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REFRIED NEWS SINCE 1977
Summer/Fall, 2013
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Page 2 • San Juan Horseshoe • Summer 2013
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Cookie Tree “Treasure”
Map Surfaces
(Ridgway) What
appears to be a
valid treasure map
to the legendary
Escalante
Gold, reputed
to be buried
somewhere
beneath the
former Cookie
Tree Ranch,
has surfaced
here according
The Cookie Tree Treasure Map. to local
geologists. The
Is it for real?
former ranch,
now cooling its heels under the Ridgway Reservoir, was
flooded back in the late 70s as a water storage project
for the lower reaches of the Uncompahgre Valley.
The map, which was discovered during an
excavation at Elk Meadows (some 12 miles away
from the said lake, looks to be authentic according to
unreliable sources high above Ridgway. Although it has
faded over 235 years since the treasure was lost along
what is known as the Spanish Trail, the map is readable
despite extensive water marks and fraying caused by
the seriously dry climate.
Believed to have been drawn between October
and November of 1776, the map could lead diggers
to a fortune in gold, silver and Spanish coinage of
high value. Most of the loot was stolen from various
indigenous tribes in return for promised salvation.
Historians, still out to lunch on the origin of the map
have been slow to draw conclusions.
It is now in the hands of the local police who
say it will remain locked up until priorities can be
established. Several families associated with the ranch
have been contacted but as yet no one has come
forward to claim anything. Police expect their share
of quacks and schemers insisting the map is theirs or
posing as heirs of a sort. Already rangers working at the
reservoir have reported suspicious behavior and signs
of forced entry on remote fence lines. They arrested
one man who was “out fishing” with 400 pounds of
dynamite stashed on his boat and detained another
who was taking photos of military installations on the
evaporating body of water.
Already the news has created a domino affect in a
land known for high stakes poker. Real people living
here are accustomed to creative survival and the thought
of glorious riches has them all giddy. Even newer
residents who brought their money from other environs
have been concocting secret plans, drenched in dreams
of more, stunned by fantasies of increased wealth.
“What are we going to do…drain the reservoir and
start digging?” asked Raymond Markey, who with
a handful of former mining enthusiasts have been
stockpiling earth moving equipment and fuel depots
just north of Ouray. “If the mythical treasure exists and
is under the former ranch/reservoir the authorities will
have their hands full keeping people out.”
Markey went on to say that a retrieval operation
might impact the valley beyond belief.
“This could make Cherry Creek or Sutter’s Mill pale
by comparison,” he spat. The search may last years
and net nothing or, with laser and satellite technology
at our disposal,we could see the treasure exhumed
in moments. Other experts in the field questioned
Markey’s tech references saying that dynamite and
shovels would dictate the progress while drilling probes
would be the order of the day.
“This Markey guy is dreaming,” said one retired
mining engineer. “If there is treasure at the bottom
of all this it is certainly irretrievable. After all of these
centuries underground it is one with the earth, gone
forever from the hands of man.”
Many here compare the chances of finding the
treasure to the chances of winning the State Lottery
which has been equated to being struck by lightning at
the bottom of the ocean. The numbers don’t lie but that
doesn’t keep prospectors from eyeballing a claim.
Already the trappings of wealth have invaded the
once pristine reservoir as permits have been secured to
build several restaurants, a general store and a brothel
lakeside. Sources tell us that there is not a shovel or
pick to be had in Montrose and Delta Counties and
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Summer 2013• San Juan Horseshoe • Page 3
that streams of miners from the West End can be seen
making their way over Highway 90 “toward the big
bonanza’.
“We sure don’t want this map to fall into the wrong
hands,” said one police officer, “which would pretty
much include anyone and everyone who needs cash
and can handle a shovel.”
Meanwhile the elusive cache cries out for liberation.
Although many have surmised on the content of the
treasure none know for sure what awaits the finder.
One group vying for position on the matter is the
Timpanog Ute tribe who claim dominion since it was
they who guided Escalante and Dominguez through
the region in 1776.
Fathers Escalante and Dominguez could not be
reached for comment since Escalante died in 1780 and
Dominguez in 1803.
OBAMA GIVES RED STATES TO CHINA
(Montrose) President Obama today ceded control of most of the southern
and middle of the United States to China so as to satisfy interest payments
on outstanding loans and avoid financial default. According to reliable
Republican sources here, the transfers will go into affect on July 5 so as not
to interfere with Fourth of July parades and fireworks the day before.
The area effected includes all territory from Florida to Texas and from
Indiana to Oklahoma, as well as Wyoming, Idaho, Utah and Montana.
Residents there will have until July 31 to vacate the premises or swear
allegiance to China.
“We hated to give up North Carolina, Montana and Florida since
those states may well vote Democratic in coming elections,” said an
Administration spokesperson.
The decision to give away half of the United States came after the
Chinese called in a series of debts relating to trade imbalances and “egg
roll diplomacy” said the White House.
“You won’t read this in the papers,” said the GOP source. “Obama has
made sure of that. He has pissed away the Confederacy!”
Alluding to the reputed liberal media and the lies circulated by
progressives, he went on to say that Red China is now “a sad shade more
red than before”.
“At least the Chinese restaurants might improve,” he frowned. “They have
certainly gone downhill under this administration.”
For a related story see
“Colorado Meth Alley Counties Volunteer to Join Red States in
Gerrymandering Blitzkrieg” on page 45
Dinosaurs to blame
for Slope roads –
Hickenlooper
(Denver) The often deplorable condition of Western
Colorado’s roads is due to centuries of abuse by
dinosaurs according to Governor John Hickenlooper.
Likening the destruction to some 50,000 tractor
trailers dropped directly on the asphalt from the
sky, the governor praised road crews and defended
disbursement of public funds during his reign.
“These mindless lizards never paid one penny
of highway tax either,” chimed Hickenlooper from
the veranda of the gubernatorial mansion here. His
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appearance would be cut short as weather experts
warned of a particularly dangerous brown cloud air
index levels, serious enough not to be diluted by hot
air originating with Hickenlooper.
The governor went on by blasting critics and freelance skeptics who were quick to point out that no
dinosaurs have roamed these parts for centuries. He
equated the lack of attentiveness to history’s manifold
destiny and the chronic fiscal irresponsibility of more
recent times.
“This is no partisan issue. These animals did the
deed many years ago and we are paying for it today,”
said the governor. “even before they built Interstate
25.”
“One cannot discount the damage wrought on
our transport arteries by these ignorant beasts of
enormous mass,” he said. “I am a brewmaster by trade
and I’m not brewing far fetched tales here. Other
states like Texas and Arizona have far nicer roads and
the common denominator there is that no dinosaur
bones have been exhumed.”
Hickenlooper called on all students of motorized
travel to do their homework on this issue. He
promised to appoint a committee of archeological
teams to further study the problem. Dinosaur fences
have been proposed as well as a fossil fuel pipeline
from Alberta to the Gulf of Mexico.
“We have already started building dinosaur
crossings (with tunnels) and creating a sense of tight
security around the more prevalent digs,” said one
fossil scientist. “Some of our flaggers have even
reported seeing dragons in the Bland Valley and
the occasional rogue unicorn on the Uncompahgre
Plateau. We must be careful not to upset the natural
balance or there goes our chance at cheap gas for
another generation.
It is commonly held that one day dead dinosaurs
turned into oil much like Rumpelstiltskin straw turned
to gold or Pinocchio puppets turned to real boys.
Hickenlooper assured voters that the problem
would be handled and that residents and visitors alike
would once again experience the quality of highways
built before the Civil War.
“This is outrageous!” said one Republican county
commissioner. “Next he’ll be telling us there won’t be
a state of the state address because the dinosaurs ate
his homework. Imagine people tied up in traffic trying
to get to the gold fields or to the Rapture or to attack
sleeping Indian villages. Not on these roads!”
There has been no response to the issue by the
powerful dinosaur lobby since it is believed the group
has suffered extinction, which according to some is
the exact opposite of evolution.
- Kashmir Horseshoe
Forest Service Notes
USFS defends drone use
Elite branches of the United States Forest Service will
be employing un-manned drones to control negative and
anti-social behavior in the woods this summer. Targets will
include troublesome bear, aggressive lions, mean campers,
litterbugs, pot smokers (It’s federal land, bub) and squatters.
The maneuvers, which will begin in July, could save the
agency thousands of dollars in man hours and record keeping
costs.
Persons wishing to give input on this deviation from the
norm should attend a public meeting slated for Tuesday at
the Maybell Town Hall in Moffat County unless the wind is
blowing. Maybell has the distinction of recording the coldest
ever temperature in the state of Colorado (-61 below zero) in
1985, which has little to do with drones.
“We are undermanned and the criminal element is
everywhere,” said a USFS spokesperson, “and it ain’t even
hunting season yet.”
Colorado Moves to Privatize Beaches
A plan to privatize a majority of state beaches in Colorado
has generated little reaction due in part to the state’s limited
shoreline. Of the 3500 residents polled more than 90% say
that the issue does not deserve attention compared to serious
issues such as gay marriage, legal marijuana, Rockies’ relief
pitching and gun control. Major shorelines found near such
spots as Blue Mesa, Dillon Reservoir and Cherry Creek
Reservoir will remain much the same as far as access and
regulations.
“They will just be private rather than public which opens
the door for drilling and development,” said a state source.
“This is the first step in rescinding all former water
agreements with other states such as Nevada, Arizona and
California,” said adjudication experts on the scene. “As global
warming continues to worsen we have to focus on reserving
our water, as well as our beaches.”
Cannabis Float Trips
Targeted by Feds
If you’re taking one of the many Cannabis Float Trips
offered in Colorado this summer beware of attacks by federal
gangs aimed at ruining your afternoon. Thanks to a decree
by the Obama Administration all waterways, rivers, lakes and
canals are now under direct federal supervision and activities
on or near these “tributaries of national security” are subject
to United States law. Enlisted and culled by elements of
Homeland Security, the patrolling thugs are unpaid but make
a hefty profit on boats and personal belongings of rafters
which are confiscated according to zero tolerance legislation
enacted late last night after the bars closed. Rivers that are
most likely to be affected are the Yampa, the Colorado, the
Gunnison and the Uncompahgre.
- Rocky Flats
“Just looking for one more enchanted evening
before I go down.”
- General Kashmir Horseshoe prior to the scaling
of Flu Shot Citadel, August 2, 1900.
One in four adults will have a mental
health disorder in a given year.
For a free, confidential screening, visit our website:
General Information: (970) 252-3200
24/7 Crisis Line: (970) 252-6220
As she lowered her
his free-fall from a bar stool in Salento. Blaming the metric
sultry babushka I noticed
system for his descent, the scribe hit the wood, his cell
the third eye, the eye of a
phone going off simultaneously, a little too close to his
shortstop right in the center
crotch.”
of the infield...Curiously I
What would you expect from the member of a social
was drawn to this woman, of
order prone to jigs and lullabies?
Russian peasant stock, and
According to the evangelical professional wrestler
a cannon for a right arm. I
who lives upstairs from my office, O’Toole is proof
tried repeatedly to google her
that evolution is a fairy tale. With the failure of his new
but each time she threw the
invention, Snowboarder in a Box, the part-time grappler has
brushback pitch a little tighter. threatened to produce a rival humor rag which he intends
Her propensity for survival
to call Western Colorado Jobs. Look for it soon.
in these lusty times indicates
Now we’d like to welcome Bicycle Bill, Hummingbird
prosperity in the wake of a
Harriet, Bear Bait Betty and I’m in a Hurry Harry to these
poor performance by the
summer mountains. Tip # 611: If your waitperson has the
middle relief corps...
personality of a dead herd animal why not rough it a little
Oops! I hope you’ll
and eat at one of the many chuck-wagon barbecues that
excuse my meanderings
pop up every summer. You know the kind where the old
into erotic sports literature. Since the demand has surfaced grizzle hasn’t washed his apron or his hands since 1957.
on the Internet I have been trying to squeeze a few
And if that’s not enough to tip your apple cart we
more dollars out of this bandy-legged economy. Now let
have strong indications that the Rapture may have already
me move over to my editor’s desk. I don my Mr. Rogers
gone down. If you weren’t taken up maybe your sincerity
cardigan, adjust my spats, have a sip of writer’s juice and
was deemed lacking. Peruse your options in this month’s
light my pipe. Ready to go.
feature piece and better luck next time.
Warm salutations to the survivors
of a planet gone completely mad. The saving
grace is that the world actually went nuts
about a million years ago. We are only the
latest episode, our circumstances hurried
along by the Big ‘Ol Information Age . I
remember when as a kid my grandfather
told me to go out in the garden and fill
a bucket with potatoes for dinner. Now
I’m filling up pages in a newspaper. Pretty
much the same to me (but you can eat the
spuds). Both have a clear destination in
mind although I cannot pinpoint it at this
time.
You don’t want to get carried away with
yourself in either case. That awareness
alone staves off madness and deer flies
th
too, if you’re lucky.
Celebrating the end of Prohibition in December, 1933. Back then the repeal of the 18 Amendment was seen as the
I’m so relieved and glad that we had
obvious option. It’s passage all but washed away the black market and benefited the nation both in taxes collected and
this little chat...clear the air and all. Right
opportunities for profits within a legitimate spirits industry. It will be the same with the legalization of marijuana. It just
now the air is smokey with fires raging.The
takes time for the people to shed the trappings of propaganda, reefer madness etc..
wind continues to blow. Maybe if we all just
Some of you may have noticed the barroom photo:
stayed indoors nature could figure herself out.
Celebrating the End of Prohibition on this page.
Brushing off mounting accusations of chronic
Huzzah! Huzzah! The cover celebrates another end of
bemusement and shoddy workmanship, we are delighted
gov’ment meddling in people’s lives. Most people, at least
to present our Summer Annual. Most of the stories
around here, agree that we have better things to do than
were penned by starving summer interns who are kept in
worry about who is smoking what in the privacy of his
chicken coops and fed weevil-ridden oatmeal and meatball
own abode.
lattes, while working far into the fetching night. Here are a
In closing, we would like to thank the lovely angels over
few highlights:
at Red’s Gravy Heaven for the kim chi cheese rolls and
Despite titanic efforts, our story “Giant snails panacea
fresh mango cider. Terra incognita, babies!
for sprawl in South Florida?” is moving rather slowly and
has been replaced by a photo essay entitled “GMOs –
They’re not just muscle cars anymore!” which should
entice racing fans out there.
Closer to home, here in Puritania, we document
problems encountered when large visitors attempt to
get out of their cars in Ouray’s new mini parking spots.
Then we follow along on the Strawberry Path arriving at
our popular “Tales of the Brave Hempsmen” accented by
“Skunks in Trauma” and a short piece about a Montrose
man who translates Tolstoy into conversational Zulu for
fun.
Here’s an excerpt from the serial portion: “It appeared
to many that O’Toole was still about a half-click off since
EDITOR’S
CORONER
Open 10-4 pm
Monday -Friday
Mon-Fri 7 - 4 Sat 8-4
EDITORIAL
Making fun of lepers in bad taste
Hey, I like a good laugh as well as the next
guy but making sport of lepers goes too far. Just
the other day we witnessed this kind of abuse with
a rock throwing incident in one of our National
Forests where lepers had camped for the night.
Sure, you may not want to camp near them but
there is no call for violence. This is ugly. What
will these lepers tell their friends back home
about their vacation in Colorado?
The refusal of one visitor to rent a jeep after
it had been used by a leper is nothing short
of malicious and reprehensible. Name calling,
metaphorical and otherwise, is inexcusable.
Granted, we do not have a sizable leper
population but the ones we do have should be
respected.
Don’t these people have enough with which
to contend without insult and injury hurled
from fellow humans? Bigotry aimed at these
unfortunates is ignorant and hateful. It is the
offspring of misunderstandings and fears
generated by parents, schools and society as a
whole. Like it or not, lepers are just like you and I
and deserve a break. After all they don’t generally
create problems. Most hide out from the sunshine
in black timber redoubts far away from the threats
of the modern populace. Most love their dogs.
Most pay taxes. Most are not to blame for their
condition.
Now we’re not suggesting you sleep with one
or share toothbrushes but at least allow them to
breathe the air, smell the roses, wash their raggedy
clothing in streams and rivers and live out their
pathetic lives. A complete cure for leprosy, but not
stupidity, is right around the corner.
- Kashmir Horseshoe
For a related news piece see “Lepers Banned from
Local Streams Until Fall” on Page 49
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Royalty Gene Isolated
(Vail) The long sought after Royalty Gene, that unit of
heredity that determines who is royal and who is not,
has been discovered in laboratory rats in an underground
bunker somewhere deep in the Gore Tex Range. Known
to insiders as the Queen Gene, which too forms part of a
chromosome, the Royalty Gene appears to be more prolific
in rat populations that presume royal heritage or entitlement
due to money in the bank.
“If they think they are the king, then they are more
likely to be crowned king than a common rat out on the
street looking for something to eat,” said one researcher
who was not qualified to speak on the matter and demanded
animosity.
What postulates emerging from these finding indicate
is that (according to the late great Inspector John Musick)
“the gene pool is becoming a gene puddle” and that only a
slim few will live the palatial lifestyle that so many yearn
to embrace. Not wanting to appear politically incorrect
or insensitive, scientists here carefully stressed that the
so-called Queen Gene had nothing whatsoever to do with
queries related to sexual preference.
The biggest problem they now face is finding enough
volunteer rats to continue the experiments.
“Tests conducted here are no more harmful than a
simple flu shot,” explained the scientist. “Crazy as it sounds
we need these rodents to step up now, since they are an
integral part of the program.
How rats deal with the residue, the seemingly
unbalanced reality is their own business,” said the
researcher.
- Small Mouth Bess
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Mayberry Ghost Visits Police Academies
(Malfunction) The ghost of Andy Taylor paid a call on a host of Colorado
police academies this week expressing concern over the current state of affairs
between law enforcement and the people.
The legendary lawman and longtime sheriff of Mayberry, North Carolina
told recruits that the us vs them philosophy was all wrong and that the
public were not a bunch of criminals like they are told at the academies. He
encouraged the police to adopt the concept of serve and protect instead of the
current line which separates both parties.
Students at Police State here questioned the validity of the visit saying that
Sheriff Andy Taylor gets a trim at Floyd's
if the citizenry simply stayed in their homes there would not be a problem.
Barbershop in Mayberry in 1961
“We never had any of those academies in Mayberry or even over in Mt
Pilot and everything seemed to run smoothly,” stressed Taylor. “If I needed a deputy I had Gomer or even Guber
in the wings. They already knew everyone in town and could perform their job without prejudice or profiling.
Even little Opie knows what the result will be when we start banding together in armed camps.”
Speaking at the Augusto Pinochet Police College in nearby Fruita, Taylor told anyone listening that the
people are not the enemy and that the police were losing the respect of their constituency.
“The cop on his beat is a thing of the past,” said Taylor. “Now they just drive around looking for drunks.”
- Barney Fife
Thursday is Bubblehead Night in Congress
(Washington) Citizens in good standing are invited to
the First Annual Congressional Bubblehead Night at
the Capitol. The first 5000 persons through the doors,
after passing through security and taking an extensive
loyalty oath, will receive an authentic bubblehead of their
favorite elected official.
Persons who do not have a favorite elected official
will receive a Joe Biden or John Boehner bubblehead as
a consolation prize compliments of the Federal Reserve
Board. A buffet meal and open bar will grace the festive
atmosphere and guests are reminded to avoid bringing
up issues that might be deemed embarrassing to the
legislators, aka bubbleheads.
In addition to bobbing senators and representatives
each attendee will take home a quart of Fear in a Bottle,
a newly brewed concoction aimed at keeping the
people off balance and ultimately exerting more control
of the domestic population. Tested in the War on Terror,
the War on Drugs, and the War on Individualism,
the fluid fear card has been produced for human
consumption by those radicalized by the sequester and
by the royal arrogance of rich, elite politicians.
“People will like it,” explained one Congressional
aide. “It comes in six different fruity flavors (including
fresh hemlock) and is the right panacea for an
electorate who put these people in power in the first
place. “Here in the Land of the Free it is one of the few
things that is free.”
Keep your pants on!
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- Susie Compost
For Mideast
CONGRESS AGREES ON GUN
CONTROL LEGISLATION
(KUWAIT) In what many are calling unprecedented nonpartisan action, the United States House and Senate passed
a sweeping gun control bill today, for the Middle East.
Unable to agree on similar legislation for their own
country, the lawmakers voted unanimously to limit the flow
of assault weapons to Iraq, Iran, Syria, Afghanistan, Egypt,
Mali, Somalia and Palestine.
Congratulating themselves across the aisle on the
decision, the Congress then officially praised itself on
the courageous application of Democratic ideals and
the export of freedom, before retiring to an overpriced
luncheon at a local Washington bistro. It was not clear
how the action would affect the powerful weapons lobby
or future military contracts in the various constituencies
across the land.
“Quite frankly I didn’t think the two sides could agree
on anything,” said Alabaster Toolini, a lobbyist for the Italian
sunglasses and shoe industry. “I suppose that it is feasible
to think that someone in the Iraq might adhere to the new
limits in exchange for electricity or clean water.”
Toolini, an accomplished Calabrian chef and
(Frank) Sinatra look-alike, expressed concern over the
implementation of the restrictions in places like Syria and
Afghanistan where war has become as common as an
afternoon sand storm or in Iran where the government
already controls weapons.
Although no concrete plan was unveiled to jump start
(fertilize) the new gun control legislation, leaders in the
Senate said it was “a new beginning in altruistic attempts to
create a lasting peace in the tumultuous region”.
- Abdul “Mickey” Sands
Projections are for a dry summer
work casual golf lifestyle
Clothing & accessories for the Gunnison man!
It is hoped that the circulation of bubbleheads and
liquid fear will further divide and conquer the left and the
right in this nation, who, if allowed to determine the real
enemy, might react in unison to affect real change.
The event is in no way connected to the popular Send
a Whoopee Cushion to Congress” which originated after
the banking scandals of 2007-2009 which are still “under
full investigation” until the public forgets about them.
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Paper settles with Ouray man
(Portland) The San Juan Horseshoe has agreed to pay Raymond
Markey, 64, an undisclosed sum to satisfy claims that the
publication slandered and maligned him repeatedly from
1977 to present. The out-of-a-quart agreement was reached
Friday with the funds expected to change hands as early as
September.
Markey further insists that he started the paper and that his
original ideas have been stolen and employed by the paper to
earn hundreds of dollars over the said time period. Attorneys
for the plaintiff expressed confidence that the matter would be
put to rest for good and warned principals at the Horseshoe
that any further abuse in this arena would be met with harshly.
Rumors that Markey had hired the publisher’s son, who will
take the bar this summer, to represent him were denied Friday.
“I can’t remember how that particular chatter emerged,”
quipped a source at the paper, “but it is completely untrue.
What bar are they talking about?”
The matter allegedly originated with the publication
of a story outlining Markey’s successful (and emergency)
deliverance of a baby on Engineer Pass in 1980 followed by
coverage of the embarrassing entrapment of Markey in a time
sensitive locked post office in 1982 (a federal offense). More
recently the Horseshoe aggravated the situation by featuring
Markey in O’Brien’s Pub ads without permission.
“Melvin Toole spit tobacco juice on my new loafers at a
softball game in 2008 and has failed to pay off gambling losses
that date back to 2001,” said Markey. “I’ve had enough of
this aggravated plagiarism and disregard for the rights of the
common man!”
Markey, who inherited a substantial sum from a Saguache
lettuce fortune back in 1990 went through that money like
wildfire. It is likely these new funds will be squandered on
pettiness and non-essentials as well.
When asked what he planned to do with the windfall,
Markey told reporters on the scene that he would spend the
money on cutting edge wine making apparatus and lottery
tickets.
Immaculate Conception a
Daily Occurrence by 2020?
(Vatican City) In a shocking departure from accepted
Church doctrine, Congolese Cardinal Vance Van Boope
today told the faithful that immaculate conception would
be commonplace in a few years and within the grasp of
the poor before the end of the decade.
The process on impregnation without intimacy, for
centuries reserved only for the mother of Jesus Christ,
may very well change the status of parents and birth
control within the hierarchy of the Roman Church.
The recognition of whispered ideology as a part of the
mainstream is clearly a breakthrough in theology and the
application of the Commandments.
“The power of positive thinking can achieve great
things,” said Van Boope, “but I think we’re still
operating backwards since overpopulation and not
methodology is the chronic problem on the planet. In
short, it is not important how the egg is fertilized but that
The infamous Haying
Judge, Justice Roy L
Bean Jr. at work in the
fields near Gunnison. No
relation to his namesake,
the Honorable Phantly
Roy Bean, of southwest
Texas (who in actuality
sentenced only one man
to the gallows in his Val
Verde saloon) the current
judge went to great lengths
to reassure the citizens
of Western Colorado that
he will take no prisoners
during criminal/tourist
season this summer.
GARDENING EDITOR WOUNDED IN KNIFE FIGHT
(Gunnison) A prominent gardening voice in the
Gunnison Valley is recovering from a pointed altercation
suffered outside of a local nursery yesterday. According
to police, Melvin Toole will survive the injuries although
he is having trouble holding water at present.
The fight reportedly precipitated over the definition
of perennial and in no time had exploded into violence as
threats were realized and knives were brandished.
The assailant, a 93-year-old Gunnison grandmother
identified as Mabel Singleton, allegedly rushed the
unsuspecting Toole as he fondled a tomato plant,
stabbing him repeatedly. Singleton, a retired botanist,
once employed by the Pentagon, said she could not
tolerate Toole’s condescending attitude toward the
philodendrons. She is being held at the Alamo/
Pizza Mountain Mental Health Clinic for psychiatric
observation. If convicted she could face pruning and
another new soul is on the way to a social system that is
failing to support its client-based family tree. Genetics
can be heartless. Physical laws cannot be ignored.”
The expansion of infallibility, stamped with the
Papal Imprimatur, came during a break in the fighting
which has claimed millions of lives in the mineral-rich
Congo since 1990. Gold-soaked warlords trade away the
country’s future for sophisticated weapons while child
soldiers hump the bush and peasants starve in refugee
camps, often ignored by the rest of the world.
“The new explanations do not excuse anyone from
responsibility as parents or overshadow existing moral
standards,” said Van Boope.
The action is seen by secular thinkers as an attempt
to relax certain long-held beliefs that have become
inconsequential and juvenile.
“It is our attempt to counsel our congregations by
separating fantasy from reality yet holding tight to the
reins,” said the Cardinal.
- St. Roscoe of Preakness
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lifetime banishment from gardening operations in the
Tomichi Sector.
In a related piece, the same newspaper’s obituary
editor, Rocky Flats, dropped dead just after deadline on
Friday. Flats has only recently won the Mormon Lottery.
His winnings will be split up between his ex-wife, Frieda,
a Paraguayan traffic cop and his brother Red who raises
giant shrimp near Parlin.
- Estelle Marmotbreath
Visiting our Civil
War Battlefields
In recognition of the 150th Anniversary of several
major battles in the American Civil War, Lake City
residents Sam and Matilda Heartfelde traveled to
Chancellorsville, Virginia; Vicksburg, Mississippi
and Gettysburg, Pennsylvania to view the once
heavily contested terrain. Little did they know that
we installed a secret listening device in the ash tray
of their Flexible Fleetwheel Lamsteed Kampkar so as
to keep close tabs on their conversations for the three
week trip.
Week One: Chancellorsville, Virginia.
Confederate casualties and you will see that he was
right. The South may have won the day but at a
terrible cost of men and supplies.”
Matilda---“You think that just because you caught a
few History Channel segments you are some expert.
It was my relatives who fought while yours bought
their way out of inscription.”
Sam---”And that was probably the last honorable
thing any of your worthless relatives accomplished
since...
Matilda---My family fought a Celtic war for the glory
of the South while yours hid behind mother’s apron
just like you. I must have been out of my mind to
marry a man who has no sense of history much
less a sense of the present. I must have been mad to
think I could spend three weeks on the road with an
imbecile. You sleep on the pull out couch tonight.
We pick up the action upon the arrival of the Heartfeldes:
Matilda---“If Union general Hooker would not have
been so hesitant and had showed some calm under
fire, standing firm rather than retreating to the
confines of the town, he might have easily defeated
Lee who had already split his undermanned army
and could not have had the punch to knock out an
overwhelming force,”
Sam--- “Nonsense. Hooker was simply being cautious
and adopting a defensive position. Look at the
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Sam---”Sure is hot this morning.
Matilda---”No it isn’t. It’s balmy for this neck of the
woods.
Sam---The thermometer on the camper says 95 and its
not even noon.
Matilda---That thing isn’t accurate. I told you not
to buy the cheap one. What’s up with the airconditioning? It doesn’t seem to be functioning.
Sam---Oh I forgot to refill the freon. I figured we
could rough it for a few days in honor of the men
who fought here.
Matilda---What a stupid idea. Don’t ever do that
without asking me first.
Sam---According to this map the siege began in
May and six weeks later the Rebels surrendered
giving the Yankees control of the Mississippi and
effectively splitting the South in two.
Matilda---History always looks simple to simple
minds. You just love to hear yourself talk, don’t
you. Your knowledge of this battle could fit inside
a bottle cap and your choice of campsites is
particularly annoying. Look how far we are from
the bathrooms.
Sam---But we’re self-contained
Matilda---In your dreams. You forgot to flush the
system and it’s backed up, moron. I’m spending the
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Week Two: Vicksburg, Mississippi
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Sam---Good. I won’t be here when you come back.
Week Three: Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
Matilda--- If Lee would have adopted a more
defensive position from day one he might have won
a victory instead of having to high-tail it back home.
Sam---Maybe,
Matilda---What do you mean Maybe? It’s clear that
charging into a fortified position with fewer troops
is a recipe for military disaster.
Sam―Not always.
Matilda: Oh, I see you’re still pouting from
Vicksburg.
Sam---I am not pouting. II’ve never pouted in my
life. If I did it wouldn’t be over the likes of you. I’m
just tired of listening to you go on about things you
don’t understand. I’m sick of the way you dress.
Your food stinks, you wear too much makeup and
you snore.
Matilda---You’re one to talk. You scurry around in
those bib overalls with that stupid Rockies’ hat,
with chew spilling out the side of your mouth. You
never had the least bit of ambition and your dog is
worthless.
Sam---Your dog ran away.
Matilda---No she didn’t. You purposely ran her over
with the car.
Sam―That’s not true. I was watching out for your
mother in the driveway when that dog started
yapping...
Matilda---Don’t blame my mother for this. She
was right about you. No backbone. No integrity.
The poor woman has been depressed ever since I
married you.
Sam---Why don’t you just shut up and watch the
battle reenactment. Maybe a stray bullet will find
you and I can enjoy the rest of my life in peace.
Matilda---Why must you be so hateful. Oh no...look
at the gas gauge. You forgot to get gas! We’ll be
stranded.
Sam---There’s enough gas to get back to town. If not,
you can walk in for fuel. Maybe you’ll shed a few
pounds in the process.
Sam and Matida will present a slide show of their
wonderful trip at the Lake City Armory this fall.
“21st Century religion is lacking in substance,
spirituality, and dominated by control, fear and
fairy tales. I long for the days when the Celtic
warrior returned to his grand hall to praise his
gods, the blood of his enemies still dripping
from his heavy sword.”
- Finn McCool
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Lack of Eligible Ladies Drives
Bachelors to Despair
(Ouray) The overabundance of males in the San Juan
Region has driven many to the slums of the cities in
search of a mate and a more affectionate future. Already the rings of poverty around urban centers have
grown faster than the cities themselves, creating a
nightmare for police and social services providers.
The chronic problem becomes epidemic during winter
months when distractions are fewer, outdoor activities
are somewhat limited and men are forced to sit around
contemplating their tragic status.
“The big lie that manifests itself here is that opportunities for romance are burgeoning in large population areas,” said Herb Valentine, who runs a half-way
house for recovering romantics on Red Mountain.
“Almost to a man they arrive in the city to find nothing
but the same. Soon they are sucked into the dredged
society and turn to crime to avert starvation.”
Addictions to such plentiful drugs as Laudanum
(Ronald Reagan’s drug of choice) and cheap alcohol
are rampant and especially destructive in the younger
population, many of them still virgins. Falling smack
into the lap of poverty, these new arrivals have nothing
between them and a certain, lonely demise.
“It’s sadder than the mug on John Boehmer during
budget negotiations with Barack Obama,” said Valentine.
Overtures are already in motion urging large
groups of eligible flatlander females to take their vacations in Western Colorado en masse, especially in
the winter. Some more aggressive hopefuls are even
calling for the complete relocation of women so as to
attain their lofty goals.
A complicated rating system that couples males
and females has been scrapped in favor of simpler Friday night dances, hay rides and gala Sunday brunch
festivities designed to create dialogue and potential
matchmaking. Critics of these moves say males must
be eligible too or the system will cave in under it’s own
weight.
“Eligible is a relative term on a cold winter night,”
said Valentine, “at least for these boys.”
Women seeking to pursue this line of reasoning
should send photos and information to Social Director,
Ouray Mountain Rescue Flowers and Gifts, Old Maid
Mine, Colorado.
- Uncle Pahgre
Absence of natural habitat has forced bear families like the one in the
photo to depend more on gov’ment handouts leaving most indigent
and more desperate as drought conditions linger.
MOST BLACK BEAR LIV E
BELOW POV ERTY LINE
(Denver) A majority of Colorado’s 12,000 black bear are
indigent, penniless and otherwise destitute according to
Division of Fur, Scales, and Feathers here. The Office of
FSF, a division of the Colorado SOW says the problem is
increasing with sub-substandard snow pack yielding less
food and fewer acres of ample ground cover in which to
hide from burgeoning human occupiers.
The black bear, the smallest and most numerous of
the overall species, has been living hand to mouth for
centuries, long before statistics as to fiscal well being
were collected. In the years when worth was measured
not in material wealth but in spirit this did not present
such a gaping problem but today the disparity runs
rampant like a hungry child with his ass hanging out.
Although the bear is inquisitive, very adaptive, bright
and social, he is up against the wall of progress. Despite
the inequality he is remarkably tolerant of humans. A
shy omnivore, the bear will eat just about anything, plant
or animal. Chronic problems emerge when the animals
get used to eating human garbage and thus have more
contact with the main predator, which, of corpse, is you
and I.
Able to run in bursts exceeding 35 miles per hour and
climb trees like nobody’s business, black bear are great
swimmers. Often living up to 25 years in the wild, the
bear exhibits incredible smell, sight and hearing.
“The bear may be proud beasts but are basically
stinky deadbeats, like most other forest mammals,”
said Durango biologist Lexy Brooine, head of the Fur
and Feathers segment of SOW, a state component of
Boneland Security.
“If you give a bear a fish you create dependency. If you
teach a bear to fish you create a functional creature who
embraces independence. With all the people on welfare
and other gov’ment assistance these days it is difficult to
cater to the beasts,” she explained. “There is only so much
money to give away.”
Often considered reasonably affluent in comparison
to smaller mammals as well as fish and flying things,
the black bear have fallen onto hard times due to bad
investments, outsourcing, lack of leadership and a
gradual departure from scrupulous survival instincts that
have served them well for the millenniums.
“Sounds a lot like the current human quagmire,” said
Brooine.
“Besides garbage and cars, ski areas and mountain golf
resorts have mercilessly killed traditional habitat leaving
the animals reliant on the gov’ment,” added Brooine.
“Think of all the money diverted into already deep
pockets on these endeavors, and it’s easy to see why the
bear are where they are, at least in a financial sense.”
- Uncle Pahgre
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French Leaders Refuse Onion Demands Again
(Paris) Public service worker onions remain out on strike today as French President
Francois Hollande continues to stay fast on a new roster of demands. After an
emergency session of the cabinet late last night the liberal government pledged “not to
blink in the face of the growing crisis” that threatens to touch the life of everyone in
the country.
“Just imagine our salads and sauces,’ said Chef Antoine Genarme, of Sabat’s Cafe
here. “What will we do when the reserves run out and they are calling for French
onion soup? This walkout is not just a problem for France but for the world. The
onion is the heart of all classic cuisine be it in Mexico, Thailand, Italy or Peru.”
Most in the know fear that once the damage has been done it will be virtually
impossible to return to the old days when the entire globe looked to the French for
culinary direction and purpose.
“Who will take over if the French fall?” asked the chef. “That is an interesting
question considering onion anger is not merely a reality in Europe.”
Kitchens the world over have expressed concern that the renegade onions may
be joined by radical celery, rogue tomatoes, revolutionary garlic and even basement
anarchists belonging to the fruit and nut family. They agree that if the situation
worsens no one will be able to function in the kitchen.
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“We still have our bread and our vineyards but somehow it has lost its luster in
dining and a short boat ride to some of the finest beaches in the world. Lots and plots
the face of the strike,” said a French dairy farmer who has grown a garden since
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the days of Charles DeGaulle. “Sure I’ve had a few
minor confrontations with sketchy vegetables and a
few bean strains here and there but for the most part it’s
been symbiotic: I plant them in rich soil in with just the
right amount of sun then water them and they provide
sustenance and often time decoration at my table.”
Some within the expanded food industry secretly
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harvest to decide on what measures are most logical.
“I’m half Irish and half Cajun said one sommelier
working in the Tribeca neighborhood of Manhattan. “Part
of me reaches out to the French, the other says give me a
Guinness and some fish and chips. If we recant here and
capitulate every time some vegetable raises his voice what
kind of message are we sending to the younger sprouts and
seedlings?” she pressed.
Meanwhile striking onions continue to hold a daily
vigil in front of government offices demanding subsidized
housing and more humane transport. Talks broke down
again yesterday after members of the Public Service Union
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- Sir Otis of Liver
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NAACP Cool to Back to Europe Movement
(Denver) The Colorado NAACP has reacted cautiously to a
call for the redistribution of white people to their geographic
origins in Europe. These Caucasians, currently living in the
United States, would be shipped back to their native lands if
the plan is adopted.
“The majority of Blacks in this country can trace family
heritage back to the 16th and 17th centuries,” said Rev.
Abraham McCarthy, an associate of Rev. Al Sharpton and
former welterweight boxer from Harlem. “Despite the plague
of evil slavery, our people can prove landed immigrant status
far before most of the white folks even got their feet wet in
the Atlantic. Slave ships, which did little to chronicle the
lineage of its human cargo, arrived on these shores centuries
before the Colonial Revolution giving Blacks basic squatter’s
rights and a valid claim as the continents second Americans,
following the indigenous group of former Asians who have
been here since the before the Dark Ages began in Europe.”
The plan, which seeks an atonement for slavery as well
as a restructuring of the power base in this country, calls
for the forced migration of all Europeans back to their
ancestral homelands despite political upheaval and creeping
overpopulation there. It is modeled after the notorious Back
to Africa Movement which was introduced before and during
the Civil War reputedly fought over the practice of slavery
in the Confederacy. Abolitionists such as Abraham Lincoln
flirted with this solution even though history remembers him
as the great emancipator.
“The Back to Europe Movement is more logical and
certainly a valid approach to problems in this country,” said
McCarthy who is said to favor certain exceptions such as the
Irish and Italians who faced similar discrimination, but not
technical slave status, upon arrival in the later 19th and early
20th centuries.
“Possession is nine tenths of the law and we were the
majority in many locales during the early days. This is
nothing more than retro democracy in action,” he smiled.
“Our plan is not meant to be punitive but rather a
prudent proxy to the problem of overpopulation,” continued
McCarthy. “After a few decades when the dust settles, Whites
in good standing can reapply for citizenship in the New
United States of America.”
Most Caucasoid groups have pledged to fight the proposal
while it is still in a fledgling state. Transportation logistics,
cost and the status of mixed race citizens had not been
undressed at press time.
“The initial implementation and monitoring of the shift
may be a bit tedious as first,” explained McCarthy, “but after
a century or two things should fit back in place quite nicely.
I myself have always wanted to own an antebellum mansion,
sipping lemonade under a sweeping magnolia tree ”
- Shondelle Washington
HACKERS RELEASE
CONGRESSIONAL EMAILS
Outgoing President Mahmoud Amadinejad, high as a kite near
Mercury on the first leg of his 88-month voyage to the Planet Mars.
IRAN SENDS
MONKEY TO MARS
(Tehran) Outgoing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
has been shipped off to the great beyond it was
disclosed this morning. The Islamic republic of Iran
today announced the manned space shot in time for the
Ramadan observance in August.
The launch is the first of its kind since the British
Petroleum/CIA-constructed coup bringing down
democratically elected Mohammed Mosaddegh in 1952,
and restoring Shah Mohammed Reza Pahlavi to power .
The shuttle was propelled into the outer atmosphere
of the earth at 5:15 this morning Iranian time. At present
it is not clear if Ahmadinejad had companions on the
ship or if he was solo. During the 88-day voyage to and
from the Red Planet the primary passenger is expected
to view Mercury, Venus and the earth’s moon up close.
After breaking away from serious magnetic fields and
solar winds associated with extreme volcanic activity on
Venus he will head away from the Sun and toward Mars.
Interestingly enough Ahmadinejad was sent into
space at the same time votes are deciding on a new
government to replace the boring, old revolutionary
Guard and the tired Ayatollah-driven regime that has
existed since 1979. Last month two leading Ayatollahs
and the Commander of of the Revolutionary Guard were
sent by wind-powered drone to the Kuni-Kamchatka
Trench, Broome and Tierra del Fuego respectively. They
have not been in contact for about three days according
to an official government news release.
“We hope to hear from them soon,” said an official
government statement.
It is surmised that, with these dogma-fascists out of
circulation for a time, the people of Iran can take back
their country never again to fall victim to theocratic
dictators and petrol-colonial takeover.
“Our Persian culture will return to the sunlight just
as soon as we rid ourselves of the parasites that drive
us to the brink of war,” said a leading liberal cleric. Our
people have suffered enough under this cruel hand. We
want an open society for everyone.”
- Fred Zeppelin
(Washington) Unidentified hackers have successfully
breached Congressional security, making public direct
contact data common to the legislative group. Moments
after entry the hackers announced that emails, social
security information and even home phone numbers
would now be available to citizens of the world.
The cyber break-in, one of the most extensive to
hit the United States, promises to send piercing shock
waves through world governments either allied or at
odds with the governing body here. Even the White
House has been put on alert in apprehension of further
interruptions and potential sabotage.
It is feared that identity theft is already in motion,
blurring the partisan image across the aisle and making
it virtually impossible to tell the elected officials from
lobbyists that congregate each day just outside the
sanctimonious doors of the Capitol.
The sensitive information now floating in cyberspace
could pose serious security issues but will also allow
constituents unprecedented access to their elected
Hermit Study Nets Little
(Gunnison) A post-census attempt to interview and
catalogue the region’s hermits has been declared a dismal
failure by bureaucrats who already cashed the check.
Of the more than 100 hermits contacted at their homes
between December and February only one would talk to
researchers.
“And he wanted to bum a smoke,” said one dejected staff
member. “Most of these persons would not even come to
the door if they had one.”
Hermits who were cornered often stared back aimlessly
when questioned by staff social scientists and nutritionists.
Many only looked at their wristwatches in apprehension of
the meeting’s closure.
officials. Already many Americans have called their
Congressmen directly to suggest action or complain of
undoings.
“We have reached a new plateau of freedom in
this nation in that these coyotes and their entourage
are now forced to be responsive to the needs of their
constituencies,” said an unreliable source who has
reputedly been on the phone all night. “In the recent
past they would simply release a double-talk statement
through their attorney or public relations department.
Now they will have to talk directly to their fellow
countrymen who, as the early returns suggest, are not
pleased with the workings of their gov’ment.”
It is not known if this development will lead to
a rational exchange and elected officials might start
listening instead of talking.
“All most of these scalawags care about is themselves
and their reelection,” said the source. “Now the tables
may have turned.”
It is not known how the hacking will affect the
popular Win Lunch with Your Congressman Contest
now in progress all across the land.
- Mario Swervo
“They were up to their coy little hermit tricks, but we’re
wise to that action,” said Lolly Zippee, herself a recovering
hermit. “They are not dealing with idiots here!”
Many hermits reportedly work nights and were not
welcoming at their place of residence during business hours.
Most do not have phones, faxes or Facebook.
“I was surprised how nice they dressed,” said an intern.
“One generally thinks of a hermit as someone with a long
beard, a staff and a sack cloth, whatever that is.
An After Hours mixer is slated for later in the summer.
Organizers hope it might lure the hermits out to meet other
hermits.
“If this doesn’t get their attention we’ll have to resort to
violins,” laughed Zippee.
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in a beautiful old church.
We wouldn’t
think of shopping
anywhere else!
ROTATING WEEKLY SPECIALS
Full Bar and Wine Selection
ENJOY OUR SUMMER PATIO
7 AM - 9 PM THURS, FRI, SAT
SUNDAY BRUNCH 7AM - 2PM
MONDAYS BREAKFAST AND
LUNCH 7 AM - 2 PM
CLOSED TUES AND WED
647 Main 970-249-0629
Montrose
(970) 626-5811
490 Sherman • Ridgway
OPEN 6:30 am -9:30 pm daily
(970) 728-6500
Mountain Village • Telluride
OPEN 7 am -9 pm daily
Page 12 • San Juan Horseshoe • Summer 2013 Hemp the Savior?
Plastic diapers blamed for
behavior disorders
Crested Butte officials report that black bear have been
teaching tourists how to maneuver the many secure
trash cans (like the one above) dotting the town. But
perhaps what is most alarming is that the visitors are
catching on so quickly. Now nobody will be safe.
At risk trash accounts for more than 90% of all bear
encounters in Colorado in the summer. Please stash
your trash properly and save a life.
(Photo by Gabby Haze)
“For fast acting relief try slowing down.”
- Lily Tomlin
Scribe poised to claim notch in Guinness
(Continued from Page 4)
and, racing across three backstreets, managed to deliver his oblong fare to her engagement without further incident.
He’s a rather amazing fellow,” said the Spanish Ambassador, who had forgotten to get dressed again and was forced
from the seminar leaving his notes and plenty of giggles behind.
As was previously stated, His Excellency’s prepared statements were earmarked to honor taxi driver, Melvin O”Toole,
who at 117 years of age is perched to shatter a file cabinet of existing records dealing with the elderly operating motor
vehicles in New York City. If he succeeds on any level he will be a no-brainer for the Guinness Book of World Records.
Only four more blocks to go,” said longtime cabbie
pal Everette “Fats” Whitewall, Toole’s stinkball foe for
the last 70 years. “I knew him when he came in to the
an otherwise Savage Land
motor pool, a fresh-faced kid. Frankly not real bright. I
didn’t think he’d make it through the first week.”
• Freshly roasted
It’s simple: If the ancient hack can cruise four more
coﬀees and
New York City blocks before midnight tonight (or 2500
espresso
blocks by September 30) he will set the all-time record
for distance driven by a cabbie over the age of 116. The
• Award winning
Guinness distinction does not come with a cash prize.
teas and chais
The almost famous cab driver is destitute and hopes to
cash in on endorsements as soon as he makes the cut.
• Freshly baked
The current fit accompli is only the latest attributed to
pastries
this mountain Methuselah who was elected to the pages
of Guinness in 1943 after he parachuted out of the same
• Breakfast
cargo plane fifteen times in one business day. Later, in
burritos and
1980 O’Toole balanced 72 canned hams on his head for
sandwiches
EVERY THURSDAY
½ hour to set what the insiders say is, and will always
EVENING
• FreeZerz frozen
be, an unattainable mark. Then in 2009 O’Toole shared
specialty drinks
sleeping space in a cave of black bear up Blaine Basin for
ALL SUMMER LONG
three months, leaving only after a particularly violent
argument over a tube of toothpaste. The old record was
Montrose
970-249-6295
six minutes established by Argentine jockey Manny de
Mar near Baldwin in 1990.
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An Oasis of Culture in
(Yellow Rock) The use of plastic disposable diapers is
being blamed for the rise in insanity in civilized cultures according to pediatricians from here to Brownsville. Aside from the obvious psychological damage
that occurs when baby is left too long in any soiled
duds the employment of disposable diapers may be
the root of the rampant social disorder that has
plagued the planet since turn of the last century.
Pop culturalists agree that plastic diapers made
their opening statement in 1948 and were embraced
by mothers (and fathers) who could afford what was
considered a luxury.
Despite the great invention, trouble was ahead.
No diapers to wash but was baby different than
before? Were these diapers really such a good idea?
Were infants wearing these disposables losing ground
both physically and mentally due to chemicals and
plastic embracing their sensitive skin? Were babies
becoming psychopathic because they wore disposable
crotch threads?
Some doctors say that a baby experiences gratification and security by touch at a young age. What
can we expect when he or she is living in plastic
and adhesive instead of soft cotton and safety pins?
Super-absorbent polymers, resealable tape, elastic
waistbands. Was this the stuff of cribs and changing
tables in the future?
Navel intelligence tells us there is less than 10%
collateral damage here but is not clear what harm is
done by the very nature of the garment. Unfortunately the key witnesses who are still parading around in
disposable diapers are not likely to have mastered the
language at that young age and thus cannot to tell us
much about the nitty gritty reality.
Then there is the environmental impact. Disposable is a two-headed monster and convenience comes
at a high price. In just a dozen years discarded plastic
diapers would account for 1.5% of the municipal
waste in the country. In 2050 the diapers pitched in a
landfill today will just begin biodegrading.
One solution is to begin producing diapers from
hemp which is comfortable, sturdy, cheap and last virtually forever. Although many parents are hesitant due
to ignorance of hemp which has long been associated
with the drug culture. Hemp diapers are ecologically
friendly and cost a fraction of the plastic variety. Yes,
they must be washed but considering the fiscal and
environmental benefits it is clearly worth it. Already
astronauts, the incontinent and a host of little circus
dogs have been wearing hemp nappies for years to
glowing reports. The more industrial versions have
been known to empower Democrats to present longer
speeches and control wikileaks in aging Republicans.
One researcher, speaking on the condition that
he not be associated with diapers of any kind said,
“Virtually everyone in civilized society has worn plastic
diapers and everyone is basically nuts.”
- Dag Katz
HANDCRAFTED BEERS
Rooftop Bar & Dining
Open 11am - 9pm
7 days a week
607 Main
325-7388
www.ouraybrewery.com
Colona, Colorado
COLONA CORRAL
– The Town That Just Won’t Blink
News from Storm King to Wildcat Creek
Summer, 2013
Colonese Accused of
Gerrymandering
Unidentified persons in the town of Colona are suspected
of manipulating the boundaries of this constituency to favor
the Know Nothing Party, which disbanded some 100 years
ago. Sneaky back door maneuvering has been going on
since the gov’ment threw the Tabeguache Utes out back
in 1881. The former site of what was then the Los Pinos
Agency has been coveted by East Colona Company heirs
who have threatened to occupy Buckhorn Heights and
Lower Billy Creek unless they get their way.
Then came the dirty gerrymandering incident.
“I don’t know no Jerry Mander or nobody,” said one of
the many flowing burgermeisters in the municipality. “He
must live up on Log Hill”
Progressives here favor putting the town’s fate in the
hands of the Know Nothings, an anti-German and irish
Catholic immigrant party in the 1850s, which they contend
is more in keeping with the general state of politics in the
county. Moving streets around, changing fence lines and
replanting trees in an attempt to confuse voters is against a
host of visual impact ordinances according to complaints
received at the state level.
In response to the growing threats most Irish and
German immigrants have relocated cross the Uncompahgre
River to wait out the storm. One can hear their constant
drumming and smell the aroma from large fish fries
held nightly to remind the often lethargic public of their
predicament.
“You let in one gerrymanderer and pretty soon the place
is lousy with them,” said one resident who wants things
left alone. “The next thing you know we’ll have legitimate
town government. If that happens I’m moving to Canada.”
Both sides have scheduled a meeting at the Colona
Roadhouse, which sits directly on the proposed redistricting
line. Politicians set things up that way back in 1899 so that
each district could have its own bar.
- Small Mouth Bess
Dog Catcher leaves town,
tail between legs
An ex-dog warden, who many believe is the Missing
Link has vacated his blockhouse and appears to have left
town as of this morning. The speedy escape came as angry
peasants demanded relief from dog shortages in the town. It
has been acknowledged that pet to human ratios have fallen
well below acceptable levels since late winter and many
blame the former dog catcher for cuts in canine services.
Some say funds as well as bags of dog biscuits
employed to entice new litters to town have gone missing
and the poorly evolved passage of new leash laws has been
held up in Congress.
Virtual
Decorator
populated nation. To some it may seem ridiculous that a
consumer statement on the part of one small town could
make such an impact.
“They all thought our efforts would be insignificant,”
said Bill Spooner, an organizer of the standoff, “and now
the Chinese banks won’t lend each other so much as a
chicken egg roll. We knew that if we stuck together, if we
persevered, our message would reach pay dirt.”
According to a story in the Beijing Bee the town of
Colona and its sister city of Ratnapura, Sri Lanka have
done irreparable damage to the Chinese economy by
passive aggressive methods of bargain basement exclusion
principles. Their grass roots sanctions have tipped the trade
balance and taught us all a lesson in micro-economics.”
In an attempt to smooth feathers, the People’s Republic
of China has repeatedly sent emissaries to Colona only to
find the rank and file hostile to their advances.
“We just don’t speak the same language,” said Spooner.
-Alfalfa Romero
Rainbow over Colona pasture, 2013
Police are certain that the departed pooch duper is the
Missing Link. He is wanted for crimes against humanity
and a bevy of parking tickets.Readers may recall a January
story in The Corral about a high speed chase through town
after which police thought they had corned the Link behind
the old slaughterhouse. However, after a three hour standoff
it became clear that he had eluded their grasp and slipped
over Log Hill. It is no secret that they would like to collar
him and have increased surveillance on the Utah border
and have stepped up frisk stops on tourist in an attempt to
apprehend their slippery prey.
- Dinty Moore
Convenience items • 24-hour gas with credit card
Liquor Store adjcent
Boycott sends shock waves.
COLONA COUNTRY STORE
(Beijing) A three year economic boycott of Chinese goods
in Colona is being blamed for the recent credit market’s
freeze up in the world’s second largest economy and most
Colona Train Schedule
Morning: No train
Afternoon: No train
Evening: No train
A COLONA LANDMARK
since they started making landmarks
Hwy 550 between • Montrose & Ridgway
www.highwaytothestars.com
The Crested Butte Tobacconist and Lifted Gifts
COME SEE US AT OUR NEW
LOCATION AT 319 ELK AVE
(ACROSS FROM THE ENTRANCE TO LIL’S SUSHI BAR)
We sell functional glass, fine tobaccos,
women’s clothing, musical accessories,
water pipes, fine cigars, vaporizers.
319 Elk Ave Crested Butte (970) 349-7041 Open daily at 10 am
[email protected]
www.cbtobacconist.com
The 15th Annual!
CRESTONE, COLORADO
Mu lt i-C u lt u ral ✶ Multi-Genr e ✶ 2 sta ges
Music & Fun for the Whole Family!
F rid a y, A ugus t 2nd
We carry over 4,000 fabrics for draperies,
valances and Roman Shades
970-240-0099
Open Mon - Fri 9 - 5
Open 10 - 2 Sat
901 S Townsend Montrose, CO
www.budgetblinds.com/Montrose-Telluride
Professional installation
Free consultation and estimates
The Haunted Windchimes
Re be c c a Fr a z i e r H i t & R u n B l u eg ra ss
Satur d ay, Au g u s s t 3 rd
Ta b B e n o i t
S u n d a y, A ugus t 4th
Vi e u x F a rk a Tou re
www.crestfest.org
1-855-85-music ✶ 719-256-4533
“Where there are more elk than people”
“We drove all the way from Paris* to eat here.”
- Herman and Wanda Caldwell
*Paris, Texas
All You Can Eat Soup and Bread
Serving Lunch Sunday - Friday
Monday Night Dinner Buffet
beginning at 5:30 PM
Distinct Sandwiches and Lunch Specials
Fresh Salads with Homemade Dressing
Delicious Desserts
944-7687 Lake City, CO
Behind the Visitor Center and across from the Post Office.
Plus Soup by the Jar, Take and Bake Casseroles
Catering, Private Parties, Special orders
Back Country
Navigator
Maps • Books • Cards
Gifts • Art Supplies • Kid’s Stuff
www.bcnavigator.com
2nd Street & HWY 149
(MEAN JEAN’S BACKSIDE)
Bagels
Burritos
Pastries
Beer • Wine
Liquor
East of Town Park On Hwy 149
Lake City • 944-0302
In Lake City... Southern
Vittles
Catfish
& Chicken
Restaurant
NEW! DAILY SPECIALS...
Friday: Cajun Spicy Boiled Shrimp
5 pm - close
Saturday: Pork Spare Ribs
5 pm - close
PoBoys & Sandwiches • Texas BBQ
Chicken Fried Steak • Gumbo • Shrimp
(970) 944-6277
(888) 700-4174
970-944-2010 • 200A N. Silver St.
C oun try Fried
b o, www.lakecitycafe.com
970-944-0301
m
u
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u m b o, C ou n
G
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Fr
ucin eak, C r
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t
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ried
and C ock tails. Muss
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• Dine inside or outside
SaBIG Patio
ailBeautiful
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Sa ini, G umb o, C oun tr , Fett
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ttu
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e
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aS nd ou t, Pastas, Sandwich ock t
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ts as,
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MUSIC
WEEKENDS
OUT BACK!
Sunday: 1/2 Smoked BBQ Chicken
5 pm - close
Lake City, CO
etizers, Rib eyes, Trou t,
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reat k, C reative Appetizers Pastas
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310 Gunnison Ave (Hwy 149)
LAKE CITY BUSINESS OF THE YEAR
LUNCH and DINNER Daily 11:30 am - 9:00 pm Sunday Brunch
Restless Spirits Saloon
Comfort food
HandCrafted Pizzas
sandwiCHes and salads
foosball & Pool table
gh
lake City
300 3rd Street
944 -0300
“Where there are more elk than people”
~Made in the sweetest
spot on earth~
Everything a mountain town candy shop should be…and
then some. Take a step back to your childhood.
221 N Silver St
970-944-0331
www.lakecitysweets.com
Fresh, Homemade Fudge • Caramel Apples
oPen 11:30 daily summers
kitCHen oPened until 10 Pm daily
gh bar oPen late gh
Happy Hour 4 - 7 daily
check out our menu at: www.restlessspiritssaloon.com
Relax This
Summer!
Make Your Own Trail Mix • Salt Water Taffy
Hand Dipped Marshmallows & Pretzels
www.mochamoosecoffeehouse.com
Find Us on Facebook
Classic Candies • Sugar Free Candy
Fancy Chocolates • Bulk Candy by Pound
Gift Packages • We Ship Anywhere (as of Sept)
Order Early for the Holidays!
Open Year Round
7 Days • 10 to 7pm
LAKE CITY, COLORADO
308 SILVER STREET
944-0334
Slumgullion…
COFFEES & TEAS
BREAKFAST & LUNCH
SMOOTHIES & SHAKES
A little of this, a little of that!
Fun gifts for the discriminating (and not so discriminating).
Featuring Fair Trade and Eco-friendly products from home and abroad.
Celebrating 40 years
“The Worst Thing About Living In The Mountains,
Is The Way They Block Your View!”
BB
Dave Roberts
Independent Broker
(970) 944-7777 Office
(970) 209-3352 Mobile
220 N. Gunnison Ave. Lake City, CO
www.RoyalElkRealty.com
Gift Gallery
Come find out
why this store is
like the landslide
that created the
lake for which
Lake City was
named.
Fourth and Gunnison Ave Lake City, CO
970-944-2623 www.slumgullionecotrade.com
BENEFIT DANCE
PERFORMANCE REAPS MILLIONS
by Julio Hamish Gonzalez y MacPerez
The Tasmanian dance ensemble, Rubber Underwear Factory, known worldwide for its illegitimate quadruplets and tasseled quadrupeds, has
been performing throughout the San Juan region
this summer to rabid audiences that literally hurl
cash at the high-stepping women.
Rubber Underwear Factory has been touring
the USA since 1963, offering benefit performances for the preservation of hairless geriatric
hippies, blind autoerotic Republicans who failed
to listen to their grammar school nuns, politically
incontinent cowboys with degenerative dermatitis
of the gluteus maximus, and
religiously inspired explosives engineers, among others.
The main attraction of the
dance troupe isn’t the extraordinary dancing monkey
that’s the double of Rep. Michele Bachmann, although
the animal’s performance
of “Melt the Phone Lines,” a
West Australian Flamenco
Samba using teabags for
tassels, nearly brought down
No Tricks
No Potions
Just competent
animal doctorin’
Laura A. Ramos, DVM
970-349-1700
the house at the Montrose Pavilion last Saturday.
The definitive stars of Rubber Underwear Factory are the four sisters, Myalgia, Myopia, Latrina, and Purina Tolstoy-Brown, who are zygotic
quadruplets born to a dishwasher in a smoked
kidney restaurant in Ulverstone, Tasmania. Their
mother threw the babies into the Leven River for
fear she would be accused of stealing wongi fruit,
but they were salvaged by the Leven Steel Crate
Company’s CEO, who raised them as his own,
once he figured out what they were.
More often seen among protozoa, zygotic
quadruplets are extremely rare in human form.
This multiple birth condition is caused by the
meiosis of the zygote immediately after karyogamy and polygamy, which is the confusion
of cell nuclei. The organism improperly ends its
diploid phase, producing several haploid cells,
which become haphazard, dividing mitotically to
Uncorked
L A K E
W I N E
&
C I T Y
M U S I C
F E S T I VA L
Hinsdale
K.C. Errett
Russ Chapman
Chimney Choir
Moors & McCumber
Lisa Morales
Bonnie & The Clydes
County
LODGING
TAX BOARD
L A K E
C I T Y
inc.
DIRT
Artwork by Russ Brown
September 21, 2013
Funkdafari
www.lakecityfestival.org • 970-944-3478
Hosted by Lake City DIRT
Proceeds from the festival benefit the community of Lake City
form larger, multicellular individuals with facial
characteristics of males and stunningly hot female
bodies, due to the opposite types of gametes
(e.g., male and female) fusing to become a single
zygote after breakfast.
The only other known surviving zygotic quadruplet (her siblings died at birth) is the transvesperado, I. M. Zorro, a gay bandito singer in
Argentina.
For years Myalgia, Myopia, Latrina, and Purina had adjustment issues, especially since their
adoptive father mistook them for goats at first.
Upon release from the pen where he kept them
with sheep raised for Donald Trump’s hairpieces,
the girls discovered they could move their arms
and legs in a graceful and natural rhythm with
the wind. Their father immediately shipped them
to Brisbane to the legendary Dr. Jekyll N. Hyde,
who taught the Koch Brothers to square dance,
carnal self-stimulation, and proper flossing.
Hyde put the girls through the rigor mortis of
classical dance, flamenco, rumba, and jazz, causing Latrina, and Purina to break several bones in
his left arm. Myalgia, Myopia, Latrina, and Purina
used dance to express their frustration with racists,
polygamists, and Congressional halfwits (which is
most of them), developing great passion in their
style.
As performers they were exceedingly shy, initially able to dance only for an audience of kangaroos and small sexually indiscreet insectivores
like Rupert Murdoch. Then Hyde bribed Myalgia
with large quantities of rum-filled bilby balls (an
Australian confection made from the gonads of
Macrotis lagotis teabagii). Shortly thereafter, her first performance in Sidney garnered rave reviews and a
few dead stagehands. The applause and adulation made her so effervescent, effusive, elated,
exhilarated, exuberant, and downright frothy that
her sisters joined her for the next dance.
During a performance at the Church of the
Unborn in Boggabilla, Queensland – somewhere
in the Outback near Goodiwindi in a remote heatwave of a place resembling Olathe – the sisters
met several pregnant wallabies and Berry Fey, the
American music promoter.
Fey had already organized several successful
bands and dance troupes, such as the Hairynosed Wombats featuring Hillary Clinton, The
Constipations with Rush Limbaugh, and The Village Idiots with a choir of Republicans from Arizona. Fey was currently promoting Nucking Futs
and the Teabags out of Washington, D.C., along
with Born to Be Stupid, a newly regurgitated
group led by Wisconsin’s Paul Ryan.
was so moving that some males in the audience
expressed a desire to incubate kiwi eggs with her.
She was, to paraphrase cultural intellectual Joseph Campbell, a woman with a thousand faces,
each persuasively realized.
The voluptuous Purina emoted similarly, creating a magical mirror-like image of her sister as the
two made the Forbidden into something at once
fulfilling and frightening.
Rubber Underwear Factory will continue performances in the San Juan region throughout the
summer, benefiting several major charities, including Dopamine and Neurotransmitter-deficient
County Commissioners, Ltd., Region 10 Refraction
Recovery for Laboratory Mice, and PETA.
Because Myalgia, Myopia, Latrina, and Purina
didn’t fit into any of Fey’s established troupes, he
proposed to create a group specific to the sisters’
talents. Thus Rubber Underwear Factory was born
in 1959.
They haven’t stopped since, except to change
their knickers in Huston, once. They began their
world tour in 1960, ending up in America after
missing a flight to Borneo.
American audiences embraced the lively sisters, particularly after heavy drinking. Rubber
Underwear Factory has evolved over the years to
include singing marsupials, religious commentary
from Alfred Packer’s diaries titled, “What I had
for supper is in heaven now,” and a few overweight ballet dancers.
Most popular in Ouray, Crested Butte, and
Parlin is the sisters’ performance of the Parisian
Cancan and especially Latrina and Purina’s “Forbidden Belly Dance.”
With erotic costumes and chain-link fencing,
the sisters strike sculpturesque poses that melt into
liquid bowel movements and expressive neck and
eye movements in a poignant and celebrative
narrative of the spiritual journey of a Persian toad
embalmer.
While Latrina possesses the physicality to
perform this difficult dance, it was the power of
her lack of deodorant and her facial gestation
that made the audience moan for more. During the dance she expressed agony, loss, elation, empathy, bladder infection, and mourning.
Her stunning face is like an overripe pineapple
perched atop the svelte form of a goddess. She
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Warning: The Polaris RANGER and RZR are not intended for on-road use. Driver must be at least 16 years old with a valid driver’s license to operate. Passengers
must be at least 12 years old and tall enough to grasp the hand holds and plant feet firmly on the floor. All SxS drivers should take a safety training course.
Contact ROHVA at www.rohva.org or (949) 255-2560 for additional information. Drivers and passengers should always wear helmets, eye protection, protective
clothing, and seat belts. Always use cab nets. Be particularly careful on difficult terrain. Never drive on public roads or paved surfaces. Never engage in stunt
driving, and avoid excessive speeds and sharp turns. Riding and alcohol/drugs don’t mix. Check local laws before riding on trails. ©2012 Polaris Industries Inc.
www.SunSportsUnlimited.com
[Julio Hamish Gonzalez y MacPerez’s note:
Regular, irregular and constipated readers should
take note that no rodent of any stripe was mentioned within this article, due to the editor’s Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder over the loss of his
bathtub marmot this winter when a Crawford, TX
hunter mistook it for an elk.]
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
- W.C. Fields
HANDWORKS
Since 1980
The greatest cards and gifts on earth.
* UPSTAIRS*
Corner of 3rd & Elk Avenue
Downtown Crested Butte, Colorado
970-349-6731
Crested Butte’s Newest
Coolest Hat Shop
Alley
Hats
Next to Rocky Mountain
Chocolate Factory
The Real Deal
Town Council Passes
Tennis Ball Ordinance
(Ouray) In an attempt to curtail the hoarding of tennis
balls by local canine, the Ouray Town Council today
voted to limit the number of balls to three per dog.
Acting unanimously, the legislators agreed that the
matter had reached crisis proportions and that swift
action was needed to alter acutely obsessive behavior.
Local dogs can now legally possess only three
tennis balls, which are to be stored on site and clearly
displayed for inspection by officials. Canines found with
the rubber contraband among their food dishes, blankets and walking apparel will be confined or tied up
until the matter can be resolved. Repeated infractions
will result in fines levied on owners.
“Dog court will inherit most of the accumulation
cases although aggravated episodes may fall under civil
jurisdiction,” said Rover Katz, interim city dogcatcher.
“Part of the problem is that other communities in the
county have yet to initiate these progressive dictates
on conduct and unknowingly provide safe havens for
the criminal element right under our noses.”
Many residents, both dog owners and others agree
that something had to be done.
“We have dogs living here that have as many as 10
to 20 tennis balls hidden in bushes, dropped under
porches and defiantly left out in the sun to rot,” said
one woman who says she prefers cats.
“I’m all for dogs having a good time and all but
three tennis balls should certainly be enough to entertain even the most neurotic canine,” added a local man
who raises exotic Chihuahuas. “Most of my dogs are
too small to get a tennis ball into their mouths so let
Dogs like Gracie, who look sweet and innocent enough,
have been known to hoard up to 20 tennis balls at a time,
where they reside. What they do with the stash is not
altogether clear but the importance of the balls cannot be
denied. The problem is intensified by a less than vigilant
owner corps often too busy to modify behavior and keep
an accurate count on the number of tennis balls in their
own backyard.
Toole Accepts West Virginia
Humanitarian Award
them play with rubber marbles instead. We’ve only had
one incident in fifteen years where a dog swallowed
one. I sure hope marbles aren’t included in the restrictions.”
Critics of the ordinance say the town has no right
to extend limitations on private property. They pledge
to fight the new laws on the grounds that every dog
should have his day, as clearly documented in state and
federal precepts.
Meanwhile many dog owners here have enrolled
their pets in Balls Anonymous, an organization that
seeks to integrate dog skills and positive self worth,
confronting the deeper demons of addiction.
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(Parkersburg) Newspaper giant Melvin Toole accepted a
prestigious award from the West Virginia Musicians Union
today in acknowledgment for sensitivity in the survival of
a native son. The accolade was presented for outstanding
humanitarian gestures: bumming an estimated seven cigarettes over a five year period.
Here’s what happened: In March Crested Butte resident
Steve Snyder survived a serious heart attack which was
undoubtedly related to smoking. Attending physicians told
the patient that his brush with tragedy could not have been
closer and that he is lucky to be alive. They then went on to
say that a few more puffs might have done him in.
Quickly it became apparent that Toole had mooched
several smokes from Snyder from 2009–2012.
Although the exact dates and setting for the official bumming were not clear the action has been substantiated by
by-standers and Snyder himself, making Toole a kind of
left-handed hero.
“Strange as it may seem the absence of those seven
smokes could have made all the difference,” said one doctor. “Although we abhor smoking we must recognize that
the actions of Toole may have saved a life.”
Toole is not a regular smoker but has been known to
fall off the wagon on special occasions like Tuesday and
Wednesdays.
“At the time I didn’t think anything of his request for
a smoke,” said Snyder, “but as it works out I’m glad I was
generous.”
Snyder, a tough old bastard, survived what physicians
said was severe blockage. When the doctors asked when he
would like them to begin the life-saving procedures he said
“When I’m damn good and ready.”
Toole, who fell and broke his collard green last week,
was helped onto the stage in West Virginia by the ghost of
Confederate General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson who was
born at Clarksburg in Harrison County.
- Fred Zeppelin
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Recycling Plan to Include Crabs
Over 50,0000 acre feet of water, illegally seized by Front
Range concerns, will be returned to its rightful owners on
the Western Slope by truck this summer. The photo here
shows water crews engaged in a test run back in April.
Confront Range
must return water
(Denver) The Fifth Circuit Quart has denied an appeal by
the Denver Water Board, instructing that thirsty entity to
return nearly 45,000 acre feet of Western Slope water to its
rightful owners on the Sunnyside Slope.
The water, which the court has established was stolen
over a 70-year period, is currently stored in four major reservoirs and monitored from as many municipal and county
facilities. It is slated to be hauled back over the mountains
starting in July, with the entire transfer set to be completed
by September. This controversial ruling sets precedence for
every water agreement adjudicated since 1830.
Using strong language to condemn the Front Range
water pirates the presiding judge, Dorothy Salamander,
called the decision a step toward justice in the long-fought
water wars in Colorado.
“In Western Colorado most of the water is used to grow
food and sustain small communities. In Front Range cities
the seized water it is used to make asphalt and concrete,
water golf courses, wash streets, irrigate traffic medians, fill
swimming pools and move sewage,” she said.
Although technically the water grab was legal enough,
the methods, contracts and principal players were always
shady,” she explained to the court. “Plenty of people signing the water off did not own it and only wanted a fast
buck. Fear tactics and promises of a wondrous return for
the investment were tainted by bullies.”
According to records going back far beyond statehood,
the original water was to be used to grow lettuce for the
railroad and nothing else. Although it is difficult to determine whether any lettuce came up, it is quite clear that
the water was knowingly diverted to a mad assortment of
growth projects aimed at profits for the planners.
Places like South Park used to be green,” smiled Salamander.
Failure to adhere to the ruling could launch a brand new
posthumous criminal investigation and is sure to open the
door to stiff fines and hostile annexation of borderlands on
the Great Divide. Populist groups in rural Western Colorado are currently examining the application of eminent
domain in dealings with privately held, non-essential water
sources.
“That’s not going to happen,” said one Jefferson County
official. We lost this battle but we have yet to lose the war.
For now we’re accumulating a very impressive fleet of
water trucks.
- Small Mouth Bess
(Gunnison) In what has been called a progressive plan to encourage further recycling, leaders here have
included cranky residents in a future blueprint for rubbish removal and general sanitation. Starting this summer
refuse engineers will begin picking up recycled persons who have clearly exhibited negative, whinny and
destructive behavior as defined by their peers.
According to the master plan the city will not go trolling for malcontents but rather will rely on residents
to identify and isolate these people by leaving them on the sidewalk with their garbage and traditional
recyclables. Once pegged as a chronic crab and continual menace to the positive flow of energy that person will
be hauled off to an unspecified locale to get help.
“I myself “removed” after a series of tantrums and sullen behavior one winter back in Whitefish, Montana,”
confessed Byron Ivanhoe, the recognized architect of the Gunnison plan who holds a doctorate in urban
planning from Cal Polygamy. “Whitefish, a pioneer in recycling philosophy, sent me to a sanitarium in Belize,
where I got help. It was then that I realized light deficiency and continued cold weather didn’t agree with me
so I relocated to the banana belt, found a parasitic position, bought a fly rod and began paying back my debt to
society.”
Cutting his teeth on recycling back in the Midwest, where entire towns often had to be recycled, Ivanhoe
was quick to point out that most people in Colorado are perfectly adjusted and environment and will never need
to be recycled.
“Sure in the middle of winter our workload might be higher but then with the coming of the warmer weather
we expect very little activity unless we get some unhappy arrival, testy transient or crabby drop-in,” explained
Ivanhoe. “All I can say is that our teams receive the latest training and the designated crab had better stay clear
of pickup spots on trash day.”
If you live within the confines of the city of Gunnison and you would like to recycle a crabby neighbor or
family member simply put them out the night before the scheduled pickup. Persons from outside the city are
not eligible for this service. Anyone caught attempting to recycle emotional baggage or toxic materials will be
prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-Dag Katz
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IMBEDDED JOURNALIST WATER-BOARDED
President Obama is expected to
sign. These WMDs, unlike tanks
AP/Boston. Ty D. Bowles, a Boston Globules journalist imbedded with a congresswomen from Southern and missile launchers, are not
protected by the Second AmendColorado on the Your Means, My Ways committee,
ment. As soon as Congress actuwas water-boarded for being in the wrong bed with a
ally redefines pressure cookers
Weapon of Mass Destruction (WMD), this week.
Em T. Hedd of Fox Newless leaked the story all over as WMDs, with the assistance of
Fox Newless and the contents of
the San Juan Horseshoe in the dog’s run. Hedd demanded an interview with Bowles because she claimed the Bush Lie-bury (also known
the gov’mint has listed Bowles as a “person of interest” as the Comic Book Suppository
but not an interesting person in recent explosive events and Falsification, Fabrication,
near Nucla. This is apparently due to a flippant remark and Universal Calumniation Unit
or FFUC-U), all pressure cookers
he made when he rang his Boston brother and simply
will be confiscated. Citizens will
asked, “Did you do it?”
be expected to voluntarily surThe gov’mint quickly launched a list of “persons of
interest,” which included everyone in Boston, their rela- render pressure cookers or face
tives in Massachusetts, and their kith and kin through- SWAT no-knock, no-warrant
raids at the wee hours of the
out the USA, except Alaska, since that state has the
collective IQ of a squash and has been registered as too night for maximum effect.
While applying pressure cookdim to tie shoelaces.
ers
to Bowles’s lower extremities,
Once the gov’mint had established that Bowles was
gov’mint
agents asked Bowles if
related to a known Bostonian (well, his brother licks
he
was
self-radicalized
or had bestamps there, at least), and was a long-term serial user
come
a
radical
by
joining
a known or unknown radical
of a device of potential mass destruction (a pressure
group,
or
if
he
had
become
radicalized in his formative
cooker), Bowles’ entire life was turned upside down.
years
due
to
radical
parents
or untreated diaper rash.
Agents began watching him, bugging his phone with
One
agent
point
blank
asked
him, “Did you become
termites, worming into his computer and I-Pud (which
radicalized because you joined a radical group or did
caused Bowles to suffer severe endoplasty), and interyou join a radical group because you were already a
viewing all his neighbors and friends, of which there
are few to none. Bowles’ FBI dossier is now larger than radical?”
Bowles replied, “Is this a chicken or egg theoretical
life and his CIA derriere has been fitted for Depends.
question?”
Due to his extensive use of aliases and pseudonyms as a
The agent jumped up and sternly demanded, “Exwriter, the FBI will be inquiring if any of those identiplain
theoretical! ‘Theo’ means God in Greek – are you
ties are legitimate pen names or only a front to hide his
religiously
motivated?”
clandestine and unnatural use of pressure cookers.
Bowles was then subjected to water-boarding. They
Congress has already rammed through legislation
accused
him of joining a local Fox-viewing group in orprohibiting the ownership of pressure cookers, which
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der to radicalize it because he supposedly has a “strong
leadership-type personality” and thus he is considered
capable of manipulating the duller, weaker personalities
of the halfwits who regularly insert Fox Newsless fare
into their vacant craniums.
Bowles said that was impossible – “after all when
Fox Newless is blaring it automatically lowers the IQ of
everyone in the room and village idiots are incapable of
grasping the complexities of justice, ethics, natural law,
and rationality.”
Agents asked if he chewed gum. Bowles denied the
charges.
They noted that most gum chewers generally do not
hold radical views and do not carry out direct action,
however, the opposite holds true. They muttered something about Bowles’ atheistic views and left, threatening
to return after they deciphered what he had revealed to
them.
Bowles quickly removed thirteen pressure cookers
from his newly dug alimentary canal, asking medical
personnel not to disclose his location.
He told the Horseshoe that he would never surrender
his pressure cookers, nor his last enema bag. He has not
been seen since.
Slagman PI
The Golden Years
In an effort to transform myself into a ‘more caring
and sensitive’ individual, I was grooming my aura
with a double shot of Beam when Remeculah Johnson
stumbled into my office on the second floor of a seedy
brick building that housed a variety of foul smelling
sweat shops, loan sharks and bail bondsmen.
As the former wife of my long time partner, Nubulo
Johnson, who was supposed to be working a case in
El Segundo, but was most likely lying drunk in a back
alley filled with various excreta in the bad part of
town, Remeculah enjoyed a hazy and ill-defined relationship within the booze-filled environs of Slagman,
P.I. Inc.
Word on the street was that she had at one time
owned an exotic bag of tricks that were effective in
what was then called ‘exclusive men’s clubs,’ and
mostly catered to the more bizarre and twisted desires
of men like Vladimir Ularov, a greasy thug who was
often accused but never convicted of white slavery,
prostitution and conspiracy to defraud the IRS.
You could say she was almost family, but with connections to men like Ularov and his minions of evangelical hate-mongering jingoists, I needed her around
like I needed another kick in the teeth.
I slid open the desk drawer and rested my hand on
the butt of a Colt .45, just in case she wasn’t here to
invite me to a church picnic. “What can I do for you
today?” I said. Always the helpful guy.
“Mind if I sit down?” she asked.
“By all means,” I grinned, “have a seat. Care for
something to drink? Coffee? Whiskey? Herbal tea?”
“Herbal tea,” she groaned. “What is this, some kinda
stinking health club?”
“Not quite,” I said, “I’m just trying to, ah, improve
my image.”
“Image?” she laughed, “you’re nothing but a sleazy
private dick who owes money all over town. Hell, I
hear you even voted for that Democrat.”
“Who I vote for is none of anyone’s business,” I said.
“Now, what can I do for you?”
As she settled her vast bulk into the visitor’s chair,
the woodwork creaked in protest.
Remeculah Johnson may have at one time been a
desirable courtesan in the bordellos of the Ukrainian
mob, and was rumored to be sought after by overfed
politicians associated with them, but I suspected those
days (or nights) were far behind her. Her weight
alone would make it hard if not impossible for anyone
but the most determined to achieve any kind of physical congress.
She used some kind of emollient in an effort to combat an insistent aroma that filled the small office with
a cloud of stale sweat and heavy musk.
Her face appeared to have been ravaged by some
invasive procedure that went awry, perhaps a botox
injection in the hands of a trembling drunk. Looking
at her reminded me of a sack of drilling mud that fell
off the back of a dump truck.
“Look,” I said, “if you need money, you’ve come at a
bad time.”
“Yeah? Why’s that?”
“I’m on my way outta here pretty quick,” I lied, “I
gotta get to my tantric yoga class so I can reinforce
what’s left of my chakra.”
“There can’t be much of that left,” she laughed, “you
never had none to begin with.”
“Nonetheless.....,”
“Look here Slagman. To tell you the truth, I’m worried about Nubulo.”
“I don’t think he has any more money than I do,” I
said, “which is right about zero.”
“It’s not that,” she said, “although I do find myself
short of funds at the moment......What I heard was,
there was a big shoot-out down in El Segundo. Those
Ukrainians were there, and I know he was down there
working on a case.”
“Well,” I said, “I thought I woulda heard from him
by now.”
I got rid of Remeculah, called my assistant, Sweetcakes Melone. I told her to meet me at the slaughterhouse in El Segundo.
“Better bring some back-up,” I said, knowing she
would have a sawed-off twelve-gauge, a .357 magnum,
and a belly gun that looked like a cell phone.
I slid the .45 into a shoulder rig, strapped a snubnose .38 into an ankle holster, grabbed a fifth of Beam
and a deck of Luckies and headed up town.
Black smoke belched from the stacks of the factories
on the south side, traffic was bumper to bumper at the
coal yards, where sweating laborers rotted their guts
out in the blazing midday sun. It wasn’t long before I
could smell the effluvium from the rendering plants
and slaughterhouses that surrounded the stockyards,
making me homesick for the clean air of the high desert where I was born so many years ago.
The sound of gunfire a block north made me
lengthen my stride. I choked down a healthy slug of
Beam, lit a smoke and looked for Melone.
She should be here by now.
As if reading my mind, she whispered in my ear:
“What’s up, big guy?”
Nancy Turley
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970-252-1011
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I turned for a quick look. She was dressed in a black
leather mini skirt, high-heeled go-go boots and a low
cut sleeveless, blood red blouse that revealed more
than a hint of her magnificent cleavage. Her thighs
were creamy and smooth. I had no idea where she
could hide the artillery I knew she must be carrying.
I wanted to give her a quick courtin’ her right then,
but Nubulo Johnson came running around the corner
shucking empty shells from a .44 mag, while a gang
of Ukrainians wearing balaclavas was nearly upon
him. When I yelled, he dove into the filthy gutter and
Sweetcakes opened up with the twelve-gauge. I barely
had time to claw the .45 outta the shoulder rig, then
realized it was all over as the shredded bodies of the
mobsters twitched and flopped around on the sidewalk.
“We gotta get outta here!” I screamed.
Running back to the south side was slow going for
Melone in the go-go boots, but we each grabbed an
arm and hustled her down the alley before the cops
showed.
“Stop grabbing my boob!” she yelled.
“Who, me?” I grinned.
Follow the Horseshoe year-round
fresh soups, sandwiches & muffins
A Question of
Mental Health
Congress Cuts Space Budget,
Strands Astronauts
(Warshington) In the latest bout of partisan politics the United States Congress today cut spending on
NASA and other space programs, many that have been in existence since the Kennedy years. The cuts
came abruptly and as much of a surprise to insiders here in the nation’s capital.
Unlike other budgetary considerations, this move is effective immediately and sadly leaves at least 7
astronauts floating around in outer space. The funds, earmarked to return the space travelers to earth
in the next 15 days, are no longer in the coffer and therefore cannot be used to bring them home.
The legislation comes as a shock to many Democrats who insist the fault herein lies with the Republicans. Members of the GOP blame the demise of the program on tax and spend Democrats who
they say can’t stop writing checks.
The Pentagon budget is not affected by the cuts.
Informed of the development, several astronauts expressed concern but agreed that they would be
grounded sooner or later.
“We have enough chemical food and oxygen to last two more weeks,” said Aurora B. Alice, one of
the first female astronaut pioneers to orbit the earth back in 1979. “I don’t know how these lawmakers
look on the ground but they look pretty silly from up here.”
Critics say the Congress is desperate to make changes and that the entire body seems disoriented.
Many of the members on both sides of the aisle have taken to talking to themselves and exhibiting
forgetfulness on a grand scale. One Republican Senator from Alabama could not remember where to
meet his limo while a Democrat from Vermont could not remember the names of his servants. Another has been giving away gifts from lobbyists.
Maybe we could take the money out of Social Security and Medicare,” suggested rookie astronaut
Melin Toole, even though it doesn’t belong to us. Or maybe we could lower minimum wage. I for one
am tired of giving it all away to the poor. What do they contribute?” he asked.
Meanwhile the United States Air Force, which reported a hefty surplus in 2012, has offered to rescue the astronauts.
“It was either NASA or NPR,” said one Republican Representative from Ohio. “So we don’t want to
hear lot of whining from the liberals.”
- Alfalfa Romeo
“We do not want to sell a foot of our land. That
is the opinion of all. The Whites can come and
take gold and then leave. We do not want them to
build houses here.”
Read all the news
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June 28, 2013
(The scene is the entryway of an ubiquitous mental
health facility somewhere in Western Colorado. It is
just after lunch and most of the patients are engaged
in therapeutic siesta which could last well into medication hour and/or dinner.)
21st Century Man: Pardon me, but I’d like to inquire
about admission.
Nurse Thorazine: Sorry, we’re full. Go away.
21st Century Man: But I’m nuts.
Nurse Thorazeen: Can you prove it?
21st Man: Well, I’m out of control most of the time.
I just pulled in the reins to make it down here. I could
go off at any moment.
Nurse: That’s what they all say.
21st Man: OK. You win. I’ll prove it. Watch this...
(The 21st Century Man proceeds to eat all of the #2
pencils carefully arranged on the admittance desk
then begins banging his head on the reception counter...harder and harder with each repetition.)
Nurse: All right! All right...that’s just about enough
of that shameful display. You’ll wake up the clients.
Just because you eat a few pencils and bang your
head on the desk doesn’t necessarily mean you’re
crazy.
21st Man: Well then, tell me, what does then?
Nurse: A history of mental illness would be nice.
Have you ever been under psychiatric care?
21st Man: Not that I can recall. Wait, I did talk to a
school counselor once, about twenty-five years ago.
Nurse: Can you document it?
21st: I doubt whether anyone keeps records that far
back.
Nurse: Hmmmm. I’d like to help you but rules are
rules and it’s about time for this meeting to end. You
must have the proper credentials or we can’t admit
you. Do you have any idea how many people come in
here everyday claiming to be nuts?
21st: But I am really nuts!
Nurse: Now there’s no reason to raise our voice. You
think you are special?
21st: Didn’t you ever see Catch 22 where the hero
cannot convince the battalion shrink that he’s crazy
enough for a section 8 after uncountable bombing
missions, just because he is sane enough to seek one?
Nurse: He probably failed to produce the required
paperwork.
21st: Where would I get that...the proper paperwork.
Nurse: We have doctors here that can perform an initial diagnosis, but they are all quite busy right now.
If you insist on pursuing this why not take a seat.
You’ll find a wide array of medications in the ash
trays because, of course, this is a non-smoking facility. Do you smoke?
21st: No
Nurse: Do you have insurance.
21st: Yes, I pay over $750 per month but it doesn’t
cover mental health.
Nurse: It’s up to you. I have to get back to work.
21st: Oh well, I guess I’ll wait for the initial diagnosis. I’ll be just as crazy in an hour as I am right now.
CONTINUED NEXT MONTH
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Alpine Glow Horoscope
GEMINI
(May 21 - June 20)
SCORPIO
(October 24 - November 22)
There’s not room enough in this horoscope for the both of
you. Either learn to tolerate your personalities or your present
emotional state could forfeit federal funding. Although drinking
and driving are illegal when conducted simultaneously, in your
case the combined activity could only improve performance on
the highway. Confrontations are easily resolved by the application
of violence. Just kidding. Always wait at least five working days
before purchasing a celestial hand gun. Take heart in the little
things, the consistent things: the sun’s most likely coming up again
tomorrow and the Cubs still suck.
How do you expect to determine where your life will go when
you cannot even remember where you have been. It’s no easier
to see your real self by gaining all that weight. Embracing an
attractive stranger could land you on your butt in a hurry. Selfdiscipline and sacrifice suck. Live for the moment. Delay instant
gratification until you are sure your hand is safely out of the
cookie jar. And here you are wearing nothing but strong cologne
and a cautious smile.
CANCER
(June 21 - July 22)
People will tend to start ugly rumors regarding your choice of
breakfast cereal. The best kept secret is one that is never shared
in the first place. Write everything down and then eat the pen for
security reasons. Walking under the ladder of success is always
bad luck. Feed some birds this afternoon.You need all the friends
you can get. Choose a pain relief medicine that you can count on.
Stop believing in authority and start believing in yourself. Big girls
don’t cry. I don’t know what big boys do in the traumatic wake.
We will not be undersold. I guarantee it!
LEO
(July 23 - August 22)
You’re certainly not what we expected.You’re nothing like Zeus
— or Athena.You’re more like Bacchus or long-legged Venus
de Milo. Most of the minor deities resent your inability to play
god. Those born with the energy of Leo will roar like a lion but
succumb to the proverbial bad moods associated with the King
of Beasts. Beware of tiger pits and Mutual of Omaha salesmen.
Catnip abuse is still legal, but single malt scotch is much more
enjoyable. If one plans to hunt all night, it is imperative that he
sleeps in the shade all afternoon. Digest all raw food completely
before joining in on the pride picnic. Perspire to greatness.
VIRGO
(August 23 - September 22)
Kissing a toad is fine just so long as it doesn’t kiss you back.Your
legendary poker face refers not to gambling, but to your intrusive
nose and fireplace maintenance. Mercury insists on moving in
with Venus, even though she shares a walk-up studio flat on the
wrong side of the cosmos. Someone from your blurred past
will re-emerge in the cloudy present and remain in your life
well into the foggy future. Pack up! You have been relegated to
the developmental squad.Your team is already overloaded with
tackling dummies.
LIBRA
(September 23 - October 23)
Dietary tardiness will most likely cause a rectangular explosion
in the lower 40. Magpies in the morning, car hoods take warning;
magpies at night, the stuff is still white. Jock itch is generally
psychosomatic, unless you are a female. Unlimited opportunities
exist behind unlocked doors. Do your homework and cash in
later on. Evolution is still a postulate and quite obviously does not
affect everyone on two legs Tonight: Take a nice bus trip.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 - December 21)
Following a more spiritual path does not require a daily stop
at your favorite liquor store. Learn to enjoy spending time
with yourself, since there is certainly no run on that particular
commodity. Find something of which to be proud.You are an
illegitimate child of the universe. Running away from all your
problems will do no good and will only draw attention to your
shortcomings and your worn-down spikes. Try backing away
slowly instead, and avoid incidental eye contact. Wait for the walk
sign.You can’t park here. Turn your head and cough.
CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 19)
Make sure that friends and associates fully comprehend the fact
that when lightly pressed, you become an instant prick. Spending
time in the company of salmon eggs could do a lot for your sense
of self. Embrace a catch-and-release philosophy when it comes to
romance.You are still too young to get married, even in dog years.
Your mother drives a pickle wagon. In the face of global warming,
it is even more important that you chill out. Bond with your
couch soon. Why would anyone rent a jeep up here in Colorado
when he can haul one from Texas?
AQUARIUS
(January 20 - February 19)
Romantic inclinations will remain on the back burner if you
continue to fumble around preheating the oven. Learn your way
around the matchbook. Put periodic memory loss to work for
you.You may be anal-retentive, but at least you’ve managed to
keep something from your otherwise shrouded past. Adopting a
highway could satisfy the needs of your collective consciousness.
It might, however be easier to adopt some goldfish. One is not
likely to find integrity at the bottom of the barrel. Eat a bad
apple...then the rest of us won’t have to deal with worms. Tonight:
Have it out with bed bugs.
small disappointments to better prepare yourself for the large
ones. Recognize the truth for what it is and apply it only when
cornered.Your ominous sense of self-confidence and the shape
of your head are not helpful in most social situations. Blanket
solutions to the puzzles of drafty dogma may leave you freezing
your posterior at night. Miracles happen but go easy on the hot
sauce. Nobody wants to alarm anyone but you are running short
of vodka. Leap before you look.
ARIES
(March 21- April 19)
Be extra careful working with unfamiliar tools today, such as
your instinctual logic. Hesitation on the base paths of life could
put you back down in the minor leagues. Expect a curve with a
full count and button up your infield fly before you are accused
of grandstanding or worse. While stealing right field could be
considered quite an accomplishment, it will not be recorded in
the box scores tomorrow. Bringing in the bullpen before the
fifth could kill your credit at the off-license store. Ground rule
doubles have no place on the civilized tennis circuit.
TAURUS
(April 20 - May 20)
Stop wasting all that time standing around waiting for the toilet
tank to fill up. Let your mind go and your body will follow. Isolate
certain weak spots between your shoulders and your conscience.
Your entire life up to this point has been a fielder’s choice. Hitting a
home run on the first date could jeopardize away games and result
in an unwanted home stand. Spend time under water. A ring in the
nose is far better than losing your oysters. GMOs are not muscle
cars. Always remember: It all looks quite simple to a simpleton.
Need a laugh?
MARCHITELLI’S
G O U RM E N T N O O D L E
PISCES
(February 20 - March 20)
A budding relationship with a sultry tree surgeon could expire on
the vine. Smile ... yellow is in vogue this year! Learn to deal with
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Dog-friendly fireworks July 4th through September
4 in Boulder. Low audio, muted explosions of color
guaranteed not to upset canines, fish or livestock. Free
tickets to CU football for first 10,000 through the gate
at Folsom Field. Show begins at dark.
Clean up technician needed for Stick Horse Rodeo
and assorted events in Lake City this summer. Apply
before August 10. No dopers
Lost your touch over the winter? We are now
accepting new students for summer seminars. Get
back in the swing today! Don’t back down. National
Fly Swatters Association.
Now you can live at Wal-Mart - one and two
bedroom condos to lease. Turn over your social
security checks! Exclusive benefits. First on sales.
Shop in your bathrobe most mornings, pre-screen
new Chinese items. Win a trip to China in 2014. See
details in store.
Need subcontractor with about 2000 wicker baskets to
change society. Seasonal work. Contact Guillotine the
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Wanted: Bullet-proof cowpunchers for lightning
experiments in San Juans this summer. Daily
wages, insufficient insurance, food allowance. Send
particulars to Light Up My Life Productions, Ophir.
Final Warning: Anyone caught with
a Christmas tree still up after
September 1 will be punished - E.
Scrooge, Dogbreath Village.
MEL’S MEATS is looking for a
responsible cleaning person for
busy slaughterhouse operation. No
Communists. The job is quite easy
since Mel’s Meats has no windows
or stairs. We are part of the “new
jobs” hierarchy and pay minimum
wage with no benefits. We have no
maternity leave or daycare either.
Vegetarian preferred. Come around to
the back door before noon weekdays.
Going out of business sale now in progress at the
Ottoman Empire Wholesale Furniture Outlet in
Wimpton. Don’t miss such great deals as the Caspian
Sea lounger, Baku nomadic curtains, Bosnian end
tables plus an assortment of displaced tribes and
Gypsy book cases. I-25 at the Abyss Turnoff.
Hemlock’s Liver cleaner $9.99 while supplies last at
Epsom’s Wines and Minerals.
Will purchase Ramblin’ Jack Elliot
instrumentals for market price. Call
Ramblin’ Jack Elliot at Talagi’s in
Boulder.
Get your very own Akpatok Mink
Coat before the species is totally
extinct! That’s correct! A beautiful
Akpatok Mink from the shores of
Ungava Bay. $6500 plus postage. Also
baby seal serapes, gorilla hand ash
trays, ivory cigarette holders and
more. Scum Importers, Cape Chidley,
Newfoundland. “Where Western
European traditions are alive”.
Write off your daily constitutional as a business
expense? It’s easy with ABC Accounting. Dial 4.
Confederate Naval Operations seeks admiral. Former
Merchant Marine personnel need apply. Write
Jefferson Davis Trust in Mississippi and receive free
of charge: How I captured the entire Yankee army on
my Natchez sleeping porch in 1862.
Are Al’s Gourmet Fish Sticks really that good? - Find
out for yourself every third Tuesday of the second
month after the wind stops. Al’s Backhoe offices in
Crested Butte.
I love to stand up in moving craft. Wanted: Awkward,
fat woman with nice boat. Self-worth not important.
Sandwich making ability important. Mack the Hack,
Sapinero.
Notable June Migrations: Ducks (June 13 - 19),
marmots (June 12), Eels (date unknown), politicians
(365 days) cantaloupes (June 30 - July 5), cattle (June
27 - 30), black helicopters (unmarked), tourists (June
12 - August 31). Source: Federal Observatory.
Make money drawing perverted cartoons for the
federal government. Send example of your work to
the Unwed Mother’s of the American Revolution, c/o
Congressional Page Lounge, Washington, DC.
Disenchanted public servants! Get a leg up on a new
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are looking for the right kind of man or woman to
join our growing family. Positions include utility
enforcement, intimidation clerk, bag personnel,
numbers engineer. We have a great working
environment and the perfect retirement package. See
Armando under the Tomichi Street Viaduct or Sal in
front of the Lake City Post Office any day at noon.
Wear a red carnation and whistle your favorite Sinatra
tune. We will initiate primary contact. Why bog down
in a career where you are not appreciated. Do it today.
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S K Y B E A M
Some small towns in Colombia
Sunday in Sabaneta
Having traveled all over the continent of South
America for the past ten years I had yet to set foot in
Colombia. All the bad press, the drug cartels, the war
may have made it easier to spend an extra month in
Ecuador or more time on the beach in Bahia.
“Anytime someone in your country snorts
cocaine he is making it that much more difficult for a
Colombian peasant to keep his land,” said my friend
Andres, a museum curator in Antioquia. “If the land
supports a coca crop it is now valuable. At first the
farmer sees what the coca will bring compared to
corn or beans. The money is better and the work less
demanding. If he now grows coca to survive he is
subject to soldiers, police, guerrillas, and militants
of all types who will sooner of latter, one way or the
other displace him. He ends up in the ring of poverty
that surrounds Bogota, Medellin or Cali. Cocaine, like
coffee, is grown for export. Drink the coffee.”
In six weeks traveling around Colombia I never
saw cocaine (and I stay out late for an old guy) which
tends to make me wonder if the consumption problem
is on the streets of the Bronx and not Bogota. Simple:
If there was no demand in the U.S. there would be
little cocaine processed in Colombia and life might
return back to normal for millions of campesinos
attempting to eek out an existence on their farms.
Those who suffer the cold-blooded brutality of it all
are the poor, who are once again the rooted pawns of
mobile violence.
The United States pays Colombia to eradicate coca
instead of facing up to fixing the dysfunctional/drug
craving society we have created up Nawth. Nice work
with your War on Drugs, Uncle Sam.
I guess I was just saving Colombia for last.
After a few days roaming around the streets of
La Candelaria in Bogota (pop. 8,000,000) I flew to
Cartagena (pretty big too) on the Caribbean Coast,
hot as a wet branding iron to this mountain dweller.
Despite its worldly reputation as a historically
significant locale, Cartagena is a crowded, ignorant,
contrived city with some old Spanish walls around
part of it. The cops are crooked, the traffic mindless,
and the beaches dirty. Sometimes it was difficult to
separate the business owners from the prostitutes that
graze the streets just after dusk.
And then there are the wham-bam cruise lines
denizened by sun-burned gobblers, bulging in
the pocketbooks about to depart for this must see
The sign says it all in
downtown Minca
Disneyland of hawkers and assorted criminals. It’s
surprising that they don’t all get robbed! Piggies
to market. I would prefer spending the weekend in
Fresno or Gillette.
Is Cartagena safe? Sure if you are in an expensive
tourist compound with guards and a fortified gate. As
a good friend put it, “Here if I have to get up in the
middle of the night in my hotel to pee I take a taxi to
the bathroom.”
But a church bell Sunday morning arose and with
it a bus for Santa Marta, the oldest surviving city in
South America, five hours along the Caribbean Sea to
the east and north.
Upon arrival it became clear that this was not
Cartagena. The people were different. They are
slower moving and friendly. It’s smaller (yet a big
city) and surrounded by world-class beaches albeit
with world-class mosquitos. The city is emerging with
great restaurants, pleasant plazas and is projecting a
stronger African culture.
Our hotel sat adjacent to two baraca bars that
blasted Carranga and Vallenato mixed with Cumbia
and Tango (Carlos Gardel “El Zorzal” died in a
plane crash in Medellin in 1935) from morning until
late at night. The municipal cemetery, often the
laughable source of “dying grandpa” directions with
cab drivers, provided green space but little relief
from the pounding tropical heat. Simon Bolivar died
here in Santa Marta in 1830 (“The biggest fools in
history were Jesus Christ, Don Quixote and me”) and
although I have yet to find his headstone I ran across
some rum-soaked Venezuelan pirates who insisted
they had drank with him only last night. Several
graves in this boneyard date back to 1530.
One soon realizes that Santa Marta is real nice.
Just look around at all the bakeries and coffee houses.
A great hotel near the nightlife is Hotel Aluna, run by
two brothers from Dublin. Another is the Hotel San
Miguel Imperial which is front row (with cemetery
view from the roof) for the beer-driven shenanigans of
the neighborhood. My old bud from high school and I
regularly sampled famous Santa Marta product while
listening to Boyaca’ tunes from that very roof after the
bars closed.
On the perfectly located pedestrian mall just south
of Parque de los Novios (Boyfriend’s Park) are El
Bistro which serves an incredible filet mignon for
about $12, Bonnie and Clyde Bar (Ask for Juanita
and Charley), La Muzzeria, to the east in skinny
restaurant alley, a well anointed Galician pizzeria with
a splendid selection of music on its big screen. Beers
will run you about $2 in the nicer spots. So you won’t
have to take out a loan…
But it is hot and the mountains are cooler
One morning I jumped into a tightly packed
collectivo (Get to know your fellow man) and headed
up into the Sierra Nevada de Santa Marta, the largest
coastal range in the world with Pico Colon and Pico
View from the
plaza in Jardin
Renown Colombian
painter, Alvaro Fernandez
with new work
Bolivar cresting out at 18,000 feet. Both
peaks are crowned in year-round snow
but almost impossible to view (so how
do they know they are really there?) due
to the extremes in weather and elevation.
There are few real roads, but a number
of tour company treks, beyond Minca,
into these rugged mountains, which are
inhabited by other world Wayuu, Kogi,
Arhucho people. They have been paying
attention and do not welcome visitors.
Then they drop you in downtown
Minca. It’s still tropical but it is
surrounded by high mountains. It takes
about 20 minutes to explore the main
street. There are lots of great places to
sit down and watch everything. My hotel
costs $12. All the beer is cold. This is going to be fine.
There I met John Lundin, who wrote The New
Mandala with the Dali Lama, and is doing a new
book called Journey to the Heart of the World which
talks about these local indigenous people and their
threatened way of life.
Minca is a coffee-growing region with smart
people, refreshing waterfalls, exceptional restaurants
and a year-round climate somewhat cooler than
Santa Marta. According to my host there is a strong
Dominican influence here since people from that
island arrived in the early 1900s to work in the coffee
industry. Hikes to Cascada Mirinca and Pozo Azul are
steep but not too taxing, especially with cool pools
at the end of the trail. Coffee farms dot the landscape
and sell organic roasts, bottled water
and kickshaw to passersby. Did I
mention the zancudos? The no-see-’ems
are a little rough at first. The locals use
citronella in one form or the other and it
works after a baptism of fire of bites the
first afternoon.
For nothing fancy, low priced digs
I recommend Hospedaje Villa Silva
($12) right in the middle of town. Patio,
hammocks, great hosts, and clean. (OK,
so if you moved the bed and dresser
out the door you could easily hose the
place out). For a more uptown stay
Bandeja Paisas the traditional dish
try the Hotel Minca which is rather
in Antioquia and Quindio
incredible if you like to watch birds.*
Pablo Escobar once lived in the hills above town.
The patio alone is worth the room tariff
Restaurants on the plaza offer trucha (fresh trout) and
which is around $50 per couple but they are talking
regional dishes. David Mullings, from Elk Meadows,
about raising the prices to $60 for two. In Colorado
and I wandered into El Fogato together but after an
or Northern New Mexico one would pay $250 for a
hour had plenty of company at the table. Even the
similar stay.
guy selling watches bought us a beer. Our waiter, now
Several excellent restaurants include Restaurante
off for a few hours hung out and we told him about
La Cocina D’Rochi, Cafe Sierra and Pizzas Chiqui
Western Colorado. Then we went to Sabaneta for a
proper cocktail hour.
The plaza in Sabaneta is a spectacle to behold.
Anything any Norte loves about Latin America is
right there. Grandmas with granddaughters walking
them about, kids with balloons, young lovers, rain,
dogs, food stalls, loud music, “Where journalists are
honored and clowns revered.” These are the Paisas
(residents of Antioquia) that I have been hearing
about. We buy a small bottle of rum and the liquor
store owner insists we sit in his chairs out front. I give
a kid a Kennedy half dollar coin and his grandmother
kisses me on the cheek.
But like everywhere in Colombia don’t step into
the street without looking. There may be speed bumps
all over but there are at least three cemeteries in town
according to our rum chair benefactor.
Three hours by bus from Medellin is Guatape
The green Colombian
(Wa-ta-pay). Pleasant gentle country awaits the
mountains
visitor on the ride into the mountains. A bit cookie
cutter but the tourists from Medellin flock there on
across from Villa Silva. The original house where
weekends. Part of the town sits on a reservoir which
D’Rochi now stands was accidentally burned down
was quite dry in March while the main plaza is a few
by FARC guerrillas who attacked the regional police
blocks up featuring the typical arrangement of hotels,
station in 1995. (Bad maps?) It has been rebuilt and
the river views are incredible. Warning: Buy your take restaurants, bars, bakeries and an enormous Catholic
church in the middle of it all. Try Salon Kennedy, a
out beer early since a lot of the tiendas close around
nice bar named for John F. Kennedy, in the shadow of
7 and you certainly don’t want to be swinging from
limb to limb like a howler monkey fresh out of mango the steeples.
A Typical Antioquia breakfast (desayuno tipico):
trees.
Hot
chocolate, cheese, arepa (corn pancake grilled on
Primavera in Cherry Creek
coals),
scrambled eggs with ham and tomato, fresh
The airport at Medellin is way the hell up there and
avocado
slice, juice of the day and coffee cost about
the ride to Poblado, a suburb on the east side of the
$3.00
city, takes almost an hour. Hills and big houses make
The waiter at breakfast called me “Patron”, a
up this neighborhood that could easily be dropped
subtle reminder that this part of Colombia remains
into Miami or even Denver. It’s got a bad mix of
refreshingly primitive and extremely Spanish.
wealthy gringos (who don’t seem to bother to learn
Andalusian hooves on cobblestone
Spanish) and rich Colombians who only talk to God
Heading south and west of Medellin into more
and their broker. But there is relief. After a mandatory
green mountains one arrives at Jardin, where poets
afternoon sentence in El Centro (Medellin’s Tijuana)
are held in higher regard than bankers, and horses are
one can take the bus to the pleasant towns of
more important than cars. A small town by Colombian
Envigado and Sabateta.
standards, Jardin sits at about 6000 feet with 3,000
Gritty Envigado is the real deal. Cocaine kingpin,
population and the aroma of coffee everywhere. This
is the prize I have been searching for---the true heart
of Colombia.
The town of Jardin surrounds a beautiful plaza
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and bars. The neighborhoods spurting in all directions
are full of flowers and brightly painted abodes. The
classical music resounding on Sunday morning is
magnificent and so very civilized.
On Sunday Andalusia horses and vaqueros make
the plaza their own. I watch with my coffee as a threeyear-old girl rides about under watchful eyes of father
and grandfather who carefully choreograph the scene.
And for Sunday lunch try La Posada upstairs, the
best of the hordes of tempting restaurants spiraling
from the plaza. Distinct Colombian kitchens boom
where heavy-handed health inspectors are replaced by
family pride. (Only got sick once, and that was from
the American Airlines food on the return flight.)
Besides the quality of life, Jardin is a screaming
Salento from up above
deal. A lovely apartment at the Hotel Jardin costs
50,000 COP (about $28) per night while a bright
room with balcony at Hotel Balcones del Parque runs
25,000 COP ($14). This part of Antioquia is not on the
Gringo Trail, at least as of May.
After a week I was not ready to leave but time
was running short. A bus to Armenia (5 hours) and
a shuttle up the mountain to Salento (7000 feet) was
next. Another little paradise, this exquisite Quindio
town features eternal spring, no bugs, green hills and
a great downtown which wraps around the high plaza.
NUTS, GRAINS AND
HERBS IN BULK
Coffee farmers hang out in the morning at various
locales and are much more interesting to talk to than
the tourists who fill the place on weekends. The town
is full of characters and tolerance but bring pesos as
both banks are not particularly accommodating and
basically oblivious to travelers.
This is the place to eat Bandejas Paisas (the local
favorite) and wash it down with a Costena Beer.
Listen to the Cumbia, the Salsa and the Tango all
mixed up at Bar Danubio, where Toole fell off his
stool (damn the metric system). This pool hall/bar has
been run by the Foaiza-Tabares family for 60 years
and is now operated by son Jairo who has the third
largest mustache in Colombia and parts of northern
Ecuador. His dad. Ernesto, 91, stops in several times a
day to make sure things are running smoothly.
A shoeshine man with severely deformed feet
sells me on a shine for 75 cents and I throw in a cup
of coffee as a tip. My Colombian friends tell me I’ve
paid too much.
Up country from Salento is the town of Cocora at
the mouth of the jaw dropping (and I live in the San
Juans) Valle de Cocora. I won’t attempt to describe it
in words and it was often far too rainy to take a good
photo, so you’ll just have to go there yourself. A jeep
will take you there for $2 and you might never want
to return.
My hotel, Los Geranios, was 20,000 COP. Quiet
and family-run with a beautiful garden, 4 blocks from
center. Salento is a gem but one must speak Spanish
to interact with the populace and fully enjoy the
ongoing fiesta that is life in these hills.
Chocolate rivers swirl in coffee lands.
Hanging wax palms on misty hills,
and minty mountains.
Little red and whitewashed cottages pop
the landscape in jungles vibrant.
Morning’s machete mustached men
stretch legs in the sun,
that bright star paying daily tribute
to this green, magic land.
- Kevin Haley
*as truth would have it Minca is ranked among the
top five places to bird watch on the planet. Everyone
has bird guide books and mobs of experts roam those
hills in the dry season. Again, it makes sense to me
that Colombians enjoy a kinship with birds. They too
make lots of noise.
“When you’re courting a nice girl an hour seems
like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a
second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
- Albert Einstein
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(970)626-4099
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555 S.CaminoDelRio
(970)247-2190

here - San Juan Horseshoe

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