The printing of and postage for this newsletter is sponsored by Bill

Edition No. 638
7884 Irish Avenue S., Cottage Grove, MN 55016
February/March/April 2013
St. Paul Chapter E-mail address: [email protected]
TCF National Office, P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522 Phone # (toll free) 877.969.0010
The St. Paul Chapter
meets the 2nd Thursday of
each month at
Beaver Lake Lutheran
Church
2280 Stillwater Avenue;
Maplewood, Minnesota
7:00 PM – 9:00 PM
For chapter information call
Kim at 507.351.4042, or Sandy
at 651.528.6073
Chapter Website:
www.orgsites.com/mn/stpault
cf
Chapter Facebook Page
“Friend us” at
www.facebook.com/TCFStPaul
*MEETING TOPICS
FEB 14: General Discussion
MAR 14: Ask-It-Basket:
Anonymously drop a question
or thought in the basket and
we will discuss it as a group.
APRIL 11: The Change of
Seasons and how it affects us
as grievers.
* We can discuss what’s on
your mind; not the topic only.
The printing
of and postage
for this
newsletter is
sponsored by
Bill & Barbara
Welke in
loving memory of their
daughter, Frances.
The Compassionate Friends, Inc. is a mutual assistance, self-help
organization offering friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved
families. Anyone who has experienced the death of a child of any age,
from any cause is welcome. Our meetings give parents an opportunity
to talk about their child and about their feelings as they go through
the grieving process. There is no religious affiliation. There are no
membership dues. The purpose of this support group is not to focus
on the cause of death or the age of the child, as it is to focus on being
a bereaved parent, along with the feelings and issues that evolve
around the death experience of a child.
The Mission of The Compassionate Friends: When a child dies, at
any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and
isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort,
hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a
daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others
better assist the grieving family.
TO OUR NEW MEMBERS
We recognize that it takes great courage to come to the first meeting,
whether you are a bereaved parent, sibling or grandparent of one
month or many years. You are welcome to bring a friend or relative
for moral support if you wish. You will find that it is all right to cry
and to laugh, to share how you feel or just listen. You do not have to
talk at a meeting if you don’t wish to. We welcome your participation,
but it is not a requirement.
TO OUR MEMBERS FURTHER DOWN THE “GRIEF ROAD”
Each meeting we have new parents, siblings and grandparents. THINK
BACK – what would it have been like for you at your first meeting if
there had not been any TCF “veterans” to welcome you, share your
grief, encourage you and tell you, “Your pain will not always be this
bad, it really does get gentler.” We welcome your presence and
support!
INFORMATION REGARDING OUR MEETINGS
This is YOUR group and we are here to support each other. Our
meetings are open to bereaved parents, adult siblings, grandparents,
or adult family members such as aunts or uncles. We hope you will
find our meetings and newsletters to be a comfort, a place where
tears are allowed, no judgments are made, and, in time, that you can
once again find hope and meaning in life.
WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE.
WE ARE THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
ST. PAUL CHAPTER INFORMATION
Steering Committee: Jan Navarro, Cori Claugherty, Kim
Pietruszewski, Cliff & Sandy Romberg, Carol & Ralph
Bauman, Chuck Winter & Cathy Seehuetter
Newsletter Editor: Cathy Seehuetter
Secretary/Refreshment Coordinator: Cori Claugherty
Treasurer: Greg Seehuetter
Chapter Co-Webmasters: Kim Pietruszewski & Cathy
Seehuetter
Library: Carol Bauman
Special Events Coordinator: Kim Pietruszewski
Facilitators: Cliff Romberg & Cathy Seehuetter
Remembrance Cards: Colleen Hines
1st Contact: Kim Pietruszewski & Sandy Romberg
New Member Outreach: Cori Claugherty
Sibling Contact: Alyssa Frank
Mailing/Folding Newsletters Team: Carol & Ralph
Bauman
Chapter Leader/MN Regional Coordinator: Cathy
Seehuetter @ 651.459.9341
TELEPHONE FRIENDS
ACCIDENTAL/SUDDEN DEATH:
(Kim)……………………………………………..507.351.4042
(Cori).........................................651.402.9482
ILLNESS (Jeanne)……………………………..………….…651.253.8634
ONLY CHILD (Kathy)………………………………….……651.426.2446
INFANT LOSS (Lori)…………………………………….….952.229.4630
CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS (Colleen)651.788.7885
SIBLING LOSS: (Alyssa)………………………………..651.528.6073
OTHER MINNESOTA TCF CHAPTERS
MINNEAPOLIS: Meets the 3rd Monday of every month at
Calvary Lutheran Church, 7520 Golden Valley Road in Golden
Valley. Contact Carol at 763.542.8528 for more
information.
RICHFIELD: Meets the 2nd Monday of every month at Hope
Presbyterian Church, 7132 Portland Ave. So. For more
information, call Chris or Bob at 612.825.6500.
APPLE VALLEY: Meets at 7:00 p.m. on the third Tuesday of
each month at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran Church,
12650 Johnny Cake Rd, Apple Valley. Call Susan at
651.683.9236 for further chapter information.
HUTCHINSON: Meets at 7:00 p.m. on the second Monday
of each month at Oakland Chapel. Contact Jo at
320.833.2300.
MONTICELLO: Meets at 7:00 p.m. the 2nd Monday of each
month at St. Henry's Catholic Church, 1001 – 7th St. E.,
Monticello. Call Beth at 763.295.3610 for further info.
ST. CROIX VALLEY: Meets the 1st Thursday of every
month at United Methodist Church, 1401 Laurel Avenue,
Hudson, WI. For more information, call Ron or Kathy at
651.439.3290.
OTHER SUPPORT GROUPS
THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS NATIONAL OFFICE
TCF……………………………………..toll free: 1.877.969.0010
E-mail: [email protected]
National Website: www.compassionatefriends.org
We Need Not Walk Alone, TCF’s national magazine is now
available online! Go to www.compassionatefriends.org for
further information regarding receiving it online.
SUICIDE
Survivors of Suicide ………………………………612.922.5830
Suicide Awareness/Voices of Education..952.946.7998
www.SAVE.org
Crisis Hotline……………………………………1.800.784.2433
INFANT LOSS
Infants Remembered In Silence, Inc. (IRIS)
112 Third St. NE
Faribault, MN 55021
(507) 334-4748
www.irisRemembers.com
STEERING COMMITTEE MEETINGS
The St. Paul Chapter enthusiastically
welcomes members who are
interested in helping with the work
of the chapter and its direction. If
you would like to find out more
information about joining the
Steering Committee, please call
Cathy at 651.459.9341 for the time
and date of our next meeting.
Articles printed in this newsletter are reflective of the
individual writers' views and not necessarily the opinion of
the Editor or TCF. As we each grieve differently, we will also
find different things to be helpful. Therefore, a variety of
views, articles and poems are included in each newsletter to
reach out to all of our readers.
In accordance with the Principles of The Compassionate
Friends, "We treat what is said at meetings as confidential
and what we learn about each other as privileged
information." In order to protect the privacy of our
members, our database, e-mail addresses, and mailing list is
used for TCF purposes only.
At the present time, we have a sibling contact person (see
this page for Alyssa's phone number) but do not have a
scheduled sibling meeting. However, siblings age 16 and
over are welcome at our regular meetings.
We are unable to provide childcare during our meetings at
this time. While we understand the difficulties of finding
child care, we respectfully ask that any children attending
with you be old enough to understand the meeting
discussions. We request that attendees be 16 years or older.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2013
PAGE-2
Our Children Remembered
LOVED…MISSED…REMEMBERED ON THEIR BIRTHDAY AND ALWAYS
3rd
3rd
11th
16th
4th
5th
7th
8th
12th
12th
14th
3rd
4th
9th
10th
12th
12th
16th
17th
18th
23rd
February
17th Cooper, son of Kris Aikens
26th Kathy Jo Whitehead, daughter of Mary Lou O’Connor
26th…..Christopher Lee Smith, son of Pat Smith
27th Avery Minne, daughter of Marie LaBreche-Olson
March
Nels, son of Don Knutson
16th Joey, son of Diane Nelson
Jeffrey David, son of Ken & Diane Olinger
18th Jesse Frank, son and stepson of Sandy and Cliff
Gregory, son of Julie & Don Larson
Romberg, and brother of Alyssa Frank
Brittany, daughter of Inge Black
21st
Frances, daughter of Bill & Barbara Welke
Bennett Swedzinski, son of Marissa Nelson
25th
Cheryl, daughter of Denise & Steve Bjerke
John Temujin Guckin, son of Alice Mae Guckin
27th
John, brother of Kristy Schauer
Robert, son of Pete & Lee Meyerson, brother of Charlie
30th
Kayla Hoffman, daughter of Kristy Schauer
April
Nic Manolovitz, nephew of Nellie Frascone
24th Adam, son of Mark & Linda Triplett, brother of Katrina
Eric, son of Gary & Kay Yanka, and brother of Joe &
26th …Jimmy, son of Jim & Cindy Sandberg
Stacy Kern
26th Audrey Hull, daughter of Harry Hull & Suzi Henrichs
Sharon, daughter of Lois Nyman
27th Noah Thomas, son of Angela Miller
Michael, Jr., son of Carol & Mike Morgan
28th Christine Flaherty, sister of Rick Monita
Zachary, son of Christopher Hoffer
29th Brandon, son of Dave Esberg
Kellie, daughter of Sue Hanson
29th April, daughter of Lori & Bill Englund
Marissa Marie, daughter of Nancy Bauer
30th River Daniel, son of Ben & Deanne Wheeler
Brandon Quinn-Gomez, son of Teresa Quinn
30th Michelle, daughter of Chuck Winter
Greg Rundell, son of Joanne Richardson
30th Paul Michael, son of Mike & Sheryl Staack
Michael, son of Wendy & Tom Langer, brother of Jim
Gracie Joles, niece of Becky Dufresne
Nick, son of Roxsanne Opse
Anika Troedsson, daughter of Stephanie Valberg
Ann-Marie, daughter of Ronele & Jerry Janes
IN OUR HEARTS AND IN OUR THOUGHTS ON THEIR REMEMBRANCE DAY
February
Dray Mercado, son of Jeannine Krieger
24th Todd, son of Shirley & Don Terhell
Brent, son of Nancy & Jim Hendrickson
25th Jeffrey, son of Mary Jo Erickson
Ann-Marie, daughter of Jerry & Ronele Janes
26th Timothy Keith, son of Ken & Diane Olinger
Liam Wiggins, son of Lynne Sullivan
27th .Avery Minne, daughter of Marile LaBreche-Olson
Robert, son of Lee & Pete Meyerson, brother of Charlie
29th Kyle, son of Ken & Karen Hannemann, brother of
Kristin Garrett
March
1st Ray, brother of Leigh Ann Ahmad
15th ….Brandon, son of Dave Esberg
st
1
Anne, daughter of Ed Kraft
16th Joey, son of Diane Nelson
1st …David, son of Laurie & Rodney Ogard
17th Kyle, son of Joan & Greg Joswiak, brother of Rose
rd
3
Greg, son of Judy Townsend
17th Preston, son of Sherry Anthony
rd
3
Gregory, son of Don & Julie Larson
21st Shelly Buchanan, daughter of Carol Malek
th
5
Christopher Lee Smith, son of Pat Smith
24th Julia Ann Bartlett, daughter of Carol & the late George
5th Jeffrey David, son of Diane & Ken Olinger
Konkle
8th Kathy Jo Whitehead, daughter of Mary Lou O’Connor
25th Brandon Quinn-Gomez, son of Teresa Quinn
10th Sharon, daughter of Lois Nyman
25th Sarah Bachman Busch, daughter of Randall Bachman
th
10
Kayla Hoffman, daughter of Kristy Schauer
26th Greg Rundell, son of Joanne Richardson
11th Patrick, son of Julie Niemi, brother of Allan & Joe
26th Jami Agudelo, daughter of Pat Ossell
th
13
Bennett Swedzinski, son of Marissa Nelson
28th Anika Troedsson, daughter of Stephanie Valberg
th
15 …John Temujin Guckin & John Tyler Guckin, son &
grandson of Alice Mae Guckin
April
5th
Michelle, daughter of Chuck Winter
15th Erin, daughter of Colleen & David Hines
th
5
April, daughter of Lori & Bill Englund
17th Nicholas, son of Becky & Tom Ogren
5th
Renee Thompson, daughter of Liinda Hurst
19th Jason, son of Kim Norbeck, brother of Holly
9th Carley Jean, daughter of Brenda Bauman
21st Audrey Hull, daughter of Harry Hull & Suzi Henrichs
th
10
Becky, daughter of Cindy Novak
22nd Bill Achterling, stepson of Steve Wertz
th
14
Maren Linn, daughter of Jennifer & Jeff Kissell
30th Lawson Rios, grandson of Linda Bergan
30th Frances, daughter of Barbara & Bill Welke
2nd
3rd
14th
19th
20th
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2013
PAGE-3
BIRTHDAY REMEMBRANCE TABLE
“LOVE GIFTS” are tax-deductible
donations given in memory of our children
or other loved ones by family, friends, or
others who wish to help with the work of
the St. Paul Chapter. Our chapter is selfsupporting and donations fund our chapter
activities, such as meeting supplies and featured speakers;
Candle Lighting and Balloon Release program; special
events; resources such as books, pamphlets and outreach
materials for the newly bereaved families; postage and
printing for newsletters and flyers, and more. We sincerely
appreciate your generous support. “Love Gifts” were
given in loving memory by the following:
-
Mary Ann Pojar for son, John
Laura & Tom Burback for son, Tommy
Karen Jonk for daughter, Tonia
Greg & Donna Land for son, Bobby
Jason & Anne Cade for son, Daniel Scott
Mardell & Richard Cavanaugh for granddaughter,
Angela Klover
Kristie Winter for son, Travis
Inge Blank for daughter, Brittany
Bill & Barbara Welke for daughter, Frances
Steve Wertz for stepson, Bill Achterling
Bob & Jeanne Walz for daughter, Kelly Jeanne Thompson
Lois Johnson for daughter, Cindy
Kathy Higgins for daughter, Caitlin
Tom & Wendy Langer for son, Michael
Don & Julie Larson for son, Gregory
Nancy & John Price for son, Ian
Susan Tuomela for son, Nicholas
Carol Malek for son & daughter, Jesse & Shelly Buchanan
MaryLynn & Dan Saande for daughter Aleeza, and
Joseph Langlois, Marylynn’s brother
Jackie Bandzak for son, Derek Grabinski
David & Colleen Hines for daughter, Erin
Kim Pietruszewski for daughter, Hannah Rose ZumMallen
Cheryl McColley for son, Tony
Sue Ward for son, Levi
Gary & Kay Yanka for son, Eric
Maxine Blommer for sons, James & Joshua Haglund
Laurel Vigeant for daughter, Germain
Dan & Bonnie Boyum for son, Michael
Joe & Denise Kirby for daughter, Nicole
Charlene Danielson-Nelson for son, David
Donna Lindberg for daughter, Rosalyn Lindberg-Lasko
Lyle & Jan Lindberg for daughter, Sabrina
Tom Franzen for mother Beverly and brother David
Kate Petrick for daughter, Jessica
Mary Jo Erickson for son, Jeffrey
Linda Hurst for daughter, Renee Thompson
Lonnie Bohnen for son, Brett
Suzi Henrichs & Harry Hull for daughter, Audrey Hull
Randall Bachman for daughter, Sarah Bachman Busch
Al & Kathy Lesnau for son, Charlie
Linda Bergan for son Derek & grandson Lawson Rios
Marlene & Joe Keyser for son, John
Marcia & David Preller for son, Michael
Jim & Cindy Sandberg for son, Jimmy
Rod & Laurie Ogard for son, David
Steve & Lisa Gott for son, Adam
Jim Franzen for son David & wife Beverly
If it is the birthday month of your child,
sibling, or grandchild (or someone who
was like a child to you such as a niece
or nephew), we invite you to come to
our monthly meeting and use the
Birthday Remembrance Table to display
photos or other mementos. We do this to celebrate their
lives and to share this special day with others who
understand how important it is for us to acknowledge the
day they were born. You can also bring a special treat or
even a birthday cake to share if you wish (if you don’t
regularly come to meetings, we would love to meet you and
honor your loved one).
Some of our members also like to bring a picture during the
monthly meeting of their remembrance day (our chapter
prefers “remembrance day” as an acknowledgment of the
day of their death), and you are more than welcome to do
that as well.
36th TCF NATIONAL
CONFERENCE
JULY 5-7, 2013
BOSTON, MA
“Beacon of Love, Rays of Hope”
Reservations are being accepted NOW for hotel rooms for
TCF's 36th National Conference being held at the Boston
Sheraton July 5-7, 2013. Reservations for rooms at the
conference host hotel can be made via the Online
Reservation link on the TCF website's “2013 National
Conference” page or by calling the hotel at 888-627-7054.
Room charge is $129 per night plus tax, available in King,
Queen or 2 Doubles. Must mention The Compassionate
Friends Conference to receive the special rate. There is very
limited availability for days before or after the conference.
While a large room block has been reserved, we recommend
reserving your room early to avoid disappointment. Don't
miss the opportunity to participate in this great conference
with many activities and workshops for bereaved parents,
siblings, and grandparents. Separate registration for the
conference itself will be available at a later date.
SPONSORING A NEWSLETTER
Our chapter members have an opportunity to remember
their child, sibling, or grandchild by sponsoring the printing
and/or postage of an edition of our newsletter. The
newsletter is our chapter's largest expense (mailed 4 times a
year), yet one of our most important ways of outreach and
support to our present and future members.
Cost of printing the newsletter: approximately $200
Cost of postage: approximately $150 (depending on
pages and weight of paper)
Your sponsorship will be acknowledged in the newsletter—
and starting this year adding a picture if you’d like (see
front page to see how it looks). If you would like to sponsor
a future newsletter, please contact Cathy at 651-459-9341
or e-mail [email protected]
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2013
PAGE- 4
A SPECIAL MESSAGE TO OUR NEW
COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
If you are newly bereaved and have recently attended your
first Compassionate Friends meeting, you may have left
feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained; or you may
have felt a great sense of relief knowing that you found an
environment of support and understanding. Your reactions
may be varied. Each of us remembers how difficult it was
to walk through the meeting-room doors for the first time.
With the heavy load of grief that you are carrying, you may
feel that you cannot bear to hear about all the pain that is
shared at meetings. Consequently, you may have decided
not to return. We would like to let you know that these
feelings are common to all of our members, many of whom
resolved not to expose themselves to such anguish again,
but were drawn back by the knowledge that they were
among those who “know how you feel”. Please give us at
least three tries before you decide whether or not the
meetings are for you. You will find a network of caring and
support which will help you as you travel this journey of
grief and assuredly find hope along the way. We truly care
and want you to know that you need not walk alone.
OUR CHAPTER LIBRARY
If you have books, DVD’s, CD’s, or other resources that
you have read and felt were helpful, and you no longer
wish to keep them, please consider donating them to our
chapter library for our members use. We put a nameplate
inside the cover of each that says who donated it and who
it was donated in memory or in honor of. It is then
available for our members to check out; they too are then
able to reap the same benefits from them as you did.
If you have checked out resources from the library and
have not returned them after you were done with them,
please do so that others can benefit from them as well. It
is easy to forget that you still have something checked out.
NEWSLETTER RENEWAL & PERMISSION FORMS
VERY IMPORTANT! If you have not already done so,
PLEASE return the yearly form that tells us if you would
like to continue receiving the newsletter and giving us
permission to print your child/sibling/grandchild’s name on
page 3. It is very important that I receive your signed
permission or I will have to remove your name from the
mailing/e-mailing list. I never like to do that because I
think the newsletter is such an important resource and, for
many, the only support connection on their grief journey
with articles and poems written by bereaved families,
chapter and national TCF information, etc. If you need
another form. I can either mail it to you or send it to you
through email. If you have any questions you can call me
at 651.459.9341 or email at [email protected]
TCF NATIONAL WEBINARS
The Compassionate Friends provides its webinars free
of charge as a service to the bereaved. If you have
questions about the webinars please email at
[email protected]. Below is a list
of some of the webinars offered in the TCF Webinar
Library. Go to the TCF national website at
www.compassionatefriends.org , click on News &
Events, and then click on Webinar Library and scroll
through the list of webinars that
are in the archive for you to view.
-
-
The Nation Mourns and
Together We Heal
(regarding Newtown
tragedy.
Dreams: A Blessing for the Bereaved
Handing the Holidays
A Father’s Grief
Grief and Today’s Family
Seven Dos and Don’ts for Staying Connected
as a Couple During Grief
Siblings Grieve Too
Coping with Grief During Bereavement
Getting Stuck and UnStuck
Caring for Your Health While Grieving
Upcoming Webinars:
- February 21, 2013 -- Children's Grief in Today's
-
World
March 21, 2013 --Death from Substance
Related Causes
Space is limited. For the upcoming webinars, reserve your
Webinar seat now at
https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/621433322
Frankfort, Kentucky Chapter
Regional Conference
“Walking Towards Stars of Hope”
April 5 & 6, 2013
Speakers include TCF Board Member Chuck Collins and
special guest presenter Michael Nunley, who will conduct a
workshop on grief/music and performance Friday evening.
Registration $60 per person. Being held at the Capital Plaza
Hotel.
The content of regional conferences will vary greatly as
planners try to provide a comfortable and pleasant learning
and sharing experience for all who attend. Most regional
conferences have workshops of some type and quite often
a special speaker and other planned events. Usually 50200 people will attend most TCF regional conferences
compared to 1200 or more for TCF’s annual national
conference. [Editor’s Note: Regional conferences are a
smaller version of the national conferences and still
wonderfully supportive, making for a intimate gathering –
I’ve enjoyed the ones I have attended very much.]
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2013
PAGE-5
VALENTINE FACES OF GRIEF
Though winter’s delicate, lacy snowflakes may remind us of the lace-trimmed hearts of February’s Valentines, the
“mourning” heart seems frozen in time. The bitter winds of loneliness blow mournfully through our souls. Death has
tapped us on the shoulder, introducing his brother, Grief, who has moved into our hearts to take up unwelcome
residence. Wearied and exhausted by our pain, we have little energy to evict the intruder. It’s hard for us to remember
that the sun still faithfully shines behind the clouds that have obscured our vision.
“Love” is apparently the thought for the season, and we are reminded of its tenderness at every turn. But a piece of the
fiber of our lives has been torn away, and love seems a vague and unfulfilled promise that belongs only to others. Hearts
and flowers, lace and love, romantic verse and melody seem to have abandoned us as we grope in the darkness of our
beloved’s absence.
Will the pain ever end? Will the hope of joy and renewal once again warm the frozen places in our hearts? Gradually, as
the hurt begins to soften, and the thawing relief of healing slowly begins to melt the icy grip of our pain, hope does begin
to “spring eternal.”
Roses, traditional in February’s favorite holiday, remind us that summer will return (even if it is not on the traditional
calendar’s schedule!). It’s unlikely that we will ever again perceive the usual symbols of love in quite the same way as
before, but in many ways our concepts of genuine love will be stronger, richer and less assailable. Frivolous and shallow
affection are absent from our thoughts. Deeper commitments and more demonstrative attention have become our new
marching orders.
In costly lessons, we’ve learned firsthand how fragile and fleeting life can be, and we are now resolute in our
determination to announce to our remaining dear ones the importance of our bonds with them. We abandon the
intimidation of “limits” such as the archaic notions that a “man” mustn’t cry or say, “I love you,” or that we’re too busy
just now to pay better attention to someone’s needs.
As little by little our pain softens and recedes, and we learn that suffering is but for a season, we also learn that LOVE
doesn’t die. In our emotional lives, Valentines can now take on a new significance as precious reminders of the love that
still exists on both sides of life. Love lives within our hearts, and even Grief cannot steal it away. Love is our bridge over
the rainbow.
— Andrea Gambill
BEREAVEMENT MAGAZINE
A VALENTINE FOR MY DAUGHTER
My precious daughter, do you know that Valentine’s Day has changed for me forever? Is it possible to love you even
more deeply since you died, or is it just that the true meaning of love is clearer to me now; what it means to love, what
it means to be loved? How I miss those heart-shaped cards with the lacy white doilies, and the phone calls ending with
the sweet “I love you, Mom”. How ironic that you left us so broken-hearted, so devastated, on a cold February night in
the month of love. You left me with an acute sudden awareness of the depth of the love we shared, and how fortunate I
was to be blessed with such a devoted and loving daughter and friend. My valentine to you this year is my solemn
promise to keep my heart full of love, full of your spirit. Mahatma Gandhi said “Where there is love, there is life”…your
life, my precious daughter…our love.
— Kathy Ireland
Anne Arundel County Chapter – BP/USA
In Memory of Melissa Ireland Frainie
December 12, 1971 – February 12, 2007
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2013
PAGE-6
SIBLINGS PAGE…
Grief and Loss: Understanding the Death of a Sibling
I can still remember the call that told me my younger brother was dead. It was from my grandmother.
Funnily enough I'd been contemplating that my grandparents were getting old and that I needed to
prepare myself for their death. I never expected that I would receive a call from them to tell me that my
brother had crashed his car into a lamp post on the way home from a concert and was killed
immediately. He was 17 – I was 22.
The death of a sibling is strange. Everyone asks how your parents and their partner are but everyone seems to forget
about you. It's as if you are not important. Your role is there to provide support to everyone else. Somehow it didn't
surprise me when I went looking for information on the internet and found that siblings were known as the "forgotten
mourners."
The relationship between siblings is unique. There is no-one else in the world that you have such a love-hate relationship
with. I know that I would curse my brother harshly but if anyone else did, then I would attack them for it. Siblings have a
right that no-one else has. It means that you can show your worst to them and know that they will still forgive you
afterwards and speak to you like nothing was wrong.
Some people attribute this gift to parents too. Yet it is different. As a sibling you are allowed to know hidden activities,
beliefs, attitudes and dreams that are never shared with parents. As your sibling grows older this perspective can be
transferred to partners but siblings seem to share the most information.
When you lose a sibling you also lose your identity. Your sibling has always been part of your life. They have helped
define who you are and your role within the family. It leads you to question who you are and what your life purpose is.
If you are younger like me, you also lose the chance to develop a relationship based on friendship with someone who has
known you their whole life. I know that my relationship with my brother was changing as he died. Although he was my
younger brother, his wisdom at times made him appear to be my older brother. I was grateful for someone who was
looking out for me. And I was so angry that this had been taken away from me. I was also angry that I would never see
him get married, have children or grow old so I could tease him about how ugly he was getting. Your sibling is also your
peer so it leads you to question your own mortality. It also leads you to question why them and not me. In my attempt
to make sense of this question I moved into the realm of helping others affected by loss transform grief, find peace and
feel more positive about the future. It was my way of justifying my brother's death.
It's now been over 8 years since my brother died and I am at peace with it. It's OK that I'll never fight with him again or
hug and make up. It's OK that I'll never know what man he would have grown into. I still think about him every day and
I talk to him a lot. I've created a new relationship with him that continues on after death. After all, he is my brother and
always will be. Not even death can take that away from me.
~By Tabitha Jayne who is a Grief and Loss Transformation Coach who supports people affected by loss transform grief, find peace and
feel more positive about the future so that they can create happier, healthier, more meaningful lives in tribute to their loved ones.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Tabitha_Jayne
GRIEF IS LONELY
Grief is lonely. When my sister died two years ago, everyone knew about it and talked about it. Everyone was in shock –
but now, two years later, the anniversary of her death came and went without even a card in the mail. No one at work
remembered the day. No one called to say, “I am thinking of you.” No one asked, “How are you feeling?” My family has
stayed in close contact and we talk about Susan all the time. But when it comes to grieving over Susan, everyone
grieves alone. No one knows how I feel about my little sister and how it hurts me so deeply to know she is not here.
Everything else in life can be shared with someone else, but not grieving. No one can fully understand the pain because
everyone’s pain is different. When the pain is the greatest, the loneliness is the greatest, too. I never thought I could feel
this much pain and still survive. I am alone in my grief. There is no one else here with me. Susan was born when I was
almost 11. She committed suicide when she was 16. The baby of the family, the youngest of four kids; our hearts are
broken forever.
~ Cherie Bagadiong, TCF/St. Mary’s County
[Editor’s Note: TCF encourages the use of the language “died by suicide” or “died of suicide” to replace “committed suicide”. It is an
effort to remove the stigma of suicide as a crime, which “committed” implies. Research shows that most suicide deaths are linked to
clinical depression]
THE ST. PAUL CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2013
PAGE-7
FRENCH TOAST
I stand here before the stove.
All the
ingredients are
here,
The eggs, the
milk,
Vanilla,
cinnamon and
sugar.
The frying pan is heating
slowly,
Melting the butter,
And still I stand
In my robe and slippers.
I pick up the egg to break it in
the bowl,
But I just can't do it.
I want so much to fix French
Toast,
Because my husband loves it
so.
Just like my son did all his
life...
Right up until he died.
I've lived this scene
So many times since then,
Always with a tear and a sigh.
He'd had French Toast
At least once a week
For more years than I can
remember.
How they ate! I'd laugh and
complain,
Because I had to cook so
much.
Once, in Florida,
When we had French Toast
For breakfast in a restaurant
with friends,
He said, "This is okay,
But you ought to taste my
mom's!"
I can still hear him saying it.
Now, I just can't do it.
I cannot cook French Toast!
My husband never asks,
And while I stand
Before the stove and weep,
He pretends not to notice.
But I know he understands.
I just can't cook French Toast
THOUGHTS ON MARY TODD LINCOLN
Abraham Lincoln has always been my most admired and respected figure in
the history of our country. After standing in front of his statue at the Lincoln
Memorial, no one could ever forget the terrible, marked sadness in his face,
his forlorn and melancholy attitude.
I have been picking up, from other chapter newsletters, the many pieces of
prose and poetry attributed to Lincoln which speak so poignantly of grief, and
I have researched the Lincoln life. It is for his wife, Mary, for whom I cringe
now when I read how life dealt with her. Washington gossip circles referred
to her “mental state,” andthat she was “deranged” and “eccentric.”
The Lincolns had four sons. Edward, their second son, died in February 1850
when nearly four. Their third son, Willie, was born in December of that year
and died in February 1862 at the age of 11. Then, the tragedy of tragedies.
In April 1865, President Lincoln was assassinated in front of his wife’s eyes.
Her grief must have been worse than inconsolable.
How could life deal such a terrible fate to one woman? How could any one of
us deal with such multiple tragedies? We know how easy it is to feel as if we
are “going crazy,” and how common that feeling is. To share
that feeling in Compassionate Friends is more than
wonderful...to be assured that it is common, to learn and
understand from other bereaved parents why we feel that way,
and that it will pass, helps immeasurably.
But tragedy stalked Mary Lincoln’s footsteps, for not quite six
years later Tad was killed at age 18 in January 1871. History books do not
say, but I pray that Mrs. Lincoln had one compassionate friend who
understood her grief over the death of her three sons and her husband. One
friend wrote of her: “Poor Mrs. Lincoln. She’s been a deranged person”.
Yes, of that I am sure. And I thank God for The Compassionate Friends!
~ Mary LaTour, TCF Dallas 1 Chapter
DEATH FROM A GRANDPARENT’S POINT OF VIEW
The death of a child is the most tragic thing that can happen to anyone. It
affects so many lives—family, friends, and even strangers.
I lost my grandchild through death, and only a grandparent can understand
the special love we have for our grandchildren and the loss we feel when the
child dies. For grandparents, it is a double loss. Not only is your grandchild
gone, but you also watch your child die each day.
The smile that was always on my daughter’s face is no longer there. The hurt
is so deep and there are so many questions. You feel helpless as a parent.
You can’t kiss the hurt away as you did when they were a child. You have no
answers for their questions, for you can barely understand your own feelings.
Each day I hope and pray for a little ray of sunshine to show on my
daughter’s face. I search for a little something to say or do that will comfort
her. It seems that there is no end to the suffering.
~Fay Harden
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
As time has slowly gone by, I have seen the healing
process begin. In time a ray of hope will shine on my
daughter’s face and a smile will make her eyes light up
again. She will turn to me for what little comfort I can
give her. There will always be a part of me that is gone,
but in time I will learn to live with the part that is still
there.
~ Ruth Eaton, TCF– Savannah, GA
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2013
PAGE-8
GRIEF: THE PRICE WE PAY FOR LOVE
THE SEASONS OF GRIEF
Easter bunnies, brand new clothes, egg
hunts, candy and baskets - the start of
Spring. How exciting is this time of the
year: a new beginning, everything so
fresh and so invigorating! But
unfortunately only painful and 'sorrowful
memories are here for those of us who are
bereaved parents, grandparents and
siblings. Gone is the laughter,
the excitement in a special child's eyes, the feeling of a
whole new aspect in life.
Spring is here and the world appears ready to be born
again with new life, new hope, new wonders. How can we
view life in this way when part of ourselves is now gone,
forever lost to us? How can our lives continue to go on
when one of us is missing, no longer able to share in this
"newness" of life? It seems so unfair! And yet, out of our
"darkness" comes the first signs of hope, a "bud" of
survival, a moment of laughter, a memory of a
happier time.
The Easter season usually represents rebirth; let this
season be the "birth'! of your finding your way back to life
again, of finding the ability to heal, and of being able to
resolve your grief so that hope and comfort is once again in
your lives, Let this time of the year show you can make it
through this deepest, most difficult, and sorrowful time of
your lives.
~Chris Gilbert, TCF, Tampa, FL
A FOREVER BABY
At quiet times, when there is just me, I find myself
dreaming and planning for the three of us. Then I am
brought back to reality and realize that for now there are
just two of us. I wonder what am I to do with all the
hopes, plans, and dreams I had for you, for the family we
would have been.
I wonder about you. I try to picture you in my mind.
When I do, my eyes sting, my throat gets tight, and I know
all I want is to haveand hold you. Then I am brought back
to reality and realize now I can only hold you in my mind
and heart.
I have many feelings inside, some I
share, others I hide, but they are
mine. They are okay. They are about
you. At times I wonder why instead of
being a baby in our lives and the
world, you were chosen to be a
FOREVER baby in a life and world of
eternity. It is hard for me to understand why. In fact, I
don’t
At times life seems difficult and even unfair, and pulling
through seems like an impossible task. But when we do,
our sense of accomplishment is great. It gives us hope and
courage to go on with life. I am finding hope, courage, and
strength in God to carry on and to try to handle whatever
lies ahead. I will never forget the precious and powerful
way you entered and left my life in only a moment of time.
I love you even though you could not stay.
Grief is a NATURAL and NORMAL reaction to loss…loss of
any kind. It is a physical, emotional, spiritual and
psychological response. The death of a loved one is
perhaps the most devastating loss one may experience.
Yet, grief occurs following any change in our lives. Even
positive changes can bring a momentary grief response.
Grief is a complex process, guided by our past
experiences, our religious beliefs, our socia-economic
situation, our physical health and the cause of loss. Loss,
anger, fear, frustration, loneliness and guilt are all part of
grief. It is important to understand that grief is NOT a sign
of weakness nor a lack of faith. GRIEF IS THE PRICE WE
PAY FOR LOVE.
Grieving may cause physical and behavioral changes
such as sleep irregularities, changes in appetite,
gastrointestinal disturbances, “heart ache”, restlessness,
spontaneous crying, irritability, sighing or muscle tension.
Anger and guilt are common emotions. You may feel
angry with God, your spouse, your children or with others,
either involved or totally separate from the death. You
may be angry with yourself. Guilt feelings often accompany
or follow anger. You may want to withdraw and be left
alone.
Depression, feelings of emptiness or hollowness may
temporarily overcome you. You may experience
headaches, tightness in the throat or chest, muscle aches,
or a burning sensation in your stomach. Grief hurts! You
may, for a while, become preoccupied with images of your
loved one. You may “see” or sense your loved one’s
presence. You may begin to wonder if you are going crazy.
You can help yourself through grief.
1. Acknowledge the loss.
2. Accept the pain of grief. Try to live through it, not
avoid it.
3. Share your thoughts and feelings. Find enough
compassionate listeners. You can talk more than
one person can listen!
4. Understand that each person has an individual
timetable for grief. Each person grieves separately
and differently. We each move through grief at our
own pace.
5. Find your sense of humor. Try to hang onto it!
6. Get some physical exercise. If nothing else, jog
your memory.
7. Learn to hug again.
8. Accept yourself. Begin to understand you are
someone new. Acknowledge that change.
9. Begin to become the person you already are………..
10. Remember, though death comes, LOVE NEVER
GOES AWAY!!!!!
- By Darcie Sims
~ Elena Baker, TCF – Pottstown, PA
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2013
PAGE-9
SEASONS OF THE HEART
Your special days are unchanging
Seasons of the heart I celebrate.
Your birth, forever spring,
Tender memories relate,
New and green, a dream
From which too soon I awake.
The summer of your life was bright
Laughter needed no reason,
Seemingly endless days of sharing.
Sixteen summers. Short in season.
Your death brought winter without
warning,
What sense in all this can be found?
Summer dreams replaced with
mourning.
Where is hope now?
But the heart knows what
The mind cannot accept
That when all is lost,
It is love that is left.
Love knows no barriers
Time or distance recognize.
Love does not diminish,
But is constant in our lives.
And like a summer breeze
Uplifts and inspires us
With healing memories.
~ Peggy Walls
For son Eddie (2/18/745—5/30/90)
SPRING
Spring is not far away there is a smell of growing things
about.
The snow looks somehow
even more perishable now.
Spring is not far away And memories move to another place,
Remembering: a squeaky swing
in the garden, going back and forth,
back and forth…
Remembering a bicycle taken out
for its first ride…
Remembering: incredibly wet boots,
cold hands, kissing-fresh face…
So many things remembered,
How many lost?
Not one, not one.
The heart remembers always.
Spring is not far away.
~ Sascha Wagner
DIDN'T I JUST SAY THAT?
FOREVER LOVE
Perhaps you've heard someone say,
"When are you going to get over your
child's death?" or, "You should just get
on with your life."
When I said goodbye
did you know I really meant
never ever?
(never ever, never ever.)
What do they mean? As bereaved
parents, our lives are going on 24
hours a day, 365 days a year, and we
continue to care for our families, work,
go to the movies, prepare dinners. We
still do all the ordinary, daily things.
When I say forever
do you know I really mean
forever and ever-(and ever and ever?)
So they really mean that I should
never mention my deceased child's
name again because it makes them
feel uncomfortable? Strange how it's
okay for people to reminisce about
their child's lives, but look unsettled
when we do the same. People don't
realize that we need to reminisce
also—it verifies that our child lived. It
lets the love out. They talk about their
child's future—college, marriage,
career—but when I say "I wonder
what my son does in Heaven—I hope
he isn't hassling God," they look
stunned and want me to "get over"
this.
We think about our children in death
as we thought about them in life—
pondering their whereabouts, their
well being. Our parental instincts and
concerns continue. How can we
tactfully educate without alienating
others and still feel free to express
ourselves? And, when appropriate, feel
comfortable mentioning our child's
name?
Try to understand the discomfort of
others if they have not been touched
by death as we have been. Let's
gently thank them for allowing us to
share our memories
and our dreams, for parental love is
never severed, even by death.
When I say goodnight
do you know I really mean
I stay awake all night
praying you are safe and
sound?
When I say I miss you
do you know I really mean
I search for you everywhere,
like you're a lost child that can
be found?
When I say I love you
do you know I really mean
I'd give my life for yours insteadover and over and over again?
When I said goodbye
did you know I really meant
never ever?
(never ever, never ever.)
When I say forever
do you know I really mean
forever and ever-(and ever and ever?)
Forever always, I'll miss you
Forever always, I'll love you
Forever always, I'll ache to hold
you again
Forever, my love-Forever-- love
We are-forever love.
~ by Nancy Green
ANDREW AND THOMAS
A simple question.
Never a problem before.
―Do you have any children?‖
Really, a simple question.
Easy. I say, ―Yes, ― but
What do I say to how many?
―Two,‖ my hard-headed
Heart always says.
One is dead.
Must I say only one?
Absolutely not – I have two sons.
~ Angela Miller, Noah’s mom –
Bereaved Mamas & TCF/St. Paul
~Shelly Wagner, The Andrew Poems
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2013
PAGE-10
REFLECTIONS ON MARCH
In March, it is as if the higher powers know we need to
be shaken out of the lethargy of winter, awakened,
prepared for growth. Winter is again almost behind us
although the hardwoods very stubbornly hold onto the
last leaves of autumn. Is there a power of nature that
knows that the trees, the plants, and we humans are
still within our lethargy, fixed in modes of inactivity,
semi-dormant, and like all sleepers, resentful of rough
disturbance?
Is there a knowledge that remembers the need for all
things to bend, lest they break? "March comes in like a
lion" and "leaves like a lamb." Perhaps we have a
primordial need for the shake
the month gives us each spring,
and the ensuing lamb is only a
resting lion, all work done for
this period of renewal.
Suddenly the peaceful quiet of
winter days is much disturbed
by violent wind gusting! Stark
limbs are pushed to strive and snap back against a still
gray sky. The hangers-on, the last dead leaves, are
torn from their resting places, as if the stark trees are
told there must be room for new growth! Neighbors
complain as the wind moves all trash, seemingly
deposits it where it knows it will be cleared. March is
not a gentle month, but perhaps it is the most playful of
all months, a very young month! March is as playful as
an adolescent child, a big friendly puppy, an awkward
kitten.
We, Compassionate Friends all seem to go through a
period of dormant life and growth as we struggle to
assimilate our great losses. With the passage of time,
there is then a period of renewal, of interest in life, and
an ability to accept new growth, new tasks, and life's
challenges, an awareness that we can leave some of
our cold winter behind us. Even in deep grief we, too,
seem to come out of our lethargy and be cheered by
the renewal so apparent in spring. We hope that you,
this year, will enjoy the gusting winds of March and be
stirred and cheered by March's playful prelude to the
coming spring.
~Dayton Robinson
TCF, Tuscaloosa, Alabama
What message does an ancient tree receive when its
limbs are flung against the sky, repeatedly exercised,
threatened with severe harm, and small wounds cause
the flow of healing juices? What happens to the roots in
their winter sleep when shaken by the wind-flung tree?
March roars in like a lion, but no great harm results.
March rages like an upset mother, but we know she
loves us. March is playful. March rests, and storms
again in case we again sleep. March cleans the trees,
moves the dead leaves, rearranges all trash, and knows
we will complain and clean it all again. It takes will,
caring and health to complain. March laughs, and all of
us who forgot how to laugh are reminded. Laughter is
healthy. Playful is cheerful. Confusion awakens us.
Storm threats alert us.
Every year March rages, rests, upsets, moves, surprises
and repeats its lively repertoire; adolescent, out of
sequence, full of surprise.. Bare trees flail against the
sky. The waters of the lakes are roiled. New plants are
rudely pushed about. Old ones are roughly awakened
by the boisterous side of nature. March is the exuberant
one of all the months. March ensures that, ready or
not, we will greet the renewal of nature, new growth,
new challenge. We are simply not allowed to hide in our
comfortable "rut." March is the month that refuses to
be ignored. We are thrown out of the comfort of the
winter shell. March's message seems to be "Ready or
not," it's time to be alive again.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
YES FOR SPRING
Crocuses, robins, light breezes and warmth
Signal the coming of Spring.
Already my neighbor measures his lawn
With the spreader to encourage
Green grass and new life.
But not for me. No, not for me.
How dare that robin build
A nest in my apple tree!
Can’t she see that here
Winter still shrouds the house That storms still howl within?
I do not yearn for Spring.
There is no new awakening
Or joy within my heart.
I cling to winter’s dreary cold
For it echoes the cry of my soul.
And yet that bird builds.
Now comes her mate to add
A ribbon fallen from the Christmas rubble.
Together they stack and weave
Until a strong new nest appears.
Was last year’s nest torn asunder
By winter’s brutal wrath?
Were the nestlings caught
By neighbor’s greedy cat?
Whatever - robin sits upon the new nest.
I watch the robins and long to stay in winter.
To postpone the pain of rebuilding.
But I cannot - I must not.
Spring is coming even here.
Crocuses grow in my yard, too.
And for me - especially for me.
~ Marcia F. Alig, TCF, Hightstown, NJ
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2013
PAGE-11
The Compassionate Friends/St. Paul Chapter
c/o Cathy Seehuetter
7884 Irish Avenue South
Cottage Grove, MN 55016-2072
PLEASE FORWARD
And when we have remembered everything,
we grow afraid of what we may forget.
A face, a voice, a smile? A birthday? An anniversary?
No need to fear forgetting – the heart remembers always…
~ Sascha Wagner
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