Unlock Your Mojo-Get Unstuck Get Going Get Dates ebook final

Contents
The Simple Secret You’re Missing in Your Search for Love............... 1 10 Tips to Kick-Start Positive Change ................................................. 2 Seriously, You Should Be Looking for Love…And I Mean Right Now . 5 It’s Time to Accept Love and Affection in Your Life ............................. 7 A Dating and Looking for Love? Why You Should Think of Yourself
First ..................................................................................................... 9 Are You What’s Holding You Back from Finding Love? .................... 10 Stop Being So Damn Scared of Your Fabulous Self ........................ 12 How Chatting with Your Gorgeous Self Can Make You Happy ........ 15 Be Positive, Dammit! ......................................................................... 17 Be a Woman Who Knows She Is Enough ......................................... 19 How to Be a Powerful Feminine Woman ........................................... 21 The Cure for Dating Exhaustion ........................................................ 23 How to Turn Your Fear of Dating into Fun Dates .............................. 25 Why You Should Keep Dating: You’ve Slain Way Worse Dragons ... 27 Have Fun While Dating – Just Be Sure to Bring Along That Smart
Grownup Girl ..................................................................................... 30 25 Ways to Get Out and Have Fun This Weekend (Without Waiting for
a Date)............................................................................................... 32 Love Is All That Matters. Period. ....................................................... 35 The Simple Secret You’re Missing
in Your Search for Love
This, I think, is one of the biggest ironies of all: Good single men want
women just like you…yet you’re not yourself when you’re around
them.
Many fears stand in the way of you reaching your goal of finding love.
If there's one fear I hope you can shed, it’s that of exposing your true
and authentic self, particularly to men.
You really are who they want. And when you can just be yourself—
foibles, insecurities, imperfections and all—and open yourself up to
true connection, your life will explode with possibilities.
My wish for you as you read this book is that you'll find yourself, find
hope and get ready to find him. And if you need support, you will
reach out and let me help you find your loving life partner.
Cheers to you and to love!
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10 Tips to Kick-Start Positive Change
If you're serious about change, you’re going to have to literally make
some changes. Put simply, stagnation is never good. When you
refuse to change or embrace new challenges, you’re not going to get
any of the good stuff that comes with opening yourself up to new
experiences.
What’s keeping you from doing that? If you’re reading this, I can only
assume you want to find a fantastic man to share your life with. How
long have you been on the soul mate search?
If you keep doing the same things the same way, your situation isn’t
going to change. If a rabble of Mr. Rights hasn’t been beating down
your door, then logic dictates it’s time to try something else.
Chances are pretty good that your long-term singlehood has meant
you’ve built a lovely life for yourself. I’d be willing to bet you’re happy
with who you are on a basic level, but wouldn’t you love to be
extraordinary? That’s how it’s going to play out if you find that special
someone to share your days and nights with.
But I know that’s not how it is right now. You have to step up to the
plate and make it happen. Setting out with that intention means
accepting that you’re going to have to do a little growing and learning.
To find the man who’s going to be your perfect partner and best friend,
you’re going to have to commit to becoming the absolute best “you”
that you possibly can. I speak from experience, ladies. For almost
three decades I lived with an “I’m-happy-without-a-man-but-I-surewould-like-to-have-one” attitude. I waited for Mr. Right to stumble
across my path, believing I’d eventually nab a guy who was perfect for
me.
But over time I got bored, frustrated and just a little bit angry at this
approach. That’s when I admitted to myself that I’d have to be way
more proactive. I committed to making some fundamental changes in
my lifestyle and in myself, and now I’m married to the man of my
dreams.
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Want to know how I did it? To find the man who brought untold love
and affection into my life, I had to do things differently. You can do the
same thing.
Don’t panic yet! Your change doesn’t have to be life-altering or
desperately drastic. Take baby steps, changing things just a little at a
time to see how the shift feels. Take the time to determine how it
impacts your daily experience and the way you feel about it.
Here are 10 tips to get you started. They’re all simple, so don’t limit
yourself to choosing just one. The more you try, the more success
you’ll find!
1. Ask for a man’s assistance with something. It can be something
as simple as giving you directions or recommending a good book.
When he helps you (And don’t think for a minute that men don’t love it
when a woman asks for help with something simple.), make sure you
offer a sincere smile and a gracious thank you.
2. Take the time to do something sweet for a man you just met.
Offer a compliment on his cufflinks or tell him you love the way his
eyes crinkle when he
laughs. A simple, sincere
communication of this
sort will stay with him,
and he’ll revel in the
memory for a week.
3. Ask the man behind
you in line a simple,
no-brainer question.
Ask him what he’s going
to make with the Roma
tomatoes and olive oil in
his grocery basket.
4. Approach a woman
who’s striking style you admire and ask her what salon she uses.
Then make an appointment for a new hairstyle or a girly manicure.
5. Talk to two men you trust and ask them to give you an example
of one thing they wish every woman knew about dating. Take their
insight to heart, and explore how you can make it work for you.
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6. Scope out the singles events in your locale or online and sign
up. Google will come through for you if you put in something as simple
as “singles book club+[your city].”
7. Buy a new bra that’s feminine as well as functional. While
you’re at the department store, swing through the lingerie and see
what strikes your fancy.
8. The next time you see an attractive man—whether you’re in
line at the DMV or sitting on a park bench enjoying a brown bag
lunch—make eye contact for three full seconds. Don’t forget to
give a little smile.
9. Talk with three people whose judgment you trust and tell them
you’re ready to find a great guy. Then ask each to help you meet
two new men. That’s six potential dates—and one of them may
change your life!
10. Shave your legs and put on some lipstick. You’ll instantly feel
more attractive, and men you meet will notice that confidence.
I said I’d give you 10 tips, but I’m feeling generous and want to give
you an extra. Starting today, you have to do one more incredibly
important thing differently: stop listening to the voice in your head
that’s been steering you wrong regarding how you respond to men
and handle relationships with them. I know you know what I’m talking
about. This is the voice that says, “I’m too
tired/shy/embarrassed/scared to say something to a man I’ve never
met at the gym.”
Ignore that voice; in fact, silence it altogether—if only for one day. This
kind of self-talk sabotage isn’t doing you any good, and it’s probably
doing you some harm. It won’t be easy to do at first, but with practice
you can banish those negative self-fulfilling prophecies.
One small step today can set you off on a journey of incredible change
and fulfillment tomorrow. Set the intention to feel powerful, look pretty,
connect with others and learn something new about yourself. I
promise you it won’t be so scary as you think to change your
approach. Prepare for some delightful discoveries about yourself, and
be sure to have fun along the way!
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Seriously, You Should Be Looking for
Love…And I Mean Right Now
I’ve been coaching this glorious woman, “Pam.” We’re working
together to comfortably guide her back into the dating world. Our goal
is for her to meet a man she enjoys, trusts and can develop a secure
relationship with. Does Pam want marriage? Not necessarily.
Commitment? Yes, please. Fun and safety until she finds him?
Absolutely.
When I met her she said the magic words to me: “My life is great. Why
would I screw it up by getting involved with a man?” Oh, my friend,
those words are my calling card.
I instantly loved Pam. She is me. I
knew I had to work with her. My
job—my passion—is showing
women like Pam that adding a man
to your life can do just that: add to
your life. It doesn’t have to diminish
anything. It most certainly doesn’t
have to change what you love about
yourself or what you love about your
life.
Tell me if this sounds like you or
maybe a girlfriend of yours: Pam is
56. She's educated, has had a
rewarding career, owns a nice
home, has raised two fantastic kids,
and has a circle of loving friends.
She is quite rightly proud of her achievements and credits herself for
doing it practically solo. Pam was married once a long time ago; but
ask her and she’ll tell you she’s single, not divorced. She hasn’t had a
“real” date for a while, and it’s been forever since she’s had a
meaningful relationship. But, in general, Pam’s been quite satisfied
with her life this way. Sometimes she wished she had a companion,
but those thoughts were fleeting. She liked her life: no reason to
change it.
I get it. I lived it. But here’s my question: what if you found the right
man? The one who thinks you are delightful and beautiful and
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brilliant? The one who boasts to his friends about your successes and
supports you in all you do? The one who makes you feel safe, gives
you permission to soften, and lets you be the complex woman you
are? What if you found that man? Would you be willing to make that
change to your life?
Pam has decided to take this journey. I’m asking all you "Pams" out
there to open yourself up to the possibility of adding a fabulous man to
your life. Your journey to find him, whom you choose, and the way he
impacts your life: that’s all entirely up to you. The fact is that you're in
the perfect position to be searching for love. You’re a grown-up!
You’re a content, mature woman of depth who knows and likes
yourself, has a great support system, and has life experience to guide
you wisely.
Think about this. Can you open your heart for a good and loving man?
Do you trust yourself, respect yourself, and feel worthy enough to let
yourself have this ultimate joy in life? Yes, your life is nice. But you
know, in your heart and in your head, that the right man and a loving
relationship could put your happy-meter over the top.
Really, the question is this: Can you date and love like a grown-up?
We’ll talk about that next.
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It’s Time to Accept Love and Affection in Your
Life
Every day I talk to women who are frustrated and saddened by not
having intimate love in their lives. My clients and most of my single
friends are over 40, and there seems to be a common thread: they're
resistant because they're afraid of giving up their independence. But
adding a man to your life really isn’t about giving anything up. It’s
about adding something: the ability to receive and accept love.
A woman I once met is the shining example of this. Lori was beautiful
inside and out. I instantly admired and envied her. She was überstylish, exquisitely thin and healthy looking, and she lit up the room.
She was friendly and open, and she spoke with pride, confidence and
clarity. She knew what she wanted and how to get it.
That was when she talked about her business.
A completely different Lori emerged when the conversation changed
to her romantic life. This lively, confident woman turned sad, insecure
and seemingly hopeless.
Her story is so common among mature, single women: she created a
good life for herself, did it almost single-handedly, and rightfully wears
that as a badge of honor. But now, in her later years, she longs for
companionship and affection. She fears living the rest of her life
without it. But I think she fears having it even more.
I know this story up front and personal. I was successful and
independent when I (finally) married at age 47. Like so many single
women, I had a great deal of strength and fortitude, and I had
accomplished and overcome many things in my life. And I had done it
on my own. I wasn't willing to give up my independence and the happy
life I had created for myself. My mantra:
"I don’t need a man. I just want one."
Lori said this to me. I’d venture to say that any woman who grew up
with “women’s lib” has uttered this phrase. Use whichever word you
want: "need" or "want." The truth is that we know our lives would be
richer if we could share it with someone special. But there's something
standing in the way that seems insurmountable.
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We say we don’t want to compromise or change. I just don’t buy that
as the real fear. It’s fear of giving up emotional control. That’s what
creates an inability to receive love and care—especially from a man.
There are so many factors that lead us to the stifling belief that we
need to do it all ourselves and that “letting” a man do for us weakens
us or makes us (heaven forbid) neeeeedy.
I want you to learn what I
finally learned, and that's
that it's okay to need a
man. It’s okay to let a
man do more for you
than buy you dinner. It’s
okay to receive help and
loving care from a man.
It’s okay!
You know you have a
have a ton to give;
you’ve been doing that all your life. Now you need to learn how to be
cherished, adored and, yes, even taken care of. Adding this to your
life in no way negates your accomplishments or requires you to lessen
the desire or ability to take care of yourself. You still have to do that. In
fact, a mature man will want you to do that. You’ll just have an extra
cheerleader and sage to help you along.
Once you learn it’s okay, you’ll soon learn the magnificence of it. Men
love to be needed. They need to be needed. Once you embrace this
and dare to open up to receive, you'll be able to bask in the glow of
knowing that you have a protecting, supportive partner in life.
Seriously, what can possibly be wrong about that?
Take time to notice how open you are to receiving from men. Are you
letting them hold doors for you, give you advice, or tell you how lovely
you look? And notice how well you receive. When you receive, how do
you feel?
Ladies, this is a shift in thought that must take place if you’re going to
have a meaningful relationship with a mature man. You can do it. I
mean, really: even Gloria Steinem got married.
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A Dating and Looking for Love? Why You Should
Think of Yourself First
Do you know that you're special, that you count big time, and that you
deserve to think of yourself first when dating and developing a love
relationship?
This is such a difficult concept for so many women.
"Think of myself first? That’s so selfish! I’ve never done that
before…ever! I don’t want to become one of those bossy, bitchy
women!"
I hear this from many of my coaching clients as I try to veer them
away from first wondering what he thinks and needs. This is their
pattern and has been for a very long time. As a testament to that, they
all had long, generally unhappy marriages where they were always the
one giving, and he the one taking…and controlling.
Yep…I tell them…that “he should be first” thing is probably why you’ve
been making some pretty crappy choices in the past. Now it’s about
you, girlfriend. Get used to it.
It may sound selfish at first, but pay close attention to what I’m saying:
think of yourself FIRST. Not "always." Not "only." Just first.
Make sure your critical needs are met. Make sure he has your “musthaves.” Make sure you get what you need from him and from the
relationship. Make sure you can be you—the REAL you—when you’re
with him.
Because when you find that guy, you'll naturally want to give back.
You won’t be able to help yourself, and it'll be from the heart. Knowing
you (And yes, I do think I know you.), you’ll probably give him what he
wants and needs in spades. Lucky man!
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Are You What’s Holding You Back from Finding
Love?
Why do we hold on to the man who isn’t good for us, our feelings of
insecurity and being less-than, or our pattern of picking jerks and
liars? These are all self-sabotaging behaviors and beliefs, and
intellectually we know it. Yet we cling on for dear life, feeling
powerless over our unfortunate circumstance(s).
That’s exactly what one of my relationship coaching clients, Alison,
once told me. She said she felt she had done all she could to meet her
future husband and the father of the children she so desperately
wants. She felt the rest was up to “them.” In the kindest way possible,
I told her that I disagreed; she had not done all she could.
Did she believe me? I mean really
believe me? Probably not just yet. It’s
true that by the time women come to me,
they're clearly open to dating tips and
advice. They've generally accepted that
they need to make shifts in order to
improve their dating and romantic life. But
lasting, forward movement may still take
time. Her heart and mind needed to open
so she could let change take flight. I was
there to help her do that.
What was true is this: with the tools
Alison had in her toolkit at that point, she
was pretty well topped out. But with new
information, experiences and
compassionate support, she became the
woman who attracted that man and knew him when she saw him.
I once read a fantastic article on Huffington Post that I believe can
help women—including me—who “know” we can improve certain
areas of our lives yet can’t seem to actually do it. Our fears, old habits,
and crippling truths create such an enormous barrier that it feels
impossible and even downright hopeless.
Tom Ferry, CEO of YourCoach and success coach to more than
100,000 people, wrote an article for Huffington Post called "The 4
Addictions That Destroy Your Dreams (They’re Not What You Think)."
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It didn’t give all the answers, but the four addictions (or, if you prefer,
habits) he brought up are real and in our way of getting what we want
in life.
See if any of these four "addictions" describe you and what may be
holding you back.
1. The Addiction to opinions of other people. As a society, we’re
addicted to what others think about us and how others’ views of the
world affect us.
2. The Addiction to drama. Some people are drawn to and
consumed by any event or situation that occupies their thoughts and
fills their mind with negativity, which often brings attention to them in
unproductive ways.
3) The Addiction to the past. These people have an unhealthy
attachment to events or situations that have occurred in the past.
They’re stuck in how things used to be.
4) The Addiction to worry. This addiction is comprised of all the
negative and self-defeating thoughts that make us anxious, disturbed,
upset and stressed, thus holding us back in life.
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Stop Being So Damn Scared
of Your Fabulous Self
I often have clients share stories about their past dating and
relationships, telling of how they stayed with men who made them
unhappy. These otherwise-smart women tried and tried to be who the
men wanted them to be, but it never worked out. Looking back, they
kick themselves for staying so long. Those men were not only wrong
for them; they were cads.
I believe this statement is generally true: A woman can twist herself
like a pretzel to please a man and persuade him to adore her.
My friend Pegi reminded me of this. While having dinner with a new
man she was interested in, he told her he wanted to date multiple
women at this time in his life. She asked me, “What should I have
said?”
My immediate response was, “What do you want? Do you want to
date a man who wants that?”
Allow me to deconstruct my thoughts about this.
1. Believe him.
Pegi said she didn’t know whether to take him seriously. When a man
tells you personal information about himself—especially about what he
wants in his life—believe him. Odds are that he’s telling you some
important truth he wants you to know. Will he change his mind some
day? Maybe. Should you wait for that? Nope.
2. Even soft pretzels break.
Pegi was looking for a relationship. She established that early on in
her return to dating after many years. Why would she even consider
this guy? To go on one more date with this man was a bend I didn’t
think she should make. This is significant stuff! It’s not agreeing to
watch football next Sunday or go to a sushi restaurant even though
the smell makes you want to puke.
Accommodating this, even for one more date, would contrary to who
she is. First, she wanted something very different. Second, she
wouldn’t be able to trust or respect this 60-year-old man who wants
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this. Third (and most important), she ultimately wouldn’t trust or
respect herself if she made this bend.
3. You’re the star in your story.
That Pegi’s first response was “What should I have said?” told me she
was considering him first. It was a mix of “What should I do to keep
him interested?” and “What should I say not to appear mean?” She
really didn’t care if he was interested; that was her ego reacting. When
she thought about it from the perspective of what she wanted, it was
easy. She knew he wasn’t someone she wanted to date. It’s
interesting and distressing that her kneejerk reaction was to figure out
what would please him. We do that. We need to stop doing that.
Once you’re clear on what you want and who you are, be that person.
Period. Always. Show up as yourself and keep that fabulous woman
present. Thinking of
yourself first may require
practice. It’s not about
what he wants or how
he'll react. It’s only about
your truth, and that truth
should always be your
first concern.
Now it's your turn with
this. Think about the last
time a man told you
something about himself that you didn’t like. What was the immediate
conversation in your head? (C’mon. It’s a known fact we all overthink
this stuff.) Was it "Do I like this about him?" or "Is this what I want?" Or
was it about him, what he wants, or whether your willingness to accept
this would make him like you more?
There are three fantastic payoffs of staying grounded in who you are
and confidently being that person on every date.
One of the top-ranked attributes men like about women is
“authenticity.” Most men can spot your twists and turns, ladies. When
you're just being yourself, that’s a turn on. It signals confidence, which
is very attractive to mature and confident men.
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When you’re being yourself, you'll attract the man who's going to be a
good partner for you. When he meets you he’ll know it and have the
“Hey! She wants me and I can make her happy!” response. Off you go
with a hope of a great relationship.
Playing a character is exhausting. You’ll be so tired, and chances are
it won’t go well even though you’ve worked so hard.
On your next date, commit to practicing this. Just stay aware and be
your real, true self. I promise that on your way home you'll feel 100%
better than you did after your previous 10 dates.
Oh! And here’s what I think Pegi should have said: “Thank you for
telling me that, Bob. That’s different than what I want in my life right
now. I appreciate lunch, but we won’t be a good match.” And then she
should have never looked back.
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How Chatting with Your Gorgeous Self
Can Make You Happy
Larry sometimes leaves his wedding ring on his bedside table in the
morning. I hate when he does that. So, as I always do, I put it on my
thumb and walk around with it on all day. I do that so when he gets
home, he notices and gets the message. Sure enough he does, and I
get that look from him that says, “Sorry, I know that bugs you.”
But I think: if he knows it bugs me, WHY does he do it??? Why
doesn’t he pay more attention? And there I stay for a little while.
Cogitating. Getting bugged. Getting mad.
Then I stop. That’s what I do when I feel myself getting mad at my
dear man. Because really, feeling mad at him is unpleasant and I try
to avoid it.
I do that very consciously. I have a process. I talk to myself before I
say a word to him. It goes something like this:
The loved and adored Bobbi: What did he do to make you mad?
The Pissed Off Bobbi: He knows that bugs me. And if he really
cared, he’d pay more attention!
LaAB: Well, do you think he does it purposely to upset you?
POB: No, but he still shouldn’t do it.
It bugs me that he forgets.
LaAB: Why does it bug you? Do you
think he’s off picking up hot chicks at
the local bar?
POB: Uh…hell no.
LaAD: So, you know he doesn’t do it
on purpose—and that even when he
does leave it at home, it has no
significance: he simply forgot to put it
back on.
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No Longer POB: Yes, I know both those things. Okay, fine. It's a
pretty stupid thing to get mad about in the first place. I guess it’s me
who better get over it.
See how that goes? This usually takes place in seconds as he’s
standing in front of me. This is a large part of why we don’t fight and
always talk to each other respectfully. We both do this.
Had I not had that little chat with my silly self, something like “I’ve
asked you not to do that so many times! Why do you keep doing it?”
would have come out of my mouth. And you know how that spirals
down to two people being mad at each other. (Or, more likely, your
being mad at him as he promptly forgets you even had the
conversation.)
This works, and it’s the grown-up thing to do. 99.9% of the time you’ll
find that this five-second pause makes the difference between your
feeling safe and loved tonight, or your walking around pissed off and
feeling insecure for the next two days.
I know which one I would pick every time.
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Be Positive, Dammit!
Do you go month to month or even year to year repeating the same
mantra about men? It leaves your mouth in various forms, but you’ve
got only one point: to release yourself from any responsibility and
keep yourself safe and snug-as-a-bug-in-a-rug without the worry of
that pesky intimacy thing.
"There are no good men out there. I’m better off without a man. I don’t
want any man who isn’t willing to accept me exactly as I am. All the
men my age are old fuddy-duddies, and the younger ones won’t want
me." Blah, blah, blah.
Okay, ladies. I’m here to say once again: Just Stop It!
As a smart woman once told me: it’s scary out there.
Yep. It is. Putting yourself out there is scary. Hoping for something
really big is scary. Openly searching for the love and acceptance of
others is scary.
I may not have this particular fear anymore (I’ve found the love of my
life.), but I certainly have others like it. Take the blog on my website,
for example. My mantra for the longest time was “No one will ever
read my blog, and if they do why would they be interested in what I
have to say?” That kept me from starting for many months, and it still
keeps me from writing at times.
I’m convinced that this stuff we get stuck in our heads is simply about
self-protection. I’m also convinced that playing it safe is just not worth
it, and that trying—just the act of trying—gives us the confidence and
pride we need to propel us forward.
If I had played it safe, I’d be single and working in a corporate job that
was sucking the life out of me. Instead, I spend every day of my life
with a good man I love and who loves me, and I’m given the gift of
being able to help women improve their lives.
When we hold back out of fear, we give up so much. We risk missing
moments of our lives that can create such extraordinary joy and give
us such a feeling of purpose and meaning. When we go for it, our
experiences can go beyond anything we’ve ever dreamed.
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So for my part, I’m going to stay strong and positive and keep putting
myself out here, hoping that you love and accept me. And, missy, I
expect you to do the same…with men.
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Be a Woman Who Knows She Is Enough
Your fear of being rejected because you're imperfect is exactly what's
getting you rejected.
Two recent experiences reminded me of how major this is, so here I
am reminding you in case you still don’t get it.
I remember attending a reunion of about 15 women I knew from junior
high school. Two are close friends today; the others I hadn’t seen in
about 35 years.
Junior high and high school weren't happy times for me. My days were
consumed with feelings of being too fat, too short, too uninteresting,
too not-good-enough. I was envious of my friends who were all thin
and fun and popular—especially with the boys.
The way I remembered it, I was a hanger-on: lucky to be part of their
cool crowd. I was the girl they asked to drive because they would all
hook up with some cute boy and I would need a way home. ("Hooking
up" was a little different then.) I never had a real boyfriend; just lots of
crushes and some meaningless romps. They had boys all around
them, begging for their attention. And they had very close friendships
with one another. That’s what I remembered.
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Fast forward 30-plus years, when I reconnected with my friend
Lindsay. She and I were "bestest" girlfriends in junior high when we
were 13 and 14 years old. So there we were at 50, and Lindsay
started talking about how popular I was. She told me that all the girls
and all the boys liked me because I was so cute and so nice. (I guess
I was known as a nice girl then, which I’m proud of today. But at 14,
who knew being nice counted?)
After talking with Lindsay, it occurred to me that I spent about 30 years
of my life feeling like I wasn’t good enough: like I could never get the
things in life that those cute and popular girls got. And wouldn’t you
know it: I didn’t get those things! I didn’t have the feeling of fitting in or
being valued in social settings, especially when men were involved. I
didn’t have the attention of men or the relationships and marriages
that other women had.
It wasn’t until I was in my 40s that I finally decided enough was
enough. I was sick of myself and my inability to have a good
relationship. I committed to honest introspection, learning new stuff,
and getting support from experts. And I finally realized I was okay. I
was like everyone else: somewhat flawed, but still a great person. I
was worthy of acceptance and love…even from men.
So I stopped wasting time dwelling on my imperfections and set out
leading with what was fabulous about me. Did I have to fake it for a
while? Yes. But then I started believing it. And then my husband Larry
walked into my life, and he wanted me…just how I was.
On Valentine’s Day a few years ago, I attended an event with a “man
panel.” The women in the audience were able to ask the panel
members questions, and they got some honest answers. Here's an
example of what was discussed that day.
A 40-something single woman asked, "What is the one thing that
attracts you to a woman you would consider as a life partner?"
The answer came from a 29-year-old hot-looking single man, who
replied, "The woman I’m attracted to is one who knows that she is
enough."
If a 29-year-old guy gets this, don’t you think it’s time you do?
Stop wasting time holding back, expecting rejection, and feeling lessthan. Be the woman who knows you are enough.
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How to Be a Powerful Feminine Woman
Want to attract a confident, grounded man who will enhance your
already great life? The best way to do it is to act like a lady. Yes, that
age-old scenario is still true: masculine men are attracted to feminine
women.
Men want to know that they’re contributing to our lives. When a man
cares about you, making you happy is his mission. If you don’t allow
him this gift, chances are he won't stay. Or, if he does, he'll give you
what you ask for: nothing.
When I conduct workshops and talk to clients about this, women want
to know exactly what being "feminine" means. Am I supposed to let
him do things for me that I can easily do myself? Am I not supposed to
disagree when he says something I think is wrong? My answer is
yes…sometimes.
I know what they’re getting at when they ask these questions. These
are strong, independent and smart women. The last thing they want to
do is to act like some helpless 1950s Mad Men-style female. They’ve
been working all their adult lives NOT to be that woman.
I understand their fear, but it’s not this stereotype of a woman that
men today are looking for. Being in your feminine means many things,
but none of them have to do with giving up your power. In fact, it is
your power.
Femininity means being open, kind and positive. It means receiving
gracefully and giving generously…not of material things but of your
heart and your genuine self. It means being his biggest fan and letting
him feel that his efforts to please you are appreciated and welcomed.
So yes, sometimes being a powerful, feminine woman translates into
allowing a man to do things you can do for yourself and letting him be
right…even when you think he’s not.
I found a fantastic example of this when talking with my hair stylist.
Sharon was a few months into a relationship with a spectacular man.
They met online and have a drama-free, lovely relationship that
moved rapidly toward marriage. She told me this great story, which is
a perfect example of choosing to use your feminine power.
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Sharon and her boyfriend decided to take a last-minute trip during a
holiday weekend. He told her he would plan it all and was very excited
about the opportunity to do so. After a couple days she got a text from
him saying, “So sorry sweetheart, but I can’t find anywhere to go. All
sold out.”
She wanted to take a trip, so she instantly went to her computer to find
a hotel. Then she stopped. Even though she was confident she could
find a place, she decided not to. He was so excited about doing this
for her and was so disappointed he couldn’t. Sharon knew that if she
was able to, he would feel embarrassed and…well…emasculated.
Sharon chose to forgo a little getaway in exchange for maintaining the
loving and nurturing relationship she has developed with her devoted
man. Now that is a feminine woman holding on to a wonderful
masculine man.
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The Cure for Dating Exhaustion
“I’m tired of being exhausted.” That’s what Shari told me during a
coaching session. We’d only worked together a few weeks, but she’d
had some "aha moments" that had started her on the path of making
different choices. She was open to seeing herself differently,
especially in relation to men and dating. She was happier and more
hopeful, and she was actually finding the “real Shari” instead of the gal
who was led by her fixation with finding a man.
When Shari and I first met, she was dating two men. Both were hot
(her words) and fun to be with. Sounds perfect, right? She’d been
seeing both men for some time, yet
neither had moved into the boyfriend
role. She was hoping that would
eventually happen—especially with
one in particular. When she spent time
with each she enjoyed it; when they
were apart, she experienced all kinds
of doubt and insecurity. She was
constantly trying to figure out why they
weren’t moving to commitment and
monogamy and how to make it
happen.
One of my roles as a coach is to help
women look closely and honestly at
their lives today and the choices
they're making. When Shari looked,
she admitted that each man had made
it clear he didn't want a lasting,
meaningful relationship with her. These men were nice but were in it
for the moments. They liked her, but neither was going to be The One
to love and adore her for life. Each had told her in his own way; she
just wasn’t choosing to hear it.
That wasn’t pleasant to acknowledge, but Shari finally accepted it and,
with my help, released them romantically. Since she had been working
on what she loved about herself (Step 1 in my 6-Step Find Hope and
then Find Him System) and what qualities in a man would truly fulfill
her (Step 2 of my System), Shari was then open and more ready to
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make better choices. She went on to live her life while keeping an eye
out for the good guys.
Enter Mike. Mike had been a friend of Shari’s for over a year, but she
never thought of him as a potential partner. After spending time with
him over a weekend (during which he helped her with all kinds of
repairs around her house), she realized he seemed to truly like and
appreciate her. They had fun together. They talked about all kinds of
things. Hmmm…he was now looking like a good candidate for a longterm relationship, and he was telling her that he saw the same
potential.
When I asked her how she felt when she was with him, she said It
Was Easy. She trusted him and felt emotionally safe. Wonderfully, she
said, “I feel like he likes my heart.”
Shari now knows what it feels like to be with a man who appreciates
and adores her versus a man who simply likes hanging out with her.
She had been working her butt off to get the wrong men to like her.
She was living with insecurity and self-doubt, in a constant struggle to
figure out how to be different so she could be accepted. When she let
herself be and hung out with a friend, not only did she feel accepted,
but she felt seen. Isn’t that what we all want?
“I’m tired of being exhausted.” It was brilliant. Shari got it.
It's not about being what men want; it’s about being you. When you
are your best self and willing to openly express that to men, the man
who makes you feel emotionally safe and likes your heart will cross
your path. He will dig you, and he will be your guy.
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How to Turn Your Fear of Dating into Fun Dates
When you think of dating – especially online dating – do you feel any
fear? Do you get even a tiny twinge of terror?
If your answer is “yes,” you are not alone. In fact, I think you’re among
the majority.
The women I’m coaching often tell me about situations they describe
as “scary.” Here are some examples:
• He wants to meet in person after just one email.
• He asked her where she lived.
• He’s beginning to get touchier and seems to want sex; she likes him
but is not ready.
• He texted her with a question loaded with sexual innuendo.
I get it. When I was
dating, some of this
scared me, too. I
remember thinking
“Crap! What do I do?”
and feeling super
uncomfortable.
Now, as an amazingly
happily married
woman, I can look
back and see that I
actually felt fear: real,
physical fear. And now I know why: because I felt out of control.
In these situations I felt like I wasn't in charge. I felt somewhat
powerless. That was definitely not a place where I was at all happy.
So I learned to take control of the process. That’s what I teach my
clients, and I recommend you do that as well.
Note what I said: Take control of the process. I didn’t say the people
or the relationships. You have no control over what other people do,
but you have 100% control over what you do, right?
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Here are a few ways to get that control:
• Know and honor yourself.
• Be clear about what you want in a man and a relationship, and do
not compromise on your must-haves.
• Visualize and/or plan how you would like to meet, date and relate
with men.
• Establish your boundaries and stick to them.
• Learn how to communicate your boundaries and essential needs.
• Be ready to leave if, after clear and kind communication, he does not
agree to meet your needs.
• Respect the men you meet and treat them kindly—and expect the
same in return.
If these aren't in your current dating repertoire, I encourage you to
commit to doing what it takes to get there. You'll most likely need to do
some honest self-reflection and make a renewed commitment to
learning and growing.
The payoff is gigantic. You'll become more open to meeting men, feel
more relaxed when you're with them, and make much better choices
in the men you choose to spend time with. Men—at least the good
guys—will respect you for knowing what you want and taking care of
yourself.
That’s all good stuff, but here's the most important part: You will feel
an incredible love and respect for yourself.
This is about taking care of yourself and realizing you can date the
way you want to date. Again, you can’t (and don’t want to) control
other people, but you can absolutely control the most significant
elements of your experience.
You are a smart, in control, magnificent woman. You don’t have to be
afraid.
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Why You Should Keep Dating: You’ve Slain Way
Worse Dragons
Every year when Valentine's Day approaches, I think of those of you
who are hoping for love to come into their lives. It was always the time
of year that my “screw this; I give up” voice started endlessly beating
its drum. Sometimes the frustration and disappointment was just too
much. Luckily, I never 100% convinced myself that I was better off
without a life partner.
(I hope you fail at this like I did. The wait is worth it.)
Fortitude: Strength of mind that enables a person to encounter
danger or bear pain or adversity with courage.
What are your fears and frustrations around dating and looking for
your mate? Contrast those to other challenges and disappointments in
your life. Are you still so afraid that it’s worth giving up? Come on,
you’re a grownup; you’ve slain greater dragons than this.
Being rejected by a man is the least of your problems. The emotional
intensity we feel around dating and mating can create such
vulnerability and discomfort that it seems ominous—or at least like
something we want to avoid.
Wisdom is figuring out what you need before you give up. Fortitude is
about not giving up before you figure out how to get what you need.
The benefit of being in our 40s, 50s and 60s is our clarity about what
we want (our wisdom), and our ability to overcome obstacles to get it
(our fortitude).
Here’s my advice to help you date happily and find love
1. Don’t talk yourself out of dating.
Not only do you want this and deserve it, but you have the
wherewithal to get it. Stick with it.
We all experience rejection, confusion, self-doubt, and fears of all
kinds when we actively pursue love. If you’re going to use self-talk
(which is something I’m expert at), use it to your advantage. Nix the
“this is useless, I will never find anyone, I’m better off alone” talk.
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Replace it with the “I usually get what I want, I deserve a great man, I
know how to do this, and I will figure this out” talk.
2. If nothing else, dating is about learning and growing.
There are very few experiences that warrant a decision to stop looking
for love. Save those: every conversation, email or date you have will
be able to teach you something new about yourself or men. It's like
anything else you do; the more you learn, the better you get. In the
worst case, you may not find your lifetime partner—but you’ll have a
lovely and fun time looking.
You have to actively look for these moments. If he responded
positively to you, why do you think he did that? If you expected him to
call but he didn’t, what does that teach you about him or about
yourself? (Remember, if he doesn’t call it’s just about him; it's not
about all men.) Did you make good decisions? Were you authentic?
Did you practice kindness
to him and yourself?
Looking at it from this
perspective will keep the
focus on positive forward
movement.
3. Perspective,
perspective,
perspective.
Being rejected by a man
or feeling like you’ve
somehow ruined an
opportunity for connection with a great guy is a minor obstacle
compared to what you’ve risen above in your life. You have an
otherwise full and satisfying life that you’ve worked hard to achieve.
Joyful dating and finding love is the icing on the cake.
If you have trouble remembering this, at least remember
Commandment #2. There are no bad dates or wasted chances.
Everything you do in your search for love brings you closer to finding
it.
4. Keep your eyes on the prize.
Whether your goal is to find everlasting love or to simply enjoy dating
and find a companion, keep focused and try to shut out all the other
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noise. Like anything that's truly precious and meaningful in your life,
you can do the work to get to the goal.
Part of fortitude is not giving up before you figure out how to get what
you need. Part of wisdom is figuring out what you need before you
give up. If you’ve been dating for some time and haven’t been having
fun or found your special man, my wish for you is that you find the
strength of mind and courage not to give up before you figure it out.
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Have Fun While Dating – Just Be Sure to Bring
Along That Smart Grownup Girl
How many times after a relationship (or even a brief dalliance ends)
have you realized that the man wasn’t for you after all? Ahhh...the
beauty of retrospect.
Maybe it was a day after; maybe it was months after. Whenever you
regained your perspective and your rational mind kicked back in, it
was clear to you he wasn't Mr. Right after all. He didn’t treat you well,
he didn’t share your values or have your must-haves, the sex was
good but your conversations weren’t (or vice versa), or maybe he just
wasn’t someone you could see yourself being happy with for any
length of time.
But in the moments when you were waiting for his calls, trying to
analyze everything he was thinking, being the woman you thought he
wanted you to be, and focusing on him so much that the rest of your
life seemed secondary…he seemed like “The One.”
Not only do I hear this from clients all the time, but I lived it myself.
“Ed” is my best (but not my only) example. He brought me two dozen
roses the first time we met. He lived in an amazing house in the
mountains, and he had red hair (which I always loved). We dated for
about four months. I thought I was in love with him.
When Ed ended it with me, I cried my eyes out. Then, literally, within
about an hour, it dawned on me: we had a terrible time together. We
fought (and I’m not a fighter), he was controlling, he was stuck on his
last psycho girlfriend, and he was just plain weird.
Ultimately, I realized that my tears weren't for Ed. They were for my
grief at thinking I’d never find a man who loved me. After all, here was
another one who didn’t.
But here’s what I also realized: I had talked myself into loving this man
because he was there, because he showed interest in me, and
because I loved the idea of getting flowers and living in the mountains
with a red-headed guy. I had parlayed that into a true belief that I
could be happy with this man, even though everything else pointed in
the complete opposite direction.
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How many times have you ultimately found yourself saying, “I don’t
know what I was thinking! He wasn’t any great catch after all”? Have
you ever asked yourself what your life would be like if you hadn’t
wasted the time with the idiots and mismatches and had used that
time to meet other men who were good for you, made you feel good
about yourself, and who you truly enjoyed being with?
Why not try to just save yourself the pain and wasted time? You know
that perspective and rational thinking you seem to find after something
ends? Grab hold of it and keep it with you while you’re meeting men
and dating. Keep your heart open, and enjoy the giggling, flirting and
unabashed attraction. But make sure that girl shows up alongside the
smart, wise woman who takes good care of herself.
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25 Ways to Get Out and Have Fun This Weekend
(Without Waiting for a Date)
When I was single, I had a love-hate relationship with weekends. Yea!
I didn’t have to wake up to that horrid alarm, go to work and then be
forced to spend eight (sometimes more) hours with people I’d never
want to have a drink with if my life depended on it.
On the other hand, weekends always reminded me of my supersingleness. One by one they would go by without even a date, or I’d
have a date that lasted an hour and sucked. That just seemed to
make me feel worse. (You know: another one bites the dust.)
I did go out with my girlfriends. Hanging with the married ones
accentuated my feelings of loneliness and failure. When I was with my
single friends, we went shopping or sat around and ate, talking about
work and, eventually, men.
We talked about our lack of men, our crappy last date, the men who
got away, when we were going to give up and…of course, what jerks
they are.
Sound familiar at all?
Now I can look back as a blissfully married lady and see how
unconstructive—even destructive—that was. I’m sure I could have
been doing things that were more fun, fed my soul, made me laugh
and, yes, brought me closer to finding a good guy to spend time with.
Remember: you don’t have to be in the presence of a man to be one
step closer to finding The One. Doing things that make you feel good
about yourself and enhance your life are essential to this process.
Generous, happy, well-rounded women attract generous, happy, wellrounded men.
I want to share with you a list of things I think I shoulda/coulda/woulda
done if I were still single. Pick a few, then do ‘em.
1. Volunteer in your community helping children, saving the planet,
rescuing animals, beautifying your city: tons of people need you.
2. Have a chick-date with a new friend.
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3. Go on a cheap weekend getaway.
4. Go to a department store makeup section and get a free
makeover.
5. Buy a new dress and pair of shoes.
6. Go to a singles event or place to meet a new girlfriend (Google
“[your city] singles” or go to Meetup.com.)
7. Go to a wine-tasting event; they have those all over now.
8. Visit the art, science, history, car, plant museum, etc.
9. Go to a seminar or lecture to learn more about yourself and/or
men.
10. Go to the local library,
check out a book you’ve been
meaning to read, and make
goo-goo eyes at all the smart
men.
11. Call or email the guy who
got away. (All he can say is
“no.”)
12. Organize and conduct a car
wash to raise money for local
schools. (They need it!)
13. Plant a garden or just a few
flowers.
14. Get that massage you’ve been talking about.
15. Have a picnic and read a book at the park. (Preferably one that will
give you some new dating skills.)
16. Learn to paddleboard, bowl, golf or some other sport you’ve been
talking about doing.
17. Organize a Parcheesi or poker party and have everyone bring one
guest, male or female: they’re all fun.
18. Take a bike ride.
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19. Get online and don’t get off until you connected with 10 men in
some way (wink, email, favorite…whatever)
20. Go to the local big book store, find a book and read it there. (And
make goo-goo eyes at all the smart men.)
21. Ask a man out on a date. (Yeah, really. Just do it.)
22. Take a class. (Dance, Spanish, wine tasting, floral arrangement
come to mind.)
23. Go to the beach, mountains or some other scenic area; paint,
draw or just observe the beauty alone or with a friend.
24. Try a new restaurant (but make it out of your area) and then go
have a drink.
25. Offer to walk someone’s dog, watch their child while they do
something fun, or shop for your elderly neighbor.
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Love Is All That Matters. Period.
I have but one point to make: love and human connection is
everything. That's all that matters. The end.
I remember watching a news story after the earthquake in Haiti about
all the kids who will grow up not just in dire poverty but without arms
and legs—that is, if they survive at all. It brought me to my knees.
As a doctor was patiently explaining to this beautiful little girl that her
leg was going to be cut off to save her life, her mother was beside her.
She was holding and comforting her baby, who was panic-stricken
and sobbing uncontrollably. That woman—who had probably endured
more than we could imagine—kept
a brave face for her child. But her
agony was unmistakable, as was
her love.
I know you feel as grateful as I do
for the relative comfort and safety in
which you were brought into this
world. We really are so fortunate.
You’ve probably watched the news,
donated your money, and said how
sad it all is, whether it was with the
Haiti earthquake, Hurricane Katrina,
the 2005 tsunami that killed
thousands. But that’s not enough.
We all have to learn from these
horrors. We have to use it to improve our lives and the lives of others.
How? It’s simple. Show the kindest and sweetest love for the people in
your life you care about.
But that isn’t enough either. You must accept love for yourself. Open
up your heart, give someone the gift of your trust, and let someone in.
Because without letting yourself love and be loved, have you really
lived a fortunate and fulfilled life?
Love is all that matters. Period.
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