Helping Hands - HAND of the Peninsula
Transcription
Helping Hands - HAND of the Peninsula
Helping Hands Spring 2015 Board of Directors Paige Abramson Hirsch, President Beth Wolly, Secretary Jennifer Gilbert, Treasurer Members at Large: Liz DeWinter Sara Johnson Ellen Kelly Daley, Past President Chris Lehr, LCSW, LCS14838 San Francisco representative Leslie Muennemann Kristie Shulman, Santa Cruz representative Jessica Tolerba Advisory Council Kathleen Addison, MA, MFT, MFC33312 Emily Corpos, Past President Laura Hawkins, Past President Eileen Healy, MA, MFT, MFC31332 Michelle Hearn, MS, CGC, Genetic Counselor Gary Hoff, MD, OB/GYN Jack Jensen, Crosby-N. Gray Funeral Home Wanda Lee, Ph.D., Professor, SFSU Julie Mitra, Grupo Amparo Mary-Ann Molloy, Certified Nurse-Midwife Gail M. Shak, Ph.D. PSY 10401 Marilyn Swarts, RN, MS, Childbirth Educator Joseph Twicken, Ph.D. Past Board Member Grieving mom suggests do’s and don’ts for friends and family By Kate Babington HAND of the Peninsula My firstborn son, Luke, died on July 29, 2014, due to labor complications. I started writing this about three weeks later when anger and frustration started to build. Anger at the world for being such a harsh place for a grieving mother. Frustration that as I lay crying for my son, my pain was made worse by people who were uncertain how to react and how to support me but were unwilling to ask me for guidance. All of the examples are drawn from my actual experiences and interactions. Do text and write often. Non-intrusive check-ins communicate warmth, presence, and the understanding that the pain continues on. A couple feels isolated and hurt when people have moved on. They want to know that their loss and their baby are still on your mind. Text things like "I woke up thinking of your baby" or "I thought of you as the sun set last night" or "we lit a candle in your baby's memory today." Do think carefully about what you are saying as you communicate with your friend. Revise out unnecessary mention of your children, how crazy or busy life has been, the minor hassles of your day, enthusiastic/boisterous energy, cheery platitudes, and uninformed guidance. Add in warmth and care, even if it is a routine communication. For example, “I won’t be able to cover you for that meeting but I don’t want you to have to worry about little things. Can I help you ask around for coverage?” Do read a book or an article on grief and child loss so you better understand your friend’s experience and what actions are supportive. You can bet your friend is reading these materials because her world has turned completely upside-down and she is looking for direction. Read with the purpose of educating yourself and increasing your empathy and support skills, not with the purpose of guiding your friend. Or talk to a friend who had a similar loss and ask what was most helpful to them. You might even let your friend know that you did these things. It means little to say that you don't know what to do if you haven't tried to learn. Do remember milestones: each week and month that passes, parent birthdays, holidays. Even first days of school and Mother's Day. When these go by unacknowledged it feels a bit like going through the whole day of your birthday without an acknowledgement. It's on your mind all the time so it feels strange that no one else has thought of it. Do ask many questions. The first should be: What actions by your friends have helped you the most? Is it comforting when people bring you food? Or ask about the baby? Or ask how you are doing? Or give you hugs? Or treat you no different from before? Then do those things and ask those questions. That last step seems to be the hardest. Do know that grieving parents are suffering the greatest pain they have ever suffered. They are feeling the intensity of that pain nearly every moment of every day for at least many months. Treat them with care, quiet reverence, and compassion. What you are seeing on the surface is completely forced; it is acting. And the acting isn't for them. It's not because they are ashamed of their pain or because they want you to think they are better. It is because they have learned that you and others are uncomfortable when presented with their reality. When you join in the act by being overly cheerful or by failing to acknowledge their true emotional state, you send the message that you are ready for them to be done with their sadness and that you are uncomfortable with the person they actually are now; that you want the act to continue. Do think about the impact of small things you do inadvertently. Reflect on what it feels like for your friend to receive a Christmas card with your child's picture, on what your cavalier attitude towards your pregnancy implies, on what feelings are stirred up by references to your children. Especially the first year, it would be sensitive to send a Christmas card with a personal note and no family photos. When you find yourself blessed by a history of easy conception and uneventful deliveries, be thankful for those blessings on your own; don't remark on them to your grieving friend. When you meet your friend for a coffee date before you pick up your child from daycare and need to leave by a certain time, mention only that you have an errand to run and leave out the irrelevant specifics. Do keep the memory of the baby who has died alive. Do not treat it as taboo. If your child died, would you prefer that no one -- not even his friends -- ever mentioned him again? Or asked you about him and your happy memories with him? If your spouse died, would you prefer to forget about him and have others change the subject or fall quiet whenever you referred to him? A baby who lived a mere nine months in a belly or precious few hours or days after birth is just as much a child as one who lives longer. His parents do not want to forget about him and certainly couldn't if they tried. Much less do they want you to forget about him or act uncomfortable when they talk of him. They treasure him. Provide them the space to keep the happy memories alive. Do talk with her; don't change the subject. When you ask your friend how she is doing and she says "not very well" or expresses true feelings, assume she is inviting you in. On a similar note, if your friend mentions anything challenging or personal related to her grief, invite her to tell you more. She may welcome connection and support. Do simple, kind gestures for your friend. Think of how it feels when your husband arrives home with a tulip he picked from the front yard saying he thought of you (especially if you are at the end of your emotional rope). It took little action on Helping After Neonatal Death Chapters: HAND of the Peninsula HAND of Santa Cruz HAND of San Francisco P.O. Box 3693 Redwood City, CA 94064 (650) 579-0350 crisis line (650) 367-6993 office www.HANDsupport.org Helping After Neonatal Death Santa Clara and Alameda Counties, and part of the Central Valley P.O. Box 341 Los Gatos, CA 95031-0341 (888) 908-HAND (4263) www.handonline.org Copyright©2015 HAND of the Peninsula, except when noted otherwise. Articles may be reprinted with acknowledgement of the source. Newsletter itself may not be reproduced or transmitted by any means without the express permission of HAND of the Peninsula. Address all inquiries regarding this newsletter to: Editor, Helping Hands Newsletter, P.O. Box 3693, Redwood City, CA 94064 Helping Hands Editor: Leslie Muennemann [email protected] Contributors: Kate Babington Printing: P.J. Hawkins Lasky Printing [email protected] (650) 592-7177 Submission deadline: MAY 1, 2015 his part but it meant so much. Leave a flower on your friend's desk at work. Give your friend a real hug rather than a routine greeting when she walks into a room. Pick up an extra coffee for her when you get yours. Send a small token gift many months later, accompanied by a thoughtful note. Do shower your friend with words of encouragement. Remind your friend of all her good, strong qualities. Remind her that she is grieving intensely because her love for her baby was intense. Remind her that her reactions are utterly human, very real, and quite touching for you to witness. Remind your friend of a time you were especially impressed by something she did. Remind her that she is a good person and that being good is not sufficient to keep tragedy at bay. Remind her that you believe in her. Be a reverent, measured, and sincere cheering squad. Do let your friend know that any choices she has made in her grief process are acceptable, understandable, and probably necessary for her to get through. Let her know that you and others are not judging her but, rather, are working to increase your own understanding of her experience. Share with her that you respect her for the strength she has been forced to show. Do recognize there are many ways to be supportive while giving "space." If your friend seems to need "space" from you, question whether this is a true need for space or, rather, an indication that the "support" you have provided has not been supportive. Use this opportunity to non-intrusively learn what is, in fact, supportive. Consider talking to those who your friend has not pushed away. Write personal reflections periodically and keep these for a later time when you might be able to share them with your friend, make a donation in your friend's honor, take time to learn about what grieving parents find helpful. Act on behalf of your friend in soliciting support and understanding from others. When your friend has communicated with you clearly and directly about what is helpful, pass that on to shared friends and acquaintances. Advocate on her behalf and help others see where they might act more empathically. Don't use the truism that "everyone grieves differently" as an excuse for not finding out how your friend grieves and doing what you can to support her. There are far more similarities in how people grieve than there are differences. One tragedy in the whole affair is that, while the vast majority of grieving mothers want to talk about their child and their grief journey, people almost universally choose to keep their distance. Recognize that you are likely the one who is uncomfortable reaching out; your friend is waiting to hear from you. Don't be emotionally lazy. Something very big has just happened. You do have time to figure out how to help and you do have time to offer support for months and years. You simply have to prioritize your friend. Let the time you put in be commensurate with the tragedy and the pain it carried. Don't ever leave an email communication unacknowledged. If its content is overwhelming and you don't know what to say, communicate precisely that. Or let your friend know that it will take time for you to process their words but that you will respond in time. Offer acknowledgment, validation, and encouragement, at the very least. Don't attempt to identify with you grieving friend by telling the story of your own loss. You don't need to prove yourself as a person who has suffered loss in order for your friend to find you supportive. It will be hard for your grieving friend to see your loss as commensurate with hers and she does not have the emotional reserves to absorb your grief or offer sympathy. If your own loss has developed your capacity for empathy, your actions will speak much louder than your words. Don't share a story of "something similar happened to me/a friend of mine . . . but it all worked out." Your friend is acutely aware of how often things do work out for others and how very unfortunate it was that things did not “work out" for her. "Miracles" and "near misses" are devastating comparisons, not sources of solace. Don't ever, ever, ever fail to say you are sorry when someone -- anyone: friend or stranger -- tells you her baby died. That revelation always requires an "I'm sorry." A compassionate acknowledgment will never bring added pain. The person wouldn't share the news if it were too private for an "I'm sorry." Don't try to teach your grieving friend things about grief without recognizing that most of the learning that needs to happen is yours. Let your friend know that you are trying to learn how to be sensitive and perceptive and supportive and that, while you may struggle, you are open to guidance and you are determined to keep trying to get it right. Don't leave a phone message or write an email that says, "I hope you are doing great." or "I hope you had a fantastic weekend." Other grieving mothers say things to one another like, "I hope you have found some moments of peace in your day." Those are much better indications that you understand your friend's reality. Consider words of encouragement, such as, "I believe in you and I believe you will survive this.” Support Meetings Meetings may start out with a topic of discussion, but everyone is free to bring up any questions or aspects of their loss which may concern them. Support meetings are informal gatherings where parents can receive and give support by sharing common experiences as we work through and resolve our loss. We cordially invite you to attend. Attending your first meeting does take courage, but parents who attend find a comforting network of support, encouragement, friendship and understanding. Nothing is required of you. There are no dues or fees. You need not speak one word. Even if Our warmest thanks to you no longer need the meetings those who have sent donations to for yourself, come and share your HAND of the Peninsula. It is experiences with someone who through your support that HAND has recently suffered a loss. is able to grow and help others. Donations Katrina Barnett and Zimran Ahmed Nancy Krop and J. Mike Hedblom Kerstin Spangner Kathryn Dwyer Franchette and Juan Garcia Kenneth Rainin Foundation Sofia Linan and Kyle Najarian, in memory of Harold Francisco Najarian Susan Gulbe Walsh and Tim Walsh, in memory of Willow Jane Gulbe Walsh's 5th birthday Dimka Atanassov and Hilaf Hasson Krista and Ernest Canda, in memory of their son Chase Maxwell Canda Matthew Green, in memory of Eden Rose Kilburg Katherine and Alex Katz, in honor of AK & BK McMaster Katz Beth and Mark Wolly Anna and Rob Strong Jane Zimmerman, LCSW Twila Forbes, in memory of Cosmo Forbes Linda and Scott Harrison, in memory of Miles George Harrison Wendy Hopfenberg and Michael Occhiolini, in memory of their unborn child Rebecca Lombardo, in memory of her daughter Monica Marie Lombardo Kathleen and Victor Parrette, in memory of Malorie Anne Parrette HAND of the Peninsula Support meetings are held on the first and third Wednesday of the month. Contact: (650) 367-6993 Time: 7:30-9:30 P.M. Dates: March 4 and 18 April 1 and 15 May 6 and 20 June 3 and 17 Location: Follow signs to Palm Room at Mills Health and Wellness Center, 100 S. San Mateo Dr., San Mateo HAND of Santa Cruz Support meetings are held on the third Wednesday of the month. Contact: Kristie Shulman (831) 438-4513 Time: 7:30-9:30 P.M. Date: March 18 April 15 May 20 June 17 Location: Congregational Church of Soquel HAND of San Francisco Meetings are held on the first and third Wednesday of the month. Contact: (415) 282-7330 Time: 6:30-8:30 P.M. Dates: March 4 and 18 April 1 and 15 May 6 and 20 June 3 and 17 Location: Davies Campus of CPMC, Castro at Duboce 6 blocks north of Market St. .Enter the North Tower lobby, follow the HAND signs from the Info Desk to our meeting room. Pregnancy Support Meetings Parents who are pregnant again after a loss have special emotional and psychological needs. Pregnancy Support Group meetings address the concerns of bereaved parents who have started or are thinking about starting another pregnancy. Fathers are especially encouraged to attend. HAND of the Peninsula Subsequent pregnancy support meetings are held on the second Wednesday of the month at Mills Health and Wellness Center, 100 S. San Mateo Dr., in San Mateo. Contact: (650) 367-6993. Please RSVP if you plan to attend. Time: 7:30-9:30 P.M. Dates: March 11 April 8 May 13 June 10 HAND of Santa Cruz Subsequent pregnancy meetings are held at 7:30 P.M. on the first Wednesday of each month at the Congregational Church of Soquel. RSVP is appreciated. Contact: Kristie Shulman (831) 438-4513 Births Isabella Rose and Zoe Grace Fidrych -- September 2014, to Leila Melbourne and Tom Fidrych and big brother Tommy Donovan Phoenix Wickham -October 2014, to Lucy and Dave Wickham Ciaran Michael Matza -December 2014, to Katie and Pat Matza Donations Gail Shak, Ph.D., in loving memory of Ashley Marie and John Violet Natasha and Chike Agbai Christina Conklin and Richard McCluney Emily and John Corpos, in memory of Maria A. Corpos and in honor of Leslie Muennemann Thomas Corso, in memory of Nickolas Cheryl Gagliasso and David Belshaw, in honor of Emily and John Corpos Celia and Donald Hartnett, in memory of Gregory Harnett, Dec. 22, 1982 Susan and Michael Johnson, in memory of Oliver and Isabella Loehmann Rachel Kindt and Gregory Marcus, in honor of Hannah and Becky Marcus Patricia Leeper and Craig Ball Anne Graham, in memory of Leo Squillante Irene and Maia Lustgarten, in loving memory of Talia Elise Nelson Twicken Elizabeth Mier and Kenny Aptekarev Jill Nelson and Joseph Twicken, in memory of Talia Elise Nelson Twicken, on her 16th birthday Nora and Dana Nicholson, in memory of Bryce Nicholson Melinda and Eric Ruchames, in memory of Zachary Clark Ruchames Mary and William Schorr, in memory of Daniel Patrick Schorr Liz and Sean DeWinter Sara Johnson and Jeff Loehmann, in loving memory of Oliver and Isabella Loehmann Judy Kele, in memory of Chance Kele Don't spend time with the grieving parents or call with the objective of providing distraction unless they have asked for that. There is no such thing as distraction from the death of the baby that was to be with you every minute. The baby is constantly on his parents' mind. If the parents change the subject from the baby, you can ask if they would feel more comfortable talking about other things. That gives them the chance to let you know if they are just being polite or if they really don't feel comfortable talking with you about their loss. Don't say "call me anytime" or "you know I’d do anything for you." Just think of something helpful to do and do it. Or be specific about your availability or how desperately you want to be called upon. Or provide ideas of things you would be happy to do. The action or the concrete ideas let the couple know that your offer is genuine. Don't assume, when your friend doesn’t respond to your email or call that your friend "needs space" or wants privacy. Much more likely, your friend is not yet confident that you will be a consistent source of sensitivity and support. If you have not been in touch for a long while, your friend is unlikely to suddenly welcome you in. Consider continuing to offer non-intrusive but sensitive support and encouragement or check in with loved ones about how your outreach has been received. Don't assume that jealousy is the reason a grieving mother doesn't want to see your children or attend your baby shower. The loss of one’s unique, irreplaceable child does not trigger jealousy when faced with reminders. It triggers a desperate longing and deep heartache. Sometimes it triggers intense anxiety, unfocused anger, and/or a lengthy depressive wave. Avoidance is a survival mechanism. Don't feel it is necessary to share with your grieving friend the recent birth of your baby or your new pregnancy. Healthy newborns, uncomplicated births, and easy pregnancies remind your friend of the grave injustice of this trauma. The birth of your baby, instead, might be a time to write a heartfelt letter about your own sense of the injustice in the world. About your own loss of innocence and your own heartache for your friend and her child. You don't need to say a word about your baby, share his name or birth date or weight. Have mercy and reach out with compassion rather than unchecked delight in your own blessings. Don't assume that you are too peripheral of a friend to have a responsibility to support a grieving parent. Your grieving friend is quite familiar with her entire list of friends and acquaintances and she knows that you have heard about her loss. If you pretend not to know or you only make a small gesture of support, you are contributing to your friend’s sense of isolation. While it may be true that some people are exceedingly private in their grief, the vast majority will see your outreach as a generous show of empathy. Don't offer advice lightly. Even grieving mothers, themselves, are baffled by the emotions, the challenges, the sense of craziness, the reactions of others. As a bystander, don't profess to know what your friend should do. Your suggestions make her feel that you believe she is not doing all that she can to heal or that you could do better. Your friend needs understanding and solidarity. Leave the guidance to the professionals. https://quickending.wordpress.com/category/blog/