How To Live With An Alcoholic And Still Enjoy Your Life!

How To Live With An Alcoholic
And Still Enjoy Your Life!
A Practical Guide for Partners and Spouses
by Been There
About The Author
The author is an award-winning writer who has worked as a professional journalist
specializing in health issues. Due to the personal nature of this book, the author has
decided to remain anonymous for the time being.
She has been blogging on the topic of ‘How to Live with An Alcoholic’ since 2007.
You can contact her or visit her website: www.howtolivewithanalcoholic.com
Copyright 2013. www..HowToLiveWithAnAlcoholic.com. This book may not be copied,
distributed, reposted, reprinted or shared, without permission of the author directly. The
author can be contacted through the website www.howtolivewithanalcoholic.com.
PLEASE NOTE: For consistency purposes, throughout the book, I refer to the alcoholic
as 'your partner'. This can mean boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife.
This book is aimed at both men and women who are living with an alcoholic partner.
However, throughout the book I refer to the alcoholic you are living with as ‘he’. I fully
acknowledge that alcoholism is a major issue for women, too and that the ‘he’ referral is
used purely for ease of reading, but can be substituted for 'she' when applicable.
INTRODUCTION - THE CRYSTAL BALL
Let me look into my crystal ball ... Hmmm ... I see arguing, I see that you are often
called a nag, that you have been struggling for months, no, I correct myself, actually
years, to get a person you love and care for to quit drinking because everything will be all
right if only you could get him to quit drinking. The arguments, they're classic, aren't
they? It looks to me that even if you don’t say anything, he is blaming the row on you
because of your refusal to speak.
If you do say something, your genius of a loved one will manage to twist it and distort it
into a reason for him to storm away and get drunk. Sure, why wouldn’t he? It is all your
fault, don’t you know? You drive him to it! Well, that is what he wants you to believe and
sometimes you even believe it, don’t you?
You question what you are doing to cause his bad behavior; you’ve tried to change
things so he will just stop drinking. You’ve walked on eggshells, so to speak, James Bond
pales in comparison to the lengths you have gone to find a solution. To find a way to
make everything better.
I delve a little deeper and I see that you have come to be somewhat of a stranger to
yourself; you feel you have hardened, you have become bitter, resentful, but hey, that’s
the hand life dealt you, and you can put on a brave face and deal with it. Well, that is what
you tell yourself.
Oh look, there you are on the phone to friends, making excuses; you’re sick - a virus of
some sort, so it is best for them not to come over. Oh, I see you on the phone again, now
you are saying he's sick, he has hurt his back, he can’t make it into work again. You really
hate those calls don’t you? You know the manager knows you are making excuses for
him, you feel a fool. But you take a deep breath and ignore the tension in your head.
Tension? Yes, the tension, you have probably become so used to it that you don’t notice it
anymore. Just take a moment, relax your forehead, let your ears drop. Yes, I know that
sounds strange, but they do drop when you relax your forehead! You probably feel your
jaw become less tight and your hairline move back slightly – yes, that’s how your face
feels when it is relaxed – it’s been a while since it felt like that, hasn't it?
Back to my crystal ball ... ah yes, I see celebrations! But you do not look forward to
them anymore. Occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries ... you look
anxious. Why? I hear him saying, "Will you relax! Don’t be such a killjoy!" "Why do you
have to put a damper on everything?", "It’s Christmas for goodness sake!". Drink is
flowing and there is a false sense of merriment, but you are getting tenser and tenser. Feel
your forehead; the tension is back even by just thinking about it, isn’t it?
You have become so controlling over another adult that it is ridiculous – you monitor his
every move, you check in on him if he is out of sight, you constantly need an account of
his actions. This is done through casual conversation, but he knows what you are at and
he will give you all the right answers. So you have had to become more cunning and
think of new ways of keeping a check on him, but he still manages to get drunk.
I see a black hole forming, a big black hole. What is it? It’s ... it’s your bank account!
Money is sliding through your fingers, but the bills keep coming through the mailbox.
You used to be quite good with managing money but now no matter how hard you try,
you never seem to have enough to make ends meet and counting the bottles going into
recycling I can see why.
Why does your chest tighten and head race when your loved one does ... what is he
doing, what’s the trigger? I can’t quite make it out, what is he saying or doing? Is it, ‘I’m
just going out to get ... ’ or is it a phone call saying he won’t be home?.. Oh no I'm wrong,
there isn’t a phone call, he just doesn’t arrive! Or is it when you hear him in the other
room trying to open the cupboard quietly and slowly unscrew the lid of the liquor bottle
when he is supposed to be making a cup of coffee?
Your chest tightens and the barrier goes up. Yes, the barrier, you know the one. That
invisible shield that stops him ripping out your heart and shredding it anymore. It’s as
solid as a brick wall, it makes you cold and calculating, it makes you snappy and
sometimes it’s not the drinker that gets the resulting anger, but the kids or other loved
ones. But at least it’s better than the way you used to be before you found the barrier –
remember? You were an emotional wreck, the way you used to beg him to stop; the way
you cried yourself to sleep, the high you felt when he promised he would stop, he said he
wouldn’t cause you that hurt and pain again. But he did drink again.
Remember the depths you would plummet to then? And the ride would start all over
again. But then you found your shield, your barrier. If he can’t get through the barrier, he
can’t hurt you like that again. No one can.
Oh, I’ve found a dark spot; what’s this? You secretly sometimes wish he would die so
you could get on with things, or maybe I’m reading that wrong, maybe it is sometimes
you wish something serious would happen to you so that he would have to stop and take
responsibility.
Hmmm ... let me look into your past a little ... you used to have a bigger social circle
than you have now; you have cut yourself off a bit. No actually, quite a lot. You laughed a
lot more, you looked a lot better and you were so much more self-confident.
But I see a lonely front door; why does nobody call anymore? I see someone, a friend
telling you exactly what they think of your loved one; they’re saying you should leave
him. But they don’t understand, this is the person you love,; he would be lost without
you, you would be lost without him, he is just going through a bad patch, he is a good
person underneath it all. After all you did fall in love with him, so he can’t be all that bad.
You’re an intelligent person, your judgment couldn’t be that wrong.
The person they are talking about is not the person you fell in love with. It is just a
facade; it’s like the drink causes this alien to come and inhabit his body and pretends to
be him – but the alien doesn’t have it quite right, everything is exaggerated, the
personality, the emotions, the actions. It’s not the real him. You actually hate the alien,
detest him, but you love the real person so much that you couldn’t leave him. Although
you have tried to leave in the past or threatened to, even if the alien left and promised
never to come back,he always did.
You love him so you try to shield him from embarrassing himself in front of others and
try to shield him from criticism and humiliation. You don’t care if you come across as a
fool for doing it.
Your life feels surreal, like a movie set and you .. you are Florence Nightingale! Yes, as
you clean up vomit, change wet bed sheets and strain your back carrying him into bed,
you do feel more of a martyr who should be given sainthood rather than a victim ...
You used to laugh so easily; when was the last time you laughed until you cried? You
were so much more self-confident; where did that go? You looked so much better, you
had more energy and drive, you felt enthusiastic about life and you had ideas, you had
time to yourself, you felt healthier and ... happy? You were in control of your own
destiny. Do you long to feel like that again?
I don’t have a crystal ball, (well I do, but it’s an ornament on my dresser!), I can’t see
your past or future, BUT if you are reading this and can relate to any of the above you are
part of a very big club. If you are standing somewhere public reading this intro, take a
moment to look around you. If there are more than 10 people around you, I guarantee at
least one of them knows or is related to an alcoholic, the chances are the majority of them
know someone that they care for who has a drinking problem or knows someone who is
suffering the consequences of living with someone with a drinking problem.
I have lived with alcoholism most of my life. By creating a self help program for
myself, I became a better person, my husband got sober and yes, we are now living
happily ever after! I want to share my technique with you.
The first step in helping your alcoholic loved one to stop drinking is to is to get the U
back into YOU. Without realizing it, you are probably encouraging their addiction, you
are probably enabling their behavior and are as much part of the problem as they are.
Harsh words, but true.
Do you want to know how to help your partner? This book will tell you how. I can’t
promise it can get them to stop drinking, but what it can do is help you find YOU again.
Which will, in time give you the strength and the skills to encourage them to stop the
vicious circle of self-destruction.
Think about the emergency instructions they give you at the start of a flight. They don’t
say, look after everyone around you first before you put on your own life-saving oxygen
mask. They say, attend to your own mask and then help those around you – get yourself
right so you are capable of helping those around you.
Your main responsibility now is to free yourself from resentment, bitterness and anger;
to please yourself first, keep an open mind, make healthy lifestyle choices, stop being
concerned about what other people might think, express your ideas and feelings, learn
that it is okay to say ‘no’ and stick to your values and make yourself the best person you
can possibly be. By doing this, you will then have the strength and will power to help
others.
How To Use This Book
I hear you can tell if there is an alcoholic in a home by observing the rest of the family.
They are the ones trying to hold it all together while the alcoholic seems oblivious to
what is really going on.
For most people who have never lived through a situation such as this, there are only
two possible solutions to the problem, throw the drinker out or leave yourself. However,
for a person living with an addict, the solution isn't as easy or as straightforward as that.
There are a million variables in addiction of any kind, and sometimes suggestions for
getting out are not what we want; we would rather have suggestions for how to deal with
the situation.
I can give you the fundamentals of what you need to do to liberate yourself from the
destructive aspects of living with an addictive person, but it is up to you to take the
necessary actions
This book is not a bedtime read; it is a book that calls you to action, so you can learn to
live your life to the fullest while still living with your alcoholic loved one.
Exercises
There are 10 written exercises for you to do throughout this book, so you will need a
notepad and pen. This is a private notebook which you should keep for future reference.
No one else has to see, it so be honest when completing the exercises. Don’t brush over
the exercises, they are an important part of the process.
Sometimes these exercises hurt emotionally, but they are important to allow you time to
evaluate yourself and your life. Where it is, what you want and where you are going.
“Yes but ... ’ This is a common saying used by alcoholics when they are being
challenged about their problem and being asked to change - to become sober. They think
they are different than every other alcoholic because no one understands what they have
been through. They are not the same as everyone else or the common drunk, they’re
different, their circumstances are special.
Think about that while reading this book; every time I ask you to change your behavior,
see how many times you use, ‘yes, but..’ as an excuse not to change your behavior. You
are no different than any other partner of an alcoholic anywhere in the world. We are all
part of the same club with the same membership qualities!
Golden Keys
There are 6 'Golden Keys' in the book. These are actions or things that I found critical to
getting my life not just back on track, but a thousand times better. By using the Golden
Keys offered in this book you will find your way through the maze you find yourself in,
to a better, more fulfilling life, while still loving your alcoholic partner.
Calls to Action!
The Calls to Action! are items I want you to take immediately. They may take you out of
your comfort zone, but do them as soon as possible. Push yourself!
By doing the 'Calls to Action' and doing the exercises, you will be flicking on light
switches through the tunnel you are in! By taking the little steps suggested in this book,
your mind will find the defenses it has built for you too restrictive and will gradually let
the barrier down and you will begin to heal. This will allow you to enjoy the new ideas
and positive growth towards a better future.
You cannot change the past, but use the experiences to the betterment of your future – in
other words make your future better! This is Your Life Story and you are holding the
controls. Taking little steps and making small changes on a daily basis will make your life
better. These small steps make a huge difference over time.
You are a complex, fascinating human being with a wide range of thoughts, emotions,
dreams and life experience. You have probably experienced the full spectrum of emotions
more often than most people, from exhilarating joy to deep sobbing heart breaking grief
and agony. You probably have experienced more of the later if you are reading this book,
but the good news is that I am going to show you how to experience the exhilarating joy
life can bring, even when living with an alcoholic. You are an individual like no other!
And together we are going to find who that person is!
**********************
CHAPTER 1 - THIS ISN’T HOW MY LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!
You’re right! This isn’t how your life was supposed to be. You may feel very alone and
isolated right now, but we’re going to change that. One of the first steps to your recovery
is for you to understand that there are millions living in the same dark place as you are
now. There are also millions out there that have come out on the other side and are now
living lives better than they could ever have imagined – the lives they were supposed to
live. By the end of this book, you will have the tools to do the same.
I am going to start by sharing a small part of my story to show the extreme feelings that
we all may experience when living with alcohol. This chapter will also explain what is
going on inside your partner’s head so you can understand why your loved one cannot
drink normally and why they constantly let you down.
It will also give you the first Golden Key for you to unlock the first door and take the
first steps through to a better, more fulfilling life while living with an alcoholic.
How Did I Get Here?
When I met my husband, it was love at first sight. I found him a fascinating
conversationalist, madly attractive and a gentleman. To top it all, he had the power to
make me laugh until I cried.
Ten years after meeting him, I was driving away from a rehab centre having admitted
my husband. For the first time in years, my face relaxed. I breathed deeply and thought to
myself ‘How the hell did I get to this?’
I couldn’t understand how ‘Me’, the one who was always the carefree independent type,
that never let things faze her and didn’t suffer fools easily, had spent over seven years
trying to get the man she loved to stop drinking and see sense.
While I thought badgering him about his drinking or trying to predict his every action
and be one step ahead of him were the right things to do, I, in the process, had not taken
any action to progress my life. Through my inaction and continuation of doing the same
thing over and over, I maintained the unpleasant lifestyle I had for those years. By taking
the comfortable options, (which were not very comfortable) I had stopped controlling my
own life and I was focused on controlling everyone else’s lives around me. I believed in
so doing, that some day, everything would be perfect. It was only when I stood back and
assessed how I was dealing with things and stopped believing the way I was doing things
was the right way, that I stopped the tides of chaos in my life.
For a short period, I went through a stage of thinking of myself as a victim, that these
things were happening to me. Then I finally realized that things don’t just happen to me –
they are a result of me not taking action or repeating actions that didn’t work. This was
my comfort zone and it took a hell of a push for me to step out of it and say "No More!"
Not Caring Anymore
The same way your body fights infections, your mind creates coping mechanisms,
‘barriers’ to protect your mental health.
Many times when I felt strong and my husband was drinking, I thought to myself, "If he
just got on with it and died now, I could get on with my life.’ This was my mind’s defense
system kicking in.
When living with an alcoholic, your own mental health hits all-time lows. Repeated
disappointments make you numb. Think about it -the human mind is strong enough to
make someone crave a substance so much that they are willing to risk everything for it
and likewise, it is strong enough to develop an invisible barrier to emotion to stop us from
being hurt over and over again – to survive.
You may feel the alcoholic knows what he's doing to you and that he's killing what love
is left. You may feel you don't care if there's help for him anymore or if he becomes well
or not, or if he lives or dies.
This is not a natural way to feel about someone you love; it is your mind protecting you.
Alcoholism is a mental illness which affects those living with the addict also. Illnesses
are nobody's fault, not yours and not theirs. Your negative thoughts and feelings are
normal. It is possible ,however, to hate the problem of alcoholism and love the person
who is drinking - both at the same time. This is called detaching and something that we
will work on in later chapters.
I’m Not Sure if He is An Alcoholic or Not
There is a big difference between someone having a couple of drinks as part of an adult
social life and someone with an alcohol dependence.
The majority of alcoholics are not your stereotypical bearded, homeless man sleeping in
a doorway clutching a bottle. The majority are functioning alcoholics; they have jobs,
families and from the outside looking in, they may have the ideal life. Most families have
problems that stay behind closed doors and the majority of people in the Western world
know someone with an alcohol problem. Usually the people they know carry on their
day-to-day lives – working, socializing and maybe being the centre of attention – a great
guy, but gosh can he drink! Or maybe he’s the quiet guy that doesn’t socialize, but misses
quite a lot of random work days.
The typical functioning alcoholic isn’t interested in questioning his alcohol abuse or
seeking to quit. However, as his partner, you are suffering the results of his behavior, so it
is important for you to know if you are just ‘overreacting’ or judging him unfairly. If the
signs of alcoholism are more advanced, you probably don’t need to answer the following
questions to make your mind up that you are living with an alcoholic.
The 'Are You Living With an Alcoholic?' Quiz:
1. Has he ever admitted, drunk or sober, that he has or may have a drink problem?
2. Has he tried to quit or gone dry for periods in the past, to prove to himself that he can
live without drink? Maybe he got professional help or attended an AA meeting, but has
since convinced himself he isn’t an alcoholic and so continues drinking.
3. Has he denied drinking when it is obvious he has? Has he hidden what he is drinking?
Does he sometimes need a drink in the morning to be able to function (hair of the dog)?
Have you caught him sneaking a drink? When you challenged him about this behavior,
has he said he has to do these things because you watch him and nag him about his
drinking?
4. Has he had blackouts? – he can’t remember things the day after - What he said, how
he behaved, how he got home.
5. Does he use drink to function – to ease stress, tension, anxiety, to steady his nerves,
stop panic attacks, relax, sleep?
6. When at a party or socializing, does he drink his first few drinks in rapid succession –
quicker than the rest of the group (as long as the others aren’t alcoholics too!)?
7. Does he become verbally and physically abusive when drinking?
8. Does he get into fights? Has he lost friends and/or injured himself while drinking?
9. Has he lost days from work because of drinking? Have you made excuses for him for
not being able to attend work or functions? Do you dread parties and social events
because you know how he will behave?
10.Have you changed bed sheets, cleaned up vomit, helped him to bed, covered him
where he passed out for the night when you couldn’t lift him or wake him?
11. Can he go out socially without having several drinks? If there is a free bar, does he
tend to drink excessively to make the most of the situation?
If you have only ever experienced one or two of these things just once, well then he may
just be a social drinker that went overboard once or twice. However, if you have
experienced two or three of these things regularly, or in the last few months, then you are
probably living with an alcoholic.
Why Can’t He Just Drink Normally?
Dependency on alcohol doesn’t happen overnight. It takes years of practice! Alcohol
dependence usually starts with drinking for an effect – to alter a mood, to get rid of
tension, anxiety, to forget, to give false courage,or to achieve a high.
The mind is a powerful tool, and when it becomes accustomed to regular alcohol, it can
start playing games with its owner. The person will feel the need to have alcohol to do
regular daily functions: to relax, to sleep, to act ‘normally’. They will believe this can be
achieved with ‘just one’ drink. However, one is usually never enough. An alcohol
tolerance tends to develop and more alcohol is needed to achieve the same effect.
Is Alcoholism an Illness?
It is difficult for many to accept that addiction is an actual illness, some call it a disease.
You just want him to stop putting alcohol down his throat – simple. By comparing it to
other mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia, you can come to understand that what your
partner has is a disease of the mind. And similar to dealing with any patient with a mental
illness that causes delusions, there is no point in you trying to convince them that you are
right and they are wrong.
With a delusionary illness such as schizophrenia or addiction, the person is convinced of
the truth of things the way they see it, which are obviously untrue to everyone else.
Someone with such an illness will always be able to answer any rational objection to his
belief or theory in a way that preserves what he really believes. Even when he is
presented with hard facts and proof that unequivocally disproves what he believes, his
mind will easily find a way to sidestep the contradiction and persist in his false beliefs.
Even to the point of believing that the facts provided are part of a conspiracy to make him
look bad or crazy!
The addict can honestly believe, that he is harming neither himself nor others by his
addictive behavior; that his addiction is necessary or even useful and good for him; that
he is in control of his addiction rather than vice versa; that the circumstances of his life
justify his drinking and that people who say they are concerned about him, are against
him and not friends.
So yes, alcoholism is a mental illness.
Vicious Circle
Long-term, heavy drinking causes problems – such as loss of friends, who no longer
enjoy the drinker’s company as he cannot just enjoy a drink or two, but drinks to excess
and ultimately the night ends in anti-social behavior.
It can lead to financial problems and problems at work.
This creates a vicious circle. The drinker now drinks because he is having problems, it
becomes a crutch. The question now becomes "is he drinking because he has problems, or
does he have problems because he drinks?" Whatever the answer, the one thing that is for
sure, is that drinking does not solve problems, but only makes things worse in the long
run.
The drinker often recognizes he is ‘developing’ a problem and resolves to reduce or quit
after a few drinks, but can't stick to that.
In early addiction, the addict, tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he
begins to dwell more and more in the past, which is usually soaked with regrets.
Lies
The first casualty of addiction, is usually the truth. At first the addict merely denies the
truth to himself. He lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others.
Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation and other techniques for avoiding or distorting
the truth are all part of the process.
Terminal Uniqueness!
Your alcoholic may also suffer from ‘terminal uniqueness’! While they would not find
excessive drinking and the resulting behavior acceptable from someone else, they believe
they are different, their situation or circumstances are different - i.e. if his situation was
not so special, if you had any understanding of what he was feeling you wouldn’t
complain or question his behavior. When his situation becomes normal ,of course he
won’t drink. Yes, rehab centres around the world are full of such special people!
The individual in the grip of this delusion is able to convince himself, though not always
others, that his circumstances are such that ordinary rules and norms of behavior do not
apply to him at the present time, and so the ‘rules’ must be bent or stretched to make
room for his special needs.
He believes that when his circumstances change, he will return to fit into normal rules of
behavior. If you have heard the words, "I’ll quit tomorrow" and "If you had the problems
I do, you’d drink too!" then you know you are living with someone with 'terminal
uniqueness'!
It does not usually take those who live with an alcoholic long to conclude that he simply
cannot be believed. We want to believe their promises, their pledges to reform and to give
up. But it happens again, and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises are
broken, our hope and joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
If He Really Loves Me, He’d Stop Drinking
Did you ever say this or ask the question "why do you keep doing something that hurts
me so much?"
There are a variety of answers you may have received such as a promise to try again or
to give up soon when the time is right. Or you may have got a heap of complaints about
how bad your faults are or how his behavior is not as bad as other people’s behavior you
know and love.
This natural defensive action of ‘the best defense is a good offense’just makes you feel
annoyed and paranoid about your own behavior and actions. After all, this is the person
you loved and respected, and they are now telling you how bad you are – it is hard not to
take it on board.
The last, but not least, reply may have been a demand to back off. "I’m not beating you
up or anything, so stop overreacting!", "Leave me alone, I’m not hurting anyone." At this
stage, he has begun to think of himself as a victim of your unreasonable demands to
change, and that you are always nagging him about his problem. He has become
completely blind as to how his behavior affects other people, other than himself. He sees
himself as being a martyr with virtuous actions – a slave to something.
You watch as your once-healthy and mutually supportive relationship begins to corrode
under the toxic effects of the addiction.
The addict becomes obsessed about the new object of his affection – alcohol. It’s in the
back of his mind from the moment he wakes until the time he passes out. It becomes his
primary relationship to the detriment of all others.
Those of us who try to preserve a relationship with those in progressive addiction feel
second in line in the relationship, with the alcohol being first in line for attention; the
addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves you at this time.
I Have Tried Everything to Get Him to Stop
Threats, videos and photos of them drunk, discussions, other people’s opinions, pleas,
confrontations, ultimatums and arguments – you have probably tried them all. Sometimes
if you catch it early enough, these can work, or have worked in the past to get them to
stop drinking. However, usually (i.e. by the time you have resorted to reading books such
as this!) such efforts are met with a counter attack or fall upon deaf ears. Your addict's
mind will make every excuse possible to him, no matter how irrational, to excuse his
behavior and allow him to continue drinking. This can be quite hard to believe when
dealing with the loving, intelligent person you fell in love with. Your partner has a mental
illness – alcohol has made them functionally insane. The good news is that this insanity
stops and is reversed when the alcoholic stops drinking. Though easier said than done.
Alcoholics may put in effort to control their drinking and abstain, for short or long
periods to prove they are in control, which gives some relief to those living with them.
But then, they reward themselves for their good behavior by drinking again! Child-like
pleas for acceptance of their drinking, ‘But I have been so good’, ‘but it’s the weekend’,
‘I did what you asked so it’s my turn to do what I want to do’, are all common pleas to
make us feel in the wrong and them in the right. Often, we accept them.
Why Do You Stay With Him?
This is a question your friends and family have asked you a thousand times and you may
have struggled to find an answer. You know why you love this person. You love the
person they are without alcohol. It is alcohol that creates this ‘other being’, it’s the same
body but a different personality. Only those who have loved and lived with an alcoholic
can understand why you stay and why you persist.
Unfortunately addiction is the most misunderstood mental illness. When dealing with
someone with schizophrenia, you know you are dealing with someone not in their right
mind and the symptoms can be rectified or controlled with medication.
However, with addiction, the only remedy is to stop drinking alcohol. So it is seen as a
voluntary choice and decision. It is believed, by those who don’t understand the illness,
that the person is not suffering from mental delusions, they are being selfish and that they
should just stop drinking.
The Problem Spreads
It is hard to share your problems with people who don’t understand; "Just tell him to
stop", "He’s so selfish", "Threaten to leave him" and "Put your foot down" are all typical
responses. So we stop sharing, or we are so ashamed of the problem or afraid of how
people will react, we keep it as a secret and avoid too much interaction with friends or
family. We become isolated. This, and the constant emotional rollercoaster of fear, anger,
confusion, depression, bitterness and false hope we find ourselves on, leads to our own
mental health being affected.
Here are some of the symptoms other spouses and partners of alcoholics throughout the
world have experienced which you may be able to relate to:
They hide the truth: Those living with an alcoholic can devote a lot of time and energy
to hiding the alcoholic's problems. They make excuses and apologize for the behavior of
the alcoholic to employers, fellow workers, friends and relatives.
Acting out: This is a psychological term for the impulsive, immature and sometimes
irresponsible behavior that a person uses in order to handle internal emotional stress.
They may develop a ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ attitude and drink with the
alcoholic for a period. However, this is often short-lived. Hostility, bitterness and anger
erupt into loud arguments and out-of-character physical attacks.
They try to change the addict’s behavior: Most people who live with an addictive person
try to change the person or to get them to behave more acceptably. They can often
struggle with different methods for months, years or their entire lives as they believe,
"everything will be all right if I get him to give up drinking". Unfortunately, this does not
work no matter how hard they try. The harder they try to change the addict, the more the
addict will fight the attempts. The alcoholic will often claim that all the nagging makes
them drink even more.
They become isolated: As the alcoholic's problems increase, the household's contact
with friends, neighbors and relatives instinctively decreases in order to avoid shame and
embarrassment.
They give up: Depression sets in, apathy, pain and chronic fatigue often accompany it
with few moments of authentic joy, comfort and relaxation.
Do you identify with any of these symptoms? If so, you are like millions of other people
around the globe who are suffering from the normal mental health consequences of living
in a long-term, co-dependent relationship. You can’t live with them and you can’t live
without them!
So I Am Mentally Sick Too?
Yes! The good news though, is that you don’t have to wait for your partner to get better
(i.e. stop drinking) for you to get better. Once you are safe from violence, there are selfhelp steps you can take towards living a full and enjoyable life while still living with your
alcoholic loved one. Taking these steps is the most helpful thing you can do, to help your
partner get well, too.
So, let’s get started! Here is the first Golden Key to your new and better life:
GOLDEN KEY No. 1
Talk to Others in a Similar Situation
Isolation and secrecy are damaging to our health. Talking honestly and openly to people
who understand what you are going through is great therapy. In 115 countries across the
globe, there are 24,000 groups of people in similar and some in near identical situations
to you. They meet up on a weekly basis to share and support each other anonymously in a
non-judgmental way. They are called Al-Anon groups. There are usually several different
groups in an area, so you can find one you are most comfortable in or attend all of them
on different days should you feel the need. The people who attend are just like you, they
are living with, or care about, someone who is addicted to alcohol and they have been
affected by it. They will not tell you what to do or what you are doing wrong, but by
sharing and listening to how others deal with situations in a healthy way, you will find
your own solutions to daily problems.
They will not quiz you about who you are or where you are from, as the name implies,
it’s anonymous. The meetings are free and you do not even have to say your name. You
just arrive and listen and talk if you want to. No one will question you if you decide not to
say a word.
Not ready for a group meeting yet? Well, why not try an online meeting?
www.stepchat.com currently has 20 scheduled meetings online per week.
Call to Action!
Find out where there are Al-Anon groups in your area or in a town nearby. Your general
practitioner or local health centre may be able to provide you with this information or you
can search online. Make a note of the meeting places, days and times in your notebook
for reference.
You’re Obsessed With His Drinking
Those living with alcoholism live in chaos. You hate to see your partner change because
of what they drink. You hate being lied to and having to be on your guard all the time.
You become obsessed with controlling their drinking and forget about your own needs,
you believe that getting them to quit drinking is the most important thing in life – you
believe once that is fixed everything else will fall into place. Your own needs become
secondary.
If your relationship is suffering as a consequence of a person's drinking, you can be sure
of the fact that you both have problems related to alcohol. Maybe this person is not a
severe alcoholic, but the difficulties that arise as a consequence of his or her abuse have
also forced you into a destructive process. If drinking is causing problems, then there is a
drinking problem.
The road to a better life for both of you begins with the understanding that you cannot
control the alcoholic's drinking behavior long term, you cannot control them or what they
do. Change only comes from within – that applies to you as much as them. Once you
accept and understand this, you will realize that you can only take responsibility for your
own life and your own actions. However by doing so, you may have a positive effect on
the behavior of your alcoholic.
You Want Change NOW!
Al-Anon and AA are not affiliated with any religion or sect, but there is a common
prayer that is said at the end of most meetings:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Even if you don’t believe in God, think about the words; to accept the things you cannot
change you need to develop serenity, but you need to be wise enough to recognize the
things you can change and you need to muster up courage to change these.
Impatience is a huge trait of an alcoholic and partners of alcoholics tend to develop the
same trait. We want change desperately and we want it now! Take your recovery slowly.
You are now going to start growing again as a person, so you need to force yourself to
have patience so you can develop at your own speed. Don’t force change. Your mind is a
powerful tool and it has probably spent a significant amount of time building the perfect
intricate barrier to shield you against the emotional blows. So treat yourself and your
mind gently!
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CHAPTER 2 - YOU WHO!
Who is Ruining Your Life?
Those who live with alcoholism often see themselves as martyrs or as victims of
alcoholic behavior. They shoulder all this responsibility, they sacrifice their own interests
and lives to keep things together. They tend to forget the fact that the alcoholic is actually
a capable adult.
The reason why the alcoholic continues to drink is because they are not taking
responsibility for their actions, they have a mental illness which causes them to be selfindulgent, and their lives have stagnated. The stagnation usually started to happen around
the time that their drinking started to become a problem. This is why alcoholics act
immaturely – determined to do what they want to do and get what they want.
Now think about how you are behaving – Are you taking responsibility for your life?
Are you taking actions to stop your partner drinking, but in so doing, are you neglecting
your own development? Did your life begin to stagnate from the time when your
partner’s drinking became a problem?
By sacrificing your own day-to-day life to control, or at least trying to control, another
human being’s behavior or actions, you are not doing yourself or anyone else any favors.
You are not winning points in Heaven nor are you helping your partner. You are, in fact,
probably helping them on their quest to keep drinking. This is called enabling which
we’ll deal with later.
I bet when you read the name of this chapter ‘Who is Ruining Your Life?’, you
immediately thought of your alcoholic loved one. This is incorrect!
You may find it a bit unsettling to hear what I am about to say, so brace yourself!
The person responsible for your daily life continuing to be difficult, depressing or
miserable, is not your partner, your family or your god - it is you. You are responsible for
how you let people affect you and how you affect other people. You are an individual
with responsibility for every action and decision you make. You are responsible for your
words, your actions, your emotions and your decisions. Maybe this was not always the
case – maybe you had an arranged marriage, maybe you were young and foolish when
you got into this relationship – BUT that was then and this is now!
Exercise 1 - Actions
For every action you do today, I want you to say to yourself:
I, (Your name), am responsible for ... . making this dinner, turning on this computer,
bringing the children to school, etc.
Do the same for every decision you make.
I, (Your name), am responsible for deciding to ... make the dinner, buy the groceries,
read a book, have a shower, pray, stay in bed, watch my favorite TV program, ring my
mum for a friendly chat.
Don’t forget to say it before the yucky stuff, too! So include; "I am responsible for ...
cleaning up after my alcoholic partner, hiding their drink, buying them their drink, calling
my partner's boss to say they can’t make it to work, making up an excuse for why they
can’t be somewhere, opening bills, telling him he needs to shower and clean himself up,
waking him up for dinner, hiding the evidence of his drinking to family ... "
Make a list of 20 things you took responsibility for in the last week/month. Include 10
yucky things!
I took responsibility to ... and list in your notebook the things 1-20.
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CHAPTER 3 - TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
‘It’s your fault that I drink ... right that’s it,. I’m tired of your nagging, so I’m going for a
drink ... who can blame me for drinking when living with you ... if you had/hadn’t done
that I wouldn’t be drinking now ... ’
The majority of partners of alcoholics have heard this type of blame at some time or
often. It’s hard not to take it on board as we probably were nagging, or doing the thing,
that they are now blaming for their resulting behavior. So we say "yes, it is partly my
fault that they act the way they act."
Earlier, I explained how it is not the alcoholic ruining your life, you are an adult and
responsible for your actions and reactions. Well, the same goes for your alcoholic loved
one. They are adults, responsible for their actions and reactions. You are not responsible
for ruining their day or their life. They are adults and you are an adult. You are both
individuals who fell in love and things have now gone out of control. You both need to
take control of your own lives again, and stop controlling each other’s. You cannot
control your loved one or their behavior, but you can control your own. What I want to do
is show you how to gain strength to identify, and gain a worthwhile life, while still loving
the person who has the addiction problem.
Call to Action! From today, you are no longer going to blame someone else or your
circumstances for the way you feel, the way you act, the way you are, the person you are,
the things you say or the actions you take.
The same way that from today, you are no longer going to allow any other adult to
blame you for how they feel, act or live. You do not have to voice this aloud, but remind
yourself daily, that every adult is responsible for their own actions.
Taking Responsibility For You
To date, you have been leaving your fate and your happiness in the hands of your
partner’s actions and behavior. It is someone you love, but their actions and decisions are
awful!
You may be feeling that you are suffering the consequences of bad choices, "I should
never have married him", "I should never had children with him", "I shouldn’t have given
him control of the bank account". These are decisions that you made in the past and the
past cannot be changed, but you now have the power to change the future.
When you look back on the years of your partner’s drinking, it may seem years of the
same thing, the same routine of crisis management, financial disasters and an all
consuming time of constantly trying to control his life and actions while neglecting
yourself and your life.
You saw yourself as a survivor, at times a martyr for the cause, a warrior, a saint, a
strong-minded person. But when you get through this episode in your life (and you will
get through it!) and you look back on it, you will probably feel like a fool for not taking
real responsibility earlier, and as a result, living in chaos for years. Do not regret those
years. There is no point in regretting the past. Praise yourself instead, for eventually
getting strong enough to pull your feet out of the sludge and for taking the hard gallop to
a better path – You will do this by taking one 100% responsibility for your own life. And
that is what you are going to do. You are going to take 100% responsibility for how your
life is going and the path it is taking.
Exercise 2 - Achievements
Think back on everything you have achieved in your life. These may be big or small
achievements. It could be a standard of education, an award or ‘bringing’ a child into the
world. It might be a lifelong ambition you completed, an instrument you learned to play, a
charity you assisted, a debt you paid off, a room you decorated, a cake you made. It might
help to break your life into sections of 5 or 10 years and write a list of 5 things for each
period.
So the first 10 might include: finishing each year of school, scout badges, swim classes,
potty training, learning to speak!
Your last 5 or 10 might include: learning to drive, negotiating a loan or rent for your
house, teaching your child a nursery rhyme, getting a job interview.
List 10 of your Top Achievements in your notebook.
When you are feeling low and weak, look back on this list and it will give you strength
to know you can achieve, you can stay strong and you can do a lot when you put your
mind to it.
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CHAPTER 4 - ACTIONS AND REACTIONS
You want your alcoholic to take responsibility for his actions and stop his current
behavior that is wasting away his life, don’t you? However, for you to be of assistance to
him in this endeavor, you need to apply the same formula to your own life.
To stop him behaving the way he does, you need to stop behaving the way you do and
stop blaming him for your resulting unhappy life. If you don’t want to be a doormat, then
get up off the floor! Your life path or your quality of life is not his fault nor a result of
their actions. It is a result of your ‘reactions’. This is the same in reverse; his drinking,
quality of life or life choices are not a result of your actions.
Call To Action!
Look at your partner’s life. Think about how they are wasting precious days of their life.
Now think about your own life, how many days recently have you spent looking after
your own dreams and happiness? If the answer is none, then those days that you just
existed or existed to deal with the results of their addiction were wasted too. Make a
decision to never waste another day, do something every day to improve your life - no
matter how little.
100% Responsibility
To progress, you have to take 100% responsibility for every element of your life - your
health, your happiness, your finances, your emotions. This is not easy, but believe me,
once you start taking back control of yourself, you will feel an immense burden lifted
from your shoulders. If you are a parent, you also have to do this for your children's
lives, which makes summoning the strength to do this all the more difficult. But you had
the strength to pick up this book and start reading it, so you are already on the journey to
taking back responsibility and moving forward from the sludge of stagnation.
To take 100% responsibility means you must stop blaming your alcoholic for the
circumstances you find yourself in and stop being the victim, stop making excuses, stop
feeling sorry for yourself, stop thinking yourself as a saint or martyr, stop blaming him
for the decisions you make and the reasons why you can’t do things. Your current life is
the result of all your successes and your failures. It is only by acknowledging that you
have created your life to date that you can move on and create a better life for you and
your family.
You may be screaming, “100% responsibility? I already shoulder 200% responsibility
and more!”
If you don’t currently live your life you have to change. Notice I didn’t say you have to
change your alcoholic’s behavior or his life, but your life. I know this may sound difficult
and complicated when your lives are entwined; there are the kids, the finances, the dog,
the cat, the house, the car, the bills, the debt, but these are all excuses for you not to
regain control of your life.
You are not responsible for the operations of the entire universe, but you are responsible
for your own actions. You do not need to take care of everything and everybody - you do
have a choice in this matter. Yes, there are elements which are all part of your life, which
you need to deal with and take responsibility for, but if you want different results from
your life, you need to change the way you currently deal with things. In other words, if
you keep using the same recipe, you’ll keep getting the same cake.
Call To Action! Keep a check on how you think and how you speak about the alcoholic’s
effect on your life. If you find yourself blaming them for your quality of life stop yourself
and say; "This is my life and I am in control of my great life, no one else can control my
life'.
Taking Responsibility for the Alcoholic
It is human nature to shield, protect and nurture the ones we love. Living with an
alcoholic loved one challenges this instinct. A lot of things go wrong in the lives of
drinkers: their home, work, family, appointments, etc., all tend to suffer in various
degrees. Human nature kicks in and our help often consists of solving the things that go
wrong, such as running errands for the person, buying them drinks to get them through a
bad period, cleaning up after them, making excuses to work and friends or canceling their
appointments.
When it comes to loving and caring for an alcoholic we tend to help them through their
day in whatever way we can so we can survive and live with hope. We adopt their
responsibilities as our own. In the short term, this is helpful for the drinker, and they
appreciate our help, because without it, their life as an alcoholic would be so much more
difficult.
Think about how you help your alcoholic partner. Now start asking yourself, what
exactly is your help and support is actually doing for the drinker? Does your help make it
easier or more difficult for the person to keep drinking? Are you enabling his bad
behavior by not letting him see what he is doing?
Think about it, if your partner’s bottles, spillages and mess are all cleaned up and tidied
away by the time he sobers up, he has no evidence of how bad his drinking is. His mind
will tell him, "Look around everything is fine and lovely, your drinking is in control, so
it’s okay for you to continue drinking".
If he does not have to answer to people about his behavior because you have picked up
the pieces, made excuses on his behalf and swam oceans to cover up for him – he doesn’t
have to face up to awkward questions.
In other words, he does not have to face consequences for his behavior or actions
because you have already cushioned the blow or stopped it in its tracks for him.
So if he does not have to face up to the fact that his drinking is causing problems in his
life, well then why should he stop drinking? He has no motivation to do so. You will
continue to make sure life continues as is, solving his problems so he can continue his life
as is, i.e. drinking. Why not? It isn’t causing any harm! What you are doing is putting off
the inevitable – you are enabling him to continue on his road of destruction. Things are
not going to improve, but are only going to get worse if you continue to enable his bad
behavior. So it may be better for him to face things that go wrong, so that he realizes what
he is doing.
Debt
When the bills are late, don't take a second job to bail out the alcoholic who refuses to
work. If you are working and paying all the bills, and the alcoholic is not working, you
may want to consider leaving for a while and forcing the responsibility of work on to the
alcoholic. If he should lose his home, it is not your responsibility. Of course, if you are
living together and he is the main breadwinner, dealing with debt can be a difficult task.
This issue is one of the more difficult parts to deal with in this process of change. Once
you are accepting your responsibility and you are providing a home for you and your
children, it is the alcoholic's responsibility to do the same for himself.
Call to Action! Start a secret emergency fund. Put a little money aside every day or
week. Do not be tempted to dip into it. This is your cash reserve in the event you have to
get out of your situation quickly. Aim to have enough put aside for a motel, phone calls,
food, gas or cab fare.
Golden Key No. 2
To Help, Stop Helping!
Stop enabling your partner’s behavior, but do it without fighting, threats or bribery - just
stop doing all the things that are the alcoholic's responsibility and concentrate on you.
The more you concentrate on you, the more the alcoholic will have to concentrate on
himself.
Do not bail him out of trouble for drink driving, do not lie for him or lie to him about
how much he drinks. Don't stand in the way of anything that happens to him that he
caused by his drinking.
This does not mean that you have to stop caring for your loved one, quite the opposite
actually. You need to examine your version of ‘helping’ him. Your old ways were wellintentioned and compassionate, but your old ways were depriving your loved one of
opportunities to help himself. Your actions to help them were probably to stop yourself
getting anxious, worried and stressed.
Now See What You’ve Done!
Sometimes when we want the alcoholic to see the error of his ways, we try to speed
things up and create things that show him the results of his ways and to make him feel
guilty. Do not to be tempted to create crisis situations. Do not create situations that make
it harder for the alcoholic, but do not stand in the way if situations arise that could cause
the alcoholic to want to change.
The more you concentrate on you (and the children) and remain calm, the more the
alcoholic will have to face what he is doing, because he will not have you to blame for his
drinking or actions. If you are not fighting with him, pouring out his alcohol, covering for
him when he has problems created by his drinking and lying for him, he will have to start
looking at himself. It is not a guarantee, but eventually most will see the devastation they
have caused to themselves and to others and eventually seek help. One thing is sure
though, if you continue to stand in his way of seeing the consequences of his actions, he
is sure to continue drinking.
This does not mean that you have to become selfish or uncaring, but you need to do
everything in proportion. You can still care for your partner, without wrapping him in a
false protective layer. Think about the things you are doing for him that you would not
need to do if he was a normal, capable, sober human being. The things that you are taking
responsibility for, that are not really your responsibility. Leave him to do these things
such as undressing himself, calling his job, cleaning up after himself.
In other words, don’t protect the drinker from the naturally occurring consequences of
drinking. If he embarrasses himself, don’t make excuses, or if he falls, don’t pick him up.
For most people, this kind of ‘tough love’ is a difficult thing to do, ignoring a loved one's
actions when they are drunk goes very much against the grain. However, protecting the
drinker means that they never suffer the consequences and so are never aware of the
severity of their drinking.
Many believe that problem drinkers only seek help when they are hurting, when they no
longer can bear the way they live, so protecting the drinker only delays that time coming.
Exercise 3 - Review
Look back at your list of responsibilities in your notebook from Exercise 2. Now cross
off the items on the list that are not your responsibility, but actually the responsibility of
your alcoholic loved one – the things they would normally be capable of doing when they
are sober – such as their hygiene, cleaning up after them, making excuses on their behalf.
Now put an X beside the items that they would normally share with you should they be
sober – sharing the washing up, tidying the house, cutting the lawn.
Look at the items left on your list – it’s probably a lot shorter and the things that remain
are your core daily responsibilities that in a ‘normal’ life you would do. You are no longer
to allow yourself to do the crossed-off items. Also don’t tell him to do normal day-to-day
things that are on the list that a normal functioning person would do – it is not your
responsibility to tell another adult to do basic things. However, regularly when he is
sober, ask him to do one of the items with an X. Don’t ask a second time, don’t pester,
don’t check up on whether he has done it or not, just ask in a way that shows you take it
for granted that he will do it. If you end up doing it yourself, don’t make a big deal of it.
The idea is to begin to treat the alcoholic in a normal way, without taking responsibility
for his actions.
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” (Lao-tse)
Alcoholics Anonymous defines insanity as ‘continuing the same behavior and expecting
a different result’. If your partner continues drinking, his life is only going to continue to
get the same results. The same goes for you. If you keep on reacting to his drinking and
continue to blame him for your resulting life, than your life is not going to get any better
either.
Taking responsibility for the choices you make is an empowering energy. It takes two to
tango, and you are participating in this duo, which isn’t improving your life. I was
surprised to hear in rehab counseling that I was as sick as my husband, my mental illness
was feeding off my reactions to his actions. I had been severely affected by alcohol
without being the drunk. You too need to look at your own recovery and stop spending
time reacting to your alcoholic’s life decisions and wishing your life was different.
Don’t feel guilty about the past. That was a time when you did not have the tools or the
strength to make a decision and follow through with it. It was the best you could do under
the circumstances, but now you need to move forward. While you can’t change the past,
you can make amends and learn from mistakes. You need to define what you are
responsible for and the values you want to live by.
Likewise, don’t feel threatened by the future. By taking responsibility and changing your
behavior, you will lead a more fulfilling and enjoyable life, just take one day at a time.
Don’t expect things to happen overnight, but by taking little steps every day which may
be hardly noticeable, you will look back some day and say, "Wow, look how far I’ve
come!" You will start to feel proud of the choices you have made in your home life, work
life, family life and about yourself.
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CHAPTER 5 - THE U-TURN BACK TO YOU
Who are you? Can you answer this question? During my early 20s, I used to say "I am
an independent young woman, who loves traveling and writing, believes in living every
day to the fullest and I have tons of dreams which no one can stop me following.’ This
was my Life Expectation.
By the time I had reached rock bottom with my husband’s drinking less than 10 years
later, I would have described myself as; "I’m a mother of two, a wife of an alcoholic, I
have given up struggling to pay my debts. I had dreams, but currently I would give
anything for a normal life with a non-alcoholic partner. I don’t have time at the moment
to follow my dreams or even remember what they are, they probably weren’t very
practical. Emm – travel is a pain now as it’s too stressful with an alcoholic partner in tow.
I feel older than my years. I envy my friends' lives and feel bitter about the hand that God
has dealt me. I like to keep a positive attitude for the children and a brave face to friends,
but sometimes this is hard so I often avoid friends and family for as long as possible.
Writing? I don’t have time really and I don’t have time to exercise or look after my health
the way I used to, I’m too busy trying to sort out other people’s lives. But I feel I am a
strong person.’ This was my Real Life Description.
Exercise 4 - Life Description
Summary of You: Read my Real Life Description again and in your notebook write your
present Real Life Description. In 10 lines, summarize yourself - Your lifestyle, how you
view yourself, how you behave daily.
Now, think back to you life before your current situation; when you were a teenager or
young adult and think back to how you imagined or wanted your future to be like. Think
about how you saw yourself, how you wanted other people to see you. In your notebook
write 5 lines describing your Life Expectation, i.e. how you imagined yourself and your
life.
Tired of Living Your Life Description?
I got very tired of living in my Real Life Description, so I began to experiment with
new ways of living, loving and thinking. Through these methods, I have completely
changed my life and my outlook. I have returned to loving and living life to the fullest
and I am going to teach you it.
As a result of four years of my ‘experimenting’, my Life Description changed to: "I’m a
young mum of two in her 30s, but I feel I’m about 10 years younger and am getting
younger rather than older! My passions are my family, traveling and writing and living
life to the full. I cry laughing at least once a week, if not more. I still have debts, but I
managed four foreign holidays last year, completed my first novel and have a good
relationship with my happy, healthy kids and my loving husband. I don’t let my
responsibilities, such as my job, get in my way of looking after myself.’
Did you notice how I no longer identify myself as a wife of an alcoholic? Actually,
alcohol doesn’t feature in any part of my life’s description. My husband is still an
alcoholic, although not an active alcoholic, at the time of writing (I never take sobriety
for granted).
There is more to your identity than another person’s disease. For example, if you found
out a co-worker had cancer, would you generally prioritize your identity as: ‘My name is
X and I’m a co-worker of a cancer patient, so I am a victim of cancer.’ Being the coworker of a cancer patient may be relevant if you were attending a support meeting or
fundraising event for cancer services, but generally it wouldn’t form part of your identity.
The same applies to living with the effects that alcohol has on another person. So, unless
you are in a support group meeting or counseling session, the fact that your spouse,
partner, family member or friend is an alcoholic is not part of your identity.
My husband is part of my life, but I stopped his addiction being part of me and by doing
so, he became sober.
If your life description and your identity is lost among an avalanche of problems and
burdens, we need to look at why your life is getting so out of order, so far off the path
from your Life Expectation and find the first steps to getting it back on track.
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CHAPTER 6 - GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION
When a family member discovers they have an illness, friends and family members
usually rally support from near and far. They take the kids, do errands, call regularly, etc.
Addiction is one of the most isolating diseases for the sufferer, and more so, for those
who live with them. I say more so, because the sufferer usually buries their isolation in a
bottle that helps them forget and make the years pass without caring for how anyone else
feels. Having friends and people to talk to is extremely important during your recovery.
People who live with an active alcoholic devote a lot of time and energy hiding the
alcoholic's problem. We spend time apologizing for someone else’s actions, while the
person who carried out the action may be oblivious to what they have done. We can’t
apologize enough to employers, co-workers, friends, other family members and relatives
for bad behavior that we didn’t do!
Isolation kicks in as early as a few months into serious addiction, and this isolation from
friends, family and society gradually takes over, although it can take years before you
actually recognize what is happening. As the problem increases, contact with your social
circles decreases in order to avoid difficult situations, shame and embarrassment.
However, you may have yourself believe that this lack of contact is for other reasons –
you’re too busy, you have drifted apart for other reasons, etc.
Talking to someone about your feelings can help you feel less alone and that person
might be able to help you.
Paranoia can affect you, too. You may feel someone hasn’t called you or stopped to talk
to you because they know your secret. They haven’t asked you to their wedding because
they don’t like you anymore. Other peoples' reactions are absorbed and eat away at selfesteem. It’s only after your recovery that you will look back and see why people were like
that; they had lives with problems and challenges, too, and your life with alcoholism may
have affected your behavior towards them.
If you have lost friends due to embarrassment of your loved one's behavior, it is time to
start making amends with old friends and/or making new friends.
If you had friendships that were near and dear to you, but have gone by the wayside,
take some time to examine the reasons. They are usually one of these three:
1. Same Friends: You socialized together with your alcoholic loved one as part of the
group, but your alcoholic partner began to continuously drink too much and became
obnoxious, aggressive, sick, or a responsibility for the rest of the group. The invites to go
out began to decrease over time.
Solution: Become an independent socializer. A main part of this solution is to stop
having secrets. If they were your friends, they obviously recognized that your partner had
a drinking problem which ended up ruining everyone’s fun, before you were ever ready to
admit that he actually had a drinking problem.
If your friends still go out socializing together, maybe give them a call, acknowledge
how bad your partner’s behavior was at times and ask them to give you a call the next
time they are meeting up and suggest that you go out with them without your partner. It
might be awkward the first occasion or two, but soon they will recognize you as a person
in your own right and not just half of a couple and invite you out as an independent
socializer. This will take you out of your isolation.
Be careful not to talk about your ‘problems’ when out. Use the nights out as a complete
break away from your issues. Even if a friend asks about your partner, do not talk about
him (no matter how tempting!), just say you don’t want to talk about it tonight, but maybe
you could have a chat about it on the phone during the week - and wait for them to call
you.
2. You Have Grown Apart: Sometimes when even the best of friends get married or
move on with their lives, there is so much of a difference between their lives, that it is
difficult for one or both to relate to the other anymore. If one friend got married and had
kids while the other is single and doing a Master's degree or partying their way around
the world, then it’s very hard for them to relate to the trials, challenges and joys that
married life with kids can bring.
Solution: Send the birthday and Christmas cards. Send the odd e-mail or stay in touch
through a communication network such as Facebook. Eventually your lives will level out
and you will find common ground again to relate to each other and remember old times!
Burn Out: Your friends never phone anymore or return your calls.
Think about the last series of calls you had with them? Did you cry, complain, pour your
heart out? Indeed that is what friends are for – to share the good times and help you
through the bad. But think back, think about the problems your friends shared with you,
can you remember them? How often did you call and ask how things are for them? Can
you remember?
The point is, you probably can’t remember because there is a strong possibility that you
called your friends on a regular basis and complained or moaned about how your partner
was behaving. They probably offered an ear the first few times and offered solutions or
advice – such as leave him, get him to rehab, don’t put up with it. You listened, kind of,
but didn’t take their advice, instead you continued the same behavior and continued to use
their listening ears to vent your emotions.
Alternatively, you may have used their home as a place of refuge on one or more
occasions and sworn that you would never go back to live with your alcoholic. Your
friends, on these occasions, probably sacrificed hours of their time to hand you tissues or
offer a comforting ear and agreed you were right to leave. But what did you do? You went
back. When your friend called, you probably brushed over everything and said things
were different, you now knew how to change things, you were in control, etc.
Solution: Everyone has challenges in their lives. Your friend’s may have problems that
they don’t want to burden you with because you have enough to deal with in your own
life. Or they may have enough to deal with in their own life without having to continue
listening to the same problem from you over and over. The first step to rekindling this
type of dwindled friendship is learn how to listen. That might sound easy, but it’s more
difficult than you think!
*******************
CHAPTER 7 - LISTENING
From living with an alcoholic, your mind will have become used to racing ahead. You
try to live 10 steps ahead of the action your alcoholic partner may take and you come up
with a variety of reactions you can do for different scenarios each day. So you are
constantly thinking ahead, rather than living in the moment. When you are not living in
the moment, you cannot give anyone or anything 100% of your attention, and that is what
listening requires.
I learned to listen in rehab aftercare. Aftercare was a once-a-week meeting for addicts
and their partners, which we agreed to attend for a two-year period following my
husband’s stay in rehab. Each week, each person at the meeting had time to talk about
their week and how they coped with different situations.
It was easy to spot the new people in the group. They were either staring off into space
thinking about their own problems, or dying to talk about themselves so much that they
couldn’t contribute to what the rest of the group was saying. They weren’t listening.
Gradually, they began to find it a safe and secure place to discuss their ups and downs,
their worries and their joys.
With time, we all learned to listen to the rest of the group and share in what they had to
say. Before joining the group, I would always have been the first to jump in with a
solution or offer advice, "Do you know what you should do ... " However, these group
meetings taught me that I don’t have to be the one to find a solution to everyone’s
problems, or to be the judge of how they are dealing with situations. Once you stop trying
to predict how things will probably work out in every situation, you are better able to pay
attention to what you are doing and what people are saying.
You may be like what I was like, and when people offer you advice, a voice in your
head is saying ‘they don’t understand!’ Unless someone has lived with alcohol, it is
indeed difficult for them to understand, that is why rehab groups and Al-Anon groups are
terrific - you are surrounded by people who have been through the same experiences as
you. They can offer listening support, so you can figure out the best way forward for you.
If you don’t think a friend understands your situation or can give you productive advice,
don’t talk to them about that part of your life. Talk to them about the children, your job,
your co-workers, your dreams, everything else but your partner and your relationship –
save that for your Al-Anon meetings.
If you know someone who is helpful and you respect their advice, replace complaining
with making requests for advice, and then listen to it. If you feel deep down that what
they are saying is the right course of action ,then follow their advice. It is up to you to
make the change and do something different. There is no point in complaining, as it will
solve nothing without follow-up action.
********************
CHAPTER 8 - QUALITY TIME
You have to push yourself to live your life another way. Making friends is not easy as an
adult, especially if your guard is up and your self-esteem is knocked from living with
such a big secret. A good way to start is to join an Al-Anon group, these are non
judgmental, ordinary people just like you. By attending, your self-confidence will grow
again. When you are feeling down, alone, isolated or angry, you can pick up the phone
and call one of the people in your group who can help see you through the tough times.
Once you have some self-confidence back, push yourself to get out each day – get a
part-time job, join a parent and toddler group, become a volunteer at a local charity shop,
go back to school, take a night class. You don’t have to tell your life story to the first
person you befriend (don’t do this, remember other people have problems and lives too!).
Use these new friends or colleagues to explore the positive parts of your personality and
use your Al-Anon meetings or a close family member to talk about your issues with your
partner’s drinking.
Blogging
If you have a computer with internet access, another way to share your frustrations with
people who may understand, is through blogging or participating in chat rooms. You can
set up your own blog free of charge by using a program such as www.wordpress.com.
Bloggers basically write entries into their web space on a regular basis for anyone to read.
Some are experts in their field, others are people just like you, experiencing and dealing
with their day-to-day lives and then sharing it and their thoughts with the world at large.
You can blog anonymously if you wish, and it is a great way to express your thoughts and
feelings and get things off your chest. If you are computer illiterate, you have just
identified the night course you should take!
However, sitting at the computer blogging or in chat rooms everyday cannot replace the
necessity to get involved in doing outside activities which will help you forget about the
problems at home for a while and develop self-respect.
Call to Action! This weekend go out somewhere for two hours without your partner.
Maybe a walk on a beach or a park. Don’t do it on conditions, don’t call to check on
them. Don’t do it as an act or a ‘now I’ll show him’. Do it for you. Think about the good
things in your life and don’t allow negative thoughts to take over.
Golden Key No. 3
Enjoying Your Own Company
Make a commitment to go out on an outing or just a pleasure walk each weekend. If you
have kids, make it part of their weekend routine. It doesn’t have to be a major event, just
a couple of hours. When you are getting ready to go, invite your partner to go with you, if
they are sober. If their answer is ‘no’. accept it, don’t try to push them into going with
you. Remember you are doing this for yourself (and for your relationship with your
children, if you have children,) not for the alcoholic. This is another little step to taking
more responsibility for yourself and the other non-addicted people around you. If the
alcoholic in your life wishes to come along that’s fine, if not, that’s fine too. Remember
you can do things together, as well as with others or on your own.
Making Plans
In the past, the alcoholic has probably let you down a lot when making plans for outings,
events, holidays, etc. Do not make plans around your partner any longer. Make plans for
you and your children, or you and a friend and just go have fun. Without your partner
involved, you no longer have to worry if the event or outing is just another day that the
alcoholic is going to ruin.
He isn't purposely trying to destroy his own life, he is sick. You can help him want to get
well, by allowing him to realize that he is missing out on valuable precious time with you
and family. This realization will not happen immediately, but usually does with time.
When you are at the event or the planned outing, don't waste time preparing what you
are going to tell him when you get back. If he asks, talk about it, but don’t force this
information upon him, just relax and enjoy your time away from the house and gradually
it will speak volumes. This is so much better than you making him feel guilty or left out.
Change won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.
Time Out Alone
By simply spending more time with friends, going out to a class or an Al-Anon meeting,
you may be accused by the alcoholic of not caring, having an affair or not being there
when they need you. This is because your new behavior is challenging their comfort
zone, you are the security blanket to their addiction and you are threatening that security.
Alcoholism also causes paranoia, so to keep things ‘as is’, their mind will create all sorts
of reasons why you shouldn’t go or shouldn’t change. All sorts of guilt will be heaped on
your shoulders for leaving the house for an hour to be an adult.
Alternatively, he may tell you all the things that happened while you were out and how
great he was to deal with it. Everyday stuff that you deal with, but to him it’s a big deal
because he wanted to prove to you that he is a responsible adult without you. Which is
fine, so don’t make a big deal out of it, let him talk.
To change means that you will experience something new, different and unknown.
Because of that, we are all afraid of change to some degree, but do it and keep at it. If you
accept that the only person in the problematic relationship you can change is you, and that
you are willing to actually make an effort in order to change, you then are giving yourself
the power to change the direction of your life radically.
*****************
CHAPTER 9
YOUR OWN MIND'S HEALTH
You have probably tried a whole variety of ways to get through to the alcoholic you
love. This might include sarcasm, sneers or clever verbal attacks. You may spend hours
rehearsing what you are going to say - polishing the cutting words, to such an extent that
they will sink so deeply that they can’t be forgotten, no matter how drunk the person gets.
Physically, you may have lashed out, filling you with further shame and regret at how
‘bad’ a person you have become. This is not how you wanted to treat the love of your life.
This was not part of the fairytale image of happiness you had at the start of your
relationship. You may be surprised how nasty you can become at times. You might feel as
guilty or as shameful as the alcoholic does when he sobers up and recaps his behavior. As
a result, you may not like yourself very much.
Exercise 5 - Negativity
Write a list of adverbs that describe you.
Underline the negatives and highlight the positives.
Now look at the negatives. Have you used words such as stupid, lazy, critical, boring?
Would you use these to describe a friend? You’d probably have to dislike the person a lot
to describe them in such negative terms.
Stop beating yourself up! Start to treat yourself the same way you would treat your best
friend and double it. None of us are perfect, but it is only by treating yourself with love
and approval that you can recover from the damage you have done to yourself by living
with alcoholism.
Dealing with Your Own Anger
Anger is a powerful emotion and it is important to vent it in some way, but in a way that
is not regretful.
When you feel the need to lash out, you need to call someone or go for a walk or do
something that relaxes you and removes you from the situation. Take the children and go
to the park, call a friend and go out for coffee. The more you keep the situation in control
and the less you fight with the alcoholic, the more he or she will come to realize that it is
their behavior and not yours that causes them to drink. They will begin to own their
behavior as you own yours. You cannot control their behavior and it is not your
responsibility to do so. The only thing you can do is control how you respond to their
drinking. No response is often the best response.
Call To Action! The next time you feel that anger bubbling up inside and feel like you
need to vent a humiliating attack on the alcoholic, walk away from the situation. Get a
paper and pen and write every nasty thing you want to say. Writing is a great way of
venting your anger! Once you have done this, you can burn the paper with the nasty
words and be proud of how you dealt with the human being in your life rather than feel
ashamed of your own behavior.
If possible or appropriate, find a time when the person is sober and communicate in a
more calm and constructive manner. Ninety-five percent of what an alcoholic says when
drinking is manipulative and hogwash anyway. Don’t start believing in the lies of the
disease, even if the lies include hopeful messages such as "I’m never drinking again!"
Don't try to convince your partner to stop drinking when they are drunk. Separate
yourself from the antics of the alcoholic. The more you do not respond, and spend that
time looking out for your own well-being the healthier you (and your children) will
become. The house will be calmer and not filled with the chaos you have lived with for so
long. No matter what the alcoholic does, it will not affect you the way it did before, and
although you can be sympathetic when he gets into trouble, you will no longer try to
solve his problems for him because you will be too busy taking care of your
responsibilities to worry about his.
It Takes Time
Do not expect things to happen overnight. It has taken both your partner and you a long
time to dig the hole this deep, it will take the same time and energy to fill it in and
achieve a level playing field. Don’t have expectations of how the alcoholic partner is
going to react to the way you are changing, the ways you are correcting your behavior to
achieve the life of your dreams. This can take weeks, months or years.
The pattern usually follows similar stages:
1. You start to make changes in your behavior.
2. Alcoholic protests, bullies, tries to control you as he wants to stay in his comfort zone.
3. You continue to grow in self-confidence and independence and are less affected by his
behavior.
4. Alcoholic sulks and alters his behavior tactics to control you.
5. You begin to enjoy elements of your new behavior. You are now detached but still
loving the person.
6. The alcoholic becomes afraid as he sees he is losing control of the situation and life is
not as easy as it used to be. He begins to realize he has a problem and is not happy with
his lifestyle.
7. You continue to be detached and not controlling of his life choices.
8. The alcoholic gets fed up with his lifestyle and the results of his behavior (rock
bottom).
9. He starts to look for ways of changing his behavior.
10. You support him in his efforts and continue your independence.
This is your path to self-improvement, if he chooses to follow it is his choice, if he does
not, there is nothing you can do about it, but at the end of the path you can look back at
how far you have come and how your life has improved.
If all else fails and the alcoholic continues to drink and not accept responsibility for the
problems he is causing, you may have to consider other alternatives.
If you have been taking care of yourself and your home is now calmer, you will be in a
much better state of mind to decide your future than if you were in the condition you have
been living in for so long. It is nearly impossible to make the right decision when we act
out of fear or desperation. We cannot change the alcoholic, but we can change ourselves
in the way we react to his drinking.
Do Not Indulge Yourself
Sometimes we adopt coping strategies such as working or eating excessively. Work can
give us a sense of mastery and fulfillment (along with needed money), and eating can be
a source of comfort and pleasure as well as a way to fuel ourselves. Work and comfort
eating can also be used to numb or avoid painful feelings and situations in ways that
might ultimately be counter-productive.
When you are in a painful relationship which you don't want to leave (for whatever
reason) it is important to take control of your own happiness in ways that do not include,
work, food or drink. If you have indulged yourself in work or food as a coping
mechanism, you will need to address this issue.
Try to enlarge your life beyond your partner, job and food by adding new dimensions to
your life that might enrich what now feels impoverished and painful. The choice of new
activities of course, depends on what best suits you. It could be a new hobby or two,
taking an adult education class in something that has interested you, socializing with
friends ... whatever works for you. Of course, counseling or life coaching could also help
you address your options.
Don’t Join Them
There is a saying and a trap that many of us fall into; ‘If you can’t beat 'em, join 'em.’
Don’t join in and drink along with the drinker. It may seem a natural thing to do, but this
just makes the drinking behavior appear to be normal, which of course it is not. Besides,
if you try and keep up, it could result in you needing help too, and one drunk is more than
enough for any household.
Depression
Things and feelings pass. After living with a chronic alcoholic for a few years, most
people get depressed. Their life has become a permanent burden with few, or no moments
of authentic joy and comfort. Apathy, aversion, physical pain and chronic fatigue may be
the bodily expressions in this process' this is because waiting for the inevitable huge dip
after the huge high of promises of sobriety or periods between binges becomes the norm.
Each dip can be more gut-wrenching than the last and we form a barrier which stops us
getting hurt – we become emotionally numb, which stops us experiencing the heartache
and sadness the dips bring. This works, but what it also does is stop the joy and laughter
that the highs bring. So we limit ourselves to a range of bland, watered-down emotions.
Golden Key No. 4
Transcendental Meditation
Life with an alcoholic is like a road trip. Raises and slumps, surprises, maneuvers,
abruptness and instability of relationships cause constant shaking of your nervous system.
When a person experiences a serious trauma, it can be followed by a sense of excitement.
This happens because when a body senses shock, adrenaline is thrown into the
bloodstream. It’s adrenaline that causes euphoria.
If you’re struggling with depression, then you may be unconsciously searching for
situations to keep you in an excited state. It is important to recognize this and to start
looking for ways to help keep your emotions on a more even level while you can still
enjoy the highs that life presents.
Daily practice of Transcendental Meditation (TM) relaxes the mind and helps stabilize
emotions. Without TM, my husband would not have stayed sober and I would not have
gotten through what I did so well. So find an Ayurvedic Centre or TM teacher near you
and enquire about learning this amazing relaxation technique.
Denial
A common trait of alcoholics is denial. Denial that they have a problem or that their
drinking causes any major problems. But partners of alcoholics also often live in denial.
We deny that our efforts to keep the peace or make life bearable for all involved are not
working. We make ourselves believe that our situation is not that bad.
Stop defending your position or maintaining your current life, because doing more of
what doesn’t work won’t make your life better. You have to recognize the problem and
decide to change things the same way the alcoholic has to change his behavior.
Denial is fear of change. Something worse might happen if we admit how bad things
actually are and have to take action. Often everyone else recognizes the seriousness of a
problem before the person living with it on a daily basis recognizes it - A case of not
seeing the forest for the trees. When you face up to a major problem like this and work
your way through it, other challenges you come up against in life will seem like a piece of
cake!
Being the Martyr
Whenever someone asked me how I was, I always answered, "Fine, how are you?" but
inside I was a crumbling mess, I didn’t listen to their answers, as I was too concerned
about how they were perceiving me.
I am not advocating that while you are chatting in the middle of the street or
supermarket and answer "I feel an emotional mess and my life is falling apart", that
would be a bit of a conversation stopper, but you do need an outlet where you can be
honest with yourself when someone asks you how you are. Al Anon is the perfect
confidential and secure place that you can do this once or twice a week.
Al-Anon Meetings
I can’t emphasize enough the benefits of Al-Anon. You can go to a meeting anywhere in
the world and be assured that the group will not be promoting affiliation of any therapies,
religion, political party or anything else. The only membership or attendance requirement
is that you have encountered a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.
****************************
CHAPTER 10
MAKING ROOM FOR CHANGE
Prepare your life for change. You need to make room in your head, mind and heart for
yourself and your new life. If you are distracted by chaos and clutter, you will not be able
to stay strong and focused.
Clean up your incompletions and your messes - so you can actually make room for more
opportunity and abundance to come into your life.
By simply taking the time to 'clean out the old' from drawers, spare rooms, under beds,
file drawers, wardrobes and your heart and mind, you will enjoy better mental health, you
will be able to deal with issues better and think straighter.
Clutter in Your Head and Heart
You may like to give the appearance to onlookers that you are that great person who they
can always rely on to be happy on the outside and available to help everyone else, even
though you have burdens of your own.
Some partners of alcoholics get comfort hearing, "You’re great, I don’t know how you
do it". The attention and pity others give because of your suffering may make you feel
‘good’. A major part of your identity may be the way people see the way you cope with
your suffering. You are not alone in this - many of us have fallen into this trap! We did it
with such elegance; we were heroes for the cause, saints in the making! We were great!
But claps on the back for ‘getting on’ with life is not to be commended. Don’t allow
yourself to miss out on life anymore.
By playing a role of a hero, you close your eyes on your disadvantages, your own
weakness. It is also possible that you may focus on being friendly with people whose
problems seem worse than yours and require solutions. You may feel you attract chaos,
however, by getting involved with people in chaos and into chaotic, uncertain and
emotionally disadvantaged situations, you avoid thoughts of responsibility for your own
life. By getting involved in other people's dramatic problems, you can comfortably ignore
addressing your own issues and avoid making practical decisions concerning important
aspects of your own life.
Looking good on the outside and ignoring our true feelings on the inside doesn’t work.
We get on with helping everyone, controlling everyone, but by doing so, we keep
everyone at a distance. This is safe behavior. "If I don’t let them past the barrier, then I
don’t have to acknowledge the pain I am feeling inside. I can keep this happy veneer and
get through life, imagining that I am making the most of the lot that I have been given".
By not sharing your true feelings with an understanding friend or group and being a ‘dogooder’, you are not achieving anything. By being more true to yourself and calling a halt
to looking after everyone else's problems, you will start to experience real
communication, real relationships and real happiness. You need to learn to say 'no' to
people who are using you to sort out their problems for them.
Exercise 6 - Responsibility
Make a list of the people you have hurt, rejected or harmed in the past.
Your answers may include anyone that you feel you have ever disappointed. When you
answer this, keep in mind that no one else needs to know your answer, so answer
truthfully. For instance, you may have your parents on the list because they expected you
to go to university but you didn’t; your daughter or son because you didn’t let them have
that tattoo; your friend because you didn’t lend her money. Be careful! You are not
responsible for everyone’s unfilled needs or desires, so these shouldn’t be included.
You are not responsible for the operations of the other people, places or things, but you
are responsible for your own actions. Do you have an exaggerated sense of
responsibility? Sometimes we can only do so much and the choices that you have to make
which are right for you may be uncomfortable or unacceptable to others. So now you may
want to revise and cross some people off. You do not need to take care of everything and
everybody - you do have a choice in this matter. Think of ways to make amends to those
left on the list. This can be done over time, once you get stronger.
There are elements in your life which you need to deal with that are your responsibility.
However, if you want different results from your life, you need to first make YOU your
primary responsibility. Remember the oxygen mask we spoke about earlier? You need to
make your own mental and emotional health your primary responsibility, before you can
help others.
Numb
Disappointment can make you numb. You begin to operate on automatic. You are like a
robot, you function, you get through the day, you do what is expected of you and say
what is expected of you. Your face, actions and voice show little expression anymore.
You have shut off your dreams and stopped expecting happiness in life. I remember
realizing this and telling myself to stop feeling sorry for myself, that this was what 'real
life' was about, this is what being grown up and responsible was about. Dreams and
excitement were childish things.
The realization that I was operating on automatic was probably my mind screaming at
me to wake up, but my barrier wanted to stop me feeling the agony of disappointment. By
stopping myself from expecting happiness or joy, I couldn’t be let down or disappointed
anymore. I was taking the less risky path. But thankfully, I had a strong mind that didn’t
want to accept the less risky, mundane, but chaos-ridden path. My mind knew that I had
the potential of feeling great happiness as well as sadness and I could deal with both. By
acknowledging that not everyone’s lives are happy all the time, and by realizing life is a
series of ups and downs, I stopped the fear of disappointment preventing me to feel
happy.
Finding Happiness
When you stop trying to control the future and by feeling your feelings as they are
happening, you begin to live in the moment. In so doing, you will stop missing the
precious moments of happiness or joy that can be overlooked because you are too busy
dealing with the bigger, ‘more important’ and more serious issues in your life. When you
do experience moments of happiness and joy, do not try to hold on to them. Do not try
and make time stand still. Like all emotions, joy and happiness come and go like the
tides, and like water, you cannot grip them and hold them. You can enjoy the sensation of
them when they are present, and when they are gone, you need to get on with things until
the next tide comes in. However, while waiting on the big splashes, we can make an extra
bit of effort to find little rock pools and create our own mini-splashes of happiness!
Happiness does not have to be created by big things such as, getting the car you always
wanted, going on an amazing holiday or paying off your mortgage (although these can all
create happiness too!). Little snippets of happiness can come from the little things in your
everyday life that you pass by.
Happiness does not come from outer things or others, it comes from within. Having
learned to take responsibility for your own actions and changing your expectations of
others ,you will stop feeling deprived of life’s glories and start creating your own.
Little steps will stop you from feeling sorry for yourself and you will start creating
situations that will develop appreciation for yourself and your own strengths.
Call to Action! Start your day with gratitude to the Universe or God. List 10 things you
can be grateful for; Your health, your sight, your children, your brain, a roof over your
head, etc.
Golden Key No. 5
Daily Moment of Happiness
Discipline yourself to find a moment of happiness and appreciation of life every day no
matter how fleeting. Work at this and do not allow yourself to feel like a helpless victim
with nothing to be happy about – happiness comes from within, so without your effort,
happiness will not be created within you.
Begin to look for little things in your everyday life that you could appreciate and enjoy.
It might be just contributing a comment or two to a light conversation with a co-worker,
petting your dog or cat, looking at the amazing intricate make-up of a flower, giving
someone a genuine compliment, splashing your child during bath time or reading them a
story at bedtime. For a spirit that is broken, this can take effort. But by appreciating the
small blessings of life, you make room in your heart for happiness, which is the key to the
healing process.
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CHAPTER 11
DESTRUCTIVE WORDS
When someone insults you, criticizes you or points out faults they believe you have, it
can make you feel low enough to believe them. Alcoholics often do this to people they
love. If someone tells you that you have two heads for long enough, you could actually
begin to believe it. What one person tells you may not be fact or correct, that is why it is
important to reach out to others and explore the limiting beliefs one person has made you
feel about yourself. By doing this, we can shed these negative views we have of ourselves
and start exploring the real us.
Gossip
When we have been treated with cruel words for years, it is easy for us to do the same to
others. For a short period, it can make us feel better about ourselves. Sometimes we can
become obsessed by other people’s problems and drama. By talking about them to others,
our own life problems seem trivial, ‘at least my life is not that bad.’ It also can give us
comfort that other people’s lives are not perfect. I'm talking about gossip. Gossip is
spread by people who have a low opinion of themselves.
Criticism
Stop taking on board harsh words, insults and the ignorant behavior of a loved one when
they are drinking. Will they remember what they said an hour after or when they wake?
No. So why should you take notice? You have to let these words go like water off a
duck’s back.
Other people's limiting behavior does not mean we have to drop our standards. Learning
to take responsibility, does not only mean taking responsibility for your actions, but also
for your words. By changing this behavior, you are forming another part of yourself that
you can be proud of. This has a knock-on effect because you start to feel good about
yourself. People who feel genuinely good about themselves no longer feel the need to
assault other people’s character, this includes the alcoholic partner. Criticism and insults
never make a situation better – they can only make someone feel worse and guilty. For an
alcoholic, this can lead to them wanting to block out that guilt and so they continue to
drink.
It is important that when you feel tension building that you do what you can to stop it
from turning into something which is a lot harder to handle. By sharing your problem
with someone early in the situation you can disperse your tension. You can do this by
calling someone you met at an Al-Anon meeting or if you haven’t got that far yet, try
writing it down. By putting what you feel into words while it is only an irritant, can stop
it turning into high drama and cruel words.
Exercise 7 - Criticism
Make a list of your alcoholic loved one’s limitations and all the little and big things you
tell them they do wrong. All the things you have criticized them for, or ‘nagged’ them
about. You could probably take hours and fill 100 notebooks doing this, so maybe set a
time limit!
Part 2:
Now I want you to list your own limitations and all the chores that you have not got
around to doing or that you keep putting off doing and the mistakes you have made in the
last month.
Maybe your alcoholic loved one points these out to you and criticizes you for them.
How do you feel when that happens? If criticizing isn’t their thing, think about how you
would feel if someone picked on you about your shortcomings regularly. You’d feel
pretty bad, wouldn’t you?
Nothing has ever improved in a positive way as a result of insulting non-constructive
criticism, and that is why you have to stop criticizing your loved one. All it does is keep
your mind on their actions or inactions, rather than focusing on your own selfimprovement.
Criticism is a way of trying to have power or control over another person’s actions or
attitude, and the only result is bitterness, frustration and hopelessness. You have to realize
that you do not have control over any other person’s thoughts or actions. You cannot stop
someone else insulting or criticizing you, but by starting with yourself, and recognizing
your own shortcomings and working on them, you can start on the road to peace of mind.
Call to Action! The next time you find a criticism about to erupt ,bite your tongue!
Distract yourself and think a positive thought about yourself instead.
************
CHAPTER 12
COURAGE TO CHANGE
This is YOUR life, no one else can change it but YOU. You are an adult, you can make
your own decisions and stop falling back on excuses or living in denial. You have to take
control of your life and do something about it.
Decide to take steps to feel good again. Remember feeling good? Relaxed? Not on edge?
What you’ll find fascinating is your reactions to verbal abuse and disappointment change
once you become determined to feel good again! It’s as if, the more you learn and
concentrate on becoming the person YOU want to be, the less upset you’ll be about
impending bad behavior, and it gets easier and easier to stop it affecting you.
If you accept that you can have a satisfactory life without your alcoholic partner meeting
any of your expectations, you will stop feeling the need to treat him badly or like a child
anymore. Sometimes we have to accept alcoholism as a disease and show compassion,
this is okay to do. By developing yourself and growing stronger on the inside, you will be
more ready to decide to stay with him and you will no longer feel miserable as you will
be in charge of your own life decisions.
It is important that you stop battling, stop trying to change external forces, stop fearing
change and start to look within.
You have to stop trying to change the things you can’t change. Change what you can, but
leave the rest. By doing this you will obtain your goals quicker.
Call to Action! Write down all the things you have achieved in life. These could be
things you did in school, positive things you have done or achieved, a swim or music
grade you achieved, a job you got, maybe you know how to cook for your family, a debt
you cleared, an award you got, a charity you helped, etc. Research shows the more you
acknowledge your past successes, the more confident you'll become in taking on this new
challenge of rebuilding your life and successfully accomplishing it.
Keep this list and refer back to it whenever you need to remind yourself about your
ability to achieve change in your current situation.
Life Aims
There is no point in wishing your life away, accept that this is your life which you are
living.
In order for your life to be more than just an existence for you, it is important that you
identify and articulate what your Life Aims are. Your Life Aims are your inner-most
driving force. They give you a sense of direction and purpose. They motivate you to your
highest levels of energy, and put you at your best. Your Life Aims are about leading a life
that is consistent with your core values and beliefs and they are the essential starting
place for your new life. Your Life Aims are there, within you. But most of us simply
haven't identified it.
Treat your life a bit like a business! Think about the greatest business owners in the
world; those people know how they got where they are and what they need to do to get to
where they're going. Great leaders had a vision of what they wanted their lives to be like,
and they lived that vision every day. They worked on their Life Aims, they did not let just
existing take over any day of their lives. I want you to work on your life every day and
stop existing. Recognize that every day of your life is precious.
I want you to start living your life intentionally, rather than randomly. How do you
actively create your dream life? It starts by looking at how you want to be in your life. It
starts with looking at your Life Aims.
Identifying Your Life Aims
To identify your Life Aims, start by forgetting about your daily life. It's about your life
and what you want that life to be like. Remember, your daily actions are a means to
support your Primary Focus.
Next, ask yourself some probing questions. Write down your answers and use those
answers as a springboard to write more about the essence of your purpose in life. To help
you get started, here are some questions;
What do I want in my life? What don't I want in my life?
How do I want my life to be on a day-to-day basis?
What would I like to be doing two years from now? Ten years from now? Twenty years
from now?
Of all the things in my life, what has given me the most satisfaction or pleasure?
What if I had everything I ever wanted; what would get me out of bed in the morning?
There is no such thing as right or wrong Life Aims. Understanding your Life Aims gives
you the ability to live your life intentionally, rather than randomly. Understanding your
Life Aims gives you the ability to make conscious choices in your actions and in your
life. Choices that are consistent with what is most important to you. It helps you set your
life's real priorities, and puts your reactions to your partner's addiction in its proper
perspective.
Successful people don't waste time in denial (or complain or make excuses for that
matter). They face situations like a warrior. They look for the warning signs, they find out
why things aren't working, and they go about fixing them - even when fixing requires
problem solving, hard work, risk, and a level of uncertainty.
Life will always be a series of choices and YOU get to decide on what will move you
closer to your Life Aims and goals, or farther away from them. External forces will
always be part of the equation, even during the good times when the world is thriving.
Sometimes recognizing the things that are NOT working in your life can be painful, yet
VERY powerful to shaping the life you want. Don't try to rationalize them, make excuses
for them or hide them. This is when it's even more critical to take personal inventory and
evict those excuses, rationalizations, and hidden habits that don't serve you. These things
will keep you from the life you want to be living.
*****************
CHAPTER 13
CAN WE CHANGE? YES WE CAN!
The only person any of us can change is ourselves. If there is a change, your relationship
with your partner will, with all certainty, also change. This gives you huge power over
your life. New changes to your lifestyle will not be welcomed by your partner initially –
you are disturbing the norm that they are satisfied to go on with to feed their need. Their
insecurities will be heightened because you will no longer be following their lead.
This takes courage, strength and renewed self-esteem. The road ahead might seem too
steep, but you can do it by taking little steps.
It may surprise you to know that simply deciding what you want is often the first and
most important step to getting it! Our brain is a goal-seeking organism. In fact, scientists
now know the brain uses its own activating system to filter through the millions of
images, sounds, impressions and other messages we receive each day, to let into our
conscious mind only that information we need to survive or meet goals we have
identified.
When you decide what you want, you instruct the brain to start looking for information,
resources, opportunities and other ways to achieve the 'want' you've identified.
If your life is to have any meaning beyond your partner’s addiction, you must connect
with what is most important to you. Your daily actions should be making a healthy
contribution to the realization of your dream. "What dream?" you may ask. Well, the
dream that started this adventure. The dream life you had envisaged for yourself when
you fell in love with your partner or maybe before you fell in love. If you are not clear
about what that dream life is anymore, how can you possibly get there?
Achieving success isn't easy. In fact, there's a lot of hard work that goes into it. But one
thing we know successful people do throughout the process is that they stayed positive
about the eventual outcome. They keep their eyes on the prize. No matter what is going
on around them, they stay focused on their goals.
Goals
There is a difference between pretending that everything is positive and taking action
towards a more positive future. A life-changing exercise I came across was goal setting as
laid out in a book called The Success Principles by Jack Canfield.
I followed the instructions of writing down my goals in detail. Not just ideas or wishes,
but I put specifics and a time line.
Instead of saying I want to earn more money, I wrote down, I want to have an income of
1,000 euros per week. Instead of I want the house of my dreams. I said I wanted an old
country house, beside a river, surrounded by mature trees and an old mill wall. Instead of
saying "I want my husband to give up drink", I said "I want my husband to have a
fulfilling life, to be healthy, content and happy."
There were about 25 things on the list. For about six months, I read over them twice a
day and then my notebook got lost. Two years later while unpacking my old bedside
locker after a house move, I found my notebook stuck at the back of a drawer. I read over
my goals with fond memories. And then I realized to my amazement, most of them had
come to fruition.
My subconscious mind had been working away behind the scenes, and slowly but surely
without me even recognizing it, I had achieved some of my goals; scuba diving with my
kids, four holidays a year, an adventure trip for myself, to be a cowgirl and I had the
income of 1,000 euro per week (I should have set my goal higher!). By the way, I was
unpacking my locker after moving into my new home; which was an old farmhouse, with
a river border, mature woodland and an old mill wall.
I haven’t yet reached my ideal weight nor have I got my best seller, but there’s still time!
None of my goals were about my husband being sober. That was out of my control, but
because it was leading me to my goals and I was becoming the person I wanted to be, my
husband saw me changing, becoming more confident and he knew if he didn’t get his act
together, he would lose me, so he had to change - he reached rock bottom and wanted to
change. He is now having a fulfilling life, and he is healthy, content, happy and most of
all sober.
Golden Key No. 6
Set Your Goals
Make a list of all the things you want to achieve in life - Your Goals (no matter how
strange or unlikely!) Don’t let logic kick in.
Read it aloud once in the morning and once before you go to sleep at night. Concentrate
on it. Without any other effort you will find subtle changes happening in your life which
lead you to fulfill your goals. It works - try it!
Think of your wording. Be exact. So instead of: "I want my partner to get sober", think
about why you want him sober, the end result. You might reword it as: 'That I will have a
sober, caring, loving partner who will respect me and love me and bring me breakfast in
bed every Sunday morning by June 2016'.
As you move forward with your other goals, your partner may fall in line and become
sober and be that loving partner. Or you may find by June 2016 while you munch on your
breakfast in bed on a Sunday morning that it was brought to you by a new, more loving
partner! So be careful of how you word your goals and the way you direct your mind!
Destiny
You have no control over other people, places or things. You are the master of your own
destiny. There is an AA saying; ‘Let Go and Let God.’ If you believe in a higher power,
this is a very good thing to live by. Basically, once you have done your best, you need to
let God or the Universe do the rest. You do not have the power to ruin God’s or the
Universe’s plans! But you do have the power to make the most of the life you have been
blessed with.
“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when
you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.”
– Victor Hugo.
Detach But Still Love
In a lot of ways you are powerless to getting your loved one to stop drinking. The first
step in being able to detach is by realizing that the actions of the alcoholic are not your
problem or your responsibility. You do have the power to be the owner of your own
actions and to allow your alcoholic and other family members to own theirs, gradually, or
suddenly in some cases, this could make them realize that they have a problem when they
see the results of their actions. So your own ability to change your ways of dealing with
things is your power.
You can listen and identify with other peoples' pain or joy without having to own it or
trying to control it. By learning to take care of your own life and allowing others,
including your alcoholic partner, to tend to theirs, you can detach without losing
compassion.
Don’t Play Games
We all want instant sobriety, but it can only come with time. Sometimes it is tempting to
set up situations so that they will be embarrassed into becoming sober or to make things
more awkward for them. Don’t do this, as it only takes up your head space and makes
you a person you don’t want to be.
Remember, recovery now is about you, not the alcoholic. By looking after yourself and
by no longer taking responsibility for the actions of another adult, you will soon learn to
have the freedom to be yourself again and still love and care about the feelings of others
without having to be in control of them.
******************
CHAPTER 14
WHAT IS NORMALITY?
Realize that life is precious, amusing, eventful and full of opportunity and no matter
what you believe happens at the end of life, we only have one shot at this one. To realize
this, you don’t have to put flowers in your hair or dance around naked under a full moon
(but if it makes you happy, please feel free to do so!) nor do you have to pledge to be
constantly happy no matter how other people affect you. On the contrary, you should
allow yourself to feel angry towards them but still love them. You can get through the
hurt they have caused you without giving up on love. You can experience deep sadness,
but recognize and know that life does not always have to be like a roller coaster ride - the
high points don't have to be followed by plummeting dips.
Feelings
After living with an alcoholic, we become reluctant to show our feelings. When you’re
happy, give in to it! Don’t pre-empt the possible low that may follow.
One of my most memorable nights at aftercare was when another wife and I realized that
being happy without conditional lows, was what living ‘normal’ was about. We realized
that there didn’t have to be the big dip, the devastating heart wrenching low if we allowed
ourselves to feel happy. We started to laugh with joy and couldn’t stop. We couldn’t
believe how great it was to live normally! Many people take this for granted, but those
who live with an alcoholic find it hard to do. Our emotions become bland and we become
cynical.
I used to cry during sad movies, but during my time living with an active alcoholic, that
I found that when watching such a movie I would just criticize and make fun of the
scenes that would have pulled at my heart strings previously. I stopped fully experiencing
my emotions. Once I dropped my barrier that ‘protected’ me and made my emotions
bland, I gradually allowed myself to enjoy movies and situations like I used to. I now cry
at every family occasion, movies and TV shows that provoke any emotion of happiness
or sadness no matter how ridiculous! (Big reveals on DIY shows get me every time!)
Exercise 8 - Dreams
Make a list of dreams you want to fulfill and activities you enjoy which your partner’s
alcoholism is preventing you from doing or fulfilling. They can be as outrageous as you
like. Start each sentence with "If it were not for my partner’s addiction I would ... "
My list included:
"... travel the world or at least go on holiday twice a year."
" ... have savings."
" ... start my own company and be my own boss."
" ... spend more time enjoying my children."
" ... socialize more."
" ... not cry from sadness everyday but cry with laughter instead."
" ... be less worried and anxious."
To that point in time, I wasn’t taking action to follow the life I wanted to live, I was
living in reaction to my loved one’s destructive actions to his own life. I was following
his lead. The only possible result to this was inevitable – my life stagnated and my
partner’s drinking dictated how I would spend each day emotionally and physically. He
didn’t intend this to happen, he was too caught up in his own life which revolved around
drinking. All I was doing was interfering with the way he was choosing to live. Of course,
when you are living with an alcoholic, their actions are going to cross with your life, but
what you need to do is take back control and become a leader in your life and not a
follower. You have to stop living someone else’s lifestyle choices, stop just existing for
other people's needs and stop settling for less than what you want out of your life.
As soon as I realized that I wasn’t a victim who allowed my loved one’s actions and
behavior control my life, I realized I could do everything on my list. The only person who
is stopping you do all the things on your list is YOU, not the alcoholic. By trying to
control their actions and trying to predict their behavior, you are taking up lots of your
head space which could be used to fulfill all your dreams.
Remember, you cannot change or control other people, places or things, but you can
change and control your own actions, reactions and thoughts.
Trust that making changes to the situation will ultimately bring about the best results.
Sure you might go through a bit of discomfort during the change, and some unlikely or
unwanted outcomes, but in the end, you will triumph!
Respect
Sometimes those living with an alcoholic mix up compassion with love and sometimes
people stick with a person because it is ‘easier’. A key word in relationships is ‘respect’.
You should not only love your partner, but also respect him, be proud of him and he
should have the same feelings towards you. This is probably not the situation at the
moment but it is something to strive towards.
Exercise 9 - To Do List
Make a daily To-Do list. So if you want to lose weight, schedule some exercise time,
plan healthy food options. If your goal is to have a great relationship with your kids
throughout their lives, schedule to spend time with them each day; get them to help you
cook dinner, bake a cake, help them with their homework, read them a bedtime story or if
they are older make a new routine of sitting and having dinner together at a table without
the distraction of TV. Conversation will come with time. These things can be difficult
because the truth is that you have to do something about them in order to make it work in
your life.
At the end of every day, list 5 things (in your head or on paper) that you have
accomplished that day and go to sleep thinking about the things you can be thankful for.
Don’t let life just happen to you, take action!
When you concentrate on your progress, the challenges you have no control over will
look after themselves eventually. By making a change within yourself, you will create a
force which will help everyone around you.
A positive in a negative situation: It is because you are living with an alcoholic that you
have received this book and by following it you will find a better way of living your life
which many people living normal lives never discover!
**********
CHAPTER 15
TO STAY OR TO GO
Families with alcohol problems live in a painful chaos. It is painful to see the one you
love change like this. It is painful to be lied to, to feel insecure, to be ashamed and to
become disappointed. The partner of the alcoholic slides into a tough situation with
mutual accusations, obsession with his experiments to control the alcoholic, and may
forget about both their own and the children's needs. The road to freedom begins with the
understanding that you are powerless when it comes to the alcoholic's drinking, that you
only can take responsibility for your own life and that you must refuse to suffer with the
alcoholic when he drinks.
It is okay to decide not to live with an alcoholic. This is not a sign that you have failed in
your relationship or your duties. Think back to when you knew this person before their
drinking or maybe you have never known them without alcohol, you need to think back
to a period of sobriety in their lives you experienced. Did you like that person? What is it
you love about?
Exercise 10 - Relief, Stability and Growth
I want you to ask yourself the question: "If this person was sober, how would they be
contributing to making my life better?"
Make a list. Remember no one else is going to see this list. You are going to burn this
afterwards so be honest with yourself. Once finished. I want you to break the list into
three categories: Relief, Stability and Growth.
Relief would be topics such as:
I wouldn’t be so anxious
I wouldn’t be living in fear
We wouldn’t argue as much
The children could bring their friends over
Stability would be:
He could get a job and contribute to the household
He would help around the house more like he used to
We would have meals together as a family
He would actively contribute to family life again – help with homework, playing with
children
We could live within our budget
Growth would be:
I could share my problems with him and feel supported
He would encourage me again to achieve my dreams
He would be a friend or support to me on a day to day basis
Our sex life would be better
We could have friends over again
We would laugh everyday like we used to
We could make plans for our old age
Notice the word ‘again’ has come up in the sample list. This is because if alcohol was no
longer part of your loved one’s life, they would go back to being a similar person to what
they were before addiction – they are not going to metamorphosis into something they
never were. Sometimes people find the recovered addict very boring or serious – this is
because they have known the person as being rowdy or over the top for a long time.
Basically what I am trying to establish here, is why you want to still live with this person
if they become sober. If you can’t establish this, then why are you trying? Guilt? Because
it is your duty? Of course, if it is your parent or child or blood relative, you want them to
be sober because they are family. By re-affirming to yourself the qualities you love about
the person when they do not drink will help you towards your goal - by changing yourself
into a stronger, better person they will want to achieve the same for themselves.
When Children Are Involved
Children living in a family with an alcoholic are likely to either try to be perfect so as
not to cause the alcoholic to drink, or act out to get attention because all the attention is
focused on the alcoholic. They may think that if they were a better child, the alcoholic
would stop drinking, not realizing that the drinking has nothing to do with their behavior.
Eventually, the children of an alcoholic become as sick as the alcoholic himself. They
take on responsibilities that they are not ready for yet because the alcoholic is not being
responsible. They assume the role of the missing alcoholic parent by preparing meals,
cleaning the house, taking care of other siblings, working after school to help pay bills
and any other duties that the alcoholic parent has shirked.
If you have allowed children to suffer the effects of your partner’s alcoholism then you
have to make amends – this is not just a matter of saying 'sorry'. It means now that you
are gaining a new understanding of yourself, that you change things so you are not
allowing the same thing happen again.
If It Wasn’t For The Children, I’d Leave ...
If you have ever said this, then I want you to answer these questions;
1. How miserable is your life at the moment on a scale from one to ten (ten being the
maximum).
2. Has your alcoholic loved one ever hit or hurt your children or threatened them so
much that it scared them and/or you?
3.Has your alcoholic loved one ever hit you in front of your children or in ear shot of
your children?
4. Does your alcoholic loved one drive the car with your children after having drinks?
5. Has your alcoholic loved one been unconscious from drink while looking after the
children alone?
6. Does your alcoholic loved one have loud arguments, shout insults at you or break
things during drink-fueled rows in front of the children?
If you have answered yes to one or more of the above, then your excuse of not leaving
because of the children does not hold water. By staying, you may be endangering your
children. You also need to show them that this behavior is not acceptable in a loving
relationship.
Many partners of alcoholics see themselves as victims, innocent victims of the other
person’s abuse, but you have to take responsibility and change the pattern.
If your partner has harmed a child emotionally or physically on more than one occasion
while you have lived with them, you have harmed them, too. By allowing the same
pattern to happen by not changing your ways, you have allowed this circle to remain
unbroken. If your children are in harm's way, you need to move them out of the situation
immediately.
But He Is A Great Parent When Not Drinking ...
The alcoholic in your life may be the best parent without drink and that is probably why
you are reading this book, because you want to stay with him. Often, they feel guilty and
overcompensate by buying gifts, or being over the top with outings or affection when
sober– of course, a child cannot be given too much affection, but parents' affection should
be constant and not in bouts. This behavior can be very confusing for a child.
Your child may seem to prefer your spouse at times. You may feel the child never is as
demonstrative of their affections with you and you may feel resentful, jealous or
depressed about this.
Children are very clever, when a parent shows them inconsistent levels of love, they will
often go overboard in demonstrating their love and affection when the parent is in a
positive, playful mood with them. That is because they want to please that parent; it is
their way of illustrating their approval of the good behavior of the parent. They are trying
to say "Look, this is how it can always be, look how much I can love you. If you behave
like this all the time, I will love you more than anybody else in the world."
When your partner drinks again and goes back to their old ways, the child may regress in
different ways, become ‘hard’ or become cross with you. If they are cross with you, it is
because they are confused. They are blaming you for the alcoholic’s drinking or they just
need to take their heartbreak out on somebody. Trying to deal with this and deal with your
alcoholic partner just makes life seem so unfair, doesn’t it?
Children develop barriers, too. You know your impenetrable wall or barrier which you
create so it doesn’t hurt as much when he lets you down? Your kids probably have one
too and if you don’t do something about the situation, this wall is only going to get
stronger and harder for them to break and may affect their own relationships in
adulthood.
Your barrier, which you have created to make life functional with your alcoholic loved
one, is not easily dropped, so it is inevitable that your children are not experiencing you
as the parent you want to be. Your partner may be getting demonstrative love from your
kids while sober, you may be getting indifferent behavior from them as you do not have
the time or emotional capability to show them all the love you want to give them.
Signs of Distress in Children
I remember someone I knew in a difficult relationship saying, "Oh, the children don’t
know anything about it. We never argue in front of them and I always ensure they don’t
witness any of the effects of his drinking." Children are not stupid, in fact they are the
best actors. If there is a long-term problem in your house, they know that something isn’t
right. However, they might also think it is the norm and until they start experiencing other
families' ‘normal’ behavior they may not see it as something that is wrong.
Does your child do any of the following?
Wet the bed
Rock when relaxing
Clingy behavior
Comfort eating or loss of appetite
Have nightmares
These are some of the signs that children can demonstrate when they are emotionally
distressed.
Your children will experience the upset change can bring, but they are currently
experiencing a family atmosphere of hostility and lies rather than love and cooperation. It
is your job to upset this balance in order to achieve a much healthier family environment,
if necessary. They depend on your leadership. Look ahead and act now to secure the kind
of family you want to have in the future. It will be a hard road, but you can learn from
your mistakes and grow stronger in the process.
Physical Abuse
Never, under any circumstances, accept physical abuse to you or your children. All
alcoholics are emotionally abusive to those they are living with – selfishness is part of the
disease, they need to do whatever it takes to justify their drinking or relieve their guilt.
Not all alcoholics are physically violent, though. If there is physical abuse, do not, under
any circumstances, live with it. Your life, and the lives of other members of the family,
are more important than living in fear or danger. Emotional abuse can be healed once the
situation is brought under control, but physical abuse leaves lasting scars both physical
and emotional which may never heal.
Your spouse may threaten to keep the children if you leave the family home, or even
threaten to kill you or themselves if you leave. This is serious, as you are living a life of
fear, not a life of choice. We only have one life and we only have one chance of giving
our children a decent childhood.
As long as you respond to your spouse's threats, you are making yourself and your
children vulnerable to his destructive behavior and escalating intimidation. You do not
need to ask your spouse for permission for you to leave or for a separation. And he is not
in charge of custody decisions. You are an adult with rights and you are responsible for
acting in your own and your children's best interests.
You need to take authority in your partnership and find out your rights. This step can be
difficult as your self-confidence may have been shattered over the years of living under
your partner’s control. However, there are agencies and support groups that offer free
legal and professional aid to help you understand your rights, and with this knowledge,
you can develop a course of action.
Avoiding Confrontation
Arguments, tension and confrontation are daily occurrences when living with an
alcoholic. Avoidance of interaction with the alcoholic while they are drinking is the best
solution; this includes, talking and arguing with them. They are not thinking clearly and
won't take in what you say, so why waste your breath arguing about their behavior? Why
fuss and fight with someone who has lost the ability to make any sense? Don’t become
ensnared in the alcoholic trap with them. Stay out of the trap, so you can help them.
Alcoholics are often confrontational, so it is better to avoid him when they are getting
drunk. This is often easier said than done. This may take going to bed early or setting up
your own area of relaxation in the house. If he follows you to try to draw you into an
argument, try to get him to agree to talk about it in the morning instead. Don’t say,
"You’re drunk, so I am not discussing it" as this will only add fuel to the fire. Instead say,
"I’m feeling too tired to discuss this now, so can we talk about it tomorrow?" He'll
probably continue to rant and rave, but keep firm to this line and hopefully he will leave
off.
When he is sober, then address the issue and say you are ready to talk about what he was
keen to talk about the night before. He may not remember having the conversation or the
context of it and try to brush it off. So you may need to drop a few reminders of the
hurtful things that were said. However don’t gloat, nag or labour the issue. If you are not
comfortable doing this, then don’t do it – it is not mind games, but just enough to remind
them of their behavior so they realize gradually over time that they are having blackouts
and being nasty.
Confronting the Alcoholic in Your Life
When confronting a person about their drinking, be sure to do it in a loving way. Don't
yell and accuse or threaten the person. Tell them that you are concerned about their
drinking and that you are afraid that they may have a problem. After you confront the
person about their drinking, they may try to control it. If you are still bothered by it, it is
important that you do something to help yourself. You do not want to enable them or
become obsessed with their drinking. Oftentimes, the alcoholic doesn't want help. It is
important that you get help for you and the rest of the family.
When the time is right, make it clear that you are always there to talk about his problems
and possibly find a solution with him. In that conversation, you will have to try to
motivate the drinker to change his situation. There are a few important items related to
this:
1. Make the drinker feel positive about himself. Many drinkers think very negatively
about themselves and find themselves useless. Don't reproach, but give compliments
about the things that do go right and the reasons why you love them and want to support
them.
2. Take away the prejudices about treatment, such as the idea that people are always
hospitalized, that therapy only consists of talking, or that others will judge him.
3. Give the drinker a perspective. Examples you can use are that he will have more
money if he doesn't drink, that he will have better contact with his family, that he will
have better health, a better chance for a job, etc.
4. Listen also to possible problems that make the person keep drinking, but indicate that
drinking will not solve these, but only make them worse.
5. If he doesn't want to be helped or cannot be helped, ask him what needs to happen to
convince him to get treatment.
Be ready to help. Collect information on various methods of treatment. If an
alcoholic agrees to treatment you will have done the research and be ready to discuss
options with him.
When They Admit They Need Help
If your partner gets to rock bottom and finally admits that he needs help, don’t jump up
shouting "Yippee!" and "I told you so!" Admitting they have a problem is a big step, but
be prepared for one step forward and 10 steps back. Don’t get too excited or smug. Stay
calm and relaxed. Encourage them to go to a professional, emphasizing that at least then
they will be in a position to make a decision about what they want to do.
Recall the research you did and suggest he goes to see his GP or ‘"There is a rehab
centre that might be able to help." Suggest that you make an appointment for them to see
them While it is important to be ready to help, it’s important not to take responsibility on
yourself without the alcoholic asking for it, otherwise, everything will go the same way.
The alcoholic should understand that his recovery depends only on him, but you are there
to support him.
Offer to go together to the first visit to a doctor, or call rehab centers to see if there is a
place available, or for you to make an appointment to see a counselor. It is helpful if you
are involved in the initial discussions with GPs or counselor, as the alcoholic always just
hears what they want to hear, and can often come back with a misconstrued version of the
advice or diagnosis. I know someone who was convinced their doctor said, "Yes you are
an alcoholic, but you can have a few pints in the pub." My husband believed the doctor
told him he had Hep B and only 6 months to live, but it was nothing to do with alcohol. I
was devastated, in shock and gobsmacked. That was until I thought about it – no blood
tests, no consulting with me, his wife? I called the doctor – he didn’t have Hep B, but the
doctor had warned him that he was going to have liver failure if he continued. All further
dramatic health results he came back with, were taking with a pinch of salt.
So if your partner allows you, do go with him or offer to drive him. However, if he
wants to go alone, let him. After all this is their responsibility and you are only there in a
support capacity.
They may back out – actually, they probably will the first few times, because they feel
they are not ready to give up alcohol or the detox is too severe, etc.
One of the scariest thoughts for an alcoholic is the idea of never having a drink again. A
good point my husband learned from and lived by after rehab was, yes he could drink
again, it was up to him to decide if he wanted to or not. This idea is very empowering.
There is no one other than the alcoholic saying whether they are allowed to drink or not –
it is up to them to decide if drink is that important.
*************
CHAPTER 16
SOBRIETY
Living with an alcoholic is not easy, but it is possible with effort from both partners.
If you do find yourself with a sober partner after much effort on both your parts, that is
wonderful. However, it is important to realize that sobriety brings its own challenges.
I don’t want to burst your bubble, but sobriety does not necessarily mean you live
happily ever after. All marriages and partnerships take effort and sometimes having lived
with a drinker for a lot of your relationship, the non-presence of alcohol and the chaos
that can go with it can bring drastic changes.
The guy who was always the centre of the party declines to go out to parties and social
events anymore. He sleeps more, spends more time alone reading or seems to be always
out at AA meetings which you can’t go to. He’s now taking on responsibilities that you
feel are your territory and you find it hard to let go. He’s not talking as much and you
may even miss the drama of the rows! Sex, communication and responsibilities can all
change. Worse still, some of the problems you always put down to the result of drink are
still there, it turns out, it’s just his personality! This can be a tough one! After all that
effort, he still spends money foolishly or talks out of line or doesn’t want to play with the
kids.
Sobriety can also bring a know-it-all attitude. He starts telling you your faults which
have been caused by his drinking and what you need to do to change. If you still enjoy a
drink, he may start pointing out signs you need to be aware of about over-indulging. You
may think, "How dare he! After all I have been through with him, he thinks he can tell me
that I am wrong!"
The alcoholic may have been through an intensive rehab program where they have
learned techniques to get their life back on track and to stay sober. It is sometimes only
when they come out that we realize how sick we are. Sometimes the partner feels at a
loose end. After care taking for so long, it can be hard to stop trying to control everything
and to stop looking after the other person.
When a partner becomes sober, it is more important than ever to start looking after
ourselves. It is okay to feel angry, confused, disappointment along with the joy and
excitement about the new situation we feel.
Whether the person is drinking or is sober, it is important to accept that couples have
disagreements and rows without either being the one solely to blame. You don’t have to
find the blame or to keep score of how well you performed in defense position. Instead of
pointing the finger or finding blame and wasting hours of your life mulling over it, assess
your part in the conflict.
Alcoholism is a disease and just like any disease it has its symptoms. Living with an
alcoholic also brings symptoms anxiety, anger, denial, obsession, control, guilt and selfdoubt. These qualities are not just projected onto the alcoholic partner and yourself, but to
our other relationships, too. By recognizing them and accepting that you need to change
and heal, you will begin on the road of getting back your self-esteem, self worth and love
of life.
***************
CHAPTER 17
SUMMARY
From today, you are going to be responsible for you. Your identity is no longer the wife,
husband, lover or partner of an alcoholic.
There is only one person responsible for the quality of the life of any adult and that
person is themselves. Your partner is the only person who can stop themselves drinking
and make their life worth living. And there is only one person who is responsible for the
quality of the life you are living and that is YOU.
You are an individual with responsibility for every action and decision you make. You
are responsible for your actions, your words, your emotions and your decisions.
You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you cannot cure it.
Take care of yourself.
Go to Al Anon meetings, maybe even several times a week. It’s completely anonymous,
extremely supportive and healing.
Think about the emergency instructions they give you at the start of a flight. They say,
attend to your own mask and then help those around you – get yourself right so you are
capable of helping those around you.
Free yourself from resentment, bitterness and anger, to please yourself first, keep an
open mind, make healthy lifestyle choices, stop being concerned about what other people
might think, express your ideas and feelings, learn that it is okay to say no and stick to
your values and make yourself the best person you can possibly be. By doing this you
will then have the strength and will power to help others.
Often a drinker will get sober after their partner has been going to Al Anon for a while.
As the partner gets better, the situation improved. Being a powerful force of example, the
alcoholic is stripped of his denial, and becomes willing to try sobriety. Don’t bet on it, but
don’t discount it either.
Remove the Victim. Do not stand there and take it. Walk away. Go for a drive. Run an
errand. Do not try to argue with or reason with someone who is inebriated. By definition,
someone who is intoxicated is incapable of reasoning or judgment.
Don't put away empty bottles, don't buy him drink and don't clean up the mess for him.
To turn his life around he has to stop liking the way he is living.
There is no need to exaggerate things or ‘cause’ bad things to happen – just let him live
with the consequences of his actions so that he realize what he is doing. Do not create
crisis or prevent crisis.
You now understand how alcohol is not just affecting your partner but you too, and that
to help others you need to repair your own mental health first and take courage to develop
your own recovery plan.
If the alcoholic is abusive, get out. Put the kids and the family dog in the car, and go.
Violence always escalates. It never subsides. Once you’re on the roller coaster of physical
abuse, it is very tough to get off. Battered wife/husband syndrome is like being under a
spell. You come to believe there is nothing out there for you; that you are undesirable and
unworthy, and deserving of the abuse. Once you’re in that lonely place, getting out is very
difficult. If this is you, then get out immediately.
If divorce is something you wish to do, it is certainly one way to get out of the situation
if you find it intolerable. But for those of you who can’t leave; again, take care of
yourself, try to find a support group, remove the victim and if there is physical abuse,
don’t walk, run!
Remember both happiness and change comes from within and you can learn from
everything you experience in this life. This is YOUR life, make it a good one!
Please visit my website and share your experiences. I would also appreciate feedback as
to what parts of this book you found useful.
www.howtolivewithanalcoholic.com