To You My Friend - Healing Private Wounds

To You My Friend
If I could take your pain away
And make today like yesterday
I would my Friend
If I had the power to turn the tide
To move the hands and change the time
Back to before it all began
Yes, that’s what I would do
Oh Dear One,
My heart weeps a sad refrain
Let me help absorb the pain
And if there is any solace
In knowing your sorrow is shared
A prayer has been answered
You are not alone Dear one
We share a kinship of the heart
For I too know the pangs of woe
I’ve worn the mask of shame
Come, take my hand
Dance with me in the Holy Light
That melts away the pain
Shirley Petersen
Table of Contents
Page
2
2-To you my friend
4-Introduction
6-Define sexual abuse
6-Important five steps to healing
6-Identifing the wounds from sexual abuse
8-How long does it take to heal?
9-Understanding the affects of shame and fear
10-Sexual abuse and family dynamics
11-Healing the mind-where it all begins
12-Don’t underestimate the strength of a victim
13-What triggers memories of sexual abuse
13-Sexual abuse and health issues
13-How do I find sexual healing?
16-Why am I so emotional?
19-Explain other forms of abuse
19-Why me?
20-Should I report or confront my abuser?
21-What about God and forgiveness?
22-Tips on how to write my story
23-In conclusion
24-Books worth reading
25-Healing Private Wounds Mission Statement
25-Quotes from survivors
27-Bible Helps
29-Inspirational quotes
Introduction- by the author
If you have been a victim of sexual abuse I am so sorry for I know
you have experienced a great deal of pain and suffering. Healing
Private Wounds was created by survivors of sexual abuse and we
know the pain and confusion you are going through. Sexual abuse
affects victims in profound and often confusing ways.
You may be reading this and are not sure if the sexual abuse is the
cause of your issues and are searching to find answers. You may be a recent victim and are
devastated and need comfort. You may be in the process of pressing charges against your
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abuser and need support. You may have just remembered your abuse and are facing the
shocking reality of what happen. You may be sick and tired of all the lies, and pretending “all is
well” and are ready to face your past. Or, you may be in the winter season of your life and are
trying to lay your sexual abuse to rest before you pass on. Whatever the reason you are
reading this material, you have a good reason! You need support, answers and healing.
You undoubtedly have many unresolved issues that need attention and it is never too
late to share your story and find freedom and peace.
You need to know that you are not alone, nor are you weak or going crazy. Your thoughts,
questions and actions are “normal” for a victim. Sexual abuse has a profound negative affect
upon the victim more than a non victim can imagine. Victims need to find recovery so they will
no longer be consumed or impacted by their abuse.
Victims have ongoing difficulties because the sexual abuse was either never talked about,
confronted, reported, or because no follow up help was given to the victim. For many, the
sexual abuse became a family secret, or a secret between the victim and the abuser.
When abuse issues are ignored the victim experiences fears, rejection, confusion and
uncertainty. As the victim becomes an adult anxieties and anger usually escalate, And when
they are around their abuser they will feel unsafe, terrified, and powerless like they once were.
Unresolved issues will cause further issues. The pain is so intense for victims that they will
either have to talk about and deal with their abuse, or else they will have to cover up their pain
with alcohol, drugs, business, religion etc. to survive.
I recognize that not all victims come from dysfunctional homes. Many come from great families,
yet 90% of victims are abused by a family member. Because of that fact, I address the
dysfunction in families that often contributes to incest or sexual abuse. My job is not to condemn
families but to bring light and hope to a difficult situation.
Many victims feel they are stuck, or that things will never change, but that
is not true. Life can be better. There is a way to get past your sexual
abuse issues and find relief and peace. Your happiness is determined
by your thoughts and choices you make today, not by your past or those
who abused or perhaps neglected you. Healing is a choice and it begins
by believing what is true and then by changing the way you think and act.
The journey to find healing from sexual abuse is really a journey of self
discovery. During this time you will discover the real you which has probably
been dormant or hidden for a long time. You now have the chance to be honest
about your life. You do not have to hide the sexual abuse, or pretend it
never happened, or that all is well. You are an innocent victim and your story needed to
be told a long time ago. You were terribly wronged and have a right to tell your story. You
have no reason to be ashamed. The shame you feel belongs only to your abuser and that same
false shame has probably kept you silent. Telling your story to a safe person or group releases
the secret and the shame, and begins the healing process. The more you learn about
recovery the freer you become- and the more you want to learn. Unfortunately, many
victims never seek recovery and suffer with the consequences their whole life.
I never knew what freedom, health and love were until I took the journey to find healing. I
thought I was stuck with my life- which was a mess. My life has radically changed for the better
and that is why I have a passion to help others find healing. I do not want anyone to waste
precious years in darkness and sadness.
On your healing journey you will find courage and a voice you never knew you
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Because sexual abuse greatly attacks a victim’s self-esteem victims will often exaggerate,
become chronic liars, are over apologetic, talkative, become people pleasers or over spiritual, “a
do-gooder" or become a perfectionist hoping to gain the approval of others. Victims are
looking for acceptance for they feel insignificant and worthless and are desperate for
validation.
And because they feel unworthy and dirty some may try to become invisible, avoid looking one
in the eye, or accept a hand shake or a hug. Victims need to live by what is true rather than
how they feel for feelings are often unreliable, for they are worthy and deserve kindness,
respect and equality in relationships.
Never underestimate the strength of a victim
Victims are great people. They often are high achievers and very
conscientious workers. Victims will often pursue positions of authority
(being in control gives them a sense of self worth and security) or choose
service jobs where they can put their restlessness, experiences and
energy into helping others. Many victims are overly conscientious, and
perfectionists. Victims can also be “control freaks” and compelled to take
on more responsibility than is theirs to take. Because most victims have
huge trust issues they are suspicious of everyone, and commonly think
they are the only one they can trust to do the job. The “people pleasers” are driven to do
well, to be the very best for they need the pats on the back and recognition for their good work
to boost their low self image. Bosses love these hard workers because they will never talk back
or complain. Many sexual abuse victims suffer with “victim mentality” and believe they
deserve poor treatment and/or the extra work and will not complain. Other victims are driven to
get all they can out of life to make up for what was taken from them and for all the pain they’ve
experienced. Achievement, entertainment and busyness are how many cope. And because
most victims have sleep disorders life can be very exhausting.
What triggers memories of sexual abuse?
Recovery can be difficult because many things in daily life constantly
remind the victim of the sexual abuse. The following are common triggers.
Walking by the cologne counter at the store, body or hair odor, being
startled in the night, certain words or expressions, certain positions or touches, a
mustache or beard, places or particular rooms, seeing a hat or article of clothing,
pornography, a light turned on at night, being nude, licking an ice cream cone, taking a
shower or bath, eating gravy, certain colors, hearing someone clear their throat and deep
breathing- to name a few.
What are your triggers? Share them with someone you trust.
Recovery allows you to identify and defuse these triggers so they will not control your
life or peace anymore. Self talk will help you defuse these triggers. When triggers come
remind yourself you are an adult now and have options. You can protect yourself. You are not
that little child anymore. Face your giant. Look at it, touch it and tell yourself, “I refuse to allow
this to stop me from healing”. Take power over your triggers for you have the power within you
to conquer them.
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Sexual abuse and health issues
Sexual abuse causes many chronic, painful and life altering health
conditions. The following are common for victims.
Fibromyalgia, interstitial cystitis, pelvic and bowel inflammatory
conditions, chronic depression, chronic migraine headaches, low energy
and chronic fatigue syndrome, heart and stomach conditions, sleep
disorders, and mental illnesses such as bi-polar and disassociation
disorders. Are you struggling with some of these same health issues? Have you
connected them with your sexual abuse?
The financial burden for therapy, medical care, and medications is tremendous. The Center of
Disease and Control stated in their February 2012 news letter that the estimated financial cost
for the U.S. for one year of confirmed cases of sexual abuse, physical abuse, psychological
abuse and neglect is approximately $124 billion. Every victim experiences some level of PTSD.
We must not trivialize sexual abuse for the damaging effects from sexual abuse are much
more that non victims realize.
The great phenomenon of sexual abuse is the victim bears the pain and takes on the
shame that belongs solely to the perpetrator.
How do I heal sexually? I avoid sex like the plague.
Because sex was the arena in which you were abused it will naturally
bring great stress and conflict.
One victim stated that she was able to enjoy sex when she first got
married but as time went on sex became very difficult and even “faking it” became
impossible. Even though she loved her husband, sex was repulsive because of the flashbacks
it created, and the fact that she felt so dirty. If sex is impossible for you, be encouraged because
you can heal sexually. (There are a few lucky victims where sexual intimacy is not an issue.)
To experience sexual healing a victim needs an unselfish willing spouse. Spouses are to
be helpmates and because you cannot heal sexually by yourself, you need your spouse’s
participation to help you. When a mate refuses to get involved it tells the victim they aren’t
worth their time or attention and their rejection adds to their already low self worth. It is often
better for a victim to be single than to live with someone who does not care enough to help them
heal. Tell your spouse you need their help. Many spouses avoid getting involved because
they do not know what to say or do. Your spouse may avoid talking about your abuse
because he/she thinks it is easier on you not to talk about it. Open up and tell your mate what
you need and want from them so they can be more helpful.
One victim got very mad at her spouse for not talking more about the abuse. He was avoiding
the topic so not to hurt her. When she finally told him she needed to talk more about the sexual
abuse he immediately began asking questions and helped her work through some tough issues.
Your mate is not a mind reader so do not be angry for things he or she does not know.
Be specific in what areas you want them to do to help with. This “healing journey” is new to
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from my sight every time we made love and eventually it was gone. I also explained to my husband
what was going on in my mind as he touched me so he knew my struggles. His patience and
tenderness helped me to trust him and begin to relax. If the victim never engages in sexual intimacy
they will never find sexual healing, and they have allowed their abuser to steal a special closeness
from their marriage.”
One husband stated “The greatest feeling or high in the world is having an
orgasm with the one I love so deeply. I love my wife so much. I want her to
experience what I do.” Pray and ask God to enter your love making and to
restore it to be the beautiful experience God made it to be. God designed
sex in marriage to be pleasurable, exciting and fulfilling, not dirty, ugly or
painful.
One victim said, “I have no interest in sex, and it is not necessarily from the abuse. It is because I do
not need it or think about it. My libido is low.” If this is you, your low libido may be hormone related.
Have it checked out. Regardless, sexual healing is important for it enables you to be affectionate
and to give love freely to your spouse without flashback or feeling dirty or unlovable.
Even if you are not sexually motivated you will be free to make love to you mate and enjoy giving
them pleasure.
The most intimate form of affection is having sexual intercourse with the one you
dearly love, and giving them pleasure as you receive pleasure. Sexual healing
requires you to take the baby steps that will lead to experiencing sexual desire and
pleasures.
There are some victims who experience physical damage from their abuse which makes sex very
painful. When that is the case they need to see a doctor and perhaps have repair work done so
sexual intimacy will be possible. Lubrications and vibrators can also help the victim to relax and
enjoy sex. Do not be embarrassed to use products that might help to make sex more enjoyable.
However, do not use any form of pornography. Porn does not teach intimacy or love. It only
cheapens it and makes sex vulgar and repulsive. Porn can also cause flashbacks and nightmares for
the victim. People who use porn are “had” by the industry for they are subjected to unnatural and
sinful sexual activities which often become the viewers standards for lovemaking, and it is wrong and
NOT God’s standards. All sexual activities should be consensual, tender, respectful and private.
Because victims often do not feel they deserve a healthy loving relationship they may choose a mate
who is controlling and abusive. As they heal they will realize they are worthy of love and respect and
will begin to require that in their relationship. If a mate does not grow and change with them, the
relationship will usually end. Change is often hard for the mate for they liked their spouse the
way they were (most of the time). Change can be scary and unsettling until they see a stronger,
healthier and happier person emerge. Some victims push their mate away and believe that is the
way to protect themselves, and others will sabotage a relationship because they feel unworthy or
unable to connect at an emotional level.
One spouse said that he wanted his old wife back. He did not want her to change and
resented her going to the recovery group. He was told that changes were positive and
needed and he should support her in her recovery, and he should also be willing to
change to make their relationship better. If he did not change he could loose her.
Change is part of life regardless of the circumstances. Strong marriages evolve and
each mate needs to be willing to grow to make it strong.
All types of abuse are wrong and victims should not tolerate abusive, unhappy relationships. Victims
need to voice their concerns and learn to set limits and consequences with those who do not respect
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- Emotional abuse; being lied to, or forced to keep secrets, tricked, or mind games played on
them, told they were dirty or bad, degraded or told they were the cause of the abuse,
threatened bad things would happen to them or their family if they told or did not participate,
told they were damaged goods, unlovable, no one would want them or would believe them,
yelled at, called names, threatened with a knife or gun, deprived of love, protection, nurturing
and security.
- Physical abuse includes; bodily harm, hit, beaten, hair pulled, kicked, drugged, privates parts
damaged, abandonment, deprived of physical needs, proper shelter, nourishing food, clothing,
or medical treatment.
- Spiritual abuse; Scripture used to force submission, or to confuse the
victim, portraying a distorted view of God, told wrong information about spiritual
matters, forced to participate in unhealthy or satanic rituals, acts which hurt the
body or destroy ones faith or hope.
For those who experienced spiritual abuse, gaining faith and trust in God can be the most
difficult aspect in their recovery for many felt abandoned by God and question, “Why did God
allow it.” God did not cause the abuse. God hates sin and grieves with us. Unfortunately, for
now, evil has full reign on earth. God specializes in reversing pain so evil will not win in your life.
God is our friend and savior. Restoring your faith in God is the most important part of your
recovery, for when a victim has lost their faith they have lost all hope of fully recovering.
Without faith, a victim has to rely on their own strength to recover which is never
enough.
Each form of abuse is damaging in its self and when you add sexual abuse to the mix the
damage is compounded. Victims of sexual abuse are often numb, depressed, distant, and
suicidal. Or, they can develop risky behaviors, become promiscuous, over bearing, and have a
“don’t care attitude”. Others may become isolated, withdrawn, over spiritual, controlling or
phobic. Most victims experience insomnia and live with great fear.
Why me?
Victims struggle with the three big “Why” questions.
1-Why was I abused?
2- Why was I not protected?
3-And why did God allow it?
There are no reasons that will justify your abuse. You were wronged, and it was
evil and sin that caused you harm. You were an innocent victim trapped in
unfortunate circumstances.
A side note from the author “In my search to understand “why” I leaned that my mother was
also a victim and never dealt with her own abuse, consequently, she lived in denial about mine.
Even though she saw my father in bed with me she could not allow herself to believe anything
bad was happening. And when I asked her for help me, she told me to never talk about it.
Because my mother was not rescued she did not know how to rescue me. She was
spiritual and believed you are to forgive and never talk about offences. Her reasoning did not
help me or make sense. Her responses devastated me.
You obviously were not protected or rescued either. People and perhaps the legal or social
system let you down and caused you more pain. All for which I am so sorry. There was
absolutely nothing wrong with you. You did not deserve to be hurt. As you
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anger. If you decided to press charges get a good sexual assault lawyer and he or she will
walk you through the steps needed to begin prosecuting. To get a conviction victims need
convincing evidence.
If your abuser has died it is helpful if you write a letter to them explaining how
you feel, and list the damage and pain the abuse has caused you. You may want
to add you are moving on and are letting this go. You may need to write more
than one letter. Some victims have buried the note at their abuser’s grave site.
Others have had a grieving/letting go ceremony and burned the letter. Both can
help to bring closure to the sexual abuse.
Acknowledging the sexual abuse, the depth of pain it has caused, and grieving over what was
lost is very necessary to heal. Give yourself grieving time and understand grieving can affect
your emotional and physical health. Grieving is exhausting and can deplete your energy. Once
the grieving time is over you will be able to arise and begin to see the possibilities of a new
future ahead for you. There is a time to mourn and a time to dance! Relief eventually comes.
It is interesting to note that in an unhealthy family system, the victim is usually the first
to seek help, the closest to the truth, and the healthiest in the family.
What about God and forgiveness?
Faith is a powerful healing factor and each victim needs to have faith their life will
be better. An important turn in a victim’s recovery is when they can turn
towards our loving creator God and surrender the whole mess to God; when
they can finally lay their shame and burdens down at his feet and pick up the
wisdom, peace and grace God offers. Following God’s principles for healing
which are laid out in the Bible, and allowing God to do what we cannot, allows the
victim to experience the miracles they need to heal. We all need to get GOD in
our being and allow God to heal us from the inside out from all of life’s
hurts.
Victims need to believe the abuse was not their fault and that recovery is in their grasp. They do
not have to remain in a state of hopelessness and self loathing. Recovery is a process of
discovery about themselves. The more a victim can learn about their situation and their family
history, the easier it is for them to put the abuse behind them. Incest is often a generational sin.
This does not excuse it but it helps to understand where it came from and often takes the burden
of guilt off the victim. Many were set up from birth to experience sexual abuse.
One of the toughest hurdles for victims to overcome is to forgive their abuser and/or
those who did not protect them. Many believe if they forgive it means their abuse was
not important or serious enough to hold on to ill feelings. Just the opposite is true. It is so
significant and damaging they need to let it go before their hate and anger destroys
them. The world does not always understand the importance of forgiving and may
encourage the victim to never forgive. But those who have experienced the freedom
and peace forgiving gives can testify to the power in it. Forgiveness is vital for recovery it
releases the power their abuser has over them and allows them to heal.
One victim stated “I can’t forgive him for then I can’t be angry at him anymore. If I forgive what do I
do with my anger?” Anger from sexual abuse is very appropriate. We should all be very angry
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he is doing in your life. Put praise music on and sing, and fill your life with positive people.
A victim’s worse regret
One of the most painful realizations for a victim is when she or he becomes aware
of how their abuse has affected the parenting of their children. Most victims are
relationally handicapped and did not know how to bond or relate on an emotional
level with their children. If they were not properly nurtured and protected they did
not know how to nurture and protect their children. Healing allows the victim to
grow up and to improve in many areas of their life. Victims need to know it is never too late to
change and be a strong loving parent to their children. Author Maya Angelo states, “You do what
you do because you know what you know. But when you know better you do better!” Victims
should not condemn themselves forever for they did the best they could at the time, nor should they
give up hope on restoring relationships with their children. They need to forgive themselves and work
at getting healthy. One victim said she asked her children to forgive her for not being the mom they
deserved and that she loves them so much she is getting healthy to prove her love for them. Your
children should be told about your sexual abuse. It will educate them about sexual abuse and
possibly help them to understand your behaviors better.
Tips on how to write my story
Healing requires you to share your story with a trustworthy person or group. You need to tell someone about
your life and the pain you are experiencing. If you do not have anyone to talk to Healing Private Wounds
wants to hear your story. The following four suggestions will help you get started. Begin by writing a line, a
paragraph, or page or two about each topic. Do not be overly concerned about good grammar, typing or hand
writing. Share honestly from your heart.
1. Your life before the sexual abuse began. Include information about your family, siblings and
where you were born and lived.
2. The dark period when you experienced sexual abuse. What age were you? And how long did
it last. What all happened. Include naming your abusers and tell how the abuse made you
feel and what the abuse caused you to do. Include how the abuse ended. You may not
remember everything and that is OK. Just write what you remember.
3. Tell about your life now, what you are going through, how you are thinking and feeling.
4. Write about how you want your life to be and what you want your future to be like. Write
about your dreams and wishes.
You can email your story to [email protected] or send it to Healing Private Wounds PO Box
854 Cadillac, MI 49601. One of our volunteers ( a sexual abuse survivor) will read it and will respond back
to you. Be sure to include a return address and email address if you have one. HPW is here to help you
heal and will be praying for you.
Also, four activities that will help with anxiety are, 1) color 2) read and watch things that make you
laugh hard 3) listen to calming music, 4) repeat positive statements and pray.
What can I expect as I heal?
The healing process brings a freedom you have never known. It is awesome and
transforming for it allows the victim to grow into the person God created them to be- free
from the burdens of the past, yet, wiser and better because of them. The tools and
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lessons victims learn on their healing journey help them to “survive and conquer” other challenges in
life, for surely more will come.
As you heal you will find you are more authentic, confident, have more energy and love to give. You
are more transparent, intuitive, companionate, and more faith driven. As stated at the beginning,
recovery is really finding the real you. You are a great person and very loveable. Run with your new
life and make it count.
One man stated, “My recovery completely changed my life. I am free to be myself. I am a new
person. I like myself and I’m am shame free. Recovery saved my life, and the friendships I’ve made
on my journey are priceless.”
In Conclusion
Victims who choose to heal are incredible people. They are courageous and
strong for they take on challenges most refuse to tackle. It takes “guts” to admit
to being a victim, and to pick up the pieces of a shattered life and make something
valuable from it. I am proud to be associated with survivors and consider many of
them to be my closest friends. I can count on them to be authentic and trustworthy.
They have my back and I have theirs. We know how low one can feel and how great
freedom feels and we celebrate our recovery. Life is good. God is good!
I have taken the time to write this booklet because I want every victim to experience the peace and
freedom I have found. I never think of my abuse anymore except when I help another victim to
recover. Healing gave me back my childhood for I can now revisit it and remember the fun times. Not
all was bad. I thank God for his grace and love. My healing is a gift from God. Jesus came to teach
us “the way” so we could overcome the world and experience life “abundantly”. No one
should remain a victim.
God continues to make good come out of evil by working in the hearts of others. Because of my
abuse Healing Private Wounds was formed. HPW’s two emphases are recovery and sexual abuse
prevention education. If you would like to join our causes please contact me. We welcome and need
your support to help us become a strong force and to shine a light so others can find their way out of
the darkness. Thanks for taking the time to read this booklet. I hope it has been helpful.
Written by Shirley Jo Petersen, Founder and Director of Healing Private Wounds
Author of “The Whisper” and “Love Me Like A Child”
Retired public health nurse and incest survivor.
References
www.prevent-abuse-now.com/stats
www.fbi.gov/stats
www.childwelfare.gov/statistics
www.usgov.org/stats
Email comments to [email protected]
Or write to
Shirley Petersen
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1105 Sunset Lane, Cadillac, MI 49601
231-775-6804
HPW’s offers counseling services to victims and families
Have a question? Need to talk to a counselor? Call Teri Fall 231-667-0388
Books worth reading
Approval Addiction-Joyce Meyer
Bad Childhood, Good Life- by Laura Sleenger
Beauty For Ashes- by Joyce Meyers
Boundaries- by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Boundaries face to face-by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Deceived by Shame-Desired by God-by Cynthia Spell Humbert
I Am a Child, Love Me Like a Child-by Shirley Jo Petersen
Reframe Your Life- by Stephen Arterburn
Secrets of the Heart-by Sandra Burdick and Dorie VanStone
Sheet Music- by Kevin Leman
The Battlefield of the Mind-by Joyce Meyer
The Haunted Marriage- by Clark Barshinger and Lojan La Rowe
The Whisper- by Shirley Petersen
The Holy Bible
Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can-by Caroline Myss
This material is © Healing Private Wounds 2012
For permission to copy contact:
Healing Private Wounds
1105 Sunset Lane
Cadillac, MI 49601
231- 775- 6804
For more information visit
www.healingprivatewounds.org
Healing Private Wounds Mission statement
The Mission of Healing Private Wounds is to be an advocate for the health and welfare of all victims of
sexual abuse. We do this by providing faith inspired programs, counseling, services and education that
will promote health and wholeness to victims and their families. We also provide Sexual Abuse
Awareness and Prevention Education to stop sexual abuse from reaching our next generation.
Quotes from survivors
“Once I was able to let my shame go I became a new person. I did not know I was caring such a
heavy weight until it was gone. It’s great to be free! I can’t stop smiling.” Pam P.
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“People need to know the full extent of what victims struggle with, and I appreciate you letting them
know. Sexual abuse affects every area of your life!” Janice T.
“I think victims need to know they have the choice to heal. I have met fellow victims who do not want
to let go of hate. They do not understand it is in “letting go” that we are set free. We need to choose
to let our pain go to heal.” Alisha A.
“I always blamed myself for my disastrous life. I did not know sexual abuse was at the root of it.
What a relief to know there were reasons for my behaviors and stupid choices. I’m learning to do
better.” Barbra S.
“Your information on grieving interested me. I did not know I needed to grieve my abuse to heal.
You helped me identify what I needed to grieve. I don’t minimize my abuse anymore.” Donna K.
“I hated my body and always felt so dirty because of the sexual abuse. Thank you for reminding me
that I am still lovely and beautiful and the abuse didn’t take that away from me. I am starting to own
my body and take better care of myself.” Lonnie G.
“What saddened me most is when I realized how much the abuse had hindered my parenting. I did
not know how to love my children because of my dysfunctional home and the incest. Healing Private
Wounds gave me hope for you reminded me it is never too late to begin rebuilding relationships with
my children.” Nancy K.
“I think love is the key to healing, unconditional, committed love. I never had it so I did not know
what love was until I learned about it from you.” Sasha T.
“Healing Private Wounds was the greatest thing that ever happens to me. I did not know what
freedom was until I took the journey to free myself. Thanks for your support.” Eric S.
“For over 40 years I tried to heal by myself. You are right, you can’t heal on your own. Without your
support I wouldn’t be here. I had given up on life. Thanks for being there for me.”
Elizabeth H.
“Thank you for restoring my faith in humanity for I believed everyone was out to hurt me.”
Larry M.
“Healing Private Wounds gave me my self worth and voice back. I can now say “No” and mean it. I
can stand up for myself. I will never be a victim again.” Paula R.
“Sexual abuse stole so much. Thank you for helping me get it back!” Sheila D.
“I want to thank you for giving me my faith back. I always blamed God instead of those who did evil
for my abuse. We all have choices, and some choose to hurt. I learned to put the blame where it
belongs.”
Penny H.
“Your information on how to help your spouse heal from sexual abuse gave me great insight. I felt
so helpless and did not know where to start. Thanks.” Roger L.
“I always thought I was stuck with my “low” life until I realized I had choices and a second chance at
life. Thank you for the “jump start” I needed.” Amy P.
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“I always felt so alone. I did not know anyone who went through what I did until I found Healing
Private Wounds. Thank you for having the courage to tell your story and begin the recover groups.
I’m not alone anymore and I’ve made real friends who know how I feel.” Sara H.
“The greatest thing I learned on my recovery journey is I have value. I deserve respect and a great
life. The abuse did not make me any less deserving.” Linda W.
“In recovery I learned what real love is. And I learned to love myself. I am much more picky now who
I date.” Connie A.
“Recovery frees you to be all you were created to be.” Donna P.
“I want every victim to know the sexual abuse was not their fault! Nor, was their response to the
abuse. Kids do not cause sexual abuse nor can they stop it. Kids want attention not sex.”
Tami K.
“People have reasons to hurt and greater reasons to heal.” Liz T.
“Tell Children about sexual abuse and that they have a right to say “no”. Incest was “the norm” in my
family. I feel horrible for what was done to me and for what I did to others. Thank you for explaining
“Grace”. I am learning to forgive myself.” Tina C.
“For years I hid behind spirituality believing I was strong because I kept my secret in and let no one
help me but God. Then I learned that God uses others to help us heal. And we are supposed to
share our burdens with one another, love one another, and confess our sins one to another so we
can be healed. Now that is true spirituality.” Norma D.
“I’ve learned that it is not what was done to you that matters but what you do with it. The best thing I
have done with my story is to help another share theirs and become free.” Debbie M.
“I am so thankful for your help with “Sexual healing”. My husband thanks you too. I thought I’d
never be able to make love again.” Susan H.
“The first thing a victim needs to do is to find a safe person or group and tell their story. It was the
hardest thing I have ever done but also the best thing for it began the healing process.” Shirley P.
“The information on “how to help your child heal from sexual abuse” was extremely helpful. I did not
know where to begin. It helped both my child and I to begin to heal.” Bonnie D.
“I used to pick all the bad guys. Now I know why and I’m learning to pick better.” Kim L.
“If you keep your secret in you will never heal. In fact, dark secrets will destroy you. They drain you
will make you sick. I’ve learned confession is GOOD for the soul.” Dan B
“My sexual abuse left me feeling I didn’t deserve a good man or a good life. I learned that we need to
go by what is true not our feelings for feelings are often unreliable.” Sara M.
“My advice is, life is too short to hang on to hate and that includes self hate. Learn to forgive and that
includes you. ” Willy B
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“I wish I had found you sooner. I wasted so many years. Thank you for restoring my dignity and
giving me my life back!” Lisa B.
“You were a victim. It was not your fault!” Jim P.
Bible Helps
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed.”
Psalms 34:17-18
“I have loved you with an everlasting love. Therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you.”
Jeremiah 31:3
“God will do what is right. He will give trouble to those who troubled you. And he will give rest to you
who are troubled.” 2 Thessalonians 1:6-7
“Don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you
strong and will help you. I will support you….I am the Lord your God who holds your right hand and I
tell you, don’t be afraid. I will help you.” Isaiah 41:10-13
“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better
for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the
sea. Matthew 18:5-7
“I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future. When you
call my name and pray to me I will listen to you. …When you search for me with your whole heart,
you will find me.” Jeremiah 29:11
“Anxiety in the heart causes depression. But a good word makes it glad.” Proverbs 12:25
“For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, nor hidden what will not be known.” Luke 12:2
“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21
“Know the truth and the truth will set you free!” John 8:32
“If you hide your sins, you will not succeed. If you confess and reject them, you will receive mercy.”
Proverbs 28:13
“Don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a
time.” Matthew 6:34
“The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.” Psalms 29:11
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of
all comfort.” 2 Corinthians 1:2-4
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“God’s love never ends; his mercies never stop….The Lord is good to those who hope in him, to
those who seek him.” Lamentations 3:22-25
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father
in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:24-26
“God who has begun a good work in you will complete it.” Philippians 1:6
“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7
“Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will
not be judged but has crossed over from death to life.” John 5:23-25
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good
news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, Isaiah 61:1-3
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with
hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:12-14
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:6-8
The LORD their God will save his people on that day as a shepherd saves his flock. They will
sparkle in his land like jewels in a crown. Zechariah 9:15-17
He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth; he saves them from the clutches of the powerful.
Job 5:14-16
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for
joy, and with my song I praise him. Psalm 28:6-8
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and
put their trust in him. Psalm 40:2-4
“He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:1-3
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him, Nahum 1:6Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways
acknowledge him and he will direct your ways. Proverbs 3:4-6
Moreover, the Father judges no one, but has entrusted all judgment to the Son, Matthew 7:2
For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be
measured to you. Matthew 7:1-3
My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.
1 Corinthians 4:3-5
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Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light
what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive
their praise from God. 1 Corinthians 4:4-6
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.
Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:36-38
“God will do what is right. He will give trouble to those who troubled you. And he will give rest to you
who are troubled.” 2 Thessalonians 1:6-7
“Don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you
strong and will help you. I will support you….I am the Lord your God who holds your right hand and I
tell you, don’t be afraid. I will help you.” Isaiah 41:10-13
Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your
mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbors as
yourself.” Matthew 22:37-39
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall
not parish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
Inspiring Quotes
We were created to overcome adversities, not to be overcome by them!
A personal journey is about self discovery, being able to put
words to reality, pulling truth from darkness so you can move
forward into a healthy bright tomorrow.
Life has taught me that all things are mentionable, for anything
mentionable is then manageable.
Anything you hide has power over you.
“You can’t conquer what
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you won’t confront. “ Paula
White
Admitting you are weak is a sign of strength.
Admitting you need help is a sign of hope.
Admitting you need God is a sign of wisdom.
Healing begins in the mind with a yearning, a
dream, or a wish for things to be better.
Follow that dream. It was planted for a
reason.
You are judged not for your mistakes but rather your response to them.
It hurts to get free but it hurts even more to stay
a prisoner to the pain you’re in.
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To get to anywhere you have to
start from where you are at.
Your world gets better when you take care of you, when you get healthy and leave your baggage behind, but
not until.
God is waiting to help. God loves you and wants to be a participant in your life
not just a spectator.
I declare that this will be a new beginning for you and
that you will have the determination and courage you
need to move forward and make your life your dream.
This is your time!
“You do what you do because you know
what you know.
When you know better you do better.”
Maya Angelo
“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love
and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7
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Remember you are loved!
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