Sefer Zikaron - Community Synagogue of Monsey

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Rebbetzin Sifra Tendler
miyelyd mei lbxl
g‰qyz oeygxn g‰kl xe`
This Booklet was prepared in loving memory of
our dear and beloved Savta
‫האשה מרת‬
‫שפרה בת מרן הגאון רבי משה ע"ה‬
‫טנדלר‬
May the ‫ חיזוק‬and inspiration gained from this
book be an ‫ עליה‬for her ‫נשמה‬..
‫לרגל שלושים דפטירתה‬
‫כ"ח חשון תשס"ח‬
Table of Contents
Part One: Reflections on the occasion of Savta's 80th birthday
Page 1
Page 2
Page 3
Page 4
Page 5
Page 6
Page 8
Page 9
Rebbetzin Michelle Tendler
Mrs. Shira Teichman
Mrs. Leah Charner
Mrs. Rachel Rosner
Mrs. Rivka Recht
Ms. Tzipora Tendler
Ms. Ariella Tendler
Aharon Yosef Tendler
Part Two: Hespedim from Savta's ‫לויה‬
Page 13
Page 16
Page 17
Page 20
Page 21
Page 23
Page 25
Hagaon Rav Moshe Dovid Tendler Shlita
Dr. Yaakov Tendler Shlita
Rabbi Mordecai Tendler Shlita
Rabbi Aaron Tendler Shlita
Rabbi Hillel Tendler Shlita
Rabbi Eliyahu Dan Tendler Shlita
Hagaon Rav Reuven Feinstein Shlita
Part Three: Stories told during Shiva
Page 29
Page 30
Page 35
Page 36
Page 36
Page 39
Page 40
Page 41
Savta the Nurse
Savta the Foundation of Chessed
The Impression Savta Made Non Jews
Savta's Terrific Sense of Humor
Savta's Sensitivity and Assorted Comments Heard During Shiva
Savta: Everyone’s Friend
Savta’s Strength
Hamodia article
Part Four: Reflections about Savta, From Family and Friends
Page 45
Page 49
Page 50
Page 51
Page 52
Page 53
Page 55
Rabbi Aaron Tendler Shlita
Mrs. Sara Oren
Mrs. Rachel Rosner
Mrs. Bella Kaufman
Mrs. Rivka Recht
Mrs. Sara Shoff
Yosef Fried
Page 56
Page 58
Page 58
Page 59
Page 60
Page 61
Page 61
Page 62
Page 63
Page 64
Page 65
Page 66
Page 67
Page 68
Rebbetzin Mashinsky
Rabbi/Dr. Zevulin Lieberman
Rabbi Mordecai Wolmark
TD Katz
Mrs. Rivka (Mashinsky) Kaplan
Mrs. Grunfeld
Anonymous
Mrs. Paula Markowitz
Rabbi Dovid Eisenman
Rabbi Simon Lauber
Dr. Aaron Rapoport
Mrs. Shirley Bersson
Mrs. Draisy Behrend
Mrs. Rivka Recht
Part Five: ‫ קונטרס הנהגות והלכות על עניני אבילות‬- Halachos and
Minhagim from Hagaon Rav Moshe Feinstein on the Laws of
Aveilus
Pages: 71 – 80
Credits:
Cover: Ms. Rikki Tendler
Picture: Mrs. Esky Cook,
Cook, photographer
(for additional copies, please call 410410-653653-9311)
9311)
Part One: The Birthday Wishes - Compiled by Ms. Tzipora Tendler
Part Two: The Hespedim – Transcribed and Typed by Ms. Tzipora Tendler
Part Three: The Shiva Stories – Compiled and Typed by Mrs. Rivka Recht
Part Four: The Reflections on Savta Compiled
Compiled and Typed by Mrs. Brocha Sheiner
and Mrs. Rivka Recht
Part Five: Halachos and Minhagim from Hagaon Reb Moshe Feinstein Ztz"l –
Transcribed and Typed by Reb Sholom Cha
Chaim Tendler from the notes of Rabbi
Mordech
Mordechai Tendler Shlita.
Pagination and Printing – R’ Yakov Shafranovich and Mr. Tzvi Wygoda at Bais
Yakov of Baltimore
PART ONE:
ONE:
REFLECTIONS ON THE OCCASION OF
SAVTA'S 80th BIRTHDAY
(‫)שמיני עצרת תשס"ח‬
It was many and many a year ago,
Thirty-one to be exact,
That I entered Mom's kitchen,
And still feel the impact.
Mom embraced me with love,
Whether deserving or not,
Mom exemplifies the perfect wife,
She defers to Daddy a lot.
What does it mean to be?
The daughter of a queen,
Whose home is her castle,
And to her- family is supreme.
Mom hosted our family, nearly every Yom
Tov.
And bought matching Pesach dresses.
Mom served lunch every Friday.
And enjoyed the nachas even with the
messes.
To learn from Mom every minute,
Seeing her run to Mrs. Frankel to give
a shot,
Visiting Pearl Stern until her last day,
The impact is still felt a lot.
Morah Blanka described a bridal
shower
Where mom gave away her own new
dress
To be mesameach the kallah,
It was generosity at its best.
Mom is a Rebbetzin par excellence,
Chesed is her passion,
Mom's kind caring words,
Displays her great human compassion.
My greatest Hakaras Hatov,
For nurturing Mordecai,
Into a person of great compassion,
To emulate you he does try.
Mom showed me how to write yom tov
menus,
And how to fold a fitted sheet,
She showed me how to bake challa by
hand,
And how to give of yourself complete.
Mom never failed to compliment,
Each week, my gefilte fish,
Whether it came out good or not,
Mom gave brachos and good wishes.
Just watching Mom is a lesson,
Every waking second,
Mom musters some hidden strength,
To smile to a nurse or to beckon.
Bas Shmonim L'Gevurah,
Mom's strength of character shines
through,
Mom has passed many difficult tests,
Her bitachon, in us she imbues.
On this Shmini Atzerses,
To you Mom we declare our love,
And Hakaras Hatov for enhancing our
lives,
We give thanks to the one above.
B'ahavas Lev V'nefesh Mordechai and
Michelle
-1-
Dearest Rebbetzin Tendler,
I have always felt that our own family should make our own personal Yom Tov to
celebrate the momentous day that Yudi walked into your husband's shiur. Little did we
know the life long impact that encounter would have on Yudi, myself our children, and
even extended mishpachas. And yet, as privileged as I have always felt to have crossed
with you and your illustrious family, I consider myself a little girl with her face pressed
up against the glass pane of a beautiful window display. How magical has our
experience been all these years, and how grateful we are to have watched and learned
from all of you throughout.
As I was equally fortunate to hear about your 80th birthday, I wanted to take the
opportunity to wish you our deepest and heartfelt brachos on this milestone.
Sheyimaleh Hashem Kol Mishalos Libech Litovah. I would also like to personally
thank you for extending your most generous friendship to me. Your gracious words
and perhaps undeserved compliments are forever locked away in my treasured box of
memories. Even though we were unable to keep our "date" last winter due to inclement
weather, I have always imagined that we had gone out and had a most glorious time
together.
So many of our meetings seemed to revolve around a simcha, be it a Bris, a Bar
Mitzvah, and certainly many a Chasunah! AS we are on the verge of Ahron Yosef's
Bar Mitzvah, we wish you a Mazel Tov, on this next family celebration. I distinctly
remember Rav Mordecai's Drasha from Ahron Yosef's bris- that if you "add" to Ahron,
you get to Moshe. Birishus, it is our Brocha that Ahron should "add" to all of Klal
Yisroel as he strives to reach his fullest potential as an Eved Hashem.
All our Love,
Shira and Yudi Teichman
Elliot, Elan, Ezra, & Etamar
-2-
Dearest Savta,
Together with Saba, You are our Sun.
Our Center.
Warm, Giving, Spreading Rays of Sunshine.
Your children revolve around you like the different Planets, each one is unique,
beautiful, and special.
Savta, You are our Queen.
Regal and Refined.
Our "Aim Hamalchus" Like your namesake "Shifra" about whom the Pasuk Says
"Vayas Lahem Batim"
and Rashi explains "Batei Kehuanh and Batei Malchus" Homes of Royalty and
Leadership.
Your Home is a Royal one and You and Saba serve as Leaders of Klall Yisroel as do
your Children and Grandchildren.
Savta, A True Daughter of G-D.
You devote your life to Torah and Mitzvos.
You taught us what is important by example.
Even after 58 years K"H you could not hide the pride in your voice when you said
"Saba is in Yeshiva" or "Saba is giving a Shiur"
Savta, Humble beyond words. Never seeking any honor for yourself....always
giving....warm rays of joy and hope.... like the Sun.....like a Queen...Like a true Eved
Hashem.
Savta We Love You More Than Words and We Are So Very Proud to be your
Grandchildren.
All our Love,
Shlomo and Leah,
Sima, Chaya Miriam, Yackov Chaim and Yocheved
-3-
AROUND SAVTAS TABLE
Many and many hours I have spent
Throughout my years gone by
Around the table in Savta’s kitchen
The hours seem to fly.
Friday afternoon visits
An island in a hectic day
Sitting around the table
Savta listening to what we say.
Eating a snack around the table
Kugel or French fries to name just a few
Filling Savta in
On what in our lives was new.
Around the table we got valuable advice
And honest critique on our latest culinary creation
Savta ran a family and community
From her round table head quarter station.
Always exactly the right size
No matter how many people around it do sit
On every family simcha
Around the table shabbos afternoon is highlight of the visit.
On this momentous occasion
Our birthday bracha to you we share
Wishing you health, nachas and all good things
And may you host family and friends around your table often this year.
With love,
Avi, Rachel, Shlomo Menachem, Sara Leah, Yosef Ephraim, & Yocheved
-4-
Dearest Savta,
Happy Birthday! Ad Meah Viesrim Shanim Tovim!
I find it so interesting that your years can be counted, today you are BH, 80
years old, and may you have Arichas Yomim! Years, Savta, can be counted, but I want
to write to you about something that can’t be counted.
The things that can’t be counted are the things that make you the most
beloved Savta to all of us privileged to be your grandchildren. I want to speak about
the count-less. Savta you epitomize countless. Countless visits, and countless lessons.
Lessons on how to make the proper potato kugel and how to wash pots and fold linen.
Lessons geared to a kindergarten child, a young adult of bar/bas mitzvah or a newly
married person. Rich lessons, warm lessons countless Savta lessons.
Countless dresses, countless gifts and countless giving. Monetary and more
importantly countless support. You always seem to know who needed that extra smile
or the extra compliment. You, Savta, have countless sensitivity.
Countless Savta advice. Countless and priceless as well. With your famous
beginning, “I’m your grandmother if I don’t tell you…no one will” and then followed
the precious advice cloaked in softness and gentleness. Countless advice and countless
soft words.
Countless Erev Shabbos visits. Filled with countless kugels, drinks and love.
Countless times of sharing our week with each other. And countless candies.
Countless meals Savta! Yom Tov and Shabbos you always have countless
company in the form of friends, shul members, and most of all family. Countless
family BH! There you were Savta, making countless soup, fish and chicken, while
doing countless other things to ensure that your company and family would be truly
comfortable.
Countless hugs and kisses. Countless laughs and tears. Countless things that
count.
And now, Savta I see even more. “Shmonim Lagivurah” is so appropriate for
you , for you possess countless countless countless strength. Countless Emunah and
Bitachon, and countless courage.
I in turn, have countless love, admiration, and respect for you Savta. In so
many countless ways you have taught me, and indeed all those who know and love you,
what it means not to count the days, but to make each day count, and countless.
May Hashem bless you with countless more wonderful healthy happy years,
where you can, in Minuchas Hanefesh reap from the beautiful fruits that you have
sowed.
I love you so much Savta. My countless Savta.
Always,
Yehoshua and Rivka
-5-
Dear Savta,
As I sit here thinking of what to write to you for your birthday, so many different
memories come to mind. I ask myself- how could one person mean so much and do so
much for so many? I can't possibly know the answer, in truth, I don't fully
comprehend the question, because I know that what I know of all that you've done and
accomplished is merely the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more to the whole
picture. So I write this to you knowing that whatever I write is insufficient.
I remember how we would come to your house every Friday. It didn't matter that you
had to prepare something for us in addition to all your cooking for Shabbos, it didn't
matter that we would make a mess, drop crumbs on the floor, and leave dirty dishes, it
didn't matter when we showed up just an hour or two before Shabbos...you made us
feel like we did you a favor by coming, in truth it was the opposite. Coming to see you
and Sabba each Friday was the highlight of our week. You would listen to us talk
about our weeks, and you would remember to ask about what we had told you the week
before. You always noticed a new haircut, a pretty shirt, a nice necklace...Then when it
was time to leave, you would say, "Don't worry about the mess- go, I'll clean up." You
would ooh and ah over each new creation we brought to you for Shabbos. You would
taste each thing, tell us how delicious it is, and say, "Oh, I shouldn't have cooked for
Shabbos!" Everything we made- from optional cake to ratatouille (which we only found
out by accident from somebody else that you don't actually like) was exclaimed over
and appreciated.
I remember how you would shop. You would know when Macy's was having their 50%
off discount, combine it with your 30% off Rebbetzin discount, and a 30% off
coupon, and by the time you finished, they owed you money. You shopped for
grandchildren, great grandchildren, nieces... you bought countless things to send to
Eretz Yisrael and stored them in your special "packing room" until the next trip.
I remember you always doing for others. Visiting people in hospitals and nursing
homes, sending over food to people for Shabbos, calling lonely people.... you always
knew who needed what.
I remember how you always kept your freezer stocked with candies, cakes, nuts,
desserts...before each of my sister's vorts you would empty out your stash and thereby
cater the vort. And then you'd start saving up again for the next one. (Keep saving, we
hope to have another one soon!!!! :)
I remember when Bella had a baby, and my mother went to Eretz Yisrael. You called
and said that you were bringing over supper. We said that it wasn't necessary, but you
insisted. You arrived at out house with a four course meal, complete with soda, pickles,
rolls, soup. and dessert. (Not to mention the main course and several side dishes.)
When we called later that night to thank you, you said, "I'm glad you liked it. I'll bring
supper again tomorrow." And you did.
-6-
I remember a month after I got my driver's license, I was in a car accident and my car
was totaled. I went home very shaken up. You came over as soon as you heard about it
and brought along with you a box of chocolate, hugs, kisses, and encouragement. And
I remember you said, "You will need to drive again. Come, you can drive somewhere in
my car and I'll come with you- wherever you want, or if you want, you can borrow my
car. " I remember thinking that only Savta would do that- I had just gotten in an
accident and was feeling very un-confident about my driving- and you knew that
exactly what I needed was to hear that you were willing to let me drive your car- that
gave me the confidence to start driving again after the accident.
I remember When I came home from seminary last year for Sara's wedding, I had
missed you so much and was so looking forward to seeing you. You arrived at the
wedding and I was watching you greet people. You were wearing a beautiful outfit and
black lace gloves. You stood there regally accepting the Mazel Tovs and reciprocating
with good wishes. I remember looking at you and thinking, "Savta is a queen. So
regal, so calm, so elegant, so beautiful."
I had the zchus to spend time visiting with you this summer. You listened to me talk,
you gave me advice, and you taught me so much. You taught me the definition of true
strength, you taught me the meaning of acceptance of Hashem's will, you taught me
about the power of love.
Savta, you mean so much to me. You are my grandmother. You are my role model.
You are my queen.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
AD MEAH V'ESRIM SHANA!
I love you so much!
-Tzipora
-7-
My Hero, My grandmother:
Throughout life people wonder
What it means to be a hero
And if, one day, they too will be one
Someone admired, someone special
Someone emulated, someone adored
And they wonder if, when the moment comes,
they'll seize the moment and take the chance
And be the hero everyone can be-if they try.
What does it mean to be a hero?
Rescuing a neighbor from a burning building?
Hiding wartime fugitives?
Helping runaway slaves?
My Savta can tell you
Because she is one- a hero
Doing things with superhuman ability
Surpassing the norm
And throughout it all
Remaining graceful and regal and beautiful
I admire her so much,
this special woman
I try so hard to emulate her beauty and her grace
And I adore her, this queen, this woman, this... hero
So then what is a hero?
It's someone looking to save someone else's day
A do-gooder, handling matters with kindness and generosity
So next time you see someone in need
Seize the moment and take the chance
be like MY heroMy grandmother.
Savta.
-8-
The Mishna in Avos says "ben Shmonim L'Givurah."
Rashi says "Kilomer, as if to say, it's a big thing if a person lives until
eighty,"
For it is written in the posuk "And if with strength, a person lives until
eighty".
Because, if he lives more than eighty, it is with the strength of Hashem
that he is living,
and not his own personal koach (strength).
Mazel Tov, Savta!
You have now reached the age where you are living on Hashem's strength.
And Hashem's strength is eternal.
Happy Birthday Savta!
I love you.
Love,
Ahron Yosef
-9-
- 10 -
PART TWO:
TWO:
HESPEDIM FROM SAVTA'S LA
LAVAYAH
VAYAH:
VAYAH:
- 11 -
- 12 -
‫מורינו זקנינו שליט"א‬
Aishes Chayil.....Its my turn for "Balah Vayihlilah." I'll tell you something
about my wife. Tanchuma on this weeks sedra "Aleh toldos noach noach ish tzadik, es
Haelokim hishalech Noach" Three times Noach's name is mentioned. Tanchuma says
it represents a rare life experience. "Lamah gimel p'amim noach? Echad shlosha
shreuh shlosha olamos. " Noach was one of the three biblical figures who lived through
three worlds. Noach, Daniel and Iyov. "Noach ra'ah olam byishuvo, ra'ah olam
bchurbano, and ra'ah olam byishuvo." A 100 yrs before the mabul, the world was
settled. the mabul destroyed the world, and then Noach participated in rebuilding the
world.
I surmise that my life, like many, also was triphasic. I was a bachur in my
parents home - zichronam lbracha - settled world- no problems- as my children would
always refer to them as Zaidy Issak and Bubby Bella, zchronam lbracha. They took
care of everything.
But it wasn't really "yishuvo". It was only hachana liyushuv, a prepatory world.
"Al ken yazov ish es aviv ves imo." I left that world. To make a world of my own with
Sifra, alehah hashalom. Birth of children and grandchildren. And this morning at
5:40, my world came crashing down. My private world. B"H I have the world of my
family. But "Ein Isha mesah ela l'balah". My private world disappeared, My family
surrounded me with love and respect, our world is secure. But my world, a glorious
wonderful world of excitement and contentment and much pride...is no more.
As I went over the daf yomi I remembered something from Yevamos,
"Amar...kal adam shein lo isha sharuy blo simcha, blo bracha , blo torah, ....... blo
choma." In E"Y they add, "For the absence of good and joy and blessing, also no wall
of protection, no defensive wall." Maharsha says on choma, "she'mishamarto min
hacheit." She saves him from sinning him with other woman, because he has a wife.
The Maharsha didn't know my wife. Choma means much more than that. Sifra
shielded me and protected me from errors of omission and commission here in this
kehilla. It's not nice to admit sins after Yom Kippur, but as you know I did other
things then be Rav in this Kehilla. its hard to keep track of what the kehilla duties are.
It was Sifras job to do so. made sure I made the right calls and the right visits. So the
kehilla could function. For indeed, this kehilla was run by a Rabanit, not by a Rav.
With our beloved friends of the sisterhood she conducted the Rabanit of this kehilla so
I could spend some of my time and energy with my students at Yeshiva University.
That's what "Batach Bah Lev Balah" means. I depended on her. Full trust in her
integrity, her sense of fairness and righteousness, a commitment to the values that we
shared before and after our marriage. I remember the many discussions before and
soon after our marriage what direction we would take. We discussed our dreams and
goals of we were yet will achieve. Firstly, we thought of an arrangement on our
interpersonal relationship. As our friends know we lived a life of full equality. A kind
of autonomy and independence that didn't violate any sense of intimacy, though
certainly within the bounds of strict halacha.
- 13 -
But Sifra had a mind of her own. A fine mind. Her mind was devoted to
chesed. I don't know how many of the guests know that at the age of 50 she decided
that she hadn't done anything for humanity and heard from a member of the
community, Marty Gotell alav hashalom, that in the hell hole called "Bronx-Lebanon
Hospital" there were old Jews who are mistreated by the staff. And she took the job
there for ten years and would make rounds every night as if she was head of the
hospital to make sure that the Jewish patients were taken care of.
Her involvement in tzedaka. The bank always worried, what do we do that we
ordered so many checkbooks. Baruch Hashem, G-d was good to us and we were able to
help. It was her job to distribute the monies that HKB"H gave us for distribution. .
Her concurrence in my career. I chose a career that isn't supposed to give you a decent
livelihood. I wanted to teach Torah and I wanted to be involved in science. We married
in 1948 and in 1949 I took my first shiur at the Yeshiva. Then In 1957 I got my
doctorate from Columbia. Those eight years were terrible years for Sifra. I wasn't
home. I was in Yeshiva till 3:00. I was in the beis midrash till 6:00. And I went to
Columbia to the laboratory. And came home 2, 3 o'clock in the morning every single
night. That's where I did the doctoral work. And she was home alone B"H then with
five children, knowing that this is what we wanted to accomplish.
HKB"H was kind to us and somehow with my involvements income was
plentiful. We never had a problem of finances. The yeshiva was always very gracious. It
was her responsibility. I deposited the money and it was her responsibility to make it
last for whatever purposes we intended. She raised children, "Venivrichu bicha
mishpichos ha'adma" that have earned the respect and love of so many people. I have
often noted that in davening we fail to accurately translate the words chosen by our
Sages. "Al nisecha shebchal yom imanu, val niflosecha vtovosecha shebchal es erev
vavoker vtzaharaim." We say it three times a day. Nissim-you need Hashems active
performance of miracles to live a normal life in this complex society.
Aishes Chayli mi yimtza? Batach Bah lev balah. What does it mean "batach
bah lev balah?" Let me translate those four words for you. Gemara in kesubas- critical
gemara in evidentiary proof, tells a story of a din torah on daf peh hay in the beis din
of Rava. His wife was the daughter of Rav Chisda. She was in attendance at one of the
dinei torah and she volunteered information which declared one of the litigants as
untrustworthy, and Rava accepted her testimony. At a subsequent din torah. Rav
Papah, a colleague of Rava, offered testimony declaring a document as forged. And
Rava answered to him "Your testimony is of no value. We don't accept the testimony
of only one witness." "Al pi shnaim eideim yakum davar" Do you have anyone else with
you?" To which Rav Adah bar Abba, who was also there complained, "At the last din
torah you accepted testimony of your wife, a woman, one witness. And now you refuse
a testimony of Rav Papah?" Rava answered, "bas Rav Chisda, kim li b'gabah, Mar lo
kim li bgabah, My wife I know. Rav Papa I don't know." He's another good Jew but he
isn't my wife."
What kind of an answer was that? That's the answer of Batach Bah Lev balah.
What he answered was a halachaik principle. A judge rules on what he knows. When
my wife speaks I know. It isn't a witness testifying. Its a yediah- a knowledge that I
now have because we are one. When she speaks I know, therefore it isn't another
- 14 -
person. There's identity here between myself and my wife.
I too can make that statement. "Kin li gabbah, not the daughter of Rav
Chisda, but the daughter of Rav Moshe." I know who she is. I was part of her. and she
part of me. And part of me died this morning at 5:40 a.m.
I must express my hakars hatov. It was a long illness. HKB"H made a miracleshe suffered from lymphoma and she was cured. 100% cured to the point that the
doctors said to take out that port that she had for access, we'll never need it again.
Unfortunately, six months later it came back, more vicious than before, more
aggressive than before. Life was very difficult. I made believe and I did normal thingswent to Yeshiva- but it was a difficult time and the people at Good Samaritan hospital
made it much easier. People with great chesed, compassionate, expert care. The nurses
from top to bottom. Unique individuals. The administration of the hospital were
particularly courteous. I was a member of the board for six years. Camile and Sister
Fran. And all of the nurses. I don't remember all already. The head of the hospital:
Michal Schneider. My son could fill in because we set a policy that my wife was never
alone without a member of the family 24 hours a day, and we got to know the nurses.
There was Rachel of Chinese descent, a fabulous human being, Annie, Irane, Kim,
Gladys- all of them truly compassionate individuals besides being wonderfully well
trained. I leaned what intensive care means- intensive caring. Then, of course, the
medical staff. My son ran and had an overview of everything. Dr. James Israel- a
fabulous ben torah, brilliant physician and a true friend who was always there before we
needed him, and his activities were mekadesh shem shamayim among the staff
members in the hospital. The medical staff- some of you know we decided to stay local
to make use of consultants and private staff. If this voice is recorded, its only proper to
mention: Dr Rader, Dr Robolova, Dr. Kamovowsky, Dr Lumberg- people who
practiced medicine with true humanity. A special yasher koach to Dr. Aaron
Rappoport, zuhl gezunt zein, a fabulous physician in Baltimore (at the University of
Maryland). I never called him, but a hardly a week went by when he didn't call me to
find out how things are doing.
And the special special chesed of Bikur Choilim. I saw them in action.
Providing food and lodging, candles for Shabbos. but more than that present at all
occasions to let you know if you need anything just ask. I must recognize the special
friendship of Rabbi Lauer zaigezunt as an example of what bikur cholim should be as
an act of chesed.
Now the next stage comes in. This was balah vayihalilah. Now I'd like to act
my sons zalgezuntzine "kamu vanehah vyashruhah," to ask my sons those who can,
can meaning not able, but can emotionally, to share some short comments, I'd take it
most to heart. To let you know what Sifra has accomplished in this world. Tehei
Zichra Brucha!
- 15 -
Dr. Yaakov Tendler shlita
I look around at the sea of faces filling this room and realize that one beautiful
face is missing. “Vai Lhai Shofra D’baley B’arah.”
On Parshas Chaya Sara we read, “Vayavo Avraham L’spod Lsarah vlivkosah.”
Where was Yitzchak? Why wasn’t he also eulogizing his mother? The answer is that
he couldn’t say a hesped for Sara Imeinu. How could a son give an assessment of a
mother who could raise an olah temima? One who is willing to sacrifice his life for the
tzivuy Hashem! Her greatness defies description.
How can I begin to describe Mommy? Hareini kaparas meshkava. It would be
like a person trying to describe the sun. It is so bright that it blinds your eyes. All one
can say is that the sun gives light and warmth, and whatever grows, grows because of
it. So too with Mommy, she spread light and warmth and cheer, and whatever grew in
our family grew because of her. Her chesed, her mitzvos, her genuine concern for each
and every person was constant. The way she did kibud av va’em to her parents and inlaws, taught us how to respect and care for our parents.
The way she embraced each member of our family, where a son-in-law is
treated and loved as a son, and a daughter-in-law as a daughter- this showed us how to
relate to our own children.
Mommy had a wonderful live. She grew up in the home of the gadol hador and
was later privileged to marry Daddy and to raise our wonderful family. A little more
than a year ago she was diagnosed with the terrible disease, lymphoma, which she
battled till this morning. She had her ups and her downs. We thank HKB”H for each
day we were privileged to have her presence.
These last two weeks, since the day after Yom Kippur, were difficult days for
her. The physical world became more and more uncomfortable, with more and more
medical complications.
I would ask to use a homiletic license, to apply a passuk from this week’s parsha to
describe the end of Mommy’s life. “V’lo matzah Hayonah manoach l’kaf raglav.”
Mommy was a beautiful white dove- a pure neshama who was sent out to this rough
world. But the time came when the dove could no longer find a comfortable place for
herself. “Vatashev Alav el Ha’tevah.” So she returned to the Ribono shel Olam. “Ki
mayim al pinei kal ha’aretz.” Because the entire physical world was no longer
hospitable. “Vayishlach Yado Vayikachehah.”. And Hashem stretched out His arm
and took her back. “Vayavo ito elav, el hatevah.” And brought her beautiful neshama
back to Him, on board the great ship.
Mommy, you are now back on board the ship with HKB”H. You are not
alone! “Gam ki elech, b’gai tzalmaves, lo irah rah, ki atah imadi.” We will miss you.
We will never forget you. Tehei Neshmasa Tzrura B’tzror HaChaim.
- 16 -
Rabbi Mordech
Mordechai Tendler shlita
In general it's difficult for a son to eulogize his mother. It's specifically difficult
for anybody to adequately eulogize an isha gedola- a tzedekes- like our mother- hareini
kaparas mishkava. My mother was a true queen, and it is difficult to understand the
nature of royalty. Personally, its difficult to overcome the torrent of emotions that
have been formed the last several months as myself, Michelle, my siblings and their
spouses almost moved into the hospital. Every minute that we spent in Good
Samaritan was an extraordinary privilege for us.
There's another level of emotions specific to myself and Michelle and our
children. We were in the process of celebrating tomorrow night our only son's bar
mitzva. Yesterday my mother was feeling a little better and I had occasion to sit in the
hospital quietly next to her and to write a sermon for the bar mitzva.
A sermon that won't be said; and now reminiscent to the scene described in
Vayikra Rabah, parsha chaf, medrash gimel: it's nehepach misimcha lyagon, and I
needed to spend time this morning preparing a hespid.
My grandfather used to say, and there's a famous story from gedolei achronim,
that its difficult to say an adequate eulogy by the funeral, perhaps by the shloshim you
could put it across. Because it’s really prohibited to think about what you would say,
prior to the person's petirah. I think myself, my father shlita, and my siblings were very
careful about that. This morning almost till the last minute none of us gave us hope.
We weren't thinking of eulogizing her.
The parsha begins, the passuk my father shlita mentioned, "Eleh toldos Noach,
Noach ish tzadik." The medrash raba in parsha lamed, medrash hay, records that the
major attribute of noach was that he was noach- he was an extraordinarily gentle
person.
"Nicha lo latzmo, nicha lolam.....nicha l'avos, nicha l'banim." The charedim
records that we exist today, that Noach merited to save the universe, because "k'shmo
ken hu." He was the epitome of noach- he was the most extraordinarily gentle and
compassionate person the world had seen. To a discernable degree, as my father very
eloquently described some of the scenes, and Yaakov and others, my mother excelled in
this trait of being noach, not coincidently she was niftar in the parsha of noach. Who
knows how many worlds she saved?
She acted with such royal dignity and gentleness in all that she did. She
received everybody with sweetness, with a smile, with a good word. Never was rushed
"nicha lah." She was never impatient. She never complained. She accepted all that she
went through with a great sense of love to Hashem. She didn't want anyone to feel
that their life wasn't a pleasant life, so she kept the pain to herself as much as she
could.
Throughout the course of life, Yacov mentioned that she basically had good
health. She had occasions when her health wasn't so good. She had a pacemaker put
in. We found out about the pacemaker almost a year later. She wouldn’t tell us that
she was getting a pacemaker put in. She also had a spine operation that she didn't tell
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us about. The dignity and the majesty she expressed in the course of this illness is
beyond description.
The gemara deliberates whether the purpose of a eulogy is to give honor to the
living or to the deceased. From the perspective of the living, it's important to
emphasize the extraordinary love and dedication of my father, shlita. My father
thanked everyone for what they did for my mother, but it was a clear consensus of the
medical staff and nursing staff that they never met someone like my father before.
What he pulled across, his deliberations, with the genius of his mind to keep my
mother alive was truly astonishing.
The effort and the love of all my siblings and their spouses, from my
perspective, especially Michelle, is truly astonishing also. People gave up their lives. My
sister Russi gave up her job for a while, my sisters Rivka and Sara came in from Israel.
My brother Aron practically moved in. Hillel kept driving in from Baltimore. Eli Dan
kept leaving his office, and of course Yaacov and Yael were always present. There was
no life; all we had was my mother.
My mother's grandchildren also were extraordinarily unique. Those who are
present here: Ariella and Tzipora from my family, Ester from Yaakov's, Dina Bella
from Aron's, the boys to a lesser degree, kept coming to my mother and cheering her
up, telling her stories. Ahron Yosef spent formidable amounts of time writing down
unique and original jokes to tell my mother. My daughters came in from Eretz Yisrael,
Leah, Rachel, Bella Shoshana, Rivka, Sara....My sons in law, Yehoshua, and
Elchanan. They thought they came for a bar mitzva, but they came for a levaya.
Indeed my mother returned to consciousness just the day my daughters arrived. My
sisters thought it was min hashamayim, she deliberately brought herself back to be able
to speak to them a little bit, one last chizuk
In terms of yekar d'shchiva, in addition to what I already said, I followed the
suggestion of the Sforno on Koheles, perek 12, passuk 5, which says that to define the
essence of a person, one should listen to what other people say and collate it togetherfind some unifying theme. I'll record some of these recollections. My mother was
always tremendously proud of my father. My mother was a true partner to my father.
she may have been the great woman behind the great man but they really had a
partnership. They were a team. It's unique to see a couple that's such a team.
Especially a couple of such strong willed personalities. They ran the family as a team.
Yet, despite the sharpness of her mind and her strong personality, she almost always
deferred to my father, shlita, including all the specific details of the treatment of her
illness.
My mother had a tremendous generosity of spirit. She felt no sense of jealousy
toward to anyone. You told her a simcha and she rejoiced in your simcha as if it was
her simcha. There wasn’t a jealous bone in her body. She excelled in doing chesed, the
nature of which is hard to describe. We sometimes thought she adopted the people she
did chesed for. I won't mention the names l'chvodam. The amount of time money and
effort she spent for these people is astonishing.
She had a tremendous simchas hachaim, yet she had an extraordinary sense of
spirituality. Her ruchnius, her yiras shamyim were awesome. It was bolet in everything
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she did- her tremendous love of HKBH. She had a great trust in Hashem. She
strengthened herself in an extraordinary fashion while ill, to give a chizuk to her
family, visitors, nurses, and staff of the hospital.
She excelled also in her love of this kehilla. She led it bchochma and majesty
the way she led the family. She would say to my daughters, "I'm your grandmother. If
I don't tell you, who else will." And she instructed them. She instructed her daughters
and all of us as Yacov said- my specialty was sweeping the floors. We all had our
unique jobs. She taught how to run a kitchen, how to keep a linen closet… My
daughters were petrified that my mother shouldn't visit sometime and see whether their
linen closets were up to par. She was very careful to seek out which lessons can be
learned from Hashgachas Hashem in life.
In her humility she would give warm brachos to those that came before her.
We heard myriad stories of how those brachos were poel yeshuos.
My mother was niftar within 8 days of her birthday, which according to
Teshuvas Maharil and the Gra, is equivalent to being niftar on one's birthday and is an
indication of the exalted nature of the niftar.
Halivai we should all be zoche bkarov to the fulfillment of the nevuah of "Ubila
Hamaves
L'netzach."
Umacha
Hashem
dima
M'al
kal
panim."
Bgiluy ubbias Mashiach tzidkeinyu. Amen ken yehi ratzon.
- 19 -
Rabbi Aron Tendler shlita
Time is very short and I will be brief- I ask mechila from my mother for not
being able to do justice.
I will not speak of her as being my father’s wife or my grandfather’s daughter. I
will speak of her only as being my mother.
She personified kal kvuda bas melech pnima. The dignity that you heard about
is something, which was self evident to anyone who ever met her. She was the perfect
compliment to my father shlita who believed strongly in “Rauh kal amei ha’aretz ki
shem Hashem nikra alecha”. He lived his life to be mekadesh shem Hashem. My
mother lived in such a way that those who met her couldn’t help but be in awe of
HKBH, cause that’s what she was.
She was an isha chachama- a wise woman- and an extraordinarily and
sometimes very directly isha emes- a woman of tremendous truth. She showed no
difference between child and friend and in law- in sharing her insights and life in what
has to be done. She loved us all exactly the same way- limitlessly.
I’ll end by quoting my oldest brother in law Shoptai, who said in passing this
morning as I was handing the phone to my sister, “The world without Mommy is a
much poorer world than the world with Mommy.”
I want to thank Ester my wife for allowing me to be completely free to devote
myself to Mommy these last 6-7 weeks. It is a gift I cannot repay.
Tehie neshmasa tzrura btzror hachaim.
- 20 -
Rabbi Hillel Tendler shlita
Imi Morasi, hareini kaporas mishkovah, I will not repeat what was said so
beautifully by Daddy and my older brothers.
Mommy you were a regal queen, beloved by all, for yourself, for who you were,
for your warmth, care and countless chasodim.
"V'Noach motza chen b’eini Hashem." The Mishna in Pirkei Avos tells us
that if someone finds favor in the eyes of man, certainly he finds favor in the eyes of
Hashem. Everyone loved Mommy. Every organization, every walk of life, every Jew
from wherever, the names that we grew up with, many of them are here today.
Zaidy Moishy explains the metzias chen of "Noach motza chen", as the joy in
Avodas Hashem. Mommy learned that from her parents, and shared that joy with
Daddy shlita. Mommy used to dance around her kitchen, literally, on a busy Erev
Yom Tov, in her messy kitchen where she couldn't stand the mess and hated when we
took pictures, but that joy that she had could only express itself in a little dance.
About 13 months ago when the horrible enemy was identified, we divided up
the Tehillim for Mommy. My daily comfort and chizuk were in the perokim assigned
to me. I chose these perokim for certain reasons, some of which I'd like to share with
you."
Perek Kuf Lamed Tes (139), "V’omar ach choshech yeshufein, v’laila or b’adeini”.
Dovid HaMelech says, "I thought the world was darkness, but you Hashem make light
for us”. That is how we felt. That is how we feel now. Our world is dark, and our only
light is our bitachon in HKB”H.
In Perek Kuf Mem (140), "Amarti l’Hashem Keli atah, ha’azina Hashem kol
tachanunai”. We were mispallel so many tefilos from so many people. "Ach tzadikim
yodu l’shmecha, yeishvu yesharim es panecha”. Mommy’s bitachon never wavered.
She knew what she was facing every step of the way; nothing was hidden from her.
Mommy was a realist. She knew full well what she was up against. But her bitachon
was limitless, she knew she was in Hashem's hands.
Perk Kuf Mem Alef (141). "Tikon tfilasi ktores l’fanecha masas kapai
minchas erev". Dovid HaMelech was mispallel that Sefer Tehilim should be accepted
as a korban. How many thousands of kapitlach were said! How many korbonos were
brought begging Hashem for a yeshua!
“V’shomu amorai ki noaimu”. These words Zaidy used as a siman that he
should come to America. Mommy lived these words with everything she spoke.
Whatever her words, whether encouragement or musar, were always in pleasant tones.
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Perek Kuf Mem Beis (142) - "Eshpoch L’fanaf sichi, tzarasi l’fanav agid".
How we poured out our hearts and tefilos to Aveinu sh’b’Shomayim, trying, for our
benefit, to keep Mommy with us!
But, as Dovid HaMelech says in Perek Kuf Mem Gimel (143), "Hashmieini
b’boker chasdecha ki b’cha batachti”. As Alos HaShachar dawned on this yom mar,
Hashem exercised His Midas HaChesed, with which He always runs this world, and he
plucked His flower from His garden.
And in Perek Kuf Mem Daled (144), Dovid sings "Baruch Hashem Tzuri …
Adam lahevel damah yamav k’tzel ovair”. Our days pass as a shadow. Mommy
descended from Dovid HaMelech and carried herself as true malchus. "Hapotzeh es
Dovid avdo ...." As we surrounded Mommy’s bed this morning, as her precious
Neshama started ascending to the Kisei HaKovod, the Melech Malchei HaMelachim
who is the “nosen teshua la’melachim” brought salvation to his queen – Mommy,
hareini kaporas mishkovah. All of us around her bed felt the presence of Zaidy and
Bubby and all the previous doros; as my sister Rivky said in awe, it felt like Hashem
Himself came to escort Mommy to her place in Gan Eden.
"Ashrei ha'am sh’kacha lo, ashrei ha'am sh'Hashem Elokav”. Mommy’s life was
one huge Kiddush Hashem, and her leaving this world was a Kiddush Hashem.
U’bila ha’moves l’netzach umacha Hashem Elokim dima m'al kol panim.
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Rabbi Eliyahu
Eliyahu Don
Don Tendler Shlita
I don’t recall the exact context, but quite recently Rav Horowitz shlita, the Rav
of our new shul in Lawrence, shared with me an insight on the famous medrash
VAYIHYU CHAYEI SARA MEAS SHUNU, VIESRIM SHANA VISHEVA
SHANIM, - BAS KUF KIBAS CHUF LICHET UBAS CHUF KIBAS ZAYIN
LIYOFI.
The Torah accentuates the 20 and the 7 when stating that Sarah Immeinu
lived for 127 years to let us know that she died free of sin as a twenty year old and as
beautiful as a 7 year old. When describing physical beauty, a seven year old is not
what typically comes to mind. What is unique about the beauty of a seven year old it
that it is pure, pristine, untainted by human intention or imagination. That is the
beauty attributed to the Matriarch Sarah.
Shifra bas Shima was our Matriarch. Her name, SHIFRA, is comprised of
the letters SHIN, RESH, HEH – as in SARAH - and PEH, and for 80 years, the
numerical value of PEH, this world was privileged to have Immeinu, our mother,
grace its inhabitants.
So very few months ago, many of you were honored to attend the wedding of
Sarah and Elchanan.
Kallah notwithstanding, and I dare say even Kallah
withstanding, the most beautiful woman among the hundreds was mommy.
Weakened and frail, she radiated a beauty that not only was reflective of the beautiful
woman that she was, but also a beauty of a Bas Zayin, a pure, pristine beauty, the
definition of beauty itself.
And Mommy, although your delicious Challah didn’t stay warm for a week –
how long they stayed frozen is another matter entirely – and your candles didn’t burn
for seven days, no one can deny that the Shabbos that you and Daddy ushered into
your majestic home with your lighting of those two big candelabras in front of the
mirror filled with candles, and which you honored at the table with your home-made
Challah – was a Shabbos so steeped in the majesty of Shabbos, the majesty of
Halachah, the majesty of Limud HaTorah and the majesty of your relationship with
Daddy – that the impact of those Shabbosim was felt by your family and your Kehillah
for the entire week, until it was replenished yet again the next Shabbos.
Mommy, you were the most demanding on us, and the most proud of us. How
many mother’s ask their spoiled “ben zekunim” 19 year old “when are you going to
finish shas like your father and grandfathers” or in all seriousness asked “what
happened to the missing point” when you come home with a 99 in physics. But which
mother’s face shined brighter than yours when you were surrounded by you children,
grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Tendler simcha’s are such a shlep because you
actual want to hear each and everyone of us speak! Just knowing your children – or a
Yom Tov - were coming was enough – I know Hilly beat me to the punch - to have
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you break out into one of your famous dancing and singing sessions while preparing
your fabulous potato kugel.
But you were most proud of Daddy. How many times can the shabbos shuva
or shabbos Hagodol drasha be “the best ever.” How many communities around the
globe can be “mesmerized” by his lectures. And you would let us know with such
enthusiasm and excitement – as if you were showing off your talented choson to your
school friends for the very first time.
But you were much more than his number one fan, you were his partner.
Daddy, like Avraham, went around the world, calling out “BISHEM HASHEM”,
enlightening our world, Jew and non-Jew alike, with the words of Hashem. And you
were there to echo the message, provide the harmony - Daddy’s beautiful ambassador
to the masses.
Rashi tells us that the name Shifra comes from Mishaperes, to beautify. The
biblical Shifra would beautify the newborn babies in Egypt. On Rosh Hashanah we
blow the Shofar to remind us to “Shapru Maaseichem” - beautify our actions to find
favor in God’s eyes. Mommy, Shifra Bas Shima, you were the most beautiful, your
deeds were the most beautiful, you relationship with Daddy was the most beautiful,
your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren are the most beautiful and
anything beautiful that we have is directly attributed to you. How fitting is it that in
the month of Shofar, the month of Shapru Masseicham, Hashem decided to beautify
his own surroundings and take Shifra Immeinu to his side.
Mommy, please look out for Daddy and all of us. We miss you so much
already.
Tiheh Nishmasah Tzrurah Bitzror Hachayim Ubeelah Hmaves Lunetzach.
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Hagaon Rav Reuven Feinstein shlita
You’ve heard the descriptions of my sister’s husband and children. Maybe I can
add a little bit as a brother. A younger brother so obviously she perceived me in a
different way- the way she used to describe me was her “baby brother”.
In physical form she probably resembled my mother more than anybody else.
Her pride, her beauty, her regalness, her outgoingness… My wife pointed out, “she was
in the kiruv business a long time before the word “kiruv” was invented.” But it wasn’t
the way we understand it now- it wasn’t a businesses. The people weren’t cheftza shel
mitzvah- they were people that she loved. And she happened to love everybody. So
when someone came into the house, they remained. And this goes back 40-50 years
ago, lot of them became friends of mine, my wife’s…through her.
I don’t know if she was trying to show a little pride in me, even in the hospital
she said, “You know this is my baby brother.”
There’s an expression “How do you describe a perfect mother? Its one that
every one of her children says, “I was the favorite.” And when it’s the other way
unfortunately, then it shows it wasn’t good.
We find in Shiras Devora a description of a mother. The Navi starts off that
Devora was shofetes es Yisrael, but then when she describes herself she says “Ad
shekamti Devora, Kamti Em B’Yisrael.” She described herself as a mother- em
b’yisrael, even though she was a shofetes. L’chora a shofetes is a much higher degree
than a mother, everybody’s a mother! Yet, Devora describes herself as a mother.
There is a Rabbeinu Yonah that says that a person needs to try to emulate
HKBH and the best way to emulate HKBH is to become a dayan. Because what does
Hashem do all day? He takes from one and gives to another- He is the dayan Emes.
And if you want to emulate Him you have to do that- it has to be done right
obviously. When you’re a mother you have to do the same thing- give to him, to her,
divide…. there’s a lot of dinim- taking from one to another… but at the end when
everyone says that it was right that’s when you see how great the person was. The ikkur
is we all are mekabel the psak of HKBH because we know it’s true. At the same time
when we have a dayan we say, “That’s right. I’m wrong, I apologize, that’s right.” The
ones who have taanos on a dayan say, “He isn’t honest or good.” There could be lots
of taanos on a dayan. A mother that all her children loved is obviously a great person.
As far as my shvuger mentioned before… he mentioned the gemara of Rav
Papa and bas Rav Chisda. There was a statement made by Rav Papa after that story.
Hearing Rava who was his Rebbi Muvhak say, “I don’t know you, I know my wife.” He
said, “In that pshat- I know my son AviMorah - he’s ne’eman.” Rav Papa had ten
sons. Abumohi wasn’t the oldest. Yet, the one he picks out that he knows, is Abimohi.
Why and how I can’t answer.
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But I think from this week’s sedra maybe we can explain the pesukim a little,
we find when Noach went into the Tevah the Torah tells him “You, your children,
your wife, your children’s wives- Nashim levad, anashim levad.” Because in the teva
there was no marital situation. Three times it’s repeated. The second time, when they
come out of the teva, Hashem said, “You, your wife, your children, and your children’s
wives.” He put them together like that. But then the third time as they come out of
the tevah it says it again the first way, why does it repeat the issur again, shouldn’t it
repeat the heter again?
I think no matter how much of a relationship a man can have with his wife,
like Rav Papa had ten sons and probably knew them all and they were all tzadikim
gemurim, but when it came down to it, neemanus, he said he only knows “AbiMohi”
Why? There were different cheshbonos- maybe because he was in business with him,
whatever the cheshbonos are.
When do you come to truly know somebody? When they live through a mabulwhere they didn’t sleep-they had to take care of everything that existed in the world in
that tevah- they lived with all the trials and tribulations of the tevah and didn’t get
excited or despondent- that’s how you see who they really are.
I think the Torah was trying to tell us that when he came out of the tevah,
that’s how he realized who his wife really was- in a way more chashuv than his own
children. And his wife was in a way more chashuv now. Like my brother-in-law
mentioned- private life.
He mentioned several times that she had her own opinions and didn’t always
agree with him, yet she was always mekabel in the end, but there were discussions in
the middle about who and what is right. Rashi brings down by “ezer knegdo”- “zacha
ezer, lo zacha knegdo.” Yet when Adam is looking at all animals he was looking for an
ezer kinegdo- not just an ezer, and not k’negdo- he was looking for both. I think what
it’s trying to tell us is that there's such a shalom between husband and wife that even
knegdo, criticism or disagreements, are also an ezer. When chas veshalom one is not
zoche, then even the ezer is k’negdo.
Their relationship for over sixty years and what they accomplished together is
definitely an ideal for their children to see. How much a person can do in a lifetime. I
remember something she said, when they came up to Monsey the first time, and they
got the house across the street, she accepted other communal responsibilities and we
asked her why and she said, “I don’t want to put on my tombstone that my
accomplishment was to own a house.” I think that was her- the more she had- the
more she felt mechuyav to do for others.
Tehei Zichra Baruch!
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PART THREE
THREE:
EE:
STORIES TOLD DURING SHIVA
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SAVTA THE NURSE
Dina met a woman in her salon, who said that she knew Savta. She said that she once
asked Savta, why she had decided to become a nurse, and Savta replied that she
wanted to be able to help more people.
In honor of the Bar Mitzvah Shabbos of, Shlomo Tendler in Monsey, Zevi drove up
to Monsey, even though he didn’t feel so well. His "not feeling so well" turned into a
full blown bronchitis and high fever. When he arrived in Monsey, Savta took one look
at him and declared that Zevi was to stay in her already overflowing home, (and not
wherever he had been otherwise placed) Savta put up a bed for Zevi in Sabbas study,
and sent him straight to sleep. Zevi said the only thing he really remembers about that
Shabbos, (being that he was mostly delirious with fever at the time) is Savta coming in
every few hours, with a tray of orange juice, Tylenol and a folded napkin, to tend to
him as only a private nurse would, ensuring that her "patient" was getting the very best
care.
Mrs. Mashinsky remembered when Savta had a "live in" cleaning lady, and one day the
cleaning lady broke her leg. She said that Savta took care and nursed this cleaning
lady back to health!
When Russi had Leah Adina, she caught a fever and the only way the hospital would
discharge Russi and her newborn, was if she had nursing care at home. So Savta
moved in! Savta told Russi, "Now I'm not your mother, now I'm the nurse!" Savta
showed up in her white nursing cap, wearing scrubs and a face mask, because she
thought that she might be coming down with a cold. Savta stayed with Russi and
helped her care for her newborn, and also encouraged Russi to nurse her baby,
something that Russi might have given up had it not been for Savta's constant
encouragement. Savta stayed until Russi was better and able to manage on her own.
Then Savta left, not wanting to be intrusive or overbearing, leaving Russi with her
privacy intact.
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SAVTA: THE FOUNDATION OF CHESSED
Mrs. Gertzlin is the woman who used to run the Mikvah in Monsey. Her daughter
told over that Savta used to bring Mrs. Gertzlin a present every Erev Rosh Hashona,
to thank her for her hard work.
Mrs. Reiss, (who sat behind Savta in shul) came and told over that when her son was
younger, he had been in an accident. Savta kept calling to find out how he was feeling.
Mrs. Reese said that years later her son's five children were playing in her basement
with a game. She went down and took a look at the cover of the game; it read "A
present for Jonathan (her son) from the Tendlers."
At one of the Bar Mitzvahs that Savta made, Savta noticed before the meal began
that Rebbetzin Soloveichik was not there. Savta asked if anyone knew where she was
and no one knew. Savta then got up, before eating and walked the 15 minute walk to
the Rebbetzins' house. She knocked on the door and Rebbetzin Soloveichik answered.
"Rebbetzin Tendler!" she said in surprise "aren’t you in the middle of a simcha?" Savta
said "yes, and I couldn’t sit down to the meal because you were not there!, why didn't
you come?" The Rebbetzin replied "because I didn’t get an invitation" (it must have
gotten lost in the mail) Savta said "you? You need an invitation to my simcha?! You
DON'T need an initiation! Of course you are invited!" then Savta took the Rebbetzin
promptly back to the Simcha with her.
Many times the elderly are alone and forgotten. Savta made it her business to
constantly visit the elderly and the sick. When Savta couldn't personally visit them,
she would appoint someone else to do so in her place. We can see how much this
meant to the people who Savta visited. One woman told of a certain person who Savta
would visit, this women hadn't left her house in years, but out of true Hakaras Hatov
for Savta, she attended Savta's Livayah.
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One time, when Savta was hospitalized last year Eli and Racheli were visiting. Savta
said to Eli, " I need you to write me a check, I will give you back the amount at a later
date, but right now there is someone who can finish his monthly mortgage payment,
he is short some money and I need to get him the check urgently." Of course Eli gave
Savta the check and told Savta she doesn’t need to get it back to then. Only then was
Savta able to rest. Even from her hospital bed, Savta was constantly thinking of how
she could help people in need.
hen someone in the community got married, she had a day Chasunah, and a short
while after the chasunah it became apparent that her Kesubah was lost, no one knew
where it was. The Chossen and Kallah, left with no other choice made a stop at Sabba
and Savta's house later that night. After they knocked on the door, Savta opened the
door and didn’t appear surprised or ruffled to see a three hour old couple standing on
her doorstep. Savta graciously invited them in and went to call Sabba. They explained
the situation to Sabba and Savta, and Sabba said "No problem, I'll write you up a
new Kesubah now and then I'll just go call Dr. Bersson, the neighbor and his sons as
eidim!" Savta said "one minute!" She took the new Kallah into the kitchen closed the
door and said "you know Dr. Bersson, are you comfortable having him as an eid?
Maybe you would feel more comfortable if we got someone who you didn’t know so
that you shouldn’t be embarrassed that someone you know knows about this? Savta’s
sensitivity was outstanding. The kallah was ok with using Dr. Bersson, and he came
over that night.
Recently, Michelle took Savta for a walk and it was very difficult for her to walk, and
she really had no strength or desire to walk. As they were slowly walking, Savta noticed
that the neighbor's mother had moved in with them was sitting outside. Suddenly
Savta straightened up and said "Oh! We have to go over and say hello to Mrs. Braun!"
Then Michelle walked with Savta to the neighbors, and Savta said "How are you? It's
so good to see you" Savta somehow found strength inside of her, in order to make
someone else feel special.
P.S. When Mrs. Braun came to be Minachem Avel she said, "Your mother said that
she would come over when she felt better, and she kept her word!" It meant so much to
her that Savta had indeed come over. Savta had made it seem so effortless that Mrs.
Braun hadn't realized that Savta was not well at that time.
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Mrs. Sutton's daughter had a Bas Mitzvah the week her grandmother was Nifteres and
the party was cancelled. They made a small party for her on Shabbos in the Succah.
Mrs. Sutton said that the only thing her daughter remembers from that party is that
Savta and Bubby Simi walked over to bring Simcha to the Simcha.
A man was once standing on the corner of Maple and Savta noticed him and offered
him a ride. The next day the same man visited Rav Yaakov Kaminetsky and he
mentioned the story to him in passing. R' Kaminetsky said "of course! Rebbetzin
Tendler is a Tzadekes!"
Rebbetzin Flam said that when Sabba and Savta went on a Sabbatical to Eretz
Yisroel, they had a choice to rent their house out to a middle aged couple or to the
Flams and their eight children. They chose to rent it to the Flams. When they asked
Savta why she chose to rent it to them, Savta replied that she was worried that it
would be difficult for them to find a different place to rent! Rebbetzin Flam said that
upon Sabba and Savta's return to America they became great friends.
Mrs. Greenwald from JEP told over that there was a Balas Teshuvah who told her that
when she was young in the community, she told Savta that she was making a Bar
Mitzvah, and she needed to place a lot of people and she wasn't sure what to do. Savta
said, "why are you worrying about it? We have a "placing" committee, who will take
care of that for you!" (There in reality was probably only one person on that
"committee" named Rebbetzin Sifra Tendler!!) The woman said that she never forgot
that act of kindness that she is sure Savta did for her alone.
A woman said that they lived in the community and her parents got divorced at a time
when almost no one got divorced. She said that everyone shunned them, except for
Savta. Savta took the mother under her wing, and made her feel good and took care of
her.
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The shul would make a "Kallah" tea and Savta had an idea to add to the tea by raising
money for the tea, and the money would be given to Hachnosas Kallah Tzedakah. At
the Tea a skit was put on and Savta would always take a few lines and ad lib those lines
like a natural actress!
Rabbi Fink said that Savta always made it a point to compliment him. He said that
Savta truly went out of her way, his parents live across the street from Hillel and
Mashie, and when Savta would be in Baltimore, she made sure to go across the street
and tell them nice things about their son to give them Nachas.
Josh Aaron said that he would always set up the fruit platters for Savta for Shmini
Atzeret, and Savta always had compliments and encouragement for him. He said in
addition to paying him, every year after Shmini Atzeret Savta would buy a present for
Sabba, and Savta would buy two, one for Sabba and one for him! He said he has
matching sweaters, ties, scarves etc… to the Rabbi!
Mrs. Cohen said that Sabba told her, if she wants to see real Kibbud Av Vem then,
she should look at Savta.
Mrs. Cohen and Savta organized the Shabbos Mivarchim Shiur they switched off
introducing the speaker. Savta would always introduce the speaker beautifully and with
grace.
Rebbetzin Mashinsky's daughter got engaged and at the time, she didn’t have money
for a new dress for the vort for herself. Savta brought Rebbetzin Mashinsky one of her
own dresses and Rebbetzin Mashinsky looked beautiful. After the simcha, she tried to
return the dress, and Savta said, "No, it looked so nice on you, it's yours! Keep it!
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Someone expecting triplets was on bed rest and Savta would visit her for a few hours a
week to make it less lonely.
Morah Blanca said that Savta would go visit a certain childless Almanah who had
trouble with her feet. Savta would massage her feet for a while during those visits.
Mrs. Sutton said that when her daughter was 14 months old she had an emergency in
the hospital, and they didn't tell their parents. Her husband was in Yeshiva because
everything was under control BH. Mrs. Sutton was therefore alone in the hospital with
her baby. No one who knew, thought that a 14 month old really needed any visitors in
the hospital. However, Savta, the true pioneer of Bikur Cholim, knew that the baby
may not need a visitor, however, the baby's mother surely did need one! Savta went to
the hospital to be a source of Chizuk to Mrs. Sutton.
Mrs. Kaminetsky, a friend of Savtas' said that she met Savta in a Dr.'s office and
Savta said "you are here too?!" She assured Savta that BH she had something minor,
but Savta was worried. Savta called her a few times after that to see how she was
feeling. Savta called her while she was packing for her trip to Eretz Yisroel and told
her, "you will be missed, especially you will be missed." Savta also called her upon her
return from Eretz Yisroel, even though by then Savta did not feel so well. Savta was a
true loyal friend.
Tanta Sheila had to do a report on a certain book and on a visit to Savta, she asked
Savta if she knew anything about the book and could explain it to her. Savta sat down
with Tanta Sheila and explained the book to her for a while. Later that night, when
Sabba came home he saw the book on the table and he said, "Oh do you need any help
with that book?" Savta quickly said, "Yes we do, can you please explain it to us?"
Sabba then launched into a long clear explanation of the book, without Savta letting
on that she had just done the same.
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Tanta Fia said that although Savta was her younger sister by four years, Savta was the
one who would constantly send her gifts, and tell her to leave the city and go on
vacation. Savta would also always call Tanta Fia and keep her updated with all the
different things that were happening in the family.
THE IMPRESSION SAVTA MADE ON NON JEWS:
Mrs. Redman was Savta's cleaning lady for 25 years. She said that Savta wasn't her
employer, she was her friend. She said that throughout the years Savta gave her
priceless advice and that without it, she couldn’t have raised her children as
successfully as she did.
Leah Charner said that seeing Savta having lunch or coffee with Mrs. Redman on a
regular basis, as one would with a friend, left a deep impression on her.
Sister Fran, the head nurse of Good Samaritan Hospital, said the following: "I never
thought I could love someone like my own mother, but after getting to know Sifra, I
loved her like my own mother. She had such dignity about her. She was always
welcoming each person who entered her room. A week before she passed away, she
couldn’t speak she motioned me over and stroked my hair, I felt like it was her blessing
to me."
One time when Savta and Dina were in Macys, one of the women working in Macys
told Dina, "your grandmother is a real lady, just seeing her makes my day!"
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SAVTA'S TERRIFIC SENSE OF HUMOR!
Savta had a sense of humor, when she heard that an older lady couldn’t come to a
Simcha, Savta said "Why can't she come? Is she expecting?!!!"
Dr. Luchins said that Savta had a terrific sense of humor. Once he was on the same
plane as Savta and he wasn't sure if he should wash for the rolls or not. He turned to
Savta and said "its so complicated do we wash or are the rolls Mezonos? What should
we do?" Savta smiled and said, "I have the solution to all the problems!" He asked
"what?" Savta held up her hands "gloves!" she said with a laugh!
Savta once said that at Mordecai and Michelle's wedding (a very large Simcha with
over 1000 people in attendance) people kept coming over to her to tell her how
dignified and stately she looked. Savta said, "I didn't have the heart to tell them that I
was standing so straight, because I was holding my stomach in! I was afraid that if I
breathed out there wouldn't be enough room for everyone!
SAVTA'S SENSITIVITY AND ASSORTED
COMMENTS HEARD DURING SHIVA:
One would think that Savta, a Rebbetzin who is so accustomed to hearing many
problems, would become immune to the pain. Not Savta! Savta was very sensitive to
other’s pain, she always got emotional and felt the pain of others.
Savta knew what each person was doing, and what each person really wanted to be
doing! Savta told Dina, "Rivka works for an insurance company, but you know, she'd
rather be teaching." And Savta would tell Rivka "don't worry this job is only temporary
eventually you'll be able to teach again." Savta was able to really understand each
person.
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Whenever anyone would tell Savta a Tzara or that someone had been niftar, Savta
would start crying, she really felt their pain. On the other hand, people always loved to
see Savta at their Simchos because Savta really felt each Simcha as if it was her own.
Savta never said a bad word about anybody. Savta was so dignified and regal, like a
Queen. Savta always had an ear to listen.
Savta had the gift of giving. She was able to give to you, without you feeling like you
were on the receiving end. A man came to be Menachem Avel, and he said that he was
a "new immigrant" at the same time that Savta was a new immigrant from Russia.
They were both sent to the same class to learn English. The class was very difficult,
but somehow, in just a few weeks Savta was promoted to a higher level, a few times!
Savta picked up the language in no time!
Aunt Esther said that wherever Savta went she created history. She also said that
going to Sabba and Savta was her favorite Sunday outing.
Mrs. Tova Cohen used to sit next to Savta at the Chumash shiur and Savta would
constantly remark "Sabba is so amazing; People should flock to hear him!" Savta had
such a deep pride in Sabba.
Savta never looked ruffled; she was such a special person, a real role model for all.
Savta was always so poised and put together to the tee. Savta was as classy, as stately
and as refined as anyone could imagine.
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Dr. Sutton said that Savta had a very special Middah of Anavah which she got from
Bubby. He said that one time Bubby had a rash and Sabba called him to come to the
house to check it out. Dr. Sutton came and saw that Bubby needed some cream, he
pulled out his prescription pad and Bubby said to him "My name is Fienstien, F-E-IN…. (As if he didn’t know!) That Middah got passed down to Savta.
Six weeks before Mrs. Sutton’s daughter got married, she had her appendix out. Mrs.
Sutton called Savta and asked for a Brocha. Savta said "I"H she should have a Refuah
Shelamah and she should walk down the aisle!" and six weeks later, her daughter
walked down the aisle.
Savta had many children to raise, and yet, even when the children were young Savta
managed to attend so many Simchos.
Mrs. Recht said that Savta met her daughters in a beauty salon on the day of
Yehoshua and Rivka’s Chasunah, and Savta told them, "Such pretty girls don’t need
to get their makeup done!" It made my daughter feel like a million dollars! She said
that the air felt more regal when Savta was around.
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SAVTA: EVERYONE'S FRIEND
Savta said, "If you are going to make it through life, then you must have friends!"
Savta lived up to those words. Savta had so many different, diverse friends of many
different ages. Savta loved everyone, and everyone loved her. Savta constantly did for
others, called friends, and sent over kugels. But, Savta didn't have high expectations
from her friends, she did for them without expecting back. Savta didn’t get upset and
say, "why didn’t she call, why didn’t she come" rather Savta did and did for them
unconditionally. Indeed, everyone loved Savta for this unconditional love that she
bestowed on them. As the people poured into the Shiva house almost all of them
introduced themselves, "I was your mother/grandmother’s friend". "I was her friend".
They really all were.
When Savta was first diagnosed, her friend Sydell came in from Eretz Yisroel to be
there for her for a month. They became friends in Elementary school, and now a
friendship that lasted almost 70 years, Sydell came in to be there for Savta. Savta was
a friend you held on to.
Savta went to visit her friend Mrs. Wallen one Shabbas. When Savta saw her table she
asked her "Why don’t you have a tablecloth on the table?" Mrs. Wallen said, "Because
we already finished eating!" Savta said gently "On Shobbos you should always have a
tablecloth on the table." Then later that week Savta went out and bought and delivered
them a new tablecloth.
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SAVTA'S STRENGTH
Savta helped Dina set up her home. They "shopped till they dropped" with Savta’s
wisdom and advice, deciding which toaster was the cheapest, which set of dishes the
nicest and most practical. Savta kept shopping with Dina although at the time Savta
was very sick and weak.
Savta was always so gracious, even during the hardest times in the hospital, Savta
would always take time to say Thank you. Savta would thank the nurses for taking her
blood, for giving her medicine and for whatever else they did.
When Savta was sick, Dina would do her nails for her at home. One time, before
Savta went to the hospital for radiation, Dina painted Savta's nails. Then Dina went
to visit Savta in the hospital and she arrived just as Savta was being wheeled out of the
radiation room. Savta, ever gracious, saw Dina and held out her hands, "how
beautiful" she said quietly. Even a moment after the hard radiation treatment, Savta
was trying to make others feel good.
Dr. Muchel said that the nurses from the 4th floor felt such a strong Kesher with Savta
that they would ask him on his rounds if he'd been down to the ICU yet.
Savta was a loyal mother to the end. Even during the hardest times she would say to
her children, "Its ok, I'm ok, I'm going to be ok" In order to reassure them as she knew
that they were worried.
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PART FOUR:
FOUR:
REFLECTIONS ABOUT SAVTA FROM
FAMILY AND FRIENDS
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A Son’s Pride and Tears By: Rabbi Aaron Tendler
There are those who leave this world a better place because of what they have
written, invented, taught, or built. Others leave this world a more beautiful place
because of their art and music. Most of us leave behind a legacy of memories that
enrich our families and friends in varying degrees. My Mother a’h was not a writer,
inventor, builder, or artist. She was a daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, great
grandmother, and Rebbitzen whose legacy of profound dignity and nobility changed
the lives of thousands simply because of who she was and how she lived her life. At
present her passing is painful to many, but she left behind a better and more beautiful
world for her having been here.
Shiva did not provide me the time to mourn the passing of my mother. I have been
told by others that it will come as I return to the routine of my life and realize that she
is no longer a part of it. Only then will her passing become real and my true mourning
will begin. However, as hundreds of people came daily to pay their respects and offer
consolation I and my siblings realized that my mother shared her life with so many
more and in a way that transcended her role as our mother.
I proudly proclaim that my Mother is Rebbitzen Shifra Tendler a’h. Born in Russia,
raised in the USA, she graced our lives with true royalty and kindness. She wore her
illustrious ancestry as the daughter of Rav Moshe and Rebbitzen Sima Feinstein Zt’l
with pride and humility, and raised a family that she loved dearly and who in turn
loved her and gave her great Nachas. The community in Monsey she helped lead,
adored, respected, and mourn her passing no less than do we, her children and
extended family. She framed my Father’s life in a manner that allowed him to
accomplish true greatness, and her passing leaves a vast void we do not yet see how we
can fill.
My mother was the personification of the verse, “All the honor of the king’s daughter
is in seclusion.”
seclusion (Ps.45:15) At all times and in all circumstances, my mother was a
true princess. She was regal but never aloof, royal but always available, a lady who
never needed a title. Do not take my word for it; instead, ask anyone who ever met
her. That is how they will describe her. If you ask any of her friends or community be
prepared to settle down for a while. They will describe the profound effect my Mother’s
presence had in their lives and the lives of their families. They will talk of her as a
friend, teacher, mentor, and role model. They will say with great pride that she was
their Rebbitzen, and that she graced their homes with her unique ability of being able
to share their joy and sadness. You will hear this repeated over and over again. Speak
to her many nieces and nephews and they will say the same thing. Talk to the nurses,
doctors, and technicians who cared for her during 13 months of battling Lymphoma
and they will echo the same sentiments. Her royal bearing, warmth, and compassion is
fact not opinion; and it was self evident to all who knew her because it was what she
was, not only the result of what she did.
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Her grandchildren, if they can stop crying long enough to express themselves, will
describe her as a loving grandmother who cherished them enough to teach them how
to live a life of Torah and responsibility. From how to fold laundry, make challah, and
and find the best bargains, to modeling for them how to create an integrated home of
tranquility and purpose, my mother accepted the job of being a Savta with the same
grace and dignity that she accomplished everything else in her life.
My mother’s life is a magnificently rich and colorful tapestry depicting the story of
Jewish royalty, courage, determination, and survival. As the Torah world of old was
systematically destroyed G-d gifted our people with unique leaders to help us transition
into the present. Paramount among them was my Grandfather Zt’l, Rav Moshe
Feinstein. His greatness in Torah anchored the Torah community to its unbroken
past glory and through him the true word of G-d was made available to us all.
However, his utter brilliance and fearlessness in blazing old trails in a new and foreign
world was founded by his absolute commitment to truth and his love and compassion
for every single Jew. That love and compassion defined Rav Moshe Zt’l as the
extraordinary Baal Chesed of his generation. Supporting him and working beside him
was my Grandmother Zt’l, Rebbitzen Shima Feinstein. The stories of her tireless
Chesed in Russia and the Lower East Side of NY are legendary. That was the home
into which my Mother a’h was born and raised, and it defined her character and her
personal mission.
My Mother had no “shtick.”” If it was right she did it. If it was wrong she did not. She
treated everyone with the utmost respect, and if necessary, helped them in whatever
way she could. She spoke her mind if she thought it could help, and she never played
mind games or lived with hidden agendas. For her, the present was always the most
important thing and you knew it because she always gave you her undivided attention.
On her own she did not speak about the past because the present was far more
important and exciting. The past was, the future would be, but the present was her
opportunity to experience life and do Chesed. My mother was not a “picture taker.”
She enjoyed looking at pictures and reliving good and happy times, but she was not
one to spend her time taking pictures. So many of us experience life through the
pictures we took rather than experiencing it as it happens. My mother preferred to live
in the present and experience life as it was happening.
My Mother’s funeral was on Thursday October 11. The following Shabbos I shared
some thoughts with my Father Shlit’a, Rabbi Dr. Moshe Tendler, that I had not said
at the funeral. In essence I reiterated what my other siblings had said in their eulogies
about my mother doing her many mitzvos and acts of kindness with great joy and
contentment. However, I started by saying to my Father that I did not know if my
mother lived her whole life with joy and contentment. What I did know was that when
she did mitzvos she did them with great joy and contentment. My father responded by
saying, “No, your mother lived her whole life with joy and contentment. She never
complained, she never spoke Lashon Hara, she never had mood swings, and she
accepted everything in life with great trust and love in Hashem.” My Mother’s love for
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life and her appreciation for all the wonderful things that Hashem provided her and
her family was evident in the person she was and the effect she had on people.
She was so proud of her husband. She adored him as her companion in life and she
admired him for the Torah he taught and the Kiddush Hashem he made wherever he
went. She sacrificed much so that my father could learn Torah and excel in his chosen
profession as a Rebbi, biologist, and researcher. She never complained or expressed any
regrets.
Instead, at all times she proudly stood at my Father’s side basking in his multitude of
accomplishments and ever growing international reputation. However, her greatest
pride was reserved for the Torah he taught and the Torah that was integrated into
everything he said and did. Every shiur or lecture he gave were gems in her personal
crown that she proudly wore wherever she went.
My Mother loved quality and value. She loved a beautiful piece of silver and delighted
in a fine china dish. However, she had no patience for contrived quality and false
value. The same was true for people and social etiquette. She appreciated and admired
true quality, accomplishments, and purpose but had little patience for political
statements, political correctness, or inflated egos. I once asked her if I should begin
wearing a ‘homburg.” Others had voiced their opinions, some urging me to do so and
others cautioning me from making “some kind of a statement.” I finally asked my
Mother who said, “Aron, a homburg is just a fancy hat. If you want to wear a fancy
hat – go ahead and do so. Just don’t make any more of it then it is. It’s just a fancy
hat.”
On the other hand, my Mother appreciated protocol and believed that dress was an
important component of proper social behavior. One time my mother expressed her
dismay to me at a front page picture in the LA Times showing then President Reagan
vaulting over a fence on his ranch in Santa Barbara dressed in jeans and a plaid work
shirt. Her words were, “That is not the way I want to see my President! My President
should be dressed in a tie and suit!”
Above all else was her exemplary chesed. She started chesed organizations, raised
hundreds of thousands of dollars, gave freely of her time, cared to the extent that she
cried for those in pain and rejoiced openly when the opportunity called for it. She once
hosted a shower for a young bride to be and when she saw that the girl did not have
what she considered an appropriate dress for the occasion went to her own closet and
gave her the new dress she had just bought for herself. Possessions and objects were
only as valuable to my Mother as the chesed they could accomplish. She visited the
sick and the elderly and cared for them as if they were her own parents. A mother of
ten shared with my sisters that in addition to raising her own ten children she had
adopted four Down-syndrome children to love and raise as her own. She explained that
it was my Mother’s exceptional commitment to doing chesed, something she had
personally witnessed many times, that motivated her to emulate her and undertake
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such a herculean act of chesed. The simplest of kindnesses made lasting impressions
on individuals.
A Chasideshe Yid that we had never before met came to pay a shiva call. His reason
for doing so was that more than twenty years earlier, while walking on a rainy day, my
Mother gave him and unsolicited ride so he could visit Rav Yakov Kaminetsky Zt’l.
When Rav Yakov asked him how he had gotten there in the rain he credited my
Mother’s kindness in offering him an unsolicited ride. Rav Yakov commented on his
great Zechus in being helped by Rebbitzen Tendler, “a true Tzadaikis.” My Mother’s
simple chesed and Rav Yakov Ztl’s comment demanded that he pay a shiva call twenty
years later and share it with my Father.
She showed us the true meaning of honoring one’s parents during the years of loving
care she gave to my Father’s parents and her own. Some might say that any child
would do the same for any parent and certainly for such parents and in-laws as my
Mother had; and I believe they would be correct. The difference is that my Mother did
the same for non relatives and even strangers. My Father related in his eulogy that at
the age of 50 my Mother went to nursing school. Upon her graduation she requested
to work in Bronx Lebanon Hospital Center. There were many other prestigious
placements available to her but she chose to work in a hospital that was considered an
inner city facility. Her reason for doing so was that she had heard that the elderly
Jewish patients still living in the area used the hospital and she was concerned about
the quality of their health care. She worked in Bronx Lebanon for ten years serving
her patients with great distinction and staying after her shift to check on the Jewish
patients and ensure that they received the best possible care.
The stories about my Mother a’h are many and her accomplishments enduring. She
blessed us with her presence and never asked for anything in return. She pursued
truth in her heart and lived accordingly. She loved her family and infused her home
with true Yiras Shamayim and love for Torah and Chesed. She celebrated her 80th
birthday on Shimini Atzeret, and seven days later quietly returned her soul to G-d
surrounded by her husband and all her children.
Upon returning from the cemetery, my Mother’s home was filled with one hundred
plus relatives and friends. My oldest daughter turned to me and said with tears rolling
down her cheeks, “Daddy, the house is filled with people but it feels completely
empty.”
- 48 -
Reflections of a Daughter: By Sara Oren
There were a lot of things Savta did seemingly easily, which I never appreciated
as a kid, and which I recognize now as feats of calm competence. Never mind packing
up family, kids, infant, cat, dishes and entire household for the summer, or for the
year- I'm not sure that I actually ever noticed that being done- Packing altogether
never fazed Savta. Packing for a trip which included summer in Israel and winter in
South Africa; packing for participation in an elegant family Simcha on the way to the
airport , for a trip to Israel with children who were less calm about juggling fancy dress
and travel togs; packing separate bags to allow for swimming on the way to wherever
was the main destination - she employed complex packing logistics to make sure that
we didn't miss any opportunity for fun on the way. Savta packed efficiently and
neatly, and the contents of her suitcases always emerged as wrinkle-free as
possible.(The surprises and gifts which also emerged from those suitcases on visits to
children and grandchildren are another topic.) She would say, "Now, I need just a
while alone, so I can get packed." (When they were going home from Israel this
summer, and Savta was sick, she reclined in bed, exhausted, while Rivky and
Moredecai and Michelle's girls packed for her, and we knew that she was in a really bad
way...)
Other things--That decisive, last-minute, no nonsense switchover from chometz to
Pesach-- The kitchen table still with a last chometz breakfast on it, an island in an
otherwise ready-to-become-pesachdik kitchen; everybody going out to burn the
chometz, and when we returned, Pesach was there-- No anxiety, no moving things
indecisively from side to side-- The Seder elements plotted from the previously
calculated and corrected listsI'm sorry that I didn't take my own notes. I just took Savta's collected competence for
granted.
- 49 -
Thank You for Always Being There
When I was little (and not so little) I took some things for granted. One of
them was that Savta was always there. Always. At every occasion. No matter how big,
or how small and insignificant, Savta was always there. At every
Nursery / Kindergarten/ Pre-1A Graduation
Siddur Party
Chanuka Play
Chumash Play
Birthday Party
Ballet Recital / Dance Performance
Chumash Chidon
Class Performance
Science Fair
Bas Mitzva Party
Eighth Grade Play
Eight Grade Graduations
Bais Yakov Concert
High School Graduation
And others
No matter what I always knew Savta was going to be there in the audience for me.
Now that I am a little older and wiser I realize that not everyone has a Savta always
there for them. And now that I am a little older and wiser I realize how much was
involved in Savta always being there. How much was involved in always clearing her
calendar and arranging her life to be there for us – always.
Savta with all my heart, thank you for always being there.
there
Love,
Rachel
- 50 -
Memories From Bella Shoshana (Tendler) Kaufman
Every Friday for about two years we used to take a girl who was schizophrenic
with us on Shabbos errands, and Savta would insist that she come to her for kugel as
well, if we didn't bring her, Savta would ask, and where is Malki (not her real name)?
as if Malki was so important to her, she would always give her a big piece of kugel and
try to talk to her a bit.....
Before my chasunah Savta so generously offered to take me shopping, she took me to
Esti’s and bought me two beautiful expensive suits, then we went off to Macys for
linen, silverware....as we were buying the silverware Savta encouraged me to pick out
s/thing else, and so I took a set of knives that I liked....we then went to the children's
section to pick out some clothing for the grandchildren in EY...little did I realize that
Savta literally would have a store house of gifts in her house always ready to take to
EY....
On each visit to EY after I was married and my first was born, Savta would give a little
gift, two t-shirts for the baby (in a size five years for the future), a beautiful dress with
a matching hat or pocketbook, always something quality that she got as a bargain. On
this last visit Savta gave each of my girls a special necklace and then she also bought
something for me :) a tube of lipstick...e/o should feel good!
At the end when Savta was very sick she had ordered many gifts in EY to give out, and
she wanted to make sure that we sent them back, she was always makpid to give out
gifts, even a while later, but she was always careful to give it...showing love and
consideration....
- 51 -
Memories From Rivka (Tendler) Recht
When I graduated high school Sabba and Savta were in EY. Before their trip I
invited them to the graduation but informed them, that of course I did not expect
them to come. When my graduation was over, and my family came over to
congratulate me, I saw Sabba and Savta in the crowd! They hugged me and wished me
Mazel Tov. I couldn't believe they came. Savta told me "of course we came! We came
straight from the airport, how could we miss this occasion?" Once again Savta led me
to believe how important I was to her and Sabba.
When I would spend my summers in Camp Sternberg, Sabba and Savta would
take Pia Weinstien and Rabbi Greenwalds offer to come visit for a day, they would
pack a delicious lunch full of treats and come up to spend a lunch with all of their
grandchildren who were in camp that year. Those visits made us feel so special.
Perhaps one would have thought that our grandparents were a regular older couple who
looked for things to fill their time. How wrong they'd be! Sabba and Savta had many
community and Shul and familial obligations, and yet, they still took all the time and
effort to be doting grandparents.
As a grandchild who grew up in Monsey, the highlight of my week was going to
visit Sabba and Savta erev Shabbos. Savta would always have kugel and juice waiting
for us, and sometimes we would get a "Sabba special" like fried bananas, or cinnamon
spaghetti. Now that I'm BH married and running a home, I can appreciate the time
and effort that Sabba and Savta put in to make these visits nice for us. We would
show up on Friday, erev Shabbos, the most hectic day of the week, and they would
greet us calmly with all the time in the world to spend with us. We would discuss our
weeks, and more often than not, Savta would say "wait till you hear a bit of Sabbas
Drasha for Shabbos, its amazing!" Then Sabba would tell over part of the Drasha with
all of us listening, Savta most attentive of all, despite the fact that she may have heard
it already. One of my personal favorite parts, was the attention Savta awarded us, she
would take calls while we were there, but keep them short, and she ended off with "I'm
sorry I need to go now, my grandchildren just came, you know they visit us every Erev
Shabbos" Savta made us feel that we were doing her a favor. We got a kiss when we
came and when we left. Savta noticed new haircuts, new shoes and new sweaters. Savta
also noticed no coats. Sometimes we would take coats along in the car, just so that we
could wear them into Savtas house, we knew she worried about us. We would come
bringing food that Savta would compliment, and leave with candy from Sabba.
After I got married I lived in Monsey for 2 months where I was able to
continue my erev Shabbos visits to Savta, with my new husband! Savta would
graciously welcome us in and spend time with us, despite the fact that she had already
sat with my family before we came, or was going to after we left. Somehow Savta made
time for us too then. My compliments got upgraded as Savta would comment on my
shaitel or tichel or jewelry. One of the things I missed the most after moving to EY
were those Friday visits. I switched over from Erev Shabbos visits to Erev Shabbos
phone calls. Savta would ask me how I was doing? How was Yehoshua? How was his
learning?, how was my job? Savta would encourage me, and tell me what was going on
in Monsey. Despite the fact that some of my sisters were also calling and Savtas own
daughters and other grandchildren from EY, somehow in those early Friday mornings,
Savta made time for us all.
- 52 -
Memories From Sara (Tendler) Shoff
It's hard to express what my Savta A"H meant to me. I miss her very much. I am so
thankful that we got to America just in time to see Savta a few times before she left
us.
My Savta was a queen.
There is no other word that describes her so entirely.
Growing up the highlight of my week was going to Saba and Savtas house every
Friday. At some point I started bringing my cooking experiments to them to sample.
Savta always was so enthusiastic and excited and would open it up and taste it and
oooh and ahh as if it was some sort of exotic gourmet dish instead of a young girl's
feeble attempt at a brownie.
When I was in a bus accident at the end of 12th grade my Savta was there for me, and
was so concerned and involved. The day of the accident I came home and slept for
many hours straight. When I awoke my sisters told me that Savta had come to see me
and when they told her that I was sleeping, Savta said "let me look at her!" They said
that Savta came into my room, sat on my bed, held my hand and looked at me and
cried. When I went to visit Savta on the day she was niftar I did the same thing –
looked at her and cried. Then Savta bought me a bush and had it planted in our front
yard as a zacher of the nais to have something blooming each year to remind us. Savta
I don't need to plant any bushes to remind me of you, you are in my heart and a part
of me and I think about you every day. A bush would not do you justice.
When my Savta got sick for the first time-around last year Yom Kippur I started
dating Elchanan. I used my visits to Savta in Good Sam as a free dating mentor
network. I saw Savta after my second date and told her ALL about him and Savta
loved him! She loved his openness and his enthusiasm and his red hair. She confided
in me that she LOVES red hair and always wished that one of her descendents would
have red hair. If I hadn't already been sold that I wanted to marry this boy that would
have been the seller! To fulfill one of my Savtas wishes would have been enough.
Then on my fifth date and my birthday I took Elchanan to meet my famous Saba and
Savta. It was an obvious step, after all how could I make this important decision in my
life without their approval? I knew the deal was clinched when Saba brought out a
bottle of wine. Aunt Rivky was there also and the next day when I went to hear the
reports, Between Savta and Rivky's enthusiasm you would think THEY were the ones
getting engaged. They were impressed with him and He was even more impressed with
them. In the car he told me "your grandmother is such a sweet, gentle, person".
We thought that Savta wouldn’t be able to come to my Vort, so we went over in the
afternoon to see Savta and take pictures. Then we knocked on Savtas door again a few
hours later to see Savta again now that we were all dressed up but no one answered and
- 53 -
the door was locked, confused we made our way to the Shul to find out what happened
to Savta and there she was! All dressed up, with makeup and a shaitel, looking around
and taking pictures. Savta knew how much it would mean to me if she came - so she
did!
Throughout my engagement it was to Savta that I went for approval and opinion. I
would show her what I bought, bring over pictures, shaitels and Savta was my first stop
after I had my makeup trial. But the best was bringing over my chosson! Savta was so
excited and enthusiastic and made us feel so good.
Then the great news! Savta was better B"H and just in time for our wedding!!! Savta
looked so beautiful in her dress and satin gloves. She truly looked like royalty! And
Savta stayed until the end and even came to Sheva Brachos and hosted Shabbos
Sheva Brachos! It truly added to our Simcha! The pictures I have with Savta from my
wedding I will treasure forever!
Savta was the the epitome of Gvurah! We heard the news that she and Saba were
coming to Eretz Yisroel! Sadly, we only got to see Savta twice before she had to rush
home due to her health. But we did get to tell her our news and she was so excited for
us! I told her "Savta maybe the baby will have red hair" (Savta loved red hair). Savta I
wish you could hold our baby, I wish our baby could have known its Savta. It will grow
up I"YH hearing all about its Savta The Queen but it just isn't the same.
We strengthened our Tefilos. We went to plead with Hashem by Har Haminuchos and
the Kosel. Cried so many tears, so much tehilim all for our Savta! We weren't ready to
let Savta go. But Hashem wanted her also and so He took her.B"H we got to see her 3
times before she left us. Those were 3 precious times, 3 bittersweet moments. I
pleaded to Hashem at Savtas bedside "Hashem please make her recover completely!
Hashem I don't want to name my baby after her (If it's a girl) But Hashem You know
what is best and the rest of us are left sad and missing something! Part of us is
missing. We aren't as complete as we used to be. We are missing our Savta and that
void can never be replaced.
- 54 -
Memories From Yosef Fried
My Savta… It is so easy to think of Savta as my Savta because it almost
seemed that I was her only grandchild. Whenever I was around Savta I always
benefited from her attentive ear, constructive criticism, and never ending personal
love. Certainly, I was the only thing that mattered. At 1:00 am, on Shevuous night,
while virtually every sane woman was sleeping, my Savta came to shul to listen to my
d’var torah and give me chizuk. As I barely kept myself awake, Savta sat awake and
attentive. The news of a good score on a math test, or an upcoming siyum, was greeted
with more joy than I could have mustered myself. Even a few days before her petira,
when Savta could barely open her eyes, Savta gripped my hand so tightly, and looked
at me with so much love- expressing to me what words could not describe. Savta
ignored personal discomfort or inconvenience to give me chizuk.
If one looks around, however, it seems Savta has many “only grandchild's,
many “only child's, and many “only friend's. Each person who met Savta felt that he
or she was the center of Savta’s life. Savta was somehow able to focus on so many
individuals at the same time, each receiving personal love and care. No matter who she
spoke to, she always gave that person her all. Savta gave the impression that there was
no person she would rather talk to, and no place would she rather be. From young to
old, everyone drew so much chizuk from Savta.
In truth, even people who never had the zechus to know Savta could really call
her “my Savta”. Savta cared about all Jews and davened for them all. One summer,
while I was enjoying myself on a touring program in Israel, the Jews of Northern Eretz
Yisrael were in true danger. Although I personally felt somewhat removed from the
war, after calling my Savta on an erev Shabbos I felt a change in my perspective.
Tearfully, my Savta expressed the pain she felt for the soldiers and citizens in
Northern Israel. She encouraged me to daven for them while at the same time
assuring me that the situation in Eretz Yisrael would improve. What better lesson
could I get about the love for our nation? Savta taught me to treat every individual
like an entire world, and to be concerned with every Jew.ȱ
- 55 -
To the dear Tendler family,
Rebbetzin Sifra was so much a part of our lives, such a caring, giving, loving
part- how can that void ever be filled?
How we became friends: My friend was in serious trouble and asked me to get
people to write to the court on her behalf, and for men to write on her husband’s
behalf. The first person I called immediately agreed to do so for her, but not for her
husband, “We don’t know him!” she said very coldly. I was devastated. The next name
was yours, and both R’ Moshe and Sifra responded most graciously and remained at
her side (and mine), forever after.
Sifra and I worked together for Bais Yaakov high school, and Kupath Ezra and
countless other projects. Her advice was always thought-out and to the point. She
constantly gave of herself. Becoming a nurse was only part of her desire to give, to be
of service. Mrs. Frankel used to say how different it feels when the bandage is prepared
by Sifra- because her caring touch made it feel so much better. When Mrs. Feferhorn
was under heavy sedation for pain; her children were convinced that she would become
addicted. Sifra agonized over how to tell them, gently, that it wouldn’t matter…
Sifra, you were such a loyal and devoted friend! Not just my own experience
over the years, but your feelings for Sydell, Naomi Sinnet, Mrs Templesman, and
dozens whose names I can’t recall. You worried about them and remained close to
them and did things to help them.
You never spared yourself physically or emotionally. Not just as a nurse (in the
emergency room!), but in every aspect of life. You once came with a generous donation
to Kupath Ezra- Rivka had just started to drive and had had an accident…. Baruch
Hashem everyone was ok. On the way you noticed a discarded rocking horse and took
it along to give it to some child. There was an excellent sukkah lying outside for the
inevitable, you put a sign on it, “Do not remove- private property” and it went to a
very happy family who had been in desperate need of a sukkah. Yes, your eyes were
always open for someone needing a ride or a favor. Yes, chessed ran after you, but you
pursued chesed.
When you got your new bedroom furniture, you delivered the old chest yourself to a
family that needed them. You were such a good, practical, and helpful shopper- and
always took along some “car-less” ladies on your shopping trips. What an unusual
combination- super generous, but careful and thrifty in your own expenses.
Sifra- your dear children follow in your footsteps. Rivka was a high school senior when
Bracha K. lost her mother. Rivka spent countless hours helping her, tutoring her, just
holding her hand and getting her through the terrible ordeal. And R’ Mordecai spent a
whole summer tutoring one of my boys in math, helping him to pass, and continued
doing acts of kindness. And R’ Yakov- a beloved student of my husband, he was a
- 56 -
most devoted doctor and friend. The younger children too, are wellsprings of kindness,
tov u’mativ, doing good deeds in their various positions. You can be proud.
And of course HaRav Tendler has given so much sound medical advice and
help over the years to hundreds including our family, and R’ Moshe’s on going support
for Kupath Ezra- always responding swiftly and generously! And never waiting to be
asked… R’ Moshe was among the first and foremost supporters and continues to be…
Sifra, your loving care of your in-laws and of your parents in their difficult last
years- an example to be not just admired, but followed.
And there were so many- well, difficult people, whom you helped constantly
and graciously. You were a true democrat. Everyone was equal in your eyes and
deserved special treatment.
And how you always saw the good in everyone! You had infinite patience and a
listening ear for all kinds of odd people. There was a character in town, one of the
earliest Kupath Ezra recipients who talked constantly and get people very nervous.
Most were annoyed with her and were critical and rude. But you said, “She speaks
such a beautiful yiddish!.” Always seeing the good in people…
You rejoiced in everyone's simcha and shared their sorrows, and in your life as
Rebbetzin you were constantly involved in with both. When the “au-pair” broke her leg
skiing, you nursed her faithfully.
Yes, the “eishes chayil” hymn truly applies to every aspect of your life- may you
be a good advocate for your precious family and all of Klal Yisrael. With heartfelt
wishes for kol tov, for much nachas from all your dear ones and many simchas.
Your whole life was one of constant giving. We will honor your memory by trying to
follow your example. May we soon be reunited by Mashiach Tzidkeinu.
As ever,
Malka Mashinsky.
- 57 -
Honored Rabbi Tendler and Family,
Our eyes are flooded with tears of sorrow at the loss of a dear person who has
served as a role model in her humility, coupled with outgoing empathy and kindness
that has won her a close bond with her "sisters" our Jewish people whose souls yearn to
come closer and to emulate Hashem Yisbarach. Such a rare quality was exemplified by
Rebbetzin Sifra Tendler A"H. We will sorely miss her warm welcome at all Yeshiva
University get togethers, for though I arose to walk over and greet her, she was faster
and came over to us with the warmest smile in the world and with true caring,
concerning our health and our families well being.
May you and your dear family be comforted amongst all the mourners of Zion and
Jerusalem know no further sorrows. May your devotion to Eretz Yisroel and Klal
Yisroel give you strength.
‫המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שער אבלי ציון וירושלים‬
Sincerely,
Rabbi/Dr. Zevulin and Brocha and Family Lieberman
_____________________________________________________________________
Dear Rabbi Tendler and Family,
On behalf of the Yeshiva we would like to extend to you our heartfelt
condolences on the tragic loss of your wife and mother. Mrs. Tendler was an Isha
Kishara, beloved by the Kehilla for her wonderful Midos and countless acts of Chessed.
Her passing has left a void, not only in your family, but in the community as well. It is
our hope that with the passing of time Hakadosh Baruch Hu will help heal this wound
and that you will all have a nechama.
May Hashem grant you the strength necessary and may you be comforted among
those that yet mourn for Tzion and Yerushalayim.
‫המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שער אבלי ציון וירושלים‬
Respectfully,
Rabbi Mordecai Wolmark
Rosh HaYeshiva of Yeshiva Shaarei Torah
- 58 -
Dear Rabbi Tendler, Rivki, Sara, Russi and the whole Mishpacha,
I don't know where to begin. Childhood memories are flooding my mind and
your mother A"H is so much a part of them. Part of what I am today is because of the
many hours I spent in your home.
I remember the warmth of your house, and always feeling welcome. Your mother's
graciousness was unparalleled. She had a regal bearing, yet a way of making everyone
feel important and special to her. When I picture her, it is with the genuine smile that
always graced her face.
Your mother A"H was a person of principal. I can hear her expressing herself with
conviction and strength when stating her opinon about things. I can't forget the Kibud
Av Vem, that I saw from her. The respect and care she showed to both sets of
grandparents A"H were a true lesson for me. I saw her walking home from shul with a
grandmother leaning on her arm. I saw how she built onto the house to be able to care
for her parents A"H.
Your mother was a dedicated and ambitious person. I remember her sitting on the
stool in front of the stool in front of the stove studying for nursing school, and at the
time, thinking "wow! Here is a mother of K"AH a whole Mishpacha and look at what
she is undertaking at this point in her life.
As busy as she was between being a mother, grandmother, Rebbetzin and nurse, she
was a real "peoples" person. When I lived in Eretz Yisroel, she sent me matching
outfits for my children as a present. It was so heartwarming that despite being so far, I
was still on her agenda. When we moved back and my daughter was born in Monsey,
she thought of me again and took the time to visit me and to "inspect" the new
addition to my family. It made me feel as if she considered my baby as her own
granddaughter.
Throughout the years, our families have been so close. Do you know that on the
morning of my father's A"H Livayah, your mother A"H came over to our house!?
That is a true close friend.
Just as your mother A"H was concerned about everyone when she was here, she will
continue to do so and be a Malitz Yosher for your whole family, all the people she
cared for and loved and all of Klal Yisroel.
‫המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שער אבלי ציון וירושלים‬
- TD Katz
- 59 -
Dear Rivky and family amus"h
‫המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שער אבלי ציון וירושלים‬
I have such fond memories of your chashuve mother .She was a real doer and close
friend of my mother (may she live and be well.) As my brother, Feivy (nero yair)
says “Rebbetzin Tendler was Mommy’s (amus"h) best friend.” Standing by the levaya,
I overheard others saying “Rebbetzin Tendler was my best friend.” I see she had many
many friends, "Bichol Sheruach habriyos Nocha haymenu Ruach Hamakom Nocha
Hamymenu."
The picture I have before me of your mother A"H is royalty, nobility "Motzes Chein
Visachel Tov, Baynay Elokim Viadam"
Our family is particularly thankful for the devotion and dedication of the Tendlers all
the years. I heard how your father Zal Zein Gezunt, was so helpful so many times. I
have such warm and fond memories of you, Rivky, Tichye, as a young girl. I was at
your home a number of times as a child and was always welcomed Bisaver Panim
Yafos.
Your brother, Yaakov Nero Yair, was such a good, kind and caring Shaliach
for my father Zt"zl. My father always used to say about him, “Did you ever come
across a doctor who would make home visits at any time and upon seeing his patient,
greet him with a kiss, and who called him from outside of Yeshiva Spring Valley
saying that he’s mispallel that the zechus of all his years there, he should be cured!
But....Kol Mah Diovid, and we accept Biahavah the Ratzon of Hashem.
Your brother Nero Yair handled the whole situation
Hayn Metzad
my father’s comfort, Hayn Metzad My mother’s amus"h feelings and concerns in such
a respectable manner.
You should all be gebentched and may your mother A"H be a
for all your wonderful families.
Malitz Yosher
Vinishku Linachomos Tzion Ubinyan Yerushalayim, Bimihara Viyamanu.
Sincerely,
Rivka (Mashinsky) Kaplan
- 60 -
To Dr. Tendler amus"h
It was with great sorrow that we heard the news of the petirah of your mother,
Rebbetzin Shifra bas Harav Moshe.
I got to know her when she came to my store to buy clothing for the great
grandchildren. From the few times that I had the privilege to meet her one could see
in her a very refined and noble character, very warm and caring personality. Always
very polite, she always had a good word for everyone. It was usually my pleasure to
serve her but if I ever wasn’t available and my daughter helped her out, she always
made sure to comment the next time she came in, on how my daughter took such
good care of her in my absence and to please thank her.
She was very attentive to make others feel good. It was also amazing to see how she
had in mind each child that she was shopping for – everything should be appropriate
for that particular child, the size, the color and the style!
She will surely be missed by all who crossed her path and received from her sunshine.
May she be a Malitz Yosher for the entire family and for the whole Klal and may we
learn from her beautiful ways.
‫המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שער אבלי ציון וירושלים‬
-Mrs. Grunfeld
Dear Reb Moishe amus"h
Fifty six years ago we moved into our first apartment at 666 Wadsworth Terrace. I
knew nobody there and within weeks it was home, in part, thanks to your gracious and
welcoming Shifra. I was so flattered that she who had been a Sr. Counselor at Camp
Hadar, and I a lowly assistant was now being treated like a peer by the Queen. This
early vignette captures so much of who Shifra was.
Throughout the years our own lives would intersect and she would always graciously
express interest in my children and in my life. Her whole hearted ability to be
Misamach with and for others was her trademark. Undoubtedly these qualities have
been passed on to your children and in those ways that were so her essence she will
never be gone!
Sorry we didn’t make it in person.
‫המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שער אבלי ציון וירושלים‬
Fondly,
- 61 -
Sifra was my Rebbetzin, my neighbor, my friend, my confidante and my second
mother. It is difficult for me to accept that she is no longer amongst us. Most of the
obituaries described her as being the daughter of Ray Moshe or the wife of a prominent
Rav in the Monsey community. But to those of us who knew her well, she was Sifra
Tendler, an extraordinary person in her own right.
Sifra was regal in appearance, carriage and manner. She had a beautiful smile and
smiled often. She took her position as Rebbetzin of the Monsey Community very
seriously. She may not have paskened shallos , but the sensitivity and caring she showed
her congregants was much appreciated. On a number of occasions I had personally seen
Sifra walk over to someone crying in shul, hold their hand and ask them to come sit next
to her. She gave them comfort and eased their pain.
No one remained a stranger in our shul. Sifra went out of her way to greet each
and every one and she invited the lost and less fortunate to share her shabbos table. She
took special delight in having all the young mothers bring their babies up to where she sat
in shul. She made each mother feel that her baby was the most beautiful and special baby
around.
Sifra embodied the mitzvah of bikur cholim. She made a particular effort to visit
the sick and the elderly who couldn’t get out (the shut-ins as she referred to them). When
she couldn’t get there herself, she would assign someone to take over, thereby making
sure that these people would always have company.
Sifra was a very clever person. She took the responsibility of recruiting volunteers
for positions on sisterhood. How could anyone ever say no to the Rebbetzin, not even the
Ray would do that. When a committee finished their project, she made it her business to
personally thank them for a job well done. They could not refuse to do the job the
following year.
Her first and foremost love was her husband, the Rav, and her family. She
confided in me when she was very ill. “Shirley, you’ll see they’ll manage just fine
without me, even the Rav, because I’ve planted a portion of me inside of each of them.
They know exactly what I expect of them.” Only a mother can understand when her job
is completed.
In this week’s parsha, parshat Chaya Sara, Sara dies, but not because the Satan
comes to tell her about Akeidat Yitzchak. On the contrary, Sara dies because she knows
that Yitzchak is now a complete person. He understands the tafkid that he is destined to
fulfill as the son of Abraham and Sara. He has attained a level of kedusha that has made
him a complete Jew. So too, our dearest Sifra Tendler understood that she could depart
from this world knowing that her husband, children, grandchildren and great
grandchildren understood the derch and tafkid in life that they must follow as well.
Sifra, I will miss you dearly.
Shirley Bersson
Dearest Savta,
I am writing you this letter, despite the fact that you are already in Gan Eden,
because there are some things that I still need to tell you. In fact, there will be many
times when I will need to tell you something or need to ask you something, it will take
a long time for the reality to sink in, that you are no longer in this world with us, and
though we all believe that you are in a better place, the pain of not having you here
with us, is deep.
Yehoshua and I were so excited to be going to America for Sukkos! We missed you
terribly and longed to see you Savta. We ached to see your beautiful smile, and know
that you were ok. Our Savta whom we had run to the Kosel, to Kever Rachel and to
Har Menuchos to daven for, we wanted only to see you at last. Finally, the day arrived,
we walked into the hospital, located your room and found you Savta, lying there in
your bed, beautiful as ever. My tears were of joy at having the zechus to see your
longed for beautiful smile. You beckoned me closer to you and you mouthed the
words, "how are you feeling?" I was too overwhelmed to answer you Savta, how was I
feeling? Me? But how were YOU feeling? I felt relieved at the same time, relieved to
see that even in this foreign "other religion" decorated hospital, even in this strange
bed, hooked up to ominous machines, you were still my same wonderful Savta, worried
and concerned first and foremost about me and Yehoshua.
In fact, those words, "how are you feeling" will stay with me forever, for those are the
last words I heard you say. After that you nodded to me, you held my hand and
stroked my cheek, giving over the same message that those few words gave over, that
you were concerned about me. Sometimes I told you stories, sometimes I sang to you,
(though I'm not sure you appreciated my voice!) and sometimes I just held your hand.
It was a Brocha to be able to spend almost every day of that short trip, visiting you.
One day I leaned over and I told you, how beautiful you looked, you looked at me in
surprise and I insisted that only you Savta could pull off lying in this hospital bed
looking as beautiful and refined as you did.
You never complained. Not once. I would ask you if you were in pain and you would
shake your head firmly. I saw your grimace, but you would not complain, and not
admit to the pain. You were strong Savta, so strong. I wanted to comfort you and
encourage you and yet time and time again it was you who would silently give me
courage and hope.
It was truly astounding, though not surprising, to see how Sabba Abba, Ema and all
your other children, would not leave your side, during those difficult days. The Kibbud
Av Vem that your children displayed whole-heartedly was a lesson for me, for life. You
raised your children in such a manner that they couldn't bear to leave your side. The
respect that they displayed, was a Kavod that you deserved.
- 68 -
On your Birthday Savta I gave you a pin that I had bought for you in Eretz Yisroel. I
reminded you that nine months earlier when we had come in for Sara's Chasunah, I
had bought you a small heart authentic looking diamond necklace.
You told me then "It's beautiful! I know its not real, but you know what? If I wear it,
everyone will assume it is real!" then you hurried to show Sabba the "gorgeous" gift I
bought for you. I was glad that you seemed to like it and hoped that you would find
something it went with suitably. You can't imagine how surprised I was when a few
days later at Sara's Chasunah, You motioned me close to you. How beautiful you
looked Savta, in your silver suit, wearing elegant gloves, (no one would have guessed
that that was a measure against germs!) I came towards you and you pointed to your
throat, I peered closely and gasped! You were wearing the (25 shekel?) necklace that I
had bought for you! You smiled and said "It was the perfect thing to wear with this
suit, thank you!" I nodded and smiled convinced that I had indeed bought you the
perfect gift.
Looking back, I am even more amazed. I have no doubt that Sabba had showered you
with many gifts over the course of your years together, I'm sure you had something in
your jewelry collection, that was even more beautiful, more suitable and certainly more
real, then the simple fake diamond heart necklace that I gave you. However, you
decided that it would be more important to make me feel good by wearing the necklace
I had just given you then by wearing any other necklace. I will cherish this kindness
forever.
On your birthday, when I reminded you of the above story I told you "Savta, I would
normally never risk buying such an elegant lady jewelry, but since you wore the last
piece to your granddaughters chasunah, I decided to risk it again, I hope you like it." I
pulled out the pin, and you clasped my hand tightly. "Do you like it? " I asked you,
you nodded firmly. "Good!" I said, "The last piece you wore to the chasunah, this one
you'll wear to the Bar Mitzvah I"H.!" You smiled at me and closed your eyes. I put the
pin in your room wished you happy birthday and good yom tov and left.
Savta, I have no doubt that you were busy planning which suit would go well with the
pin, and I am certain that, had Hashem not had other higher plans for you, you would
have worn that pin to the Bar Mitzvah proudly.
Someone (I'm sorry I don't remember who) told Russi during Shiva, another
explanation for the words " Ki Lo Bimoso Yikach Hakol" she said that those words
"because at death, a person doesn’t take it all with him" refers to the person's midos,
their legacy their chessed and their blessed memory. They don't take any of that with
them, rather they leave that to those who are left behind. For us, your children,
grandchildren and great grandchildren. We have big shoes to fill, but you left us all the
tools, all the "good examples" and all the rules, to be able to fill them.
I needed to hold on a little extra to you Savta, I needed to sit in your home just a little
longer and hear about you, which is why I extended my trip in America to be able to be
- 69 -
there until Shiva was over. During that time I collected the stories in this booklet,
cherishing each new one. It is my Tefillah that this booklet will give all those who read
it, those who know you and those who didn’t have the zechus to know you personally,
a taste of your legacy, a taste of the life of a Tzadekes. I hope that all the inspiration
gained from this book will be a true Aliyah Neshamah for you Savta, this is my final
gift to you, I hope we make you proud.
I want you to know that Russi gave me back the pin that I had bought for you, and
now I'm holding onto it Savta, and one day I"H I hope to be zoche to have a little girl,
who will be named after you, my beloved Savta.. Along with your name Savta, I will
also give her your pin, and most important of all, your legacy that you left behind, for
her, and all of us, to live up to.
Savta, I will be forever thankful that I had that extra precious time with you. My heart
aches for you Savta, and my Tefillos for Mashiach to come already, have been infused
with a new vigor, how I long to see you again already! Nothing will be the same
without you, not my week, not my erev Shabbos or Shabbos and certainly no simcha
will be complete without my regal Savta in attendance.
I know though, that you will be forever in my heart, and indeed in the hearts of all
who knew and loved you.
At my chasunah you walked down to a beautiful song, and it is with those same words
that I end this heartfelt letter to you Savta.
"Ilan Ilan Bah Mah Avarechicha? Sheyihey Parosecha Misukim? Harey Parosecha
Misukim" Sheyihey Tzilacha Naeh? Harey Tzilcha Naeh. Elah Sheyihi Ratzon, She
kol Netiyos She Notin Mimcha, Yehiyu, Kimoscha.
My beloved Savta, you have already reached perfection, you no longer need my
Brachos. Your children are B"H following in your footsteps, and so perhaps I really
just extend this Brocha to myself, to all your grandchildren, to my children I"H and to
all your great-grandchildren and on. May we merit to one day be like you Savta. There
can be no greater Brocha.
I love you Savta.
I always did.
I always will.
Your granddaughter,
Rivka
- 70 -
PART FIVE:
FIVE:
‫קונטרס הנהגות והלכות‬
‫על עניני אבילות‬
HALACHOS AND MINHAGIM FROM
HAGAON
RAV MOSHE FEINSTE
FEINSTEIN ‫זצ"ל‬
- 71 -
- 72 -
‫קונטרס‬
‫הלכות והנהגות‬
‫על עניני אבילות‬
‫ממר הגאו רשכבה"ג‬
‫רבי משה פינשטיי זצ"ל‬
‫מעשה רב והנהגות שנכתבו ע"י נכדו‬
‫הרב מרדכי טנדלר שליט"א‬
‫נער ע"י‬
‫שלו חיי טנדלר‬
‫‪- 73 -‬‬
‫כ"ח חשו תשס"ח‬
‫בקשה ומודעה‬
‫היות שהקונטרס נסדר במהירות גדול לרגל שלושי דפטירתה של בתו של מר‪,‬‬
‫אמנו סבתינו האשה מרת שפרה טנדלר ע"ה‪ ,‬הקשה עלינו מאד להגיה בדקדוק רב‬
‫ולהביא כל המראה מקומות להקל על עיו בכל הלכה‪ .‬ולכ אי לסמו על פסקי‬
‫הלכה המובאי כא למעשה אלא ה לתועלת להמעיי בה לכל פרט ופרט ולהגדיל‬
‫תורה ויאדיר‪ .‬ובעזי"ת מקווי אנו להוציא לאור דבר של מהנהגות מר ז"ל ה‬
‫בעני זה וה בשאר מקצאות התורה‪ .‬ובבקשה ממ המעיי שכל מי שימצא טעות‬
‫או שאר דבר שצרי תיקו או א יש עוד הערות יודיע לנו כדי שנוכל לתקנ‬
‫במהדורה הבאה‪.‬‬
‫מאחר שאינו דבר של ואינו מוגה כראוי אי להעתיקו ולהפיצו בלי רשות‪.‬‬
‫‪- 74 -‬‬
‫קונטרס זה הו"ל‬
‫לרגל השלושי של‬
‫אמנו סבתנו‬
‫מרת שפרה‬
‫הרב משה ע"ה‬
‫בת מורינו ורבינו‬
‫עלתה נשמתה הטהורה ביו המר‬
‫כ"ח תשרי תשס"ח‬
‫ת‪.‬נ‪.‬צ‪.‬ב‪.‬ה‬
‫‪- 75 -‬‬
‫הקדמה‬
‫בו' אלול תשמ"ב נפטרה אחותו של מר ז"ל האשה מרת חנה‬
‫סמאל ע"ה בשיקאגו‪ .‬לחשש בריאותו של מר ז"ל החליטו‬
‫משפחת מר להביאו למונסי להגיד לו הבשורה שש הביאו‬
‫רופאי להיות ש בשעה שיגידו לו‪ .‬קונטרס זה נכתב בשעת‬
‫מעשה מהנהגותיו בשעה שישב שבעה באותו זמ‪.‬‬
‫‪- 76 -‬‬
‫דיני יו השמועה ויו א' דאבילות‬
‫א‪.‬‬
‫ב‪.‬‬
‫ג‪.‬‬
‫ד‪.‬‬
‫ה‪.‬‬
‫ו‪.‬‬
‫ז‪.‬‬
‫אי לשקר להסתיר בשורה מקרובא‪.‬‬
‫קט א"צ לישב שבעהב‪.‬‬
‫]על אחותו ושאר קרובי חו מאביו ואמו[ צרי לקרוע קריעה על החולצה ואי צרי לקרוע ג‬
‫על המעיל‪.‬‬
‫]על אחותו ושאר קרובי חו מאביו ואמו[ קורע על צד ימי למטה טפח‪.‬‬
‫יכול לסייע עצמו בסכיג‪.‬‬
‫ד‬
‫כל זמ שנהג אפי' חד מהנהגת אבילות קוד שקיעה‪ ,‬מספיק למנות מאותו יו לשבעה ‪.‬‬
‫אי חיוב לאכול סעודת הבראה‪ .‬אלא יש די שביו א' דאבילות אסור לאבל לאכול משלו‪ .‬וממילא‬
‫יצר להתענות א אי אחר מאכילו‪ .‬וזה רק עד סו יו א' דאבילות והיינו צאת הכוכביה‪.‬‬
‫דיני שבעה‬
‫ח‪.‬‬
‫ט‪.‬‬
‫י‪.‬‬
‫יא‪.‬‬
‫יב‪.‬‬
‫יג‪.‬‬
‫יד‪.‬‬
‫טו‪.‬‬
‫טז‪.‬‬
‫יש לנהוג עיטו אבלי‪ .‬ואפי' כובע של קש וכדומה מספיק לזה‪ .‬וצרי שילבשו למטה ממה‬
‫שרגיל עד שכמעט מגיע לעיניו‪ .‬וא זה מצערו או שהוא ח ביותר אי צרי ללבשוו‪.‬‬
‫אי צרי לכסות כל המראות בביתז‪.‬‬
‫מותר לאבל לישב בחו על מרפסת‪ .‬אבל יש לישב בעיקר אצל המקו שמתפלל‪.‬‬
‫צרי לישב על כסא נמו פחות מג' טפחי‪ .‬והיינו י"ב אינטשח‪.‬‬
‫כסא שרובו גבוה מג' טפחי אבל מקו ישיבתה הוא נמו מג' טפחי כגו כסא ‪Adirondack‬‬
‫או כסא שהסיר הכר מסתפק מר ז"ל א הוא מותר לישב עליה משו מראית עי‪ .‬אבל א ניכר‬
‫שיש שינוי כגו שניכר שהסיר הכר או שיושב על כסא ‪ Adirondack‬במקו שאי ההמו רגילי‬
‫בה‪ ,‬אז מותר‪.‬‬
‫יש לישב שבעה במקו שיהיו מנחמי‪.‬‬
‫אי נוהגי כפית המטה‪.‬‬
‫עדי שלא ליטול ידי אפילו לתפילהט‪.‬‬
‫מותר לאבל לרחו כל שבעהי רחיצה הרגילה‪.‬‬
‫א ע' שו"ע סי' ת"ב סעיף י"ב ט"ז ס"ק ח'‪.‬‬
‫ב ע' שו"ע סי' שצ"ו סעיף ג'‪ .‬אמר מרן ז"ל שזהו הפעם הרביעית שישב שבעה‪ .‬על אביו אמו ואחיו שלמה‬
‫)שהי' ב' שנים גדול ממנו( ועתה על אחותו‪ .‬ועל שאר אחיו ואחיות אמר שהי' או קטן או שמועה רחוקה‪.‬‬
‫ג כשקרע בשעת השמועה לא הי' לו אפשרות לקרוע רק ‪ horizontal‬ושוב ביקש עוד לסכין וקרע עוד‬
‫למטה טפח‪.‬‬
‫ד שמיד כששמע )והי' בערך עשר דקות קודם שקיעה( חלף מנעליו כדי למנות מאותו יום ושוב קרע‬
‫קריעה וישב על כסא נמוך‪.‬‬
‫ה שחשש מרן ז"ל שיום א' דאבילות מדאו' הוא ולכן רצה להמתן עד צאת‪ .‬ואע"פ שאין האיסור אכילה‬
‫מדאו' אבל שתיהם נלמד מפסוק ביחזקאל 'ולחם אנשים לא תאכל' וכדאי' במו"ק כז‪.‬‬
‫ו אמר שבאמת אצלנו אין נוהגין זה‪ .‬אבל כדאי לעשותו וללבשו ואם מצערו יכול להסירו‪ .‬וגם מרן לא‬
‫לבשו בשעת אכילה אבל בדרך כלל הקפיד ללבשו כשבאו לנחמו‪.‬‬
‫ז לא ידע מקור למנהג זה‪ .‬אבל אמר דכיון שהמון עם נוהגין כן יש כך לנהוג‪ .‬אבל אם יושב בבית של‬
‫אחר )והם אינם יושבים שבעה( אולי בחדר שיושב יש ענין כדי שהמנחמים לא יתמהו‪ .‬אבל להלכה אין‬
‫צריך לכסותם כלל בבית של אחר‪ .‬ולמעשה מרן ז"ל לא כסתו אותם כשישב בבית בתו במונסי‪.‬‬
‫ח אע"פ ששיטת מרן ז"ל הי' שטפח הוא ‪ 8‬ס"מ או ‪ 3.55‬אינטש אבל לאבילות פסק שיכול להקל עד ‪12‬‬
‫אינטש‪.‬‬
‫ט בבוקר רחץ ג' פעמים‪ .‬ולתפילה חייב את עצמו בבהכ"ס אבל רק רחץ פעם אחת‪.‬‬
‫י ע' ערוה"ש יו"ד סי' שפ"א סעיף א' שאין איסור אלא רחיצת תענוג‪ .‬אבל להעביר זוהמא או משום צער‬
‫מותר‪ .‬ולמעשה החמיר מרן ז"ל על עצמו ולא רחץ תוך שבעה אף שלדינה מותר ובע"ש הקיל ורחץ רק‬
‫פניו ידיו ורגליו‪ .‬וגם זה עשה דוקא מיד סמוך לשבת‪.‬‬
‫‪- 77 -‬‬
‫יז‪ .‬א ר"ל מת אב או א של אב או א של החת או הכלה מותרי להיות בחופת בניה‪ .‬אבל‬
‫לחתונה של נכד קשה להתיר‪ .‬אבל א יש לה צער מותרי ללכת להחופה בלבדיא‪.‬‬
‫יח‪ .‬ביו ז' המת עד שהמנחמי יצאו וישב על כסא רגיל להראות שאינו יושב שבעה עוד‪ .‬ושוב חל‬
‫מנעליו וחולצתו‪ .‬אבל לא יצא לטייל בחו‪.‬‬
‫דיני תפלה וברהמ"ז תו שבעה‬
‫יט‪ .‬יש עני להיות ש" בתו שבעה )א אי ש בני( אפי' כשהוא אבל על לאחותויב‪.‬‬
‫כ‪ .‬אי לומר פטו הקטורת או קרבנות‪ .‬אבל קרב תמיד מותר‪.‬‬
‫כא‪ .‬אמר ג' קדשי )בתו שבעה(‪ .‬אחר ר' ישמעאל אחר מזמור שיר ואחר עלינו‪) .‬וג זה א אי ש‬
‫בני(‪.‬‬
‫כב‪ .‬א אי יושבי בבית של הנפטר‪ ,‬אי בו די בית אבל לגבי תחנו לשאר בני הבית‪ .‬וכגו א אחרי‬
‫מתפללי ש ביחידות‪ ,‬אומרי תחנו‪ .‬אבל א מני בא בשביל האבל אז האבל פוטר אות‪.‬‬
‫כג‪ .‬יש לומר ואני זאת בריתי בובא לציו בבית אבל‪.‬‬
‫כד‪ .‬אי לומר תתקבל או למנצח בבית אבל ואפי' א אי האבל ש"יג‪.‬‬
‫כה‪ .‬א אי מני בביתו אסור לאבל לצאת מביתו ללכת לבית הכנסת‪.‬‬
‫כו‪ .‬בברהמ"ז יש לומר הנוסח הרגילה של ברכת הטוב והמטיב ע תוספת לאבליד‪.‬‬
‫שבת שבתו שבעה‬
‫כז‪ .‬אי לעשות ניחו אבלי בליל שבת קוד מזמור שיר אלא בבהכנ"ס ולא כשמתפללי בביתטו‪.‬‬
‫כח‪ .‬סירב מר ז"ל לישב על כסא רגיל עד מזמור שיר‪.‬‬
‫טז‬
‫כט‪ .‬מותר לומר קבלת שבת ובמה מדליקי שהוא סדר התפילה שתיקנו חז"ל ‪.‬‬
‫ל‪ .‬מותר לשיר שלו עליכ בליל שבתיז‪.‬‬
‫יח‬
‫לא‪ .‬אסור לעלות לתורה תו שבעה ואפי' בשבת ואפי' א הוא רב ותמיד עולה בכל שבת ‪.‬‬
‫יא סבר מרן ז"ל שכדי לשער אם יש צער כ"כ להתיר‪ ,‬יכול לשער ע"י חשבון הפסד ממון‪ .‬שאם הם‬
‫ישלמו הרבה להיות שם בחתונה )וכגון אם החתונה בא"י והם בארצה"ב והם ילכו שמה להיות בחתונה(‪.‬‬
‫וע' אג"מ יו"ד ח"ב סי' קס"ט‪.‬‬
‫יב ממעשה שהי' שאמר שקשה לו להיות ש"ץ ומנה אחר תחתיו‪ .‬וע"כ סבר שיש ענין להיות ש"ץ‪) .‬גם לא‬
‫הקפיד מרן ז"ל שיטריח לקבץ מנין אלא לשחרית ולא למנחה ומעריב‪(.‬‬
‫יג כנגד דעת הגשר החיים שפסק שאם אין האבל ש"ץ יש לומר‪ .‬וע' אג"מ יו"ד ח"ד סי' ס"א ס"ק י"ב‬
‫וצ"ע‪.‬‬
‫יד ממעשה שהי' שכשהי' באמצע בהרמ"ז אמר 'גמ' ברכות' ‪ -‬שמותר לדבר תוך בהמ"ז לצורך‪ .‬ונתן לו‬
‫ברכון עם ברכת אבילות‪ .‬וגם הראה לו סידור יעב"ץ ואמר )אח"כ( שהנוסח הנמצא בסידור יעב"ץ מוצדק‬
‫יותר מהברכון שיש ברכה אחת של הטוב והמטיב הרגילה וכולל עמו גם ברכת אבילות‪ .‬משא"כ ברכון‬
‫שיש רק ברכת אבלים בלי ג' מלכיות וגם משנה הנוסח של בונה ירושלים שאין זה נכון‪.‬‬
‫טו משום שהטעם למנהג זה הוא משום שבביהמ"ק הי' שער מיוחד לאבלים‪ .‬ואין ענין זה אלא בבית‬
‫הכנסת‪.‬‬
‫טז וזה כנגד דעת הגשר החיים סי' כ"א ס"ק ה' אות ו'‪ .‬ושאל למרן שהלא הי' תיקון מר' שלמה אלקבץ‬
‫וענה שהי' אפי' קודם‪ .‬עוד אמר שאפי' אם יהי' מר' שלמה אלקבץ )ולא מחז"ל( בָל כיון שנתקבלו בכל‬
‫ישראל מעתה כבר נחשב כסדר התפילה‪ .‬אבל אין לאבל לומר שיר השירים שאין זה מסדר התפילה‪.‬‬
‫ואפילו אם כל הציבור אומרו‪ .‬ואע"פ שהוא מנהג מקובל‪ .‬שאינו מקובל בכל ישראל כ"כ כמו קבלת שבת‬
‫ולכן לא נחשב מסדר התפילה‪ .‬והטעם שמותר לומר במה מדליקין‪ ,‬אע"פ שאנו )בני אשכנז( אומרים אותה‬
‫רק מפני המתאחרים לבא אבל עתה כבר נחשב כסדר התפילה‪) .‬וגם כשהי' מתפלל מרן ז"ל בביהכנ"ס‬
‫שהתפללו נוסח ספרד הי' אומר במה מדליקין ולא כגונא שלשיטתו סבר שהוא חיוב לאמרו משום שהוא‬
‫מסדר התפילה(‪.‬‬
‫יז אע"פ שהגשר החיים )פרק כ"א סי' ה' סע' ו'( פסק שאין לשיר שלום עליכם משום שהוא נתינת שלום‬
‫למלאכים‪ ,‬טען מרן ז"ל שאין אנו מדברים עם המלאכים ואינו ענין נתינת שלום להם‪ .‬וגם אם לא אמרו‬
‫יהא אבילות בפרהסיא‪.‬‬
‫‪- 78 -‬‬
‫לב‪ .‬מותר להחלי בגדיו לכבוד שבת‪ .‬אבל רק מותר ללבוש בגדי נקיי אבל לא מגוהצייט‪.‬‬
‫לג‪ .‬מותר לאבל ללמוד מה שרגיל ללמוד בכל שבת‪ .‬וג מותר לעבור את הסדרה בשבת‪ .‬אבל רק‬
‫לאותו פרשה ורק ע אונקלוס ובלי מפרשי אחרי‪ .‬ואסור להשלי פרשה או לימוד אחר‪.‬‬
‫לד‪ .‬יש לומר ואני תפלתי בשבת מנחה‪.‬‬
‫לה‪ .‬אי אומרי ברכת אבלי בבהמ"ז בשבת‪.‬‬
‫לו‪ .‬במוצאי שבת יש להחלי מנעליו מיד אחר ברכו‪ .‬וקוד הבדלה ישב על כסא נמו‪ .‬ויכולי לנח‬
‫אפילו קוד הבדלה )על הכוס(‪.‬‬
‫לז‪ .‬אי לומר קידוש לבנה ביו א' דאבילות‪ .‬בשאר ימי אבילות א לא יהיה זמ לאחר שעומד‪ ,‬יכול‬
‫לאומרוכ‪ .‬אבל אומר רק הברכה ועד שלו עליכ )ועד בכלל(כא‪ .‬ולא שאר הפסוקי‪ .‬ויכול לקדש‬
‫בחו קרוב לבית‪.‬‬
‫לח‪ .‬במוצ"ש אומר למנצח לבני קרח אבל לא בערב שבת במנחה‪.‬‬
‫לט‪ .‬יש לומר תפלת רבו עולמי במוצ"ש אבל לא שאר זמירותכב‪.‬‬
‫מ‪ .‬אי אומרי וית ל במוצ"ש שאינו מסדר התפילה וחשוב לימוד התורה‪.‬‬
‫דיני ניחו אבלי‬
‫מא‪ .‬א יש רק אבל אחד יש לומר 'המקו ינח אות'כג‪.‬‬
‫מב‪ .‬המנהג הוא שאומר ינח אות או אתכ אפי' לרבי‪ .‬אבל א רצה לומר בדר כבוד הרשות בידו‬
‫שאינו מטבע שטבעו חכמי‪.‬‬
‫מג‪ .‬יש להמנחמי לישב תחילה )ואפילו לרגע( ואז לנח בי עומד בי יושב‪.‬‬
‫מד‪ .‬יכול אבל לנח אבל אחר ואפי' א ה יושבי למת אחד‪ .‬ויאמר המקו ינח אותי ואתככד‪.‬‬
‫יח באמת תמה מרן ז"ל למה יש איסור בזה כיון שאין אבילות בפרהסיא בשבת וגם אין הרב משנה מקומו‬
‫בשבת‪ .‬אבל פסק שלמעשה המנהג לאסור‪.‬‬
‫יט למעשה‪ ,‬מרן ז"ל החמיר על עצמו ולא החליף כל בגדיו אפי' לכבוד שבת‪ .‬ולשאר ימי שבעה פסק‬
‫שמותר ליתן לאחר ללבוש‪ .‬והציעו לו עצה ליתן טה או כדומה על הבגד שלא יהיה ממש נקיים‪ .‬והסכים‬
‫לזה‪ .‬וכן עשה‪ .‬וזה לכל שלושים‪.‬‬
‫כ ע' גשר החיים פרק כ"א סימן ה' סעיף ד'‪ .‬שהסברא שלא יאמר קידוש לבנה הוא מפני שהוא שמחה‪.‬‬
‫אבל טען מרן ז"ל שהשמחה היא ]כנוסח הברכה[ מחמת קבלת פני אביהם שבשמים פעם אחת בחדש‪ .‬וזה‬
‫מותר לאבל‪ .‬אבל אם עדיין יהיה זמן לאחר שעומד‪ ,‬מוטב שימתן‪.‬‬
‫כא אע"פ שבגשר החיים )שם( פסק שלא לאמרו אבל חלק על זה מרן ז"ל שאין מה שנותן שלום בקידוש‬
‫לבנה נכלל באיסור נתינת שלום‪ .‬שאין אנו שואלין בשלום אלא מברכין‪ .‬ע' בברכות נד‪ .‬בבועז‪.‬‬
‫כב מרן ז"ל הי' נוהג לומר כל הזמירות במוצ"ש‪ .‬אבל כיון שבזמירות יש כמה פסוקים אין לאבל לאומרם‬
‫)ואין דינם כפזמון כיון שהכוונה של הבעלי פזמונים אלו לכלל בתוכם כמה פסוקים(‪ .‬אבל רבון עולמים‬
‫הוי תפילה ואף שיש בה איזה פסוקים‪ .‬עוד אמר שהנוסח של רבון עולמים הנמצא בסידור יעב"ץ הוא‬
‫הנכון‪.‬‬
‫כג שאין נוסח זה תיקון ע"י חז"ל ואין לחוש למשנה ממטבע שטבעו חכמים‪ .‬והביא ראיה שלאחד יש לומר‬
‫בלשון יחיד ממה דאי' בשבת יב‪ :‬בביקור חולים המקום ירחם עליך‪ .‬ואע"פ שניחום אבלים הוא להחיים‬
‫ולהמתים כמו שכתוב הרמב"ם )הל' אבל פרק י"ד הל' ז'( ומשום הכי הוא קודם לביקור חולים כיון שהוא‬
‫חסד להחיים ולהמתים‪ ,‬אבל טען מרן ז"ל שזהו לענין קדימה בלבד‪ .‬אבל אין הנוסח נגרר אחר זה‪) .‬עוד‬
‫אמר שהקדימה הוא רק אם אין החולה צריך אותך‪ .‬אבל אם החולה צריך אותך ודאי ביקור חולים קודם‪.‬‬
‫שיש ב' אופני המצוה אם החולה צריך אותך ואם אין צריך אותך‪ .‬והביא ראי' שיש ב' אופנים בביקור‬
‫חולים מאברהם שלא בא הקב"ה לבקרו מפני איזה צורך שהי' לאברהם‪(.‬‬
‫כד ממעשה שהי' כשהתקשר לבן אחותו אמר נוסח זה בסוף‪ .‬וביאר שהטעם שאין אנו רגילין בזה משום‬
‫שאין דרך לאבל לצאת לחוץ אבל בטלפון יהא מותר‪.‬‬
‫‪- 79 -‬‬
- 80 -