Our Children Remembered - Compassionate Friends
Transcription
Our Children Remembered - Compassionate Friends
March 2013 Newsletter of the Katy, TX, Chapter Chapter Leaders Newsletter Editor Treasurer Melinda and Glen Ginter Annette Mennen Baldwin Lisa Leanard (281) 492-1262 (281) 578-9118 When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better assist the grieving family. ***March Meeting*** When: Tuesday, March 12, 2013 Where: Kingsland Baptist Church 6:30 PM – Doors Open If this is your first meeting, please arrive by 6:30 pm 7:00 PM—Meeting Begins 20555 Kingsland Blvd, Katy, TX 77450 John Burns Building, East side of church Program: Resources for the Bereaved; Small Group Meeting Directions: From East of Fry Road (coming from Houston): Go west on I-10 to Fry Road. Turn left (south) on Fry Road. Turn right (west) on Kingsland Blvd and travel 0.5 miles to Kingsland Baptist Church. From West of Mason Road (coming from San Antonio): Go east on I-10 to Westgreen Blvd. Turn right (south) on Westgreen Blvd and travel 0.6 miles to Kingsland Blvd. Turn left (east) on Kingsland Blvd and travel 0.5 miles to Kingsland Baptist Church. Our Children Remembered Birthdays March March March March March March March March March March 2 4 10 12 13 22 23 24 25 30 Fernando Isaiah Macias, son of Yolanda & Fernando Macias Laura Bear, daughter of Don Cagle Steven Edward Gilmore, son of Ted & Terri Gilmore Eric Ray Vigil, son of Jackie Vigil Steven Nickel, son of James & Bonnie Nickel Stephanie Anne Favorite, daughter of Malena & Ray Lopez Brian Heck, son of Debbie & George Heck Mark “Bo” Bean, Jr., son of Tedri Pyle Russell Knapp, son of Cathy Knapp Michael Robert Harris, son of Jamie & Kathy Harris Anniversaries March March March March March March March March March March March March 2001 2005 2005 2009 2007 2011 2003 2004 2010 2006 2009 1988 12 Years 8 Years 8 Years 4 Years 6 Years 2 Years 10 Years 9 Years 3 Years 7 Years 4 Years 25 Years Jonathan May, son of Doug & Laura May Roxanne Rene Rangel, daughter of Georgina Rangel Laura Eliska Swails, daughter of Markey Swails Amy Lynn Ellis Oliver, daughter of Diane Ellis Brittany LeeAnn Lewis, daughter of Lisa & Mike Atkinson Jared Matthew Sanchez, son Joseph & Melinda Sanchez Marissa Renee Sprowls, daughter of Cathy Miller Lisa Beth Wieder, daughter of Dan & Becky Wieder Marijo Colleen Smith, daughter of Denise Smith Teresa Alyss Johnson, son of Mark Johnson & Anna Apanel Brandon Alexander Boudoin, son of Wanda Boudoin Jamie Lynn Leasher, daughter of Brian & Joyce Dakin Page 2 March 2013 Welcome We extend a warm welcome to all who attended their first meeting in February: Don Cagle, whose daughter Laura Bear died in September 1999, and whose son, Mark Moellendorf died in July 2012. Joshua & Christina Connerton whose son Robbie Van Connerton died in February 2013. Quiana Ellis whose son, Zion Rashad Ellis, died in October 2007. Yvette Scott whose daughter, Latashia Ann Scott, died in November 2012. We need not walk alone. We are The Compassionate Friends. We reach out to each other with love, with understanding, and with hope. The children we mourn have died at all ages and from many different causes, but our love for them unites us. Your pain becomes my pain, just as your hope becomes my hope. We come together from all walks of life, from many different circumstances. We are a unique family because we represent many races, creeds, and relationships. We are young, and we are old. Some of us are far along in our grief, but others still feel a grief so fresh and so intensely painful that they feel helpless and see no hope. Some of us have found our faith to be a source of strength, while some of us are struggling to find answers. Some of us are angry, filled with guilt or in deep depression, while others radiate an inner peace. But whatever pain we bring to this gathering of The Compassionate Friends, it is pain we will share, just as we share with each other our love for the children who have died. We are all seeking and struggling to build a future for ourselves, but we are committed to building a future together. We reach out to each other in love to share the pain as well as the joy, share the anger as well as the peace, share the faith as well as the doubts, and help each other to grieve as well as to grow. We Need Not Walk Alone. We Are The Compassionate Friends. ~TCF Credo In Memory of our Beloved Children Memorials Given by: In Loving Memory of: Glen and Melinda Ginter Robin Conner Joyce Dakin John Robert Ginter Christopher & Dawn Wilson Kelly Brianne Leasher Jamie Lynn Leasher Thank you for your donation to The Compassionate Friends, Katy, TX Chapter Our chapter is operated entirely by volunteers dedicated to furthering the work of TCF. Your voluntary, tax deductible donations honor your loved one in a meaningful way by enabling us to print and mail this Newsletter and meet other expenses involved in reaching out to other grieving families. Donations along with the name of the person being honored may be sent to: Lisa Leanard 13814 Wheatbridge Drive Houston, TX 77041 Loving Listeners…..Phone-A-Friend TCF Katy has established a phone-a-friend list for parents who want to talk with someone who shares a similar loss. If you would like to volunteer to be a phone-a-friend, please contact Annette Baldwin. Loss of an Adult Child…..Annette (281) 578-9118 Only Child…...Annette (281) 578-9118 Murdered Child….. Robin (281) 851-5425 Death of Teenage Child……Joyce (281) 858-4551 or (281) 750 2259 Brenda (281)804-7087 Accidental Death……..Annette (281) 578-9118 Death from long term illness…...Karen (832) 746-0279 Support for Fathers……..Albert (832) 885-4741 Special Needs Child……. Volunteer needed Suicide ...………..Rhonda (832) 282-7773 Katy TCF Volunteers Welcome Cards to new members—Joyce Dakin Cards for remembrances—Robin Larsen Newsletter—Annette Mennen Baldwin [email protected] E-mail to group-Annette Mennen Baldwin— [email protected] Publicity & E-Mail correspondence—Annette Mennen Baldwin Picture Buttons—Annette Mennen Baldwin Contacting Newly Bereaved Parents—Joyce Dakin Holiday & Craft Projects—Joyce Bode Library— Jan Bigbee-Weesner Web Site— Lee Schurman Treasurer 2012—Lisa Leanard—[email protected] Snacks—Susan Archer – [email protected] Memorial Bench Maintenance—Delia Granado Chapter Leaders—Melinda & Glen Ginter Snacks Our snacks in February were brought by Robin Larsen, Sue Bhandari, Don Calge, Jeri McCall and Melinda Ginter. March snacks will be brought by Neela Sen, Annette Baldwin & Jeri Esmi. If you would like to bring snacks for one of our meetings, contact Susan Archer @ [email protected] Inner Loop Chapter Meeting The Inner Loop TCF Chapter holds meetings the 3rd Tuesday of each month at 7:00 pm at the First Unitarian Universalist Church, 5200 Fannin, Fireside Room. Doors open at 6:30 pm. The March meeting will be held on Tuesday, March 19, 2013. Meeting starts at 7:00. Newly bereaved meet at 6:30 pm and join the main group at 7:00 pm. The March topic is “Anxiety and Depression: A Normal Part of the Grieving Process”. Presenter will be Casey Radle, Career Counselor. Join Our Chapter EMail List Join our chapter e-mail list to receive timely notices, writings, articles, special information and more. National TCF Contact Information TCF National Office P.O. Box 3696 Oak Brook, IL 60522 Toll Free: (877) 969-0010 www.compassionatefriends. Page 3 March 2013 SPRING'S TEARS Birthday Table When the sun's sharp brilliance echoes in the luminescent blue A grim, oppressive darkness stabs my aching heart anew. Its golden glow upon my face, the warmth of winter's sun Holds the promise of renewal when the icy months are done. If your child’s birthday is in March, please bring a picture or memento to our March meeting to share with the group. In May and December we ask that you bring your child’s picture for the birthday table in the month following the actual event. We hold our balloon release in May and our Annual Candle Lighting Ceremony in December. It is this vow of nature's of resurgence in the spring That bows my head, and breaks my heart; unlocks my suffering. For you will miss again the beauty of this time of year The growing warmth, the sunny days when life will reappear. For nature has no power over death that holds you still, And though I know, I still resent spring's early daffodil. Oh, would that I could speak to Mother Nature face to face! To beg she work her magic on your lonely resting place. Why can't it be YOUR rebirth when the gray, cold days are done? Why mightn't YOU not live again to see spring's fresh new dawn and feel the warmth of sunshine relish in the greening earth… to open arms, embracing life why can't it be YOUR birth? You were so young, your life so new when death crept in the door, And in my grief, beloved child, I'll ask forever more The reason why the earth's renewed when spring comes 'round each year Yet in your grave you're silent still, and I condemned am here. Sally Migliaccio TCF Babylon, NY In Memory of Tracey Special Small Group Meetings For Parents Whose Child Was Lost to Suicide The Katy Chapter of TCF has a unique program for parents whose children died from suicide. All parents attend the opening of our meeting each month and then adjourn to their own private meeting for the remainder of the meeting. Death from suicide usually requires additional and unique group dynamics. This program is offered only to parents who have lost children to suicide. Articles & Poems For Our Newsletter Beautiful Dream ! Eyes open wide I awake from a beautiful dream Within seconds the painful reality of my life sets in I find myself wanting to scream Grief so strong Impossible to explain Living with a broken heart Struggling with the pain If you would like to submit a poem, a writing or a brief article (no more than 800-825 words) about your child or your grief journey for publication in our Katy Compassionate Friends newsletter, e-mail your work to Annette Mennen Baldwin at [email protected]. We encourage our members to share with us. Eyes closed tight I pray for that beautiful dream A short escape from the painful reality That makes me want to scream Robert Willis TCF, Frederick, MD March Meeting Offers Information & Gentle Group Meetings Our March meeting will be held on Tuesday, March 12, 2013, at the Kingsland Baptist Church. We will be discussing the upcoming National Conference, and we will be talking about resources that are provided locally. Following the opening portion of our meeting, we will break into small groups. The gentle and welcoming environment of our small groups is an important component on your grief journey. Whether you choose to speak or not, you will gain much insight from our small group meetings. There are, of course, rules that enable us to keep the meetings free from topics which aren’t relevant to our grief journeys as well as preventing any one person from dominating the discussion. You will find a warm welcome and gentle people at each of our small group discussions. We hope to see you at our March meeting. National TCF Contact Information TCF National Office P.O. Box 3696 Oak Brook, IL 60522 Toll Free: (877) 969-0010 www.compassionatefriends.org ! ! ! ! !T Printed in Loving Memory Of Todd M. Mennen ! 1967-2002 ! March 2013 Page 4 “Death. Where Is Thy Sting?” This famous quote from the poetry written in the seventeenth century by the ordained minister and metaphysical expert, John Donne, demonstrates the awesome power of the human spirit that transcends the passage of time. The Compassionate Friends has taught my husband and me the basic principle that “Love is the greatest of the qualities that separates certain beings from the rest of God’s creations.” We can easily confirm this by looking at the way our pets react to being caressed and praised because they curl up on the sofa next to us and delight in being with us. Where there is love and nurturing in a household, one can spot this immediately in the positive attitude of the people who live there. As an educator and mother, I always know which students are valued at home and recognize the signs of neglect in the others due to their obvious discomfort in class. Our dearly beloved and departed son, Robin Kumar Sen, was a truly remarkable young man with a great mind but a cruelly twisted body due to the acute physical disability that affected him. Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy is a strange and disfiguring malady that only affects boys because it is caused by a malfunction associated with the x chromosome. Apparently girls possess two x chromosomes but boys only have one, so that the n-trans governing the distribution of dystrophin, which is the molecule necessary for muscleregeneration in the body, do not work properly. This irregularity causes the muscles to deteriorate and eventually cease to function and brings about eventual death at an early age. Of course one is totally devastated at such a diagnosis from neurologists. When parents only have one issue, it is heartbreaking to discover that our dreams will never come to fruition for that little girl or boy. We experienced all the anger, pain, frustration and thwarted ambition that ensued but finally grudgingly accepted the inevitable with as much grace as we could muster for the sake of our dearest Robin. Where have you gone, my sweet and bonnie laddie? You are but sleeping in the hay like the shepherd tending his sheep on the bleak and lonely hill. Soon you will awaken once more and frolic with your nimble charges as they munch on the leaves of the meadows around them. You will keep the hungry wolves at bay and do your task so well that the farmer will definitely reward you well for your hard labor to safe keep his herds. What a wonderful occupation for a young up and coming farmer, tending herds and making sure that everything operates perfectly for the good of the overall farm. Responsibility, timeliness, brains, brawn and spot-on purpose are a winning combination for anyone who wants to be a success! It is a lasting memorial to Robin that he excelled at most things and was a credit to his family. Yes Robin, we will never forget you and your passing has left a gap that will not be filled neither in this life nor the next. We love you, we miss you and really wish you were still here on this earth with us. Surely you are not gone ,but will come back again and never leave us? Neela Sen In memory of my son, Robin Sen TCF, Katy, TX You don't heal from the loss of a loved one because time passes; You heal because of what you do with the time. ~Carol Crandall There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~ Author Unknown For some moments in life there are no words. ~David Selter, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved. ~ Iris Mudoch Choosing Hope Robert Frost once wrote, “You have freedom when you’re easy in your harness.” I believe I read that in junior high school. It had no real meaning to me at that time. But many years and many tears later, I have come to realize what Frost was referencing. I recently marked the tenth anniversary of the death of my only child, Todd Mennen. Ten years seems, perhaps to some, a milestone. But it’s not really. There are no “milestones” on this journey of grief after the death of our children. But we do change. We have no choice. We weep, we evolve, we change, we grow, we learn, we share, we ask for help, we give help, we reach out and finally we become someone different than we once were. That is the reality of this grief. Becoming easy in my harness was no small task, nor did it happen in magical stages with epiphanies proclaiming, “here is a milestone, a moment you can remember for the wisdom you found.” Wisdom doesn’t arrive with fanfare; wisdom ebbs slowly into one’s mind, forming an ever-changing perspective until, at last, we have come to accept our “harness.” Our harness is the death of our child. Once we accept this fact, we move forward into the light of hope and we begin to feel hope and a different type of freedom. Am I “easy in my harness?” Finally, I can say that I probably am most of the time. There are days when I find it chokingly restrictive and cruel in its pain. But these days are fewer as time passes. I have found a new kind of “freedom in my harness.” It isn’t the joyful freedom from the days before my child died, but it is a freedom nonetheless. My freedom is the light of hope that shines from deep within my soul as I now hold my child in my mind and heart. My child is with me in my harness as I continue on the balance of my life’s journey. For this mother, hope is knowing that death does not restrict me from my child’s life. Death changes only the plane of our relationship, for I am his mother and he is my son. We will love our children for all eternity. That is the freedom in our harness that comes with consciously choosing hope. Annette Mennen Baldwin In memory of my son, Todd Mennen TCF, Katy, TX Page 5 March 2013 Celebrating A Favorite Holiday St Patrick’s Day was a favorite holiday for my son Christopher. He always loved being Irish and celebrating the day. He would always put a green shirt on and have some Guinness beers with his friends. He was a very picky eater, but after making corned beef and cabbage every year since he was a child he eventually grew to like it. I remember when I had to go clean out his apartment after he was killed and how hard it was for me. I really did not know what to do with all his things. I let his fiancé Amy take whatever she wanted. I found a big book on Irish Castles and the beautiful landscape of Ireland. It was always my dream to take a trip to Ireland with my children and they all wanted to go. I look at that book a lot and wonder how many times Chris looked at it. Amy made sure at Chris’ wake that she and all her girlfriends wore green shirts, and also to the funeral. All his flowers, or most of them, were green at Amy’s request. She was sending him off in a true Irish fashion. I remember we all had a toast to Chris with Guinness. My Irish family was there along with many of Chris’ friends. Chris was buried in his Celtics shirt and khaki’s, which was his usual garb. This particular holiday was his favorite, and maybe that is why when I remarried it was on St. Patrick’s Day and we drank Guinness. Every anniversary I have will include happy memories of my son. Memories like these help us through the difficult times and lift us up. In Loving Memory of My Son, Christopher Wilson, 5/16/77-7/24/05 Written by Robin Conner, TCF, Katy, TX This Day This day This dreaded day Before highly anticipated, I wake up cataloging the others Wearing your first cake, Cookie cakes and steak dinners, Dalmatian cakes, skating, pancake breakfasts. Carloads of boys going to the park The last...family, and best friends, celebrating a milestone. "18" The world holds promise, the golden age of independence, future, and choice. We are so proud. A year later, we are in another world, one without you. Now, what do we do? We grieve the lost hope and possibilities. We ask, why? We make bouquets of festive flowers, and take green balloons to where you lay. Your precious sister and I sit on the ground arranging flowers and talking. Your friends join us. You are remembered. You are loved. We scream silently, wanting you back, and wondering how, and even why we are standing here, why you are gone. The world keeps turning, and we keep looking back, wishing. Daily, we miss you our darling boy. Happy Birthday, my baby. Charisse Smith TCF Tyler, TX An important way to cope with grief is having an outlet, be it interpersonal, be it artistic, that will allow you to not have to contain your grief, but will give you an opportunity to express it, to externalize it ~R. Benyamin Cirlin, Grief Counselor to some degree. Grief makes one hour ten ~William Shakespeare One Moment in Time As bereaved parents, we have a line of demarcation in our lives. This line is like no other. Other people define their lives by that one big career step, move or degree. But in other people’s lives, things are different. We are not like other people. We experienced a clearly defined moment in time when everything changed. The tectonic plates of our lives shifted at one moment on one date of one year. Nothing will ever be the same. We definitively mark the time before and after our child died. Life was different before our child died. It was easy; it was filled with promises of tomorrow, accomplishments, setbacks, goals set and achieved and happiness that abounds in the natural order of life. But our basic assumptions were shattered and our world turned inside out at that one moment in time when our child died. Can we ever feel as optimistic about life as we did before that moment in time? Will we ever again believe that one day we will feel balanced, optimistic and serene? We certainly can, and most parents certainly do. As you read the articles in this month’s newsletter about the journey through grief, consider the gentle optimism that presents itself in these parents’ words. Each of these parents has walked this lonely road. Each has come through the darkest, rockiest valley into a gauzy sort of light which gradually crystallized into a true sunshine as time moved forward. How did they do it? Insight is offered in these parents’ stories. We must do our grief work, face our demons and stand them down. We must talk with others, set limits on what we will tolerate, and hold our line. We must seek counseling, attend seminars, attend TCF meetings or other offerings that give us the support of parents who have lost a child or help us in acquiring skills to cope with our pain and loss. We must take grief breaks in the beginning and for the first year or two. We must take care of ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally. But most of all we must keep our child with us as we complete our life’s journey. How we choose to complete our journey is unique. The common denominator that all of us share is the need to find a precious flicker of hope which we can nurture and coax to a radiant glow. We all find it in different ways and at different times on our grief journey. But, rest assured, we all find it. I call it “my little light.” One day you will feel the burden lifting. You will laugh about things your child said or did. That moment will gently envelop you. There is hope. Let your little light flicker and then glow. In memory of my son, Todd Mennen Annette Mennen Baldwin TCF, Katy, TX March 2013 We Need Not Walk Alone, the Magazine of The Compassionate Friends is published quarterly for bereaved parents and professional grief counselors. This is a beautiful publication which has a full color picture of a different butterfly on the cover each quarter. The writings and information in the magazine are tailored specifically for bereaved parents and siblings. The cost is $20 per year. To subscribe, write or fax our national TCF office: The Compassionate Friends, Inc. P.O. Box 3696 Oak Brook IL 60522-3696 Phone: (630) 990-0010 Fax: (630) 990-0246 The Compassionate Friends Save the date: July 5-7, 2013 in Boston, MA Subscribe to TCF Magazine Katy Chapter P.O. Box 45 Barker TX 77413 The National Compassionate Friends Conference will be held in Boston, MA, this year. The dates are July 5-7, and early hotel reservations are highly recommended. The hotel requires a one night deposit for each room, but this refundable if cancelled within 72 hours of the first date of your reservation for the hotel. Although The Compassionate Friends has arranged a large room block for the conference, we recommend you reserve your room early if you wish to guarantee that you can stay at the host hotel as we believe the room block, although large, will be filled. The room block is available from June 29-July 11, subject to availability. Latest date to reserve rooms, if still available, will be June 11. Room charge is $129 per night plus tax. Rooms are available as follows: King--holds 3 (king plus rollaway); Queen--holds 2; Doubles hold 4. Rollaways are at no extra charge for the King rooms, but the hotel only has 100. Rollaways do not fit in the other rooms. You can now make reservations for the 36th TCF National Conference host hotel, the Boston Sheraton, 39 Dalton St., Boston MA 02199. Reservations can be made through the Online Reservation Form or by calling the hotel at 888-627-7054. TCF is always known for having great keynoters and many have been waiting anxiously to find out who they will hear speak at the conference. We now have that information! They are: Dr. Heidi Horsley, Dr. Gloria Horsley, founders of "Open to Hope" Foundation and Phil Horsley (Chair of TCF Foundation's Board of Trustees), a family united after the loss of sibling and son Scott, will combine to welcome you as Opening keynoters at the National Conference. Tina Chery who, after the murder of her son Louis, created the Louis D. Brown Peace Institute with a mission to create and support an environment where families can live in peace and unity. Ken Druck, bereaved parent, founder of the Jenna Druck Foundation, and one of the nation's pioneers in personal transformation including healing after loss. Bill Hancock, director of the Bowl Championship Series (college football), author of Riding with the Blue Moth, and father of Will, who was killed during the January 27, 2001 crash of an airplane carrying members of the Oklahoma State University men's basketball team. We hope many of our members plan to attend this year. Annette Baldwin will be attending her first National Conference this year, and she is looking forward to the seminars and the wonderful line up of guest speakers. We encourage our members, especially those who have never attended a national conference, to join Annette to participate in the activities and gain a new perspective on your grief. We Need Not Walk Alone The death of your child is probably the most traumatic, life-changing event that you will ever experience. The Compassionate Friends is an organization of parents who have also lost a child to death. Each of us has experienced the deep, searing pain that you are feeling now. Each of us has turned to other parents who were farther into their grief journey for guidance, support and understanding. This is done through our monthly meetings, our newsletter, our website, our phone-afriend program, our library, our e-mail program and our referral program. Each month parents find our meeting to be a safe place where they can talk about their pain and problems with others who are uniquely qualified to understand; bereaved parents offer gentle suggestions or often simply listen. We invite you to bring a friend to your first few meetings until you feel a level of comfort with the group. Do not be surprised if we talk about the happy times with our children, the wonderful memories and the various methods we have created to keep our children close to us. It is here that many bereaved parents find hope as those who are more seasoned in their grief shine the light of experience to help illuminate each grief path. We have no dues. We are self-sustaining through donations and the generosity of so many in our community. You Need Not Walk Alone. Return Service Requested Make Reservations Early for Compassionate Friends National Conference Mach 2013 Meeting Tuesday, March 12, 2013 Page 6
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