986 - University of Surrey Students` Union

FREE
21/09/00
Issue no: 986
The Union
Trayscrape in
p4
p5-12
Gossip
p13
Freshers Arrive On Time
Sunday was the day that saw everything happen. From the first helpers arriving at 8.30am to
the last helpers leaving at about 5.30pm, the
University was awash with cars jam packed with
bags, boxes, and the odd suitcase or ten.
150 helpers throughout the day ensured that there
were few catastrophes, and many amusing stories to
take home with them. Those people who had walkietalkies will especially be aware of the term 'organised
chaos'. But it worked, and at least it didn't rain this
year. So 9 hours after it had all started, the adventure
was over. 1600 Students had arrived and then disappeared, to find a new home, and a new group of
friends.
Then came the Court receptions, the first years were
told how to avoid getting into trouble with their wardens (by keeping their cleaner happy) and were all
told that if you have this many people in youir kitchen
you are breaking the fire limit and having an illegal
party.
Above: Helpers packing one of the many luggage vans
Below: Surrey Court moving in team
And so on to the evenings entertainments. Sunday
night witnessed a tight performance by Trayscrape,
followed by Manchild who really got the crowd going.
It was just the sort of evening that was required after
such a hard day.
As the Freshers acclimatise to student life and the
weeks festivities come to a climax - considerable coverage has been given to the rising concerns over the
price of alcohol in the Students’ Union. After a week of
increasing publicity through a poster campaign and
creation of a website to promote their cause, a group
of students have been questioning this years increase
to the prices of soft drinks, beers and spirits.
The University of Surrey Students' Union would like to
thank all the helpers who made it so great, the members of the Christian Union for their help and support,
University Security for their directing abilities, Stage
Crew for their driving abilities, and all the Supervisors
for holding the day together. Cheers.
The Sabbs.
It is a tradition within the University that the first few
months of the new academic year bring a wealth of
questions over the changing prices at the bar and for
those involved in setting those prices, the added concern of running a self sustaining organisation. This
year, due to added pressures of Chancellors failing to
keep to its predicted running costs, the critical situation for both students and Union staff has reached its
peak.
PS Who did the yellow bag belong to?
Above: Helpers at Cathedral Court
Above: Freshers settling into their new home
Elections 2000/01
Well folks, it's that time of year where you can plaster
your face all around campus. Nominations for this
years Central Committee are now open and any
member of the Students' Union can enter the race to
be elected. The positions up for grabs are Women's
[email protected]
Snatch: Union
Beer Prices?
Officer, General Secretary, Ethical and Environmental
Officer, Campaigns Officer, Union Chairperson, and
Racial Equality Officer. So join up and get involved.
Nomination forms can be picked up from reception.
More details to follow shortly…
Elections start in week 5
News 1-3 n The Union 4, n Barearts 5 - 12
Over the last 18 months, the financial health of the
Students Union’s commercial activities (known as
Union Club) has deteriorated from making a yearly
profit to an enormous deficit that has threatened the
stability of the Union as a whole. The Union Club, run
by full-time members of departmental management
staff and supervised by a General Manager, is an
entirely separate sister organisation that runs in parallel to the activities of the sports clubs, societies, welfare and representation services. Within the Union
Club, there are several departments that run to supply
the commercial services that provide entertainment
and catering on a daily basis. continued on p.4
n Cookery 14 n Sport 20
2
News
Editorial
Vacant
this week, you’ve all been great.
This week we had a few articles
that we couldn’t cram in, so sorry
Ellen and Gemma your articles will
go in next week.
Music
Music Editor
Editor
Editorial Team
Owen Hazelby
Editor
Editor
Arts
Arts Editor
Editor
Kevin Marston
Chris Morton
Deputy
Deputy Editor
Editor
Sports
Sports Editor
Editor
Vacant
Dave Chapman
Production
Production Editor
Editor
Marketing
Marketing Team
Team
Andrew Thomas
Vacant
First of all a big hello to all the new
first years and I hope you have a
great time here at Surrey.
News
News Editor
Editor
Writers
Writers
Vacant
Luke Hickey, Fiona Wareham, James Buller
Lucy Andrews, Rich W, Andrew Thomas,
Chris Morton & Andrew Gale
Features
Features Editor
Editor
21/09/00
Well, its been a hectic week so far
with helping the freshers move in
on Sunday, all the introduction talks
and producing barefacts, which has
left me without much sleep. So if
you see me anywhere passed out
asleep just give me a gentle shake
to wake me up please.
Anyway, I am off to have some
sleep.
Kevin Marston
Barefacts Editor
As usual, thanks to all the writers
News In Brief
Back to Normal?
With the fuel chaos coming to an end and most drivers able to find sufficient petrol, the Government
have been given 60 days to move towards reducing
tax before the blockades are reformed. Should this
happen it is likely to continue close to, or even during,
the Christmas period. The Government have reacted
by suggesting that new laws may be introduced to
force oil firms to continue delivering petrol should the
situation arise again. Nation-wide polls have resulted
in strong support for the protesters, with support ranging from 80% to 95%. Meanwhile some opinion polls
have shown a support for the Conservatives higher
than for Labour for the first time in eight years.
Paula Yates Found Dead
Paula Yates, ex-wife of Bob Geldolf, has been found
dead in her West London flat by her four year old
daughter, Tiger Lily. The results of a post-mortem
have been inconclusive but the police are treating her
death as suspicious although they have confirmed
that there were no signs of violence. Some newspapers have speculated that she may have died due to
a drink and drugs overdose amid suggestions that
some prescribed pills, a vodka bottle and some heroin were found by her bedside.
News from Down-Under
Britain have had their most successful opening day for
16 years as Jason Queally completed a remarkable
journey from the brink of death four years ago to win
gold in the one kilometre time trial. Queally then
added silver as part of the British team pursuit, with
Yvonne McGregor taking bronze in the three kilometre individual pursuit to continue the impressive start
for the British cycling team. There has also been a
bronze medal won by Ian Peel in the clay pigeon
shooting and a silver for the British three day event
team.
More trouble at the Dome
It has been yet another problematic week for the
Millennium dome, with Japanese buyers Normara
pulling out, after discovering that detectives have
been called in to investigate allegations of fraud relating to the awarding of some of the contracts awarded
for work on the dome. The BBC have now stated that
they want to acquire the dome for nothing and turn it
into a museum of their programs. There has also
been a bid from a company called Legacy for £105
million, who plan to create a technology campus if
successful.
More Music Awards
Carlos Santana was the big winner at the first Latin
Grammy Awards in Los Angeles. Santana added to
his eight awards at February’s main Grammys with
three titles including ‘Record of the Year’ for Corazon
Espinado, a collaboration with Mexican rockers Mana.
Gloria Estifan walked off with ‘Best Video’ and husband Emilio won ‘Producer of the Year’. The ‘Best
New Artist’ award was won by 73 year old Ibrahim
Ferrer.
The Mercury Music award was also announced last
week and won by Badly Drawn Boy (a.k.a. Damon
Gough) for his album ‘The Hour of the Wilderbeast’.
More sex in Films
The British Board of Film Classification is to relax
what can be shown in 18-rated films. They will now
‘only rarely’ cut sections of films containing drug use,
extreme violence and explicit sex scenes.
And the Winner is?
Body-building bricklayer Craig Phillips narrowly beat
ex-nun Anna Nolan to win the Big Brother series and
scoop the prize of £70,000. He then immediately
gave the money away, pledging it to the charity set up
to send a Down’s Syndrome teenager to America to
have a heart and lung operation. The producers are
now set to release an uncensored video and book on
the series, containing previously unseen material from
the series. The show was seen to be a big enough
Bare Facts
Union House
University Of Surrey
Guildford
Surrey
GU2 7XH
Tel: 01483 879275
Fax: 01483 534749
email:
[email protected]
success to fuel suggestions that plans are in the
pipeline for a new series, possibly as soon as Spring
2001.
Jailbreak - week 1.
All ten prisoners have now completed the first of their
three week sentence behind bar and so far none have
managed to escape. However, they have discovered
how to escape from the first area, their dormitories but
internal bickering has thwarted any further progress
so far. Most of them have now been put on report at
least once, with Jenny, after breaking the rules three
times, having spent a night in solitary confinement.
By Luke Hickey
Cash in Churches
Country churches could soon boast cash machines if
a controversial proposal goes ahead. Officials of the
Church of England told the Sunday Telegraph that
they were thinking of installing ATM’s in their buildings. It would compensate for the closure of local
banks and post offices. They hope it will also revive
attendances of services and make churches the focal
point of communities as they once were.
“There is nothing wrong with money per se. After all
we make collections during services,” The Right
Reverend Graham James, Bishop of Norwich said. “It
is the way money is used that is moral or immoral.”
However many people have been horrified at the idea.
Former Conservative minister Lord St John of
Fawsley commented “It is an appalling idea, madness. The interiors of churches are sacred places. I
don’t mind them being used for appropriate events
such as concerts, but certainly not cash machines”.
Others against the plan have quoted passages from
the bible, telling how Jesus threw moneylenders out of
the temple.
Cocaine In Banks
Drug busts in Venezuela have become so successful
that the police have run out of places to store their
seizures. So on Thursday 130kilos of pure cocaine
© USSU Communications Office
2000
Bare Facts is an editorially independent newspaper, published by the University of Surrey Students'
Union Communications Office.
The views expressed within the
paper are those of individual
authors, and do not necessarily
represent the views of the Editor,
the Editorial Board, the University
of Surrey Students' Union or the
University of Surrey.
This publication may not be reproduced in whole or
in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed,
without the express permission of the publisher.
All submissions must include the author's name
and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no
guarantee of publication.
Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not
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Deadline for
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Monday 12pm
Submissions
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Printed by
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3
Letters
21/09/00
News In Brief Continued....
were deposited in the country’s Central Bank.
“Anti-narcotics police have storage areas but they’re
completely full, there is even drugs in the director’s
office,” said Javier Carrera, of the Public Prosecutor’s
office.
In Venezuela contraband must be stored until
inquiries have been completed. Seizures are up 70%
on last year due to an initiative backed by the US
Drug Enforcement Agency. There are now 17tons of
illegal substances to keep safe. 8.2 tons of that came
from a single haul made after a billion dollar, multinational investigation.
Officials hope the bank will only have to keep the drug
for a month before it can be destroyed.
Surrey Police Still Clouded By Sleaze
The second most senior officer of Surrey Police
remains on suspension this week amid sexual
harassment allegations. Ian Beckett, Surrey’s deputy
chief constable has just been cleared in court on four
counts of indecent assault against two women.
However he now faces disciplinary action over
charges made by three other females. All the women
once worked at the Guildford HQ of Surrey Police.
The investigation into Beckett, 54, was carried out
independently by Perry Nove of City of London
Police. He has been suspended from duty since
January 1999. After Beckett was acquitted last Friday
of the 4 criminal charges, a senior personnel committee decided to pursue those still outstanding via a tribunal. Surrey’s Chief Constable, Denis O’Connor,
said they were “more likely to be cases of sexual
harassment than sexual assault”.
FREE: Guildford Buses
A free circular bus route has been just been
launched in Guildford. The buses, sporting a circular
logo run from 8am-5pm daily, every 15 minutes and
call at:
- Bus Station (Commercial Road)
- Train Station (Walnut Tree Close)
- Lower High Street (White Lion Walk Shopping
Centre)
- Sydenham Road (Junction with Milkhouse Gate)
- Sydenham Road (Baker’s Yard)
- Epsom Road (Junction with High Street)
- Upper High Street (Royal Grammar School)
- North Street (Guildford Library)
- Lower North Street (Marks & Spencer).
Dear Barefacts,
I am writing to alert the students living on campus of a
thief in our midst.
During the night of Wednesday the 13th of September
someone got into Stag Hill 33 and stole all of our
freezer food and some food from the fridge. I am
informed that House 37 suffered the same occurrence.
Although I realise that there is nothing we can do to
retrieve our food I would like to warn others to keep
windows on security chains or shut, vet who enters
your house and keep the front door shut. I personally
hate the hostile environment produced by pad-locking
food cupboards but bear in mind that not everyone is
as honest as you might like to think.
Finally, I would like to appeal to the thief’s conscience,
this has caused me and my house mates not only
financial loss but also some level of distress. Eat our
food, I hope it chokes you especially as my fellow
microbiology house mate had been growing E.coli cultures in hers!
Gill Bennett (final year)
The Union
Dear Barefacts,
Having read last week’s Barefacts, I would firstly like
to complement you on keeping up the interest and
quality level of the beloved student paper – being a
Surrey graduate who still lives in Guildford it’s great to
keep in touch with what’s going on.
Since Freshers are about to arrive, I’d like to point out
that if they feel:
that they are a bit strapped for cash
Andrew Thomas
In the past week a campaign has begun to challenge
the Student Union beer prices after they were raised
at the start of this semester. Students have seen
posters placed all over campus comparing Union beer
prices with those of other universities and pubs in the
area. In all cases sited the prices were significantly
higher at USSU. Most students have also received an
e-mail containing similar information. There are now
petitions in place in every student hall reception, which
the posters and e-mails have urged people to sign. A
quick glance at one of them reveals the scale of angry
Surrey students having to pay for USSU prices, with
hundreds signing it within the last few days. Bare Facts
will report on further developments as and when they
happen.
The scheme is part of the Local Transport Strategy
promoted jointly by Guildford Borough Council and
Surrey County Council. It will initially run for a trial
period of six months.
by James Buller
Your Letters
Theft
Students Rebel Against “Rip Off
Surrey”
that they need extra cash to buy copious amounts of
alcohol every evening…sorry I meant Robinson’s or
Ribena (just in case worried mums or dads are reading this)
that they need more money, to splash out on potential
girlfriends/boyfriends (OK, I know that’s 100% unlikely, particularly because most dinner dates usually
seem to take place in McDonalds, or at best
Wetherspoons.
They needn’t worry at all – Guildford always has plenty of jobs available, particularly in retail outlets in the
town center, so no one needs to believe that they
have to end up in a grease pit.
Having been greatly involved in various societies, and
being a former part time union official and minibus driver and blah, blah, blah……. I can strongly urge
everyone arriving at UniS, and current students too, to
participate in as many activities as possible during
their time here in Guildford. It certainly is a fantastic
way of meeting people and making friends, and if you
end up being voted onto a committee (e.g. as a president or treasurer), this always looks good to potential
employers when they look through your CV.
I was very interested to read that the 34th
Management Studies (CDDC) ball is going to be 60
quid this year ( and that, Mr Gale, is even without a
free funfair or temporary tattoo!). Last year, we only
paid 50 quid for a lovely evening at the Royal Garden
Hotel, and I don’t believe a 20% increase in cost is
very fair to the average, poor student. Oh, but the
coach travel manages to remain (again) at the same
price of a very reasonable fiver?! But beware, judging
by the current fuel crisis the coach ticket may cost as
much as the actual ball ticket by the time of the ball at
the end of January!
As for the prices of beer…..well, if you’re not from
down South, it may be rather shocking, but you’ll get
used to it. If you’re from London or Surrey, you should
bloody know by now that Guildford is an expensive
place to live. Besides, for the girls, there’s always the
‘bottle bank’ at the Union. And the lads should probably venture onto Guildford’s strip (better known as
Bridge Street), with Bar Med, Yate’s, Wetherspoons,
Edwards, Bar Mambo and The Drink. It’s only a short
stroll away, unless you’re on the ‘wrong’* side of campus.
(*) It’s the right side of campus, however, if you’re:
a fitness fanatic
a sporting hero
a musician
a dance student
someone who loves shopping at Tescos
And two final points (finally)….firstly, why was there no
mention of the infamous SHAG HILL (or SLAG HILL)
in the list of Surrey Slang (i.e. Stag Hill Court –just in
case you’re a bit dense)
Secondly, (and sorry in advance to Mr Editor) – Lucy
Andrews: “single-aargh!” – I don’t believe it! But it’s a
lovely thought if it’s true, and I shall definitely be
attempting to work out those measurements for you
lads in the very near future whatever it takes!
Yours,
Richard Perugi, H+C graduate, Class of 2000
In response to last week letters please see the front
page article and page 4. -ed
be heard
4
The Bars & Catering department, responsible for the
day-to-day management of the Union bars and food
outlets, has experienced financial troubles for a variety of reasons. Due to over expenditure, management
and staffing problems in Chancellors over the last 18
months, this deficit has been worsened. This, coupled
with the increased overhead (i.e. rise in minimum
wage to part-time student staff) and supplier costs
have contributed to the current problems.
The financial situation facing Union Club was first publicly recognised in Barefacts (edition 979 - 2nd March
2000) where it was reported that Chancellors staffing
costs had begun to soar as far back as November
1999. The unprofitability of the outlet was reported
and linked to lack of communication within the Club
and serious management problems both on the bar
floor and at a senior level. By the time advertisements
were placed to recruit a new Bars & Catering
Operations Manager (November), the Union Club
senior management was aware that a problem had
arisen and would worsen with the continual employment of agency chefs at great expense. The full implications of this period of mismanagement were not
made available to the Students’ Union and sabbatical
team as a whole until the Finance & Services Meeting
on the 15th February 2000, almost 4 months later.
Immediately, on the advice of the new Bars & Catering
The Union
management, strict cut backs were put in place. This
included implicit student staff cuts when absent staff
were not covered and those who left were not
replaced. Further changes regarding Chancellors food
serving times, portion and stock control were initiated
to force the department back towards its budgeting
lines.
These changes were not well received by student staff
and it was made clear that staff recruitment levels had
been allowed to escalate out of control and without
changes the costs over the bar would have to dramatically increase.
As the summer closed in, Union catering in general
was addressed along with other areas of over-expenditure within the Union Club. As the financial reports
for the year were drawn up, it became clear the Union
Club faced a deficit in excess of £175,000. This was
a situation that was unacceptable to the Students
Union and the mismanagement of the Union Club
threatened the stability of the Union both politically
and financially.
It would appear the current increase in beer prices
within the Union Club is partly a reflection of this deficit
and can also be attributed to taming the aforementioned overheads. The only sources of income the
Union Club has come through its door takings, catering sales and outsourcing of commercial space.
As the new academic year gets underway and the
prices within Union Club come under the spotlight, the
main question on students’ lips seems to be what the
future of the commercial services will be - and how a
long term solution to the financial situation will eventually lead to a reduction in prices across the board.
Whilst the week is almost drawing to a close we still
have some marvellous events for you all to enjoy!
Check out our weekly market every Thursday in the
main Union where you will find stall holders selling you
everything from bananas to batteries! Come to the
main Union tonight (Thurs) and be part of the biggest
pub quiz this side of the....well..um....the main Union.
Entry is only £1 and teams should have between 4
and 6 members, arriving at 7.30 for an 8pm start.
Prizes range from T-shirts and complimentary meals
and tickets to large sums of cash! If this isn’t your cup
of tea then OFU (Oscar Film Unit) will be showing
South Park the Movie in the Lecture Theatres. If we
still haven’t tickled your fancy then come and give
GMas (Good Music appreciation society) a go in the
Helyn Rose Bar from 9pm ‘till 2am. If you’re still not
satisfied then a HRB Express Jumbo sausage may
just do the trick!
Sabbatical Team. Until we complete negotiations to
find a long term solution to the financial problems of
the Club, we unfortunately have to ensure our stability as an organisation - otherwise, in the long term, our
sports clubs, societies, representation and entertainment will suffer.’
In a recently called ‘emergency managers meeting’,
the President stressed the importance of unity and
collective understanding of the problems being faced
by the students. The management has the responsibility to make sure that these issues are addressed
swiftly and with purpose. The Sabbatical Officers have
already taken on a more influential role in the Club to
reiterate the ethos of the Students’ Union, ensuring
that the future of the Union Club will only serve to benefit the students.
The elected Sabbatical Officers have taken the
responsibility of the Club into their hands for the time
being, working with the managers to ensure that the
wishes of the current campaigners are heard and
acted upon as part of a long term solution.
As far as the bar prices are concerned, it seems that
the Students’ Union is keen to make sure that any cut
in costs can be sustained, not dropped and reintroduced.
Student Council, the governing body of the Students’
Union, presents a forum through which Union Policy is
discussed. The issue of Union Club and bar pricing
will be addressed at the next meeting (12th October,
1pm Union Dance floor) at which two Union managers
have been requested to be available for questioning.
If you are unable to attend or wish to discuss matters
further, the Sabbatical Team can be found in the Union
Offices. FW & LA
In response to the campaign, Fiona Wareham (Union
President) agreed: ‘The price across the bars and the
future of Union Club is the top priority of the
Friday is, of course, Freshers’ Fayre! The Union will
be full of fun, frolics and freebies so make sure you
pop in between 10am and 4pm and find out about all
the many opportunities we can offer you during your
time at University. Don’t forget about the Sports Fayre
happening at the same time held at UniSport.
Although traditionally named ‘Freshers’ Fayre’ our
event is open to all members from all years. Friday
night’s entertainments boasts FNO (Friday Night Out)
USSU’s most infamous and successful event, this
week featuring multiple chart toppers B*Witched! Also
in the Helyn Rose Bar (HRB) you can experience a
preview of our all new radio station GU2, 1350am.
Tiger Beer will be on sale all night as just one of the
products lined up for our 3 - 4 - 5 (that’s three bottles
for a fiver) promotion that will be running in the Union
in forthcoming weeks.
So, Freshers’ week is nearly over, how was it for you?
( A million thanks go out again to all the fantastic intro
week helpers...don’t forget to come and pick up your
cash next week, as if!)
21/09/00
Looking a bit further into the future will reveal a host of
live acts, DJs and general Wacky Wednesday frivolities. Next week sees the return of student band
Rubber Soul to the main stage on Wednesday and
Radio 1 DJ, Steve Lamacq, on Friday. In the weeks
following look out for: Daphne and Celeste ( of
U.G.L.Y fame!), Ministry of Sound materclass featuring CJ Mackintosh and Paul Dakeyne, Chicane and
keep you eyes peeled for our spoof ‘Big Bro.’ tribute
‘Little Sister’ more details to be revealed shortly.
As the Surrey veterans are already aware, Cinderellas
night club in town, hosts their most popular night of the
week on Mondays where you will find many a cheese
loving bopper dancing away to their favourite 80s
tunes. To add a further dimension to this already
buzzing evening USSU will be presenting the weekly
7.30 - 10pm ‘Cindy’s Warm-Up Party’ in the Helyn
Rose Bar starting in week five. Entry is free and we
will even throw in a free minibus ride to the club and
back.
We are constantly on the look out for student input and
feed back regarding USSU events - if you feel that you
have something to offer then come and speak to the
Sabbatical Officers, the Events Manager or pop along
to the next meeting of the Culture and Events
Committee, Mon 9th Oct 5pm, Grant Mitchell rm. Students’ Union.
Look forward to seeing you all out and about. FW & LA
Trayscrape
Welcome
The Freshers
This Week: Freshers Sunday Night Review,
CD Reviews,
OFU,
& A Short Story
6
Bare Arts
21/09/00
OFU, bigger louder and uncut!
Greetings all, freshers or not, and welcome to the start of what promises to
be an eventful year at OFU. We are
the on-campus film society and this
year we shall be exhibiting films in
Lecture Theatre G on Sunday, Monday
and Thursday evenings.
However, this Thursday (the 21st), we
shall be making an exception to this
rule (and several others: see
“Important Information for some important information), and projecting “South
Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut” onto the
side of the EIHMS building (for all you
freshers, that’s
the bizarre Titanic-shaped thing jutting
out of the side of the hill. You can’t
miss it, because it cost millions to build
and if you can’t identify it after the first
ten days, you’ll be shot by Security for
not trying hard enough. Word up.)
Fascists aside, this film is going to be
PARTICULARLY spoony, for not only is
it completely and utterly FREE, but
you’ll also have the opportunity to get
beered up in Chancellors and the other
wonderful Union clubs before, during,
and even after the film. Like the elite
group that you are.
”South Park” is the greatest comedic
achievement of the last century, drawing on the finest traditions of American
and European satire and balling it all
into a movie which really has a message for the kids, inundated with scurrilous anti-Canadian propaganda as it
may be. A most splendid time is guar-
anteed for all.
It shall be followed swift as an rich man
passing through a camel by Sunday’s
film, back in Lecture Theatre G but still
free, “The Matrix”. This should need no
introduction, but here’s one anyway:
the film is a frenetic and wild-eyed
blast of high-speed visuals, pounding
soundtrack, and a plot which veers
intimidating close to genuine profundity.
Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Ann Moss, and
Lawrence Fishburne head up the cast.
Crumpet for all...
And the VERY NEXT DAY - Monday
the 25 th - we shall be dragging our
carcasses out of bed by 8pm yet again,
to bring you the superb Will
Smith/Gene Hackman film, “Enemy Of
The State”. This one slept a bit at the
box office, but it’s a real corker and
you’re advised not to miss it, particularly if you have a grudge against the
Man.
And if you’ve been here a week and
you haven’t got a grudge against the
Man... well...
PLEASE NOTE: IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT OFU FILMS FOLLOWS!
In order to get into any of the films we
show, we require that you are a
Member. Membership for four years
costs one pound. Membership is
restricted to members of the University
because we are a society of the USSU, and
not a licensed Cinema.
Once you are a member, you have the
choice of a season ticket, which admits you to
all OFU films this
semester for only GBP
10.00, a five-film pass,
which admits you to any
5 OFU films for GBP
7.50, or purchasing a
pass for a single film,
which costs GBP 2.50.
As a member of OFU,
you will also get discounted entry to Arts
Cinema films. The Arts
Cinema is run in conjunction with the
University Arts
Committee, and these
films - listed separately
on our posters - are
open to the general
public as well as members of the University.
Prices for admission to
Arts Cinema are as follows: GBP 3.00 for
members of the
public, GBP 2.50 for concessions, and
GBP 2.00 for members of OFU.
Mr James Dibley
Secretary,
Oscar Film Unit
www.ofu.org.uk
—
USSU Elections
for Exec & Central Members
Week 5
Bare Arts
21/09/00
Singles
McCLUSKY – Rice is Nice (Fuzzbox
Records)
A loud raucous 65-second explosion
that is sure to blow anyone’s mind away.
They claim to be the loudest three-piece
around and this single will do nothing to
dispel such claims and will have
American pop-punk pretenders crying
for their mums. Punk at its most raw, be
ready to be blown away. 8/10 S.R.
MOHOBISHOPI - Drop Jaw (V2)
Quirky indie rock which belongs in the
same class as The Wannadies,
although they’d get As where as
Mohobishopi are definitely C+ with a
“good effort” comment on the bottom.
The b-sides are gloriously energetic and
ramshackle. 7/10 A.T.
YOMANDA - On The Level
(Manifesto)
It’s an Ibiza anthem. We have a trance
beat, a repetitive synth hook, and a continuous build up/break down pattern for
all of three minutes. In a club, 2am, big
lights, shuddering bass, yes. In your
bedroom, no. 7/10 A.T.
STROKE 9 - Nasty Little Thoughts
(Island)
An American college band that sounds
like a cross between Weezer and the
Counting Crows - slow and melodic
songs mingled with catchy rock pieces.
Not bad for a debut album - the press
release claims that these guys have
sold ‘well over 250 000 copies in their
native US’...though success in the US
doesn’t necessarily mean success here!
7/10 O.C.
RED VENOM - Follow Me (All Around
The World)
‘Follow Me’ is an interesting little track.
Rap over happy charty backing music
with rather gospel like interludes. The
gospel-esque parts are definitely the
best bit of the track. The B side is a
slower violin accompanied track, about
the usual ‘I came from a bad neighbourhood with drug dealers etc… 7/10 E.C.
MANCHILD - The Cliches Are True
(One Little Indian)
From what I’ve heard of this groups earlier songs, they sound very ‘Propeller
Head’ with a touch of ‘The Prodigy’
mixed in. This track is a happy, jumpy
little pop number, the sort of song you
find yourself dancing to involuntarily.
7/10 E.C.
LLAMA FARMERS – Snow White
(Beggars Banquet)
Indie popsters return to the fray with single ‘Snow White’ which combines a mix
of melodic pop hooks and searing
jagged guitars. This single although
offering nothing new offers a good foot
tapping sing along. B-side ‘Certain
Square’ offers more scintillating guitar
riffs and ‘Wez’ subdues matters to bring
everything to an emotional end. 7/10
S.R.
COUSTEAU – Last Good Day of the
Year (palm Pictures)
The perfect song for that long summers
day lounging in the sun. Costeau com-
Recommended
THE SMASHING PUMPKINS - Try, Try, Try (Virgin)
The Intro sounds worryingly
upbeat, but any fears are
quickly quashed by the
Pumpkins
traditionally
melancholy vocals. I see
nothing particularly special
about the track, just the normal ‘music to be depressed
to’ type song that fans will
be used to. Even so, ‘Try,
Try, Try is still a good song.
8/10 E.C.
Albums
CUT LA ROC - LA Roc Rocs (Skint)
Cut La Roc hits the airwaves with his unnatural yet
settling skint music mixing hip hop with the outer
reaches of big beat. His turn on the world encompases the scratches of the Bronx with the tweaks
of the 80’s. Evendashes of ambience splice
through the inner fabric on ones consciousness.
7/10 K.M.
BUFFALO TOM - A Sides From Buffalo Tom
(Beggars Banquet)
This compilation brings together all the highlights
of Buffalo Tom to date, reminding us of what was,
and has remained so special about them - classic
song writing that flows from melancholy to exhilarating melody without ever lapsing into formula.
The collection includes gems like ‘Tailights Fade’,
‘Birdbrain’ and the cover of the Jam’s ‘Going
Underground’ that got them into the top 10 last
year. If you don’t own any Buffalo Tom albums but
want to find out about the “the best band in the
world” (Melody Maker), get hold of this album!
7/10 O.C.
Single of the week
MODJO - Lady (Hear Me
Tonight)
French production duo
Modjo have combined all the
right ingredients to make
this a club classic: smooth
grooves, catchy basslines
and funky guitar chords... a
hit! 9/10 J.H.
bine the easy listening melodies of
Louis Armstrong and Divine Comedy
and throw in a trumpet solo to match
that on ‘All the Time in the World’ to
make a very listenable single. B-sides
‘Captain swing’ and ‘Rachael Lately’ do
nothing to change this mood which for
some could end in sleep. 6/10 S.R.
BON JOVI - Say it isn’t so (Mercury)
This is the second single from the
album ‘Crush’ and is not as rocky as
the first single ‘it’s my life’. Nonetheless
it still appeals with its catchy chorus
lines and funky beat. I still can’t help
thinking Bon Jovi could write better
songs though. 6/10 N.M
MARK KNOPFLER - What it is
(Mercury)
Fans will be reassured to know that the
former Dire Straits frontman and hallowed guitar picker is sticking to his diet
of shuffling blues-rock. This time
there’s a lone fiddle on top for that
authentic folky touch, but even this song
is unlikely to impress any Knopfler fans.
5/10 N.M
WEEN - Even If You Don’t
(Mushroom)
Weezer meets Teenage Fanclub,
there’s little here to catch your attention.
There’s certainly nothing wrong with it
but the second it finishes you forget
what it sounded like. Good video though
(included on the cd). 5/10 A.T.
3” PORN STARS - Rockit Fuel (Grand
Royal)
Big beat, dance music without the continuous 4/4 beat and with a sense of
humour. 3” Porn Stars seem unaware
SONIQUE - Hear My Cry
Sonique’s album is riding on the success of the
three singles from it; ‘It feels so good’; ‘I put a spell
on you’; and the now top ten ‘Sky’, all of which are
decent, catchy songs (even if ‘I put a spell on you’
doesn’t have the spine tingling effect of the original). Apart from ‘Drama’ and ‘Empty’ with a good
stories, its mostly pop in a box songs on love and
universal suffering. So in democratic fairness I
asked new first years what they thought, result it’s hit (add the ‘a’ if you helped it up the chart).
6/10 O.C.
PHOTEK - Solaris (Science)
Photek have emerged with their third album
‘Solaris’ which is far removed from their drum n’
bass beats, in fact only one track, ‘infinity’ could
be classed as drum n’ bass. The vocal talents of
Robert Owens are used on the tracks ‘Mine to
Give’ and ‘Can’t come down’, both of which are
the better tracks on the album. ‘Solaris’ is a
diverse album, ranging from dark breaks to
inspired beats but will only appeal to real fans of
this genre and is not strong enough to gain commercial success. 5/10 N.M
7
that Fatboy Slim exists, or that even an
also-ran such as Scanty Sandwich
piledrives this into the dirt whilst grinning ironically. 3/10 A.T.
V TWIN - Delinquency (Domino)
What V Twin lack in songwriting ability
they claw back through sheer daftness.
Taking the whole sound of “People
Wake Up” and adding a 303 bassline
the vocals come on like they were
stolen from early Primal Scream singles. Awkward and not really very good.
3/10 A.T.
SISQUO - Unleash The Dragon (Def
Soul)
Another great tune from Sisquo.
Currently the single is making its way up
the charts, and will remain there until
the year 3000. At Least. 3/10 J.H.
VANESSA AMOROSI - Absolutely
Everybody (Universal)
Take one Britney clone (who actually
looks more like an all American Martine
Mcutchin), strap her to a false Spanish
fiesta melody, bolt on a flat dance beat,
and repeat over and over the title
between such lyrical gems as “everybody breathes, everybody needs,
absolutely everybody”. To add insult to
injury the interactive cd rom element
has a whole gallery of pictures of
Vanessa posing on a push scooter (you
know the ones, seventy quid from
Woolworths with a free limb severing
feature), she’s that “down” with the
“kids”. 2/10 A.T.
Album of the week
BJORK - Selmasongs (One Little
Indian)
The soundtrack to Dancer In The
Dark, the film that won so much critical acclaim in the Cannes film festival is a bit bewildering: there is quite
a bit of clanking ang clunking going
on, and at times it seems like the
Icelandic Pixie is just having a laugh
in the studio, but one soon forgets all
of this when she gets down to producing what she does best: pure
melody. The only downside to the
album is that at only seven tracks
long, one can’t help but want more.
7/10 J.H
This weeks reviews are brought to you by: James Hemmingway, Kevin
Marston, Oliver Chamera, Nigel Martin, Andrew Thomas, Simon Robinson, and
Emma Clarke.
8
Bare Arts
Shock
Cock
Rock!
Rubbed up!
Brassy @ The LA2, 9th September
The Fighting Cocks @ Camden HQ Club, 15th September
The first thing you hear is the hiss of ropy old vinyl in it’s deathrows, a jumble sale
quality record of brass band set pieces. Then the beats come, and three acid trip
pantomime fairies shuffle onto the stage and half sing/half bawl their way through
‘Love Somebody, Yes I Do’ - sort of like Steps remixed by Alec Empire. Then it
gets more aggressive and a man not looking dissimilar to Mr C from The Shaman
comes out from the shadows and throttles his guitar as if he was wrestling a particularly agitated python. White noise and hissy breakbeats cloud the atmosphere
as the girls give up singing and just let rip in a fitting primal scream. “That was
‘Come On You C***ts’”, the fairy with pink dreadlocks says sweetly afterwards. The
set continues in a similar vein, picking up samples of everything from Arabic snake
charming music to ‘Pinky and the Brain’ along the way. Simultaneously the most
exciting and the most hideous sound created for years. Excellent. Andrew
Thomas
The Kids Are
Alright!
Manchild/Trayscrape
@ Surrey Union,
17th September 2000
As freshers explore the Union for
the first time what better way for
them to be introduced to it than by
Trayscrape. “Hi, we’re Trayscrape
and we hope you have a really
good time here”, vocalist Samad
calls to the crowd, just before the
drums kick in and he follows up
with “GAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!”. Trayscrape are rock incarnate, a band following in the
heavy footsteps of Limp Bizkit
and Rage Against The Machine.
Some newcomers look scared
and run away, but many stay and
obligingly bang their heads to the
floor shuddering bass, distressed
guitar, slick scratching, and
brashly delivered vocals. The
effect is somewhat spoilt by what
amounts to using the band as a
PA for Union events in the coming
week, but Trayscrape are still
‘keeping it real’ and annoying as
many people as they inspire. A
sign of a truly great band!
21/09/00
It’s not so much that Brassy songs all sound the same but that we endure them for
twice as long as even they’d like us to. Brassy are playing in the “intimate” confines
of the Astoria’s second room to their great and good, a free entry show for those
on the mailing list. The gig is for a Japanese music show which needs over an
hour’s footage, tough going for a band who’s album spans just 43 minutes (and 17
songs). The drawl of lead singer Muffin (comparable only to those waitresses in
American road movies) calls out over the punchy funk basslines and choppy guitar. Occasionally the drummer stops his hiphop beats and scratches eighties loops
out of the strategically placed decks, but it seems like a gimmick rather than an
actual enhancement. There are highlights though, the punky ramraid of ‘Good
Times’ plus the down and dirty lollop of ‘I Can’t Wait’. It’s just a shame that for every
good track there seem to be three or four others featuring derivatives of it. When
they disappear into a ten minute breakdown followed by a Muffin only rap name
checking everyone she knows it’s time to move on. Andrew Thomas
Hair Raising!
Gel/Sugar Coma/Venus In Furs @ Kings X Waterats, 9th
September
Venus In Furs are a blast of “glitter and sparkles” from Darlington, a two boy two
girl powerpunkpop explosion complete with northern wit and sly smiles. Musically
bearing more than a passing resemblance to Kenickie the teenage foursome stake
their claim in the future of rock n’ roll. Unfortunately the audience aren’t particularly interested. The audience are interested very much in the now of bona fide
RAWK! They are here for Sugar Coma, three girls and a boy with enough angst
and pain to blow away recent memories of their GCSE exams. Some people might
call them ‘neu metal’, it being blatantly obvious their year zero was probably
‘Follow The Leader’, and that their recent success is a result of the confusion of
modern day adolescence. The cynics might point out they’ve only got this far
because they sound like Kittie. Which they do. Little of their set comes close to
originality but when you limit yourself to the bottom three notes on your guitar what
do you expect. Gel are punkpop, the last generation. A band who will forever be
linked to 1997/8, “bratpop”, and a constant diet of pogo friendly powerchord punk
tunes before everyone detuned their e string. They smile, they bounce, lead singer
John (19 going on 12) makes the girls scream and even attempts to rap on one of
the few new songs, which he profusely apologises for afterwards. The encore
comes with a suitably punky take on ‘Eternal Flame’, a song which most of Sugar
Coma’s audience can’t even remember. Andrew Thomas
Manchild
Manchild on the other hand couldn’t be more different. Out goes the low dirty bass
and wall of noise guitar and in comes some squelchy electronic backing and an
inoffensive strumming. The frontman raps and calls to the crowd as his mate
unconvincingly breakdances next to him and the techy guys hide at the back with
the drummer. Attempting to cross dance music with rock only very rarely works and
this case they almost manage it a few times. The problem is that it is hard to know
what to do. Is this a band to dance to FNO style, or are we supposed to bounce
and clap? Some people seem to like it but the frontman seems a little unconvinced
by the lack of cheering at the end of songs. Still, given some more time (and perhaps billing on a more suitable night?) Manchild could still be looking to dent, oh,
at least the top 75. Andrew Thomas
Future Sunday Night Live Bands are N.A.S.H, L.S.K, Attica
Blues, Mushtaq, & Others.
Come down and support some of the newest talent in the
music scene with bands varying from Indie - Garage - Big Beat
- R ‘n’ B artists
21/09/00
The First Year...
By the time you read this article, you
will probably be sick to death of freshers’ magazines and leaflets which
ceaselessly regurgitate those old cliches about students not being able to
cook, drinking like fishes, and having
so much sex that their nobs shrivel up
like pickled gherkins. These subjects
are the themes of millions of articles
that appear in student newspapers at
this time of year, so I felt it my duty to
concentrate on some of the slightly
more important aspects of life as a first
year.
By now you may well have fallen into
the ritual of going to the Union and
then ending up back in someone’s
kitchen, eating toast and drinking coffee. This can be quite a test of your
conversational ability, but you can limp
by in the first week with those old
chestnuts: “Where do you come
from?”, “What A levels did you do?”,
and “Have you got a boyfriend back
home?”. By the second week, though,
this cop-out small talk is all a bit
tedious and something else is needed
to break the embarrassing silences.
This is when “Kitchen Olympics” can
save the day: any kitchen object that
vaguely resembles an item of sporting
equipment can be pressed into action
in an attempt to recreate the ancient
Greek games in a Twyford Court KUB.
Saucepan lids are good for trying your
hand at the discus, and frying pans
make good tennis rackets, with washing-up sponges replacing the ball.
Tables turned on their sides double as
hurdles, and a big pile of cornflakes on
the floor makes a good longjump land-
9
Bare Arts
ing pit. If you have a chest freezer in
your kitchen, then “see how many people you can fit in a freezer” is another
good sport, though sadly lacking in the
modern Olympics.
An issue that you will have to tackle as
a fresher is registration with the health
service, and a precautionary tale might
be of use here. Registration itself isn’t
a problem - it is the little plastic pot that
they ask you to take away and fill with
urine that causes hassle. Well, it
caused me hassle, anyway. I had never
consumed so much alcohol in my life
as I did during freshers’ week, and I
was terrified of providing a sample in
case they returned it with a note saying: “Excuse me, but you seem to have
supplied us with a pot of neat vodka by
mistake.” Also, the large quantity of
alcohol in my veins meant that the
chance of me being able to wee with
sufficient precision to hit the mouth of
the pot were nil. I toyed with the idea of
filling it with diluted apple juice, but in
the end I waited until I felt sufficiently
sober to fill it. Since I had already gone
a week without a nurse knocking on my
door and demanding that I hand over
my piss forthwith, I placed the pot on
my windowsill and forgot about it. I forgot about it so long, in fact, that a white
precipitate formed at the bottom, turning the pot into one of those snowstorm
toys. Still, it made a nice Christmas
present for my little brother.
Practical jokes are a feature of campus
life that freshers pick up alarmingly
quickly. Waterchairs are a common
prank, where a plastic kitchen chair is
leant
The obvious gag when someone is stupid enough to leave you their key is to
turn everything upside down or reconstruct their bedroom in the kitchen.
With one particular floormate, however, we hesitated before selecting this option. Probably
because we all fancied this girl,
we went for the much gentler
option of filling her room with
balloons. Not desperately
funny, I admit, but we
thought it would be quite a
laugh if we could completely
fill it. Chock full. Right up to
the ceiling. With our goal
set, a team of six of us settled in front of the TV with a
few cans and sat blowing balloons for three hours solid.
You would not believe how
many sodding balloons are
needed to fill a Surrey Court bedroom. One hundred? Two hundred?
Three hundred? Nope. Several sodding thousand, it turns out. After our
mammoth blowing up session we had
just enough balloons to provide a
pathetic one-balloon deep covering in
the room. We were bitterly disappointed, but were cheered up immensely
when we realised that popping the balloons had the unintentional side effect
of spreading a thin film of beer-fragranced-dribble across her room.
...And
How To
Survive
It!
against
a bedroom door
with some water in
the seat. When the inhabitant opens the door, the
chair falls towards them,
drenching their fifty-quid Nikes.
Another joke, which causes a
good deal of upset with the minimum of effort is to blow cress
seeds under the door with a hairdryer when someone goes away for the
weekend. With frequent watering,
campus carpets make ideal growing
mediums, and by the end of the weekend your housemate will have a nice
garnish for their cheese sandwiches.
My floormates had the custom of leaving their keys with another resident
when going away for the weekend, so
that friends could borrow their room.
Ah, heady days. Your carefree days as
a fresher are far too short to be worried
about cooking, drinking, and [not] having sex. And being a boring studious
fart is a job for the final years, so make
sure you take the time to enjoy the
finer elements of campus life. Andy
Gale
10
BareFiction
Review of A Clockwork Orange
by Anthony Burgess
The first thing that strikes you about this
book is the difficulty in understanding
Burgess’ prose (a queer mix of
Cockney slang) although, once adjusted to, a deeper scene is painted by the
complex language.
The story concerns the young incendiary Alex and his escapades of violence,
drug taking, and increasing conceitedness as he drinks drencrome at the milk
bar before a night of high violence.
Once the tables have turned on Alex,
however, the whole thing becomes a lot
more interesting where the society that
Alex has been abusing exerts its
revenge.
Themes involving a controlling society,
the stage of growing up, and the thin
line between madness and sanity, “A
Clockwork Orange” brings together the
problems with both the teenage and
adult worlds where an avoidance of a
depressing reality can be taken to the
extreme.
As highlighted by the success of the
film of the book, this is a story that could
be set in any time period.
In many ways though the book is better
than the film, a deeper understanding of
Alex’ world is portrayed within the text
and the use of set pieces is masterful.
Bare Arts
A great main character, cynical to the
end, is the perfect person to set off on
this adventure with. The less interesting
background story, which involves a
three-way relationship, works well in
providing the necessary distractions.
Cool light reading, very hard to put
down.
Review of Tenterhooks
by Suzannah Dunn
Slacking off on your Biology field trip,
accepting the situation of a broken
home, telling your mum that you’re
going on the pill, emigrating to a desolate Spanish village, spying on the
neighbours’ intriguing housekeeper,
breaking up with your lover, and talking
to the ghost of your once so lively and
eccentric uncle.
This is the environment to the absorbing world that Suzannah Dunn reveals
in this beautifully written collection of
short stories. Dunn’s contemporary
prose is wonderfully poetic, yet easily
accepted.
One of those rare books to capture you,
make you understand and spin you
round before throwing you back into the
reality of your own troubled life.
A great introduction to one of the most
important writers around at the
moment.
Poetry Corner
Girl at the Bus Stop
The narrative of a frightened lunatic
which is alarmingly realistic. By all
accounts a classic.
Review of Are You Experienced
by William Sutcliffe
One of the best travelling books doesn’t
get to the travelling part for quite a
while, but instead sets the scene and
builds the characters so you know them
and are with them when they set off.
This way the underlying theme of “that
year off abroad” is more freely explored
once it gets going.
Why are all these students travelling?
Where do they all get their money
from? Do they really find themselves?
Do those who tell you they know it all
really know it all?
Nothing to look at any more
Unless you feel like a good time
Past experience leads to this
Guaranteed to last for longer
Once the fancy of the town
She took advantage of her age
Forgot their names, forgot the mess
As they forgot her
And the past triumphs are all she has
to hold onto
‘Cause now she has to settle for
something less
Those days of old were once so
tough
Those small regrets are not important
If you want to write any poetry or for that
matter anything else for bare arts then
please contact Chris Morton at
[email protected].
21/09/00
Bare Arts
21/09/00
A SHORT STORY
It was just like any other night; we’d gone down
the pub straight from work. Everyone had had a
shit day and we were all acting really laddish,
downing pints at the bar, determined to get really
pissed and have a good night. I usually hate that
kind of shit, I would always take the piss out of all
the beer tossers with their “Lager, lager, get
pissed, yeah,” but this time I guess I was one of
them. I’d gone down with Bradby, Dave and Graz
and we’d bumped into some of Dave’s mates who
were all beer tossers. For once it was the kind of
break I’d needed. I was so pissed: To me the pub
was like one of those weird movies with fancy
camera work; everyone kept appearing in front of
me and then disappearing again. Parts of conversations came and went.
I was just considering the next pint when I noticed this
group of girls, sitting on the table opposite us, who
were obviously talking about me. One of them kept
looking over and then she’d turn back to her friends
and they’d all start looking at me and laughing.
It wasn’t long before Bradby saw what was going on.
He was really pissed too; he kept leaning towards me
saying “Go on, get in there,” and then falling back on
the bar again. Graz started saying that I should go
over and talk to them because “Fuck it, it’s worth a try.”
I began to realise that he was right and suddenly started to get nervous, butterflies in my stomach and all
that. I knew that I should make a move, I knew that I’d
regret it the next day if I didn’t but the inertia had hit in.
I guess it was the risk of humiliation and rejection. I
started saying that I couldn’t be bothered and that it
wasn’t worth it but the others didn’t pay any attention
and continued egging it on. I remember wanting to
stay at the bar in the comfort of my own social group
but they were becoming less of a comfort.
I began thinking “Why should I have to make the fist
move? If she’s interested she’ll come over to us.” The
thing is, I don’t see why it’s the bloke who always has
to do the chatting up. I mean it would be a lot easier if
girls did. Blokes are far too inactive; everyone would
be a lot happier if it was the other way round. But there
again sometimes it was better to be male: I had my
goal and I was in control. All I had to do was go over
and say something and I’d be in. Unless she wasn’t
interested. Unless she said “What? Who are you?
What are you talking about?” and all that rejection
shit.
My mates were still egging it on. I thought back to
when I’d gone down the pub once with Chris, when I
was egging him on. It was far easier being on that side
of the situation. On that night the girl’s mate had finally come up to him and told him that her friend was
interested. I remember hoping that wouldn’t happen to
me because of it being an even worse situation to be
in. At least by being the initiator you stayed at a dominant level. Graz was now telling me that if I didn’t go
over then he would do it for me. I picked up my pint
and went over to the table full of girls.
I was really fucked. I just said “Hello,” sat down at their
table and waited for them to say something. One of
the girls (I think her name was Jo) introduced me to
the girl who’d been looking at me. Her name was
Tanya. Jo said, “Tanya thinks you’re really horny.” I
responded with an “Oh, right,” and carried on drinking.
I was beginning to get a headache.
The headache got worse as I listened to their conversation. One of the girls was going on about how she’d
met Damon at a back stage Blur gig. How he was “So
nice,” and “Really intelligent, he didn’t say much but
he’d always understand what you were talking about.”
Yeah, right. Whatever. Tanya asked me what kind of
music I was into and I said that I was an indie kid. She
said that she was too because she liked Blur and
Oasis.
I didn’t think I was getting anywhere. It was embarrassing ‘cause my mates kept looking at me when I
was talking to Tanya and making gestures at me. I sort
of wanted to talk to her properly but what with my
mates and her mates we didn’t really have the
chance. I just made the odd remark and listened to the
inane conversation of her friends, nodding my head
and laughing at the appropriate moments. I thought I’d
offer to buy her another drink or something but I was
too pissed to move. It went on like this for about an
hour.
When the pub finished Graz came over and said that
they were going on to a club, I said I might be down
shortly. Then Tanya’s mates left and it was just me
and her, I think it was planned. I didn’t really know
what to do then. I asked Tanya if she wanted to come
to the club with me but she said “No,” and that she
wanted to go home. I thought that was it but as she
was about to leave she said, “Aren’t you coming
then?”
We walked out of the pub together, chatting more this
time. Maybe it was the drink but as we walked down
the road I remember marvelling at how sexy she was.
I wondered when I should make a move. I wondered
if she really wanted me to, or if she just wanted me to
walk her home, she was pretty young and that. I
thought about suggesting going for a smoke down the
beach but I didn’t know if it was her sort of thing. Then
I started wondering why I hadn’t seen her around
before and thought about what if she wasn’t even a
GCSE student?
When we turned the corner though things started to
happen, maybe even too quickly. Tanya was suddenly all over me, didn’t know how to kiss properly and
she was near choking me with her tongue. Of course
I was pissed and I didn’t really care that much but I
kept thinking about how young she seemed. Then she
was pushing me up against the wall and she started
unbuttoning her shirt. I said that we couldn’t do anything there and she grabbed my hand and
dragged me across the road to where the
public toilets were, leading me into the
girls one.
When we were in there I think she started
trying to give me a blow job or something
but she didn’t know what she was doing
and started touching all the wrong places.
I was so pissed and it was in a fucking
public toilet for fuck’s sake.
I’d had enough. I said that I didn’t want to
do anything in a place like that. Tanya
stood up and buttoned her shirt. I
remained where I was, too drunk to move.
She started to shout at me about how I
was useless and how I’d led her on and
asked me what I was expecting. I could
tell that she was insulted. She gave me a
kick in the bollocks, which was really fucking painful, and then ran out.
I thought about following Tanya but I
couldn’t really be bothered with it. Instead
I lay on the dirty floor and reminisced
about where I’d gone wrong. Then this
head rush started to hit in. I figured that I’d
had too much to drink. I reached down to
button up my trousers and the toilet reappeared. I got out of there pretty quick.
On the way out I saw Jim and Helene getting off by the hedge. I was going to ignore
them and headed off home but then
Helene walked off and Jim ran up to me
asking me what I’d been up to in the girls
toilets. I said that I’d just been throwing up
and that I hadn’t realised that I was in the
girls one. Jim found this quite funny.
11
Jim used to live quite near me at the time and we
walked home together. I jokingly asked him if he was
going out with Helene yet and he gave me some dismissive answer of how he didn’t know what was going
on. I think he was pissed off about how he hadn’t got
a shag.
We cut across the park and walked in silence, thinking
about the evening behind us. I was thinking about
Tanya, Jim was thinking about Helene, I knew
because of how he used to go all silent and serious
when he was thinking about something close to his
heart or when he was planning. That’s what he was
doing probably. Planning. Whereas me, I was just
smiling, satisfied with the little attention that I’d got. I
was always far too satisfied.
We were walking along in silence when we saw
sparks in the middle of the field ahead of us. As we got
closer we heard voices, and saw the dark silhouettes
of the two bodies. It was Alex and Paul messing about
with gunpowder. Luckily they had cigarettes, and
some JD. Me and Jim sat down and watched them
continue. Paul told us how they were trying to make a
bong out of all the gunpowder they had. We weren’t
really listening.
I sat there bored for ages, drinking the JD to keep me
warm. Jim said they should make a fire but Alex wasn’t that enthusiastic about the idea. We decided to go
to Alex’s van instead. Smoke some gear.
It was a fucking long walk though. I remember thinking that I wanted to be in bed really but I hate missing
out. Then Jim started moaning that he couldn’t find his
keys. I think they’d fallen out of his pocket when he’d
sat down. He started saying that we should all go back
and help him find them but none of us could be arsed
so we just said we’d meet him at the van.
Chris Morton
12
Ents Planner
21/09/00
13
Gossip, Sex & The Universe
21/09/00
The Frustrations of a Petrol Crisis
If you were a man in the union on Wednesday night
and got lucky, one thing I can promise you is that it
wasn’t your stunning good looks, witty nature or your
charm that got you that love action. Did you go to the
fruit and veg stall on Thursday and wonder why all the
cucumbers and other phallic shaped vegetables were
sold out? Both these occurrences were a result of the
petrol crisis. Honest! …….Shall I start at the beginning?
First Tuesday back, I found myself in the company of
20 sexy females.
We were all fighting over an Anne Summers catalogue determined to find the biggest, most natural, yet
excitingly pleasurable, vibrator.
Questions like “ do you think the “promise” does what
it says?” and “ what do you think of the joystick/warrior/totem pole (delete as appropriate)” were flying
around the room. Out of 30 “personal pleasure stimulators” a select few were realised for their potential
and, after careful dissection of the catalogue, £200
worth of multi-speed products were ordered. By my
calculations that was almost 20 vibrators.
Big Sister
So, you’ve had two weeks back and boy can we tell.
Moral dilemmas have shot through the roof this week.
There have been a lot of little Miss and Mr
Naughtiness going on and some of it right under your
very nose. Who needs Big Brother???
The beast is back and could be in your bedroom as
we write this!! So far the sturdy member of his body
has stuck itself into campus life and seems to be
enjoying it. Of course there’s always the problem of
messy nights and jeans that have to be washed. The
sacrifices you make darling!
The lake has become a popular hotspot once more
with naughty behaviour. Was there some funky phallic action going on or were you merely fishing?? Who
knomes, we’re sure you do!!
Apparently the Jordanian God has been up to mischief with some three way action on Wednesday
night. The girls want him but which one will he
choose??? The blondies jealous but he’s seeing the
Personals
While amongst these thriving girls it suddenly dawned
on me that if we women were getting enough we
wouldn’t need vibrators. Or maybe that the men of
campus don’t meet the sexual demands of these gals.
Maybe you should ask yourself if you are performing
to a high enough standard.
The delivery was due on the following Tuesday and
everyone of those girls went home with a 7 inch order
and a happy knowing smile and dreamt of what was
come (no pun intended).
However, how were any of us to know the nightmare
of the petrol crisis was just around the corner. Black
Tuesday arrived and went with no delivery. Tensions
were running high, frustrations were unbearable…………even the angel had a one 2 one!
So there you go, that’s why you pulled on Wednesday
night, by Wednesday something had to be done and
why were there were no cucumbers on Thursday,
massive frustrations had to have their own deliverance, perhaps I’m right.
P.S. Look out on Friday…they still haven’t arrived!!!
By Tinkerbell
engaged one. Having fun in bed yet??? Are you
cross-eyed? Perhaps you should meet with the Beast
and share notes!
The Freshers have all arrived and safely tucked up in
bed but have they decided who with yet?? Will the
boyfriends/girlfriends last or will the temptation of
older men and women bring them to their knees? We
shall find out and bring you updates throughout the
year.
You’d better watch out because their are two girls out
there who are watching you and if you don’t want the
whole of Campus to know, keep it behind closed
doors! Because the raving nymphos that you know
we are, are out to score and you fellow students are
the targets!! Big Sister is watching you!!
By Tinkerbell
ed. if you have any gossip or you want to expand your personals then send it to Big Sister at [email protected]
Disclaimer: This is purely a gossip column and should
be taken with a pinch salt
-MATT BROWN is available and majorly up for some
TLC! as is the SHARKER... a Mr. PHIL WHEELER
Schindles strikes!
-Peel, Peel, Peel. Why do you keep doing it??????
-The backdoor’s still open in Rio
-Lias, Sarah, Jo and Claire, see u very soon to party
on down! - Lou xxx
-ELISKA WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE WHO
HELPED WITH MY MOVE, COME ROUND AND I
WILL GIVE YOU A VODKA (CO)
-IS IT OK TO FALL ASLEEP IN LECTURES IF THE
LECTURER DOESNT NOTICE????
-Kelvin. other womens boobs are for playing with.
-Oi HB! Keep your hands off those freshers!
-Can anyone help me find : 2 Cushions and 4 set of
marbles. Lose on Saturday the 9th September.
-To all the hunky MEng Mechies who have returned
to Uni once AGAIN. Yer Bastards!!
Der KAIser lives on... and offshore!!
-M, Get those knickers up, and down, and to the
side!!!!
-Benb! Woo ure here atlast get ready to do those
moves ive been telling you about!
-Nicki, Go on girl, u know u want to really, let ureself
go!
-hola! to all ‘las chicas inglesas’ from Castellon
2000, thanks for such an unforgtable time girlies xx
-AH would like to state that he and LK have NOT
eloped, or, then gotten divorced !!
-Val and Janet (Surrey Court), beware of idle chatter...
-Mmm, Steve you look yummy in that pinny! Worth
getting a drink for any day! Love, A xxx
-Do all old people smell of wee, or is it just chefs?”
-TO ALL SINGLE WOMEN!!
-why is your beer so expensive?
L IFE
AFTER THE WOMb
by Rich W
Seeing as it’s fresher’s week, I felt obligated to offer
some advice to the rosy cheeked ‘virgins’ that are
joining us. It doesn’t amount to much, but is something that will most certainly be required: a list of
things to do when bored in a lecture. Because,
hard as it may seem, you do get bored in lectures,
and so instead of testing your eye-lid’s ability to stay
open, try some of the following:
-play hangman
-play i-spy
-count the words on your page
-write a list of things to do when bored in a lecture
-swap seats with the person next to you
-invent an imaginary friend who you don’t like and
can argue with
-try to balance your text-book/folder on the person’s
head in front of you without them noticing
-fall asleep
-swap clothes with the person next to you
-swap clothes with the person behind you
-swap clothes with any attractive member of the
opposite sex
-leave
-make a hand-puppet out of your right sock
-make a hand-puppet out of your left sock to keep
the other sock company
-ask irrelevant questions to throw the lecturer (eg,
which is higher: a royal flush or a straight?)
-make up silly words and use them seriously in
conversation
-get a piece of paper and try to get everyone in the
room to sign it
-try to start the coughing thing, where everyone
starts coughing ( in unison for the advanced )
-read my column
-ridicule my column
-display indifference to my column
-organise a presidential campaign to become the
first non-american president of the USA
-start a mexican wave
-dream up a highly contagious life-threatening
disease
-tell the person next to you that you have a highly
contagious life-threatening disease
-keep touching the person next to you and tell them
that you’d like to sleep with them
-start coughing on the person next to you
-tell the person next to you that the last person you
coughed on died in less than 10 minutes, so they
might as well sleep with you
-flirt with the lecturer using eye contact, inadvertent
touches and obvious come-ons in questions, such
as ‘that’s all very well in this context, but what
about in bed?’. (don’t forget to wink)
-tie your shoe-laces together and try to forget you
have done so by the end of the lecture
-try and think of nothing
-develop the life-threatening disease you thought of
earlier, curl up in a ball, shout ‘mother, i don’t want
to die now, not having listened to this for an hour’,
and then pop your clogs.
The possibilities are a bit like the bbc’s coverage of
the Olympics: endless. Actually, come to think of it,
they’re a bit like my grandmother’s wool supply as
well...
14
Careers
Dr Russ
Dear Russ
I'm one of those people who has plenty of ideas for careers buzzing through
my head, but I can't seem to narrow
them down. What should I do?
Dear Chris
I'll run a few suggestions past you
which might help. First of all, there is
nothing stopping you from applying for
several different things at the same
time. For example, you could apply
for, say, accountancy and IT or
research and production. The important thing is to make sure that you justify your choice on the application form
and give a good account of yourself at
the interview. After all, if you're someone with a range of interests and
skills, why shouldn't you be suited to
more than one type of work? If you're
asked in an interview why you've
applied for other things, all you have to
say is that you'd be equally good at
those!
Secondly, you might find it helpful to
prioritise your applications into three
groups: idealistic, realistic and materialistic. If your 'favourite' job happens
to be something like journalism, PR,
advertising or publishing, then you can
expect a huge amount of competition
from other applicants. These all fall
into the idealistic category. You can
still give it your best shot but you might
like to keep something up your sleeve
as a safety net in case it doesn't work
out.
21/09/00
With Fudge it won’t budge!!!
HAIRTEC
Realistic jobs are those which you'd be
reasonably happy doing and which are
usually easier to get into. Even if
they're not your first choice, they may
turn out to be satisfying in other ways
and, who knows, could provide a stepping stone into your ideal job in due
course.
24 Madrid Road
(01483) 440414
You can probably ignore the materialistic at this stage since it is really only
a fall-back position for dealing with the
possibility of having nothing at all lined
up by the time you graduate. You
might, for example, need to do something just to earn some money after
the financial stress of being a student!
Reduced
prices for
Students
Tuesday’s Friday’s
inclusive
By the way, there is nothing stopping
you applying for both jobs and postgraduate study. They needn't interfere
with each other until you get offers
from both. It's another way to keep
your options open.
Finally, if you'd like some idea of just
how competitive certain jobs are, try
using the Job Descriptions file in the
Careers Office. This information is
provided for several hundred occupations.
I do hope this helps. Keep in touch.
Lloyds
Chemist
Russ Clark
PS
The Careers Fair on Thursday
5th October in the Austin Pearce
Building between 4 p.m. and 7 p.m.
may help you to narrow things down.
Obtaining reliable information usually
leads to better career choice.
Madrid
Road
Apollo Video Store
A FOOD GUIDE FOR FRESHERS
Right so you’ve got to university, you’ve sampled the
delights of the food eateries on Campus, and now
you’ve decided, or at least you will be very shortly that
is, that unless you want a severe dent in your student
loan, and you don’t want your body mass to increase
by twice its size, you are going to have to start cooking some of your own meals. Some of you I’m sure
will already be very accomplished in the kitchen, but
for those of you aren’t here are a few recipes to get
you started. Each recipe has a fried egg rating
depending on how difficult it is to carry out, 1 being the
easiest, 3 being the most difficult for those of you who
are feeling move adventurous.
2 slices of bread
cheese
1 teaspoon of mustard
2 teaspoons of margarine
a dash of Worcestershire sauce
Scrambled Egg on Toast
It takes 3 minutes
Serves 1 person.
Noodles with Chinese-style Lamb
15 minutes, Serves 2
2 slices of bread
2 eggs
1 tablespoon of milk
1 tablespoon of margarine
Beat the egg and the milk together, melt the margarine in a small saucepan over a low heat. Put the
bread in the toaster. When the margarine is melted
add the egg and milk mixture, stir the mixture continuously, not allowing the egg mixture to stick to the
pan. It should take about 2 minutes for the eggs to
reach a medium set. Serve the eggs on the buttered
toast.
As a variation you can add a handful of cheese when
you put the egg and milk mixture in the pan.
Cheese Rarebit (that’s Rarebit not rabbit!)
7 minutes, serves 1
Mash the grated cheese, mustard, and margarine
together. Toast the bread on one side, under the grill.
Once toasted turn it over, when the bread crispens but
is not yet brown spread the cheese and margarine
mixture on top, sprinkle on some Worcester sauce,
and then grill for a further two minutes until it is bubbling and brown.
1 layer of egg-noodles
1 tablespoon of oil
4 spring onions
1 red pepper
175g lamb
1 small can of sweetcorn
1 tablespoon of soy sauce
2 tablespoons of hoisin sauce
1 teaspoon mint sauce.
Follow the instructions on the noodle packet to soak
them. Chop the spring onions and the peppers finely,
While the noodles are soaking heat the oil in a
saucepan, once the oil is warm fry the spring onions,
red peppers and lamb for 5 minutes. Add the rest of
the ingredients and continue to stir-fry for a further
minute. Once the noodles are cooked, drain them
and add them to the saucepan. Mix together thoroughly and serve.
The Astolat
x
Newsagent
COMPETITION
In conjunction with New Zealand Lamb we
have six copies of ‘Famous Family Food’
cookery books for you to win and a chance
to win a stainless steel saucepan set. All
you have to do is answer the following
question and send your answer to
[email protected] with your contact
details.
Q)Zoe Ball makes her cheesecake for
which famous DJ?
a) DJ Larry ‘da’ Lamb
b) Dolly DJ
c) Norman Cooke
15
Ads
21/09/00
Notices
AGMS
EGMS
Chinese Asian Society AGM
22nd September
6-8PM LTB
Unplugged/Live
EGM on 21st September,
at 6pm in HRB
MOTION AGM
Friday 22nd Sept
7pm Roots
Gamesoc EGM
Sunday 24th September
Lecture Theatre A 2.30pm
For details contact [email protected]
Windsurfing AGM
Week 4
More details to follow
Womens Football EGM
Week 5
Details to follow
MaD Soc
Guys & Dolls production. Meeting
on Monday 25th at 6 pm. TB 18.
Drama workshops, weds noons.
More info coming soon.
Law Society AGM
6.00pm
Friday 6th October
Grant Mitchell Room
VACANCIES
FULL TIME & PART TIME
EVENINGS, WEEKENDS LUNCH TIMES
HOURS TO SUIT
BENEFITS INCLUDE FREE MEALS, CAR
PARKING, HOLIDAY PAY, BONUSES
£5.62 per Hour*
(Fri, Sat and Sun evenings after 6pm)
£4.50 per Hour
(Starting rate at all other times)
Burger King North Street
Burger King Ladymead
Retail Park
(By the A3/Wooden
Bridge)
Guildford
Drop in and fill in an application form today!
Or Phone 01483-539822 / 01483-579311
Hazel Farm Society AGM
Thursday 28th September
7.30pm Common Room, Hazel
Farm
GENERAL
NOTICES
CAR FOR SALE
Fiat Uno 45, (called Mario)
E-registration,
White with black bonnet,
MOT June 2001, Tax,
A good reliable car.
£350
contact UniS ext. 6598
Phat Vibes AGM
Monday 2nd October
6pm Hari's Bar
Biosoc AGM
Tuesday 5th October
1pm 23AY19
Turkish Society AGM
Tuesday 9th October
7pm Hari's bar
Economics Society
Thursday 28th October
6.30PM Chancellors
University of Surrey
Football Club Trials
Saturday 23rd September
10am at the Varsity Centre
Everybody welcome
For more details, please phone:
Trigger (01483 837813) or
Darrell (Campus ext. 52035) or
Robin (07909 968304)
TO
PLACE A NOTICE IN THIS SECTION
PLEASE EMAIL
[email protected]
Q What’s the newest sport in the
Olympic Games ?
Q Who are the current Southern
regional league BUSA champions ?
Q Which team at the University of
Surrey was voted the most improved
last year ?
A Women’s Waterpolo !!!!!
Q Which women’s team got to the
semi-finals of the BUSA’s last year?
Come and try it down at the
Spectrum on Monday 9-10pm, and
Tuesday 6-7pm.
SURREY PRIDE
FIVE – STAR SPJELDNAES
Horsley
USFC 1 st XI
1
5
The First team continued their excellent start to the
season with a convincing win against a Horsley side
who commendably just refused to give up. In the
final game Norgy superstar Nils Spjeldnaes was to
play for the University of Surrey it was, once again,
the Surrey defence that provided a wonderful platform for the dynamic front five to strut their stuff.
The opening twenty minutes saw the First team really turn on the style, as the opposition did not know
what had hit them. Two goals from Lee Turner and
one for his strike partner, Jim Hemmings, gave the
away side an unassailable lead. With it being Nils’
swansong for the club it was very pleasing to see his
superb technique and super-cool composure rubbing off on fellow defenders Paul Robinson and Alan
Ramsay, as attack after attack was built from the
back.
Italian full-back Simone Pietri is already providing a
continental edge to the side and it was he who gave
every opportunity for Steve Catt and Gaz Batty to
rule the midfield roost with some incisive and well
chosen passes. Horsley did manage to get a lucky
goal back, but Nils was not going to let this lot ruin
the party and a very cheeky nutmeg on his own goalline to clear some danger lifted the whole side as the
cry went up of “Nuts!”. Hemmings responded in the
most appropriate way of all, netting with a 20-yard
cracker.
Now the team could relax and Nils treated us to
some sublime skills to open up the frail Horsley
defence time and again. Turner completed his hat
trick with a precision finish to make the scoreline
even more decisive but it was Spjeldnaes who continued to run the show. His deft touches saw the
team cruise in to full-time and to a very comfortable
5-1 win, with there being no doubt in anyone’s mind
just how much we will
miss Surrey football’s
f a v o u r i t e
Scandinavian. Well
done team and good
luck Nils!
Walking On Water
Neither experience or any equipment is required to
enjoy the ancient sport of surfing. All you need is a
bit of time and to be able to swim a little and you can
take part in the sport of choice for Hawian royalty.
With six surf breaks within an hours drive, we might
not live on the coast but there is no excuse for not
hitting the beach on a regular basis. With some of
the best surf in the country only 4-5 hours away in
Cornwall, we will also try to make a full weekend trip
every month. The club offers free membership and
free use of all equipment. All you pay for is petrol
(if there is any available), with a day trip costing
around
£5 and a weekend to Newquay (Cornwall) £13. We
have boards to suit different levels of ability and full
winter wetsuits, boots and gloves to keep you warm
throughout the winter. More details can be found on
the
club
website
(www.geocities.com/surreysurf/home.html), by emailing [email protected], by calling 07941035843.
Alternatively come along to the sports fayre, this
Friday.
Mountaining Walking - not just hard work!
Hello and welcome to all Freshers, and all continuing
students who have previously been involved with the
Mountain Walking Club (or Hiking Club as it used to
be known). For those of you who don’t know or have
forgotten what we do (although the title may give you
a clue), let me explain. The Mountain Walking Club
arranges trips and walks around the country.
We meet on Tuesday lunchtimes at 1pm in the
downstairs foyer of the Teaching Block. Myself
(Maddie) Mike or Philippe, (Chairperson, Secretary
and Treasurer respectively) chair the meetings. At
these meetings, we organise trips and Sunday
walks, as well as social events. Absolutely anyone is
welcome, no commitment is required and we charge
no subscription fees. All members get a chance to
have their say in club matters, for example, where
we go and which weekends we go there. Find out
more details next Tuesday at the meeting!
if it’s raining, and of course much more convenient
for drinking purposes!).
We welcome any new members, or anyone who just
wants to come and see what goes on. Check out our
web page via the Students Union Sports pages –
see the photos (apologies to all 99-00 members who
would rather not be seen looking quite so gormless!).
To give you a taster, our next trip is from Friday
evening 29 September, to Sunday 31 September,
and we are walking on Dartmoor. As usual we are
camping, and as usual we are very close to a pub
(it’s so much easier to pay for pub meals than to try
cooking baked beans on a camping stove, especially
UniSPORT Information
Membership Details
All student memberships are now available from the sport centre at the main entrance of Campus. Any membership bought between now and Christmas will last until August 2001.
Prices have not increased since last year:
Fitness Card (unlimited use of fitness club)
Sports & Classes Card (free classes & sports with discount on courses)
UniSPORT Card (Both of the above)
(All of the above include the £5 Sports Registration Card)
Sports Registration Card (Insurance for any student sport club)
£30
£30
£40
£5
Anyone returning from placement and who froze their membership need to let UniSPORT know to make their
membership valid again.
Any member who will be going on placement this term may freeze their membership while they are away but
UniSPORT must receive a letter of confirmation that they are going from their department before they go.
Classes
Classes for sport (badminton – canoeing), dance (capoeira – belly dancing) and exercise (circuits – TKO aerobics) have started and information can be obtained from the sport centre.
Courses
Courses for sport (yoga – golf), dance (pilates – break dance) and health & fitness (fat buster – UniS living)
will start on 25th September. To book on a course and information on courses contact the sport centre.
Free week to sample any class or course - 25 th September to 1s t October
Latino Evening - Friday 6th October
(tickets available from the Sport Centre)
Varsity Bar
A refurbished bar offering a food service 7 days a week. An ideal place to watch the Premiership on the big
screen and other great sporting events while sipping on an ice cold beer.
If UniSPORT sell 1500 student memberships by 17.30 on Friday 22nd September there will be a special presentation by UniSPORT staff in the Union that evening.
The Sports Fayre on 22nd September is NOW at the Sports Hall 11am - 4pm