Fall 3 - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood

THE ROPE
THE COMPLETE BIRTH OF THE FUNNY
k
eko Muckity Muck! Keko Muckity Muck! Mene Mene Teckle Upharsin! BSSS!
HRSG! BMMC! BUHCC! SCURVY! Lost in transition, the Brothers NoZe must position some volition on whether opposition is the right decision for our next politician.
‘Cause Underwood deserves some recognition: playing cleanup position took reasonable ambition, sure, but I must inquisition “another raise in tuition?” UN-necessary.
U
Our proposition?
We commission the musician prez on a diplomatic mission to repair faculty division with a harmonious composition. So can I get a Satch? Satchel? Satchellissiiimoooooooooooooooo!!!!!
Ye shall know them by their NoZes...
-2-
The Brotherhood of
the NoZe Presents...
Cunning Linguist
Bro. TheNoZeous Monk (1)
Shekel Keeper
Lorde Mayor
Bro. NoZe Sequiter (11)
Bro. NoZe v. Wade (9)
E-Brother
Bro. NoZe, Table for Six
Linguist Emeritus
Bro. RomaNoZe Clef (3)
The Brothers
The Bored of Graft
Bro. Bush’s Krispy TacNoZe (2) Bro. AbstiNoZe (8)
Bro. KuntNoZe Kinte
Bro. Don’t Cry For Me
Bro. Fats DomiNoZe (4)
ArgentiNoZe (5)
Bro. NoZe Before Hoes
Bro. Supercali-etc-NoZe
Bro. 867-530NoZe
Bro. RomaNoZe Clef
Bro. NoZe Def
Faculty Hostage
Venerable Exiles
Bro. NoZe Better*
Bro. Al PachiNoZe
Hangin’ On
Bro. Huey P. NoZeton
Bro. Charles K. PoNoZi
Bro. Ultra MagNoZe
Bro. SharoNoZe, mu-mu-mu-my
Bro. Samir NoZeenanajar
Bro. Obi-wan KeNoZebi
Bro. NoZeB-GYN
Bro. XeNoZe, Warrior Princess
Bro. NoZeanderthal
Bro. NoZé Cuervo
Bro. DyNoZemite
Bro. NoZetre Dame Walk-on
Trembling Neophytes, Sore and Afraid: Marlon BrandNoZe (7), Casper the Friendly NoZe (6), NoZepotism (10)
THE
R
O
P
E
Vol. 81
No. 3
-3-
Dear
Lorde
Mayor
He answers the questions that matter the most
Dear Lorde Mayor,
I’m really enjoying all the coverage of me in the last few Ropes, it’s almost like I’m
a celebrity or something. Do you think that mentioning it will impress girls?
Still Here
Dear Caleb Marsh,
No. Stick with the blatant lies, they’ve worked so far.
And now, a few
words from the
Cunning Linguist
Ahh, yes. It feels good to be in power…The
helm of Cunning Linguist has finally recognized its poster child, so please, do allow me to introduce myself. I am Bro. TheNoZeous Monk. Be sure to remember that
name, because my mother always told me
that I am destined for success. Now that I
have been rightfully recognized as grand
emperor of all that is righteous, divine,
and debaucherous, I can begin my quest
to implement my whims through this precious vehicle known as the Rope. This is
truly the Birth of the Funny (see cover.)
As Cunning Linguist, I politely request
that you take a small break from reading
this killer rag and look around you. Things
are not as they’ve always been. The times,
they are a changin’. There’s a new Cunning
Linguist (that’s me), a new university president in town, and most importantly, the
special edition DVD of the Big Lebowski
is being released. Oh, how lucky are you,
the gentle reader, to witness such awe-inspiring events? I’ll tell you how lucky you
are.. extremely lucky. Not only am I the
greatest human being since the invention
of sliced bread, but I also eat sandwiches
on a daily basis, made of that same bread.
-4-
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Don’t you think the new Cunning Linguist is a bit full of himself?
Annoyed Across the Hall
Dear Me,
Why yes, yes he is.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Do you guys really accept questions
from the student body, or does one guy write
them all by himself?
Guess Who
Dear Me Agai n,
Take up all the space you want; if
you want, explain the meaning of life.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Lorde Mayor Bro. NoZe v. Wade, two
What is the meaning of life?
days sober, three years illiterate...
Confused in Collins
Dear Audra Allen,
Well it’s actually
As I quite simple. When one rises early in the morning, and the butter
made out ofwas
that particular
saying, cream is an unbelievable tasting product and well deserved, then one
can
use itthe
to reimburse
themselves
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Z e tacky glue they had to
before
end of the
page in the from all the crayon boxes
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it
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out-of-pocket.
At least no
B r o t h e rquite
h o o behind.
d
rudely cut me off... I was also the
one will ever
know
what this
says
except me.
(Satch!) hope you read this Rope
recipient
of the
esteemed
“Most
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Well,
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at the
Noble
“New” President to Take Over Baylor in 2006
Faculty Senate to Give Vote of No Confidence as Housewarming Gift
Well, it looks like Interim-Interim
President Lilley is off to a classic start!
After being publicly named as the unanimous choice for the Baylor Presidency by
the Board of Regents at 3:00 PM, there
was already a scandal brewing by the 10
o’clock news involving his presidency at
the University of Nevada in Reno. This
broke the previous land-speed record for a
scandal, set by Bob Sloan in 2003, which
clocked in at just less than 20 hours, 14
minutes, and 7.268 seconds.
The scandal at UNR, which focused
on faculty dissatisfaction, walrus infestation, and a severe lack of university sponsored prostitutes on campus, is eerily similar to the situation under Sloan – minus the
faculty dissatisfaction.
Several members of the Faculty
Senate here at Baylor have already started
preparing for the upcoming battle. Dr. Eric
Robinson, who wished to remain nameless (for fear of becoming jobless) claimed
that, “[the faculty are] ready to do whatever it takes to make sure that this campus is
thrown into a medieval upheaval over petty misunderstandings and differences once
again.” When asked why he felt it necessary to bring division back to Baylor, Robinson revealed that this could increase the
university’s news coverage and potentially
draw more students to the university.
While most were concerned about
his lack of experience in appeasing faculty,
all were pleasantly surprised when Lilley
invited the entire Faculty Senate to rock
in chairs on his front porch. All awkward
tension was broken when Lilley offered
Robinson a big bag of ribbon candy.
“Let your disagreements melt away On the other hand, not everyone on camlike the sugary goodness of this old tasty pus has been acting as irrational as Mr.
treat,” opted Lilley as he
Sweeny; Bro. Therocked to and fro’ while
NoZeous Monk of
nursing a Bartle’s and
the Noble NoZe
James. Saltwater taffy and
Brotherhood, East
a game of stickball were
Waco
Diocese
reportedly also involved,
(Satch!) has taken
although most members
a legitimately hosof the Senate had to “run
tile political stance
on home” when the street
by openly declaring an intifada
lights came on.
on the incoming
“Oh, I get it,” expresident. Sources
claimed Bro. Fats Domifrom deep within
Noze. “It’s because he’s
the NoZe Brotherhood say that
old! That’s stupid…”
this threat should
However, this isbe taken worth a
grain of salt, seesue seems to be the last
ing as Monk has
thing on the minds of righPresident John Lilley wants to also declared inteous Baylor Bears everygive you a Werther’s Original. tifadas on Little
where. The main concern
that has been troubling
Debbie
snack
the campus involves Dr. Lilley’s previous cakes, some guy in his advanced calculus
presidency of secular institutions.
class, and the entire Atlantic Ocean within
the past week alone.
“UNR is a state school,”
said Life Group leader Todd Sweeny. “I’m
“Personally, I can’t wait for the letafraid Lilley’s not going to understand ters-to-the-me,” beamed local Lariat intern
how we operate here at Baylor. I mean, is and highest ranking official at the newshe going to start every meeting off with a paper, Josh Horton. “It’s just a shame that
prayer? Will he bless every meal (espe- I’m completely illiterate.”
cially the public ones) before he eats? Or
While the future for Baylor’s Bighow about scheduling his quiet times during the business day, so that anyone who’s gest-Little President remains uncertain, it
interested can peek in his office and know probably won’t be as horrible as some fear
how devout he is? These are concerns that or as good as some hope. In any case, the
haven’t been addressed yet, and I’m afraid issue has taken a backseat for 99% of camthat I speak for everyone when I say…” pus who are more concerned with Karaoke
Todd’s interview was suddenly cut short on Wednesday night at Scruff’s and the
when we turned around and walked away. current walrus infestation.
-5-
Christian Marriage Banned in Texas
With an underwhelming vote of 2,837 to 34.3,
Texans passed Prop-2, a proposition to make the act of marriage between two people of
the Christian faith completely
illegal. Most weren’t shocked
by the results considering the
conservative nature of most
voters in the state.
“This was really a vote
to uphold the sanctity of marriage,” claimed Bob Burndlemeyer, a local member of
7th and James Barely Baptist
Church. “The Baptist faith has
always fought for a strict separation of church and state, so
we’re glad that the state finally
butted its head out of our business and let us be.”
Most voters cited ethical reasons, such as the divorce
rate, while some turned to the
scriptures and yet others had
no rational reasons at all. The
most vocal proponents of the
measure cited Old Testament
scriptures about men not shaving their beards or committing
adultery.
“I’m dancing with this
beautiful woman, and all I
can think about is the extralarge sausage at Rollo’s..
Damn the Navy and damn
this war.”
“The fact is,” continued Burndlemeyer, “most
Christians just don’t deserve
marriage. We’ve had a lot of
problems with ‘loving thy
neighbor’ and pretty high divorce rates. Knowing that it’s a
Godly institution, it should be
left to those who don’t sin.”
Burton Hornsby, a
Christian whose marriage was
recently annulled, was more
than upset about the decision.
“Christians invented marriage.
Nowhere, in any other culture
has there ever been marriage of
any form other than in Christianity. It wasn’t until recently
that the heathens adopted the
practice for the sole purpose of
getting tax breaks.”
“Burton makes a great
point,” agreed Prop-2 supporter Andrew Reed. “Unfortunately none of it’s true. But
if he was right, man would we
be in trouble.”
Reed went on to explain his position: “Allowing
Christians to marry is unthinkable! It would open the flood
gates to allowing polygamy,
bestiality and men marrying their coffee tables. I think
that’s obvious to anyone with
a little bit of common sense.”
One of the more rational arguments in support of
Prop-2 is that Christian marriage would lead to the demise
of civil society and that mankind would be plunged into a
brutish existence of savagery
spent scraping through the ruins of a once-proud civilization. This dark age of humanity could last anywhere from
300 to 12,000 years according
to most Christian Marriage
Ban advocates.
However, not everyone
was pleased with the passage
of Prop-2. Ted Speckleston, a
member of a Christian Rights
Activist group, claimed that
the arguments for the Christian Marriage Ban were unfounded. “We’re just regular
people wanting to express our
love in a clear and meaningful manner. We’re no different
than you. All we want is some
In Other News...
In what came as a surprise decision to
many here at Baylor, Dean Manness of
the Business School unanimously decided a few weeks ago to remove Tim
Smith from Hankamer’s Board of Advisors. As it turns out, Smith was caught
drinking from the forbidden Starbucks
cup; “Well, I saw him threatening social
harmony, so I seized the cup from him
and threw it away. Then I fired Smith
and tore down the entire hallway he was
standing in to ensure that no one would
be influenced by any of the lingering effects,” beamed Manness.
Come stuff your face at...
Poppa Rollo’s
Pizza Pie Parlor
Ph. 254.776.6776
-6-
respect and equal protection under the
law.”
When asked his opinion on the
matter, Jesus Christ, a local deity, was
vehemently opposed to the ban. “You
can’t just single out a certain group of
people and tell them they can’t partake
in some arbitrary act, can you? What’s
next?! Intelligent Design being taught
in public schools?!”
Indeed, what is next, Jesus?
703 N. Valley Mills Dr.
a Thanksgiving Memoir
By: Dr. Tom Hanks, Dapper
(Note from the Cunning Linguist: Over the break we found this page from Tom Hank’s diary fluttering in the wind, detailing his Thanksgiving experiance. We
here at the Rope would like to share it with you.)
g
ods be praised! This year shall see the greatest Day of Thanks in my 3 score and a dozen fortnights long life. With an empty abode
I find myself with the freedom of a thousand sunless prairies to indulge in the sweetest of all mortal libations, the traditional feast
fixture of the Pilgrim’s Pride: the breast of the turkey slathered upon two warm loaves of Ciabatta imbibed down with the Dew of
the Mountains.
This most delectable of poultry treats has truly satiated me stomach’s desire on this day. Peradventure I shall enjoy another, and then
again, peradventure I shall not. Doth thou know the glorious splendor of an afternoon on thine own whilst devouring the meat of the bird and
divulging into paroxysms of joy over the succulent flavor of both the sandwich and mine lonely state?
I truly give thanks to you, Almighty God on High for blessing me with this most succulent of bounties. With me stomach full of this
majestic creature’s flesh, you have dared me to be less like a man and more like a God myself.
But Alas! What other worldly soul can I share my token adventures with but mine diary and mine own stress-burdened memory?
But I digress, for though loneliness, the most cruelest of arrows, has struck my heart this day, I am comforted in knowing that soon
enough my true love’s whisper shall be upon my neck again. My bride, to hold her in my eyes once more will be a moment most highly
treasured when her metal steed carries her faithfully back up the pilgrimage trail known as Inter-State Thirty Five. Ride true upon Le Sabre’s
saddle! Grasp the hilt with a holiday’s worth of yearning, for the winds of desire shall drive that mighty steed’s flanks at a speed I fear you
have not dared to imagine.
The days to come hold only misery with the dreary countenance of Cultures of the World lectures in the eponymous BIC and the sullen
hours dragging by like the stone of Sisyphus whilst I wait for the hands of the clock to call me back home to the arms of my bride. Oh yes! She
who has ensnared my heart for so long! The one true object of my longing! Every minute feels like an eternity of never-ending sorrow when
she and I are apart.
King Arthur himself would grow the green ivy of envy to know that her sweet love belonged to me, but I long til the next festival – the
birth of our Lord – to share the splendors I have garnered on this day with you, my bride. My lonely state will persist until you finally return.
Should she not return to me safely tonight, there will be much suffering in Gildor tommorow.
Stop Killing yourself over
which apartment complex to
live at... go to
Arlington Farms!
Ph: 254.753.0178
1800 Primrose Dr.
-7-
Bro. TheNoZeous Monk Disappointed at Meeting
Lack of Oatmeal Cream Pies plays crucial role
At 5:14 am on Friday,
November 18, 2005, during the
illustrious diurnal meeting of
the Noble NoZe Brotherhood
(Satch!), Bro. TheNoZeous
Monk made a shocking discovery: the once overflowing box
of Lil’ Debbie Oatmeal Cream
Pies had been ravaged by the
Brotherhood! With a cry of despair to rival the gutless whining of Prometheus, or that one
time when Bro. Al PaciNoZe’s
mother fully realized what she
had brought onto the earth,
TheNoZeous stopped all productivity with a bloodcurdling
bellow.
“How could something
like this happen?” he wailed.
Sadly, no one could give him
an answer that would satisfy
him. Bro. Casper the Friendly
NoZe looked away guiltily as
TheNoZeous’ accusing eyes
roamed the room.
“I admit it, I had an
oatmeal cream pie,” said the
penitent neophyte. In what
can only be described as a fit
of pure rage accompanied by
an uncanny vocabulary, Monk
kicked the trembling neophyte
out of the NoZe mansion. After
the brilliant display of a clear
power trip, Bro. Don’t Cry
for me ArgentiNoZe turned to
TheNoZeous and quietly said,
“Dude… Bro. Samir had like,
eight.”
It was at this point that
Bro. RomaNoZe Clef stepped
in. “Guys! We’ve got a ton of
work to do. What are you griping about?” When ArgentiNoZe broke the news of what
had just gone down to him,
RomaNoZe, in a show of super human strength that only
comes to mere mortals in times
of great duress, ripped off the
head of the nearest neophyte
and exclaimed “We’re out of
Oatmeal Cream Pies?!?!?!
Have I not suffered enough!?”
Sonny’s B.Y.O.B.
*$5 Admission 6-8 PM
*Wed- Over 40, 1/2 cover
*Sun, Mon & Thurs Football Halftime Buffet & $1 Dances
*15+ Exotic Dancers
*$5 off w/ Military or College ID
*Hourly Dance Specials
Open 7 days, 6pm - 4am
“Okay girls, on four... Heel, toe, heel, toe,
spin, tops off, pants down.”
-8-
Ph: 254.754.3139
2300 S. Loop 340 @ S. 12th
Point: Man, You people are great for diversity!
By: Jennifer “Jenn” Robertson, Typical Baptist
Man, you people are great. You’ve really helped out with campus diversity here
at Baylor. We used to be a closed minded Baptist university, but since we started accepting people like you, we’ve been exposed to a whole new world of ideas!
I used to think that my way of life was the only way, but you people have really
changed my mind. You see, I used to shy away from you in public because I thought no
good could come of you. Once I took the time to understand you, I have simply fallen in
love with everything about you: your unique music, interesting jewelry and boisterous
passion for your own way of life.
At times though, I must admit that I am slightly disappointed by you guys. I
always see you sitting together at one of the many dining halls, having your own private
conversations, and I wish you would ask me to join. I noticed you going to your very
own churches, and all I want is an invite. I want to participate. I want to be involved. I
want to know more about you, because, isn’t that what multiculturalism is all about?
So you guys are a little
different, what’s the big deal?
Diversity is very important at a major university, and you people give it to us in spades. So I urge you not to listen to what
everyone else at this school has been saying about you, because when it comes down to it, they just aren’t as open minded as I am.
Counter-Point: I’m Catholic, quit calling me “you people”
By: Peter O’Malley, “Catholic-American”
What the hell man? I’m Catholic. We’re really not that different from you; despite what you may have
heard, Catholics are Christians too. If anything, we’re more Christian than you because we still hold all
seven sacraments.
I hear all this talk about how we’re the weird ones, about how we need to change. Did you know there
was a time when Catholics were the only Christians around? I like to call it the period from 39 to 1649
AD. We had a good thing going. The destitute masses of Europe were a cash cow, and then you Protestants had to show up with your “faith alone” ideas and ruin everything.
One church under
God my Fanny!
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that it hasn’t been all smooth sailing for us across the millennia (that’s
right, millennia) but after 2000 years, anybody’s bound to have at least a few bad days. Contrary to what
you might think though, we are trying our best. Wait, what am I making an excuse to you people for? I
tell you what, you give me a call in 1800 years, and we’ll see how well you’ve been doing. Because so
far, you haven’t gotten off to the most auspicious of starts.
-9-
Hey guys... what
are we gonna do
about this new
President, Lilley?
Well, we don‛t know much
about him other than the
fact that this “new”
guy is actually pretty
old. Oh, and the big
scandals at UNR.
But we don‛t really
know how he‛s gonna
fly here at Baylor.
That‛s weak, brother. He‛s already
presented us with a sizeable amount
of material..Who would think that a
music man could lead a university?
What‛s next, our football team
being replaced by 76 trombones?
- 10 -
Dude, your Music Man references
are stupid lame.
...and thought....
Shut-up Brothers...
Let‛s get to work
on this.
So, the NoZe
Brothers thought....
I‛ve got it! We‛ll come out
both against him, and for
him! That way if he alienates the faculty, we will
have been right all along.
And if he somehow ushers this university into a
renaissance of unity, then
we‛ll have been right all
along too! This is the best
idea I‛ve had since I
decided to incorporate
that chainsaw into my
dinner habits.
Internal consistency?! Integrity?
I don‛t know if we ever had
any of that to start with,
Brother, but if we ever did,
I‛m pretty sure we lost it when
we put out the
magazine. Besides,
we‛ll still end up
looking better
than the Lariat.
But what about internal consistency,
Brother? People will begin to take us as
serious as some stupid comic book.
What about our integrity?
And so the Sun sets in Elm
Mott, knowing that once again,
the NoZe will provide students
with something to read
during class.
- 11 -
Student Congress to Help Spread Aids, Awareness.
Misplaced Comma Causes Mass, Confusion
With a vote of 3 for,
1 against and 38 abstaining, a
bill passed in Student Congress
last Thursday to allocate over
$1,999.99 to Students Fighting
AIDS Awareness, a new student
group created by several members of Baylor Students for Social Justice and the Family Guy
Watching Club.
“There is an epidemic in
this country,” claimed Stephanie
Howe, President of SFAIDSA.
“Over 93% of all Americans are
exposed, most unknowingly,
to AIDS Awareness everyday.
It could come from a teacher,
a doctor, a sexual partner. The
threat is literally everywhere.”
The money will be al-
located so that members of
the group and at least 38 other
students, representing the 20% of
Americans that are totally aware
of the existence of the deadly
syndrome, can go shirtless to
school on National AIDS Day in
an effort to stifle the dangerous
onslaught of knowledge.
However, the benevolent
legislation hit a brick wall late
last night when Student Body
President Mark “Everybody
Loves” Raymond vetoed the bill.
“I knew that my giant new veto
stamp would come in handy,”
claimed Raymond. “I, mean, I
believed in the cause. I think
AIDS Awareness needs to be
stopped as much as the next guy,
but I just couldn’t let the semester end without at least pretending to be against something.”
President of Student
Congress Scott “Hoosier Daddy”
Beggs was unavailable for comment as he was in the middle of
an extremely important nap.
At that point in the controversy, the Lariat, a campus
laughingstock, smelled blood
and couldn’t help but move in
for the kill. “Me like to edit,”
drooled Josh Horton, the “editor”. “Me good at words. Me
like to give campus me opinions.
Meow!”
Oddly enough, the veto
will have little to no effect on
the organization because, as it
turns out, they weren’t going to
be able to stop AIDS Awareness
in the first place. “I think we
can get by,” claimed Stephanie
Howe. When asked how the
group planned on impeding the
knowledge of an epidemic which
everyone already knows about,
or how it would even help the
problem, Howe blinked her eyes
and began to tear up in a moment
which broke through the dark
boundaries of satire and burst
into the blinding light of common sense.
To actually help in the
fight against AIDS contact www.
AIDSforAIDS.org. To pretend to
be helping, wear an ugly yellow
shirt and educate yourself.
Common
Grounds
Coffee Shoppe
“... but the thing i
miss most of all,
jimmy, is my
cowboy coffee.”
Ph: 254.757.2957
“We don’t care if you
want to go to the Sizzler
again, Dr. Lilley, we’re
going to Claypot.’
Claypot
Viet Cuisine
Ph: 254.756.2721
- 12 -
1123 S. 8th St.
920 K.H. Kultgen Fwy
Noze in the Street Ask...
What do you think about the new President?
“Bush got re-elected? That’s
unbelievable! Did you know his
ranch is right down the road?”
Amanda Brophy, Pi Phi
“I dunno... I guess he’s alright,
but he’s a bit old, isn’t he?”
John Lilley, Class of ‘62
“Didn’t we just ask this a
couple of months ago?”
Bro. Fats DomiNoZe
The Olive Branch
Bakery and Cafe
“Gentlemen, calmdown.. Let’s go to
Olive Branch and settle the dispute
over some pastries”
Mon-Fri: 7:30 AM - 3:00 PM
Sun: 9:00 AM - 2:00 PM
Closed Sat.
Ph: 254.757.0885
601 Franklin Ave.
- 13 -
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Found Posing for Playboy
While immersed in some
important reading, Capital One
Vice-President Bill Yontz was
surprised and slightly aroused
when instead of finding another
lurid picture of a young lady,
he came across Baylor’s beloved mascot, Bruiser. Faster
than you can say “trundle-bed,”
the Capital One Investigatory
Squad placed the mascot under
triple turquoise investigation.
After twelve days of rigorous goings on, the Squad was
able to confirm Bruiser’s participation in nude photography and
also found that Bruiser had used
the $5000 awarded to Baylor’s
mascot program to surgically
enhance himself. When charges
were filed against Bruiser, several key witnesses stepped in to
testify on his behalf including
Even though Bruiser was
Thelma Frenkel, 1956 Playmate acquitted, he still chose to reof the Year, and the omniscient move himself from the tasteHugh Hefner.
less contest.
Students and
As mountains
alumni were horriof evidence piled
fied. When asked his
up, there seemed
opinion on the matto be no hope for
ter, Baylor junior
Bruiser, until Hefand FIJI member
ner himself passed
Sprinkle Johannesburg smugly noted,
out a few lifetime
“Honestly man, that
subscriptions and
bear looked good,
took the stand. The
I mean, I didn’t see
subsequent testimothe photos, but I’d
ny was too incredible for words, but
like to think that
all charges against
he was one attracBruiser,
Bruiser were im- pre-enhancive surgery tive bear.” Oddly
mediately dropped
enough, Johannesand many apologetic letters burg was immediately expelled
and naughty photographs were for his statement by the dark
mailed to the mascot.
powers that be, while simulta-
“For God’s sake, you harlot of
Babylon! Cover yourself up with a
shirt from Bearcotton!”
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neously being named president
of his fraternity. “I swear, man,
I really didn’t see the pictures,”
he added awkwardly. “And if I
did, I didn’t enjoy them.”
The most important figure
in the controversy, Bruiser, took
off his cartoonishly large head to
make a public statement. “None
of this would have happened if
Baylor hadn’t made the mascot
suit anatomically correct.”
It seems that the heart of
Baylor has been ripped out and
eaten by the very bear that exemplified it. The school has
been banned from future Capital One contests which sources
claim will have little to no effect
on the school’s future.
Ph: 254.296.0095
1211 Speight Ave.
Opposite Corner from HEB
Mr. PuZZle asks: “Are you going to
study for finals this year?”
Put together the picture puzzle to find out!
+
=?
Grand Opening
to the public!
Come and enjoy Baylor’s newest dining hall, on the corner
of University Parks and I-35!
* 24 Hour Breakfast!
* Full Salad Bar!
* New Dessert Station!
* Big Screen TVs!
* Handicapped Parking!
* Vegetarian Menu!
* Clean Bathrooms!
* Friendly Staff!
* Use Your Meal Card!
* Comfortable Booths!
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Readers beware! Here come the
BRIEFS!
Guerilla Troupe Having Trouble Writing New Material
The Guerrilla Comedy
Troupe of Baylor University was
scheduled to perform at several
staff birthday parties in addition
to the welcome party for the new
president, but it seems that the
Troupe will be canceling its campus-wide tour early this year. As
of late, the news is that the improvisational comedy group is
on a sabbatical of sorts. To get to
the heart of the matter, the Noble
NoZe Brotherhood (satch!) interviewed troupster Zach Kelty.
“We could tell something
wasn’t clicking in our last few
performances. I accredit it to our
lack of new material.” According
to Kelty, the group is taking the
rest of the semester off to write
fresh sketches; they are even considering an emergency day-afterChristmas meeting if the early
writing sessions fail to provide
the monkey boys with enough
“usable” material.
“Don’t worry, Baylor’s
favorite improvisational, sketch-
based, audience-oriented comedy
performing group will be back
with some fresh new skits by the
first week of the Spring semester,” said Kelty, who for the first
time was not reading his lines off
a pre-composed press release.
Upon realizing that this
article only contained one humorous premise, the Cunning Linguist immediately sent Bro. NoZe
Sequitur, the author, to deliver this
article to the Troupe, because one
joke is better than none at all.
Business School Honored as Exemplary
Still fails TAAS writing section
Waco, TX –The lockers in the main hallway were buzzing with pride today after Waco ISD awarded
Hankamer School of Business with an ‘Exemplary High School Award’. “We’re very proud to finally be
rewarded for all of our hard work,” said Dean Maness, who claimed that the new lackadaisical approach to
testing led to higher test scores, which led to the exemplary rating. “Turns out, if you make the tests easy,
the scores go up! I can’t believe that we didn’t think of this sooner.” What really matters, of course, is that
the students are thrilled to finally go to a real business school. The award has caused such jubilation that it
may even make students forget that they won’t have a job when they graduate. As a reward for their hard
work, B-school students are being sent on a field trip to the zoo next Wednesday.
Bankston’s
Cards, Collectable’s and Miscellany
Ph: 254.755.0070
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1321 S. Valley Mills
Gene Simmons
to Join Kiss
Tribute Band
Citing a dip in his popular, the former front man for
the power ballad, proto-heavy
metal band KISS has decided
to become the front man for a
cover band playing the tunes
of his former power ballad,
proto-heavy metal band KISS.
“At first, I just wanted
to Rock and Roll all night and
party every day. But when
KISS busted, I ended up a
shallow man wearing makeup and living hand to mouth
on Kraft macaroni and cheese
and random uppers,” claimed
Simmons. “But now that I
have this band, I feel like I
actually belong somewhere
again… It’s almost as if this
band was created just for me.”
“Picked up a
Sub-Zero costume
from Bankston’s, eh?
You did remember
our anniversary!”
Hitler Wins Avant Looka-Like Contest
The crowd exploded at
the 153rd annual Gayle Avant
Look-a-Like Contest and Keylime Pie Cook-off Extravaganza
when Adolf Hitler,
a virtual unknown
from Hamburg,
won the top prize
in both categories.
Beer-Hall Rebellion in which he
conspired to give Howard Dean
the Democratic Party Presidential Nomination over a few BigO’s at George’s.
Hitler, who
came out of nowhere to win,
spoke about his
victory. “This is
“The pie
truly a triumph of
was delicious,”
the will. I’ve nevclaimed
Luke
er been able to do
Baker, an honoranything right in
ary judge. “Oh,
my life. I’ve been
struggling for so
and he’s a total
dead-ringer for
long to look like
Gayle Avant.
Gayle Avant. It’s
Gail Avant, 2nd place
just nice to get
The conrecognition for
test was established in honor of something at last.”
one of the most famous world
Avant was available for
figures and Baylor Political Science cronies. Dr. Avant rose comment, but we didn’t really
to notoriety after the infamous care to hear from him.
Freshman Disappointed by Lack of
Glossy Paper in Latest Rope
Jeffery Jones, an Amarillo freshman, showed his
disapproval of the latest issue
of the Rope earlier this morning when, in a fit of pure and
unadulterated rage, he threw
the hilarious paper across his
room, out the window, and
into the flames of a random
bonfire that was coincidently
being held right next to his
classroom.
After contacting themselves to understand the switch
back to tree-based printing
mediums, the NoZe Brothers
revealed that the glossy Ropes
were “just too damn expensive.” When revealed exactly
how much the last issue cost,
Bro. KuntNoZe Kinte exclaimed “That’s a lot of beer.”
It’s approximately 13,227 liters of beer to be exact.
Zoo Trip to be Ruined by
Class Clown
Waco, TX - What was initially planned to be a delightful trip to
the zoo in celebration of Hankamer’s recent upgrade to exemplary
school status will inevitably became a nightmare once the self-titled
“class clown” steps off the bus. In an attempt to relive his glory days
in high school, Ali Hedayatifar, business student and total tool, will
begin to desperately spout out unfunny one-liners and defecating
monkey jokes in an attempt to snare a woman. “I’m really not surprised,” says Melissa Humphery. “At first I got my hopes up about
the trip, but then I realized that if Ali is going, then it’s bound to be
cancelled.” Once the authorities discovered that Hedayatifar and his
mindless drivel would be included in the group going to the zoo,
the Business school decided to play it safe and have a showing of
Disney’s Lion King in Kayser auditorium instead.
“Oh my God! I just realized that Taco Cabana is not
authentic Mexican Food!”
Find out this, and more at
Cancun
Ph: 254.752.0041
1229 N. 18th
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Get in touch with us!
still LOOking for that ultra-rare NOZe apparel?
Or dO you just need someone tO cry tO?
Electronic Mail:
[email protected]
[email protected]
Unelectronic Mail:
The NoZe Brotherhood
PO Box 612
Elm Mott, TX 76640
Phone:
254.710.2222
Website:
www.theNoZe.org
In 1852, Millard Fillmore introduced indoor
plumbing to the Whitehouse, effectively ridding our
Nation’s presidential mansion of Chamber pots forever.
Scruffy Murphy’s
The Brotherhood announces the 81st
annual Millard Fillmore Ball and
Cakewalk Extravaganza!
Drink Responsibly, Always
have a designated driver
On Speight, between 12th and 13th St.
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AFFIDAVIT
The undersigned authority, Dave Robertson, a peace officer for the
Department of Public Safety at Baylor University, after being duly sworn upon
oath deposes says that he has good reason to believe and does believe that
TheNoZeous Monk (name of accused) did commit the offense of Public
Intoxication to the most obscene degree and degradation of the American value system against the laws of the State
of Texas on 11-12-2005.
Said reason and belief is based upon the following facts and circumstances:
At approx. 10:32 pm on 11-12-2005, I, Officer Dave Robertson, received a call concerning a threat to social
harmony at the Collin’s Crush being held in Russell
Gymnasium. Upon arriving to the scene, I saw the single most atrocious event my eyes have ever witnessed.
In the center of the gym the accused, TheNoZeous Monk,
was gyrating his body doing what could only be considered “dancing.” I noticed the subject had become
mad under the influence of the devil’s gin and was an
immediate threat to all persons in the Greater Waco
area. I boldly approached the subject and asked him
to leave, but the madman began assailing me with all
four (4) appendages. Before he was able to induce further harm upon the girls, I called for backup and it
took three (3) men and a stray dog to secure him and
prevent further harm on any of the fine ladies. The
next day I was awarded the “Officer of the Week” award
by Baylor DPS and my wife said she was very proud of
me.
Dear TheNoZeous Monk,
Thank you so much for the wonderful time at Collin’s Crush! I really
appreciated the bouquet roses you gave me; it was by far the sweetest presents I’ve ever received! I had such an exceptional time eating at the Northwood
Inn, I never knew you were so sweet and full of useless information! If only
the rest of the guys at Baylor had a fraction of your astonishing demeanor.
And I still can’t believe you risked your life by saving that poor baby that
wandered into the middle of the interstate! You are such a brave, handsome
young man.
All my friends told me they had the greatest time once you showed up
to the dance. You were such an amazing dancer! The lecture you gave me and
girls about refraining from alcohol really hit home. Thanks to you and the
lessons you taught me, I will never drink again.
I’m not quite sure what went down with the police officer. All of my
friends and I thought that he was a bit out of line. I wasn’t aware that it
was still illegal to dance on campus; I thought that had been repealed back in
1995.
Regardless, thank you for such an amazing night. You truly changed
my life for the better.
Love,
Jen Russell
Two Minnie’s Gentlemen’s Club
No cover from 4 PM - 7 PM Mon thru Sat
Daily Specials:
Sun - Pitchers $6.50
Mon - Drafts $1.00
Tue - U Call It $4.00
Wed - Longnecks $3.25
“I know it’s complicated Dad, Why don’t
you just take me to Two Minnie’s and let
them explain it?”
Thur - Student Night, no cover from
4 PM - 10 PM. Ladies, Thursday is also
Amateur Night!
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“Well darn it
Bill, you were
right....this
table DOES
come with the
apartment!”