Monthly Support Group - First United Methodist Church of Green Bay

THE
COMPASSIONATE
FRIENDS
of Green Bay
A Bi-Monthly Newsletter
by and for Bereaved Parents
Supporting Family After a Child Dies
Our
Mission
Statement:
When a child dies, at
any age, the family suffers intense pain and
may feel hopeless and
isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal
comfort, hope, and support to every family
experiencing the death
of a son or a daughter, a
brother or a sister, or a
grandchild, and helps
others better assist the
grieving family.
January/February 2014
Another year come and gone!
Wow hard to believe it but we all survived and made it through another year, but we did or hopefully we did in our own minds. I can’t believe I am starting my third year as your Chapter Leader. Though
we don’t know what the new year will bring us, hopefully, it can’t be any worse than the year our children
passed away. I doubt anyone of us says on January 1 st, Well I know this is what is going to happen for
sure in the New Year. If we did, we certainly would have tried to change things so that our child would not
have died. Oh sure, we can predict some things like possibly starting a new job or career or purchasing
new car or home but all in all we can’t predict most things that will happen during the year.
We do know for sure that our local group will add new members for all the wrong reasons and that
our overall membership across the country will increase as children, grandchildren and siblings pass away
each day. Again unfortunately we can’t do anything about it and have no control over it. But if there is one
bright spot it is that these newly bereaved will find us and that we can give them some hope and comfort. I
was happy (but for all the wrong reasons though) to see that several new families found us during 2013
and hope they can continue to attend the meetings. And hopefully more families will find us so we can help
them in their grief journey. We want to show them that there is hope and over time their grief will get softer.
It never goes completely away as we all know all too well but for some of us the pain does lessen over
time.
Room registration for the National Conference in Chicago opened up on January 6 th. I hope we
can get a good turnout at the Chicago Conference since the 2015 conference is in Texas and the 2016
conference in Arizona. Our chapter sponsored the “Reflection Room” in Minneapolis in 2011 and we want
to do it again in Chicago. It was $750 and we already have $100 donated towards it. That room was awesome in Minneapolis and it would be great for us to do it again. The conference this year starts Friday, July
11th and runs through Sunday the 13th. So this year it does not interfere with the 4 th of July. As I have
mentioned before, I think you all owe it to yourselves to attend at least one National Conference. This one
is within easy driving distance so it should be easy to get there and back. You can talk to those who went
for the first time to Minneapolis and I am sure they will tell you it was well worth it. Dave and Donna Wilkinson have been to 3 of them that I know of and Mickey and I have gone to everyone since 2006.
Our current checking account balance is $384 so you can see, we need to raise funds either
through donations or an event or events to increase our account balance. If we don’t, we will either have to
stop mailing out the newsletter or stop mailing the cards you receive on your child’s birthday or the anniversary of their passing. With the cost of a first-class stamp increasing by 3 cents the end of January, our
costs will only keep going up. Our biggest expenses are postage and the printing of the newsletter. So if
you have any good fund-raising ideas, we would like to hear them from you. Plus if you ever want to be
involved with or join the steering committee, let one of the current committee members know. It never hurts
to have new blood and TCF National encourages it. A Chapter Leader should never serve more than 4 to
5 years so that the chapter gets new and fresh ideas and does not stagnate.
In wrapping up, I hope to see more of you at the meetings this year and for the newly bereaved to
consider coming when you feel ready for it. And don’t ever hesitate to call any of us as we are more than
happy to talk to you by phone or even email.
In Peaceful Sadness, Melissa and Emily’s Mom and Dad
Steve and Mickey
The Green Bay Chapter of The Compassionate Friends
meets the third Thursday of each month at 7 p.m.
at First United Methodist Church, 501 Howe Street, Green Bay.
(Enter the parking lot off Monroe at Doty)
For further information contact:
Main Number: 920-370-3858
Steve Schmeisser, Chapter Leader
Joleen Krings, Programs
Sonya Fenzl, Newsletter Editor
Email: [email protected]
Steve Schmeisser, Treasurer
Sue Van Straten, Remembering our Children
Mickey Schmeisser, Remembering our Children
Carol Wautlet, Resource Coordinator
Rev. Dave Wilkinson, Chaplain
Donna Wilkinson, Remembering our Children
Phyllis Calder, Remembering our Children
E-mail: [email protected]
Monthly Support Group
Thursday, January 16, 2014 7 p.m.
Beth Haasl, grief counselor with Blaney Funeral Home,
"Surviving the Dark Days of Winter".
Thursday, February 20, 2014 7 p.m.
Open Discussion: "Signs from Above." Sharing moments
when we have experienced the love of our children after they
are no longer physically present.
Wish You Were Here
You’d be nineteen if you were here
But why you’re gone still isn’t clear.
Your things are still all in your room
As if you’d be returning soon.
Spongebob waits there by the door.
Your shoes are still there on the floor.
Your friends are all young women now.
They’re working jobs or college bound.
Sometimes we see them and they say
We miss her so, wish she had stayed.
Your boyfriend’s in the Army too
And by the way, he still loves you.
You thought his love was not so true
And that some other girl he’d choose.
But near two years have passed on by
Still to your grave he goes to cry.
Your niece and nephews miss you too,
And talk of the things you used to do.
Your Mother’s going to be alright
And doesn’t cry so much at night.
She puts the flowers on your grave,
And scrapbook pictures tries to save.
And me, I’m still the same old Dad,
The same old routine like I had.
I work real hard to make a way
To pay some bills and pass the day.
I’m not as funny as before
My world’s not happy anymore.
I don’t let on the pain I feel
But deep inside the hurt is real.
Time passes by year after year,
Life goes on with seldom a tear.
One wish I have, a wish so clear
My wish most of all, I wish you were here.
~Dad
Steve Tutt
TCF Tyler, TX
The Process
Recently we faced the second anniversary of my son’s death. Quietly, at home, no friends, no phone calls, no
plans, just personal thoughts and reflections. That is how we chose to honor Todd Mennen on this saddest of days.
My husband said he woke up during the night; he had been dreaming about the accident and Todd’s death. I
slept throughout the night, but when I awoke in the morning I was still in that place between awake and asleep; I was “in
a dream”. Todd and I were having a conversation; it felt nice. I didn’t feel the usual jolt of reality when I awoke—the jolt
each of us feels when we awaken to remember our child is gone. The conversation was comforting.
We miss him so much. His laugh, his sincere, sparkling eyes will never grace us again. His deep concern about
others, his love of life, his gifts of analyzing, listening, gently suggesting….those have gone with him. In their place is a
deep void.
The process of grieving is a strange one. Each day is different. Throughout each day my child is in my mind…..in
the forefront or in the background….but in my mind. I shed tears unexpectedly, my voice breaks when I remember truly
special events in Todd’s life. Sometimes I get angry over little things. Sometimes I don’t react to anything. Sometimes I
seem normal to everyone, but it doesn’t matter.
Normal, of course, is what others want to see in me. What is normal for a mother whose only child is dead? Who
has that answer? Everyone has an opinion, but in truth, there is no normal, there is no answer.
And so, as we continue to travel this highway of life, our grief is in us and around us.
Sometimes our grief is all we have. Still we travel this empty road.
We understand. We’re all different, yet, we are all the same. Our child is dead. We are Compassionate Friends.
Annette Mennen Baldwin
In memory of my son, Todd Mennen
TCF, Katy, TX
The Roller Coaster
As a child I enjoyed the thrill of the roller coaster: gliding up the giant track, reaching the
top with a momentary anticipation and the thrill of the quick dropping roll to the bottom of the
track. The deep turns, first to the right and then to the left were designed to heighten the anticipation of the next climb and drop. In my childhood mind, these curves, climbs and drops were an
isolated experience, temporary and fun. The ride would end.
A few months after my son’s death, I dreamed of the roller coaster. But this time it wasn’t
fun. It was a nightmare of fear, anxiety and pain; I was so paralyzed that I couldn’t breathe. That
dream was the simple symbolism of life since my son died.
Now I ride a different sort of roller coaster. The climb to the top is a slow, difficult rise to
normalcy. The rapid descent to the bottom is yet another terrible setback. I hang onto the bar of
sanity on the curves, first one way, then another. I really want to stop this ride, but it is forever.
This ride won’t end.
Today I recalled that roller coaster dream, in all its vivid detail, and I compare it to the
roller coaster that is my life now. Are the highs lower and the lows higher? Are the curves softening? Yes, I believe they are. It’s been two years and two months since Todd died. I still weep.
Tiny tears still fall unexpectedly. I still have anxiety. I still feel as if the earth has dropped from
under me. I still miss talking with my son. I miss seeing him. I ache for that special hug that only
my child can give. Yes, I miss my only child very much. My heart has been shattered, my definition of myself has been altered and my loneliness is incomprehensible. But something has
changed on the roller coaster of this life.
That something is, of course, me. I work through my grief in many, many ways. I have
consciously shifted the paradigms of my life. I have learned to evaluate people from a different
perspective. I have become so sensitive to the pain of other parents that I feel it as if it were my
own. I have stopped anticipating how I will handle stressful events, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays. I have learned to live without being a part of my grandchildren’s lives. I have learned to
keep negative energy and negative people at a far distance. I have learned that a routine provides necessary structure. I have learned to live in the moment, to take joy in simple things, to
talk openly about my child’s life and to acknowledge the things I cannot change.
As time moves forward, I will continue to accept what is given and give what I can. I
know the roller coaster will level out eventually. For as long as I live, I will keep my child with me,
in my heart. That’s all I can do as I ride this changing roller coaster that is now my life.
Annette Mennen Baldwin
In memory of my son, Todd Mennen
TCF, Katy, TX
Accepting the Unacceptable
Reality Changes
"I will never be able to accept the death of my child."
Does that sound familiar? Have you said that? Not surprising. That is one, if not the most, difficult thing we
have to do to get to the other side of the long dark
tunnel of grief.
Last night I met with a group of subdivision board
members from another neighborhood to talk about the many
problems we all face in keeping our communities strong. One
of the board members had invited me after reading an article
in the newspaper about efforts I was making in our neighborhood.
We had normal conversations, questions and answers, suggestions, brainstorming. No posturing, no politics,
just sensible, kind people who sincerely care about their
neighborhood.
Only one of the board members had met my son and
knew him by name. In fact, he had only recently been told of
Todd’s death. As we were winding down, I told a story about
an event that had occurred about three months after my son
died. I was, of course, still in a state of shock at that time, and
the event included the response of several friends who seriously (and rightfully) were concerned for my safety and were
standing by my side immediately. I told this story to illustrate
a point about the types of communities we all want.
The other people set perfectly still and stared at me.
Then, I realized that for the first time since before my son was
killed, I had actually mentioned him as ancillary to the subject
at hand. I hadn’t cried, my voice hadn’t quavered, I didn’t
hang my head, dab my eyes or develop instant anxiety.
One of the women finally collected herself and said
she was so sorry. She remarked at how strong I was to continue on after the loss of my child. Strong? Me? No, I’m not
strong. Today is just a better day than most. Thank you for
your concern, but there really is nothing that anyone can say
to make it better. Each day is what it is.
I learned something last night. I learned that I have
worked very hard at healing. I have focused on my pain and
analyzed my loss every day for 3 years, 1 month and 1 week.
I have considered my moods, my anxieties, my anger and my
misery both privately and in the company of my compassionate friends. I have sought information that might better help
me move forward so that one day I might have a life that is
more evenly balanced. I have noted changes between last
year and this year, last month and this month, yesterday and
today. Some changes were positive, some changes were not
good.
I also realized that without the guidance and help of
The Compassionate Friends I would not be here today. I
would be in another place mentally-I would be living in a self
induced purgatory from which there would be no escape.
With the encouragement of those who had walked this road
longer than I and those who were just now beginning the journey, I kept moving forward. Because I demanded as much of
myself as I expected of my child when I was raising him, I had
become my own parent on this long, lonely road. Because I
heeded the warnings of my compassionate friends and listened to their gentle suggestions, I had made it through the
long days and nights without my child and kept my sanity.
I met the new me last night…...and it wasn’t half-bad.
I think I have found hope.
Annette Mennen Baldwin
In memory of my son, Todd Mennen
TCF, Katy, TX
What does "accept" mean? One parent told me he
would never accept his daughter's death, because he
said "accept" means to "agree, approve, to consent to,"
Obviously, in that context no one in their right mind
would "accept" their child's death. But there are other
meanings to "accept”:"believe to be true,"
"acknowledge." We do not like the sound of those
words either, but at some point, accept them, in order
to get on with our lives.
By stating we will not accept it, what is accomplished? ... Will it make it not true? If only it were that
simple. Then I would be 100% in favor of denial. But it
doesn't work that way. There are some things that cannot be changed, no matter how hard we may want
them to be.
One example: My husband had a heart attack a little
more than a year after Eric's death. He vehemently
denied he had had a heart attack. ... He continued on
with his HEAVY smoking. Then came his stroke. He is
now badly paralyzed on his left side. He cannot deny
his stroke. And he cannot go back, and accept his heart
attack, change his way of living and perhaps avert the
stroke. So what did his denial accomplish? It made
things worse.
So it is with us. Denial won't work. At some point in
time, we know it has happened. I realized for myself, it
was when I could say "Eric died." I could say the word
"dead." It took quite a long time. I could say "I lost a
son" but not "he died." One day it just came out. It
actually shocked and upset me. But afterwards, looking
back, I realized that was a big step for me. Not a happy
one, but it was one of my turning points.
All of the "stages" of grief that we go though are hard.
There is nothing easy about it. As Darcie Sims
said..."grief hurts." That almost seems like too mild a
statement. The feeling is impossible to put in words.
It's devastating!!
"Grief work" takes time and effort. I wish there was an
easier way for all of you. I can only give you the hope
and encouragement that you, too, can make it. Be kind
to and patient with yourself. God Bless!
Mary Ehmann
TCF Valley Forge, PA
In Memory of my son Eric
Remembering our Children
During the two months that each newsletter covers, we include your child’s birthday and the anniversary of your child’s
death — if we know those dates. Based upon TCF National policy, we will not print the year of your child’s birth or death.
BIRTHDAYS
Marisa Nelson 1/01
(daughter of Amy Nelson)
Doug Kwiatkowski 1/01
(son of Dave & Theresa Kwiatkowski)
Ben Garot 1/07
(son of Keith Garot)
Corey Calaway 1/14
(son of Paul & Nancy Calaway)
Debra Mier 1/15
(daughter of Anna & Frank Mier)
Travis Christenson 1/17
(son of Cheryl Oettinger)
Dustin Wilkinson 1/21
(son of Dave & Donna Wilkinson)
Justin Banaszynski 1/21
(son of Donna Baranczyk)
Jason Banaszynski 1/21
(son of Donna Baranczyk)
Brian LaViolette 1/23
(son of Doug & Renee LaViolette)
Ryan Tucker 1/24
(son of Dawn Tucker)
Joey Wesolowski 1/25
(son of Jennifer Heller)
Joseph Wesolowski 1/25
(son of John Wesolowski)
Shaun Davis 1/26
(son of Dan & Jeanne Davis)
Roberta Jean Glebke 1/26
(daughter of Joyce Glebke)
Austin Lindberg 1/28
(son of Todd & Sandy Lindberg)
Dylan Krings 1/28
(son of Jason & Joleen Krings)
Doug Kwiatkowski 1/30
(son of Dave & Theresa Kwiatkowski)
Amy Laedke 2/02
(daughter of Debra & Fred Laedtke)
Sharon McDaniel 2/02
(daughter of Jean LaHue)
Adam Federwitz 2/03
(son of Mary & Gary Federwitz)
Jeff Baenen 2/03
(son of Susan Otradovec)
Mike Smith 2/04
(son of Dave Smith)
Caitlin Van Duyse 2/06
(daughter of Brenda Van Duyse)
Maggie Pavlowski 2/08
(daughter of Michelle & Karl Pavlowski)
Julie Sarah Smits 2/10
(daughter of Jeane Smits)
Kelby Bagneski 2/12
(daughter of Bill & Kelly Bagneski)
Sam Compton 2/13
(son of Mark Compton and Todd & Sandra Scheffen)
Chad Kerscher 2/14
(son of Margy Konopacki)
Ryan Jozwiak 2/15
(son of Lenee & Eddie Jozwiak)
Katie Culhane 2/15
(daughter of Muffy & Kevin Culhane)
Ella Ficket 2/20
(daughter of Mindy Meisnest)
Nick Hietpas 2/23
(son of Bruce & Diane Hietpas)
Derek Ferch 2/24
(son of Jody Holmes)
Karen Mary Schley 2/27
(daughter of Jon & Ann Schley)
Lucas Shallow 2/27
(son of Robert Shallow)
Love gifts Were Recently Given By:
Mike and Joann Hopfensberger in memory of Shane.
Ken and Mary Gehm in memory of Jared
Mary and Gary Federwitz in memory of Adam
James and Roberta Charneski in memory of Stephen
Rev Dave and Donna Wilkinson in memory of Dustin
anniversaries
Eric Garsow 1/01
(son of Barb Peterson)
Maggie Pavlowski 1/01
(daughter of Michelle & Karl Pavlowski)
Matthew Daley 1/03
(son of Mary Daley)
Natalie Aitken 1/06
(daughter of Rachel & AJ Aitken)
Mark Shafer 1/10
(son of Bruce & Pat Shafer)
Chad Schaefer 1/11
(son of David & Miriam Schaefer)
Ben Garot 1/11
(son of Keith Garot)
Ian Seymour 1/12
(son of Diane and Paul Seymour)
Cameron James 1/13
(son of Linne Baenen)
Craig Kozloski 1/14
(son of Bobbie & David Kozloski)
Eddie Griffey 1/15
(son of Grace Griffey)
Robby Rohr 1/16
(son of Carol Wautlet)
Luke Linde 1/19
(son of Rita Linde)
Joshua Webster 1/21
(son of Julie Denny)
Matthew Murphy 1/21
(son of Kathleen Murphy)
John Charniak 1/24
(son of Maynard & Jeanette Charniak)
Heidi Lessmiller 1/26
(daughter of David Lessmiller)
Troy Jacques 1/26
(son of Sally Martin)
Maria Schumacher 1/26
(daughter of Karen & Phil Schumacher)
Julie Kinney 1/27
(daughter of Mary Schwake)
Matthew Arnold 1/31
(son of Bob & Carrie Arnold)
Mark Louis Starr 2/01
(son of Ruth (Patti) Schmidt)
Zander Varga Schenzel 2/02
(grandson of Nancy Varga)
Tara Kieff 2/03
(daughter of Michaelyn Kieff)
Steve Price 2/03
(son of Jennifer & Steve Price)
Chris Krueger 2/05
(son of Cheryl Krueger)
Dylan Krings 2/08
(son of Jason & Joleen Krings)
Karson Fenlon 2/09
(son of Jennifer Neshek)
Corey Calaway 2/09
(son of Paul & Nancy Calaway)
Allen O’Harrow 2/09
(son of Cal & Lois O’Harrow)
Jeff Baenen 2/12
(son of Susan Otradovec)
Chad Seitzer 2/13
(son of Sandi & Fred Seitzer)
Ella Cumicek 2/18
(daughter of Chris & Rhonda Cumicek)
Nathan Axelrod 2/19
(son of Johanna Axelrod)
Cooper Schroeder 2/25
(son of Mark & Georgia Schroeder)
Loren Hubert 2/26
(son of Debbie & Butch Vander Kinter)
Tim McCorison 2/27
(son of Bonnie McCorison)
Shane Hopfensperger 2/28
(son of Mike & Joann Hopfensperger
Michelle Schriver 2/29
(daughter of Annette Foster)
When you are sorrowful look again in your
heart, and you shall see that in truth you are
weeping for that which has been your delight. ~
From The Prophet
by Kahlil Gibran
ANNOUNCEMENTS, COMMENTS, & MISC.
SAVE THE DATE: The Compassionate Friends is pleased to announce that Chicago,
Iliinois, will be the site of the 37th TCF National Conference July 11-13, 2014. "Miles of
Compassion through The Winds of Hope" is the theme of next year's event,
which promises more of this year's great national conference experience. The 2014
conference will be held at the Hyatt Regency O'Hare in Rosemont, just minutes from
the airport. We'll keep you updated with details here, on the national website as well
as on our TCF/USA Facebook Page and elsewhere as they become available. Plan to
come and be a part of this heartwarming experience.
Volunteers are always needed for this very special conference. If you would like to
volunteer, please call the National Office at 877.969.0010.
A variety of sponsorships are available. For additional information, please
contact us at the above number.
The TCF Green Bay chapter
would like to sponsor the
Reflection Room as we did in
Minneapolis in 2011. It will
cost $750. We already have
a $100 donation earmarked
for the 2014 conference in
Chicago. If you wish to donate to the Reflection Room
please note it on your check
or the donation form.
No more Newsletters!!
The TCF Green Bay Treasury is running low. To save on costs we are trying to send out more
electronic newsletters. This may be the last newsletter that we stamp and mail. To ensure that
we have all of your email addresses please make sure to contact a member of the chapter!!
Help support the work of our Local Chapter with a tax-deductable gift!
The Compassionate Friends of Green Bay depends on the voluntary contributions of those who themselves have been helped by
TCF, as well as those who believe in our mission. Please consider supporting TCF-Green Bay in its work of providing support and
resources for families who have experienced the death of a child.
Name: ______________________________________________________
Address: ______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
In memory of: ____________________________________________________
TCF is a 501(c)(3) organization. All donations are tax deductable .
THE
COMPASSIONATE
FRIENDS
of Green Bay
Supporting Family After a Child Dies
PO Box 211
Green Bay, WI 54305
THE
COMPASSIONATE
FRIENDS
of Green Bay
Supporting Family After a Child Dies
PO Box 211
Green Bay, WI 54305
Our monthly
support group
meets next on:
Thursday,
January 16, 2014
at 7 p.m.
at First United
Methodist Church,
off Monroe at Doty.
Call 920-370-3858
for information.
We need not walk alone!
OTHER TCF CONTACT INFORMATION
The TCF of Kewaunee County Chapter meets at 7:00 p.m. on the third Tuesday of the month at the Casco branch of the
Bank of Luxemburg. (across from the Village Kitchen) Use west facing doors on the left. Call Dorothy Konop at 920-8638003 or Kathy Benes at 920-837-2869 for information.
Oneida, WI, has a chapter. They meet the 3rd Tuesday of each month from 6:30pm at Parish Hall – 2937 Freedom Road,
Oneida, WI. Contact Jean Williquette at 920-469-4135 for more information.
Oshkosh, WI has now reopened their chapter. They meet the 3rd Wednesday of each month at 6:00 pm at Galow Metal
Products, 2685 Universal St, Oshkosh, WI 54904-8939.
To contact the National Organization:
The Compassionate Friends, Inc.
P.O. Box 3696,
Oak Brook, Illinois 60522-3696
Phone Toll-free: 877-969-0010
Web site: www.compassionatefriends.org
To contact the TCF Regional Coordinator:
Jim Staniforth
4705 Eisenhower St.
Oregon, WI 53575
Phone: 608-835-7493
Resources for Siblings: The national organization of TCF has resources for siblings. Visit the online Sibling Resources Page at
www.compassionatefriends.org