Elvis Preview

A “Fancy” Production
The Elvis, Live at the biltmore
July 26, 2015
L
adies and D1ckbags,
I finally have an event to call my own. And it pleases me more than
scalping hundys from everyone’s favorite dentist to welcome you all to
the first Elvis: Live at the Biltmore that I’m the official presenting agent.
Some of you may know me, but for those who don’t allow myself to
introduce…myself. Basically I’m the shit. Seriously. Name a trophy and
I’ve probably won it (except for LBLDI, that shit is bunk). World #1 like a
million times, won more cash than Chambers spends on body hair
conditioner, invented the BGA and I’m in the Hall of Fame. Did I mention
Legend? But enough about me (for now), when the NewBrass
approached me (or maybe I approached them) about presenting an event
it was easy to choose which event I wanted. I could pick the BRC, but
that is the single event killing the BGA and I didn’t want my name
associated with that dumpster fire. I created the MatchPlay out of thin
air, but realized quickly that thing is two steps away from joining He
Hate Me and the XFL. That left the Shootout or the Elvis. Les Brown is a
past champion of the Shootout. The Elvis it is! Which made the most
sense because I have said for years that the Biltmore is far and away my
favorite course that the entire BGA plays every year. It is the definition
of old Florida golf. The course was designed in 1925 by Old Tom Morris’
apprentice Donald Ross to augment the world famous Belleview
Biltmore Hotel. America’s industrial royalty of the 20’s, 30’s & 40’s
challenged the Clearwater layout and now the BGA’s royalty is laying
waste to the gnarly rough, undulating greens and the mind-bending
false fronts. The Elvis’ history is steeped in tradition from a Legend
capturing the first, LDS’ 3-peat, the first ever BGA playoff to The Big
Easy’s 3-Way playoff victory last year. The Elvis brings blowouts &
drama. It has everything. Awesome hats, eagles, playoffs and some
really well played golf. One can only imagine the possibilities this year.
Will I win my own event? Will I wear a sweet fu<king hat? Will I throw
my putter? Will I alienate some of you with a hilariously awful group?
The answers to all of these questions (which is a resounding YES!!) will
be answered this weekend at the year’s 5th Major & most prestigious
venue on Tour, the 2015 Elvis: Live at the Biltmore presented by this
mother fu<ker! You’re Welcome.
Group 1
Group 2
Group 3
JMo 32
Grimaldi 13
Neuff 31
Toph 8
Lion 26
Griz 24
Big Easy 25
Reeves 28
Kernel 14
Vince 18
Steve 12
Gigantor 26
Group 4
Group 6
Group 5
L Brown 5
T Moore 24
Satz 10
LDS 18
Twan 16
Farris 28
NASCAR 4
Duke 25
T West 22
Host 24
Erb 35
Flynnsy 11
SpotlightEx-Commish
What more can be said about the former
Commish? If you would like to know just ask
him. Notice the deep inhale before he replies,
wait 15 minutes, then contemplate what you
just witnessed. That feeling is the definition
of a J Willy smoke bath. For 7 years that 15
minutes was the BGA in a nutshell. A mix of
hysterical gems, a BGA history lesson,
business, ballwashing, random nonsense,
genuine concern and fantastical ideas. All of
it culminating with your eyes glazed over in
amazement and confusion or doubled over
with laughter wondering what he will say
next. If your still reading this you know about
all of his accolades, and chances are you
don’t care. Fancy is the host of the Elvis for
one reason (2 if you count begging the NewBrass) and that reason is showmanship. Just
like Elvis gyrating his hips as he belts out “only fools fall in love” while your grandma threw
her panties on stage, the ex-commish’ oral magic leaves the BGA spellbound. His Jedi
mouth tricks have been honed by years of slinging rubber to soccer moms as he quips
about greasing their ball bearings, watching them blush and hand over credit cards without
bothering to look at the bill. The Elvis was made for Fancy and he knows it. He loves
Donald Ross and the Biltmore just as the King loved buffets and hard drugs. Like Elvis and
his #1 hits, Al Peña owns the BGA record books and he isn’t afraid to tell you about it. What
can we expect from this Icon as he transitions from issuer of edicts to tournament host? If
he hosts anything like he ruled, the BGA is likely to witness a level of Elvis never before
seen. When you arrive at the Biltmore and notice a white guy wearing a Kangol hat talking
to Steve about what a striking hairstyle he has, take the opportunity to thank him for his
years of dedicated service. Congratulate him on becoming one of the BGA’s elite hosts,
then ask him a question, any question, and let the smoke bath wash over you. What you
just witnessed would be the Boggs Golf Association. Your welcome.
Particulars
1501 Indian Rocks Rd
Belleair, FL 33756
Phone (727) 581-5498
Tee Time
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 11:02am
Tournament Wager
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - $10
Skins
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - $10
Wade-in
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - $1
Hole-in-1 Pot
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - $1
Tees
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - White
Ballwashing
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Substantial
Side Action
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Encouraged
Trophy
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Elvis
The BGA Horse Race
“My Blue Suede Shoes” to Be Jockeyed
by Fancy as he looks to claim the Elvis
Race Day Program
Rules: Pick the number
of quota points the horse
will score in this event.
The winning guess(es) will
receive all of the money in
the pool. In the event no
one wins, the house
(brass) keeps a portion
and rolls the rest into a
pot for the following
event.
Last 5
Rounds
28
23
14
29
24
Last 5
Elvis
30
31
24
22
21
Wager: Each guess costs
$5. There is no limit on
the number of bets you
may place. Please see the
Chambish to place your
wagers before the round.
Race Horse Statistics:
Fancy’s last 5 rounds and
last 5 Elvis rounds are on
the left.
Happy gambling &
Good Luck!