Jokerville, Colorado - This is the San Juan Horseshoe

Transcription

spring 2009
RIVETING!
Semi-Annual Naughty French
Postcard Issue
Jokerville,
Colorado
Artwork by Laura Elm
Page 2 • san Juan Horseshoe • spring 2009
We have a large selection of new
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Front-wheel drives,
four-wheel-drives, all-wheel-drives
to welcome the warmer weather.
Worth the drive from
wherever you are
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750 east Highway 92 • Delta • 874-4444
Your Destination Automobile Dealer
We re just a short drive
away in Gunnison -30 minutes south of
Crested Butte
and
50 minutes west of
Monarch Mountain
34 Majors and Minors,
Including:
¥Biology
¥Business
¥Computer Information Science
¥Environmental Studies
¥Geology
¥Outdoor Leadership and
Resort Management
¥Professional Land and
Resource Management
More Than 50 Student
Activities, Including:
¥Wilderness Pursuits
¥Mountain Rescue Team
Family Owned
Since 1969
Crested Butte’s
Friendly Little Lodge
Hot Tub • Jacuzzi • Continental Breakfast
Color Cable TV • Fireplace
P.O. Box 939, Crested Butte, Colorado 81224
349-5542 • www.nordicinncb.com
spring 2009 • san Juan Horseshoe • Page 3
The Oval
Office at the
White
House has
changed
since
Barrack
Obama took
over in
January. A
more
relaxed vibe
is evident,
the
President’s
children
visit and a
large map
of Texas
has been
replaced
with an
even larger
map of the
world.
(Mel Toole
Photo)
Traffic Report
Ice and animals expected on the road since
it is winter and all.
Drivers going too fast. Drivers going too slow.
Cops hiding everywhere giving tickets
to stimulate their economy.
Peak hour congestion on asphalt built
for 1965 population.
Eat Pasta
Ski Fasta!
Fine Italian Cuisine - Dinner 5:30 nightly
Happy Hours
5-6 pm &
8-9 pm
g:
Featurin
grown
locally
e-free
hormon
steaks
open
5 pm - late
209 elk
Crested Butte
349-5257
“Hand me my walkin’ stick and hand me my gold
watch and chain.”
- From some blues song or another
Mob Offers Collection Seminar
(Crested Butte) A three-hour seminar relating to collection techniques and hands-on debt relief will be
presented by visiting hoodlums as part of Mafia Ski
Week scheduled for the last week in March.
Conducted by experienced collectors, the presentation
will introduce such dubious methods as intimidation,
destruction of property and garnishment.
The carefully chosen panel features some 200
years of combined debt retrieval experience at all levels of collective bargaining.
“What is crucial here is to convince the deadbeat
that he must prioritize his liability or face punitive
action,” said one debt expert who petitioned anonymity. “We are not concerned with how many people are
owed only that a specific client is owed. We are not
the bank or the credit bureau and we will teach those
in attendance to focus as a more direct, one-dimensional entity, one that doesn’t send out bills.
The multi-layered approach to debits and balance
sheets, although often extreme, has been documented
to be 98% effective according to shadow groups
engaged in implementation of traditional means of collection.
“Our success rate speaks for itself,” said the seminar source. “Sure our methods are crude but the bottom line is always in view. Sometimes intense measures are necessary to get the attention of the irresponsible.”
Mafia Ski Week, although not sanctioned by any
particular group, is seen as a “reasonable substitute for
Ski Naked and Free Ski programs that have failed to
produce needed revenue for the town” according to
unreliable sources on the Mountain.
The concentrated program costs $150. Interested
parties are encouraged to pay up front.
- Susie Compost
Forest Service Selling Signs
(Montrose) The United States Forest Service is holding its annual firewood sale now that winter is
almost over. The agency is slated to replace over 1.3
Fresh
Soups,
Sandwiches
&
Muffins
million signs prohibiting an assortment of actions
within the confines of national forests. The wellcured signs come only from Western Colorado.
Interested parties can purchase the signs/firewood on Saturdays throughout the spring. A full
pickup load will cost approximately $10.
“This is some excellent fire starter,” said Melvin
Toole of the USFS. “It’s nice and dry from sitting in
the sun and splits quite easily. Buyers are urged not
to use the signs for summer barbecues since the oil
based paint may taint foods.”
It is estimated that the federal agency owns some
60 million signs that are often displayed everywhere
from toilets to wilderness areas. It is not known how
many signs the state of Colorado is currently using
but more than 90% of them contain the word No
clearly emblazoned on their surface.
“The signs are meant for human digestion since
it has become clear to us that wild animals cannot or
will not learn to read,” said Toole.
For further information, please call the USFS.
Offering a wide selection of organic
groceries including:
Produce, coffee, dairy, frozen foods
Located in the Heart of Downtown Crested Butte
at
405 4th St.
349-5132 ¥ 8a.-8 pm,
“He would insult a king to make a beggar laugh.”
- Chico Marx
regarding his brother Groucho.
One third of
deceased roll over
in graves
(Chicago) More than 30% of persons buried in over
1000 cemeteries across the country roll over in their
graves at least once a year. According to a contingent
of funeral directors and graveyard personnel, the habit
or practice of rolling is not always due to what’s
going on upstairs.
“We think of the deceased as reacting to a situation in our world but often the rolling is simply an
attempt to get more comfortable or to readjust focus.
Cynics suggest that the entire matter is ridiculous
and that when a person is dead he can no longer
move.
“That’s what I thought before I started working in
the field,” said Abe Teller, director of maintenance at
Elysian Acres on Lake Michigan. “Some nights we
can actually listen to the activity which, although subtle, is detectable to the trained ear.”
Teller went on to say that some gravestones actually shake and that the dirt is unsettled while other
rolls are slight and leave no evidence of a shift.
The old expression referring to rolling over in the
grave has been in use for centuries and is generally
employed to describe response to a contrary action
that occurs on earth after the deceased is buried. In
the case of cremation these episodes have never been
documented.
“This place gets noisy on the weekends,” according to Teller, “especially after visits from loved ones
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rested Butte
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349-1064 • Crested Butte
LADIES’ NIGHT IS
WEDNESDAY
(cheap drinks)
Comedy & Drama Nightly
New this winter:
our
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8
3
CLEAN
RESTROOMS
Talk
the
of
the
Town
Peace in our time?
100-Year Tango War
(Montevideo) Argentina and Uruguay have signed a
final armistice ending a century-old fight over who
created the Tango. In terminating hostilities, both
sides have agreed to drop charges of cultural appropriation against each other.
Since the later 1800s, the two countries have been
battling over the origin of the heady music and the
passionate dance. Argentina claims the Tango began in
the slums of Boca with the arrival of Italian immigrants, while Uruguay has always claimed that the
original music was composed by a Uruguayan in
Montevideo at about the same time.
“We have been at odds for two and three generations,” said Horacio Cabralia, of Buenos Aires. Now
these days of acrimony appear to be behind us.
Pillar DeSilva, a world champion tango artist from
Rocha, says that despite lingering doubts it is time for
the two nations to come together.
“It takes two to tango,” she smiled.
The action comes as part of an attempt by both
sides to preserve the original elements of the dance.
Variations have cropped up to due to the increased
popularity of the tango all over the world.
Both Uruguay and Argentina have co-petitioned
UNESCO to grant the tango world heritage status.
Despite a placating tone both countries continue to
insist that tango great, Carlos Gardel is native to their
country. The Argentines say Gardel was born near
Rosario in 1890, while the Uruguayans contend that
his birthplace is in Tacuarembo, near the Brazilian
frontier. Still others say he was born in France and
was hiding out in South America to escape inscription
in World War I.
Gardel, the Elvis of Tango was killed in a plane
crash in Colombia in 1935 and a reported 200 female
fans all over the world committed suicide when hearing the news.
Crested Butte Nips
Not Smokin’ After 20 Years!
3rd & Elk • Downtown Crested Butte
349-6809
“How would you like it if you were put outside if you
passed wind,or if you came home and found Fidel
Castro in your kitchen? What if you found out your
company CEO makes more money in bonuses than you
do working all year.”
- Leona Shields, well known banking diva
"I have not seen such a lovely place
to take a drink than here."
- Ulysses S. Grant in Gothic, Colorado 1866
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Located at the Ski Area Evergreen Condo Building
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970.349.7516
Town Clamps Down on Sneezing
(maroon avenue) an obscure health regulation banning
sneezing in public places has been exhumed in an
attempt to control the spread of the common cold here
this winter. the law, still on the books since last
march, makes sneezing within three feet of another person a crime.
each winter a plethora of viruses and other germs
invade the resort town housed in the systems of out-oftown guests. local residents cannot fight off such a
variety of diseases and do not usually possess a strong
enough immune system to stay healthy all winter.
local physicians have joined town leaders in establishing safe zones in which to legally let go of a
sneeze. (For a list of these locations, visitors are asked
to please read the small print on winter parking signs.)
Buses and bars have been declared exempt from fines
usually levied on the spot for infractions.
“What people do in the privacy of their own houses
and cars is their business until they open the door,” said
one enforcer, “then it’s our baby.”
the officer went on to say that the closure of the
town’s only movie theater had nothing to do general
health concerns.
opponents of the measure say the move may threaten continued tourism while most locals feel the need for
some sort of protection.
“We are at the mercy of contagious diseases,” said
one practicing physician. “We all know not to shake
hands with sniffling strangers, hang out in hospital
waiting rooms or drink out of the same glass with people who have typhoid fever, but these invisible embryos
of infirmity are everywhere. they choose their victims
at random and are merciless in their pursuit of potential
carriers.“
Funds collected from what is still classified as an
aggravated misdemeanor will be used to purchase exotic
whiskies, recognized by the medical community as the
only known remedy for the common cold.
Fortified Snow Perfected
(Jokerville) scientists here have announced that after
years of experimentation they have created the first-ever
samples of genetically fortified snow. measured in feet
rather than inches, they say the long sought after frozen
particles are sure to change winter as we know it.
strengthened in part due to the introduction of rare
enzymes at freezing point and the application of stemcell sharing technologies throughout the harrowing
meltdown process, the translucent ice crystals, suddenly
energized by unnatural acts, may soon take the stage as
the earth’s newest element. Futurists say the fortified
snow will in no way replace the more abundant subbituminous snow because it is more expensive to produce.
according to a statement released Friday scientists
admit that the new substance will only be enjoyed by a
privileged few. though synthetic in make-up the snow
Council hopes to curb
wildflower fracas
(Irwin) Combined councils today announced plans to quell
violence at the upcoming Crested Butte Wildflower festival
slated for July. In past years the celebration has been
plagued with fistfights and assorted disturbances that one
would not generally associate with the appreciation of
botanical beauty.
Saying conflicts are simply a sign of the times, the
councilmembers voted unanimously to hire more security
personnel, limit the size of crowds, ban alcohol and videotape the comings and goings of suspicious-looking participants. The local lawmakers agreed that further, more
aggressive steps might need to be taken so as not to ruin a
good thing.
“We must protect the integrity of our traditions,” said
one Irwin occupant, “or civilization will fall to the whims of
blooming thugs and rootless ruffians intent on creating a
colorless urban landscape in our time.
- Melvin Toole
For a related story turn to Hedgehogs, Endorphin Colonies
Worry C. B. School Board on Page 46
is organic, in a peripheral sense, and highly volatile.
its’ combustible, lightly alcoholic nature demands that
it be handled carefully.
“skiers and snowboarders will notice that it sticks
to the slopes and not to the bottom of their boards,”
said dr. efram Pennywhistle, who is credited breakthroughs in the field of laser snow removal and bacterial sewage treatment. “it also offers a longer shelf life
and can better comply with human infringement.”
in addition to these beneficial attributes the fortified
snow contains 90% of daily nutritional requirements as
published by the canadian government in exile and
mixes well with one’s favorite elixir.
“if there’s anyone who understands the intricacies
of healthy snow it’s them canadians,” said
Pennywhistle.
marchitelli’s
n o o d l e
g o u r m e t
dinner nightly
irresistibly italian
349-7401
411 3rd st. • downtown crested Butte
And now the news
HANDWORKS
Since
Fed Head Shrinking
Slammed by Physicians
(Ridgway) Local doctors here agree that a secret plan to shrink heads over at the Federal Reserve will due little to
stimulate the sluggish economy. The controversial approach, used by primitive tribes for centuries, sidesteps the
real reasons for the fiscal decline they say.
“Why would the government want to embrace such dark age policies when there are plenty of drugs to prescribe?” asked one doctor. “This leap into mirrors, charms and notions is ridiculous until we have exhausted pharmaceutical options,” she said. “Before we know it they’ll be pushing nutrition and a lot of other weird New Age
propaganda down our collective throats. Now open wide and cough.”
In undressing the core problem, some at the Federal Reserve, have suggested that greed, and not the common
cold are to blame for the crisis. Many have gone out on a limb and suggest that, in reality, only a few heads
would be reduced to get the attention of the masses.
“We realize shrinking heads is frightening and may seem a little extreme, but if the gov’ment thinks it will
work who are we, the American people to argue with the experts?” asked one Fed source, speaking on behalf of
his perceived constituency. “All these big heads have created the problem and now it’s time to downsize.”
The exact methodology to be employed in the head shrinking was not disclosed but insiders suggest that
bonus baby CEOs would go first.
Cheney, Bush Set Tee
Times at Hague
(Netherworld) George W. Bush and Dick Cheney have reportedly secured early tee times here so as to play a
round or two of golf during war crimes trials set for May. The two, accused in the deaths of millions of Iraqis,
will be tried for a variety of transgressions along with former and current leaders from Congo. Sudan, Serbia and
Israel.
The former president and vice-president had no comment of the proceedings but say that the greens are in
good shape and their short game has improved since leaving office in January. The two insist that they will carry
their own clubs despite rumors of terrorist activity on the back nine.
World Court sources say attorneys for Bush and Cheney requested that any litigation take place in the afternoon so that they can get in 18 holes while in the Netherlands. The two plan to travel to Nuremberg, Germany to
compete in a celebrity scramble over the weekend unless they are incarcerated.
1980 The greatest cards and gifts on earth.
aUpstairsa
Corner of 3rd & Elk Avenue
Downtown Crested Butte
970-349-6731
When it comes to eating in CB
there's just no substitute
for local harrassment.
Breakfast,
lunch and daily
specials
since the early
days of the
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Call ahead for same day service
Elk Ave. ¥ Crested Butte ¥ 349-6233
Mid-Town in the Company Store
Home of All-You-Can-Eat Butter
Mother Nature Completes Anger
Management Classes
(Delta) A clearly relaxed Mother Nature has successfully completed court-ordered anger management classes here
in record time leading even cynics to believe she has calmed down. The last few years have seen hurricanes,
drought and polar melt occurring at unprecedented rates leading to the mandatory sentence.
“We can’t tell if she has been rehabilitated or if she is just putting on a show,” said one emotions counselor
who says he enjoys thunderstorms.
Although on unsupervised parole, for the next two years Mother Nature will be granted full mobility and
access to former associates the wind and rain.
“It’s easy to see why she got angry in the first place,” said the counselor. “How would you like it if people
trashed your yard?”
Authorities are taking a wait and see approach to further legal action against the former defendant.
Classic CB Breakfasts
Chicago and Deli Sandwiches
Serving food until midnight • Open 7 am - 2 am
129 Elk Crested Butte 349-0236
Oil companies to bail
out auto industry
(Midland, TX) Top oil companies say they will rescue U.S. automakers by offering a 25 million-dollar bailout
scheme by the end of the week. The action, seen as good news by many on Wall Street, came as a surprise to lawmakers and auto executives facing staggering losses.
“We’ve been making a killing over the past few years and it’s time to share our good fortune with those less
privileged elements of society,” said Earl Pump, President of Exxon-Mobile. “Our profits are up and we can’t
reinvest everything.”
Energy watchdogs say the oil companies are eager to help the auto industry since without cars on the road
nobody would buy gasoline.
“It’s capitalism at its best,” said Pumpe. “Now let’s not have any more of this talk about alternative energy.”
Lights Out for Big Box Chains?
(Montrose) Every cloud must have a silver lining. The sluggish economy has forced the closure of many big box
outlets nationally, with many local chains feeling the strain.
This morning Sports Authority, Wal-Mart, Target, Home Depot, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Burger King, Kroger.
Safeway, Pet Smart, Applebees and Pizza Hut announced that they were closing up shop here and moving on to
greener pastures.
While the news received mixed reaction a majority of those polled will not be sorry to see these mass merchandisers leave town.
“Where will all the consumers go when their temples are boarded up?” asked one downtown merchant.
“Maybe they’ll realize that they don’t need all the junk these pirates offer them.”
The immediate problem centers on what to do with the skeletal edifices hastily constructed by these massive
corporations. According to a feature article in this month’s Vacant Lot Magazine, the abandoned buildings can
serve useful purposes for the community.
“In Iowa one town took possession of an abandoned Wal-Mart and turned it into an ice skating rink while a
Taco Bell on the West Coast became a senior citizen transportation office,” said the piece.
The article goes on explaining how a Pet Smart in Maryland was sold for scrap and how land, once covered in
asphalt, was reclaimed by farmers.
While city officials worry about lost tax revenues, social scientists see the development as a breakthrough for
humanity.
“Big box stores and chains bleed a community dry all the time in every locale,” explained one mental health
worker. “Our priorities have been all wrong. If we intend to get the country back on track, we must work for the
common good. I myself welcome the homeless shelter in what was once a Subway.”
Fashion for Ladies and Men
Vintage Clothing
Wigs | Tutus | Masks
Crazy Tights | Funky socks | Jewelry
BEHIND THE POST OFFICE
CRESTED BUTTE | 970-765-5686
INDOOR TOYS
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423 Belleview • Crested Butte
Local Barber Performs
Tedious Hair Transplant
(Crested Butte) Longtime hair stylist, Kathy Joyce, has
single-handedly performed the first successful hair
transplant in the East River Valley. The tenuous surgery was reportedly completed at 3 pm yesterday as an
out patient maneuver. According to an official statement from the Buzz barbershop everyone is doing fine.
The patient is happy and the six-hour operation
went according to plan according to a spokesperson
Sawat-dii
khun farang
Obama Names White
Recreation Director
Pan-Asian Cuisine
Late Night Menu
and Cocktails ‘til 11pm
425 Elk Ave. - Crested
Butte
Open 11am - 10pm ¥ 7
Days
Great
Food Fast
Full
Bar
for Joyce who is recovering in Monaco. Readers must
be reminded that hair transplants at high altitude are
seen as risky by most in the profession. Up until last
year, none were even attempted due to fears of scalp
shock and related maladies.
Many in the industry question the hair transplants
in light of what can only be called experimental follicle manipulation. In the past hairline fractures were an
almost certain result of these procedures.
After over a million haircuts one might think Joyce
(no direct relation to James Joyce) might be content to
sit back and focus on her accomplishments, but that is
not the case. As with all the great ones she continues
to embrace challenges often beyond her contemporaries. Already she has promised to pursue an almost
hopeless venue aimed at growing hair on a bowling
ball.
Lunch, Dinner &
late Night!
Burritos / tacos / wings / fish tacos / veggie
641-5777 ¥ 107 S. Main,
Gunnison
T HE PUCK
Enjoyi
ng
the
great
outdoors
TAKE A BREAK FROM
Breakfast,
Lunch &
Dinner
Steaks
Prime Rib
Chicken
Pasta
323 E. Tomichi ¥ Gunnison, CO
(Washington) President Barack Obama has named
Crested Butte socialite Jim White as his new Minister
of Recreation according to an Administration
spokesperson. Although final Senate confirmation is a
week off White expressed delight at the appointment
and said he was looking forward to working with
Obama despite the fact that he might have to move to
Washington.
The position, which, along with Minister of
Culture, was only recently created last week, seeks to
close the gap between government and taxpayers who
feel they get nothing for their money.
According to aides the new Recreation Minister
will implement a Crested Buttesque program to reward
citizens for time spent engaged in recreation. He will
also push for a three-day workweek if confirmed.
Obama was in town Thursday with his
Transportation Secretary to study the Mountain
Express bus system, which he called “the prototype of
effective mass transit in the 21st century.”
MT CB Innkeeper
Sues Estate
(Mt CB) Nordic Inn proprietor, Alan Cox, has
announced that he will sue the estate of the late Botsie
Spritzer over what turned out to be a fishy kielbasa
arrangement some thirty-five years ago. According to
the petitioner, he remains indignant over an investment
of forty dollars which returned nothing but two
sausages back in 1984.
“At first I figured it wasn’t worth pursuing but then
after twenty years I was still stewing over the whole
mess,” said Cox. “I don’t know about you, but I think
$40 for 2 kielbasas is kind of high.”
Cox admitted that the kielbasa was of high quality
and that a specific quantity of the sausage had not
been determined at the time of the incident.
Nonetheless, he insists that he was shorted about 12 to
15 kielbasas by the Little Captain, a name Spritzer
used for himself and most everyone when he lived in
Crested Butte.
Don Mills, executor of the estate and nephew of
the sausage maker, told The Horseshoe that he is confident the matter will be settled out of court.
“Alan is a reasonable man. I’m sure we can come
to some kind of agreement and put this matter to rest,”
said Mills.
For decades, Spritzer turned out some of the finest
kielbasa in the state despite the fact that he was known
for eating Chinese food out of a can.
- Fred Zeppelin
Chamber Prepares for
Mayan Celebration
(Crested Butte) According to the ancient Mayan
Calendar the end of the world is scheduled for 2012
and the Crested Butte Chamber to kick it up a notch in
coordination with the event. Although the exact date
has not been determined a parade, music in the streets
and a sequestered art show will highlight the weekend.
Call the chamber for more information.
Local foundry to fashion Bush statue
(Crested Butte) Kebler Foundry has been commissioned to cast the official George W. Bush presidenitems
tial statue. The local foundry won out over some 50
other entities in highly competitive bidding war that
began January 21. The sculpture, made entirely of
molybdenum, is slated for completion by summer.
The final work, depicting a victorious Bush looking to the heavens, is projected to be ten feet tall and
weigh some 4 tons. It was initially commissioned to
be displayed in the Baghdad’s Green Zone but Iraqi
leaders now say they will turn the thing away at the
border.
Despite confusion as to the statue’s final resting
place, the work goes on at a furious pace. Foundry
workers are already stockpiling molybdenum, which
grows locally here, and attempting to determine the
proper expression and stance of the former President.
“This is the first time anyone has attempted to
craft a likeness solely from molybdenum,” said one
designer. “Before this we fashioned our work with a
mix of iron and steel, but with access to all this cheap
raw material it would be foolish to import other components.”
In its final state The Bush will be coated with a
marble glaze and adorned with naked cherubs at the
feet heralding Bush as “Liberator of Iraq”.
GOP sources in the nation’s capital say they can’t
find a place for the statue either.
“We are already at our capacity for glorious leader
statues,” said one anonymous congressman. “Actually
we are looking to unload a few of them due to maintenance and messy pigeons.”
Delegations in Florida and Ohio, instrumental in
the Bush victories of 2000 and 2004, have likewise
balked at displaying the effigy, saying they had no
room.
“Why don’t we put it in Texas?” asked one Tampa
politician. “They say it’s bigger there.”
At present the image, when finished, will be crated and shipped to Bush’s new address in Texas
despite complaints by residents of the gated, all-white
community there.
“We have zoning laws about this sort of thing,”
squawked James Crowe, a neighbor. “Think of the
scandal if Condoleezza Rice tried to visit it. We don’t
need that kind of publicity here. What if Oprah got
wind of this!”
Bush is expected to be in Crested Butte next week
to pose for the work. If he can’t make it, brother Jeb
or brother Neil will sit in for him since they all look
alike.
“We are only trying to cast a statue not castigate a
former politician,” said the designer. “If they can’t
find a place for it we can store it for them somewhere
up in the Elks. Eventually someone will show up to
claim it and pay the storage charges. People have
such short memories.”
- Kashmir Horseshoe
Asian
Antiqu
es
MABUHAY
Custom Jewelry & Fine Clothing
Downtown Crested Butte ¥ 404 Elk ¥
349-5282
SPORTS
Bronco defense turned away at border
(Denver) The United States Natural Immigration
Service today turned down an offer by the NFL
Denver Broncos to help patrol the southwestern border. The football players were apparently prepared to
help plug up holes and increase interceptions along
the frontier of Mexico.
In explaining the decision not to employ the
players the agency pointed to a less than solid performance on the football field in 2008.
“They were unable to stop the run on a grass
field in an area 100 x 50 yards what success could
they have out here in the cactus and rocks?” said an
official reaction from NIS.
Privately, Immigration and Border Patrol sources
say that with a sour economy up north the flow of
illegals had declined significantly. They say that
soon they won’t need any help policing the region
anyway.
“ Ain’t nobody gonna be out here. Why would
anyone want to leave his culture to work in a foreign
country if he could prosper in Mexico?” one asked.
Meanwhile, continued grumbling among several
Bronco players suggests that many feel the franchise
is being punished for a recent coaching decision.
“Dick (Cheney) is just pissed that we didn’t
interview him for the job and he’s blitzing us with
the border brigades,” said one linebacker. “He’s
from Wyoming, you know.”
In a related development, sources within the
rogue press report that former Bronco coach, Mike
Shanahan is indeed being considered as a vice-presidential candidate for the GOP end run at the White
House in 2012. They say that they expect further
details on the expanding story by the weekend.
Bronco fans all over the globe wait with anticipation as to the team’s fortunes with a
new coach in 2009. Here in Namibia tribal leaders practice the time-honored ritual of covering
their heads when talking about the 2008 performance. These enthusiasts actually believe
that running backs are immortal and that the traditional head coverings protect them from injury/mental anguish while their heroes are on the field.
(Estelle Marmotbreath Photo)
Obama to nationalize ski areas
(Crested Butte) Freshly elected President Barrack
Obama has asked Congress pass a bill calling for
the nationalization of all ski areas by 2013. In so
doing he keeps a campaign promise to subsidize
recreation in the United States thus creating a fitter,
more positive populace. The acquisitions would
apply only to existing resorts currently licensed by
the United States Forest Service.
“Our goal will not be to build seasonal hotels
and condos,” said Obama. “We will build infrastructure and invest in alternative sources of energy right
there on the slopes. We intend to make these
resources profitable while lowering prices for families with an annual income of less than $200,000.”
The proposal received a cold shoulder when first
unveiled at the Petit Snodgras Summit last month.
Saying that since private operators are already
camped on what is federal land, the transfer of the
properties in question should go quite smoothly. The
President did not elaborate when asked how the land
would be used in the off-season nor was he willing
to confront the issues of snowfall ownership.
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1. If Bozar called the shots the
runs through ____. (Temperatures
White House would be what
not technicalities)
color? What about the
16.) What is the ratio of dogs to realPentagon?
tors in Crested Butte. (Use your cal2. Since the 1860s the dance of
culator on this one).
choice in the Slate River Valley
17.) One has reached coolness in
has been: a.) the Watusi b.) the
Crested Butte when a.) he/she owns
Bugaloo c.) the Funky Broadway
a
complete set of tire chains for his
Take the quiz. All the good things in life are free. Besides,
d.) the Polka.
mountain bike b.) the local marshal’s
you’re this far into it. If you answer all of the questions
3. Over 3,000 Indian head rock foroffice gives one a nickname c.) the
correctly you need to get out of town more often.
mations exist inside the Mt.
restaurants serve him/her breakfast
Crested Butte city limits. Can
after 11 am d.) the Alpine Express
7. If you turn left onto White Rock then go two
you name them all?
drivers wave at him/her on Highway 135. e.) all
blocks and take another left, than a right, then
4 Back before the hippies arrived, bears did not
of the above.
another
left and go straight what would you run
prowl within the confines of Crested Butte
18.) Where would the premier showing of the film
into?
because a.) every miner had a loaded shotgun
Dr. Zhivago most likely be showing in 1970?
8.
Ruby
Irwin refers to:
by the door b.) there was nothing extra to eat
a.) Klinkerhaus b.) The Tailings c.) the Princess
a. A breakfast omelet served with Spam, Velveeta
c.) bruins are afraid of polka music d.) dogs
Theater d.) Lawrence of Oregano’s.
cheese and molybdenum.
ran free and chased them away e.) all of the
19.) What was the biggest threat to the peace
b. The Wicked Witch of the East South East, who
above.
and tranquillity of Crested Butte in the late
summers here.
5. If you had 200 burros standing around in the
19th Century? a.) powder days b.) fire c.)
c. The original home of the Elk Mountain Pilot.
middle of town in 1880 you could: a.) be in for
Indian attacks d.) Wobblies.
d.
A prostitute who nursed over 400 miners back
a big cleanup. b.) start a Fourth of July parade
20.) The last brothel in Crested Butte was named:
to health after a small pox epidemic in 1895.
on time c.) hardly hear yourself think. d.) make
a.) Mrs. Lovelace’s Notion and Confectionery
9.
During
the boom days of the early 1900s what
a small fortune hauling supplies to Aspen.
b.) out for a walk c.) according to the the premgreat Crested Buttian made up the schedule
What about 2000 mule burritos?
ise for time sharing d.) Frosted Fanny’s.
for
two-story outhouse use during mud sea6. Several wonderful inventions were patented in
21.) Crested Butte burned down in 1889 a.)
son?
Crested Butte. Among them are: a.) Skiing b.)
because it was made of wood, not of bricks b.)
10.
In 1970 Cindy Quint and her magical accorSnow. c.) Texans d.) Flauschink e.) mountain
to make room for a new quad lift c.) to collect
dion are playing at Frank and Gal’s Bar and
bikes. Choose three.
the insurance when the mines weren’t producCafe? What’s the scene there in 2005?
ing d.) because wood burning ordinances pro11.) Uncle Meat owned a.) a butcher shop b.) the
hibited it from burning up.
first gym in Crested Butte c.) a towing compa22.) The largest body of water in Gunnison
ny d.) a very successful guide and outfitting
County is a.) Blue Mesa Reservoir b.) Taylor
enterprise.
reservoir c.) Lake Irwin d.) the ski area parking
12. If the Confederacy had won the Civil War a.)
lot in April.
grits would have replaced home fries as a sta23.) Mt. Crested Butte, true or false?
ple b.) Coloradans would vacation in Texas and
24.) What are the seven naughty words never to
Oklahoma c.) there would be a statue of
be uttered on KBUT?
Robert E. Lee in Totem Pole Park d.) Gone
25.) Butch Cassidy’s real name was a.) Harold
With the Wind would have been filmed in
Zimmerman b.) Paul Newman c.) Neil Murdoch
Almont.
d.) Robert Parker.
13. What do Jokerville, Smith Hill, Floresta and
Bonus Math Question: If the average income in
Painter Boy have in common?
Gunnison county is $40,000 and the average
14. True or false? The coal shed of Crested
cost of purchasing a home is $800,000 how
Butte’s first full-service barber shop, built in the
can Jack and Jill afford to live up on the hill?
1890s, housed a still, and was not used to
- Mel Toole
store hair as the story goes.
15.) Summer in Crested Butte begins on ___ and
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Area roads to be closed to protect endangered grouse
(Gunnison) Many area roads and even a few highways will be closed this spring to protect the wild habitat of
the now famous Gunnison Grouse. Besides all country roads in Gunnison and Hinsdale Counties authorities
have closed State Highway 50 from midnight until noon to allow the grouse to mate without interruption.
Highway 135 will be shutdown the day after Easter until July 4 unless the birds themselves complain
While no one on either side of the controversial closings has ever actually talked to a grouse many have
strong opinions. Apparently so do many grouse.
One Ohio City says he speaks for the birds.
“We (the grouse) damn sure shudder at the sound of a bulldozer in our habitat but all these people snooping
around in the backyard experimenting with us aren’t helping much either. It’s like missionaries bringing small
pox to the god-less savages. We would simply like to be left alone. And there’s no reason to close the roads
since none of us drive cars.”
If the road closures are deemed effective Coloradoans may see plenty of rivers closed in the autumn to
protect the kokanee.
On the Confront Range, leaders are calling for a complete closure of all state and federal highways to protect humans, who, although not at all endangered are often driven mad due to overexposure to traffic. Back
roads are so far deferred from the plan but motorists are warned that they (the roads) can be slick, muddy
and/or dusty depending on the season..
“We will shut down I-70 and I-25 if that’s what it take to protect our way of life,” said a gubernatorial aide
who demanded he wear an Elmer Fudd mask while on camera. “I wonder what Georgetown would look like
without all the cars.”
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This juvenile attempt at humor has been
included in our issue to encourage readers
that spring is actually on the way. Wood
nymphs have returned to their haunts, the
wind is picking up oh, and the fish are
beginning to take the bait.
(photo by Jeff Brown)
A Truly Bituminous Experience
Put A
Little
Spring
In Your
Step!
After much deliberation regarding the inability of
CBMR to attract a “new crop” of skiers, the Crested Butte
Resort has decided to quit striving to become a first-class
resort in favor of becoming a second-class ski area. The
new status of the area will come with a flurry of lower
amenities such as using retired carnival
folk to man the lift.
Retired carney, Charlie “Ductape” Johnson looks forward to the opportunity to join the CBMR staff saying, “I
haven’t pulled the lever on a Ferris wheel in 20 years.
How come there ain’t people comin’ back on these lifts?
Where do they go?”
More ‘down-provements’ to the resort include serving
strictly hot dogs and slurpees at all eateries on the mountain. Edna Verna, former school cafeteria worker now
head of food and beverage stated, “There ain’t no mussin’
or fussin’ about hot dogs or slurpees. I can’t see why folk
would complain about the two greatest foods ever!”
Downgrading the area also means cheaper lift tickets to
which vice president of vice presidents Ben Gallstone
added, “Now I don’t have to listen to darn locals complaining about season lift ticket prices and they better
enjoy those hot dogs… we’ve got a lot of ‘em!” Along
with the cheaper lift tickets come massive changes to the
Grand Lodge Hotel which will now become the Mediocre
Lodge Motel. Heating for the Lodge will be removed and
a family pack of hand warmers will be given out during
check-in. The once heated pool will become a ‘wonderous’ ice-skating rink and the hot tub will be reserved for
Polar Bear Club meetings.
Yet more changes to the resort come in the form of
replacing guest
service people with guest herders. Sean O’Creedy, once a
Scottish sheepman was flown in to become the head of
guest herding. “We can’t have families loligaggin’ about
lookin’ at the pretty mountains. We need to get them from
their first to their second and then last meal of hot dogs.
There’s a lot of ‘em.”
While reinventions abound for the resort, the owners of
the area feel that the changes will benefit them the most
and keep locals out of their hair for a while. Plans for the
development of Snodgrass mountain are slated to continue
but instead of the construction of million dollar homes, the
owners will create parking lots strictly for Airstream trailers.
“Miniature golf and a sparkling bowling alley are not
out of the question,” said one VP.
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Tough Times
Continued from Page 2
and we were so poor we couldn’t even afford
KBUT...so poor that we had only one toy
between the fourteen kids. It was a piece of coal
that daddy brought home from the Big Mine. We
all got the coal for 1/2 day, which worked out
really well. My day was Tuesday from noon to
midnight. I remember squirming all day in school
in apprehension of the afternoon’s delight. Then
magically the time arrived, and I rushed home to
play with my treasure, my siblings gawking in
envy.
Daddy said the coal taught us to be happy
with what little we had and after all he needed
that whiskey to keep him settled after a shift.
Later, after daddy dropped dead of the gout, we
burned the coal and spread the ashes on Kebler
Pass.
- Margot Rotweiller
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Page 10 • san Juan Horseshoe • sping 2009
I met her at the Phoenix Park Pub on the Upper
East Side. Born and raised in Western Colorado my
daughter, Meghan, had moved to Brooklyn two years
ago, the latest in a refugee from the O’Sullivan clan.
Due to a mix of wanderlust and opportunity both of
my children had left the Rockies for the bright lights
of the Atlantic Coast. My son, Kyle moved to
Washington DC while his sister settled here in the
Apple itself.
Their descendents, the O’Sullivans and the
McCormicks had arrived in New York in the 1880s
looking for a better life than colonial Ireland offered.
Meghan’s great-grandfather had been a Brooklyn
cop, which added up to certain credibility for a
Colorado girl.
I’d just finished my first Guinness when she
came through the door from a film class at Hunter
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We stopped at the Sheep Station on 4th Avenue to
eat a late lunch with the Aussies where a barman
friend of my daughter’s named Nick informed me
that “We (Australia) may have inherited the criminals but you (United States) got all the religious
zealots.” Interesting observation, Nick, but how’s the
food?
The early evening found us at The Gate on 5th
Avenue to watch the fading Mets lose to
College.
Philadelphia and end their hopes for the playoffs.
“Let’s catch the train to Brooklyn,” she said.
The team from Shea appears to be the favorite (what
“Manhattan is Manhattan but Brooklyn is the place
with the Dodgers breaking hearts by pulling up
to be.”
stakes and moving to LA
We hopped off
in the late fifties) but there
the subway on 4th
are Yankee fans lurking in
Avenue and headed
every corner. Both Yankee
up Union Street to
Stadium and Shea Stadium
Palo Santo Comedor
have seen their last season
y Bar de Vino (easily
and the wrecking ball was
the best restaurant in
already busy. New parks
New York) where
would be ready by spring.
she worked. The
The passing of these great
brownstones glissports cathedrals saddened
tened in the evening
people but soon the talk
rain. The feeling of a
turned to the New York
neighborhood was
Giants football team and
far more prevalent
its chances to repeat as
than in the concrete
champions. Bret the Jet
canyons across the
was also a subject of exitEast River. (This
ed expectation.
ain’t Colona but it’s
“Ralph Cramden lived
OK) I hadn’t set foot
here in Brooklyn while
in Brooklyn since
Archie Bunker was from
1970 when it was in
Queens proprietor Brain
turmoil. Now it was
Gagnon explained. That’s
a charmed punctuathe difference. You’ll find
tion mark accenting
people here much more
just how a city can
friendly than in Manhattan
Brooklyn’s beautiful browntransform itself.
or
in Philadelphia,” he
stones are everywhere lendThe next sunny
said
shaking his head at
ing a sense of neighborhood
morning we strolled
choking
Mets in the
the
not found in Manhattan.
along Prospect Park
ninth inning.
on the way to the
The next day we
classic Brooklyn diner for breakfast. People smiled
returned to Manhattan to see an old Crested Butte
and greeted, jogging, walking dogs, and pushing
friend David Connor who works at the Rue 57
baby carriages near Grand Army Plaza. Gentrified
Brasserie Parisienne, near Central Park. At the
maybe, but quite safe for a large city that had once
Atlantic Avenue subway four men were crooning
been hostile and forbidding. Everyone lived
Sam Cooke tunes for tips. They were damn good and
here…the Dutch,
we stayed and
the Swiss, the
listened for a
Brazilians,
while to “You
Africans,
Send Me” and
Chinese and
“A Wonderful
Latinos. The difWorld”. I
ferent accents
remember
bounced off the
years ago
pavement like
when nobody
far away soccer
stayed in the
balls each telling
subway any
a different story.
longer than
The neighnecessary.
borhood
The place
between 8th
isn’t much
Avenue and
cleaner but
Fifth boasted a
it’s a whole
A sunny day at Coney Island
slew of ethnic
lot safer (Say
restaurants, curiwhat you will
ous shops and residential enclaves. Every race and
of former mayor, Rudy Giuliani and his tactics).
culture was represented, the real melting pot of the
While the train rattled on so did I with ideas for
country. Cabs flew by the Union Street Market.
screen plays (Meghan’s new passion) dancing in my
Horns honked and bicycles were everywhere. A
head. “What about a story of a man that gets so used
pleasant place to wander…but watch out for the
streaming buses. The real heart of New York.
continued on page 11
TRAVEL
I ll Take
I’ll Take Brooklyn
I’ll Take Brooklyn
continued from page 10
to the noises of the train that he can’t sleep anywhere
else but the subway?” I asked. “What about the private life of the
pretzel hawker at
Union Square?”
Lincoln’s
She smiled and
looked away.
Laptop
“This is our stop,”
she said.
Early the next
morning I took the
Long Island
Railroad to
Montauk where I
had spent two
years living in the
early seventies.
Despite the
growth in places
like East Hampton
and Amagansett,
Montauk still
looked much the
same. I found an
old friend George
Watson who owned and operated an exceptional
eatery and bar, The Dock at Montauk Harbor. I lived
happily on shellfish and clam chowder for three
rainy days. Montauk is a small town at the tip of
Long Island leaning more toward New England than
New York. Most of
my friends there wore
Skating the Mon’
Red Sox hats and had
done so since before
the great Ted Williams
roamed the outfield at
Fenway. Besides, fellow Beantown marvel,
Carl Yastrzemski was
from nearby
Bridgehampton. His
family had been potato farmers and his
brother used to have a
café there.
The train ride was
relaxing and cheap
(about $30 roundtrip
from Brooklyn) and
when I returned I was
informed that I was
going to Coney Island
the next day.
“They’re tearing
down most of the old
stuff to build condos,”
my daughter sadly
said. “We should see
it while it’s still
intact.”
Coney Island was
photos by Jeff Brown
quite the scene on a
sunny day in fall. Synonymous with in-your-face
hype…a parade of humanity in silly beach clothes on
the boardwalk. I wonder what my ancestors thought
of the place when they first saw the beach in the
1800s.
Chinatown
Bus to DC
“No. Don’t
take the train
to Washington.
Take the
Chinatown
Bus,” said
Jacques, the
owner-chef at
Palo Santo,
who grew up
in Washington.
Yes, the
Chinatown
Bus…The
Double
Happiness
Chinatown
Bus would do.
I arrived in the
bedlam that is New York’s Chinatown on Saturday
morning looking for a lady selling tickets near Canal
Street. Thirty-five dollars round-trip sure beat the
train fare. I gave her my money and she gave me a
ticket, mostly written in Chinese, and pointed out my
bus down on
the next corner.
The driver,
originally from
the People’s
Republic spoke
some English
and was all
business.
Climbing on
and looking for
a seat, I noticed
large signs prohibiting food on
the bus
although everyone had food
with them. It
smelled or egg
rolls and noodles. People
chatted away
and I knew I
had taken the
right advice. As
we cruised into
New Jersey
past the Statue
of Liberty in
New York
Harbor: Did
Sinatra ever
record “The Most Beautiful Girl in Bayonne”? I
took a nap then woke up somewhere near Delaware.
Three hours later we rolled into another Chinatown,
this one in the nation’s capital.
Compared to New York, Washington looked
small and insignificant. No tall buildings.
Neighborhoods running into each other along the
grid of lettered streets and numbered avenues. One
would think with all the politicians that the city has
seen come and go they could have been more creative with the names. No John Quincy Adams
Street…No Lyndon Baines Johnson Avenue. After
New York, Washington reminded me of a blown up
version of Grand Junction.
I met my son a few blocks away and we ate Thai
food, walked around Georgetown and Foggy Bottom
on Saturday, night then grabbed the train to Falls
Church, Virginia, where he lives. The Metro (subway) in Washington is cleaner than its counterpart
in New York. It’s so clean it’s almost sterile but it
works. Suburban Virginia is a world away from
D.C. and although rather same-old-suburban, it was
pleasant enough.
On Sunday, we returned to Washington to watch
football at the Bronco Bar somewhere near Dupont
Circle. Imagine a bar full of orange-clad Bronco
fans in the heart of Washington Redskin country.
After the game they took down the flags and pennants and the place returned to a DC dive just like
the others. There are hundreds of these concrete
temples to cheap beer here due to the large population of college-age students in attendance all over
the city. It was a quick weekend. I didn’t even make
it to the Smithsonian but I did get a shot of the
Lincoln Memorial (see photo).
Again the Metro carried us back to “”Ol’
Virginia even though the folks downstate aren’t
sure of what to make of the Potomac counties.
Washington has long been a southern town despite
the constant influx of us Yankees.
My son, Kyle, is here working for the Arab
Institute and planning to go to graduate school next
year. He misses Denver and Colorado but the
opportunity is here.
“You can’t become ambassador to Egypt living
in Kansas City or Portland,” I offered.
Then it was back to Chinatown to catch the bus
for New York via Philly. I had by then seen enough
of the East Coast and all the people. Back at my
daughter’s apartment in Brooklyn we planned our
last night together for a while.
“I don’t want to stay out late,” I remember saying. “I have a plane to catch in the morning.”
“Good idea,” she agreed.
However, we stayed out until 4:30 am anyway,
contributing in part to the surreal flight back to
Denver. Maneuvering Chicago’s O’Hare (where the
famous Chicago Dog costs eight bucks) was challenging after only two hours of sleep.
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ROCKY MOUNTAIN MAMMORIES
First Pair of Levis Were Quite a Prize
It was early in the morning when one of the Spritzer
boys arrived at the Forest Queen Mine wearing those
beautiful store-bought dungarees that caused such a
sensation. They were crisp and new and smelled it.
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Most of the other coal miners wore baggy trousers
fashioned from course wool or recycles cotton and
some even from disguised drapes and tablecloths,
though they’d never admit it.
Fashion was never a major priority underground.
Those were the days when the old timers spent their
leisure time walking around picking up gold nuggets
the size of basketballs right off the ground. They
worked the coalmines for the fun
of it.
As boredom is a part of any
occupation, and young Spritzer
was often a fitting target, several
of the older miners got onto the
lad about his newest acquisition.
“Did your momma spend her
butter and egg money on your
fancy denim bloomers?” teased
Mr. Mecini at lunch break.
“Aren’t you scared you’ll get ‘em
dirty?” asked the redheaded
Terence O’Neill. “Momma won’t
like that!”
“Not as much as he works!”
plugged Emil Roucek, a new
arrival from Croatia who was not
one to miss a chance at gnawing
at a fellow miner.
Well, as one might well imagine, young Spritzer’s attempts to
ignore the taunts were getting him
in deeper and deeper until he was
forced into the squabble.
“Take a good look, boys, because you won’t see
me wearin’ these trousers down in this hole no more.
This is the last of it,” he spouted. “From now on these
pants are for special occasions only. I just wore them
today to expose you hillbillies to a little of the finer
things of life!”
“Hell, you wouldn’t know the finer things of life if
they snuck up and bit you on the butt!” chided Mecini.
“Ain’t he something?” sighed O’Neill.
“Now boys, let’s not take to arguments. We’re all
friends here,” barked Roucek. “Let’s leave the boy be.
He’s proud of his new meetin’ duds. They’ll work
great when he’s out looking for a new job!” he
laughed.
“You’ll be the one hunting a new face if you keep
it up!” said an angry Spritzer.
“Now hold on, son,” offered Mecini. “We’re just
kidding you. Don’t get all riled.”
“Well, I want it to stop, once and for all,” scowled
Spritzer. I”ll take you all on one at a time...”
“Now I don’t think we need go that far,” shrugged
O’Neill. “Maybe just we could have a little fun betting
on the britches. I always enjoy a wager.
“Back in my native village of Idrija
we always settled these matters with a
polka,” said Roucek.
“With a polka?” asked Mecini. “Mr.
Roucek, you had better be getting a little more sun!”
“A polka contest,” scowled Roucek.
“A knock down, drag out dancing
marathon that separates the men from
the boys! Are you up to the challenge
young Spritzer?”
“Against your old bones?” he shot
back seeing his chance to escape all
their abuse.
“You choose the place!” countered
Roucek, now becoming put off by the
younger miner’s insolence. “And I”ll
bet you a week’s wages against those
new pants!”
“The Bucket of Blood Friday
night!” snapped Spritzer, since it was
his favorite saloon and one that featured
an outstanding combo from Irwin. It
was the local favorite where miners
drank all night and bragged about mining. (They
bragged about drinking and woman all day while
underground.)
When Friday came around there was no more talk
in the mine. Both Roucek and Spritzer were saving
their strength and the other miners were saving their
comments for later that evening. Spritzer was the first
to arrive at the Bucket of Blood and he quickly
became the center of attention in the saloon since
many of the other patrons had yet to view the object of
this recent discord, the new Levis. He rejected all
drink offers, intent on the competition.
Suddenly Roucek vaulted through the swinging
doors, in full polka regalia, already dancing. His
arrival even caught the attention of several drunks sitting against the wall who had totally missed the coming and goings of the Spanish-American War! Without
words, the two grabbed what would be the first of
many partners and glaring defiantly through the smoke
and ash began to lay down some serious steps.
They danced the Beer Barrel Polka. They danced
the She’s Too Fat Polka, changing partners whenever
necessary, still glacier-lipped and glaring at each other
across a sea of immigrant faces. At one point in the
evening after the band began it’s last set most of the
ladies did their best to hide from Spritzer and Roucek.
The entire competition threatened to terminate itself
for want of eligible partners, but for the late arrival of
a wagonload of ladies from Gothic. Nobody quit dancing, and the band, feeling no pain by midnight, and
“Suddenly
Roucek
vaulted
through the
swinging
doors, in full
polka
regalia,
already
dancing.”
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The following is an excerpt from Fish Out of Water by Kevin
SUNNY REVIVAL
The dust had finally settled from last night’s performance. Rev. Baby Love had really put it to them.
He had been on fire in his condemnation of wordly
temptations. Sin and the devil were bad. Who could
argue with that? Believing in the Reverend and
accepting his patented all-inclusive salvation were
good. It made sense. After all these years in the
limelight he had mastered the delivery. He could
conjure up angels and demons. All black and
white... always.
Of course the cash
from the collection plate
belonged to Jesus. Rev
Baby Love was just
holding onto it for him
until he came back.
Zooming in on his
favorite bogeymen who
had taken up refuge in
Hollywood, illegal
aliens, false religions,
homosexuals, liberals,
atheists and the United
Nations, he warned the
faithful of the fires of
hell while holding the
bright pleasures of heaven just out of reach.
“It’s your eternal life!” he bellowed. “Damn the
narcissist! It’s your eternal life! Damn the secularist!
What will you do when judgment day rolls around?”
Will you be seated on the right hand of the Lord or
be cast into the furnaces of Hades?”
The crowd shuddered. Most didn’t know what a
secularist might be but it sounded terrible to be sure.
“There is no body count in the war between God
and Lucifer! Are you a slave to the sins of this earth
or will you embrace the word and come over to the
righteous?”
The audience was numb, clearly moved by the
performance. They had not been disappointed.
These folks yearned for that old time feeling. They
had come to hear the message of redemption and
bought another just-in-case ticket to heaven. In private the Reverend always said:
“Just promise them eternal life. That’s about it.
It’s good for them not to worry. Don’t make it hurt
too much. Do it slowly with a smile and a firm hand
and soon they will learn to like it. Faith is quite the
safety net. Repeat the same salvation message over
and over to the same people and they will believe it,
no matter how irrational or fictional it becomes.
They will be the soldiers of the Lord. Zealous and
impossible to halt in their march for glory”
It was hard to say what Rev Baby Love actually believed. He had been groomed for greatness
since he was old enough to drool. Why question his
good fortune? All he had to do is preach the gospel
and the money tree kept getting taller.
“What was the take from last night?” he had
asked. The money counters just smiled.
His grandfather, the first Rev Grand Daddy Love
had started the whole ball rolling by building the
powerful ministry in the days of labor strife and
mass immigration. He hated the new arrivals and
warned the real Americans of their anarchist nature
and their Catholicism. It had begun right there in
Escucha al Monte with a small revival tent. He told
of glory days at Glorieta Pass fighting the rebels and
victories at places like Sand Creek against
the savages. Links to the Klan ran deep in
Colorado in those days and Rev Love was
not shy about his allegiances.
He saw himself as an American icon, a
pioneer in matters of the spirit, a circuit
rider, a Johnny Appleseed for the righteous. He had lived off the land, running his
own show.
Preaching with
the fireworks of
the abolition, he
continued to distrust black people.
Pointing to the
heavens with his
vainglorious index
finger he reveled in the
glory of Manifest Destiny
and the American Empire.
Jesus may have grown up
elsewhere but now he lived
in the United States and
wore the red, white and
blue draped across his
shoulders.
Rev. Grandpa Love had
died a rich man, succumbing to a heart attack right
there on stage at age 80.
Then came Rev Daddy
“Carwash” Love who took
the revival business to
greater heights diversifying
the message and making
investments in shadow businesses and willing politicans. Often his Saturday
night meetings were attended by senators and industrialist looking for votes right
along with their enlightenment. He owned fish markets, tire stores, rest homes,
trailer parks, dog walking
services, mortuaries, asphalt
companies, three churches,
a paper mill and a privately
run sanatorium for his fall-
The audience
was numb,
clearly moved
by the
performance.
They had not
been disap
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en away flock. His greatest success may have been
a national string of car washed called “Wash Your
Sins Away” which featured the Reverend complete
with halo and white robe smiling from above as he
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encouraged by the generous amount of money inhabiting a passed hat, agreed to play on.
They played the Grain Elevator Polka. They played
the Casmir Pulaski Polka. They played the Get Up
You’re Late For Work Polka! After several hours
passed, when most of the decent folk might have headed homeward, the contestants took to dancing with
other miners. They danced until dawn, often with just
one accordion bellowing through the frosty night.
When morning came the two dancers, now looking rather haggard took a break.
“You ready to give up?” taunted Roucek.
“Not on your life!” jabbed Spritzer. “I’ll be touring the dance floor fantastic when you’re passed out
in the corner,” he added. “Why I’m not even tired!”
“Tired?” winged Roucek. “Who said anything
about tired? Why I’m just getting’ my joints loosened
up!”
Well, the polka marathon went on all afternoon on
Saturday as the two were hard at it, dancing to the
sounds of makeshift polka bands from as far away as
Gunnison. Many of these had just heard about the
commotion and had wandered in to catch the show.
As a matter of fact my great grandfather Winston
Tinkleholland, a newly arrived part owner of the
Revenue Mine near Ouray was in town on business
and happened into the saloon on Saturday night. I got
a good bit of the story from him.
“The place was full of miners, gamblers, whores
and downtown merchants,” said uncle Winston. “It
was said to be a far larger crowd than the one assem-
Sunny Revival
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He once bragged that he alone “could deliver
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bled on the previous night. I’ve never seen two people so exhausted and yet still in motion since the
pilot fell asleep on the night watch when I was a boy
in her majesty’s Navy.”
When the sun came up Sunday morning neither
Spritzer nor Roucek would yield right of way. They
danced the Three-legged Polka, the Gold-digger
Polka and the Sherman’s March to the Sea Polka. At
noon they broke for lunch.
“Hey Spritzer,” yelled a man in the crowd.
“You’re loosing your pants!”
And sure enough, when the tired young dancer
took inventory he found that his beautiful new Levis,
that had fit him like a glove, now fit him more like a
flour sack.
“Looks like you’re done for,” wailed Roucek.
“Nobody can do a genuine, authentic by-the-book
polka while holding up their pants!”
He declared himself the winner.
“The hell with that,” countered Spritzer, looking
around the room for a friendly face. Soon he caught
the glimpse of his teenage brother, who folks
regarded as just a little slow and, retreating to the
privy, he requisitioned his trousers.
“These fit a lot better,” said Spritzer to himself
as he peered into the outhouse mirror. It was a class
place with the mirror and all. It was then that it hit
him.
“My God! I’m dying!” he shouted. “All this
dancing has done me in. I’m nothing but skin and
bones!”
Returning to his senses the young man went
back into the Bucket of Blood and found his adver-
sary passed out at a table. The competition was
declared a draw. Spritzer was too tired to argue. He
turned to his younger brother who was standing
there adorned in nothing but his skivvies.
“And where are my beautiful denim trousers?”
he asked, finding it difficult to force the words out
of his mouth.
“Why, still in the crapper, I guess,” cried his
brother.
“Oh no!” cried Spritzer, as he careened and
stumbled toward the back door of the Bucket of
Blood Saloon. When he opened the privy door there
was nothing to see but old Mr. Weizer, the postmaster doing his duty.
“Where are my pants?” shouted Spritzer.
“How should I know?” roared Weizer. “Now get
on out of here!”
It was then that Spritzer realized his prize possession was now destined for someone else’s hips.
His spirits sank. There were so many strangers in
town that it could have been anyone who helped
themselves to his britches. They were gone for
good.
As the two brothers wandered back home to get
some sleep the older one didn’t really have the energy to lecture the younger so he just shut up.
As it turns out the pants were never to be found.
Spritzer lost 13 pounds that weekend and Roucek
looked a little thinner, too. But you know they both
made shift the next day at the Forest Queen. Folks
were tough back then.
50,000 votes in an election with the turn of a phrase
and more if he got down to negotiations.”
The radio was his friend. He was one of the first
snake charmers to embrace the media seeing its
power from the start. Rev Daddy Love was a lightening rod despite his 5 foot stature. His marriage to
an abnormally tall cousin assured his off-spring
would not be hampered by shortness. At 18 she
threw him two daughters and then at 19 a son, who
would become Rev Baby, the current boss man of
the Sunny Revival empire.
The night before, while security men watched
from above taking care to screen the entrance to the
revival. Grandmas perused the program and teenage
girls in short skirts and too much make-up strained
to get a glimpse of rock star evanglelists. The good
folk had assembled and paid the piper, who was
Rev Love. It was a mandate of grand proportions.
“And to the faithful at home next to their TV
sets I say “We came here to do battle with the
forces of evil throughout the world. The evil forces
of Islam, the leftists, the one world harlots, the terrorists, the Hindus, the Bhuddists, the Papists, the
doubters and witches and sodomists and fornicators...”
Actually the TV ministry had whisked the
revival business into the 21st Century faster than
fear had aided his grandfather or radio had propelled his dad. Television allowed for faithful to
hear the word without getting out of their
bathrobes, brushing their teeth or starting up their
cars. They could feel the love without looking for
a place to park or interacting with anyone. It was
like surfing the shopping network for accessories
for the soul.
What was particulary frightening for the adversaries of this spewing fountain of righteousness
was that he firmly believed he was right and that
he deserved the riches bestowed upon him . He
had buttonholed the Lord.
Now in what had become the norm, Rev Baby
loved to talk nonsense right before the sermon got
into full roll. He loved to rhyme silly words and
roll his eyes back in his head. Said it helped him
get into the mood for preaching. He began with his
entourage inside the tent:
“Jesus was no Jew anyway. He was only
masquarading to fool the Romans. He was a FifthColumn Visigoth sneaking around spying preparing for the invasion that was coming. He was an
Aryan. The Jews are all from the Lost Tribe
whether they know it or not. Jesus was strictly a
white boy. It’s all right here in the Bible. You just
have to read it right. Those people who fail to see
what is right before them don’t have the brains of a
bag of garden bark.”
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Armies Must Fight Naked Says UN
(New York) In an attempt to solidify its waning authority the United Nations today passed
a resolution banning armies in uniform from
engaging in aggressive actions against others.
While admitting that the proclamation is only a
start, delegates agreed that it is, at least in theory, a step toward world peace.
The concept, in short, states that armies
who do not wear uniforms will not be able to
readily identify the enemy and therefore will
vacate the battlefield. Sadly, it is estimated that
many warring parties in Africa and Asia
already have forsaken uniforms or in most
cases never had them to begin with due to
Cheap, Ribald News…
rampant poverty.
Critics of the UN disclosure say the body is
not going far enough in condemning war and
that they have not factored weather and ancient
tribal tradition into the formula. Many abstaining delegates say they hope the resolution will
be taken seriously in that it would provide
quite a spectacle in light of longtime hostilities
in places like Zimbabwe and Colombia.
Erection Blocks View Says Photo Guru
(Grand Mesa) Award winning photographer says a newly constructed barn blocks his view of the Bland Valley
from high atop 10,000-foot Grand Mesa. The barn, built last month as the future Sheep Herders Hall of Fame,
sits on an adjacent 40-acre plot between the artist’s land and a severe drop-off into the valley. Although the
structure clearly adheres to all local zoning codes, a June lawsuit is expected.
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Montrose Hospital to snip circumcision services
(Montrose) Local medical sources tell us they will curtail circumcisions by March due to insurance problems
and general budgetary considerations. The facility will reportedly begin trimming excesses next week. Parties
interested in undergoing the said surgery should call the hospital to set up a preliminary examination as soon as
possible according to hospital representative.
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Airlines to cut off nuts
(Gunnison) Citing higher prices and operational snags three major airlines will suspend snack services on all
domestic airlines. Although steward persons will continue to serve soft drinks and alcohol, the little bags of
nuts that accompanied them will no longer be offered.
Passengers are encouraged to buy bags of nuts at the airport prior to departure if they like that sort of thing.
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World Scheduled to End Friday
(Hades-on-Hathaway) The world, which includes all known space and time, is slated to terminate itself sometime
Friday afternoon according to seismologists and charlatan magicians living in tin and cardboard shacks up and
down the Sugar Loaf.
Although life goes on, as of the middle of the week a growing number of humans have begun taking precautions such as buying lottery tickets, stockpiling groceries and putting the car in the garage. According to practicing sociologists, there has been a particularly strong run on luxury items and marriage proposals over the past
month.
MORE ON THIS WHEN IT HAPPENS
JAILED FOR NOT SHOVELING SIDEWALKS
Gunnison Releases Political Prisoners
Hwy 550 between
montrose and ridgway
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(Alcatraz-on-Tomichi) Hundreds of happy, but exhausted,
inmates were released from the Gunnison Country Jail this
morning after being incarcerated for weeks without trial.
Their crime? Failure to shovel sidewalks in the allotted
time.
The powerful city council, originators of the ordinance,
finally rescinded its previous decision and allowed the
felons to go home for the weekend. They will be back in
quart on Monday for final sentencing.
“That gives us time to coordinate release efforts down
the road and secure the support of rogue council members,” said an attorney from the Civil Liabilities Union.
“The council realizes it abused its power and now members just want to save face.”
What’s really stupid is that merchants along this corridor are swift in their assault on snow-covered sidewalks.
Threats by the gov’ment appear to have been unnecessary.
Conditions inside the calaboose are said to have been quite
brutal in that cable TV was turned off and each morning
the arresting officers ate all the doughnuts.
“There’s nothing in the Constitution that says I have to
shovel snow at a prescribed time,” said Melvin Toole, a
leader of the resistance and militant collector of rare buttons. “Just because we let the council have its own television show they think they can set policy.”
Attorneys for the accused say the matter will be thrown
out of quart since the habeas corpus has melted.
“It’s just like all them Tarheels running out and buying
snow shovels after a northeasterner spilled a little powder
down there,” flapped Toole. “Don’t they know it will
melt? My advice is to trade in that shovel for a jug of corn
squeezins and sit by the pot belly till things return to normal.”
For more on this turn to The Whether Channel
Advantage Sight
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2400 E. Main, Suite D • Montrose, CO 81401
www.montrose.net/advantage
Open Monday-Saturday
New Worm Eats
(Silicon Valley UPS) A new computer virus discovered in
its infant stages by technicians here contains destructive
potential far beyond afflictions detected in the past. The
worm, or virus, appears to have the capacity of leaving
the computer, wandering along one’s work space or desk
and eating a user’s mouse.
It remains unclear what further threat this development
represents to other common desk items such as lamps,
clocks, books, pads or printers.
The hungry virus has been blamed for the disappearance of some 20 mice since Thursday. Computer gurus
discount the possibility of an epidemic saying that they
have the situation well in control and have made adjustments to isolate and terminate the worm before it gets into
the kitchen or bathroom.
For more on this turn to Classic headlines of little or no
merit on Page 60.
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Indian Winter Astrograph
If your birthday falls this month rise to the occasion quietly. Keep gatherings within fire code and make sure
most guests get home before dawn. This is a great time
for romance but don’t start squeezing the invited merchandise until after the candles have been extinguished.
If you already have a lover, ignore all advice from solitary wizards and lone matchmakers. Keep your oil clean
and your transmission in a lower gear. Taurus may be the
anchor but a windy Capricorn will help you get back to
the harbor.
AQUARIUS
(January 20 - February 18)
Avoid organic. It doesn’t fit over your snap bean ego, not
to mention that drooping cauliflower ear. You actually
possess one rare and abrasive eyebrow and a forced,
corn-fed disposition. Bales of straw will be thy peers,
moo cows thy sacred confidantes. Interrupt frustrations
with reflections of natural disasters such as the emergence and evolution of humanity. If you want to get a
rooster’s attention talk to him outside the hen house.
Tonight: Down by the old gristmill.
PISCES
(February 19 - March 20)
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Keeping your head above water is not necessarily suggested, you know...with the fins, gills, and all. You may
soon be on a roll but it could be accompanied by hush
puppies and slaw. Although somewhat repetitious, your
life is at least predictably serene. Take time to consider
options. Remember: In the land of the blind, a one-eyed
man is king. Look before you bite. After all, how much
cuisine can there be on the end of a hook? Attention to
personal hygiene will not help bottom feeders. Tonight:
Make waves.
ARIES
(March 21 - April 19)
Hopes for a raise will fall. Excess, rather than success
should be your highest priority. Money will follow. How
do you expect to climb the corporate ladder in sensible
shoes? The basement office generally comes sans window but is the safest place to work during a tornado or
hurricane. Keep a current letter of resignation in the top
drawer and a bottle of cheer in the bottom right drawer.
By Tuesday, it will likely be Friday before it’s Monday
again. Tonight: Sleep in the shower.
TAURUS
(April 20 - May 20)
Avoid the temptation to push the buttons of others especially while they are busy pulling on your chain. A
cranky lover is like a one-armed trapeze artist, or maybe
not. Journey outside your social circle toward your emotional rectangle or even your Spiritual Square and stop
blaming others for the sad shape you are in. Open doors
only when going in or out. Irrelevance is your ongoing
virtue. Tonight: Keep it simple. You certainly are.
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Following instincts is better than following a fertilizer
wagon. Your fiery ideas are of no interest to persons still
wet behind the ears. Life is one big gamble, so why not
just shut up and deal? When you do get a good idea into
your motivation it is often overwhelmed by the vast
expanse of that flat, cranial landscape. Develop vacant
lots between your ears. Collecting food stamps is an
acceptable winter hobby. Tonight: Dine on Ding Dongs
are certainly no candidate for an ulcer. If you seek
career advancement, you must learn to take responsibility. The plants on the fifth floor need pruning.
Somebody in cubicle seventeen is out of rubber bands.
Tonight: Visit a thick friend.
LIBRA
(September 23 - October 22)
An explosive mixture of emotions in the air could be
the result of diet. It’s better to be up for grabs than
down for the count. If others want to fight help them
tie their gloves. Challenge the loser. In a one-horse
town, it’s imperative to carry a bucket of oats if you
want a ride. If you insist on poking a hornet’s nest do
so with someone else’s nose. Don’t expect a free lunch
when you still have breakfast on your face. Tonight:
Dine with the neighborhood cannibal.
SCORPIO
(October 23 - November 21)
The path to hell is negotiated one step at a time. The
Sun in Aquarius may require a building permit.
Tomorrow’s conjunction of Mars and Jupiter is
becoming quite disruptive and could close the liquor
stores. A competitor’s footprint on the back of your
head may be both indicative and disconcerting. If you
love someone, spell it out. Use one-syllable words and
flash cards if necessary. This is not a great time to
play hard-to-get if your intention is to be got. Tonight:
Vegetable oil bombs at twenty paces.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22 - December 21)
Don’t read too much into all this astrological crap and
you won’t be disappointed by dark and stormy nights
and/or less than shooting stars. Relax. Take a nice
long meteor shower before bed. Be careful of smallminded people in big hats through the 29th. Planetary
activity in the well being sector of your chart dictates
a wholehearted embrace of rapture. Hint: The sins of
the flesh have nothing to do with how you like your
steak. Tonight: Fired pinon nuts and milk.
CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 19)
One may find it tough to jockey for position from high
in the saddle or behind the horse. A bribe in the
judge’s chambers is worth two on the gallows. If you
do nothing at this time, you cannot create dangerous
precedents for later. From the look of your chart, your
social life is about to escalate. From the look of your
outfit, clowns are involved. Learn the difference
between unwanted repercussions and unwanted leper
cousins. Tonight: Practice body slams.
- General Kashmir Horseshoe
Delphian Alchemist to the Stars
CANCER
(June 21 - July 22)
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Concentrate on the dualism of mind and matter while
compiling your weekly grocery list. Memories of the
past should in no way compete with tendencies to fantasize about the future. Never allow stubbornness to subvert a tactical retreat when it involves frosty romance.
Putting a bag over your head only serves to accentuate
the rest of your shabby self. Your solar chart wants nothing to do with you either. Push yourself just a little bit
harder today especially when you are near cliffs and atop
tall buildings. Tonight: TV dinners until dawn.
LEO
(July 23 - August 22)
Plan ahead since tomorrow has already made reservations. Take pain not to lap yourself before noon. The collision course that you have chosen has few pit stops. An
elitist masseuse may rub you the wrong way. Follow
through on passion’s promises, account for sultry details,
confront the enemies of decadence. The peanut butter
and jelly sandwich is not your invention. Finding the
right person is like sorting socks. That’s all, sorting
socks. One size almost fits all. Tonight: It’s never too
early to send Christmas cards.
Bottle Barn Liquors
120 N. Townsend
Montrose ¥ 249-1122
PIZZA
FROM
SCRATCH
VIRGO
(August 23 - September 22)
Sometimes it’s a thin line between laid back and laid out.
Attempt some body movement so that co-workers know
you are breathing. Cough, sneeze, get up and walk
around your desk. Anything. You may be dull but you
Using Only
Fresh
Ingredients
ON THE GO? CALL AHEAD!
Free Delivery In Town - Plenty of
¥ Gourmet
Pizzas
¥ Calzones
¥ Sandwiches
¥ Salads
970-249-1717
1140 S Townsend (at 12th) Montrose
Open Mon-Sat, 10am-8pm
Once Upon A Thyme
BATHROOM MORE DANGEROUS THAN SLOPES
(Crested Butte) The average American is far more likely
to injure himself in the bathroom than on the ski slopes
according to a recently completed study by Colorado Ski
and Snowboard Country. Statistics, presumably manufactured by the industry, clearly indicate that people are at
far greater risk engaged in normal daily functions than
they might be screeching down a double diamond.
“In the common bathroom one has to contend with a
sink, a tub, a commode, possibly throw rugs, rogue towel
racks, conspiratorial shower curtains, sharp-edged toilet
paper dispensers, open windows, ceiling fans, insidious
doors, cheap wallpaper, protruding walls and unstable
medicine cabinets,” said Zorro DesPlants, a spokesman
for the recreation interest. “Also, one must consider that
the average human in the using the bathroom may have
only recently arisen from his slumber and is vulnerable
to a host of potential accidents. Others are under pressure
or in a hurry. Some are simply stupid when it comes to
functioning amid advanced technology.”
In response, the Armenian Plumbers Union, Ed’s
Bubble Bath International, the Western Shampoo
Growers, Mom’s Linens and Towels Ltd., the American
Tile Manufacturers and an assortment of air freshener
concerns has filed a protest with the state attorney general saying that the ski people have made up the entire
comparison so as to scare people.
“Sure, we know the bathroom can be a frightening
place but if people just take necessary precautions the
entire exposure has every chance in the world of resulting in a positive experience,” she said. “Helmets, seat
belts and air bags, while a pipe dream a few years back,
are now employed by many in the little room down the
hall. I myself,” she explained, “enjoy an immeasurable
degree of security by the inclusion of a large caliber pistol in my constitutional entourage.”
Town Fails to Meet Architectural Standards
We have to stop
meeting like this.
The ice is melting but the roads
are still treacherous
MYLARS
AUTO BODY SHOP
429 North 1st St. • Montrose, CO
Mon-Fri: 8am - 5pm, 249-9120
QUALITY SERVICE FOR OVER 40 YEARS
“If you don’t go to their funerals they won’t come to
yours.”
-Yogi Berra
BOZO CALLS FOR WRECKING BALL
(Crested Butte) BOZO, the Bored of Ozone Zoning
and Ostentation, has declared Crested Butte to be
an architectural wasteland and have set the wrecking
ball in motion, according to songbirds within that
organization. Teaming up with local building inspectors, BOZO has demanded strict compliance to its
new restrictions by April. 98% of the structures within
the town limits are under the scrutiny of the edifice
wardens.
“Every building is suspect,” stressed one Bozo
member. “The only building that actually adheres to
our criterion is the Talk of the Town Tavern since it
was initially constructed in a small bottle and then
moved to Elk Avenue during a snowstorm,”
explained one BOZO spokesman. “In addition the
Talk was built out of neon popsicle sticks and we find
the design of its men’s room to be delightful. The
color is great too.”
What the landscape will resemble if Bozo has its
way is anyone’s guess with critics warning that Elk
Avenue could end up leaning toward Vail while secondary arteries might take on the character of Las
Vegas.
“With all the new destruction and follow-up construction we could be in for trouble,” said one anonymous resident who has been attempting to pin down
a plumber since 1973. “But I presume that Bozo
knows best. Besides, all the bulldozer drivers will be
gainfully employed at least.”
There are currently more building inspectors and
structural custodians in Crested Butte than there are
pigeons.
In a related piece, the Abraham Lincoln
Opportunity Foundation, an altruistic, right-wing political action charitable organization linked to Newt
Gingrich, has approved a grant aimed at alleviating
the snow removal problem once and for all. In an
eleventh hour proclamation, the ALOF has earmarked funds to purchase Kochevars Ballroom and
the Forest Queen Hotel as snow storage sheds.
Once the two buildings are full of snow they will
be hauled to Gunnison, according to someone’s
master plan.
For a related story turn to “Brinks Truck Tips Over at
Council Meeting”.
- H.L. Menoken
GUNNISON GUMBO...
PARTS OF COuNTY
RESEMBLE THE MOON
SAYS ASTRONAuT
(Sapinero) When humans first view the surface of
the moon it could remind them of home, especially if they live in Gunnison County. That’s the latest from Slim Porcine, who has just returned from
a seven-year orbit of the earth. Porcine, who
grew up at Baldwin, insists that most of the country, within a 20-mile radius of Sapinero, exhibits
embarrassing lunar properties common to the
crater rich moon.
“The only difference is the gravity, the RVs
and the sagebrush,” he smiled, “and the green
cheese.”
Porcine, who once rode a Trailways bus from
New York to Los Angeles, hopes to return to the
moon soon to retrieve his car keys, which were
inadvertently misplaced during a soil testing field
trip in 1994. He is then slated to visit Mars,
Venus, Neptune and Grand Junction in the
spring.
GuNNiSON SETTLES ON
NEW SLOGAN
(Harvard-On-Tomichi) Gunnison Country, in
cahoots with the Western State academic community has decided on a new slogan for 1997:
“Come Visit Gunnison - Where a Quart of Ice
Cream Won’t Melt If You Leave It Overnight on
Your Car Seat From November through Most of
March”.
Although the writers of the slogan admit that
it’s a little wordy they say it nails down the concept that cold weather is healthy and follows the
rigid philosophy that a town should attempt to
capitalize on what sets it apart from other places.
“We’re still modifying,” said one stringer for a
local moth ball publication. “We just can’t figure
out what to cut out.”
A plan to produce some two million match
books containing the slogan has been put on
hold until some serious editing takes place.
STREET SALTiNG
PROVOKES REACTiON
(Gunnison) A plan by city fathers and mothers to
salt the streets here has a portion of the population up in arms. Saying that the salting is necessary due to an increase in accidents on slick
streets civic leaders have been negotiating with
salt mines as far away as Moab.
Salting is not evil,” said one proponent of the
plan. “They do it in all the real cities.”
“Is this some Sodom and Gomorra song and
dance?” asked Abdule “Mickey” Chagrinne, a former Arab who now operates most of the county’s
illegal casinos. “I remember the story like it happened yesterday. Lot’s old lady turned around to
take one last glimpse of the dump and turned to
salt. Big deal.”
The executive order to commence salting is
expected this week although it is not known
whether garlic and cayenne pepper will be included. The new ordinance will be in affect through
the heavy snow months of June, July and August.
“If the powers that be really want to create a
safe environment they’s start ticketing speeders
on inside the city limits.,” said Chagrinne. “With
all the tourists driving through town one would
think that an occasional pound of flesh is within
the boundaries of good taste. I for one think our
leaders have sold out to the moderates!”
LOOkIN’ TO HOOk UP?
connect
with us…
CELL PHONES • PHONE SySTEMS
TELEvISION • DISH NETWORk • INTERNET
Communications Is Our
www.highmesacomm.com
249-4477
1414 Hawk Parkway ¥ Unit F-1 ¥ Montrose
Across from the Super Wal-Mart in the Miners
Building
Hairlines & Nail Designs
Where service is always in style.
Spend A Few Dollars and Look Like a
MILLION!
230 South Second Street • Montrose
Tracy Harrison - owner 249-4828
niOXin
Master Stylist - Master Nail Technician
CREATIVE
NAIL DESIGN
HEATING & AIR CONDITIONING
SHEET METAL
Proudly Serving the Area for 26 Years
Quality Installation & Service
Energy Efficient Heating Systems
Humidification Systems
Residential • Commercial • industrial
MONTROSE
249-3631
942 N. Park
TELLuRiDE
728-1460
156 B Society Dr.
“There are cracks in everything. That’s how the light
gets in.”
- Leonard Cohen
LOWEST PRICES!
SERVING M ONTROSE , OURAY ,
SAN M IGUEL & D ELTA C OUNTIES
W E D ELIVER!
175 Merchant Drive ¥ Montrose
(Next to Montrose Ford)
(970) 249-2458
Fax (970) 249-7428
[email protected]
Xerox
authorized
sales agent
“Why worry about the economy. It sure ain’t worryin’
about you.”
- Carl Marks
Manufactured excuses: Includes appliances and
crummy metal stairs. No pets. Mineral rights
negotiable. Peter Pan Acres, Wimpton.
Bush-Cheney in 1984 bumper stickers by the gross.
Send $25 to Black Republicans in Straw Hats and
Cowboy Boots, c/o Horseshoe.
Lusty Celtic woman wanted for kilt raising experiSexual hormones by mail. So potent that the feds
ence over the impending winter months. Must
are issuing warnings regarding side affects. See
enjoy doing very little for erotic periods of time,
Mr. Melatonin for a confidential interview at your
followed by feasting and frivolous behavior far
local DHEA Office.
into the wee hours of the morning. Must have
own pool cue. Good teeth an asset. All temperaNot a United States citizen and having
trou
ments tolerated. Melvin O’Toole c/o this flyer.
ble getting in on the Washington gravy
train? Send your tax-deductible donationGrady
to s Gravy Heaven will no longer-be fe
Francis Scott Key c/o Whitewater Tours, turing the Giant Velveeta/Spam Boat on
Hillary Clinton Beltway, Jessup, MD 20794.
Wednesdays and Thursdays due to decreas
ing response from the noon service clubs.
For sale: Humor publication centered in Western
Starting Monday the luncheon special will
Colorado. Current publisher seeks to pursue
Pate de Foie Gras on Wonder Bread with
leisure time engaged in outdoor activities, indoor
Miracle Whip and a crisp, welted garnish.
festivities, childhood fantasies, adult conversaGrady s...where cholesterol meets a host
tion and afternoon cocktail experiments.
dioxins...since 1956.
$325,000. Includes fixtures (human and otherThe San Juan Horseshoe proof reading staff is having a
wise) designer office furniture, water cooler, liferummage sale. Misspelled words, bad grammatical
size Porky Pig savings bank, picture of Slim
combinations, weak paragraphs for sale at 10 cents on
Pickens, filing cabinet with reconditioned outthe dollar. Elderly, somewhat myopic staff. If you call,
board engine, week’s supply of air freshener and
please speak up. If you write, please do so in oversized
cigar box full of plutonium Disney figurines. Will
print. Lease or buy outright and save. For nose wiping
trade for small island nation and $300,000. No
and a compassionate ear contact circulation departchecks. Serious buyers should respond with
ment.
earnest money ($5,000 minimum to peruse
books) to Melvin Toole Broker, Box 1209, Ouray,
CO 81427.
We have Lenin’s goatee, Stalin’s mustache,
Trotsky’s eyeglasses, Breznev’s eyebrows,
I will iron your socks while you’re at the dog track
Krushchev’s shoe, Gorbachev’s birthmark,
- St. Roscoe, Powderhorn
Yeltsin’s martini glass and a baseball card collection that may have belonged to Czar Nicholas.
Now anyone from varied socio-economic backWhat do you have? Former Commie Exchange,
grounds can visit extracted appendages, organs, limbs,
St Petersburg.
surgically removed political beliefs. Easy access on
recent transactions. St Roscoe’s Hospital...We’re on
For sale: We have over 4000 distinct pieces of
the mall!
luggage recovered during summer tourist season. We’ve got to sell this stuff to make room
Egg donors needed for pancake breakfast.
for the skis, gloves, sunglasses, passports and
Ouray Elks.
hubcaps that we will recover this winter. If you
Cell phone addiction is not your fault. Dial 56
and hold it.
Organic sagebrush cleansing. Tuesdays at the
C’mon Inn. Downtown Red Meat, WY. Bring a
covered fish.
Come visit the
Crested Butte Mountain
Heritage Museum and
Ski flights from Baghdad, Bahrain via BadenBaden and the Bahamas. Bee Air. We accept Mt. Bike Hall of Fame
food stamps.
We make it
•
•
•
•
EASY
on you
Installation
Consultation
Support
Low Monthly Charges
Open daily, 12-6pm in winter &
10am-8pm in summer.
Poodles Without Partners will meet at the
Ouray Community Center through April.
After that, you re on your own for -the win
Exhibits on
ter.
Mining • Skiing • Trains • Home Life
Ranching and more
Ski Patrol personnel needed for contract
Don’t forget our great Museum Store!
work in the 26,000-foot Leibnitz and
Doerfel Mountains. New ski area at
331 Elk Ave
Crested Butte, CO
Apennine Bowl opens in 2009!
Transportation and daily stipend provided to
970-349-1880
successful candidates. Life guards now in
demand at Sea of Crisis and Bay of Dews.
Sense of geography and ability to swim
most important. Lunar Ventures, Purgatory
Station, CO.
a restaurant serving
the finest in beef,
chicken, seafood, pasta
dishes & cocktails.
COME HAVE
DINNER
TONIGHT!
owned & operated by
Ouray natives
610 Main in Beautiful Ouray, Colorado
are missing luggage please claim at the
Apocalypse Viaduct at Wimpton by September 30.
A small finders fee will be levied.
The War on Slugs is winnable if all -you peas
ants out there will simply follow the lead of
your elected officials and the police.
Together we can remain in the 18th Century!
Muckraker needed for cosmetic sod work over
the winter. Blind Box 4, Horseshoe.
Lauded by the literate, belittled by the Part time web mistress for Ducks
banal...it s The San Juan Horseshoe that you
Unlimited. Salary and pension
- impu
hold in your hand. Loquacious, never
dent...a passion of jerkwater gratuity andguaranteed through 2006. Send
resume to Feather Quackenbush
cups of warm milk. If you don t read it you
won t know what you re missing.
in Colona.
Editor seeks quaint, antique Barbie
Applied Conglomerates has needs too.
Virgins for volcano appeasement (ext 56), Doll accessories for bloody, reality
hunting pictorial. Ken doll body parts
DNA purchases over the phone (ext. 39)
Fiscal stretch marks disappear in days! (ext.
considered. Market price or possible
88) Still looking for wholesale prices on cut
trade
for antelope meat. Prop credits.
bait. Look for the blue and white sign in your
Union shop. 325-0479.
town.
We can get you elected to any office from
dogcatcher to President of the United States.
Guaranteed results. Bonded. Testosterone
Brothers Construction, Pueblo.
Many black bear have lost their pensions due to
DOW cutbacks and the general state of the economy. If you can help sent a donation to Hibernation
With Dignity, Potboiler Lane, Ouray.
lunch &
Dinner
The Pickle Barrel
1304 Greene St. • Silverton, cO
387-5713 • www.thepicklebarrel.com
(closed M onda ys)
Fantasy ringworm leagues forming
now. Olathe Worm Farm.
Escape to Another Time
Found: Large box springs on the Ridge Stock
Driveway in the Uncompahgre Wilderness on
February 3. Some rust. Claim at Horseshoe office.
Ernest Hemingway masks. Great for strug
gling writers. Famous Face Boutiques.
Barcelona and Madrid.
Lost: Deluxe egg poacher on Cannibal
Plateau. If found please contact the
Wanted: Cars that need repossessed. Contact
Chicken Man of Slumgullion. Child s pet.
Pinky McCall in Denver.
Will the guilty junior high school students who
attempted to exhume the body of Juan Pizzaro
please come forward and admit wrongdoings to
loco authorities prior to next full moon. You may
know who you are already.
S erving
Fine Foo ds
&
Spirits
S ince
197 1
Open Year
rou nd
Neurosis Anonymous meets every Tuesday from 6:12 to 8:47
not from 6:14 to 8:52 as previously announced. Sorry for the
inconvenience.
10 guest rooms with private baths • relaxing Deck & Patio
Delicious Breakfast in Quiet Dining room or on Deck
wireless Internet • Inviting sitting room
312 Onarga
Street
Paonia, CO
(970) 527-6776
Dr. DeWalt s Plant Psychiatry is open for
business in Norwood. Serving ferns, exotics
For sale: 20-inch lift heels once owned by Mary
and down home shrubbery. Fruits and- veg
Pickford. Send offer to Rebecca Smith, Box 400,
etables welcome with appointment only or
[email protected]
Sunnybrook Farm, CA.
m
just walk in. Highly recommended by the
Disappointment
Valley Optimist Club.
Is there a travel agent in the house? With
all
these Englishmen stomping around the
Micro-Manage your very own funeral. Send
woods it s impossible to get any sleep
any
more. Now I see that the French trappers$35
arefor complete details to Shrimp McVey, Whatever your pleasure when you stay with us
213
back for the winter. Maybe I need a EuropeanIndian Massacre Circle, Wimpton, UT.
you stay with the best
vacation - Chief Uncas, Last of the Mohicans.
Silent partner needed for bank heist
September 30. Great pay if all goes well.
Found: Toothbrush at bottom of Blue Mesa
Must have own tools and be handy with a
under the Lake City Bridge. Bristles still brissidearm. Anonymous drifted preferred but
tling and appear to have mileage left. Claim at
will consider family man or elected official
in need. Cole Younger, Monegaw Springs,
Allegoric Overbites, Gunnison.
MO.
GO FISH ...
or ski or hike or just relax!
Former VP seeks position as roadie for heavy metal band. Dick at
the Reflecting Pool Motel.
Exhausted and burned out gold-digger, 22,
seeks stable position in honest profession.
Will consider restaurant work or livery attendant. I’ve been told I have very attractive
legs if that makes any difference to ya. Betsy
Free kitten(s) with the purchase of any used
Bilkflower, Parrot City.
car. Testosterone Brothers Motors, Manana
Overlook.
Sick of sagebrush and coyotes? British Empire
seeks to repatriate former subjects for work in
expansion of influence by force. Exotic travel to
South Africa, India and Ireland. Good pay and citizenship in a growing concern. Lord Admiral
SAN JUAN HORSESHOE
A "must read" review of refried news
www.waterwheelinnatgunnison.com
We would like to thank our advertisers for their continued
financial support. It is only through this blind allegiance
that we can keep our night staff in fashionable
wading apparel and feed them. Laundry is taken in on
Tuesdays and Thursdays only.
NO REPRINTS WITHOUT THE WRITTEN CONSENT
OF SOME LITTLE KID WITH A RED CRAYON
COPYRIGHT 1977-2009
BY Kevin J. Haley
Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427
[email protected]
800-642-1650 or 970-641-1650
2 Miles West of Gunnison next to the Trough
Custom Installation of all
Reclaimed Products
“15 Years Experience”
Specializing in low moisture, old growth
douglas fir siding, flooring, beams
and framing lumber
100%
RECYCLED
Ryan Loflin • 970-596-0723
[email protected]
www.coloradobarnwood.com
P.O. Box 1821 • Crested Butte, CO 81224

Jokerville, Colorado - This is the San Juan Horseshoe

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