- University of Windsor

features
14
the oyez’s guide to
18 sls survivor
20
is niiice!!!! borat
takes a tour of
windsor law
26 see where
the law III’s
are mailing it
in from!
30
Part 2 - First Man Down!
22
28
exchange student
speaks again
unconventional advice:
“dear navy seal”
plagiarized (with citations) from the law I blog Those were the days … by sean k
departments
3
editoria
5
all the fake news that’s fit to print
8
dear mary <new this year!>
11
barbs and jabs
12
diversions
24
head to head
25
the MSN chat session of the month
32
the last word
...next semester
I SWEAR I’m going
to class...
the oyez | contents | 1
our mission
The Oyez is a magazine by law students for law students in the finest tradition of satire
and critique. As the only intentionally funny thing about law school, The Oyez isn’t
afraid to show just how ridiculous the law and the school experience can be. We aim to
please, and are pleased to take aim. Also available online and in technicolour at
www.uwindsor.ca/theoyez.
submissions
The Oyez welcomes all student submissions, though it reserves the right not to print anything banal, offensive, un-funny or below our entirely subjective B curve. Drop any work,
tips, hints, news, gossip or otherwise interesting tidbits at [email protected] sometime before any one of our four issues in September, November, January, and March.
tenured faculty
Aaron Collins — Paloma Ellard
sessional
Nicole Corriero — Fred Gerra — Sean Kumar — Mark Loya — Jennifer Lum
Graham MacLeod — Shaun Miller — Jay Rivait — Dave Smith — Mik Vasarais — Mike Vogel
6 months
and counting...
and counting...
I received Aaron’s second email asking for my two page contribution
to Oyez-dom and it was in that precise moment I realized I had
absolutely nothing to write about—or at least I had nothing law
related to write about. That is not to say I am not doing any law
school related things, contrary to popular opinion I am “studying”
in Amsterdam, rather I think it is because after all the years of
moaning about school, I have realized that in less than six months I
will be done.
Finito.
I suppose I realize now that this student
lifestyle that I so readily scorned in the past—it ain’t so bad. It
will almost certainly be better than spending 16 hours a day in a
box I will call my office.
I mean, sure you’re all probably
studying that much now a month before the exam, feverishly doing the
readings you’ve neglected all semester, wondering how you’re going
to get it all done, wondering when it will just end… but sincerely,
we have to make the most of these days. That’s not to say you need
to go out and do something silly like apply to grad school! No, it
just means that for one third of this school in six short months the
“not-so-fun” will really begin.
So take a break, put down that
textbook an hour earlier tonight and go out for a beer with friends.
Discuss the wisdom of what that Paloma girl said and enjoy life a
little while you can. Or just go have a beer.
jingle bells,
Jingle bell...
No, that’s not the sound of any partisan holiday carolers singing
through the streets of Windsor. It’s the sound, to paraphrase a
guy in the fantasy football pool, of “the bell tolling for thee”.
That’s right it’s exam and paper time again. Time to saddle up,
steal some notes and crack the books. I was thinking about how
I can’t wait to be free from writing exams at this time next
year, and how the holiday season would be glorious once again,
like the days of yesteryear. That was until someone pointed out
I’ll probably be slaving away in due diligence purgatory through
the holidays while articling next year. So I guess my dreams of
the “Christmas of Collins” will have to be put on hold until some
other year, like when I retire. But I digress.
Anyway, to help you through what is sure to be
the oyez crew has put together a supersized
with plenty of procrastination goodness. My
everyone who contributed. Your work is,
appreciated. Good luck on exams everyone,
holiday.
many a long night
issue, jam packed
thanks go out to
as always, much
and have a good
the oyez | editoria | 3
Student Uproar
Over Free Pizza
T
he
Student
Disability
Office put on a seminar
earlier this month to inform
students of the Office’s
role in helping students
write
exams
on
a
level
playing field.
The seminar
was well attended, partly
because
of
the
highly
sensitive
subject
matter,
and partly because of the
free pizza that was offered
for lunch.
In what the administration
is calling “the clearest
example that students will
complain
about
anything”,
controversy erupted as SLS
VP Finance Faran Umar-Khitab
ate 1 ½ times the pizza as
everyone else who attended
the seminar.
Apparently
Umar-Khitab
Umar-Khitab
suffers
from
hyperphagia, a
s y m p t o m
characterized
by
excessive
hunger
and
solid
food
intake.
“One-and-ahalf is just a
starting point,” said UmarKhitab
brandishing
a
doctor’s note, including a
signature
from
the
University clinic. “I go see
these dudes every semester
and we modify my special
eats
accommodation
plan.
Sometimes
I
need
double
food, sometimes one-and-a-
third. Sometimes I just need
a quiet place to eat.”
Prior to the forum, rumours
had spread throughout campus
that Umar-Khitab and Dean
Bruce Elman had pooled law
school and SLS funds to
finance
secret
elaborate
feasts. Further allegations
implicated the two in using
the recent Breakfast with
Bruce as a ruse to funnel
food into their respective
offices.
Associate Dean Mary Gold
told the Oyez that while she
couldn’t
discuss
specific
cases, nutrition is a human
right and Windsor Law must
provide food.
Sources
say
Umar-Khitab’s
condition has worsened. He
was
recently
spotted
ordering a second fried egg
atop his Ferrary’s poutine.
Supreme Court
Drops Briefs
A
ccording
to
Nancy
Tiemann,
the
tour
operator of Bare Necessities
cruise line, “at least one”
Supreme Court Justice peeled
off his or her Santa Claus
suit as a member of one of
the
operator’s
38
nude
cruises.
The article, published in
the San Francisco Chronicle,
did
not
detail
which
esteemed
judge(s)
dropped
the legal briefs for the
distinguished comfort of the
birthday suit. However, in
an
exclusive,
anonymous
interview the Oyez was able
to discuss the judge nude
cruising it up.
Apparently
t
h
e
motivating
factor
was
last year’s
Law Games.
“I went to
law
games
last
year
You will never un-see
a
n
d
Justice Fish in that
thought…
pose. Your welcome. =)
man I miss
that kind of freedom. When I
was bored one day in the
office I decided to cruise
the web for vacations that
weren’t
exactly
‘normal’.
This was what I came up
with.”
When asked about whether
they thought this was an
appropriate vacation for a
someone
charged
with
deciphering
what
the
community
standard
of
tolerance is for the whole
country,
the
conversation
took a different tone.
“What,
you
think
just
because I wanna sing some
Jon Bon Jovi songs at naked
karaoke I can’t judge what’s
right or wrong for this
country? Man for a reporter
making up news you’re sure
closed minded. Goodbye.”
Further phone calls were not
returned.
(Continued on next page)
the oyez | fake news | 5
Lexpert’s “Bottom
40 Under 40”
I
The Bottom 40 List is due to much better for him than
be out early in the new year. teaching estates.” Professor
Pillay said. “We all thought
that his bright yellow top
was an eyesore, but I guess
he made us look like fools.”
Ocheje to Model for
Old Navy
n a controversial move
that is sure to garner a
lot of attention from the
legal community, Lexpert has
decided to augment its annual
In a surprise move, clothing
“Top 40 Under 40”.
retailer Old Navy held a
The new list, tentatively press conference yesterday to
that
Prof.
Paul
titled the “Bottom 40 Under announce
would
be
the
new
40” will feature the worst Ocheje
legal practioners under 40 spokesperson for the spring
line of Performance Fleece.
years of age.
Ocheje,
a
long
time
A c c o r d i n g aficionado of the performance
to Lexpert, fleece line, was described as
the
new elated, yet dignified. The
f e a t u r e move
caught
the
fashion
will
run industry
by
surprise,
as
once
per Ocheje beat out high rollers
year
and
J e s s i c a
focus
on
S i m p s o n ,
Potential Bottom 40 Unf i n d i n g
Charlie Brown,
der 40 Candidate.
lawyers who
and Isaac from
are
young,
stupid
and
the Love Boat
incompetent.
for
the
position.
“We
really
wanted
to
highlight
the
worst
the
While
the
profession has to offer, and
details of the
we couldn’t think of a better
ad
campaign
way to do it” Lexpert staff Give it to me baby! w e r e
not
said in a phone call.
disclosed,
it
Give me fleece!
was speculated
While the criteria are yet that
the
first
wave
of
undetermined a source close commercials
would
have
a
to Lexpert has said that, feudal theme.
“like
all
the
magazine’s
rankings, this list will be “We’ve used Ocheje in our
totally subjective and based fall 2004 catalogue, it was
mostly
on
a d v e r t i s i n g brilliant, genius,” Old Navy
revenue”.
PR rep Janine Turner said.
“The way he brought out the
Speakers committee head Ian yellow in that top, it was
Matthews went on record as like
the
sun
itself
was
saying “if a Windsor grad plucked from the heavens.”
makes it on the list, we’d
love to have him as a guest, While Ocheje was unavailable
it’s not every day you get for comment, his professional
the opportunity learn how to colleagues did not hesitate
flush your career down the to express their support and
toilet from the best in the admiration for his success.
business”.
“I’m glad to see he’s doing
what he loves, this is so
the oyez | fake news | 6
Construction
Planned to Finish
Sometime 2016
The
construction
in
the
boiler room that has been
taking
place
since
early
summer
has
showed
no
signs
of
slowing
down
lately.
The
Oyez
has
learned
that
the
official
t i m e l i n e
calls
for Workers build the
work
to
be school’s “green roof”.
completed
on
or about March 5, 2016.
The timeline also sets out
firm target dates for the
return
of
heat
to
the
building. Full heat should be
restored by April 2010 to the
Moot Court. The rest of the
school
will
follow
in
a
phased in approach.
According to sources in the
G.O., the official School
Policy
of
“heat
in
the
summer, air conditioning in
the winter” will be adhered
to as “best as is possible”
over
the
course
of
the
construction.
Administration had no formal
comment, but did acknowledge
that the construction was a
project that would be passed
on for generations.
Rock Bottom
Complains
A complaint was filed by Rock
Bottom staff that Windsor law
students have been behaving
inappropriately
while
attending the infamous bar.
student whom everyone knows.
The bar has issued a plea to
faculty
to
inform
the
students of the disobedient
behaviour
and
to
demand
action.
This
plea
was
summarily
rejected
per
a
motion
during
the
last
faculty council meeting.
add a new wing to the law
school with the fresh bricks.
The
love
of
everything
Socratic came the Wednesday
morning after Halloween.
At
8:30am,
Prof.
Riley
was
receiving b.s. answers from
her still drunk students.
By
9am
however,
she
was
grilling students for the
answers. “How was I supposed
to know that she’d drill us
like that for answers?!”,
sore
students
were
heard
exclaiming leaving the Moot
The
next
faculty
council Court.
meeting will be called upon
to vote on the additions of “She kept on asking for seven
new provisions to the student minutes even though she knew
code of conduct which reads I didn’t know the answer!”,
“anyone who brings us beer students typed furiously over
shall be heralded unto like a MSN.
god”.
Not one student was allowed
Flipping off your server will no longer be
to get away with b.s. Prof.
tolerated at Rock Bottom.
Riley went up and down every
row riding each ass until it
Alleged infractions include
Real
Estate
produced quality material.
drunken
vulgarity,
drunken
profanity, and the flagrant
Students Create Students who missed the first
misuse of chicken wings as
day of brick sh*tting were
airborne
projectiles.
The
New
School
Wing
the following Monday as Prof.
staff alleges that the law
Riley singled out each and
students
are
consistently
every student who had skipped
rude and unappreciative of
her post-Halloween class.
Cook Jenkins’ food, when the
Prof. Riley’s Real Estate
poor guy tries his best,
students were sh*tting so Apparently,
used
to
the
dammit.
many bricks the week after Socratic Method, the row of
that
m o r e JD/LLB students were not as
While this complaint came as H a l l o w e e n
construction
is
slated
for s h a k e n
as
their
LLB
a
surprise
to
many
law
the
Law
School.
This
came
in
counterparts.
students, others admitted to
response to Prof. Riley’s
have seen it coming.
surprise Socratic enthusiasm Construction for the new wing
of the Law School is slated
“It’s really no big shock. I for The Planning Act.
to begin around 2011 and
mean, how many times can you
finish in 2095.◊
short-change a waitress or
miss the toilet before they
get upset?” an anonymous Law
I student said.
A word from our sponsor:
“I’ve been drinking there for
years. It’s my right to vomit
where I please,” Said one
professor
who
wished
to
remain anonymous.
Others
were
u n d e r s t an d i n g
of
behaviour.
less
their
“I may have said things about
the
waitresses
mothers
a
couple of times, but I assure
you
it
was
probably
in
context.”
said
a
Law
II
The by-product of the Socratic Method in
Real Estate Class.
Ever-resourceful with crap,
the law school has decided to
the oyez | fake news | 7
Dear Rachel,
I have to speak with
legal counsel before I
can provide you with
that information.
All the best,
M. Gold.
Dear Larry,
Thank-you
for
your
concern.
When I returned to the Admin
offices famished, exhausted, and
overwhelmed, Dean Elman not only
gave me a big bear hug, but he
also
gave
me
a
slice
of
pepperoni
from
the
office’s
stash. He also gave me a can of
Diet Coke to wash the pizza, and
all of the emotions, down.
Best,
M. Gold
the oyez | dear mary gold | 8
Dear Dude,
I have to speak with legal
counsel before I can provide you
with that information.
All the best,
M. Gold.
Dear Britney,
via cell
phone:
Dear Mary,
Got a few q’s about the
air-tightenedness of my
pre-nup agreement. Can
we go over this?
Tee hee, thanks!
Britney
Since I have had no family law
experience (excluding dealing with
crying law I’s), please seek the
counsel of Justice Phillips or any
one of his Family Law students.
Prenuptial
agreements
were
discussed on September 29th. This
will be on or around Page 378 of
Sunny’s notes.
M. Gold.
P.S
Saw you on Letterman
Daaaaaaammmmmmn!
girl!
Dear Prof. Conklin,
I
am
only
authorized
provide you with a raise.
to
Happy Holidays,
M. Gold.
Got a problem?
Think Associate Dean Gold can
help?
Email us at [email protected]
and we’ll make up her answer!
the oyez | dear mary gold | 9
F
or some time, corporate
law has been thought of
as dry and boring and the
domain of boring and dry
people. Partnerships, the CBCA,
the
OBCA,
Oppression
Remedy,
Shareholder
Proposals?
BORING!
However, in an effort to attract
the
MuchMusic
Generation,
it
appears that:
Ed. Notes: 1) This is the actual cover for the
book. We couldn’t make this stuff up; and 2) Thanks
to oyez alum Alex Procope for sending it in.
MISSING
Toilet Find Canada Profile
Name:
3rd Sh*tter from
the right.
Date of Birth:
ca. September 1, 1968
Missing Since:
September 1, 2006
Missing From:
Men’s Bathroom,
University of Windsor
Faculty of Law
Description:
Porcelain, White, 24”
Tall, 24 lbs.
Cash reward for information leading to
the recovery of this beloved toilet.
the oyez | barbs and jabs | 11
L
aw I Mark Loya graciously gave us permission to
reproduce some of his original cartoons! (making
him the first person we have EVER asked for permission to reproduce anything). Enjoy:
Pop Quiz:
S
o you’ve written the LRW Mid-term, but can
you pass the Oyez’s ultra-tough citation
review? Tell us which of these citations is
correct and write a 35 page memo outlining
the finer points of law in the cases listed and
we’ll give you a 0.015% bonus* in legal writing...
(a) LRW Student v. LRW Professor, (1994) 16
Teaching Citations Annually 123, Ont. C.A.
rev’g 1 B.S. Reporter 32, (Ont. Div. Ct.).
(c) Tanovich v. Toronto Police Services, [2002]
Judicial Notice Quarterly 234 (Ont. Moot
Court).
(b) Bitter Law I v. B Curve, [2006] 2 S.C.R.
342, aff’g 2 Windsor Yearbook of A2J 58
(Ont. C.A.).
(d) Me v. Citations (2006), 4 I Should Have
Gone to Teacher’s College Monthly 95 (Ont.
Div. Ct.).
Answer: We haven’t got a freakin’ clue. Nor does any judge or lawyer on the planet.
*Bonus will not count towards your final mark. Or any mark for that matter.
the oyez | diversions | 12
The Oyez Caption Contest
Everyone knows how
picture below and
match. Email your
these things work. Check out the
think of the funniest caption to
best entry to [email protected].
We’ll
print
the
funniest
one
next
issue!
Sample Caption:
“Surprisingly, The
Hot ‘n’ Now booth
at OCI’s was pretty
popular.”
F
acebook-Mania has taken over Windsor Law like Hurricane Andrew. E-mail inboxes have been flooded
with requests for friendships.
Scandalous pictures uploaded and viewed.
Pokes flying at all
directions. There’s a new kid in town, commanding everyone’s attention and it looks like he’ll be
around for a while.
Some people still don’t know what I am talking about.
They obviously: a) Are unfamiliar with the
Internet, Interweb, etc; b) Are among the dying breed of students refusing to bring their computers to
class; or c) Have been living under a rock, on exchange in Tuninsia or have taken a vow to cease all
communications with other Windsor Law students for the past 3 months.
For those who are unfamiliar with Facebook.com, those vaguely familiar but still Facebook-virgins, and
the Facebook-whores who actually on the page right now, we present to you: “Facebook For Dummies: The
Guide to a Stalker’s Paradise”, complete with samples from the Associate Dean’s profile.
Step 1: get your foot in the door
HOW DO I JOIN?
If you have e-mail, you can
join. Back in the old days, one
required a valid school e-mail
address to join. But just like
someone who has spent over 6
months in the Windsor bar
scene, it lowered it’s standards
and pretty much admits anyone. This has certainly upped
its creepiness-level to R. Kelly
status, but users should take
solace in the fact that it is still
not at the “Michael Jackson” level of creepiness that
MySpace.com has reached.
WHAT IS THE FACEBOOK?
The Facebook, found at http://
www.facebook.com is a
“networking site” for “people”
of various “networks” to
“network” with “each other.”
Networking is obviously code
for “stalk” and “people” includes
pretty much everyone from your
best friend, to the girl you liked
in High School, and of course, to
that kid in your class who you
say hi to, and had a heart-toheart with at Rock Bottom last
weekend, but for the life of you,
you can’t remember his name.
Step 2: what kind of picture should i post?
A picture is worth 1000 words and on Facebook, this is no exception. No matter what you put up (or don’t
put up) you are making a statement to the Facebook community. So be sure to think it out carefully.
Here’s the message conveyed by some picture options:
No Picture: “I am too cool for Facebook and only joined out of boredom during Tax, when that girl in the
front row literally brought her tax returns for the professor to fill out.” *Eventually, the No Picture people
degenerate into one of the categories described below.
The Action Shot: “Yes, I am now an out-of-shape, krispy-kreme eating, stressed out workaholic, but I
swear, at one time I was a chiseled, protein-shake drinking, whole-wheat pasta eating, physical specimen
with “The Beach is That Way” arms and a 30-inch vertical jump.”
The “Drunk” Shot: “I like to party hardcore once a year and orchestrate a shot of me doing something
badass like funneling beer or doing a kegstand so that people think I’m a rager instead of the gunner that I
really am”
Which shot is this?
The “Glam” Shot: “I spent 5 hours in a salon getting my hair and make-up done, so dammit you WILL
admire how good I look, and even if I will never look this good again, someone’s got to remember.”
The “Show-off” Shot: “I want the world to know how interesting, daring, spontaneous and fun I am. So I am posting this 5-year-old
picture of me with that [now washed-up] celebrity* who was the closest thing to stardom I will ever get to.”
the oyez | the ultimate facebook guide | 14
Step 3: too much information can hurt you
This section is used as a screening tool by viewers to see if you’re psychotic.
Therefore, the less info you put the better. Otherwise people will know how
much of a nerd you really are. As for any information you do put in...LIE. If
your favorite TV show is Teletubbies, put Grey’s Anatomy. If your favorite
movie is Gigli, put Godfather. No one actually cares what you are really
interested in anyways.
Step 4: get friendly
Having a lot of friends can mean you’re
popular. Or that you’re a loser who
spends all day asking people to be your
facebook friend rather than actually
hanging out with them in person. So its
a lose-lose situation.
Step 5: poking
Deciphering the meaning of a poke is as
hopeless as trying to understand what
body hair has to do with Property law.
So why should we try? Just poke it!
Some people are hesitant to ask others to
be their friend.
These people
are insecure.
Step 6: the mini feed - a window to your soul
The mini feed allows others to be kept
up to date on nearly every waking
moment of your life, providing such
information as when you post on
someone’s wall, when you break up with
your boyfriend, and when you don’t
flush the toilet in the Law Building (we
know who you are).
Step 8: educated? employed?
Education and Employment info is a way for you to brag
about where you went to school, and how good your job is.
The description field is your chance to lie and make
yourself sound important. (Tip: Make sure you follow the
trend of calling Windsor Law your “Grad School”, even
though you’re getting an undergrad degree.)
Step 9: be a groupie
Belonging to lots of
Groups shows people
that you are more
popular than them. It’s
like taking friendships
to the next level.
Anyone can randomly
get everyone from their
ex in high school to
their
favourite
undergrad prof as a
friend, but it takes a
whole new level of
popularity to be a
groupie.
Continued on next page...
the oyez | the ultimate facebook guide| 15
Step 10: another brick in the wall
Wall Comment quality is integral to a
good Facebook profile. The better the
comments on your wall, the cooler you
will appear to the “reasonable” facebook
user.
Wall topics that are a sure-fire hit:
• How drunk you got on Saturday
night [include references to the amount
of alcohol consumed, dance floor make
outs, any street signs stolen, and how you
woke up on the sidewalk outside of
Cheetah’s with your pants around your
ankles, spooning the guy who wears that
hat with feathers in it]
• Anything uttered by Ari Gold, Napoleon Dynamite, Ron Burgundy or
Frank the Tank
• A random quote/saying that appears
to be a hilarious inside joke [“My pants
smell like water!!!!!!!”]
Comments to AVOID at all costs:
• Personal conversations not meant for
the wall – [“Hey John, I heard about the
genital warts, bad deal dude!”]
• Useless, open ended questions [“Hey
what’s up”]
• Anything that indicates to people
just how much of a loser you actually
are. [“Dude, Star Trek Convention was
OFF THE HOOK!”]
Bonus Step: everything else!
As if that wasn’t enough don’t forget
to add photos, join other networks,
write notes, and keep up your status.
Using all the tools facebook has to
offer makes sure that everyone knows
just how cool you are. Plus it’s a great
procrastination tool when you’re
trying to do something frivolous like
write a memo or study for exams.
E
ssentially, your facebook profile is the ideal version of yourself.
On
facebook, you can be cool, witty, funny, adventurous, slutty, smart and
interesting – in other words – you can be anyone BUT yourself.
Take
advantage and use it to your fullest.
Manipulate people into thinking you’re
someone that you’re not. And don’t worry about them discovering the truth. After
all, they’re doing the same thing.◊
the oyez | the ultimate facebook guide | 16
the oyez | Why It’s Good to be an LLB | 17
By Shaun A. Miller
Survivor Part Deux! First Man Down!
The stage had been set the last time,
and it was time for round one to
begin. During the first round the
action was subdued, but the mood was
tense.
All the participants knew it
was only a matter of time before
someone was voted off the SLS.
The shaky alliance created along
racial lines had Faran Umar-Khitab
worried that he would be the first to
go and have to survive the taunts for
the rest of the year. From the outset
of Survivor SLS, it was apparent that
Faran would have to bring his A-game
if he were to outlast any of his
Caucasian counterparts in this new,
highly criticized format.
However, in unprecedented Survivor
action, Faran shocked the Windsor Law
Community with an
immunity win
earlier this afternoon.
Heading into this afternoon‘s immunity
challenge, the tight knit group of
Graham
MacLoed,
Warren Ross, and
Matt
Napier
e n v i s i o n e d
t h e m s e l v e s
reciting
their
f a v o u r i t e
passages from the
“Colour
of
Justice”
once
Graham and Faran before SLS
their game plan
Survivor tore their friendship
was
successful.
apart.
Unfortunately,
the legal version of kumbaya was not
too be.
the oyez | SLS Survivor | 18
The challenge was a
True or False quiz
based
on
various
legal
principles.
Once a question was
answer
incorrectly,
the participant was
eliminated from the
challenge until only
one
participant
remained.
The four
SLS
executives
flourished
in
the Graham and Warren,
first
five
rounds, during better times.
showing
their
extraordinary intellect in all areas
of law from easements to citations.
The shocking turn of events occurred
in the sixth and final round. A hush
fell over the pit when Graham, Matt
and Warren all answered ‘True’ to “The
oppression remedy is only applies to
federally incorporated companies.”
Faran was the
only executive
to
recognize
its usefulness
u n d e r
provincial
legislation as
well.
When
asked
to
comment on his
incorrect
c h o i c e , You guessed it… Graham and Napier
Macleod
was - clearly Graham had his bases
quoted as say, covered before getting into this.
“I
took
Business Associations with Weir, the
oppression remedy was in the second
chapter and we didn’t get that far.”
The vulnerability of the remaining three was too much for alliance to handle,
and Warren Ross immediately found himself on the periphery of his once strong
alliance.
In a last ditch effort, Warren approached Faran and proposed a plan to split to
vote and vote for Napier. Although plausible, this was ultimately too little
too late as Faran had sided with Macleod for what they called, “the Greater
Good.”
When asked to comment on the vote, the remaining three contestants had the
following to say:
Graham Macleod – “I have been worried about Warren’s health for the last few
days.
He weighed 220 lbs when we got here … he could be Skeletor’s stunt
double now. I voted him off because I care.”
Faran Umar-Khitab – “That’s the most votes Warren’s had since he came to
Windsor.”
Matt Napier – “Did you hear about the new children’s book I am writing? It’s
called A is for Adios, B is for Better luck next time.”◊
Who will be the next to go?
Tune in next Oyez to find out!
R
ecently Borat, star of the self-titled new movie and the interview everyone
wants, decided to tour Windsor Law to see if he could understand all things
Windsor. Mik and Mike decided to follow him, knowing full well that hilarity
would ensue. It started in the Dean’s Office...
Borat - Jagshemash. Hello, My name Borat Sagdiyev. I educate
in goat milking, making three plague, one kill four million goat,
and a photograph for women a make toilet. In Kazakhstan, for
sixty year we fight to get skool for law. Here at the University of
Windsor, they have one of top 14 law schools in all of Canadia.
Wowaweewa! I come to Windsor, to meet top officials and find I
too can be a lawyer. Chenk yeu.
people have to bet on which number will manage to get to make
other side of mine field before explosion.
Dean Elman – It is a pleasure to welcome such a distinguished
Kazakhstani to our fine institution
(Following this Anne Dawson, immediately dragged Borat out of
the Administration wing, where
he was met by the S.L.S. president Graham MacLeod.)
Borat (After giving two cheek
kisses, Dean Elman backs away
from mouth to mouth) – Meh I
speek to yer Dean pleeze?
Dean Elman – I am the Dean
Dean Elman – ANNE, get him out of my office!
Borat – Dean Elman, if you don’t like this game, we also have
the running of the Jew…I like you, you like me?!! Very niice.
Borat – Graham, very niiice
meet you. How come Windsor
allow a female presidents. That
never be allowed in Kazakhstan.
Graham – Excuse me, I am a
Borat – Ahhh, In my country,
man
Deans get execution once or
twice a year for accepting bribes
Borat – Woweewewa! HAHAand sleeping with my sister,
HAHHA! I don’t believe you.
number 4 prostitute in all of
You could be a top female prosKazakhstan. We very proud.
titute in my village. May I
How are you still here after six Borat is welcomed at the Windsor Airport.
touch your hram?
years?
Graham – No, I’m good.
Dean Elman – Well its been a lot of hard work, dedication, a
dire commitment to Access to Justice and at least four Diet Cokes Borat – U like touch mine?
a day.
(After 5 minutes of reciprocal hram touching the interview conBorat – What is this acccess to justice that you speak of? In my tinues…)
country, we only have much access to three things: potassium,
Borat – So Mrs. McLeod, how was it how got
potatoes, and little boys to Michael Jackson’s Ranch.
elected?
Dean Elman – Ha ha, actually
even though 90% of our stu- Graham – Well I ran a diligent campaign and
dents don’t know what Access fought hard to get where I am today.
to Justice is, the course
Borat – You would fit right in my country. At
teaches students to break
my country we make sure the President counts
down barriers for minorities
the votes to ensure victory and then we anwithin the legal realm.
nounce winner before counting votes. PresiBorat – This is very interest- dent is strong man, he a crush his opponents
ing. At home we have access and a powerful like Stalin and notta tolerate
to minorities by playing people who underachieve. This a like a you?!
Borat opted for more of a
“traditional” transport than Gypsy Bingo. This is game
Graham – Indeed, maybe I will come visit Before leaving,
Checker Cabs.
where we put numbers on
Borat went sunsomeday.
backs of 20 gypsies. Then
bathing near
Lake St. Clair.
the oyez | borat tours windsor law | 20
Borat – You are inspiring
me. The next political election in Kazahkstan is 2042,
and I prepare every day to
win that election.
Leeora – I find it very degrading that you feel so poorly about
women.
Borat – Where I am from we say God, man, horse, dog, woman,
rat, then small crocilli….
Graham – Yes it is a very Leeora – That’s totally wrong! Women should be equal to men.
Here we are allowed to vote and hold positions that have high
rewarding position.
responsibilities.
Borat – Yes, I too like a
POWER (clenches fists). I Borat – I liiike you, how much?
must got make toilet.
Leeora: How much for what?
Unfortunately his carriage
broke down on the E.C. Row.
(Graham tried to kiss Borat Borat – You know, sexy time. I make a romantic explosion.
goodbye and reached
around and tries to touch (Leeora runs back to the group in a rage)
Borat’s hram)
Borat – She must a make sexy time only with women. Hiigh
***
Fiive!
***
(After going to the bathroom, Borat
came out to see a large group of women
grouped together in the lower pit)
(Borat, being a busy man these days,
had to leave, but first he discussed the
day’s events with the Oyez)
Borat – Woweewewa, I am scared,
what is with all of these women in the
law school?
OYEZ – So Borat, we understand that
you had a good visit to Windsor Law?
(After explaining that they were having
a meeting and selling clothes for the
Women in the Law Society, Leeora
Avrahami accepted to do an interview.)
Borat – Yes, was very niiice. Ur peoples very niiice. U very brave for allowings Jew and woman to walk
around school. In my country, this
cannot happen.
Borat – What is this legal feminism?
Leeora – It is the theory that women Borat took a liking Windsor’s very
OYEZ – Who did you meet during
should be equal to men in the legal en- own Leeora Avrahami. Woweewewa!
your visit?
vironment.
Borat – Very niiice peoples. I meet Madam President MacLeod
(Borat laughs hysterically)
but she a try a take me in office and make bang bang in anoos. I
also meet Women in Law Society Leeora – I try take pictures of
Leeora – You are laughing? That is the problem.
her making toilet. She a no like and try to cut off my hram. Very
niice was a ur how you call Dean?! We a drink a Diet Coke and
Borat – Do you think that women should be educate?
then he take my money. I must now call my government and tell
what happened!
Leeora – Of course!
OYEZ – Well Borat, we hope you enjoyed your visit and that we
could contribute to your cultural learnings
Leeora – That is bull sh*t!
here at Windsor. Thank you for coming
Borat – But Government scientist, Dr. Yamaka prove that and speaking with us.
womans brain is small like the size of baby squirrel!
Borat – Thank you very much peoples
Leeora – That is so wrong, over 60% of the students here are Canadia. Very niiice be here and meet
your and very honor for me and my friend
female and in fact Canada’s Chief Justice is female as well.
to be here and be welcome by you. Hope
Borat – There is no woman in Kazakh judiciary. We say: to give later you can come to my hotel room we
a woman a gavel is like to give a monkey a gun. Very danger- can wrestle naked, drink goat urine and
ous. We have stopped doing ever since 2003 Taschik Zoo mas- shoot dogs from window! I like you. I
like sexy time!
sacre.
Borat – Is it not problem that women have a smaller brain?
Leeora – Great.
Borat – Come on pussycat, give me a smile!
Chenquieh.◊
Borat gave Windsor
Law 2 thumbs up as
he was leaving.
the oyez | borat tours windsor law | 21
Paloma Ellard, co-editor of the Oyez is on exchange Amsterdam. We had
her write an article about life while on exchange to make you jealous...
P
art of the purpose of studying
abroad
is
to
gain
a
new
perspective,
an
alternative
legal education, if you will.
So I
began studying at the University of
Amsterdam, taking courses such as
“the Law of Self-Determination and
the
Formation
of States” or
“International
Humanitarian
L a w . ”
Clearly, these
are
of
the
“alternative”
sort.
Not the
usual
run-oft h e - m i l l
c o u r s e s
offered
at
Windsor,
not
the
most
practical
of
classes nor do
they bear the
most useful of
knowledge (but
then
again,
what
does
in
law
school?).
No, these are the courses that would
be taught in a faculty of law where
Conklin is Dean, courses intended to
challenge
our
mind,
with
the
philosophical
twist
that
would
satisfy
our
token
“perspectives”
r e q u i r e m e n t .
Despite
their
obvious
value,
I
wanted more out of
my semester abroad —
I wanted something
even more distinct
and challenging and
I set out to find it
in the most unlikely
of places: Morocco.
the oyez | life of an exchange student | 22
What
does
this
land
of
snake
charmers, story tellers and hash have
to do with law you might ask? My
trustworthy travel companion Sharon
Bauer and I set out to answer that
very question.
Simply by thinking
outside the box, we realized and that
10
days
in
Morocco
will
provide
you
with
infinite
l
e
g
a
l
experience and
the wisdom to
match.
First
stop:
London
Luton
Airport.
What
better way to
contemplate the
importance
of
international
law than in an
international
airport?
Our
connecting
flight to Marrakesh wasn’t for
another 7 hours so we assumed we had
plenty
of
time
to
learn.
Unfortunately, we were unable to
investigate this topic as heavily as
we
would
have
liked,
because
curiously everything shut down at
11p.m. So instead we spent the night
on the napping on the floor in front
of the Easy Jet sign.
We were not
dissuaded, we knew that there was
much to be discovered in Morocco.
Neither Sharon, nor I had ever taken
an alternative dispute
resolution
course or practical while in law
school, but we were given a crash
courses in Marrakesh.
The market or
“souqs” as they are known are fodder
for young lawyers eager to refine
their negotiation skills.
Bartering
in this country is an
art and a necessity
of life.
Sharon is
stubborn
and
surprisingly good at
getting
her
price.
She will be a shark
to look out for in
the future (you have
been warned).
I, on
the
other
hand,
realized my potential
as a mediator, having to mediate and
reassure more than one angry Moroccan
who thought they’d been had by a
Canadian.
What better practical
experience is this for a budding
lawyer I ask
you?
None.
Our
entire
trip
was
a
v e r i t a b l e
lesson
in
commercial
transactions,
not
to
be
replaced
by
any text book
or cannotes.
Thanks to my
keen skills of
persuasions,
most
Moroccan
souq
owners
did not hold
Sharon’s
low
prices against us and in fact many
invited us to share in some “Berber
whiskey” with them, otherwise known
as mint tea.
This informal and
social activity also proved to be a
gold mine for our legal education as
we were able to learn many things
about Moroccan customs and laws — in
satisfaction of our perspectives
requirement. Topics of conversations
ranged
from
women’s
rights
to
polygamy, apparently many of the
Moroccan men we met are fans of the
television program “Big Love.”
While we were certainly exposed to
our share of private law issues, it
cannot be forgotten that important
lessons in public law were also
learned.
For example, while on an
“expedition” through the High Atlas
Mountains, our Range Rover had to be
examined by more than one police
officer to ensure that the Driver/
Guide had all his “papers” in order
and if he didn’t, there was a fine …
or at least I think that’s why the
driver was giving him money?
This is an invaluable lesson for all
law students as regulations, whether
they
govern
court
filings
or
prospectus requirements, are an
essential
aspect
of
the
legal
profession and not to be overlooked.
How would I have known this if I had
not witnessed the consequences first
hand
of
our
driver’s failed
due
diligence
in ensuring his
papers were in
order? I would
not have known
and
I
surely
would
have
learned
the
hard
way
at
some point in
my career.
So
when
we
spent the night
under the stars
in the Sahara
desert,
I
pondered the importance of all these
things, as many an invaluable lesson
was learned while in Morocco and many
a carpet was bought.
Some might say
“Paloma, this is just a pathetic
attempt to justify you
gallivanting
around
North Africa when you
should be in Amsterdam
studying.”
Some might
be right.
Even so,
I’ll be back in Windsor
in a few short weeks
with a new perspective
on life, a sparkle in
my eye, a spring in my
step and a campaign to
have Conklin become the
next Dean.◊
the oyez | life of an exchange student | 23
A
ll law schools have their traditions. Every summer
before second year, Windsor Law 2’s battle with the
age old question: “Do I take Civ Pro with Hewitt or
McNevin?” The Oyez decided to put these esteemed lecturers
up against one another to see if it really makes a
difference who you take it with. It’s time for...
McNevin
Hewitt
v.
The Ultimate Showdown
Time and Place
7-9 PM, Mon/Wed
Moot Court
David McNevin - class
of ‘95 and a Civ Pro
Professor.
7-9 PM, Mon/Wed
Moot Court Wing
Edge: McNevin. Location, Location, Location.
(More plugs and it’s easier to sneak out early.)
Jeff Hewitt - class of ‘94
and a Civ Pro Professor.
Student Incentives
Plow through the
materials at light speed
and go home early.
Cash money.
Edge: Hewitt. Time IS money. What rule number is that McNevin?
Huh? … Yeah that’s right. I didn’t think you knew.
After Class Activities:
Rock Bottom for Wings
and Beer.
Rock Bottom for Wings
and Beer.
Edge: Rock Bottom. Mmmmm… Beer.
Mid-Term Evaluation
Statement of Claim
Mid-Term Exam
Edge: Tie. Who really cares? They’re both right around OCI time,
they’re both a giant pain in the a$$, and they’re both about Civ Pro.
Final Exam
See “Hewitt”
See “McNevin”
Edge: Tie. Same Time. Same Place. Same Exam.
Winner: It’s
settled - time to change the name in the course
selection guide to “McHewitt” because these to guys have
tied 1 – 1. What does this mean? It doesn’t matter who’s
teaching it, it’s still gonna be Civ Pro! (read: boring)
the oyez | head to head | 24
J-Lo says:
S’up Rook, u get the memo - i hear ur having trouble with your TPS reports
Rook says:
lol... yeah, no more trouble than ur havin’ with the msn name... J-Lo??? wtf?
J-Lo says:
lol - rookie - Justice LOuise ... so who do u think was on the nude-cruise?
Rook says:
lemme check the 8-ball... all signs point to Michel - cruise had nude blackjack
and you know that kid luvs to double-down...
J-Lo says:
lol, true dat - I can see him chirpin’ the dealer with “who wants a Bastarache
ride?”
Rook says:
LOL, you’re killin’ me - B-Mac really closed ranks though, eh?
J-Lo says:
Troof - “our secret is safe”.. Speakin’ of which, have you had your initiation
yet?
Rook says:
Binnie bagged me in the library, does that count?
J-Lo says:
Not unless he used one of the DLR’s
Rook says:
Fu#$.
J-Lo says:
Hit the stacks, chief - its go time.
by dave smith
E
ven before getting into law school, most of you probably heard how it works: “first
year they scare you to death, second year they work you to death, and third year
they bore you to death”. While that statement might be challenged by bleary-eyed
law I’s finishing citations on a minor memo, there is one thing that seems to be beyond
question: the law III’s are bored. Between nights out drinking, skipping classes and
essays started late, it appears that more than ever, the law III’s are mailing it in. The
Oyez wanted to find out where from, so we put Dave up to a little research to figure it
out ...
Mom & Dad’s house in the GTA
Why pay rent and buy groceries in Windsor when you’re not
going to attend too many classes anyways? Join the Reverse 401
Club.
Advantages: Free laundry and a magical fridge that stays full
as well as living in the warm caring bosom of your family.
Spend time with your old non-law friends.
Free food. Free rent. Free
laundry. Just don’t bring
home that random hookup
Disadvantages: Parents actually make for poor roommates. Mom’s
reaction to your exam beard, and your post exam drinking rage
are not exactly positive. Your non-law friends no longer get
your jokes.
Projected Grade: B– ... Damn participation marks!
Pretty Much Every Bar in Windsor
All I ever really needed to know in law school I learned
at the Bridge Tavern.
Advantages: Booze makes Windsor livable. Finally settle
the age-old arguments like whether Mighty Mouse could
kick Superman’s arse.
Disadvantages: Mid-day drunkenness is frowned upon by
most law firms. And, it’s a hard habit to break.
Projected Grade: A+ ... Where do you think the profs hang
out? And if you pick your schedule the exams will be
better when written drunk.
Contrary to what many law III’s might
think, this is NOT the moot court.
A Nice Vacation Down South
All-inclusive tropical getaway. Una cerveza por favor!
Advantages: Temporarily get the eff out of Dodge. Lie
back, work on your tan and drink your face off.
Disadvantages: You gotta come back to Windsor. It’s
probably colder than when you left.
Richard Hatch or Gavin MacDonald
mailing it in from the beach?
Projected Grade: B Booze, beach and bikinis.
the oyez | law III’s mailing it in | 26 |
Jail
After getting arrested on Ouellette after a night on the drink,
Windsor’s finest are only too happy to give you a nice place to
stay. [Really though, you should have listened to those first two
years of warnings.]
Advantages: Free room and board, three squares a day and the
highest in orange jump suit fashion. Plenty of time to do
homework.
Disadvantages: Bubba also makes for a poor roommate. Soap-on-arope is actually contraband. [Careful, it’s slippery]. Criminal
record = non-traditional law career.
Your new roommate. He
like long walks in the
yard, working out and the
colour orange.
Projected Grade: A ... Studying – well any activity where you’re
sitting down – is a pretty good defence mechanism. You’ll be doing
a lot of it to protect yourself.
Exchange
Get the eff out of Dodge for an entire term and take bird courses.
Advantages: Getting the eff out of Dodge for an entire term and
taking bird courses. Travel to exotic locales. Smoke lots and lots
of weed. [Okay, we do that in Windsor too, but I mean LOTS and this
weed is wayyyyyy better.] Travel to more exotic locales. Enough of
this category, I’m getting depressed.
Disadvantages: You miss the Carbolic Smoke Ball. [Yeah, I tried. I
can’t really find a downside.]
Projected Grade: Pass ... See: Bird Courses, supra.
Exchanges... like school here
but add travel, add exotic
locales and subtract grades.
Bay Street Condo
If you’re gonna roll with Big Shots, you gotta live with the Big
Shots. For bonus marks, you might as well move in early and pretend
like you go to U of T.
Advantages: Your new pad beats the hell out of your dump in
Windsor. Which is good because you have no money to go out.
For $2500 a month you get a
great view... of your naked, 75
year old neighbour.
Disadvantages: Nobody cares about your articling job. You still
need your parents to co-sign.
Projected Grade: C is for scenic view of the 80+ storey building
right outside your window.
Road Trips to the U.S.
After 2½ years of living within driving distance of major U.S.
cities, it’s probably a good time to finally head north of the
border [yeah, that’s still weird] to visit them.
Advantages: You're always guaranteed to come back with stories.
Cheap gas + Cheap Booze = Cheaper Random Hookups. Plus the
"different area code" rule ALWAYS applies.
Disadvantages: More trips across the border = more chances of strip
search, giving whole new meaning to “taking the tunnel”.
Projected Grade: C+ [B if the exchange rate is good].
Road trips to the U.S. are a great
way to escape the fast food,
Walmarts and drunk American
teenagers you find in Windsor
for ... ummm... nevermind.
the oyez | law III’s mailing it in | 27
unconventional
advice
by graham macleod
D
o you have a problem? Traditional answers (like dear abbey, or our very own dear
mary) not working for you? Well, we’re taught in law school to be creative and
think outside the box for solutions to problems. (Or at the very least we’re self
taught to think about them over a beer.) In that spirit, we sent Graham out to see
if find some new answers to common law student problems. He came across a Navy Seal
who was more than willing to help with his own brand of … errrr… advice.
Dear Confused,
Dear Navy Seal,
I am a first year law student who is in love. I
met a very cute boy during Social Orientation
and we hit it off immediately. Over the last
couple of months we have spent a lot of time
together - we study together, talk for hours on
the phone, and he even watches Grey’s Anatomy and The Bachelor with me. Things are
going so well and I think this boy is the one
for me.
The only problem is that I haven’t met his
friends and he never invites me out to meet
them. Am I paranoid in thinking that he’s
secretly ashamed of me?
-- Confused
in Canterbury
A close-quarter assassination is one of the most difficult to execute.
It requires rapid deployment, stealth, and a secure extraction
point. I would recommend an amphibious assault from the
North, utilizing a high- tide and no moon. When you are
within
range of the target, I suggest utilizing a Glock 22 semi- a u t o m a t i c
pistol. The Glock’s matte finish and adjustable sights make it an ideal weapon
for night operations. Although a 7.51" silencer will reduce muzzle velocity, it
will also minimize flash and sound.
If a more intimate kill is your cup of tea, I would use
Blackhawk’s Scorpion Neck Knife. It offers concealability with instant access and the sharpened and serrated
top edge allows leveraged back-cuts to greatly enhance
the performance envelope of this compact package.
Yours,
NAVY SEAL
P.S.. To your bf - The Bachelor? You’re a disgrace. Drop and give me 20.
Dear 401 Club,
Dear Navy Seal,
I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years.
We met during our undergraduate degree
and have lived together ever since. Unfortunately, my girlfriend was unable to find a
job in Windsor and had to stay in London
when I came to law school. This is the first
time we have been apart from each other
and my girlfriend recently told me that she
has a new friend called “James”. I’ve never
been the jealous type, but I’m a little bit
concerned about this “new friend”. How do
I handle this?
– 401 Club Wannabe
the oyez | unconventional advice | 28
If all’s fair in love and war, and war is
an art, you should always be prepared to
p a i n t
a
masterpiece. In this case, the medium I recommend is the M24
Socom Sniper Rifle with fluted barrel. The M24 Sniper’s Weapon
System (SWS) represents a return to bolt action sniper rifles. The
stock is made of a composite Kevlar, graphite and fibreglass bound
together with epoxy resins, and features an aluminium bedding
block and adjustable butt plate.
Ideal if your position is
compromised and you must engage in hand-to-hand combat.
I would also suggest the 10x42 Leupold Ultra M3A telescope sight a must-have for desert and urban war theatres. Army Rangers may
call in surgical air-strikes to eliminate remote threats, but I always
relish a slow infiltration and seeing an exit-wound the size of a
cantaloupe.
Ever Truly,
NAVY SEAL
Dear Worried,
Dear Navy Seal,
My boyfriend and I live together and have reached an
impasse about - of all things - mothballs. We were
unpacking our winter clothes, and tiny moths showed
up in the bottom of the box. "Ethan" (my boyfriend)
went to the store and brought back mothballs for the
bedroom closet, which we share. I told him they
smelled horrid, but understood he was trying to protect our clothing.
The moths are long gone, but the mothballs remain.
Every time Ethan opens our closet, the smell makes
me sick to my stomach. There are times when he forgets and leaves our closet door open; our bedroom
reeks of mothballs and I wind up feeling dizzy.
I am worried that the mothballs may have long-term
health implications but I’m not sure how to confront
Ethan with my concerns - can you please help?
- Worried
in Windsor
The M40 Full Facepiece respirator is the quintessential gas
mask. A butyl coated nylon hood covers the head and neck
and is easily donned to add additional protection against
chemical agents. Perfect for first responders and utilization of
smoke grenades.
In addition, I suggest entrenching a directional
fragmentation mine at the entrance to your
closet. The M18A1 (Claymore) command
detonated mine is ideally suited to your
purpose and may be employed at the forward
edge of the closet as close-in protection against a
dismounted infantry attack. The Claymore projects a fanshaped pattern of steel balls in a 60-degree horizontal arc, at a
maximum height of 2 metres, and covers a casualty radius of
100 metres. The optimum effective range (the range at which
the most desirable balance is achieved between lethality and
area coverage) is 50 metres.
Simple to set up (point “Front Toward Enemy” away from
you), you can remote detonate the claymore using a firing
device while you surf QuickLaw. Fire and forget. I assure
you that Ethan will forget all about the mothballs when 700
steel spheres are hurtling towards him at 1500 metres per
second.
Kind Regards,
NAVY SEAL
D
Those were the days… By Sean K
id you know that some
overly ambitious law I’s
have started a blog about
life at Windsor Law? It’s
witty, funny and occasionally
harsh, but you should make
sure to check it out (address
on the left). Here’s a sample
we stole from their website!
This is something that’s been bothering me for some time now. That’s the decline of
quality children’s programming. We’re all old enough to remember such quality children’s
programming like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, Inspector Gadget, He-Man,
etc. Some of the younger folk would remember the X-Men cartoon and the Spiderman cartoon
that aired on Fox. These were some quality shows that we all hold near and dear to our
hearts. The new Transformers suck as does the new Ninja Turtles.
These days, the cartoon shows sucks. I can actually pinpoint when the children’s shows
started to suck – when the Power Rangers came into effect. All of a sudden, Pokemon
started to come out, then Digimon, then Yu-Gi-Oh. Now I don’t even know what consists of
quality Saturday morning entertainment. With the risk of sounding like an old man, allow
me to recount some of my favorite moments when I was a young child, watching the TV on a
Saturday morning, or during the afternoon lunch hour. I’m going to make this in a top 10
list.
7.
10.
He-Man. I think we all know that he’s the most
powerful man in the universe, and on top of that,
he has his arch nemesis in Skeletor. The fact
that his nemesis is a talking skeleton defies
mystery, but the fact is, we love He-Man if
only because it shows how manly this guy is.
We all watched and cried when he got married,
but it defined what men should be – burly
dudes wearing loin cloths. On top of that, he
had some of the coolest theme music ever.
X-Men. This was a newer phase in the
cartoons that I still watched to this day.
I’m not sh*tting you, I actually ended up
downloading all 79 episodes just so I could watch
them again. The storylines were actually amazing
and come on, it’s the X-Men. For many, this was
people’s first exposure to the X-Men. It was for me, and I was
hooked. I loved the various stories and I would rush home just to
watch the next episode. Side note: Why is it that every single gun
that fires shoots lasers? When the hell did this happen?!
9.
6.
Care Bears. Now before you start to
giggle, realize what I’m saying. This was
the ultimate show in teaching us how to be real
people. It taught us to care using…well…Care
Bears, and for some reason a lion which was never
explained. The Teletubbies ain’t got sh*t on the
Care Bears. That’s all I have to say. On top of that,
the evil villain was the ultimate in evil. The fact that
he could see what the Care Bears were doing by simply staring in
a cauldron is huge. And his henchmen was the biggest oaf which
tells us that crime doesn’t pay and you’ll look hideous. Do the
Care Bears count down…
8.
Captain Planet. We all know of
Captain Planet and its highly stylized
version of him not telling us to litter. This was
actually a good show and when I was surfing
IMDB one time, I was astounded as to how many
celebrities did guest voices. I was confused as to
why the hell Captain Planet was green, but it
doesn’t matter. He told me not to litter and who
are you to disrespect Captain Planet. For the
longest time I was afraid Planet would kick my
a$$ something furious if I littered. He scared me
straight.
the oyez | the blawg for beginners | 30
Smoggies. This is related to Captain Planet, but it
was Canadian. That’s all I need to say. I was astounded
by how utterly lame that show was
when I was a kid. Though I must say,
there’s something horrendously evil
about a boat dumping their garbage in
the sea and just constantly spewing out
pollution. The heroes were just a
humanized version of the Smurfs.
Seriously, they were tiny and annoying
as f*#k. I will concede however, that
one of the characters have the coolest
shades ever. See right.
5.
Here’s where it gets difficult to separate the cartoons
but I would put Inspector Gadget up here. OK,
let me get this clear. When I was a kid, I thought
Penny was attractive. She was cute, and highly
intelligent. The fact that she carried around a
laptop that would rival the entire CIA’s database is
hot. I love a woman in power. Word on the street
says that there’s a 1L student who thought terrible
thoughts about her when he was 12. But it was
more than that. Perhaps it’s because Inspector
Gadget and his evil rival, Dr. Claw had the BEST
car’s ever. Or perhaps it’s that nasally voice of Gadget that was
somehow hypnotic. Perhaps it’s the fact that every week we were
befuddled as to whether or not Gadget was in fact a man or
machine. He had a spring for a neck, and pipes for arms (real
legitimate pipes). An umbrella would pop out of his head, and in
the odd humorous moments, a giant wooden mallet. Don’t even
get me started on his crotch – ladies, imagine the length on that.
Dr. Claw was the coolest villain ever if only because we never
saw him and every episode ended with his catch phrase “I’ll get
you next time Gadget…..next TIIIIIMEEE!!!! *cat screech!”
4.
badass voice that would rival any sort of hair metal
singer, just turned into a giant fucking gun.
That’s it. Straight up badassery. Granted,
another Decepticon had to use the gun in order to
destroy people, but still, far cooler than a car. The
Autobots sucked if only because they had a lame
logo (compared to the Decepticons) and because
of Bumblebee. What a useless transformer. A
Volkswagon Beetle? I could kick you and you
would die. Finally, the writing was brilliant. This
was the
first cartoon show that I could recall that used a swear. The movie
used the word “sh*t” and I was hooked. Case in point, I still
remember a line that Optimus Prime gave to Megatron when they
were fighting – “I thought you were made of sterner stuff.” Get it,
they were made of metal….and….fuck you. The theme song was
also a top contender.
Ducktales.
This show probably
had the best theme song of all time.
To this day I still remember all the words to
this song. The characters were memorable –
Scrooge McDuck, his arch rival Macduff,
Launchpad as that idiot pilot, even a cameo
This is it, number one folks. The one you’ve been
by Donald Duck. The only thing that I
waiting for, and you know what, it’s so highly regarded
couldn’t stand were f#*king Hewey,
I won’t even list the name of the show, I’ll show you a picture.
Dewey and Louie. F*#king b@stards sound
alike. But every week I dreamed that I was on
Not all of you remember this
those wild adventures that they had. And on top of that, I’m sure
show, but for those who do,
I’m not the only one who dreamed of diving into a giant vault
you’ll know why it’s number
filled with gold coins and swimming in them. I’m sure in real life
one. First of all, the f*#king
it would hurt like a bitch, but this is the show that filled us all
name just reeks of someone
with capitalistic greed so that we will have one goal in life – to
who’s on a bad acid trip. I mean
buy a giant money vault filled with coins so we can swim in them.
look at the background. The
entire premise is simple, you
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. This was a
know what it’s about because it’s
toss up because it was so hard to decide between this
in the title, it’s Robin Hood and
and the next one on the list. Aside from Ducktales, this had the
best theme song ever. I remember being a kid during recess and his crew on rockets. Never mind the fact that they’re flying
getting a group of friends to pretend to be Ninja Turtles. Poor around in space without helmets, or that Sherwood Forest
Danny was forced to be Shredder as me and my three buddies somehow became Sherwood Asteroid, it’s such a ridiculous
beat the sh*t out of him. What can I say, he was Shredder. The concept. Just absolutely terrible. I watched it for how bad it was.
The theme song was just a barbershop quartet singing “Rocket
thing about this show that made this so
Robin Hood” over and over again with the shittiest background
memorable in my eyes was the fact that this
music
ever. On top of that, the first 10 minutes was spent giving
show had such an impact on me. Perhaps it’s
us background on the characters. By the fifth episode it pissed
the fact that there were four turtles each with
me off. We get it, Little John is in fact NOT little. And what put
their own personality, or the fact that they
this show over the top was the atrocious production values. The
were teenagers, or the fact that they were
background never moved and neither did the characters. When
teenagers – I was hooked. We all had our
someone speaks, only the lips moved. If a punch was thrown, it
favorite turtle. My favorite was Raphael if only
because he was such a sarcastic badass. Leonardo was a close wasn’t smooth. It was quite jarring as all of a sudden the arms
second because of the fact he had giant Kitana blades. It was a would be on the side of the body and next frame, the fist was in
dark day for various teachers though because when kids heard the face. It’s like trying to animate a comic book. Finally, let’s not
these famous artists, they immediately thought of the turtles, and forget that the animators were so lazy that they missed massive
gaps in continuity. I’m not talking about continuity in the fact that
not the artists.
Robin Hood could travel between galaxies in mere seconds with a
Transformers. This comes second because it rocket and without a helmet, I mean the continuity in that for half
preceded Ninja Turtles. This was the first show that an episode, the main characters would be missing an eye. And
was clearly designed to sell toys. I’m convinced they came out things just go on as if nothing would happen. Other times Friar
with more and more Transformers to sell more toys. Anyone Tuck’s leg would be missing. It was just ridiculously bad in a car
who’s seen the show have had numerous debates as to who the wreck sort of way. You want to keep watching to see how bad it
best Transformer was, or if someone sided with the Autobots or was. Those were the days.
the Decepticons. I hated the Autobots. I won’t lie. I thought
Optimus Prime was a giant douchebag. He turned into a giant I just realized how often I mentioned theme songs. I also realized
semi truck, but where does that giant trailer come from? All he that I know ever single theme song. Does that make me crazy?
could do was drive away. Now Megatron, aside from having a Probably.◊
1.
3.
2.
the oyez | the blawg for beginners | 31
1. Bring all your A2J materials, summaries will not suffice and your
professor will expect no less than you to walk in with a stack of
books and then rewrite as much as possible in during the hour.
2. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it,
loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've
been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who
The definitive A2J exam notes. are you? Where's the regular guy?"
3. In the answer book find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every
question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it
conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. (Bonus marks for citing Charter
provisions.)
4. Come down with a BAD case of Turret's Syndrome during the exam. Be
as vulgar as possible.
5. As soon as the invigilator hands you the exam, eat it.
6. Make sure you drink three coffees before the exam and then sit
somewhere in the middle of a row, so that when you have to pee
five minutes into the exam, you make a big disruption.
7. Bring your Hawaiian shirts and leis to Prof. Ocheje’s Property
exam, because his samba ring tone will go off during the exam.
Law I in training.
8. Sit next to the guy or girl freaking out and restating facts like a mad person.
Tell them that every case they recite is not on the exam.
9. Estates will dominate you, make no mistake.
10. Your biggest enemy in the exam room is stress. Doubt creeps up once
you see the first fact pattern, and before long you're crippled by the
fear of flunking and missing out on that soul-crushing firm job that you
always wanted. This is ungood. You have to stay loose. And for this we
recommend the Law Exam Drinking Game. Smuggle in your favourite whiskey or
vodka inside one of those free Lexis-Nexis mugs and be ready to take a
drink anytime
The in-exam martini
11. Only the hardcore studiers work till the library closes and then go will make sure
clubbing and then show up gung-ho, still wearing their club clothes and you’re not shaken
or stirred.
ready to write the exam.
12. Above all remember, there’s no pressure. Although, you will all be ranked
after these sets of exams. Any notions of equality you may have will be gone.
the oyez | last word | 32