THE DEVIL IN HIS
Copyright © 2014 Martin Isherwood. All rights reserved.
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I would like to dedicate this book to Mark, the guy I love,
but who appears never to have loved me. However, the book
is not about him, but the guy who took my heart two years
ago in October 2011, the one that I love to this day. I find it
difficult to account for these feelings as we have never met
face to face.
Some people find it hard to accept others as a result of
their past and don’t consider what a person has to offer now.
Don’t call a person selfish just because they want a new life
and to move on.
Another dedication goes to Mark and Ryan, who shouldn’t
have been brought into this situation by their father. I loved
them both as if they were my own and endeavoured to support them and do what was right by them.
I would also like to dedicate this book to everyone who
has been or may be in a similar situation.
I would like to thank Phil and Sue, my friends, for being there when
I needed them.
Mark, for giving me the inspiration me to write my books.
My brother George who is no longer with us.
Angela who is also no longer with us.
Christine who was like a second mum to me. She too is no longer
SBPRA Publishers for believing in my work and giving
me this opportunity.
To the many people who have helped and supported me
over the years.
Table of Contents
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vi
Chapter One First Contact . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1
Chapter Two The Move . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Chapter Three The Beginning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .42
Closing Comments. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .78
We all have particular lifestyles and upbringings, and sooner
or later we all experience low points in our life. It can seem
as though we go to hell and back many times over. I am no
exception and know about mental health, future relationships and trust. Yet although I am not perfect I remain good
natured. Unfortunately, people take advantage of this. I have
been abused throughout my life by the people I trusted the
most. Nevertheless, I thank my nursing career as it made me
evaluate myself. It made me strive to be the best for the people I looked after. In a series of books I will tell my life story.
I will reveal the truth and falsehood about being gay; all
my life I have had to fight one way or the other to get what
I want and no one has ever assisted me. Like any other person I have my dreams and ambitions: I have always wanted
to get married and have children; I have wanted to own my
own care homes that give the best possible service, it has to
be home from home. The fact I am gay has had no bearing
upon my decision to tell my story, which is intended to help
and advise people. If I help just one person then I will see it
as a job well done.
Many people have misconceptions about being gay, they
think you have a perfect relationship. However, this couldn’t
be further from the truth as there is a dark and evil side to
gay relationships. The story I’m going to relate is the way it
is. That is to say, there is nothing added for dramatic effect.
For many years I have thought about putting pen to paper
and writing a book but I never seemed to have the courage
to do it. Now I have found the strength to meet the challenge
and hope I can do it well.
Many times I have asked and prayed, though not through
a religious person, for someone to give me a break, and
THE DEVIL IN HIS BLUE EYES
writing about all I have been through has given me that
break. I have also wanted people to believe in me just as
I believed in them and hoped a publisher would believe in
me and the people who read my book. My heart goes out to
those who have been through similar ordeals because I don’t
believe I am alone in this. It is not easy to relive the past, but
at times we have to as part of being able to move on. If just
one person believes me at some stage my books will allow
me to move on and maybe more.
Since reaching adulthood there have been many occasions
I have been in love but I have learnt that it’s only when you
meet that special person you really do experience love and
all it has to offer. Many people ask who wears the trousers in
your relationship. This is a comment that annoys me. There
are differences in all relationships and we all fight for dominance but people forget words like compromise, love and
Another reason for writing these books is to show the
people that have bullied and abused me that I can still make
something of myself and that I can walk with my head held
What I have learned from life and those I have looked after is that sometimes you have to seize the opportunity while
it’s there because in many cases it will be gone forever. I
believe that life is a path and if you take a wrong turning you
should strive to discover the path you should take.
People should not be made to feel guilty about their past,
worrying that others will bully them and make them feel
worthless. Sometimes people fail to consider what a person
has to give to society or to a relationship they are in. What
I have learnt from life is that you must stand up for what
you believe and for others that believe in you, true love only
comes once and sometimes you have to be prepared to fight
to keep it.
Before meeting Kevin, the one who this book is about,
I was told by a service user (who was also a psychic) that
I would meet a man. The man, said the psychic, had been
married and would have two children from the marriage. The
psychic went on to say the children would be boys and that
the man would do anything for me and would look after me.
However, this proved not to be the case for as you read on;
you will see for yourself that behind his beautiful blue eyes
was a dark fire, dark flames, they were the eyes of the devil.
This book is aimed not just at other gay men but to everyone who may have been or who is in a similar situation.
Some may be scared of publishing a book like this. They
find gay stories can become too frightening because they are
scared that there may be repercussions. Some may find it
strange that I start my books with one of my past relationships, and not with the story of my childhood.
For many years my friend made me a scapegoat due to
my mental health. He had me believing everything was my
fault; it was only later I was able to see what my friend saw.
This book has been written and edited by me although I
have had some help along the way. Therefore you may notice
some slight mistakes. I have learning difficulties and wanted
this subject to be given some exposure. It’s important that I
am fulfilled as well as gaining enjoyment. In doing so I feel
I will give the book much more than words, I will give it
My story begins at the end of October 2004. One day while
I was at work my friend Karen asked me if I could house sit
for her. I said yes, thinking I could do with some space for
a while having moved back with my parents after splitting
from my ex-partner John. I worked as an auxilliary nurse
in a nursing home, in Drighlington which is in Leeds, West
Yorkshire. My working days were twelve-hour shifts, five
days a week. I finished my shift at 8pm. After an 8am start
that morning, I clocked out and went through the main door
of the home into the car park. I went to my car, I was driving
a green Skoda which I had purchased from a well-known
garage. I set off back to the house I was looking after while
my friend Karen went on holiday to Australia for a month.
Karen’s house was only a six-minute drive from my workplace in Morley in Leeds. I had to park at the side of the
house as Karen’s husband’s car had not yet been taken and
parked outside where we worked, so it could be watched
twenty-four seven. I got out of my car and locked it up then
walked to the front door and proceeded to unlock and enter
the house; there is no feeling as weird as entering someone’s
house when they are not at home. I had to dash in so the
alarm would not go off as this was linked to the police station. I turned off the alarm relieved it had remained silent.
Though I knew the password to tell them should the alarm
have been activated, I still did not want it going off and wasting anyone’s time. I went back into my car to get the clothes
packed for the month and took them back into the house.
Then I went upstairs and sorted out how to work the shower.
After I had my shower I went downstairs feeling a little
hungry and looked for something to eat. I decided upon
beans on toast. Before I began the meal I turned on the TV
before finally washing up and making myself a coffee. I sat
down again and looked through the sky channels. She had
all the channels if I remember correctly. I watched the dating
channels and put on gay date TV looking to see how many
guys were looking for a one night stand; better still a longterm relationship as that’s what I was looking for. I wanted
to know if at some point it was worth sending a text to the
screen. However, I did not do anything that night, I just sat
and watched for a while and worked out the pros and cons.
After a while I went back into the kitchen where I had
seen a bottle of Jack Daniels whisky and thought it would go
nice with the coke I saw earlier while making my tea. After
doing myself a JD and coke I sat down once more mulling
over the fact this was the first time I had had JD and the
first time with coke. On past occasions I’d had it straight or
with hot milk and sugar as a hot toddy and it seemed rather
strange drinking it with coke. I only had it because I had
heard other people talking of having a JD and coke.
I decided to flick through the film channels and see what
was on and came across a horror movie When Darkness
Falls and as I was not feeling tired I decided to watch it. It
was about a tooth fairy who killed people if she knew that
you had seen her. It was the first time I had seen it and to be
honest the first time I had even heard of it. It was a really
good film and I have since tried to find it but to no avail. At
this point I decided because I had to be up in the morning I’d
better go to bed.
I went upstairs and entered the bedroom where I started
to feel nervous about sleeping in someone else’s bed. I wondered how I was going to sleep in a strange bed and as I
didn’t sleep well I thought I would be awake all night. I undressed, got into bed, and set the alarm on my phone, lying
thinking about what tomorrow had in store at work. After
three hours or so I fell asleep, woke to my alarm going off
THE DEVIL IN HIS BLUE EYES
and put it on snooze. It went off a second time prompting
me to get out of bed. I put my uniform on, went down to the
kitchen, made a coffee then sat and had a cigarette. I didn’t
have breakfast as when I first wake in the morning I feel sick
and can only stomach coffee, but I always have something
later at work.
I pulled up in the car park outside the home, locked the car
and went through the doors. I clocked in before entering the
lift and descended to the ground floor where the staffroom
was situated and made myself a coffee. The other nursing
staff came in and asked me about Karen’s house and how my
first night went. I told them it felt strange at first and equally
strange when I woke up this morning. I told them how nervous I was with Karen’s alarm and how I made a dash for
it because I didn’t want it to go off. It was good to have my
own space for a while. I had lived on my own before but that
is going back to my late teens. They laughed at me as they
tried to picture me doing a ready steady go; it’s not funny, I
scowled at them and this caused them to laugh.
“Are you really that bad with the alarm?” Jude my manager asked with a big grin. “Yes,” I muttered. Before I knew
it, it was eight o’clock came and time to go to Karen’s house.
I clocked out, went to the car, and drove the short distance
to the house. I pulled up, got out and proceeded to the unlocked front door and made a dash to the alarm. I was relieved, another job well done. I went upstairs, had a shower,
put some normal clothes on and put my uniform in the wash.
I made myself a coffee and sat and watched some TV while
thinking about my working day and what I had learnt. I also
wondered what I could do better. I’ve always thought think
a good nurse evaluates their day for self-improvement. After having my coffee I made something to eat. After I had
washed up I wondered whether to bring my qualification
folder in and make a start on the unit I was supposed to be
doing as it was due in on Tuesday.
I went out to the car and brought in my folder. I sometimes found it hard to summon up the energy to do it as I
worked five days a week – which gave me just one day off
– the qualifications, and of course in the evening. I lay on
the floor and started to work on my unit and but the time
passed quickly so I put it all away, made myself a drink, had
a smoke and watched some more gay date TV. This time I
thought I would give it a go and text the channel. I did get a
reply to my text, it said:
Genuine gay guy 25yrs old looking for other genuine gay
guy for ltr.
I tried to sound confident and not too lonely, but all I really wanted was a guy to call my own. One who would love
and accept me for who I am as I would likewise, it seemed
like a game I’m never going to win.
It turned out in the end he was not my sort of guy. In any
case it was expensive to text the channel so I did not want
to do it often. I went to bed but was up all night so I just did
some more of my unit to pass the time away and before I
knew it was time to get ready and go to work.
* * *
I had been looking after the house now for nearly two
weeks and it was the start of my holiday I had booked of
work. This would give me time to work on my qualification and have a much needed break. At this point I had not
texted to gay date TV for a while. A couple of days into
my holiday Karen’s daughter rang to say she had to go to
hospital. I think it was her appendix and Lyndsey worked
at the same home as me. I went to the hospital with her.
We texted Sue who also worked at the home and told her
what was going on. That evening Sue came to pick me
up and we went to the hospital LGI and that is where we
stayed till Lyndsey came out of theatre. That night I volunteered to look after Lyndsey’s son Kyle. When I got
back I rang Karen just as Lyndsey had asked me to do
though Sue told me I shouldn’t have and told me what
THE DEVIL IN HIS BLUE EYES
I tried to put Kyle to bed but he did not want to be left
alone and after a while he fell asleep on the sofa. I tried to
get some sleep in the armchair just in case he woke but it
was futile. Morning seemed come soon. I got Kyle ready
and give him his breakfast ready for Sue to come and pick us
up to go to the hospital to see if Lyndsey was allowed back
home. Lyndsey was discharged from hospital and stayed
with me at her mum’s for the night just in case something
went wrong. The next day Lyndsey and Kyle went home and
I was alone once more. A couple of days later I decided to
text a gay date TV channel and give it one more go. I sent the
same message again.
Genuine gay guy 25 years old seeks other genuine gay
guy for ltr.
I received a reply this time, it was Kevin. We swapped
numbers and started to text each other, asking each other
questions. In one of my texts I asked him how old he was because at this point I had no idea. He texted back and told me
he was 38. However, at this point I didn’t reply to the text because I thought he was too old for me. Also my parents had a
problem with the age gap between my sister and her husband
and among other things my dad had told her to leave home.
* * *
It was bonfire night, I’d settled down to do some work on
my qualification and for the first time I had the heating on.
Karen had the heating and gas fire on at the same time so it
took a while for the house to get cool. I get a text from Pam
to say that Alf, one of my service users, had taken a turn for
the worse, his family had been called in and he was asking
for me. After all the years of nursing I have never been asked
for by a service user in these circumstances. I get in the car
and drove to work to see Alf. I made my way to his room
to find his family at his bed side. I knocked and waited for
them to say come in. Before I had had time to introduce myself his son Martin said: “Yes,” I said timidly.
“Dad, Martin’s here,” his son said loudly.
I shouted his name so he could hear my voice. He opened
his eyes for the last time, looked at me and gave me a smile. I
felt myself welling up as he closed his eyes for the final time.
I said my goodbyes to the family as I got ready to leave.
They were then able to spend what time they had left with
him. Shortly after my visit Alf passed away.
I went up to the nurses’ station to find Rose on duty. She
had a smile for everyone.
“How funny is that?” she says.
“I was just about to ring you to tell you about Alf. How
did you know?” she asked with a confused look.
“Pam texted me to let me know,” I muttered as I tried to
make my voice and face unreadable.
My stay at the house had come to an end. I finished work,
went back to the house and waited for Karen to come back.
They arrived back in the early hours of the morning. As a
thank you gift they brought me back a leather wallet and
a lighter. It was too late to go back to my parents as even
though had my own key they would lock up and leave the
key in and go to bed if I wasn’t back in time. So I pulled in
the bottom car park at the Toby Carvery in Morley, slept in
the car and got ready at work the next day.
* * *
Before I knew it Christmas was here. I was working
Christmas day and most of the rest of the holiday. However,
we did have a nice Christmas dinner. New Year passed and
the decorations were put away. It was now the beginning
of February 2005 and last night there had been gale force
winds. It was still quite windy when I set off to work, I was
driving over the tops and turned the corner to find a tree had
just fallen at the same time and I ran into it. It had gone right
under the car and I could not move it. I rang home and told
my dad what had happened. He came and we put the car in
THE DEVIL IN HIS BLUE EYES
We arrived back home and from there I rang work to tell
them what had happened. My manager ordered me a taxi
and I had hoped Jude my manager would say I didn’t have
to go in to work. The car was taken away to be assessed and
the insurance company decided to write the car off as it was
going to cost too much to repair so I was then left without
a car after the payout had been agreed. I was a bit upset as I
had only had the Skoda for about six months and I lost out
big time in the payout, so at weekends I had to stay at work
as I could not get there by bus at the weekend. I was with
my mum in Keighley in West Yorkshire, looking at cars and
in particular a nearly new Nissan micra. I said to my mum I
really like it and was thinking of test driving and buying it.
My mum said let’s go and have a look at the Peugeot dealers.
So we went over before having a look on the forecourt then
went inside to have a look at the new ones.
My mum thought with all the hours I was working, and
because there was not much between prices, I would be better off getting a brand new car than borrowing a little to get
a used car. They had a deal on a Peugeot 206 zest so we had
a look round and in the end I asked to test drive one. After
the test my mum asked if I liked it and I said yes. I ended up
ordering one once all the finances had been sorted.
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