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Praise for Oz Power
“Oz Power gives us a fresh and fascinating look at the hidden
possibilities of The Wizard of Oz. Bill Bauman masterfully
takes us on an insightful personal journey through Oz and
into the magic slippers of our own lives. He shows us, in
tangible and practical terms, how to turn our lives into
what we want them to be—from birth to old age. I highly
recommend this charming, energizing ‘manual for life.’”
— Hale Dwoskin, Author
New York Times best seller, The Sedona Method:
Your Key to Lasting Happiness, Success, Peace and
Emotional Well-Being
“Bill Bauman is an extraordinary life mentor who has graciously
gifted us with this book. His wisdom illuminates the timeless
Wizard of Oz story in a way that transforms lives. As we trek
the Yellow Brick Road, we are constantly nourished by his wit,
clarity and intimacy. Take this journey with Bill, and discover
just how abundant your awareness, loving kindness, and
courage can be! Don't miss it!”
— John W. Parker, Author
Dialogues with Emerging Spiritual Teachers
“Insights you won’t find elsewhere abound in this gem of a book.
Bill Bauman’s unique, ruby-bright teachings seem to flow out
straight from your soul. Many writers will cause you to admire
them. Here’s one who will help you to value yourself. How
fitting that such a gem of a writer could help you to find your
own ruby slippers. He calls it Oz Power. I call it world-class
inspiration.”
— Rose Rosetree, Author
Aura Reading Through ALL Your Senses
How to click your heels and
take total charge of your life
Bill Bauman, Ph . D.
Illustrations and cover design by
Donna J. Bauman
A Center for Soulful Living Publication
OZ POWER: How to click your heels and take total charge of your life
Copyright 2005 by Bill Bauman. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be
used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from
the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or
reviews. For information address the Center for Soulful Living, P. O. Box 583, St.
George, UT, 84771-0583, USA, www.billbauman.net.
All lyrics contained within this book are subject to U.S. Copyright Laws and are
the property and copyright of their respective owners. All lyrics are provided
for educational purposes only.
FIRST EDITION
Cover design and illustrations by Donna J. Bauman
Book design by Jo Anne Smith
ISBN 0-9765138-0-3
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ON RECYCLED PAPER
This book is lovingly and gratefully
dedicated to those remarkable persons
who have made my personal journey
through the Oz of my life
such an amazing trip:
to my mother, Hazel,
who, as the loving Glinda of my life,
has given me the priceless gift of my own magic
to my father, Floyd,
who, as the ever-faithful Toto of my heart,
still lives tenderly in my heart, long after his death
to my son, Eric,
who, as the Wonderful Wizard of my soul,
has taught me about the magic and fun of Oz-ian living
to every person with whom I have had a personal connection,
who, as the Dorothys learning and living their power,
have shown me the path to happiness and fulfillment
and especially,
yes, most especially
to my loved wife and best friend, Donna,
who daily lives with me above the forest of Oz,
creatively splashing its freeing spirit and joy into my life
Acknowledgements
How can I begin to thank the many people who have contributed so
much love, dedication, and expertise to the birth of this book? Noting
the impossibility of communicating the depth of my personal feelings to
those who have so intimately shared this journey, I nonetheless make
this attempt with humility, gratitude, and awe.
First, I am moved to express my feelings of love and appreciation to my
life partner, best friend, and playmate, Donna Bauman—for her inspired
illustrations, for her countless hours of editing my initial writings, for her
magnanimous support, and for her unending love of me (silly girl!).
Next, I have been truly touched by the immeasurable devotion and
ongoing technical/professional support that I have received through
every phase of this book from Elinor Hall, my project manager. Elinor
has blessed me with her endless expertise and loving suggestions at
every turn, and I shall be eternally grateful.
Third, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to Vicki Worthington and
Sharon Dahl, two exceptional editors and wordmeisters, who have
“tweaked” the original manuscript with their genius, and brought it to
a level beyond the capability of this writer.
Fourth, I am deeply and truly indebted to Jo Anne Smith. She has
made an extraordinary contribution to the quality of this writing, the
tone of its language, the beauty of its flow, and the “feel” of its presentation. Editor, technical consultant, book designer, and friend, Jo Anne
has added her magical touch, and created the user-friendly book that
you are about to read. Thank you, Jo Anne.
In addition, as I mentioned in my Dedication, I owe a giant expression
of thanks to every person in my life who has taught me, confronted me,
loved me, challenged me, and contributed to the insights in this book.
To all of you, I honor you for your beauty, worth, and contribution.
Finally, this window of thankful opportunity would not be complete
without expressing my gratitude to L. Frank Baum, the author of The
Wonderful Wizard of Oz. This gifted man served us as a true genius,
both in his keen perception of the human experience and in his ability
to translate that wisdom to children of all ages in the form of fairy
tales. His immeasurable contribution forms the foundation for the
insights that you are about to read in this book.
Contents
Foreword
i
Introduction
1 Birth:
iii
Arriving in the Land of Oz
1
Where are we, Toto?
2 Childhood:
Surviving in a Strange World
23
It’s a Munchkin’s life!
3 Schooling:
Learning the Planet’s Three C’s
53
If I only had a heart, a brain, the nerve!
4 Adolescence: Breaking Free
91
Down with the Wicked Witch!
5 Adulthood:
Owning Personal Power
127
Click your heels!
6 Sagehood:
Above the Forest of Oz
159
Back in Kansas at last!
7 Humanhood: Living with Oz Power
187
Bringing Oz down to Earth
About the Author
209
Index of Lyrics
The Munchkin Land Song
2
Follow the Yellow Brick Road
54
If I Only Had a Brain!
68
If I Only Had a Heart!
74
If I Only Had the Nerve!
79
If I Only Had the Nerve! (ending verses)
85
The Munchkin Land Song
92
Over the Rainbow
188
i
Foreword
For many years, I heard from my friends and colleagues about an
extraordinary man named Bill Bauman and his powerful, lifetransforming work. A few years ago, I finally had an opportunity
to meet Bill and experience his gifts for myself. The stories I had
heard from others were true — this man is amazing. I have since
dubbed Bill “the enlightened Mr. Rogers.” He has radiates a beautiful
combination of deep wisdom, healing presence, and expansive love
and joy (the enlightened part), mixed with corny humor, neighborly
charm, and down-to-earth humility (the Mr. Rogers part). When I
first met Bill, I thought, if this man’s life and character are an example
of what’s possible, then that’s for me!
Looking back now, I see that Bill has helped me find a way to a more
fulfilling life. He has shown me how to identify and remove obstacles
so I can live my life grounded in the love and inner power I’ve always
longed for. I have often wished that many more people could benefit
from Bill’s great gifts.
Now, in Oz Power, Bill shares his profound wisdom with all of us,
showing us in the simplest terms the truths of our life journey—from
birth through our golden years—as revealed in the story of The Wizard
of Oz. I’ve seen the movie at least 20 times (it certainly holds my
personal record for most-watched film), and I continue to be moved
and delighted by it. After reading this book, I now also appreciate the
deeper meaning in the Oz story, and how that message relates to my
own life and personal growth.
Through my work as co-author of six Chicken Soup for the Soul® books,
and as president of The Esteem Group—where I have spent the last
20 years as a corporate training consultant for Fortune 500 companies
—I have seen how hungry so many people are for truth and for a clear
direction to follow. We are all looking for the yellow brick road that
will lead us to a life of fulfillment and joy. Particularly in these times,
when burnout and cynicism are rampant, we are eager for meaning
and purpose. Oz Power addresses these issues directly by helping us to
get in touch with our souls so that we can take guidance and live from
that empowered place, giving meaning and purpose to life.
From the enormous response to the Chicken Soup® books, I also know
the power of stories to inspire us. Oz Power offers a simple retelling of
the magical tale, together with a clear and insightful interpretation that
has practical application in our day-to-day lives. Reading this book, I
found myself identifying with Dorothy as she moved through her
adventures in Oz. Her courage put me in touch with my own. Her
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Oz Power
discoveries of her inner “Oz Power” motivated me to claim mine more
decisively. This is the reason we are drawn to this beloved classic:
at a deep level, we are inspired by the universal truths underlying
Dorothy’s journey.
This book also includes forty true and compelling stories of people
who have faced challenges along their life paths. With Bill’s help,
they’ve transformed those challenges into opportunities to discover
and claim their unique, inner power. As readers, you and I can relate
to these stories and apply the same guidance to our own lives.
In Oz Power you will find a unique blend of elements: the timeless
wisdom of a fairy tale, modern day stories of courageous real-life role
models, an illuminating look at the various stages of our lives, and a
brilliant overview of the purpose of our life journey. At the end of each
chapter, Bill includes inspiring highlights and helpful action steps that I
found particularly useful. Every page is a delight, sweetened by Bill’s
unique, warm and playful voice.
So, I invite you to grab your heart, your mind, and your courage, and
take a new walk with Bill down that familiar yellow brick road. May
the message in this book lead you all the way back to your true home,
the one that’s waiting for you within your own soul.
Marci Shimoff, Co-author
Chicken Soup for the Soul®
series for women
iii
Introduction
Folklore, legends, myths and fairy tales have
followed childhood through the ages.
— L. Frank Baum, 1900
The inspiration for this book showed up in my life about fourteen years
ago. I was leading a weekend seminar on owning personal power—
a “be all that you can be!” workshop focused on taking charge of our
lives in spite of our fears. At one point, a participant exclaimed, “I just
finished reading The Wizard of Oz—and that’s what Dorothy did! She
never let her fears hold her back.” For some reason, this comment
really got my attention … I thought about what she had just said …
and that’s when the “aha!” came to me.
Here’s the insight: Dorothy’s journey through Oz is an exact mirror of our
journey through our lives! Well, I don’t know if that thought is at all new
to you, but it certainly was to me. It had never occurred to me that this
delightful story might be a complete metaphor for how we live our
human lives. While describing Dorothy’s challenges in Oz, it also tells us
the story of what’s possible for our own lives.
For some reason that idea stayed with me. In fact, over time it began
to build … and build … until, after several years, I had accumulated the
insights that are included in this book. For example, I began to realize
that Dorothy’s bewildered arrival in Oz is like our birth here on earth …
that the Munchkins’ life of conformity reflects our childhood need for
security … that the three friends whom Dorothy encountered along the
yellow brick road represent the “three C’s,” or lessons, that we learn in
our own “school of human living” … that her determination to kill the
Wicked Witch of the West corresponds to our adolescent drive for
freedom … that her clicking of her magic heels symbolizes our adult
claiming of authority … and that her valuable hindsight after waking
up back in Kansas represents the same bigger vision that we can have
in our “golden years.”
I realized that Dorothy’s journey is our journey, her challenges reflect
ours, and her victories remind us of our own potential for successful
living.
These insights made such a deep impression on me that I began to use
them in sessions with my clients and in the seminars I was leading, in
order to help people better understand their own lives. As I did, I
noticed something very intriguing: with the aid of this delightful story,
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Oz Power
people really “got” how powerful they actually were … they started to
“click their heels” more and more … they began to enjoy the benefits of
being in charge of their lives.
As you might imagine, I became increasingly excited about all the ways
that this simple fairy tale can guide us. After all, I have dedicated my
whole life to helping people live full, happy and powerful lives. And
that’s what this simple but elegant story is all about—showing us how
to take powerful charge of every moment. Who could ask for more?
Well, after listening to frequent suggestions that I put these insights
into print, I realized that writing this book could help countless people
—you, for example—make their personal journey through life so much
more enjoyable … more dynamic … more powerful. So, I decided to do
it—and here is the result. I hope that it will speak to you as much as it
has to so many others.
Somewhere, over the rainbow …
Oz is a mythical, enchanting land “somewhere over the rainbow.” This
mysterious world holds a special brand of magic that has inspired
children of all ages since its story was first published in 1900. L. Frank
Baum, the gifted author of The Wizard of Oz, has literally touched our
hearts with his tale of Oz’s many wonders, its gripping challenges, and
its magnificent possibilities.
Let’s face it, even after so many decades and generations, people simply
love this endearing fable. We identify with its heroine, Dorothy. We
admire her because she’s such a delightful, resilient person—but also
because she’s so much like us. She has the same fears and doubts that
we do, yet she also reaches inside herself for the courage to succeed—
the same way we can. We have in this humble champion a vibrant
symbol of our own power to make all our dreams come true.
As we can see, this seemingly simple story teaches us a lot about the
magic and possibility of our own lives. A hidden significance weaves
itself through the pages—an important message about our innate
capacity to be completely in charge of our lives.
That’s the purpose of this book—to translate and apply that compelling
message. In its simplest form, it’s this: like Dorothy, you and I have a
dynamic, secret power—our own ruby red slippers. We’re born with it,
and it goes everywhere with us throughout our lives, waiting for us to
discover, claim and use it. I’ve come to call it our Oz power.
I’m not really sure why it takes most of us so long to find our personal
power—I just know that it does. Like Dorothy, we usually go through
many trials and challenges before we finally wake up and notice that
Introduction
such a remarkable authority lives within us, and that it’s ours to use.
Once we make the discovery, though, our life changes forever.
Everything we touch can turn to gold … our dreams can become
our realities … and we can finally get around to really enjoying the
adventure of living.
To help you walk through the book …
To make everything in this book as clear as possible for you, I’ve
included forty stories of people—precious, wonderful, remarkable
people—who show us how they’ve taken charge of their lives. I
want you, and them, to know that in every instance I’ve changed
their names and have omitted certain facts about their lives that might
make them easily recognizable. My intention is that, with these minor
modifications, neither their friends nor you will know who they are.
Their anonymity is very important to me, something I wouldn’t want
to compromise in any way.
In addition, I’ve included several stories about myself—some of them
downright embarrassing. Since my personal background is quite varied,
reading About the Author at the back of the book will help you understand these stories more fully.
You’ll also find this book filled with simple, straightforward language.
I’ve tried to write it as an easy, natural and flowing conversation
between you and me. In that regard, there is one thing I’d like to
recommend: picture yourself sitting with me in your living room, having
an intimate conversation about your life. That was the picture I held in
my mind as I was writing, and it’s one that stays with me to this day.
In the same spirit, I’ve purposely kept the format and style of the book
simple. As you can see from what follows, each chapter (except the last
one) has the same four sections:
• Dorothy’s Journey — where we revisit the key events and
challenges of Dorothy’s journey through Oz;
• What It Means — where we see what Dorothy’s experiences
and successes are saying to us about our own lives;
• Our Journey — where we apply those meanings to our daily
lives, spelling out how we can live each moment powerfully; and
• Remembering — where I offer you several “points to remember”
to use as helpful affirmations, practical suggestions and personal
guidelines. These are reminders that you can take into your life,
to help you live Oz power every moment. I invite you to make
copies of these pages and refer to them regularly.
v
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Oz Power
A testimonial … A dedication
In a way, Oz Power is a testimonial to the thousands of people whom
I’ve been privileged to help over the years of my life. These special,
beloved individuals have inspired, delighted and challenged me in untold
ways. By walking through their lives with them, I have been personally
deepened beyond my wildest dreams. Also, it’s because of them that
I’ve been able to find so many of the secrets to living happily and
powerfully—the very secrets that I’m now able to share with you. I
owe them a debt of personal gratitude that can never be repaid.
Most of all, though, I am dedicating this book to you. Why? Because it’s
all about you … and your own remarkable life. It’s about how powerful
you are and how powerful you can be, every minute of every day. It’s
about your being so powerful, in fact, that you can be in charge of
every aspect of your existence … that you can create your own destiny
… and that you can “click your heels” to an exciting life every day.
So, as you walk with Dorothy through the following pages and witness
her many triumphs, please remember that you’re witnessing your own
potential to be equally successful. Yes, as you read these pages, you’re
about to discover the very same quality that helped Dorothy realize her
dreams—your very own Oz Power!
Bill Bauman, Ph.D.
1 Birth
Arriving in the Land of Oz
Where are we, Toto?
2
Oz Power
The Munchkin Land Song
(Glinda)
Come out, come out wherever you are,
And meet the young lady who fell from a star.
She fell from the sky, she fell very far,
And Kansas, she says, is the name of the star.
She brings you good news—or haven't you heard?
When she fell out of Kansas, a miracle occurred.
Let the joyous news be spread—
The wicked old witch at last is dead!
(Munchkins)
We thank you very sweetly for doing it so neatly.
You've killed her so completely
That we thank you very sweetly.
Ding-dong, the witch is dead!
Which old witch? The wicked witch!
Ding-dong, the wicked witch is dead!
Wake up, you sleepyhead.
Rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up! The wicked witch is dead!
She's gone where the goblins go
Below — below — below.
Yo-ho, let's open up and sing—and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong, the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know the Wicked Witch is dead!
(Mayor)
Then this is a day of independence
For all the Munchkins and their descendants!
Yes, let the joyous news be spread—
The wicked old witch at last is dead!
Taken from the M-G-M movie, The Wizard of Oz
Lyrics by E. H. Harburg, music by Harold Arlen, 1939
© Warner Bros. Entertainment
Birth
Dorothy’s Journey
Once upon a time … a young girl named Dorothy was living happily
with her Aunt Em and Uncle Henry in Kansas when something terribly
unexpected happened. Dorothy and her faithful dog, Toto, were swept
up by a huge wind, and blown far, far away, into a strange new land.
Their lives were about to change.
You see, they landed in the world of Oz, a place lush and beautiful …
but so very different from their beloved Kansas. All around them,
remarkable little people—the Munchkins—were laughing, celebrating,
and singing. “Why are they so happy?” Dorothy wondered. She didn’t
know it, but the house that had carried her to Oz had just landed on—
and killed—the Wicked Witch of the East.
Bad Witch . . . Good Witch
For many years, this evil Wicked Witch had terrified everyone in Oz.
The poor Munchkins were her slaves, with no rights or freedom. They
spent their days miserably serving the whims of the Wicked Witch …
afraid of being punished if they dared to disobey her.
No wonder the Munchkins were now so happy—they were finally free!
Dorothy had just removed the terrible tyrant from their lives. They
cheered as they sang songs of gratitude to her, their heroine.
Glinda, the Good Witch of the North appeared and greeted Dorothy and
Toto. Glinda was beautiful and seemed so loving—so different from the
Wicked Witch. She welcomed the newly arrived pair to the Land of
Oz, and then quickly explained why the Munchkins were so joyful. As
an expression of gratitude, Glinda invited Dorothy and Toto to live in
Oz forever.
I just wanna go home!
Of course, Dorothy had no desire to remain in this strange land. She
just wanted to go back home to Kansas … immediately! She made
her desire clear to Glinda, asking the Good Witch the fastest way
out of Oz.
Glinda appeared puzzled. It seems that no one had ever left before. She
pointed out to the disappointed Dorothy that getting out of Oz was no
easy task—only the Wonderful Wizard of Oz had such a power. “If you
really want to leave our land,” Glinda suggested, “I advise you to seek
the help of the Wonderful Wizard.”
3
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Oz Power
To Dorothy, there was no question about what to do. She and Toto
excitedly prepared to walk the long path—the yellow brick road—to the
Emerald City, where this powerful Wizard lived.
Before Dorothy began her journey, however, Glinda wisely removed the
ruby red slippers from the Wicked Witch of the East … and placed them
on Dorothy’s feet. She explained that these slippers were very, very
special—even magical—and encouraged Dorothy to use them if she
ever needed them.
Finding the Meaning
Let’s go back in time—to the moment of our birth. Just as Dorothy and
Toto landed in the strange, new world of Oz, we arrived on earth—an
equally puzzling and different land. And just like Dorothy, we had little
idea of what we were getting ourselves into.
Life is good . . .
Yes, open and eager, we came into a beautiful, inviting world, much like
Oz. Imagine how thrilled and excited we must have felt! With limitless
possibilities available to us, we couldn’t wait to get started.
Birth
In fact, the start was awesome. We looked around, as Dorothy had
done, and saw funny-looking creatures who were cheering our appearance. They seemed genuinely glad to see us … enfolding us in love. This
felt so good … we were the new hero in town. Our arrival had just
killed off their daily worries and pains—their Wicked Witch of the East.
Better yet, they were happy—really, really happy. Our birth gave them
an opportunity to celebrate.
Best of all, they were celebrating you and me! That’s right—it was party
time, and we just happened to be the life of the party. What a great
place to live!
Whoops! What happened to the good ole days?
But wait! Something unexpected happened. Our “birthday” party
ground slowly to a halt. All those loving people gradually quit cheering;
their focus shifted. Bit by bit, we stopped being the center of attention.
In small steps, our parents went back into their “life-as-usual” mode—
often distracted, busy. Other party goers started becoming preoccupied
with more “serious” things. We sensed their stress and pain.
What’s wrong with this picture?
“What’s going on?” we wondered. “Why is everyone so grim?” We
yearned for the party—it had been a lot more fun! This new scene
simply didn’t make any sense to us.
Well, the Munchkins’ plight hadn’t made sense to Dorothy either.
Despite their celebration when she arrived, it didn’t take her long to
notice what their “normal” life had been like. She saw firsthand their
stress … how they had lived in daily fear of the Wicked Witch. No
wonder Dorothy wanted to leave!
Could it be that we felt the same way about earth as Dorothy had
about Oz—confused and bewildered? Probably so.
What’s a body to do?
So, what did we do? Well, like Dorothy, deep in our hearts, we
probably wanted to turn right around and run away … to go back
home. We yearned for the simplicity of where we had come from
—our own version of Kansas—rather than the complexity of this
confusing new world.
But, also like Dorothy, we came to a vivid realization—there was just
no simple way out. We faced our first uneasy fact of life here—an
immediate exit was not an option. We were here to stay, at least for
a while.
5
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Oz Power
So, you and I came to our first positive decision, “Okay, I’ll stick around!
And, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I’ll even take my first hopeful
steps forward—onto the yellow brick road of life.” An excellent choice.
Welcome to this new world!
Now for the good news … There’s help ahead!
Here’s good news about life on earth—we’re not here to feel uncomfortable. That initial uneasiness is only the entry level experience.
According to Glinda, there’s a way to move beyond our confusion. Yes,
there’s a helpful Wizard we can seek out … and a yellow brick road
custom-made to lead us there.
Now we had a basis for hope, a dream to hold on to! We were not all
alone. Life would support us. We could believe in our future. “I’m not
just destined to stay here and feel uncomfortable,” we concluded, “I
can actually do something to make myself feel better. I’ve got a road to
walk. There’s a Wizard to discover.”
So, we took our first steps onto the yellow brick road of life … blindly
… armed only with our faith. “If all else fails, I’ve got my hope to keep
me warm,” we told ourselves. “Maybe this can work!”You know what?
We were right!
Birth
Our Journey
Yes, we put our young feet onto the road of life, feeling the same as
Dorothy had—hopeful and excited … and confused!
During our first precious years in this new world, we were probably
astounded at the contrasts we saw. Amazing beauty combined with
tiresome burdens. The wonder of being alive side-by-side with the
stress of daily living. Life’s exciting possibilities linked with its frustrating
limitations.
Let’s face it, our earth is a unique planet, and living here is a complex
experience. It’s a blend of ups and downs, light and dark, happiness and
sorrow. Making sense of it all is a dizzying, sometimes staggering task.
Showing up for life
Yet, it simply doesn’t work to remain confused! In fact, staying in pain is
the ticket to only one thing—even more pain.
The wonder of our new world is this: there’s always life beyond our
pain and a path out of our confusion. No matter what, there’s a yellow
brick road waiting to lead us to our version of the Wonderful Wizard.
That’s the peculiar magic about life here on earth—it’s always moving
us forward. It won’t let us sit back and be passive—as tempting as that
may be. If we try being an uninvolved spectator, we’re only existing, not
living. And life on our unique planet is all about living.
Dorothy seemed to understand this as she faced her own bewilderment
in Oz. That’s probably why she decided to do something—anything—to
move out of her confusion. Find the Wizard … walk the road of life …
take charge.
It’s exactly the same for you and me. The human scene invites us to be
actively involved participants. Simply “showing up” and engaging with
life is a remarkable key to living happily on this planet. When we do
show up, the road to personal fulfillment opens before us. Possibilities
appear that we can’t begin to see if our eyes are tightly shut.
Mary
Mary was a nervous, visibly tense woman in her mid-fifties. When she
came to me for therapy, she told me that her anxieties kept her awake
at night, and her worries filled her days with stress. When I asked her
what she was so afraid of, she replied, “Nothing!”
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Oz Power
“Nothing?” I asked.
“That’s right,” she responded. “Nothing specific! It’s just life … life in
general. I don’t feel safe. Simply being alive scares me.”
As we explored her fear of life, Mary shared that she had always felt
vulnerable, even as a little girl. She felt as if something “out there”
had an unspoken power to hurt her. No matter what she did or how
she tried to control her “free-floating anxiety,” she felt unsure and
unprotected.
Every time she had to deal with life, her stomach ached, her muscles
tightened, her nervous system tensed—for no explainable reason. For
years, she stayed home whenever she could, and held low-level jobs
rather than let herself be promoted to positions of authority.
We couldn’t find any real-life basis for this feeling left over from Mary’s
childhood. There was no paralyzing “event” that left her fearful—she
wasn’t hurt, abused or unloved as a little girl. Quite the contrary, she
had been raised in a secure family, was loved by her parents, and
seemed to have all the advantages of life.
Still, she felt deep in her gut a paralyzing “something” in life. The very
fact of being human felt overwhelming.
Instead of exploring Mary’s past, I decided to help her find a deeper
source of protection—within herself. As she got more in touch with
her “real” self, Mary began to find her strengths. Bit-by-bit she began
to feel more connected and confident in herself, better able to deal
with the unpredictable nature of life. Soon, she felt less vulnerable, and
started to experience life as more “user-friendly.”
In short, Mary finally showed up and purposely put her feet onto the
yellow brick road of her life. At last, she actively set out to find the
Wonderful Wizard—and for Mary, the Wizard was the symbol of
her own potential, her own power. In so doing, she discovered the
beginnings of her own strength … and started feeling more safe and
secure in this strange world.
The path is as important as the destination
Observing the experience of so many clients whom I have coached and
counseled over the years, I have noticed that once they put their foot
on their own yellow brick road and said “yes” to living, many of them—
like Mary—started feeling better right away. Others, putting forth the
same effort, took a longer time, even years, but eventually saw the
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same results. If they kept walking that road—if they continued to try,
no matter how discouraged or pain filled, they eventually succeeded in
finding happiness
Yet, there’s more to life than succeeding. I remember being surprised
once as I heard a high school coach tell his football players that it didn’t
matter whether they won or lost their upcoming game. The important
thing, according to him, was simply that his players got out there on the
field, and played to their fullest potential. He cared more about his
team’s experience of playing than about the results of the game. I
was impressed with this man’s wisdom. Life for us could be so much
more enjoyable if we emphasized our efforts more than our outcomes.
Certainly living life is vastly different from simply existing. When we
jump into the middle of life’s challenges and give them our best, we feel
vital. We move from simply having been born … to choosing to live.
Playing the game of life sure beats sitting on the bench.
Run, run, run …
Imagine how Dorothy must have felt when she landed in Oz. She
wanted nothing more than to run away. Let’s think about it, though.
What would her life have been like if she had somehow been allowed
to leave Oz immediately?
Sure, she would have returned to a comfortable life back in Kansas,
enjoying her family’s love. That’s the good news. Yet—as the next
chapters will show—Dorothy would have missed all the experiences
that lay ahead for her in the magical land called Oz. She would never
meet her three special friends—the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the
Lion. She would never find the freedom that resulted from slaying the
Wicked Witch of the West. And, she would not have the privilege of
finding her own special power by using the magical slippers.
Had Dorothy given in to her initial discomfort and run back to Kansas
—choosing comfort over challenge—she might have lost out on an even
bigger happiness.
Barbara and Steven
This reminds me of a rather sad story. I had been counseling Barbara
for only a short time. She was in her late twenties—professional,
vivacious, and beautiful. In so many ways, she had it “all together” and
was the ideal modern woman. Her one and only disappointment in life
was that she had not yet found her “soul mate.”
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This was the focus of our sessions—to help Barbara release her fear of
intimacy. You see, whenever she started to get close to someone, she
felt too vulnerable. It was too scary. So she cut it off; she ran away.
Here then was our plan: heal her deep fears of intimacy, and thereby
free Barbara to let herself be loved.
Well, we were just a little way into this process when she met “the
special man.” Barbara was ecstatic! At last, the single missing piece of
her puzzle was found.
She even brought “Mr. Right”—Steven by name—to my office, so
that I could meet him. Well, after talking to Steven alone and both of
them together, I was as thrilled as Barbara was. Steven was indeed a
wonderful man. They were both madly in love. It all seemed so right.
Quite soon, they married, and Barbara moved to the city where
Steven lived so that they could begin to “live happily ever after.” I
assumed that their fairy tale life was going well, but that’s when it
actually began to fall apart.
Barbara got scared again. Being that loved—and in love— was simply
too frightening. Despite her profound feelings for Steven and her deep
sense that he was “the” man for her, she began to obsess about the
fact that Steven still talked occasionally with an old girl friend—
although it was apparently just an old friendship and nothing romantic.
She persuaded herself that he was being indirectly unfaithful to her,
and left. After only two months, she moved back to her home town.
Needless to say, Steven came running after her, proclaiming his love
and innocence, begging her to return. However, Barbara refused, and
ended their relationship forever. Steven was devastated.
Barbara came to see me one more time, telling me the entire painful
saga. I empathized with her, and then tried to get her to look at her
fear—and how she had let it influence her decision to leave Steven.
Unfortunately, she was too fragile—well, on the surface she was too
convinced that she was “right”—to let herself go in that direction.
That’s the last I saw of Barbara. A friend of hers told me several years
later that she still had no “significant other” in her life.
I referred to this as a sad story. Not because I believe that it’s a crime
to say “no!” to life’s invitations. Rather, I found it sad because of the
human pain involved. Two beautiful and deserving people were
devastated—because one of them was running away from life. I felt
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genuinely bad for Barbara, and equally for Steven … for a missed
opportunity.
Barbara had a golden possibility to experience love … and bypassed it
because of her fear. Actually, I do think that Barbara deserves a lot of
credit—she bravely showed up for love. I admired her greatly for that
act of courage. When things got scary, though, she bolted back to
safety. For her, love ended at that point.
I see this same pattern with so many of us—we reject the very thing
we want or need the most. Why? Certainly, not because we want to.
It’s usually because we let our fears—rather than our hearts—dictate
our decisions.
Staying on the road of life
What can we do to keep ourselves moving along the path of life … and
not run away? How do we put our feet solidly onto the yellow brick
road, as Dorothy did, and keep going forward?
Observing Dorothy in Oz can give us some important hints about how
to deal with our fears. After all, her journey there was filled with more
scary events than most of us will face in our whole lives. If anyone had
an excuse to run, it was Dorothy. But she didn’t.
Dorothy’s experiences in Oz tell us a story about how to face our worst
fears—and conquer them. As we will see in the chapters that follow,
our heroine overcame every obstacle in her path—even to the point of
killing the dreaded Wicked Witch of the West—all because she was
willing to face each of those challenges head on. Sure, she often
wanted to run, but she didn’t. Instead, she forced herself to find her
own strength—whether she felt it at first or not—and take the next
step. And her first step was the yellow brick road.
How can we take our first brave steps out of confusion and fear? Here
are four ways to do it that deserve our consideration.
The approach that definitely doesn’t work
There’s one approach that has always boggled my mind. It goes like
this: “Hey, just deal with it!” The “it” could be our fear, our pain, our
vulnerability, our whatever. This well-meaning advice, of course, has its
creative variations: “You’ll get over it!” … “Forget about it!” … “Don’t
feel that way!” … and the like. How many times have you been given
this handy piece of advice? If you’re like me, I’m sure that it’s been to
no avail!
Theoretically, I suppose, such idealistic advice should work—we all
ought to be able to take charge of our feelings. The truth, however, is
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that most of us aren’t exactly that “in charge” of our lives. We aren’t
ready to “just deal with it.” The fact is, we’re human. And the human
scene is all about taking a journey, walking a path—not about being
perfect.
Ironically, as genuine as this guidance may be, it usually has the reverse
effect on us—it makes us feel even more inadequate. The irony of it all!
Note that Glinda didn’t respond to Dorothy’s plight by telling her to
“just deal with it.” Nor did she console her grief by saying, “You’ll get
over it.” Instead, Glinda tried a more genuine approach. She gave
Dorothy the benefit of her best thinking: “Go to the Wizard; he might
be able to help you.” She gave her something tangible, helpful, hopeful.
So, what if we simply forget the “Just deal with it!” method?
The Bold Approach
Let’s start with a strong, dynamic approach. I call this the “bold” style.
Many of us may not feel ready for this one, so don’t get discouraged if
it doesn’t have your name on it. Nonetheless, it’s very powerful, not to
mention doable—and so deserves to be on the top of our list.
Here it is. We boldly step onto the road of life, and push our way
forward, regardless of obstacles or roadblocks. We show up to whatever frightens us—even our most untouchable fears—and stare them
straight in the eye. We refuse to back down or get scared off. Well,
okay, let’s be more realistic—we show up, get scared, but don’t back
off anyway.
With this direct approach, we can adopt the attitude that “This is my
body, my emotion, my mind, and my life—and I’m in charge of it all.”
Then, we’re in a position to demand that any fear that’s living inside
us—no matter how previously impossible to “master”—hits the road.
Here’s an example.
Roger
Roger was a 35 year old door-to-door salesman who worked from his
home. He was married to a wonderful woman, and together they had
a delightful four year old girl. A happy family, a good life. Roger had
only one small concern.
He came to me for hypnosis, claiming that his sales weren’t at the level
he wanted them to be. According to him, his problem was a lack of
motivation. Roger just couldn’t get himself out the door and onto his
beat. He wanted hypnosis to help him become more confident and
motivated.
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Well, Roger’s description seemed to call for a simple enough approach
—give him hypnotic suggestions about “upping” his sales while
“downing” his feelings of inadequacy. A text-book case, right? A
psychologist’s dream.
So much for a nice theory. In reality, what lay ahead changed that
approach totally. Every time Roger got fully into a hypnotic state, his
“unconscious mind” simply took over … like it had been waiting for
years for this opportunity to express itself.
“I hate you! I’m gonna keep hurting you ! I’m gonna make you a total
failure, like you deserve to be. I’ll destroy everything you’ve ever
worked for in your life … then destroy you!” These shocking words,
and similar variations of them, were uttered through Roger’s voice not
once, but several times—with a hatred and vengeance that were quite
convincing.
Wow! Roger was visibly astounded to hear these vicious words
coming—clearly and powerfully—from himself. As he got more honest
about his life, he admitted that he not only couldn’t get himself out the
door in the mornings, he was compulsively bulimic—regularly overeating, then vomiting—as a way of punishing himself. As if that
weren’t enough, he had also developed another “bad habit”—he beat
his head against the wall whenever he was alone, to the point of
causing bleeding.
Something deep inside him was in charge—punishing him, destroying
him bit by bit. And now, finally, it was talking out loud.
It became obvious to me—and to Roger—that the least of his problems was a lack of motivation. What we had on our hands was a
full-fledged case of the Wicked Witch of the East! But this time the
Wicked Witch was not just “out there” in life. No, it lived inside Roger
… scaring him, incapacitating him and, yes, abusing him. Sounds like a
case for exorcism, doesn’t it?
Well, that’s exactly what we did, in our own way. By our sixth session,
it was clear that his “inner voice” had said all that it had to say. So I
told Roger that, during this session, he was going to come out of his
hypnotic state and get rid of that hateful “force” (as we had come to
call it) in whatever way he chose—without hurting his therapist, I was
quick to add. I also insisted that once expelled, the force had to remain
outside him. It could never come back into him again.
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That’s exactly what Roger did. He came out of his hypnotic state,
yelled and screamed loudly at his “Wicked Witch,” commanding it to
get out of him. Then—to make the point—proceeded to pound on my
office walls.
Well, he screamed and pounded … and screamed and pounded …
until he had put three sizable holes in my walls and a noticeable dent
in the door.
Finally, Roger had gotten it all out. He looked spent, yet curiously
alive, in charge. He took a deep breath, lay back down on my couch,
and quickly reentered a hypnotic state. As we explored his “unconscious mind” anew, sure enough—there was no hateful force to be
found. It was gone.
On his own, Roger came out of his hypnotic state a final time, sat up,
and vigorously announced to me, “I’m free! I can finally be myself! No
more abuse!” I felt the full truth of what he was saying.
We agreed that he would test out his freedom for six weeks, and then
come back if he needed me. At the end of that period, Roger phoned
and proudly informed me that he was still free of “the force.” Better
yet, he was achieving his sales goals. Best of all, he was happy—for
the first time in his life. I never saw Roger again, but my guess is that’s
he’s still free, still out there showing up for and enjoying life.
I was very proud of Roger, and felt myself celebrating his victory with
him. Whether you feel ready for such an ultimate showdown or not,
it’s heartening to know that many people like Roger exist. They are our
success stories, boldly moving forward in life. They remind us of what’s
possible for all of us … if we step onto the yellow brick road. Like
Roger, we can take that daring leap into freedom. Indeed, the bold
approach attacks our fears directly, but takes a large dose of courage to
pull off.
The Determined Approach
If we’re not quite ready to be so forceful, there’s another approach that
might suit us. Though somewhat less dramatic, this one can eventually
give us the same results. I call it the “determined” style.
This approach is for those of us who can’t quite believe that our fears
will simply go away at the snap of our fingers. It’s for us if, no matter
what we’ve done to help ourselves, our hesitation or fear keeps slipping
back into our lives. When we’re not feeling so confident that we can
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just power through the roadblocks, then we can take the time to tear
them down, one by one.
Darlene
Darlene was in her late forties, never married, with little happiness in
her life. Ironically, she was a professional psychotherapist, and had
helped many people find love and intimacy—her specialization was
relationships, and she was excellent at it. Yet, Darlene could never find
that love for herself. She was alone, and bored.
I found Darlene to be a lovable, genuine and sincere person. I liked her.
She had a good sense of her own sexuality and femininity. She would
have made a great partner for someone, except for one minor flaw—
she didn’t trust men. She felt especially at risk if she ever let her guard
down with a man.
When she asked me to be her therapist and help her “work on” this
issue, I knew that I had a real job on my hands. She had fallen in love
with her last therapist—choosing to love someone who was unavailable to her—and wound up feeling rejected. At this point, she was
dejected and discouraged. Like Barbara, she had opted to run away
from love—but she now wanted to try again … to engage with life.
I felt that she deserved a chance, and so said “yes” to her request.
Here’s what came to light. Darlene had been extra sensitive from birth
on—it’s just how she was. No matter who said anything to her, she
had felt hurt … or rejected … or criticized. On top of this, her father
was emotionally unavailable to her. As a teenager, Darlene began to
hide from relationships with boys. Even though she wanted to be
asked out on dates, it didn’t happen. She seemed to send out a signal
that said, “Keep away from me!”
Doing therapy with Darlene was tough and painful for both of us. She
tested me regularly: Was I accepting of her sensitivity? Did I care
about her? Would I criticize or condemn her? Would I let her get angry
with me? She often interpreted my words as a criticism or rejection,
got angry at me, then watched to see if I would still care about her.
She desperately needed an answer to the all-important question,
“How safe was it for her to be vulnerable?”
I must have passed all of Darlene’s tests, because eventually she could
face the cause of her distrust: She felt afraid that a man would wound
her deeply—maybe even destroy her—if she let her “feminine” side
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show. Being professional felt safe; being in charge felt safe … being
vulnerable and soft felt absolutely terrifying.
Here’s the “up” side of our sessions: Darlene finally felt safe with me.
From that point on, she let herself delve deeply into her feelings of
unworthiness. She faced her inadequacies directly, now refusing to
back off. Enlisting me as her guide, she waded through the swamp of
her fears … and came out on the other side.
Now to the real point. What Darlene did was to show up to her fear,
even though she felt paralyzed by it. Unlike Roger, she didn’t feel strong
enough to command it away in one fell swoop. But she stayed in the
game—despite the fact that her fear kept raising its ugly head at every
turn.
Are you ready for the happy ending? Darlene is now happily married.
Shortly after our therapy ended, she found a wonderful man who
wanted to love her. And guess what—she let him do it. It wasn’t easy
for her, but Darlene actually let herself be loved. As far as I know, they
are both living happily ever after … because she showed up.
I think it’s important to note that Darlene didn’t—and couldn’t—simply
command her fears away, as Roger did. They weren’t that pliable, and
she wasn’t ready to confront them all at once. Instead, she had to work
with her fears, honestly and painstakingly. Darlene moved herself
through them one step at a time … slowly seeing more and more
daylight at the end of the road. It was a tough, laborious approach,
and took great courage—but she did it. In my estimation, she gets the
“determination award” for commitment, perseverance and bravery.
The Cautious Approach
So, we have some folks who show up, and deal boldly and effectively
with their fears. Then, we have determined souls who also succeed at
facing life fully, but through long and laborious effort. Yet, while we’re
cheering them on—what about the rest of us? There are many of us
who do not quite make it into either of these categories. We don’t
necessarily find our way to the end of the road, but we try. Is there
no place for us on the journey?
I believe that there is. Let’s remember, life is a road to be walked, an
adventure to be lived. So what if we aren’t able to step onto the road
boldly and force our way through to our destination. So what if we’re
not ready even to trudge slowly but steadily toward our goal. Let’s not
be too quick to criticize ourselves if all we can manage is an occasional
stroll down the path, making the most of the rest stops.
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Yes, life is all about living. So, let’s say we choose to get out there and
walk the yellow brick road of life, but at the same time reserve the right
to hold onto some of our fears and anxieties. What about those of us
who move ahead cautiously, and take frequent detours at enticing
roadside attractions along the way? The best of both worlds, if you will.
While Dorothy acted boldly and bravely most of the time, she clearly
had her fears, worries and doubts. That’s what makes her such a
perfect mirror for us. We can identify with her, see ourselves in her.
We don’t have to feel like a failure if we’re … well … slow. You know
what I mean.
I’ve been privileged to be a helper to many people who have a sense of
purpose, or who feel called to a life of service or leadership. And even
some of them are “slow.” One such person was Joe.
Joe
Joe was preparing to run for election to an important government
office. He was in his late thirties, had the magnetism and the charm
needed to get elected, and was motivated by a genuine desire to serve
his constituents. Beyond that, he was simply a really likable person.
Joe had sought me out in order to focus on developing his leadership
skills. While blessed with a natural charisma, he had been plagued from
early childhood by a gripping sense of inadequacy. Joe questioned his
judgment, doubted his decisions, and wasn’t very sure of himself. While
he had developed a convincing facade, he knew that the scrutiny of
public office would soon bring to light his feelings of self-doubt, which,
according to Joe, simply had to go.
So, we began to work on it … and his inadequate feelings didn’t budge.
We continued, working harder … and Joe’s self-doubt persisted. So,
we got tough with it … and his unsureness dug in its heels even more.
Nothing was working. It was as though his feelings had a life and will
of their own. I got suspicious.
Finally, I said to Joe, “Something else is going on here, and we’ve got to
find out what it is. Whenever something resists that strongly, there’s
usually a pretty valid reason. And we’re about to discover what it is.”
Joe didn’t quite get my point, but agreed. So I changed our direction
completely. I asked, “Who are you, Joe?” Puzzled at the question, he
responded, “What do you mean? You know who I am!”
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“No, I don’t,” I replied. “I have a hunch that your inadequacy is not
your problem. I think your inadequacy is holding out for a more ‘real’
you to come out onto the stage. So, tell me … who are you?”
Joe started the predictable litany. “Well, I’m an attorney, a husband, a
father, a citizen” … and on and on. All the convenient, obvious labels
rolled off his lips. I stopped him. “Come on, Joe, get real with me. Who
are you—way down deep?”
He stopped himself, and looked deeply into my eyes. “Ohhh!” he
moaned, “I see … what … you … mean.” His tone got lower, his eyes
closed, he started to cry. Literally, Joe sobbed for ten minutes. No eye
contact with me … no words … only tears. In his tearful state, images
of himself as a child appeared to his mind—a conforming, adapting,
“good” boy.
Slowly, he opened his eyes, looked at me, and uttered his most “real”
words yet, “I don’t know who I am! I’ve never been who I am. I’ve just
been who they wanted me to be.”
There it was—the truth about Joe. He had never gotten around to
being himself. He was carrying around a persona, an artificial self—
delightful, likable, acceptable. But not real. Joe was living his idea of
who he thought he should be. He had no clue who he really was.
So, we spent our time searching for Joe‘s “real self.” Bit by bit, he got
some clues … and began to feel somewhat more tangible, solid, real.
He grew to see—and accept—himself more as he was. He even made
a few decisions to be more of his real self out there in his life, rather
than continue to act out the picture that he thought he “should” be.
But the truth is, Joe only took the first steps to being real. And he was
mildly successful. Joe went on to pursue his elected office, slightly
more confident in who he was. His inadequacy had lessened, but was
still a nagging distraction.
When Joe and I agreed to stop our sessions, he was aware that his
search for himself would probably be a lifetime project. For now,
though, he had taken that first important step. The rest would come
later.
Hooray for Joe! No, he didn’t break through to his final destination—
his fears weren’t fully gone; he wasn’t fully free. Nor did he persevere
on his long journey; he stopped midway.
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Nonetheless, I applaud Joe. Why? Because he tried. He stepped onto
the road, and made a genuine effort. What’s more, he’s now keeping
one foot out there. In my mind, that’s the most important thing—Joe
cares enough to keep trying. So he didn’t fully succeed! The point is, he
chose to step onto the yellow brick road of his life. Even with one foot
on the path, he’s on the journey.
You know what? Even if Joe had made no progress at all, I would still
give him a Certificate of Accomplishment. Why? Because he tried—of
course. But also, because “it’s better to have lived and lost than never to
have lived at all.” And Joe started to live.
Living life in the human lane
Let’s recap. Like Dorothy in Oz, we showed up here on earth—born
into a world with so many possibilities for having a good time. We were
excited and enthused. Gradually, though, we became confused by “life
as usual” here—its unpredictability, stresses, and uncertainties. It was
bewildering, and we felt afraid—the understandable “side effects” of
living in such a strange new land!
Like Dorothy, we wanted to run, or hide, or just pretend that it wasn’t
happening. Anything to get away from that unpleasant feeling of
uneasiness! At some point, though, we had to come to grips with a
profound realization—the only way to stop feeling this vague fear or
anxiety was to face it directly. That’s right, accept it as a reality that we
actually can make peace with—not by running from it, but by showing
up to it.
That’s when we had to make a decision: to live or not to live. To step
out onto the road of our life or sit it out. So, in our own way, we each
started living. We put our feet onto the yellow brick road. Hooray!
We’re on our way.
Oh boy … a travel bonus!
An interesting thing occurs when we stop running from our fears. Our
uneasiness starts to lessen. Our anxieties begin to diminish. Life here
stops feeling so overwhelming. We don’t feel quite so vulnerable.
Isn’t that great? Once we put our feet onto the road of life, we actually
start to feel more involved, more focused. We have a place to put our
energies, to direct our attention. Our fears just naturally transform into
feelings of hope. “You know what?” we think to ourselves, “I’m not just
a passive victim here. I can actually do something to better my lot.”
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That very thought—that we have the right to create our lives—puts us
into life’s flow. With that single mind-set, we’ve started to grasp how
life works here in our new land. We’re in the groove of life.
Yes, now that we’re on the road, we’re ready for our travel bonus. It’s
this—we feel less vulnerable and afraid. We feel more confident to
make the journey that earlier seemed so scary. We’re a participant in
life’s unfolding rhythm. Not bad, huh?
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Remembering . . .
... Remember—everyone else around you is just as afraid of life as you are.
They’re just better at hiding it. You’re not alone.
... You have more power to draw on than you think. You were born with it.
It’s “in reserve,” inside you. Keep looking for it—you’ll find it.
... The truth about you is this: You were born to take charge of your fears.
It’s your birthright to trust in yourself and to be in charge of your life.
... Your fear is a good sign. It means that you’re a feeling, caring person.
Be proud of your sensitive feelings—they will soon become your strength.
... Life here isn’t necessarily as serious or stressful as you think.
Lighten up—picture your life as lighter, more flowing—and see how it feels.
... Whatever you're afraid of, don’t run from it. Look it squarely in the eye.
You'll get farther if you face it head on than if you avoid it.
... Don’t let fear drive your life, or be a nagging back seat driver!
Put yourself behind the wheel, and drive … drive to your heart’s content.
... Get clear about what you're afraid of. Make your fears more tangible.
Vague anxieties are more difficult to conquer than clear-cut issues.
... Remember—Dorothy learned all about Oz by walking its scary path.
You can learn a lot about yourself—by walking headlong into your life.
... Don’t forget—you have your own ruby red slippers; they’re on your feet.
Even if you haven’t discovered their special powers, keep looking for them!
... You really can make your life work. Believe in yourself, with all your heart.
Keep reminding yourself—you’re the hero of your life. You can do this.
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2 Childhood
Surviving in a strange world
It’s a Munchkin’s life!
Childhood
Dorothy’s Journey
Munchkins were happy, lively, and playful by nature. Left to their own
devices, these unique people would laugh, sing, and play from morning
to night. The free spirits of Oz, they really knew how to have fun and
enjoy life.
Ahh, the power of fear!
Yet, as Glinda explained to Dorothy, these lovable folks weren’t at all
happy. The truth is, they were afraid. The Wicked Witch of the East
controlled and harassed them, day in and day out. These simple citizens
of Oz had one ever-present concern—that the hateful Witch would
punish them if they happened to offend her. Needless to say, the poor
Munchkins lived in fear. So much for their fun-loving spontaneity!
These unhappy people had to submit to the Wicked Witch’s rules.
They had no choice. To do anything else meant instant punishment—
maybe even death. Imagine what would have happened if they had tried
to think for themselves! Behaving properly—according to the demands
of the Witch—was the only way for them to feel safe and secure.
How sad the Munchkins must have been! Their life was filled with one
big preoccupation—feeling safe and secure.
Instead of enjoying each moment as they had been born to do, the
Munchkins could only live a life of forced obedience. We can only
imagine their enormous glee when they saw Dorothy’s house fall on
and kill their dreaded despot. They were finally free!
Good and evil
When Dorothy attempted to step back and grasp the big picture of her
strange, new world, here’s what she saw. The Wicked Witches of the
East and West spent their time controlling every creature in their
realm, while the Good Witches of the North and South tried to help
the inhabitants of Oz, giving them solace and hope whenever possible.
Dorothy was mystified by this puzzling theme of good and evil.
Everywhere she looked, the loving forces of good and the hateful
forces of evil had become an inevitable fact of life in Oz. There was no
escaping it. And everyone felt the pinch!
Dorothy jumps in
Of course, Dorothy would have preferred to remain only an observer of
the good versus evil dilemma. Unfortunately, though, she soon became
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an active player in this scary tug-of-war. She had unwittingly jumped
into Oz’s drama, and promptly became a central character. After all,
Dorothy had just killed the Wicked Witch of the East, even if she did
it unintentionally, and now wore her ruby slippers.
Glinda warned her about the Wicked Witch of the West. She told
Dorothy to be careful to avoid the Witch’s sinister traps on her way to
the Emerald City, lest the terrible Witch enslave her.
How stressful for Dorothy to learn that she was not exempt from the
clutches of the Witch! Now she not only had to find her way to the
Emerald City, she also had to protect herself from being harmed along
the way.
We can imagine how Dorothy must have felt—burdened, afraid! There
seemed no way to be free of the power of evil in this new world. And,
there was no way out, except to walk through it.
No wonder she wanted to get home as soon as possible! All the more
reason for her to find the Wonderful Wizard, and leave Oz behind
forever. “Emerald City, here I come!”
Childhood
Finding the Meaning
Like Dorothy in Oz, you and I jumped right into the pulls and tugs of
our world. It happened as soon as we took our first steps onto the path
of our lives and started to notice what was going on here. Sure enough,
we observed the contrasting forces of good and evil.
Life sure has its ups and downs
We began to discover values about right and wrong ... fair and unfair ...
good and bad. We quickly learned that sometimes what we did was
acceptable—and brought us cherished rewards—and sometimes it was
terribly unacceptable—then, ouch! We probably found this new system
quite interesting …and sometimes downright puzzling.
In fact, it became outright perplexing at times. All around us, we
noticed that some things felt wonderful, and others felt painful; some
people were loving, and others hateful; some situations were just, and
others unjust. It was like learning a whole new language!
Soon, though, we realized that our complicated human scene wasn’t so
bad. For one thing, most of us weren’t faced daily with threatening
wicked witches. Fortunately, the human experience wasn’t that scary!
Indeed, this good/ bad theme even had its lighter moments. Eventually,
we learned to have fun with it—watching thriller movies about cops
and robbers. We even got inspired by it—with saints to imitate and
sinners to renounce. We enjoyed the excitement of it—rooting for the
good guys, and booing the bad guys in our favorite sport. Yes, life’s
heroes and villains became true sources of entertainment—an engaging,
“fun” part of life. Not so bad, huh?
Human living as a morality play
So there we were, facing the up and down extremes of life. What to
do? We slowly concluded that we would make the most of this good/
bad theme, and engage more fully in life. We jumped right in, just like
Dorothy.
Here’s how we did it. As young children, we tried our best to “be
good”—just as our parents taught us. In school, we learned the do’s and
don’ts of getting ahead, and attempted to do what our teachers told us.
Then, as we got older, we developed more personal values—our own
“principles to live by”—centered around what we understood to be
right or wrong. You get the picture. We gradually took on beliefs and
attitudes to help us choose good and avoid evil. We called it morality.
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Are there any side effects, Doctor?
Like most people, though, you and I have ambivalent feelings about
being actors in life’s morality play. For example, we certainly enjoy the
rewards of conformity, but often resent being told what to do. And
here’s the odd thing—no matter how hard we try to be “good,” we find
that we also miss our freedom just to be “ourselves.”
So, it’s understandable for us to ask the inevitable question: What’s the
down side of the morality play? Are there any negative side effects to
living life this way?
The Munchkins have had a lot of experience living with this good /evil
theme. They can help us with the answer. “For starters,” they would
point out, “because we were so preoccupied with pleasing the Wicked
Witch, we missed all the beauty and wonder of Oz. We didn’t even
see it.” It’s the same for us. How often—because of the identical
preoccupation—do we forget to “smell the roses” or enjoy the awesome sunrises?
Second, the Munchkins would tell us that their days were filled with
anxiety. “That’s right!” they would emphasize, “We always had to
worry about our safety and security. We could never stop being
vigilant.” Like them, when we feel vulnerable, what do we do?
Understandably, we worry and fret.
Third, they would tell us that life felt heavy to them. “We saw life as a
series of problems to confront and barriers to overcome. We were so
burdened with our difficulties that we constantly felt weighed down.”
Like the Munchkins, we live with the same three side effects—we also
miss the beauty that abounds around us; we worry too much about our
safety; and we feel weighed down by the burden of life.
Let’s be realistic. For most of us, this good/evil theme is so thoroughly
commonplace, so “every day living,” that we take it for granted. We
don’t even think about it. It has become the accepted background music
of our lives, quietly playing its tune as we go about our daily business.
If asked, we would explain that these nagging side effects are just a
natural part of life. Uncomfortable, yes … irritating, yes … but, “after
all, that’s just the way life is!”
Yet, we can’t ignore these side effects for too long. Over time, they
become bothersome and unpleasant. We have to do something about
them. That’s our next step—we figure out how to cope with them.
Childhood
How to cope?
Okay, what do we do when we don’t feel safe? How do we try to turn
our stress into strength … our preoccupation into power? Those are
the questions we face—the very same ones faced by the Munchkins—
when it comes time for us to “cope.”
Well, let’s assume that we jump in with both feet. We reason most
emphatically, “If our main problem is that we just don’t feel safe here,
then there’s one surefire way to cope—do whatever we can to feel safe!”
Logical, right? And that’s exactly what we do! We reach out for triedand-true ways to feel safe and secure—sheltered from danger …
shielded from harm … protected from pain.
So, how do we do it? To put it simply, we look for safety and security
wherever we can find them! Putting our creative ingenuity into our
search, we find three different approaches:
• Conforming. If we obey the rules and fit in, who can find fault with
us? “So,” we reason, “the best way to feel safe and secure is to be
agreeable, submissive.” By conforming, we build our lives around
being a follower. “Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it” … “Your
wish is my command.”
• Withdrawing. Another path to feeling secure is simply to become
invisible. Our strategy—“The best way to play it safe is not to play
at all.” So, we hide who we really are; never take risks. We express
no opinions or thoughts of our own—we say nothing. We become
inhibited and quiet, hoping not to be seen. “Yes,” we reason, “being
invisible is the surest way to safety. I can’t be punished (criticized,
condemned), if nobody even notices me!”
• Overachieving. In this approach, “the best defense is a good offense.”
So, instead of trying to avoid punishment, we go for the rewards.
We earn the A’s in school … become the company’s best salesperson
… stand out as champions of the cause. You get the picture. After
all, who can find fault with the star of the team? That’s safety.
Three ways of coping—conforming, withdrawing, and overachieving—
three surefire strategies to feel safe in an unsafe-feeling world.
I bet the Munchkins lived the same way whenever they felt vulnerable.
Under the control of the Wicked Witch, they had no choice but to use
these same resourceful tactics. Whether Munchkins or humans, when
we’re under pressure—under the gun of our own Wicked Witch—we
react rather than act. We conform—or withdraw or overachieve—
rather than think for ourselves or take a risk. It’s just Munchkin nature
… and human nature.
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And that’s okay. The important thing is this—we’re doing the best we
can under the circumstances. These approaches kept the Munchkins
alive while they waited for a brighter day. They can do the same for us.
So, for the time being, let’s celebrate the Munchkins’—and our own—
inventiveness!
Our Journey
We actually spend a significant period of our lives—most of our childhood—living as Munchkins. Not that most of us live in paralyzing fear.
Of course not! It’s just that, as children, our lives are all about feeling
safe and secure. We naturally conform and fit in. We instinctively
arrange our thoughts in black and white simplicity. We see life as a
series of rules to live by, a system of do’s and don’ts. It’s the best we can
do with the developing mind that we’ve got.
We also build our lives around obeying those rules—or at least trying to
obey them. As children, it’s our nature to attempt to be “good” boys
and girls. For us, pleasing makes sense; it’s the “right” thing to do. In
fact, our compliance gives us some powerful benefits. For example:
Childhood
• We feel safe, protected and secure. No need to worry about anything!
We’re taken care of—under the wing of a more powerful protector!
• We feel like we belong. When we’re a part of an organization or
family, we’re not alone. “Membership has its privileges”—first and
foremost, feeling the strength of someone or something bigger.
• We experience a positive self-concept. When others approve of us,
we automatically feel good about ourselves. When they like us, we
like ourselves. We know that we’re okay.
You know, these are mighty and important perks. For one thing, we feel
great when we experience them! More important, though, once these
goodies are solidly established in our hearts, we’re ready to stand tall
and proclaim:
Our Individuality
Our son, Eric, demonstrated this magical moment one day, when he
was about nineteen months old. He stood proudly on our big couch,
shoulders back, chest high, and shouted exuberantly, “Me! … Me! …
Me!” repeatedly. It was obvious from the majestic style in which he did
it—including the Tarzan-like way that he beat his fists on his chest—
that he had just realized some profound truth. Yes, it had come to him
that he was no longer just an extension of his parents—indeed, he was
really himself. He was now celebrating a revelation: He was alive, his
own individual; he had come into his “personhood.” Now he could
start living his life (enter, stage left, the “terrible two’s!”).
I’m convinced that this special moment was as meaningful to his
mother and me as it was to Eric. What a rewarding experience to see
your offspring feel that good about being who he is.
Yet, our precious son couldn’t have gotten to that impressive point
unless, down deep in his core, he had felt safe and secure. His earlier
experience of being loved and of conforming to our expectations gave
him the foundation—that feeling of protectedness—to get him to this
next important moment. In our eyes, he had been our Munchkin—and
a delightful one at that. Like Oz’s Munchkins, he had conformed and
obeyed; he hadn’t thought much for himself; he let his parents be in
charge—at least up to this point. That’s Munchkinhood! And it has its
definite rewards—its couch standing, Tarzan-fisted, “I’m Me!” results.
Growing up on both sides of the coin
Isn’t childhood a puzzling time? If your childhood was like mine, you are
probably filled with both pleasant and unpleasant memories.
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Here’s the pleasant part—the times when you thought, “Wow, it’s so
great to be a kid!” Remember? You had few responsibilities, and were
free to just play and enjoy life. You were taken care of—somebody
else handled all your difficulties. Your main job in life was to explore
and imagine, to drink in all that parental love, to enjoy being protected
and nurtured. No major worries, responsibilities or problems. Wow,
the positive side of Munchkinhood! What bliss! What more could you
ask for?
Of course, you might want it to continue forever. But it didn’t, nor
should it. After a time, your parents started requiring you to take more
responsibility for yourself—like tying your own shoes, dressing yourself,
or taking out the garbage. They began to change the comforting rules
of life How could they! The sobering truth was this—bit by bit, you had
to start handling life’s responsibilities all by yourself.
A Five Year Old’s View
I vividly remember that turning point in my own childhood. I was five
years old. One September morning, I was standing at the window
watching my older brother, my ever present playmate until that
moment, go off to face his first day of school, leaving me behind. A
few minutes later, I saw my father depart for his job, and my mother,
who worked in the home, move into her duties. There I was, standing
all alone.
What I remember most about that moment was the unexpected
thought that accompanied it, the unique “aha!” that played out in my
mind. It went something like this, “Oh, I get it! Life works this way:
We’re free to have fun until we start school; that’s when our party
time stops, and we have to get serious. After many years of school, we
get a job—more responsibility, more burden—and the job lasts until
we’re too worn out to do anything more. So, when we’re very old, we
retire—and die shortly after that!” How’s that for a five year old’s
uplifting philosophy of life?
Humorous as those ever-so-logical thoughts are now, at the time one
thing stood out in my mind: I was facing my last year of happiness
before a lifetime of responsibility and seriousness set in. Would you
believe—I wasn’t exactly looking forward to growing up?
I think that my experience summarizes what the Munchkins must have
felt in Oz. Once they surrendered to their life of conformity, they kissed
fun and games good-bye. From then on, it was all work and no play—at
Childhood
least till Dorothy came along and rescued them. Likewise for us—as the
following story demonstrates:
Roberto
Roberto was a forty year old Italian man who had been in the United
States for ten years. He enjoyed a reputation as a dynamic leader in an
international organization, and was admired by everyone who knew
him. He came to me a few months before being transferred to another
city for a well earned promotion to a more important international
position.
Roberto was a truly likable man. He exuded charm and charisma. He
was sensitive and feeling, yet strongly intellectual and focused—
balanced and well-rounded. He was obviously gifted in every way,
and was noted for his global vision. He and I enjoyed an immediate
rapport, as I asked him why he sought me out.
“Because I heard that you are good at helping leaders,” he replied, “and
I have no one else to talk to about this.” Roberto went on to explain
that, despite being seen by everyone as an exceptional leader, he was
terrified of taking on his next assignment.
“What’s your terror all about?” I asked him.
“Well, I don’t exactly know,” he replied, “but I think it’s a leftover from
my childhood.” He went on to explain that he was raised in a loving
and secure family, with servants to care for his every need and parents
doting over him at every turn. An ideal childhood, wouldn’t you say?
There was certainly no Wicked Witch in this scenario. Indeed, he
loved every minute of it, but, as he explained, “I felt unready and
uneasy when I had to grow up and face life. Being adult always
seemed so heavy, so serious. So I faked it!”
As I explored this feeling with him, Roberto told me that, while he
always succeeded in school and career (apparently, he “faked” it very
well!), deep in his gut he was afraid. What a dilemma! Here he was—
a true success, a picture of confidence, a born leader—but deep down
he felt unsure, unprepared, unsafe. Imagine Roberto’s pain at living this
double life!
The only way Roberto knew to stop feeling his inner uneasiness was
to show everyone how good he was—by overachieving. It was his
ticket to relative safety and security. To his credit, he pulled it off
magnificently—everyone thought that he was totally in charge of
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every moment. But it was only a pretense. Inside, he didn’t feel at all
in charge. He had convinced everyone except himself. At the bottom
line, whenever Roberto was alone and got really honest with himself,
he knew what a lie his life was.
Most of us, I believe, are like Roberto. Whether our childhood was as
ideal as his, or filled with lots of undesirable “stuff,” we all have to
confront the same challenge as we put our feet down on the yellow
brick road of life—we feel afraid and lack confidence. At that point,
we’re face-to-face with the all important question: How do we feel
safe on the scary road of life?
Roberto tried to feel safe, of course, by overachieving. He became a
model of pleasing through accomplishment. However, he had reached
a point where this familiar style of coping stopped feeling good. He still
felt unsafe, and now had to do something about it.
I challenged Roberto: Was he willing to make a really big leap into
being himself? If so, was he ready to explore—and take charge of—
his own insides and his feelings of uneasiness? On the outside, was
he ready to let go of his pleasing and conforming style and base his
actions on “just being Roberto?” Was he ready to stop seeing every
challenge in life as a “do or die” experience?
Roberto didn’t know how to pull off any of these steps, but he was
very ready to try. He realized that, under the pressure of his new
position in a new city, he would crack if he didn’t change. Yes, he had
hit the point of no return. It was now or never. So he expressed a
decisive “Yes!”
In the few months we had before Roberto moved away, he worked
long and hard on changing his old ways of coping (we could even say
that he overachieved at it!). He came to see how he had interpreted
his loving childhood as evidence that he would continue to need
approval from others for the rest of his life, that he couldn’t face life all
alone. He also realized that he hadn’t ever allowed himself to just be
himself, “as is”—or to see himself as the true authority of his life. With
these realizations, Roberto made some powerful breakthroughs.
First, he began to experience how satisfying it was just to be himself—
outside of the context of pleasing anybody else. He called it “plugging
into” his real self. Second, he started to see himself as the most reliable
authority in his life—one he now learned to trust and honor. Finally, he
challenged himself to let go of his learned fear and put his “real self ”
out there in life. He did a superb job.
Childhood
Actually, Roberto discovered something unexpected—his external
actions didn’t change much at all. Yet, his inner motivation and feelings
did! Roberto felt different; he felt real. By the time of his relocation, he
felt courageous and confident enough to move on with excitement and
anticipation.
Roberto’s story reveals an important principle: If we don’t feel safe and
secure, life can become downright overwhelming. In fact, it can start to
feel like a big, bad Wicked Witch breathing down our neck!
Fortunately, Roberto took the plunge beyond his Munchkinlike past. He
showed us that, when childhood strategies no longer work for us, there
is something we can do about it. I was very proud of Roberto. After
years of feeling stuck in a state of uncertainty, he stepped out onto the
yellow brick road of life. He stopped being a Munchkin.
Conformity for adults
Yes, there comes a point when it’s time to move on … to leave our
treasured Munchkinhood behind. At some point in our lives, we begin
to feel an inner urge to stop conforming. We experience a desire to
become less dependent; we start to feel less needy.
Yes, all of a sudden, obeying stops feeling so rewarding; in fact, it
starts to feel confining. We no longer want to feel secure—we want
to feel alive. We no longer revel in our dependency—we begin to crave
our independence. We want to make our own decisions, to lead our
own lives.
That urge usually begins when we become teenagers—though it can
really happen at any time in our lives. It can hit us when we’re fifteen,
twenty-five, forty or sixty-five. It happens when, no matter how old
we are, something deep inside us starts to speak in ways that we can’t
ignore. It’s an urge, a drive, a gripping force that we can feel way down
deep in our gut proclaiming, “It’s time to move on!”
Movin’ on up
That’s when we start to say good-bye to our Munchkinhood. So what
do we do? We stop conforming; we start to think for ourselves; we
become individuals. We move out of our predictable world of safety,
and find a new comfort in the world of unknowns. We say “yes” to
life’s bigger possibilities. We start to grow up.
A friend of mine demonstrated how this driving urge works, in a
gripping way.
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Michael
Michael was in his early sixties when I met him. He had never married
but was everybody’s friend. He was an exuberant personality, and
instantly loved by everyone who knew him. Needless to say, Michael
was the life of any party. He and I fast became good friends.
Michael’s father had left him a lot of money, most of which he had
lovingly, though imprudently, given away to friends in need over the
years. Get the picture? Michael needed friends, needed to be loved.
Yet, underneath all his lovingness, he was depressed. When alone—
when people weren’t around to keep him “on stage”—he felt empty
and sad. No one knew it; it was Michael’s little secret. But it was no
longer a “little” problem. He noticed that he was spending more and
more time alone, sad, depressed and increasingly worried; he was
losing it.
Michael approached me for help, mentioning that he had seen countless
therapists over the years for this same complaint—all to no avail. He
looked visibly scared as he talked about facing his last years in life
unhappy and alone. “I can’t go on like this any longer,” he confessed to
me. “Before I die, I have to lick this thing. I can’t live this way any
more.”
Well, doing therapy with Michael was a real challenge. He was right—
his depression was deeply rooted. While he had been loved by his
parents, they were more than a little “dysfunctional.” In fact, they were
drastically self-centered, and spent most of their time pursuing their
own social and political interests. The result: Michael felt emotionally
abandoned … all alone to take care of himself … unloved. He was
deeply wounded.
You’ve guessed the rest by now, I’m sure. Michael never got his needs
for security met as a child, and so he brought them as constant
companions into his adult life. He developed relationships with people
who needed him—often rescuing them with money and other favors—
mainly because he needed to be needed.
So we worked and worked on his depression. Bit by bit, Michael got a
hold on it. He saw more and more clearly that beneath his depression
lay a beautiful human being. Yes, he was beautiful … and he deserved
to be loved. Even though his parents could never see it, he realized that
I could see his beauty. From there, he could at last—in his mid-sixties
—discover his innate lovableness, his deserving self. Like my son, he
Childhood
could finally say “Me! … Me! … Me!” with all his heart … and love
himself.
To make a long story short, Michael felt markedly better and better
about himself. He actually learned to love himself just as he was.
He let go of feeling unlovable, undesirable. Over time, he felt less
emotional pain in his alone times, and more and more at peace.
What moved me deeply was this—Michael telephoned me on the
evening before going to the hospital for a routine surgery. He confided
to me that “I finally feel 100 percent happy and peaceful in my heart.
I finally feel the love I’ve wanted to feel all my life!” After more than
sixty years of painful Munchkinhood, he had finally moved to a bigger
world, one where he could now find love and peace. His joy and
gratitude were enormous.
Michael finally grew up—not as a teenager, but in his sixties. He left
behind his life of neediness and security—and began to feel alive. He
heard, and answered, his heart’s desire—to let love, not need, guide
him through the rest of his life.
Ironically, the rest of his life was quite short. Due to complications
from the surgery, he suffered a series of drastic medical setbacks …
and was soon gone. After the shock and sadness of my friend’s passing
had cleared from my heart, I found myself feeling very happy for
Michael. I was happy that he had been able to achieve his life’s dream
“just in time” … happy that he had finally graduated from the school of
Munchkinhood … happy that he felt so alive in his last moments of life.
Michael is a wonderful example of someone for whom safety and
security had become out of date—even painful. He shows us how
possible it is to leave behind the neediness of our childhood and to walk
onto the yellow brick road of life in an entirely new way—no matter
how old we are. Michael finally allowed himself to feel the love in his
heart. Bravo, Michael!
I won’t grow up . . . I just wanna go home!
In the meantime, let’s be realistic. Unlike Michael, many of us don’t
grow up. We don’t move on. We remain Munchkins, well into our
adulthood and throughout our lives—just like Michael had before his
decision to break free. We continue to cling to safety and security. We
keep right on conforming and obeying. Yes, we choose comfort over risk
taking, conformity over responsibility. Our personal motto is “personal
fulfillment through security.” We never let go.
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Miriam
After I completed my doctorate, my first job was as a psychologist in a
university counseling center. Toward the end of my first year there, a
young woman came to me. Miriam was a senior, about to graduate.
I had no idea what was in store for me as I asked Miriam why she was
there. She started out stating that her friends had urged her to come to
talk about her occupational goals. She had majored in history, and
would soon be qualified to teach school. But she had little enthusiasm
or motivation for going this direction.
Naively, I thought that Miriam wanted to explore other occupational
possibilities. So I asked her what else interested her.
“Nothing … nothing at all,” she replied rather sheepishly. “You see, I
don’t really want to work. I don’t want to do anything except ….” Her
words dwindled into nothingness.
I softly encouraged her to be more specific. “Well, to be honest with
you,” she continued, “I just want to live with my parents. I love my
parents. I feel good when I’m with them. I’ve hated being at college
these last four years, because, frankly, I miss my parents too much.”
I can’t tell you how astonished I was. Most of the other college
students I had counseled reveled in their newfound freedoms. They
were looking forward to building their own life … away from their
parents. This young woman’s desires were certainly a notable contrast!
As we explored Miriam’s desires to stay forever with her parents, I
discovered that she wasn’t at all motivated by a loving desire to take
care of them. No, in fact, she only wanted to continue bask in the love
and care that they would give her.
I tried in vain to help her see how “holding on” to her parents was
counterproductive—how it would just make the inevitable break when
they died even more difficult. I tried, again in vain, to help her explore
her fear of facing life as her own person. Nope, she didn’t want to—
and refused to—go those directions.
“All I want,” Miriam insisted, “is to live forever with my parents. I need
them. I want them. I just don’t care about anything else. I don’t want
to live my own life, not at all!” She was definitive and emphatic. Case
closed!
Well, what’s a therapist to do? I certainly didn’t want to reinforce what
didn’t seem healthy for her—that is, staying forever with her parents.
Childhood
Yet, it was obvious that she would in no way consider any other
alternative. Yes, it looked like the case was closed!
I decided that perhaps talking to Miriam’s parents might present a
breakthrough. So, with Miriam’s permission, I called and asked them
to come see me. They did, and—again to my amazement—indicated
that they found nothing at all out of the ordinary about their daughter
coming home to live with them, with no job and no life. Using my
remarkable therapeutic skills, I got nowhere with them either. It
seemed that the three of them planned to live happily ever after
together. End of discussion.
All I could do was to recommend to the happy threesome that, if in
the future any one of them started to feel less than great about their
situation, they explore doing it differently at that time.
This is certainly a rather extreme example. After all, how many young
adults do you know who simply can’t leave home because they don’t
want a life of their own? Not many.
As uncommon as it is, however, Miriam’s story reminds us how
tempting it is not to grow up. When I was five years old, watching
my brother go off to school all alone, I would have voted for perpetual
childhood all the way! How understandable it is to want to stay in the
protective, secure world of a child … of a Munchkin.
Having a foot in both camps
So, let’s not be too quick to judge this extreme situation. Look around.
Don’t we see instances of this childlike approach all over? Not to the
extent Miriam did it, of course, but in smaller ways. Most of us keep
one foot in the world of childhood, while the other foot is out there on
the road of life.
For example, how many business people have you known who think
quite freely and independently in the work world, but remain
dependent and conforming in their family or religious views?
The Religious Dilemma
During the time that I was a Catholic priest, I would often encounter
intelligent, successful people who were outstanding leaders in their
fields. They lived on the cutting edge of technology, took risks in
business, and weren’t at all afraid to question the system. Yet, in their
religious lives, they were often Munchkins. They wanted to be led, not
to lead. They preferred being told what to do rather than thinking for
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themselves. They were, it seemed to me, like two different people—
one an adult, the other a perennial child—coexisting in one body.
At the time, I was aghast at such a “split personality.” Perhaps counter
to the stereotype, I defined my own priestly role as that of helping
people take responsibility for themselves, not be blind followers. (You
can imagine how smoothly I “fit” in a traditional Church setting!)
Indeed, it just didn’t make sense to me. How could these people be
independent thinkers in one area of their lives and dependent thinkers
in others? Oh, the mystery of life!
In my interactions with these people, I quickly discovered another
aspect of their dual mindsets—they liked it that way. Part of them
actually preferred to remain a Munchkin. In fact, they saw no contradiction whatever in being religiously childlike and occupationally
adultlike.
On one occasion, I was trying to help one of these adult Munchkins
make his own decision about something. He finally got so frustrated
with me that he yelled out, “Damn it, Father, will you just tell me what
to do? I don’t want to think for myself. I don’t want the responsibility
for my moral behavior! That’s why I’m here, so that I can just follow
your direction. So, once and for all, tell me what I should do!”
The following seconds were comical. Just as the last words were out
of his mouth, he caught himself, realizing how un-Munchkinlike he was
being. He was immediately embarrassed. For my part, the irony of the
situation tickled my funny bone, and I immediately burst out laughing.
To this day, I don’t remember how we resolved the situation, but my
best guess is that I felt touched enough by his frustration that I went
against my principles, and told him what to do.
This split personality is not at all confined to religion, however. We all
know people who are masters of individuality with their friends and
acquaintances, but still remain pleasing oriented and needy in their
intimate relationships. Delila was one of these.
Delila
Delila, a woman in her mid-thirties, showed up at one of my seminars.
She was unmarried, because she had dedicated herself to her career
and “mission.” She wanted to make a difference in the world, and was
already a noted leader in a well-known cause.
Childhood
When she entered the seminar, she was trying to make a decision
about whether or not to marry. Would marriage take her focus away
from her important work? Could she be a professional worker and a
devoted spouse at the same time? She struggled with the same issues
that everyone with similar priorities has to face.
Well, in attempting to “be all that she could be,” Delila decided to go
ahead and marry what’s his name. “After all,” she told me, “I’ve never
tested out how good or bad I am at intimacy. So, why not take the
plunge?”
Little did she know what she was diving into. I had never met what’s
his name, so I had no idea how the relationship would be. Here’s what
happened.
Delila became a doormat. She did whatever her new husband wanted,
without thinking. Her career soon gave way to the “needs” of the
relationship—that is, to whatever her husband wanted her to do. Yes,
what’s-his-name was certainly a dominant person, but what was so
mind-boggling was this—it was Delila herself who willingly gave up her
independence.
Delila came back to me about a year later, confessing her dilemma.
She saw how compliant and childlike she had become—traits that
were nowhere to be found in her before the marriage. She was in
shock. How could she, with her prior reputation for “individuality,”
have become such a Munchkin? By exploring her own past, here’s
what she found.
Delila had no idea that there lived inside her a little girl who wanted
security. She had so devoted her life to being an “adult” that she had
neglected to notice an “inner child” whose needs for protection and
security were still quite strong. Once married, she watched in total
amazement as that inner child not only surfaced, but took over her life.
I assured her that I had seen that same phenomenon many times over,
in women and men alike. I emphasized that it’s usually only in the deep
intimacy of a committed relationship that those profound needs for
safety can surface. Once they’ve come out to breathe the fresh air,
they don’t usually feel like going back inside. So, we tend to stay in the
security of the relationship. We become Munchkins—and obey and
comply, no matter what. It feels so good to be taken care of!
Yes, Delila mixed and matched—she was an adult out there in life and a
child at home. Another split personality. Again, though, let’s not be too
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quick to judge her. There’s a little bit of Delila in every one of us. Few of
us are completely free of the need for security and protection.
Let’s see if she stayed an emotional Munchkin, or if she did something
about it.
Delila at first wanted to run—my, how she wanted to run!—but
wasn’t so sure that divorce was in her best interest. She wisely
thought, “I’m afraid that, if I divorce him and go my merry way, I’ll just
face the same situation if I ever fall in love again.” So, she decided to
stay, and we began in earnest to help her develop an entirely new
relationship with her inner child.
What happened is this: Delila grew up emotionally. She found ways to
give herself the very security she was seeking from her husband.
Ironically, he even seemed relieved as Delila slowly stopped centering
her life so totally around him. With commitment and lots of work, they
spent the next couple of years redefining their relationship—trying to
live together as adults. To their credit, it worked. Now they’re actually
living happily ever after. All because Delila was willing to grow up.
You get the point, I’m sure. Most of us grow up in some ways and not
in others. We become masters of our own destiny, think for ourselves,
and accept full responsibility for our lives in some ways. Yet, in other
arenas, we remain children, Munchkins, security oriented, safety
seeking. In these areas, we never lose our childhood fear of painful
consequences; we keep right on working hard for love and acceptability.
We live life looking for others to approve of us … to tell us that we’re
okay.
The down side of staying a Munchkin …
Oh, how I love to be right!
What do you think happens if we never leave Munchkinhood behind—
that is, if we stay conforming and obedient our whole lives? Of course,
there are many positive aspects to perpetual Munchkinhood. We’ll get
to those in a moment.
First, however, a negative side effect can start to raise its head. It’s this:
We find ourselves starting to justify our conformity. Here’s what I
mean—in our minds, conforming is not only the safe way to live, it
becomes the way to do life. Being right becomes our major concern.
No wonder Munchkinhood for Adults appeals to so many of us!
How many adults do you know who go through their lives still afraid—
afraid to think for themselves, afraid to act on their own instincts, afraid
to trust their own consciences? Well, instead of trying to take charge of
Childhood
their fears, as Dorothy did in Oz, here’s what these well-meaning adult
Munchkins do. They bypass their fears—as best they can—and dedicate
their lives to doing the right thing.
You got it—when we’re right, we’re safe. No fear of punishment, or
rejection, or hurt! How much more secure can you get!
The best part of this logic comes next. “If it’s right for me, it’s got to be
right for everyone else!”
Henry and Rita
I spent several years specializing in relationship and marriage counseling. One couple that I tried to help proved to be a real challenge.
Henry and Rita were in their mid-thirties, quite successful in life, with
three robust children. Their problem: they argued constantly.
Henry was a medical doctor, and Rita was in a graduate program in
the sciences. To say that they were both “heady” was something of an
understatement. These bold intellects would argue for hours at a time
about who was right and who was wrong. About what, you ask?
About anything, about everything, about nothing—it didn’t matter.
Their main preoccupation seemed to be to “one-up” their partner, to
be superior, to be right. Using their best logic, the quest to outsmart
each other went on … and on … and on. At home and, unfortunately,
in my office. The caustic married couple in Who’s Afraid of Virginia
Woolf? had nothing on this tireless twosome.
As you can imagine, I was trying to shift their focus from “rightness”
to love. In my mind, it was only the power of their love for each other
that could save them from the pit of competition into which they had
fallen. Rita did her best to make this giant leap into love, but she so
needed Henry’s approval that, whenever he would challenge her to
an argument, she meekly complied. Rita couldn’t make the shift on
her own.
One day, my best efforts to change the focus from reason to feeling
seemed to be failing miserably. I figured that it was time to get to the
bottom line. So, I turned to Henry and said, with genuine feeling,
“Henry, tell me this. Would you rather be right in relation to Rita, or
would you rather be loving toward her?”
Of course, being such a marvelous therapist, I thought that this deeply
insightful question would certainly turn the tide. After all, what could
he say? His answer was predictable. Just like in the movies, surely
Henry would realize the error of his ways, look compassionately at
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Rita, and hold her in a deep, meaningful embrace. Hooray! Love wins
again! Forgive me—my fantasy got away from me for a moment.
Here’s what really happened.
Henry looked at me as though I’d just asked him the world’s most
ridiculous question. With a solid stare, he puffed up his chest, and in
full honesty blurted out his response, “I’d rather be right, of course!”
Aren’t my therapeutic skills astounding!
I think Henry and Rita are a good example of how we can use “being
right” to cover up our fears. Here’s the thinking: “Look, if I’m wrong,
then I’m vulnerable, and may have to feel bad about myself. But if I can
convince myself that I’m right, then I’m safe. Safe from my spouse …
safe from love … even safe from my fears.”Yes, Henry had himself
convinced that he was right—he even built his marriage around this
premise. So long as he could keep making Rita “wrong,” he was safe.
Well, you’re probably wondering what happened to Henry and Rita.
As you can imagine, they ultimately discovered that underneath their
vicious arguing lay—no, it wasn’t love, as I had hoped—a lot of
emotional pain. It was a pain that Henry wasn’t willing to see, let
alone confront. Rita was more than willing to deal with hers, though,
and did so successfully over the next several months. Eventually, they
divorced—once Rita got healthy enough to move away from being
“right,” and move into being real.
As I see it, Henry remained a Munchkin, spending his life hiding behind
being right. Several years later, I heard that he had gone through two
other marriages after Rita.
In contrast, Rita grew up, opening herself to a life beyond conformity
and safety. Once healed of her pain, she embraced a life of love, and
began to experience the adventure of life—far beyond what she had
known.
How comforting it can feel to be certain! How safe it feels to have the
right philosophy, religion, belief! How confident we can be when we
have the correct opinion, values, or politics! Yes, if safety is our main
quest in life, being right, we tell ourselves, will surely get us there. With
rightness as our banner, we can go on forever enjoying the guaranteed
safety of Munchkinhood.
Or so it seems! Granted, being right is comforting in certain ways. Yet,
when we put most of our eggs in that basket, we miss so much of
what life has to offer us. Yes, just waiting for us on the other side of
rightness lie life’s bigger possibilities—loving, being creative, exploring
Childhood
freedom, feeling alive, and so much more. In short, as rewarding as
feeling safe is, it’s only the launching point for incredibly rich adventures
down the road.
Our right to choose
Now for the bottom line. We always have a choice. That’s right. We
can stay safe and secure, or we can move on to savor the delicious
complexity and variety life has in store for us. We can choose to remain
Munchkins—as Henry did. Or, we can decide to move on to other
possibilities—like Rita. It’s our call.
The up side of staying a Munchkin …
So what about those of us who choose to remain Munchkins—whether
entirely or partially? After all, we do need to feel safe—and “fitting in”
certainly gives us that feeling. Suppose we choose the tried-and-true
over the unknown … security over adventure. What about us?
It’s okay, that’s what! If we make conformity our style of living, we’re
not doomed to a life of misery. Not at all. We can not only make the
best of it, we can actually make Munchkinhood work quite well for us.
Yes, there’s definitely a “good news” side to Munchkinhood. It’s this—
for us, life continues to be simple, not complex … black and white, not
gray. Our moral decisions are clear and constant. With rules and values
to guide us, we need only choose good over bad, right over wrong. In
our relationships, we can find real joy in pleasing partners and friends.
In our jobs, we can discover our fulfillment in belonging and being loyal.
What’s wrong with that?
In fact, what a great way to spend our lives! Our adult Munchkinhood
keeps us feeling safe and protected in an otherwise not-so-safe-feeling
world. To me, Cindy stands out as a sterling example of a healthy adult
Munchkin.
Cindy
For several years, I served as the director of a community mental
health center. A few months after I arrived, I had the opportunity to
hire a new office manager. Cindy was a happily married woman in her
thirties, and the devoted mother of two boys. Quickly, I discovered
that she was a hard worker, a loyal employee, an excellent secretary
and office manager. She and I enjoyed a remarkable rapport. Ours was
one of those rare relationships where we each just “knew” what the
other needed. We genuinely liked and respected each other.
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Cindy was an adult Munchkin. She adored being a follower, not a
leader. Her comfort zone—in fact, her fulfillment—was in taking
orders and carrying them out, not in making her own decisions. She
loved to please me, and did everything I asked of her with willingness
and graciousness. And we made a great team—me the leader and her
the follower. No, Cindy wasn’t just a Munchkin, she was a happy,
healthy, wonderful Munchkin. Conformity was her key to happiness.
Well, she shortly clashed with one of the center’s psychologists, Tom
by name, who wanted her to be different, to “grow up.”You see, he
was a big promoter of “group consensus,” a process whereby the staff
as a group made all the center’s decisions. He wanted Cindy, as office
manager, to be involved in our ever-so-important staff decisions.
Cindy, however, didn’t like being a part of the decision making. She
asked my permission to skip our staff meetings and work in her office
during these times. When I gladly granted Cindy’s request, Tom
thought my permissiveness was terrible. In his mind, Cindy should not
be allowed to remain a mindless Munchkin; she should be forced to
grow up and take responsibility.
When he pressured me to “force” Cindy to participate anew in our
staff meetings, I refused. I reminded him that Cindy’s approach may
not fit his picture of a full-fledged healthy adult, but in my mind she
was perfectly happy in the niche she had chosen. And, I added, she
deserved to be a Munchkin if she wanted to. End of discussion.
Cindy shines as a powerful example of thousands—no, millions—of
people who are life’s eager helpers, each one the true power behind
someone else’s throne. They don’t hunger for status or authority;
rather, they have found their all-important place as servers, supporters,
followers. Where would we be without them as honorable, dutiful
friends?
So, to Cindy—and to every other hardworking, earnest adult Munchkin
out there—I say, “Here’s to you! Thanks for being a great Munchkin!
We love you!”
How to be a great Munchkin
So, if Munchkinhood is your style—whether you inherited it or chose
it—there’s no need to feel like a victim. Actually, you can enjoy this role
in so many ways. Just like Cindy, you can make Munchkinhood work
for you. What’s the best way to do it?
Childhood
What’s your attitude?
For starters, you can have an attitude—a positive one! You can try to
be the best Munchkin you can be … to make conformity really work
for you … to find fulfillment in following the rules and serving others.
No matter what your circumstances or what life puts in front of you,
make the best of them. Our most powerful tool as a Munchkin is a
positive mental attitude.
What’s your motivation?
Second, you can work on your motivation. Just because you may be
“behaving” like a security-seeking Munchkin doesn’t necessarily mean
that you are one. Looks can be oh, so deceiving. Let’s make a clear
distinction here—there’s a difference between what you do and what
your motivation is.
For example, let’s say that you obey a traffic signal, pay your taxes, or
pay off a loan. Those actions could certainly make you look like an
obedient Munchkin-like conformer. After all, you’re doing what you’re
told, right?
Not necessarily! You could be motivated by, let’s say, fear of consequences (like jail if you don’t pay your taxes). That’s certainly a
Munchkin-like motivation. Or, in contrast, you could be feeling more
adultlike motives—such as respect for the laws that govern us, or the
desire to contribute to a better society. That doesn’t sound very
Munchkin-like to me.
Yes, whatever you do can come from a child’s motivation—a need for
safety and security. Or, in contrast, it can be a genuine attempt to
express love, take constructive responsibility, or make a positive
difference. Only you can know why you behave in a particular way. So,
how about being a positive and healthy Munchkin by inviting yourself
to be motivated not by fear but by love?
Brad
For several years I served as a psychological consultant to a program
for juvenile criminal and sex offenders. These were young men, usually
fifteen to eighteen years old, who were well on their way to adult
prison, but were being given a last chance to reform before they
became adults legally.
One of them, Brad, was referred to me because those in charge of
his treatment program found him to be “unworkable,” that is, totally
defiant to authority. They had just kicked him out of their therapy
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group because, in their words, “he had no conscience.” They put him in
my care as a last resort before kicking him out of the program entirely.
Brad was fifteen years old. He was there because he had repeatedly
raped both of his younger sisters. His father was in prison, also for
sexual molestation, and his mother was doing her best—barely and
inefficiently—to hold her troubled family together.
I took over doing therapy with Brad. Quickly, I found out that the
authorities were absolutely right—he had no remorse, no sense of the
rights of others, no concern about anyone but himself. He was bitter,
hard and mean. A rebel without a conscience, a young man terribly
out of control. Fortunately, I loved taking on impossible tasks.
The big theme in Brad’s rehabilitation program was ownership of
personal responsibility. That is, each “resident” was urged to claim
responsibility for what he had done: admit doing it, acknowledge his
guilt. The theory is this: Owning responsibility is the first step to
actually changing one’s behavior. Needless to say, Brad was nowhere
close to owning anything, especially responsibility.
After a few sessions, I found what I thought was a chink in Brad’s
well-constructed armor. I saw that he needed—and was looking for—
love. So, in place of trying to push him into owning responsibility for his
actions, I decided to love him into it. I chose to care about him, to offer
him emotional support. I decided to take the place of his father. In
short, I let myself love him.
My hunch proved right. Fairly quickly, Brad started to respond to my
caring—he began to allow himself to be loved. In fact, he lapped it up.
He let himself do something he hadn’t done in years—he started to
feel. Within a few weeks, he began to use our therapy sessions to pour
out his emotions, his anguish, his pain. Out it came … deeper and
deeper … until, a few months later, he seemed emotionally purged. He
even looked lighter.
Those who ran the program noticed it. He was becoming less hostile,
less rebellious, less manipulative. In fact, he was even beginning to
cooperate with the program’s incentives for growth. It was a remarkable turnabout. All the while, I hardly ever approached Brad about
owning responsibility for what he had done. He felt that I cared more
about him than about his past behavior.
One day, he unexpectedly announced to me, “I think it’s time for me to
apologize to one of my sisters for what I did to her.” I found myself
Childhood
dumbfounded. We had never talked once about his doing this. It was a
major step for Brad. As I explored with him why he wanted to do this,
genuine feelings of guilt and remorse poured out of him. He was truly
sorry!
Well, we arranged for his fourteen-year old sister to come to our next
session. As she joined us, I saw the anguish on her face, the damage
that had been done to her heart. Just turning fourteen, she looked
beaten down and emotionally weak. It was a sobering sight to see the
effect of rape on such a young girl. I introduced our session by telling
her that Brad had something special that he wanted to tell her. Brad
took over from there.
With the skill of an emotionally mature adult, Brad admitted to his
sister all that he had done, told her that it was his fault, and apologized
to her from the bottom of his heart. He told her how much he loved
her, and that he had only one wish—if there was any way in the world
he could take away the hurt he had caused her, he would gladly do it.
All of this came from somewhere deep in Brad’s heart—not rehearsed,
and with no prompts from me.
He ended by asking his sister to tell him what he could do to make up
for what he had done. “Just love me,” she said, “this time in the right
way!” These words surprised me; it was as if they slipped out spontaneously from her soul, bypassing her damaged human frame. The
loving embrace between brother and sister that followed brings tears
of joy to my eyes, even to this day.
A few weeks later, Brad told me that he was now ready to apologize
to his other sister, and asked if I would invite her to our next session.
I did, and Brad again let his love guide his words. He apologized
genuinely to his eleven year old sister, and committed to love her “like
a brother should” from that time on. His younger sister was visibly
relieved and deeply touched. The family could now feel the healing
touch of love—a touch that had been denied it for so many years. And
all because Brad decided in his heart to own responsibility, to do the
right thing.
This moving story is all about Brad’s motivation. Brad could have
obeyed the rules of responsible behavior—i.e., claim his personal
responsibility, admit doing wrong, etc.—because he was “supposed” to
or to please those with authority over him. That would have been the
Munchkin way. He didn’t. In fact, he actively rebelled against such a
conforming approach.
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No, he waited until he genuinely felt guilt before admitting it. He
waited until love, not compliance, was his motivation. Brad apologized
to his sisters because he felt shame and sorrow in his heart, not because
it would win him points in his program. Because of his motivation—not
just because of his behavior—Brad became a responsible, meaningful
Munchkin. He obeyed the rules of his program more than before, but
with an internal positive feeling about himself. I’ll always remember
Brad with deep affection and gratitude—not primarily because he did
the right thing, but because he wanted to do it. His motivation made
the difference.
No matter what we say or do, it’s what’s in our hearts that makes all
the difference. What kind of Munchkin are you? For the answer, there’s
one place to look—inside yourself.
Childhood
Remembering . . .
... You’re unique and special regardless of your position in life. Love yourself.
Never lose yourself … above all, please respect yourself.
... How you feel about yourself is as important as how safe or secure you are.
Value yourself ... see your worth ... know your greatness—no matter what!
... Don’t see conformity as being imposed on you. View it as your own choice.
When you’re choosing to conform, you become the boss … you’re in charge!
... You are not a victim, except in your mind. You never have been or will be.
With all your will, refuse to feel like a victim. Find your strength, deep inside.
... Stop complaining, criticizing or rebelling. They’ll only make you feel worse.
Take charge of your situation by being the best that you can be.
... Compliance is not a sign of your weakness, but of your empowerment.
Believe this with all your heart—you’re as powerful as the one you’re serving.
... Being the power behind the throne is just as valuable as sitting on the throne.
Support whoever is on the throne—and feel proud of yourself for doing it.
... Serving others can have great benefits—e.g., love, approval and security.
Drink in these “pluses.”You earned them.
... Fear can weaken you. Obey those in authority, but don’t obey your fears.
Face every fear head on. Conform on the outside; take charge on the inside.
... Guilt is mostly unhelpful to you.
Comply because you want to or choose to—not out of guilt or obligation.
... Choose only situations where you will be respected, cared for, and valued.
You deserve it—so, change jobs, friends or circumstances, if necessary.
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3 Schooling
Learning the planet’s three C’s
If I only had a heart, a brain,
the nerve!
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Follow the Yellow Brick Road
Follow the yellow brick road,
Follow the yellow brick road!
Follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow the yellow brick road!
Follow the yellow brick,
Follow the yellow brick,
Follow the yellow brick road!
You're off to see the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
You'll find he is a Whiz of a Wiz,
If ever a Wiz there was—
If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was,
The Wizard of Oz is one because—
Because, because, because, because, because—
Because of the wonderful things he does!
You're off the see the wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz!
Taken from the M-G-M movie, The Wizard of Oz
Lyrics by E. H. Harburg, music by Harold Arlen, 1939
© Warner Bros. Entertainment
Schooling
Dorothy’s Journey
Dorothy and Toto set out on their long journey down the yellow brick
road. As they walked, Dorothy realized how eager she was to find the
Emerald City and to meet its most important resident, the Wonderful
Wizard of Oz. After all, she wanted desperately to return to Kansas,
and this powerful man was her only ticket home. The farther Dorothy
traveled, the more hopeful she became about getting back to Kansas.
The Scarecrow … “Oh, for a brain!”
After walking for some time, Dorothy and Toto came upon a Scarecrow
in a cornfield. Unexpectedly, the Scarecrow spoke to Dorothy, asking,
“Would you please help me down from this pole?”
Dorothy was surprised to be spoken to by a scarecrow, but she eagerly
helped him down. The Scarecrow asked her where she was going, so
she explained her sad predicament, telling him about the Wonderful
Wizard and the Emerald City.
The Scarecrow listened intently, and then explained to Dorothy that he
knew nothing about either the Emerald City or the Wizard. “You see,”
the Scarecrow continued, “I don’t have a brain. Therefore, I can’t really
know anything.”
Suddenly, the Scarecrow’s face lit up, “Do you think that, if I went to
the Emerald City with you, the Wonderful Wizard would give me a
brain?” Dorothy wasn’t at all sure, but said that she thought it was
certainly worth a try. “By all means, then,” Dorothy encouraged him,
“come along with Toto and me to the Emerald City.” So, Dorothy, Toto,
and the Scarecrow continued on the yellow brick road, eager to find
the Wizard.
The Tin Man … “If I only had a heart!”
The three were strolling along, enjoying the remarkable scenery, when
they heard a mournful, moaning sound coming from behind a nearby
tree. Investigating its source, they found a Tin Woodsman, standing as
if frozen, unable to move, an ax raised in his hands.
“Was that you groaning?” asked Dorothy, looking directly at the Tin
Man. “Yes,” he replied, and directed Dorothy to get a nearby oil can to
lubricate his rusty joints. Sure enough, as she applied the oil the Tin
Man slowly started to move, and soon became limber.
“If I only had a heart,” he explained to his three rescuers, “I wouldn’t
always get so rusty.” Dorothy was touched by the Tin Man’s plight—
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and by his genuine desire for a heart. She told him of her own longing
to return to Kansas, and explained why they were on their way to the
Emerald City. Dorothy then made a suggestion, “Maybe you can come
with the Scarecrow and us to the Emerald City, and ask the Wonderful
Wizard to give you a heart!”
The Tin Man became excited about the possibility of getting a heart,
and quickly accepted Dorothy’s invitation. Now four adventurers—
Dorothy, Toto, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man—joined together on
a hope filled journey along the yellow brick road.
The Lion … “I’m just a coward!”
As they walked along, there suddenly came a gigantic roar from the
forest, and a big, burly Lion bounded onto the road. He struck at the
Scarecrow and Tin Man, and knocked them down, continuing his
awesome roar. Toto started barking at the Lion, who in turn tried to
bite the little dog.
Dorothy instinctively slapped the Lion on the nose, yelling, “Don’t you
dare bite Toto; you’re nothing but a coward to bite a poor little dog!”
The Lion was startled. Realizing that his weakness had been found out,
he immediately began to sob. He apologized to Dorothy and her
friends, admitting that he was indeed a coward. “In fact,” he admitted,
“I’ve always been a coward. Oh, if I only had courage!”
Hearing the Lion’s painful words, the Scarecrow and the Tin Man felt
sorry for him. They told him that they were on their way to the
Emerald City to ask the Wonderful Wizard for a brain and a heart, and
spontaneously added, “Come with us! Surely, the Wizard will give you
the courage you need!”
After hearing their invitation, the Lion meekly asked, “Do you really
think the Wizard would give me the gift of courage? How wonderful!”
The Lion readily agreed to join the four adventurers on the yellow
brick road.
Dorothy and Toto, united with their three new friends, set out once
again to pursue their dreams in the Emerald City.
Schooling
Finding the Meaning
Now, let’s take a good look at what Dorothy’s walk along the yellow
brick road means for us. As we just saw, while Dorothy was on her
journey, something unexpected happened—she came across three
unusual characters. You know what? The same thing happens for us
once we leave behind what’s safe and secure. When we finally say
good-bye to our Munchkin-like dependence, and set out to discover
“a bigger life,” unforeseen things start to show up in our lives.
I remember clearly one of those gutsy, “let’s leave Munchkinhood
behind” moments in my own life.
Jump, Bill, Jump
When I was twenty-two years old and green behind the ears, I found
myself standing at the rail of an ocean liner departing New York City
to sail to Europe. Heading off to study at a large university in Belgium
for the next four years, I would be living in a town where the people
spoke Flemish, and attending a university where the classes were
taught in French. To complicate matters a bit, I was not at all familiar
with either language, and I didn’t know a single person in Belgium.
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Way down deep, I knew I wanted this … and needed it. It was the
important next step in my life. The time had come to give up my prized
security and start to breathe life’s bigger air—whatever that meant.
So, I was leaving my protective and familiar environment to explore a
life that was totally unknown to me. As you can understand, I felt
plenty scared.
The moment? Oh, yes, the moment! I was standing on the deck of the
ocean liner, watching the Manhattan skyline shrink as we sailed from
the harbor. As the Statue of Liberty became smaller and smaller, an
overwhelming fear—let’s make that terror—gripped me. The reality—
the insanity—of what I was doing suddenly filled my mind, as my
emotions took a crash dive into utter panic. My mind, in its creative
frenzy, quickly came up with a winning solution: “Jump, Bill, jump! Do
it now! While you’ve still got a chance to make it to shore, jump overboard now, and swim for your life. Go back home to what you know,
what you love. Now, Bill! Hurry!”
Well, needless to say, I didn’t jump. But, believe me, that piece of
advice was more than tempting at the time. Somehow I resisted. You
can guess my logic—the water was cold; it was a long swim; and all
my possessions would be left on board. The real truth—I was too
afraid!
Here’s the best part. Scary as it was for me to start walking on the
yellow brick road (or, in this case, sailing on the green-waved ocean),
I was about to step into four of the best years of my life. That time
in Europe opened my mind and heart in ways I could never have
imagined. It changed me forever, opened me to a whole different life,
and made me a full human being. Think what I would have missed
had I taken that fearful plunge into the ocean, to swim back into my
comfortable past! I would certainly have remained a Munchkin forever—a happy one maybe, but with such a limited life!
Let’s shift the focus over to you. Let’s say that, like me, you’ve decided
it’s time to take a giant step out of your old ways—out of your childhood conformity and security. You’ve chosen to grow up and face life.
So, there you go—you take your first steps onto life’s yellow brick road,
saying, “I’m on my way! I’m ready for life!” Good for you!
You start looking around, wondering what’s waiting out there, what
might “unexpectedly” show up on your road, what life has in store
for you.
Schooling
Dorothy found her own answer to these important questions—in her
chance encounters with the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion. At
first, she knew only one thing: she had just met three individuals with
very special needs:
• The Scarecrow—with no brains, he couldn’t think or know anything.
• The Tin Man—with no heart, he easily became rigid and stuck.
• The Lion—with no courage, he spent his life timid and afraid.
As we see, each of Dorothy’s new friends had a missing ingredient.
Each one needed an extra “something” in order to function fully and
feel happy:
• The Scarecrow needed a brain, so that he could think;
this is consciousness.
• The Tin Man needed a heart, so that he could love;
this is caring.
• The Lion needed “the nerve,” so that he could be brave;
this is courage.
Yes, three new companions join Dorothy in her life on the road—
consciousness, caring, and courage. These three “C’s” have just become
allies who will help her through the rest of her journey in Oz.
These same three C’s come into our lives too, as we put our steps
firmly onto the road of our life. The Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the
Lion show us what our new life is all about—thinking wisely (the
Scarecrow), loving deeply (the Tin Man), and taking courageous charge
of our life (the Lion).
The three C’s
Let’s examine these three important themes more closely. Here’s the
scene. You’re walking along your road, look up, and what do you see
right in front of you? Well, like Dorothy, you encounter three new
friends, the three C’s—consciousness, caring, and courage.
As you listen closely, you can hear them saying to you, “We’re here to
help you live in a totally different way. We’re the key to making your life
happy and successful. All you have to do is to learn how to use us
well—and you’re home free!”
So, consciousness, caring, and courage have just jumped powerfully into
your life. They’re inviting you to get to know them, study them—maybe
even master them.
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• When we learn how to think effectively, we can understand what
life is all about, even with its confusing ups and downs; interpret
the people around us accurately; and know how to handle difficult
situations.
• When we know how to love genuinely, we can create wonderful
relationships; establish intimate bonds with other people; and feel
the beauty and joy of closeness.
• When we become courageous, we can take charge of every
challenge that comes our way; be decisive and assertive; and take
bold steps to make our dreams come true.
Yes, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion have given us valuable
hints at what life offers us once we let go of security, and begin its next
levels of adventure. With them as our guides, we can develop our
minds (consciousness), deepen our hearts (caring), use our will
(courage) … and discover a whole new way of living!
Isn’t that thrilling? We’re not limited to a life of mindless conformity,
where safety has to be our main concern. We can: explore the limitless
possibilities of our minds (consciousness); experience the beauty of
others and the world around us (caring); and even become masters
of our destiny (courage). Yes, there is a wonderful life beyond
Munchkinhood— one that is far more compelling and engaging. It’s the
exciting world of learning.
That’s right—for you and me, life is now a grand learning adventure.
No matter whom we meet, or what circumstance crosses our path, we
can always learn and grow from the experience. Every event teaches
us something—usually a lesson about one of life’s three central themes.
We can be more tomorrow than we were yesterday—just because we
have lived another day as eager students in the schoolhouse of life.
Let’s go to school!
Imagine that—the yellow brick road of life as a vast learning experience!
A classroom where we can learn and build the important skills that we
need to “do life”—the skills of our mind, our heart, and our will.
But wait! Before we jump into our studies, let’s take a closer look at our
new curriculum. Ever so briefly, here’s what we’re about to learn:
• Consciousness – the theme of knowledge, understanding, and
awareness:
Through positive thinking, clear reasoning, and focused decision
making, we develop our minds. The result: we find clear solutions,
make realistic decisions, and live an empowered life.
Childhood
These are the lessons of the mind.
• Caring – the theme of love, sensitivity, and feeling:
Through experiencing our emotions, caring about others, and
embracing the beauty of life, we expand our capacity to love.
The result: we become emotionally alive, savor the joy of
intimacy, and feel supported by life.
These are the lessons of the heart.
• Courage – the theme of personal power, authority, and confidence:
Through taking charge, feeling our courage, and using our power,
we develop self-confidence. The result: we conquer our fears,
overcome obstacles, and make our dreams come true.
These are the lessons of the will.
Learning—Could this be the real meaning of life?
Wow! As we examine this rich curriculum, we realize that life gives us
so many opportunities for learning! In fact, we could spend our whole
lives doing nothing other than learning, refining, and living these three
dynamic themes.
A lot of people get really excited about this “life as a schoolhouse”
perspective. During the few years when I was a minister in a “New
Thought” church, I came across so many who took learning the lessons
of life seriously. I would often hear them asking themselves, “What is
my lesson in this situation?” or “What am I supposed to learn from this
disappointment?” or “What is life trying to teach me here?”
For these “students of life,” learning was not just a nice sideline: it
was the actual centerpiece of their lives. That is, exploring life’s three
themes was actually their main purpose for living. They seemed to love
learning. In fact, many of them welcomed every challenge that came
their way, because they were learning something from it. They often
said to me something like, “Isn’t it great that life keeps giving us lesson
after lesson? Every time I learn something, I feel like I’m growing and
becoming a bigger and better person. I feel like I’m actually mastering
life!”
I confess that it took me awhile to grasp their enthusiastic tone. You
see, I had mostly been bored in school, so learning wasn’t my concept
of a good time. After awhile though—once I got over my early conditioning and really listened—I “got” what they were talking about.
They’re right. Learning is exciting!
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Our Journey
In all your years of living, what has been your biggest lesson? You know,
that meaningful experience that left you saying, “Wow, what I’ve
learned here has really changed my life!” Or, the special event that
resulted in your seeing life in an entirely new way.
As you explore your memory, I’d like to share one example from my
own school years—not because it’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned, but
because it stands out so strongly in my memory.
Yankees and Rebels
It was my first morning at a new school, my first day of third grade.
I was eight years old, and had just moved with my family to the
southern part of the United States. As I was walking into the new
classroom, a bunch of boys came up to me. I thought maybe they
were going to welcome me to their group.
“Hey you, new kid!” I heard. Their tone didn’t feel like the welcome
I’d hoped for. “Are y’all a Yankee or a Rebel?” they challenged.
Schooling
I knew right away that I was at a significant disadvantage, because I
didn’t have the slightest idea what either of these two terms meant.
So, in my innocence, I told them I didn’t know but that I’d just moved
here from “up North.” Those naive and misguided words sealed my
fate.
“Then y’all are a Yankee!” I could tell, again from their contemptuous
tone, that I hadn’t come from the right place. They proceeded to tell
me how much they hated Yankees, and how I wasn’t welcomed “to
these here parts.” Then came the worst part: “Meet us on the playground after lunch, Yankee, and we’re gonna show y’all how we treat
yer kind!”
Well, as you might imagine, I didn’t enjoy the rest of my first morning
in school, as I sat awaiting my “fate.” Sure enough, after lunch I was
approached on the playground by the same group of rough ‘n tough
boys. “Hey, Yankee,” they yelled, “now we’re gonna beat you up and
show y’all who really won the war.” I didn’t know what war they were
talking about, but that was the least of my concerns at the moment.
That’s when the unexpected happened. I don’t know where the inspiration for my next comment came from, but out of my eight year old
mouth came the words: “Look, you guys, it’s not fair for all of you to
beat me up together. How about if you take me on one at a time?”
They looked at each other, a little surprised at the logic of my suggestion, and agreed. They confidently nominated their ringleader to start
the slaughter, and he jumped into the middle of the circle. On that very
spot, he and I then fought the first battle of the Civil War all over
again.
How it happened I can’t remember, but I somehow pinned him down
until he admitted defeat. The next Rebel jumped into the ring to rip me
to shreds. We went to it, refighting the second battle of the War
Between the States. The same thing happened—I threw him down,
and twisted his arm until he said, “Mercy.”
I looked up at my tormentors. They were surprised at my strength.
I must tell you, though—they weren’t half as surprised as I was. The
truth is that I was just a scrawny little kid who had hardly fought at all
until that very moment. Internally, I was shaking with fear. Externally,
I guess I was starting to look fairly impressive. Where this sudden burst
of strength was coming from was beyond my own comprehension.
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I astonished myself even more when I heard myself say to them,
“C’mon, you Rebels! Who’s next to bite the dust?” They pushed their
next strongest member forward, and the same scenario took place.
Well, their fourth warrior and I were kicking up dust on the ground
when, by chance and to my great relief, my older brother saw what
was happening from the other side of the playground, came over, and
broke up the fight. My Civil War enemies looked as relieved as I was.
From that moment on, these determined Rebels never called me
“Yankee” again. They treated me with a respect that I’d never before
known from my peers, and even invited me into their intimate circle.
I had proven myself.
I learned something very big that day—my first major lesson in courage.
I learned to respect myself, to see myself as an equal to others. I
learned that I could take care of myself, no matter what. I had just
stepped out onto the road of life, no longer a conforming, fearful
Munchkin, but rather a courageous participant. It felt good. I walked
a little taller from that day on.
I probably learned more that day than I did during the rest of my third
grade year. The school of life had just taught me, in a single act of
needed support, one of its three central lessons—courage.
By the way, have you recalled yet the biggest lesson you’ve ever
learned? My guess is that it was at least as compelling as my third
grade experience. I can picture you standing there, facing life on your
own for perhaps the first time, just like I did on the playground. Then,
something totally unexpected showed up. What did you do? Did you
ask someone else to take care of you, like a good Munchkin would do?
Or, did you take a deep breath and say “yes!” to learning how to take
care of yourself?
Undoubtedly, you said a resounding “yes!”You took your first giant step
from dependence to independence. You dared to set out on the highway
of life, not under the umbrella of someone else’s protection, but as your
own person. By being daring, you broke through into a new level of
living. You grew up in a dynamic way. To you I give a well deserved,
hearty “Bravo!”
Having the tools … Learning the skills
I’ve often compared living our lives with building a house. To build a
house (or anything else), we need two important elements: first, the
right tools, and then the skills to use those tools well.
Schooling
For example, in building a house, we need a hammer and saw—better
yet, a nail gun and an electric saw. These are our essential tools.
Without them, we could barely build a simple hut, much less a solid
house. In addition, though, we need to learn how to use these tools
well. After all, a skilled craftsman can produce a much better product
than an untrained worker, even if the two are using the same tools.
We need skill.
It’s the same with how we live our lives. To build a strong and effective
life, we need these same two factors:
• The all-important tools—life’s three C’s, the important themes of
consciousness, caring, and courage; and
• the skills or training to use those tools well.
Often, the tools seem to be there right from the start. For example,
most of us are born with a capacity to love—the tool of the heart. It’s
just natural for us to care about others. Yet, it’s still up to us to learn the
skill of loving—such as how to be sensitive to another’s pain, or how to
forgive someone who hurts us.
At other times the needed tool simply shows up on its own when it’s
needed. That’s certainly what happened for me on the school playground—the tool of courage came to me, from somewhere—just in
time. Still, I had to say “yes!” to it, claim it, and use it.
Learning the skills of living
Learning life’s skills! That’s what awaits all of us when we decide to do
something other than be an obedient child … or a security seeking
adult. We awaken from the sleep of conformity into a larger reality.
We realize that, in this bigger world, we have three exciting gifts—
consciousness, caring, and courage—sitting right there in our personal
toolbox, just waiting for us.
So, what do we do? We pick up each of these precious tools, and go
about learning how to use them. We set out to master the threefold
skills of the mind, the heart, and the will. Ken is a good example of how
learning the three C’s works.
Ken
Ken was in his early forties and very frustrated in his job when he
came to see me. He had been a loyal employee, always carrying out
his duties conscientiously and effectively. Somehow, though, he invariably got passed over for promotions to leadership positions. After many
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years of this pattern, he was discouraged, and asked me to help him
figure out how he could advance in his profession.
Ken shared his confusion. “I’ve always been an ideal employee. I’ve
done what I’m told, and done it very well. But younger, more enthusiastic people always get the promotions. I can’t figure out why I never
get ahead.”
In truth, what Ken didn’t see—until we put it under the microscope
and looked at it in detail—is that he was excellent at what he did, but
showed no leadership skills at work. His bosses saw him as a good
Munchkin—a valued and efficient worker bee, but not a leader. They
appreciated him for his contributions, but never even considered him
for a management position. It soon became clear to me that Ken was
a pleaser whose Munchkin style had gradually become a noose around
his neck.
Once Ken became aware of how he had kept himself stuck in safety
and compliance, we explored what he needed to do to “break the
spell.” We came up with three approaches. First, Ken needed to believe
in himself, to see himself as deserving more in life (the lesson of caring).
Second, he needed to see himself as a leader, develop his vision,
become an innovative thinker (the lesson of consciousness). Last, he
needed to develop the “nerve” to put himself forward to go for creating
his dreams (the lesson of courage).
Learning these skills wasn’t at all easy for Ken. His actual “I really
deserve to win” attitude was puttering along in low gear. So that’s
exactly where we started our work—with the lesson of caring. I
challenged Ken to love himself enough to be willing to work for himself.
“Look,” I insisted, “if you put a fraction of the effort into working on
your own behalf as you put into doing your job, you’d easily get the
next promotion.” As I saw it, Ken’s biggest obstacle was that he didn’t
value himself enough.
Ken actually impressed me—bit by bit, he shed the ways he’d learned
to feel unworthy, undeserving. He taught himself how to love and
value himself. To his credit, he did it well, and now had self-love as his
foundation.
Then, he faced project number two: learning the skills of the mind. He
embraced a new belief—his right to be free of Munchkinhood. He
visualized himself as getting ahead in his job. Using daily affirmations,
he programmed his mind to believe in his right to get promoted. Again,
Schooling
it was tough, but with his newfound self-love, Ken came to believe in
himself—he consciously accepted his right to get ahead in life.
Finally, he was ready for step number three—the skill of the will. This
one was especially difficult for Ken. This was the action step—actually
doing what it took to get himself ahead at work. First he started
behaving as a leader. He began to share some of his ideas for change in
the organization. He even put together a proposal for reorganizing his
department, and submitted it to his boss. He began expressing himself
more in meetings.
Finally, he was ready for the big step. He set up a meeting with his
boss, in which he clearly stated that he wanted—and felt that he
deserved and was qualified for—the next available opening for a
leadership position with the company. Guess what? He got the next
promotion. He moved into management, and became a respected
leader in his company. More important, Ken was happy.
Ken broke the spell of Munchkinhood. He opened his toolchest, and
found the three tools he needed to realize his dreams. Then he taught
himself how to use these tools, the “how to’s” of getting committed to
himself (caring), seeing himself differently (consciousness), and taking
steps to make his life better (courage). Bravo for Ken!
Tell me more about these three C’s
Consciousness, caring, and courage—powerful tools for taking charge
of life. How well we learn to use them can make all the difference
between simply existing and really living, between just coping and
actually enjoying life. With these skills in our pocket, we’re ready to
do more than just react to what life throws our way—we’re ready to
create our lives.
Let’s look at each of these dynamic “lessons to learn” in more detail.
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If I Only Had a Brain
(Scarecrow)
I could wile away the hours
Conferrin’ with the flowers,
Consultin’ with the rain,
And my head I’d be scratchin’
While my thoughts were busy hatchin’—
If I only had a brain!
I’d unravel any riddle
For any individ’l
In trouble or in pain.
(Dorothy)
With the thoughts you'd be thinkin’,
You could be another Lincoln—
If you only had a brain!
(Scarecrow)
Oh, I would tell you why
The ocean’s near the shore.
I could think of things I never thunk before—
And then I’d sit and think some more.
I would not be just a nuffin’,
My head all full of stuffin’,
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry.
Life would be a ding-a-derry,
If I only had a brain!
Taken from the M-G-M movie, The Wizard of Oz
Lyrics by E. H. Harburg, music by Harold Arlen, 1939
© Warner Bros. Entertainment
Schooling
Consciousness: The lesson of the Mind
Have you ever considered how many hours of your day you devote to
thinking? No matter what you’re doing, chances are that you’re also
thinking about what you’re doing. Or, sometimes you’re thinking about
something else. We think … and think …and think all day long.
Thinking is perhaps the human activity that we all treasure the most.
We love to think. By thinking, we come to understand the world
around us and learn how to deal with life’s circumstances. By thinking,
we figure out how to solve problems and create solutions. What’s
more, by thinking, we come to know what we believe, what we value,
and what to put our faith in. By thinking, we get clear about what’s
true and untrue, and what’s right or wrong for us.
In this sense, ignorance is truly not bliss. There’s no substitute for
knowing. The saying, “The truth shall set you free,” makes a lot of
sense. A remarkable young woman, whom I once had the privilege of
helping, shows us the importance of knowing the truth.
Julia
A college sophomore who was still living at home with her parents,
Julia was a straight A student and a gifted musician. Her specialness
was obvious to everyone who met her. Unfortunately, it wasn’t at all
obvious to Julia.
She was sent to me by her parents because she was severely
depressed. Like so many of us, Julia appeared quite together on the
outside, but she was lost, empty, and crying on the inside. Her father
had just retired as president of the university that Julia was attending.
In that role, he was not only greatly respected, but generally idolized as
a charismatic leader. At school, Julia was seen not as Julia, but as her
godlike father’s daughter.
Here was the problem. Julia had no concept of who she was. She only
knew what her father told her she was. To complicate matters, her
father was a “Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde” type personality—a beloved and
dynamic leader at work, and an overcritical tyrant at home. He found
fault constantly with all his children, Julia especially, berating her if she
claimed any hint of individuality. Needless to say, after a childhood
filled with his continual ridicule and faultfinding, Julia’s self concept
was grossly distorted.
Julia was indeed depressed. More than that, she was an emotional
mess. Her father had successfully convinced her that she was a selfish,
inconsiderate, manipulative person who was ungrateful for all that he
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and her mother had done for her. By the time she got to me, at age
nineteen, she was convinced that she was nothing more than a
disappointment, nothing better than an undeserving ingrate.
It seemed to me that Julia had remained her father’s little girl—a
Munchkin living in fear and dread of not pleasing her father. As Julia
told me, “Everyone loves and adores my father; his advice is sought
out by the whole world; every day somebody tells me how lucky I am
to have ‘Mr. Wonderful’ as a father.” The bottom line: he’s right, she’s
wrong. She could never trust her own thinking. Wow, what a setup
for confusion!
At first, I was willing to go along with her assessment. After all, I had
heard of her father and of his greatness. “Maybe he’s right,” I thought.
After I looked and looked … and continued to look for evidence of her
father’s version of reality, however, it just didn’t show up. I asked Julia
more penetrating questions about her upbringing. Slowly, what
emerged was not a picture of Julia the manipulative, selfish brat, but
one of a paranoid, power hungry father. I concluded that Julia wasn’t
the “sick” one in this scenario.
I started talking differently to Julia. I suggested that perhaps her
perception of herself was inaccurate, that perhaps she had swallowed a
bundle of lies (well, maybe I called them “inaccuracies”) about herself.
She was shocked. It had literally never occurred to her that her
revered and feared father could be wrong about anything, especially
about her.
Slowly, Julia understood what I was saying. She looked long and hard
at her unquestioning loyalty to—and fear of—her father. She actually
rethought her whole childhood. Slowly, she began to think differently:
“Maybe I’m not so bad! Maybe I can start to trust my own feelings!”
Well, you can probably guess what happened. Shortly, Julia started to
rebel at home, an approach to which her father quickly responded by
discontinuing her therapy with me and sending her to a mental hospital
for a few months, “to straighten her out again.” According to him, I
had failed Julia as a therapist, and filled her with dangerous concepts—
like, maybe she was really a special and worthwhile person!
When Julia returned from the hospital, she came back to me to
continue her therapy—against her father’s will. She thought she was
onto something with this new perception about herself, and wanted to
follow it through to the end. That’s exactly what we did. At last, she
was ready to see herself differently. She started to rethink reality—
Schooling
no longer through the eyes of her father but through her own eyes.
She began to trust her perceptions and interpretations of events in her
life. She grew able to love herself, now more unconditionally. In short,
Julia changed her way of thinking.
A little more than two years after Julia first came to me, we completed her therapy. She was “cured” from the disease of believing lies
about herself. She could now think for herself, know herself, and
believe in herself.
Julia graduated from college with honors, and soon met a wonderful
man who deeply loved her—unconditionally—for who she was. She
went on into life, genuinely loving herself and genuinely being loved, to
find happiness and success—because she had been brave enough to
change her consciousness.
Julia is a wonderful example of the power of how we think. Because
her thinking was muddled, her life was a mess. “As we think, so we
are,” the saying goes. Yet, despite the prospect of losing her father’s
approval, Julia dared to change the way she thought about herself.
When she did, her whole life changed.
I was so proud of Julia. She took one giant step out of Munchkinhood,
and demanded to know the real truth about herself. Thank you, Julia,
for showing us how to learn the skill of consciousness!
Let’s look at “you, the thinker” for a moment. What do you believe,
especially about yourself? What are your values? What principles have
you adopted to guide you through your life? What political party or
religion makes sense to you?
Please notice that all these questions have a common theme—they’re
all about how you think. I ask them because what you believe says so
much about who you are. In fact, your thoughts are one of the biggest
factors that make you you! Your beliefs show the world who you are. In
and through what you believe, you express to us all: “Look, this is how
I see life! This is where I take my stand! This is me!”
That doesn’t make you sound very Munchkin-like, does it? No, it’s a
picture of you, the individual—you, the person who’s alive and kicking.
By thinking and understanding, you find out who you are. By knowing
and believing, you create who you are. By having convictions and
decisiveness, you declare who you are. That’s impressive!
Science tells us that our human mind is almost limitless in its capacity
for knowledge. Imagine that. What we know and believe serves us well
today, but also leads us to a bigger understanding tomorrow. That’s why
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it’s so liberating to keep our minds open. There’s always so much more
to learn.
Most Munchkins would like their beliefs to stay the same forever—
maintaining that nice, warm feeling of security. But the world isn’t that
simple. In the real world, our understanding keeps evolving … and
evolving, letting us know more and more about life every day.
So, let’s say that you’ve got it all together—in the knowing and believing
department, at least. That is, you feel really good about how you think
about life, and you are comfortable with your beliefs. Well, here is the
best thing you can do: enjoy this moment of satisfaction—for as long as
it lasts. Chances are, something is going to come along that will invite
you to change how you think. That something may come from a deep
place inside yourself. For example, it may be the voice of your heart
telling you, “I’m about to take a bigger role in your life, so open your
mind, and listen to what I have to say. It’s time for you to do your life
differently.”
A “Yes!” Man
That’s what happened to me. I was thirty years old, and for most of
my life I had been a perpetual “good guy.” Whenever anyone asked me,
“Would you mind helping me out?” my immediate answer was, “Sure,
I’m glad to. No problem!”
In fact, my generosity hadn’t been a problem at all for many years—
I enjoyed helping others. Unexpectedly, though, “something” changed.
I started to dislike my permissive approach. I resented not having time
for myself and my family while I was out helping those in need. All of
a sudden, I didn’t like seeing myself as an automatic “yes man,” as
someone unable to say “no!” Overnight, my heart started urging me
to rethink my habitual nice-guy response.
I accepted my heart’s pushy invitation, and decided to make the
change. I discovered, however, that shifting my thinking in this regard
wasn’t easy for me. I found that I had grown attached to being seen as
a nice guy. I realized that I would have to face the possibility of other
people disliking me if I started to refuse their requests. Nonetheless,
that nagging something in my heart kept saying, “C’mon, Bill, it’s time
to make yourself more important. Try saying no.” So, I pushed myself
into making this important change.
I thought long and hard about what to do. Here’s the plan I came up
with. First, before I’d say “yes!” to anyone asking me to do something,
I’d tell the person, “Let me think about it for a day, then I’ll get back to
Schooling
you.” I chose this approach because I noticed that my weak point was
in the pressure of the moment, when someone was asking, “Would
you, please?” Putting off my response gave me time to think by myself,
without the pressure. It was easier.
Second, I decided that, as a rule, I wouldn’t say “yes!” to someone’s
request unless I also said “no!” to something else. Here was my logic:
I only have so much time in a day. If I spend time doing something for
someone, that means I’m taking time away from something else
(maybe for myself). So, I asked myself, “Am I willing not to do ‘x’ in
order to make time for doing ‘y’”? Guess what. I found that, quite
often, I really didn’t want to give up “x.” Again, this logic made saying
“no!” easier.
My two pronged plan paid off. With these two approaches in my
pocket, I wound up saying “no!” to about half of the requests that
came my way. It wasn’t easy at first, but became quite comfortable
over time. I broke the spell of being a “yes man,” learned a new way
of thinking, and was happier.
Our consciousness—what a wonderful tool! As we learn to use it
wisely, we stand on a solid foundation for becoming skilled stewards
of life’s other two C’s—caring and courage.
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If I Only Had a Heart
(Tin Man)
When a man’s an empty kettle,
He should be on his mettle.
And yet I'm torn apart,
Just because I'm presumin’
That I could be kind of human—
If I only had a heart.
I’d be tender, I’d be gentle
And awful sentimental
Regarding love and art.
I’d be friends with the sparrows
And the boy that shoots the arrows—
If I only had a heart.
Picture me a balcony—
Above a voice sings low:
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
I hear a beat, how sweet!
Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion—
And really feel the part!
I could stay young and chipper,
And I’d lock it with a zipper—
If I only had a heart!
Taken from the M-G-M movie, The Wizard of Oz
Lyrics by E. H. Harburg, music by Harold Arlen, 1939
© Warner Bros. Entertainment
Schooling
Caring: The lesson of the Heart
Isn’t love a wonderful part of life? There’s something special about this
thing called “loving.” When we’re in love, the whole world looks so …
well, so beautiful, so refreshing, so magnificent. Love, the inviting
language of our heart, is genuinely enticing to every one of us. When
love is in the air, we feel alive, electrically charged, fully human! I think
you’d agree, love is a must for all of us.
The reverse is true too. I’ve noticed that, when love is not alive and
well in our lives, we can feel as rigid and rusty as the Tin Man. Without
love, life usually becomes empty and boring. Veronica proved this point
to the extreme.
Veronica
In her mid-thirties, Veronica had been married for ten years to Ralph, a
military officer in every sense of the word. Veronica was all about love;
Ralph was all about practicality. She lived dramatically in the heart; he
lived logically in the mind. She felt life; he thought about life. You know
the story—you’ve seen the same contrast in so many couples.
Yes, Veronica’s whole life was about loving; it’s just the way she was
created. Her need to love and be loved was so important that, when
she wasn’t breathing the air of love, her whole system shut down. And
that’s exactly what had happened. She was terribly unhappy in her
marriage, as well as deeply depressed in her life. For the past four
years, she had been unable to work because she had developed severe
allergies, and also suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome. Her body
seemed to be saying “no!” to life.
When I first saw Veronica, it was clear that she was someone whose
whole life was centered around loving. Whenever she loved, her body
soared, her spirit leaped, her emotions giggled with joy. Whenever love
was absent, she felt empty, unmotivated, and lethargic. Veronica
needed to love and be loved. For her, loving wasn’t a luxury, it was a
necessity.
Back to her marriage. She didn’t feel loved by Ralph. The truth was,
she had gradually stopped loving Ralph as well. So here she was, stuck
in a marriage without the one magic ingredient that she needed, and
too sick to strike out on her own. It was a paralyzing dilemma for her.
I asked Veronica if she thought that her physical problems had anything
to do with her marital misery. “What do you mean?” she asked, looking
puzzled.
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I explained, “Sometimes your body will try to tell you something in the
only language it knows—the language of symptoms. Maybe your body
is shutting down as a way of trying to tell you something. What’s your
body saying to you?”
Veronica’s expression of puzzlement over my question slowly changed.
In fact, a big smile came on her lips, as she said, “You know, I’ve often
wondered if the reason my body hurts so much is because there’s no
love in my life. I just never had the courage to share this thought with
anyone.” She looked relieved that her little but important secret was
out. In fact, she and I both felt her body breathe a sigh of relief—it had
finally been heard.
“Look, Veronica,” I told her, “it’s clear that you’re not ready to leave
Ralph and live on your own. So let’s tackle another project first: let’s
get you physically healthy. Once you’re healthy, then you can decide
what to do about your marriage.” She nodded agreement. I continued,
“Now, as I see it, there’s only one way for you to get healthy—and
that’s through love. For you, love is the only answer. Love is your
healer.” Veronica understood what I was saying, and was still nodding
her head, but looked puzzled.
I continued. “Let’s work on you loving you. Let’s help you fall in love
with yourself, so that your own love can begin to heal your body. Let’s
start with you loving your poor, frail body enough to will it into health.”
Veronica understood clearly what I was talking about, and agreed.
From then on, she talked daily—and lovingly—with her body. She told
her body that she loved it, believed in it, and was committed to making
it healthy. She also asked her body to join her as a partner in creating a
new life, not just in creating hurtful symptoms.
Veronica worked long and hard at her “project” of self-love. She
managed to forgive herself for earlier mistakes, and let go of the guilt
that she had collected because of them. She embraced herself as
lovable, deserving, and wonderful. She reconnected with her feminine
sensuality, and felt her own emotional feelings coming alive again. In
short, she actively loved herself.
Well, as you might guess, Veronica’s physical problems began to
diminish, and her energy started to return. After several months, she
began working part time from her home. After several more months,
she took on an office job, successfully facing and tolerating all the
smoke and perfumes that earlier would have sent her to bed. She was
getting healthier … and happier one day at a time. All because she
Schooling
chose to infuse love anew into her body, into her feelings, and into
her heart.
Now for the “what happened over time?” question. As good fortune
would have it, Veronica divorced Ralph, spent the next couple of years
working on her own, and continuing to love herself. She got healthier,
both physically and emotionally. Finally, she met a rare man—one who
felt his emotions as deeply as she did, one who knew how to love her,
one who swept her off her feet. To this day, they are living happily
ever after.
Veronica had spent many years criticizing herself because her need for
love was “too much, excessive.” In truth, she simply hadn’t yet met the
person who knew how to return her special way of loving. Once she
began to accept her unique style of loving, it started to work for her.
Veronica is such a powerful model for us—a model of someone who
was willing to listen to her heart (and her body) and go for love.
Imagine, she went from sickness to health and from depression to joy
in a few short years—because of the healing power of love. Thanks,
Veronica! You’re an inspiration to us all.
Love or Obedience?
In the mid-sixties I was a Catholic priest. During that time I dedicated
myself to preaching love daily. You see, I had strongly adopted the
notion that love is what being a Christian is all about … that love is the
very heart and soul of the Christian faith. So, in the pulpit, in homes,
and in my office, I made it my mission to help people center their lives
around love.
In helping people make tough decisions about their lives, I would
usually ask them, “What does your heart say?” or “What do your
feelings of love invite you to do?” Even if their love-centered hearts led
them in directions other than what the Church officially taught, I often
encouraged them to follow their own heart. “After all,” I reckoned,
“the Church is not only for obedient Munchkins, it’s also for loving,
responsible people.” Nobody could argue with that reasoning, could
they?
Well, guess what. I found out that they could argue with it. My poor
bishop—how I felt for his dilemma in having to put up with me!—didn’t
know what to do with me. Of course, he got regular reports about my
“radical” message. Of course, he regularly called me in to see him.
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I don’t remember much about what was said in those embarrassing
meetings, but I recall clearly their beginning moment. Each time, the
bishop stood there, shaking his head, a disturbed and worried look on
his face. Then, he looked up at me, uttering these pained words,
“William, William, William! What are we going to do with you?” At
that moment, I felt worse for him than for myself.
Well, the difference between my concerned bishop and myself was
quite clear to me: he saw himself leading a church of Munchkins who
needed guidance and direction. I saw myself leading a church of
thinking, feeling people who were quite capable of learning the
wonderful message of love.
In truth, of course, both of us were right. Every church—and every
group or organization for that matter—is filled with Munchkins who
want to be told what to do, as well as with those who are trying to
learn life’s three C’s responsibly. It seemed to me (here’s my silly logic
again!) that any church could encompass both approaches—helping the
Munchkins by giving them direction, and helping life’s “learners” by
supporting their experience of love.
Love is a remarkable tool. When we learn how to use it—in our own
style of course—our life becomes infinitely rich. For centuries, poets
and authors have filled volumes writing about the beauty and glory of
love, but no words can describe the wonder that fills us when we let
ourselves love and be loved. Of all the three themes of our human
experience, the “C” of caring is the sweetest and most endearing.
So, learning how to love is more than worth our effort. If you’re like
most of us, you’ve stumbled and fallen more than once trying to grasp
this important lesson. After all, learning any skill—especially the sensitive, feeling skill of the heart—is a trial-and-error process. When you’ve
failed at loving, though, have you noticed what happens? Something
within you prompts you, sooner or later, to try, try again. Yes, love is
that important. Learning its skills is that valuable. Its rewards are that
wonderful.
Now that we’ve filled our head with the lesson of consciousness and
our heart with the lesson of caring, we’re ready to complete the trilogy.
There’s one more of life’s important themes waiting for us, inviting us
to master it: the tool of courage.
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If I Only Had the Nerve!
(Cowardly Lion)
Yeah, it's sad, believe me Missy,
When you're born to be a sissy,
Without the vim and verve.
But I could show my prowess,
Be a lion, not a mowess—
If I only had the nerve!
I’m afraid there's no denyin’,
I’m just a dandylion,
A fate I don't deserve.
I’d be brave as a blizzard,
If the Wizard is a wizard—
Then I’m sure to get the nerve!
Taken from the M-G-M movie, The Wizard of Oz
Lyrics by E. H. Harburg, music by Harold Arlen, 1939
© Warner Bros. Entertainment
Courage: The lesson of the Will
If I were a Munchkin deciding to leap out of my fear and insecurity, the
skill I’d really want to learn is courage. Think about it. If I had lived my
life afraid of being criticized or punished, what’s the biggest tool I would
need up my sleeve? That’s right—courage!
So, let’s say that I’m ready to leave behind my life of insecurity and
intimidation. What do I do? First of all, I take a long look into my
personal toolchest, and pull out every bit of courage I can find. I dust
off this “power tool,” and start learning how to use it.
That’s exactly what the cowardly Lion had to do. Despite his loud roar
and impressive performance, our precious Lion was a scared little kitten
inside. If he needed anything, it was a great big dose of courage. So
many of us are like the Lion. No matter how confident we appear on
the outside, we’re often plagued with insecurity and uncertainty on the
inside. A friend of mine is a perfect example of this.
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Bear Claw
Bear Claw is a tall, husky Native American man who lives and works
in mainstream America but has strong ties with his native culture. He’s
a former professional sports player, an entrepreneurial genius, and a
successful scientist. You can imagine what an imposing figure he
presents in life. Anyone observing him would tell you that Bear Claw
is a confident, take charge person with no fears or insecurities.
Remarkably, this observation is far from correct. Yes, Bear Claw’s roar
is mighty and impressive, like the Lion’s, but in his emotional core he
often doesn’t feel the power of his roar. Instead, he feels inadequate to
handle the task at hand, unsure of himself, and, on some days, even
afraid to face life.
One day, Bear Claw shared with me what he does when he feels
afraid. Drawing on the richness of his culture, he finds a quiet place
where he can be alone, and calls the spirit of the Bear—the symbol
and embodiment of power—to be with him.
“The Bear has been my ‘power animal’ since I was a teenager,” Bear
Claw explained to me. “So, whenever I need strength or courage, I call
the spirit of the Bear to come to me, then ask him to fill me with his
power. He gives me the strength to face my day courageously and to
take charge of my life.”
Every time Bear Claw did this, it worked. Whenever he needed
courage, he reached inside himself, and found exactly what he
needed—the spirit of the Bear. According to him, the Bear was more
than willing to share his gift of courage with him. Once he could feel
the Bear’s courage flowing in his own body, my friend was ready to
face the world.
When Bear Claw shared his special technique with me I was deeply
impressed. Not just because what he did felt so sacred, but also
because it worked! Granted, Bear Claw’s approach may sound a little
unusual to some people—after all, our cultures are different; our styles
are different. Nonetheless, his story shows us an important truth:
courage is available to every one of us, no matter who we are. All we
have to do is figure out how to bring its “spirit” into us, so that we can
feel its mighty power.
Courage, I believe, means being strong, having confidence in ourselves.
It’s a feeling inside us that says, “I’m in charge.” Being courageous
suggests that our Munchkin-like fears are either a thing of the past, or
at least are on their way out. Once we learn the skill of courage, we
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feel more sure of ourselves. We speak and act with greater conviction,
focus on what we want, and go for creating it. Yes, that’s the skill of
courage.
Entrepreneurship
About three decades ago, I drew my last pay check, and took a giant
entrepreneurial leap into working for myself. I left behind the secure
“employee world” of a guaranteed salary and benefits, simply because
it felt like it was time to face life on my own, create my own destiny.
I was excited about making this move; it was another way in which
I was choosing to move from Munchkinhood to mastery. Little did I
know how dramatic a lesson courage would provide for me!
My wife, Donna, and I borrowed lots of money in order to buy two
businesses—a private practice for myself and a related business that
Donna would run—in a new city where we knew no one. Once there,
we realized that these new ventures looked much better on paper than
they were in reality (translation: there was no way we could make
ends meet). After several months, our personal resources were totally
depleted (translation: we were broke!), and we barely made enough
money each month to pay our overhead expenses (translation: there
was no money left to pay ourselves).
Well, I think you can easily imagine how I felt as I watched us spiraling
quickly into financial chaos. Simply put, I felt a daily gripping and
gnawing in the pit of my stomach—I’m sure it was the fists of my
“Munchkin self ” beating me up for having so foolishly abandoned the
good old days of safety and security. Then again, maybe it was the
churning of my “eager-to-learn, let’s-do-our-own-thing self,” now
dancing along the edges of paralyzing terror. Whichever it was, one
looming question had to be answered: what to do?
Well, a choice soon came my way. A nearby medical center wanted a
psychologist in its building, and invited me to open a second office
there. Of course, to do so would incur even more debt (start-up
expenses, extra rent, new equipment and furniture, etc.)—a prospect
about which my “Munchkin self ” had definite feelings!
Here were my choices. One, we could admit defeat, close the
businesses, and go back to finding “real jobs.” (Can you hear in the
background my “Munchkin self ” casting its vote?). Second, we could
jump further into the unknown, really do the courageous thing, and
open the new office.
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Donna and I decided to go for the new office. Not because we loved
teetering on the brink of disaster, but because we felt that this was the
clear choice of our hearts (remember that compelling, recurring theme
of caring?). So, we pushed our fear to the background, stoked the fires
of our courage, and signed the new lease. We had just taken the tool
of courage out of our toolbox; now it was time to learn how to use
it—big time.
Here’s what happened. Within a month, referrals started coming to me
from the new doctors. Within three months, both our businesses were
in the black—we were not only paying all our bills, but could even
manage to pay ourselves enough to live moderately. Within six months,
we were in really good shape financially, and stayed that way for the
rest of the years that we owned those businesses.
Courage is such a dynamic and dramatic tool. I really believe that
Donna’s and my willingness to risk, to “go for broke” (perhaps literally!),
was the key to changing our lives. Because we said “yes!” to the lesson
of courage, something clicked inside me. Never again did I feel afraid to
take risks. Living with unknowns actually became comfortable. Yes, for
me, life definitely became less scary.
The thing about courage that impresses me is this—it’s a skill that can
be learned by any of us. That’s right. It’s simply not true that you either
have self-confidence or you don’t, that you’re an “in charge” person or
you’re not. Not at all. I’ve known many, many people who started from
scratch—that is, they had almost no power in their personal tooboxes
—and became remarkably strong individuals.
Peggy
One such person was Peggy, a thirty-six year old musician who
attended some of my workshops. Peggy lived alone and had never
been married. She was immensely sweet and lovable—in fact, I
thought the world of her. But she was also so timid and shy—so
scared of life that she often retreated into invisibility. She never got
angry at anyone, and avoided anyone who might get angry at her. To
be sure, Peggy was a totally adorable but very afraid Munchkin.
Well, Peggy met—and immediately fell madly in love with—Jerry.
Jerry was a complicated person with two sides to his personality. His
impressive side—the great visionary, intelligent thinker, and compelling
conversationalist—wowed and dazzled Peggy. His other side, though,
was the bad news—he could be manipulative, insensitive, self-serving,
and even abusive. Watch out for what follows:
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Peggy entered into Jerry’s love spell like a good Munchkin, and they
married within weeks of meeting each other. Only then did she wake
up to Jerry’s dark side, as he began to manipulate and abuse her. He
refused to get a job. He methodically went through all Peggy’s money,
and then convinced her to take out big loans to finance his hobbies and
interests. At times, he was even physically abusive to her.
You get the picture, I’m sure. Peggy was an out-and-out victim of
Jerry’s abuse. She called me from time to time, to fill me in on her
circumstances, and to get a much needed booster shot in putting
Munchkinhood behind her.
Keep in mind that Peggy had next to no skill in the courage department. Nonetheless, she had one redeeming asset—she was willing
to learn. Remarkably, she decided to see being a victim not as an
invitation to depression or justified complaining, as so many of us
might do, but as an invitation to learn the skill of courage. Yes, she
actually got excited about learning the lesson of power, even under
the gun of Jerry’s abuse.
Believe it or not, Peggy really did a great job. In the face of Jerry’s
ongoing and continual antics, she forced herself to stand up to him,
argue with him, and tell him what she thought. She taught herself to
draw limits, to say “no!” to him, and—would you believe it?—get
really, really angry with him. Was it hard for her? You bet it was! But
Peggy did it; she learned courage.
Here’s the happy ending. Peggy stayed in the marriage about four
years. It took her that long to get really skilled at the art of courage.
During these years, I saw her from time to time, and each time she
looked more alive, more real. Her frail body gradually filled out; she
looked physically and emotionally stronger. Her walk exuded a new
confidence. You could actually feel her “in-charge attitude” as she
talked.
Peggy did it—she mastered the lesson of courage. And, she managed
to do it without lessening her sweet, feminine self. She expanded into
being both —sweet and lovable, strong and powerful.
She finally divorced Jerry, and started her life over again. This time,
though, not as a fearful and weak person, but as a confident and
masterful creator of her life. Here’s what really impressed me about
Peggy: she didn’t resent her years with Jerry. Instead, to this day she
sees them as having been a real gift to her … a valuable learning
experience.
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Peggy, thank you for being one of life’s outstanding students of
courage.
Peggy shows us that we don’t have to start with all the “right stuff ” in
order to learn and master courage. All we need is to be willing, to have
a heartfelt desire, to want it strongly enough. We so often proclaim
that “where there’s a will, there’s a way”—and that’s so true in learning
the skill of courage.
What kind of courage tools do you have? Are they shiny and impressive
looking, or—like Peggy’s were at first—are they almost non-existent?
My thought is: even if you have next to no power in your toolbox, it’s a
starting point. That’s all you need. Perhaps the real question is this:
how willing are you to learn the skill of courage? How strongly do you
want the spirit of the Bear to fill you with his power? How much is
your loving heart urging you toward being stronger, more confident,
more dynamic?
It all depends on what you’re willing to say “yes!” to. So, how about
enrolling in life’s school of courage? I assure you that, like Peggy, you’ll
never regret it. Once you’ve graduated, you’ll look back on your learning experience with nothing but heartfelt gratitude and appreciation.
Sure, it’s a tough school—the courses are difficult, the lessons can be
grueling, and the exams are often intense. To top it off, the teachers
don’t give you much of a break. But the results … yes, the results are
fantastic.
Let’s look for a moment at the results you can expect. With courage,
you can turn victimness into victory, chaos into challenge, and
oppression into opportunity. You no longer have to give in to fear or
fall into depression. Nor do you have to wait for someone else to
rescue you. No, as a proud graduate, you can believe in yourself, take
a confident stand, focus on what you want, and go for it. You finally
have a basis for becoming “the master of your destiny.”
You’ve now completed that threefold curriculum of the School of
Human Living—the three C’s of consciousness, caring, and courage.
You’ve left behind Munchkinhood’s limiting life of conformity and
obedience. You’re now walking clearly, caringly, and confidently into
the rest of your life. From now on, you’re set for a life of exciting
adventure. Congratulations! You’re a great learner.
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If I Only Had the Nerve!
(Lion) I’d be brave as a blizzard.
(Tin Man) I’d be gentle as a lizard!
(Scarecrow) I’d be clever as a gizzard!
(Dorothy) If the Wizard is a wizard who will serve—
(Scarecrow) Then I’m sure to get a brain!
(Tin Man) A heart!
(Dorothy) A home!
(Cowardly Lion) The nerve!
Taken from the M-G-M movie, The Wizard of Oz
Lyrics by E. H. Harburg, music by Harold Arlen, 1939
© Warner Bros. Entertainment
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Remembering . . .
Learning the lessons of consciousness
... Think positively. Negative thinking only wears you out and discourages you.
Stay focused on the positive side of life—it’s your key to creating real solutions.
... Use the resources around you—friends’ advice, helpful books, useful theories.
But use them to enhance your inner knowing. Above all, listen to yourself.
... Your mind is a powerful tool.
Learn how it works, and you can build a powerful life.
... You have a personal style for finding your own answers, solutions, and truths.
Discover that style and own it—it's your personal road map to happiness.
... Confusion isn’t helpful at all.
If you’re confused, identify what’s confusing, and get clear.
... Always be clear about what you want—for your life, for this year, for today.
Your desires and dreams usually come true when you’re clear.
... Ask yourself: “What do I need right now?” Then ask it again … and again.
Sometimes, the answers you need show up only when you stay focused.
... Be a believer. Believe in and value life, people, and whatever matters to you.
Above, all, believe in who you are, not who you think you “should” be.
... Say “yes!” to your dreams. Say “yes!” to your deservingness.
Say “yes!” to living as you want. Say “yes!” to life.
... Stretch your mind. Look for alternatives or more creative ways of thinking.
If you do, you’ll keep your thinking fresh, up-to-date, and more exciting.
... Make your assumptions and attitudes as big and broad as possible.
These subtle influences, if narrow or bigoted, can keep you from enjoying life.
... Following your natural intuitions and hunches usually works best.
Trust your own personal “sense”—it can lead you to the best answer.
Schooling
... Ignorance is not bliss. If you don’t have enough information, acquire it.
Develop your understanding of everything that’s important to you.
... Look at every issue from “over the forest”—there you’ll find the bigger picture.
There’s no substitute for a large vision.
...“Hang in there” until you find your answer, solution or truth. Don’t give up!
Stopping in mid-stream just means you'll have to start over again later.
Learning the lessons of caring
... Listen closely to your heart—it speaks to you about how to love.
Your heart has its own way of talking to you. Learn its soft, special language.
... Look at everyone through the eyes of love. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
You can see their lovable, positive qualities—if you're open to seeing them.
... Love is all about seeing the beauty around you. You’re beautiful. So is life.
With love as your guide, see beauty everywhere, in everything, all the time.
... Invite love to heal your emotional pain. Pour love into your inner wounds.
Keep loving them until they “feel” your love more strongly than their pain.
... Bring love into your mind. Make it an intimate part of your thinking.
Let your sensitivity and compassion influence all your thoughts and beliefs.
... Care about yourself, first and foremost. Treat yourself as deserving.
Others usually value you only to the degree that you value yourself.
... Forgive yourself—for everything … that’s right, everything.
No matter what you’ve done, you deserve a new life. So, let the past go.
... Forgive everyone in your life. Harboring resentments hurts only yourself.
Forgive them all—parents, siblings, enemies—with everything you’ve got.
... Love is alive and well, all around you—in nature, food, pets, and people.
It wants to nourish your heart and soul. Feel its nurturing touch and caress.
... Treasure your friends and loved ones. Don't take them for granted.
It’s so healing to be loved. Take really good care of your close relationships.
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... See everybody’s faults through the eyes of love.
Try understanding instead of seeing “what’s wrong.”
... Experience others’ feelings—their joy and pain, their needs and doubts.
When you walk in their shoes and share their life, magical effects occur.
... Feel your emotions. Your feelings are a valuable, important part of you.
Experience and honor them—they’re an intimate part of your happiness.
... Love lives in your body as well as in your heart. Learn to love your body.
Listen to its loving messages, its subtle signals, its caring embrace.
Learning the lessons of courage
... Listen to your “gut”—it’s there that you can feel the stirrings of your power.
This is your core and foundation. Stand solidly in it—feel its grounded roar.
... Just as you have a right to love, it’s also your birthright to be powerful.
It’s what you were created for—to own your power. Claim your birthright.
... Remind yourself that today you’re the master of your destiny.
You’re the CEO of the company called “you.”You’re in charge.
... Whenever you feel personal power lacking, call it to you … until you feel it.
Your personal power is there to help you. “Don’t leave home without it.”
... Some situations can be intimidating. Don’t hold back. Meet them head on.
Be daring. Act courageously and assertively, no matter how scared you are.
... Take charge of your mind—your thoughts, attitudes, and judgments.
Train your mind to think exactly the way you want it to.
... Take charge of your emotions. Become the master of your inner hurts.
Command any pain filled feelings inside you to find healing and strength.
... Take charge of your body—your health, symptoms, eating, exercise.
It’s your body; you’re responsible for it. Be a good friend; make it healthy.
... Adopt this attitude: you, and only you, make the decisions that guide your life.
You’re responsible for every choice in your life. Be clear, focused and strong.
Schooling
... What are you saying “yes!” to? To power or poverty? To health or sickness?
To strength or weakness? If you don’t like your answer, change your vote.
... Stop feeling like a victim. Stop thinking like a victim. Stop being a victim.
You never have been and never will be a victim—unless you think you are.
... Take responsibility for everything you do. Admit being wrong if you are.
You’re responsible for how your life turns out—every minute of every day.
... Never blame others for your misfortunes. Instead, look for solutions.
You can fix the problem and right the wrong—simply by taking charge.
... Ask yourself: how much do I really want my dreams to come true?
When you’re clear about the answer, go for it. Don’t get discouraged.
... Believe in yourself. Believe in your worth. Believe in your right to be happy.
Believe in your potential. Believe in your splendor. Above all else, believe!
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4 Adolescence
Breaking free
Down with the Wicked Witch!
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The Munchkin Land Song
Ding-dong, the witch is dead!
Which old witch? The wicked witch!
Ding-dong, the wicked witch is dead!
Wake up you sleepyhead.
Rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up! The wicked witch is dead!
She's gone where the goblins go
Below — below — below.
Yo-ho, let's open up and sing—and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong, the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know the Wicked Witch is dead.
Taken from the M-G-M movie, The Wizard of Oz
Lyrics by E. H. Harburg, music by Harold Arlen, 1939
© Warner Bros. Entertainment
Adolescence
Dorothy’s Journey
Dorothy, Toto, and their new friends were elated when they finally
arrived at the Emerald City. Once inside the city walls, they soon found
the castle-like dwelling of the Wonderful Wizard of Oz—and received
permission to enter. After being led to a very large room, the confident
travelers eagerly waited for the Wizard to appear.
Suddenly, a booming voice startled the hopeful band of friends. It
seemed to be coming from all over the room. “Why did you come here?
What do you want?”
Dorothy spoke up in spite of her nervousness. She explained to the wise
and all-powerful Wizard the strange circumstances that landed her in
Oz, then pleaded, “Please, wonderful and powerful Wizard, send me
and my dog Toto back to Kansas, back to my Aunt Em and Uncle
Henry, right away.”
Of course, Dorothy was quick to add her friends’ requests—a brain for
the Scarecrow, a heart for the Tin Man, and courage for the Lion.
What? There’s no free ride?
After a short pause, the Wonderful Wizard responded that all of their
requests were “understandable, yes … and possible, yes … I certainly
can do these favors for you, yes. But …” There was another pause.
“But what?” asked Dorothy anxiously.
The Wizard’s tone now became more firm. “… But I will fulfill none of
these requests unless you and your companions first go into the Land
of the West, and kill the Wicked Witch of the West!”
As you can imagine, Dorothy was shocked. To make matters worse,
the Wizard immediately explained that the Witch was most terrible
and evil, and that there was little chance that Dorothy would even get
to her alive, let alone be able to kill her. Despite these odds, the Wizard
emphasized that this monumental task had to be accomplished before
he would return Dorothy to her beloved Aunt Em and Uncle Henry.
Obviously, Dorothy didn’t like this requirement at all. “But,” she
thought to herself, “this is my only hope to get back home.” So, she
and her friends agreed to the Wizard’s demand.
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Off to kill the Wicked Witch!
The next day, our brave company set out to find the Witch’s kingdom
in the West. They were willing and determined warriors, even though
inside all of them were quivering with fear.
Sure enough, as soon as the five heroic figures entered the land of the
West, the Wicked Witch saw them in her glass ball. She was enraged
that they would dare trespass on her land, and instantly ordered her
army of Winged Monkeys to destroy the unwelcome invaders.
The Winged Monkeys quickly reached Dorothy and her friends. They
caught the Tin Man, and threw him down on a pile of rocks, completely
disabling him. They then ripped the Scarecrow’s straw out of him, and
scattered it all over the ground, leaving him helpless. All of this so
terrified the cowardly Lion that he fainted. Thinking that he was dead,
the Winged Monkeys left him behind.
Lastly, they captured Dorothy and Toto. As they were about to kill
them, however, the winged monkeys noticed the sign of the Good
Witch Glinda on Dorothy’s forehead. Knowing that they weren’t to
harm a person with such a mark, they brought Dorothy and Toto alive
to the castle, and presented them to the Wicked Witch.
When the Witch saw that Dorothy wasn’t dead, she became furious,
and confined Dorothy to the kitchen. “Let’s have you work your fingers
to the bone as one of my slaves for awhile. Then I’ll decide what to do
with you!” she raged.
Dorothy succeeds
The Wicked Witch couldn’t help but notice the ruby red slippers on
Dorothy’s feet. She knew well the great power they contained. “I must
have them for myself!” she muttered, as she began looking for the first
opportunity to steal them from Dorothy.
The next day, she managed to trick Dorothy into taking off one of her
magic slippers. Quickly, the terrible Witch grabbed the shoe and began
to put it on her own foot. At that moment, something clicked inside
Dorothy. She became furious—her fear of the terrible Witch turning
instantly to rage. Without thinking, Dorothy grabbed a nearby bucket
filled with water … and threw the water on the Witch.
The Wicked Witch screamed and howled. “Help,” she cried, “I’m
melting!” Dorothy stood amazed as she witnessed the Wicked Witch
dissolve into nothingness.
In a short time, the terrible Witch was no more. She was gone …
dead. Dorothy had indeed killed her, just as the Wizard had requested.
Adolescence
The truth of what she had done was barely beginning to register in
Dorothy’s mind, when ….
Hooray! The Wicked Witch is dead!
… she and Toto were joined by their three missing friends. What had
happened was this: when the Lion awakened from his fainting spell, he
found and repaired both the Tin Man and the Scarecrow. The three of
them then hurried to the Witch’s castle to attempt to save Dorothy,
arriving just after Dorothy had saved herself.
The Winged Monkeys and all the other inhabitants of the Land of the
West were overjoyed. After such a long time of being enslaved by the
terrible Witch, they could barely contain themselves over their newly
found freedom. They sang Dorothy’s praises, and thanked her again and
again for saving them, begging her and her friends to stay with them
forever.
“Oh, no! I can’t!” Dorothy responded. I’ve got to get back to the
Wonderful Wizard. He’s going to help me get home.”Yes, Dorothy still
had only one thing on her mind—to return to Kansas. So, she and her
friends thanked the inhabitants of the Land of the West, and then
quickly began their journey back to the Emerald City.
As they walked along, our heroes were excited about telling the
Wonderful Wizard what they had done. They imagined how pleased
he would be, and could barely wait to have their wishes fulfilled. “At
last,” Dorothy thought, “I’ll soon be going home to my Aunt Em and
Uncle Henry.”
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Finding the Meaning
Wow! Dorothy had to face something very few of us would choose—
the task of killing off a terrible and hateful Witch. Imagine yourself in
that same situation. What would you have done? Like Dorothy, would
you have set out on such a scary quest? Or, like so many of us, would
you have found a thousand excuses about why it “isn’t really a very
good idea anyway”?
Ahh, but wait. Every day, you and I do just what Dorothy did—we set
out to kill the Wicked Witch. Here’s what I mean. Oz’s Wicked Witch
of the West is a symbol—a symbol of something awful and terrible,
something we really don’t want in our life. Yes, the Wicked Witch
represents whatever is oppressing or controlling us … that circumstance
or person that is causing us hurt or pain … that nagging or unyielding
obstacle that holds us back from enjoying life. Indeed, the Wicked
Witch is a vivid symbol of anything and everything that leaves us
feeling unfree.
Let’s be even more specific. Notice how frequently the Wicked Witch
of the West shows up:
• in our lives—in the form of overbearing bosses, family members
who unfairly judge us, people who abuse us, a job that gives us no
satisfaction, or a social system that offers us little chance for success;
• in our activities—in the form of our personal “demons,” such as
overeating, smoking or drinking; or ongoing habits like laziness and
procrastination;
• in our emotions—in the form of painful feelings such as depression,
hurt and anger; or our uncontrolled impulses and unwanted fears;
• in our minds—in the form of nagging worries and preoccupations,
haunting obsessions or harmful fantasies.
Isn’t it true that every day we fight our own battle with these
unwanted tyrants? Aren’t we constantly struggling to overcome those
painful and controlling limitations in our lives? You bet we are! Whatever degree of success we achieve, at least we’re involved; we’re trying.
We’re doing our best to kill off the Wicked Witch.
Scott
I once provided therapy to a wonderful man named Scott. Scott was
35 years old, married, and the father of three beautifully spontaneous
children. A successful social worker, he was currently serving as the
Adolescence
head of a local health clinic. Everyone admired Scott; in fact, they
looked to him as a leader. He just seemed to have it all together.
Everything looked great on the surface.
As you might guess, there was a Wicked Witch of the West in Scott’s
life. When he first came to see me, Scott said he wanted me to help
him overcome his fear of dogs. When at home, he could not bring
himself to walk out his door for fear that a dog might attack him.
As we talked about it, Scott revealed that he was also afraid of the
dark … so afraid that he had a terrible time falling asleep at night.
Whenever darkness came, Scott’s insecurities and anxieties also came
to the fore. Scott shared with me that no matter what he tried over
the years to “kill off ” these fears—his Wicked Witch of the West—
it hadn’t work. He was still scared. The plot was definitely thickening.
Scott had come to me asking for hypnosis. He wanted to get “underneath” his two fears and find out why they so paralyzed him. After a
couple of sessions, I was becoming suspicious that Scott’s fear of dogs
and of the dark might not be the real problem. I asked him, “When did
you start to have these fears?”
“As a teenager,” he replied. “They just appeared on their own for no
apparent reason.”
I warned Scott that we might find something different when we did
hypnosis. I wasn’t sure what, but I suspected that the real cause of his
apprehension was hiding somewhere inside him. I felt that we were
about to discover what it was.
Scott was a great hypnotic subject. He relaxed very deeply, and his
subconscious was definitely ready to talk. I asked his “deeper self ”
many questions about the fears, and got lots of information from him.
Then, I asked a leading question: “Is there something else that’s scary
to you?”
No reply. Only silence. I asked again. Once again, no answer. The
silence seemed like a meaningful nonresponse to my question. So, I did
everything I could to help Scott’s subconscious self feel safe enough to
talk about it. Well, eventually we got to the truth.
Here it is: when Scott was fourteen years old he had been raped. Not
only once but several times, by a man who lived in his neighborhood.
Understandably, Scott was traumatized by these events. He lived in
total fear that it could, and would, happen again—especially if he
ventured out of the house in the evenings.
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After several months, the abuse stopped. The man moved away, and
Scott was now safe. Way down deep, however, he never felt safe
again. He went on with his life, forgetting the terrifying things that had
happened to him. Yes, Scott repressed—literally forgot—a now secret
event: he had been brutally raped. On its way into hiding, this frightful
memory left behind two reminders—his two fears: being attacked by
dogs and being alone in the dark.
Needless to say, at first Scott was stunned to hear the words—the
startling confession of being raped—that came to him from some place
of “knowing” deep inside himself. All at once, however, his eyes opened
wide, his face looked shocked, and he murmured, “Oh, my God! I
remember it! I remember it!”
I could see his eyes darting back and forth as if, in the privacy of his
mind, he were silently reviewing a tape of what had happened years
earlier. After several minutes of deep reflection, he looked up at me
and said, “I remember it all now. I see it again, very clearly. It was so
terrible, so frightening! How could he do that to me? How dare he do
that to me?!” Scott paused, then added, “You know what? I’ve been
afraid ever since.”
Scott was right. Dogs and darkness weren’t his most real fears by any
means. They were only the leftovers, faint symbols of being raped.
Scott was really afraid of what could happen in the dark, afraid that he
might get attacked again. Yes, out there in the dark might lurk his very
own Wicked Witch of the West—now in the form of a dog—just
waiting to do him in.
Well, we got to work. In my role as Scott’s Wizard, I told him that it
was now time for him to “kill the Wicked Witch”—to overcome his
secret terror and heal his pain filled memories. Scott agreed. He
applied himself earnestly to do in this terrible Witch.
In the end, Scott succeeded. Bit by bit, he healed his disturbing
memories of being raped. He threw soothing water on the pain that
had been buried in his heart all these years. After a few months,
Scott’s Wicked Witch—his awful terror and pain—melted into
nothingness, and was gone from his life. He could sleep at night, enjoy
evenings outdoors with his kids, and live his life without fear. He was
finally free.
Like Scott, we all want to be free of the Witch in our lives. We don’t
want to live in fear or pain; to feel controlled or oppressed by anyone or
anything; or to have irritating limitations to hold us back from realizing
Adolescence
our dreams. No, indeed! We all want to be free, and—like Dorothy—
we’re willing to fight for it. If necessary, we may even be willing to die
for it.
Yes, we treasure our freedom that much. If we’re not feeling free,
something inside us starts to scream. We simply can’t stand to be held
down, held back, or held up. At some point in our lives, being unfree
begins to feel more and more terrible. It’s then that our freedom is no
longer a luxury that we covet—it becomes an absolute necessity.
When is that critical moment when freedom becomes so important to
us? Well, it usually hits us once we’ve left Munchkinhood behind and
are well into learning all about life’s three C’s—consciousness, caring,
and courage. That’s right, just when we start to master the skills of
living and to taste the rewards of life—it’s then that we’re overcome by
the need for even more freedom. All of a sudden, we’re ready to take a
bold, different and daring leap into life. Yes, we’re ready to kill off the
Wicked Witch!
That’s exactly what happened to Dorothy. She wanted to escape from
Oz so badly that she was willing to pay any price for her freedom—
even risking death at the hands of the Wicked Witch. She’s a real
example of how far we’re willing to go in order to be free.
Freedom from … freedom for …
Dorothy also shows to us two kinds of freedom—freedom from and
freedom for. First, she wanted desperately to get away from the pain
of staying in Oz—she wanted freedom from. More than that, though,
Dorothy desperately wanted to return to Kansas to enjoy her family’s
love—she wanted freedom for.
Like our remarkable heroine, you and I are in search of the same
twofold freedom:
• Freedom from what hurts us. We push ourselves to find relief from
whatever we feel as unfair, hurtful or abusive. We simply can’t
tolerate being insulted, intimidated, or overpowered by anyone. In
addition, we run from anything that feels disabling or limiting—even
our own pain, our unresolved conflicts, or our deeply held fears. All
of these make up the unwanted Wicked Witch of our lives.
• Freedom to be ourselves, to feel fulfilled, to be fully alive. We cherish
the freedom to live as we desire and to achieve our dreams. We’re
driven to make our own decisions, to chart our own course in life,
to love and be loved as we choose. In short, we want the freedom
to be happy.
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Yes, just like Dorothy, we vigorously want to get rid of the Wicked
Witch in our lives (freedom from), so that we can be free to create our
own Kansas (freedom for)—where we can just be ourselves, find our
comfortable niche, and live happily ever after. Plainly and simply, we
want to be in charge of our own lives. Is that asking too much? Dorothy
didn’t think so. I don’t think so either.
What! I have to earn it???
Freedom may be our birthright, a natural and compelling need, but that
doesn’t mean it comes gift wrapped. Dorothy’s conversation with the
Wizard reveals an all-important reality: our prized freedom isn’t a
given. No, we have to work for it … even fight for it … and sometimes
be willing to die for it.
In response to Dorothy’s genuine request to be free from the Land of
Oz, the Wizard didn’t simply give her a ticket home. No, Dorothy
couldn’t gain her freedom passively or effortlessly. Imagine how shocked
she must have been to hear the Wizard declare: “Not yet, Dorothy!
Not until you earn it!”
Whether we like it or not, the same thing is true for you and me. We
have to pay the same price for our own freedom as Dorothy did for
hers. We first have to do away with whatever oppresses, pains or
limits us.
We attain our desired freedom only to the degree that we first overcome
the obstacles that stand in front of us. The Wizard makes this sobering
point quite clear: we must face and triumph over whatever or whoever
the Wicked Witch represents in our lives before we can move on to
enjoy our personal freedom. No freedom without first earning it. No
empowerment without claiming it. No release from the grip of the
Wicked Witch without first … doing away with her!
Isn’t there an easier way to freedom?
Such a bold step takes courage … willingness … determination …
resolve … decisiveness. To muster our will and garner our strength for
this awesome purpose requires every personal skill that we have. It’s not
a job for the cowardly.
Why is this seemingly violent step necessary? Why can’t we simply ease
into freedom, and receive it effortlessly and graciously, like accepting a
gift? Why do we have to earn it, or be willing to fight for it? After all,
isn’t this bold approach just a tad too aggressive?
Here’s what I think. The Wonderful Wizard wasn’t being self-serving
by making such a rigorous demand. Nor was he simply trying to rid his
Adolescence
realm of the evil influences of the Wicked Witch, so that life in and
around the Emerald City would be easier for everyone. Rather, he was
expressing a deeper, underlying reality of life. He was requiring that
Dorothy discover the same “truth” that other insightful leaders have
expounded for millennia: Freedom is indeed our birthright. Yet, to inherit
this wondrous legacy, we must first want it, then work for it—even fight for
it—and finally, vigorously claim it. Then it can become truly and forever
ours.
Oh no! Not another lesson that I don’t want!
What a great gift Dorothy received from the Wonderful Wizard! No,
she didn’t get exactly what she asked for. In its place, though, she got
something much more valuable: the key to moving from a child’s needy
dependency to an adult’s confident empowerment. Because of the
Wizard’s demand, Dorothy was now in a position to take a huge step
—out of her childhood fears and into her growing adolescent courage—
on her way toward becoming a full-fledged adult.
Isn’t it peculiar that so many of these priceless “gifts” we receive seem
at first so unfair, so severe, even so cruel? Most of us don’t open our
arms gleefully to welcome these invitations to kill the Witch in our
lives. Rather, we hang on to our old needs, our out-of-date mindsets, or
our earlier securities. We want it the easy way—even though the easy
way may not be the best for us. The fact is: we sometimes fight these
golden opportunities all the way—never even realizing what gifts they
are to us!
Why do we resist them so strongly? I think it’s because we have mixed
feelings about growing up. Because the idea of taking matters into our
own hands scares us.
Here’s what the Wizard is telling us: instead of the outside world
changing to accommodate our desires, we are the ones who have to
do the changing. We have to grow up, get out there, and face the scary
Witch! “I never asked for this,” we think. “It seems so unfair. Oh, poor
me!”
Okay, let’s face the Wicked Witch
The Wicked Witch symbolizes what few of us like to think about—
that disagreeable thing called evil. Most of us prefer to ignore this
distasteful aspect of life—we deny its existence, pretend it isn’t real,
or explain it away. Then, if those tactics don’t work, we choose to run
away or to hide from its damaging effects. This description makes us
look like the cowardly Lion, doesn’t it? But those “cowardly” reactions
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are understandable. After all, who wants to be hurt … or oppressed …
or killed? So, why look evil directly in the face—unless we have to?
Yet, like our heroine, we reach a point where we do have to. It’s a point
where we can neither ignore evil nor run from it anymore. A point
where we can’t escape it … can’t hide from it … can’t even get rescued
from it. In order to claim our birthright of freedom, we must finally
come to grips with this dreaded enemy, to confront and challenge evil
—no longer from a safe distance, but on the very front lines of the
battlefield of life. It becomes our job to come face-to-face with—and
overcome—our own version of the Wicked Witch.
So, we do it. We identify the problem, gather up our courage, and
charge forward full throttle. Well, okay—many of us go into the battle
half throttle! All right, I’ll concede that some of us do it in low-low gear!
Okay, then again, some of us are dragged to war against our will in
reverse gear! The point is, one way or another, we set out to overcome
the Witch in our lives. We say “yes!” and pay whatever price is required
… and move a giant step closer to fuller freedom.
Now for the good news
Fortunately, there’s a very happy ending to our story. Dorothy succeeds
—fully and completely. Using water—an ancient symbol of cleansing
and purification—Dorothy actually kills the Wicked Witch. She delivers
herself from the awful clutches of evil. She is free, once and for all,
forever.
Dorothy’s liberation from the Witch demonstrates a powerful truth:
we too can be free. We too can overcome the darker forces of life and
pursue our own destiny.
Finally, we have a reason to believe, to hope, to be confident. Dorothy’s
victory is a sign that we can put ourselves to the rigorous task of
confronting pain and winning. We’re not left forever to endure the
dependent life of a Munchkin or a frustrated life of constant struggle.
The truth is: if we dare to go head-to-head with the Wicked Witch in
our life, we can win. We can win.
Adolescence
Our Journey
Do you remember your teenage years? For most of us, our adolescence
is an uncomfortable blend of two extremes—wonderful yet terrible,
liberating and turbulent, dynamic but confused. No wonder we have so
many mixed feelings about that remarkable stage of life!
Yet, adolescence is a powerful and important time for most of us. It’s
when we become driven—sometimes really, really driven—to be free.
We put behind us “the things of a child,” and strive to find our adult
selves. We throw water on the very values that we earlier embraced
without question, then watch them melt before our eyes. In their place,
we begin to adopt our own values and beliefs—ones that make more
sense to us. In these significant years, we decide to leave our
“Munchkinhood” behind forever. We reject our conforming and
obedient history, and declare our desire to be in charge of our lives.
Adolescence is our own Emancipation Proclamation, and our ticket to
Kansas, to freedom.
Dawn
I remember clearly a precious sixteen year old girl named Dawn. Her
parents brought her to me because she was “acting out.” Until several
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months before that, Dawn had been a model of conformity, obedience
and respect. She’d been a straight A student in school, where she was
consistently praised by her teachers. Now, her grades had sunk to D’s
and F’s; she was skipping class; and her newfound friends were, as you
can imagine, less than desirable.
No one knew what to do with Dawn. At home, she was disrespectful
and disobedient to her parents, rudely refusing to listen to them as they
tried to talk “sense” to her. As I saw it, Dawn’s parents genuinely loved
her, but had no skills for dealing with a rebellious teenager. They could
only see her as being misled and negatively influenced by her friends,
and as now having something “terribly wrong” with her.
Dawn and I really hit it off. She could feel that I didn’t hold the
judgment of her that her parents and teachers did. Also, she sensed
that I could see beyond her rebellion and appreciate her for who she
really was. She began being honest with me almost immediately.
“One day, something just snapped inside me,” she told me. “All of a
sudden, I couldn’t stand my parents anymore. The very thought of
obeying them became … like … totally nauseating. I realized that I had
never thought for myself; I had only done what I was told, trying to
please my parents and teachers. I just couldn’t stand it anymore! I
decided that I had to do what I wanted for a change. So that’s what
I’ve been doing.” I really appreciated her honesty.
I asked Dawn lots of questions—always with respect and caring—
trying to get clear about what was actually going on deep inside her.
Sure enough, like so many of us in adolescence, she had hit that point
where something inside demanded that she get free and be herself.
Free from the values and expectations of her parents. Free to find
out who she was, no longer as her parents’ little girl, but as her own
person, in her own right.
Dawn was trying to find this freedom in the only way she knew
how—by going to war… by trying to kill the Wicked Witch … by
rebelling, resisting, and revolting.
I’ve always liked to counsel teenagers. Their willingness to feel their
raw, messy emotions impresses me. Few of us are usually quite so
brave. Dawn certainly was. “You know what?” she told me one day,
“some days, I can barely stand myself—I’m so confused, so mean and
hateful! But, no matter how bad it gets, I never give up … I never give
in!”Yes, she stayed committed to seeing her quest for freedom through
to the very end.
Adolescence
I talked with Dawn’s parents, trying to help them understand what
was going on with their daughter. While helping them mourn the loss
of their precious Munchkin, I also tried to introduce them to the new
semi-adult who was painfully emerging before their eyes. It was hard
for them. Like most parents, they were reluctant to let go of their
tried-and-true (though no longer effective) controls, and to believe that
there might be something “trustable” in their maturing teenager.
Nonetheless, her parents tried hard. They agreed to reexamine their
expectations, ease up on some of their rules, and attempt to treat
Dawn with a newfound respect. Dawn actually appreciated them for
their efforts and responded well to the more relaxed system, but still—
understandably—clung just as tightly to her quest for more freedom.
The hard part for Dawn—and for most teenagers—was to shift her
focus from the outside to the inside. I helped her see that, while she
had defined her parents and teachers as the Wicked Witch, that same
Witch was also living inside herself. I told Dawn that she was at war
with her old Munchkin self as much as with her parents. I showed her
how, while killing off her parents’ authority, she was also trying to kill
off her own “conforming child”—the needy self that she would never
again let herself be. It was definitely a battle on two fronts.
Little by little, Dawn let herself look inside. Slowly, she fought less and
less on the external front, and sent more troops to the inner campaign.
Specifically, she learned how to be more gentle with herself—she
threw the healing waters of self-love onto her Munchkin self, then
watched it melt in peace. I had her write a good-bye letter to her childlike self, and a separate letter of welcome to her new self. Once she
felt more in charge of the “death” of her old self—and more peaceful
about it—she didn’t need to rebel quite so much on the outside.
The end result was this: Dawn slowly became a free person. She
decreased her rebellion while becoming more responsible in making her
own decisions. With her parents doing their best to trust her and allow
her more autonomy, she slowly allowed herself to love them again—
now as their semi-adult, independent daughter.
Dawn found herself. She found freedom. She did it by killing off the
external Witch of her parents’ authority and the internal Witch of her
own dependency. I was proud of her. After working with her for about
a year, I congratulated her on a major victory. Like Dorothy, she had
melted the Witches in her life, and was now free to find her own way
to Kansas.
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Isn’t Dawn’s story powerful? She not only shows us how turbulent
our teenage years can be, she also demonstrates the remarkable
possibilities that those years hold. At the other end of our adolescence
lies freedom. Freedom from pain, freedom from oppression, and, most
of all, freedom to build our life. Freedom from, freedom for.
How often we shy away from our own violent emotions simply because
they feel so raw … so primal … so scary! Yet, if we’re willing to accept
them and walk for awhile with them—as our brave teenagers do—we
can find amazing freedom on the other side. Why, you ask, is this
willingness so important? Because …
Freedom for children of all ages
… adolescence isn’t reserved just for teenagers. It hits all of us—you
and me, no matter how old we are—at different points in our lives.
Remember, freedom is our birthright … and the search for it is a vital
part of our human nature. However, our need for freedom doesn’t just
give out one big war cry—when we become teenagers, for example—
then die out. No, indeed. It calls us to arms time and time again—
whether we’re two, fifteen, twenty-five or sixty-five years old. If
there’s a Wicked Witch standing in our way to freedom, watch out!
No matter how old we are, here we come! We’re that motivated …
that driven … that committed to being free!
Still, even when we’re older, most of us don’t find facing the Wicked
Witch any easier. In fact, confronting our demons is never comfortable.
It’s an intense, disturbing experience. To overcome obstacles and
injustices, we have to reach into our inner reserves and pull out a hefty
dose of courage and bravery.
Debbi
Debbi was a thirty-five year old married woman. She was Mormon
—an involved, dedicated church worker—and the mother of three
children. Debbi had always done what was “right.” She sincerely
tried to obey her parents in her youth, live according to her Church’s
commandments, and, more recently, to be a good wife and mother.
Everything was going along pretty well for Debbi until something
unforeseen happened. You see, Debbi met a man—a very different
man from any she had known. This man, Roscoe by name, was not
only not a Mormon, he was a free spirit. He did pretty much whatever
he wanted. No commandments, no rigid moral guidelines, no overly
educated conscience! Roscoe was sweet and sensitive, but ethically
his own person.
Adolescence
Debbi fell for Roscoe in a big way. Nature’s chemistry took over, and
an overwhelming sense of love, not to mention good ole lust, filled
Debbi’s body. It was a force the likes of which she’d never encountered. In fact, she was so driven that she couldn’t control her love/lust
impulses, no matter how hard she tried. And she tried hard!
Soon, she and Roscoe were hot and heavy lovers. When Debbi was
away from him—alone with her thoughts—she was tormented and
filled with guilt. “How can I be doing this? I’ve got to stop seeing him.
My soul is in danger!” Needless to say, however, the very next time
she saw him, all those feelings flew right out the window, and she had
only one thing on her mind: “I want him! I need him! I love him!”
After a few months of this chaos of torture and bliss, Debbi came to
me for help. She poured out her pain, begging me to help her save her
marriage and return to her former life. There was only one small hitch,
as I soon found out—Debbi was unwilling to give up seeing Roscoe.
“I can’t let him go!” she admitted, confessing guilt and shame at her
addiction to Roscoe. “When I’m with him, I feel alive! I feel real! I feel
like me! I’ve tried everything to convince myself to stop seeing him—
and I just can’t … I can’t!” She was sobbing as she choked out these
last words.
Where to start? Debbi is like so many of us who put all our eggs into
one basket—the basket of Munchkinlike obedience in Debbi’s case.
As you know, life has its mysterious ways of inviting us, sometimes
violently, right out of that basket and into a much larger world. That’s
what happened to Debbi. Yes, on the surface Debbi yearned for the
good old days of her protected conformity, but, deep down, she would
not let herself go back into that safe and secure basket. She had finally
experienced something else … she now knew the delicious taste of love
and freedom! No, she couldn’t turn back now! Her heart was screaming at her to “hang out” in the bigger world of freedom long enough to
discover her “bigger self.”
That’s exactly what Debbi did. She agreed with me that it was time
for her well educated conscience to take a back seat to her heart’s—
and her soul’s—invitations. It took courage and resolve for her to
command her conscience into the background for the time being,
but she managed to do it. She and I then discussed what those
“invitations” from her heart—she felt they were coming from God
as well—were all about.
Here’s what she discovered. She had never really grown up. She
never rebelled as a teenager, never really thought for herself as an
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adult. Then, she married her husband for the security and respectable
life that would give her—factors that were important in her family
and religion. She enjoyed doing what was right, but slowly began
wondering what she was missing. She managed to ignore and control
those thoughts fairly well … until she met Roscoe.
The invitations to Debbi, then, were these: Find out who you really
are. Move beyond your conforming past, and let your love filled heart
breathe the fresh air of life. Discover a bigger world than you’ve known
before, and then let that world fill you with its precious gifts of love
and freedom.
That’s exactly what Debbi decided to do—say “yes!” to the invitations
of life, of her heart and soul, of God. Despite feeling disloyal to and
dishonest with her husband, she stayed in the relationship with
Roscoe, and let it run its course. As I had suspected, it was relatively
short-lived; Roscoe wasn’t one for long-term commitments. In fact,
this affair wasn’t about Debbi leaving her husband and marrying
Roscoe—and Debbi gradually realized that. No, her time with Roscoe
was all about opening up her malnourished heart, and bringing the
dynamic power of love into her life.
Her romance with Roscoe ended about six months later. Debbi was
grateful for what the experience had done for her—mixed, of course,
with feeling genuinely sad over its ending. She confided to me, “I’m so
glad that I forced myself to take a ‘time out’ from my conscience and
to stay in the relationship. I feel like love has really filled my heart now,
and that that it won’t ever go away. Now, I can face the rest of my life
as a real person, a loving person, a full woman.”
That’s what happened. Debbi reevaluated her relationship with her
husband, and decided that she actually loved him. In fact, now that
Roscoe had come and gone, she felt a new wave of love for her
husband—one that felt genuine and, well, bigger. She brought her new,
love filled self into her marriage, and spent the next couple of years
building that bond into a mutually rewarding one.
Yes, Debbi went from adolescence—rebelling against her Munchkinlike
past and going for freedom at all costs—to adulthood, responsibly
taking charge of building a new life in Kansas. It was at first frightening
and potentially overwhelming for her, but she did what was necessary.
She forced herself to live with the torturous debate in her mind and
with her raw emotions long enough to come out on the other side in
one piece.
Adolescence
Debbi shows us how important it is to hang in there when the powerful
call to freedom is sweeping over us. Whenever that insistent drive
overtakes us, there is always an important message for us, a special
invitation, a remarkable opportunity. Debbi allowed herself to stay with
the quest, painful as it was, trusting that its promise of freedom would
be hers. It worked—because she persisted … because she was tough.
What about my old Munchkin attitudes?
Beyond having to get tough, though, something else is essential. When
we’re fighting for our freedom, we also have to change our old limiting
attitudes. For one thing, the seeming luxury of feeling sorry for ourselves
doesn’t work any longer. Thinking that life is just being terribly unfair to
us gets us nowhere. In fact, these grumbling and complaining tactics
actually turn into heavy burdens in our quest for freedom.
Nor does blaming others for our problems help us. Believing that we’re
a victim may feel good in some ways—in fact, it’s downright comforting
to a dyed-in-the-wool Munchkin. But it’s a waste of time when we
want to be free.
Here’s the point: those Munchkin-like tactics—self-pity and playing the
victim—simply don’t get the Witch killed. They may be acceptable keys
to surviving as a Munchkin, but they’re completely useless in gaining
our freedom. Sure, most of us manage to take some time for both, but
they actually hold us back from the very freedom we desire. When we
become freedom fighters, they become liabilities. Why?
For one thing, like Dorothy, this is our time to prove ourselves. Stepping
into freedom is no longer about being taken care of, being treated kindly
by life, or being protected by someone else. There’s no longer any
strength in numbers, no option of being rescued. On the contrary—
we’re on our own! At these terrifying times, we must be willing to face
the dreaded Witch all alone. It’s up to us to get the job done. If we’re
successful, we earn our freedom; if we fail, we accept full responsibility
for the loss, and try again. It’s up to us.
Where is the Wicked Witch?
So let’s say that we’re ready to face the Witch. No matter how old we
are, we feel the call to freedom. We’ve gathered our courage, changed
our attitudes, and are ready to find our treasured freedom. Now for the
next step—where’s the Witch?
Finding the Wicked Witch can be tricky. Sometimes it’s obvious. After
all, if a friend has turned against us and is threatening us with bodily
harm, we don’t have to look very hard to realize who the real Witch is.
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At other times, though, the Wicked Witch is more subtle. For example,
we may know that we’re feeling frustrated and restricted, but we’re not
at all sure why. We go through the list of possibilities in our mind, but
are still unclear about who or what the real problem is.
In fact, we sometimes make a mistake and go after the wrong “bad
guy.” Even when we say, “there’s the Witch!” we can be wrong. For
example:
Oscar
I once provided therapy—no, I should say I tried to provide therapy
—to a thirty year old man named Oscar. He was dragged into my
office by his wife, a long-suffering, discouraged woman who was at
her wit’s end with her husband. This unhappily married couple had
three children, all of them with problems of their own. You’ll soon
see why.
Here was the situation. Oscar had gone through twelve jobs in the
past two years. T-W-E-L-V-E jobs! For various reasons, he had either
been fired from or had quit every one of them. As a result, his hard
working, responsible wife had to get a job—which, unlike Oscar, she
had managed to keep over time—and also raise her children as best
she could with no help from her husband.
Here’s the part you’ll find interesting. Every time I asked Oscar about
what happened on a particular job, his response was, “My boss had it
in for me,” or “My supervisor didn’t like me. I couldn’t figure out why.”
Those statements were usually followed by, “I don’t know what his
problem was; he just decided to give me a hard time for some reason.”
Well, it doesn’t take much insight to realize that Oscar blamed everyone except himself. Totally blind to his own faults, he was unable to
see himself doing anything wrong. In his mind, he was the good guy,
and his bosses were the bad guys.
In short, Oscar identified the Wicked Witch as the unfairness of his
supervisors. His solution, his way of killing the Witch: quit and walk
out (“They can’t treat me like that! I’ll show them!”), or be such a
non-performer on the job that his bosses had to fire him (“Those guys
really must have a problem!”). This is a powerful example of looking in
the wrong place for the Witch. Oscar’s Wicked Witch wasn’t outside
of himself. It was an inside job.
I realized quickly that sweet and gentle hints about “reality” were the
last thing Oscar needed. Instead, he needed to be hit over the head
Adolescence
with the facts. So, I tried twenty or thirty, maybe forty ways of getting
him to see that he was creating the problem. I pointed out to him how
he was refusing to take responsibility for his actions, confronted him
with how he was indirectly expressing his own anger, and showed him
how insensitive he was to everyone else in his life. On and on … over
and over … every way I could think of!
I say, “I tried” because I made little headway. No matter what, Oscar
simply wouldn’t let himself change his view of himself or his life. After
several sessions, he left therapy—probably saying to himself, “I don’t
know what Bill’s problem was; he just decided to give me a hard time
… for some reason!”
Oscar is a potent reminder to all of us. His story shows us how critical
it is to be honest with ourselves when we’re identifying the Wicked
Witch. Yes, all of us would do well to check our thinking twice before
we say definitively, “That’s the Witch!”
The Witch out there … The Witch in here
Oscar’s story also gives us a direct hint about where we can look for
the Witch. Plain and simple, we can find our Witch in one of two
places. Externally—outside of ourselves. Or, internally—alive and well
as an intimate part of our own makeup. Let’s look at these two options
more closely:
• The External Witch: The cause of our difficulties may take the form
of an external situation, person or circumstance. For example, we
might:
be the victim of an abusive parent or a negative family situation;
live in a society where our freedoms are restricted or prohibited;
belong to a religion or group that limits a free style of belief or
activity;
have been abused, threatened or hurt by a hostile or vengeful
person;
be made fun of by our peers, or treated unfairly by an authority
figure.
• The Internal Witch: That elusive cause may also be internal and
personal. It might be a part of our own limitations or emotional
style. It could be, as the saying goes, that “I have met the enemy,
and he is me!” In this sense, the internal Witch could be:
our own fears, feelings of inadequacy, or personal insecurities;
our repeated addictions, unhealed pains, or unresolved conflicts;
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our lack of faith and trust in ourselves, or our inability to love
ourselves;
our blind spots, chosen ignorance, or irrational thinking;
our feelings of anger, blaming of others, or feelings of being a
victim.
Okay. Let’s say that we’ve looked conscientiously both outside and deep
inside ourselves, and we’ve correctly identified who and where the
Witch lives. We’re sure, clear about what’s holding us back. Now what
do we do with this unwanted oppressor?
Wait a minute! Let’s get the “killing” thing straight!
First of all, we don’t do it literally, the way Dorothy did in Oz. As we
know, she resolved this question quite dramatically: forcefully throwing
water on the Wicked Witch of the West, killing her on the spot. In one
grand gesture, Dorothy got rid of her problem.
However, we cannot—and should not—resolve our difficulties by going
out and actually putting our enemies to death. Besides the extreme
consequences—like getting thrown in prison for the rest of our lives—
killing someone is not right, fair or noble. So, let’s be clear: I’m not ever
advocating that you literally kill the person who’s giving you a hard
time.
Real-life killing isn’t the point of the Oz story anyway. Remember, like
all fairy tales, the story of Oz is a metaphor—and killing the Witch is
a symbol of strong, decisive action. It’s an invitation to overcome our
problems and move beyond our pain. So, whenever we talk about
“killing the Wicked Witch” in these pages, it’s up to you to translate its
invitation into your own life—not literally, but symbolically.
The two roads to ending the Witch’s reign
Now that we’re clear about what Dorothy’s killing the Witch really
means, let’s take a fresh look at the truly important question: how do
we do away with the Witch? Once again, Dorothy comes through for
us. She shows us two different approaches: the first is based on power;
the second on trust.
Dorothy demonstrated the first style, that of power, by her strong
determination. As she set out for the Land of the West, she was
focused, committed, and resolved. With her firm will and tenacious
spirit, she was intent on getting the job done. She intended to confront
the Witch directly and finish her off—and she did exactly that!
She showed us the second style, that of trust, by her utter lack of
planning and her faith in her own impulses. She was willing to just
Adolescence
show up and figure out what to do once she found the Witch. Here,
she displayed an openhearted attitude of willingness and trust.
We can use these same two methods when we’re confronted with
our own terrible Witch. I’ve chosen to call the first one the Western
approach, and the second the Eastern approach. Let’s look at both of
them more fully:
The Western Approach: Search and destroy
Doing away with the Wicked Witch can be a grueling, often terrifying
task. Sometimes, especially in times of distress or crisis, there is simply
no soft and sweet way of accomplishing the job. It calls for decisive,
direct and courageous action. That’s when a Western style serves us
best.
Let’s look again to Dorothy. Notice that she didn’t speak compliantly
or gently to the Witch. She didn’t try to negotiate for a peaceful
release. On the contrary, she destroyed the Witch through the direct
and powerful act of throwing water on her. That took courage … will
… determination. That’s what the Western approach is all about.
We win — the Witch loses
In the Western approach, we care about one thing—winning. Coming
out on top is our bottom line. We get firm and focused, plan a strategy,
and then deal decisively with whatever is in our way. Our tactics are
more “masculine,” take-charge, get-the-job-done.
This forceful, confrontational style calls for a strong will and resolve
on our part. We stand up and face our Wicked Witch directly, despite
any fears we may have. There’s no question about it. Our underlying
attitude is this: we win, the Witch loses … we overcome, it yields …
we survive, it’s destroyed.
How does it work?
How does this Western approach work from a practical point of view?
Plainly put, we combine our will and intelligence to implement a clear
and decisive plan of action. If our demon is internal, for example—let’s
say it’s our own insecurity—there are several steps we can take to “kill
it off:”
• First, we make a personal commitment to overcome it fully. No
halfway measures, no “make it just a little less painful” approach.
We determine to go all the way, be totally successful—no matter
how afraid we are! “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
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• Second, we determine a clear and strong strategy to wipe out our
insecurity. With our “will” and resolve now clear, we focus on “the
way,” our specific means of achieving success. We come up with a
precise plan, a particular approach for doing away with the Wicked
Witch.
• We then implement our strategy, with continued resolve and strong
determination. We “just do it!” In the case of our insecurity, for
example, we clearly instruct our insecurity to go away. To take its
place, we program ourselves with affirmations about our personal
worth and power. Next, we place ourselves in situations that require
us to be self-confident, and courageously support ourselves in being
successful.
• Throughout the process, we monitor our progress, checking to make
sure that every ingredient of our game plan is both in place and doing
its intended job. For example, we verify that our resolve remains
solid, pumping it up where it may have become deflated. Or, we
notice a weakness in our strategy, and immediately strengthen it. We
perform this protective oversight all the way to final victory.
The above outline demonstrates a specific “how to” of a Western style
of defeating the Wicked Witch. Each particular version of the Witch
will, of course, call for its own style of “killing.” Here’s an example of
my own version:
Those Nagging Symptoms
There was a time in my life when my body regularly produced those
nagging symptoms—like headaches, colds, and fatigue—that just
irritate those of us who “suffer” from them. Well, I had lived passively
with these minor ailments for many years, assuming that they were a
necessary part of life. Then, I started to rethink that assumption, and
finally decided that it was high time that I began to enjoy better health.
My first approach was to tenderly coax my body into a healthier state,
lovingly asking it to stop giving me these annoying symptoms—the
“kinder, gentler” approach. After a couple of years, though, I had
gotten nowhere with my loving requests. So, I decided that it was time
to take a Western approach. Here’s what I did.
First, I gathered my personal resolve—I committed to winning. “This is
it!” I told myself, “Today, I take charge of my body! From now on, it
has no other choice—it will start obeying me!” To my surprise, this
new resolve felt good. I could actually feel a fresh sense of confidence,
Adolescence
a slight surge of power coming to life in me … just because I was in
touch with my will!
Next, I literally talked to my body. I commanded it in no uncertain
terms to stop creating these symptoms. “STOP IT!” “Stop producing
these silly pains—and stop it now!” I kept talking, telling my body in a
firm and authoritative tone that, from now on, I, not it, was in charge,
and it had to obey me. “No more headaches, no more colds, no more
unnecessary fatigue! That’s all there is to it. Disobedience or rebellion
will not be tolerated. Case closed!” I kept talking until I felt deep inside
myself that I had “gotten through” to my body. Again, it felt good to
take such a bold, decisive approach.
I then got to the “or else!” portion of my threat. “Now hear this!” I
announced to my body. “If you ever produce any of those symptoms,
I will literally starve you of all attention. I’ll ignore them and simply go
about my life as though they weren’t there.”
Well, that’s exactly what I did! As you might expect, my body did
occasionally test my resolve. Whenever that happened, I implemented
my plan. I refused to go to bed (which would have nurtured my body
with rest), take medication (which would have fed it with drugs), or
mention my symptoms to others (which would have reinforced it with
sympathy).
In short, I removed every bit of support, approval and reinforcement
for my body’s historical ailments. My body would have to learn that
I was totally serious about being in charge and determined to win. It
would have to see my resolve and consistency as power, and decide
to give up its old ways, learn healthier habits, and join me in a more
positive approach to my life.
Sure enough, after a few months the symptoms began to decrease,
and after about two years disappeared altogether. It worked! I was
free!
You know, I had never understood why the soft approach to my body
hadn’t worked. After all, we hear so frequently how important it is to
love our bodies. It was only after I succeeded in my bold, Western
approach that I realized why my gentler requests had failed. It was
this: I had not only been lovingly asking my body to discontinue these
nagging symptoms, but also to give up its power over me.
Power is often addictive—and when people are in the power position,
they don’t let go of it easily. It often has to be taken from them by force.
In this case, my body had the power to control me, and wasn’t about to
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give it up voluntarily. It was up to me to take that power into my own
hands—by force. By doing so, I learned that there are times when a
strong Western style of overcoming our Wicked Witch is not only
appropriate and effective, but absolutely necessary.
The Western approach to eliminating our barriers to freedom is a
potent tool. While many of us might ideally prefer a softer, easier
means to resolving our problems, there are times—as the example of
my body shows us—when it simply doesn’t work.
Yes, clearly there are times when a Western approach is our best ticket
to freedom.
The Eastern Approach: Let go and trust
Yet, there’s an ever so different approach that is just as powerful as the
Western path to freedom. Much less confrontational and forceful, this
second style is gentler and kinder, more loving and peaceful, more
“feminine” and embracing. I call it the Eastern approach.
This model doesn’t invite us to challenge and overpower our Wicked
Witch, as the Western approach does. Rather, it invites us to trust.
That’s right, instead of being forceful, we’re trustful … instead of being
aggressive, we’re flexible … instead of being willful, we’re receptive.
Dorothy’s “Eastern” side
Let’s look again to our heroine. In addition to her independent and
strong Western nature, Dorothy also showed us a distinctively feminine
side, a truly trusting attitude toward life.
Note, for example, how unprepared she was as she went after the
Wicked Witch of the West. She had little idea of how to find the
Witch, let alone how to kill her. She didn’t calculate a plan of attack or
map out a strategy. No, she just set out confidently for the Land of the
West, trusting that she would know what to do when she got there.
Even after being captured, Dorothy bided her time. She waited for the
opportunity for victory to come to her, rather than trying to create that
opportunity herself. When the moment finally arrived, she trusted her
instinct to throw water on the Witch, not something that she had
planned in advance.
Indeed, Dorothy knew how to let go, to resist attempting to control
her surroundings. She trusted her intuitive sense, her personal ability to
succeed. She believed in herself and in the bigger forces of life to take
excellent care of her. What a striking model of Eastern-style living …
Eastern-style winning!
Adolescence
Was Dorothy afraid? Of course she was! All of us are afraid. Yet, she
didn’t allow that to paralyze her or to hold her back. Parallel to her fear
was an ever present trust in herself and in life. From deep in her heart,
she was confident that, despite all fears and obstacles, everything
would turn out well. Indeed, in every instance, it did!
In her confident Eastern approach, Dorothy shows us how to trust
ourselves … and how to trust life. She models how to show up to life
and all its challenges, with the faith that its powerful forces will insure
our survival. How simple and natural this style is!
Trusting ourselves … Finding our inner power
As we’ve just seen, Dorothy believed in her innate ability to come
through any challenge … in her potential to accomplish any task she
faced. In short, Dorothy believed in herself.
The same thing is true for you and me. Confidence in our capacity to
master life’s difficulties is a powerful key to finding freedom. When we
believe in ourselves and trust our inherent ability to achieve our dreams,
we’re already well on our way to realizing them. When we know that
we have a right to succeed, the steps to success fall into place.
Marilyn
Marilyn was forty years old when she came to see me. She was a
dynamic and successful attorney, a natural leader, and a woman with
tremendous energy. She had never married, but had lots of close male
and female friends. Everyone around her admired her as a model of
success.
Nonetheless, Marilyn was laughing on the outside and crying on the
inside. Unknown to most of her friends, she had been depressed most
of her life. She told me that her days were filled with self-doubt, her
nights with worry. She was constantly fearful that something might go
wrong—in her job, in her relationships, in her “anything”—to upset the
nice world she had so meticulously built.
Get the picture? Marilyn was an overachiever, one of life’s true success
stories—but she had built her success on sand, not on the rock of her
own self. She didn’t believe in herself, so she felt insecure and afraid.
The consequence? She spent half of her life worrying about how
everything might fall apart—though nothing disastrous ever really
happened!
In our first session—before I knew about her self-doubt—Marilyn told
me that she wanted my help in developing her leadership skills. In fact,
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her exact words were, “I want to be a really great leader!” I accepted
that statement at face value, until, well, until I got to know her better.
Then, one day, I said to her, “Marilyn, I think that you’ve got enough
leadership skills. I don’t think you need any more.”
“What do you mean?” she asked me, a look of genuine confusion
spreading across her face.
“What I mean is this: as I see it, you’re already a great leader. First,
you’re a natural—you don’t even have to work at it—and, second,
you’ve already learned the important leadership skills. Your problem
isn’t a lack of skills, it’s a lack of confidence in yourself.”
I let those words sink in for several seconds, then continued. “Here’s
the deal, Marilyn—you don’t see yourself realistically. You don’t realize
that you’re already whole and complete, just as you are. You seem to
believe that your road to happiness is to keep building a stronger
fortress—more skills, more external success. You know what? You’re
wrong!”
I stopped again, seeing that I had given Marilyn as much as she could
digest. She quietly chewed on my words for a moment, occasionally
giving me that “uh oh, I’ve been found out!” look.
“I’ll spell it out for you,” I replied. “As I sit here and look at you, here’s
what I see: a dynamic and wonderful person, a beautiful woman full of
life and hopes, a deeply sensitive and feeling human being who
deserves for her dreams to come true. I see a great leader!
“As you sit here and look at yourself, here’s what you see: a person
who puts on a good show but doesn’t really deserve success, a woman
who pretends to be great but basically lacks personal greatness, a
human being who has to hide her insecurity so that it doesn’t bring
about her downfall.”
Again, I paused, giving Marilyn time to let my contrasting descriptions
sink in. Then, I slowly and emphatically added, “Obviously one of us
has the wrong perception of you!”
Marilyn looked up at me, an expression of shock on her face. All of a
sudden, the full implication of what I had said hit her. After decades of
believing that she was a terrible person with a shameful problem—a
self-perception that her mother had generously and gladly helped her
develop—she now faced a startlingly new way of seeing herself. “You
mean that … maybe I only thought I had a problem … maybe I’m
Adolescence
really okay as I am … maybe my nightmarish fears about myself are
wrong?” I didn’t respond, wanting Marilyn to supply her own answer.
“Do you realize what you’re saying?” she continued, this time with
more strength in her voice. “You’re telling me that all I need to do is
change the way I see myself … stop believing the lie that something’s
wrong with me … start to see a bigger truth about myself!”
Then, a big smile came on Marilyn’s face—it was actually the first time
I’d ever seen her smile. She shifted her position in the chair, looked
directly at me, and blurted out, “Okay, Bauman, you’re on! I think I like
this approach! I’m ready! Let’s get to work!”
So, get to work we did. Brick by brick, we tore down the wall of selfdoubt that she and her mother had so carefully built. Piece by piece,
we dismantled her beliefs about her inadequacies. Step by step, we
undid her fears that she was wrong or bad. In the place of all those
doubts and insecurities, we built a new self-concept founded on the
truth about Marilyn, on the reality of who she was—one that let her
see herself clearly.
I was so proud of Marilyn. She worked hard to find a self in which she
could finally believe. Over time, I saw her let go of worries about what
might go wrong, and trust herself to handle situations as they arose. I
also noticed that she stopped trying to control people around her, now
having the faith that she could deal with whatever they might do.
Most remarkably, I saw Marilyn like and accept herself, even love herself just as she was. She started to relax in her relationships and in her
life.
Toward the end of our time together, Marilyn was fully in touch with
her delightful and powerful true nature—and finally trusted herself. I
don’t know whether others noticed a difference in the quality of her
leadership, but I do know that Marilyn now felt far more comfortable
and confident in herself as a leader.
Marilyn had killed the Wicked Witch of self-doubt—not with a
Western, confrontational approach, but in an Eastern, trusting way.
She loved herself to victory. She overcame the Witch by learning to
trust her skills and her worth. Marilyn found freedom by just being her
natural self.
Marilyn is a wonderful example of what can happen when we place
our trust in ourselves. Picture yourself in her shoes … then imagine
how tough it would be to reverse years of brainwashing and falsehood,
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to discover the truth about who you are. Her example has certainly
inspired me in helping so many other people find the real truth about
themselves … in helping them learn to trust themselves.
How about a blend?
Isn’t this Eastern approach to claiming our freedom powerful? I believe
that it’s just as powerful as the Western approach. The good news is
that we don’t have to choose between the two. We can use them both.
In fact, Dorothy showed us how. In her awesome task of undoing the
Witch, she blended both the Western and Eastern styles beautifully—
by first trusting herself and life … then confronting and attacking the
Witch. When used together, we’ve got a potent dual approach to
winning our freedom.
Have you noticed how often people pit these two perspectives against
each other, claiming that one is superior to the other? I’ve known many
people— psychologically oriented ones, usually—who so value the
Western ideal that they look down their noses at the Eastern style.
For them, taking charge and getting the job done is what life is all
about. I’ve also known others—usually more spiritually oriented—who
sincerely believe that the Eastern attitude is far more “enlightened”
than the Western. For them, putting their faith in their inner wisdom
and in life is what it’s all about.
Personally, I’ve never understood why so many people believe that we
must choose one approach over the other. They’re both great! Neither
is innately superior—they’re simply two roads to the same destination
—freedom! Each one is powerful in and of itself, and has its own unique
place in our lives. There’s no opposition or conflict between the two—
unless someone chooses to create one. So, how about if you and I
embrace “both/and” instead of “either/or”! That’s what Dorothy did—
and it worked for her. That’s also what Andrea did.
Andrea
Andrea has been a friend of mine for many years. Like Dorothy, she’s
one of those special people who seem to have “the sign of Glinda” on
their foreheads. For Andrea, life just bestows gift after gift upon her.
Andrea is a very Western-type person—a hard worker who has held
prominent positions in large companies. She’s a master at organizing
programs and people to get any job done. Her take charge style and
skills have netted her countless promotions and successes. Whenever
a need arises, she’s the first one to jump into Western style action.
Adolescence
Yet, Andrea is equally Eastern in her attitude. She’s extremely open to
the protective and supportive gifts of life—she calls them “miracles.”
These miracles happen in her life with great regularity. According to
Andrea. “I expect them, so they find me.” How’s that for confidence?
Here’s an example of her blended Western-Eastern approach. There
was a time when, because of circumstances beyond its control, her
family plunged overnight into dire financial straits. Andrea knew that
something needed to happen right away, before they suffered complete
monetary ruin. She racked her brain, in typical Western fashion, to
come up with a plan of action—but this time, nothing seemed to
work. No effective options presented themselves, and no amount of
bold, overcome-this-obstacle thinking helped. Her Western style had
hit a definite wall, and she was just starting to think that it was time to
shift into a more Eastern gear—when …
… she stopped in at her local photocopy shop. While there, she struck
up a conversation with the store’s owner. Within minutes, the owner
told her that he had just decided to return to his native country and
needed to sell his business quickly. Impressed with Andrea, as everyone is, he asked her if she wanted to buy the business—at an asking
price of $200,000.00. Andrea quickly replied that, though she’d love
to, she didn’t have a spare dime to her name—so she declined, finished
her photocopying chores, and left.
The next day, the copy shop owner phoned her. He explained that,
after talking with her yesterday, he felt “inspired” to give her his
business. “What?” Andrea stammered in surprise. “You want to give
me your business? A gift? Without my paying you anything at all?”
“That’s right!” responded the owner in a determined and positive tone.
“After our conversation yesterday, I realized that I could get along
without the money, and I really want you to have the business. So,
you would do me the favor of accepting my offer?”
Andrea got over her shock quickly—remember, these things happen
to her regularly—and graciously accepted his offer. The next day,
she became the immediate owner of the photocopy store, including
supplies, contracts and all its equipment, which was worth more than
$100,000.00. Her financial worries ended in one day —because she
was flexible enough to take the “both /and” approach to overcoming
the Wicked Witch of financial stress.
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Andrea’s example is an inspiring reminder, not just of the grace and
effectiveness of the Eastern way, but of the power that’s ours when
we’re open to using both Western and Eastern approaches to freedom.
You may think that Andrea’s story is a bit “far out,” that she must be
an exception to the rule … that something this unusual would never
happen in your life? I understand, but …
… I have to tell you that I’ve seen literally hundreds of these so-called
“miracles” or unexpected gifts happen in the lives of people I’ve known.
They’re not all as impressive as the one that happened to Andrea—
though some have been even more so—but they happen … and they
happen regularly. Sure, they may seem unusual to our Western-trained
minds, but I’ve found them to be just as common as the “results” of
Western style approaches.
Do you know why it’s sometimes hard for us to believe in life’s power
to give us such gifts? It’s because most of us are looking at life through
Western eyes and haven’t yet opened our Eastern eyes fully. So, we
simply don’t notice the gifts that gently unfold before us. I think that
Andrea has a point—we usually become aware of these miracles once
we’ve opened our minds to them, and even more so when we expect
them in our lives. Once we start looking for life’s gifts, it’s amazing how
many of them we see.
The double whammy …
You and I possess a double power in life—two approaches to help us slay
the Wicked Witch and find our freedom. Both of them are potent, both
of them effective. When we use them together, our chances of victory
are enormous.
So, whatever your natural style—Western or Eastern—use it and enjoy
it! Since it’s natural to you, you can count on it to help you in the future
just as it has in the past. And … in addition … open yourself to the
other perspective. It has wonderful powers that will serve you just as
well.
With these two dynamic approaches to freedom now in your hands,
you can’t miss finding the freedom you want. For you, the Wicked
Witch will soon be history!
Adolescence
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Remembering . . .
The Western approach to freedom
... You have a right—and a duty—to grow up. Nobody stays the same forever.
Being a child is fun for a while, but staying there too long becomes boring.
... No matter how scary it is, remember–you can overcome the Wicked Witch!
You can do it. You really can! Don't give up. Keep moving forward.
... Always remember your goal—you’re working for your freedom, nothing less.
Don’t let any distraction get in your way or move you off track.
... Be clear about what you’re breaking free of. Know who the Wicked Witch is.
Ask yourself: is the real cause of my pain outside of me, or is it an inside job?
... Even if your Wicked Witch is external, you’re still part of the solution.
You always have to change yourself as well as the external situation.
... How committed to success are you? 50 percent? 100 percent? Be honest.
Don’t leap forward until your resolve is strong enough to see you through.
... Do you really want to be totally free? Or are you rebelling out of frustration?
If you’re mainly looking for revenge, chances are you’ll not get free.
... What’s your plan? Your strategy? Is it clear and defined enough?
If you know what you’re doing, your chances of success are increased.
... If you’re angry, accept your anger as a helpful tool in your quest for freedom.
And invite it to be short-lived. A little anger is good; too much makes you sick.
... In defeating your Wicked Witch, become even more responsible for your life.
Freedom without responsibility often creates another unwanted Witch.
... Reach out to your friends or family for emotional support and sound advice.
Ask one person to support you lovingly, and another to guide you objectively.
Adolescence
The Eastern approach to freedom
... Letting go means giving up trying to control those around you.
Let others be the way they are. Stop trying to change them.
...Stay open to success. Believe in yourself and your right to succeed.
Your freedom is worth pursuing. Don’t doubt yourself.
... Believe in your own instincts, your intuitive hunches, your natural reactions.
Chances are that they’re usually more accurate than you think they are.
...Trust yourself—even if you’ve learned not to do so.
You’ll probably find that you can trust yourself a lot.
...The key to trusting yourself is first to love yourself unconditionally.
Stop judging or finding fault with yourself. Love yourself as you are.
...Trust life also. Notice how life supports you and takes care of you every day.
Once you notice this support, invite yourself to believe it and to look for it.
... Flowing with life means that you’re living with a power bigger than yourself.
Accept that power in your life. Find it in the simple happenings of each day.
...See life as a cherished friend, helper, and support.
Just as you would with a friend, talk to life, appreciate life, invite life.
...No matter how scary the Wicked Witch is, remind yourself of this truth:
Life wants you to win, and life will help you win. Turn to life—use it.
...When we let go, a greater wisdom takes over and creates our next steps.
You can feel less responsible for those steps. Enjoy letting go!
... Being open and trusting never means being passive and permissive.
If it feels like a sign of weakness, maybe you’re being too selfless.
... You deserve victory and freedom. Never stop believing in your deservingness.
Even if you fall on your face, start over … knowing that you’re worth it.
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5 Adulthood
Owning personal power
Click your heels!
Adulthood
Dorothy’s Journey
Dorothy, Toto and their friends—the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, and
the Lion—soon found their way back to the Emerald City. As you can
imagine, they were eager to tell the Wonderful Wizard that Dorothy
had killed the Wicked Witch. More than that, though, they couldn’t
wait to collect their promised rewards.
Once inside the Emerald City, our five heroes were quickly led to the
Wizard’s palace. Again, his booming voice greeted them, and they
immediately announced the good news. The Wizard was surprised and
delighted at this unexpected turn of events, and heartily congratulated
them all for their bravery.
Now for the awful truth!
Dorothy wasted no time in getting right to the point. “Now, Wonderful
Wizard,” she proclaimed, “please send Toto and me back to Kansas,
and give my three friends the gifts you promised them.”
“W-H-A-T?!?!” roared the Wizard. His threatening tone frightened
everyone. Dorothy was speechless, but Toto reacted as any startled
dog would—he grabbed a nearby curtain in his mouth, and pulled it
down off its rod.
A strange, confusing scene emerged. No longer hidden behind the
curtain, a small man stood holding a large microphone. Dorothy and
her friends suddenly realized that the Wizard’s overpowering voice had
come from this simple looking little man.
Dorothy stared in astonishment. “Are you the Wonderful Wizard?” she
asked. Looking embarrassed and ashamed, the man stuttered his honest
response. “No, my dear, I’m afraid that I’m not.”
“Then … who are you?” Dorothy demanded.
The man sheepishly shared his story. Like Dorothy, he had accidentally
come to Oz many years earlier. His arrival confused the people of Oz,
so they assumed that he must be a Great Wizard. Not knowing what
else to do, he accepted the role … and had been pretending to be a
powerful Wizard ever since. Everyone in Oz had believed in his special
powers … until that very moment.
“So, you see,” he stated apologetically, “I’m just a fraud!”
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Time to rethink
“Oh dear,” Dorothy exclaimed, “what can we do? Now I can’t go back
to Kansas. My friend the Tin Man can’t receive his heart. Our precious
Scarecrow won’t ever get his brain. And my dear Lion will never have
courage.” She looked sternly at the imposter, “You are a terrible man!”
At that point, the Wizard—that is, the man who had pretended to be a
Wizard—replied, “Oh no, my dear, no! I’m not a terrible man. I’m just
a terrible Wizard. I’m really quite a good man.”
This “good man” sprang into action. He turned to the Tin Man with
compassion and said, “Just look at the great love and devotion you
have shown to Dorothy and your other friends during your journeys!
You do have a heart—a wonderful, loving heart! And you created it all
by yourself!”
Next, he directed his attention to the Scarecrow. “And you!” he said.
“Look at how your clever thinking has helped your friends ever since
you joined them. You really are very intelligent—you simply haven’t
admitted it to yourself yet! Actually, you have the very brains that
you’ve wanted now! And the best part is, you found them yourself!”
Then he focused on the Lion. “And look at you, Lion!” he proclaimed.
“How courageous you have been through all the trials of these last
days! You never let your fear hold you back from facing any threat.
You’ve protected your friends with confidence and strength. You see,
you have courage already—and you developed it on your own!”
Dorothy’s three friends considered these words deeply. “You’re right!”
they exclaimed together. “We never needed a Wizard after all. Our
wishes have been fulfilled. And we did it all by ourselves!” Their joy
could be felt throughout the room.
…But what about Dorothy?
Dorothy, however, looked very, very sorrowful. “I’m most grateful for
your kind words to my friends,” she proclaimed to the wise man. “It’s
clear that what you have said about them is the truth. But no such
words will ever get me back to Kansas. I’m stuck here forever!”
Dorothy began to cry, and now the pain of her tears filled the room.
In the midst of her sobbing, Dorothy heard a new but familiar voice.
She looked up to see Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, gazing at
her lovingly. Surprised, Dorothy asked her why she was there.
Glinda explained, “I’m here to tell you the truth about yourself,
Dorothy! What is true for your friends is also true for you. You don’t
need anyone outside yourself to help you return to your beloved
Adulthood
Kansas. Like your friends, you already have that ability within you.
Remember what I told you about the ruby red slippers on your feet.
These magical shoes hold the very power that you need to fulfill your
wish.”
Glinda continued, “Yes, Dorothy, you have had this power with you
from your first day in Oz. Now it is time to use it. Simply click your
heels three times, and your wish to return to Kansas shall be fulfilled
immediately.”
Click your heels … The power is yours!
Dorothy was astonished at what she heard. Deep within herself,
though, she felt the truth of Glinda’s words. Even more, she felt a
newfound trust in her own power. So, Dorothy waved good-bye to
her friends, held Toto in her arms, and closed her eyes. Then, she
confidently clicked her heels one … two … three times!
Instantly, she and Toto were swept back to Kansas.
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Finding the Meaning
How ironic! From her first moments in Oz, Dorothy had the very key
she needed to get back to Kansas—her magical, powerful ruby red
slippers. What’s more, that key had been with her all the time, through
all her ups and downs, right there on her feet.
The real irony is this: it never even occurred to our heroine that she
was walking through Oz with such an awesome power on her own
feet! Even though she looked at those shoes every day, she had no idea
that they held such a remarkable ability. All that time, she kept looking
elsewhere for her ticket home—specifically, to the Wonderful Wizard.
The Wonderful Wizard is a w-h-a-t?
Imagine how disillusioned Dorothy and her companions must have felt
when they discovered that their would-be rescuer was an impostor, a
fraud! After risking their very lives because they believed his promises,
they discovered that he was nothing more than a fake. To their utter
dismay, they realized that their faith in this mighty Wizard … that is,
this ordinary man … was totally groundless.
Think how you or I would have felt in the same circumstance—angry,
betrayed, disappointed, embarrassed? However, our emotional reaction
isn’t the important point here. There’s a much larger lesson that
Dorothy’s experience with the Wizard is demonstrating to us. It’s this:
we all make the same mistake that Dorothy did. Like her, we all look
outside of ourselves for the answers to our needs.
That’s right. We don’t even see the ruby red shoes that are comfortably
resting on our own feet. We never notice that we possess the power to
answer our own questions, to solve our own problems, and to create
our own destiny. We forget that we—you and I—are the ultimate
authorities of our own lives.
How does this happen? How can we just “forget” about such a
wonderful fact of life? Simply put, it’s because we’re so busy looking
elsewhere, beyond our own strengths … to a supposed Wonderful
Wizard out there … to some rescuer, teacher, or helper. We seem to
like to give our power away to others.
This pattern of ours reminds me of an ancient Hindu legend that I first
heard many years ago.
Adulthood
Finding Our Power
In the beginning, human beings lived happily on the earth. They loved
one another, and shaped their own destinies. People realized that they
had been given the wonderful gift of being totally in charge of their
lives, and they used this gift to create happiness and peace.
After a long time, however, humans began to misuse their gift of
power. In place of happiness, they created conflict. Instead of peace,
they sowed the seeds of hatred. Soon, there was fighting, pain and
confusion.
Brahma, the chief god, became quite concerned. He called a meeting
of all the lesser gods, and described how the people were misusing their
power. “We’ve got to do something!” Brahma told them.
The gods deliberated long and hard. Finally, one of them came up with
a suggestion. “Let’s take human beings’ knowledge of their special gift
away from them for awhile, and hide it! Maybe, after ‘forgetting’ for a
time, they will feel a stronger need for this power, then rediscover it on
their own.”
The other gods liked this idea. “But where will we hide the knowledge
of their power?” asked one of them. “We have to hide it somewhere
where it won’t be easy for them to find.”
Many suggestions followed. “We could hide it on top of the highest
mountain,” voiced one of the gods.
“No!” replied Brahma. “Human beings are very inventive, and they will
soon find a way to scale the tallest mountain. They will find it too
quickly.”
Then, another god proposed, “Let’s hide it at the bottom of the
ocean.” The gods liked this idea, but soon realized that people would
also quickly discover how to reach the bottom of the seas. They again
concluded that human beings would too easily find this valuable gift.
Other suggestions followed. A faraway island … deep inside the earth
… the surface of the moon. But they were all rejected for the same
reason—people would soon find it.
After a long pause, Brahma’s eyes lighted up. “I have the perfect hiding
place!” he announced. “We will hide human beings’ knowledge of their
power deep inside them, within their own hearts. Surely, no one will
ever think to look there!”
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And so it is that, even today, people are searching far and wide for
their power to create their lives. Many proclaim, “I have found it here!”
or “I have found it there!”Yet, few have yet thought to look in the real
hiding place—inside their own hearts.
In its touching simplicity, this ancient fable makes an important point
—you and I spend a lot of time looking to other people for our answers.
We have heroes whom we idealize, counselors whose wise advice we
seek, and countless other “helpers” whom we consult. When in need,
we turn to friends, leaders and teachers of all sorts to help us out. We
place our trust in these people. We follow their authority—just like
Dorothy did with the Wonderful Wizard.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that seeking advice is a bad
thing. In fact, it’s often exactly what we need—especially if we haven’t
learned yet how to find our answers within ourselves. What I am
saying, though, is that many of us look to others in ways that decrease
our own power and devalue our own authority. When we place our
faith in others, we so often lessen our faith in ourselves.
That’s what Dorothy did—in turning to the Wizard, she gave away her
own power. In the process, she set herself up for a major disappointment
—the very same disappointment that you and I face when we give
away our power. Yes, like Dorothy, most of us eventually discover that
our idealized heroes have clay feet.
The Path to Power
During my early adulthood, whenever I was in the midst of tough
changes in my life, I found myself seeking out knowledgeable teachers,
skilled helpers, or wise leaders to guide me. These Wonderful Wizards
quickly became my heroes. “With their power and help,” I would think
to myself, “I can really make my life work!”
Then, inevitably, the predictable disappointment would come. Every
time I thought I had found a Wonderful Wizard, I soon noticed that
his or her feet were made of clay—not of the ruby red slippers of
power. One by one, all my heroes came crashing down from the high
pedestal on which I had so carefully placed them. The result—I was
left to guide myself through that difficult phase of life … all alone …
by myself.
This pattern happened enough times that it got my attention. I felt not
only disappointed, I felt downright deprived—as if life was easier for
people who clung to gurus and teachers than it was for me. In my ever
so logical mind, they were somehow blessed; I was somehow cursed.
Adulthood
As the years passed, however, I noticed that these “blessed” people
often remained Munchkins—followers. They never got around to
thinking for themselves, and they were not living their lives powerfully.
They stayed stuck in a life of servitude, while I had moved on to take
charge of my life.
That’s when a profound realization took root in me. How fortunate
that “life” had not allowed me to have a teacher! Because of being
“cursed,” I had been forced to look inside myself—into my own
heart—for answers, rather than take the easier path of relying on
someone else.
Sure, it was harder at first, because I had to search long and hard in
the unfamiliar territory of my heart. After awhile, though, I discovered
that finding those answers inside myself became easier and easier. In
fact, after a few years of practice, it became much easier than looking
to someone else to “advise” me. Today, I am so grateful that life
“cursed” me as it did.
What a gift it was to me, and to Dorothy, to discover that our Wizards
were frauds! If she or I had gone on looking to our Wonderful Wizard
—or, once he was out of the picture, to some other “authority”—to
rescue us, we would never have discovered what a marvelous power
was hidden right in our own hearts. The extraordinary secret of our
own magical shoes would have remained exactly that—a secret. I find
it so fascinating that our most bitter disappointments usually turn out
to be our biggest gifts!
Let’s make another distinction: not all Wizards are frauds. At least,
they certainly don’t intend to be frauds. Most of our cherished helpers
are well-intentioned, gifted people who are sincerely trying to make
our lives better. Their motivation is often pure and genuine. Frequently,
though, they’re so caught up in their own helping role that they don’t
know when to kick us out of the nest, make us stand on our own feet,
force us to come up with our own answers. They give us the aid we
need for awhile, then—because they allow us to remain dependent on
them—they become part of the problem.
Now, let’s bring you into this scenario. I’m sure that you’ve had the
same experience as Dorothy and me. Your cherished Wizards have let
you down … your favorite heroes are revealed as frauds. Suddenly,
you’re on your own. There’s no one else to take care of you. It’s all up
to you. You have to find your own answer, provide your own solution.
Then, you hear in the distance the voice of Glinda—the wise truth of
your own heart—telling you that your power to realize your dreams is
not out there, it’s inside yourself.
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So what do you do? First and foremost, you stop expecting others to
give you the answers or to do your work for you. Like Dorothy, you
turn your focus from “out there” to “in here,” that is, to yourself. That’s
when you start to notice that, right there on your very own feet, you’re
wearing powerful, magical shoes.
We walk with a magical power
Yes, it’s true: you and I are wearing the same magical shoes as Dorothy.
That’s right—we hold the identical key to happiness within ourselves
that she had. We possess the same awesome power to realize our
dreams. And, like Dorothy, we’ve been carrying that key around with
us throughout our whole lives, probably without even knowing it.
The ruby red slippers—what a remarkable symbol of our personal
power! These magical shoes represent the innate, inborn authority that
you and I have to make our own dreams come true. When Dorothy
dared to click those mighty heels, she presented us with an entirely new
“fact of life”—that we have an amazing power within ourselves. It’s the
power to create our very own Kansas … to mold our lives to our own
liking.
Just think about that statement for a moment! “We—you and I—have
the power to make our dreams come true … to create our lives the
way we want!” Isn’t this remarkable, mind-boggling to think about? It
introduces us to a radical new possibility for living—the possibility of
being totally in charge of our lives!
Let’s digest this fact for a moment. It’s telling us that there’s another
world waiting for us once we’ve overcome the major obstacles in our
lives—that is, once we’ve defeated the Wicked Witch. When we walk
away from that difficult battlefield victorious, we walk into a vast, new
world—the wonderful world of personal power. We can now enjoy the
very freedoms that we’ve fought so hard to win.
Harry
I have a good friend named Harry, and he’s an all-around wonderful
person. Harry had attended a number of my seminars over the period
of a few years, and we had developed a strong mutual respect for each
other. I’d like to tell you about a deciding moment in his life.
Harry was in his late thirties, and was known as a gifted and popular
“helper.” He had never married, but had been involved in several
intense and intimate relationships—most of which ended painfully.
Unfortunately, Harry usually sought out women with a lot of personal
problems, and he spent the duration of the relationship helping them
Adulthood
get all their problems healed. You see the handwriting on the wall
already, don’t you? You’re right—once his girl friends felt healed of
their personal pain, they didn’t need him anymore. So they left him,
and went off to find a relationship that was more fun.
In addition, Harry had attended more “personal growth” seminars than
you can imagine, and had been in therapy to heal his own emotional
pain over many years. He was always “working” on himself. Needless
to say, Harry never thought he was “enough”—not healthy enough,
not healed enough, not lovable enough. He kept right on learning life’s
three C’s through endless seminars, and battling his Wicked Witch in
everlasting therapy sessions.
One day, I confronted Harry about this pattern. “Don’t you think it’s
time that you stopped learning how to live and actually start living?” I
asked him. While he was considering my question, I continued. “Look,
Harry, I believe that you’ve learned enough about how to grow, how
to love, how to take charge. What’s more, I think that you’ve already
healed enough of your personal pain to be done with it. How about it?
Isn’t it time to stop healing and start living?”
Harry stared at me as though I’d just expressed a terrible psychological
heresy. The look of shock on his face was evidence that my words had
just presented him with a totally new concept. His belabored response
showed how much I had upset his old way of thinking. “What do you
mean?” he exclaimed. “I thought that life was all about healing our pain
and growing into our fullness. That’s certainly what my life is all about.
I thought I was doing a great job!”
“Exactly my point!” I blurted out. “You’ve done a really great job. But
that’s exactly where you’re stuck. Consider this: that has been your
purpose in life, Harry … it was the meaning of your life. Look, I think
you’ve ‘been there, done that!’You’re kicking a long dead horse. Now,
it’s time for you to move on to new territory, to consider a new
approach, a different purpose for your life. Do you want me to tell you
about it?”
His open mouth and furrowed brow told me that I was still talking
Greek to him, but I decided to continue anyway. “Okay, listen to this:
I think you’re ready to do something radical—something absolutely
revolutionary. First, quit healing yourself, and quit trying to better
yourself … then, just be happy with yourself as you are, and live your
life the way you want. From now on, it’s your life, Harry. Try making it
what you want it to be!”
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What I was trying to tell Harry is that he had already killed the
Wicked Witch, but hadn’t yet realized it … that, in my opinion, he was
already “healed” enough to have earned his freedom. I was inviting him
to “let go” of his struggle and live his life in a whole new way … to
close his eyes, click his heels, and create his own Kansas.
The toughest part, as you can imagine, was to help Harry grasp that
such a bold step was literally possible for him. Like so many of us, he
just couldn’t let himself believe that he had the right to stop fighting the
Witch. He found it so hard to give himself permission to let go of the
battle and do life his own way.
As chance would have it, that next weekend he attended another
seminar I was giving. You’ll never guess what the topic was: “Living
Free—Taking charge of your life!” Harry was quiet throughout; he
spent his time doing some serious thinking. At the end of the weekend,
he approached me with a startling announcement.
“I’ve made a decision, Bill! From now on, I’m finished with learning
life’s lessons. I’m done with healing my personal pain. I’m finished
saving my girlfriends from their problems. You’re right—I’ve done
enough battling. I’m ready to collect my reward. From this moment
on, I’m going to decide what I want in my life, and then go for it.
Beginning today, I stop struggling, and I start living!”
It was a dramatic proclamation on Harry’s part. Within that weekend,
he had reevaluated his struggle with the Wicked Witch, and realized
that she had actually been dead for several months. So, he decided to
bury her and move on to Kansas. Harry really “got” it. He accepted
that he was free, gave himself permission to click his heels, and set out
to do life his own way.
I can’t begin to describe to you the happiness Harry experienced in the
weeks following his bold decision. He felt like a thousand pounds of
responsibility had been lifted from his shoulders—completely free of
pain and struggle.
Best of all, he actually started to build his new life right away. He
changed many of his relationships—leaving behind people who needed
him, and seeking out new friends who knew how to enjoy life. He
stopped dating women with problems, preferring to go through a dry
spell in his love life rather than repeat his past style of intimacy. He
stopped going to seminars—in fact, I never saw him at one of mine
again—and discontinued his therapy. He developed new interests
Adulthood
and fun hobbies—now actually doing the things that were on his
“someday” list.
Then came the crowning jewel in Harry’s new approach to life. After
only several months of creating his own Kansas, he met a wonderful
and special woman … one who fell in love with him not because of
what he could do for her, but because … well, just because she loved
him from the bottom of her heart. He also loved and adored her, and
shortly they were married. These two continue to make beautiful
music together, and have been living happily ever after for many years
now.
Harry doesn’t even think in terms of healing his pain anymore. His
battles with the Wicked Witch are over. Instead, he thinks in terms
of making his life enjoyable. Yes, he’s too busy clicking his heels every
day, too busy creating a full and happy life, to bother with things like
“bettering” himself. Harry’s in Kansas full-time now, and he loves it.
I wanted to share my friend’s dramatic story with you, because it so
illustrates the magic and power of our ruby red slippers. Like Dorothy,
Harry had no idea that he held the power of magic on his feet, nor that
he had the right to use that awesome power for himself. Once he
noticed those slippers, though, and realized that their power was his—
he dared to close his eyes, click his heels, and create his life. It worked
for him, big time. And it can work for you and me.
Can it work for everyone?
Harry was able to enter this remarkable world of personal power for
one important reason. He had already walked through all the steps
necessary to get there. He had first said “yes!” to a life beyond
Munchkinhood … then he spent many years mastering the three
important skills of life … and finally he completed his personal battle
with his Wicked Witch. In short, Harry had laid a strong foundation
for clicking his heels. Now, at last, he was ready to put the magic of his
shoes to work in his life … ready to enjoy the freedom for which he
had worked so hard.
So, let’s answer the question. Can it work for everyone? Yes, this power
is available to every one of us—to Harry, to Dorothy, to you and me.
Not all of us are ready for it though. Let’s remember, it’s not so easy to
create our lives to our own liking if we’re still looking for Munchkinlike
security … or still giving our power away to other people. If those
themes are occupying most of our attention, we’ll have little time or
energy left to even notice our magic shoes, let alone know what to do
with them.
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Are You Ready?
This point was made real to me once when I was leading a seminar on
personal empowerment. I had been suggesting to the participants that
they consider themselves 100 percent responsible for everything that
happens in their lives. You know, “don’t blame anyone else … don’t look
outside yourself for a Wizard … perceive yourself as the ultimate
authority … the buck stops here, at your own door!”
One of the participants meekly and self-consciously raised her hand.
“What you’re talking about,” she hesitantly confessed, “simply terrifies
me. It just scares me to death.” A look of deep distress had spread over
her face, and she was noticeably distraught. Concerned, I asked her to
tell us more about how she was feeling.
“Well, I can’t stand the thought of having all that responsibility. It
leaves me feeling … well, just overwhelmed! Don’t get me wrong—it
sounds really good. But what a terrible burden I’d feel if my whole life
were up to me! What if I make the wrong decision? What if something
went wrong? What if I failed or made a mistake? Then … well, it
would be all my fault. I’d feel so embarrassed … so ashamed! I’d be
eaten alive with guilt.”
What a touching, genuine response on the part of this very sincere
woman! I could literally feel her pain as she spoke those difficult words.
What she was telling us was this: “I still feel like a scared little
Munchkin. I’ve got my hands full just facing life every day and
wrestling with my Wicked Witch. Look, I’m nowhere close to being
ready to try on the power of my magic shoes.”
Here’s what I did. I told her that her sense of being overwhelmed was
totally understandable, and that she was absolutely right to be feeling
the way she did. I encouraged her to simply ignore what I had been
advocating—“assume that it just doesn’t apply to you right now”—
and keep her focus on graduating from Munchkinhood.
Those ruby red slippers were right there on this woman’s feet the
whole time, of course—just like they were for Dorothy. It’s just that
she was too busy dealing with the daily challenges of life’s yellow brick
road to notice them. At this point, she simply wasn’t ready for them.
She’d have to wait for another day to step into their awesome power.
Now back to you. This wonderful power rests right there in your own
heart. The key to your accessing and owning it forever is the same as it
Adulthood
was for Dorothy and Harry—just keep saying a gigantic “yes!” to all of
life’s opportunities. Especially, say “yes!” to these three big invitations:
• First, say “yes!” to going beyond your Munchkin need for safety and
security. As soon as you start moving out of Munchkinville, life will
invite you into its next world of possibilities: learning the three C’s.
• Then, say “yes!” to learning the skills of consciousness, caring, and
courage. Once you’re having fun mastering these three C’s, life will
send you a personalized invitation to overcome your own Wicked
Witch—that is, to overcome all the obstacles to your freedom.
• Finally, say “yes!” to facing your fears, and slay that terrible Witch.
When that happens, life will open its next door for you: the dynamic
door of personal power.
Once you step through this last exciting door, you open your eyes wide,
and finally discover your very own magic slippers. That’s when real
power enters your life and changes you forever. Those slippers instantly
become your one-way ticket to happiness.
Click your heels three times, and … welcome to Kansas!
Clicking our heels three times. A one step, grand leap into creating our
lives. What a dramatic, radical invitation to a completely new way of
living! No more self-doubt, no more working toward success, no more
wrestling with life’s scary Witches! Just taking control of our lives …
making things happen the way we want … being in charge!
Harry had a hard time believing that he had a right to claim the power
of his own magic shoes. Like him, it’s hard for most of us to believe that
we can honestly, truly be in charge of our own destiny. Believing that
we deserve this power … knowing that it is our birthright … being sure
that it’s really ours to use—these are the real keys to clicking our heels.
And they’re all about believing!
Certainly, if you’re like most of us, you hold these concepts as an
ideal—that is, as something to search for and inch toward. Be honest,
though—do you really, really believe that you actually have the right to
live this ideal full-time?
For whatever reason, most of us feel too unworthy, too unprepared, or
too humble to click our heels, and literally be our own ultimate authority.
We’re so used to feeling undeserving, inadequate or just plain “not
sure” that we rarely get to the point of truly believing that we have full
command over our lives. Dorothy got to that point, though—after she
exhausted all other avenues. If she can do it, so can we.
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That’s right—it’s more than possible to get there. We can believe with
all our heart … we can know in the core of our souls … we can grasp
from the depths of our gut … that we have the right to take complete
and total charge of our lives. Once this belief becomes an intimate part
of us—once we know deep inside that such a mighty authority is ours
—then we’re ready to hold our dreams in our arms, say good-bye to
our past, and click our powerful heels. We can do it—yes, we really
can—if we only know we can.
I think that Glinda’s message to Dorothy is designed to cure any doubt
on our part. Glinda represents the pure and simple voice of truth—in
this instance, the truth about our personal power. When she told
Dorothy, “You have had this power with you from your first day in Oz!”
she was giving you and me the same potent message: we are born with
this remarkable power … with our own version of ruby red slippers. It’s
our heritage … our nature … our destiny. How difficult a concept is
that?
The concept isn’t difficult at all, of course. Accepting and believing it is
the challenge. To help us with that challenge, Glinda tells us that we
don’t need others to rescue us; we can rescue ourselves. She invites us
to look inside our own minds and hearts for the answers to all our
needs. She even informs us that it’s possible to make all of our dreams
come true, no matter how impossible or unrealistic they may seem—
if we just believe strongly enough in our power to create them.
Can you believe Glinda? Let’s make that question more personal. Can
you believe the stirrings of your own heart that tell you to “go for your
dreams!”? Sure you can! You can, because it works. It worked for
Dorothy, for Harry, and for countless others who’ve dared to find and
click the heels of their personal power. It can work just as well for you.
Putting it all together
Let’s look at how this happens. You and I have a wondrous power—
we can be completely in charge of our lives, turn our dreams and
desires into everyday realities, and become the full and final authority
in creating our own destinies.
Like Dorothy, most of us move into this power bit by bit, a step at a
time. First, we leave Munchkinhood behind … then, we learn our three
C’s well … finally, we do away with our Wicked Witch. Once we’ve
finished these important tasks, we’re free to discover a whole new
power—the power of our very own magic shoes—by moving through
three important stages:
Adulthood
• First, we stop looking outside of ourselves for rescuers, teachers
and authorities; we stop giving our own power away to other
people; we dare to face life on our own.
• Second, we look inside our own selves—especially in our hearts
—to find our ruby red slippers; we find our personal authority,
and claim it for all we’re worth.
• Third, we believe … with all our hearts … that we have a right
to own this wonderful authority over our lives, and to use this
remarkable power.
With these three steps under our belt, we’re finally ready to click our
heels and enjoy life. Now let’s look at how to do it.
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Our Journey
What a remarkable, even radical proclamation: we can accomplish
whatever we want, once we believe in and accept our own authority!
This dramatic statement introduces us to the all-powerful world of
our adulthood.
Remember when you were a child … and you looked so forward to
growing up? I bet that, like most of us, you were really excited about
becoming an adult. You probably anticipated it as a time of long awaited
freedom: “I’ll be able to do anything I want! I’ll finally be in charge of
my life!”
Then, it happened—you grew up and became a full-fledged adult.
What is it like for you? Does the reality of being an adult match your
hopes and expectations about it? Do you now feel “in charge of your
life?” Or, even though your age qualifies you as an adult, do you still feel
less than fully free?
Chances are, you’re in charge of a lot more of your decisions than when
you lived under your parents’ roof—and that feels really good. Yet, if
you’re like most of us, you probably are not ready to proclaim that you
are the full “creator of your destiny.”
Okay, I’m in charge! What do I do now?
Let’s be really honest with ourselves. Isn’t that exactly what being an
adult is all about … being the ultimate authority of our lives? As adults,
we’re finally willing to accept that we—and no one else but we—are
fully responsible for ourselves. That’s what distinguishes real adults from
teenagers or children.
That’s right! No more relying on others, no more blaming, no more
playing the victim! Instead of fighting for freedom, we live freedom. In
place of our old dependent ways, we enjoy a new life of independence.
As full adults, we make the final move from fearfulness to power, from
intimidation to authority, from timidity to control! It’s a revolutionary
leap—into a world where we now shape the course of our own lives.
When we finally decide to stop seeing ourselves as little, afraid or
weak, something magical happens. It’s this: our whole self-concept
changes. We realize something new and wonderful—that we really can
take charge of every significant aspect of our lives. We accept that we
can exercise authority over our emotions and thoughts, and master all
the challenges life presents to us. We embrace a wonderful new power
—one that keeps expanding … and expanding … and expanding.
Adulthood
Carmen, a very close friend of mine, is a striking example of this
wondrous leap.
Carmen
When I first met her, Carmen was one of the most delightful, lovable
Munchkins you could ever meet. She was enduring a very difficult
marriage with an emotionally abusive husband. Her childhood had
been appalling—with regular physical beatings and serious emotional
damage. When she left home and entered the world, Carmen felt
completely inadequate, insecure and very, very afraid of life.
As many of us do, Carmen built her new life on the patterns of her
past. She soon married an angry, power hungry man who quickly
began to abuse her, just as her parents had done. After several years
of daily intimidation, she finally got up the courage to divorce him. A
short time later, she met and married her current husband.
By now, I’m sure that you see clearly what Carmen’s life was like. She
had no confidence in herself … she couldn’t make healthy decisions …
and she gave away her power to her husbands—and to anyone else
who would accept it. Carmen simply did what she was told, both in
her marriage and in her jobs. It had never occurred to her to think for
herself, let alone to take charge of her life. To say that she had a poor
self-image would be an understatement—she had almost no self-image.
Well, as “fate” would have it, Carmen attended one of my seminars
—someone else had told her she should go. (No, she didn’t make that
decision on her own either!) During that weekend experience, it
occurred to her for the very first time that maybe her life could be
different—that is, maybe she could make it different.
Carmen had a long way to go, as you can imagine. She was living as a
fearful Munchkin … she had barely learned the basics of the three C’s
… and she hadn’t even considered overcoming the Wicked Witch of
her life. How in the world could she become an adult? If we were just
being logical (or is that “psycho-logical?”), we’d predict that she’d never
come close to enjoying the benefits of those ruby red slippers.
That’s exactly why I chose to share her story with you. Carmen did it.
It took her several years, but she actually pulled it off. She walked
away from her life of Munchkinhood into a life of mastery—not in one
fell swoop, of course, but in a series of long, strong strides. Here’s how
she made it happen:
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Shortly after that seminar, she timidly told me, “Bill, I, uh, think that,
uh, I’d really … uh, like to grow and, uh, well, you know, get healthier.”
It was a long, drawn out sentence, punctuated with many hesitant
pauses. Yet, there was something about Carmen that really got my
attention. I heard her—not just the damaged Carmen, but the real
Carmen, the “her” that lived way down deep inside—and I believed
her. She really wanted to be an adult.
I challenged her right off the bat. “If you want to be happy and in
charge of your life strongly enough, Carmen, I sincerely believe that
you can pull it off. It may take you awhile, and it won’t necessarily be
easy, but I honestly think that you can do it!”
Then, together we started to look at the “how to.” At the time, she
was a devout reader of A Course in Miracles, a spiritual book about
how to love unconditionally and take responsibility for one’s life. I
thought to myself, “This book can be a priceless way for Carmen to
learn the three C’s of consciousness, caring, and courage. What a
great starting place!”
It was then that I did something I had rarely ever done—I agreed to
mentor Carmen personally, all the way from learning those three C’s
to clicking her ruby red slippers. I even allowed her to phone me whenever she felt the need for some input or help. Why? Because I believed
in Carmen, but knew that she’d need extra help to pull it off.
As I recall, our “mentoring” took about eight years. The first years
were all about helping Carmen learn how to think (consciousness),
how to love (caring), and how to feel more confident in herself
(courage). A dedicated student, she not only tried hard, she learned
these lessons well.
Then, we progressed to her adolescence—her long overdue need to
kill the Wicked Witch. This was a tough one, but Carmen had learned
the lessons of self-love and courage well enough that now, finally, she
could begin to heal the emotional pain that came from her childhood
abuse. She loved to meditate—remember, she was deeply spiritual!—
and could let herself feel safe enough to confront that frightful Witch
in her daily meditations. Yes, it’s a different approach, but it worked
well for Carmen.
Bit by bit, she faced the terrors she lived with as a child. Bit by bit, she
overcame the feelings of fear in her own depths. Then, she faced the
awful memories of her first marriage—and again, over time she got
Adulthood
them out of her system. At last, after a few years of this courageous
process, Carmen was free. She had overcome her own Wicked Witch.
Now it was time for those wondrous shoes. I told Carmen that I, the
Wonderful Wizard on whom she had relied till now, would soon be
stepping out of her life, and that it would be time for her to click her
heels on her own. By this time, Carmen not only knew it was time to
be pushed out of the nest, she actually welcomed the challenge. By
herself, she decided to divorce her current husband, whose emotional
abuse she could no longer tolerate, and to create her own life. She
changed jobs, reentering the career that she had left behind many years
earlier in order to serve her husband. She established new friends —
real, caring, and supportive friends. Finally, she moved to a different
area of the country (no, it wasn’t the Kansas, but it was her Kansas!),
where she could start over and build the life of her dreams. At last,
Carmen was free … and in charge of her new life.
Isn’t this an awesome description of personal power? This dramatic
leap from a life of intimidation to a life of strength is striking. It speaks
compellingly to the hearts and hopes of all of us. It says: “Look, if I can
do this, anybody can!”
I agree. If you had known the Carmen who was such a frightened
Munchkin, you’d be as impressed as I am with the miracle that occurred
in her life. Her story is truly a course in miracles. Today, she’s a happy
and in charge woman. I am so very proud of her.
The four steps to power
When we become adults, it’s time for us to grasp a really big truth …
the one truth about living that we weren’t ready to hear until now:
the power lies within. That’s right—becoming an adult means being done
with feeling dependent on others, glorifying others, or blaming others.
We rely first and foremost on ourselves because, after all, the power
lies within us.
As adults, you and I have no time for complaining or feeling sorry for
ourselves, because we’re too busy living. We’re too excited about
creating our own destiny to bother with being intimidated or scared by
anyone or anything. We’ve stepped so fully into the world of being and
feeling responsible for everything that happens in our lives that we can
no longer imagine giving that authority away to someone else. In short,
we’re out there clicking our heels every day … tasting the power of
responsible, purposeful, and full living. And we’re loving it!
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The adult power we possess is not only amazing and impressive, but
also multifaceted. Indeed, it has four distinct ways of being expressed:
the power of wanting, the power of thinking, the power of affirming,
and the power of doing. We can also look at these as the four steps to
fully owning our power—the four steps to clicking our heels.
The Power of Wanting
Have you ever thought about the power of wanting? When we want
something—really want it strongly—we’ve just taken the first step to
getting it … simply because we truly desire it. That’s right. The moment
we want something, no matter what it is, everything in us shifts into
gear to make it happen. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way!”
Let’s say that you really, really want to own the power of your magical
shoes—that is, to be a fully powerful adult. The minute you engage
your will to take masterful charge of your life, everything in you starts
creating the means to make it happen. Automatically, you start noticing
your ruby red shoes, and learning how to click your heels. Why?
Because you brought your own deep-seated “I want this!” into high
gear.
Many people would like to feel more powerful in their lives, but stop
short of profoundly wanting it. Sure, they may wish that they felt more
powerful—and even complain when they feel powerless—but they
shrink from fully letting themselves want—that is, will—being powerful
because … well, because wanting it is the “go ahead” signal. When we
say, “Yes, I truly want to be powerful!” we are actually giving ourselves
permission to make it real, to make it happen.
Let’s face it. A lot of people—like the very sincere woman in my
seminar, for instance—simply aren’t ready for this responsibility. Their
“wishing” for it is their way of saying, “Someday, maybe I’ll want it
enough to be willful about it … but, for now, I’ll just sit around and wish
I had it!” In my opinion, that’s okay. Why push ourselves into anything
—being powerful or anything else—when we’re simply not ready?
Here’s the crucial question for you: do you really, truly want to live
more powerfully … to feel more dynamic in your life? Do you sincerely
want to be in charge of every decision you make and every thought you
think? Do you honestly want to be the one and only person responsible
for all your actions—your successes and your failures?
How you answer these questions is significant, because wanting to click
your heels is the starting place. If your response is a clear and strong
“yes!” then you’re ready to move on to the next step—the power of
thinking.
Adulthood
The Power of Thinking
The second step to being masterful is to own the power of our
thoughts—to take charge of our thinking. How we think isn’t just some
“automatic pilot” kind of activity, or some involuntary process over
which we have no control. Not at all! How we think is up to us. That’s
right—you and I are in charge of our thoughts.
For example, if our thoughts are filled with negative complaints—
making excuses, blaming others, feeling sorry for ourselves, or feeling
controlled—it’s only because we’ve chosen to keep thinking that way,
to allow our mind go in that direction.
We’re not victims of our thoughts. In fact, how we think is 100 percent
within our control. If you and I don’t like our thoughts, we can choose
to change the way we think. We can turn powerless thoughts into
powerful ones … self-pitying thoughts into self-fulfilling ones … fearful
thoughts into forceful ones.
Why do you suppose that taking charge of our thinking is so important?
Primarily because, just as is true with wanting, our thoughts are very
powerful. When we’re thinking positively, positive things begin to
happen in our lives. When our thoughts are constructive, progressive,
and inventive, watch out! … because those creative thoughts will bring
some surprising effects into our lives. Our thoughts are actually a
dynamic force, with a remarkable power to make things happen. “As
we think, so we are!”
Once we really, truly want something (step number one), and then
focus our thinking on it positively and powerfully (step number two),
we’re well on our way. At that point, we’re ready for the third step
—the power of affirming.
The Power of Affirming
The third step to being truly powerful is to affirm what we want. This
takes us beyond wanting something—it’s the more dynamic power of
intending to have it. Having taken conscious control of our mind, we
actually call what we want into our lives—we literally intend for it to
happen. We make a personal decision that says, “This will happen!” or
“I’m going to make this happen!”
For example, suppose you notice that you’re still feeling vulnerable or
inhibited—the unwanted leftovers of your childhood or adolescence.
You know that you want to feel stronger and more confident, but
what do you do? Well, you can actually challenge yourself to change
the way you feel. You can consciously intend to feel different, to be
more confident.
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You can intend to create a whole new you. For example, you can say
to yourself, “I will myself to be strong and confident … I decide to be
assertive and authoritative … I affirm that I’m becoming more and
more empowered.”
In short, the power of affirming lets us use the power of our mind to
decide to do something—having a clear intention about the outcome we
want. Once we affirm what we want, we’re well on our way. There’s
only one more step— actually doing it.
The Power of Doing
This is it. It’s action time, time to do something. Now, we actually put
our wants, our thoughts, and our intentions into gear. We take charge
and make something happen. Let’s say that we know what we want in
our lives, and we’ve just affirmed that it will happen. Now, we spring
into action and “just do it!”
For example, if I spend every evening watching television as a means of
numbing myself from the stresses of life, yet really am not happy living
my life this way, I’m not stuck. I can do something to change the way I
spend my evenings. In place of watching television, I can begin studying
a foreign language, or take a walk with a friend, or plunge into a new
hobby. I can bring something fresh into my life, something that lets me
“show up” to my life more powerfully.
This is the power of doing. Every time we do something to make our
life better, we propel ourselves forward—out of our past sense of being
numb, victimized or lost. We move ourselves into what’s possible for
our lives, and create a powerful future—simply by doing something
differently. In short, when we take charge and kick ourselves into
action, we’re clicking our mighty heels, and creating our own Kansas.
With every action on our part, we become a more fully engaged adult.
Now that’s power!
Miracles
There we have it, the remarkable, fourfold power that belongs to each
one of us. And, best of all, it’s resting right on our own feet right now.
All we have to do to click our heels is to claim every feature of it. Once
we do, we’re truly and completely in charge of our lives. Then, we find
ourselves in Kansas.
But wait. As if the four dynamic steps of power aren’t enough all by
themselves—and they really are!—there’s another aspect of our power,
a bonus element, a little something more. It’s what I like to call the
power of expecting a miracle.
Adulthood
That’s exactly what Andrea did (remember her story toward the end
of Chapter 4?). If you recall, she simply expected that great things were
going to happen in her life—and they did, big time! She’s an inspiring
example of the power of expecting something miraculous to happen.
We expect to receive a miracle. That’s right, a miracle! Let’s face it, a
miracle is nothing more than something out of the ordinary, something
not fully explainable by our logic. Miracles show up every day, for
countless people. In fact, isn’t that exactly what happened to Dorothy,
as she was whisked away to Kansas? A bold, extraordinary “bigger”
power simply took over, and created the very miracle that she wanted.
If miracles can happen for Dorothy—and Andrea, and so many others,
as well—they can also happen for you and me. After all, don’t we own
the same magical slippers? What’s more, we can do something to help
them occur—simply by expecting them to happen. Yes, we can expect
a miracle.
Just like the four powers of wanting, thinking, affirming, and doing, the
power of expecting miracles goes to work right away. It quickly and
naturally invites what we want and need to happen—in ways that are
not necessarily explainable by ordinary science. When we expect a
miracle, we automatically invite a higher force into our lives … and give
it permission to sweep us off our feet. Now that’s power!
Maybe you’re feeling some reluctance about this right now. I understand. Most of us feel like it’s great if a miracle should come our way,
but to expect it to happen? That seems a little too presumptuous, right?
If you really think about it, though, it’s not at all presumptuous. That’s
precisely the point—miracles are the very nature of our magic slippers
… miracles are exactly what empowerment is all about! That’s why I’ve
chosen to call the power of expecting the bonus element—it invites us
to reach out for even more power than is in our usual bag of human
tricks.
Once we add the aspect of expecting a miracle to our fourfold power,
we’re fully in Kansas … we’re powerful adults … and finally in charge
of our lives.
Show me!
Perhaps the best way I can demonstrate how to use our bonus power
is by giving you a real live illustration.
Maureen
Maureen was thirty-two years old when I met her. She had never been
married but had lived with a few different men, each one for a few
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years at a time. When she first came to me for help, she was at the
end of one of those relationships. It just hadn’t worked out. Once
again, she was severely depressed and feeling like life’s biggest loser.
Here’s the deal with Maureen. From her earliest memories, she hadn’t
felt really loved. Her father had left the family early on … her mother
was a daily alcoholic who controlled Maureen and her sisters with guilt
rather than love. According to mom, Maureen could never do anything
right. As you might expect, she quickly became withdrawn, sad, and
insecure. Later, her need to be loved found a home in her relationships
with men. Unfortunately, in intimate relationships Maureen was needy,
overly dependent, and afraid. She would never speak up for herself or
her needs, for fear of being rejected.
With my help, Maureen was soon able to put her last relationship
behind her. Now she was ready to start her life over again. That’s
when she asked me, “How long will this ‘pattern’ of mine go on?”
When I looked confused at her question, she continued, “Look, Bill,
I don’t want to be in another relationship, just to be dependent and
weak again, and left behind when he gets tired of me. I don’t want to
start over, unless I know it’ll be different next time. I need some …
some hope!”
Now, I understood her. I looked at her long and hard, finally saying
firmly: “Maureen, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to face that kind
of disappointment again either. So, I want you to listen to me—really,
really listen. You can make the past stop happening … you can make
the future different … you can make your life what you want it to be.
I’m sure about that, and I’m sure about you—you have that power
inside yourself. It will take a lot of courage and a lot of work on your
part, but you can do it.”
I offered to help her every step of the way. Maureen was skeptical, of
course, because every time she tried to change anything in her life, she
failed. Her confidence in her own power was practically nonexistent.
She felt the truth of my words, however, and felt that I could help her.
She needed a Wizard at that point, and I was it. “I don’t trust myself,
and I don’t really believe I can pull this off alone,” she said, “but I trust
you and believe in you enough to say, ‘let’s go for it!’” We had an
agreement.
Maureen and I “went for it” for over two years. We started with a
huge project: Maureen taking charge of her body. I sensed that her
depression was as much biological (that is, her body chemistry was
Adulthood
out of whack) as it was emotional. She was especially depressed and
insecure during her monthly period, and had been since she entered
puberty twenty years earlier. By now, Maureen simply assumed that
depression was her lot in life. I challenged her: “Let’s change your
body’s chemistry, so that it’ll stop making you depressed!”
“What?” she responded. “No one can do that! Bodies do whatever
they want, when they want. Nobody can change that!”
I let her finish, simply staring at her as she again blindly accepted her
fate. Then, I quietly responded. “Let’s get one thing straight, Maureen.
I believe in your power—obviously, I believe in it more than you do. I
know that you can change how your body works … if … that is, if …
you want it strongly enough and are willing to try.” That’s right—we
had to begin with the power of wanting.
Of course, I helped Maureen’s scientific mind by reciting the findings of
a few psychological and spiritual studies, just to prove to her that our
bodies do respond to our commands. Then, I challenged her again,
“Well, how about it? I know you want your body to stop making you
depressed. Do you want it strongly enough to start working on it?”
Maureen agreed, figuring that it was worth a shot. She bought in. I’ll
give you the bottom line right now: it worked. Over several months,
Maureen and I repeatedly told her body to stop creating depression.
I did it as part of hypnosis every time we met … she did it by herself,
every morning and every night. Bit by bit, her body cooperated. Her
depression lessened … and lessened … and finally went away.
Maureen had discovered a power that she never knew existed in her,
and she was impressed.
Now that she was starting to notice her own power, we tackled the
next issue quickly: her lack of self-confidence. Maureen had been so
beaten down throughout her life that she barely believed in herself. By
now, I knew her pretty well, so I was able to give her lots of positive
feedback about how special I thought she was—she really was, and is,
an extraordinary woman. As I did, I kept challenging her to believe it,
to own it as the truth.
Accepting that she was a wonderful person was hard for Maureen, but
she tried … and tried … and tried. What helped was this: now that
her body had stopped making her sad and depressed, she could think
more clearly, more rationally. After a few months of this focus,
Maureen told me, “I finally get it. I really am special. The only reason
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I couldn’t accept it was that I didn’t see it. How could I have been so
blind?” Maureen had just taken on the power of thinking.
Now we were ready for project number three: Maureen’s sexuality.
This one was delicate. One of the reasons that she had made such
disastrous choices in men was that she was so sexually needy. Her
need for love not only lived in her emotions, it acted out in her sexual
appetite. Her larger than life sexual needs simply overrode her ability to
think clearly. So, her libido was more in charge of her choices of men
than was her mind or heart. You can just imagine the consequences of
that setup. Yes, we had found her Wicked Witch of the West, for sure.
Now came my biggest challenge to Maureen yet. I first reminded her
of how powerful she was over her body chemistry … then I challenged
her to take charge of her sexual appetite the exact same way.
Surprised at my invitation, she gave me the same response as before.
“What? Come on now, Bill. Be realistic, will you? No one can change
a basic sex drive … It just is what it … is ….”
Her words withered into silence as she started to think about what
she was so emphatically saying. We passed the next few moments in
silence, as she continued to think, and think, and think. “Hmm,” she
slowly muttered. “I wonder … what if you’re right? It worked with my
depression.” She slowly looked up at me. “This would be the ultimate
test of my power, wouldn’t it?” I nodded my agreement.
So, we went for it—we tackled her out of control sexual needs and
drives. Happily, it worked, though this project took us about a year.
Ironically, the greatest difficulty we faced was not the stubbornness
of her desires, but of Maureen herself. Once her sexual needs started
to go numb, and she began feeling almost asexual, she started to complain, insisting that she didn’t want to lose her sexuality. Several times,
she was ready to back out.
Each time, I assured her that she wasn’t losing her sexuality at all, but
that those particular energies had simply gone into a cocoon—just like
a caterpillar does before changing into a butterfly—for a “remake.” I
reassured her that her libido would certainly come out again in several
months, and that, when it did reemerge, it would be more balanced
and healthy, more under Maureen’s control. Fortunately, each time we
had this conversation, she agreed to continue. She accepted the power
of affirming with a new sense of hope and commitment.
Sure enough, after several months, her sexuality slowly returned. And
sure enough, it was smoother (it lost its rough edges) and gentler (not
Adulthood
so out of control.) Maureen felt much more feminine and in charge of
herself in relation to men. She was ecstatic.
“You’ve made a real believer out of me,” she stated. “First, my body,
then my emotions, and now my sexuality. I never imagined that I could
be in charge of myself this way. I bet there’s nothing in my whole life
that we can’t change.”You could see the excitement about her newly
found power all over her face.
I stopped her in her tracks. “Not so fast, Maureen” I responded.
“You’re absolutely right—there is nothing in your life that we can’t
change. More importantly, though, there’s nothing in your life that you
can’t change.” I just shifted from being Maureen’s Wonderful Wizard to
being the voice of Glinda, reminding her of the power of her ruby red
slippers. She heard me, really heard me … and agreed.
Maureen finally believed in herself. Now that she had witnessed the
“miracles” that had occurred in her life, the rest was easy. From that
moment on, she was excited to try out her authority, and she clicked
her own heels regularly. She embraced the power of doing over and
over.
For example, on her own, Maureen started saying “no!” to go nowhere
relationships and inconsiderate men. Next, she decided to quit her
secure but boring job and move across country, to start a new life.
Once there, she found a position that challenged her to develop her
leadership qualities, and is now a recognized leader in that company.
In addition, Maureen found clarity about her life purpose—to do
something to help the environment. In her spare time, she’s now
involved in various projects for that purpose. She’s living the power
of doing every day.
Isn’t Maureen a wonderful advertisement for claiming our fourfold
personal power, complete with the miracle bonus? I can’t tell you how
proud of her I was, and continue to be.
Few of us are as willing as Maureen was to accept the full magic of our
ruby red shoes. Sure, she had to have some prodding from me at first,
but she did it. She fully accepted that she had an awesome power …
then she owned it big time … and now she lives every day of her life
with that power. Congratulations, Maureen!
What about you?
We all have that same power. Maureen isn’t just an isolated example
—as if “some of us have it and some of us don’t.” Nor is she simply
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“an exception to the rule.” Nope, she is the rule—and a model of how
powerful you and I really are.
It’s in our nature to be in charge of our bodies, our emotions, our minds,
our life circumstances. The shoes of that power are already on our feet,
just waiting to be clicked together. Do you find that hard to believe? If
so, I completely understand—after all, so did Maureen. For that matter,
so did Dorothy, and Harry, and Carmen—at first. But they all came to
see it, to accept it, to own it—then to use it. You and I can do the
same.
So, here’s the truth. You are just as powerful as Dorothy … just as
powerful as Harry … and as Carmen … and as Maureen. If you don’t
quite believe that, it’s probably only because you haven’t realized it yet.
Your lack of knowledge of it doesn’t change the truth, though. The
truth is that you are that powerful.
My whole purpose in writing this book is to help you recognize and
claim your power. That’s the reason I’ve shared with you my insights
about Dorothy’s journey. That’s also why I’ve included so many stories
from my own life, as well as those from the lives of so many of my
treasured clients and friends. Simply so that you can step into the full
power of your ruby red shoes … try on and use your remarkable power
… create your own Kansas … be in charge of your own life … and
enjoy real happiness. Nothing less than that—a completely powerful life
for you and yours.
I’ll say it again: You are that powerful! Yes, you are! How about believing
in your power … and in your right to claim it? How about trying it on
and trying it out? How about using the power of wanting … and the
power of thinking … and the power of affirming … and the power of
doing? When you do, you’ll
find miracles becoming
everyday events in your life.
You are that powerful!
Adulthood
Remembering . . .
... Always keep your sights on your power. Never forget, you’re in charge.
Go for being fully and totally empowered every day. It will work.
... You create your own destiny. That’s the truth. Believe it; accept it; and own it.
Once you believe that your destiny is up to you, you’ll start to feel in charge.
... Believe in yourself. Believe in your right to have power over your whole life.
Believe that you are entitled to your dreams. Believe … believe … believe.
..“Want” authority over your life. “Will” yourself to be master of your destiny.
Embrace your deep desire for personal power. Feel the power of wanting.
... Take charge of your mind; guide your thoughts; and choose your beliefs.
You’re in charge of your mind.
... Make bold decisions about what to do and how to behave. You’re the boss.
If something you’re doing doesn’t feel right or helpful, change it—right away.
... Intend that what you want will happen. Expect it; affirm it; and will it.
When you affirm what you want, you’re setting the stage for it to occur.
... Take responsibility for everything in your life. No exceptions … no excuses!
“The buck stops here”—you're willing to take charge of everything you do.
... Don’t forget—adulthood means enjoying the freedom you fought hard for.
It’s not all responsibility—it’s also fun! So, enjoy it! Have fun! You deserve it.
... Picture yourself already being an “in charge” adult, even if not fully.
That picture alone can carry you a long way. Let go of out-of-date pictures.
... Click your heels … as often as you want … to create what you want.
Why? Because you can, because you want to, because it’s your right.
... Life is ultimately about making miracles commonplace. Ask for miracles.
Keep clicking your heels, with trust, until your miracles become real.
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6 Sagehood
Above the forest of Oz
Back in Kansas at last!
Sagehood
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Dorothy’s Journey
Dorothy slowly opened her eyes. At first, she could only see faint
images around the room. “Where am I?” she wondered. Then, as her
vision began to clear, she gradually made out the faces of her beloved
Aunt Em and Uncle Henry. She was home!
Her aunt and uncle were looking at her intently. Clearly, they were
worried about her. Dorothy, however, had no concerns or worries at all.
Her mind was filled with only one thought: at long last, she was back
home in Kansas!
I’m home! I’m home!
Dorothy leapt from her bed and threw her arms around her aunt and
uncle. In that wild and heartfelt embrace, she poured into those two
bewildered people all the love that she could muster. Her exhilaration
was boundless; her excitement filled the room. Tears of unrestrained joy
flowed down her cheeks.
After such a long time in Oz, after so many difficult ordeals and scary
challenges, Dorothy was finally home. Her dream was now a reality—
she was back in Kansas! In a flash, all the people and events of Oz came
into her mind—the Munchkins, her trio of friends, the Wonderful
Wizard, the Wicked Witch, the ruby red slippers. Yes, the ruby red
shoes! Clicking her heels had worked. She really did have the power to
make her dreams come true.
Whoops — Nobody understands
In her excitement, Dorothy immediately began telling her aunt and
uncle what had happened. She explained her unexpected arrival in the
land of Oz … her strange journey on the yellow brick road … the
Emerald City … the Wonderful Wizard … the Wicked … .
Dorothy stopped talking. She realized that her aunt and uncle hadn’t
understood anything that she had been saying. In fact, all Dorothy could
see on their faces were bewilderment and confusion. “What’s wrong?”
she asked them. “Why are you looking at me that way?”
Her loving aunt and uncle tried to assure Dorothy that it had all been
just a dream. “You probably got a blow to your head during the terrible
storm, and your mind is confused,” they explained to her.
Dorothy was shocked. So, she tried again to convince them that Oz
was real, that her three friends from the yellow brick road were real,
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that …. Again, it was no use. Despite her insistence, it became clear
that her aunt and uncle weren’t going to believe her.
In her own heart and soul, Dorothy knew that her experience in Oz
had really happened, that she hadn’t been lost in a world of dreams or
delusions. She felt it was real, and decided to believe her own feelings.
From then on, she would keep her memories of Oz to herself, and go
about enjoying her new life in Kansas. And that’s just what she did.
Free at last!
Dorothy noticed something else too. Not only had Oz really happened,
it had also changed her forever. Now that she was back in Kansas, she
felt … well … different, from the inside out. Because of her experiences
in Oz, Dorothy returned home a new person—more confident … more
in charge.
Indeed, Dorothy felt “bigger” because of her deep friendship with the
Tin Man, the Scarecrow, and the Lion. She felt stronger because of
having faced and killed the Wicked Witch of the West; wiser because
of her disappointing experience with the supposed Wizard. Most of all,
she felt empowered by the magic of her ruby red slippers. No doubt
about it, Dorothy had come home a very different person.
Oz had imparted to Dorothy everything it had to offer—its unique set
of gifts, its special brand of magic. And these powerful benefits were
now hers to keep, forever. She brought them with her, to use as she
chose in her new life in Kansas.
A happy ending?
Dorothy also discovered an extra benefit. Now that she was home, she
could look back on her experiences in Oz and understand them so much
more fully. Her hindsight allowed her to see why her challenges had
happened, what they all meant, and what they had done for her.
Our story ends with Dorothy looking up toward the sky—“somewhere
over the rainbow”—to where she pictured the Land of Oz, feeling
thankful. Thankful to be home again. Thankful to have had such rich
experiences. Thankful for having been changed so wonderfully.
Sagehood
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Finding the Meaning
Dorothy woke up free. When she opened her eyes in Kansas, she was
no longer under the influence of Oz or any of its dangers. She was able
to breathe easily, because she could look back at her experiences from
a safe distance. She could now understand and rethink them from a
different perspective.
Many of us don’t have this luxury; we don’t wake up from our own
version of Oz’s daily hassles. Rather, we stay locked in our ordinary
experiences of life so long that we never get around to thinking about
them in a fresh way. We go about making the best of our situation
without the advantage of the new insights that would come from seeing
it from a distance. As a result, we are often working hard, but aren’t
necessarily “working smart!”
Oh, that cluttered forest!
Usually, when we are “inside the forest” of any experience, we have to
spend all our time navigating through its many trees and bushes. Our
view is often cluttered, and our way unclear. Our thoughts and energies
are most often dedicated to taking care of business—the business of
insuring our survival and tending to our daily needs.
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In contrast, when we’re “above the forest,” the view looks quite
different. From afar, we perceive the bigger picture of what’s going on.
We can see where we’re going, not just where we are at the moment.
Even better, we can make out the “why” of it all, not just the “what.”
With such an expanded picture, we can think more realistically and
creatively about our lives.
This was exactly what happened to Dorothy. While in Oz, she could
only fight hard for her survival and freedom. She had no choice but to
dedicate herself to handling the daily tasks and challenges of life there.
Once safely back in Kansas, however—once above the forest of Oz—
she could see and interpret her experience with a new set of eyes.
With the luxury of a clear overview, Dorothy no longer felt oppressed.
What’s more, she was free from the limited thinking that was with her
in Oz. Dorothy now possessed the capacity to rethink Oz creatively,
freely, and expansively.
The field of dreams
Many years ago, I had a unique personal above the forest experience.
While driving to a meeting in a nearby city, I turned on my car radio,
and found a talk show in progress. The host was interviewing a well
known expert in the field of dream interpretation. The insight this
authority was expressing really got my attention. Here’s what she said:
We all have the capability to wake ourselves up from any dream, think
about what we’re dreaming, decide how we want to change it, and
choose a new ending. Then, we tell our subconscious mind to build this
“happy ending” into the same dream, and fall asleep to experience our
revised version.
Well, this approach seemed a little far out to me, but I decided to give it
a try. I had nothing to lose, right? That evening, I told my subconscious
mind to awaken me at the end of that night’s dream so that I could, in
effect, create a new ending.
To my shock, it happened exactly as I had programmed it. Just as my
dream was ending, I woke up, and was wide awake. Ignoring my
surprise, I rethought my dream, decided on the direction and ending
that I wanted, and instantly fell back asleep.
You guessed it—I actually dreamed my desired happy ending. As an
unexpected extra, though—and this got my attention even more than
the success of my dream experiment—I awoke that morning feeling
refreshed and energized. The new ending left me feeling freer, lighter.
In thinking later about my dream experience, I began to realize the
power of this above the forest perspective. While I was inside my
Sagehood
dream—that is, while inside the forest of my life—my options for
solutions and outcomes were limited to those that were typical of the
world of that dream. When I awoke, however, and could evaluate it
from a distance—the view from over the forest—I clearly saw the
dream’s bigger picture … I understood its important meanings … and
I accessed a wider range of creative options for the outcome I wanted.
At that moment, I became a real fan of looking at our lives from over
the forest.
Let’s ask another expert! … How about Einstein?
Albert Einstein, the famous physicist, became well-known for his use
of the “box” image. He often referred to the importance of thinking
“outside the box,” rather than simply accepting the usual habits of
thought that influence us from “inside the box.” In his words, “We can’t
solve a problem with the same thinking we used when we created it.”
We have to rise above it—to the next level of creative vision.
A friend of mine was a real believer in Einstein’s approach. To motivate
himself to be more creative in taking charge of his life, he came up with
this saying:
“If you always think what you’ve always thought,
you’ll always do what you’ve always done.
If you always do what you’ve always done,
you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.
If you stop thinking what you’ve always thought,
you’ll stop doing what you’ve always done.
If you stop doing what you’ve always done,
you’ll start to get a whole new life!”
He printed these words on pieces of paper, and placed them on his
bathroom mirror, his desk, and several other places where he would see
them every day. Obviously, he was determined to change his life for the
better—by changing his way of thinking and acting. For him, these daily
reminders were the challenge he needed. They worked for him—over
several months, he changed his way of thinking, his attitudes, and, sure
enough, his life. His novel approach impressed me.
Back to Einstein. Simply put, here’s what Einstein believed—the view
from outside the box (that is, above the forest) of any situation is far
more visionary and helpful than the view from inside the box (that is,
inside the forest) of that situation. According to this esteemed scientist,
something magical happens when we decide to stop thinking the way
we’ve always thought, and choose to stop doing what we’ve always
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done … when we stick our head outside the box to look for some new
answers.
What is this “something magical” that happens? Well, for starters, we
begin to think more clearly. Once our head is outside the box, life shows
us new perspectives, better approaches, more creative solutions. We
start to think innovatively. We’re able to see fresh options for creating
the happy ending to any situation. Our mind is filled with new ways to
do life.
As if thinking more clearly weren’t enough, there’s another advantage:
we feel so much more connected to life. Picture it. Now that we’ve
stuck our head outside that old box—breathing fresher air and enjoying
a wider vision—life just seems to make more sense to us. The result—
we start feeling more peaceful about it.
What was Dorothy’s outside-the-box thinking?
Let’s take a look at Dorothy’s outside-the-box thinking, now that she’s
perched high above the forest of Oz. As she looks back, how does she
evaluate her time there? What conclusions does she draw? What
insights does she have?
Our story ends, of course, before we find out exactly what Dorothy’s
outside-the-box thinking is regarding these questions. Really, though,
don’t we know our dear heroine well enough by now to imagine how
she would reflect on her time in Oz? Let’s sit with her for a while in
Kansas, and take an educated guess at her hindsight observations.
My own sense is that Dorothy would come away from her experiences
in Oz with four unique reflections. You might come up with some
thoughts of your own, ones that make even more sense to you. For
now, though, here are my impressions of Dorothy’s outside-the-box
thinking:
To struggle or not to struggle? That is the question.
First, looking back on her difficult journey through Oz, Dorothy would
certainly have asked herself these questions: “What would I have done
if I had known the true power of the ruby red slippers right from the
start? Would I have still chosen to go through all those ordeals? Or,
would I have bypassed those scary experiences, and simply clicked my
powerful heels right away?”
If you were in Dorothy’s shoes (and remember, you are!), how would
you answer for yourself? I think that many of us would certainly want
to avoid all those pain-filled “invitations” to growth, and would choose
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to go for freedom in one fell swoop. We’d be the first to say, “Bring on
the ruby red slippers, now!”
After all, how tempting it is to look for the instant cure or the quick fix!
How often, for example, have you fantasized yourself winning the big
lottery, inheriting large sums of money, or being saved by a magical
Prince (or Princess) Charming? After all, what’s wrong with wanting
easy solutions and no-negative-side-effects living? Why choose pain
and difficulty when you don’t have to?
In fact, I’m sure that Dorothy, while inside the forest of Oz, would have
been tempted to choose the effortless path to freedom. No matter how
enticing and seductive this painless approach might have been to her,
however, my belief is that Dorothy would have decided against it.
Why? With the benefit of her new above the forest vision, I believe she
would realize that her painful struggles in Oz actually helped to make
her who she became. She would see them as a crucial pathway leading
to her development into a powerful adult … as the very basis and cornerstone of her personal empowerment. That’s right—she would realize
that she needed those experiences to find and own her real “self.”
What an insightful model Dorothy is for us! She’s telling us that our
painful experiences are not simply helpful, but they can actually be
powerful—even essential—catalysts to our taking full charge of our
lives. With this larger perspective, how peaceful Dorothy must feel
about what she had endured in the strange land beyond the rainbow!
Who’s got the power?
Second, I believe that Dorothy would realize that her disappointing
experience with the not-so-wonderful Wizard was the best thing that
could have happened. Discovering that he was a fraud was a real gift to
Dorothy—it woke her up to a much bigger fact of life: she, and only
she, was in charge of her life.
Talk about a powerful learning experience! By so naively giving her
power away, Dorothy had placed herself in a position of frightening
vulnerability—she could actually have been killed by the Wicked Witch
of the West. Equally frightening is the fact that, by assigning power to
the Wizard, she might never have gotten around to noticing her own.
What a dramatic way to learn the dangers of blindly obeying the will
of someone else! How better to learn this all-important lesson: never,
never, never give away your own power … never, never, never blindly
follow anyone else’s lead … always, always, always look first and foremost to yourself as the ultimate authority over your life!
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The beauty of loving relationships
Third, I think that Dorothy would have delighted in a new appreciation
for her three friends—the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion.
Having those loyal companions at her side somehow made facing her
many trials easier.
Yes, Dorothy discovered firsthand the importance of close, loving
relationships. She often needed her friends’ help, and they in turn
frequently relied on her. Not only did they actually save each other’s
lives, but they loved and supported one another every day. That love
touched them all … and made all the difference as they faced their
personal challenges in Oz.
Friendship … love … intimacy! What wonderful, powerful qualities in
relationships! How supported and refreshed Dorothy felt, just because
her friends showered her with their love! Feeling believed in by another
person can propel each one of us onward and upward. And it did
exactly that for Dorothy.
From her new position outside the box, she would certainly appreciate
the wonder and splendor of love, and decide to make it a cornerstone
of her new life in Kansas.
Moving lightly through life
Fourth, I believe that our heroine would develop a new, more relaxed
attitude about life. While she was inside the forest of Oz, of course, she
took all her experiences very seriously—after all, many of them were
life and death situations. She felt that she had no choice but to view
every situation as so critical … so weighty.
Once in Kansas, however, Dorothy was free to reexamine her attitudes.
Looking at Oz from a distance, she could see those experiences more
objectively, more clearly. She realized that she could … well … relax a
little.
Dorothy probably observed in hindsight that, no matter what she had to
endure in Oz, she always landed on her feet. She came through in good
shape, even feeling strengthened for the next adventure. She might
notice that, no matter what she was experiencing, something always
protected her, and made sure she came out of it in one piece.
I can just see Dorothy putting all this together in her mind. I believe
her thinking would go something like this: “Hmm, if I’m essentially
protected and helped in everything I do, then maybe … just maybe …
I can relax more as I’m going through life’s tough spots. Maybe I can
quit taking it so seriously from now on.”
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Let’s put it together
That’s wisdom: taking our above the forest thinking with us, as we
reenter the forest of our daily experiences and challenges. That’s what I
believe Dorothy decided to do—take the lessons she learned in Oz, and
use them to build a new life for herself back home.
Kansas symbolizes that place that’s waiting for you and me up above
the everyday hassles of life. It’s a place where we can go to clear our
head, get a bigger view of what’s going on, and understand it all. It
allows us to think more creatively, to find more innovative solutions.
It’s that place outside the box and over the forest of our daily lives.
Then comes the good news. Once we’ve enjoyed the cleaner air and
fresher perspective of Kansas, and filled our minds with its creative
energy—we can bring our new thinking back with us into our daily
living. When we do that, we’re nothing short of wise. Why, some
people might even look at us, and call us sages.
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Our Journey
Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of knowing many elderly and
retired people. A good number of these treasured senior citizens have
adopted a compelling and unique approach to life. It’s what I’ve come to
call the above the forest style of living.
If we listen to them closely, we can hear this line of thinking: “Look, I’ve
served my time in life. I’ve paid my dues. Now it’s time to live for me …
to live the way I choose … and, to put it simply, to enjoy myself!”
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These clear-sighted seniors have taken a giant leap outside the box of
daily grind living. Removed from the pressures of working every day—
no longer feeling driven to prove themselves to anyone (including
themselves)—they have taken their seat on a well earned perch above
the forest of their earlier lives.
Here, in the wide-open spaces of freedom, our elders enjoy a bigger
vision and more gracious version of what life’s all about. They relax into
a comfortable, peaceful relationship with life, and simply enjoy living.
Yes, these older, but often not vocal, teachers seem to appreciate something that the rest of us are still too busy to grasp—that there’s a whole
new way to live than what we know, or think we know. It’s understood
only by the sage, the wise person, and can only be seen from outside
the box of daily living.
So many of our precious seniors—the very ones we often think of as
beyond their prime—have reached this priceless period of sagehood.
And, to the degree that we are willing to learn from them, they are
willing to share their wisdom with us. As one example, I’d like to tell
you about my precious mother Hazel, who recently died at the age
of 87.
Hazel
My mother worked hard all her life. She learned the three C’s of life
responsibly and conscientiously, and successfully overcame many
Wicked Witches. To top it all off—especially after my father’s death 15
years before her own—she clicked her heels, and took dynamic charge
of creating her own life. In short, this was an impressive, classy
woman. You would have liked her.
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Now to the point. My wonderful mother spent her last years perched
above life’s forest. Not that she sat around all day doing nothing. Far
from it. Even after retiring, she continued to hold down a regular job—
not because she had to, but because she wanted to … she simply liked
working.
What’s more, she never liked to cook, even though she did it lovingly
while raising her growing family. So, my creative mother decided to live
in a retirement center where the main daily meal was provided for the
residents—not because she had to, but because she wanted to. It just
made life easier for her. Get the picture? She did her life the way she
wanted it.
A third theme in my mother’s life was this: she simply stopped caring
about what other people thought of her. That’s right, she no longer
looked for anyone’s approval, nor was she especially bothered if someone didn’t approve of her. She stopped conforming to other people’s
expectations, values and biases. Instead, my delightful mother lived
according to her own values. She became her own authority, her own
approver, her own boss.
If you’re not thoroughly impressed with this woman yet, there’s something else about her that’s even more remarkable: she was at peace
with life. She had let go of making judgments, and just enjoyed each
moment for what it was. She no longer tried to make things happen
her way … she simply dealt confidently with whatever came, and then
happily moved on to what was next. She refused to get into emotional
hassles—either her own or those of other people. She was too busy
being at peace with life to bother with such disruptions. This awesome
woman had served her time—as a mother, a wife, a worker, a citizen.
Then, she decided to create her life to her own liking, and to enjoy that
life to the hilt. In my estimation, she was a very wise woman. My
mother, the sage!
Tell me more about this wisdom
Wise people like my mother have so much to teach us. Isn’t it ironic,
though, that most of us rarely get around to learning from them? We’re
too busy—too involved in raising our families, responding to the needs
of loved ones, working and earning money, or a host of other “serious”
endeavors. So, we put off learning about life’s bigger wisdom until we’re
done being so busy … so responsible … so important.
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Let’s take a moment now, away from the busy-ness of our own lives, to
take a closer look at these wise, above the forest people. Let’s ask them
to share with us how they “do” life. Here’s what I think they would say:
“I’m finally at peace with life. No more struggles to endure, no
more goals to strive for, no more projects to accomplish. I’m
finished mastering life’s three big lessons … I’ve got no more
Witches to slay … and I’ve clicked my heels into a whole new
way of living.
“Now that I have some hindsight, I realize that all the things that
I got so upset about before really don’t matter. Not in the bigger
picture, they don’t! As far as I’m concerned, the only thing that
really matters to me now is to be at peace, to enjoy myself, to be
friends with life.
“So, how do I ‘do’ life? I don’t! I just ‘enjoy’ it … I ‘love’ life … and
I ‘live’ life. But I don’t ‘do’ life anymore. Doing is too much work,
too much responsibility, too much stress. It’s not for me anymore.
No, I spend my days enjoying what life brings to me, loving the
view from outside the box.”
Let’s examine their message, so that we may understand it more fully.
As I listen to these words about how our treasured sages live their lives,
I hear two themes:
They stop “trying.”
First of all, now that they reside above the forest, these special people
abandon the futile task of trying to change themselves … or others …
or the circumstances of their lives. In fact, they simply stop trying to
change anything.
For example, they no longer try to make themselves into anything
other than what they naturally are. They don’t attempt to be what
other people want them to be. They stop conforming to other people’s
expectations. They no longer need to be seen as important, as having a
high status, or as being “acceptable.” Instead, they can just be … themselves. Nothing more, nothing less!
What’s more, sages no longer feel the pressure to succeed at anything,
or to make anything happen. They walk away from the battlefield of
life; they stop fighting Wicked Witches.
In place of all this prior “efforting,” they have found a radically different
way to live life. Their focus has shifted from “trying” to simply living …
from doing and accomplishing to just being … from working hard to
living peacefully. That leads us to the second theme.
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They enjoy what is.
Believe it or not, these wise persons find peace and contentment in
living with “what is.” Not with what “ought” to be, or with what they
“want” to be—just with what life offers every day. Since they’ve given
up fighting and trying, they’re free just to enjoy what comes their way.
They simply take life as it is, with no need to change it.
I’ve come to call this “living in a state of is-ness”—that is, experiencing
and enjoying the naturalness of what is. Devoid of expectations, efforts,
or judgments, wise people find real joy in ordinary, everyday things.
They know how to make the most of each moment, each experience,
each opportunity. They feel genuinely peaceful, from deep in their
hearts, because they’ve finally learned how to be one with life.
This sounds really good … Can I sign up?
Doesn’t this sound like true freedom? I think that this style—of not
trying and simply taking pleasure in what is—is the biggest kind of
happiness that’s available to us. Let’s face it—all of us want peace and
enjoyment. But, year after year, we spend our time and energy looking
“out there” for it—through our accomplishments, our efforts. We keep
trying and trying.
Yet, our wise seniors quietly demonstrate to us every day that joy is an
inside job—it’s found in our own hearts. It is not the result of our
achievements; it’s the result of our attitudes. It doesn’t come from
manipulating and controlling our life, but simply from loving life. That’s
what happens when we live over the forest—our attitudes shift … we
see life differently … we start to enjoy ourselves.
Yet, these elder sages don’t hold exclusive rights to this way of living.
Sure, they’ve found the “secret” of inner peace, but we can lay claim to
it too. We don’t even have to wait until we’re older or retired. That joy
is as possible for us when we’re twenty, or thirty, or forty as much as it
is when we’re sixty or seventy years old.
Yes, once we’ve clicked our heels, we can wake up to an entirely new
style of living. We can find ourselves in the still eye of life’s storms
rather than in its raging winds. We can unpack our bags outside the box
of our past and take up full-time residency in the fresher air of sagehood.
Thinking … Feeling
A number of years ago, I had an unusual experience that I want to
share it with you, because it became a dramatic way for me to ease
into sagehood.
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Over many years, I had meticulously educated my mind in order to get
to my occupational goals. After all that schooling and training, I found
that my mind had become overfilled with ideas and knowledge—much
more than any one person needed. I also noticed that, no matter what
happened, my mind automatically produced an intelligent theory or
belief to explain it to me.
For a while, I thought this was great—it left me feeling pretty smart.
Over time, though, all this intellectual activity became burdensome.
Even though I had managed to keep my heart in the driver’s seat of my
life, my mind had become an active, involved, constant back seat
driver—with an answer or interpretation for everything.
One day, something stirred inside me. It started as a feeling, then
quickly became a tangible thought, and finally emerged as a powerful
invitation. It was my own commanding message to myself, and it was
this: “Let go of all your cherished beliefs, all your prized theories, and
all your intelligent interpretations. Forget everything you’ve ever
learned!”
“What?” I reacted forcefully, “forget everything I’ve ever learned?
That’s impossible! Why would I ever want to do that? I like the way I
think. Besides …..”You can guess the rest of my speech—my reasons
for saying “no!” were endless. At some point, however, I stopped. I
forced myself to look at my resistance to this new approach. “Hmm,
methinks I doth protest a tad too much!” I thought to myself, in my
best Shakespearean accent.
After considering this “invitation from nowhere” for a while, I decided
to go for it. After all, I was tired of my “overactive mind syndrome”
anyway. I had no idea if there was any life after the death of all my
theories. All I knew was that it was time to empty my mind, and my
internal command felt right. So, I said, “Yes! I’ll do it.”
Here’s what followed. I decided that, every time my mind gave me a
theory—or a belief, an interpretation, or even an educated guess—
about something, I would ignore it. That’s right, I would simply not
listen to its pearls of wisdom. In place of all that thinking, I decided that
I would “just be” with each life experience as it presented itself to me,
and see what happened.
This all seems pretty strange, doesn’t it? Well, my new approach was
exactly that—strange!—to me as I began to put it into practice. Those
first days were quite unsettling and shaky because, once I stopped
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listening to my thoughts, I began listening to … nothing. I found myself
face-to-face with a void.
Yes, that’s exactly what I discovered once I ventured outside the
comforting and secure world of my mind’s ideas—an empty void …
unfamiliar territory … silence. Nothing filled the space. Now that the
ever ready thoughts of my mind were no longer front and center, I felt
like I was facing life all alone. Scary? You bet! But I stayed with it.
Then came a breakthrough. Ever so slowly, the void started to come
to life. Once my mind was quiet enough, I began to sense something
other than my thoughts. For one thing, I felt people’s emotions, fully.
I came to genuinely know what they were feeling, not because I had
some theory about it, but because I actually felt their feelings deeply,
more deeply than ever before.
Then, I started to connect to the world around me in much bigger
ways. Whether it was people, nature or experiences, I developed a
new and more sensitive relationship with them. I began to appreciate
whatever came into my life—person, place or thing—simply for what
it was, without a need to evaluate its pros and cons.
I found that this was especially true in my therapy sessions. Instead of
listening to my mind’s interpretations of what my clients were telling
me, I listened to them, one hundred percent. As a result, I really got
what they were saying; I felt what they were feeling; I identified with
what they were going through. I was literally living their life with them.
No theory or explanation about it—just the person’s experience, all by
itself.
Guess what I found. I felt more human, more intimately connected
with my clients, a richer, fuller friendship and partnership with people
in need. In short, I experienced more love. What’s more, to my amazement, I saw better results in our therapy. Just because these precious
people felt heard—just because they had a true friend who was willing
to share their pain with them—they didn’t feel so alone, their suffering
lessened, and they could take more charge of their lives.
I can’t tell you how thoroughly changed I felt. For starters, I found it
such a relief and joy not to have a theory or belief in relation to everything in life. I had never realized what a burden it was to be explaining
everything to myself as it was happening. More than that, though,
instead of life speaking to me intellectually, it was now touching me on
the level of feeling, energy, spirit. Living became more and more an
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experience of the heart, of the soul, of the gut. It felt more real …
I felt more real.
Yes, sagehood appeared. It took me about three years to empty my
mind completely … to live full-time above the forest, and outside the
box of my mind. But what a much bigger world it turned out to be!
From this expanded place, life feels so much freer and, as the song says
so well, “the livin’ is easy!” Personal peace has emerged for me … and
a quiet excitement of living has persisted.
Imagine that! Me, a sage!
It’s often difficult to picture ourselves in such a peaceful place, isn’t it?
Our daily responsibilities and obligations usually seem so all important
that we can’t imagine letting go of our attitude that life is “serious business”—like I let go of my prized theories—and finding out what will fill
the void that follows. Besides, the very thought of “just being” with life
seems so vague and formless—until we get there. Once we say “yes!”
to letting go, however, something extraordinary starts to happen—
that seemingly empty space fills up. Our sagehood starts rising to the
surface.
Let me say this another way. You’re already a sage. That’s right, a deep
wisdom already lives in you, somewhere in your heart and soul—just
like it does in other really wise people. Even if you access it only one
minute every day, or only once a week, it’s always there. That wise part
of you is sitting on its perch over the forest of your daily life, enjoying its
expanded vision and its bigger insights. Better yet, it’s patiently waiting
for you to invite it into your awareness, to ask it to share its wisdom.
Remember all those times some great “aha!” appeared in your mind,
completely on its own, just when you really needed that insight? Or,
how about when, after trying and trying to find the answer or solution
to a personal dilemma, you threw your hands up and said, “I give up!”
And, that’s when the answer came to you—not from your efforts or
hard work—but from right out of the blue … from right outside the
box.
Solutions
I remember one of those aha’s in my own life. I was in the seventh
grade, and had spent a couple of hours doing my math homework. No
matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn’t solve a very difficult problem.
So, I went to bed feeling like a failure.
In my sleep, I had a vivid dream in which I was watching myself actually solving that same math problem. When I awoke the next morning,
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I remembered how I had done it in the dream. I went right to my desk,
applied my dream solution, and wrote the right answer within three
minutes. I was amazed.
Where did the knowledge come from? We can call it by different
names, but I believe that it came from that wise part of me that lived,
even in the seventh grade, above the forest.
Maybe our older sages aren’t really so different from us. Maybe the only
thing they’ve done is invite that wise part of themselves in, and ask it to
stay full-time. I say, if they can do it, so can you and I. Let’s go for it.
Visualize yourself as a sage—remember, you’re only picturing what’s
already real. Now, invite that wise, outside-the-box, sage-ful part of
you into the forefront of your life. Ask it to stay there, for longer and
longer periods every day—until it becomes your constant companion.
Finally, let yourself enjoy the view.
Okay, now that I’m a sage, what do I do?
By now, we know that sages aren’t only the world’s great philosophers
or spiritual leaders. Far from it. There’s a sage alive and well in each
one of us. You and I have sagehood in our hearts. In fact, you’ve just
graciously accepted my request, and invited your own sagehood more
fully into your life. Now, you’re ready to live as a wise person. What do
you do?
Before we answer that question, let’s get one thing clear. Sagehood in
people is just like their fingerprints—no two look alike. One person’s
style of wisdom is very different from another’s. So, we can’t say,
“Here’s what being a sage is! Here’s how to be a sage! This is what
sages behave like!” Wisdom isn’t a set of black and white rules; it’s a
custom made, individualized guiding force for each person.
However, I have noticed that the wise people I’ve known do share four
common characteristics. These qualities are four different forms in
which our wisdom can express … four unique ways that we can be
at peace with life. I want to share them with you so that you can use
them as markers—or even reminders—for your own wise living.
Relax; don’t be so serious
Life simply isn’t as serious as we tend to think it is. Isn’t it true that
most of us live as though we’re conducting very serious business?
Really, in our minds, it’s sooooo important to be successful in our
careers … to be the best parents in the world … and to give all of our
projects high priority status. Everything we do is critical, meaningful
and urgent. Any wonder that we have stress?
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What does this have to do with sagehood? Well, plenty! For example,
what if those things we’re doing aren’t all that critical? What if our
assumptions about them being so important simply aren’t accurate?
What if we’re making much too big a deal about them, blowing them
way out of proportion? You get the picture—maybe we’re missing the
boat of what life can be.
That’s the point. As sages, we get on the boat, and enjoy the cruise
through life. As sages, we don’t worry about the mechanics of the
boat—we just enjoy the ride.
I think that’s why grandparents often have so much more fun with their
grandkids than the children’s parents do. Grandparents know that
raising kids doesn’t have to be undertaken so earnestly after all … that
it can be fun … that enjoying the process will get the job done better
than fretting about it. That’s wisdom.
I don’t know who came up with the following saying, but it’s a wise one,
and it fits here:
There are only two rules for living your life.
Rule number one: “Don’t sweat the small stuff!”
Rule number two: “Remember, it’s all small stuff!”
So, as you continue to bring your above the forest wisdom into your
daily life, it might help to remind yourself that life (or the issue that you
may be wrestling with) isn’t half as serious as you’ve been thinking it is.
Then, once you’ve digested that reminder, consider inviting yourself to
relax about it (your life, your issue, your whatever). You know, tune
into its lighter side, and see the humor in it. Take in the view from way
outside the box, and see what it looks like from that perspective. I think
you’ll like that angle better.
In relaxing your way through life, you will be very wise indeed.
Instead of making judgments, make peace.
Another characteristic of wise people is that they aren’t complainers.
They don’t make value judgments about their lives grumbling, “I don’t
like this!” or “That isn’t right (or good, or perfect, or …) enough!” They
don’t exclaim about what’s wonderful or terrible about life events, or
lament with a “What a shame!” interpretation of their situation.
Instead, they’re at peace with what happens in their lives. They accept
life and its circumstances just as they are, not as they think they should
be. Instead of bemoaning or criticizing what life dishes out to them,
they embrace it, work with it, and make the best of it. Their minds are
free from the clutter of fault-finding. They exist over the forest of their
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circumstances, where they’re free to find a new relationship with them.
Whitney is a powerful example:
Whitney
I talked with Whitney only one time—a five-minute conversation, but
one that I’ll never forget. She was in her late forties, lived alone, and
was supporting herself by doing bookkeeping in her home. She had
come to a large regional conference that I was sponsoring.
When Whitney first walked through the door, it was obvious that she
was in great physical pain. She barely stumbled to the first available
chair and fell into it, looking grateful to be off her feet. Something drew
me to go over and welcome her.
I quickly found out that Whitney was one step away from being an
invalid. She explained to me that, for years now, her body had been
racked with muscle and joint pain that was essentially untreatable.
Most days, she could scarcely move around her apartment, and the
pain that had taken over her body was barely tolerable.
As I listened, my heart went out to this remarkable woman. First, I
was touched that she would make this heroic effort to come to my
conference when her body was screaming with so much pain. Even
more, though, there was something about her—maybe it was her
exceptional positive attitude—that left an indelible mark on my heart.
What she said next helped me realize why I was captivated with her.
“No matter how bad my pain is, I’m thankful every day for it! I never
have a negative thought about it … and never feel sorry for myself
because I have it. I’m just grateful that I’ve been given the privilege of
carrying this pain in my body. I’ve come to realize what a real gift it is
to me. Because of it, I have a new purpose in life. Now, I can be a
model to so many others of how to live with pain.”
I was amazed—I had never heard such words from someone in her
situation. This genuine, sincere, precious woman was living above the
forest of her pain. She was at peace with it to a degree that I had
never before witnessed.
You can see why I have never forgotten those few tender moments.
In five minutes, Whitney fulfilled her purpose in life powerfully—she
touched me to the depths of my being. I hope that her story touches
you as deeply. After all, that’s what her life is all about.
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So, whether it’s the circumstances of your life, your own problems, or
other people’s “stuff,” you can be as much at peace with it as Whitney
is with her pain. As a sage, you no longer have to think that it’s too bad
or unfortunate. You can just accept it, and be okay with what is. Sure,
you still have to deal with it from inside the forest, but your above the
forest acceptance can make the total difference in how you deal with it.
Instead of trying to control your life, enjoy it.
Did you ever notice how often we’re trying to change our lives?
Ourselves … our bodies … our circumstances. Most of us just aren’t
very satisfied with what we’ve got. We either want more, or we want
something different than what we have. So, we try to change it … or
control it … or manipulate it. Yet, we hardly ever enjoy it.
Isn’t this fascinating? Not that changing things is bad—it’s certainly not.
In fact, it’s often a great way to take charge of our lives. So, I’m not
advocating just living with the status quo—unless you want to, of
course. What I am saying is this: quite often, we’re so busy trying to
control and change the various elements of our lives that we never get
around to simply enjoying them.
That’s right. For many of us, life is an ongoing struggle of “getting
there,” and rarely an experience of appreciating where we are. We put
our focus on achieving the end result, rather than on taking pleasure in
the process of moving toward it.
Our treasured sages, even if they’re in the middle of making their lives
different, have somehow learned how to savor the moment. They don’t
put off the pleasure of living until after the project is completed. They
delight in the planning, the project itself, and the result. In fact, they
enjoy living.
Work and Play
I’m almost embarrassed to share this story, because it can seem so,
well, hokey. But here goes. For several years, I was the director of a
mental health center. After the first year or so, I noticed that I had let
myself get very serious about my job. No matter how I modified the
organizational structure or took control of the center’s multiple
challenges, the job still felt to me like a lot of work. I was living with a
great deal of stress, and felt the responsibility of it all. I kept thinking
that this change or that innovation would make it better, but I was
wrong.
One day, as I was thinking about the situation, I got one of those
outside-the-box ideas—the kind of insight that just comes to you from
Sagehood
somewhere else. It was this: “Your problem, Bill, is that you’re looking
at your job as work. Imagine seeing it as play!” I have to admit, I
thought it was a little corny, but I decided it was worth a try.
So, every morning as I was driving to my job, I repeated to myself, “I’m
going to play.” At lunch time, I reminded myself that I had just finished
playing for the morning, and that the afternoon play time was about to
start. In addition, for my in-between reading pleasure, I placed a note
on my desk that read: “This is fun, isn’t it? Keep on playing!” My whole
day was filled with reminders.
Despite my initial feelings of “aren’t you being a little foolish, Bill?” I
really got to like this new approach. It actually worked. I felt my body
relax, and watched my attitude change. I went from feeling burdened
to really enjoying my job. Keep in mind that I was still too embarrassed
to tell anyone what I was doing, but I was having fun.
The crowning point came about a month into my experiment. That’s
when a coworker sought me out to tell me, “You know, Bill, you’re
sure a lot more fun to be around lately. You seem a lot lighter than
usual! I don’t know what you’ve done to change yourself, but it sure
makes my job easier. Keep it up!”
That’s when I knew that I had succeeded. My job was fun … I was
playing at work. I was enjoying the process … the moment … life.
You can enjoy your life also. Remind yourself that you have the right to
play with life, to have a good time living. Try saying “yes!” to taking
pleasure in each and every moment. Stick your head up outside the box
of your old attitudes, and drink in the permission to enjoy everything …
anytime … every time.
Instead of looking to others, look to yourself.
What makes us notice wise people when we’re around them is that
they are so … soulful. That’s right, they’re deeply connected to their
own souls. They feel and experience their own truth living inside them.
They access their own wisdom—in fact, their wisdom is an intimate
part of them. They are living proof that, in everything important—to
use the old tried-and-true saying—“the answer lies within!”
Yes, for these sages, what’s above the forest also lives right there in
their own souls. The bigger picture … a better understanding … the
greater truth—all of these have found fertile ground in the inner fields
of their hearts. That’s why they no longer need to look to others for the
solutions to their needs—they can just ask themselves. These insightful
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people don’t have to rely on an external moral code to guide them, like
so many of us do. Instead, they’re ready to listen to the message of
their own internal wisdom.
Here’s why. Wisdom doesn’t usually speak the language of the mind; it
speaks the language of the heart. I believe that’s why I had to let go of
all my well learned beliefs and theories before I could find my own
wisdom. I had to stop being loyal to the mind’s dictates before I could
learn the heart’s wisdom.
You can be connected to that wisdom too. After all, it is already living
and breathing inside your own heart—a wisdom that you can trust and
grasp. Yes, you’re already wise. Now, it’s just a matter of making that
leap from your head to your heart … from inside the forest to above
the forest. That leap into your heart is often a scary one, but you can
do it. You can do it … if only you want to.
Here’s a story of someone who made that leap impressively:
Bob
The brilliant president of an international investing company, Bob was
in his early forties when he came to me. Having all the success he
needed, he decided that he wanted more feeling and sensitivity in his
life—more heart centered living, if you will. I instantly liked Bob, and
gladly agreed to help him.
I quickly found out that Bob was capable of a lot of heart. Despite his
strong mind and business sense, he had a soft and tender nature that,
to date, had been limping along quietly in the background of his life.
Now it was his heart’s turn to take center stage, and to bring Bob into
his full potential.
Here’s what we did. First, I suggested to Bob that we bypass his mind
in order to get to his heart. So, we came up with two clear rules. Rule
number one: no mind talk allowed! That’s right, neither one of us could
talk about theories, beliefs or ideas. As you can imagine, that approach
ruled out most “regular” communication right off the bat. Rule number
two: we can speak only from the heart and soul. We could say something only if we felt it, or sensed it coming from a deep place of
wisdom within ourselves. How’s that for a different approach?
To say the least, our innovative approach was difficult at first—in fact,
there were often long periods of silence—but Bob really got into it. He
learned how to listen to the feelings of his heart, the wisdom of his
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soul, the truth of his gut. Then, when he felt those stirrings, he put
them into language. Bob felt more and more connected to himself.
After awhile, we decided to bring his heart’s wisdom into his business.
Side-by-side with mind based solutions to his company’s needs, he
brought his heart’s wisdom. His heart gave him outside-the-box
insights and inspiration about how to handle particular situations at
work. Bob was really pleased that, whenever he implemented his
wisdom, he achieved an even bigger success than he had with his
traditional solutions.
Bob is ecstatic with his outside-the-box life! Not only has he found
a deeper personal happiness because of living in his heart, he is more
successful and fulfilled in his job. I think he’s a model to all of us of the
power of heart centered, soul based, above the forest living.
By the way, have I mentioned …?
There’s one final point that I’d like to emphasize. Actually, I’ve implied
it a number of times, but it really deserves its own space. Here it is.
It doesn’t matter if you’re just “a little bit” wise or “a lot” wise. Either
way, you can become wiser. Just like Bob, you can decide to be a big
time sage, and live over the forest all the time—if you want to. If you
want it strongly enough, it’s yours. Simply follow the example of people
like my mother and Bob … mostly, listen to your own heart for all
you’re worth … and then enjoy the results. It’s that simple.
Once you’re living as a sage, you can whisper to the rest of us, “Now
I’m living a life that I never knew was possible. I’m at peace … I’m in
love with life … I’m enjoying every moment that I’m alive.”
Like Whitney, you can share your joy with other people—in your own
way—and help make our shared world a better place to live.
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Sagehood
Remembering . . .
... You have the right to be fully happy.Your own wisdom can lead you there.
Every day, say to yourself: “I choose to be peaceful … to live in my heart!”
... Don’t take it all so seriously. Remember, life is mainly a creative journey.
Experience your life in a lighter, freer way. Try even being amused by it.
... Stop complaining about your struggles. Be thankful for all your difficulties.
They’re what made you who you are. They help you to find your true “self.”
... Let go of your value judgments, your pet theories, your prized biases.
Once you are free of them, you’ll discover a bigger vision—inside yourself.
... Be simply who you are. Not who you—or other— think you should be.
Just be yourself. That’s when you can hear your own wisdom.
... Quit trying to control your life’s circumstances. Instead, try enjoying them.
Accept life—in whatever way lets you enjoy its daily pleasures.
... A sage is a person of vision and wisdom. These qualities live in you too.
Say “yes!” to your bigger vision, and to your heart centered wisdom.
... Try not judging others. Look beyond appearances, and find their truth.
Find peace with their external “stuff ”—you know, it’s not important anyway.
... Notice the beauty that lives around you—in nature, persons, and events.
Learn beauty’s special language—feel it, experience it, touch it, treasure it.
... Pull back from life's conflicts and dramas. Instead, just relax with them.
Once you do, you’ve arrived over the forest.
... Try just “being” for awhile, instead of doing or thinking. See what happens.
Your own wisdom will fill that empty space with its special secrets.
... Just like Dorothy, you’re always supported … you always land on your feet.
So, kick back … relax … and enjoy your ride through life.
... Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy!
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7 Humanhood
Living with Oz Power
Bringing Oz down to earth
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Over the Rainbow
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There’s a land that I’ve heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
Away above the chimney tops,
That’s where you’ll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow—
Why then, oh why can’t I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow,
Why oh why, can’t I?
Taken from the M-G-M movie, The Wizard of Oz
Lyrics by E. H. Harburg, music by Harold Arlen, 1939
© Warner Bros. Entertainment
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Dorothy’s Journey
We’ve done it! We’ve walked side by side with Dorothy on her
memorable journey “over the rainbow,” and been touched by the
extraordinary gifts of Oz. We have witnessed its powerful invitations
… been awed by its unique possibilities … and felt its special brand
of magic.
Along the way, we identified with Dorothy as an inspiring model of
someone who is willing to show up to every one of Oz’s challenges, and
say “yes!” to all its possibilities. In doing so, she’s given us a remarkable
example of a special power that we all possess—I call it Oz power.
Our young heroine has shown us how we can take complete charge of
our lives. Better yet, she’s invited us to do it—to click our heels—at
every moment, in every circumstance. As we have traveled through Oz
with her, the very same gift that filled her has also filled us—the gift of
Oz power.
Oz Power!
Taking charge of every moment of our lives! What a potent way to “do”
life! Imagine how full our lives would be if we claimed authority over
every part of them—that’s right, every part. If we took control of all
our emotions … then all our thoughts … and then each one of our
actions, how our lives would change, how alive we would feel, how
happy!
That’s Oz power! It’s the very power that Dorothy discovered on her
own feet when she needed it the most. It’s your power too—and mine
—from the moment of our birth—the innate capacity to take charge of
every moment, of every circumstance, of every opportunity. It’s our
right to make our wishes become realities … to make our lives truly
happy.
Here’s the part that means so much to me: Oz power is already yours.
At this very moment, it lives inside you as a compelling, vital, real
force. It has its inspiration in your soul … its roots in your body … and
its rhythm in your heart. Its voice speaks in your mind … its magic
expresses in your actions … and its influence splashes out into your life.
As a deep and intimate part of you, it goes everywhere with you. Oz
power is you!
For many years, I’ve had the privilege of observing Oz power up close.
I’ve watched so many people experience extraordinary results once
they’ve dared to say “yes!” to owning this remarkable power. As you’ve
witnessed through the stories in this book, the outcome of using our
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Oz power is nothing short of outstanding … and, dare I say, often
miraculous.
Why do you suppose that such tremendous miracles happen in these
people’s lives? As I see it, there are two reasons. First, it’s because Oz
power is in their bones, in their instincts, in their will—and everywhere
else inside them. They’re powerful by nature—they were born with
magic slippers on their feet. Second, it’s because, at some point in their
lives, they made a decision. They decided to own that awesome power
… they claimed it for themselves, and chose to use it.
Are these powerful people exceptions to the rule of being a human
being—allowed a special privilege unattainable by the rest of us? Not
at all. They are the rule. They’ve simply embraced what it means to be
really, fully human. They’ve owned their Oz power … their human
nature.
That’s right. For all of us, being human means being powerful. It means
having the abilities and potential to make our lives what we want them
to be. It means that, “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” In accepting
anything short of that, we’re simply choosing to be less than fully
human.
After so many years of witnessing this awesome power firsthand, I’ve
come to believe that all of us are much, much more powerful than we
realize. Remember all those experts who insist that most of us use only
about five percent of our brain potential? Well, I believe that the same
thing is true about Oz power—most of us use a remarkably small
percentage of this enormous “magical slipper” that is our birthright.
The Oz Power Quiz
Which brings us back to you. You’ve patiently followed Dorothy in her
eventful journey through Oz. More than that, you’ve let her example
speak to you about your own life. Most of all, you’ve had the chance to
examine your own ruby red slippers, your own Oz power, up close.
Now, here’s a chance to reflect even more deeply on your personal
power, and how much you’re using it in your life. What follows is the
Oz Power Quiz—ten simple questions about you and your Oz power.
Are you ready? Here’s the quiz:
1. Do you believe that you’re innately powerful … that power lives and
breathes inside you … that you have magical slippers on your feet?
2. Do you believe that you deserve to claim that power … that you
have the right to use it to make yourself happy?
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3. Do you really want to be that powerful … to be the master of every
day of your life? Can you feel that “want” stirring inside you?
4. Are you committed to owning your Oz power ... determined to take
charge ... saying “yes!” to being powerful every day?
5. Are you ready to stop looking outside of yourself for the answers
to your needs ... ready to rely on your own wisdom to see you
through?
6. Do you intend to be totally in charge of every aspect of your life?
Are you affirming that what you want to happen will happen?
7. Are you clear about how to take charge? Do you understand
how to make your life powerful? Do you know your strategy for
winning?
8. Are you going for it every day … not holding back … making it
happen … putting your strategies into action … really doing it?
9. Do you trust yourself and your own instincts to see you through?
Do you have confidence in life to support and help you?
10. Are you expecting a miracle … looking for extraordinary results in
your life … “going for” complete and total happiness?
Well, how did you do? Are you satisfied with your answers? Hopefully,
responding to these questions gave you a sense of the role that Oz
power is actually playing in your life—how much you’ve claimed it, how
much you’re using it, how it’s working for you.
More importantly, you now have an idea of where to focus. What
aspects of personal power need more of your attention? In which areas
do you need to own more authority?
Now that you’re clear about where to go from here, let’s take a final
look at putting Oz power more solidly in your life.
The three elements of Oz power
In this chapter, I want to bring it all together—highlight the important
points of this book—so that they can be more real for you. To that end,
I asked myself this: What are three simple ideas about Oz power you
could take away from this book that would help you really take charge
of your life?
As soon as I asked that question, the answers easily appeared. I simply
looked at my own impressions of Oz power, and there they were—the
power of “yes!,” the power of attitude, and the power of you. Read on.
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The Power of “Yes!”
Yes is such a dynamic little word. In its seeming simplicity, that tiny
word can make so much difference. It can determine whether we move
ahead or remain stuck, whether our lives are just so-so or really happy.
That’s right. Saying a willing and emphatic “yes!” to making your life the
best it can be is the first and most important expression of Oz power.
After all, isn’t that what Dorothy did in Oz? You bet it is! She said
“yes!” to getting out of Munchkinville … “yes!” to meeting the needs
of her three friends … “yes!” to finding the Wonderful Wizard …
“yes!” to killing the Wicked Witch … and “yes!” to clicking her mighty
heels. Even when she was scared or angry, Dorothy was always willing
to take the next step forward—always willing to pronounce that all
important three letter word.
Our personal “yes!” is a powerful statement. Without that simple
word, nothing much really happens in our lives … with it, everything
and anything can occur. When expressed, it becomes a dynamite like
proclamation, a riveting command. When we say “yes!”—and only
then—the very things that will make our dreams come true start to
materialize.
Our “yes!” is that important. I’ve known lots of people who just sat
back, and waited for life (or fate, or God, or …) to rescue them—just
Humanhood
like Dorothy wanted the Wonderful Wizard to rescue her. Then, after
awhile, when the miracle cure didn’t show up, they felt let down, and
asked some version of, “Why is God doing this to me?” Here’s the
clincher—whenever I suggested to them that maybe God was waiting
for them to get more involved and rescue themselves, they often got
angry with me!
Sure, “life” is a mighty force in and of itself—it can work quite well on
its own. But, if I’ve discovered one thing in my years of helping people,
it’s this—life usually creates miracles for us only when we’re showing up
and doing our part. So long as we keep saying “yes!” to the invitations,
our life keeps getting better and better. Dora is an especially good
example of “the power of yes!”
Dora
Dora is a very, very special person. When she first came to me for
help, she was an unhappy, middle-aged, single woman. Her life had
fallen apart; she was down on her luck; and she was so depressed that
she didn’t want to live.
It soon became apparent that nothing in Dora’s life had ever really
worked well. She had always felt burdened—living, for Dora, was just
a big chore. At this point, she had just lost another lover, was miserable
in her job, and felt terribly alone. She was ready to cash it all in and
give up.
Something about this depressed, down-and-out woman struck me. I
saw living inside her a precious and beautiful bud that had never blossomed. What’s more, when I looked a little harder, I could see hidden
in her depths a raring to go, powerful self. It was so well hidden, of
course, that Dora had never noticed it herself. Somehow, though, it
seemed to reach out and speak to me.
After a few sessions, I shared my impressions of Dora with her. She
gave me that, “Who are you trying to kid?” look, and tried to change
the subject. “Wait a minute, Dora!” I said to her, “I’m not making this
up, or saying it to make you feel better. I’m serious about this, and I
want you to listen to me. There’s a real quality in you—a strength, a
power—that’s alive and well, and is ready to go to work for you.
Honestly, you have everything it takes to make it in life—in fact, to
make it very well. You can not only stay alive, I think you can live a
really happy life.”
Well, you can imagine her reaction. After forty years of not seeing
either her uniqueness or her power, she wasn’t about to “see the light”
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and believe in herself all of a sudden. Nonetheless, from time to time,
I repeated my perceptions of her. Bit by bit, Dora’s ears began to perk
up, and she started to hear what I was saying about her.
One day, she said to me, “You know, Bill, I think I’m ready to try on
the dress you keep putting in my hands.”
I didn’t understand what she meant, so I asked. “You know,” she
explained, “the dress of my specialness … my potential! I’m ready to
try it on.” Now, I understood her quite well. With my words as an
echo of her own truth, she had begun to get a glimpse of her strength.
Dora and I began to explore all her hidden qualities. What helped was
the fact that she finally wanted to see herself as she really was. Bit by
bit, she got it—she began to find her power.
One day, I put a different dress into her hands. I said, “I’d like to give
you a couple of tools today. You can use them every day, or as often as
you want. I call them the tool of ‘no!’ and the tool of ‘yes!’.”
Here’s what I suggested to her. “Every time you have a thought or a
feeling that you don’t like, say a powerful “no!” to it. Tell it to leave.
Then, in its place, put the kind of feeling that you do want, or the
thought that you’d prefer—and say “yes!” to it. It’s that simple.”
Dora really took to this simple, double-whammy approach. She was a
hands-on, earthy person—so, having a practical technique felt good to
her. She started to implement it right away. When I saw her about a
week later, she blurted out, “I love that new tool! It’s really powerful.
I’m amazed at how beautifully it works.”
When I asked her to tell me more, she said, “Well, every time a
negative thought crosses my mind, I visualize my ‘no!’ button, push it,
and command the negative thought away. And boom, it disappears. If
it comes back, I do the same thing—push my ‘no!’ button. Then, right
away, I insert the thought I want in my mind, visualize my ‘yes!’
button, and push it for the positive thought. It works like a charm,
every time.”
I could see with my own eyes how well it worked—Dora stood
straighter, looked more confident, exuded a sense of strength. At that
moment, I knew that she finally believed in herself. She had found her
Oz power, and was on her way.
I was thrilled. Over time, Dora kept pushing her “no!” and “yes!”
buttons—her style of clicking her magical heels. It worked more and
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more powerfully every day. Eventually, she felt much happier. Shortly,
she changed from a dreary job where she felt used by her coworkers,
to one where she felt valued and appreciated.
In addition, she pushed the “yes!” button in her relationships. She
started hanging out with friends who had real lives, and began to have
a good time. Several months later, she met a man who also noticed her
specialness, and fell in love with her. You can guess the rest—today,
they’re living together very happily.
Despite her past, Dora found her Oz power. Better yet, she started
using it, in the simple but potent form of a “no!” and “yes!” button.
With this easy and effective technique, Dora has “yessed” herself all
the way to a happy, wholesome life. Congratulations, Dora … and
thanks for showing us how to do it.
The power of “yes!” … and you
Dora isn’t alone. She’s not the only bud waiting to blossom. In fact,
she’s only one of billions of people with a similar specialness and power
living in them.
You are one of those special and powerful persons. Like Dora, you have
your own brand of Oz power alive and well inside you, even if you’re
only partly aware of it. Like her, it doesn’t matter how horrible your
upbringing may have been or how stuck you may feel. Like all of us, you
can turn that past around—if you want to. You can utter a powerful,
determined “yes!” to being really alive. You can choose to live your life
not just as it has been, but as it can be … as you want it to be. Your
“yes!” is that powerful.
Over the years, Oz power has taught me to believe in you. I know
that you can do whatever you set your mind and heart and will to …
because all the power you’ll ever need is at your disposal, every minute
of every day. I believe that you can be fully alive, fully feeling, and fully
happy! It can all be yours, with one single admission price—saying
“yes!” to it.
You are worth believing in—just as much as the people whose stories
have found their way into this book. Now, it’s your turn. Isn’t it time to
start believing in yourself? How about taking a good, hard look at all
that power that you’re carrying around … and using it! If the people in
those stories can do it, so can you.
Here’s all you need to do—the three step formula to a life of power:
• First, listen closely to life’s invitations. Sometimes, they hit you
strongly over the head. More often, however, you’ll hear them
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rumbling down there in your heart before they register clearly in
your mind. Once you hear that signal, pay attention—your heart
is offering you an invitation, and it’s nice to know what you’re being
invited to.
• Then, say a giant “yes!” to that invitation. A really powerful “yes!”
A resounding “yes!”—one that means, “I refuse to hold back. I’m
going for it. I’m jumping in all the way.” Be committed to succeeding.
• Finally, once your “yes!” is in place, watch what happens. Notice how
whatever help you need just starts to show up … how you find the
exact experiences that will lead you to your goal.
Saying “yes!” is your first big step in owning Oz power. It’s your way of
saying, “I agree to become a partner with life … to be the creator of
my happiness.” It’s your personal response to life’s invitation to live fully
… to feel deeply … to savor all that it has to offer. How about it, then?
How about asking yourself, “Do I want to be saying a bigger ‘yes!’ to
my life?” If so, you’re in great company—the company of so many who
are already enjoying the benefits of “yes!” and the rewards of Oz
power.
Humanhood
The Power of Attitude
Once you’ve uttered that big “yes!” to being alive, what do you do? In
short, you get right into the adventure of life, and start creating your
happiness. You look for ways to take charge, and make your dreams
happen.
If you think of “taking charge” as tackling every situation or challenge
that comes your way—day in and day out, without stopping—it can
seem like a daunting and never ending process. Really, though, taking
charge isn’t that overwhelming or complicated—at least, it doesn’t have
to be. There’s a simpler, easier approach to making your life work. It’s
the power of your attitude.
As you know, how you think determines so much about how your life
goes. If your thoughts, expectations, and motivation are positive and
clear, chances are that your life will be the same. As your attitude goes,
so goes your life!
Taking charge of your attitude
Attitude is a potent tool. So potent, in fact, that it deserves its own
central place as an expression of Oz power. Once you say a determined
“yes!” to your life, it’s your attitude that is your most powerful method
to make your life work to your liking. It’s the main “how to” of your
happiness.
Let’s look at your attitude. How positive is it? How big a role does it
play in the daily ups and downs of your life? How much are you in
charge of it? Chances are, you’re doing your best to keep your mind
on the bright side, but you probably have down days. You try to be
positive, giving it your best shot, but sometimes your mind’s negative
old thoughts just get the best of you. That’s okay—after all, you’re
just human, right?
Well, maybe. Come to think of it, could it be that you’re not being
human enough? After all, if being fully human means being powerful
and in charge—claiming and using our Oz power—then maybe that
“Hey, I’m just human!” routine is just another excuse, another way of
settling for less in your life. It’s worth thinking about.
So, let’s look at how you can take more responsibility for your daily
companion, what could be one of your best friends—your attitude. I’d
like to suggest a ten point approach to becoming the master of your
attitude. Here it is:
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1. First, ask yourself the question: “Do I really want to be in charge of
my mind and my thoughts?”You will not get too far in developing
a positive attitude if you’re doing it mainly because you think you
“should,” or because it’s the healthy thing to do. In this project,
you’ll only be successful if you really want it strongly enough. Once
you can answer this question with a deep and genuine “yes!” you’re
all ready to go.
2. Realize that your attitude is 100 percent controllable—that is, you can
be the master of every one of your thoughts. View the project of
taking charge of your mind as being like developing any new skill.
The task may look difficult at first, but you know from experience
that you can do it successfully. The same with taming your mind
and controlling your thinking. Once you know that you can master
your attitude, you’re on your way.
3. Imagine yourself as an employer telling your employee (your mind)
what to do … or as a supervisor giving instruction to your trainee
(your thoughts) … or as a commanding officer issuing commands
to a new recruit (your attitude). Get the idea? With this picture,
there’s no question that you have the authority, that you’re in
charge. You have the right to tell your mind to behave exactly the
way you want to.
4. Talk to your mind. Tell it exactly how you want it to think, how you
want it to interpret your life events, how you want it to help you.
Be specific—for example, “Whenever so-and-so insults me, I want
you to interpret it as his problem, not mine!” or “Whenever I start
to feel depressed, remind me right away to pull myself out of it.”
5. Be determined that it will work. Never give up or stop. Develop a
sort of “super-attitude,” that says: I will be the master of my mind’s
every thought; I will take charge of my attitudes; I will feel Oz
power in my thinking at every moment.
6. Come up with a list of the attitudes that you want in your life—the
ones that you need, that will really help you. Write them down,
and put the list where you’ll see and read it regularly. Revise your
list over time, as you see fit.
7. Pick one situation that is especially difficult for you—maybe the one
that leaves you feeling powerless, not in control, or troubled. Here’s
where you can practice your new attitude—your “attitude project.”
Now, decide what attitudes—or interpretations, or thoughts—you
need to help you in those circumstances, and instruct your mind
accordingly. A hint—I’m recommending practicing on only one
situation at a time, because most of us have a hard time tackling
more than one or two projects at once.
Humanhood
8. Thank your mind for its hard work. That’s right, express your
gratitude to your mind for all the ways it’s trying to learn your new
way of thinking. After all, imagine how hard it must be for your
mind to change its habitual ways after all these years of thinking in
the old style. Who knows? Your daily expression of gratitude may
be the start of a new friendship, a more cooperative relationship
between you and your mind.
9. If you fall flat on your face, as we all can expect to do from time to
time, pick yourself up right away. It’s when we fail that we’re most
tempted to fall back into our old negative thinking—like feeling
sorry for ourselves, feeling like a victim, or complaining. Challenge
yourself right then and there to start over at that moment. That’s
when you most need to be your own champion, your own rescuer.
10. Once you’ve got the hang of it—that is, once you’re feeling like
your mind is thinking in the positive ways you’ve asked it to—start
practicing that attitude even more. With more focus and practice,
you can get really good at it. A friend of mine decided long ago
never to feel sorry for himself; after a year or so, he was doing
pretty well at it. So, he decided to take it the next step. Now,
whenever anyone asks him the usual “how are you?” question, he
unleashes two or three positive responses, like: “Thanks for asking.
I’m great! In fact, I’m having a really good day. Such and such just
happened, and I’m thrilled.” Of course, most people, expecting a
simple “fine, thanks!” are caught off guard. The result: he’s even
more the master of his thoughts, and people usually go away
uplifted and feeling better.
There. That’s not so bad, is it? I really believe that every one of us has
the ability to take charge of our attitude … and that it’s really not as
difficult as we might think. I’ve watched many people decide to take on
this project, and I’m always thrilled at how successful they are.
You can be successful too. With a positive—or uplifting, or “can do!”—
attitude, you can’t miss creating your life as you desire.
Makin’ a list. Checkin’ it twice …
Let’s spend some extra time on the sixth point of our “how to” formula:
making a list of the attitudes that you want in your life. What attitudes
do you want to keep in the forefront of your mind? Which attitudes
most express the person you really are … and the person you want to
be? If you were going to construct just such a list, what thoughts and
beliefs would you put on it?
I spent considerable time thinking about these questions … mainly
because I wanted to suggest to you those attitudes that can help you
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live your life powerfully. To help me find the answer, I consulted our
champion, Dorothy. After all, she’s never let us down yet. She’s not
only shown us how to claim our Oz power, she’s demonstrated it by
owning and using some very powerful attitudes.
So, I decided to imagine what list of attitudes Dorothy would come up
with—as she sat in her place over the forest, and looked back on her
time in Oz. Here’s what I believe Dorothy would include:
• I choose to eliminate all negative thoughts and feelings from my
mind. Specifically, I will not:
feel sorry for myself, or think “poor me!” thoughts;
blame other people (or circumstances, or God) for my
misfortunes;
criticize or find fault with anyone—either myself or other people;
complain, gripe, or moan and groan about anything or anyone;
see myself as helpless, or feel like a victim of anything or anybody.
• I choose to live free of all the above thoughts or feelings. Whenever
any of them enters my mind, I will immediately say “no!” and command it away.
• I claim my birthright—the right to be powerful and in charge of every
aspect of my life. I deserve it, and it’s mine. From now on, I will have
no reasons not to succeed, no excuses for not taking authority over
every moment. Even if there’s a Wicked Witch in my life, I refuse to
hold back or to be timid, no matter how afraid I may be. Instead, I
will show up, and deal directly with that person or circumstance. I’m
powerful every minute of every day, period—case closed.
• I will see every circumstance and event in my life as an opportunity
… as an invitation to something new, something extraordinary. I
choose to view everything that comes into my life as a gift in the
making, a blessing in disguise. If I lose my job, for example, I will see
it as the doorway to a new opportunity. If my best friend abandons
me, I will welcome the space it creates, and look for new ways to fill
that space.
• For every situation in my life, I will immediately look for solutions,
answers, and options. I refuse to sit back, be passive, feel bewildered,
or go numb. Instead, I will get busy, get involved, and dedicate
myself to making my situation better—right away. If no answer is
immediately obvious or available, I will keep looking no matter how
long it takes.
Humanhood
• I look first and foremost to myself for the solutions to my needs.
I trust myself and my own inner wisdom to see me through any
circumstance. I refuse to give my power away to anyone else, or to
view anyone else as better than I am, whether that person be a hero,
helper, or a friend. I am enough in and of myself—I have exactly the
qualities and style that I need—to make my life work well.
• I will look at my life from above the forest as much as possible. No
matter what I’m dealing with, I will be innovative in my thinking,
imaginative in my interpretations, and creative in my reasoning. I
will reach for the most dynamic, outside-the-box solutions possible.
In every situation, I will go for seeing the big picture—the greater
meanings, the grander purposes, the fuller implications—as well as
the small one.
• I choose to live a life of miracles … of extraordinary experiences …
a life where I can “have it all.” I expect not only that my life will
work, but that it will work exceptionally well. I intend to have a life
filled with everything I need to make me happy. I won’t settle for less
… I’m shooting for the stars.
There they are—the attitudes that I believe Dorothy would embrace if
she were to retrace her trying circumstances in Oz … the ones that can
work just as well for all of us. This list is yours to use as you wish. If, for
example, you don’t know where to start in drawing up your own list,
feel free to use this one as is. However, my guess is that you have some
ideas of your own about how your mind can serve you well in your life.
If so, you might use this list as a starting point or reference, as you go
about drawing up your own.
The Super Attitude: My life is an adventure!
I’ve noticed something intriguing in my years of helping people find their
way. I’ve realized that, in every person who fully and richly embraces
life, there’s one attitude that stands out and seems to make all the
difference. All the people who actually find their happiness and really
get to their Kansas share one exceptional attitude that is always at the
forefront of their minds: they see their life as an adventure.
That’s right, these people view their lives as an opportunity to be fully
alive … as an experience to be enjoyed. I’ve watched them over and
over, and I always see them excited as they take their personal ride
through life. Even if things seem to be falling apart, they’re on the
lookout for the “good news” that’s about to happen for them. They
refuse to get narrow minded, pessimistic or self-pitying. They keep
coming back to that one super attitude: life is an adventure … so, let’s
get into it, and live it fully.
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These people have impressed me immensely. Because of this one
guiding perspective, their lives have in fact become that remarkable
adventure, and they’re enjoying the ride. Their belief has become their
reality. As I see it, with this frame of mind, their lives changed from a
dull journey to an exciting adventure … from a stressful chore to a
fun-filled enterprise.
If I could pick one super attitude to recommend to you, it would be
this: see your life as an adventure in the making. Sure, in some ways
life is a spectator sport—we watch other people, and learn a lot from
them—but mostly, it’s a dynamic game to be played. We get the most
out of the game when we’re in there playing it to the hilt. With this
super attitude, we’re already halfway to an exciting journey through life.
Humanhood
The Power of You
Now that you’ve said “yes!” to your life, and have taken charge of your
attitudes, there’s one more important ingredient in putting Oz power to
work. It’s the power of you!
“The power of me?” you might say. “What do you mean? Of course I’m
powerful! I’m pretty clear about that by this time.”
You’re right. Here, though, I’m not addressing how powerful you are,
but rather how important it is to be you—I mean, to be who you really
are. I’m talking about believing in yourself … valuing yourself … being
dedicated to yourself. Sure, you’re powerful—no doubt about it! Yet,
something has got to happen to trigger and unleash all that authority …
there must be a spark to ignite all your power. That spark is: believing
in yourself.
The truth is, you’re a lot more than just powerful. You’re also unique,
one of a kind. In addition, you’re important and purposeful—your life is
really worth living. To top that off, you’re wonderful and worthwhile—
you deserve to be appreciated and valued. I could go on describing
many more of your attributes, but, let’s face it—most of us have only a
limited capacity to look at our positive qualities. So, for the moment, I’ll
spare you.
Take a good look in the mirror …
Let’s look closely at your feelings about yourself. Do you really value
yourself … love yourself … and honor yourself? Let’s be more specific.
How fully do you treasure your innate beauty? How much are you
aware of your personal wonder and sparkle? How dedicated are you to
celebrating your individuality … to embracing your worth?
For most of us, these are difficult questions to answer—not to mention
downright embarrassing even to consider. It just doesn’t seem very …
well, “humble” to be that taken with ourselves, right? Not necessarily!
I’ve come to believe that there’s such a thing as “healthy self-love.”
When we appreciate ourselves in a truly healthy way, our self-love
becomes a strong and positive motivating force in our lives—a force for
creating a happy, fulfilling life for ourselves. From that perspective, the
above questions are not only important, they’re essential. They call us
to the truth about ourselves.
Without loving ourselves … without being dedicated to our worth …
without a commitment to expressing our specialness, life can be pretty
empty. We may have said “yes!” to life, but we’ve not yet said “yes!” to
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ourselves. That’s the next step—to believe and trust in ourselves. Once
we do, there’s nothing beyond our grasp.
The point is this: we deserve our trust. We’re worthy of our love.
We’re entitled to our commitment to self. Why? Purely and simply,
because those approaches reflect the real truth about us—we are
special.
The “how to” of valuing you
So, let’s look at how to get to the point of valuing and loving ourselves.
I’m sure that, in your life, you’re already well on your way to this
important state of self-love, but there’s more that you can do—an even
deeper appreciation of yourself that you can attain.
Here is a five step approach to loving and valuing yourself:
1. Spend some quiet alone time with yourself every day. I mean, just
be with yourself—not while fulfilling obligations, not in the midst
of reading, not with the television on in the background. Just you,
silence, and your “self.” Make it five or fifteen minutes a day—
whatever seems appropriate. Use your pen … or stay with only
your thoughts … or rely on your feelings … or bring your intuition
into play—whatever style is best for being alone with the most
important person in your world—you!
2. During this special time, make a personal, intimate connection
with your special self. Learn how to listen sensitively to your body,
emotions, heart, soul as they talk with you in their own language,
now that they have your undivided attention. At first, it may not
feel like anything’s happening. When I first tried this, it took me a
full three months before I made that breakthrough, that intimate
connection. If you stick with it, you’ll get there. You’ll begin to
know yourself in a whole new way.
3. Once that connection is made, ask your self questions—about
who you are, what you’re like, why you’re worth believing in, or
whatever comes to mind. Then, once again, listen—and listen
acutely. You’ll be surprised how many answers to your questions
will appear … how many of your personal qualities will come into
your awareness. You’ll start to appreciate yourself like you never
have before.
4. Now you’re ready to develop a back and forth dialogue with your
self. Make it just like a conversation that you would have with a
best friend. Specifically, tell your self what you think, what you
want, what you need—all the things that you’d tell a friend. Then,
as always, listen closely and attentively. Pretty soon, you’ll notice
Humanhood
that you actually do have a new friend—your worthwhile, lovable,
wonderful self. Finally, you’ll stop feeling alone; you’ll feel more
whole and complete.
5. Finally, at the end of each alone time, find one thought to take
away from the meeting—a “thought for the day” that comes from
your time with your self. Perhaps it will be a thought as simple as,
“I’m not as undeserving as I thought I was” … or one a bit more
profound, like “I am such a loving and caring person that I choose
to love myself fully today.” Take that thought with you, and let it
become your slogan or motto for the day.
I can guarantee that this five step program will change the way you feel
about yourself. It can help you learn who you really are, what you are
all about, and why you deserve the best that life has to offer. It can
make you a true believer—in yourself. In fact, it can help you literally
fall in love with yourself. There’s no substitute for knowing and valuing
yourself. With self-love held deep in your heart, you can’t miss—you’re
home free.
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Closing Thoughts
I would like to end on a personal note. As you know by now, I’ve spent
many years dedicated to helping people—helping them believe in themselves, love themselves, and say “yes!” to living. Most of all, though,
I’ve helped them realize what tremendous power they possess to create
their dreams. I’ve experienced unbounded joy every time I’ve seen
people own their Oz power, and use it to create an entirely new life for
themselves.
To me, that’s the ultimate experience in living—to have our whole life
filled with Oz power. I deeply believe that our ultimate purpose as
human beings, our most compelling meaning in being alive is this: to
fulfill our every dream, by claiming and using that awesome power that
lies on our very feet.
How I wish that every human being on earth could learn the simple
secret that Dorothy discovered for herself in Oz—the secret of the ruby
red slippers … of our remarkable power to be totally in charge of our
lives. As the examples in this book illustrate, many people have done
just that—and it’s made all the difference in their lives.
That’s why I’ve written this book. I wanted to share the secret with
you. I wanted you to discover your own magic slippers and find your
own Kansas. I wanted you to benefit from the experience of those
thousands of people who have so dramatically demonstrated what a
life of personal power looks like. Hopefully, by sharing their wisdom,
you are now more inspired in your life. Hopefully, their truth resonates
with yours enough so that you are now listening to your own heart
more strongly. Hopefully, I’ve translated Dorothy’s priceless journey
through Oz in a way that helps you really connect with and claim your
own power.
In the Introduction, I invited you to picture yourself sitting with me in
your living room, having an intimate conversation about your life. That’s
what this book has been about—a heart-to-heart conversation about
you. Now, I invite you to live the fruits of that conversation, as you
step out into the world to face—and take total charge of—the invitations and opportunities that await you.
Remember … You’re Oz powered!
Before we leave your living room, however, I have one final request:
please don’t ever forget about your ruby red slippers. No matter what,
remember that you were born with this priceless power on your feet—
and in your genes, in your mind, and in your heart. Whatever happens
Humanhood
in your life, know that, like Dorothy, you have “the sign of Glinda” on
your forehead—you’re Oz powered!
That’s the bottom-line truth about you: you are powerful beyond
measure. In fact, there’s no end to how powerful you are. You can have
anything you choose … create any Kansas you desire … make all your
dreams come true.
You are in charge. All the time. Everywhere. In every circumstance.
No matter what. Your feet carry the world’s most precious cargo—
the ruby red slippers of your personal power.
And always, always remember this awesome truth about yourself—
you’re Oz powered!
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About the Author
Bill Bauman is a unique, inspiring human being whose
diverse path through life has given him a deep and
expansive perspective.
Bill’s adult journey began in Belgium in the 1960s where
he studied Catholic Theology, and moved on to Florida
where he served as a Catholic priest.
After receiving a doctorate in psychology, he spent the 1970s teaching
at a university in Minnesota, then directing a community mental health
center in Michigan. For the next fifteen years, he maintained a private
practice as a psychological practitioner and consultant, both in Texas
and Utah.
In the 1980s, Bill also functioned as a licensed minister in the Church
of Religious Science, and presented seminars in holistic growth and
personal empowerment nationwide. During these years, he also
founded and directed three successful businesses: a treatment center
for learning disabilities, a holistic health center, and a management
consulting firm.
Through the 1990s, Bill founded and directed World Peace Institute in
Washington, DC. There he dedicated himself to creating global peace
through the philosophy and spirituality of oneness, as described in his
book, Oneness: Our Heritage, Our Path, Our Destiny.
Since the turn of the century, Bill has taken his place as a holistic and
spiritual leader, nationally and internationally. He spends his time
helping people find their inner truth, heal whatever hinders them from
living that truth, and claim their right to live it fully. He presents
workshops on personal healing and spiritual growth, guides groups
to the world’s sacred sites, and gives special presentations in many
locations throughout the United States and Europe.
Bill also offers two yearlong mentoring groups: Masterful Healing, for
healers (of any modality) who desire more empowerment and mastery
in their work; and Human and Spiritual Mastery, for people who want
a blend of mastery and empowerment in both their human and spiritual
experience.
In addition, Bill leads a global spiritual community, the Center for Soulful
Living, for persons who are seeking a deeper connection to their inner
truth, are oriented toward taking fuller responsibility for living that
truth, and are pursuing a deeper sense of oneness with every aspect of
their life.
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Personally, Bill has been graced with two major blessings: to have lived
for 37 years with his beloved life mate and best friend, Donna, and to
have served for 32 years as father and friend to his extraordinary son
and life teacher, Eric. Bill and Donna currently live among the ruby red
rocks of the American southwest.
Information about Bill and his offerings can be found on his website:
www.billbauman.net.