The St. Paul Chapter meets the 2nd Thursday of each month at

Edition No. 636
7884 Irish Avenue S., Cottage Grove, MN 55016
AUG/SEPT/OCT 2012
St. Paul Chapter E-mail address: [email protected]
TCF National Office, P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522 Phone # (toll free) 877.969.0010
The St. Paul Chapter
meets the 2nd Thursday of
each month at
Beaver Lake Lutheran
Church
2280 Stillwater Avenue;
Maplewood, Minnesota
7:00 PM – 9:00 PM
For chapter information call
Kim at 507.351.4042, or Sandy
at 651.528.6073
Chapter Website:
www.orgsites.com/mn/stpault
cf
MEETING TOPICS:
AUG 9: General Open
Discussion.
SEPT 13:.Cliches of Grief:
“Closure”, Getting over “it”,
and other comments made that
bothered us after our loved one
died.
OCT 11: Living Memorials:
Let’s share the ways we have
found to honor our loved one’s
memory.
Note: Even if there is a topic
scheduled for our meetings, we
are here to discuss whatever is
on your mind; we do not stay
on the topic only.
The St. Paul Chapter has a
Facebook page! Go to
www.facebook.com/TCFStPaul
to “like” us and be one of our
chapter’s Facebook friends.
The Compassionate Friends, Inc. is a mutual assistance, self-help
organization offering friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved
families. Anyone who has experienced the death of a child of any age,
from any cause is welcome. Our meetings give parents an opportunity
to talk about their child and about their feelings as they go through
the grieving process. There is no religious affiliation. There are no
membership dues. The purpose of this support group is not to focus
on the cause of death or the age of the child, as it is to focus on being
a bereaved parent, along with the feelings and issues that evolve
around the death experience of a child.
The Mission of The Compassionate Friends: When a child dies, at
any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and
isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort,
hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a
daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others
better assist the grieving family.
TO OUR NEW MEMBERS
We recognize that it takes great courage to come to the first meeting,
whether you are a bereaved parent, sibling or grandparent of one
month or many years. You are welcome to bring a friend or relative
for moral support if you wish. You will find that it is all right to cry
and to laugh, to share how you feel or just listen. You do not have to
talk at a meeting if you don’t wish to. We welcome your participation,
but it is not a requirement.
TO OUR MEMBERS FURTHER DOWN THE “GRIEF ROAD”
Each meeting we have new parents, siblings and grandparents. THINK
BACK – what would it have been like for you at your first meeting if
there had not been any TCF “veterans” to welcome you, share your
grief, encourage you and tell you, “Your pain will not always be this
bad, it really does get gentler.” We welcome your presence and
support!
INFORMATION REGARDING OUR MEETINGS
This is YOUR group and we are here to support each other. Our
meetings are open to bereaved parents, adult siblings, grandparents,
or adult family members such as aunts or uncles. We hope you will
find our meetings and newsletters to be a comfort, a place where
tears are allowed, no judgments are made, and, in time, that you can
once again find hope and meaning in life.
We Need Not Walk Alone – We are The Compassionate Friends
ST. PAUL CHAPTER INFORMATION
Steering Committee: Jan Navarro, Cori Claugherty, Kim
Pietruszewski, Cliff & Sandy Romberg, Carol & Ralph
Bauman, Chuck Winter & Cathy Seehuetter
Newsletter Editor: Cathy Seehuetter
Secretary/Refreshment Coordinator: Cori Claugherty
Treasurer: Greg Seehuetter
Chapter Co-Webmasters: Kim Pietruszewski & Cathy
Seehuetter
Library: Carol Bauman
Special Events Coordinator: Kim Pietruszewski
Facilitators: Cliff Romberg & Cathy Seehuetter
Remembrance Cards: Colleen Hines
1st Contact: Kim Pietruszewski & Sandy Romberg
New Member Outreach: Cori Claugherty
Sibling Contact: Alyssa Frank
Mailing/Folding Newsletters Team: Carol & Ralph
Bauman
Chapter Leader/MN Regional Coordinator: Cathy
Seehuetter @ 651.459.9341
TELEPHONE FRIENDS
ACCIDENTAL/SUDDEN DEATH:
(Kim)……………………………………………..507.351.4042
(Cori).........................................651.402.9482
ILLNESS (Jeanne)……………………………..………….…651.253.8634
ONLY CHILD (Kathy)………………………………….……651.426.2446
INFANT LOSS (Lori)…………………………………….….952.229.4630
CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS (Colleen)651.788.7885
SIBLING LOSS: (Alyssa)………………………………..651.528.6073
& Alyssa's e-mail address is [email protected]
OTHER MINNESOTA TCF CHAPTERS
MINNEAPOLIS: Meets the 3rd Monday of every month at
Calvary Lutheran Church, 7520 Golden Valley Road in Golden
Valley. Contact Carol at 763.542.8528 for more
information.
RICHFIELD: Meets the 2nd Monday of every month at Hope
Presbyterian Church, 7132 Portland Ave. So. For more
information, call Chris or Bob at 612.825.6500.
APPLE VALLEY: Meets at 7:00 p.m. on the third Tuesday of
each month at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran Church,
12650 Johnny Cake Rd, Apple Valley. Call Susan at
651.683.9236 for further chapter information.
HUTCHINSON: Meets at 7:00 p.m. on the second Monday
of each month at Oakland Chapel. Contact Jo at
320.833.2300.
MONTICELLO: Meets at 7:00 p.m. the 2nd Monday of each
month at St. Henry's Catholic Church, 1001 – 7th St. E.,
Monticello. Call Beth at 763.295.3610 for further info.
Editor’s note: My sincere APOLOGIES for the
lateness of this newsletter. It has been a very difficult
summer since the death of our son/stepson on June 2,
2012. I thank you for your understanding ~ Cathy
OTHER SUPPORT GROUPS
THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS NATIONAL OFFICE
TCF……………………………………..toll free: 1.877.969.0010
E-mail: [email protected]
National Website: www.compassionatefriends.org
We Need Not Walk Alone, TCF’s national magazine is now
available online! Go to www.compassionatefriends.org for
further information regarding receiving it online.
SUICIDE
Survivors of Suicide ………………………………612.922.5830
Suicide Awareness/Voices of Education..952.946.7998
www.SAVE.org
Crisis Hotline……………………………………1.800.784.2433
INFANT LOSS
Infants Remembered In Silence, Inc. (IRIS)
112 Third St. NE
Faribault, MN 55021
(507) 334-4748
www.irisRemembers.com
STEERING COMMITTEE MEETINGS
The St. Paul Chapter
enthusiastically welcomes
members who are interested in
helping with the work of the
chapter and its direction. If you
would like to find out more
information about joining the
Steering Committee, please call Cathy at 651.459.9341 for
the time and date of our next meeting.
Articles printed in this newsletter are reflective of the
individual writers' views and not necessarily the opinion of
the Editor or TCF. As we each grieve differently, we will also
find different things to be helpful. Therefore, a variety of
views, articles and poems are included in each newsletter to
reach out to all of our readers.
In accordance with the Principles of The Compassionate
Friends, "We treat what is said at meetings as confidential
and what we learn about each other as privileged
information." In order to protect the privacy of our
members, our database, e-mail addresses, and mailing list is
used for TCF purposes only.
At the present time, we have a sibling contact person (see
this page for Alyssa's number and e-mail address) but do not
have a scheduled sibling meeting. However, siblings age 16
and over are welcome at our regular meetings.
We are unable to provide childcare during our meetings at
this time. While we understand the difficulties of finding
child care, we respectfully ask that any children attending
with you be old enough to understand the meeting
discussions. We request that attendees be 16 years or older.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
AUGUST/SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2012
PAGE-2
OUR CHILDREN - LOVINGLY REMEMBERED
Keeping the families of our precious children close in thought, sending them comfort and our loving support.
LOVED…MISSED…REMEMBERED…LOVED ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS AND ALWAYS:
2nd
3rd
9th
11th
AUGUST
Amber Rose, daughter of Tom & Lisa Kimlinger
Brett, son of Mark & Lonnie Bohnen
Carley Jean Bruening, daughter of Brenda Bauman
Stacey Tims Morgan, daughter of Rich Tims
1st
3rd
4th
9th
11th
13th
14th
18th
22nd
Shawn, son of Don Knutson
Caleb, son of Katrin & Dan Chistensen
Kellie Kaye, daughter of Joannie Kemling
Erica Ann Wilson, daughter of Jo Verdon
Willie, son of Patty Jacobson
Bill Achterling, stepson of Steve Wertz
Jim, son of Pat Harp
Karissa, daughter of Steve & Lou Neumann
Heather, daughter of Kim & Linda Sanborn
2nd
Mitchell John, son of Joannie Kemling
3rd
6th
6th
7th
9th
11th
11th
14th
17th
Ray, brother of Leigh Ahmad
Keith Pearson, son of Mary Paulson
Christopher James, son of Jim & Sheryl Wright
Maren, daughter of Jeff & Jennifer Kissell
Cindy, daughter of Lois & Warren Johnson
Willie, son of Patty Jacobson
Darrin, son of Joel and Tanya Karnitz
Mike, son of Bonnie & Dan Boyum
Cade, son of Dione & Jimmy Bailey
16th
25th
27th
30th
Levi, son of Sue Ward
Nicole, daughter of Joe & Denise Kirby
Will, son of Meghan Dangerfield
Liam Wiggins, son of Lynne Sullivan
SEPTEMBER
23rd
24th
24th
24th
25th
27th
28th
OCTOBER
Jessica, daughter of Hans & Linda Harapan, sister of Jacqueline
Tony, son of Cheryl McColley
Jessica Swanson, granddaughter of Ruth Krause
Kristina (Nina) Westmoreland, daughter of Cathy & Greg
Seehuetter, sister of Lisa, Amy & Dan, granddaughter of
Harlan & Ellie Plumb
Preston, son of Sherry Anthony
John, son of Joe & Marlene Keyser, brother of Maureen Johnson
Timothy, son of Diane & Ken Olinger
19th Caitlin, daughter of Kathy Higgins, stepdaughter of Joan
Dauphinee
21st Steven, son of Sonja Crain
21st Kevin, son of Laura and Don Goetzke
25th Tonia C. Jonk Nicholas, daughter of Karen Jonk
27th Erin, daughter of Colleen & David Hines
29th Joshua Moon, son of Jennifer Rothe & Steve Moon
29th Kelly Jeanne Thompson, daughter of Jean & Bob Walz
30th Danette Payne, daughter of Diane Nelson
31st Jaden, son of Teresa & Jason Karsten
31st Cody, son of Don & Deb Nelson
OUR BELOVED CHILDREN…FOREVER LOVED AND MISSED ON THEIR REMEMBRANCE DAY
1st
4th
6th
7th
12th
21st
AUGUST
Carter, son of Stephen and Karolyn Geyen
Adam, son of Mark & Linda Triplett, brother of Katrina
Cindy, daughter of Lois & Warren Johnson
Darrin, son of Joel & Tanya Karnitz
Erin, daughter of Colleen Como
Brad Mathiesen, son and stepson of Sherry & Bob Daugherty
23rd
24th
25th
28th
29th
29th
29th
SEPTEMBER
1st
3rd
3rd
10th
10th
12th
14th
16th
17th
Zachary, son of Christopher Hoffer
Ian, son of Nancy and John Price
Micah, son of Tommy & Michele Thompson
Laura McDonald, daughter of Sue & Al Crouse
Philip A. Franklin, son of Kathryn Bazoff
David, son of Jim and the late Bev Franzen
Robert, son of Janice & Mark Baird
Jessica, daughter of Kate Petrick
Stacey Tims Morgan, daughter of Rich Tims
3rd
3rd
6th
6th
7th
8th
9th
12th
Bobby, son of Donna & Greg Land, brother of Sherilynn & Brent
Caleb, son of Dan & Katrin Christensen
Jody Rosenberg, son of Ruth Krause
Felicity, daughter of Rachel Schwendinger
Eli, son of Ben & Leah Kann
Brandon, son of Tom & Missie Tschida
Nicole, daughter of Denise & Joe Kirby
Mitchell John, son of Joannie Kemling
Ryan, son of Cori Claugherty
Larry, son of Lois Nyman
Karissa, daughter of Lou & Steve Neumann
Kaylen, daughter of Scott & Cheryl Baker
Patrick Nicholson, son of Denise Kiehne
Kerri Braun, daughter of Barb & Dave Deters
Katie Clapper, daughter of Paul & Kellee Wallace
20th Derek Beauclaire, son of Rhonda Donahue
& grandson of Carol & Ralph Bauman
21st Cade, son of Jimmy & Dione Bailey
21st Gracie Joles, niece of Becky Dufresne
21st Jason, son of Jim & Ann Reisdorf
22nd Michael Jr., son of Carol & Mike Morgan
26th Jessica Clafin, daughter of Deb Schoonover
27th Stacy Jean Rohrer, daughter or Cecelia Skidmore
27th Eric, son of Gary & Kay Yanka, and brother of Stacy & Joe Kern
OCTOBER
14th
15th
15th
16th
17th
23rd
23rd
25th
Tommy, son of Carol & Tom Nace
Michael David, son of Marcia & David Preller
Hannah ZumMallen, daughter of Kim Pietruszewski
Joshua Moon, son of Jennifer Rothe & Steve Moon
Michael, son of Bonnie & Dan Boyum
Levi, son of Sue Ward
Tammy Marie Malcolm, daughter of Mary Lou O’Connor
Jim, son of Pat Harp
* Sincerest apologies to Paul and Kellee Wallace for unintentionally omitting their daughter, Katie Clapper’s birthday of 5/17 from
the last newsletter. Please let me know if I omit someone, spell a name wrong or give an incorrect date. I know the importance of
seeing our loved ones’ names and I try very hard to make sure no one is missed and everything is correct.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
AUGUST/SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2012
PAGE-3
“LOVE GIFTS” are tax-deductible
donations given in memory of our children,
siblings, grandchildren or other loved ones
by family, friends, or others who wish to
help with the work of the St. Paul Chapter.
We are a 501 (c) 3 nonprofit organization.
Your donations fund our chapter activities,
such as meeting supplies and featured speakers; Candle
Lighting and Balloon Release program; special events;
resources such as books, pamphlets and outreach materials
for the newly bereaved families; postage and printing for
newsletters and flyers, and more, and are our sole means of
support. We sincerely appreciate your generosity!
“Love Gifts” were given in loving memory by the
following:
- Mary Ann Pojar for her son, John
- Jason & Anne Cade for their son, Daniel
- Maxine Haglund-Blommer for her sons, James and Joshua
- Lois Nyman for her children, Sharon & Larry
- Rod & Laurie Ogard for their son, David
- Rosalyn Voigt for her son, Joseph Edmund Voigt
- Bob & Jeanne Walz for her their daughter, Kelly Jeanne
Thompson
- Charlene Danielson for her son, David
- Jerry Kressin for his daughter, Joann
- Janis & Mark Baird for their son, Robert
- Jan Navarro for her son, Phillip (through United Way
donation)
The following are donations made to help with the
work of our chapter for other reasons outside of family
members and are greatly appreciated and always
welcome:
2013 TCF NATIONAL CONFERENCE
The Compassionate Friends/USA is
pleased to announce that the 36th TCF
National Conference with the theme
“Beacon of Love – Rays of Hope” will
be held in American history-rich
Boston, MA from July 5-7, 2012.
You will be kept updated in upcoming
meetings and newsletters.
THANKFUL FOR OUR COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
Greg and I would like to thank those of you who attended
the memorial service or sent us condolences through email,
cards, phone calls, and memorials after the sudden and
unexpected death of our beloved son/stepson, Chris, who
was 39 years old when he died on June 2, 2012. It has been
a sorrowful time for us as we travel through a second grief
journey after the death of another child. We are thankful for
our Compassionate Friends who continue to be a source of
comfort to us during this difficult time. With gratitude for
your kindness, Cathy Seehuetter & family
We also would like to express our deepest sympathy to the
family of Sue Nelson, who died unexpectedly this past June.
Sue was a member of our chapter and attended several
meetings. She was the bereaved mother of son, Josh, and
bereaved grandmother of grandson, Bennett. She will be
missed by our chapter.
- The Twin Cities' North Suburban Grief Support Coalition
- Anonymous donations made in memory of Christopher
Seehuetter, son/stepson of Greg & Cathy Seehuetter
BIRTHDAY & REMEMBRANCE TABLE
If it is the birthday month of your child,
sibling, or grandchild (or someone who was
like a child to you such as a niece or nephew),
we invite you to come to our monthly meeting
and use the Birthday Table to display photos
or other mementos. We do this to celebrate
their lives and to share this special day with others who
understand how important it is for us to acknowledge the
day they were born. You can also bring a special treat or
even a birthday cake to share if you wish (if you don’t
regularly come to meetings, we would love to meet you and
honor your loved one).
Some of our members also like to bring a picture during the
monthly meeting of their remembrance day (our chapter
prefers “remembrance day” as an acknowledgment of the
day of their death), and you are more than welcome to do
that as well.
THE UNITED WAY
We are coming to that time of year where employers begin
asking their workers to renew their yearly donation to the
United Way. If your workplace does this, please consider
designating it to the St. Paul Chapter of The Compassionate
Friends. You must specify that it is for the St. Paul Chapter
or it will be sent elsewhere. Your donations are greatly
appreciated and help us keep our chapter going for those
who need us now and in the future. Please see “Love Gifts”
above for the many ways your contributions are used.
Thank you so much for your kind consideration!
“ONE SMALL STAR” NOW AVAILABLE ONLINE
By numerous requests, Dan Westmoreland has recorded,
“One Small Star”, which can be downloaded at his website,
http://songsofcompassionandhope.com/ for only 99 cents.
Those at the 2011 TCF National Conference in MN will
remember this beautiful song played at the Saturday Night
Candle Lighting. You can also find “Walking in the Light”
sung at the 2011 Walk to Remember; these songs are
perfect for events such as Chapter Candle Lightings & Walks.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
AUGUST/SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2012
PAGE-4
A SPECIAL MESSAGE TO OUR NEW
COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
If you are newly bereaved and have recently attended your
first Compassionate Friends meeting, you may have left
feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained; or you may
have felt a great sense of relief knowing that you found an
environment of support and understanding. Your reactions
may be varied. Each of us remembers how difficult it was
to walk through the meeting-room doors for the first time.
With the heavy load of grief that you are carrying, you may
feel that you cannot bear to hear about all the pain that is
shared at meetings. Consequently, you may have decided
not to return. We would like to let you know that these
feelings are common to all of our members, many of whom
resolved not to expose themselves to such anguish again,
but were drawn back by the knowledge that they were
among those who “know how you feel”. Please give us at
least three tries before you decide whether or not the
meetings are for you. You will find a network of caring and
support which will help you as you travel this journey of
grief and assuredly find hope along the way. We truly care
and want you to know that you need not walk alone.
OUR CHAPTER LIBRARY
If you have books, DVD’s, CD’s, or other resources that
you have read and felt were helpful, and you no longer
wish to keep them, please consider donating them to our
chapter library for our members use. We put a nameplate
inside the cover of each that says who donated it and who
it was donated in memory or in honor of. It is then
available for our members to check out; they too are then
able to reap the same benefits from them as you did.
If you have checked out resources from the library and
have not returned them after you were done with them,
please do so that others can benefit from them as well. It
is easy to forget that you still have something checked out.
If you are looking for something for yourself, TCF
recommends the Centering Corporation, a non-profit
organization dedicated to providing education and
resources for the bereaved. Centering was founded in 1977
by Joy and Dr. Marvin Johnson. They publish over 200
books for children and adults, My Friends Emotion Dolls, a
Memory Bag for children, DVDs and caring cards, plus over
400 books and resources from other publishers. They are
at each TCF national conference in the bookstore and can
be found on http://www.centering.org.
NEWSLETTER RENEWAL & PERMISSION FORMS
The yearly form for you to sign that tells us if you would
like to continue receiving the newsletter; giving us
permission to print your child/sibling/grandchild’s name on
page 3, and use their photo for the PowerPoint
presentation at the candle lighting in December will be
mailed shortly, so please watch for it. Thanks!
MARK YOUR CALENDAR!
It’s not too early to mark your calendars for TCF’s
most important event of the year, the
annual TCF Worldwide Candle Lighting
program. The program is always the
second Sunday of each December.
This year, our chapter’s candle
lighting remembrance program will be
on Sunday, December 9th @ 6:30
PM. Our program includes live music, readings,
lighting of remembrance candles for and a
PowerPoint presentation of our children, siblings and
grandchildren, and a gathering with refreshments
following the program. Further information will be in
the next edition of the newsletter.
THE END OF SUMMER BLUES
I always get a little sad when summer comes to an end. I
liked having my kids home during the summer, to be able
to sleep late, go swimming, camping or boating whenever
we had time. Some years my kids, especially the girls, got
excited when August came. They would get new school
supplies and new clothes. They would have new
classrooms, new subjects and new teachers. I usually felt
a little lost and left out at the beginning of the school year
after I dropped them off at school.
I like hot weather (I wasn’t disappointed this summer). In
autumn, the weather is still warm, the trees turn on their
fireworks, and the fall flowers are beautiful. However, fall
is a predecessor to bare trees and a flowerless landscape,
to say nothing of freezing weather and limited hours of
daylight.
Also, in the summer there are fewer commitments. People
vacation, take weekend trips and everything is just more
laid back. Fall means gearing back up to all those things
we let go during the summer.
Since our son Todd
died, I feel even sadder
when autumn hits. I
see the kids walking and
biking or being bussed
to school and miss
getting my kids ready.
Fall sports, beginning
meetings for Sunday
school, Boy and Girl Scouts are all reminders that my son
has died and my daughters are grown.
Fall is the start of the dying process, a process that those
of us who have lost children are much too familiar with. I
know spring will follow winter and the earth will come alive
again, but for now I have the end of summer blues.
~ Barb Seth, Editor
2005 TCF/Madison, WI Chapter newsletter
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
AUGUST/SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER2012
PAGE-5
FEELINGS ON LOSING
OUR CHILDREN'S PETS
When my son David died last
year at 19, he left us a
kitten, about 6 months old.
The kitten, whose name is
Buster, had been a birthday
gift to David 3 months
before from his girlfriend. We
had not been pleased about this. We already had a cat, age
19, and thought it would be too traumatic for her to have a
kitten around. So for three months we had been strongly
suggesting that the kitten go live with Beth until David
was out on his own. But somehow it never happened.
Then David died. Now I can't imagine life without
Buster. He is grown now, fat and sassy, still giving our
old cat, now 20, fits. But my very last memory of
David, as he went out the door that night, is of his
picking up that kitten and giving him a kiss on his back.
When I pet Buster now, or talk to him, or when he
snuggles up to me on the couch, it is a sweet feeling of
connection to my lost son. Losing him some day will be
another degree of losing David.
~ Anne Teddlie, Decatur, GA
David's mom
12/5/79 - 3/22/99
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ANGRY AT GOD?
A nun in a Catholic hospital, standing beside me as my
little 2 yr 9 mo old daughter lay gasping for breath
from the ravages of leukemia, stated in a
questioning voice, "But why are you crying? She is
ALREADY AN ANGEL!"
That hurt. But nuns don't lose their children, it is all
theoretical to them.
After my son's suicide, I told my minister I didn't know if I
could believe in God again, and he said, "That's all right,
we can hold down the fort for you." He understood how
hard it is.
~ Norma Grove, Tucson, AZ (four of Norma’s children died)
HOW TCF HELPS
At our TCF meeting last night our topic was on the clichés
of grief and the things that people say that hurt us. One of
the moms in our group spoke of someone saying to her,
"You must have done something terrible in your life to
deserve to have your son die!" Can you believe it? Well, of
course you can. We all have had these kinds of things said
to us, either in ignorance or they thought they were the
right things to say, but nonetheless they hurt just the
same. We have so much guilt anyway; we are plagued by
the "what ifs" and the "if onlys" and are most often our
own worst enemy. Because we are parents we feel that we
had failed our precious children as protectors...we were
suppose to keep them out of harms way. Only when
something like this happens -- our child or sibling or
grandchild dies -- do we come to realize that we have
absolutely no control over much of anything. And that lack
of control can be very frightening.
We learn life lessons that we never wanted to learn.
Because we are in TCF and are acquainted with those who
have lost more than one child or multiple family members
we know that lightning not only can strike
twice, but three or more times. If we have surviving
children and they are out for an evening we watch the
clock and count the minutes that they are late and
torment ourselves. It is almost as if we wait for the other
shoe to drop.
The "why's" we will never know; at least while we dwell on
this planet. When we join our lost children maybe we will
find the answer to our questions. Until then, we have our
family and friends and TCF and this wonderful Sharing
Line to remind each other that we are truly not alone. We
can pour out what is in our minds and hearts to each other
and know that others will be there with just the right
words or how-to-survive-the-worst-loss suggestions to
help pull us through. And that we will be there for them
as well. There is a saying that goes, "Grief can't be
hurried; but grief can be shared." Thank you all for
continuing to be there. Where would be without each
other?
~Cathy Seehuetter - TCF, St. Paul, MN
(Written in 2002 for TCF/Atlanta Sharing Line)
Editor’s Note: Our topic for September will be “The Clichés of
Grief”; we will be discussing such things as the word “closure” (see
article on page 7), things said to us that hurt like “When are you
getting over “it”, etc. We will also keep in mind that most often
things said to us are a reaction to their discomfort with death and
that are only mouthing something they thought they should say
without realizing the implications to our feelings. Nevertheless,
they were hurtful at the time we were most vulnerable.
SEPTEMBER AND A NEW SCHOOL YEAR
To Most People It Means
Kids out from underfoot, caps on
Buying a new lunch box, new clothes and the usual school
supplies
Fixing breakfast and trying to get them to eat it
Getting to the school bus on time.
What Does it Mean To a Parent Who Has Lost a Child?
Watching other children filled with excitement
A little boy who should be in kindergarten
A brother who must go off to school by himself
A teacher who must reach out to a class,
When her little one won’t be in school this year
A mother sending two children off, when there should be
three.
Many tears behind smiling faces.
~Patsy Hedges, TCF Fredrick
County, MD
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
AUGUST/SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2012
PAGE-6
BATTLING THE BACK TO SCHOOL BLUES WITHOUT MY SON
The loss of a child to death is overwhelming to all of us, but to me, being a suicide survivor is like living in an emotional
war zone. Events, holidays, and situations that seemed normal before James died now seem like yet another battle that
we have to conquer. It is a small victory when we can turn a negative, heart-breaking situation into something positive.
And so I try to conquer and overcome the Back-to-School blues. The suggestion of a Compassionate Friend at a recent
meeting, coupled with an article in the newspaper for a plea for book bags and supplies, helped me deal with some of my
sorrow at not being able to share in my son’s excitement of the upcoming new school year, nor shop for just the right
supplies. In the case of suicide, a parent often wonders what went wrong and how things could have been different. I
often seek a way for James to see that I have regrets and that I miss him so much, and since I could not help him in the
ways he needed, I can try to help others.
When I read that the Department of Family and Children Services needed book bags and supplies for the children in
foster care, it took a couple of days of pondering and wondering if this was something I could do in memory of James.
When my mother and I were shopping and discussing the difficulty of seeing all the flyers for back-to-school ads, we
came upon a store that had a great sale on organizer book bags and we just knew we had to help someone else. We
each chose a book bag in the color and style that James would have liked. One was all black, with zippered
compartments and storage pockets, and the other was red and black, the school colors of James’ high school.
The next day I went to another store and carefully chose items to pack in each of the book bags. I tried to
remember what was on James’ list for his freshman year at high school and chose what he would have liked
and needed. By concentrating on what the book bag needed, and not on the fact that James is no longer
physically with me, I was able to successfully complete this shopping trip. I was very pleased with all the
supplies and knew that two teenagers were going to be very lucky to receive their new, well-stuffed book
bag.
As I drove to DFACS, I remembered so many other back-to-school shopping excursions taken with James and our
many conversations about the upcoming school year. With those memories helping me to be strong, I signed the
donator list, noting that the book bags were supplied with items for a high school student. Walking out of that office
empty handed was much harder than the shopping and stuffing of the book bags. I hope James knows that out of the
tragedy he created in our lives, we are desperately trying to make positive things happen for other teenagers.
I am very grateful to the Compassionate Friend who told me that she also does this and I am grateful to my mother
for helping me to take the first step to have the strength to carry through with this deed. Although this does not
completely take away the pain and sorrow I suffer at being unable to prepare my child for another school year, I know
that somewhere out there I have touched the life of someone else’s child in a positive way. More battles lie ahead in this
war of grief, and armed with memories, I am challenged to encounter each one and make a difference somehow,
someway, in my son’s memory. James, I hope you know how much I miss you and how much I wish I could have helped
you.
~ Condensed from an article by Meg Avery, TCF/Lawrenceville, GA
CLOSURE – A MISNOMER
In the past few years, the non-bereaved seem to have won the battle, and it all came about as the result of someone
discovering there is a word in the dictionary called "closure." What battle, you say? Those of us who have suffered
the death of someone vital to our lives recognized the need for such a word. Not our word, surely, but
the need for the non-bereaved, for, as Shakespeare once said, "Everyone can master grief but he that
has it."
It's difficult to have a day go by that someone doesn't insinuate, with seeming great authority, that
those of us who grieve and can't seem to put it all behind us, simply haven't put their hearts into
achieving "closure." Bear in mind now, that's the same heart that has been broken, maybe many ties
over. Do these people who casually demand "closure" of us not realize that, like Humpty-Dumpty, "All
the king's horses and all the king's men" couldn't put all the pieces together again?
Some people have been fortunate enough not to know that particular pain, but maybe those of us who do know that
pain are more finely attuned to life's realities. The reality that says grief is not a simple set of stages, once accomplished,
each stage goes away. Instead, some particular stages may visit you time and again. There is some truth in the old
saying, "Time heals all wounds," but there is more truth in the simple knowledge that, with time, life does go on for those
who grieve. The reality is life's cadence is never the same, for grief has a tempo of its own.
Understanding that the ones who haven't a clue, as the modern saying goes, are really more comfortable believing
that closure is possible and that loss isn't really so bad. How can they know how it feels to have part of you amputated
without the benefit of anesthesia? If I didn't know how it feels, I too would wish for it not to be so bad and would shy
away from reality. My dictionary says closure is defined, in part, as "a finish; end." In the twenty years since my
son died I know now that closure is not possible. Instead, his death has become a part of the fiber of my life. It is more
accurate to say that I have learned to live with my loss more comfortably, but "finished; ended?" That's truly a
misnomer.
~ By Mary Cleckley
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
AUGUST/SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2012
PAGE-7
WORLD SUICIDE PREVENTION
DAY
SEPTEMBER 10, 2012
Light a candle near a window at 8 PM to
show your support for suicide prevention, to remember a
lost loved one, and for the survivors of suicide.
The International Association for Suicide Prevention
(www.iasp.info/wspd) collaborates with the World Health
Organization (WHO) and the World Federation for Mental
Health, to host World Suicide Prevention Day.
STEREOTYPES AND SUICIDE
One of my deep sources of pain and sadness is my inability
to vividly convey the essence of my son to those who did
not know him in life. His vitality, his vivacity, his talents
and charisma - not even two thousand words can come
close to portraying the exact quality of his brilliant
smile; his characteristics, his quirks, his uniqueness keep
evading my best efforts. Should I ever be able to find the
eloquence to capture him in words, I know the world would
stand still and grieve, for the loss IS monumental.
To have him blanketed by stereotypes and dismissed as a
suicide statistic, is one aspect of suicide survival I cannot
accept. His was not a disposable life. So, I brazenly speak
of my son’s suicide, to break down the wall of silence and
misunderstanding that surrounds this taboo subject. I
sadly understand those parents that will not admit publicly
the cause of death.
My first encounter with the public reaction to suicide
was three months after my son’s death. I attended my
first “bereavement support” meeting. It was a group for
bereaved parents. I entered that room and watched it fill
with about thirty persons. The meeting started, the
clockwise introduction began: “name, child’s name, date
of death, cause of death.” As I heard parent after parent
introduce their child and the many causes of loss, the
litany was chilling: drowning, cancer, murder, car
accidents, physical abnormalities, and finally more than
two thirds around the circle it was my turn - at the word
“suicide” the collective gasp that echoed in my ears will
never leave me. I physically felt alone in this room where
I had come to seek solace, understanding, help. Even in
my semi-comatose state of those first few months, I knew
I could find no identification and support within this group.
As time has passed, and I’ve regained some consciousness
- I am constantly tripping over the stereotypes that
envelop suicides. As I review my school’s “crisis” policy in
regard to suicide, the words “drug abuse, conduct problem,
problems with the law, broken homes” leap out of the
written page. As I read clinical studies regarding suicide
and suicidal behavior, the same words can be found. In
looking over prevention leaflets, the sentence “loving,
supportive families” leap out resounding with accusation.
In speaking with “professionals” I’ve heard their bias as
they speak in amazement of those in a social class they do
not easily identify with suicide. The director of “Family
Services,” in speaking of a recent suicide, actually said,
“He was a member of the tennis set, not one you would
think of as a likely suicide.” A religious friend finally
whispered to me how he saw suicide as cowardice. Our
churches and established religions nervously skirt around
the issue. I have never heard a sermon on suicide from the
pulpit.
At a recent conference of the Compassionate Friends, in
one of the sharing workshops, I encountered a mother
whose child died of a drug overdose. She came to the
suicide workshop wanting us, the suicide survivors, to
confirm for her that she did not belong there. I had met
others who were just as defensive and insistent--"my son’s
death of drug overdose was clearly an accident not a
suicide!!!"--and these very people would be shocked if I
told them how insensitive and hurtful their words are. Most
people want to be kind, they want to be understanding,
they want to be supportive. The actual reactions, however,
often fall short of these goals. I have come across the
"curiosity seekers," the "accident gapers," the fearful, the
"gregarious emotion" seekers and finally the defensive.
Death is a reality most do not care to deal with. Our
society has sanitized it as much as possible and removed it
from the home to the hospital and funeral parlor. The only
way to "Saran Wrap" suicide and render it "politically
correct" for a society skirmish about life issues, is either to
render it irrelevant or disposable.
So I find myself introducing my son to strangers with a
mini-resume. My 20-year-old son, Alexey, an extremely
intelligent, sensitive, talented, gifted young man, with
many friends and strong family ties, hanged himself. I am
not trying to be cruel in removing the security and luxury
of people to distance themselves and dispose of my son’s
act. I am convinced that until these stereotypes are
removed, the status quo will continue even when the
statistics scream for attention. There is something wrong,
very wrong, occurring. Until we can look at suicide clear
eyed, we will not be able to reach the understanding
necessary to lower its occurrence.
A wise Rabbi said, "A person cannot offer hospitality, if she
is not at home." So I speak out, so that our society can
finally feel at home with suicide and only then can it offer
hospitality. All people within a society are affected by the
stereotypes. No one is immune, not the professionals, not
the well intentioned, nor the well disposed. We, the suicide
survivors are left with the task to educate. Our loved ones
have made us "the experts," and if we don’t lead-how
will anyone ever follow?
~ Letizia Grasso
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
AUGUST/SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2012
PAGE-8
APPLE TREES AND MEMORIES
Remembering Our Chapter’s Siblings…
THROUGH THE HEART OF
GRIEF
Jim Dirr, a bereaved parent
and a surviving sibling, has
been involved in the sibling group
of the Tucker, Georgia, chapter of
TCF for years. He is a caring and
generous individual, and he understands the difference
between grieving the loss of a child and grieving the loss of
a sibling. He also has enough experience to
know what’s important in the bereavement process. Jim
says, ʺYou can go around grief; over it; or under it. You
can even choose to ignore it, but the only way to
successfully survive it is to go straight through it. The
question is: How does one go straight through it?
How do you face your grief and bravely suffer through it
and continue to live a positive life? You get up every day
and let the sun shine down on your head. Tell yourself that
you cannot change where you are now. You can only affect
the future. Internalize this and learn to live with it. Be
honest with yourself. Ask for help when you need it. Talk to
your parents or a friend or a counselor. Don’t be afraid to
cry. There’s no shame in grieving. Go straight through it.
There are times when you wish to ignore the grief.
When you sense the tears welling up in your eyes on the
way back to work after lunch, you try to force them back.
When you’re afraid you might ruin a happy moment for
your friends, you keep your sadness to yourself. When you
stop in front of a photograph and quickly try to refocus on
cleaning your desk, you’re attempting to go around grief.
Why not take a moment to look at your sibling and reflect?
Avoiding the intense emotions seems more practical
than crying at work or at school. Confusion is normal when
you’re battling with yourself for control. Not knowing what
is appropriate is normal. Forgetting your phone number is
normal. Worrying about forgetting your sibling is normal.
Wishing that the events of your sibling’s life had played out
differently is normal. Feeling isolated is normal, and being
unsure about your future is normal. Anything that seems
abnormal is now normal for you, as a newly bereaved
sibling.
Allow yourself to focus on your grief. Feel the
helplessness. Let it out. Write about it. Become absorbed in
your grief, but don’t let it consume you to the point that
you have no will. Keep getting out of bed. Let time work on
your grief by staying active.
Is there an opportunity to do something positive? You
could create a memory book or plant a memorial garden or
support a new cause in memory of your sibling.
We grieve as individuals, and there is no standard plan
for it. Do what you need to do to survive, but don’t deny
the presence of your grief. It’s a part of you
now. Ignoring it will not help. Your life will gradually
improve as you learn to acknowledge your grief without
letting it take control. You are a new you in a new
world. Your perception of the world has changed, and it
takes a long time to learn to live in a new world.
I stand beneath a sky of blue, the August sun warming my
back. Apple perfume is in the air and my grandchildren
can’t resist plucking the golden globes from my backyard
tree. It is one of those “firsts” that children of three and
five eagerly share with us older folks. We’re learning anew
that the best apples don’t come from a supermarket.
Apple juice drips to the grass beneath bare feet. Giggles
float skyward. I close my eyes, lost in the memory of my
mother transporting me and six siblings down a country
lane to the local orchard where we eagerly fill baskets, then
collect five cents for each bushel of handpicked apples. At
the end of the day, we’re rewarded with ice cream cones all
around.
Even at that young age, before I knew that life isn’t all
apple pie and ice cream, I was learning about change. The
orchard ritual meant summer was shutting down, autumn
was just around the corner, the school bell would ring, and
life would change—whether I liked it or not.
I can’t say that growing up with this knowledge of change
prepared me for that September day when my son died.
His death can never be anything less than an unacceptable
tragedy. Rather, I learned that the unexpected can and
does happen. And when something truly terrible happens,
we shut down like the end of summer vacation. I fear
there will be no more apples and ice cream for as long as I
live. There is no fun in being present for anymore “firsts”.
Fall has always been my favorite season. Now the calendar
is cluttered with remembrance dates. I resist the forward
movement from the days when he lived to the days after
death, as life goes on, but he does not. My life has forever
changed. My feelings about life and death have changed. I
have changed.
With each leaf that falls to the ground, I feel a loss so deep
that finally, I am empty like the barren trees. When he
died, I expected the empty feeling to last for the rest of my
life.
I had forgotten my childhood lesson.
Seasons
change. While I grieved, I watched six year’s worth of
seasons come and go. For me, there is no closure. I’m not
prepared to say good-bye to the past. But slowly, I’ve
begun to allow change to happen.
If there is anything that I can suggest to those who are the
“less seasoned” in grieving, it is to remain open to the
present. Be awake and aware as grief changes the way
you feel and who you are. Season’s change, and the
seasons of the heart can change. As I peer into the future,
I no longer see only emptiness. Sometimes I smile at
memories of seasons past. Sometimes I see blue skies and
apple trees.
~written by Carol Clum,
TCF/Medford, OR
~ By Scott Mastley, TCF, Atlanta, GA
Author: “Surviving A Sibling: Discovering Life After Loss”
www.survivingasibling.com
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
AUGUST/SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2012
PAGE-9
HALLOWEEN MAGIC
Halloween has always been a special
holiday time. I regret that our son
only had a one time experience at this
magical time of year. I remember
as though it were yesterday, the
wonder in his face, how he tried to eat
the candy through his mask, how he
said thank you without coaxing.
Then I think of all the parents whose
child never had the opportunity and I
am grateful for that one time. It's
hard watching all the other children
trick-or-treating and yet there is
something special about this season
that comforts me. As I watch the
trees around me, I am reminded that
there is a beauty even in their drying
leaves. There's a special aroma, a
breath-taking color scheme, and if you
listen, a rustling in the air. I
believe there is a message in fall. I
believe God wants us to know that
death is like a change of season, that
our children now know far more
beauty than we can ever imagine.
Like the tree that lives on through the
barren winter and comes alive again in
spring, our children are not gone.
THEY LIVE!
~Nancy Cassell, TCF Momnuth Co., NJ
FALL
Fall is a season of many feelings.
Autumn is here once again,
As it comes every year.
And with the leaves
My falling tears.This time of years is
the hardest of all.
My heart is still breaking.
Once again it is fall.
Memories once so vivid
Are seeming to fade.
My time spent with you
Seems some other age.
This season reminds me
Of grief and of pain
But yet teaches hope
And joy once again.
For the trees are still living
Beneath their grey bark,
And you, my sweet child,
Are alive in my heart!
October 15th
Pregnancy & Infant Loss
Remembrance Day
Oh precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to
come and join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now,
And listen to you giggle.
I’ll always be your mother
He’ll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.
But now you’re gone…but yet you’re
here
We sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There’s love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and
strong,
We’ll forget you never—
The child we had, but never had,
And yet, will have forever.
TEARS FOR TREATS
Red and golden leaves scattered on
the ground
Bright orange pumpkins, with faces oh
so round.
Just a reminder that Halloween is
neigh
And soon little tricksters will soon be
stopping by.
Faces painted funny, some an awful
fright!
As each cry out “Trick or Treat” on this
Halloween night.
Eyes brightly twinkling behind the
mask they wear
Oohing and awing at the candy fare.
As I gaze upon them I recall a time
before
When my own little trickster would
roam from door to door.
Such a joy filled time, he delighted in
the fun!
Picking out his costume, till he found
just the right one.
Carving out his pumpkin in eerie
design
Laughing and dancing, with fun on his
mind.
Little tricksters wonder why a tear
starts to flow
As I pass out the treats, but they just
don’t know.
I search for a face among them, from
a Halloween long ago.
So mommies and daddies I beg you
please
Hold tight to those memories, that you
share tonight
For you are truly blessed, to share in
their Halloween delight.
~Sheila Simmons, Steven’s Mom, TCF
Atlanta
~Author Unknown
www.irisremembers.com
Remembering our Chapter’s
Grandparents
on
NATIONAL GRANDPARENT’S DAY
September 9, 2012
~Cinda Schake, TCF/Butler, PA
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
Summer’s End
Always at summer’s end,
there comes that moment when
memory brings to me
gifts from the past.
I see your faces then,
glistening in the sun.
I hear your laughter then,
shared by the wind.
And in that glint of time
I feel you near again,
as you were, long ago,
at summer’s end
~Sascha Wagner
AUGUST/SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2012
PAGE-10
MUSINGS ON HALLOWEEN, PAST AND PRESENT
As I type this, the nip in the October air is a reminder that the major holidays are just around
the corner. Halloween paraphernalia has been in the stores since July with Christmas
decorations right behind them. For those of us who are bereaved parents, this means the
sooner the décor is on the store shelves, the longer we have the constant reminders that we
will be facing the holidays without our child present. Whether this is your first Halloween
following their death or years down the road, such as in my situation, the holiday season stirs
the emotions. For example, with Halloween, there could be the sorrow of no longer having to
find that perfect costume or witnessing the delight in your child's eyes as they head out the
door to trick-or-treat. If your child was an adult when they died, perhaps it is your old memories of Halloweens when
they were youngsters. And there are those whose children died before they ever had the opportunity to create
memories, the sadness that they were never able to experience even one holiday with that child.
Halloween can be particularly hard to get through. In the past, I always thought of it as innocuous enough; costume
parties, children excitedly dashing door-to-door looking for treats, pumpkin carving, and the occasional harmless prank.
However, after my daughter Nina died, I became acutely aware of things that I had never given a second thought. For
instance, my neighbor made their whole front yard into a graveyard scene of fake headstones with scary or silly epitaphs
on them, and terrifying creatures coming out of the earth. Before Nina died, I also found cemeteries "creepy", but now
look at them differently, even with a sort of reverence. I no longer have a problem going out to my daughter's gravesite, even in the middle of the night. I find the solitude of the historic countryside graveyard where she lays peaceful,
dignified and worthy of respect. I was hurt by what I felt was ridicule and distain for the final resting place of our loved
ones' physical bodies. In addition, some of the masks portrayed faces of death in a way that I found highly offensive,
especially since I knew many who lost their children to some of the means depicted. I perceived it as a mockery of the
tragedies that these families suffered.
Though I still don't pretend to understand the allure of the above-mentioned Halloween depictions, they aren't as painful
to me as they were the first few years after Nina died. Especially in the early grief years, we become hypersensitive to
our surroundings and more keenly aware of anything related to death. It is pretty hard to look past the non-bereaved
populations seeming nonchalance about something we take so personally. Though we wish there was more
understanding, we also know all too well that they cannot truly empathize unless they have walked in our shoes. It is
easy to forget that, before our children's deaths, we too may have shown the same indifference. We’d like to think that
we would not have been so callous because we now know firsthand how much this hurts those affected. However, before
we lost our "innocence", truth be told, we probably didn't give any of it much thought.
On this 10th Halloween without Nina, I do my best to ignore all the ghoulishness surrounding this time of year. If I do
find I am having difficulty, I try very hard to focus on positive memories of Halloween's past, such as her grade-school
costume party where our basement became a makeshift haunted house where blindfolded “witches” and “fairy
princesses” shrieked and giggled as they plunged their hands into bowls full of peeled grape "eyeballs" and wet macaroni
"brains", Or the photos I have of her in different costumes over the years, from Care Bear to Punk Rocker. Then there is
the photo taken of Nina on her last Halloween. No longer of trick-or-treat age, she stayed home to pass out the candy
and carved her own Jack-O-Lantern that she is pictured proudly along side, with her ever-present smile and that
wonderful twinkle in her brown eyes; such precious memories…
For those with a missing trick-or-treater this Halloween, the first holidays are the most difficult. Though I find they are
easier to bear as time marches on, there will always be the awareness that someone so loved is absent from the family
gatherings. Remember that this roller-coaster grief-ride brings different feelings with each passing year. It is important
to allow those feelings—whatever they may be--and let them happen. Try not to be waylaid by other's expectations of
you. Trust your instincts. Truly, only you know what is best for you.
With gentle thoughts,
Cathy Seehuetter
TCF/St. Paul, MN (written October 2005; revised 2012)
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
AUGUST/SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2012
PAGE-11
The Compassionate Friends/St. Paul Chapter
c/o Cathy Seehuetter
7884 Irish Avenue South
Cottage Grove, MN 55016-2072
PLEASE FORWARD
Butterflies, the symbol of new life and rebirth are fluttering all around me.
They circle my head, land on my arms and dance around my feet.
I’ve never seen so many butterflies…..never seen so many kinds.
Delicate wings…colors like sky and grass and the earth.
Their flight is a motion of freedom and calmness and is so beautiful to see.
Please let death be a butterfly with our loved ones
soaring in an existence that is too wonderful for us to comprehend! (Author unknown)
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