mr. happy magazine

MR. HAPPY
MAGAZINE
AUGUST 2013
#3
NEW NAMES BY NED PETRIE
THIS IS NOW THIS
New Year’s Day.........................................................................................................................New Year’s Eve
Groundhog Day..................................................................................................Día De La Marmota! (Olé)
Valentine’s Day..................................................................................................................................L.-ve Day
Daylight Savings.............................................................................................................Nightdark Wastings
St. Patrick’s Day............Marginalize-Those-With-Irish-Heritage-By-Mocking-Their-Stereotypes Day
April Fool’s Day..............................................................................................................................Derp Dayp
Earth Day.......................................................................................................................................Shark Week
Memorial Day (US)............................................................................Veterans Day: Chicken Picnic Fever
Canada Day (Canada).........................................................................................Canadian 4th Of July Day
Independence Day (US)...........................................................’Splosion-Fest 20__ (insert year annually)
Labour Day.....................................................................................................................................Shart Week
Thanksgiving (US / Canada)....................................................................................Murder Day (Turkeys)
Halloween...............................................Let’s-All-Eat-Candy-Corn© Day Sponsored By Candy Corn©
Veterans Day (US)/Remembrance Day (Canada)............................Veterans Day II: Electric Boogaloo
Christmas................................................................................................The Feast Of St. Jesus The Blessed
Boxing Day.................................................................................The Feast Of Sonny Liston The Terrifying
New Year’s Eve................................................Old Year’s Death Celebration 20__ (insert year annually)
Childhood Memories By Matt McCready
I was a lonely child. I had plenty of siblings
but they were all older than me. They never
talked to me.
One of my earliest memories was sitting on
our well. I couldn’t have been more than
four years old. Mom would approach and
say, gently and jokingly, ‘Why don’t you just
push back and fall into the well? See what
happens?’ Sometimes as she’d gently tickle
my feet I’d be scared I’d lose my balance.
I kept returning because that was the only
attention I ever got from her. Or anybody.
Even though it was terrifying at least I was
connecting with someone.
That’s what I used to think, eventually I realized I just wanted to be closer to my brothers and sisters.
“Life” - Greg Roberts
Life is short, and I think it really
resents it and takes it out on a lot of
people.
MAGICIAN’S OLYMPICS
by Marcel St. Pierre
FADE IN:
INT. OLYMPIC-TYPE TRACK DAY
We see 3 Magicians standing at a
starting line, warming up. They
are BARTOK THE NECROMANCER, CHRIS ANGEL, and DAVID
BLAINE.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And here we are in day 3 of the
‘Walking Through Things’ event
of the First Annual Magician’s
Olympics. We’ve got THREE of the
best here, vying to be the FIRST
EVER magician to actually WALK
through solid Plexiglas doors.
Camera finds the solid Plexiglas
doors in the middle of the track,
being looked and measured by officials while being windexed by a
janitor.
The camera finds DAVID BLAINE,
concentrating and meditating.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
There’s David Blaine, channeling all
his powers, ready to go the distance
today. Wonder what he’s thinking?
Probably something like ‘I hope I
can make it through that Plexiglas’
or something like that.
Camera finds CHRIS ANGEL, acting freaky, gesticulating weirdly.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And there’s Chris Angel, Mind
Freak. No idea what he’s doing.
Spooky little guy, really. Must be
pretty lonely.
Camera finds BARTOK THE NECROMANCER, looking suspiciously
side to side, then he starts digging
up his sleeve.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And Bartok the Necromancer... he
seems to be summoning something
or other. Not sure what the judges
will say to that. Is this allowed? A
demon, maybe? Or maybe a door
to another dimension?
BARTOK slides a sandwich out of
his sleeve and takes a bite.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
No, it’s a sandwich. Just a sandwich. Okay, we’re about to hear the
starter’s pistol.
An OFFICIAL raises and fires a
starter’s pistol. The magicians begin
walking abreast, heading directly
towards the large Plexiglas doors.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And they’re off. Can they do it?
Will any one of these 2 really famous magicians or that other one
actually be the first magician to
walk through Plexiglas?
All 3 Magicians hit the Plexiglas
doors simultaneously and fall to the
ground, unconscious.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Okay, yes... yes? Yes? Yes? no? No...
no. No, it doesn’t look like anybody’s gotten through... maybe if
we take a look at the instant re- Wait, there seems to be some sort
of commotion on the floor...
Camera finds DANIEL RADCLIFFE AS HARRY POTTER
running down the track towards
the door, yelling and hollering all
the way.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
I don’t believe this, folks. It looks
like actor Daniel Radcliffe dressed
as Harry Potter has crashed the
event! Not even invited and not
even a real magician, but that
doesn’t seem to be slowing him
down in the least! Is it possible that
he just might take this title and be
the first magician ever to walk nay, run - through solid Plexiglas?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE bounces
solidly off the Plexiglas door and
falls down on top of the other magicians. A beat.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Okay, yes... yes? Yes? No? No? No.
FADE TO BLACK.
Things We Share
By Yitzi Gal
There are certain people that we associate with a specific place and time, and seeing them anywhere else can
be seriously off putting. For example, imagine seeing your regular bartender on public transit for the first time.
We like to think that these people exist only when we see them and then disappear as soon as we leave. Consider your teachers. There is just something strange about seeing your teacher, your symbol of authority and
order, removed from their natural habitat, the classroom. For me, the moment hit home the hardest when I
saw my grade 4 teacher, out in the park during broad daylight, masturbating furiously while stabbing a hobo.
Childhood Memories
By Matt McCready
My cat Max liked to run around. I
liked to chase him. I loved Max.
One day I ran he ran into the lower
basement and I followed. I rarely entered the lower basement. I noticed
my Dad’s old punching bag lying on
the ground in the corner.
My Dad left the family two years
earlier.
In the opposite corner sat a man I
didn’t recognize. I was an inquisitive
child, not a fearful one. I was twelve.
“Who are you?” I asked
“Grenitch” he replied
“Why are you here?”
“To teach you to box.”
GOOD COP, LATE COP Written By: Kevin Matviw
SIDDOWN, Perp!! Yeah, enjoy your orange crush while you
can. You’ve had it easy for now,
but SOON you’re gonna be in a
WORLD OF HURT! You see this
watch? According to this watch
your time as a free man is TICKING AWAY. Also, mine says 9:17.
What does yours say? What? No
reason!
Yeah, lemme tell ya, perp: where
you’re going life is gonna be REAL
different. The slam of cell doors
will be your lullaby and you’ll only
be able to make ONE PHONE
Grenitch spent the next hour teaching me every possible boxing exercise. I was grateful, I wanted to thank
him.
“Trust me, just being here’ he replied,
‘the shelter. The food. That’s all I
could ask for.”
I heard my Mom calling me for dinner so I ran upstairs.
Finishing my meal I realized that
while Grenitch’s shelter was provided, he didn’t receive any of the
food he wanted. I snuck food in my
hankerchief, and went back to the
lower basement. He was gone and
the punching back was hung up again
over the exposed pipe.
I never saw Grenitch again. I never
saw Max either.
CALL to let someone know where
you are! And I suggest you make it
perp, because anything less is JUST
INCONSIDERATE.
What’s that? You think I want to
spend all my time in interrogation
room 401 ON MY OWN squeezing a confession out of some punk
named HUGO SANCHEZ all day?
I gotta hand it to ya, perp! You
guys ran a well oiled operation,
What?
with everyone where they said they
would be at the time they said they Okay, then who ARE you?
would be there, which must be nice.
What? Nothing. Shaddap!
This is room 402?
Oh, sure! Keep lying! Sooner or
later perp, the truth is gonna come
crashing in here like a SLEDGE
HAMMER, or a guy walking
through that door with a REASONABLE EXPLANATION!
(Blinks rapidly)
.... I’m supposed to be somewhere.
(He calmly walks out the door and
then sprints down the hall).
Ask Drask!—Everybody in the
Club Gettin’ TIPS(y)! By John Amir
After a string of lawsuits and what we feel to be a
vastly-overgenerous court settlement, the editors
are proud to announce the return of Linessa Drask,
our heroic 2-time ex-Canadian Volleyball Olympic hopeful and our current unpaid PR intern! As
the year progresses, we will be placing Linessa in a
variety of uncomfortable and/or excessively dangerous locations, and throwing your toughest life’s
problems at this super-positive, 22-year-old mind!
if he is, like, I just think the world works in… in mysterious ways, you know? So don’t even worry about it?
Haha! And girl, I’m sorry but I gotta ask—what
is up with your vocab? I mean, like, come on, Other
Woman: “healthy intercourse on a semi-weekly basis?”
Like, I swear that could come from something like…
like a psylo...psychology textbook from like, the 1950s.
You know? Know what I mean? ‘Cuz listen, like, if you
just loosen up a little bit, you’d be so beautiful. No, I
mean it. I really like your dress. I mean it. I totally mean
it. So just, like, relax and enjOH MY GOD, SHUT UP.
SHUT. UP. This is my song. I’m sorry, but this is my
song. I gotta dance. I’ll be back. Don’t go anywhere.
Watch my drink.
This week, the editors have placed Linessa on the
main floor of Spin Doctor—the hottest nightclub on
Dear Drask,
Adelaide West! Ask away, folks!
Dear Drask,
I’ve been an O.R. Nurse for the past twelve
years, but I’m definitely new to being a father! I recently switched to a night shift at the hospital so that I could
stay at home and monitor the kids while the missus is
at her day job, but—surprise, surprise—my little pride
and joy won’t adhere to his father’s sleep schedule! As
a result, I’ve been downing coffee and trying to scrape
by with as little as 2 hours of sleep a night, but I’m not
sure how long I can keep this up—my jittery coffeehands are starting to affect my nursing skills! Do you
have any tips for this drained dad?
I really never took these advice column things
seriously in the past, but I don’t know where else to
turn! My husband and I are a perfectly normal couple,
and like most couples, we engage in regular, healthy
intercourse on a semi-weekly basis. He’s always been a
kind and caring lover, but recently I’ve noticed that he
has started saying another woman’s name! I’m afraid to
bring this up to him because in every other way, I feel
like my marriage is perfect. He has no idea he’s doing
it. Is he cheating on me? Am I reading too much into
this? Help!
–Not the Other Woman, Barrie, ON
Dear Other Woman,
Woooooooooo! Party! PartAY! Whassup! Now
THIS is more like it! I mean, this is what I bust my ass all
semester for, know what I’m sayin’? Girl’s. Night. Out.
Hit me! Whoo! Nice hi-five, Other Woman! You killed
that slap! But, like, hey, Other Woman, listen. Listen.
You listening? Good. Just listen. You just gotta relax!
I mean, what’s the point of worrying about what your
hubby’s doing in his spare time? This is YOUR time!
Know what I mean? It’s kinda like with me and Jeff,
you know? ‘Cuz like, Jeff just understands me. Like, in
a totally visceral way. You know? And I know he’s with
Erica right now, even though she’s like, totally riddled
with crabs and whatever, but I mean, that’s a temporary
thing. Just watch. That’s totally temporary. He’ll like,
spend like, two weekends with her, and he—he’s gonna
come crawling to me. Just wait. And that’s what’ll happen with you, okay? I mean, you don’t even know if
this guy’s cheating on you, or what. And, I mean, even
--Way Too Wired, Toronto, ON
Dear Way Too,
NO I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT! THAT
IS DISGUSTING! Ugh. Sorry. Where’s security? Like,
can someone tell this CREEP that I am not going to
FOLLOW HIM to the bathroom? Seriously, get lost!
Ugh. Men. But oh my God, Way Too, you’re a new
dad? That is sooo adorable. That is seriously so amazing. I’m so happy for you. Like, you have no ide—I
SAID GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! WHAT
PART OF THAT CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND?!
Sorry. He’s gone. Thank God. Ugh. Can you believe that? It’s like some people—some people have no
self-control. It’s like when Jeff was at Melissa’s party
last week, and I was like, God, get your hands off him,
you know what I mean? Like, it’s kinda like that. Because she’ll like, get with anyone when she’s had a few
drinks. Even though she knows that I like him. I mean,
seriously. She needs to keep it in her pants. That is not
classy.
Oh my God, sorry. You were saying? Oh, that’s
right! You have a little boy! Awwww. Can I see a picture of him? Like, do you have one on your phone?
Oh my God, he has your eyes! He’s so cute! You’re so
lucky, Way Too. Like, you should just take a moment
to realize how lucky you are. Because—and, I mean, I
know I’m a little drunk, but I mean this—having a kid,
like, is probably the greatest thing that ever happens to
you, you know? And I think we, like, as a society, just
don’t take the time toHOLY SHIT, LADY, DID YOU
SERIOUSLY JUST THROW UP ON ME?! Ew ew ew
ew ew sorry, Way Too. I gotta go wash this off. Ew ew
ew ew ew…
On second thought, don’t take Tom out to a restaurant
and do that, Wrong Stud—that is a shitty thing to do to
someone. Have some consideration.
Ugh! And I can’t believe Jeff, either! Like, I
totally thought we had something! Right? I mean, you
sensed that too, right? From what I told you about
him? Ugh. Whatever. I’m just gonna keep drinking, I
guess. Nothing else to do but just hook up with some
guy here. Just a string of meaningless, casual… uh…
actually, you know what? You know what? Screw Jeff.
That sounds like fun. Yeah. I’m just gonna hook up
with someone here. I mean, I’m young, right? I have
my whole life ahead of me. And honestly? Like, if I’m
Dear Drask,
really honest, I’m way too busy for a relationship right
now. And you know, some of the guys here are… Yeah.
I’m a big HGTV fan, so when my cousin Tom Yeah! That sounds fun! Like, seriously, screw Jeff—
offered me a deal to go in together on flipping a house, it’s his loss, right? You with me? Come on, Wrong
I pounced on the opportunity! Unfortunately, what Stud, you in this thing? Let’s get KRUNK! Let’s DO
Tom has in good looks and charm, he lacks in initia- it! Hell yeah! Girl’s night out! I’m just gonna grab our
tive. I’ve now been the sole person to show up to de- drinks and go out to the WHAT THE HELL DID YOU
molish the second level for the past week, while Tom’s JUST PUT IN MY DRINK?! HEY!! YOU!! WHAT
been cruising the beach, impressing his lady friends by WAS THAT?! OH MY GOD. DID YOU THINK I
showing them pictures of my hard work! I know he’s WOULDN’T SEE THAT?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH
family, but how do I tell this Casanova to pull his share YOU?! SECURITY! SEC—yeah, you BETTER run.
of the load?
No. Nope. You know what? Fuck it. We are out of
here. We are so out of here. I can’t believe I thought
--Found the Wrong Stud, Etobicoke, ON
this would be a fun night. Come on, Wrong Stud. Grab
your coat.
Dear Wrong Stud,
Fuck this place.
That. Was. Disgusting. I swear, I am so sober right now. This is ridiculous. What the hell is wrong
Linessa or a similar, less-jaded replacement intern will
with this bar?
be back in the future to answer more of your questions!
Anyways, Wrong Stud, just… I dunno. Just
tell him or something. Like, stop beating around the
In the past, dinosaurs built a spaceship to leave
bush. He needs to help you out. Sorry, I know that’s not
earth and avoid extinction. Soon they’ll come back
that helpful, but honestly? I just got a text from Jeff in
and reclaim their land, but not before an intense
the bathroom, and I am really not in the mood for this
game of tetherball.
whole advice thing. Yeah, because apparently Melissa
[GOOD OLD FUN] - Paul Aihoshi
“accidentally” told him I like him, and so now he’s
saying “we should talk” on Monday. Honestly. Like,
actually those words, “We should talk.” Fuck my life.
ICEBERG by Matt McCready
Sorry. This is about you. I’m so sorry. I am really messing this up. Look, Wrong Stud, if you want to
find a way to let this Tom guy know he’s messing up,
maybe ask him to meet you somewhere, and just spell
it out simply. I mean, let him know gently that you’re
just not… uh… wow. Oh my God. That is exactly what
Jeff is gonna do to me, isn’t it? That’s what’s gonna
happen to me on Monday. I can’t believe this! Damn
it! I can’t believe that slut told him! You know what?
Sometimes when I feel like I need to poo, I actually feel
like I’m going to die.
Sometimes I wonder if my poo has taken sentient life and
is telepathically trying to communicate with me. Telling
me not to go to the bathroom.
Either way, I’ve got to find a way off of this boat or I’m
going to drown.
Childhood Memories By Matt McCready
I was at the park alone with my friend Matt Hunt.
My name is Matt too.
He was my next door neighbor. We didn’t go to the
same school because he was in the gifted program, but
we were best friends all throughout summer.
One Sunday afternoon we went to the park and played
in the old public swing set that was built in the seventies. There was a fifteen foot tall orange, plastic cylinder slide that some teenagers ripped out of the swingset lying in the forest by the side of the park. Mark and
I investigated. We liked investigating.
It was lying upright next to a tree, planted firmly in
the ground. We wanted to see what was inside so we
climbed the tree and sat on a branch. We looked down
Life Imitating Life
By Yitzi Gal
In a rare case of serendipity, no one at the national
pogo championships was declared a winner.
Terrible Children’s Poems That
Are Not Recommended for Children
By Theolonious P Taylor
1. Inky Dinky Winky Round The Clock
Inky Dinky Winky Round the Clock
A young woman danced about, not even wearing a
smock
She went to the pantry to get some jam
And found an old pair of panties stuffed with ham
Then she went Inky Dinky Winky Round the Clock
2. Banana Man
Banana Man doesn’t play
Banana Man doesn’t stay
Banana Man doesn’t come round this way,
Ever since he was incarcerated for drunk and disorderly behaviour at a baseball game
3. Gerald Has No Face
Gerald has no face
But it isn’t such a disgrace
As when he was durst
To eat bratwurst
By sticking it up the other place
into total darkness. It was impossible to see what was
inside.
Matt wanted to take a closer look. Leaning over he
lost his balance and fell face first into the slide. He
screamed. He said he was hurt. He said there were
spiders everywhere. He needed help.
I ran home to tell my Mom what happened. She was
reading a book as I burst into her room.
“What’s wrong?” she asked
I couldn’t say anything. I was so worried about getting in trouble. I meekly said ‘Nothing.’ And went to
my room. I cried myself to sleep, with his shrieks of
‘They’re on my face!’ haunting my dreams.
It took the police three days to find him.
Ten years later, Matt Hunt ended up becoming SpiderMan.
“Be careful what you wish for” - Greg Roberts
When you wish upon a star, be careful because
I bet a lot of genies really hate losing out on that
work.
4. The Silly Old Man Of Ballyleague
The Silly Old Man Of Ballyleague
Picked a flower for old Miss Teague
And brought it to her right away
Forgetting that she’d been kilt in the rising o 17-and98 by the hated English,
So instead he sat in a ditch flatulating and eating
mushrooms all day
5. My Uncle’s Horse and Buggy
My uncle’s horse and buggy is a lot of fun to ride in
Any other form of transport I deride in
We love to go bumping over road and rail
While my uncle drinks many a pint of ale
Then we go dashing through the town
As many kith and kin are mercilessly mowed down
6. I’ll Give a Shiny Brass Farthing to
the Next Handsome Young Boy Who
Let’s Me Videotape Him in My Van
(Note from The Editors: While we at Mr. Happy
Magazine are whole-heartedly opposed to censorship and believe strongly in giving our contributors a
free hand, we simply could not allow this last poem to
be published as it is exceptionally vile and it not-sosubtly endorses pedophilia. Rest assured we have
contacted the authorities and it is unlikely that Mr.
Taylor will contribute in the future, pending his court
ordered psychiatric sessions.)
Theatre of the Oppressed
By Yitzi Gal
The young lady at the front wanted a ticket, and then proceeded to demand that I purchase said ticket. When I
explained to her how we could be much more efficient if she would just lose her unreasonable desire for the measly ticket in the first place, she did not take it well. In related news, I will no longer be reviewing movies but will
continue loudly reviewing strangers on the street to anyone who will listen. 2 Stars.
Prop Comedy with No Props
By Kevin Matviw
Uh oh! It’s raining cats and dogs!
Hey, hey, hey guys! I’m Apple
Butt, the world’s most famous
no-prop prop comic! You guys
wanna not see some stuff? I
got stuff to not show you guys!
Check it out!
An old lady’S license plate if the
old lady was my GIRLFRIEND
and it was on the back of the
Batmobile! Yeesh!
This is a hanger for a short person!
This is a hangar for a wide person!
Anyone need a camping belt?
A sandwich for a guy that’s
diagonal!
Here’s my GIRLFRIEND’S
camping belt! Yeesh!
A sandwich for a skinny guy!
Batman’s cell phone!
Batman’s cell phone, if it was
made by my GIRLFRIEND!
Yeesh!
An old lady’s license plate!
My girlfriend is an old lady!
My girlfriend is an old lady!
A sandwich for a guy who is an
octagon!
My girlfriend is 77 years old, I
met her at an old folk’s home
and her name is Beatrice!
Thanks, everybody! GOOD
NIGHT! Yeesh!
Childhood Memories By Matt McCready
At 13 years old, I had a horrible reoccurring dream every night. In the dream, my brother would be wrapped
in cellophane and suffocating. No matter how many
layers of the cellophane I would rip off, there would
still be more and he would eventually suffocate. Then
I’d wake up. Sometimes in tears. “Shane’, I’d ask myself, ‘why does this keep happening?”
It disturbed me to no end, so much so I was fearful of
even speaking about it out loud.
Every night the family would gather at the table, discuss our day, eat dinner, then retire to the family room
to watch Jeopardy on TV. Dad would sit at the head of
the table and regale us with stories from his work day.
He worked as a chiropractor.
One night I gathered up the courage to tell my Dad
about the dream I had. The table sat in stunned silence. Finally my Dad spoke.
‘Cellophane? More like Silly-Shane!’
The table erupted in uproarious laughter.
Craving understanding, I continued “Dad, it’s really
hard to...”
He cut me off.
“I said Silly-Shane!!!” he bellowed as he slammed his
fist against the table.
Later that night Ken Jennings set the record for most
money won on Jeopardy.
Childhood Memories By Matt McCready
Last week, it was my forth birthday party and all my
friends were there. But it was ruined. I didn’t talk to
my Dad. My Dad spends so much time working on his
ships in a bottle. My Dad has 50 ships.
I wish I could live in one of them. If I could do that
maybe my Dad would spend some time with me.
After talking to my friend Tom, who is great at science,
at school, we did a master plan to sneak inside and sail
on a ship. I picked my Dad’s favorite one. That’s where
he’d look first.
The plan would’ve worked if my Dad didn’t come in
after the bottle broke. I got all my nose in.
My Dad didn’t talk to me the whole ride to the hospital
or back. That night he just went into his office with the
broken bottle and still didn’t talk to me. I went back to
listen at the door hours later and all I could hear was
him quiet crying.
“This traumatic loss. This sorrowful regret spurned
from my loins. Conceived for reasons long since
forgotten. A ghastly replication of my own narcissism.
This seed I wrought, has brought, only loss.”
Plan over! Back to the drawing board.
“First Draft” - Greg Roberts
It was a dark and stormy night. No, that’s a
terrible way to start a book. The night was
dark and a storm was brewing. That’s even
worse! Come on, you can do this. You’re a
writer. As the storm rolled in and the moon
rose- oh god I can’t do this. I’m going to
business school.
WHEN I GET MARRIED by Paul Aihoshi
When I get married I’m going to live on an
island with two dogs and one hot wife. We’ll
have a giant tree house with an indoor pool,
a hot tub, six bathrooms with a bidet, one
amazing kitchen, a big screen TV, four bedrooms, a deck that looks out onto the ocean,
an elevator that runs down the trunk into
the basement, a dungeon, various weapon
for torture, seventeen Albanian slaves, ten
tortured Albanian dead bodies hung upside
down on the wall, a river of blood that runs
down to the underground roller-coaster!
After a four minute ride through a beautiful topical underworld, another dungeon,
seventeen more Albanian slaves, as much
pornography you can ask for, TOYS!, and a
lava pit for human sacrifice. All of which I’m
proud to say is covered in shag carpet. I can’t
wait!
An Eroctic Short Story
By Erin Pim
Every Thursday at 10:00pm,
I leave my door unlocked,
and wait here in the dark,
with my ass in the air.
I rent out an ad every week in the adult classifieds, stating the time
and my exact address, advertising a completely
anonymous and hassle-free
fuck. I describe that I’ll
be waiting in the darkness
of my bedroom, already
nude and bent over, ready
to take a dick. No foreplay
necessary; just come with a
boner, and find the hole. I
didn’t leave a phone number. I don’t want to talk to
them.
I’m using my vibrator on my clit, while on my
hands and knees, on my bed.
No one has come yet, after a
month of running the ads,
so I’m already buckling
down to have an orgasm
solo, while thinking about
a stranger actually coming in that door. I live in
a small one bedroom apartment, so one only needs to
walk through the living
room to enter my bedroom.
The idea that it might actually happen, and it playing out in my mind, is so
sexy to me, that I’ve given
myself some of the hardest orgasms I’ve ever had.
Did I ever expect anyone to
come? Maybe not; maybe I
just did it to fuel my masturbation fantasies. This
should be my last ad. It’s
becoming an expensive hob- me, either for my pleasure,
by.
or to moisten the head of
his dick. I lean my hips
Just then, a sound. back, silently begging him
I dismiss it as a trick of to put it in. He does; in
the mind, as I am imagining one easy thrust. I let out
it so vividly now, I can al- a long exhale, but bite my
most hear the turn of the tongue not to make any
door handle. No, a click, noise. I don’t want him to
then the slow whine of the hear me; I just want to be
door. Oh, my fucking God. a disembodied pussy for
I turn off the vibe, and him to fuck. Only now does
listen. A couple tentative he touch me, grabbing my
steps on my moaning wood hips to pull me against
floor.
I am frightened him.
His cock slides so
stiff; not moving a muscle. perfectly in and out of me,
I think now, what if it’s a I find myself clamping my
robber? Someone who wants mouth shut to stay silent.
to hurt me? Stupid! Stupid! He selfishly fucks me exI’ve really done it now. I actly like I want him to;
hear him (I can only as- to go at his own rhythm,
sume) pawing around with to go at the pace his dick
his hands on the walls, needs, without any thought
the yawning steps getting for the other body at the
closer. Then he stops, per- end of it.
He holds my
haps at the entrance to my hips, thrusting me over his
bedroom. I work up enough cock, jerking himself off
courage to turn my head with me; I may as well be
towards the door.
I can his own hand. He fucks me
see the faintest outline at an steady medium pace;
in the dark, a hulking, blowing my mind with a demasculine figure; at least sire for him to go faster,
I was right about some- harder; I bury my face into
thing. Then, a zip; a fly. the pillow. Even as he apI gasp. A pause, followed proaches orgasm, he doesn’t
by the buzz of me turning speed up; perhaps even
my vibe back on. Two steps, thrusting slightly slower,
and he’s right behind me. I feel his body jerk and
I can feel the warmth com- spasm against me, shooting
ing off of his skin. He his hot load inside me.
doesn’t grope my body like
I expected, not even to feel After a moment of
his way around, but imme- recovery, he zips up, and
diately lets the tip of his walks out the door, in comcock find the moisture com- plete silence.
ing from my pussy. I don’t
think I’ve ever been this
wet in my entire life. He
circles his cock around my
pussy, rubbing it against
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