, Pax’s father has the right to think I’m after his money.
Because I let him take me to California, without paying for a thing. I let myself move into his apartment
and eat his food without paying for a thing. I let him buy me clothes with his card. Of course he’d think
that. I’m surprised Pax doesn’t think that.
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But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think. I want to be with him, close to him, every
second but there is this big barrier in front of us now. And I don’t know what to do to break it.
I turn to look at Pax and my heart shakes. He’s looking at me. His laptop is closed in front of him and he’s
just standing there, watching me. He looks troubled. I’m sure I do, too. I can’t hide it no matter how
hard I try. I wish I was a better actress.
“That’s it!” He says and he stands up to come to me. I look at him in surprise.
“We’re going out. I know you forgot to buy makeup the other day and I know how girls love makeup.
And we’re going to a hairdresser. I need a haircut.” He says and he pulls me up to stand in front of him. I
open my mouth but he won’t let me.
“I don’t want to hear it. We’re going. I’m not sitting here and watching you beat yourself up for
something my clueless father said for another second. Now go and get dressed. We leave in five
minutes.” He tells me and he doesn’t stop there. He drags me to my room, opens the door, takes me
inside and then walks out and closes it. I stare at the white door in front of me for a while.
A part of me tells me that he’s right. I should believe in his words. I know I am not looking to be with him
for his money. I just want to be under his arm and rest my head on his shoulder. And I want to kiss him.
A lot. Something we haven’t done in two and a half days.
Now, I just have to convince my soul to stop being sad. It won't hear. But I can make it. Pax is right.
Maybe going out for a walk with him will help.
I inhale deeply and I open my closet. It’s half full now. I don’t think I’ve had this many clothes ever
before in my life. So many colors and so many choices. I don’t know how other girls that have their
closets twice this big and full, do it. It’s impossible to choose what to wear right now. I pick up a new
pair of jeans and a nice V necked, honey colored shirt. I pick a pair of new, red flats Pax bought me and
then I turn to my underwear. I have bras of every color now. Even green. But mostly black. I pick a bra
that is white but not exactly white and it’s covered in satin in front and lacy in the back. I even pick
matching panties. I get dressed in a hurry and look in the mirror to check how my hair looks. Its curly
normal self.
When I step out of my room, Pax is on the phone with someone. I hear him give someone an address
and then he sees me walk to him. He smiles widely as his eyes scroll down my body approvingly. I blush
a little but I like to know that he likes it. He hangs up after saying ‘yes, all, thank you’ and then he comes
to me.
“You look beautiful.” He tells me and makes me smile a little.
I don’t have to tell him he looks beautiful, too. He knows. His white cotton shirt and his dark jeans look
expensive now that I know. But they suit him perfectly.
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“Let’s go.” He says and he takes my hand in his. We walk for a few minutes only and stop when we find a
makeup store. The place is like the makeup dream land. I shouldn’t have come here. I don’t know what
to pick. I don’t know how to do makeup, first of all. I only know how to apply lipstick.
“I have no clue what any of this is, but I have an errand to run quickly so I’ll leave you to inspect here
and I’ll be right back.” Pax tells me looking at a table filled with all kinds of foundations.
I look up at him in panic. He wants to leave me alone?
“I’ll just take twenty minutes, Carmen. I swear, you won't even notice. I’ll be right back.” He says but I
don’t want to stay.
“I’ll go with you.” I tell him. Screw makeup.
“No, you stay here. You buy your makeup and then we’ll go for my haircut. Trust me, you won't even
notice I’m gone.” He tells me and he waves a girl who has been looking at us from the beginning over.
He kisses me quickly on the mouth and he smiles warmly. I don’t feel like smiling. I don’t want to be
away from him. What if a guy comes close to me? I look around. Pax is the only guy in the store.
The blond girl with very short hair comes over and smiles widely.
“She’ll take… um, makeup. Whatever that includes. Everything it includes. I’ll be back in a bit.” He tells
her and then he winks at me, gives me another quick kiss and leaves. I watch him go out the door and
walk down the street until I can no longer see him. I sigh and turn to the girl.
“Quite a catch.” She says, raising her brow and nodding her head at the door. I know she means well but
I don’t like her saying it. I just smile and nod.
“Are those Rag&bones?” she asks and looks at my jeans. I have no idea what she’s talking about. “Oh my
God, it’s the new collection! I love it. They’re fabulous.” She says excited and steps around me to look at
my jeans. I have no clue of what to say so I don’t say anything. I try to concentrate on the foundation in
front of me.
“So what are you looking for?” She asks me and I can tell her smile isn’t fake like the other girls’ smiles.
Maybe she’s nice. Her eyes are a nice shade of brown and her nose is almost as small as mine is. Her
face is round and strangely, the short hair – just a little longer than Pax’s hair, suits her perfectly.
I shrug. “I don’t know. Just makeup.” I tell her.
“Well then, let’s start right here. You need to find the right foundation for your skin or else everything
you put on that beautiful face will look bad.” She says and she opens the glass of the table to take out a
palette filled with all shades of beige. I already miss Pax. I don’t feel very comfortable alone here. I look
back at the door hoping I’ll see him coming. But he’s not there. I’m nervous. I should’ve just stayed
inside. Maybe told him that it’s my birthday. Then, maybe he would’ve let me stay inside.
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“Come on. Let’s get started already.” The girl says and smiles widely at me before she turns to walk
ahead. I follow her.
It’s been one hour. One hour in which I have learned to apply foundation and eye shadow and blush.
One hour and Pax is still not here. Now, Kim is teaching me about eyeliner and mascara. She says that
the coral lipstick suits me best. And then, also hot wine red for when I got out at night because it makes
my eyes pop. I let her work on my eye brows and then apply foundation on my face. She says she’ll just
use a naked brown color for my eyes for a natural tone. Whatever that means, since makeup is not
natural. Now she’s showing me how to apply black liner. It really looks much easier than it is done. I look
at the door again but still no Pax.
Kim is really nice, actually. She told me everything there is to know about makeup, or so she said. She
thinks I’m pretty and my eyes are gorgeous. I’m quoting here. But I’m maybe, just maybe, starting to
believe that my eyes aren’t really devilish like they said.
Kim gives me the eyeliner and offers me the mirror. “Just go slowly. Rest your hand on your cheek and
make a straight line.”
I try to concentrate. It really is difficult. I touch the tip of the liner to my eye. I make a line almost
without looking. I open my eye. I think it looks good.
“Great! Now the other.” Kim says when I show it to her and she claps her hands. Must be exciting for
her but then, it’s a little for me too, to learn how to do make up. I make the other line. It’s not the same
as the first eye but I don’t think anyone will notice. I turn to show Kim when I see Pax on the side.
“Hey.” He says smiling and I jump from my seat to go hug him.
“Whoa, baby. You missed me?” He says grinning, and hugging me back.
“No.” I lie but he knows that. “I’m coming with you next time.” I tell him because he said twenty minutes
and it’s been an hour and five minutes so far. I let him go because I know I must look ridiculous but I
gasp when I see his shirt. Right where my cheek rested. It’s stained with my foundation.
Pax looks down curiously to see what I’m staring at and he laughs.
“I’m sorry…” I say. I never wore foundation before so I didn’t remember that I can stain his shirt.
“Don’t worry about it.” Pax says and keeps smiling.
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“I forgot…” I try to say but he stops me.
“It’s okay, babe. I don’t care. Looks kinda good, actually.” He says looking down at his shirt. It doesn’t
really look good. He’s just trying to make me feel good.
“Did you get everything?” He asks me. I nod. And then he stops and stares at me. I don’t know if
something’s on my face but I touch my cheek just to make sure. He takes my hand away.
“You look amazing.” Pax says grinning. “But I don’t know about lipstick. It might have to come off.” He
says and I know what he means. Kissing. I grin right back. It’s been two days since we’ve done that.
“What? You don’t like lipstick smeared all over your face?” I tease bluntly.
His eyes grow a little dark immediately. “I definitely don’t.” He says and then, I hear Kim cough. We’re
probably making her uncomfortable. We were two seconds away from kissing. I blush and turn to her.
“Everything ready?” Pax asks her. She smiles and winks at me.
“Everything.” She says. “But I expect you bring her again soon. We haven’t gone through lip glosses and
powders still. And maybe I’ll even steal her for a coffee.” She says, holding her hips and grinning.
“Well then, we have to come back.” Pax says and I smile warmly at Kim. She really is nice. I think I’d like
to have coffee with her.
We make our way out of the store, we walk for a couple more minutes and Pax takes me inside a
hairdresser. It’s obvious that everyone knows him there. He probably gets his haircut there all the time.
But when a woman turns to me and asks me what I want to do, I just shake my head. My hair is longer
than it has been for a while but I can just cut it myself. But Pax tells me to go ahead if I want to do
something. I tell him I don’t but the lady, who is probably a hairdresser herself, touches my hair and my
tips and says that whoever cut them the last time has done a terrible job. I don’t tell her that it was me.
No one ever noticed if they were cut straight or not. They are just a mess of curls.
“And how about some color?” She says, touching my hair. Pax smiles. I don’t want to color my hair even
though I don’t like it. But maybe he likes it? So I ask him.
He shrugs. “I love it the way it is but if you want to, color it.” He says and I smile.
“No coloring.” I tell the lady and the next minute I’m sitting in front of a very big mirror with all kinds of
scissors and brushes in front of me, as she prepares to cut my hair. I tell her to not go further than the
line of my jaw and she agrees. She seems nice enough. Her eyes are too blue to be her real color and her
dark brown hair makes her look like she’s angry but she isn’t. She just looks serious.
Half an hour later, and she’s blow drying my hair. She says I have nice curls. I don’t tell her I don’t. Pax is
finished and he’s waiting for me. He’s always waiting for me. I’m afraid he’ll get bored but every time I
turn to look at him, he smiles warmly.
And then, finally it’s done.
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“Perfect.” Pax says. He always uses that word. I know I am far from perfection but to think he thinks I am
close, makes me want to try.
I realize while we make our way outside the hairdresser, that I am living for him now. He likes black and I
buy black. He likes my makeup and I buy it. He says he likes my hair color and I don’t change it. Yes, I’m
definitely living for him.
Something pulls my insides in a tight grip. I don’t know what it means.
Oh, but you do! You’re in love.
I can’t breathe. I am telling myself in my head that I am in love. I’m in love?
I’m in love with Pax. I can’t be in love with Pax. Am I in love with Pax?
Dizzy.
I’ve just met him two weeks ago. And I know that falling in love takes time. I like him. I just like him.
You love him.
I don’t love him. No, I can’t love him. But I think I do. Shit. I’m in trouble. I have nothing and I am in love
with a guy who has everything. What if he doesn’t want me? What if he wakes up tomorrow and he’s
had enough of me and he tells me that I’m not his girlfriend anymore?
I want to be his girlfriend always.
“Hey, you there?” Pax calls ma and waves his hand in front of my face. I look at his warm smile and
warm chocolate eyes. They seem so sincere, so adoring of me. I smile a little.
“Sorry, just zoned out a little.” I tell him but I don’t dare say where I went.
Maybe he’ll fall in love with me, too. Maybe, if I say so, if I say I love you, he’ll say he loves me, too. In a
while, maybe?
Yes, yes. Maybe he will.
I know it’s a lie. I’m not someone people fall in love with. But apparently, according to the voices in my
head and to the feelings in my body, I love him and I’m going to keep taking what he can give me. Until
he’s had enough of me. And then, I’ll think of what I’ll do. It won't be pretty but for now, I choose to
think that he’ll love me too, someday.
My head is a mess.
“Hey, Amanda!” Pax calls at a woman coming in our direction. I’m thankful for the distraction.
“Paxy! Oh, God, look at you.” The woman calls and gives him a big hug the second she’s close enough.
She looks older than Pax. She has dark blond, long hair and a small mouth. She’s big but curvy.
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“Still calling me Paxy, I see.” Pax says, faking irritation. He looks cute when he does that, the way the
beginnings of his brows go high and his eye corners wrinkle a little.
“You’ll always be Paxy to me.” She tells him with a grin and then looks at me. She smiles brightly.
“Who’s this?” She asks Pax but doesn’t stop smiling or looking at me.
“This is Carmen. My girlfriend.” Pax says and this time, I smile. I didn’t think hearing him introduce me to
people as his girlfriend could make my heart pound and my fingers shake. It feels incredible.
“Hi.” I offer with a quick wave.
“Hello, there, Carmen. Girlfriend?” She says and then turns to Pax.
He nods and blushes a little bit. And then Amanda pushes her head back and laughs.
“Finally! I thought I’ll never see this day!” She says and then abruptly comes to me and gives me a quick,
tight hug. Before I realize what happened, she took her place in front of us again and now she’s staring
with that smile that I think is reserved for when old people look at young people and remember good
times.
“Adorable.” She says and folds her hands under her chin. Her blue eyes shine and her small mouth is still
smiling.
“Stop it. Now.” Pax says, giggling, and then he turns to me.
“This is Amanda. She’s my sister’s best friends. And a real life nightmare.” He tells me but I know from
his grin that he’s just teasing her.
Amanda slaps him lightly in the arm. “Oh, you little monkey.” She says, giggling.
“You up for coffee?” He asks her, probably seeing that I’m okay with it. I like Amanda.
She shakes her head reluctantly. “I can’t! I’m swamped! I have these big news coming up and
everything’s a mess and I can’t… argh!” She says rubbing her face.
“Amanda is a magazine editor.” Pax tells me. I nod and smile at her. I’ve read once about it.
“Yeah, who’s currently doing the work of a copy editor.” She says, rolling her eyes.
“Why?” Pax asks her.
“Because the last douche I had almost cost me my job! And now I can’t find anyone in such short
notice!” She cries and all of the sudden, I shiver.
“I can do it.” I say. She stops shaking her head. I stop breathing. Pax is the only one who’s smiling.
“She’s a book nerd.” He says to Amanda, nodding his head.
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“You’re a copy editor?” She asks me, raising her brows in hope.
I shake my head. “No. I’m not but I just… see grammatical errors. That’s what copy editors do, right?”I
ask again to double check. I read about it before but I need to make sure.
“Yes. That’s exactly what they do. But…” She says and then Pax stops her.
“Send her a piece. See how she does and then if you don’t like it, it’s fine.” He tells her. I don’t see
anything but her face as I wait for her response.
“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t have time to…” She says and I can almost feel my heart break.
“Amanda, one piece. And you’ll have it ready in the morning.” Pax insists and I want him to stop. Of
course she wouldn’t trust me. I don’t have any experience. I don’t have anything. She looks at me with
doubt clear in her eyes but she nods. I think I let out a gasp.
“Okay. Give me your email.” She says and my breath catches in my throat again.
“Just send it to me.” Pax says and tightens his grip around my hand. I feel like I’m not touching the
ground anymore.
“Okay. But first thing in the morning, Carmen. Or my boss is going to fire me. No joke.” She says but
she’s smiling now.
“First thing in the morning.” I repeat with a nod and my cheeks hurt from the big smile I have on my
face. I think I’m going to stay up all night long and work on whatever she sends me. I have never, not
once, made a grammatical mistake. I can do this.
I can do this. Please, let me do this right.
“How is she, have you talked to her?” Amanda asks Pax, all serious now.
“Saw her last week. Same old.” Pax says and he tightens his grip around my again. He’s got that dark
shadow on his face now. I think they’re talking about his sister but I don’t know for sure.
“I wish she’d just come home.” Amanda says and shakes her head. “I think I’m going to Skype her
tonight and yell all of this week’s frustration at her face.” She says, thoughtfully.
“Do that.” Pax says and they hug each other again. Then Amanda turns to me.
“Don’t let me down, Carmen. And take care of my boy.” She tells me and the blood immediately rushes
to my cheeks. I don’t intend to let her down. I can’t wait to start working. I just smile at her and wave my
hand weakly.
“She’s blushing! Sweet! Going now!” She says to Pax, folding her hands under her chin again before she
turns and walks away from us with a wave.
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“Oh, God!” I gasp once we’re alone again. Pax immediately puts his arms around me and hugs me to
him.
“Do you hate me for saying I can do it? I shouldn’t have said it like that! It was weird! She must think I’m
weird for jumping like that! She didn’t even ask…” I explode.
“Hey, hush. Hush.” Pax tells me, grabbing my face in his hands.
“I don’t hate you. And you did wonderful for saying it. Because I know you can do it. I know how much
you love writing and reading and I know you’ll nail it.” He says and the trust he has in me makes me
panic even more.
“But I’ve never worked anything else but as a waitress before!” I cry.
“You’re too smart to be a waitress. And here’s your chance to prove it. If you do a good job like I know
you will, then you won't have to work as a waitress ever again. You’ll work as a copy editor in one of the
best magazines in the US.” He tells me and his smile is mirroring my own. Until I remember.
“I don’t have papers.” I tell him. I feel like I’m about to start crying now. I can’t get a job, a real job
without papers.
“We’ll think of something. I’ll talk to Amanda. But first, you need to blow her mind.” He says grinning
and he makes it sound so easy that for a second, I believe him. I hope it’s going to be as easy. But for
now, I’ll just close my eyes and do what I do best. I wait for what it’s coming for me and I accept it.
Maybe, since it’s my birthday, this is the gift life is giving me. A chance to prove myself. I hope I won't let
myself down.
“Get your laptop.” I urge Pax as soon as he closes the door.
“Go change first.” He tells me.
“I’ll change later. I need to see what she sent me. And I need a pad to write on it.” I tell him.
“You don’t need a pad for that. I’ll show you how to work on the computer.”
“What? No, I don’t know how. I’ll write it down on a piece of paper.” I tell him.
He takes my face in his hands again. “First, you’re fucking adorable when you panic unnecessarily.
Second, I’ll show you how to work on the laptop. It’s a piece of cake, you’ll see. And third, go change
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first.” He tells me and I can’t help but smile. But I’m just more nervous than before. I don’t know how to
work on a computer. I’ve seen computers but never actually worked on them.
I remind myself to breath. Nothing good comes from panic. I turn to head for my room. Pax comes after
me. He’s not going to look while I change, that’s for sure, but I don’t tell him to stop. I’ll just change in
the closet and he can wait for me. I open the door to my room and I almost fall on my knees. I let out a
scream and I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry.
The whole bed, every inch of it and the carpet and the nightstands are filled with notebooks. Notebooks
of every kind, every color, ever shape and every size. I don’t think I’m breathing and my heart keeps
fighting to get out of my rib cage.
“Do you like them?” Pax whispers from behind me. Do I like them? I love them! I want to cry and scream
and dance and run at the same time! He bought me notebooks! So many notebooks.
“You… you…” I can barely speak. I can’t form a thought other than he bought me notebooks. “Bought
me… notebooks.” I tell him. That’s the only thing I can think about.
“I did. I saw the way you looked at them in the bookstore. And I didn’t know which ones you liked so I
got one from every kind.” He says. He got one from every kind. He bought me notebooks.
I turn around abruptly and I hug him. I hug him with all my strength and now all I can think about is that
I love him. I love him because he gives me life. He gave me life when he saved me from my brother,
when he took me to California and he gave me life when he gave me a way to write my stories down. I
don’t think he realizes how much this means to me. I’ve dreamed of having my room filled with
notebooks so many times. I love him. He literally makes my dreams come true.
“How’d you know?” I ask him in a whisper but I don’t let him go. He must’ve known that it’s my birthday
to do something so special for me, even though I don’t remember telling him the date.
“Know what?” Pax asks, holding me in his arms.
“That it’s my birthday?”
He stops, takes my shoulders and makes me lean back so he can look at my face.
“Today is your birthday?” He asks, wide eyes. I nod.
“Why didn’t you say so?”
I shrug. “It didn’t come up.”
“It didn’t come up?! Are you kidding me?” He says and he laughs. He takes my face in his hands and he
kisses me, emptying my lungs of air. My hands are on his strong arms and my fingers try to push inside
his skin from the intensity of his lips on mine.
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“I can’t believe it. I’m so glad I got you this, than.” He says and hugs me again. He didn’t know it was my
birthday and he still bought me so many notebooks? I’m the one that can’t believe it. He bought me
notebooks for no reason other than I liked them.
“Happy birthday, baby.” He whispers against my hair and I squeeze him tighter in my arms, trying to
hold the tears that are gathered in my eyes.
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Chapter 15
“Meet Mister Microsoft Word.” Pax says to me. I’m looking at the screen of his laptop where a blue
page with a white letter in the middle is showing. There are all kinds of things on it, things I can’t wait to
explore. But a part of my mind is stuck inside my room, where all the new notebooks are waiting. I can’t
wait to start writing on them.
“Okay.” I say and I nod.
“Now, you just type whatever words you want to type on the keyboard here. This text here is what
Amanda sent me for you.” He says and opens another page that’s the same but is filled with letters. I get
closer to look. I nod.
“Word has its dictionary, which means it knows when words are written in the wrong way and it
underlines them with red, or when the words are written correctly but are used in the wrong way, which
are underlined with green. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that Word is right.” He explains. I’m excited
to start and it actually looks a lot easier than I thought it would be.
“You scroll the mouse to get the arrow where you want it and then you click it to start there. Like this,”
Pax says and shows me, “and now you can start from the beginning and move with the arrows right
here. You want to delete something, you press backspace and you want to add something, you just type
in the letters.” He says and I nod again. Got it.
“Go ahead and try.” Pax says and moves the laptop in front of me.
I take a close look at everything on the screen. I’ve learned in theory about Word but I’ve never used it
because our school was too small and too poor to afford computers, or so they said.
I check the text in front of me and then I start. I click the arrow to the very first letter. I prepare my
fingers on the keyboard and then I start reading.
Thirty minutes later, and I think this is the easiest thing in the world to do. I’ve corrected exactly thirty
two sentences and I can’t believe people get paid to do this.
“It’s not working.” I call to Pax. I keep clicking on the arrow but it won't go any further. Pax, who’s been
watching Discovery Channel until now, comes over to the table.
“What’s not working?” He asks, looking at the screen.
“This. It’s stuck. It won't move.” I tell him, pressing the right arrow again.
“It’s not stuck. This is it. It’s all the text. There’s nothing more. See the scroll here? It tells you how long
the document is. And since it’s at the bottom, there’s no more.” He tells me and I look at him, surprised.
“That’s it? There’s no more?” I ask, looking at him wide eyed.
“Yeah. You finished this?” He asks.
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“I’ve checked every sentence three times and everything is written the right way now. But, this is it?” I
say because it can’t be. It’s was just a page and a half.
“Well, yeah. It’s a magazine so the texts aren’t long. Plus, I’m sure Amanda send something simple to
test you first.” He tells me and then he shows me how to save the document. It’s really easy to do,
actually. He grabs my hands and pulls me up.
“Now you need a break because if you read it all three times, you won't see mistakes if you read it again
right away.” He tells me.
“No, I’ll just check it again.” I say because I’m really nervous. What if I blew it? What if I did nothing
right? Pax would be disappointed.
“No, you need a break. One hour and then you can read it again.” He says and pulls me over to the sofa.
“And I can think of a way to make that hour seem like a minute. You know, just because it’s your
birthday.”
He drops on the sofa and pulls me close to him. One of my legs is on his lap and I already know from the
grin on his face and the way he’s looking at me, what he means. He hasn’t kissed me in two days. Just
the thought makes me fluster and I flush.
“So,” he says, playing with my hair, “we’re good?”
I nod immediately. I don’t say sorry for the way I acted the last two days because I know he won't hear
it. And because I know that I’ve tried to put his father’s words and my own doubts behind me, but I
couldn’t. What he did for me today, though, helped a lot. I still feel bad for what his father thinks but it’s
okay as long as Pax wants me.
“We’re good.” I whisper with a smile.
He pulls my head up to face him and I see the chocolate in his eyes is already starting to heat. His sweet
breath blows in my face and makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I look at his lips and they
catch me in their spell. I lean in because I must taste them immediately. They look good enough to eat
and I think I am hungry.
I kiss him. The second our lips touch, colors burst in front of my closed eyes. When a sound of pleasure
escapes his throat, my hands are already tugging at his hair. He puts his arms under me and pulls me
completely on his lap, never breaking the kiss. His tongue crashes violently with my lips and I open up
for him, unable to hold a cry of my own. Adrenaline is pumping blood in my ears as his insatiable mouth
devours mine and his hands move along my back, and my waist, and my stomach. I feel drunk but it’s
much better than what it felt like when I had beer. I’m drunk on desire. I touch his face and break the
kiss for a second. He makes a growl like sound in protest but I keep going. I want to kiss every inch of his
beautiful face. And so I do, slowly, lingering. My lips move with fire and it’s like they’re made to be
forever connected to his skin. Once I reach his dimple and the corner of his mouth, his patience runs out
and he grabs my hair, adjusting my mouth to his. I don’t complain. I think I can do this all night. In
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moments like this, there is no world. No time. My mind is magnificently empty and my father, brothers,
his father, and my life for eighteen years don’t exist. Nothing but his kiss and the touch of his hands is
freeing for me.
His hand moves down my back and to my ass. He squeezes lightly and my back arches a little. He knows
what that means so his hand is now all over the back of my jeans. His other hand slowly gets under my
shirt. Bright, fire-like colors splash on my body. He stops his hand on my stomach and as much as I like it
there, I need it to move. Explore. I don’t break the kiss to tell him so because his mouth is my sanctuary,
but I put my hand on his elbow and I push his hand up. He gets the idea and his fingers slowly move up
from my stomach, to my waist and then they touch my bra. I’m glad I wore the satin covered ones
because they are soft to touch. His fingers move along the cup of them until they reach my skin. His
hand goes up under my shirt until my neck and then it comes down again. I freeze a little with
anticipation, until his hand slides down inside my bra. An unbelievable sound of pleasure escapes my
throat and my back arches completely, making me break the kiss, and making my breasts move toward
his hand. He growls and moans over and over again as he keeps kissing my neck and playing softly with
my breast.
I’m in pure ecstasy. My center, right between my thighs is burning. It’s craving Pax’s touch and I have no
idea how to tell him, because I can’t speak. I don’t think I know how right now. Pax’s hand that’s on my
back and cupping my ass moves down to my thighs, and my legs, that are on his lap, open instinctively.
I’m burning. It’s so damn hot. I need to kiss him again. I lean down and I claim his delicious mouth as we
both make sounds that create the perfect background music for what we are doing.
I feel his hand get in between my legs, to my thighs. My body tries to push itself toward it. His fingers of
his other hand are now playing with my other nipple. I wonder, if his fingers feel so good, what will his
mouth on them feel like?
His other hand slides further up my thighs, calling for my complete attention. I’m pulsating down there,
and I never thought that would be even possible. But his hand stops. It doesn’t move further up. I need
him to keep moving. I let go of his hair and I put my hand above his.
“Move.” I whisper, breaking the kiss for just one second and I seal his lips again. He groans and doesn’t
wait. His hand touches me right where I’m burning and pulsating like a heart on fire. I shout from the
unbelievable sensation and Pax lets me lie down on the sofa. He sets himself above me but he never
breaks the kiss. He keeps rubbing his hand against me above my jeans, and God, I hate these jeans.
They’re standing in the way. I think I’m in danger of exploding from feeling so much. My body rocks
against his hand, all on its own accord.
“Look at me.” Pax whispers, breaking the kiss and making me open my eyes to look at him.
His face looks wild and divine above me. He looks hungry and his eyes tell me he can’t get enough. I
know mine tell him the same thing. He rubs his hand against my jeans again, making me moan and push
my head back, closing my eyes. His other hand grabs my chin lightly and he whispers again.
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“Look at me, baby. I want to see your eyes.” He tells me and my lids magically open and my eyes find his
again. And then he keeps working. I cry in pleasure as my body shakes and spits fire from every pore but
I keep his eyes. I keep looking at him and the way he’s biting his lower lip with his perfect teeth makes
the view in front of me the sexiest, hottest I’ve ever seen. And it just adds to what he is doing to my
body.
“Baby, we have to stop.” He whispers but he doesn’t. His fingers keep playing with me and my hips
keeps moving in rhythm with his. I don’t want to stop but I know we have to. I touch his hard chest and
let my hands explore shamelessly while I look at him close his eyes in pleasure from my touch.
He stops his hand from rubbing, leaving me disappointed but he never breaks contact with my body. He
moves his hand up to the band of my jeans, under my shirt and to my breasts again and his eyes watch
me intently as his fingers play with me and my chest pushes against his hands, and I moan in pleasure. I
don’t close my eyes even though instinct tells me to. I let him see everything of me. He saw me break
down from fear. Now I want him to see me break down from the pleasure of his touch.
I know we have to stop soon, as his hand moves to my other breast to do what he did to the first one. I
can clearly think of only three words.
Best. Birthday. Ever.
I’m playing with the salad in my plate like it’s my favorite toy. I should eat it but I'm not that hungry
anymore. Not since Pax told me that he has to go to the office today. Just today and then he’ll be here
the whole week. I don’t want to get in the way of his work and I asked him to go myself, but I am a little
panicked. Okay, a lot panicked.
What will I do alone? What if someone comes? What if someone breaks in and I have no clue what to
do?
What if they find me?
They won't find me. They can’t find me. How can they possibly find me in the middle of California?
Inside an apartment?
Same as Travis found you in New York. By chance. You know you have luck issues. Someone says in my
head.
Shut up. I tell it. I can’t think like that. Before I saw Travis in New York, I never thought I’d get to see
them ever again. But then, there he was, and if it wasn’t for Pax…
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A shiver makes my fingers twitch.
No, I just have to believe like I believed before I saw him in Bronx, that there’s no chance he can find me.
Not here, not now. I’m just being childish.
Pax walks out of his room and my fork drops from my hand, on the plate, table and then floor, making
annoying clinging noises. Pax grins. He knows. Of course he knows. Look at him!
He’s wearing a suit. A black suit with a white, almost grey button up shirt and no tie. The first two
buttons of the shirt aren’t done. He looks exactly like I’ve pictured Greek gods in my head when I read a
book about them. Breathtakingly beautiful, sexy arrogant, strong.
What the hell is wrong with me? Breath, Carmen. Breathe.
“You look hungry.” Pax says, teasing me. I finally have the sense to look down at my plate. I am hungry
now, but not for food. I should stop thinking about how his pants fit him and how his jacket looks like it’s
been molted just for his wide shoulders. He looks painted. Dangerous. His fingers, what they did to me
last night… Just stop thinking!
“It’s okay to stare, you know.” Pax says, coming to sit next to me. God, he smells heavenly, too. He looks
freshly shaved and in the best mood. He smells like how I imagine the ocean would smell. Fresh and
unique.
“I mean, I know I’m awesome. So go ahead. Let your eyes feast on this.” He says waving his hands over
his body dramatically. I giggle. I know he’s teasing me and I love the way he jokes. I also know that there
is absolutely no way of arguing with his words. But, I know how to make him drop that gorgeous smile
and make his face look like it did yesterday when we kissed and… kissed on the sofa. For almost two
hours. Straight. I flush at the thought but I hold myself and I prepare my line.
“True. And frankly, I’d very much like to see what it would look like, if I, say, get that jacket off of you,
slowly, and then unbutton your shirt. But since you’re leaving, I know I can’t.” I sigh dramatically. “It sure
would’ve been fun.” I add and then I stare like a maniac at his neck, shoulders and strong chest. I bite
my thumb to keep from laughing. His mouth is wide open and he’s face looks even darker than it did
yesterday. But after ten seconds, that’s all I can take. I laugh.
He pushes his head back and smiles, rolling his eyes.
“You’re going to kill me one day.” He says sighing and shaking his head.
“You asked for it.” I point out, raising my brows but still laughing.
He laughs, too. “But seriously, though, keep killing me.” He says and then kisses me.
I feel like a little girl who can’t help her giant grin on her face. My fingers and toes are curled and my
heart is beating loudly. I can’t believe I’m living this.
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Pax breaks the kiss all too soon and stands up. I frown and this time, I want to really stop him from going
to work. Work means other women and if anyone sees him like I am seeing him right now, they’ll jump
in over their heads for him. Just the thought makes me itchy.
“Gotta go now. Miss me.” He says, grinning.
I already do but I roll my eyes at him. I stand up to walk with him to the door.
“Amanda should call soon and I’ll call you on the land line phone.” He says, pointing at the white phone
on my left. I nod. I keep trying to break my fingers off. I’m trying to not show him how nervous I am but
it’s hard.
“Hey,” he says, pulling my chin up, “you’ll be fine. Imagine you’re Snow White and I’m the seven dwarfs.
Only, I am a hell of a lot sexier.” He jokes, grinning. I can’t help but grin back. “Don’t open the door for
anyone, especially an old woman that wants to give you an apple. Whatever she says, Don’t. Believe
Her.” He tells me shaking his index finger in front of my face with a dead serious expression.
It’s like I have to smile widely. He kisses my forehead and opens the door.
“Lock the door once I leave and seriously, if you feel even a little bit unsure, don’t open the door and call
me. My cell number is on speed dial. Okay?” He says and I feel even worse, like e little girl being left
alone for the first time in her big, haunted house.
I lived in Bronx alone for a year for God’s sake! I suck it up and I inhale deeply.
“Okay. I’ll be fine. I’ll just write all day and then you’ll be back home.” I tell him and the last word gets
stuck in my throat.
Home. Like it’s our place, not his. What the hell was I thinking?! I blush instantly and lower my head. I
didn’t mean to say it like that. I swear I don’t think of this being my permanent residence.
Now, I just wish I could tell him that. He leans in and gives me another kiss.
“I’ll be back before you know it.” He says and he’s smiling, not even a bit uncomfortable with my stupid
referral to his apartment as my home.
Seriously, Carmen!
But he leaves. I watch him and he keeps his head turned until he reaches the elevator. I stand by the
door and he turns completely to face me while he waits. My God, but he is gorgeous! I really don’t want
him seen by any other female eyes. I think I’ve been replaced by an alien.
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Chapter 16
The bell rings. My hand shakes and I make a mess of the page I’m writing on. I look at the clock and my
heart quickly picks up the beating. It’s only one. Pax said he won't be here until four.
My whole body starts to shake. Who can it be? Could they have found me?
“No, no, no.” I chant to myself, closing my eyes and hoping that maybe I misheard. Maybe the bell didn’t
ring.
The bell rings again. My body jerks and I stand up on my feet. I look around the house and find the
phone. I want to run to it and call Pax. I don’t want them to find me. I can’t let them find me.
The bell rings. Again and again and again. Three times. I’m frozen in place. I’m sweating. I can’t breathe.
Oh, God, they’ve found me! And Pax isn’t here! I think about running to my room. I want to, but my feet
are pinned to the floor. I’d rather die than let them touch me again.
I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I need to leave. I need Pax. Now.
The whole room spins in front of me.
“Paxy! Open up, boy! Come on, it’s me!” I hear a female voice. My body falls back on the sofa, too weak
to stand straight anymore.
It’s not them. They’re not women. They are men. It’s not them!
I want to go to the door and hug whoever is on the other side for not being them but my body feels like
jelly. I can’t move a finger.
“Pax!” The woman shouts again. She’s angry now.
“It’s Amanda, you pig! Open up!”
It’s Amanda. Amanda! For a second, I think about the witch from Snow White. But a wave of energy
crashes over me once I think about the piece I edited for her. I jump on my feet and I run to the door.
I look into the spy and sure enough, Amanda’s round face is there. I think Pax would’ve wanted me to
open the door for her. Yeah, he would. So I do. I quickly unlock the door and open it.
“I’m going to kill him.” Amanda blurts and walks in, around me and inside the living room. “Where is
he?” She asks.
I’m careful to lock the door again before I go after her.
“Um, he’s working. At work. I’m… alone.” I tell her. I feel like shit for making her wait. She’s clearly
angry. But her face softens immediately as she looks at me. She smiles.
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“Oh. Sorry about that then. I could use a glass of cold water.” She says and I turn to the kitchen, thankful
again that it’s her.
I am a crazy mess of nerves now. What is she doing here? Pax said she would call. Maybe she just wants
to tell me that my work sucked in person. Shit. I liked that work. I hand the glass of water to her and she
sits down on the sofa. It’s clear she’s been here before. She seems at ease. I sit on the recliner, unsure of
what to say or do. Should I offer her something? Yeah, I probably should.
“Do you want… coffee, or tea, or…” I say and then I close my eyes. Tea? In the middle of summer?
“Oh, no. I have to get going. I just wanted to talk to you about the article you edited yesterday.” She
says and she’s smiling a little. Probably because she feels sorry for me. But it’s okay. I can work as a
waitress. It’s okay, I tell myself and then I nod.
“Okay.” I say halfheartedly.
“Quite frankly, yesterday I agreed to give you the piece just for Pax’s sake. I didn’t really think you could
do it.” She says and I look down at my feet. I hate it when people don’t just say what they mean up
front, exactly when they think it. But I did know she said okay for Pax’s sake so I wasn’t surprised. What
surprised me were her next words.
“What I didn’t know then was how impressed I would be! The article looks phenomenal! It was just
another story in the beginning but now it looks incredible!” She says, clapping her hands and smiling
hugely.
My mouth falls open and goes dry as a desert. I wait for her words to make sense to my brain.
“Congratulations!” She screams and she leans in to grab my hand. My first instinct is to jerk my hand
back. And that would’ve worked if I was actually capable of moving. I feel her warm fingers squeeze
mine tightly before she sits back on the sofa again.
“Aren’t you going to say something?” She asks and her smile falters a little. It isn’t her fault since I’m
standing, looking at her like a dumbfounded idiot with eyes wide and mouth open.
She thinks my work was good. Phenomenal!
“I… I-I-I” Oh, great. Now I’m stuttering. I force myself to get a grip.
“Thank you so much. I… thank you.” I say because that’s the only thing that comes to my mind. I just
want to thank her for thinking that about me.
“Oh, thank you! But I do want to know one thing, though.” She says, her expression changing to serious
abruptly. “Did Pax help you? And did he tell you to change the sentences, too? Because almost half of
them are changed completely.” She says. My breath catches in my throat again before I blurt.
“No! I swear. Pax was sitting here and watching Discovery Channel, something about tigers, white tigers,
I think, and I was on the dining table. And the sentences! I’m sorry. I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to
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change them. I just thought the story would flow more easily if I adjusted them a bit and so I did. I didn’t
know I wasn’t supposed to…”
“Oh, no! No. You got me wrong! It’s amazing that you changed them. They look perfect now and the
story does flow more easily. I just wasn’t sure that it was all you. It’s nothing personal, I hope you
understand. But I needed to make sure.” She says, waving her palms in front of me.
“I… I did it myself. You can watch me, if you like.” I say, panicking. I’m used to people not believing me
but I want to show her because I like doing what I did last night. Well, all of last night, even after work.
But that’s another issue.
“Oh, I believe you. I know Pax has no clue about writing, anyway. I just wanted to double check. But, like
I said, everybody loved it and so I want to offer you to work with us. You know, not full time, if you like,
but you could do it from home if you feel more comf…” She says and I don’t touch the ground anymore
even though I’ve jumped on my feet. Instinctive reaction.
“No! I mean, yes! I do. I want to work full time. I do!” I shout. She laughs and shakes her head but she
seems pleased. I take my seat again, feeling weird.
“Great then! I think you have what it takes. You have to have the eye for these kinds of things. And I
think you really do, depending on last night’s article.” She says and I feel the nag on my chest that wants
to remind me that I have no papers but I don’t let my mind go there. It’s okay, for now. I just want to
enjoy the moment. I’ll think of something. Pax will think of something.
I stop to take a breath. In such short time, he’s become my pillar. My hero. I smile a goofy smile to
myself. I have a hero.
“You’re going to be fine!” I tell her for the hundredth time. It’s been two weeks since Amanda proposed
her a job in copy editing and I’ve gone to hell and back to get her in without papers. I had to call in
favors I never thought I’d call in before but seeing her smile and her eyes shine like unearthly jewels is
so goddamn worth it. Hell, I’d go to hell and back if I can make her feel like this every day.
She’s been working from home on my laptop for the last week and today is her first official day at her
new job. Problem is, she doesn’t think she can do it, which is completely illogical to me. Can she not see
how amazing she is? How she concentrates and catches things, mistakes I never would’ve seen myself?
How she’s able to transform a dull sentence into something even I want to read? And I never want to
read.
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“I don’t know. What if they don’t like me?” She says and she’s doing that thing with her hands again. I
want to tell her to stop but then she puts her thumb on her mouth and I freeze. I love it when she does
that. It looks so damn sexy how she bites her nail and those small, square teeth show perfectly.
I giggle at her expression and grab her by her shoulders.
“Carmen, you need to relax. They’re going to love you.” I tell her and I mentally remind myself to talk to
Amanda again about guys. I don’t want any male person near her. Ever. I think she got that clear last
week, and then last night again, but just to make sure, I’ll call her again.
“Really?” She asks me and the hope in her eyes is amazing as much as it is heartbreaking. She thinks so
lowly of herself. I clench my teeth before I start cursing at her father and brothers for doing this, for half
ruining such a wonderful creature.
“Yes. Really. There’s no reason why anyone wouldn’t. I just wish you could see yourself the way I see
you. Than you would know there’s nothing out there that you can’t handle.” I tell her and I love how the
blood rushes to her cheeks and her eyes get all glossy whenever she’s happy like today. I’ve prepared to
dedicate today to her completely even though I’m going to work myself.
“And we’ll be just a few blocks away so if you need me, call me.” I tell her and then take her in my arms.
She smells so good. She looks incredible dressed like this. She has a white, loose button up shirt and one
of those skirts that I never liked before but the way it hugs her waste and hips and falls to her knees, I
feel like I want to sit there and just look at her all day long.
And I’m jealous as shit! But I’ve already warned Amanda. I try to tell myself that it’s okay.
“Thank you. For everything. And… just… keep your phone close.” She tells me and finally looks a little
more relaxed.
“I will. I promise. And you’ll have Amanda there. You like her, right?” I ask her and when she nods, she
looks like the most fragile thing in the world. I don’t know why is it that I can, but I sure as hell consider
myself privileged to be allowed to touch her, kiss her, nap with her sometimes. All though all we do is
this, I still wouldn’t change it for the anything in the damn world. Never thought I’d see the day when I’d
say this.
“Okay, I’m ready.” She says and I don’t want to ruin her lipstick but damn if I can hold myself from
kissing her.
Her soft lips open up for me eagerly the second mine touch them and I’m in heaven all over again.
“I needed that.” She says after a while and she blushes again. Amazing how she says exactly what’s on
her mind even though it embarrasses her. I touch her cheek lightly.
“I know, I know.” I joke. “I’m irresistible. But I promise to always give you what you need.” I say and I kiss
her again because I need it even more. I need a dose of her every morning, afternoon and before I go to
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sleep. She’s become my favorite drug. She relaxes me even more than fighting. Just kissing her and
tasting her mouth is worth a goddamn lifetime of fighting.
“Let’s go.” I tell her and we leave the apartment together.
I think I’m going to faint. There are too many people in here and I’m alone. Pax left and Amanda is
coming to me. I feel like she’s been walking toward me for an eternity now. I need to focus on
something.
I focus on her. She looks nice, today. She has a pale pink shirt with a deep purple scarf wrapped around
her neck, and black pants that hug her voluptuous figure perfectly. I feel like a child in her presence even
though she’s as sweet as it can be. And when I compare her to Archer, I think I have the best boss in the
world.
“Hey, darling. Welcome.” She says and she gives me a hug. I‘m used to hugs now so I hug her back
without hesitation.
“Hello.” I whisper.
“Come, let me show you to your desk.” She says and waves for me to follow her.
I feel like everybody’s watching me. The room is huge! It’s on the twenty fifth floor of a very beautiful
and very tall building. It is decorated in all shades of red and it has at least fifty people sitting in front of
their computers in small, wooden desks. Too little space in the middle of them.
I won't be able to do it. There’s guys here. What if they come close to me? I will freak out. I will have one
of those moments and I will scream. I don’t want to scream. I don’t want to let Amanda down. I want to
work like she wants me to and make Pax and her proud.
But soon, I follow Amanda out of the huge room with the many computers and to another room,
considerably smaller and almost completely white with only six tables and a lot of more space.
“Here we are.” She says and she waves toward the only empty desk, furthest away from the others. I
can’t help but wonder if Pax told her something about putting me away from others. I hope he didn’t. I
don’t want people to freak out because of me.
“This is your desk. There are your colleges. We have Mat, Linda, Austin, who is Scottish, Anna and
Jaden.” She says pointing at every table in row. I nod and wave my hand weakly.
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“This is Carmen and she’s our new copy editor, and be nice.” She tells them and I smile at the serious
look of her face.
“What do you mean, he’s Scottish? You didn’t tell her where the others are from!” The guy named
Austin says in the sweetest, heaviest Scottish accent I’ve ever heard. He even looks like a Scotsman, too.
He has strawberry blond hair and blue eyes, pointy chin and I can tell he’s very tall. The others laugh and
Amanda smiles evilly at him.
“Sit. See how you like it.” She says and I do without word. The chair is very comfortable. The computer
screen in front of me is considerably bigger than Pax’s lap top but he assured me that everything he
taught me in it will be the same here. I nod. I like the white table and the many pens and pads and
sticker notes on the side. I smile.
“It’s great. Thank you, Amanda.” I tell her with all my heart.
She smiles, too. “You’re welcome. Since you have a whole edition to work on, I’ll let you get to work
immediately. I’ll send you the files now. I’ll be in my office, which is right here.” She says and points at
the door on my side. It’s covered in glass but I can’t see the inside. The dark red curtains won’t let me. I
nod. She’s just four steps away.
I’ll be fine. I just need to adapt. I’m good at adopting. This is what I always wanted. What I always
dreamed of. I just have to relax and not think about being in the same room with two men I don’t know
and who aren’t Pax. I wish Pax was here. I’d feel so much better.
I suck in a deep breath and I smile at Amanda.
“Thanks again.” I tell her. I feel the need to thank her all the time, every time I see her. But I can tell she
likes the attention.
“Okay. Now get to work.” She tells me and she disappears inside her office.
I sigh to try and release some nerves and open the Google Chrome in my computer, just like Pax told
me. I even have an email now. And a phone. And I can make calls and send texts all by myself. It feels
pretty good. I look at the phone right next to me and consider calling Pax. Or texting him. But I don’t
want to interrupt his work. I need to stop being such a baby.
“J says she likes your hair.” The girl named Linda shouts at me from my right.
“I really do.” The girl named Jaden says.
“We can see that you’re stressed. And be stressed. Working here sucks so you might as well accept it
and just move on with it.” The girl named Linda says again and I want to laugh but she doesn’t seem to
be joking.
“Yeah, sooner better than later.” Jaden says.
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“Oh, shut it. Leave the poor thing alone.” The girl named Anna speaks for the first time, and then she
turns to me. “Don’t mind them. They like to make everything dramatic.”
“We’ll see in a week.” Linda shouts again but I’m glad that the guys don’t say anything. Maybe some
time later it’ll be fine but I need confidence right now and confidence isn’t what I’m going to get if my
mind keeps analyzing the fact that I’m inside a room with two stranger guys and they are probably going
to talk to me.
I miss Pax. I wish he was here.
“Mr. Chase, you father is calling for you.” Mindy tells me, peeking inside my office. I wave at her to tell
her that I’ll be right there. She smiles hugely just like she did the day I hired her as my assistant. But the
report in front of me on my desk doesn’t let me smile back.
That, and the fact that a piece of my mind is trained solely on Carmen. I wonder what she’s doing. It’s
already twelve and she still hasn’t called. Or texted. I admit I feel a little disappointed. I like the thought
of being the only one she wants to be with and talk to. Guess things are going good. I hope they do.
My phone vibrates. My heart jumps in my throat. Fuck. It’s just dad. Damn my body and these childish
reactions it has to only the thought of her. I ignore dad’s call and I get up to go to him. I straighten up
before I get out of the office and put ‘son-of-boss-mode’ on.
Everyone thinks that I got the job just because I’m my father’s son. What they don’t know is just how
much I do. And I don’t intend to tell them. I keep my brows narrowed as I walk through the corridor and
everyone in their offices looks down at their monitors, like they are afraid of me. But I’m passed getting
angry. I don’t even notice them. My mind can’t stop thinking about Carmen.
I open the cherry wood double doors to the meeting room with a cold smile already plastered on my
face. Dad gives me his worst death glare. I’ve apparently made important people wait. If Carmen was
with me I’d probably make a joke about how incredibly important and handsome I am and how I make
less important people wait for me just for the fun of it. But she’s not with me and so I have to get this
over with.
“Gentleman, sorry to keep you.” I tell them, getting in front of the huge, oval shaped table and calling all
of their attention to me. Easily done. I can tell that they’re irritated by the looks on their old faces. The
three of the men, plus my father, are here for me to convince them why we should invest in a tech
company that has recently experienced some financial difficulties, and the owners are too scared to
keep it up.
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I’ve learned the report by memory, like I always do. My job sucks. Especially since it’s so easy. I know all
they want is money and that’s all they want to hear about – making more money. So I always touch
them right there. I give them my best fake-polite smile and I start talking.
“Gentlemen, you all have a lot of money. But you want to make more money. That’s the only reason
why we should buy DinsTech.” I start and I can already see the greed gleaming in their eyes. I already
know that it’s done. I just have to say all the bullshit there is to say and get the hell away from them, and
dad gets the company.
I put myself on autopilot as I begin to ‘explain’ to them why they want to invest and buy the company.
Which is basically like telling them why they want to make more money. I look at them and think of
Carmen.
Hmm. My job just got way better.
After I am done, I greet them coldly with my head and I hurry for the door. I have done my part. Now
the discussion is about to start and they’re always nasty. I keep my head high and I walk out of the
meeting room, ready to give Carmen a call. I’m starting to worry that she hasn’t called me yet.
“Paxton!” My body shivers as dad’s voice breaks through the thick silence of the hallway and reaches my
ear. I turn reluctantly and he waves me over to his office. I do my best to keep myself from rolling my
eyes. We might have issues, but the others don’t have to know.
I close the door behind me and he immediately opens the window of his perfect, almost completely
glass made office. He lights his Cuban cigar and he inhales deeply. I wait with my arms crossed in front of
my chest until he finally turns to me.
“You did good, boy.” He tells me with a smile.
I nod. I hope that this is all he has for me. I should know better, though.
“You’re going to be very successful one day, Paxton. And when you are, you’ll not only run Chase
Industries, but many other things. I know you’re going to do great.” He tells me.
I smile bitterly. I know him too well for my own good. I slowly walk over to him and with my hands on
my pockets and look outside, down at the city.
“But?” I ask. There’s definitely a but. His cold smile confirms it.
“But, you are spending unnecessary time and energy on stupid, childish things when you could already
do so much more.” He tells me and the blood starts to boil in my veins. He’s always been like this, trying
to push me over the edge.
“I already do a great deal for this company. If I do more, I’ll have to take your place.” I spit dryly. I don’t
want to let him step over me and make me believe that what I’m doing is not good enough when I know
that it is.
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“You should concentrate more on your carrier.” He says, narrowing his brows at me. His deep set, dark
brown eyes make him look older than he is. And his nose is as straight as mine but wider. He looks like a
boxer. He always looked like that to me. He used to be my hero when I was a kid. Until I found out just
how far he’s willing to go to have his way.
“I am concentrated on my carrier! How can you be the only one who doesn’t see that I work for you?!” I
shout. I’m mad but not at him. I’m mad at myself for still wanting him to finally see how hard I try.
“See what? That you neglect your job because of a girl?!” He says and I hear the disgust and
disappointment clear in his voice. It kills me, though I’ll never admit it.
“She’s not just some girl, dad. She’s my girlfriend. Just get used to it already! She’s living with me and
she will be living with me for a long time!” I shout. I have to unbutton my shirt again. I’m having
difficulties breathing.
“She’s making a fool out of you!” He shouts. “How can you be so blind? She’s using you and you’re naïve
and immature enough to let her!”
I pull my fingers up in fists and I pray for patience. I pray for calmness because I don’t want to hit him.
He’s crossed too many boundaries right now and I need to take a step back. I don’t know if I’ll be able to
hold myself. I want to hurt him as much as he’s hurting me.
“Leave her out of this.” I tell him and I keep my voice low and calm. I can’t afford to lose it. He’s my
father.
“It’s impossible to leave her out when she consumes so much of your time!” He yells at me.
“Dad, please, stop.” I tell him. I really need him to stop now. My whole body is shaking.
“Time you could use to concentrate on your life! Your mother.”
“Dad, don’t.” I have my eyes squeezed shut and I’m trying to gather any sense of calmness I can find
within me.
“Your sister!”
I break. I lose it and now I can only see red in front of my eyes. I slam my fists on his table and I walk
around it, throwing his chair behind to leave more space for myself.
I push him against the wall. My own father. I push him and I lean my face as close as I can to his, until I
can clearly see every pore of his skin and every line of his now wide eyes. He’s frozen just like I am. I’m
sure he could take me but I’m not about to let him go easily if he plans to fight me. I’m looking forward
to it as much as the idea is making me sick.
“Don’t you dare talk to me about Miranda.” I hiss. “You lost that right when you sold her to that man!” I
shout with all I have.
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He just stares at me. He doesn’t move. Doesn’t even breathe. Just stands there and looks down at me.
I take a step back. I need to air.
“She loves him.” He says and his voice breaks. Too late to feel sorry now.
“You made her love him. You know how easily manipulated she is from you! You made her believe he
was the right man for her just so you could merge his company with yours! You sold her for money,
goddamn it!” I shout and a cry almost escapes out of me.
I can’t be here any longer. I can’t see his face anymore. The regret and hurt I see there just confirms that
every one of my words is true. He didn’t care about his daughter. He let her marry a fucking psychopath.
“Paxton, please…” He pleads and I’ve heard that voice too many times to be fooled again. I know he
feels regret and hurt for the things he’s done. But he never does anything to change them. I don’t need
him to be sorry. I need him to act.
“There’s only one thing I want to say to you, dad. Don’t you dare think about doing something to get
Carmen away from me. Or so help me God, I will not be responsible for my actions.” I tell him and I’ve
never been angrier at him before. He drops on his chair and looks at me with confusion and a little
panic. Before my hand reaches the door knob, he whispers: “You love her.” And I hear it as clear as if he
was standing right next to me. I get out the door and almost run back to my office.
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Chapter 17
Amanda is telling me about a book she wrote. I didn’t know she is a writer. She tells me she wants me to
take a look at it and check for grammar errors. I agree eagerly. I love books. I’ve bought seven in the last
week. I have my own salary now and it’s much, much more than what I made when I worked as a
waitress.
My mind flies to Saw suddenly. He told me once that we were going to get out of there one day. I smile
at the memory, because I know that since I made it, he’s going to make it out of there, too.
“Chris has done nothing but work lately.” Amanda complains. We’re at a nice restaurant right across the
street from work, having lunch for the third time since I started working in the office.
I smile weakly. I don’t know what to say to that.
“It’s like his eyes are glued to the computer screen. I have my needs, if you know what I mean.” She says
grinning. I nod and grin right back.
“I do.” I say and I try to stop my attention from going to the man sitting right behind my back. He’s way
too close to me but I don’t have to analyze it. I’m going to have to start learning how to live with people
who are male and breath easily in their midst.
“How’s Pax doing?” Amanda asks me and my heart skips a beat at the mentioning of his name. I blush
and smile but eagerly tell her about him. He’s the most interesting part of my life, anyway.
After lunch, we make our way back to the office when my phone vibrates.
How’s my Snow white doing? Live from Chase Industries, the hottest dwarf alive. Pax texts me. I melt and
blush instantly and I text him back.
She can’t wait to see that dwarf again. She heard he’s been bad and well, she wants to teach him a
lesson.
I’m pretty good at typing now. I even type almost as fast as Pax on a computer keyboard.
Don’t make me come and get you now.
He says and my toes curl.
Why? Have I been bad, too? I tease back, grinning at my phone like an idiot.
I don’t know. Have you? He texts, and then: Please say you have.
I giggle to myself. I know the others in the office are watching me but I don’t care.
Hmm…
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That’s it. I’m coming. He texts and all kinds of shivers move up and down my body making me shake and
freeze all at the same time.
“Surprise!”
I grip Pax’s hand tightly and I jump back a step, startled. There’s a woman in the living room. A woman
who is jumping up and down and clapping her hands with a huge smile on her face.
“You old hag!” Pax shouts and squeezes my hand before he runs and takes her into a bear hug. I grab at
my fingers while I look at them in wonder. They’re both laughing, clearly happy to see each other. She
has dark brown, shiny hair that falls just below her shoulders and her eyes are as dark brown as her hair.
She doesn’t look like Pax but I think she’s his sister. I thought Pax said she lives in Bronx.
“Come here, Carmen.” Pax calls me and I walk over, dragging my feet. The woman is looking at me with
the same smile on her face.
“Hi.” I offer with a weak smile. I can’t tell if she’ll looking at me with pity because of my reaction at her
sight, or if she’s genuinely smiling at me. She’s pretty.
“This is my crazy sister, Miranda.” Pax says and puts his arm around my shoulder. “This is Carmen.” He
tells her and I prepare for a handshake but she takes one look at Pax’s hand wrapped around me, raises
her brow and then pulls me in a hug. I let out a gasp before I know it and she squeezes me tightly.
“It’s so good to meet you, finally. I’ve heard a lot about you and unfortunately,” she says and then
pouts, turning to Pax, “she is prettier than me. Damn.” She says, pretending to be mad. I smile.
“I’m really not.” I tell her. She is beautiful.
She grins at me and then turns to Pax again. “I like her.” She says. “There’s not many people in this
world who can see how wonderful I am on the first meeting.”
Pax rolls his eyes and I grin. She has the same sense of humor as her brother. I like it.
“Oh, please. She just feels sorry for you.” Pax says and goes around us to the fridge. “Since, you know,
you’re my sister and all.” He grins mischievously.
“Oh, shut it. You, come, sit. Tell me everything.” She tells me, pointing her index finger at me and then
at the sofa beside her. I blush instantly. What does she want me to tell her?
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“How’s my Amanda? Is she treating you good? Because if she’s not, I can kick her ass, even though she’s
bigger than me. And do you know where she is? I want to surprise her.” She says all this in a total of six
seconds. Pax comes to sit on the recliner in front of us and rolls his eyes.
“Yup, she’s always like this. Now you can see what I’ve dealt with my entire life.” Pax says. Miranda
throws a pillow at his face but he catches is.
“Ignore him. Trust me. Now tell me about Amanda.”
It’s already two after midnight and everybody’s drunk. Miranda did surprise Amanda. She called her,
asking her to ‘go check on Pax because he’s not answering his phone’. Half an hour and fifteen phone
calls from Amanda to Pax later, the doorbell rang.
They both cried and hugged and shouted and laughed and then cried and hugged some more for at least
half an hour. It was really sweet. Pax said they hadn’t seen each other in a year.
Then they started drinking. I had a couple of beers myself but I found out I don’t like tequila shots, which
got the three of them completely wasted. I did laugh a lot, though. Especially when the two best friends
started to sing something that I thought went like this:
Amanda and Miranda sitting on a tree. P-L-A-Y-I-N-G. First with teenagers. Then with hot boys. Than
with sexy older men ‘cuz they’re their favorite toys!
I envied them. I’ve never had a relationship with a girl before. It was clear as day how much they loved
each other. The only thing close to a friend I’ve had was Bethany, a girl from high school, and now
Amanda. I hope I can one day love someone so much.
She looks amazing. And we’re alone. That sunny dress is making me go crazy. I can’t take my eyes off her
while she washes the dishes.
Miranda went to spend the night at Amanda’s but not before she threatened about meeting her
tomorrow at dad’s. As much as I know that will suck, I couldn’t say no. She hasn’t been home for a year.
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I stand up to go to her because I can’t take it any longer. I wrap my hands around her waist and she lets
out a sexy half gasp, half moan.
“Pax…” She whispers, trying to complain probably, but the way she says is, and the way her body reacts
to my touch, all I hear is her plead for me to take her. And I do.
Pax lays me in his bed, slowly. His eyes look hungry and his expression grows serious as he analyzes my
face and slowly caresses it with the tips of his fingers. My whole body is pulsating under him. He parts
my legs and lies between them and I can already feel the hardness of him pressed against my stomach. I
lean up to him, instinctively. The way he gently strikes my hair with one hand and follows the line of my
lips with the other, makes something wild stir within me. I open my mouth and take his finger in
between my teeth. He moans lowly and his eyes grow. It’s a simple, yet amazingly sexual gesture. I
slowly bring my tongue out to taste his skin but he leans in and replaces his finger with his mouth.
My body arches against his and from one moment of sweet and tender touching, we jump on the next
of wild, driven by pure desire kissing. His tongue touches the back of my throat and I suck on it, never
wanting to let it go while I tug at his hair like I’m a mad woman. I think I really am mad right now. Mad
for him, for the whole of him.
He lets me bite his lips until I taste his blood but I can’t stop and other than a deep growl of pain and
pleasure from his throat, I get no complains. He pushes his hand at the base of my back and pulls me
lower and closer to him. He grabs my face and then slowly slides down to my neck and collarbone. Once
his hands are above my chest, he hesitates and breaks the kiss. I open my eyes in surprise and
desperation. I need him to kiss me. The look he gives me is one of asking permission. Can’t blame him
since in the last two weeks we’ve only made out but nothing more. I don’t have it in me to speak so I
just tighten my grip around his neck and I crash him against my mouth again. Good thing he understands
because next, his warm palms cup both of my breasts and he squeezes, making me scream in pleasure
and making my head push up and my back arch.
Everything inside me is sparking, a second away from catching fire and I feel warm in places down low of
me like the night on the sofa. I wrap my legs around his hips and I push up until he moans loudly and
claims my mouth again. He moves his hands to the hem of my dress and then up and under it. The touch
of them is electrifying. My whole being responds to him like it has been waiting for an eternity for his
touch.
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He pushes his fingers in my skin and growls, like he can’t control himself. I’m far from control, too, so I
completely understand. So much so that one second, I have his shirt in my tight fists, and the next I’m
pulling it off of him.
He breaks the kiss and I can’t see him, until I feel my dress going up and I feel his warm, swollen lips on
my belly button. I grab his hair and pull him to me, and scream and moan in pure ecstasy while he kisses
and licks and grazes my skin all around my stomach, hips and waist. He’s biting my left rib side when his
hand slides under my new pair of bra and to my breast. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to hold on to this
feeling forever. His thumb plays with my nipple while his mouth teases my stomach for a while and I
can’t tell if I’m moaning or he’s moaning or if we both are anymore.
He pulls up and claims my mouth again before he stops to look at me with eyes so full, they fill me
whole like never before.
“Carmen…” He whispers my name in a silent question. I do what I can to smile at him but I can’t. I’m too
caught up in feeling again and I want more. I want so much more of him.
I pull him to me and he avoids my waiting lips only to trail kisses on the line of my jaw, on my ear and
down my throat.
“God, how you taste, Carmen. I adore how you taste, baby.” He whispers to me in between kisses and
all I can give him as a response are my pleading moans.
I feel his hands move down my body that is craving for him like he is the only source of life, and I feel my
dress folded under my armpits. I need it off. I push up just a little and he immediately helps me until the
dress is resting on the floor next to his shirt. I’m left only in my underwear now. Pax stop moving and he
looks down at me. His eyes caress every part of my almost completely naked body like a touch and my
cells scream for him to push his body to mine and kiss me.
“Oh, baby…” He whispers and he lets out a loud sound of pleasure as he crashes his body onto mine.
He’s right between my legs and I feel his erection against my very center. I push my hips toward it. I look
for his hands. Since I have no jeans on tonight and only panties, I want to experience how his fingers feel
rubbing me down. But he kisses me and takes me up to the sky and I push against him in a rhythm that
is dictated by my heart. He has one hand inside my bra and he’s playing with my hard nipples and
squeezing the hell out of my breasts. I can’t believe how good it feels. His other hand grabs my hip and
he pulls me against him hard. I cry in pleasure with every breath I let out and when his hand slides down
to my thighs and around, in between my legs, I stop breathing all together. I wait for his fingers to go up
further impatiently. He squeezes my thighs and I push down to meet his fingers, and the next second he
complies.
I scream and he growls the second his hand grabs me above my panties. My fingernails scratch his back
and I don’t know if it’s painful or not but he doesn’t seem to mind. And soon, I forget about it
completely. I push against his hand and I was right. The jeans did get in the way! He moves his fingers up
and down on me and my panties are completely wet. I am pure feeling. My hands move up and down
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his chest and I have to touch his hard stomach, to trace the lines of his abs and I absolutely need to
finally touch that V. I slowly trace my hands down as he continues to rub on me, until I find the hard
muscles just above the band of his jeans. He stops for a second and holds his breath, and my fingers
trace his body shamelessly. I don’t even need him to move. I moan and push against his hand and, yeah,
his V feels even better than it looks.
He lets out all kinds of sounds and he traces my neck and my collarbone with his mouth. His fingers trail
my thighs and go up to my hips and stop at the edge of my panties. He slowly pushes them down but
never stops kissing me. The numb noise of the panties sliding down my skin nags at my chest. The sense
of material slowly uncovering my body makes my heart want to take a rest from beating. I feel my hands
freeze as if my cells start to turn to ice, one at a time.
I can feel his finger slip underneath my panties and grab the waistline. He pulls on them.
I open my eyes and there he is.
Timothy.
I know. I know and I still hope! Why is there hope? Life would’ve been much easier. Maybe.
“No, please.” I beg him. “Please, don’t do this.” I plead. I can feel the tears sliding down my eyes and I
very much feel the slap he gives me.
“Shut the fuck up!” He yells at me and he grabs my ankles to part my legs. I kick and throw as many
punches as I can and I scream loudly, hoping, praying, begging that for once, someone will hear me.
“Please, stop! Please. Don’t, don’t, don’t! No, please.” I keep repeating, even though I know it never
stopped him before. Why should it stop him now?
“I said shut the hell up!” He shouts and lies on top of me. He grabs my wrists and pins my hands against
my bed and he opens my legs with his knees slowly. I can see his face, inches away from mine and the
sick smile on it. Has he no soul? Why won't he stop?
I keep screaming and my throat hurts like hell but I don’t stop. Maybe, just maybe, someone will hear
me this time. He pulls my arms up above my head and he grabs both my wrists with his long fingers
while his other hand keeps pulling my underwear down.
“Shut the fuck up, you whore! Or I will beat you to fucking death!” He shouts to my face and the fear
freezes my voice cords. I keep shaking my head and chanting the word ‘no’ without sound but he pulls
up and with one swift movement, tears my panties. He laughs as he looks down at me. I know it’s done.
There is no stopping him now. He unzips his pants and he falls on top of me and I scream, but this time
not because I hope someone will hear me. But because I want to somehow take my attention off of
what he’s doing to me. If my throat hurts enough than maybe I won't feel it.
I feel his thighs press against mine and I beg him for one more time. I hope, against all odds. I still hope.
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“Please, Timothy. Stop, please, don’t do this, please, please, please…”
He doesn’t listen and I stop screaming. The last thing I see above me is the brown curtain of my room’s
grilled window. It flows around like it does when the door to my room is open. Timothy is not alone.
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Chapter 18
“Carmen, please! Wake up! Look at me…” I hear someone call me. I concentrate on my body. I’m not
hurting anymore. It’s over.
“Carmen, baby, please. Come on, talk to me. Open your eyes.” Someone calls again. I know that voice.
All I can see in front of me is Timothy’s face. His sick smile and his dark eyes gleaming with evil. If he isn’t
the devil, than I don’t know how anyone else can be more terrifying than that.
“Carmen. Carmen, come on. It’s me baby, you’re safe. Open your eyes.”
Safe. What an illusion.
“Carmen!” The voice shouts and I hear the desperation clearly flowing to my ears with it.
Pax. It’s Pax.
My eyelids fly open. I can’t make out anything but white light in front of me and a blurry figure.
“That’s it, baby. Come on.” He urges me. I make myself blink a few times until I can make out his face
more clearly.
His face. Not Timothy’s. It’s him. It was Pax with me and I saw my brother instead. Why? I don’t know. I
really tried to hide those memories from my brain. I never wanted to relive them like this. Never, and
especially not with Pax. His forehead is wrinkled with worry and his eyes are wide and he looks scared.
Because of me.
“Don’t cry. Carmen, please, what happened?” He asks and I realize my whole body is shaking in
uncontrollable sobs. He lies next to me and pulls me in his arms until my cheek rests in his moving chest.
I can hear the rapid beating of his heart and it’s all my fault.
It’s my fault and I can’t stop crying. I want to uproot that memory and the ones like it from my mind
forever. I thought I did. I apparently didn’t. I need to get those three faces off my mind. I need to, I have
to.
Pax lets me cry on his shoulder for too long and my head is hurting now like it’s being cut with a sharp
and huge knife over and over again. I even feel my heart beating in the back of it. Pax stays silent and his
warm hand caresses my naked back slowly. Until the sobbing finally stops. I feel exhausted.
“What was that, Carmen?” Pax asks after a while. I gasp at the sound of his voice. I don’t want to tell
him what happened. But I knew that I will have to, all along. I knew I would take him through this and
yet I was too selfish to let him go before harm could be done.
He deserves to know the truth. He deserves to know that I can’t give him all of me, at least not right
away. But if he knows, than I’m afraid he won't want me anymore. I’m too much a coward to face that
reality yet. I don’t think I know how to live without him anymore.
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But he deserves the truth! Someone yells in my head. I know, I say. He really does. And I was selfish
before but now it’s time I take responsibility and suffer the consequences of my past. I inhale deeply. It
hurts so much and I haven’t even started yet.
“I…” I start and I stop again. The voice that comes out of me is pathetic, like a child’s cry. And I can’t
bring myself to say it. I can’t say that word. I need to improvise. So I try again.
“When… um, my brothers and… a-and my father… they, t-t-they…”
I can’t say it. I can’t say it if my life depends on it. It hurts me so much that I feel like my chest is being
cut open. I need another way. Inhale. Again, and again. Four times. Enough. Just say it!
“I am not a virgin.” I tell him in a whisper. He stops breathing and moving a second before he jumps. He
pulls me up and makes me sit in front of him while he keeps me upright with his hands on my shoulders.
The look of his face is devastating. I can see hurt and anger and madness and desperation like they are
words written on his skin.
He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He shuts his eyes tightly and breathes deeply a few times.
“They… they raped you?” He says and my heart skips a beat at that word. I want to start screaming and
crying again but by a miracle that is his face, I am able to help it. I just nod. I can’t say the word. I can’t.
He jumps off the bed and on his feet. He goes to the door of his closet and he punches it, over and over
again with his fists. The noise that comes from the wood breaking under his force gives me something to
concentrate. I count twelve hits. And then the last. He turns, grabs his shirt that is lying on the floor and
looks at me.
I feel like I’m breaking. He looks empty. Devoid of all emotion.
“Pax.” I call him and I get up on my knees on the bed. I don’t want him to go.
“I… I have an errand to run.” He mumbles and I know he is lying. It’s eleven o’clock in the night. I hate to
see him like this but I don’t know what to say to take it away from him.
“I’m sorry…” I try and I look for words to tell him just how sorry I am but the next second, he’s in bed on
his knees in front of me and he’s framing my face with his hands. He looks dangerous but he doesn’t
scare me.
“I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again. Do you understand? This is not
your fault. What they did is not your fault. So don’t ever use those words again. Please.”He says as his
voice breaks but before I can come up with something to say that isn’t ‘I’m sorry’, he’s almost running
for the door.
“Pax, wait!” I call but he doesn’t. And I hear the door close behind him. He’s not running an errand.
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I walk out of my apartment building and red dots fill my vision. I find my car and open the door but slam
it shut with all my force again. I can’t take the car. I need air.
My eyes fill with tears and some of them are angry, some mad as fuck and some just sad. I thought I
knew what a broken heart was before but I see now that I had no clue.
I feel like all of my insides are rioting and trying to rip off my body. I feel like everything about me is
broken and I’m only a ghost. A walking ghost. I kick a soda can in the street so hard that it lands and
leaves a scratch on a car nearby. Like I give a fuck.
“Hey!” Someone yells at me. I turn around to see two guys coming to me. They have that angry look on
their faces that says they have already made up their minds to beat the shit out of me. I couldn’t have
gotten any luckier. I walk toward them too, because they’re just taking too long.
“What the fuck, dude?! That’s my car.” The bald guy with a snake tattooed around his arm says. I look at
the car and then back at him.
“It was an accident.” I say and I try to make my voice sound as calm as possible.
“An accident?!” The other, smaller guy says. I turn to him. I feel like I’m going mad. I need to hit
something again.
“Yes.” I tell him without meaning for my voice to sound so low. I want them to say something. I beg
them to say something with my whole being. Just one word. Just one fucking word and I can break their
skulls and maybe feel better. Please, one more word.
But the bald guy stares at my face and he sees what I’m trying to hide. Damn him. He slams the back of
his palm to his friend’s chest and they slowly back away, still staring at me.
Fuck. I turn around and get my phone out of my pocket. I dial Ash.
“Look who’s calling!” He answers after the first ring.
“I need a fight.” I tell him impatiently.
“What? Tonight?” He asks, surprised. I haven’t fought for a month now. Even I thought I was done for
good.
“Tonight. Right now. I’m on my way.” I tell him and I prepare to hang up but he shouts.
“Hold up, man! I can’t make it happened tonight, man. There are rules…” He starts but I’m already
seeing red in my vision again.
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“Get me a fucking fight now!” I shout at him and then I hang up. I need to break something badly.
The noise scratches my ears before I’ve even made it to the yard. I see security, Jack and Jimmy, stop
people from entering. I keep my head low and I walk through the crowd. People turn to look at me
annoyed, thinking what the hell am I doing, walking right to the guards. I can see Jimmy put his hand in
front, ready to stop me when I look up at him.
He grins and opens the wired door.
“Long time no see, man.” Jack says, bumping my fist. “Told you he’d be back.” He says to Jimmy who’s
still grinning.
“Looks like tonight’s going to be fun.” He says and I slide through the door and almost run to the crowd.
The yard is big, same as last time I was here. It’s on the back of an abandoned building where all kinds of
crazy happens. Booze, drugs, ladies, fights, car races, everything.
I cut through the crowd with my head low. I don’t want anyone to recognize me. I don’t want to talk. I
want to fight.
I find Ash easily. He’s always the one sitting with a bottle of Jack Daniels in hand, and making out with
some chick that’s sitting on his lap.
“Ash.” I call him and he breaks his make out session, raises one brow at me and whispers something at
the girl he was kissing. She nods and turns to look at me. She smiles and actually licks her lips. Any other
time, I would’ve flipped. Now, all I can see is Carmen.
“What the hell happened, man?” Ash asks me, standing up in front of me.
“When am I on?” I ask him, cutting right to the chase.
“In ten. You got to give me something, man.” He says, shaking his head and faking disappointment.
“Money.” I tell him. “I’ll give you money.” He sure as hell ain’t getting the story.
Before he can say something else, I go around back from where the fighting area is to prepare. I don’t
even hear the loud music that has the ground shaking. I see a girl with curly blond hair cut short and my
heart shivers. Damn.
Those fuckers. They fucking raped her! Her! The sweetest thing in the whole goddamn world! I
should’ve killed at least one of them when I had the chance. I start to run in place. I need to hold it in,
just a couple of minutes more. And then it’s on.
“You know, you even had me believing that you weren’t coming back anymore.” Someone says from
inside the tent. I can’t make out anything but her cigar burning in between her fingers but I know who it
is.
“Hi, Jenny.” I greet her reluctantly, trying to concentrate on the fight.
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“Hello, Pax.” She says politely with that sneaky smile as she comes out. She really is damn hot. Her long,
straight blond hair and her big boobs leave a man wanting. She’s short but hell if her bones aren’t made
of rubber. A shiver runs down my body at memories but I’m thankful because for a second only, my
mind flew away from the fact that Carmen, sweet, sweet Carmen has been raped by her own father and
brothers. My blood boils again.
“You seem tense. Why don’t you come over here?” Jenny says, smiling and playing with her hair.
“No thanks.” I mumble. I need to fight. Now.
“Come on, baby. You know I’ve been dying to see you. It’s been a while since you made me scream.
Come on, you know you want to.” She says and she reaches out her hand toward me. I pretend I can’t
see or hear her. Words like that would’ve definitely gotten me going mad and fucking her right here on
the ground but apparently, I’m not the same man I was a month ago anymore. I didn’t know Carmen
back then. Now, the only one I want to make scream is her.
Fucking irony. I just made her scream, minutes ago. Not exactly what I had in mind. I can still hear her
pleading and crying. Begging me to stop. I’ve never been more scared in my life. I had no idea what to
do so I just kept shaking her and calling her, hoping she would come out of it and calm down.
“Jenny, I appreciate your willingness. I need to fight and then I’ll be out of here.” I tell her, concentrating
on my shorts before I start to shout for no reason.
“Pax?” She says, calling my eyes to her. I shouldn’t have looked. She has one hand underneath her shirt,
grabbing her boob and she’s licking her index finger. My God, she looks so hot. So, why don’t I feel hot?
Not even a little fucking bit?
“Jenny, drop it.” I tell her shaking my head.
“Come on, Pax. My body wants you.” She whispers and then she lets out a weak moan. I want to laugh
at myself. Not even a fucking shiver. I’m so fucked.
“Jenny. Stop. Seriously. I’m sorry but what we had is over now. It’s not going to happen again.” I tell her,
feeling a little sorry. I never promised her anything, but still.
She starts to laugh. She laughs her heart out for a few seconds until she catches her breath and lights
another cigar.
“So it’s true then.” She says and of course, she waits for me to ask what’s true. I don’t and she figures
soon enough that I don’t intend to. “You met a little girl and you decide to cut us off just like that.” She
states.
“Watch it, Jenny. I’m not in the mood.” I tell her and my threatening voice almost surprises me. I don’t
want to intimidate her but I can’t help myself.
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“You’re such a dick, d’you know that, Paxton? You think you can just use me and then throw me like an
old rag?” She explodes coming to stand right next to me. I can’t hear her yelling for one more second.
“I used you as much as you used me. It was fun while it lasted and now it’s over. Deal with it.” I tell her
in the calmest voice I can muster.
She sighs, shaking her head.
“Well, I can tell you they’ll be disappointed to hear that you’ve turned into a fucking pussy, but I won't
be here when you come back begging. And neither will the other girls, tough guy. Bye now, Paxy.” She
says and with her cigar in hand, she turns to leave me alone, finally. I know I probably should feel bad
for her. I don’t. I never made her do anything she didn’t want to. It was her who made me sometimes, as
fucked up as it sounds. But I hear the call and all thoughts leave my mind. All except for one. Carmen.
“Hear, hear!” I hear Ash’s voice coming through the speakers. “One of our own has returned! Be
prepared ladies and fellas, ‘coz you’re about to witness the fight of your life! Give it up for P.A.X!” He
shouts and I hear the crowd shouting. I can’t wait to start. I run from the back toward the crowd that
has gathered around forming a wide circle that is a street fighting ring. I almost feel like home. Until I
start to see her brother’s face all over the crowd. I clench my fists and work my neck as I wait for my
opponent to make it inside. I know Ash is introducing him but there’s no sound that goes through my
ears right now. No music, no words, no noises. Exactly why I love fighting. It blanks my mind completely.
Only this time, it doesn’t. The guy walks in and he is one tall motherfucker. He’s body isn’t well built but
his arms look strong. His legs look stronger. Nothing I can’t handle, especially right now. Right now that I
can almost swear he’s her brother. The fucking bastard who raped her without giving a single fuck.
How can the world be so fucking unfair?! Why the hell did she have to be raped?
But I don’t have time to think or scream in my head at the sky. My opponent comes to me and makes his
first move.
Sneaky fucker. He goes with his fist for my jaw the same time his legs move to take my feet from under
me. I jump and lean down at the same time and deliver a blow in his unprotected gut.
Fighting comes naturally to me. I see him move before he realizes he’s going to, and that’s how I know
when he tries to get me to think he’ll move in with his fists but moves with his feet instead. I dodge
down and around him, delivering another blow on the side of his waist. God, it feels good. I feel like I’m
releasing negative energy every time my fist connects with his body. He kicks my thigh with the front of
his foot and I repay the favor with my knee on his gut. He doubles for just a second and I slam my elbow
on the middle of his shoulders, that soft place that kicks the air out of you every single time. I grab his
shaggy hair and I slam my knee against his face until I feel his fist connect with my waist side and I have
to step back to take a breath. I can see people jumping around us but I don’t hear them. I don’t need to
hear them. I just need to cause pain. My thigh is pumping up and down but the adrenaline won't let me
feel a thing.
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They fucking raped her! I want to shout!
I run and I turn on air instead, missing him with my left foot but catching his jaw barely with my right
one. He quickly recovers and tries to wrap his arms around me. I lower my head and wait for the right
second, the second he thinks he has me. And then I push my head up and my skull slams on his chin. I
think I hear teeth breaking. That sweet moment…
He lets me go and spits blood from his mouth. He looks angry. Angry is exactly what I need. I grin the
grin I have reserved just for fights and I jump him again.
Minutes later, after a blow on the shoulder and a fist on my cheek, I admit that he’s not as bad as I
though t he would be. He endures pain. I hit him countless times and he’s red and blue and yellow and
bloody all over but he’s still standing. I make my way and aim for his gut a split second before I push my
heel on his knee and it shakes. I take the opportunity to grab him by the throat with my arm and I land
as many punches as I can on his back.
Until I see her.
She’s standing right there, wearing a black hood that apparently can’t contain her curls. They fall out of
it carelessly, framing her face like a freaking halo. She shines. Literally. She’s like an angel.
And she smiles. She sees what I’m doing, what I never, ever wanted her to see me doing and she smiles.
Her hand goes up… she’s waving at me!
How can I not smile back?
And I do, until my opponent’s fist hits me in the gut and knocks the breath out of me. I jump back and I
try to concentrate. I can’t. She’s there, watching me. And she looks okay. Fine. Good, even. She smiled at
me. She’s not panicking. Why isn’t she panicking? Girl’s panic when they see their boyfriends fighting.
I should’ve gotten by now that she’s far from other girls. I’m such a dick for always comparing her. She’s
unique. Mine. And she was raped.
Red in front of my eyes again. I feel like my mind, everything around me is playing in fast forward mode.
I beg her in my head to forgive me for what she is about to see. I never want her to see this side of me
but tonight, I can’t make it if I don’t do this. I will go mad.
So I concentrate on my opponent again and sure enough, he’s face reminds me of something I should’ve
killed on an alley in Bronx. I should’ve never let him walk away. If only I had known. I know now.
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The fight is over. I’ve never seen Pax so concentrated before. He gave his soul on that fight. He worked
with everything in him. His opponent, a tall guy names Gustav, I think, is lying face first on the grassy
ground but I can see his back raising and falling. The crowd goes crazy. I look into his eyes and I see his
body going up and down from the heavy breathing. He never once takes his eyes off me. He just stands
there, dressed in only white shorts, covered in dirt and has a nasty bruise on his left cheek.
I smile because I can’t hold it. I like to see all different sides of him. I don’t know why I followed him
here. After he left, I just couldn’t stand there. Alone. In his apartment. I had to get up. And then I found
myself following him. I couldn’t let it go.
Pax takes a step toward me and I immediately fluster as if he’s standing right next to me but the crowd
starts running toward him until I can barely make out his face. He’s standing on his toes looking at me
and I think I can make out his mouth saying ‘back’. I can’t hear from the crowd noise and the music but I
think he wants me to go to the back.
Thank God. Too many men around me. I have no idea how I endured so long in the crowd. Probably
because the view in front of me left no room for other things in my mind. I slowly back away from the
crowd and I make my way around them and to the back. So many people! At least two hundred, or
more.
I see a corner that’s covered in grey and brown rags, somewhat like a tent and I go to it. There’s
nowhere to go further back. Just bushes and wired, wooden fences. I look around and try to breathe to
calm myself down. I don’t know what I wanted to do, coming here. I don’t know what to say to him.
There’s nothing I can say to him.
I guess I just wanted to hear what he has to say. Hope is a very annoying thing. It won't let go of me,
even though I think I’m sure Pax will not take my… issue lightly. He might even break things up. I
wouldn’t be surprised.
“Hey.” Pax says from behind me. I jump around and almost run to hug him, but I stop. I don’t know if I
should. I want to but maybe I shouldn’t. So I stay put and I look at him.
“What are you doing here?” He asks but his voice is as sweet as always and he doesn’t look mad to see
me.
“I just… I couldn’t stay alone after you left and I… I followed you. I didn’t mean to interrupt but I…” I
what? I want to know where we’re standing now. I can’t say it.
He takes a step closer to me.
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“I didn’t want you to see me fighting.” He tells me. I look up at him.
“Why?” I ask, surprised. I want to see every part of him. Everything.
“Because…” He says, like he can’t believe I’m asking. “It’s fighting. Pain. Blood, you know. I didn’t want
you to see me like that.” He says and I think he feels sorry. I don’t get it. I take the courage and take a
step closer to him as well.
“Hey Pax, my babe!” Someone shouts from behind and I see Ash, Pax’s friend coming toward us. My
fingers start to shake but Pax steps back, closer to me and stops him.
“Ash, I need a second.” He tells him. Ash can’t stop laughing. I think he’s very drunk.
“You were amazing, man! Hell, the way you did that thing…” He says and he tries to do something with
his legs but almost falls on his butt to the ground. He keeps on laughing.
Pax turns to me. “I’ll just grab my things and we’ll go.” He tells me and I nod, already impatient to get
out of here. He goes inside the tent and comes out a second later with his jeans, his shirt and sneakers in
his hand. I walk right after him.
“Hey, where you going man? The party just started! And you’ve got your money right here.” Ash calls
behind us but Pax doesn’t turn.
“Keep it.” He calls to him and he laughs again.
“Okay, I can do that…” He mumbles and then we’re in the middle of the crowd. People see Pax and they
all walk to get closer and touch him, pat him on the back or just say his name. I’m in the verge of
breaking down. Too many men…. Too many.
Pax’s arm comes around my shoulders as if he can hear my thoughts and I lean into him, desperate for
the warmth and safety that his body offers. I keep my eyes on the ground and on Pax’s bare feet until
we make it to the door. Two big guys - bodyguards open the door. They look at me wide eyed, probably
because they didn’t see me get in. I had to sneak in and climb the wires to get inside. And I did that all
by myself! I blush and keep my head down but it’s too dark so they can’t see me.
“That was fucked up man!” One bodyguard says to Pax and the other one just grins. Pax just nods and
smiles coldly.
“See ya.” He says, waving his jeans, shirt and sneakers at them and we make our way to the street again.
Pax still has his arm around me. He knows I’m not about to panic anymore but he still holds me. Maybe
he wants to, and not just because I am about to panic. Maybe.
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Pax opens the door to the apartment and I walk in behind him. I go to the sink and wet a dishtowel to
clean up the dry blood on the corner of his mouth. He drops on the sofa and closes his eyes. I hesitate
before I sit next to him but he looks up at me with the chocolate that seems to melt on its usual pace
and I lean in, towel in hand.
He stands still while I wipe the now brown blood off and then, he grabs my hand in his. My arm catches
goose bumps but I throw the towel on the table in front of us and I sit straight. I don’t know what to say.
Nothing comes to mind. So I just stay silent and look at his face, glad to see that his cheek hadn’t
bruised. It was just red.
“Carmen, I… “ He says and then sighs, shakes his head and brings my hand up to his lips to kiss the back
of it. I’m afraid to think of what he might say.
“I fight. I mean, I fought almost every week before I met you in Bronx.” He tells me.
“Why?” I ask, just because I want to understand.
He shrugs. “It’s a helluva way to take the anger out. I’m constantly fighting with my father for as long as I
can remember and it drives me more than I like to admit.” He explains reluctantly.
“So you take it out on your opponent.” I state, double checking. He nods.
“Don’t you think that’s a bit unfair? It’s not their fault about your problems. If you fight, you should
fight because you want to, because you like it. Not because you want to hurt people.” I tell him and the
way he looks at me right now, with wide eyes and mouth slightly open, makes me regret my words
immediately. I hope I didn’t sound judging.
“Yeah. Might be. But they come with their own free will and fight me because they want to. And no, I’ve
never thought about it like that.” He says and then takes a couple of seconds to stare at his knees while
the corners of his eyes wrinkle. I stay silent.
“But I haven’t fought for a month now. And I’m sorry I left like that. I shouldn’t have. I just wanted to…”
He says and then his eyes open in surprise, he looks at me, smiles sadly and whispers: “hurt someone.”
I nod because I feel like that too, every once in a while.
“But I’m not going to do it again.” He says and leans in to kiss the side of my head.
“Why?” I ask again. If he likes it, than he should just change the way he looks at it, change his motive.
Not quit.
“Because I don’t need to fight anymore. I have you.” He tells me and my heart starts to pound in my ears
immediately.
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“Pax, about… what, you know… they…” I start to say and I get mad at myself again because it shouldn’t
be this hard. It’s just my reality, nothing more and nothing less. It shouldn’t hurt so much still.
“What they did to you is beyond my imagination and it’s despicable and disgusting and all kinds of
messed up, but you… you went through it. You survived and now you live. You smile. You’re strong.” He
says and I want to correct him. I’m not strong. But he keeps going. “You live. And that’s admirable,
Carmen. But don’t, for a second, feel guilty about it. I know it’s going to be hard for you but I also know
that we’ll figure this out in any way that we can. I just need you to know… I need you to feel safe with
me and trust me when I say that I won't ever let anyone hurt you like that again.” He tells me and before
I realize, I’m crying, I’m resting my head on his shoulder and holding on tightly to his shirt.
“I’m…” Broken. I can’t say it.
“You are amazing.” He says and a small cry escapes my lips. He kisses the top of my head and caresses
my back slowly while I prepare myself to say what I don’t want to say but I need to.
“Pax, I might not… be able to give you… everything. I think you should think about that. I don’t know
how long it will take for me to be all you want but I know that…” It’s going to take a long time.
“You already gave me everything. And I don’t care how long it will take. But I can promise you that once
you’re all mine, it will be a freaking miracle.” He says and I think I’m sobbing but I can’t be sure what
kind of tears I’m crying.
“I don’t want you to have to wait for me.” I tell him against his now completely wet shirt. He laughs
sadly and kisses my head again.
“You’re worth the wait, Carmen. You’re worth it.” He says and I close my eye. A smile spreads on my
face while I feel his words coming through my ears, course through my veins and heal many, many
broken parts of me. I am worth it.
I look down at her beautiful, wet face, leaning on my shoulder. She fell asleep minutes ago but I don’t
want to wake her up or take her to bed. I want to hold her right here with me. I never thought someone
could understand my fucked up mind the way she does. At least not about fighting. But she does. She’s
that amazing.
Maybe we can sleep here tonight. Yeah, that sounds pretty good. I kiss the top of her head and her silky
hair again and I lean back on the sofa with my eyes closed. All of the sudden, my father’s words come
back to me. Guess what I see in front of me?!
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There’s rainbows and birds chirping, and there’s flower blooming in front of me. Even some of those
garden gnomes are running around the ivy green garden buck naked like they just don’t give a shit. The
fresh smell of something new and beautiful being brought to life fills my nostrils. And I think: Fuck.
I’m in love.
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Chapter 19
I hear Pax’s phone vibrating on his pocket. I’ve been awake for a while now and thinking of how to ask
Pax if I can sleep with him forever. I want to wake up in his arms every day. I don’t think there is a better
feeling in the world and maybe it’s not too much to ask to feel it every morning.
Pax lets out a sleepy moan and raises his head while his hand touches his pockets to find his phone. His
eyes are swollen and he looks so beautiful and sexy and just eatable that I have to force myself to move
up and lean back a bit so he can reach his pocket. He smiles a sleepy smile at me and I melt.
“Hello?” He mumbles on the phone while his hand reaches up to caress my face. I lean on his palm
instantly. It’s warm and soft.
“Yeah, what time is it?” He asks and I can hear a female voice on the other line. I think it’s his sister.
“Really?” Pax says and his eyes open wide, looking around.
“Okay, fine, Mir, I’ll be there. Yes, okay. Alright, Mir. Fine.” He says and he hangs up. He sighs, looks at
me and then abruptly grabs me in his arms and pulls me to his lap, making me giggle. He kisses my lips
lazily and his touch lingers on me long after the kiss ends.
“I need to go to my house today. For lunch. Miranda made me.” He tells me. I try not to let my smile
falter but it’s Saturday and I was hoping to spend the day with him. I can always write all day long but I
just…
“Come with me.” He says, stopping my thoughts.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I tell him with a shrug. Last time I was there, his father didn’t take it
very well, even thought his mother is very nice.
“I think it is.” He says and then kisses me again. “I know my father is messed up seven ways to Sunday
but you’re sticking around and he needs to see that. And what better way to show him than to have you
with me today?”
He looks so sure that for a second, I am excited to go to his beautiful house again.
“Come on. Miranda will be there and it’ll be fun.” He says and his eyes are filled with hope as he waits
for my response. The fact that he’s even asking me is enough to make me never say no to him. I don’t
care about his father. He can say and think all he likes. I want to be with Pax. And my heart has already
made the decision the seconds Pax said that ‘I was sticking around’. There is absolutely nothing I want
more.
I nod and smile at him, and then, I don’t wait. I lean down and take his mouth all by myself.
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I keep my eyes trained on the side mirror and on the headlights of a black car behind us. I have a bad
feeling about this. I think it’s the thought of seeing his father again, but I’m not sure.
“You okay?” Pax asks like he can sense my feelings.
“Yeah, just looking at the car behind us.” I tell him. He takes a look on his rear view mirror.
“Huh.” He says and his brows rise in his forehead. “This car has been behind us for a while now.” He
says. I shrug. I lean in and I turn the radio on. I change the stations until I find a song that suits both Pax
and me, and I relax on my seat again.
I’m trying not to think about his father. I’m just trying to focus on his mother and on his sister. It will be
okay, I tell myself. Pax will be there so it won't matter even if his dad says mean things like last time.
I look at Pax and see that his eyes are pinned to the rear view mirror. His brows are narrowed and he
looks concentrated. He’s looking at the car behind us. I turn my head and look at it, too, but it’s just an
ordinary black jeep driving behind us. I relax again.
A few minutes later, and we enter the land of beautiful homes. Pax still has his posture rigid and his
head high, looking at the mirror. I think I hear him curse under his breath. I look at my own side mirror
and I see the black jeep still behind us. Weird. I can see why Pax looks angry.
“Almost there.” He tells me once he sees me looking at the mirror with my brows curled. I don’t know
why anyone would want to follow us. I lean back and put my head in the middle of our seats again to
check the car. It’s just a black jeep. It’s a big car, nice headlights.
I try to look through the front glass to see who the driver is.
A scream escapes my throat.
It can’t be. No, no, no. It can’t possibly be him. I start to shake and grab my chair with all my strength.
Please, please, please, don’t let it be him. I look up again and I see his face. Clearly. It is him.
My father is driving the jeep.
“What, Carmen? What is it?” Pax asks but I can’t stop shaking. I can’t form a sane thought. He’s behind
me. He’s been behind us all this time.
How did he find me?
I can’t let him get to me. I can’t let him touch me again.
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“I-I-It’s them.” I whisper to Pax and he looks freaked out for only a second before he hits the gas of the
car.
“Carmen, it’s okay. You’re safe. Don’t worry, we’re almost there.” He tells me, but I can tell he’s angry
and mad.
“No, no, no… I can’t. I can’t let him… no.” I whisper, shaking my head. I can’t feel anything. Not my
heart, not myself breathing, not anything. I need to get away from him. I need to run, now.
“We’re here, Carmen. Please, relax. My dad has guards, he won't let them near!” Pax says and he’s
almost yelling but I can’t stop. He doesn’t know what my father is capable of doing. He doesn’t know
him.
“Mir, open the doors right now and close them the second I drive in. Do you understand?” Pax shouts in
the phone.
I can’t let him get to me.
“Yes, now! Right now!” Pax shouts and he throws his phone on the dashboard but keeps on cursing
under his breath.
I can tell we’re going fast but I can’t see or feel it. All I can think about is the car behind me and I can’t let
him. No, I can’t. I can’t let him come close to me again. Please, don’t. Please.
“Carmen, we’re here.” Pax calls and I hear his voice as if it’s coming from very far away. I only see white
in front of my eyes. My heart is racing inside my chest.
Why now? Why did he have to find me now? Just when I started to believe that things do get better.
Things don’t get better. He’s right behind me.
The car stops. I scream. I don’t want to stop. We can’t stop because he’ll catch us. I can’t let him get to
me.
The door to my side opens and I see Pax’s face before he grabs me in his arms. He runs forward and I
keep my eyes shut tightly and my hands around his neck. They’re here and they’ll take me back. I can’t. I
can’t go back.
“What the hell, Pax?!” Someone shouts and I think it’s Pax’s sister. I open my eyes and I see his father,
sister and mother standing by the front door, looking at us with clear panic in their faces.
“Paxton…” His father calls.
“Dad, get the guys. I need her inside and safe.” He tells him and I shake my head. I won't let him near my
father. My father is crazy. He has a riffle and he will kill him. I’d rather go to him voluntarily than let him
hurt Pax or his family.
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It’s not his fault for my reality. It’s only mine. I should’ve never been born.
“Son, what the…”
“Dad, now!” Pax shouts and hurries to the stairs.
“Julia, go!” His father calls to someone and Pax lets me down on my feet. I don’t think I can stand. And
then, we hear a deafening noise coming from the door.
I scream. I need to stop screaming and run. I need to run, now.
“Get inside!” Pax whispers to me as he steps in front of me and pushes me toward the door.
“Take her!” He calls to his sister and she’s by my side the next second, dragging me. I don’t want to
leave Pax alone. I can’t leave Pax alone or he’ll kill him. I pull back and try to reach Pax’s shirt to make
him come inside with me.
Pax grabs my hand, squeezes tightly and he lets go, nodding his head toward Miranda. She opens the
door wide and pulls me.
“No, no, Pax... no, please!” I call to him.
“Stop right there! Or, Sweet Jesus help me, I will kill you all right now.”
My body lets go and I fall to my knees.
I squeeze my eyes shut and cover my face with my hands. That voice… that voice that sounds like it’s
coming from somewhere dark and deep and it echoes in my mind. Every letter echoes in my mind.
No, please, no. Please.
“Get the hell off my property or I’ll call the police!” I recognize the voice of Pax’s father.
“I mean no harm, gentlemen. I just want to get my daughter back.” He tells them and I can hear the
mocking in his voice.
“You daughter?” Pax’s father says with surprise and disbelief, and I can feel his eyes on the back of my
head.
“Your daughter is twenty years old. She’s free to choose where she wants to be. And she doesn’t want
to come with you so I suggest you back the fuck off!” Pax shouts.
“Son, what is this?” Pax’s father calls. My father is silent for a second. And then I hear a clicking I know
well. I look up and sure enough, his riffle is in his hands, both barrels directed at Pax. I want to stand up
but my feet won't let me. I can see Travis and Timothy with their sick smiles standing behind him.
“No…” I whisper but they don’t hear me.
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“You’re wrong, son. See, I have the documents to prove that my daughter is mentally unstable to be
able to speak for herself. Therefore, she can’t have a say in where she goes or where she doesn’t.” My
father spits but never lowers his gun.
“No, please. Leave me alone.” I plead and Miranda tries to stop me from getting up.
“Shut it, you whore! I’m going to show you…” Travis shouts. A scream escapes me and I lean back
instinctively. “D’you think I wouldn’t find you? D’you think I didn’t see you get into that car?” He shouts
and then he laughs. He has a baseball on his hands. They both do.
“Son, we don’t have the right to keep her.” Pax’s father whispers. “I don’t know what the hell this is but I
down want to get into trouble for her.” He spits dryly, looking wryly at me.
“Leave, then!” Pax yells, the same time as my father says: “Finally, a wise man.”
“Go, run, like you always do!” Pax shouts and then he turns to my family. “She’s staying here. I will ask
you again, nicely. Leave!” He tells them and I can tell he’s not afraid. He’s a fool. My brothers laugh but
my father starts to slowly walk toward him. To show him, Pax walks toward him, too. His father tries to
stop him.
“Son, don’t.” He shouts but Pax doesn’t even turn. I jump forward but Miranda has her hands around my
waist and won't let me.
“Let me go.” I plead but she just holds me tighter.
“Stay here, Carmen. It’ll be okay.” She whispers and I can tell she’s crying and that she’s scared.
But it won't be okay. It’ll never be okay. I can’t believe I couldn’t see that earlier. It is my destiny to be a
slave of my father and brothers for all my life. And who am I to change destiny? No one. I inhale deeply
and I ask for Pax’s forgiveness. I can’t let them hurt him. I’ll take everything I need to take but not him.
I wait for Miranda to loosen her grip around me and I jump up before she has the chance to grab me
again.
“Carmen!” She calls but I’m already running toward them.
“Stop, please! Take me! Just leave.” I tell my father and before I can break down on the ground, I remind
myself that Pax’s life is in line. I take the strength I need from that.
“You’re not going anywhere.” Pax says and the lines of his face are dark and deep, more dangerous than
I’ve ever seen them before. He pushes me back the same time my father aims with the back of his riffle
for his shoulder. I shout. Pax’s father grabs my hand and pushes me back. I fall down on the ground on
my butt and before I know it, Pax is fighting my father and my brothers are fighting his father.
Miranda screams behind me.
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“Stop, stop, stop, please!” I plead but they don’t hear me. They don’t listen. I see the riffle on the
ground. It’s lying there, just two feet away from where they’re fighting each other.
I see the picture clearly. There’s only one thing to be done and then everything can be okay. For
everyone. I just need to crawl around get to it. I just need to squeeze a trigger. It can’t be that hard. I’ve
never been strong enough to end my life. My reality. I stand up on my knees.
Pax thinks I’m strong. Maybe, I can do it if I keep repeating his voice and words in my mind. I can do it. I
am strong. I can end this, once and for all. There is no other way. I’m a crawl away from touching the
barrel pointed at me, when I hear someone scream from behind.
“Henry!” the voice calls my father’s name. It’s so loud that it pierces my ears. I turn my head to see Pax’s
mother standing by the door, pale as a sheet, with two men behind her. They’re big and they have guns.
Bodyguards.
How does she know my father’s name?
I realize there’s silence all around me. Everyone has stopped and is now looking at Pax’s mother. I can
see her chin and fingers shaking from ten feet away.
“No…” She whispers and starts shaking her head.
I hear my father’s throaty laugh. We all turn to look at him. He’s laughing that ugly sound like he’s just
witnessed the best comedy every made. My gut threatens to come out through my mouth.
“Julia, Julia, Julia.” He shouts, giggling to himself. How does he know her name?
“I should’ve know it was you, you old slut!” He shouts and I can tell everyone is as confused as I am. I
look at the riffle and slowly crawl to it again. There’s complete silence now and they can hear me easily
so I have to be more careful.
How does my father know Pax’s mother?
“How the hell did you find her, I’m curious?!” My father shouts and this time, there’s no amusement in
his voice. I stop. I freeze. My body wants to shake but it can’t. Something isn’t right. But nothing will be
right if I don’t just get this over with. I try not think. Just get the riffle and pull the trigger. Easy.
“Find who? How did you find me?” Julia shouts. Her voice is so thin and crystal clear and loud that I
flinch. I shiver. I crawl again. I might not know much, but I know that I will not let my father hurt me
again. I’ll die before he can touch Pax.
My father’s laugh echoes in my head and makes my heart skip a beat. Blood is pumping in my ears. If I
just stretch a little more, I can reach it. If I can swallow fast enough, I can end this before I’ve puked all
over myself.
“What the hell, dad?” I hear Travis call. My father stops laughing.
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“Don’t play the innocent with me, you slut! You’re daughter, that’s who! You’re daughter that is just as
much a whore as her mother! Aren’t you, Carmen?”
Everything stops around me. I see my finger a small inch away from the riffle but it has stopped moving,
too. There’s a storm inside my head. I can’t tell anything from the lighting throwing all over me. I gasp. I
can’t breathe. Did the world run out of air?
I concentrate. Think.
I remember. Don’t think, please, don’t think.
My mother. Why is my father telling Julia that I am her daughter? I am not her daughter, Pax is her son!
Please, Pax is her son!
I can’t be her daughter because then, Pax would be…
No.
“No…” Julia shouts, speaking what’s on my mind. “It…i-it can’t... no, you bastard!” She shouts and then
my father laughs again.
“You didn’t know!” He screams and then bursts into laughing again. I can’t take that laugh. I can’t take
what it does to me. To my heart. To my soul. I need the riffle.
“What did you do to her?!” Julia shouts, her voice shaking.
I think about answering but I can touch the cold metal of the riffle now, so I don’t stop. I’m almost there.
“What do you think I did? Remember how we were, me and you?” My father says and he laughs so hard,
for a second I think he has gone mad.
Julia screams. I grab the barrel. I pull it to me as fast as I can. The riffle is on my lap. My hands are
sweating. The metal feels cold. My fingers are shaking. This is it.
I close my eyes. I won't open them again. I’ll never let him touch me again. I’ll never let him hurt Pax. I’ll
never let him throw me inside death’s mouth again. I’ll never see him or my brothers again. I’ll never
feel disgusted or unworthy again. I’ll never cry again. I will not live like this.
Never again.
Forgive me, Pax, I think and then I hear a gun shot.
Silence.
Is it over?
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I try to open my eyes but everything looks dark. Is this how it feels to die? I shouldn’t have been afraid
before. It’s nothing. Literally. Just darkness. No Henry. No Travis or Timothy. No pain. No horror. Just
darkness.
I let go of my last breath eagerly.
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Chapter 20
I see her fall to the floor. My mother. The woman who gave birth to me and raised me. She’s Carmen’s
mother.
I keep waiting for this cosmic joke to end. It can’t be happening. Carmen can’t be my sister. I love her. I
kissed her. I want to keep kissing her. I want to marry her. She can’t be my sister. Everything is moving in
slow motion in front of my eyes. I feel the baseball bat hit me in the shoulder but I don’t even turn to
look around. I see Aaron and McKenzie run toward us with their guns directed at Carmen’s brothers. Are
they my brothers, too?
No. They’re too old and mom’s too young. But she’s old enough to be Carmen’s mother.
I look down and see her. She has her father’s riffle on her lap. Her hands are clenched tightly around it
but her face looks like she’s sleeping. I don’t know if she heard or if she passed out before. I was too
busy fighting her brothers.
I see my father and he calls my name but I don’t hear him. I just see his lips moving. I look at mom. She
fell unconscious right after she pulled the trigger of McKenzie’s gun and hit Henry right in the chest.
She’s more courageous than I gave her credit for.
My knees give and I fall. A feet away from Carmen, on the ground. I look at her hands and I wish I can
holder her. She feels good with her head on my shoulder. It’s like the place is made for her. She looks
peaceful. Beautiful. My blessing, and now my curse.
My sister.
I look but I don’t see. They have me handcuffed like I am the criminal here. Their red and blue lights
would’ve hurt my eyes if I could actually feel it. I don’t like the metal around my wrists. I need to rub my
eyes. I tried to get into the ambulance when they took Carmen and they wouldn’t let me. So, apparently,
my not wanting to hear and wanting to jump inside the van anyway, is reason enough to get me tied.
I see my mother sitting on another ambulance van. My father is standing there, talking to a police
officer. Miranda is covered with a white blanket and she’s resting her head on Amanda’s shoulder. I
don’t even know how she heard or when she came.
“We need to ask you a few questions, son.” A police officer tells me. He’s old but not that old.
“I’m not your son.” I spit and I wish I wasn’t hers, either. I’m so mad at her right now!
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But wait, who says that Henry was speaking the truth? Maybe he was just bullshitting!
Yes! He was just bullshitting! I jump up in my feet and crash right against the policeman’s chest.
“Whoa, whoa, slow down there, Mr. Chase.” He tells me, trying to grab my arms. I move away from his
grasp.
“I need to speak with my mother.” I tell him but he follows me and grabs my arm. There’s not much I
can do since I am tied up.
“What is going on here, officer?” My father says, coming to us.
“Everything is under control.” The officer tells him. I ignore him.
“I want to speak to mom.” I tell dad.
“Are those really necessary?” He says to the policeman, pointing at my hands behind my back.
“Yes, sir, they are.”
I start forward again. I see mom. An officer is trying to talk to her but she’s just staring ahead. She looks
as white as a ghost. Lost. If she wasn’t sitting up, I’d have bet she was dead.
“Son, I don’t think it’s a good idea. She’s not quite…” My father says, trying to stop me.
“I don’t care! I’m talking to her now!” I shout at his face, stopping abruptly.
His eyes take on that sad gleaming I hate so much but he takes a step back and nods at the officer, who
takes his sweet time before he comes behind me to take my handcuffs off. I run.
The police officer trying to interrogate my mom starts to protest once I go to them but one call from my
dad, and he backs away.
It breaks my heart to see her like this. I’m right in front of her and she hasn’t even flinched. I take her
face in my hands. She reacts. Her eyes find mine and they’re lifeless. She smiles a smile that breaks me.
It’s filled with sadness, pain, regret and disgust.
“Mom.” I call her and she keeps her eyes on mine.
“I left.” She whispers. I want to hug her but I want her to talk to me more. So I wait. I fall on my knees in
front of her and take her hands in mine.
“I knew and I left.” She whispers again.
“What did you know?” I ask, fearing I already know the answer. She shakes her head but that smile is
still on her lips. She looks like a mentally ill patient in one of those white mental institutions I’ve seen in
movies. She breaks me with every breath.
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“He beat me. He r-r-raped me. He… held me hostage.” She whispers, smiling all the while. But I don’t
think she knows I'm here. I feel like she’s talking to herself more.
“Henry?” I ask and at that, she flinches. I squeeze her hands tightly.
“Mom, did you give birth to Henry’s daughter?” I ask her and I can’t believe how every word, every
letter feels like a knife with two points that cuts my throat and my mouth and then my life, once the
words leave my body.
“He left me pregnant. I didn’t want a baby. Not with him. He kept me inside for nine months.” She says
and the tears start to stream down her face. I’m frozen. The last string of hope cuts off and I feel like I’m
falling from life.
“I left. She was one day old and I left. I ran. I knew what they would do to her but I was… a coward! I
ran!” She shouts so loud that I feel my ear drums shake. And then she screams. I see her face right
above mine and she has her eyes squeezed shut, her mouth wide open and the sound coming from her
is that of my world crushing down. Of everything I thought I knew falling apart.
I fall back on my ass as the medics run to my mom and try to calm her down, to stop her from
screaming. Miranda and dad are by her side, too. I crawl back, away from them.
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to live here. I don’t want to cry here.
Carmen is my sister.
I wake up. I don’t know where I am. I think I can faintly feel my heart beating. Strange. I didn’t know
hearts continue to beat when you die. I try to open my eyes. I blink a few times to clear the view and I
see white. I look around and feel with my hands. I’m lying on a white bed. Something smells funny. I
don’t know where I am.
The door across from me opens. A woman walks in and she’s wearing a white robe. A doctor. I look
around again. I’m in a hospital.
Did I miss? Where is Pax? Did I or did I not kill myself? And where is Pax?
“He left a few hours ago.” The woman says. She comes to my side and puts two fingers under my wrist.
She smiles at me. I must’ve thought out loud.
“Where?” I try to ask but I can’t make myself say more.
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“It’s okay to be confused, honey. You’ve had severe trauma. You were unconscious for three days.” She
tells me, smiling sadly.
“Is Pax okay?” I say and my voice is nothing but a scratchy whisper.
“Yes. Everyone is fine.” She says, nodding and the sweet relief covers every inch of my body.
But then I remember my father. My brothers. They were there! Where are they now? What if they are
here, too? And they’ll find me. Just like last time and the time before that. I need to run.
“You need to relax, Carmen.” How does she know my name? “Someone will be here shortly to talk to
you. They’ll answer all your questions.” She tells me.
I don’t want to relax. I need to go. Where is Pax?
He is your brother.
A cry escapes me. I don’t know if I have dreamt the whole thing or not. I hope I have. Please, please,
please, make that all be just a bad dream!
The woman leaves and seconds later, the door opens again. I see Miranda’s pale face smiling as she
comes to sit on my bed. It can’t be. I can’t be Pax’s sister.
Please, God! No!
“Hi.” Miranda says. Another cry escapes me. Why did they wake me? Why didn’t they let me die?
“Carmen, it’s okay. It’s over.” Miranda says and she touches my cheeks with her hands. They feel wet. I
must be crying.
“Pax…” I whisper and she smiles sadly, nodding her head.
“Pax is okay. He was here all night and we made him leave this morning. How do you feel?” She asks me.
She’s really sweet.
“Is it… did it… h-happen?” I ask her barely and my whole body keeps shaking. I wait for her response.
As soon as I see her sad smile, I know. It happened. She nods.
“You should rest, Carmen. When you feel better, I will answer all your questions.” She tells me and
wants to get up but I don’t let her. I grab her fingers and I stop her.
“No. I need to know. Now.” I say with the force of panic fueling me.
“Are you sure?” She asks and I can tell she doesn’t want to. But she probably knows that I have no one
else, so that’s why she’s here, even though it’s clear she doesn’t want to be. I feel bad for her but I need
to know.
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“Please.” I whisper and I can’t seem to stop the tears from falling from my eyes.
Miranda sits back again with a sigh, and takes my hand in both hers. She squeezes me lightly and she
speaks.
“Your father… he… and Julia, well, they… had you. It’s confirmed. They ran all the tests. She’s your
mother, too.” She says and when she says ‘too’, I know she’s talking about Pax. I feel my body break all
over again. Does it ever end? My reality. Does it ever end?
“Where is she?” I ask her with my eyes closed.
“Jail. Dad’s doing everything he can.” She says and my eyes pop open.
“Jail?” I repeat. What is she doing in jail?
“After she, um… shot your father and killed him…”
A loud scream coming from my own mouth makes me flinch.
She killed him. My mother killed my father. Father is dead. She killed him! He’s dead!
“Carmen?” Miranda asks and for the first time since I saw him last, I feel a little relief. I must be a
terrible person to be glad of my father’s death. But…
“My brothers?” I ask her, my voice shaking again.
“Jail. And they’re staying for a long time there. Carmen, they confessed to everything. Everything they
did to you, and oh, God, I’m so sorry Carmen.” She says and she starts to cry. Her shoulders move up
and down in rhythm to her sobs.
“They confessed?” I ask, completely stunned with surprise. The Travis and Timothy I know would never
confess. She cleans her tears with the back of her hands and nods.
“Yeah. After the police found out that your father killed his first wife – their mother, and buried her in
the back yard, they broke.” She says.
Oh, God! He killed their mother?! Buried in the backyard?! Now my shoulders are shaking.
“But Julia will be out soon. She did it on self defense. There’s a story we, um… would like you to tell as
well. We kinda adopted the situation to convince the police that he was running to her when she shot
him. So it can be counted as self defense.” She says and I nod immediately. I understand. I will do
everything I can for her. Not just because she apparently is my mother, but she killed my father and as
disgusted with myself as that makes me feel, I’m forever thankful.
“I… Pax…” I start to say but I don’t know what I want to say because my own thoughts are contradicting
each other. A part of me wants to see him and a part of me doesn’t. Can’t.
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“Pax is devastated. I… don’t mean to pry but I think it’s best if you don’t see each other for a while. Until
things get a little more settled.” She says, breaking me with every word. But I nod. She’s right.
“You will be staying with Amanda, if that’s okay with you, until you’re well enough to look for an
apartment.” She continues. Seems like they have it all figured out.
Me, living with my boss. Me, not living with Pax. Every cell in my body is screaming from the pain that
that knowledge brings. The tears I feel sliding down my cheeks remind me that no matter what, things
don’t get better. Not for me. There’s this hole just below my chest that turns like a tornado, taking all of
me in and breaking them and then throwing them on the floor.
For the first time in my life, I feel completely out of hope. I’ve been beaten since I was four, raped since I
was fifteen, and running since I was eighteen. And not once did I let go of hope. Until today. Pax was my
hope. I realize now that I had been waiting for him my whole life. And I found him, my last ray of hope.
But the window of my life closed on it, too, leaving me in complete darkness.
It’s been two weeks since what happened… well, happened. I haven’t seen Pax ever since. I keep seeing
him in every guy in my line of vision, though. One has a shirt that’s almost the same as Pax’s green one.
The other has his hair cut almost like Pax. And another has wide shoulders almost like Pax. But none of
them is exactly Pax.
“Hey, Carmen. What are you doing today?” Austin asks me. I look up and smile at him barely.
“Lunch with Amanda.” I lie through my teeth. And it’s the strangest thing. I don’t care. And I don’t mind
that he’s close to me. My father’s dead. My brothers are imprisoned. My mother still hasn’t asked to
talk to me. And Pax is out of my life for good. I really don’t care anymore.
“Funny.” He says, smiling sarcastically. “Amanda won't be in till 1 today. And that is why we thought to
invite you to lunch with us.” He says, raising a brow like he got me.
I smile sadly. I didn’t want him to know. “Thanks, Austin. But I think I’ll just hang around here.” I tell him
and I look at the girls who’re waiting for my replay.
“I’m sick of seeing you like this!” Linda shouts. She stands up, grabs her purse and comes to me with a
look of an angry cat on her face.
“Get up. We’re getting lunch and if you think you’re saying no again, I’m removing you from that chair
by force.” She yells and it’s very intimidating, I swear. I see J and Anna behind her, and then Mat.
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They’re smiling sadly at me. I open my mouth to say something but Anna has my bag on her hands
already, and they’re headed for the door.
I sigh. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to talk. I want to work.
I’m trying to make myself miserable. Correction, I already am miserable, and I’m looking for more
desperation. This is the third time I’ve said no to them this week.
Fine, I tell myself. It’s just lunch. I get up reluctantly and walk behind them.
“So, tell me, when was the last time you got so drunk you couldn’t remember your name?” J asks us
with a mischievous grin on her face, once we’re all seated in the restaurant across from where we work.
The others start to tell their stories. My mind keeps going back to dark places. I shouldn’t have come at
all. I need to socialize, sure, but I don’t want to. There aren’t many things I need and want at the same
time in my life. Unfortunately, Pax is one of them.
“You?” Linda calls, looking right at me. I smile and look down at my still full plate.
“I haven’t. I mean, I drank but I was never drunk.” I tell them as the topic brings back memories and my
toes curl involuntarily. My first beer.
“Wow! That is one serious problem!” J shouts as if what I just said was the most impossible thing she’s
ever heard.
“A problem we need to fix.” Mat says, raising his glass toward me.
“Tonight!” Linda says, like she just discovered something amazing. I shake my head but thankfully,
Austin speaks first.
“I can’t make it tonight. I’ve got to meet Lily’s parents.” He says and he flinches. A visible shiver runs
down his body. And at that, my ‘problem’ was forgotten and they all started mocking Austin about his
parents-in-law.
After another thirty minutes, they finally decide to get back to the office.
My phone rings and my heart jumps just like every single time. My brain immediately arranges a
scenery, where, somehow, the caller is Pax. The caller is not Pax. It’s Amanda.
“My office!” She shouts as soon as I pick up. I can tell she’s excited.
“Okay.” I say, unsure if I did something wrong or right.
“You’re not going to believe it!” She says and she hangs up. I’m walking with the guys back to work but
I’m too curious to keep the slow pace so I hurry, leaving them behind. I jump in the elevator with a man
and I keep my distance but I don’t feel like I am about to lose it. God, I feel like a stranger.
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I run to Amanda and I open the door without knocking. When I see her on the phone, I realize I
shouldn’t have but she waves me over and I try not to pry on her conversation.
I take a seat on the leather chair across her desk and wait with my head low until she finally hangs up.
Her office is spacious and decorated with a deep, calming purple, while the walls are dotted with gold
and cream. I look around and catch details, waiting for her to start saying what she wants to say to me.
“Here.” She says and offers me a piece of paper with only a logo in it. I take it in my hand and I look at it.
I know what it is but I don’t know what it has to do with me.
“One of the best publishing houses in the US?” I say and make it a question. I could be wrong.
“Correct. And guess who I’ve been to lunch with just now?” She says and I can’t come up with anything
that has to do with anything. I just shake my head and hold her blue eyes.
“With one of the book editors!” She says, excitement clear in her face and voice. But I still don’t get it
and she sees that, so she continues. “He called this morning to meet about my book. I’m getting it
published. I gave it to him a week ago and then he asked for the first copy I wrote. The one you didn’t
correct. He compared the files and he was amazed. And so I told him about you. I told him everything
and he wants to meet now. He wants you to be his literary agent!” She says and that’s just
heartbreaking. I never dreamed about becoming a literary agent, let alone in a book publishing company
as huge as this one. I mean, I’d be reading books all day long! And it would be my job to do so. Perfect.
And yet, now it isn’t. My heart doesn’t even start beating faster after my brain processes the
information. She doesn’t care. My body, neither. I’m not even a little bit excited. All I can think about is
Pax.
“Aren’t you… happy?” Amanda asks with a confused look on her face and a little sadness in her eyes.
My issues are my issues. She’s done so much for me already and I can’t ever thank her enough. I owe
her at least a warm smile and a big thank you. And so I give her my brightest smile and I walk over to her
side of the table to give her a hug. She’s usually the one giving me hugs but this time, I’m taking matters
into my own hands because she has been so much for me. A friend.
“Thank you, Amanda. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you. Thank you for letting me stay
with you, for hiring me and then finding the job for me.” I tell her while I hold her tightly with my arms
around her. She’s smiling and I think she’s even blushing a little.
“Oh, don’t be silly.” She says, waving her hand. “It was all you! You did a great job and people saw it. He
called me and I didn’t lie.”
I smile at her and something nags at my chest. Every feeling in me starts pointing out that something
isn’t right, that something shouldn’t be right – considering my reality, until I remember. I apparently
have documents. The police found them in Wisconsin, hidden below my father’s bed. They also found
the documents issued by a doctor - who I’m also suing because of Miranda and Amanda, saying that I
have a bad case of schizophrenia but thankfully, I passed the tests and my brothers confessed. They
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found everything the same day they found the bones of my father’s first wife. The one he’d killed with a
shovel on the back of her head. So now I have my birth certificate and my passport. I am a legal United
States citizen. If only Pax was here. I would’ve been flying right now.
But I remind myself of my reality again. I remind myself who he is. My own blood. Shivers run up and
down my body when I remember how we’d kissed. How we’d touched and how we’d felt. How he
looked at me and how I adore him. It feels so wrong, and yet, it has never felt more right. Nothing has
felt more right than that.
I wish I could tell him that. I wish I could tell him how much he meant and still means to me. But I can’t. I
can’t see him. I can’t bring myself to call him.
And idea invades my mind and makes my blood boil. I might not be able to see him or talk to him, but I
can write to him! Yes, I can! I just need to tell him a few things. I need to. My face brightens with a real
smile this time.
“We meet him tomorrow and we celebrate after everything is arranged.” Amanda says, confused by my
first genuine smile. I nod, ready to get to my desk and write. “But remember, he’s going to test you first.
He’ll give you something light, a short story to read. You’ll need to be completely honest about your
opinions and very straight forward.”
I remember Pax telling me once to always speak what’s on my mind. I appreciate Amanda’s concern but
I would do it anyway. Speak my mind, that is. Pax told me to.
“Okay.” I say and I stand up to leave. Amanda looks at me with half a smile of wonder on her face for a
few seconds.
“This is good.” She finally says, nodding her head. I feel like she’s talking more to herself than to me. “It’s
good. Good for you.” She says and waves her hand over to me. I hurry back to my chair and I take one of
my notebooks – I’ve filled my drawers with them – and I start to write.
It’s five o’clock and I leave work to go back to Amanda’s apartment. Tomorrow is Saturday and I plan to
go apartment hunting all day long. I don’t really care where. Just somewhere. For once in my life, I can’t
wait to be alone. I feel like I’m a burden for Amanda and I just need to be on my own. Simply because,
no one else is Pax and he is who I want to live with. And since I can’t live with him, I’d rather live by
myself.
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I gave Amanda the letter I wrote to Pax and I asked her to give it to him. She didn’t think it was a good
idea but she agreed, bathing me in relief.
“Carmen?” Someone calls from behind me. I turn to look and see Kim. The girl I’ve met at the makeup
store.
I wave my hand awkwardly.
“It’s Carmen, right? You were at the store a while ago?” She says, coming closer to me. I nod and wave
awkwardly again.
“Hi, Kim.” I say and she smiles, pleased that I have remembered her name.
“Hi. How have you been? Wow, you look different.” She says, looking down at my outfit. When she first
saw me, I was wearing jeans and a shirt. Now, I’m wearing a dark red skirt with a white button up shirt
dotted with small black dots all over. Of course I look different. So much has changed since I went to
that store.
“Good. I’m good. And you?” I ask, to be polite even though I feel weird. Everything about her reminds
me of Pax. And strangely, in a very nice way. Her hair is still as short as last time I saw it and her smile
just as real.
“Great. Just going home after work. You never came back for that coffee.” She says, and I can see the
insecurity in her eyes. She’s not sure how to act because she has no clue how I’ll react. She did say that
she was going to take me for a coffee. And I really have nothing to do today but write.
I smile and try my luck.
“How about we have it now? My treat this time.” I say, for once feeling comfortable in my own skin. I
have money, and from what Amanda told me, I’m about to have more soon. She looks skeptical. “I’m
celebrating, anyway. I got offered a new job.” I tell her and her eyes widen in surprise.
“Really? That’s great! I know this place where they make the best coffees. You can tell me all about it.”
She says and waves for me to pace next to her. I look back for a second and strangely have a good
feeling about this. About Kim.
“Yeah.” I breathe with half a sigh and I walk with her.
The doorbell rings. I have my eyes trained on the TV in front of me but I’m not seeing anything. I don’t
move. It’s probably just Miranda. Who else can it be?
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It’s not like Carmen is coming back. She’s my sister.
Bile rises in my mouth. I feel sick to my stomach. I need a drink. The door to my apartment opens and I
hear heels. I know it’s Miranda but I look at the entrance of the living room, hoping against hope that it
might be her. It’s not.
“Hey.” My other sister says. I wave my hand weakly, too uninterested to speak.
“How ya doing?” She says, trying to joke. I just shrug. How does she think I’m doing? I’m in love with my
sister. The room spins in front of my eyes as I remember standing in this exact same spot with her in my
arms.
“Don’t you think it’s enough? Don’t you think it’s time to start living again?” She asks me. I never take
my eyes off the TV because, no. I don’t. Fuck, I just don’t feel like it.
“We’re worried about you, Pax.” She says, coming to sit beside me.
“Have you seen her?” I ask her abruptly. I don’t realize I have spoken until the words come out of my
mouth.
“No. But she’s okay. She’s working.” Miranda says with her brows raised, trying to tell me that she has
gone on with her life. She doesn’t know Carmen like I do. She was able to mask eighteen years of being
beaten and raped perfectly. She can handle and mask anything. I fucking miss her so much. I miss her
voice and her hair. I miss her smell… Fuck. I’m going to go insane. I really need a drink.
I get up and go to the kitchen to find my alcohol bottles. I grab one without even looking at what it is
and I swallow a mouthful.
“Pax, please.” Miranda pleads and her voice shakes like she’s about to burst into tears. I don’t want her
to cry. I want her to be strong like she used to be. Before she married that prick Nick. Hey, it rhymes!
“You should leave him.” I tell her and go to take my place with my bottle in hand.
“Pax…” She tries but I don’t let her.
“Leave him Mir, before he leaves you. Fuck what dad says. Fuck what anyone says. You don’t deserve
that life you’re living and you know it. Come home.” I tell her with all my heart. Ever since I surprised her
two years ago in the Bronx, and I saw her eye purple and swollen shut, I knew she needed to get the
fuck away from him. I’ve went to her at least six times a year ever since and I’m glad to say I’ve tasted
what it feels like to have my fist connected with my brother in law’s jaw.
“Julia wants to see you.” She says, changing the topic, like always. I don’t want to see her. Not yet. I
can’t.
“How’s the case going?” I ask even though I already know. Dad keeps calling and leaving voice mails
even though I never pick up. I’m actually starting to feel bad for him.
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No, I’m not. Shit.
“Good. The lawyers say that it’ll be over in no time. She has a trial Wednesday and they believe the
judge is going to give the verdict in her favor.” She tells me and I nod. That prick deserved to die. I’m just
sorry I didn’t get to end him.
“Here.” Miranda says and offers me an envelope. She drops it on my lap because I don’t reach out to
take it. She stands up to leave.
“It’s from her. Carmen.” She says and my bottle almost falls to the floor. I look at her wide eyed and
then at the envelope. She smiles a sorry smile before she turns and leaves me alone. With Carmen’s
letter. I stare at it but I don’t dare move. I hear the door closing behind Miranda and I know I’m alone.
What did she say? Maybe she wrote that she never wants to see me again? No, that’s not my Carmen.
But then, my Carmen is not my sister.
Sigh. I need another mouthful of crappy alcohol. I flinch at the heavy taste but I let go of the bottle and
straighten in my seat. I take the envelope with shaking hands and I look at it. I don’t know if I want to
read it or throw it. What if she says that everything we did was wrong and that she feels guilty? That
would fuck me up even more. Because it’s not her fault and it isn’t mine, either. We didn’t know. We
couldn’t dream about being sibling! We had no fucking clue until I fell in love with her. Shit.
I quickly open the envelope and draw out her letter. Her beautiful, pedant handwriting greets me and
sadly for me – because I like to think I’m a tough ass man – brings tears to my eyes. I close them and
inhale deeply a couple of times. Here it goes, I think, and with a million emotions coursing through my
veins, I read.
My Pax,
I don’t know how to write something I haven’t had a Dream about before. But I will try to make sense
and hope that you will understand.
I didn’t live before I met you. I was alive but not living. I used to think fairy tales are the best stories ever
told but I never believed it was possible for them to happen in real life. Because, how can a person give
someone everything and make all her dreams come true, just like that?! You showed me how. You gave
me my own – though short lived, fairy tale. It kills me that it had to end like this.
You gave me my first feeling. You gave me my first laugh. You gave me my first taste of childhood. You
made me believe I can fly for the first time. You gave me a taste of what it feels like to really be free for
the first time. You gave me my first kiss. You gave me my first real clothes and you gave me my first doze
of trust in myself. You gave me my first dream job and you gave me my first notebook. And then a
hundred more.
The second you walked in at Freddy’s, you changed everything and for once, you brought good things
into my reality. You made each one of my dreams come true.
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I know that you are my brother. But I still love you in a way that makes me doubt my sanity, because I
know you are my own blood, and yet you have my soul.
I hope that maybe in the next lifetime, we won’t be siblings. And I’ll wait a thousand years if I have to, if
it means I will get to love you one day and give you all, just like you have given me everything.
Yours forever, no matter how twisted it might sound.
C
Dark.
Darkness is good. Because she is light and if I see light, I’ll think of her. I don’t want to think of her.
I put the rim of the bottle of Jack Daniels on my lips I lean my head back. I drink until nothing more
comes out of it. I need another bottle. And to do that, I need to get up and get out of my dark room.
I think about watching the video on my phone again. I replayed it so many times that I can see it in front
of my eyes even now. The sound of her laugh, back when she was just a girl and I was just a boy, falling
in love with her. I should just delete it and never hear her laughing like that again.
I replay the words of her letter in my mind. I’ve learned them all by memory. I feel like I’m closer to her
when I remember and I can almost hear her whispering that she loves me. She fucking loves me. And
she’s my sister. She’s my fucking sister!
I shout. I throw the empty bottle with all my strength across the room. It slams against the wall and
breaks into a thousand little pieces, mirroring the exact way I am feeling. I rub my palms against my
head.
I remember the first time I saw her. I was at Miranda’s and Nick decided to stay home for breakfast. He
knew how much that would piss me off. Before I could hit him in front of my sister, I went out. I don’t
even know how I decided to go to Freddy’s. I mean, the place looks like shit from the outside. When I
heard her coming over, I was seconds away from leaving. I couldn’t imagine eating there. It wasn’t how I
was used to eating. That was until I looked up. The very first time I felt like the clouds opened and angels
sang for me.
She stood there, achingly beautiful and completely pure. I tried to speak but I couldn’t fill my lungs with
enough air. And when she finally looked at me, my eyes decided that they had seen all the beauty of this
world. That color became the meaning of life and those lips became my purpose. I think I fell for her that
very second. I just didn’t know it.
The door opens.
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“Get out.” I say. It’s Miranda, I know. But I don’t know why she’s still here. Why hasn’t she gone back to
Bronx still? She comes in and closes the door.
“Pax.” She calls my name in reproach. She must’ve heard the bottle breaking and my shout. I didn’t even
know she was here.
“Leave me alone, Mir.” I tell her. Maybe I can get her to bring me a new bottle before she goes. She’ll
never do it.
“Can I turn the light on?” She asks me.
“No.” I jump. I like darkness. She sighs. I hear her steps as she walks around the bed and comes to sit on
the ground, next to me.
“They let Julia go today. The judge’ verdict dictated that it was self defense.” She says and a small rush
of warm relief courses through me. I nod but I don’t think she sees me. I’m happy for mom, though. Is it
Wednesday, already?
“Pax, you need to stop this.” She says like she’s the smartest person in the world.
“I know.” I tell her. I know I need to stop. I just don’t know how. Or if I want to. Being like this seems
much easier than getting up in the morning and going to work.
“I left Nick. For good.” She says. This makes me react. I look at my side but I can only make out her
silhouette. I can tell she’s sad but I can’t say I feel bad. She should’ve done it long ago.
“Good. You did good, Mir.” I tell her with as much emotion as I can. I really am fucking glad she finally
opened her eyes.
“I’ve filed for divorce and dad’s helping.” She says and that surprises me, too. Dad was the one who
pushed her in the first place. I thought he’d be mad. But then again, not once in his calls has he
threatened to fire me. I sure expected that.
“I need you now, Pax.” She says and her voice shakes. I can tell she’s crying. I close my eyes though it
makes no difference and I slam the back of my head against the wall behind me. God, how she broke me
just now. Again. I know she needs me. And I have always told her that I’d be there whenever she needed
me. And I’m not. I can’t be there for her because I’m trying to drown in my fucking misery. Or reality,
like Carmen would say.
I reach for her hand without looking and hold it, squeeze it tightly while I keep bumping my head against
the wall. I love my sister. In a complete sisterly way. And I want to be her rock. Especially now that she
finally sent Nick to hell. I have to be strong for her.
“I’m sorry.” I tell her because even though I know, I still can’t. I’m not ready for a world where Carmen is
my sister, the sister I’ve made out with, slept with and fell in love with. Situations like this tend to leave
a man scarred for life.
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I can hear Miranda crying silently and she squeezed my hand. It feels good to know she knows. Or at
least, can imagine what I’m feeling. I realize I need her just as much as she needs me.
“Remember when we were kids and when you used to beat the shit out of me for touching your stuff?
But when it came to mom or dad yelling at me, you yelled at them like crazy and told them to leave me
alone?” I tell her, remembering those days as clear as yesterday. Or the month before. I don’t exactly
remember much of yesterday.
Miranda laughs and slides closer to me.
“I do. I liked those times. You still wasn’t strong enough to fight back until you were like ten or
something.” She says. “Good days.” She sighs.
“You always protected me, even when I didn’t need protection.” I say in wonder.
“Of course I did. Being overprotective comes in job description of being an older sister.” She says, calmly
and she leans her head on my shoulder.
“Then why don’t I feel overprotective of Carmen? I am her older brother. Why do I still love her like I
shouldn’t?” I whisper and until I hear her cry, I don’t realize I have spoken out loud.
But that’s when I break. Tears jump out of my eyes like they’ve been waiting to do for a month now. My
whole body shakes as I let the pain consume all of me. Miranda wraps her arms around my shoulders
and pulls me to her chest. I hold on tightly to her fragile arms and I cry. I sob like a fucking baby but I
can’t stop. And Miranda cries with me.
It’s my first day at my new job today. And after I finish, I’m moving to my new apartment. Kim is helping
me and so is Amanda. I tried to do it myself, but she ended up finding the apartment for me, too. I have
so much to thank her for. And Kim. She’s been my friend ever since the day I saw her in the street and
we had coffee. Amanda likes her. Says she’s bold and doesn’t ‘take shit from no one’. I like that Amanda
likes her. I’ve somehow come to see my former boss as a big sister, though I wouldn’t know how that
really feels like since I’ve never had sisters. Just brothers. And Pax, who’s also my brother.
I don’t want to go to the new apartment. I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m touching the doorknob of
Amanda’s apartment, ready to get going but I can’t. A cry escapes me. Before I know it, I’ve fallen to the
floor, crying. I don’t want to go to the new apartment alone. I want to go to Pax.
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Someone’s at the door and I think they’re trying to break it. I hope it’s not Ash. I sent him and the boys
away just yesterday. I walk lazily to open the door and I’m surprised to see my father standing there. He
looks like shit. I think he’s lost weight. He looks old.
I walk inside without a word but leave the door open for him to follow me. I go straight to the kitchen
and get my bottle of old scotch, two glasses and I go to sit on the sofa. I pour the alcohol and slide his
glass over next to me on the table. He comes to sit in front of it.
“How have you been?” He asks me after our first glasses are forgotten and I’m pouring the seconds.
Well the fourth for me, actually.
“Like shit. I’m in love with my sister.” I tell him with a shrug. “You?” I ask. There’s something about
seeing your father look old for the first time. I never thought he’d get old. Childish, I know but he was
always so strong and energetic.
“Like fuck. My whole family is falling apart.” He says and I nod. I get what he means.
I lean back on my sofa and I drink with dad for another twenty minutes, silently. In those twenty
minutes, I do what I can to not start shouting. I feel like I need to but I also feel sorry for him. I’ve never
felt sorry for him before. But I didn’t know Carmen before.
“You’re not in love with your sister.” He tells me and I do what I can not to break the bottle to his head.
“You would know, since you are me.” I say sarcastically.
“Paxton, you’re not in love with your sister.” He says again and this time, the level of seriousness in his
voice in panic worthy. He never talks calmly when he’s serious. He yells. No time to wonder now.
“You’re so full of shit.” I spit. “I know what I’m feeling, dad. I am in love with her and unfortunately, she
is my sister. But don’t worry about it. You got what you wanted and you didn’t even have to move a
finger to make it happen. Life did it all for you while you just sat back and watched. I’m not with her
anymore, obviously.”
I know half the things I’m saying are wrong and mean but I can’t help it. I’m too fucking pissed at
everything.
“Paxton, you’re not listening. You’re not in love with your sister.” He says and I finally hear hints of anger
in his voice. I turn to face him, glass in hand.
“I am!” I shout at his face. He’s ready to start yelling but, by some kind of miracle, he makes himself
stop. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply. That’s when I know that whatever this is, it’s deep. Nothing
makes my father second guess his actions. I brace myself.
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“I need to tell you something and now is probably not the best time since, well, we’re both drunk, but
you need to hear it. And before I tell it, I want to say I’m sorry first. I don’t mean to be how I am. It’s the
only way I know how to be, the way my father was with me.” He says shaking his head. My gut turns and
I’m a mess of nerves right now. I know that whatever he wants to say is going to be big.
“What is it, dad?” I ask him and I’m surprised by the weakness of my own voice.
“When… when I met Julia, it was right about a year after my first wife died. I fell head over heels in love
with her. I asked her to marry me in our four month’s anniversary.” He says, smiling sadly and shaking
his head. I listen without moving a muscle, though I have no idea where he wants to go with this.
“Anyway, she said yes and we got married. Everything was perfect until I said I wanted a baby. She
freaked out. She panicked. She said she was never going to give birth to a baby, ever in her life. I didn’t
know what the hell was going on but fuck if I tried to understand. Women are women, you know. And
that’s when her drinking started. She never stopped after that and it still kills me. I still love her like the
first time I saw her.”
“I tried to convince her for a while but I couldn’t. She never listened. But I managed to convince her to
adopt a baby.”
My blood is rushing through my veins and pounding in my ears. My mouth is dry but I don’t feel like
drinking my scotch. I don’t even think I’m blinking.
“And so we agreed and we started looking. I was so excited. I wanted a boy and she said that it’s okay to
have a boy. She wanted a boy, too. I couldn’t have been happier. We were looking for babies, newly
born boys. We figured the best way to raise a child is by raising him from the very beginning.”
I’m sweating like a pig. I rub my palms against my shorts. I don’t stop to breathe. I’m all ears. It occurs to
me that these things look so much easier on TV. I feel what is about to come.
“But then, Julia saw you. You were almost four years old and the sweetest thing we’d ever seen, aside
from Miranda. You just stood there by the window and didn’t care to look who was behind you. Julia
said that if she was having a baby, it would be you and no one else. I agreed completely.” He tells me.
“So, no. You’re not in love with your sister. You were adopted, son.” He finishes, looking down at his
glass.
I’m floating on air. I can’t tell where I am anymore. I was adopted. Carmen is not my sister. My real
parents gave me up?
Carmen is not my sister.
Why? Was something wrong with me? Is something wrong with me?
Julia is not my mother. And dad… All of the sudden, everything he has ever done, every time he’s gone
out of his mind to stop me from doing things, everything, makes sense to me. He did all of it because I
was adopted.
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But he just put a knife through my torn heart. Jeez, I’m such a pussy for thinking this. But hell if it
doesn’t hurt like shit.
“You knew this all along and you didn’t tell me? You, and mom, and Mir?” I ask even though I already
know the answer. I should’ve agreed to talk to mom. She would’ve told me. I could’ve saved myself and
Carmen so much pain.
Dad chuckles, brining me back to the present. I look at his face and see his tears shine on his cheeks. My
body grows weak again. He’s dad! Dad doesn’t cry!
“Dad.” I call him. I need him to stop. I need him to be strong for me, just like he always is.
He wipes his tears and nods his head, inhaling deeply.
“Yes. Of course I did. I knew and I thought I was doing right. I thought you’d get over it. And then Mir
kept telling me and you never returned my calls! Don’t do that, Paxton. Don’t ignore my calls.” He says
and he pleads. My father actually pleads for me to return his calls. And I’m not even his son. “And
Miranda was thrilled when we brought you. We told her that Julia gave birth to you but we kept you in
another house for a while. She believed it immediately and never second guessed anything. She was just
a kid.”
It occurs to me, again, that I love this man. I love him and no matter who brought me to this world, he’ll
always be my dad.
And Carmen’s not my sister. Every cell in me itches to start running to her. I feel the pieces of my heart
snitching back together. I’m healing but I know that if I leave now, I’ll kill him.
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” I ask him. I think he thinks I’m mad. I’m not mad. How can I be mad? I
have a man who adopted me and loves me like a son, a mother who didn’t give birth to me but gave
birth to the person I love the most in this world and it’s clear to me now why she drank. I understand
her. I did the exact same thing for almost a whole month. To try and forget.
“How the fuck do I know?! I was sure you’d leave. If you knew I’m not really your father, you wouldn’t
put up with my shit anymore!” He says and I laugh. I laugh so hard that my head hurts, as if I’m crying.
He looks at me dumbfounded but he smiles and shakes his head.
“Dad. You are my father. And mom is my mother. And it just so happens that both me and my future
wife have one and the same mother, but hey! It’s just our reality!” I tell him and than I do what I haven’t
done in almost twenty years. I hug him.
I hug him and he cries. He thinks I can’t feel it but I let him think he’s fooled me. When I finally let go of
him, he looks more like himself. He looks calmer than I’ve ever seen him before. As calm as I am.
Because now I understand.
“You’re still a dick, though.” I tell him and get up to go and get dressed.
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“Hey! I’m still your father, boy!” He shouts behind me.
“That you are! Unfortunately.” I shout back with a grin and I know he knows I’m kidding. I feel like I
haven’t joked in a life time. I turn the light on and I let myself remember every single detail about
Carmen. I’m going to get her and I will not let her go, ever again. She is not my sister. Fuck, it feels like
heaven.
I bump my fists on Amanda’s door as hard as I can, over and over again. I can’t wait to see her face. I
can’t wait to kiss her lips.
The door finally opens and a girl I’m pretty sure I’ve seen before looks at me with wide eyes.
“Hello… Cam’s ex boyfriend.” She says with a mischievous grin and I remember her immediately. She
was the one who said she was going to take Cameron for a coffee. Why is she calling her Cam?
“Amanda…” I say the same second Amanda’s head peeks out from behind the girl.
“Pax, hey! What are you doing here?” She says, confused and surprised.
I’m leaning against the door frame with both hands because I’ve run out of breath. I ran like hell to get
here.
“Where is she?” I ask her, and wonder why she hasn’t come out yet. She can hear my voice. Unless she
doesn’t want to see me.
Fuck. I didn’t even consider that.
“She’s not here. What are you doing, Pax?” Amanda says, and her eyes look sad as she stares at me with
pity.
“What do you mean, she’s not here? It’s six thirty.” I say, confused.
“Pax…” Amanda says, pressing her lips together and shaking her head lightly.
“Amanda, listen to me. I need to get to her now. Tell me where she is.” I tell her. I don’t have time to
explain. I need to see her now. I grab her by her shoulders because she doesn’t look like she wants to
give me anything.
“She got a new apartment. She’s there now with some of her stuff and we’re preparing the rest to take
to her in a few. Pax, please. Don’t do this.” Amanda says reluctantly, grabbing my arms with her hands.
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“Give me the address.” I urge her.
“Pax, I can’t. I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She says and the look of pity on her face makes me want
to laugh. She thinks I’m crazy.
“Amanda, she’s not my sister. Please, give me the address.” I tell her quickly. Her eyes widen in surprise
and panic. She doesn’t know if she can trust my words. It’s not her fault. I’ve been acting like a lunatic all
month.
“What do you mean?” She whispers, incredulous.
“Exactly that! She’s not my sister, Amanda. The address, please!” I say louder than I intend to but my
patience is already worn and I can’t wait a second longer.
“Oh.” She half whispers, half gasps and then walks inside.
“What do you mean she’s not your sister? Who’s not your sister?” The girl from the makeup store asks,
looking at me suspiciously with her arms crossed in front of her. But Amanda comes back with a piece of
paper in her hand and she hands it to me before I can replay. Not that I intended to.
“Thank you.” I say and start to run to the stairway again.
“I hope I won't regret this, Pax! I’ll wait for your call!” Amanda calls behind me and then I hear the girl
ask her the same question she asked me.
I jump down the stairs three at a time because I’m too nervous to wait for the elevator. I check the
address and it’s not far at all. I hurry to my car.
Exactly seven minutes later, I’m inside her building apartment. It looks good but I don’t stop to analyze. I
take the stairs and stop on the hallway of the second floor. I search for apartment number five and my
heart skips a beat when I see it. Maybe because she knows who’s behind the door. I want to knock. I
don’t want to knock. I want to surprise her. But how? I try the door. It opens.
Huh. That’s unlike Carmen. She never leaves doors unlocked. I walk inside very slowly and close the door
behind me. The place is empty. I walk to the first door on my left and look inside. My whole body shakes
at the sight of her. I lean against the door and watch her.
She’s facing on the other side, looking out the window. She’s wearing a black dress that makes her look
like she’s a freaking fairy. And I haven’t even looked at her face! There’s boxes around her, only a few.
She doesn’t move. I take my time to watch her sun-and-moon, silky, curls and her long legs. I take my
time to regain my control and smile at myself like an idiot. I feel like I’m freaking Superman right now.
Like I can do just about anything.
And then she steps back and sits on one of the carton boxes. She doesn’t even look back. Because she is
crying.
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My smile fades instantly. Why is she crying? She’s sitting there, wiping her eyes and rubbing her face,
silently. I can’t stand to see her cry. I take one loud step inside and she finally turns her head to look at
me. I almost expect her to jump back but she doesn’t. Her beautiful mouth parts slightly and her
emerald eyes grow wide.
“Hey.” I say with a breath. I can’t wait to grab her in my arms but I’m not really sure. I didn’t expect her
to be crying.
“Hi.” She whispers and smiles sadly.
She doesn’t ask me what I’m doing there. She doesn’t ask how I found her. She doesn’t say anything.
She just watches me and I can tell by her eyes that she missed me just as much as I missed her. The
longing in her eyes brings life to my heart.
“Why are you crying?” I ask her calmly, stepping further inside to get closer to her.
She shakes her head and looks down at her hands for a second.
“I don’t know. I have a new apartment.” She says, waving her hands around.
I nod. “Don’t you like it?” I say and look around but only for a second. My eyes crave the image of her
only.
“No.” She says and she shrugs. I have the urge to laugh. It’s amazing how she says exactly what she is
thinking, without holding back. It’s so fucking pure and admirable.
“Why not?” I ask instead. The place seems fine. She shrugs again.
“I don’t know. I signed up for classes in college. I got a new job. In a book publishing company and…” She
stops to inhale deeply.
I step closer until I’m right in front of her.
“That’s amazing! Congratulations.” I say, feeling proud as fuck for her.
She stands up and tries to smile but she can’t pull it off. I have the urge to grab her face with my hands.
She looks so beautiful crying silently like this.
“Thanks. It’s amazing, really. I get to read and write all day, every day. And I get paid for doing it. It’s so
much more than I could have ever asked but it sucks.” She says, shaking her head, losing me. “And I
need this apartment. I need the job. But I don’t want them. They’re pointless because I don’t have you…
I can’t have you.” She says and her voice breaks. It’s all I can take and I wrap my arms around her tightly
until she’s completely pressed against me. I inhale deeply and enjoy the smell of honey that is
completely her. She grabs my shirt in her fists and continues to cry silently.
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“Pax, you’re my brother.” She says and her whole body grows tense. She wants to get away from me.
It’s like she just remembered and she knows we’re not supposed to be hugging like this. She thinks she
knows. I don’t let her step away from me.
I take her face in my hands and the hurt I see in her eyes breaks me. But I am about to heal all of her
pain now. I smile brightly while she looks at me, completely confused.
“I’m not your brother, Carmen.” I tell her.
“Yes, you are.” She says, narrowing her brows. I shake my head.
“No. I’m not.”
I look at her lips as her mouth falls open and everything in me tells me to go for it. To just kiss her. To
never let her go. Who needs air, right?
“Pax, please…” She whispers because I know I’m hurting her. I’m not making any sense.
“I’m adopted, Carmen. I was adopted when I was four years old. Julia is not my biological mother.” I say
and for a second she freezes in my arms. And the next, her whole body starts to shake. She lets out a cry
as her eyes look like they’re changing color while the emotions that are taking over her body reflect in
them.
“A-are you sure?” She whispers, stuttering.
My giant grin tells her enough but I also nod and speak. I’m too excited. “Yes. Yes, Carmen. You’re not
my sister, Carmen. You’re not my sister and I love you. God, I love you so much, Carmen. You’re my sun.
You’re my angel and I bet those other fuckers up there are dying of jealousy right now. Because you
shine brighter than any of them.” I give her all of me with those word – fuck if I know where they’re
coming from – and I watch her crystal clear tears fall down her eyes but it’s okay. Those perfect eyes
aren’t sad anymore. They’re happy. They’re healed, just like I am.
And then I kiss her. I kiss her with all of me without waiting a second longer. I breathe her, I feel her, I
completely live on her lips. She moans happily and puts her arms around my neck to pull me to her,
before she leans back and searches for my eyes.
“I love you.” She says to me and I’ve read her letter but hearing her saying the words out loud is just
sensational.
“You have my heart.” I whisper to her, touching my forehead to hers and she giggles. God, I’ve missed
that sound.
“What?” I ask smiling widely myself and looking forward to the next kiss I know we’re about to have.
“Nothing. It’s just that, I think, you mean your soul.” She says and the words from her letter come to
mind.
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“I don’t know what I’m saying but I mean to say I love you.” I tell her with a shrug. I don’t give a fuck
about words. She’s the master for those. I only care about the feelings.
“I think we love with our souls. Those invisible parts of us that enable us to have emotions. Parts of us
that feel. Parts of us that make our knees shake and our palms sweat and that make our hearts beat like
they’re racing. Our souls fall in love. But that’s just what I think.” She says so passionately that I wonder,
how does she come up with things like this? When does she think these things? How can a mind be so
beautiful?
“Well, then…” I say and bring her lips to mine, and whisper against her skin. “You are my soul, baby.”
I grab his face in my shaking hands and I pin him to me. My God, is this real?
Yes, it is. I can see it in his melting chocolate eyes. We’re alone, kissing in my new apartment and he is
not my brother. This gorgeous, gorgeous man loves me and he is not my brother. My knees are shaking
and I feel like I’ve just been blessed from God’s own mouth. I feel like the skies are opening for me and
they brought Pax to heal me, to revive me, because I wasn’t living in the past month.
I kiss him and show him just that. He brought back life to me for the second time.
“I love you. I love you, I love you so much…” I tell him with my heart on my sleeve. He growls and he
wraps his arms around my waist and he pulls me up. I scream and laugh and he laughs with me while he
spins me on air and my legs fly. I fly in his arms.
“I love you, angel.” He whispers and he lets me down to meet his mouth with mine again. I need to feel
him. All of him. I want to make love to him. I know I can do it. Right now! Not a second later.
I grab his hands and I run to the door on our far left. The bedroom. We go inside giggling and he stops
once he sees the empty bed without sheets. He looks at it and then at me. I smile widely.
“Carmen…” He whispers, smiling a half smile, feeling unsure.
“I want to.” I tell him and I drag him over to the bed with me.
“Carmen, I don’t… it’s not fair to you, baby. I want it to be perfect.” He says and just pushes me even
more. I sit down on the bed and I look up at him. He frames my face with his hands and oh, how I’ve
missed his palms. His soft and warm palms on my face. Everywhere on me.
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“What’s unfair is if you don’t take me right now, Pax. Right now.” I breathe against his hand as I
remember him telling me the exact same thing when he asked me to stay with him. He gasps and he
pushes me on the bed. The next second he’s kissing me like he’s been starving and I’m the only food left
in the world. He puts his hand on the base of my back and pushes me further up on the bed. His hands
are all over me and everything in me reacts to him just like before. I’m already burning. It’s like I’ve been
blind this whole time and now that he’s finally here with me, kissing me, I can see again.
“Carmen, I want you…” He whispers to me while he trails kisses down my neck.
“I’m yours.” I say and my voice is so low that for a second I doubt he heard me. Until he stops and brings
his beautiful chocolate eyes in front of mine. What I see in them, what I see in the hot chocolate
spinning in circles and melting with desire, is adoration.
“You’re mine.” He repeats after me and then he takes me.
My hands grab his shirt and I throw it on the bed above me without care. I can’t wait to feel his body on
mine again. His mouth has mine begging for more every time he bites my lips and licks my tongue. His
hand grabs my thigh and I cry in pleasure. I can already feel the hardness of him and my insides crave
him. I don’t think. I need to touch his V again. My hands slide down and the second I find it, his fingers
find my panties. I cry again. It occurs to me that I have a black bra and black lacy panties on. I smile
internally at the hope that he will like it. But his hand plays with me and makes me writhe underneath
him while his other hand starts to slowly push my dress up. I want to help him pull it off faster but he
stops me.
“Let me.” He says before he kisses me again and takes his time undressing me. Sparks fly in front of my
eyes when his hand finally reaches my breasts. My body pushes forward to meet him. He stops for only
a second to take my dress off and I think I’ll go mad if he doesn’t hurry.
He gasps and makes me open my eyes. My God, but he is so beautiful. And the way he looks at me right
now, with so much passion and desire, I feel beautiful, too. And hungry. Very, very hungry. Every second
I’ve felt hungry for him in the last month makes it to the surface, and as I watch his eyes linger on my
body, and feel his fingertips move up and down on my skin, I can take no more. I lean up a little and grab
his belt. I pull him forward and he falls on top of me. My hands are shaking but I’ve never felt better. I
work his belt and he pushes his hand underneath me to take my bra off.
I unbutton his jeans. My breathing stops. I unzip them and my hand touches him. My whole body
catches goose bumps. I’m curious as much as I am dying for him. I push my hand inside his underwear.
“Oh, baby… oh, God!” He moans and I make a mental note to forever tease him about it but I forget as
soon as my brain registers what I’m touching. It’s silk. Hard, unbelievably smooth silk that somehow
sends signals to the very center of me. To the center of me that is completely wet and in need and
screaming.
I feel his finger slowly trace the edges of my panties and I can feel his hesitation. I push with my hips
against him to tell him that it’s okay and thankfully, he understands. Two fingers slide underneath the
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lacy material. I cry and I tighten my grip instinctively around him. He cries even louder. I throw my
undone bra away from me shamelessly with my free hand and Pax, as if he reads my mind, leans down
and puts my nipple in between his teeth.
My head pushes backward and I lose the strength to even whisper. It is so much better than his hands! I
let go of him because I need both my hands on his hair. I pull him to me as he takes in his mouth as
much of my breast as he can. He plays with his tongue and with his teeth, sucking and grazing until I
don’t remember my name anymore. And then he starts to trail kisses down under my chest, to my belly
button and on my hips. He looks at me from beneath his lashes and I take a picture of the view in front
of me with my brain, so that I can replay it over and over again in my mind. He keeps my eyes while his
fingers slowly grab the band of my panties. I want to urge him to move faster but I’m enjoying this
torture all too much. He moves so very slowly as he pulls them down. My fingers scratch the mattress
underneath me because I don’t have anything to grab at. And then he stands on his knees and pulls my
panties all the way up my legs before they disappear behind him. He pushes his jeans down on the way
but not his shorts. He takes my legs in his hands and he holds them so that both my ankles are resting
on his shoulders.
He watches me. He moves his hands up and down my legs and he looks like a man who’s calculating his
moves to the last detail on his mind until he grins that beautiful grin at me.
“You look so incredible, baby. I can’t wait to taste you.” He says and then turns his head to kiss my left
leg. He slowly trails down – or up to my thigh but then he stops. He spreads my legs wide and pushes his
hands under me. My eyes squeeze shut with anticipation and my head flies back.
And then it hits me.
I feel his wet tongue and everything in me twitches. Everything I’ve known so far takes a whole new
meaning. Every story I’ve ever dreamed of just became more vivid. More real. More understandable. I
don’t even try to control the sounds that come out of me anymore. He goes on and on and at some
point, I’ve grabbed his hair and I push him to me because I can’t get enough. I need him inside me
completely. As if he hears my thoughts he moves his wonderful, magical mouth to my hips my stomach
and all the way up to my mouth. He kisses me while he speaks.
“You.” Kiss. “Are.” Kiss. “The most.” Kiss. “Delicious thing I’ve ever.” Kiss. “Ever.” Kiss. “Tasted in my life,
babe.” And then he moves on to the other parts of my face. “You’re my heaven, Carmen.”
I feel tears in my eyes but not because I’m sad, but because my body is not used to feeling so good at
the same time. I feel healed. I feel completely healed from everything I’ve been through my entire life. I
feel my fear leave every cell of me and it disappears into thin air. It frees me. Pax frees me completely.
I reach for his shorts and I push the band of them down. I wait for him impatiently while he prepares
and I open up for him, ready and eager.
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“Have me, Pax. Have all of me forever.” I whisper against his lips and he does. He pushes his hips and we
both moan in unison, in absolute delirium once he’s completely inside of me, filling the air with the most
beautiful music of all.
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Chapter 21
My fingers twitch from nervousness. My palms are sweaty and my blood keeps rushing to my ears and
cheeks. Pax comes behind me and kisses the top of my head, blanking my mind for a second. I turn on
the stool and put my arms around him. His beautiful face greets me with a smile before he leans down
and gives me a life giving kiss. I can’t believe I’m actually here with him.
“You nervous?” He asks me and I nod.
“I’m a mess.” I tell him, honestly. He giggles and caresses my cheek with his hand.
“I think you need this, baby. You both do.” He tells me and I nod again. I know I need this. I know I need
to speak to Julia but it doesn’t mean that I have to feel fine about it. Because I don’t. I feel like I’m going
to be sick any second now. Except when Pax is around me. He has that thing that makes everything
around me look great. I lean in and kiss him again.
“You’ll be fine. And the second you feel uncomfortable, I’ll be right across the hall, waiting. I promise.”
He tells me and I thank him with another kiss. I can’t get enough of him. Everything looks bright and
sunny even though it’s raining outside and the kitchen of Pax’s parent’s house is pretty dark.
“I’ll get her. Good luck, baby. I love you.” He tells me like he knows that’s exactly what I need to hear for
my courage to stand up. To know that I am loved. Because the fact that I am about to talk to my mother
for the first – technically second – time of my life, doesn’t mean that it’s going to be good. Who knows
what she’ll tell me? If she’ll want me. Well, I’m with Pax and she’s going to have to be around me at
least once a year but what if she doesn’t want to be?
I guess I’ll find out soon enough. I squeeze Pax tightly once more and kiss him, before I let him go. I
watch him grinning and moving out of the kitchen, all the while keeping his eyes on me until the door
closes.
I smile at myself like an idiot and take a second to thank God for this. I thank him for Pax and for the life
I have now. Everything looks different and I adore my job. I didn’t even get the new apartment. Pax said
that I was going to live with him permanently and that he’d have it no other way. Needless to say I
eagerly agreed. And I sleep in his room. Every night. And I wake up every morning with a big goofy grin
on my face because I know I’ll see him. And I thank God for finally freeing me from my nightmare. And
for Julia.
When she called me, I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say much. She said she’d like to see me and
talk and I didn’t have to say anything other than ‘okay’, thankfully. Now I’m here, waiting for her.
The door behind me opens. My body freezes since I know it’s her. I have no idea what will happen here
but I know this. No matter what she says and no matter what the whole world thinks, I can take it.
Because Pax will be with me along the whole way. He will never let me go. He promised.
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So I remind myself that and I stand up. I turn to see Julia, pale as a sheet, coming toward me. She smiles
sadly and so do I. We have many things to figure yet.
“Hello, Carmen.” She says.
“Hi.” I wave my hand. She comes around the countertop, just like last time, and she stops right across
from me. I take my seat again.
“How are you?” She asks me, smiling. I like her smile. She’s very beautiful.
“Good.” I say with a nod but I can’t ask her the same. She doesn’t look so good and I don’t know how I’ll
handle it if she tells me she’s not very well.
“Before we begin this, I want you to know that I wanted to call you earlier. I just… couldn’t. I didn’t know
who you were and… it took me some time to come around.” She says and I nod. I understand.
“I want to tell you my story, Carmen. And then I want to hear yours, if you want to tell it.” I nod again. I
don’t know if it will be hard or not. But I’ll think of Pax the whole time.
“I don’t know how I did what I did, but I know that I shouldn’t have. And if I could turn back time I
would’ve never left you there with him. I shouldn’t have left, and I’m so sorry.” She says and her voice
shakes while her eyes fill with tears.
I feel bad for her. I’ve wondered so many times where she was and why she left me. I should’ve known
that father did to her what he did to me. It still hurts and stings to know that she left me alone and ran,
but then again, I ran from him, too.
“It’s useless to talk about what could have been. We can’t change the past. What matters is now.” I tell
her, hoping to make her feel a little better. And I think I do because she looks up at me and smiles.
“Yes. Only now matters. And I know it will be hard but I will try. I already quit drinking.” She says and I
think she feels a little embarrassed. I remember Pax telling me the same but he said that she wouldn’t
accept to go to rehab and they’re afraid that she’ll start drinking again.
“Why won't you go to rehab?” I ask her abruptly.
She smiles and shakes her head. “I don’t need rehab, honey. I quit when I want to quit. I never did
before because I didn’t want to. It was easier to at least try not to think of you, of the one day old baby I
left and ran from, every living second. I already have what I need to not think about drinking again. I
take things as they are given and I was given you again, by some miracle. I’m not going to mess that up
again.” She says and for a second, I feel like I am listening to myself. It’s the first thing so far with what I
can associate myself to her. I take what I am given, too. I always have. But then, I look at her closely and
see the hope in her eyes. Green eyes. Almost the exact same as mine. I can’t believe I never noticed
before. But last time I saw her, they weren’t shinning. They weren’t hopeful.
I smile. It feels good to know I’ve taken after her. I always feared I’d only take after my father.
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“Tell me your story.” I say to her because I am curious. I do understand her but only half way. I want her
to help me understand her motives completely. How she felt, what she thought. Things I can learn from
for my own life. And strangely, I feel completely calm. Pax is in my mind and my mother in front of me,
and I feel peaceful.
I know it’s going to be hard and I feel it the second she starts to tell me the story of her and my father.
But I think pain makes life worth living. The sun always shines brighter after rain. And my tomorrows
finally look promising after a very long nightmare.
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