Choosing a Mate

Choosing a Mate
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Ruth Breen
Born in Israel, Ruth Breen was a student at Brooklyn College in New York
when she wrote this essay.Shecame to the United Stateswith her family as
a teenagerand was married shortly thereafter.At the time she wrote this essay, she had five children.
Breen,a Hassidic Jew, tells the story of her marriage-arranged by her
family when she was seventeen.Although, as Breen says, Americans typically think of arranged marriages as a thing of the past, they are still quite
common in Orthodox Jewishcommunities.
Breenargues in this essaythat, though the view of marriage In her community seemsat odds with the "modern world's" notion of marriage founded
on romantic love, In reality her marriage and the onesshe knows In her community are not so different from "love" marriages.
Of course I wanted to get married. I also wanted to fly to the moon and to
be in a Hollywood motion picture. I was seventeen. I wanted adventure; I
wanted fun. A boy would definitely be an adventure.
And there would be whipped cream too: presents, a white gown, I, the center of attraction, blossoming with youth, astonishing with beauty. I definitely
wanted to get married. I would have no more curfew. I would buy cases and
.'
cases of orange soda. I would watch TV. anytime, any channel that I wanted. I
,'. would eat chocolates on the living room couch. I would be independent.
, ,
The "boy," whose name I couldn't remember, or was yet to know, was
studying in Israel. He would have to come to New York to meet me. But meeting me would be a final step. Before that, for three weeks, my parents were busy
investigating his background, his grades in school, his habits, his friends, his
family's history, his health-I even knew the names of his teachers in elementary
school-but I still had not seen him. There was an "executive conference" between both sets of parents to discuss who would pay for what, and who would
support us, and for how long. Then there was an "exam" that I had to passmeeting his parents. Finally, the future bridegroom arrived.
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When I saw my husband, Michael, for the first time, I thought, "So this is
the face I will see for the rest of my life; this is the father of my children." But
we still did not speak. Then we were left alone in the room. When we spoke, it
was no different than what one would expect. I told him a few jokes, he smiled.
We had'some cake. I could have said that I didn't like him, but how could I
know? He was a stranger. I could have said' that I needed more time, but my
. ~ mother was already cutting up cake for the party. I was not for_c~d,but my
" grandparents were already on the pl
.
.
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met my husband, Michael, on Saturday evening. Sunday, at noon, we were
engaged to be married. I received a diamond ring. We smiled a lot at each other.
IiI was in seventh heaven, but I didn't know him at all.
."
My story is not unique. Tens of thousands of boys and girls in Hassidic \'
communities are married that way. Did I expect love and passion? I don't remember. Did I doubt that he was the "the one"? Maybe, for an hour. Am I
happy? Yes, we are both happy. We fell in love exactly five weeks after we were
married. We went through the same initial euphorias, the same first fight, the
same delicious reconciliation-but we were already married. We grew together.
We practiced everything on each other. Eleven years have passed, and I am the
o
is not one of the terms I would use to describemy marriage.This is
C
ciate the word
with some sort of selection. To choose is to select from
hoice
not to say that I was forced into marrying my husband. It is just that I assochoice
among many, or at least, between two. It is pick out one's favorite: one's favorite
pickle from the pickles in the jar, one's favorite dress, one's favorite man. But my
husband was not picked out. I knew no other; I experienced no one else.
When people discuss arranged marriages, they usually refer to them as part
of history, gone with the crinolines and hand-kissing. I don't usually volunteer,
the fact that my marriage was officially arranged-in New York, in the eig:htie.s.
1: keep silent because trying to explain m}"community's marriage ritUals to th~
,}'Yho are accustomed to modem notions of love is useless. The cultural gap is s
great that I usually find no common ground to stand on. When it comes to love:
and marriage, Hassidic ideologies and values seem to be the very opposite of the
modem world's view.
I was two weeks past my seventeenth birthday when I was engaged to be
married. Before I met my husband, I had never spoken to "boys." My own
brother was only four years old, and my male cousins were even younger. I went
to an all-girls school. We discussed boys all the time, of course, but boys were
truly as abstract and alien as Martians. Most of our information came from the
"Romance" section in the public library.
One evening, while I was doing my homework, my father came into the
room. He told me that a matchmaker had called and offered a shiduch (an
arranged date). "Do you want to get married, Ruthie?" he asked.
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Part 3 / Families
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onlywomanMichaelhas ever touched.I wasalwa the onl one.
My parents chose for me. I will probabl choos 0 m
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Co'
f the
32 girls in my class at school, all married by arrangement. Two ar divorced.
The rest, still married, would probably fit any standard statistics of ppv or
.:'.. ., .
miserable marria ges.
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Intellectually, arranged marriages may seem a prescription for failure. J.:..motionally, arranged marriages may seem unfair, anti-love and anti-romance. In
spite of all, our couples find enough happiness to stick together. They learn to
love aJ?d desire, to bond and connect. They have candlelight dinners and secret
Breen /
Choosinga Mate
I49
"1iDyjokes. They give cards to each other and buy flowers for Sabbath. They go
- romantic vacations. They love, they lust, they fight, they leave. Their marnages are as strong and as weak as "love" marriages are. Love comes in different
; ~'S, yet people love the same allover the world, and against all odds.
1. How does Breen define "choice" in the introductory paragraph? Why is it
important that she define this word? How does her definition differ from
others we might use?
1. In paragraph 2, why does the author not usually volunteer the fact that her
marriage was officially arranged?
3. Looking at paragraphs 5 and 6, what does the author imagine marriage to
be? Do you think her images of married life are different from or similar to
those of most seventeen-year-oIds?
4. What was your reaction to the authors' description of the marriage and
courting process described in paragraphs 7 through 9?
5. Were you surprised to read that the author anticipates arranging marriages
for her own children? Why or why not?
6. What claims does Breen make about the success of arranged marriages?
Were her claims convincing to you?
W;rheWay We Are Told
{~t"~he
thesis of this essay is im?lied rath~r th~ stated directly. If you were to
~:~~~velop
a one-sentence thesIs, what mtght It be?
"? 8. Why does the author put the word boysin quotation marks (paragraph 3)?
How do the quotes indicate her feelings?
9. Looking at paragraphs 4 though 7, how does the author build up anticipation about the marriage?
'0. Analyze the tone of the writing. How does the author control the tone to
indicate how she felt before, during, and after the marriage?
II. Consider possible audiences for this essay. What kinds of attitudes was the
author anticipating on the part of her audience?
Some Subjects for Writing
.J2. "What was your initial reaction to the essay? Taking into consideration
both the author's and your own view of marriage, analyze both the benefits
and drawbacks of arranged marriages.
,A What, in your opinion, is most important in a successful marriage: love,
ph}'Sicalattraction, commitment, communication? Is marriage something
one has to "work on"?
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