Gunge Relief - University of Surrey Students` Union
Issue no: 1008
Life after the
By Luke Hickey
Adam gets covered?
A packed Silly Night at the Union saw
USSU President and President elect
receive the comeuppance many
thought they deserved. Wednesday of
week 10 was the day Fiona Wareham
and Adam Jakeway will not forget in a
hurray. After a successful Sports Day
(see back page for full report), a capacity Union saw the finale of three weeks
of fundraising for Comic Relief, with
over £220 raised.
First up was President Fiona, who
admitted beforehand to be looking forward to the experience. After DJ Leroy
led the countdown, the Assistant
Phantom Flinger, assisted by bf sports
editor Dave Chapman, let the gunge
flow from above and in front.
Afterwards Fiona spoke of how she
actually enjoyed the experience, “It
was surprisingly pleasant, like having a
Anyone for gunk covered Fi
warm lumpy shower with your clothes
on but when the smell set in it was
quite nasty. Then it took days for the
rubbish to come out of my hair.” She
was also keen to congratulate everyone involved for raising so much
money while still swearing revenge,
particularly Kevin Marston.
Next was the result of the main vote;
the three with the most votes were
paraded up on the stage. Tristan
O’Dwyer (VP Comms & Marketing
elect) came third and was duly flanned
by our Assistant Phantom. Then the
remaining two Kevin Marston (VP
Comms & Marketing) and Adam were
presented for the crowd. Despite the
crowd calling for Kev to be gunged, he
was merely flanned, with the second
splatting reserved for Adam. However,
Mr. Jakeway decided not to behave
himself and smuggled into the tank a
plastic cup, managed to fill with gunge
and then emptied the contents over our
Assistant Phantom. Later Adam was
unapologetic for his behavior and
vowed revenge on the world for his
The Phantom herself sent her apologies for missing the event but was
keen to praise all involved for their
efforts and thank Fi, Adam, Kev, Tris
and the other candidates for their cooperation and humor. She also said, “I
regret to inform all of my fans that I am
retiring at the end of May, with my current assistant taking over next year. I
have thoroughly enjoyed the year,
even when flannings have gone wrong
and would like to thank the Sabbs for
supporting me. But before I go, I have
a date to keep with Big Sister, and a
reward for the hunk who has so far
guessed the identities of my two assistants and me, can’t have that happening can we. “
By David Abbott
A man found asleep in a bath in Stag Hill Court has been
released on bail.
The man, who was not a member of the University, was
arrested after being discovered by a cleaner on Monday morning. He had previously been ejected from other campus residences by University Security and the police.
Security had first been alerted to his presence when he was
found asleep in the corridor of another house in Stag Hill
Court. He later returned to the University and tried his luck in
other Courts before returning to Stag Hill. In this instance, he
was discovered when the cleaner unlocked the bathroom to
retrieve cleaning equipment. The cleaner called Security, who
then involved the police. Further police backup was required
before the man was apprehended.
This is not the first time that a squatter has been found on
University premises. Almost exactly a year ago, an individual
was discovered asleep in the toilets of the Union's Helyn Rose
Chief Security Officer, Tony Watling, said that campus residences are usually quite secure, because the number of people about discourages illegal activity. But he said that many
students are naïve and are too willing to let people into their
homes. He added, "Residents should never let strangers into
their houses and if there is ever a problem, they should call us
and let us sort it out."
The Students' Union has, for some time, had been officially
opposed to the installation of security cameras in Courts of
Residence, a policy that has recently been under review for
allegedly failing to protect against the possibility of attacks on
students. However, in Watling's opinion, CCTV would not have
helped in this case. Urging all students to be more wary, he
pointed out that "the individual certainly did not have a key to
the premises, so either someone let him in, or the door was left
Security can be contacted at any time on extension 2002, or
from an NTL phone, 812002. In an emergency, call them on
He’s behind you!
By Luke Hickey
Just in case the montage of posters
around campus has escaped your
attention, Sunday 29 th April is Census
Day. The Census is a national survey
where it is compulsory for every man,
woman and child currently residing in
the United Kingdom to register and
answer various questions about them -
selves. Legally every student currently
at this university must fill out a census.
Students on campus will by now have
received their copy, those living off
campus will be visited by their local
census coordinator with a copy of the
form. It is a legal requirement for ALL
students to fill it our correctly and completely by the deadline.
The Census takes place every 10
years (the last one being in 1991 sur-
prisingly enough), and £45billion of
public money is allocated each year
using the data received from the questionnaire. All details given in the census are completely confidential from
anybody at the university.
If any student has any concerns or
queries about the census, then please
speak to Susie Westwell (VP
Education and Welfare) in the Union.
Student Council 1pm, Tuesday 8th May, Main Union
News 1-2 n
Features 3-6, n
Gossip 13 n
Ellen van Keulen
Well, here it is, my last barefacts as editor (weeps) I
thought it would never come round but alas like all
things it does. It’s been a long year for me especialy
those Tuesday’s nights but its been full of laughs and
fun as well.
This week’s paper includes a special events pullout
with a months calander of entertainmnets for your
diaries as well as all the usual articles.
The paper this year has gone from strength to
strength with the quality of articles, the layup and the
increased advertising revenue, which has enabled us
to fund bigger issues and add more colour to the
pages. This year also marked the arrival of the
1000th issue of barefacts featuring a special pullout
of the history of bf, interviews with previous editors
and a review of news stories over the years.
It’s been an interesting year full of top notch stories
and articles even though some of the main issues this
semester have been covered with crap (or in other
words the sewage stories.)
Thanks to all the contributers over the last 24
issues, the editors and East End Offset (bf printers).
Special thanks to Luke Hickey who has been a tremdous Deputy Editor putting in a lot of time, ideas and
hard graft, Andy Thomas for his production skills and
my PC for never dying as bad as last years one.
The next issue of barefacts will be under the reign of
one Tristan O’Dwyer and his skate board and will be
out in the begining of September. All the best for next
year paper (its more then it seems) and I hope you
have started stacking up on either pro plus or sleep
because you going to need it.
Anyway, phased will be out at the end of week 13
in all the usual outlets around campus, with articles
on film, music, sport, body piercing and much more.
And don’t worry you will still be able to catch up on
the campus news and events on GU2, the USSU
website and weekly newsletters produced by the
Finally, good luck to everyone in their exams and all
the best in the future.
Well it’s goodbye from me and its goodbye to
barefacts for the year.
P.S. Don’t forget to fill out your Census forms from the
National Statistics office.
P.P.S. Have a great final week of term!!!
Union House, University Of Surrey
Guildford, Surrey, GU2 7XH
Tel: 01483 879275
Fax: 01483 534749
email: [email protected]
Deadline for Publication
Features and Arts: Friday 12pmNews: Monday
preferably on disk / email in Word 6.0 Format,
Text in Arial, size 9 font
...News In Brief...News In Brief...News
ÙUSFC No More
The future of the University of Surrey’s Men’s Football
Club is in doubt after it has emerged that the club is
seriously in debt. Their Annual General Meeting on
Sunday 6th May could be their last after allegations of
serious financial mismanagement have left the current
committee working hard to find some money.
The football club currently has 4 teams in BUSA, 4
in local weekend leagues and 2 in SESSA and is the
biggest sports club in terms of membership at this university. It has also emerged that the secretary of one
local league has been concerned that USFC have
been pulling out of too many matches after not being
able to raise a team.
A source in the football club told barefacts that the
current committee are working hard to ensure that
they are still functioning next year and have already
submitted proposals to local leagues to reduce the
number of teams they have and thus ensure they can
fulfill the remaining commitments .
barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper, published by the University of Surrey Students' Union Communications Office.
The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors, and do not necessarily
represent the views of the Editor, the Editorial Board, the University of Surrey Students' Union
or the University of Surrey.
This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission
of the publisher.
All submissions must include the author's name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication.
Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published.
barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions.
East End Offset (TU), Bow, London, E3 3LT
© USSU Communications Office 2001
Sir Harry Dies
Much loved entertainer Sir Harry Secombe died two
weeks ago from prostate cancer. Sir Harry, 79 was
famed for his work on The Goon Show and passed
away in a private hospital in Guildford with his wife of
50 years, Myra, at his side. He was more recently
remembered for his work on Christian programs
Highway and Songs of Praise.
Tribuates were led by Prince Charles, “I was deeply
saddened to learn of the death of Sir Harry, to whom I
spoke only recently in hospital. He was one of the
great life enhancers
of our age and gave
pleasure and constant happy laughter
to so many of us
throughout his life.”
spoke of his sadness, “He was one of
my boyhood heroes,
I used to see him on
the theatre during his
variety act and I was
fortunate enough to get to know him personally later.
He was a lovely, wonderful man who had the great gift
of laughter and he shared it with everyone. It was
impossible to be miserable when you were around
Guildford Stabbing Mystery
An attempted murder in Guildford is being investigated by police. A man was stabbed and left for dead on
the roadside last week. The incident took place at the
junction of Whitmoor Lane on the A320 Woking Road
at 3pm. Passing drivers called police after seeing two
men fighting at a bus stop. The victim, 33 was then
found bleeding, needing emergency surgery at the
Royal Surrey County Hospital. Police are hunting the
attacker who was known to the victim. He is believed
to have fled from the scene towards Guildford, in a
dark coloured early BMW 5-series. The knifing followed an earlier argument and then a car chase. Det
Sgt Collins said he was keen to trace the man and
hear his side of the story about the strange affair.
Anyone with further information should contact Surrey
Police on 01483 531111.
Foot and Mouth Escalation
The four weeks of Easter holidays has seen the Foot
and Mouth crisis in the UK escalate rapidly, with the
total number of confirmed cases now approximately
1,500. So far about 2 million animals who either had
the disease or who were at risk of catching the disease have been slaughtered in the worst crisis for the
farming community in over 30 years.
Recently the European Union has granted the UK
Government permission to vaccinate about 180,000
diary cattle, this would still lead to their eventual
slaughter. At time of going to press, no decision had
been taken on whether to proceed with the vaccination.
Currently there are still no confirmed cases in either
Surrey or neighboring county Hampshire. Tourism has
also been hit with some holiday resorts in England
reporting drops in tourists of up to 50%.
News & Feature
As a mature student, can I expect any particular difficulties when it comes to job hunting?
The short answer is that you might. The long answer is that
there are lots of things you can do about it. I'll go through
some of the things which might pose problems. First of all,
employers may think you will want to earn more than
younger graduates. In practice, they are only likely to pay
you more if you have experience or skills which are of value
to them. I suggest you give careful thought to the relationship, if any, between any previous experience you may have
had and your chosen career. You can then plan to 'sell' this
Employers may be frosty for other reasons. For example,
they may have concerns about where you will fit into their
organisational structure. Their main worry is that you may
have difficulty answering to staff more senior than you who
also happen to be younger. The best way to counter this is
to emphasise the fact that you have rubbed shoulders with
younger students for the past 3 or 4 years and it has not
been a problem. Try to emphasise that you respect colleagues for their experience and professionalism and that
age is simply not a factor in the equation.
There are certain employers who worry that you will not fit
easily into their training programme. They think you might
consider yourself 'above all that' and turn out to be a bit of a
loose cannon. Once again, you can counter this perception
by saying that your success in completing a degree programme is evidence enough that you have an open mind to
the learning and training process.
Despite your planning, you may still experience prejudice
on the basis of your age, particularly since there is no legislation at the moment to prevent this. The best overall advice
I can give you is to approach your job hunting in a positive
and enthusiastic way. Employers are looking for people who
can move their organisations forward. As a graduate, they
have high expectations that you would fit the bill. As a
mature graduate, it is your place to argue that your experience will make you even more effective.
PS Don't forget to come into the Careers Service and
pick up your free copy of our Job Hunting After Graduation
pack. This includes leaflets on effective job hunting, details
of where to look for vacancies, and an application form for
us to mail/email you vacancy information after you leave.
T o: barefacts
F rom: Name Supplied
Subject: Student Council farce & President
I am writing with reference to the
Student’s Council meeting (although it is
tempting to use the word farce), actually
no, it was a farce, so let’s start again. I am
writing with reference to the Student’s
Council farce in week 10 and the year long
Right let’s just reiterate what happened
at SC. We started, almost on time, with a
proposal from the Ethics and Environment
Chair. She made a valid point, about
something which, let’s be frank the VC
should be considering anyway. From what
little I know of him, he seems a reasonable
chap and a quick email from the lady in
question probably would have done the
trick. But still the matter was discussed
within five minutes and was worthy of
being brought before us all.
Next a proposal from AJ to change the
name of the Upper Bar to Wray’s Bar.
Great idea, again should be brought before
the Council, but should only take another
five minutes. Clearly the majority there
were in favour of an idea which would cost
less than a decent bottle of wine and
undoubtedly mean a great deal more to
Wray himself, as the vote suggested.
However, the VP Finance and
Development decided to, as he is perfectly
entitled to, question the quoracy level. The
next ten minutes were spent deciding who
was actually at the meeting, largely due to
the President not letting the Union
Chairperson do his job and continually
interrupting him. Then it turned out that we
were ten or so short, fair enough then the
meeting is invalid from then onwards.
Although I assume that the constitution
says that the question can be asked after
the vote has taken place, and Luke was
not playing on the general student ignorance on the constitution.
The lettuce part may have been funny,
but some of us happen to be fairly busy in
week 10, dissertations, etc. and would
rather matters like that of no interest to us
generally could be left to bar-talk. And if I’m
not mistaken, matters like the colour of let tuce are the responsibility of Bars and
Catering, not the Student Council and certainly not the Sabbs. The only rights we
have to B&C are as customers of them.
And Sabbs before you say it was only ever
going to be an indicative vote please
remember that since most people present
abstained, nobody cared about it. And also
I do hope you Sabbs do not spend you
days employed to represent us discussing
this kind of crap.
Then the reports, virtually the same as
last time, does the VP Comms &
Marketing’s speech ever change, probably
not, but the speeches is an essential part
of any meeting, so we’ll gloss over them.
Although how many of the Student Exec
were actually at the meeting (you know
those people we elect who are meant to be
answerable to us at these meetings), the
chair was there, as was Ethics, as was the
technology officer and I’m sure I recall
hearing the PGA chair come out with some
of his usual high level stuff, so he must
have been there. Was the sports standing
chair there? was the international officer
there? etc.. did they send any
Lastly, it is a shame that more students
do not attend these monthly meetings, as it
is the best way to really have your say,
except this year it isn’t. I’ve been at this uni
long enough to remember how it was
under Bob and some of her successors,
we had frank and open meetings which
actually had a purpose. The only thing the
SC has decided this year which I can
remember is have no Smoking at SC
meetings, important stuff. Is this because
the current President believes she is bigger than USSU and doesn’t feel the need
to keep us all informed? Now I appreciate
that some stuff is confidential, and quite
rightly so, but the fact that she regularly
ends discussions at Exec meetings (the
body we elect to keep the Sabbs in check),
because she doesn’t like the way it is
going and she may be outvoted is disgraceful. I’ve heard stories of her being
outvoted heavily and then decreeing that
the matter be brought to SC, only it was
conveniently dropped from the agenda,
since it was too confidential to be discussed there. (sic)
The fact that we have so many committees is great, except if we have a former
German leader as President, surely there
is no point to most of them.
Some people do come out of this mess
with credit, particularly two members of the
exec (the Chairperson and Technology
Officer) have been visibly trying to represent students and I have heard of all of
them in full scaled rows with the President.
All others, including Sabbs have just
appeared to fall in behind her and do what ever she says, if this isn’t true why haven’t
they publicly opposed her, don’t say they
have to publicy support her, we elect them
as much as we elect her.
I am also grateful about the large picture
of Korean music performer on page 3 on
Unfortunately, there are something that
need to be changed for "accuracy" on that
No.1: In line 1, the name of music performer shows Kun-Jung Li in the article.
The correct name of her is Miss Keum,
No.2: In line 2, the name of musical
instrument says a violin. Actually, it was a
Viola as introduced on stage.
No.3: In line 5 & 6: the name of martial
arts is introduced as Taikwondo. The formal and correct spelling of it is Taekwondo.
No.4: In line 6: the article says the name
of the president of Korean Society is
JungYoul Yee. The correct one -on his
passport- is Mr. Yee, Chuong-Lyul.
Can you have these corrections
expressed -preferably in page 1 or 2- in
issue no 1008?
(In fairness to Luke Mackenzie, he has
subsequently admitted that he was in the
wrong and was himself ignorant of the
exact constitution believing he could still
ask quarocy questions after the vote had
bee called and not counted.Constitutionally
the matter is a grey area. Luke has also
apologised and made clear that it was an
accidental error - dep ed).
Parts of this letter have been edited to
remove unfair personal insults, with sic
used where this took place.
T o: barefacts
F rom: chuong-lyul Yee
This is Tim who is a chairman of Korean
Society on campus. Many Thanks for your
wonderful and complimentary 15-lined article about Korean Society on "International
Gala" on the coverpage of issue no 1006
dated 15-03-2001 written by Ms. Sariqa
Feature - be warned
The following two pages contain strong language and opinions which some may find offensive, if you
think you may be offended by these two writers please do not read......
Hickey & Watts
Alias Smith & Jones
How the devil are you?
actually have studied it in depth, and I could
Apart from you lifting questions from Q-mag- talk about it for hours with anybody that
azine, I’m fine thank you, although I have wanted to. Is it true that you almost became
always wanted to be asked that question, so a Catholic Priest?
now I’m even better.
Is this question ambiguous?
Why, and what made you change your
What - in that it has no subject and therefore mind?
a little hazy around the edge? If so, then yes, At the age of 16 / 17 my life was
but never-the-less a good question. What Catholicism and it just seemed to be the
genius came up with that one?
sensible step. Then I ended up here
Are the rumors that you’ve retired from doing a maths degree without even really
the world of sex true?
thinking about what I wanted to do with
Where exactly have these rumors been cir- my life. But then I realized there is a life
outside of the Church, so I still believe
and still go to Church but don’t like a lot
In that case, yes, they are absolutely true of the hypocrisy in the Church at the
and should any residents of the aforemen- minute.
tioned house want to go out with me, they The hypocrisy is an issue for me as well. And
can’t. For a minute I thought it might have I find a lot of people have faith as some sort
been my mother’s bingo hall. Have you of security and so don’t react well if their faith
retired from sex?
is questioned. On that note – do the CU still
I think I’ve been in semi-retirement for get on with you, because they are certainly
most of my life. Not that I’ve had much not my biggest fans at the mo…
choice, mind. But to change the subject I think there are a few people there who
somewhat, does being offensive come don’t like me, but a lot of people there are
easy to you?
happy to discuss their faith and will
It’s not being offensive, it’s having a sense of accept that people may disagree with
humour. Unfortunately some people don’t them. They’re like a few societies where
get the subtle nuances of sarcasm.
common sense sometimes goes out of
What do you look for in a girl?
the window and anybody who disagrees
Primarily, the right number of limbs. Apart with you is outcast.
from that, a pretty face, short hair and sense It’s just a case of being tolerant and acceptof humour. Although I’m
ing different viewpoints.
well aware that any girl “..Just to set the record
We’re all intelligent
with these characteristics straight. I am a black cross- human beings after all
would not be interested in
and can discuss things
me. Or you for that mat- dressing, bumbandit. Where rationally.
ter. Does you sarcastic do your sexual preferences Indeed, what qualities in
demure cause you prob- lie? I hear you pull more
a person do you dispise
lems with your love life?
Possibly, but I would
Probably people who
say my lack of good
say ‘Oh I want to do it,
looks and rather large belly are bigger but I wont because my mate doesn’t want
factors, although I’d like to think that to. If you want to do something then
women weren’t concerned completely bloody well do, don’t wait for others.
with such superficial characteristics as Fair point, ok enough of this. Imagine you
what a man looks like. The only time they are watching Wimbledon on TV: on BBC 1,
seem not to care about that is when there is Pete Sampras against Andre Agassi.
they’ve drunk too much or taken illegal On BBC 2 there is Martina Hingis against
substances. Have you ever taken any Anna Kournikova. Which channel do you
illegal substances to make women look watch and why?
attractive or just for the hell of it?
I’m actually a fan of most women’s
For a long time I thought it was illegal to sport, because they tend to be more
masturbate, so I concentrated my efforts on skillful. I used to support Croydon
that aspect of breaking the law. When I Ladies FC (National Leage Champions),
found out that that wasn’t illegal, though, I until they buggered off to Charlton.
had to find something else, so yes – I’ve Not bitter then?
been known to dabble. I don’t think you Not at all. Don’t know which I’d watch,
need drugs to have a good time, though – though - probably Sampras v Agassi,
that’s what stupid people and women on Although I personally think Anke Huber
drugs are there for.
is better looking that Anna Kournikova.
So how did you get such a high (unpure) Which would you watch?
score in the purity test then?
ITV, I don’t like tennis.
As I said I’ve dabbled with many things.
Who would you rather spend the
And animals? Yep. I have a lot of love for evening with, Steps, S-Club 7 or
animals. In fact I want to be a cat when I’m Hearsay?
reincarnated. All they seem to do is lie Well, assuming I could take only certain
around all day sleeping and then when they members from each, then Faye and Claire
decide they’re hungry they get sexual from Steps, Hannah from S-Club 7 and
around their owner’s legs and get some Suzanne and Noel from Hear’say. I say
food, then they go back to sleep. Easy life. A Noel so people don’t think I’m homophobic,
lot like that of a student in fact.
and because he’s a good looking lad.
Do you believe in God?
Are you homophobic?
Do you want a big theological debate?
I’m about as close to homophobicism as
You could, but I’d win.
the pope is to Hinduism ie, not.
Ok, in one word: agnosticism. The thing that Why do you think it is that people think
annoys me about the Christian Union thing is you are homophobic, sexist and racist?
that people think I was just having a pop, I I wasn’t aware people thought that.
Although the fact that all of my funniest jokes
and thoughts tend to be at the expense of
minority groups, I can see why they think
that. Just to set the record straight – I am a
black, cross-dressing bum-bandit. Where do
your sexual tendancies lie? I hear you have
pulled more men this year than women. Any
truth in that?
It is true that I’ve had more blokes try to
pull me than birds.
Why do you think that is? Do you consider
Don’t think so. I always seem to get cast
as a gay bloke in plays as well, actually.
Maybe that was the director’s way of telling
you he liked you?
He was a she.
Oh. In a transvestite sense or in an ‘it was a
female director’ kind of way?
You should have said. Any of the other
actors make any advances towards you?
Not if you count bum-pinching as platonicism.
What would your ideal role be as an actor?
Probably Dash’s love interest in Blue
Yes, I know it well…
Changing the subject slightly, when can
you see yourself settling down, and will
you have kids?
Whoa there – nothing like a bit of a serious
issue. I have thought about it, but that’s all a
long way off, really. I guess I’d like to have
kids so I can be the father figure that I’ve
never really had, but the one problem is that
you need to get a girlfriend before you can
have kids. That’s where most of my troubles
Kids: never. Marriage - maybe one day. I
can’t imagine mini-you’s, what would you
do if they turned out normal?
I’d assume my wife had slept with someone
else and that they weren’t my kids. There’s
a lot of that around, you know – there will
always be room for adoption in the world…
Which we both are: adopted.
It’s not really an issue for me – the only effect
it has on me is that, given that I probably
shouldn’t be here anyway, I don’t have any
regrets and just do what I want when I want
to…thus I might seem slightly offensive – I
figure you just say stuff when you want
Pretty much, yeah. Although I would say
that I’m like I am because I’m adopted.
Believe it or not I can be charming sometimes.
I certainly can believe it – as I sit here now I
find myself gazing into your eyes and wondering if I stand a chance with you…trust
me, that’s not the only reference to standing
I could put in this bit…the point is, you’re a
And you look particularly attractive today,
with your perm.
I think both you and me know that there is no
perm going on with me today; the only thing
going on with my hair is an apparently fashionable Mohawk jobby that I had no choice in
having. All in the name of fashion supposedly.
Hmmm, I need a haircut, thinking of
going blond, what do you reckon?
Absolutely – I can recommend a hairdresser
where the girls are, in a word, fit and the
blokes are, in a word, gay. How does that
sound, given the seeming predilection gay
men have for you and your arse?
Can’t wait. Anyway, your taste in women
is miles different to mine.
I wouldn’t say ‘miles’ – otherwise you’d like
my mum, it’s just that you go for ugly women.
The point is, each to his own, otherwise we’d
all be after the same women. I happen to
know for a fact, you see, that Suzanne from
popstars is the girl for me and I the man for
her. It’s just a case of getting that message
to her. Anyway, can we talk about something
different, all of this talk of women makes me
want to go shopping…
Ok, how have you enjoyed writing Life
Feature - be warned
Life After the WOmb star Rich Watts (left) and dep ed Luke Hickey
after the Womb this year?
It’s been wicked. There were times when I
really couldn’t be arsed and just made up a
load of twaddle, but other times it was
wicked. The only complaint I have is that the
funniest thing I wrote didn’t get put in
because it was deemed offensive.
What was that then (as if I couldn’t
Well, I wrote this column on monkeys and
the hard time they get, so I wanted to start a
society that meant we could understand why
they are like they are. It was the British
Understanding of Monkey’s Behavioral
Antics – No Discrimination In This Society
society (BUMBANDITS Society). We were
going to have meetings in the lecture theatre
toilets on Friday evenings and everything
(entrance through the rear door only) so
everyone could appreciate the BUMBANDITS movement. It’s a shame it didn’t take
Massive shame, any truth in the rumour
that you’re behind the up and coming
Yes. Someone suggested it to me so I
thought I’d try to organize it. I contacted
BUSA recently to see if we could have a
national Soggy Biscuit competition, but I
haven’t heard back yet. Would you be interested in participating – there is a section for
I’ve never really considered myself a professional wanker before, must give it
I’ve never really considered you a ‘professional’ wanker as such – more of just a
wanker. Still, practise makes perfect. Any
ideas for a society of your own? Maybe the
“Let’s be fat men and eat pies together”
Cheers mate. It must be your turn to
change the subject.
Nicely avoided. Ok – would you economize
over Christmas by dumping your girlfriend
and then asking her back out again after the
That would require me to be going out
with a bird in the first place, rarely happens. But no, I’m not that much of a bastard.
Nice to know. What is your view on chivalry? I’m a door-opener and a payer for-everything kind of chap on a date because that’s
what my mum told me to do. Do you think
that’s a good quality or out of date in today’s
I’m probably not sufficiently affluent to
pay for everything on a date but I do open
doors generally for women. I think it’s
still a good quality to have.
Ok, so talking about society moving on, what
about mobile phones and people’s fascination with communication? It seems to me
that everyone is wanting to get in touch with
everyone else but doesn’t actually have anything to say. Either that or they can’t spell
anymore because of all this texting rubbish.
Given the number of spelling mistakes
we’ve made so far in this piece, we can’t
really talk about spelling. I can’t do without my phone now, mainly so that Kev
(ed) can ring me at stupid hours to tell me
to go somewhere to cover a story. Have
you been listening to Snoop-Dog too holiday then?
See Life After The Womb you mumbler of
Funny enough, no. Why – should I have unintelligible questions you. Looking forbeen?
ward to finishing university and moving on to
No, you’ve just quoted him though.
Well he obviously knows what he is talking Yeah, still not sure what I want to do
about. Is he also the one that says: “Come though? Looking forward to another year
on and braid my hair, ooh, oh, ooooh, come as a Maths student?
on and braid my hair”?
Indeed – maths student rock. They just don’t
He hasn’t said that to
know it. Anyhow, if
“ I’ve never really considered maths people don’t
Couldn’t have been myself a professional wanker,
sound the most excithim, then. While we’re
here, what kind of
Sabbs – they always
music do you, and I .....I’ve just considered you a
seem miserable and
mean this in a ‘like’ wanker...”
bored. Would you
sense and not a garrecommend getting
dening sense, dig?
involved behind that
All sorts, I like Cheese like S-Club 7, door at the union everyone knows is there
Steps, etc.. I like bands like Coldplay, but pretends it isn’t?
JJ72, Red Hot Chilli Peppers. I like guys You know full well I ran for sabb and didlike Babyface. Actually my favourite track n’t get it.
has to be Babyface and Stevie Wonder’s Indeed I do. That doesn’t answer the ques‘How Come, How long’. You?
tion. But while we’re there – any underhand
Well, first of all, I like cheese like Cathedral tactics involved do you think. I personally
City and your more usual dairy products, but think there was a bit of Florida re-count syneach to his own. I wasn’t aware there was a drome going on at our very own UniS…
cheese named after popular bands currently Nah, everybody who won did so, fairly
occupying the top places in our charts; and squarely. But in answer to your earlialthough that makes sense since you see er question, I would recommend getting
them everywhere else, so why not next to involved, the sabbs aren’t all that bad,
the coleslaw and natural bio yoghurt? except Kev who’s a ….
Anyway, to end the digression and come A ‘…’? Not heard that one. Expand
back to the point in hand, I like anything real- please…
ly – particularly guitar based stuff. I don’t Sorry my pathetic attempt at a joke.
really like toe-tapping, ass-shaking, tell-me- Indeed – pithy attempt. OK, university is the
who-ya’-momma-is-and-I’ll-spank-your-ass best time of your life and you will never enjoy
kind of stuff, though – it just yourself as much ever again. Discuss.
doesn’t pickle my gherkin.
Ask me again when I’ve left.
Do you like bands like That’s not a discussion – that’s a statement.
Rich & Rich?
Observant, aren’t you.
I believe that currently they For fuck sake – stop avoiding the issues. I’ll
are just a duet, but when answer it myself shall I? University is by far
they rock it out and go five the best thing that anyone could ever do
piece, I’m sure they’ll rock. because it involves parents only once every
I’d look out for them, four months on average and there is an
though, they’re gonna be unwritten law that states, and I quote,
bigger than my mum.
“should anyone not enjoy it then they should
What’s the most stupid do it again”. I like that. I like it so much that
question you’ve asked / I think we should stop here.
This bloke asked me once Thanks. I try.
what the stupidest question You ever think of writing for the paper?
I’d ever been asked was. I do.
That was pretty shit. Oh.
Otherwise, it’s the usual Fuck sake. I love you Luke.
shit question of how was I love you too, Rich.
r Sod women, let’s elope.
when you get back to uni. Cool.
Can’t people come up with
something better after 5 by Luke Hickey (bold) and Richard Watts
(not bold, just rather brash)
So how was your Easter
The Greensoc Greatest Green Initiative!
Remember Green Week? (Week 9 before
Easter in case you missed it!) Not content
with just giving away a bike, Greensoc also
launched a competition for the ‘Greatest
Green Initiative’, the prize being a Freeplay
radio – a radio powered exclusively by solar
and clockwork energy! Overall we received
72 ideas, ranging from the highly practical
and imaginative, to the absurdly ridiculous –
cars that run on ketchup…!?!?Recycling
failed students…!?!? Somewhat dubious (I
mean, if they were no good to start with why
Of the more sensible ideas, there were
many relating to recycling, energy use and
transport amongst other areas that would be
very worth while putting into practise – there
should be more recycling on campus, using
public transport in towns, re-use supermarket bags, using renewable electricity, to
mention but a few.
So how did we decide on the ‘Greatest’
one out of so many good ideas? Well, we
felt that it would be good if the winning initiative should be one that we could realistically and usefully put into practise at UniS
as well as being an overall strategy for a
positive and environmentally sensitive
lifestyle. In addition, we looked for a degree
of creativity – just to say “More recycling”,
while obviously a fantastic action to take, it
is hardly original and we also wanted a more
In the end we narrowed it down to four
entries that we felt should be given a mention. These were;
1)David Chapman – Encourage people to
cycle to campus by improving cycle storage
and security. (From experience I know that
currently there are few lock-up’s where you
can safely leave your bike undercover, and
few places where soggy cyclists can wash
and dry off after a rainy ride.)
2) Katherine Stone – More recycling initiatives on campus such as a day for recyclables to be collected and recycling bins in
each kitchen. (This is something that
Greensoc have looked into and also tried in
the past, the problem being getting the recyclables out of residences as there are not
sufficient cleaning staff available to do this,
and students seem incapable to do it themselves! Having specific days for recyclable
was we felt a good idea, and perhaps this
could be made a possibility in the future…)
3)Emma West – Use the old plastic pint
glasses from the Union to make a modern
art sculpture, sell it to the highest bidder and
give the money to Greenpeace! (Okay, so it
is not the most environmentally productive
idea, but it highlights a very significant issue
in the Union, that there are an awful lot of
plastic cups used and thrown away each
night in the Union, rather than using ‘glass’
glasses. There are reasons for this, which
again we have looked into, but this is another thing that maybe it could be possible to
re-investigate and do something about. A
sculpture would at least bring it to people’s
attention in a fun way and by selling for
Greenpeace it we would be supporting a
worthy environmental cause.)
And the overall winner of the radio was…..
Ben Grant-Jones – One big ‘Glass Bottle
Recycling Week’ where all glass bottles from
Halls around campus are recycled.
We felt that one focussed week could be
highly possible to organise, even if we end
all the carrying around ourselves. I am aiming for Week 3 of next semester – in other
words, Freshers Week – with the hope that
if we show them how it is possible to do it for
a week, maybe they may be encouraged to
carry on themselves and what started as an
individual week could become a long-term
strategy. So, well done to Ben and everyone
else that entered, and lets hope that we can
put some of these ideas into practise. For all
of you that expressed the wish to recycle on
campus, there are recycling banks outside
of Chancellors, and more at the top of the
Park and Ride car park just off campus
(Yorkies Bridge end). What’s stopping you?!
24 Madrid Road
BIFFY CLYRO - 27 (Beggars Banquet)
A thumping drumbeat signals the arrival of
‘27’, Biffy Clyro’s first single release on the
Beggars Banquet label. ‘27’ is a fantastic
mix of angry rock and melodic pop; the
sound is just complex enough. The roller
coaster sound created by varied guitar and
drum play demands your total attention. A
Glasgow band that sound anything but. 8/10
ing out to. This is definitely worth buying for
anyone even slightly interested in Soul
music. 7/10 N.M.
NASH - 100 Million Ways (EMI)
‘100 Million Ways’ has a really funky sound
that reminds me of Jamiroquai. The lyrics
are emotive and strong and complement the
excellent sounds well. The remix version on
the CD is a more chilled out version and is
also great. 7/10 N.M.
LOWGOLD - Counterfeit (Nude)
‘Counterfeit’ epitomises the head-nodding
guitar music lauded by indie cognoscenti.
The instrumentation cleverly draws focus
away from lead singer Darren Ford’s
COUSTEAU - Wish You Were Her (Palm mediocre voice. ‘Counterfeit’ is by the num bers indie-rock; consequently it becomes
Cousteau are an interesting proposition, a boring very quickly. The b-sides are more
sort of Bowie, U2 hybrid. There are few imaginative and well worth a look. Lowgold
modern bands to which they can be com- bask lazily in the knowledge that their wellpared in terms of sound or quality. ‘Wish You constructed guitar sound sells records. 6/10
Were Her’ is wonderfully sophisticated, A.R.
meaningful fun. The b-side ‘To Know Her’ is
incredible and surprisingly superior to the a- Lapland – Waiting For Some News EP
side - strange. 8/10 A.R.
Not the musical project of a lap-dancing club
but from a group of deep south rockers.
JILL SCOTT - A Long Walk (Sony)
‘A Long Walk’ tells the story of how Jill and Opening track ‘Itching Powder’ holds them
her fiancé met. This track is a slow and in good steed with slide guitar and blues
effortless swing and is typical music for chill- riffs, awful lyrics though “going to the kitchen
V/A – A Break From The Norm (GUT)
If you have ever wondered where Fatboy
Slim gets his inspiration from for his tracks
then this could be the album for you. A Break
From The Norm is a collection of tracks
which have been sampled by Norman Cook
in his offerings to the world of music. I am
not going to tell you what tracks the
Cookmeister used for his samples because
that will just ruin it. The album is a great collection of classic stuff from all different genres of music. It’s a tasty 8/10 K.M.
Matthew Jay – Draw (Parlophone)
Two highly acclaimed EP’s behind him,
Matthew Jay returns with ‘Draw’ an album
that will surely reap more acclaim. ‘Draw’ is
a kind of pop meets the new acoustic movement with heavenly choruses and striped
bare emotion. Call him Elliot Smith or Nick
Drake it doesn’t really matter, ‘Draw’ is full of
lucid simplicity and brilliance. Kings of
Convenience have certainly got it right, quiet
is the new loud. 8/10 S.R.
VA - Bridget Jones’ Diary Soundtrack
I can’t normally stand movie soundtracks but
somehow this one’s different. It could be
because it contains Gabrielle’s latest corking single, ‘Out of Reach’, or maybe it’s the
classics from Aretha Franklin, Andy
Williams, Aretha Franklin and Diana Ross &
Marvin Gaye. It might be due to Geri
Halliwell’s almost unprecedented act of tak ing a classic (It’s Raining Men) and making
it better; maybe it is because the album contains The Artful Dodger’s only good single to
date (Woman Trouble), or is it the two exclusive tracks from Robbie Williams. Whatever
it is, if you like feel good mixture of old
Motown and Easy Listening with a few
recent hits then you’ll love this; if you don’t
you wont. 8/10 L.H.
Lunacy’ rocks radio-friendly for three and a
half minutes and provides a great intro to the
album. ‘Shapeshifter’ slows the pace and
gives the listener a well-needed rest. Gil
Norton’s production is obvious; ‘Windvain’ is
a clear if slightly obvious nod to the Foo
Fighters. Rock fans will rejoice in this distinctly rough-edged music; ‘Learning To Let
Go’ could never be described as easy listening! Frontman Gavin Goodwin’s raspy
voice separates Terris from their contemporaries. Despite the loud-rock
backbone, there is enough variation here to
give the album a complete feel. ‘Learning To
Let Go’ is a very promising debut album.
Don’t forget closing track ‘Deliverance’ a
superb example of excellent song
writing. 8/10 A.R.
GORILLAZ - Gorillaz (Parlophone)
This is basically Damon Albarn's (of Blur
fame) and Jamie Hewlett (cartoonist, did
Tank Girl??) pet project. They roped in a few
more people and the result is an "animated
super group". Without a doubt their videos
are stunning and give all members an
altered ego, which brings the interesting
question of what live performances will be
like. Whilst a lot of the album is quite good a
lot of the tracks can start sounding on the
bland side - that may sound a bit harsh but
the laid back nature of the album has sometimes gone to far. That said there are still
quite a few good tracks on here but I feel
that it maybe one that'll your want to program your CD player - or you'll end up listening to the singles and a couple of other
tracks. The other thing is that Damon Albarn
does most of the vocals and therefore it can
at times sound quite Blur like despite the different style of backing. 7/10 I.P.
SHED SEVEN - If the Truth be Told
You may not remember Shed Seven but
they had a string of hits back when Britpop
was all the rage, from ‘Going for Gold’,
‘Chasing Rainbows’ and ‘Getting Better’.
They are back with a new guitarist, record
contract and an album. The album starts
with a fast and furious track ‘If the music
TERRIS - Learning To Let Go (Blanco y don’t move yer’ which is classic Shed Seven
and excellent at that. Unfortunately it starts
‘Learning To Let Go’ is brimming with emo- to lose touch from then on and never quite
tion and class. There are few disappoint - regains momentum. There are some very
ments among the many highlights. Album good spells though. ‘Be Myself’ and
opener ‘White Gold Way’ builds menacingly ‘Feathers’ (which has a nice bluesy guitar
riff) are two such moments. There’s nothing
for two minutes before exploding into life wonderful! Recent single ‘Fabricated here to set the world alight but for fans of
Shed Seven and the related Britpop era, this
Single of the Week
REEF - All I Want (Sony)
‘All I Want’ is the third single from
the ‘Getaway’ album’ and probably the best track. It’s a fourminute love song with the usual
melodic qualities associated with
reef. A great track which is away
from the more usual rockier stuff
reef are famous for. 8/10 N.M.
to get powder for my itching.” From then it’s
all down hill and ironically reaches a low on
the ‘Dizzy Heights’. Blues rock but with too
much of that special powder me thinks.
Dust Byte – Feeling Male EP (Smelt a
Oh yeah it feels great to play guitars loudly
make some real noise, it makes you like a
real man doesn’t it? Trouble is to get other
people listening apart from your girlfriends
you need some songs. Oh well. 4/10 S.R.
TIONNE “T-BOZ” WATKINS - My Getaway
‘My getaway’ is identified in the press
release as a highlight of the ‘Rugrats in
Paris’ soundtrack; with this in mind can I say
how lucky I feel not to have received any of
the soundtracks other songs. ‘My Getaway’
is standard R’n’B shit with little or nothing to
recommend; I wish “T-boz” would getaway.
DREAM - This is Me (Bad Boy)
The follow-up to debut single ‘He Loves u
Not’ from the latest girl-band wannabes is
pleasant enough. The denim-clad beauties
produce a few sweet harmonies but This is
Me is as formulaic and uninspiring as most
of the other manufactured bands. He loves
u not was better, at least it had a bit of attitude to it. The single was produced by Sean
‘Puffy’ Coombs, you’d thought he knew better. 3/10 L.H.
Album of the Week
OCEAN COLOUR SCENE Mechanical Wonder (Island)
Mechanical Wonder is Ocean
Colour Scene’s fifth album and
sees them move into a more folky
sound. It’s not an instant hit and
needs a few listens to warm up but
when it does it hits you. The
excellent single ‘Up on the downside’ is a pop classic. ‘Can’t get
back to the baseline’ is a great
rocky track and has a nice retro
sound. The other outstanding
tracks ‘Biggest Thing’, ‘Sail on my
Boat’ and ‘We made it more’ are
beautifully melodic in the usual
OCS style. The unfortunate thing is that a few of the songs on ‘Mechancial Wonder’ are a
bit drab and dreary. This should not put off a purchase of this album though as the other
tracks more than make up for it. 8/10 N.M.
album has some excellent moments, which
make it more than worth a purchase. 7/10
is long awaited and what a disappointment.
Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of
brilliance in the album like the first single
and opening track ‘Vaporizer’, the eerie tumMC CONRAD - Logical Progression Level ble of ‘Lonely Roads’ and the Led Zeppelin
4 (Good Looking)
closing track of ‘The Jam that Ate Itself’ all
This is the final compilation from the LTJ show what they are capable of. However,
Bukem-headed Logical Progression series somewhere in between Lupine Howl get
and for the first time features the talented caught up in their own psychedelic ramMC Conrad at the helm showcasing a selec- blings. Loop, sonic fuzz, guitar frenzies,
tion of his own tracks. The album compris- they’re all great but don’t forget the songs,
es of three CDs; the first contains nine vocal which is something they seem to have done.
tracks courtesy of Conrad, the second a 6/10 S.R.
selection of exclusive tracks picked by
Bukem and the third, remixes of Conrad’s RUN DMC – Crown Royal (Arista)
tracks from CD1 by the likes of Nookie, Run DMC return with the very-long-in-theBlame and PHD amongst others. The artists production album with special guests from
and remixers involved in this current project the world of new metal and others. Crown
all display obvious talent as far as music Royal is not particularly the most inventive
production is concerned but the individuality sound of the year even with its numerous
and energy of some of the previous Logical special guests. ‘Rock Show’ and ‘Queens
Progression series and Good Looking Day’ are highlights of the album with raw
releases seems to missing this time. MC energy and cleverly constructed grooves
and beats. If you are expecting a ‘Walk This
CD is the only selection which provides any Way’ track then unfortunately you won’t find
real boundary-pushing sounds as he uses it here. But nothings as good as it used to
his unique voice for new-sounding, intelli- be, hey 6/10 K.M.
gent, male vocal-styled drum and bass. Buy
this if you are a fan or don’t mind
getting only one CD of what this team is
capable of. 7/10 R.R.
This week reviews by:
Alex Read, Kevin Marston, Nigel Martin,
Lupine Howl – The Carnivorous Lunar
Rupert Read, Luke Hickey, Si mon
Activities of Lupine Howl (Vinyl Hiss)
Robinson & Ian Purvey
Dumped by Spiritualized and a year in the
making, this debut album form Lupine Howl
Music & OFU
Wolverhampton Wulfrun Hall
2nd April 2001
Saturday 24 March 2001
The band came on at a packed Wulfrun
Hall to five flashing blue police lights and
the melody of Hearsay's 'Pure And Simple'.
An amusing start to a great evening.
Terrorvision started as they intended to continue with a rousing 'Friends and Family',
with the whole crowd yelling, "Party over
here, f**k you over there". The next tracks
confirmed that the theme of the evening
was going to be serious rock. This suited
the crowd just fine, who appreciated all,
even the slightly dodgy track off current
album 'Good To Go'; 'Sometimes I'd Like To
Kill Her'. But the older stuff got an airing
tonight too, with 'American TV' from first
album 'Formaldehyde' going down a storm,
and when 'Middleman' was played, it
received ecstatic applause. Singer Tony
Wright is such a showman, and had the
crowd worked up into a frenzy right from the
start, with antics like clambering up to the
highest amp near the ceiling, arms aloft.
Anyone who can get most of the Wulfrun
Hall jumping has got to be doing something
right. New single 'Fists of Fury' is for "Rock
'n' roll and you lot who go out to find it"
apparently, but still has some worrying
country moments. But the band can do no
wrong tonight and arms and lighters are
raised for slowie 'From Out of Nothing'.
'How To Make Friends And Influence
People' track 'What Makes You Tick' soon
woke the crowd up again, as did new album
track 'Come Home Beanie'. 'Jason' from
'Formaldehyde' soon followed and then
came the big guns. 'Oblivion', probably the
bands' best song got an immense response
and the crowd kept jumping to 'Josephine'
(in which the lead singer gave the front few
rows a welcome soaking with a huge water
gun), and 'Tequila', Mexican hats and all.
Gorgeous 'Bad Actress' followed, in a rare
mellow moment. But this didn't last, as
stomping recent single 'D'Ya Wanna Go
Faster?' testified to, which saw Tony Wright
leaping from one foot to the other in a slightly ape-like manner. 'Perseverance' had the
crowd chanting "whales and dolphins,
whales and dolphins, yeah" and was the
last song before the band went off to raptur-
their popular debut album (popular indeed
for an indie band!) Their singles unsurprisingly garnered the greatest response from
the crowd. It should be noted the majority of
people at the gig appeared to have only
heard the singles. This fact didn’t seem to
discourage anyone from having a great
time. The band identified one person in the
front row as a regular follower of their gigs
and when questioned “How many times
have you seen us on this tour?” he responded “six times”. After only one headline tour
Lowgold already appears to have a stalker –
sorry dedicated - fan. Seriously though, they
are the sort of band, which should look forward to the future support of a dedicated fan
The average age of the band is probably
over thirty; guitarist Dan Symons is certainly
no spring chicken. Lowgold is the antithesis
Lowgold rolled into Bedford to promote
their debut album ‘Just Backward of
Square’. Support came courtesy of
Goldrush – an excellent new band which
appeared on Steve Lamacq’s Evening
Session just two days after the gig. They
provided an excellent soft-edged foil to
Lowgold’s rockier blend of guitar music.
Lowgold is a fairly stereotypical indie/rock
band. Their success can be attributed to the
superbly crafted nature of lead singer
Darren Ford’s song writing.
Ford is keen to get the crowd involved, a
not entirely sound decision considering the
crowd sanity issue prevalent at Bedford
gigs. Abusive comments were drowned out
by further foul language as observed by
Ford. Bedford Esquires is rarely described
as a must-play venue; the average age of
those in attendance pushed the issue of fag
machine security to the fore. The crowd was
rocked into life by live favourites ‘Mercury’
and new single ‘Counterfeit’. Darren Ford
rides the thin line between wit and smugness and I couldn’t make up my mind
whether I wanted the plug pulled on his
between-song chat. Lowgold’s melancholic
rock-pop is occasionally too rough around
the edges; a definite love-hate attribute.
The set consisted primarily of songs from
OFU Last Showdown
It’s that time of year again; the sun
appears for one day before the return of
torrential rain clouds, students start to get
mildly anxious about the upcoming
quizzes and everyone starts complaining
that this year’s Grad Ball is too expensive
and won’t be as good as last year’s.
But amongst all this joy is an element of
sadness, for some of those that we know
and love will not be returning in
September. Theirs is a bold new future in
the Real World, Earning Money and
It is with heavy hearts that we bid
farewell to the following people from
OFU: David Abbott, Jayne Elliot and
learned to let it slide. In her illustrious
career she has somehow managed to
neatly side-step projection tuition (displaying foresight that most projectionists
wish they’d had). But she can always be
relied upon to offer entertaining suggestions and help with refreshments at films.
In the last year she has gained the title
“Protector of Biscuits” for her valiant
attempt to thwart one man’s hunger, that
Dave Turner (or Mad Scottish Dave as
we like to call him) has been with OFU for
only a year and yet in that short time has
become one of the regulars - always
happy to go out drinking in the name of
OFU. This year has seen the production
of OFU’s first short film in 25 years and
Dave took on the challenge of director in
David Abbott, or The Real Goatee as he
is affectionately known, joined OFU a
long, long time ago back in his fresher
week in 1997, way before the rest of us
had even considered university. In his (The results of which can be seen 7pm
time he’s been Chair, Treasurer and a on Saturday 5th May in Lecture Theatre
million other roles.
D, at OFU’s film festival.)
All three have put a considerable
Jayne Elliott spends her time playing amount of effort into OFU over the years
with chemicals when not at OFU, we’re and will be sorely missed. We wish them
not sure if this is to blame for her alterna- the best in whatever they choose to do.
tive sense of humour but we have
ous applause. A lot of cheering and stamping greeted the band's return for a triumphant 'Alice What's The Matter?' which
finished off the night in great style. The
band put on a fantastic live show. The energy pours out of frontman Tony and electrifies both crowd and atmosphere.
Terrorvision are never going to change the
musical world as we know it, but they do
provide music to get the pulse racing. Catch
them if you can. Anna Wheeler
of the manufactured pop shit currently doing
the rounds; for this alone they should be
Rock music fans should make the
effort to go and see Lowgold live, especially on small venue tours like this – I’m
sure you won’t be disappointed! Alex
Young Love, like many before it, takes a basic
premise: one man, two women, both in love
with him but he’s only in one with one of them,
the one he’s engaged to. Only there’s an
added twist here, he’s from a strict Turkish
family, his fiancé is also Turkish; his lover is a
The story revolves on a will he or won’t he
saga as Oz (the man in the middle, played by
Memhet Onur, who also wrote the play),
debates the virtues and vices of both women
with his two mates Blondy, an English jackthe-lad tart, and Kahn, a naïve shy Londonborn Turkish university student (played by Tim
Stevens and Luke Hickey respectively). These
discussions generally take place in the back
room of Oz’s kebab shop in London (a few too
many clichés perhaps), where Blondy works.
Sevim (Hannah White) is the fiancée, whose
sole purpose in life is to gossip and Christine
(Jordanna Tin) is the sassy upper-class prosti-
tute who’s just in it for the money.
Young Love does take a tried and trusted
route through the story but still manages to
work well, the play is well written although
there are a few scenes where it can be difficult
to follow as Oz, Kahn and kebab-boy Al (Ismail
Uzun) all speak in Turkish at some stage.
There are enough twists and turns to keep you
interested and although the props are minimal
the acting is good enough to supply creedance
to the plot. There are also plenty of comical
side characters (mainly played by David
Barns) to stop the play getting too heavy.
I wont give too much of the plot away
because there is talk of Young Love going on
tour, it could do well, but may struggle outside
of areas with large Turkish communities.
Young Love is both funny and culturely enriching, I’d recommend it.
by Tom Sugarman
Gossip, sex & the Universe
Caught on Camera
by Rich W
To Musty, Happy Birthday.
Here’s to many more pizzas to
come. Love from your Angles
Wednesday week 13 3pm,
Vertex Climbing Wall,
Wed 2nd May
Grant Mitchell Room 1pm
* Do you work in the Union? Were you
a Silly Angel? Are you still single?
microwaving hedgehogs and freezing
*Gemma, You will come for a surf.
Happy Birthday and hope you had a
*Their’s a hedgehog in the microwave,
has anybody seen Doc’s cheese?
*Tom W. You haven’t got a chance this
*Chops is such a sweetheart.
*I bet the taxi company can’t guess the
address of your party.
*Steve, can I play with yours instead,
I’m fed up with Matt’s it too small Sarah at her best!
*Lovebite is about and randy
Weds 9th May
1pm in 2ax01
Wed 9th May
*Who was that man on a white horse?
*Ben Mac, Sport’s God thanks for the
last two years.
*Why do humans dispise rats?
*Which minger is it this semester Luke
H? I hear the Chief Minger is single
*They’re cuddly - drunken ramblings
*Dizzy Water! Fizzy Water! Furry
*Watch out girls, Tom W is about
*The return of TNT???
*Just a half! Just a half!
Tuesday 1st May
*Well it’s goodbye from me
*And it’s goodbye from him
*The RSPCA want to have a word with
Apple Garth Avenue folks about
I’d like to tell you all that I had an
enjoyable Easter; that, during the
four weeks away from lectures and
the routines of the student life we
all experience week-in, week-out, I
had enough things to distract me from the erotic mumbling of
boredom and that at no point did I wish the holidays weren’t
quite as long as they were supposed to be.
I’d like to tell you that I didn’t have to go home and spend
some torturous days with my parents, lying to them about what
I get up to at university and wishing that maybe, by some freak
swapping accident at the hospital, they weren’t, in fact, my parents but some impostor’s who had sneaked into the maternity
ward I was happily sleeping in and stolen me under the darkness of night.
I’d perhaps like to mention to you that, whilst at home suffering the kind of mental strain Amnesty International would be
concerned about, at no time did I have to go out for a meal with
my parents and a few of their bingo chums to be served by a
one-armed waitress who was certainly of the opinion that,
even though she had a slight disadvantage in so much that
she only had one arm, she was a very good waitress and to
prove it kept coming to our table every minute or so to see “if
everything was all right”. (I’d particularly like to mention the
fact that at the bottom of the menu of this wonderful little eatery
my imposting parents had stumbled upon there was not the
option to have, and I quote, “baby boiled” to accompany all
main meals. I presume that this meant “baby boiled potato’s”
as opposed to an actual baby, because if it didn’t I would have
felt obliged to have a word if a slightly steaming 6lbs 6oz bundle of joy found its way onto my plate instead of the desired
I’d like to tell you that I couldn’t eat a thing on the evening of
Easter Sunday because my parents had shown me how much
they enjoyed me being home by peppering me with hundreds
of Easter eggs and a really big Sunday roast (which included
parsnips because they are my favourite vegetables) and that
they hadn’t instead decided to go away for the weekend, leaving me all alone in the house with nothing to eat except for a
microwavable beef curry and a half-finished pork-pie. I’d like
to say that they left the cat home, at least.
There is certainly something at the back of my reminding me
to tell you that at no point did I have any feelings of “oh-christi’ve-got-some-coursework-in-at-the-end-of-the-week-and-ihaven’t-even-started-it-yet-and-what-are-my-lecturers-goingto-say-when-i-become-the-first-student-to-blame-my-lack-ofeaster-eggs-and-hence-sustanance-as-the-reason-for-notdoing-it” going on in my head and that, of course, there wasn’t
even the slightest suggestion of guilt for not having done any
I’d like to tell you that my closest companion over the Easter
break wasn’t Gloria Hunniford on Open House in the mid-afternoon Channel 5 scheduling and that I’m probably not the
anomaly in a how-many-hours-a-week-does-the-average-person-watch-television-for-and-oh-my-god-who-is-the-freakwith-no-friends-that-says-they-watch-it-for-100-hours type survey.
I’d also like to tell you that the possibility of applying to be a
contestant on countdown and numerous other quiz/challenge
programmes didn’t enter my head and that at no point did I
think Carol Vorderman could be attractive if she just did something with her hair.
...and, of course, I don’t think there is any need for me to tell
you that at no point during the entire break did I even consider the possibility of consuming alcohol and waking up with the
sole desire to eat greasy food the next day only for it to make
its way quickly from where it came and to a near-by toilet
I think you see my point: I’d like to tell you that none of these
things were true, but the fact of the matter (and believe me
when I say ‘fact’) is that I had a shockingly bad Easter and that
frankly, I’d rather be a cow. The only thing I ask of you is this:
whenever anyone asks you how your Easter was, tell them;
don’t pretend you had a really good time and then ask them
how their Easter was - tell them your dog got run over by a fire
engine and that your mother caught you doing something with
the carcass that you shouldn’t have been doing. Tell them you
got dumped and that you hope your ex-girlfriend burns in hell.
Whatever you do, just tell them the truth and don’t leave out
any details - frankly, they deserve it for asking such a shit
question having not seen you for four weeks.;
SC S OUVENIER
H UNTING AT BUSC
For many students Easter brings a
well earned rest from lectures and
a short time to brush up on studies
in preparation for exams (in theory
at least). For Surreys finest skiers
and boarders it meant a 22 hour
coach journey to Saalbach, Austria
for the annual British University Ski
and Snowboard Championships
BUSC really isn’t kidding when it
claims the standard of racing is
second only to the nationals. To
see the likes of Edinburgh’s Blair
Aitken moving on skis is to have
good eye sight. More gimp suits,
sorry, cat suits than you can shake
a stick at. Never a bunch to say
‘No’ Surreys skiers partook in
Slalom, Giant Slalom (GS), Big Air
and King of the Mountain. Results?
Well lets just say those gimp suits
clearly make a big difference. Next
year we’ll be taking the fetish gear
:-) On the boarding front congratulations to Stuart Clowser who
steered a soft booted snowboard
into 10th in the snowboard GS.
BTW Stuart; even if you can ‘pop it
back in easily’ we’d rather you didn’t dislocate your shoulder in the
big air practice next year :-)
Gondola Club: Three of Surreys finest head back up the mountain.
Racing started at 7am, what would you expect us to look like?
1,500 mad-for-it British students
in a ski resort was never just going
to involve racing. Opening ceremony with open air concert, retro ski
wear night, back to school night,
Hawaiian night, boat racing, clubbing with DJs Brandon Block, Alex
P and John 00 Fleming, Rib Shack
night (thigh slapping, arse kicking,
bell ringing, horn blowing Austrian
madness), Shag Tag night (get a
tag then ....) and the Racers Ball to
show off your best frock all in 1
week! To top all that off, the sun
was clearly shining on Surrey
when it came to accommodation
selection. Hotel Hechenberg’s
sauna and steam rooms come
highly recommended :-)
For the hardcore BUSC was two
weeks of Flugal fueled debauchery. The first week acts as a training week in preparation for the
main racing week. Flugal? That
would be the Austrian take on
Vodka RedBull. Difference: a) it
comes in buckets, b) the RedBull is
industrial strength. Extensive
Flugal tests show you may never
sleep again and it’ll burn through
your gut way before you need to
worry about the hangover.
Souvenir hunting? Ah yes, let us
introduce a Surrey student who we
will call ‘muppet’. In a somewhat
inebriated state muppet falls on a
Colours Ball tickets are only available until tomorrow. So if you want
to party, buy your tickets now.
Well, it’s the last Barefacts for
this year, and you will surely agree
that it has been a pretty good year
for Surrey Pride. We are now
Champions in various sports. For
those that we are not at the top, we
give our best shot and everyone (in
theory) has a good time. Sports
day was a good example. Also
River Sports Day (coming soon to
a river near you) is another good
example. Even if you don’t fancy
flailing about in the River Wey,
make sure you come along and
have a laugh at everyone else
doing so. With Scruffy Murphies
just round the corner, the drinks
are close at hand as well.
Big thanks to all the sports stars
who are leaving us this year, you
will be missed. If you are still
around next year, keep it all up. In
particular thanks are very much
due to Ben “Big Mac” McCauley
who has been in charge of Surrey
Sport for the last two years.
Keep an eye out for Phased, featuring a small sport section, including a special article (and photos)
covering the Netball Teams recent
“Baps and Butts” Tour.
loose sign and decides to take said sign and attached 12 foot pole home.
Clearly not wanting a long term relationship with the sign muppet ‘hides’
the sign by hanging it off a balcony. Now he can’t see it. Unfortunately the
rest of the resort, including the man responsible for signs who lives opposite, can. Lessons for us all.
In a ITN Nightly News style: “And finally:” Will we ever agree what SC
stands for? Snowsports Club? Ski Club? Snowboard Club? Snowblade
Club? Socialising on snow Club? Sex Club? Oh er, controversial but we
like it! No I stand corrected, WE LOVE IT!!!
BUSC 2002? Can’t come soon enough.
Football Club AGM
Sunday 6th May, 6pm Grant Mitchell Room
All Football members are required to attend
H IGH K ICK T RAUMA
22nd April 2001
Event: Tae Kwon Do
No of nervous students: 5
(Jae, Espen, Vegar, Mark,
Aryan, cameraman Jason)
No of fags: countless
No of alcohol units: none
7:15am : Brrr….it’s cold and it’s
grey and we’re about to set off to
the Southern Area Novice
Championships for the kicking of
our lives. But hey, we’re too
sleepy to realise that yet.
9:30am: Conversation has been
next to nil … too busy contemplating the severe beating all of
us are going to experience. Just
to prove the point, we took a picture of the ‘before-broken-nose’
look. By the way, we have arrived
at the Littledown Leisure Centre.
10:30am: Mark (yellow belt) is
the first contestant from our team
to test the waters.
10:34am: Hurrah !! Mark survived
and secured silver with a couple
of well placed back-kicks and
axe-kicks. There is an audible
sigh of relief.
12 pm: Hmm… really fancy a BK
now as we’re all starving but
we’re all disciplined martial arts
students and we’re not eating just
to prove the point (stupid idea).
12:30 pm: Espen (Blue belt) was
next for the onslaught. He’s nervous (who’s not?) but we’re poised
and silently muttering our
prayers. After many impressive
high kicks and a well-placed
(ahem) low kick….he secured
bronze. Not bad for his first ever
competition. 2 down, 3 to
go..surely, lady luck will not
desert us now. Our confidence is
heightened to a level of frenzy.
12:45 pm: Jae’s opponent didn’t
show up !! Yessssssss!!!!! GOLD
!!! This is definitely the way forward for competitions .. hahahha.
1:30 pm: Vegar (Blue belt) is
shaking like a leaf… bless…. his
first ever competition (aka nosecrunching session). Mouths
ajar… and in total disbelief, he
won the gold medal!! His cheeky
finger gesture during the comp
earned him a stern word with the
referee…but he won!! He won!!
All’s forgotten and forgiven.
2 pm: The patterns competition
has commenced. This is when
we all strut about in our very nice
suits, doing flying kicks and back
flips not unlike the ones in Matrix.
Name & age: Simon Chappell, 22
Nickname: Sly Si
Best feature: Chat-up lines (rumour has
Ok, much slower of course, but
still. Competing with 50 other
sweaty guys, Espen got a gold
medal for his Tae-Geuk 5 and
Jae a bronze for the Tae-Geuk 8.
3 pm: Oh dear…. an announcement has been made… Jae is to
fight the organiser, Master Keith
Evans, a 5 Dan Black Belt (v.
skilled). Paramedics are called.
Colour drained from Jae’s face.
Oh no, it gets better, people gather around the ring to watch the
match. Dejavu of Gladiator.
3:15pm: Drum roll……the fight
between Jae and Master Evans
has started. After a very gruelling
4 minutes (felt like 4 hours!!) of
continuous kicks of various sorts,
each trying to outdo the other, the
gold medal was awarded to
Master Evans, with a very happy
Jae having survived a competition with a 5th Dan. Phew !!
6 pm: Chancellors with a well
deserved beer with our coach,
Master Nam (thanks a lot for
everything!). Grins all round. It’s
been a long day but the final
punchline was delivered by
Vegar when he realised his Gold
medal was in fact a rather dulllooking bronze!!
7 pm: Back pats and handshakes
all round for the glorious results
of achieving 2 gold, 2 silver and 2
bronze medals amongst the 4
Tae Kwon Do ass-kicking students from University of Surrey.
For more info or to join our club,
send me an email ([email protected]) or come to one of our
training sessions, Mondays 68pm, Studio Room, Campusport.
Barefacts is a publication of the
highest standards and the Sports
pages in particular have never
featured any material of a sexual
or generally offensive nature. I
therefore will make no mention of
the fact that I finally got Susie ‘Q’
in the sack. Other gems from the
races were wipeouts and the odd
inevitable bit of cheating and
everyone was well aware that
Bernie loved getting tied to a
bloke. A little latter some Animal
bet her a fiver that she wouldn’t
get off with him so she made a
tidy profit. Dep Ed rushed off to
the cash machine and is
rumoured to now be wondering
round the Union trying to place
£100 bets. I might be joining him
From the Barefacts team point
of view, the words utter and
humiliation spring to mind.
Maybe it wasn’t that bad, but we
did end up in the bottom half. Our
custom t-shirts also turned out a
bit crap. The fact that we had
black t-shirts and were then trying
to stick black print onto them, didn’t quite work.
Ultimate (Frisbee) team members
at least we won our “Ultimate”
match, with team captain
it he is still single however – Sports Ed)
What you look for in a man or women:
Attractive and easy (going)!
Availability: Well, I wouldn’t turn Jennifer
Lopez away if she knocked on the door!
Favourite position (this question applies
to relevent sports only – no innuendo
intended honestly): On top!! (of a wave)
S PORTS D AY
The first Sports Day for the last
few years was a resounding success and is sure to be repeated
next year. Somewhat miraculously, the rain held of all day and
although it was cool to say the
least, the elements could have
been a lot worse. Raising money
for charity, Sports Day was also
great as a comprehensive warmup for Silly Night which most of
you went onto after camping out
in the Varsity bar for “a little”
Sports Day turned out to be a lot
less strenuous than I had expected (thank God). The Fun Run
consisted of a couple of laps of
the Astroturf pitch and if that was
too much, you could walk it.
Points were awarded merely for
turning up and walking round in a
couple of circles. Was it all going
to be this easy going? When
sacks and lengths of rope were
laid out on the line, it looked as if
it would. Yes, sack and three-leg
races were next on the itinerary.
The highlight here had to be
Susie Westwell getting in a sack
that was big enough to threaten to
cover her head (or should that be
Susie who was small enough for
the sack…) As you are all aware,
Best thing about your sport: Getting wet
Worst thing about your sport: Flooded
Best single moment in your sporting life:
Not drowning at Hurley weir whilst on 3
Ultimate sporting dream: To become
Anna Kournikova’s ball boy
Worst injury: Torn ligaments
Lovebite making a guest appearance on the scoresheet. From a
personal point of view, the above
two words do apply. I think I was
starting to go down at the time,
but even so, the fact that after two
minutes on the hockey pitch I was
half way to having a heart attack
was a bit embarrassing. The tennis matches were varied. We
were comprehensively thrashed
in one (again I was playing here),
but were winning the other two
until the two Toms (Sugarman +
Wells) decided that the Ed and
Duputy Ed were clearly not up to
the job (despite winning) and
thought it was time for s substitution. The end result for tennis
was three comprehensive thrashings. How many aces did Tom W
let through after receiving three
All in all a great day down the
Varsity and for most you I’m sure
you had a great night down the
Union latter. Lucy Andrews certainly made a fortune selling carrots from a certain local supermarket for discounted entry and
cheap drinks at Silly Night where
top prize went to the Cowgirl and
Angel barmaid duo. Straying
even further away from Sports
Day, we also got the pleasure to
see some gunging and flan flinging courtesy of the Phantom. I
had a great time getting Fiona
Wareham wet and Adam
Jakeway got a good soaking as
Surf Club Trips + Events
Sporting idol: Colin McRae (world rally
Most embarrassing sporting moment:
Walking into Bo’s in arm-bands (after ’98
club x-mass meal)
Tip: Always wash your hands afterwards
Hidden aspects to your sport: Legs
Worst fear: Being Rugby tackled by Ben
Chancellors or Roots: Chancellors
You in three words:
Sponsored Swim, Joss Bay 6th-7th,
SAS Surf Tour - Swansea 12-14th,
SAS Ball 7-9 September + loads more