you need not walk alone. we are the compassionate friends.

Edition No. 642
7884 Irish Avenue S., Cottage Grove, MN 55016
February/March/April 2014
St. Paul Chapter E-mail address: [email protected]
TCF National Office, P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522 Phone # (toll free) 877.969.0010
The St. Paul Chapter
meets the 2nd Thursday of
each month at
Beaver Lake Lutheran
Church
2280 Stillwater Avenue;
Maplewood, Minnesota
7:00 PM – 9:00 PM
For chapter information call
Sandy at (763) 228-2393
NEW Chapter Website:
www.stpaulcompassionatefrien
ds.org
Chapter Facebook Page
www.facebook.com/TCFStPaul
MEETING TOPICS
(We discuss what’s on your mind;
not only the listed topic)
FEBRUARY 13: “Blindsided” –
Unexpected triggers when
grieving.
MARCH 13: "What to Do with
'If Only I Had'" - Dealing with
regret.
APRIL 10: Ask-It-Basket –
Anonymously drop a question
or thought in the basket and
we will discuss it as a group.
The
printing and
postage for
this edition of
the newsletter
was kindly
sponsored by
Bill & Barbara
Welke in
loving memory of their
daughter, Frances.
The Compassionate Friends, Inc. is a mutual assistance, self-help
organization offering friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved
families. Anyone who has experienced the death of a child of any age,
from any cause is welcome. Our meetings give parents an opportunity
to talk about their child and about their feelings as they go through
the grieving process. There is no religious affiliation. There are no
membership dues. The purpose of this support group is not to focus
on the cause of death or the age of the child, as it is to focus on being
a bereaved parent, along with the feelings and issues that evolve
around the death experience of a child.
The Mission of The Compassionate Friends: When a child dies, at
any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and
isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort,
hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a
daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others
better assist the grieving family.
TO OUR NEW MEMBERS
We recognize that it takes great courage to come to the first meeting,
whether you are a bereaved parent, sibling or grandparent of one
month or many years. You are welcome to bring a friend or relative
for moral support if you wish. You will find that it is all right to cry
and to laugh, to share how you feel or just listen. You do not have to
talk at a meeting if you don’t wish to. We welcome your participation,
but it is not a requirement.
TO OUR MEMBERS FURTHER DOWN THE “GRIEF ROAD”
Each meeting we have new parents, siblings and grandparents. THINK
BACK – what would it have been like for you at your first meeting if
there had not been any TCF “veterans” to welcome you, share your
grief, encourage you and tell you, “Your pain will not always be this
bad.” We welcome your presence and support!
INFORMATION REGARDING OUR MEETINGS
This is YOUR group and we are here to support each other. Our
meetings are open to bereaved parents, adult siblings, grandparents,
or adult family members such as aunts or uncles. We hope you will
find our meetings and newsletters to be a comfort, a place where
tears are allowed, no judgments are made, and, in time, that you can
once again find hope and meaning in life.
YOU NEED NOT WALK ALONE.
WE ARE THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS.
ST. PAUL CHAPTER INFORMATION
OTHER SUPPORT GROUPS
Steering Committee: Jan Navarro, Cori Claugherty, Kim
Pietruszewski, Cliff & Sandy Romberg, Carol & Ralph Bauman
& Cathy Seehuetter
Secretary/Refreshment Coordinator: Cori Claugherty
Treasurer: Greg Seehuetter
Co-Webmasters: Kim Pietruszewski & Cathy Seehuetter
Newsletter Editor: Cathy Seehuetter
Library: Carol Bauman
Special Events Coordinator: Kim Pietruszewski
Facilitators: Cliff Romberg & Cathy Seehuetter
Remembrance Cards: Colleen Hines
1st Contact: Sandy Romberg
New Member Outreach: Cori Claugherty
Sibling Contact: Alyssa Frank
Mailing/Folding Newsletters: Carol & Ralph Bauman
Chapter Leader/MN Regional Coordinator:
Cathy Seehuetter @ 651.459.9341
THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS NATIONAL OFFICE
TCF……………………………………..toll free: 1.877.969.0010
E-mail: [email protected]
National Website: www.compassionatefriends.org
We Need Not Walk Alone, TCF’s national magazine is now
available online! Go to www.compassionatefriends.org for
further information regarding receiving it online.
TELEPHONE FRIENDS
ACCIDENTAL/SUDDEN DEATH:
(Kim)……………………………………………………….507.351.4042
(Cori)................................................651.402.9482
ILLNESS (Jeanne)……………………………..………….…651.253.8634
ONLY CHILD (Kathy)………………………………….……651.426.2446
INFANT LOSS (Ben & Deanna)………………….……715.553.1152
CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS (Colleen)651.788.7885
SIBLING LOSS: (Alyssa)………………………………..651.528.6073
TODDLER LOSS: (Angela)………………………………970-568-6001
SUICIDE: (Cathy)……………………………………………651.459.9341
GRANDCHILD LOSS: (Carol & Ralph)……………651.739.7058
OCCUPATION-RELATED: (Sandy)……………….763.228-2393
STEPPARENT: (Cliff)………………………………………651.528.6073
DRUG-RELATED: (Anne)………………………………..651.328.4771
OTHER AREA TCF CHAPTERS
MINNEAPOLIS: Meets the 3rd Monday of every month at
Calvary Lutheran Church, 7520 Golden Valley Road in Golden
Valley. Contact Carol at 763.542.8528 for more
information.
APPLE VALLEY: Meets at 7:00 p.m. on the third Tuesday
of each month at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran Church,
12650 Johnny Cake Rd, Apple Valley. Call Susan at
651.683.9236 for further chapter information.
CONGRATULATIONS to the WEST CENTRAL
CHAPTER on 35 YEARS!!!
The West Central Minnesota Chapter of Willmar, MN is
celebrating its 35th year as the oldest chapter in
Minnesota, the 1st to be chartered in our state.
Congratulations to the West Central Chapter on 35
years of giving excellent support and loving care to the
bereaved families in the Willmar area.
SUICIDE
Survivors of Suicide ………………………………612.922.5830
Suicide Awareness/Voices of Education..952.946.7998
www.SAVE.org
Crisis Hotline……………………………………1.800.784.2433
INFANT LOSS
Infants Remembered In Silence, Inc. (IRIS)
112 Third St. NE
Faribault, MN 55021
(507) 334-4748
www.irisRemembers.com
STEERING COMMITTEE MEETINGS
The St. Paul Chapter enthusiastically
welcomes members who are
interested in helping with the work
of the chapter and its direction. If
you would like to find out more
information about joining the
Steering Committee, please call
Cathy at 651.459.9341 for the time
and date of our next steering committee meeting.
Articles printed in this newsletter are reflective of the
individual writers' views and not necessarily the opinion of
the Editor or TCF. As we each grieve differently, we will also
find different things to be helpful. Therefore, a variety of
views, articles and poems are included in each newsletter to
reach out to all of our readers.
In accordance with the Principles of The Compassionate
Friends, "We treat what is said at meetings as confidential
and what we learn about each other as privileged
information." In order to protect the privacy of our
members, our database, e-mail addresses, and mailing list is
used for TCF purposes only.
We have a sibling contact person (see this page for Alyssa's
phone number) but do not have a scheduled sibling meeting.
However, siblings age 16 and over are always welcome at
our regular meetings, as well as contact Alyssa.
We are unable to provide childcare during our meetings.
While we understand the difficulties of finding child care, we
respectfully ask that any children attending with you be old
enough to understand the meeting discussions. We request
that attendees be 16 years or older.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2014
PAGE-2
Our Children Remembered
LOVED…MISSED…REMEMBERED ON THEIR BIRTHDAY AND ALWAYS
3rd
3rd
11th
14th
16th
3rd
5th
7th
8th
11th
12th
14th
16th
3rd
4th
4th
9th
10th
12th
12th
12th
16th
17th
18th
Gracie Joles, niece of Becky Dufresne
Nick, son of Roxsanne Opse
Anika Troedsson, daughter of Stephanie Valberg
Sarah, daughter of Jay & Lisa Thorsland
Ann-Marie, daughter of Ronele & Jerry Janes
February
17th
26th
27th
27th
Cooper, son of Kris Aikens
Kathy Jo Whitehead, daughter of Mary Lou O’Connor
Noah Alexander, son of Sarah & John Jarman
Avery Minne, daughter of Marie LaBreche-Olson
March
Tyler, son of Sherri & John Hole
18th Jesse Frank, son/stepson of Sandy & Cliff Romberg,
Jeffrey David, son of Ken & Diane Olinger
brother of Alyssa Frank
Gregory, son of Julie & Don Larson
19th Nathan Montpetit-Hanzel, brother of Nina Montpetit
Brittany, daughter of Inge Black
21st Frances, daughter of Bill & Barbara Welke
Morgan, son of Kari Olson
25th Cheryl, daughter of Denise & Steve Bjerke
John Temujin Guckin, son of Alice Mae Guckin
27th John, brother of Kristy Schauer
Robert, son of Pete & Lee Meyerson, brother of Charlie
30th Kayla Hoffman, daughter of Kristy Schauer
Joey, son of Diane Nelson
30th Mary Roehrich, daughter of Eileen McCormick
April
Nic Manolovitz, nephew of Neli Frascone
23rd Michael, son of Wendy & Tom Langer, brother of Jim
Eric, son of Gary & Kay Yanka, and brother of Joe &
24th Adam, son of Mark & Linda Triplett, brother of Katrina
Stacy Kern
26th Jimmy, son of Jim & Cindy Sandberg
Lisa Noel Erickson, daughter of Dave & Terre Stevens
26th Audrey Hull, daughter of Harry Hull & Suzi Henrichs
Sharon, daughter of Lois Nyman
27th Noah Thomas, son of Angela Miller
Michael, Jr., son of Carol & Mike Morgan
28th Christine Flaherty, sister of Rick Monita
Zachary, son of Christopher Hoffer
28th Ross, son of Roger Kinetz
Adam, son of Josie Ehret
29th April, daughter of Lori & Bill Englund
Kellie, daughter of Sue Hanson
30th River Daniel, son of Ben & Deanne Wheeler
Marissa Marie, daughter of Nancy Bauer
30th Michelle, daughter of Chuck Winter
Brandon Quinn-Gomez, son of Teresa Quinn
30th Paul Michael, son of Mike & Sheryl Staack
Greg Rundell, son of Joanne Richardson
30th Anna, daughter of Pat Hurd, niece of Denise & Heather
IN OUR HEARTS AND OUR THOUGHTS ON THEIR REMEMBRANCE DAY
February
3rd
Brent, son of Nancy & Jim Hendrickson
23rd Anna, daughter of Pat Hurd, niece of Heather & Denise
9th
Lance Matthew, son of Scott & Rhonda Abell
24th Todd, son of Shirley & Don Terhell
th
11
Devin, son of Missy Aryal
25th Jeffrey, son of Mary Jo Erickson
th
14
Ann-Marie, daughter of Jerry & Ronele Janes
26th Timothy Keith, son of Ken & Diane Olinger
19th Liam Wiggins, grandson of Lynne Sullivan
27th Avery Minne, daughter of Marile LaBreche-Olson
19th Tyler, son of John & Sherri Hole
29th Kyle, son of Ken & Karen Hannemann, brother of
th
20
Robert, son of Lee & Pete Meyerson, brother of Charlie
Kristin Garrett
March
1st Ray, brother of Leigh Ann Ahmad
16th Joey, son of Diane Nelson
st
1
Anne, daughter of Ed Kraft
17th Kyle, son of Joan & Greg Joswiak, brother of Rose
st
1 …David, son of Laurie & Rodney Ogard
21st Shelly Buchanan, daughter of Carol Malek
nd
2
Noah Alexander, son of John & Sarah Jarman
24th Julia Ann Bartlett, daughter of Carol Konkle
3rd Gregory, son of Don & Julie Larson
25th Brandon Quinn-Gomez, son of Teresa Quinn
th
5
Jeffrey David, son of Diane & Ken Olinger
25th Sarah Bachman Busch, daughter of Randall Bachman
th
8
Kathy Jo Whitehead, daughter of Mary Lou O’Connor
26th Greg Rundell, son of Joanne Richardson
th
10
Sharon, daughter of Lois Nyman
26th Jami Agudelo, daughter of Pat Ossell
10th Kayla Hoffman, daughter of Kristy Schauer
28th Anika Troedsson, daughter of Stephanie Valberg
th
11
Patrick, son of Julie Niemi, brother of Allan & Joe
30th Jim, son of Anne & Tony Genia
th
15 …John Temujin Guckin & John Tyler Guckin, son &
grandson of Alice Mae Guckin
April
5th
Michelle, daughter of Chuck Winter
10th Becky, daughter of Cindy Novak
th
5
April, daughter of Lori & Bill Englund
14th Maren Linn, daughter of Jennifer & Jeff Kissell
5th
Renee Thompson, daughter of Linda Hurst
15th Erin, daughter of Colleen & David Hines
th
6
Lisa Noel Erickson, daughter of Terre & Dave Stevens 17th Nicholas, son of Becky & Tom Ogren
th
7
Elizabeth, daughter of Corrine Rockstad
18th Johnathon, son of Lyle & Kerrie Pohlen
(Continued on page 4)
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2014
PAGE-3
(Remembrance Dates - continued from page 3)
18th Casey, son of Gena Bailey
19th Jason, son of Kim Norbeck, brother of Holly
21st Audrey Hull, daughter of Harry Hull & Suzi Henrichs
27th Sgt. Lawrence Paulsen, son of Leona Eishen’
30th Frances, daughter of Barbara & Bill Welke
Sincerest apologies for omitting the following names
from the Remembrance page in the
November/December 2013/January 2014 edition of
the newsletter:
- Shelly Buchanan, daughter of Carol Malek, born on
January 17th.
- Germain Juliette Vigeant, daughter of Laurel Vigeant,
who died on January 27th.
“LOVE GIFTS” are tax-deductible
donations given in memory of our
children or other loved ones by family,
friends, or others who wish to help with
the work of the St. Paul Chapter. Our
chapter is self-supporting and
donations fund our chapter activities,
such as meeting supplies and featured speakers; annual
Candle Lighting and Balloon Release programs; special
events; resources such as books, pamphlets and outreach
materials for the newly bereaved families; postage and
printing for newsletters and flyers, meeting supplies, and
much more. Our chapter would not exist without your help.
Thank you very much to those who donated “Love Gifts”
and also to all who contribute to the free-will donation
basket at our meetings. We sincerely appreciate your
support!!!
“Love Gifts” were given in memory by the following:
- Gary & Kay Yanka for their son, Eric
- Mary Ann Pojar for her son, John
- Bob and Nancy Snow for their daughter, Allie
- Joe & Denise Kirby for their daughter, Nicole Mary
- Greg and Donna Land, Brent and Sherilyn for their son
and brother, Bobby
- Mike and Sheryl Staack for their son, Paul
- Anne & Jason Cade, for their son, Daniel Scott
- Julie & Don Larson for their son, Gregory Shawn
- Mary Jo Erickson for her son, Jeffrey
- Jackie Bandzak for her son, Derek Grabinski
- Jerry & Virginia Kressin for his daughter, Joann
- Glenn & Nancy Bauer for their daughter, Marissa
- Marcia & David Preller for their son, Michael
- Jim & Cindy Sandberg for their son, Jimmy
- Jeanne & Bob Walz for their daughter, Kelly Jeanne Thompson
- Carol & Tom Nace for their son, Tommy
- Corrine Rockstad for her daughter, Elizabeth Ann
- Mark & Linda Triplett & Katrina for their son and brother,
Adam
- Shane & Mavis Goldstein for their daughter, Aimee
- Laurel Vigeant for her daughter Germain Juliette
- Colleen & David Hines for their daughter, Erin
- Chuck & Donna Harstad for their son, Jeff
- Cheryl McColley for her son, Tony McColley
- Mardell & Richard Cavanaugh for their granddaughter,
Angela Klover
- Roxsanne Opse for her son, Nick
- Ronele & Jerry Janes for their daughter, Ann-Marie
- Eileen McCormick for her daughter, Mary McCormick
Roehrich
- Linda Bergan for her son, Derek & grandson, Layson
- Sue Ward for her son, Levi
- Carol Malek for her children, Jesse and Shelly Buchanan
- Harlan & Ellie Plumb for their granddaughter, Kristina
“Nina” Westmoreland
- John & Nancy Price for their son, Ian
- Lynne Sullivan for her grandson, Liam Wiggins
- Steve Wertz for his stepson, William “Bill” Achterling
- Lonnie Bohnen for her son, Brett
- Marlene Keyser for her son, John
- Shirley & Don Terhell for their son, Todd
- Bill & Barbara Welke for their daughter, Frances
- Tom & Laura Burback for their son, Thomas Noel Jr.
- Kathy & Al Lesnau for their son, Charlie
- Dan Westmoreland for his niece/goddaughter, Kristina
“Nina” Westmoreland
- Randall Bachman for his daughter, Sarah Bachman Busch
Donations were also made (without a donor’s name) for
David Riggs, Trevor Budd, Lauren Hanson, and Jim Genia
BIRTHDAY & REMEMBRANCE TABLE
If it is the birthday or remembrance
month of your child, sibling, or
grandchild (or someone who was
like a child to you, such as a niece
or nephew), we invite you to use
the Birthday & Remembrance Table
at our meetings to display photos
or other mementos. We do this to celebrate their lives and
to share this day with others who understand how
important it is for us to acknowledge these dates. You can
also bring a special treat or even a birthday cake to share if
you wish; even if you don’t regularly come to meetings,
please come and share your loved one with us.
SPONSORING A NEWSLETTER
Our chapter members have an opportunity to remember
their child, sibling, or grandchild by sponsoring the printing
and/or postage of an edition of our newsletter. With
increasing costs for postage and printing, the newsletter is
our chapter's largest expense (mailed 4 times a year), yet
one of our most important means of outreach and support
for our present and future members.
- Cost of printing the newsletter: approximately $175-$200
- Cost of postage: approximately $75-$125 (depending on
pages and weight of paper)
Your sponsorship will be acknowledged in the newsletter—
and you can add a photo (see front page of this
newsletter). To sponsor call Cathy at 651.459.9341 or
[email protected].
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2014
PAGE-4
WE TALK, WE LISTEN, WE SHARE, WE CARE, WE
UNDERSTAND
If you have attended a Compassionate Friends meeting,
you may have left feeling overwhelmed and emotionally
drained; or you may have felt a great sense of relief
knowing that you found an environment of support and
understanding. Your reactions may be varied. Each of us
remembers how difficult it was to walk through the
meeting-room doors for the
first time or maybe more.
With the heavy load of grief
that you are carrying, you may
feel that you cannot bear to
hear about all the pain that is
shared at meetings.
Consequently, you may have
decided not to return. We would like to let you know that
these feelings are common to all of our members, many of
whom resolved not to expose themselves to such anguish
again, but were drawn back by the knowledge that they
were among those who “know how you feel”. Please give
us at least three tries or more before you decide whether
or not the meetings are for you. You will find a network of
caring and support which will help you as you travel this
journey of grief and assuredly find hope along the way. We
truly care and want you to know that you need not walk
alone.
INTRO OF OUR CHAPTER’S VOLUNTEERS
Each newsletter edition, I would like to introduce a St. Paul
chapter volunteer. This edition, meet the kind lady who
lovingly makes the cards you receive on your loved ones’
birthday and remembrance day: Colleen Hines. Colleen
took over for long-time card sender/talented card-maker,
Kathy Lesnau, and has also done a marvelous job of
carefully crafting cards to let our members know that their
child, sibling, grandchild, niece or nephew is remembered
by our chapter on what can be difficult days. Our members
say when it feels like no one else has remembered their
loved one that our chapter does with the lovely, thoughtful
cards sent and made by Colleen. She does this in loving
memory of her and husband David’s precious daughter,
Erin. Colleen is also our chapter’s “telephone friend” for
those whose child died and had special needs, and a
second set of eyes to help me catch mistakes on page 3.
Thank you, Colleen, for your compassionate volunteerism!
NEWSLETTER RENEWAL & PERMISSION FORMS
VERY IMPORTANT! If you have not already done so,
PLEASE return the yearly form that tells us if you would
like to continue receiving the newsletter and giving us
permission to print your child/sibling/grandchild’s name on
page 3. It is very important that I receive your signed
permission or I will have to remove your name from the
mailing/e-mailing list. I never like to do that because I
think the newsletter is such an important resource and, for
many, the only support connection on their grief journey
with articles and poems written by bereaved families,
chapter and national TCF information, etc. If you need
another form. I can either mail it to you or send it to you
through email. If you have any questions you can call me
at 651.459.9341 or email at [email protected]
TCF 2014 National Conference
The Compassionate Friends is pleased to announce that
Chicago, Illinois, will be the site of the 37th TCF National
Conference on July 11-13, 2014. "Miles of Compassion
through The Winds of Hope" is the theme of this year's
event, which promises more of last year's great national
conference experience. The 2014 conference will be held at
the Hyatt Regency O'Hare in Rosemont, just minutes from
the airport. We'll keep you updated with details here, on
the national website as well as on our TCF/USA Facebook
Page and elsewhere as they become available. Plan to
come and be a part of this heartwarming experience.
SAVE THE DATE: TCF REGIONAL CONFERENCE IN
ROCHESTER, MINNESOTA!
Early registration for the conference will be $90.00 for
Adults, $40.00 for Children (9-17), and $40.00 for FullTime College Students. Online registration will be available
starting March 1.
We are excited to announce that there will be a TCF
regional conference in October 2-4, 2015 at the Kahler
Grand Hotel in Rochester, MN. Darwyn and Mary Tri,
co-leaders of the Rochester Chapter, and I will be co-chairs
for that special event! Though a year and a half away, it
will be here before we know it. We are already in the early
planning stages and have some phenomenal speakers
already lined up. Stayed tuned for more details as they
become known. We will need lots of volunteers in many
different areas to help, so please let us know if you would
like to help us ~ there will be many different opportunities
you can help make this a fabulous opportunity to the
parents, siblings and grandparents in our region.
The Hyatt Regency O'Hare, 9300 Bryn Mawr Ave.,
Rosemont, IL 60018, is now accepting reservations for
TCF's National Conference. Conference attendees are
receiving a discounted room rate. We anticipate a large
attendance for the conference, so we encourage you to
make your reservation as soon as it is convenient for you.
You can make reservations through the TCF national
website at www.compassionatefriends.org or by calling
the hotel directly at 888.421.1442 and please mention “The
Compassionate Friends” when reserving your room. Please
visit www.rosemont.com for information on local area
dining and activities. Hope to see you there; you won’t
want to miss this opportunity closer to home!
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2014
PAGE-5
NAME STONES
Since I met Jim & Sandy Crowley of Engravable Images
over a decade ago at a craft fair in Oakdale and held one of
their name stones in my hand and I ran my fingers over
Nina’s name engraved on it, I thought that others might
feel the same sensation that I did. It felt good to me to
hold that stone during the meetings, feel it warm in the
palm of my hand, and in many ways it calmed me. I knew
then that I wanted everyone in our chapter to have one to
hold at meetings. So I began ordering stones to keep at
our chapter meetings for anyone who would like a stone
with their precious ones’ name on it. I also liked the idea
that Nina’s name was visible each meeting as we always
take out our name stones to display on the sign-in table
and knew everyone would feel the same. We love to see
their names!
THE WOUNDED HEART
Children have preceded their parents in death for eons of
time. We are not first, nor will we be the last to enter the
realm of “Bereaved Parents”. But for now ~ right now ~ it
is OUR HEARTS that are freshly wounded and OUR HEARTS
in need of mending. Wounded hearts must be allowed to
mourn and lament their loss, to pour out their pain, agony,
sadness, hurt and anger, and to release their well of tears.
Wounded hearts need to be wrapped in quietness,
gentleness and compassion, away from the turmoil of daily
life. A wounded heart not allowed to mend from the depth
of its agony, will be an abscess ~ to swell and undermine ~
erupting at a distant time. Or, suppressed, it will slowly
choke the spirit of its host. Only the bearer will know when
his heart has healed. The wounded heart, encouraged and
given the time and freedom to mend, will carry in its
chambers the memory and shared love of a precious child.
Our chapter orders one for whoever wants a stone to keep
here at chapter meetings. Many have asked where they
could order one for themselves to keep at home. Here is
the address to order them from the Crowley’s, who have
been wonderful to our chapter for all these years.
To order you can either call them at 218-879-5772, or
email at [email protected]; or go to their website
at http://www.engravableimages.com/ or order by
mail at Engravable Images; 913 Granite St; Cloquet,
MN 55720. Please tell them you are a member of the St.
Paul Chapter of TCF and perhaps you could thank them for
the beautiful work they have done for our chapter over the
years : )
GRIEF
Grief: is sometimes silent, like
snowflakes falling on a dark
winter’s night… but never peaceful or
serene or pretty like the pure white
snow. When grief is silent, the tears
seem to turn to ice, like the snowflakes,
before they reach our eyes.
Grief: is sometimes raging, like a monstrous thunderstorm
with all its fury and lots of lightning striking our hearts at
every angle. When grief is raging, the tears come on
torrents, like the rain, and flood our soul.
Grief: whether it be silent or raging… Hurts.
~Nancy Green, TCF, Livonia, MI
VALENTINE'S DAY
(SEALED WITH A KISS)
Remember how we used to write to those we
loved the best?
Our letters we would fill with hopes and dreams
and seal them with a kiss.
To you our child, we write today - and wish we
could impart,
The hopes and dreams that once we had, now
crush our breaking hearts.
The thoughts of what we had planned for you
float through our wishful minds,
Then burst like bubbles in the air, while dreams
explode with time.
And yet we still have hope and still dream on,
and think of all we'll miss,
And wish with all our hearts we could write to
you, and seal it with a kiss.
The grief we have for you is like a weight upon
our chests,
There's no way we can ignore it - it never gives
us rest.
And no words could ever tell of our longings to
express,
to write a love letter to you, our child, and to
seal it with a kiss.
And if we had but one chance more to write to
you today,
The words would come with no regrets and we'd
like for them to say ...
"To love and to be loved by you, our child ... an
honor and so blest,
Our time on earth cut short, it's true ... But We
Sealed it With a Kiss."
~Faye McCord, TCF/ Jackson, MS Chapter
~Verne Smith, TCF, Ft. Worth, Texas
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2014
PAGE-6
LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY
By Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D.
"Why does it hurt so much? Why is this grief so incapacitating? If only the hurt weren’t so crushing." Sound familiar? All
of us have known hurts before, but none of our previous "ouches" can compare with the hurt we now feel. Nothing can
touch the pain of burying a child. Yet, most of us have discovered that the sun still comes up. We still have to function.
We did not die when our child did, even though we wished we could have. So…we are stuck with this pain, this grief, and
what do we do with it? Surely we can’t live like THIS forever!
There are no magic formulas for surviving grief. There are a few commonly recognized patterns for grief, but even those
are only guide-lines. What we do know is that the emptiness will never go away. It will become tolerable and livable…
some day.
TIME…the longest word in our grief. We used to measure TIME by the steps of our child…the first word, first tooth, first
date, first car…now we don’t have that measure anymore. All we have is TIME, and it only seems to make the hurt
worse. So what do we do? Give ourselves TIME…to hurt, to grieve, and to cry. TIME to choke, to scream. TIME to be
"crazy" and TIME to remember. Be nice to yourself! Don’t measure your progress against anyone else’s. Be your own
timekeeper.
Don’t push. Eventually you will find the hours and days of grief have turned to minutes and their moments… but don’t
expect them to go away. We will always hurt. You don’t get over grief…it only becomes tolerable and livable.
Change your focus a bit. Instead of dwelling on how much you lost – try thinking the good memories come over you as
easily as the awful ones do. We didn’t lose our child…HE/SHE DIED. We didn’t lose the love that flowed between us…it
still flows, but differently now.
Does it help to know that if we didn’t love so very much it would not hurt
so badly? Grief is the price we pay for love. And as much as it hurts, I’m
very, very glad I loved.
Don’t let death cast ugly shadows, but rather warm memories of loving
times you shared. Even though death comes, LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY
SUGGESTIONS FOR VALENTINE’S DAY WHEN GRIEVING A LOVED
ONE
Marty Tousley at Self-Healing Expressions suggests ways to honor and remember your lost loved on Valentine’s Day. Try
these methods of self-expression to keep your loved one close on this special day, if you don’t want to “let go” of the
memory:
Write, if that’s how you express yourself. Journal about your feelings, write a letter to your loved one, or write a

poem or story to remember your feelings and experiences.

Donate a book on coping with loss to your local library, with a special note inside to show it’s in memory of your
loved one.


Create a memorial by decorating and lighting a special candle, or light a virtual candle online.
Choose a Valentine’s card or gift that you wish your loved might have bought for you, and give it to yourself in
honor of them.
APRIL~SPRING
April is too early in Minnesota for most flowers to be planted. A hard frost is very possible into mid May, but I dig in the
dirt and get it ready When life dares to continue on despite our pain ---and wondering how it possibly can—digging and
pounding the soil does mean, at least on a subconscious level, that life does go on. I need to grow just as the flowers
surely will. I believe Mike would want nothing less of me. While I am waiting to plant we can enjoy the
hyacinths, daffodils, and tulips, which are blooming. And we can always buy flowers for the house for cheer.
We’ve had enough pain ~ we deserve it!
~ Darlene Nelson, TCF/South Central MN-New Ulm
“The heart hath its own memory, like the mind.
And in it are enshrined the precious keepsakes into which is
wrought the givers’ loving thoughts.” -H. W. Longfellow
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2014
PAGE-7
GRIEF: AN ACT OF LOVE
“I had a child who died.” How simple these words are,
yet how painful they are to say. The death of a child is the
harshest blow life has to offer; it destroys our trust in the
world at the most basic level. Grief is our total response to
the death of a child; our body, mind, emotions and spirit all
react to the loss. While many of us wish to stop the intense
grief work we are doing, we find it impossible for many
reasons.
First, grief is an act of love, not a lack of strength or
faith. The more we loved our child, the greater will be our
grief. The more integrated our lives were with the life of
our child, the more we will miss his or her very presence.
The intensity of our grief is often representative of the
intensity of our love.
Second, grief is a necessary process that we must go
through in order to maintain our wholeness and sanity. If
we do not grieve, we will not heal. One of the earliest and
hardest lessons we bereaved parents learn is that men and
women grieve differently. Women, in general, grieve more
openly than do men, and women on the whole, are more
comfortable verbally expressing their feelings of loss. While
segments of our culture dictate that it is more “manly” not
to cry, we know this is not true. In fact, it has recently
been found that tears of sadness contain an enzyme which
inhibits the concentration of gastric acids, therefore, crying
during times of stress will actually decrease the incidence
of gastric ulcers many of us develop as a result of our loss.
Grief work also helps us to complete unfinished
business with our child and close the past relationship that
we had. We will never “get over” the loss of our child, nor
would we ever really want to. We are who we are partly
because of our relationship to that child. Our lives will
always be influenced by our son or daughter, but most of
us will eventually learn to live a meaningful life, despite our
tragedy. Our child will always be with us in spirit and in
love and we often feel a need to hold on to tangible items,
such as toys or clothes, to maintain that feeling of
closeness. But, intense grief work allows us to let go of the
relationship we had and create a new relationship with our
child. Our remembrances, love and feelings of oneness with
our child can never be destroyed. I cannot see or touch my
Philip, but I vividly remember him. I have completed
earthly mothering, but I still have an intense mother-child
relationship with my son.
Grief over the death of a child is the hardest work that
most of us will ever do. While we all wish for the pain to
stop, we need to remember that we grieve intensely
because we loved intensely. It is unrealistic to expect the
grief to ever totally go away, because the love we have for
our child will never go away.
Our grief is an act of love and is
nothing for which
we should be ashamed.
~ Elaine Grier, Philip’s Mom,
TCF/Atlanta, GA chapter
“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop
death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries
it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our
memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.” ~
WHERE DOES THE SISTER COME IN?
My brother was killed.
He was murdered for no
reason at all.
My pain is so sharp, so close.
But they think I
shouldn’t be suffering
as much…
As much as his wife,
who grieves for her love
and her future.
As much as his son,
who will never know his daddy.
As much as his parents,
who have lost their only
son, their first born, their child.
I have lost my closest friend;
the man I admired most in my world;
the person I spent most of my free time with –only for the
company;
the person I played Yahtzee with until 2:00am, knowing
I’d beat him soon;
the boy I grew up with and followed around constantly;
the love that only a brother and sister can know;
the respect he had for me;
the talks and the personal jokes.
I have lost my brother.
It hurts just as much.
~ Bridgette Huard, Yakima, WA/TCF
NOT GUILT, REGRET
One of our basic responsibilities as parents is to keep
our children safe from harm. So, when anything happens to
them, we feel guilty whether we could realistically have
done anything or not. When the ultimate tragedy occurs,
we are devastated. How could we let it happen? Why didn’t
we stop it? If we have compounded our guilt with any
degree of human error of commission or omission, we are
beyond devastation. Even words, whether of anger or left
unspoken, haunts us. Guilt implies intent. If we intended to
harm our child, we can feel guilty about that. If we never
intended harm to ever, ever come to our child, the correct
name for emotion is regret. The crushing pain is still there,
but regret is softer, gentler, less judgmental, and easier to
forgive and to heal. It is also more accurate. If that name
doesn’t feel strong enough for our feelings, it will in time.
Let it float there and try it now and then. Not guilt – we
feel regret.
~ We Need Not Walk Alone, Summer Edition 2004
Author unknown
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2014
PAGE-8
THE MAGIC OF YOU
What can I do to get better? This is the
question most often asked by newly
bereaved parents, as if the right actions
could work a miracle. They are seeking
easy rules, methods or steps of healing.
But there are none. There are no special words, no
miraculous system, no magic wand to take the pain
away. There is only time, hard work, and compassionate
support. Grief is a process which must be allowed to
function thoroughly in order for healing to take place.
There are no short cuts; Attempts to ease the process
such as through alcohol or drugs often end either in
disaster or in complicating the grief process.
There is no magic. There is only you, the bereaved
person, who must decide yourself to work within the
process to resolve your grief.
No one else can do it for you but others can help by
supporting your grief rather than searching for magic
words to wish it away. Others can help within The
Compassionate Friends by providing models of healed
parents who are willing to listen and share.
You can help yourself by being patient with grief instead
of searching for easy methods. You can help yourself by
learning about the grief process. You can help yourself
by sharing your story with others and listening to their
stories. You can help yourself by reaching out to others,
for helping others is the source of your own healing.
Magic pills or incantations? There are none. Look to
yourself. The Compassionate Friends can help, but you
alone determine the progress of your grief. The magic of
healing is within you.
~ Marcia Alig, TCF Mercer Area, NJ
THE CHILD WHO WASN'T PERFECT
I cannot say, as I have heard other parents say, "My
child has always been a joy and a pleasure; never gave me
a minute's trouble." I cannot say that.
I had a son who was always trouble. He was born cross
and irritable, a real trial from the word "go." He seemed to
be in protest at having been born, from his very first
breath and outcry, through the rest of his life. His 37 years
of life were one outcry of protest, misery and unhappiness.
He expressed his tormented spirit through music,
poetry and a beautiful American Indian spirituality. But in
spite of the pain that was in is heart, he had a wide smile
and a hearty, big laugh that belied the torment that raged
inside him. He had a strange, mysterious wild charm, to
which all who met him fell victim.
He seemed to be born in the wrong time, the wrong
culture, with a crippled spirit, and a body that carried a
fatal flaw: addiction. He put himself and his
family through the agony of the damned. Step
by step he destroyed himself, as we watched
with grieving hearts. He rejected every effort
to save him.
Then came that fateful week. Some
mystery reached out for him. His body, his
spirit defied every weapon at science's
disposal to diagnose and save him-one by one
his vital functions failed—and he was GONE.
The word "forever" suddenly had a new and terrible
meaning.
So, he was hard to love. BUT WE LOVED HIM EVERY
STEP OF THE WAY.
We had him because we wanted him and we loved him
every minute of his life. Our grief has been no less because
he was not a perfect child. It has just been an extension of
the grief we lived with all those years, as we watched him
destroy himself; an extension of the agony that we were
helpless against--the "MONSTER" called addiction that
destroyed him.
Yesterday was his birthday. I longed for the sight and
sound of him, and that wild, melancholy charm that
vanished a year and a half ago. My heart stays full of tears,
they are always just beneath the surface. I struggle daily
to keep them out of sight of my fellow man, who does not
want to share my pain.
So I come home and sit on my porch in the dark, listen
to the rain or the night sounds and stare into space. And I
cry--and I cry--and I cry for my CHILD WHO WASN'T
PERFECT. ~Jane Miller, Lee’s Mom, TCF/Atlanta, GA
MARCH WINDS
He raced against the wind as if his very
life depended on it.
Eyes bright, cheeks glowing from the still
chilly March wind,
Throwing me a smile now and then to
make sure I was watching.
I was, and when I caught a smile I
applauded.
His effort so great for one small boy.
I don’t remember now if his kite ever flew
–
But I remember the day – the nip in the air –
his cheeks glowing – his fresh clean smell –
My afternoon of playing catch with smiles…
I remember every year when March winds begin to blow.
Even if he had not died long after the age of flying kites,
I would still remember.
Maybe if he were still here
teaching his own small boy the delicate art of flying kites
and catching his own smiles,
it wouldn’t hurt so much
when March winds begin to blow.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
~ From “Songs from the Edge” by Faye Harden
“If only” is the whip with which we lash ourselves.
If only I had not bought him a motorcycle…
If only I had not let her cross the street alone…
If only I had forbidden him to drive while he was
so tired…
If only I had not permitted the surgery…
If only I had not waited for the ambulance…
If only I had waited for trained personnel to
move her…
If only I were an all-knowing, all powerful God,
I would not have allowed my child to die.
But I am only human
~Theresa Hutchison, TCF Norman OK
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2014
PAGE-9
VALENTINE MESSAGE
I send this message to my child
Who no longer walks this plane,
A message filled with love
Yet also filled with pain.
My heart continues to skip a beat
When I ponder your early death
As I think of times we’ll never share
I must stop to catch my breath.
Valentine’s Day is for those who love
And for those who receive love, too
For a parent the perfect love in life
Is the love I’ve given you.
I’m thinking of you this day, my child,
With a sadness that is unspoken
As I mark another Valentine’s Day
With a heart that is forever broken.
~Annette Mennen Baldwin
In memory of my son, Todd Mennen
TCF, Katy, TX
CROCUS
In the front garden, close by the door,
Bloom golden crocus, they’ve been
there before.
When you were quite little, so young
and so small, We planted some
dozens one day in the fall.
They slept over the winter, there
under the snow, Then in the
springtime, bloomed with a glow.
You learned about flowers, how they
sleep and they grow, You loved so to
find them peeking out from the snow.
You had such a wonder, you loved life
so much! Do these early blossoms
remember your touch?
They’ll bloom there again, year after
year,
A small drop of sunshine, a small
golden tear.
~ Joan Schmidt, TCF/ Central Jersey
BORN STILL
PRAYER FOR SPRING
I carried you in hope,
the long nine months of
my term,
remembered that close hour when we
made you,
often felt you kick and move
as slowly you grew within me,
wondered what you would look like
when your wet head emerged,
girl or boy, and at what glad moment
I should hear your birth cry,
and I welcoming you
with all you needed of warmth and
food;
we had a home waiting for you.
After my strong laboring,
sweat cooled on my limbs,
my small cries merging with the
summer air,
you came. You did not cry.
You did not breathe.
We had not expected this;
it seems your birth had no meaning,
Or had you rejected us?
They will say that you did not live,
register you as stillborn.
but you lived for me all that time
in the dark chamber of my womb,
and when I think of you now,
perfect in your death,
I know that for me you are born still;
I shall carry you with me forever,
my child, you were always mine,
you are mine now.
Death and life are the same mysteries
~ Leonard Clark
I NEVER BELIEVED...
I never believed I would see another
season change with gladness. I never
believed I would see the world again
without the haze of tears. I never
expected to actually laugh again. I
never felt my smile would return and
feel natural on my face. I never hoped
for another day when I would not want
to die. I never envisioned a world that
could again be bright and full of
promise. I believed that all that had
passed from me the day he died and
went away, never to return.
Like Springtime, let me unfold
and grow fresh and new
from this cocoon of grief
that has been spun around me.
Help me face the harsh reality
of sunshine and renewed life
as my bones still creak from
the winter of my grief.
Life has dared to go on around me.
As I recover from the insult
of life’s continuance,
I readjust my focus to
include recovery and growth
as a possibility in my future.
Give me strength to break out of
the cocoon of my grief,
But may I never forget it as
the place where I grew my wings;
Becoming a new person
because of my loss.
~Janice Heil
Coquitlam, BC Canada
YES. GRANDPARENTS DO
GRIEVE!
Thank God, someone stepped up and
said, "Hey! This child was and is my
grandchild! And I hurt too!" Not
looking for sympathy, but wanting the
world to know that yes, the mother
and father are hurting from the loss of
their little angels, but Grandma and
Grandpa loved these children with
their hearts and souls. Totally
unconditionally! I read these letters
that are sent to me, every day.
My heart hurts for these parents for
the loss of their children. But, please,
let us not forget any of the
grandparents whose loss is twofold.
One for their child who is hurting so
badly and for the loss of their
grandchildren. I always thought my
grandchildren would outlive me. At
least that's the way it's supposed to
be. It doesn't always work out that
way. So yes, my heart also hurts for
the grandparents too.
~Wanda Bryant
TCF, Vidalia, GA
But I was wrong, and I know that in
the fullness of your grieving, you too
will come to understand that life goes
on...that
it
can
still
have
meaning...that even joy can touch
your life once more.
~ Don Hackett, TCF
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2014
PAGE-10
IN THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUR GRIEF
AT FIRST
Spring has fragile beginnings; a tiny shoot of green that emerges from the
cold earth, a hint of pastel against the brownish grass, a bud that awakens
with the morning sun. Sometimes spring comes so quietly we almost miss it,
but once it begins, it is impossible to ignore the daily growth and change. The
morning sun brings sounds that were not there before. The breeze carries
warmth that invites us to venture outside of ourselves. A promise is released
with the budding and blossoming surrounding us. Hope emerges for the
beginning of a new season; change is in the air.
At first
My very name was grief,
my eyes saw only grief,
my thoughts were grief.
and everything I touched
was turned to grief.
What we experience in the springtime of the year is what we experience in the
springtime of our grief. There begins to be a glowing radiance. The radiance is
not just around us; it is within us. A gradual warming of the heart silences the
chill of intense pain. The natural unfolding of the grief process moves gently
to remind us that we will survive. Life is changing and growth emerges
through the changes. The song of our hearts that seemed off key begins to
experience a harmonious blend of the past and the present. The songs of the
birds invite us to join them in a celebration of new life. In the springtime of
our grief, there can be a new song for us to sing. It will be a song we have
composed through the heartache of loss.
Optimism for a better day may awaken us one morning. Hearing laughter and
realizing that it is coming from ourselves gives us promise for today. Dreams
and hopes for a better tomorrow shine brightly with the morning sun.
Surviving the winter of our grief with the openness to embrace change is a
decision to embrace loss and integrate its impact into the fabric of our lives. It
can be a willingness to explore new possibilities that create a different
landscape to behold. We can make a decision that we will begin to appreciate
what we still have, not focus on what is missing.
We will know when we have made that decision. Something buds; something
opens. The harshness of winter is softened with new life and new growth. It is
not something we can force; it is something that unfolds when the time is
right. The springtime of grief arrives with no dramatic entrance, no flashing
lights. The stillness of the beauty unfolds and captures our attention. It is
happening around us, but it is also happening in us.
If spring has already crossed the path of your personal journey of grief,
rejoice! But if the chill of winter remains in your heart, be encouraged; spring
is on its way. Look for it, expect it, and it will be yours to experience around
you and in you! ~Judi Fisher, Cleveland, Ohio
This is the month for celebrating Easter and Passover, family holidays and
family gatherings. Again, as bereaved parents, especially if we are newly
bereaved parents, we pause and must make a decision as to how and if we
are going to proceed as we have in former years, before the death of our
children. For both holidays, there is the “children’s hour” so to speak. For
Easter, there have always been the Easter parade, Easter eggs, and the
Easter bunny. For Passover, there have been matzoh, the Seder with the
recitation of the Four Questions, and the participation of the youngest child.
So, again, what to do? Both Easter and Passover are holidays in which
children are strongly involved. To see that empty chair at the table, to know
that the missing child is no longer with us can be devastating, especially after
the first or second anniversary of the death. As with other holidays, there are
no pat answers, no magic formulas. If you can talk, talk about your child
during the holidays. At our home, we have made it a ritual to remember our
son at the beginning of the Passover Seder. Please handle these holidays any
way you can. There are no rules. DO IT YOUR WAY.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
Today you have become
a gift beyond grief,
a treasure to my world--though you have left my
world and me behind.
EASTER THOUGHT
One more winter overcome,
One more darkness turned to light.
Winter is the price for spring.
Struggle is the price for life.
Even in sorrow,
Remember to prepare your heart
For celebration –
Next spring perhaps.
Or the spring after that…
~written by Sascha (both above)
I REMEMBER ANOTHER SPRING
EASTER AND PASSOVER
~ Dave Ziv, TCF/ Bucksmont Chapter, PA
But now
I own the light of memories.
My eyes can see you,
and my thoughts can know you
for what you really are:
more than a young life lost,
more than a radiance
gone into night.
Each year when azaleas bloom,
I remember another spring.
That one wore a pall.
The rain would not stop.
It poured into the open grave of
my son.
It poured deep into my heart.
I was sure it would never stop.
It did, though I sometimes wished
it hadn’t.
I was stuck between forgetting and
remembering.
Remembering won.
Now I see his face in the azaleas.
They bloomed that spring while he
died.
I no longer hold it against them.
~ Fay Harden, TCF Atlanta, GA
FEBRUARY/MARCH/APRIL 2014
PAGE-11
The Compassionate Friends/St. Paul Chapter
c/o Cathy Seehuetter
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Cottage Grove, MN 55016-2072
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