When You Grow Up In a Dysfunctional Family

When You Grow Up In a Dysfunctional Family
by George A. Boyd © 1992
When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you experience trauma and pain from your parents'
actions, words, and attitudes. Because of this trauma you experienced, you grew up changed,
different from other children, missing important parts of necessary parenting that prepare you for
adulthood, missing parts of your childhood when you were forced into unnatural roles within
your family. For some of you, it has led you to attempt to flee the pain of your past by alcohol or
drug use. Others of you feel inexplicably compelled to repeat the abuses that were done to you
on your own children or with your own spouse. Others of you have felt inner anxiety or rage, and
don't know why you feel as you do.
You were innocent, and your life was changed dramatically by forces in your family you had no
control over, and now you are an adult survivor of that trauma. This article will discuss what
these families are like, what is the impact of growing up in these families, and what you can do
to begin the process of healing.
Roles Within Dysfunctional Families
A dysfunctional family is one in which the relationships between the parents and children are
strained and unnatural. This is usually because one of the family members has a serious problem
that impacts every other member of the family, and each member of the family feels constrained
to adapt atypical roles within the family to allow the family as a whole to survive.
The spouse in this family may enable the problem spouse to maintain employment by lying for
him or her, for example. He or she may become obsessive about the problem spouse's abnormal
behavior, such that he or she loses perspective in his or her own life, a pattern that is called
codependency. Sharon Wegscheider referred to this family role in alcoholic families as that of
the Enabler.1
The children also assume roles within the family to make up for the deficiencies of parenting.
Sharon Wegscheider referred to these roles within the alcoholic family as the Hero, the
Scapegoat, the Lost Child, and the Mascot.2
The Enabler protects and takes care of the problem spouse, whom Sharon Wegscheider refers to
as the Dependent, 3 so that the Dependent is never allowed to experience the negative
consequences of his or her actions. While the Enabler feels angry and resentful about the extra
burden that is placed upon him or her by the Dependent's unhealthy, irresponsible and antisocial
behavior, he or she may feel powerless to do anything about it. The Enabler feels he or she must
act this way, because otherwise, the family might not survive. While the family is afforded
survival by the Enabler's responsibility, the Enabler may pay the cost of stress-related illness,
and never have his or her own needs met, in effect, being a martyr for the family. The
paradoxical thing about the Enabler's behavior is that by preventing the Dependent's crisis, he or
she also prevents the painful, corrective experience that crisis brings, which may be the only
thing that makes the Dependent stop the downward spiral of addiction.
Page 1 of 25
The Hero, who is usually the oldest child, is characteristically over-responsible and an overachiever. The Hero allows the family to be reassured that it is doing well, as it can always look
to the achievements of the oldest son or daughter as a source of pride and esteem. While the
Hero may excel in school, be a leader on the football team or a cheerleader, or obtain wellpaying employment, inwardly he or she is suffering from painful feelings of inadequacy and
guilt, as nothing he or she does is good enough to heal his family's pain. The Hero's compulsive
drive to succeed may in turn lead to stress-related illness, and compulsive over-working. The
Hero's qualities of appeasement, helpfulness and nurturing of his or her parents may cause others
outside the family to remark upon the child's good character, and obtains him or her much
positive attention. But inwardly, the Hero feels isolated, unable to express his or her true feelings
or to experience intimate relationship, and is often out of touch with his or her own sources of
spirituality.
The Scapegoat, who is often the second born, characteristically acts out in anger and defiance,
often behaving in delinquent ways, but inwardly he or she feels hurt in that the family's attention
has gone to the Dependent or the Hero, and he or she has been ignored. The Scapegoat's poor
performance in school, experimentation with drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous sexuality,
flaunting of the conventions of society, or involvement in adolescent gangs or criminal activity
may lead him or her to be labeled the family's problem, drawing attention away from the
Dependent's addiction. This behavior can also be seen as a cry for help, and it is often the
delinquency of the Scapegoat that leads the entire family into treatment. The acting out behavior
of the Scapegoat may bring with it substance abuse or addiction to alcohol or drugs, early
pregnancy for which he or she is not prepared, or incarceration. The hostile and irresponsible
attitude of the Scapegoat may lead him or her into accidents, or acts of violence against others or
self. The attitude of defiance may lead him or her to do poorly in school, effecting future
employment and the opportunity to earn an adequate income. The Scapegoat's cleverness and
manipulation may be used to engage in leadership of peer groups, or in the invention of schemes
of dubious legality, or outright criminality, to earn a livelihood. Though the Scapegoat may
develop social skills within his or her circle of peers, the relationships he or she experiences tend
to be shallow and inauthentic. The Scapegoat, cast in the role of a rebel, may have lost touch
with his spiritual potentials and morality, as well.
The Lost Child role is characterized by shyness, solitariness, and isolation. Inwardly, he or she
feels like an outsider in the family, ignored by parents and siblings, and feels lonely. The Lost
Child seeks the privacy of his or her own company to be away from the family chaos, and may
have a rich fantasy life, into which he or she withdraws. The Lost Child often has poor
communication skills, difficulties with intimacy and in forming relationships, and may have
confusion or conflicts about his or her sexual identity and functioning. These children may be
seen to seek attention by getting sick, asthma, allergies, or by bed-wetting. Lost Children may
attempt to self-nurture by overeating, leading to problems with obesity, or to drown their sorrows
in alcohol or drug use or other obsessive-compulsive behaviors. The solitude of a Lost Child may
be conducive to the development of his or her spirituality and creative mental pursuits, if low
self-esteem does not shut down all efforts at achievement. The Lost Child often has few
friendships, and commonly has difficulty finding a marriage partner. Instead, he or she may
attempt to find comfort in his or her material possessions, or a pet. This pattern of escape may
Page 2 of 25
also lead him or her to avoid seeking professional help, and so may remain stuck in his or her
social isolation.
The Mascot role is manifested by clowning and hyperactivity. The Mascot, often the youngest
child, seeks to be the center of attention in the family, often entertaining the family and making
everyone feel better through his or her comedy and zaniness. The Mascot, in turn, may be
overprotected and shielded from the problems of life. Inwardly, the Mascot experiences intense
anxiety and fear, and may persist in immature patterns of behavior well into adulthood. Instead
of dealing with problems, the Mascot may run away from them by changing the subject or
clowning. The Mascot uses fun to evoke laughter in his or her circle of friends, but is often not
taken seriously or is subjected to rejection and criticism. The Mascot commonly has difficulty
concentrating and focusing in a sustained way on learning, and may develop learning deficits as
a result. The Mascot also may fear turning within or looking honestly at his or her feelings or
behavior, so he or she may be out of touch with his or her inner feelings, and his or her
spirituality. The frenetic social activity that the Mascot expresses is in fact often a defense
against his or her intense inner anxiety and tension. The inability to cope with the inner fear and
tension leads many Mascots to believe they are going crazy. If this inner anxiety and desperation
is not addressed, it is not uncommon that a Mascot may slip deeper into mental illness, become
chemically dependent, or even commit suicide.
A special case is the only child. An only child in an alcoholic family may take on parts of all of
these roles, playing them simultaneously or alternately, experiencing overwhelming pain and
confusion as a result.
Sharon Wegscheider notes that the longer a person plays a role, the more rigidly fixed he or she
becomes in it. Eventually, family members "become addicted to their roles, seeing them as
essential to their survival and playing them with the same compulsion, delusion and denial as the
Dependent plays his [or her] role as drinker." 4
Types of Dysfunctional Families
Dr. Janet Kizziar characterizes four types of "troubled family systems," which are "breeding
grounds for codependency:" 5
The Alcoholic or Chemically Dependent Family System
The Emotionally or Psychologically Disturbed Family System
The Physically or Sexually Abusing Family System
The Religious Fundamentalist or Rigidly Dogmatic Family System
Codependency expresses in these dysfunctional families through the typical strategies of
minimizing, projection, intellectualizing and denial. Minimizing acknowledges there may be a
problem, but makes light of it. Projection blames the problem on others, and may appoint a
scapegoat to bear the family's shame. Intellectualizing tries to explain the problem away,
Page 3 of 25
believing that by offering a convenient excuse or explanation, the problem will be resolved.
Denial demands that other people and as well as the self believes, there is no problem.
The patterns of codependency can emerge from any family system where the overt and covert
rules close its members off from the outside world. These family systems discourage healthy
communication of issues and feelings between themselves, destroy the family members' ability
to trust themselves and to trust another in an intimate relationship, and freeze family members
into unnatural roles, making constructive change difficult. Rules that encourage the unnatural
patterns of relating in these codependent family systems include:

Don't talk about problems

Don't express feelings openly or honestly

Communicate indirectly, through acting out or sulking, or via another family member

Have unrealistic expectations about what the Dependent will do for you

Don't be selfish, think of the other person first

Don't take your parents as an example, "do as I say, not as I do"

Don't have fun

Don't rock the boat, keep the status quo

Don't talk about sex

Don't challenge your parent's religious beliefs or these family rules
The dysfunctional family dynamics engendered by these unrealistic and restrictive rules leads to
unfulfilling relationships as adults. This leads, Dr. Kizziar believes, to the symptomatic
characteristics of codependency in adult relationship styles, marked by

Difficulty in accurately identifying and expressing feelings

Problems in forming and maintaining close, intimate relationships

Higher than normal prevalence of marrying a person from another dysfunctional family
or a person with active alcoholism or addiction

Perfectionism, having unrealistic expectation of self and others, and being too hard on
oneself

Rigidity in behavior and attitudes, having an unwillingness to change
Page 4 of 25

Having a resistance to adapting to change, and fearful of taking risks

Feeling over-identified or responsible for others' feelings or behavior

Having a constant need for approval or attention from others to feel good about
themselves

Awkwardness in making decisions, feel terrified of making mistakes, and may defer
decision-making to others

Feeling powerless and ineffective, like whatever they do does not make a difference

Exaggerated feelings of shame and worthlessness, and low self-esteem

Avoiding conflict at any price, and will often repress their own feelings and opinions to
keep the peace

Apprehension over abandonment by others

Acting belligerently and aggressively to keep others at a distance

Tendencies to be impatient and over-controlling

Failure to take properly care of themselves because of their absorption in the needs and
concerns of other people, and acting like martyrs, living for others instead of for oneself
Dread of the expression of their own anger, and will do anything to avoid provoking another
person. The particular expression of these codependent traits by each individual is often a
function of the type of family in which a child grows up. For example, Dr. Janet G. Woititz6
recognizes the following 13 traits that are characteristic of adults who grew up in a family where
alcoholism was present.

Adult children of alcoholics

Guess at what normal behavior is

Have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end

Lie, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth

Judge themselves without mercy

Have difficulty having fun

Take themselves very seriously
Page 5 of 25


Have difficulty with intimate relationships
Overreact to changes over which they have no control

Constantly seek approval and affirmation

Usually feel they are different than other people

Are super responsible or super irresponsible

Are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence the loyalty is undeserved

Are impulsive, and tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious
consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences.
In Authoritarian families, whose members may be subjected to inflexible religious values or a
black-and-white, one-dimensional view of the universe by a dominant parent, Dr. Janet Kizziar7
believes may be subject to the following problems.

They suffer from a frozen identity state, dominated by oppressively strict moral values.

Their feelings become cut off from beliefs, and they no longer are certain what they
really feel.

The members experience great difficulty in thinking and deciding for themselves, as
dogma or parental authority overshadows free choice and independent thinking.

They have discomfort sharing honestly about their past, as they believe they must
continually pretend they are living up to the ideal held up to them by their authoritarian
parents.
Children who grew up in families where they were victims of incest show a variety of
psychological, behavioral, and interpersonal issues.


Psychologically, they suffer from sleep and eating disorders, fears and phobias, recurring
nightmares, dissociative reactions, depression, anxiety and hysterical reactions, have low
self-esteem, believe they are polluted or inferior, and feel intense guilt, fear, shame, and
anger.

Behavioral consequences include school problems, truancy, delinquency, running away
from their families, prostitution, promiscuity, and higher rates of suicide attempts, and
completed suicides.

Interpersonally, they have difficulty trusting others, and they are more likely to physically
and sexually abuse their own children, and are more likely to be sexually victimized.8
Some adults experience difficulties with adult sexual adjustment, and nearly half show
decreased sexual drive after childhood sexual abuse. 9
Page 6 of 25
So intense are some of the reactions to growing up in these families, that Dr. Timmen L. Cermak
believes they are similar to "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" experienced by survivors of
disasters or wars, such as VietNam Veterans. These happen to people who chronically live
through or with events "outside of range of what is considered normal human experience." War
veterans and adults growing up in dysfunctional families, without warning, may re-experience
feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that were present during the original traumatic event. These reimmerging painful feelings are newly triggered by environmental stimuli. 10 Dr. Cermak notes,
"for children from chemically dependent families, the trigger can be almost anything...the sound
of ice clinking in a glass, an expression of anger or criticism, arguing, the sensation of losing
control.11
Another symptom of stress disorder is psychic numbing, which Dr. Cermak describes as
suspending feelings in favor of taking steps to ensure personal safety, or splitting between one's
self and experience — disconnecting from feelings in order to survive. 12
Survivors of trauma also experience hyper-vigilance, an inability to feel comfortable unless they
are continually monitoring their environment. Cermak relates they "remained on edge, always
expecting the worst, unable to trust or feel safe again."13
Finally, survivors of trauma, veterans of a war, or children from chemically dependent families,
feel survivor guilt.14 "Whenever they experience the fullness that life has to offer, they
immediately feel as if they are betraying those who never had the chance. It seems somehow
wrong to go away and be healthy when those that are left behind are still suffering."15
Healthy Families, Unhealthy Families
Codependency is transmitted through family learning, and family members come to believe that
these distorted patterns of relating are normal. As the family is the primary arena of socialization,
children growing up in these families are ill equipped to deal with the demands of the larger
world outside the family home. They are often saddled with inadequate coping skills, distorted
perceptions of what is appropriate behavior, and unrealistic expectations of the behavior of other
people.
To heal these dysfunctional patterns of relating, the codependent adult must get in touch with the
"inner child", the real self within. This part of us is alive, energetic, creative, and capable of
seeing things as they really are. The inner child can love others unconditionally, and can tell the
truth.
In contrast, the codependent, "false self" feels uncomfortable, strained and inauthentic in relating
to other people. It acts to cover up, deny and withhold genuine feelings, and inhibits
spontaneous, "natural" or playful behavior. It may develop a negative attitude toward self or
others that is envious, critical, blaming, shaming and perfectionistic. It tends to be other-oriented,
focused on what it believes others think it should be or others want it to be. It is capable of only
conditional love, rewarding others only if they conform to its inner values of what is right and
wrong.
Page 7 of 25
Codependency is generated in emotionally disturbed family systems by inconsistent,
unpredictable, and crazy parenting styles. In physically and sexually abusive family systems,
codependency is related to the violation of personal boundaries. Victims of abuse fear that the
violation may reoccur at any time, and also experience an invasion of their self-respect--they
cannot control their own bodies, and their choices and desires are not respected. In alcoholic and
drug using family systems, codependency arises as a result of the unpredictable behavior of the
substance abuser, and the stresses it places on the other members of the family. In
fundamentalist, dogmatic families, codependency is created by over-control and excessive
regimentation.
In a healthy family system, family members openly acknowledge their problems, discuss them
openly, and work toward change. They believe change is acceptable, and actively solicit
workable solutions from other family members. Children in these families are free to express
their needs and wants. Family members can talk about feelings and traits in themselves that they
feel should be changed: shame and embarrassment do not immobilize them. There is permission
to express appropriate anger. The adults of the family model healthy, congruent behavior for
their children: what they tell their children to do and what they themselves do, match.
Families function to provide the following needs for their members:

Maintenance, the provision of food, clothes, shelter, and health care

Nurturance, the granting of safety, security, warmth, and a sense of "home”

Inclusion, the fulfilling of love and belongingness needs

Privacy, respect for each member's autonomy and separateness

Esteem, the bestowing of a sense of worth and personal value on its members

Understanding, the agreed upon right of members to make mistakes and learn from them

Recreation, the opportunity to have fun together

Spirituality, the permission to develop a relationship with a Higher Power, to have
meaning and purpose in life.
To the degree that these functions of the family are eclipsed by dysfunction of one or more of its
members and by the codependency that derives from this, to that degree will the ability of its
members to successfully cope with life in the world outside the family be diminished.
Dr. Janet Kizziar sees that the family roles embody these functions of family, albeit in a distorted
way. The Enabler provides for Nurturance needs, and may ensure Maintenance needs as well,
if the Dependent is incapacitated. The Hero brings Esteem to the family; the Scapegoat,
mistakes, so that the individual and family derive Understanding and learn from them; the Lost
Child, Privacy; and the Mascot, Recreation, the spirit of fun and comic relief. She also points
Page 8 of 25
out three other roles that appear in some dysfunctional families, that of the "Princess" or "Little
Man," the "Doer" and that of the "Family Priest".
The Princess or Little Man is the child that is cast in the role of the family favorite. This family
member is often subject to emotional, or covert incest, becoming a substitute spouse for the
opposite sex parent. As a result, this family member never gets his or her needs met. The
Princess or Little Man is not allowed to be a child, as he or she must always be available to
service the needs of mother and father. Children who are pressed into this role often attract
sexually and physically abusive partners in their adult relationship as they never form proper
boundaries. This child often embodies the Inclusion, or love and belongingness needs of the
family.
The Doer is often cast as the breadwinner, the caretaker for the family, furnishing its
Maintenance needs. He or she tends to be over-responsible, yet is saddled with guilt, feeling
that he or she never does enough. The result of this labor of love on behalf of the family that
takes up all of the Doer's time and strength is that he or she often feels fatigued, tired, lonely,
unappreciated and empty. The family does not acknowledge the Doer for what he or she
accomplishes. The Doer may become workaholic, deriving his or her personal satisfaction and
self-respect from employment. Doers may attempt to meet their needs for love and
belongingness, esteem and actualization outside the family, which is perceived as a place of
tension and misery.
The Family Priest is cast in the role of embodying the family's spirituality. This family member
is denied sexuality, and is expected to abide by the strictest codes of morality or virtue. The
family expectation for this member is that he or she will take vows, and become a monk or nun,
a priest, rabbi, minister, or sannyasin/sannyasini, renouncing the world, and living for God and
service to humanity. If this family member refuses to assume this role, he or she may be treated
as if they are worthless, a family pariah or scapegoat.
In a healthy family, members are not cast into rigid roles. Instead of pressing each member to
embody a role to fulfill only one family function, each member is giving the opportunity to
experience each of the family roles.
As a result, they incorporate positive adult and parental modes of functioning. They are able to
maintain themselves and their own families. They are able to give and receive nurturing. They
are able to establish a network of intimate and friendship relationships in which they can
experience love and belongingness. They have the capacity to function autonomously and to take
initiative; they have self-respect and can respect the values and boundaries of others. They can
accept their own mistakes and learn from them. They have the capacity to laugh and have fun.
They have a relationship with their Higher Power, a source of inner meaning, strength, and hope.
A Question of Boundaries
In dysfunctional families, parents violate the boundaries of their children. Parents from these
families do not respect their children's personal freedom and privacy, they discount their
children's feelings, do not honor their attempts at independent thinking and decision-making, and
Page 9 of 25
do not allow them to experience their impulses toward creativity, spirituality and self
actualization. These deficits in the children's development are revisited by problems in their adult
relationships and careers, and with raising their own families.
When parents disrespect a child's boundaries, the child's sense of self—his or her autonomy, selfrespect, feelings of effectiveness and of making a difference—are compromised. In place of a
healthy sense of self, children may come to feel they are "damaged goods": unworthy, inferior,
inherently bad, incompetent, stupid, or ugly. This negative conditioning limits what they believe
they are capable of doing, being, and having throughout their lives. One of the central priorities
of the recovery process must be to reconstruct this damaged self-esteem.
Boundaries are broached in different ways.
In the physical or sexual abusing family, the child's physical boundaries are violated.
In families where there is insanity or serious illness of a parent, the child's emotional boundaries
are infringed upon, and the child may be forced into the role of surrogate spouse for the other
parent, or required to act as the ill parent's caretaker.
In the substance abusing family, the volatile and immature behavior of an intoxicated parent
creates confusion about appropriate boundaries in interpersonal roles. As there are no models of
rational or predictable behavior, there is breakdown of honest communication, a lack of
emotional stability and nurturing by the parents, and a lack of safety that would permit trust, selfdisclosure and intimacy to develop.
In the fundamentalist, dogmatic or authoritarian family, parents trespass on children's right to
think for themselves (mental boundaries). They also violate children's rights to make their own
decisions (volitional boundaries), to interpret and act upon their own conscience (moral
boundaries), and to experience and express their innate spirituality, creativity, and quest for
meaning and value (spiritual boundaries).
Another priority for recovering adult children from these dysfunctional families must be to
rebuild appropriate boundaries.
They must relearn what is appropriate sexuality, and what are legitimate ways to express
displeasure or anger without injuring others or themselves.
They must re-empower themselves to say no to relationships they do not want and that are not
good for them, no to demands that they are not able to handle.
They must rehabilitate their ability to trust, to feel and share their feelings, to self disclose and
establish intimate relations.
They must reestablish their ability to think for themselves, and to make their own decisions,
confusing and scary as that might be.
Page 10 of 25
They must re-own a coherent and meaningful set of moral values by which to govern their lives,
and to take responsibility for their behavior.
And finally, they must renew their connection and relationship with a Higher Power, that
provides for them a sense of guidance, a roadmap, a set of principles from which they may
confidently and courageously live their lives.
None of this is easy. But the experience of numerous people who have survived growing up in
these families, and have embarked upon a program of recovery, let us know that it is possible to
regain their sanity and peace of mind, despite their painful and abusive past.
We also know that if an adult who grew up in these types of families does not address these
powerful and poignant issues, it is likely that he or she will unwittingly continue these patterns of
abuse into a new generation.
The child who is a victim of incest or molestation may go on to molest his or her own children.
The victim of physical violence may beat or neglect his or her own children.
The child of an alcoholic or drug addict may become chemically addicted him or herself, at a rate
up to four times that of the population who did not grow up in these families.
The child of an authoritarian parent may perpetuate the cycle of tyranny, passing on intolerant
and repressive values to his or her children.
This familial transmission does not stop unless we break the pattern, and find a way to heal the
wounds that have been inflicted upon us, and resolve that we will not repeat the past: not in our
lives, not in our children's lives.
Exercise: setting your personal boundaries
You define your personal boundaries by zones of emotional space around you. They vary with
the degree of personal intimacy with which you relate to other people. Acquaintances are those
individuals that you let into your public space. Friends are those whom you let into your
private space. Close friends are those whom you let into your intimate space. Only those
individuals who come closest of all, a spouse, the dearest and most trusted of friends or
relatives, or your life companion, are ever allowed to enter into your most intimate space.
With each progressive layer of intimacy, you apply different standards to what is required of an
individual to earn the right to know you in a more intimate way. To protect your privacy, to
ensure your safety, you erect barriers to those who would come close to you: only those that earn
your trust and pass your tests are ever granted the right to move to deeper layers of intimacy.
Through betrayal or disillusionment, people can be exiled from a more intimate layer to a less
intimate layer: thus, close friends of one day may become friends or acquaintances of another.
Page 11 of 25
In this exercise, first, list on separate sheet of paperF1 those individuals in your life who fall into
each of these intimacy categories in figure one above. In other words, list the names of the
people in your life who are acquaintances, friends, close friends, and those you allow into your
most intimate space, your nearest and dearest.
Next, observe what your standards and rules are for allowing a person to be an acquaintance, a
friend, a close friend, or your nearest and dearest. Write these down on a second sheet of paper.F2
Notice if your current relationships adhere to these rules or guidelines for getting close to you. If
you are experiencing discomfort or feelings of mistrust in a relationship, notice if that you may
have allowed that person to get closer to you than is appropriate.
By controlling your standards, you insure that only those individuals who meet your needs for
integrity, safety and trustworthiness will come close to you. You control intimacy in
relationships by what you are willing to disclose about yourself, and you can distance yourself if
it is appropriate. This way you will prevent many unfortunate relationships and the attending
heartache that goes along with them as well as filter meaningless/meaningful messages.
Changing Negative Conditioning of the Past
Though you may now be an adult, you carry with you the memories of the past. The past has
shaped you and molded you in ways you may not even be aware of, ways that remain deeply
buried in your subconscious mind. The trauma of growing up in a dysfunctional family has left
scars, wounds that still hurt, emotional pain and confusion that won't go away, crazy patterns of
acting and relating that don't make sense, but you feel compelled to do them anyway.
To change the negative programming in the biocomputer that is your Subconscious mind, you
must correct the statements that are replaying like endless answering machine tapes. These
statements tell you that you are not good enough, that you can't succeed, that you are just another
drunk like your father (and you are painfully aware that like him, you do have a problem with
alcohol)—statements you have come to believe and act upon. If you want your behavior to
change and to alter the negative consequences that your behavior has brought to you, you can
begin to change this negative programming.
The overt functioning of the Conscious mind includes behavior and sensation. The functioning of
the Conscious mind of which you may become readily aware comprises eight levels:

Gross motor behavior, such as turning your body or moving your arms and legs.

Fine motor behavior, as when you move your fingers, or perform coordinated movements
like dancing or playing hockey.

Orientation toward stimuli, like when you move your eyes, ears, nose, tongue, or the
touch or temperature receptors on your skin to become aware of some object in the
environment, or something on or next to your body.
Page 12 of 25

Movement of internal organs, as in the case of when you become aware of your heart
racing after a chase, or butterflies in your stomach when you feel anxiety.

Speech, when you vocalize your thoughts and feelings and communicate to other people.

Voluntary control of breath, as when you hold your breath when diving underwater or
taking deep breaths when you are feeling angry or upset.

Self-direction, the inaudible speech you use to tell yourself the next thing to do, as in "sit
down, reach down, grab your shoelaces with both hands, tie your shoe".

Self-monitoring, the I AM statements you use to describe what you are doing, for
example, "I am now eating ice cream."
Your functional Subconscious mind also has eight levels. It is comprised of your basic
conditioning that determines what you think, feel and believe.

Fear or aversive conditioning, which includes your feelings of wanting to escape,
thoughts that a situation or a person is dangerous, or beliefs that you might be harmed if
you hang around any longer.

Sexual or attractive conditioning that elicits your feelings and sensations of sexual
arousal, your fantasies about sexual behavior, your beliefs about your sexual
attractiveness, worthiness, and competence.

Anger or aggressive conditioning evokes your feelings of being wronged, your fantasies
of harming another or taking revenge, or beliefs that you are justified in hurting another
person, acting out violence, or causing injury, pain or misery.

Moral or inhibitory conditioning that bring up feelings of guilt or unworthiness, fantasies
of being punished by another person or by a Supernatural Agency like God or the devil,
and the beliefs that define for you what is good or evil.

Learning or experiential conditioning produces feelings of confidence or certainty, gives
rise to associative thinking and memories from your past, and your beliefs that identify an
event, person, or thing as being similar or dissimilar to what you have experienced
before.

Habit or motor conditioning, prompts feelings of ease and confidence in making a
movement you have previously practiced repeatedly, thoughts about the effectiveness of
your actions, and beliefs about what is possible and impossible for you to do and achieve
by your actions.

Desire or attachment conditioning, which motivates feelings of craving or need, fantasies
of doing, being, having, and enjoying the object of desire, and beliefs about what is
possible for you to do, be, and have in your life.
Page 13 of 25

Subliminal awareness, marked by your I AM or identity statements about your thoughts
and fantasies, feelings and beliefs, and your perception of your desires, habits, and
conditioning.
The simplest kind of self-programming is called affirmation. Affirmation is having the selfdirection portion of your Conscious mind give suggestions to your Subconscious mind. You may
suggest to your Subconscious mind, for example:

There is nothing to fear when you stand up in front of an audience to give a talk.

You are beautiful and desirable and are attractive to the opposite sex.

You can control your anger.

You will act in accordance with your morals.

You will remember the information you just learned so you will do well on the upcoming
test.

You will shoot baskets easily when you aim the basketball.

You can achieve what you set out to do in your life.
Another kind of self-programming is called processing. In this method, you have the selfdirection portion of your mind. Ask your Subconscious mind a series of questions:
You may ask, for example, what makes you afraid of heights? What is it that makes you attracted
to men or women who abuse you? What is it that makes you so angry about that? Why do you
feel this behavior is wrong? What was it like when you were five, growing up? What is keeping
you from running the 100-yard dash just a little bit faster? What is it you really want in your
career or life?
Surprisingly enough, your Subconscious likely has an answer to whatever you may ask it. It will
give you direct answers and will often reveal the hidden truth about whatever is troubling you.
All you have to do is ask, and then listen for the answer. You may wish to write it down, as well,
so you can refer to it later.
Affirmation and processing will allow you to get in touch with your basic feelings, thoughts, and
beliefs, and to change them to a certain degree. For the stubborn, recalcitrant, and deeply
engrained patterns and attitudes, however, affirmation and processing may not necessarily
work—for these, you need to bring out the heavy guns of Metaprogramming.
Metaprogramming means directing or changing your behavior and conditioning from an even
deeper portion of you, called the Metaconscious mind. Metaconscious mind brings the following
functions to bear on your basic conditioning:
Page 14 of 25

Resolution getting mad at, fed up with, and tired of old behavior or habit patterns, and
deciding emotionally to do something about it.

Rehearsal role-playing new verbal behavior, mentally practicing new movements,
visualizing yourself acting in a new way, having new things and people in your life, and
being a different person.

Argument setting new limits or standards for your behavior, specifying how your
behavior, words, or life shall be changed, and undermining and exposing your negative
beliefs and behavior.

Planning, scheduling, designing, and setting up new goal-oriented patterns of behavior.
Defining projects and goals, and specifying deadlines for accomplishment of objectives.

Reflection thinking about the consequences of your behavior, getting ideas for
alternative ways of acting, feeling, believing or thinking.

Insight looking at yourself objectively with the "eye of the mind". This allows you to
witness your behavior, conditioning, and defenses against change.

Self-Awareness the awareness of your total personality from the vantage point of the
Self. This center is the nucleus of the personality, and is experienced as a center of
awareness, will, and joy, director and controller of your life.
Will is the internal controlling and ordering principle that operates through the human
personality and gives expression to impulses from yet higher aspects of the mind, the
Superconscious Mind, the human spirit, and the Soul. For either programming or
metaprogramming to operate effectively, they must be empowered and given permission by the
Will. Will is the connection with the deepest principles within a human being and is the
manifestation of his or her Essential Self.
Behavior is largely the end result of the internal conditioning imbedded in the Subconscious
mind.
Affirmation and Metaprogramming allow you to alter this programming in the Subconscious
mind. This helps you to begin to take charge of your thoughts, your beliefs, your actions, and
ultimately, your life.
By rediscovering your Will, you are reunited with your Core, your Essential Being. This gives
you the power to regain control over your life and affairs, and to take it back from those to whom
you have given it away by your codependent styles of relating.
In learning to take charge of your conditioning, you give yourself back the keys to determining
your own destiny, instead of being controlled by the traumatic experiences of your past and the
people who have learned to manipulate you.
Page 15 of 25
Whole Self/Damaged Self
The impact of growing up in a dysfunctional family takes its toll on individuals growing up in
these families.
Adults who grew up in these dysfunctional families may experience problems with addiction:
overeating, chemical dependency, sexual compulsions, workaholism, or destructive gambling
behavior.
They may suffer from low self-esteem, not believing they deserve the good things in life.
They may feel depressed or anxious, and be uncertain why. They may self-sabotage their goals
and dreams, fail to actualize their potentials, unwitting acting out a life script written by early
negative programming.
They may have problems with making money, managing money, or settling down into a
satisfactory career.
They have difficulties with intimacy, forming close relationships, and dread letting go of a
relationship, even when it is destructive. They report sexual dysfunction, sexual obsession or
lack of sexual desire.
They may be troubled with health problems that derive from too much stress, failure to properly
care for their nutrition or get proper exercise or sleep, and being overly driven in their lives, not
knowing when to let go or relax.
Their acting out as adolescents may have interfered with their education, and their emotional
tension may have interfered with their ability to concentrate and to study, limiting their job
prospects; and confusion, which effected their school performance.
Their rebellion may have led to legal entanglements.
They may be out of touch with their feelings and their spirituality, and lack a sense of meaning in
their lives.
In sum, they emerge from their stormy childhood with a damaged self.
The healing process is assisted by an inventory of the damage, and then developing a personal
"treatment plan" to address the aspects of the self that can be rehabilitated. In some cases, the
damage can no longer be remedied, which means that you will have to grieve for your loss, and
in time, come to an inner acceptance, and forgive yourself for your mistake.
The next steps are reflecting on each important aspect of your life, setting realistic goals, then
determining a way to reach these goals (strategizing). By writing down these goals, you will be
on your way to dealing with a painful past and creating a brighter present and future for yourself.
Page 16 of 25
First, inventory the following aspects of your life, asking, “Where I am now for each are?”
AREA OF MY LIFE
My physical health and appearance
My home and living environment
My emotional life
My relationships
My recovery from addiction and/or
dysfunctional patterns
My mental life and/or education
My career and work life
My finances
My involvement in the community
My hobbies, interests in other
cultures, my desires for travel
My ethics and principles I live by
My spiritual life
WHERE I AM NOW
Write as fully on each subject as possible. Be honest! You may also wish to elicit feedback from
supportive friends or co-workers who aren't too timid to level with you about how you are doing
in your career or in your relationships, in case you may be laboring under any delusions that you
are doing fine, when you really aren't.
Next, you want to set some clear goals in each of these areas of your life, both the ones you are
not having problems in and the ones you are having problems in. You can get out a new sheet of
paper, and make three columns, like this:
AREA OF MY LIFE
My physical health and
appearance
My home and living environment
My emotional life
My relationships
My recovery from addiction
and/or dysfunctional patterns
My mental life and/or education
My career and work life
My finances
My involvement in the
community
My hobbies, interests in other
cultures, my desires for travel
My ethics and principles I live by
My spiritual life
MY GOALS
WHEN I WILL COMPLETE THIS
Page 17 of 25
You need to be realistic about when you can accomplish these goals, and not be too hard on
yourself if you fail to meet a deadline. Just figure out what went wrong, revise your deadline,
and try a new and better approach. Your goal statements should be concrete, not "I want to be
happy, " but "I want to better cope with the situations and people that frustrate me," or "I want to
be earning 125% of my current income by December of next year."
Next you need to determine what will help you achieve each of your goals.
Get out a third sheet of blank paper, and make three columns, like this:
MY GOAL
WHAT WILL HELP ME COMPLETE THIS?
COMMENT
You want to briefly restate your goal, and think of what will help you reach your goal. The
comment section is for a brief comment like, "Completed on 3/15/92," or "Decided against this
on advice of my sponsor or therapist." You may wish to do this one in pencil, so you can add or
revise items on it. I call it a success spreadsheet.
I've done a sample one below to give you some ideas.
Page 18 of 25
MY GOAL
SAMPLE SUCCESS SPREADSHEET
WHAT WILL HELP ME COMPLETE THIS?
COMMENT
Complete some goals
so I feel better about
myself.
Better Self-Esteem
 Get therapy or counseling
 Read good books about building self-esteem
Be less of a doormat
 Take an assertiveness training class
 Read a book on assertiveness training
Set better limits
Decide what are
appropriate limits on
C.W.'s behavior.
 Say no when I mean no
 Practice my assertiveness skills
Talk over with my
therapist why I'm in
this relationship
Need more
discipline
Improve my
relationship with my
boss
Work on trusting
with my therapist
more fully so I can
feel safer in intimate
relationships.
Clearer
communication
Learn Accounting
Stop Using Alcohol
Deal with pain of
growing up in an
alcoholic family
Enhance my
relationship with my
Higher Power
Reduce my stress
 Take up a commitment I can't get out of so I'll
be sure to do it
 Get someone to do it with me so it won't seem
like a burden
 Discuss relationships with authority figures
with my therapist.
 Work in my journal about resentments toward
mom and dad
 Journal on my fears of talking to my parents.
 Make a list of what I am afraid to tell about
myself and tell them to B.J
Take a public speaking class
Enroll in a class at the university next semester
 Get into a recovery program today
 Read Hazelden recovery books.
 Attend Alcoholics Anonymous and work the
steps of the program
 Attend ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics)
meetings
 Get therapy and counseling
 Read books on codependency and ACA issues
 Learn to meditate and practice meditation
daily
 Pray daily and attend Church on Sundays
 Read books about spirituality and
metaphysical topics.
 Read the entire Bible
 Practice relaxation daily
 Practice time management
Read The Act of Will
by Roberto Assagioli
A great book!
To disclose myself
Tell B.J. what I like
sexually
Learn to negotiate by
reading a book about
this subject
Get an accounting
package for my
computer and use it
Do whatever it takes
to stop drinking!
Work on my
codependency by
working the steps
Keep a spiritual
journal.
Say no more and don't
take on any more
projects
Page 19 of 25
Once you know how you can work on reaching your goals and what you are willing to do to
reach them, there is only one-step remaining. DO IT! MAKE YOUR DREAMS HAPPEN!
It is possible for you to overcome a painful past, to rediscover your unique individuality, and to
become more effective in your personal life. Getting in touch with your Soul, your real Self,
through a spiritual awakening, is a healing experience, and will help you recognize your potential
and find inner strength and wisdom to cope with life's challenges.
Setting clear goals for yourself and finding out how to accomplish them will actualize your
dreams, and you will experience greater personal satisfaction. By finding others who will support
you in your recovery, by love, by understanding, by forgiveness, by empowering yourself, it is
possible to release the burdens of the past and live more fully in the Actuality of the living
present.
This is not an easy task, but no task is more urgent or worthwhile.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bibliographic References
1. Wegscheider, Sharon. Another Chance: Hope and Health for the Alcoholic Family. 1981. Palo
Alto, CA: Science and Behavior Books. Pages 85-88.
2. op. cit. See chart on page 86 of her book for a brief summary and comparison of these roles.
3. op cit. Page 88.
4. Op. cit. Page 88.
5 Material from Dr. Janet Kizziar's class, "Counseling Survivors of Dysfunctional Families,"
presented at the University of California, Riverside, 1/21/89
6. Woititz, Janet G. Adult Children of Alcoholics. 1990. Dearfield Beach, FL: Health
Communications, Inc.
7. class, 1/21/89. op.cit.
8. Finkelhor, D., Araji, S., Baron, L., Peters, S. D., and Wyatt, G. E. A Sourcebook on Child
Sexual Abuse. 1986. Beverly Hills, CA: Sage Publications.
9. Herman, J. L. and Hirschman, L. Father Daughter Incest. 1981. Cambridge, MA: Harvard
University Press.
Page 20 of 25
10. Briere, J. "The long term effects of child sexual abuse: defining a post-sexual-abuse
syndrome." Paper presented at the 3rd National Conference on Sexual Victimization of Children,
Wahington, D.C., 1984.
11. Cermack, Timmen L. Diagnosing and Treating Co-Dependence. 1986. Minneapolis, MN:
The Johnson Institute. Pages 55-58.Quoted from Beattie, Melody. Beyond Codependency. 1989.
New York: Harper/Hazelden Books.
12. Ibid. Page 55.
13. Ibid, page 56.
14. Ibid, page 57.
15. Ibid, page 57-58.
Page 21 of 25
THE EFFECTS OF CODEPENDENCY ON FAMILY ROLES
The roles were first recognized in families of alcoholics. They have since been identified in just
about every other dysfunctional family dynamic as well. And because codependents
unconsciously change and shift roles, they emerge in adult relationships also. Roles that
functioned satisfactorily as coping mechanisms in the original family simply do not work in
adulthood, when all the interpersonal relationships change. If they aren't altered, they destroy
happiness and peace with God.
HERO
The hero is the fixer-upper, the glue man. The hero keeps the dysfunctional family functioning
and takes up the slack where the parents don't have it together. The hero may get the laundry
done, fix meals, mind the smaller kids, perhaps even nurture a disabled or dysfunctional parent
(as when the hero child tends to the needs of an alcoholic mother or father). The hero may or
may not receive praise and support within the family -- but from the outside, the hero is
acknowledged as the trustworthy, conscientious, mature, capable kid.
SCAPEGOAT
The scapegoat is the black sheep. Regardless what sweet words of denial the scapegoat hears
from his parent's lips, he knows down inside that this household just isn't cutting it. He probably
cannot articulate his loss, but his love tank is staying on empty. Obviously someone is to blame,
and children, you will recall, are quick to assign any anomaly in the universe to their own fault.
The scapegoat deserves to be punished for this mess. Besides, when he takes the blame he also
gets attention. Ask any celebrity; bad press is better than no press at all.
MASCOT
The mascot is the black sheep with a white reputation, the family clown. He earns his attention
by grabbing it. Problems? Dissolve them with a laugh. Pain? Joke it away. Distract, bring a
smile, present a happy face. The mascot is out to make you -- and himself -- forget for a few
moments that life hurts dreadfully. Frequently the grinning little guy who makes the tension
bearable with his zany humor is sadder inside than any other family member.
LOST CHILD
The lost child makes the perfect hero in a classic western or romance novel, the loner who keeps
his own counsel. While the hero is excelling and the mascot is goofing around, and the scapegoat
is getting into scrapes, the lost child simply isn't noticed. Not there. The lost child might be alone
in her room or playing out in the garage. She doesn't say much, doesn't stick out in the bunch,
probably enjoys escapist reading. The lost child is nice. Constantly, unbearably, doggedly nice.
ENABLER
If it weren't for the enablers, a family's dysfunction could not long exist. The tragedy is that the
enablers can't grasp that fact. Every member in a dysfunctional family plays the enabler role to
some extent. This role was first identified in families where a "normal" spouse was married to an
alcoholic. Let's say for convenience only that Dad is the alcoholic and Mom is not. She's keeping
the family together -- heroic, martyr Mom. She keeps his drinking a secret and enlists the
children's cooperation in deceiving the world. Thus he need not face public approbation for his
Page 22 of 25
behavior. She lies to the boss for him when he calls in sick. She bails him out of scrapes and
sometimes out of jail itself. She cleans up the messes, both physical and situational, that he's
constantly making.
The children, regardless of the other family roles they assume, become enablers also. Assuming
in their innocence that everything happening in the family is somehow linked to their behavior,
they accept just as much guilt and responsibility as Mom. They learn to keep their mouths shut.
They play intensely the roles described above. That is all enabling. By adjusting everything to
the alcoholic, they all make it easier for him to be one. The kids have no choice. This family is
all they have.
PLACATER
Even a very small child can adopt the placater role. The placater is going to make it all better
somehow. He might distract and heal by being the clown. He is often the hero. The placater
knows what words to say to reassure siblings, soothe Mom, get around Dad. A born negotiator,
the placater recognizes in advance the waves that might rock the family boat and tries to still
them and may even use an occasional white lie to keep the family friction to a minimum.
MARTYR
The martyr will pay any personal price to alleviate the family situation. The martyr sacrifices
time, energy, and happiness to keep the family together, to try to get the dependent to quit
drinking or shooting up. She will stick it out for a hundred years and go to any extent to make
things work out right. By "right" the martyr means "the way the martyr wants them to." She will
burn out or go nuts or both. The only thing the martyr will not be able to do is make a difference
in the dependent's habits.
RESCUER
The rescuer is going to salvage the situation, whatever it is. The rescuer will get a second job to
pay the bills. He will bail out the dependent, hire the attorney, pay the estranged teen-aged child's
rent, do the jobs that would otherwise go undone.
PERSECUTOR
Persecutor says, "It's all your fault!" The persecutor lays blame liberally everywhere but on the
self. He tells all the family members exactly what they are doing wrong and why they have not
achieved perfection. The persecutor is not a pleasant person to be in the same county with.
VICTIM
Oh, poor victim -- she didn't ask for any of this. The victim could be happy if only all this
weren't happening. She is the soul most to be pitied, because she is so very nice down inside that
none of this is deserved. This role is not to be confused with actual victimization. True victims
usually do not perceive themselves as victims in this intensely self-pitying sense.
Page 23 of 25
Exercise: setting your personal boundaries
You define your personal boundaries by zones of emotional space around you. They vary with
the degree of personal intimacy with which you relate to other people. Acquaintances are those
individuals that you let into your public space. Friends are those whom you let into your
private space. Close friends are those whom you let into your intimate space. Only those
individuals who come closest of all, a spouse, the dearest and most trusted of friends or
relatives, or your life companion, are ever allowed to enter into your most intimate space.
With each progressive layer of intimacy, you apply different standards to what is required of an
individual to earn the right to know you in a more intimate way. To protect your privacy, to
ensure your safety, you erect barriers to those who would come close to you: only those that earn
your trust and pass your tests are ever granted the right to move to deeper layers of intimacy.
Through betrayal or disillusionment, people can be exiled from a more intimate layer to a less
intimate layer: thus, close friends of one day may become friends or acquaintances of another.
In this exercise, first, list on separate sheet of paper those individuals in your life who fall into
each of these intimacy categories in figure one above. In other words, list the names of the
people in your life who are acquaintances, friends, close friends, and those you allow into your
most intimate space, your nearest and dearest.
Figure 1:
PERSONAL BOUNDARIES BY ZONES OF EMOTIONAL SPACE
Intimate Spaces (Close friends/ a
Public Spaces (Acquaintances)
Private Spaces (Friends)
spouse, the dearest and most trusted of
friends or relatives, or life companion)
Page 24 of 25
In this exercise, first, list on separate sheet of paper those individuals in your life who fall into
each of these intimacy categories in figure one above. In other words, list the names of the
people in your life who are acquaintances, friends, close friends, and those you allow into your
most intimate space, your nearest and dearest.
Next, observe what your standards and rules are for allowing a person to be an acquaintance, a
friend, a close friend, or your nearest and dearest. Write these down on a second sheet of paper.
Notice if your current relationships adhere to these rules or guidelines for getting close to you. If
you are experiencing discomfort or feelings of mistrust in a relationship, notice if that you may
have allowed that person to get closer to you than is appropriate.
By controlling your standards, you insure that only those individuals who meet your needs for
integrity, safety and trustworthiness will come close to you. You control intimacy in
relationships by what you are willing to disclose about yourself, and you can distance yourself if
it is appropriate. This way you will prevent many unfortunate relationships and the attending
heartache that goes along with them as well as filter meaningless/meaningful messages.
Figure 2:
STANDARDS FOR LAYERS OF INTIMACY
Acquaintances
Friends
Dearest & Most Trusted
Friends or Relatives/Spouse
or Life Companion
Page 25 of 25