Mr. Dooley on making a will and other necessary evils..

Transcription

—
—
BY THE
—
—
SAME AUTHOR
OBSERVATIONS BY MR. DOOLEY
" The satire is as pungent and mordant as ever.
Mr. Dooley's humour is irresistible, and there is often a
•serioiii pomt lurking close behind it.
Mis Observation -i,'
like his 'Philosophy' and 'Opinions,' will gain him an everincreasing circle of amused disciples." Daily Telegraph.
.
.
.
'
MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY
—
" From one severe ordeal he emerges with distinction he
bears re-reading.
He is in the main a wonderfully shrewd
critic of tendencies, movements, and national traits."
Spectator.
MR. DOOLEY'S OPINIONS
" For every new
'
Dooley Book,' as is this of
Mr.
all Dooley thankful."
Punch.
'
Dooley's Opinions,' we are
MR. DOOLEY SAYS
"As
and as genial as its
There is no philosophy so wholesome as that
predecessors.
Dooley."
The
of Mr.
Outlook.
witty, as wise, as trenchant,
LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN
21
Bedford Street, W.C.
Ex
C. K.
Libris
OGDEN
DOOLEY ON
MAKING A WILL
Mr.
And Other Necessary
Evils
LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN
T rp""
,
T-,-^-
SANTA BAIiBAlU
ru
*
'
CONTENTS
vi
On Golf
On "the Game
144
of Cards"
Ox THE Okange Revolution of
On
St. Patrick's
Day
159
1914
.
.
175
186
On Past Glories
198
On Crlminal Trlals
212
MR. DOOLEY
On Making
Other
a Will and
Necessary
Evils
MR.
DOOLEY
ON MAKING A WILL
"I NiVER made a will," said Mr. Dooley.
"I didn't want to give mesilf a headache
thinkin' iv something to put into it. A will
iv mine wud be a puny little thing annyhow
an' if anny wan thried to file it he'd be hble
to be locked
up
Besides,
coort.
f'r
I
contimpt iv
wuddn't
th'
like
Probate
to
cause
anny onseemly wrangles an' maybe lawsuits
among me heirs about who wud pay f'r th'
express wagon to carry th' estate to th' city
dump. An' annyhow I've alwa3^s thought
that
if
there's goin' to
tears at
me
th' heart,
be ayether cheers or
obsekees they shud spring fr'm
not fr'm mercinary motives.
If
anny fellow feels like cillybratin' me departure let him do it out iv his own pocket. Thin
I'll
know
he's sincere.
3
'Twud
grieve
me
if
ON MAKING A WILL
4
some wan broke into song at th' news a-n' a
sthranger was to ask: 'Is that wan iv his
inimies?' an' th' reply was, 'No,
it's
wan
iv his heirs.'
"So
f'r
made a
wan
reason or another I've niver
but
I'll
sidhrable spoort
f'r
will,
not deny
must be conthim that has th' manes
an' th' imagination to injye
iv
I
roekin' chair, an' I can't think
wud
annything that
with
me
I'm pretty
th' directions f'r
me
to set in
it.
whin th' lawyers
somebody else
sure I'd bust into tears
wrote down
it
out iv
injyeable a will
But that wud be because
it.
wuddn't go at
brighten th' wurruld
in th' right
it
must be
at
wan
To be
way.
an' th'
same
time a practical joke on th' heirs an' an advertisemint iv the
a
man
man that made it. Manny
niver has his
through his
will.
stalks
ing,
up
'I'll
th' first
th'
back
down through
show ye who's
time in
till
he has
it
Afther he's dead an' gone,
he shoves his hat on
an'
own way
me
life,
I'm goin' to be obeyed.'
iv his
head an'
th' house, say-
th' boss here.
now
F'r
that I'm dead,
No wondher
that
ON MAKING A WILL
manny meek
millyonaires comforts their de-
clinin'
years with this amusemint.
Hogan
says, th' last infirmary
minds.
It's
5
f 'r
It is as
their noble
a chance f r thim to tache
family their proper place, an' blow their
horns without havin' anny
wan
th'
own
interrupt
th' solo.
"I was readin' a
fine will th' other day.
made it, but I think
waUdn' up an' down th' lawyer's
I niver see th' lad that
iv him,
office
th'
as he dictated
chest
an'
whackin' himsilf on
it,
saying
'bedad'
afther ivry
went somethin' like this:
*I, Ephraim Sniwy, bein' iv a sound mind
no matther what may come out in coort
later, but ralizin' that th' repytation iv me
paragraph.
It
onparalleled succiss in business has spread
so far that I
do make
"'All
frind,
am hble to
me last
this
me money
th'
comp'ny, which I
follows:
to
I
Confidintyal
me
be called elsewhere,
will
an' testjrmint.
me
lave to
Chattel
command
faithful
Morgedge
to disburse as
devoted wife, Behnda
SnivA^, shall be paid th'
sum
Ann
iv four him-
ON MAKING A WILL
6
dhred dollars per annum, undher
in'
shall
shall niver
marry
that she shall wear a black veil
th' rest iv
it
That she
conditions:
again;
th' follow-
go to
her
me
life
in
me
honor;
f'r
that she
grave wanst a week an' dew
that she shall be sorry
with her tears;
that she often spoke to
me
way
th'
she did;
that she shall wear suspinded fr'm her neck
a photygraft iv me framed in rhinestones;
that she shall keep th' ile paintin' iv me in
th' parlor in
attind
good repair; that she shaU not
anny dance, bankit, theatyre, wake,
If she fails
or other frivolous intertainmint.
to complj^ with anny iv these conditions or
if amiy man undher th' age iv eighty is dis-
covered in her neighborhood, or
seen to laugh in public, I direct
to cut her off fr'm
out on th' VvTU'ruld
"'To me son
horse an' buggy
me bounty
f'r th'
she
me
is
an'
at that time he has
iver
exicutors
an' turn her
heartless fhrt she
Silas I lave th' use iv
two bags
he has arrived at th' age iv
cyation iv th'
if
is.
me
iv oats ontil
forty-five.
If
showed a proper appre-
tlirust, th' said
property shall
ON MAKING A WILL
7
pass to his ownership undher condition that
me name
on
th'
"'Me
vided
shall
appear in
letters
a foot high
dashboard.
son Ephraim I have pro-
sicond
f'r
already be
lettin'
him get
himsilf
a good job in a blacksmith shop.
"
'
Me son Elias, havin'
offinded
me be goin'
to a baseball game, I desire that he shall get
nawthin' fr'm
me
estate.
"'To me daughter
hunters,
Eliza I lave th' kitchen
In this age iv fortune
range in thrust.
a father cannot be too
careful,
hense I direct that she shall not marry ontil
she arrives at th' age iv
if
she sees
fit
young man who
loan comity iv
shall
shall
me
At that time
hand on a worthy
fifty.
to bestow her
be acciptible to th'
bank, I direct that she
be paid three dollars a week out iv her
mother's allowance, th' said fund to be
known
as
"Th' Gin'rous Eph Sniwy Foundation
f'r
Indygint Daughters."
"'To me
faithful frind an' nurse, Bedalia
who has sarved me devotedly f'r
twinty years, an' who is now too old f'r other
O'Brien,
ON MAKING A WILL
8
implymint, I lave
me
collection iv old
medi-
cine bottles.
"'To William Waldorf Astor
I lave
me
sthraw hat on condition that he changes his
name
to Sniwy.
"'To th' mayor iv Venice, Italy, I lave
two dollars to erect a monymint to me an'
alter th' name iv th' town to Sniwyville.
me splindid forme on'y frind, th*
"'Th' rest an' residoo iv
tmie I lave in thrust to
Confidintyal
Chattel
Morgedge bank, an''
acmnmylate ontil it
thim to let it
amomits to four millyon
direct
they
will
dollars.
This
sum
expind in erectin' a chimbley in
white marble an' goold on th'
Sniwy
glue
wurruks, said chimbley to be at laste thirty
feet higher tliin
anny
in th' neighborhood,
with an
sign,
which
electric
shall
constantly burnin' with th' motto:
he done
"Yes,
be kept
"Sniwy,
it."'
sir;
it
must be fun makin' a
Think
iv th' throuble
insults
ye can hurl at ye'er innimies.
thought 'twud be a
will.
ye can cause an' the
fine
way
I often
iv gettin'
aven
ON
with a
man
me had
an'
A WILL
JVIAKING
9
Supposin'
I didn't like.
Hogan
a quarrul an' I didn't have time
to write a frindly biography about him, or
was
afraid I
might go
Nawthin'
first.
be nater thin to put him in me
cancel
all
me
bequests to
Hogan on account
will.
frind
'
I
wud
hereby
Terrence
bad habits.'
*'I bet he'd be sorry I was gone.
he'd wish he cud have me back again
iv his
How
f'r
a
while.
"I niver see anny wan that enthred into
th' spirit iv makhi' a will so thurly as our
ol'
frind
I did.
Dochney.
I liked
ple an' sincere.
Ye
didn't like him, but
him because he was
that spind ye'er lives pilin'
good
will an' affiction an'
science
f'r
up great
stores iv
a comfortable con-
ye'er old age don't apprecyate a
spindthrift
these things
sure,
so sim-
Prudent fellows like ye'ersilf,
like
Doclmey,
away
who threw
in th' pursuit iv his plea-
which was makin' money.
he was a bad man, but I
single-minded, innocint
harmed anny wan
all
excipt
ol'
f'r
Ye
thought
knew him
who
la'ad
f'r
a
niver
gain an' was in-
10
ON MAKING A WILL
capable
iv
To
falsehood
who
home
those
life
at
see
or
mayVe seemed
iv
outside
him in
among
th'
business.
rough battle iv
he
his neighbors,
we who knew him
bank among his
hard, but
in th' quiet seclusyon iv th'
found another Dochney, a cheer-
recreations,
ful soul,
who always had a
wrote Httle verses to
promissory notes
th'
an' cudden't keep his feet
smile on his face,
still
whin
th' goold
on th' counter. If Dochney
had wan fault it was he was too sintimental
about money. Men like ye ar-re th' ra-ally
rapacyous wans. Ye have nawiihin' but
Ye don't want to give it
desire f'r money.
coin clatthered
a
home
an' take care iv
had a tender
his eyes as
he watched
so attached to
it
away fr'm him.
Iv'ry dollar he
wint out an'
if
it
thin
a
little
cross about
it.
it
But Dochney
Tears come to
grow.
He become
wan cud pry it
An' money reciprocated.
that no
had wurruked
f'r
him.
It
decoyed another dollar an'
come back
aven
it.
feelin' f'r it.
ladin' nawthin'
chickenfeed
He wud
more
Dochney wasn't
pat a nickel on
th'
U
ON MAKING A WILL
back an' say: 'Ye're small now, but with a
little
incouragemint we'll
pin' dollar out iv
"Dochney
th'
ye
lived to
make a
big sthrap-
yet.'
an old age, because as
pote says, 'There's nawthin' like avarice
man young.' Th' Spanyards knew
whin they sarched f'r th' fountain iv
perpetchool youth. They'd heerd th' Indyans had money. Annyhow, Dochney's
cheeks wore th' bloom iv usury long afther
to keep a
that,
manny
But
philanthropists are-re lookin' pale.
th'
time come whin somethin' in
eyes iv his financial frinds told
betther not to go
th'
him 'twud be
downtown again unarmed,
planted his money th'
He
an' he retired.
way they do eyesthers an' let it breed, sindin' down wanst a week to haul out enough
to sustain
life
an' puttin' th' rest
back
in.
again.
" But this
was no hf e f'r wan that had been
an eyesther pirate in his day, an' Dochney
begun to pine. I thried to amuse him. I
had th' congressman sind him iv'ry day
th'
new currency
biU; I cut out th' repoorts
ON MAKING A WILL
12
wanst a week iv th' bankruptcys in
United States an' Canady an' wurruked
th*
th'
cash registher f r him be th' hour, because
he hked
But nawthin' did
Dock O'Leary advised
will.
Th' Dock says he
th' old refrain.
hini
anny good
him
to
ontil
alter his
always thries this prescription on aged millyonaires afther th' oxygen
Dochney come
in'
fails.
Wan morn-
in lookin' as cheerful as
an advertisemint iv a breakfast food an*
his key ring in his pocket, f'r he
niver carrid anny thing else to jingle, but
jinglin'
made a
practice iv exthractm' car fare out
iv th' gran'childern's
bank with a penknife
ivry mornin'.
me
"'Ye're lookin' well,
said
I.
filUn' his
'It's
pocket fr'm
been with
me
feelin'
me
well I
ol'
buccaneer/
am,' says he,
th' cheese bowl.
lawyer
all
'
I've
mornin' revisin'
good many
ol' frinds.
Ye haven't a middle inityal to
ye'er name, have ye ?
Give me a glass iv
sas-prilly,' he says.
Well, sir; though I knew
will.
I find I've left out a
'
th' crafty ol'
pirate,
*
th'
thought suddenly
ON MAKING A WILL
13
me head that maybe his heart or his
had
softened an' he'd put me in th' will.
brain
In that fatal sicond I bought two autymobills; a yacht, an' a goold watch an' chain
an' shook me ol' frinds, an' whin I come to
lept into
me
sinses he'd
gone an' hadn't settled
f'r th'
sas-prilly.
"Well, th' fun he had afther that.
day long he wint around makin'
quiries
All
delicate in-
about people's circumstances an' in
momin' he was downtown puttin' somenew in his will. He hadn't been a
popylar man. He had cashed in th' afficth'
thing
tions iv his neighbors arly in
An' preju-
life.
dices ar-re hard to overcome.
But
grajaly
—that to say, within a week or ten days
—people begun to see that a gr-reat injustice
is
had been done to him. He didn't say annythin' about a will.
But he had a way iv
askin' people did they spell their
name with
down in a
an aitch or a zee an' puttin' it
notebook that was very consoling. His rilitives begun to show a gr-reat inthrest in
him an' some iv thim come fr'm as far as
ON MAKING A WILL
14
San Francisco to cheer his dechnin' years an'
form vigilance committees to protect him
fr'm fortune hunters. He was niver alone,
but always had th' most agreeable s'ciety.
'Twas 'Uncle, that's a fine cough ye have;
wudden't ye like to set in this cool draft?'
Or 'Cousin Andhrew, tell us that joke ye
made
it,
las'
I nearly died laugliin' at
night.
but no wan can
tell it like ye'ersilf.'
^'He niver took
stopped payin'
He
all bills.
He
thim to
people
insulted
fight.
By
an'
by
on
insisted
babies born in th' wârd bein'
him.
He
a meal at home.
named
an'
all
afther
challenged
th' pa-apers
got
hold iv him an' always spoke iv him as
th' eccenthric philanthropist.
Rows
if
car-
redges shtud at his dure an' inside iv his
house he debated with th' thrustees iv binivolint institutions an' prisidints iv colledges
about their plans
f 'r
new
buildins.
Wan
th' ladin' univarsities sint th' glee club
to serenade him.
He was
iv
down
ilicted vice prisi-
dint iv Andhrev^^ Carnaygie's peace comity,
thrustee iv th' art
museem,
director in th'
ON MAKING A WILL
Home
f'r
Wan Eyed
Skowhegan
"An' all
15
Owls, an' L. L. D. in
univarsity.
time
th'
th'
wurmld was
talkin'
this gr-reat binifacthor all Mrs. Dochney cud find in her cold heart to say was,
'There's no fool like an ol' fool,' an' wint
about
about her housewurruk an' made poultices
f 'r
him whin he come home fr'm the meetin'
iv th' s'ciety
they'd give
f 'r
pathronizin' th' poor, where
him a
cold in th' chest fr'm th'
hankerchief salute.
"AVell,
got to
come
sir,
come
times, good an' bad, has
an end, an' wan day Dochney
all
to
in to see
me.
'I think,' says he, 'I'll
go home an' go to bed an' stay there.
finished
me
will an'
me
fr'm th' binificyants.
life is
I've
no longer
safe
There's a prisidint iv
a colledge comin' to town.
idjacator, an' as I don't
He's an eager
want to
die with
boots on I think I won't see him.
me
Here's
owe ye f'r th' sas-prilly,' he says.
An' he wint away an' I niver set eyes on
him again. He left a will in five lines, givin' all his money to th' good woman, an'
5 cints I
ON MAKING A WILL
16
sayin' that he thought he'd
done enough
f'r
iv'rybody else by keepm' thim in hopes aU
these years, which
is
th'
on'y pleasure in
life."
"I niver cud undherstand a man lilce
Dochney makin' money," said Mr. Hennessy.
"He made
it," said
he honestly loved
tion.
He was
have no money
f'r itsilf
alone.
to such a
flirt."
it
Mr. Dooley, "because
with an innocint affic-
thrue to
is
it.
Th' reason ye
because ye don't love
Money
it
won't iver surrinder
FAMOUS MEN
'Î
SEE," said Mr. Dooley, "that a lot iv
people has been asked to
hundherd
iv th'
gr-reatest
make out a Hst
men in th' wur-
now dead."
know there were
ruld that ar-re
that manny,"
Mr. Hennessy.
No more did I/' said Mr. Dooley. "But
judgm' be what's been turned in be th' boys
as their pick iv th' wurruld's champeenship
team there's not a hundherd there's a millyon.
I don't know most iv thim.
They
done things in thrades that I know nawthin'
"I didn't
said
"
—
Ye
about.
see,
iviy
wan
that's asked puts
dowTi names iv la-ads in their
The}^
an'
all
own
start with Shakspeare,
Lincoln,
business.
Wash'nton,
but they're Hble to wind up
with Ephraim Perkins,
who was
th'
cham-
peen calcyminer iv his time.
"'Twas Andhrew Carnaygie started
coorse.
There's a
man
17
I
like.
it,
iv
He's good
2
FAMOUS MEN
18
Whin nobody
comp'ny.
is
talkin* an'
some
people ar-re thinkin' iv goin' home, he's
always ready to jiimp in and get up some
kind iv parlor intertainmint; whether
re^ôrmed
spellin', or
a hundhred gr-reatest
'tis
a peace conference, or
men
comp}i;ition.
"Well; he'd no sooner suggisted this rough
but injyable spoort
down
an'
whole wnrmld set
tliin th'
begun makin' out
to his graft, as th' sayin'
out a himdherd potes
A
who he
in his class, or nearly so.
Ivry
lists.
is.
man
pote picks
tliinks ar-re
A banker can't see
annybody but Shakspeare, Wash'nton,
an'
Lincohi excipt th' boys that can separate
money with
their
ye that
customers he
th'
A bartmder tells
thumbs.
wud
to see on
lilce
a dull averdn' ar-re Shakspeare, Wash'nton,
Lincohi, an' th' janiuses that has
tails
named
ordher, but
anny
I
Rickey
afther thim.
'tis
know.
wdll
as sure a
had cock-
That's a crowded
way
to
fame as
Cmchries fr'm now
Col.
be cillybrated whin people can't
raymimber whether it was Roodyard Kipling or Laura Jean Libbey that lived in
FAMOUS MEN
A
Brooklyn.
mannyfacthrer
acknowledges that
most influence on
Wash'nton,
eyes ar-re
his life
Lincoln,
A
curled hair.
men
th'
th'
man
grocery
iv
furniture
that have had
were Shakspeare,
an'
dimmed with
19
in^Hbitor
iv
says that his
tears ivry time he
thinks iv Shakspeare, Wash'nton, Lincoln,
an' th' author iv dhried apples.
who
Cassidy,
goes out to Celtic park ivry Sundah an'
sprains his back thiyin' to throw th'
over his
feet,
hammer
thinks that nex' to th' atha-
mentioned Flanagan, who cud throw
hammer over th' moon if he wanted to,
leets
th'
is th'
head
iv th'
list.
Hook
dhriver iv
it's th'
Ye'er
Ye'er oldest boy thinks
Ye'er
daughter thinks
An author
men that
heads
th' list
boy thmks
Laddher Five.
little
an'
it's
it's
Cap Chance.
Jawn Dhrew.
with th' two Dutch-
invinted printin', though Father
Kelly says authors was just as well
they chalked their
iv slate an'
They were
thim days.
off
whin
novels on a piece
charged people so
to look at thim.
lisher in
o\^^l
much a head
own pub-
their
'
FAMOUS MEN
20
"Ask a Chinyman
down
to put
hun-
th'
men he iver heerd iv an'
reconize a name onless it reminds
dherd gr-reatest
ye won't
ye iv where ye lost a shirt. A German will
pack th' list as full iv Germans as a brass
band. There'll be nawthin' but Shakspeare
an'
Fr-rinch
Rooshyan
m
Fr-rinch
th'
wad make
list
sind out a riot
th'
an'
th'
chief iv polls
call.
"An' they're
right, all iv thmi.
speare goes on th'
list
If
Shak-
because he cud throw
man
a pome farther thin amiy
since,
list,
befure or
Flanagan ought to go on because he
can throw
gr-reat a
th'
man
hammer.
in his
They've both got
Jack Johnson
way
th'
pimch, but
Look out
is
as
as Prisidint Eliot.
'tis
in a
wdndow at
that fellow acrost th' sthreet climbin' up a
derrick with a hammer in wan hand, a mondiff'rent
way.
key wrench between
iv th'
his teeth, an' a lâg iv
Cud Hogan's
spikes hangin' fr'm his neck.
frind Milton do that
?
He
cud not no more
thin that acrobat cud write ' Shurdan's Ride
or whativer
it
was.
Manny
a
man
that cud
FAMOUS MEN
wan hand cud-
capture this here city with
Manny
den't bate a carpet.
21
man
a
that
cud rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with
an ii-'n hand is careful to take off his shoes
in th' front hallway
whin he comes home
late at night.
"What makes a man
gr-reat
It isn't because he's good,
because he
Manny
isn't.
annyhow?
though
it
may
be
a hero iv antikity
has a pitcher iv somewan else in th' goold
watch
th'
Chris'mas.
boys
in
It
ain't
th'
tachin' school in
ain't
thin
give liim
f'r
because he's betther
iddycated thin others.
betther
office
There ar-re fellows
Waukegan
Alexandher
because he's pretty.
that cud spell
th'
Gr-reat.
An album
It
fiUed
with pitchers iv th' gr-reatest cud on'y be
opened afther dark.
brave.
Manny
pubhcan tickey
gettin' his
a
It ain't because they're
man
has voted
Rayaven
in Mississippi without
name on
th' tally sheet.
because they're forchnit.
It ain't
Th' on'y fellows
ye reniimber who wint up in
last
th'
fl3an'
year ar-re thim that come
masheens
down
too
FAMOUS MEN
22
An'
quick.
it
ain't
because they plan things
was Columbus, whose
on manny lamp posts, an' he didn't
in advance, f'r there
name
is
what he wint lookin' f'r, Hogan tells
me, an' it wasn't America he discovered at
find
first
but a place called Watling's island that
he bumped into on his way to Chiny,
th'
poor deluded Eyetalyan thinkin' Chiny was
somewheres near Pliillydelphy.
"So there ye
th' gr-reatest
is
Befure ye pick out
ar-re.
men
ye've got to
ye'er idee iv a gr-reat
says a man's gr-reat
man.
tell
me what
Father Kelly
who can do
th'
wan
knows how to do betther thin most
aimywan else. That is, if he has th' luck to
cash in. Be that rule I can prove ye're th'
thing he
akel iv Joolyiis Cayzar,
f'r
I've obsanêd
ye'er scientific handlin' iv a shovel,
though I've niver mentioned
it
me
boy,
fear iv
f'r
turnin' ye'er head.
"But whin
I look over these lists
appinted in not seein'
a binifactor
iv,
looked up to.
th'
I'm
mintion iv
dis-
manny
humanity that I've always
I'm goin' to make out me
FAMOUS MEN
own
An'
I've as
list.
th'
name
I'll
good a right as annywan.
put down fourth
to ye about him.
He's
I don't
know
time I look
down
at
is th'
fellow
I've often talked
that invinted suspinders.
heroes.
23
me
wan
iv
his
name, but ivry
me
gr-reatest
legs an' see they're
properly dhraped I think kindly iv this janius.
I
wanst had an idee that suspinders was wan
iv th' oldest iv
human
pose ivrybody did.
we take
th'
institutions.
I sup-
That's th' careless
gr-reat
gifts
iv
science.
way
We
think there niver was a time whin there
weren't
all
We
these convayniences.
have
no thought iv th' lone student settin' imdher
th' midnight lamp an' dopin' thim out f'r
th' benefit iv
a thankless race.
that th' second thing
Adam
I supposed
bought afther
he become ashamed iv himself
—an'
ought not to be goin' around that
if
'twas on'y his
him
own
he'd
way aven
fam'ly that cud see
—was a pair iv suspinders to hold thim
up.
"But
it
me they're
ain't so.
Fr'm what Hogan tells
call a mod-
almost w^hat ye might
FAMOUS MEN
24
hren invintion.
thousan' years,
F'r eight
accoordin' to Father Kelly's count, or
eight thousan' millyon years th'
add
up
f'r
way they
wurruld wint
modest frind iv man
come along with an invmtion that has made
it
in th' coUedges, th'
without thim
it
possible
th'
this
till
mankind
f'r
to fight th' battles iv
wurruld with both hands
Hogan
told
me
this
I
without puttin' in lines that
'Give
me
liberty or give
Pathrick Hinnery,
his
in'
free.
Iver since
can't read histhry
raisin'
make me
me
his
shiver.
death,'
says
hands above
head with a passyonate gesture, accordGive me liberty or give me
to histhry.
'
death,' says Pathrick Hinneiy, raisin'
wan
hand above his head, accoordin' to me. No
wondher sojers in th' old times were brave.
They cudden't run away comfortably. An'
I've always wondhered how th' Fr-rinch cud
talk at
all
in
""Who else
know.
I don't
has been
thim dark days.
wud I put on me hst?
Faith,
Manny gr-reat devilopments
made in me line iv business since
liquor merchants used to go ar-round seUin'
FAMOUS MEN
pints out iv a leather bag.
th' creators iv th' beer
ther, th'
wud mention
I
pump,
25
th'
cash regis-
combynation cheese, cracker, an'
seegar lighter, an' th' in-
coffee plate, th'
janyous device
f'r
cuttin'
off
th'
ends iv
was
anny man's
seegars which in oncivilized peeroyds
But I'm
bit off.
willin' to accipt
don't include th' invintor iv
list
so long as
th'
alarm clock an'
thim on
me
it
other
th'
gas meter.
I've got
list.
" 'Tis a good sign
whin people acknowledge
that other people ar-re gr-reat. It shows
self-resthraint.
It's far aisier to say no man
was
f'r
An' ye can always prove that,
matther wdth ivry
gr-reat.
there's somethin' th'
man, an' if there wasn't he'd be lynched. I
wondher who'll be th' gr-reat men iv to-day
a hundherd years fr'm now. Lookin' over
me contimpraries, I shud say that almost
annywan has a
nissy,
horse.
iv, an'
somethimes
There's
that
he's got th'
is
chanst.
likes to
Posterity,
vote
f'r th'
Hindark
wan thing ye may be sure
manny a boy that thinks
that
diploma in his bag won't figure
.
FAMOUS MEN
26
in th' biographical ditchnries.
den't be surprised at all
if
Faith, I
ye got in
wud-
ye'ersilf
A
hundherd years fr'm now a man may pick
up a histhry iv our counthry an' read: 'At
this peeryod there ar-rose a remarkable figure in th' person iv Malachi Hinnissy. F'r
cinchries th' wurruld had been full iv talk.
Now f'r th' first time there appeared a man
who cud Hsten. He was th' foundher iv th'
pow'rful school that includes at th' prisint
day most
iv th' thoughtful
men
wur-
iv th'
ruld.'"
"But
I haven't
been
listenin'," said
Mr.
Hennessy.
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if ye won't talk
an' ye won't listen
checked to
iUcted."
th'
ye can have ye'er thrunk
Hall iv
Fame
to-night.
Ye'er
AT A SUMMER RESORT
"I SEE be
th' pa-apers/' said
Mr. Hen-
nessy, "that ivrybody
is out iv town."
" So they ar-re/' said Mr. Dooley.
" With
th' exciption iv
who 're
two or three millyon
citizens
detained here be business or remoon-
Hke
erative labor,
pop34ation
is
ye'ersilf an'
me,
all
our
awây somewheres bein' fanned
a pa'm leaf fan.
be coolin' breezes
fr'rn
There's nawthin'
us poor dwellers in this
f'r
desarted village to do but take
off
our coats
an' vestS; onhitch our suspinders, switch
th' ilithric fan,
th' pitcher, an'
put another chunk iv
make
th' best iv
on
ice in
our mis'rable
condition."
" Life must be very injyeable in thim sum-
mer
Mr. Hennessy.
Mr. Dooley. "It's a great
thing to be rich an' be able to lave th' torrid
heat iv th' city where there's always a shady
side to th' sthreet an' duck to a place where
resorts," said
"It
is,"
said
27
AT A SUMMER RESORT
28
if
a
man owns
a lot with anny shade in
puts a fence around
it
it
he
an' charges admission.
Wanst whin I had let all me debts accumylate till I was rich beyond th' fondest dhreams
iv avarice, I took a vacation an' spint
a summer
an
resort.
Wan
wurruk iv fiction sint
mind ye, be th' proprietor
illusthrated
pers'nally,
it
at
mornin' I picked up
to
me
iv th'
Wild Waves hotel at Elysyum-be-th'-Lake.
this here docymint
There was a pitcher in
iv a stately palace with flags flyin' fr'm ivry
corner an' beautiful ladies walkin'
down
th'
mocks.
veranda or swingin' idly
At
th'
up an'
in ham-
front steps iv th' hotel a
carredge with a pair iv prancin' bays was
dhrawn up. Out in front a little girl was
a hoop an' there was a tennis coort
with two fair queens iv s'ciety in muslin an*
two college lads in white flannel pants, th'
sketch bein' marked: 'Micks doubles at
th' Wild Waves.'
Through a window iv th'
rollin'
hotel ye cud see a gintleman iv
playin' a
on
game
me own
age
iv fifteen ball pool, an' out
th' lake at laste
a hundherd white-wing
AT A SUMMER RESORT
yachts was
sailin'
over
ink that th'
blooest
29
surface iv th'
th'
cud buy
printer
f'r
'Always cool/ says this valentine.
money.
*Splindid
sâmmin',
fishiji';
iv dure spoorts.
sailin',
an' out
Eggs, poulthry, viggytables,
an' milk fr'm our
own
farm.'
"'Well,' says I to mesilf, 'here's where I
jump aboard.
place
f'r
me
This Hiven on arth
to freckle in.
I will
is
gher in charge iv th' fountain an' hie
thither.'
So
I
th'
put Galla-
me
bought a yard iv thransporta-
on me way.
"Th' brakeman rassled me out iv th' car
at a place that had wanst been a lumber
town, but was run down. Th' principal
tion an' wint
OGcypation iv th' citizens at prisint
in'
a hack.
They were
whin
I arrived, an'
come
like th'
they give
Kaiser
is
dhriv-
attindin' to business
wud
get
me
if
a
rile
wel-
he poked his
Each wan iv thim
had a whip that he stuck in me eyes as he
Gran' View hotel,
said: 'Carredge, Cap?
nose through th' gate.
Palace hotel, Plisint Prospect house,' an' so
on.
'I
want
to go to th'
Wild Waves hotel/
AT A SUMMER RESORT
30
says
'
I.
Here, Mike/ says
teers, 'here's
ye'er dump.'
me
be
th'
wan iv th'
chario-
another fellow that's fallen
f'r
'This way,' says Mike, seizin*
arm
tical 'bus that
an' flingin'
me
into th' iden-
brought Long Jawn Went-
worth to Chicago an' dhrawn be th' same
dhromedaries. Th' ol' coach was in an excillint
state iv presarvation
man had
restored
it
be
an'
lajîn'
th'
hotel
red brussels
carpets on th' benches.
"This museem piece was fairly well filled
at th' time be ladies an' their offspring, but
I
managed
on
to find a place be settin' partly
th' seat nearest th'
child iv six
little
a
pet stopped
warm
dure an' partly on a
summers ajacent
cr3'in'
to me.
Th'
at wanst, an' I got
look iv gratichood fr'm th' child's
mother, w^ho come an' grabbed her away an'
called her
th'
In
'bus be this time
ladies,
me
a boor.
fact, all th' looks in
was warm,
though beautiful, as
is
an'
th'
their wây in
eyes, were a Httle out iv ciu-l.
An' ye
might say it was a warm day if ye were not
undher oath. It was th' kind iv a day
AT A SUMMER RESORT
31
whin railroad firemen get sunsthruck on
Hogan says th' sun is
their way home.
sixty-three millyon miles fr'm th' arth.
don't
know how he knows.
But
it.
I
found
it
I
Maybe he paced
was nearer
th' hotel thin
th' lake.
" Well,
th'
afther a long argymint between
sir,
dhiiver
an'
th'
horses,
conducted,
an onnecessary display
with
thought,
I
iv
temper be Mike, but with th' ca'mness iv
ripe ol' age be th' horses, these chargers consinted to
dhraw us away fr'm
th' railroad
we cud be run
in as thres-
property befure
It
passers.
was plain that
th'
horses did
not want to go back to th' hotel, although
they did not take their meals there.
were rushed,
or,
So we
ye might say, bounced,
through a sthreet lined with handsome wood
houses occypied be Anneenyans an' Greeks
seUin' ol'
ver,
ol'
Turkish rugs,
fruit,
an'
heart iv th' city.
so
ol'
on.
furniture,
We
P'raps
it's
th'
I've often heerd iv th'
heart iv a city an' wondhered
called.
ol' sil-
passed
why
because there's
was so
where th'
it
AT A SUMMER RESORT
32
banks ar-re located.
Annyhow, we dashed
on an' on an' up an' dowa, through th' heart
iv th' city, an' at a place which I guessed
must be th' spinal colj-Tim Mike cried 'Ho/
yanked frantically at th' reinS; an' applied
But too late. Th' horses had
th' brakes.
already stopped, an'
we found
oursilves in
front iv a buildin' that I instantly recognized
fr'm th' pitcher be what
Wild Waves
th'
fr'm th' time whin
hotel,
fr'm
its shingles.
Th'
had
flown.
It
was
!
set f'r its photygraft.
it
same
th'
told me as
how changed
Mike
hotel; but,
but
th'
blush had fled
flags flew
no more, but
Th' lake had gone back three
was occypied be a coalyard,
had moved around to th'
back yard an' was full iv clotheslines, th'
little girl with th' hoop had grown up, got
married, an' wint to Sheboygan to live, an'
On
th' prancin' bays pranced no longer.
miles an'
its site
th'
tennis coort
th'
spacyous veranda, or front stoop,
on'y s'ciety lady I cud see was
me own
age an' figure
rockin' chair rockin'.
wan
who was
iv
th'
about
settin' in
a
AT A SUMMER RESORT
"She was a great
seen manny a good
best I iver did see.
33
rocker, this lady.
rocker, but she
I've
was
th'
I'd bacvk her again th'
wurruld in a long distance rockin' compyti-
They were lots iv other rockers in th'
hotel.
Most iv th' ladies some time durin'
th' afthernoon come out an' took a canter
f r two or three hours, an' some iv thim were
pretty fair. But they were just fair. None
tion.
thim was in th' class with me little frind.
She was on th' thrack at 9 o'clock, an' with
iv
th' exciption iv
a few minyits out
mints she niver paused
doused.
till
f'r refrish-
th' lights
I figured out that she
were
had done
about a hundherd miles a day.
me portmanty
"Well, annyhow, I carrid
Hogan wud say, an'
a young fellow who was lookin'
into th' horsetelry, as
approachin'
at somethin' on th' ceilin' I ast
f'r
a room.
*Boy,' says he, 'show th' gent to ihven fortythree.'
says he.
wan
I;
'I'd like a bath,' says
'A
bath,' says
I.
it
'A what?'
'Didn't ye take
befure ye left?' says he.
'but I lost
I.
'I did,' says
again on th' thrain.'
'Well/
AT A SUMMER RESORT
34
says he,
speak to
'I'll
th' boss
maybe he can put ye on
But
it's
other resources
may've been
him up
me
me
where he led
into a
room that
hotel
must be crowded,' says
says
he.
'Th'
rush
wan on
f'r
hasn't
th'
called
flew to th' rafters,
measured
as though I'd been
it
thim means
some wag has
Up we
flights iv stairs.
or
sivral,
sivral dozens, iv
iv thransportation that
There's no
amus-
he called out, 'This way,
I followed
scout,'
f'r
time an' urchin had seized
this
valise, an' wliin
ol'
Hst.
he says.
in' ye'ersilf ?'
"Be
an'
it
waitin'
sthrange ye shud come so far f'ra
Have ye no
bath.
about
th'
I.
me
fitted
it.
'Th'
'0, no,'
begun
roof an' on'y
yet.
wan
fam'ly is usm' th' pool table,' he says.
" Afther spindin' a few minyits standin' on
a
chaii' lookin'
out iv
me dormer window
at
a magnificint prospect iv th' roof iv th'
hotel laimdhr}^, I wint do\MistaLrs an' says
I to th' clerk
f'r
years,
jooce
me
'
:
I
if iver,'
to
haven't played lawn tennis
says
I.
some young
'If
ye
college
will inthra-
feUow an'
AT A SUMMER RESORT
lend
me
35
a ball an' a club an' a pair iv white
pants I'd like to take a smash at him
couple
'but
iv
th'
in
coort's
'Well; thin/ says
masther iv
I,
It's
'cud ye
wounds
he, 'but
plumber's havm'
th' pool balls ar-re at th'
their
stir
'Too bad,' says
fifteen ball pool?'
dhiêssed -îth putty.
lend ye a couple iv potatoes
knock thim around
till
th'
if
cud
I
ye
like to
occypants iv
table ar-re ready to retire,' he says.
advise ye to
take th'
somewhat rounder thin
me
*Thin can ye direct
'Gladly,' says he.
a
wash day.'
up some
play me a game iv
use.
th' iv'ries to
f'r
he says,
'I'm soriy,'
innings.'
th'
'I'd
potatoes.
They're
th' balls,'
he says.
to th' lake?' I says.
'Take
th'
throUey at
earner an' thransfer at Cass sthreet.
th'
Thin
walk through Spry's lumber jârd an' acrost
th' Mitchigan Centhral thracks beyant th'
grain ihvator an' ye'll find th' lake.
laste,'
it,
he says,
'
I think
but I'm told
ye
it's there.'
pitcher iv this hotel,' says
tygrafter a
man
will.
iv
I.
'I
'
At
I niver see
wanst see a
th' pho-
Was
good habits?' says
I.
AT A SUMMER RESORT
36
'0 yes/ says
he, 'but while th' pitcher
bein' took th' boss
*Well,' says
me
I,
'I
castic
convarsation
suppose there's nawthin'
to do but go to dinner.'
he, 'I fear not.'
man
was
an' talked iuto
wud
ye wudden't know it.'
boss'
rainbow so
color a
f'r
Th'
camera.
th'
come out
He was
'Alas/ says
a jovyal an' sar-
He
an' I liked him.
told
me
he
was pining to go on his vacation to Saint
Looey, which th' doctor had ricominded on
account iv
"So
its
summer
climate.
I sauntered into th' dinin' room,
I aisily located be th' rich
aromy
A
an' th' rustle iv crockery.
iv
Dahomey who
hall,
which
iv viands
former king
presided over th' bankit
without hearin'
me
definse,
waved me
into a chair alongside th' lady iv th' rockin'
chair.
'
Madam,' says
time in an innocint
in'
today?'
I,
thinkin' to pass th'
flirtation,
'
how's the rock-
She made no reply, but rose
an' hastened to her faithful steed.
yoimg
Thin a
an' thoroughly colored fellow, a nice
fellow in his
own way, which he always
hove alongside, an' afther nately
was,
clanin' th'
AT A SUMMER RESORT
me
tablecloth into
lap
handed
fare that looked like th'
farm products.
cession
iv
It
I;
'this is surely ragal.'
it up
I wud
But whin he come
an'
large as that table
occypied be
th' left
'Well, sir/ says
An' I told
th' waiter
down and both
in balancin'
on
little
bill iv
abreast,
five
on oHves an'
iv coffee.
play
all
marchin'
restin'
on a dimmytasse
a
schedule on
tariff
was a magnificent pro-
victuals
with the right
me
37
sides.
a thray as
th' tip iv his finger an'
dishes with nourishment
thim I was ashamed iv meself. 'How
exthravagant us Americans ar-re,' says I.
in
'Here
is
food enough to sustain a whole
Europeen fam'ly. What a waste/ says I.
'Th' on'y way ye can waste th' food in this
hotel/ said a sad voice near me, 'is be atin'
it.'
But me neighbor was too severe. It
was an excilhnt reepast in th' style invinted
be that prince iv epicoors th' late George M.
Pullman. Th' viggytables was without question fr'm th' farm, although th'
may've changed
ol'
gr-reatly since they left
follow th' lure iv th' city.
'Am
place
it
to
I correctly
AT A SUMMER RESORT
38
informed/ says
that
fr'm
*We
says
judge,'
condinse our
dock,'
camier}^?'
'An'
he.
own
'Do ye
proudly.
indeed}^,
own
hotel's
th'
right,
I to th' waiter, 'in thinldn*
viggytables on th' table comes
all th'
*
That's
milk?'
th'
milk, cap,' he repHed
ate here?' says
says he.
'No,
I.
have a com-
'I
home/ he sa3^s.
"Th' dinin' room was a magnificent
fortable
Ye
thry.
No
rile
sight.
anny Europeen councoort cud show so manny
cudden't bate
it
beautiful
dhressed
sparklin'
jools
in
ladies
flashin'
in
th'
niver thought there was so
manny
so
with,
sunlight.
much
I
precious
jims unpawned in th' wurruld as graced th'
fair necks,
fingers,
charmers.
I
am't
ears,
an' hair iv these
much
at appraisin' th'
fiminine harness, but 'twad be a good guess
to say that th' decorations riprismted an
imdstmuit iv close on
Thim were
proud iv
five
millyon dollars.
th' clerk's figures.
me
conflagration
counthry.
It
made me
An' whin
hobbled out onto
all
th'
this
front
porch an' begun rockin' ye cudden't look at
AT A SUMMER RESORT
it
f r more
a minyit at a time without a
tliin
On'y I noticed that
headache.
39
ladies
th'
They ni^êr smiled, but
wore an exprissyon iv
detarmination such as IVe sildom seen
didn't look jov^'al.
their
fierce
on
lovely
faces
man
a
th' face iv
but whin he was in
mortal combat.
"Me
mournful frind iv
me
set alongside iv
'Wud ye be
an' explained
lookin'
match
rasslin'
f'r
dinner table
th'
meriy
socyal
ye'er
in
a
standin'?'
'This ain't plaj^/ says he.
says he.
me.
to
it
ye was
if
'It's
a tur-rble compytition, a sort iv a tournymint where manny ar-re slam. There are
entlii'ies
fr'm
all
parts iv th' counthry an*
there ain't an hour in th' afthemoon or avenin'
whin ye won't see a dozen lively encounD'ye see that blonde lady in purple
thers.
walkin'
dimon
down
th'
porch
tiary in her hat ?
—
th'
wan with
th'
She's issuin' a defi
to th' lady in green in th' front row.
I tliink
she loses this round, but she won't be baten
in th' end.
She'll pull
thrunk this afthernoon
something out iv
that'll
th'
get her th'
AT A SUMMER RESORT
40
money.
a wonderhful
It's
but/ he
sight,
was to home.'
Why did ye come here ? says I.
sayS; 'I wisht I
"
'
'
'
th' raison/ says he, pintin' to
sivral furlongs iv
a lady
That's
who had
dimons around her neck
an' wore besides a pink plush dhress slashed
up
th' side an' at laste
that I cud see.
says
here?'
'An'
wan
why
purple stockin'
does she come
'D'ye suppose/
I.
says
he,
*that she'd waste thim illuminations on th'
home
folks
?
comin' here
th'
'
he says.
She's been
sir.
iv th' place.
aisily
I don't like to
he says, openin' his allypacky coat
boast,'
an' thrustin' his
ders, 'but,'
full iv
No,
twinty years, an' she's
f'r
champeen
'
thumbs undher
his suspin-
he says, with his mild blue eyes
a sudden
fire, 'I
got five hundred dol-
lars to bet she's th' best dhressed
th' Mississippi valley
Rouge.
full iv
She's
female in
fr'm Duluth to Baton
come here with
forty thrunks
upholsteiy an' a steel safe crowded
with precyous glassware, an' whin she's oncovered thim
women
feel
all she'll
make
th' rest iv
thim
that they got their wrappers
AT A SUMMER RESORT
home/ he
fr'm th' foundlings'
he says, resoomin' his
says.
'But/
tone an' look-
plaintiff
at his congress gaiters, 'jus' th'
in' wistfully
same
41
back home on
I'd give annything to be
me own porch,
with
me
coat
off,
watchin' th*
merry throng go by.' 'An' where do ye
live whin ye ain't here?' says I.
'In Gary,
Indyanny,' says he. 'Well,' thinks I, 'Gary
is a handsome an' prosp'rous city an' it
turned out more steel rails last year thin
ayether Rome or Venice. But if a man fr'm
Gary pines to go home, what's keepin' a
citizen iv th'
An'
I
methropolus iv
wint into
th' rosin
on
west here?'
th'
th' hotel, tore
me
vaHse fr'm
th' flure, subjicted mesilf to
search at th' hands iv th' cashier, an'
th' scene iv splindor f'river.
fair city, I
found
it
Th'
crowded with th'
see a man thrun out
îfe
happy peasanthry;
I
an'
iv a resthrant befure I'd
injine 5
was
Whin
th' ilicthric
jus' turnin'
I got
left
Arrivin' in our
as gay as usual.
sthreets were full iv
passed.
a
gone a block, an'
out
home
f'r
I
a
fire
as I
switched on
fan an' put some ice an' something
AT A SUMMER RESORT
42
to melt
with in a pitcher, an'
Hogan come
we played siven up till 4 in the marnwhin he turned a jack an' I put out th*
in an'
in',
it
Hghts."
DRINK AND POLITICS
"Sure,
it's
a sthi'ange change hag come
over our poUyticks since I was captain iv
me
precinct.
on
says,
We
ar-re
iffiminate
fallen,
days.
Th'
as
Hogan
hardy an'
gloryous peeryod in th' histhry iv th' re-
pubHc has passed, an' th' times whin Hinnery Clay an' Danl Webster wud sit f'r
hours pushin' th' scuttle to an' fro acrost
th' table
Booze
has gone to return no more.
an' iloquence has both passed out iv our
public
man
life.
No
longer
is th'
gr-reat states-
carried to th' platform be loving hands
an' lashed to th' railin'
where him an' King
Alcohol sings a duet on th' splindors iv th'
blue sky an' th' onfadin' glories iv th'
flag,
but afther atin' a pepsin tablet an' sippin'
glass iv light gray
a
limonade he reads to th'
assimbled multitchood th' financial repoort
iv th'
Standard He comp'ny
year endin' June
"Mind
f'r th'
physical
first.
ye, all this
was befure
43
my
time.
In
^
DRINK AND POLITICS
44
my
day
knew a
I niver
that dhrank, or
if
gr-reat statesman
he did he niver landed
aimy job betther thin clerk in th' weather
But as Hogan says Shakspeare says,
office.
they pretinded a vice if they had it not. A
poUytician was a baten man if th' story
wint around that he was sildom seen dhrunk
in pubHc.
His aim was to create an imprissyon that he was a gay fellow, a joyval
toss pot, that thought nawthin' iv puttin'
a gallon iv paint into him durin' an avenin's
intertainment.
They had
to exercise diplo-
macy, d'ye mind, to keep their repytations
Whin
goin'.
Higgins was runnin'
he always ordhered gin an'
water. Ye
Ye know what gin
him
looks like gin.
his glass
precinct
looks like ?
Wan
on
an' go
f'r sheriff
always give
undherstand,
don't
day Gallagher took up
be forty votes.
th' flure
home with
ye?
Well, wather
be mistake an' Higgins
held a bolder coorse.
stuff
I
He
Sinitor
used to
lost
th*
O'Brien
dump
th'
whin no wan was lookin'
a light foot while I swept
out his constitooents.
Yes,
sir,
I've seen
DRINK AND POLITICS
him pour
iv
me
45
into th' sawdust quarts an' gallons
precious old
me own hands on
Remorse Rye, aged be
th' premises.
"Th' most onpopylar prisidint we iver had
was Rutherford B. Hayes an' why? Was
it because he stole th' prisidincy away fr'm
Sam'l J. Tilden? It was not. Anny wan
—
wud
steal
a prisidincy fr'm a Dimm3xrat in
thim days an' think
No,
otism.
sir,
th' larceny
was pathri-
'twas because whin people
wint up to th' White House they got nawthin' to
dhrink but sparklin' wather, a biv-
ridge, Hinnissy, that is
ineebratin',
nayether cheerin' nor
but gives ye
th'
most inconvani-
ent part iv a deebauch, that
Fr'm 8
o'clock,
to 8:30,
whin
ran shriekin'
but tactless
whin they
th' last
set
is th'
hiccups.
down to
southren congressman
down th' sthreet, this
man pumped his guests
imprisoned gas.
dinner,
gr-reat
full iv
An' whin his term expired
he wint back where he come fr'm an'
heerd iv him again.
I niver
PoUytickally speakin',
d'ye mind, he wint down, as ye might say,
to a wathry grave.
DRINK AND POLITICS
46
"But
it's
dianged now.
all
no longer come into
it.
place.
I'm glad
iv
I prefer th' thrade iv prosp'rous steel
mannyfacthrers
lar.
me
PoUyticians
A
like ye'ersilf
statesman
.
It's
more reg'-
wud no more be
goin' into a saloon thin
seen
he ^vud into a meetin'
iv th' Anti-Semitic league.
Th' imprissyon
that th' sight iv a bock
he thiies to give
is
beer sign makes
him
faint with horror, an'
that he's stopped atin' bread because there's
a certam amount iv alcohol concealed in it.
He wishes to brand as a calumy th' state-^
ment that his vvife uses an alcohol lamp to
heat her curlin'
broad land
is
irns.
Ivry statesman in this
in danger iv gettin' wather-
logged because whiniver he sees a possible
vote in sight he yells
f'r
a pitcher iv
ice
wather an' dmnps into himsilf a basin iv
that nobie flooid that in th' more rugged
days iv
fires an'
th' republic
was on'y used to put out
sprinkle th' lawn."
—
ON HOME LIFE
"Th' newspa-apers
I'd
Mr. Dooley.
do without thim.
I'd
have no society
ar-re a gr-reat bless-
"I don't know what
ing," said
wasn't
If it
f'r
thim
to assocyate with
fit
But
on'y people like ye'ereilf an' Hogan.
me
th'
pa-apers opens up
me
a speakin' acquaintance with th' whole
wurruld.
th'
If
life
IGng
to
iv
an' gives
England
hap-
pens to take a dhrop too
much
skin his elbow, I have
as quick as I
th'
news
iv
Himiissy dynasty.
th'
Impror
there's
th'
iv
I
know more about
me father knew
Chiny thin
people in th' next parish.
wan
wud
a bad break be th' head iv
th'
about
it
an' fall an'
An'
if
thing I want to write to th'
thank him about
Bono PubHco' it is
iditor iv th' pa-aper an'
an' sign th' letter 'Pro
th'
peek he gives us i\ay wanst in a while
into th'
homes
iv th'
own neighborhood.
arrystocracy iv our
Ye go by wan
47
iv these
ON HOME LIFE
48
magnificent brick mansions, ye see th' automobill dash up, ye see th' jook step out an*
run up
in
th' stairs,
ye see
knee breeches open
'I bet
to ye'ersilf:
th'
th'
head hired
man
dure an' ye think
ye thim people ar-re on-
Ivrything must be cold an' cheer-
happy.'
less within, there's so
Ye
much room.
think
iv th' gr-reat cap iv industhree settin' in
marble
hall
a
surrounded be gr-rand piannies,
plush chairs, onyx cuspydors an'
all th' ivi-
money
away fr'm
dences iv wealth an' refinement that
an' art can supply.
He's so far
th' rest iv th' fam'ly that whin he wants to
thim he has to whistle f'r th' butler
Ivrybody is poHte an*
to take th' message.
oncomfortable. If a man has a jook f'r a
son-in-law ye don't think he can iver cut
talk to
loose an'
be
himsilf.
There can't be anny
Th' week
freedom in such surroundings.
passes without a youbedam'd.
Uke
it is
in a novel.
It's:
other saucerful iv tea.'
jine
me
in a tub iv
Ivrything
is
^Jook, have an-
'Will ye'er grace
champagne.'
'Can
I
throuble ye'er grace to pass th' ketchup.*
ON HOME LIFE
Ye wondher why
49
th' millionaire isn't
down
at th' corner saloon ivry night thrym' to
pick a fight with th'
sorry
f 'r th'
"But
Th'
life
Ye
feel
ye're wrong, Hinnissy, ye're wrong.
more home-Hke thin
There's much more fam'ly feel-
iv th' rich is far
ye think.
in'
bartinder.
rich in their resthricted hves.
Takin' thim
thin ye imagine.
an' I don't think
all
in all
ye need to pity thim.
A
longshoreman doesn't have to walk so far to
take a kick at his son-in-law, but thin look
amount iv furniture a nullyonaire has
throw at anny mimber iv th' fam'ly that
at th'
to
A
don't agree with him.
on
th'
fam'ly
dhrainage canal that
is
man down
thryin' to dis-
cipline his relations is limited in
tion.
plates,
Afther
he's
a vinegar
used
four
bottle, th'
ammyni-
chairs,
baby
th'
an' a glass
case iv art}^cyal flowers, he has to rethreat
to th' Idtchen an' defind
an'
more injanyous man.
lyonaire has a thousand
that he can hurl, an'
if
Venus de Midicy, he can
it
again a younger
But
little
th'
aged mil-
objecks iv art
he misses with
th'
flatten th' jook out
4
ON HOME LIFE
50
with a ginooyine Rembrandt.
needn't pity th' rich.
No
They have
ye
sir,
their o^vn
nachral injyemints iv hfe an' they ought to
be happy.
"I was readin' about it in th' pa-aper an'
me long f 'r a httle loose change more
made
it
thin annything I've seen in manny a day.
It seems that wan iv our most prom'nent
capytahsts,
MuUigan
his daughter in
J. Billhooley;
had give
marredge to a Fr-rinch jook.
This sign iv a foreign arrystocracy come to
America to hve with his wife's parentS; an'
properly so, as
Mulhgan
J.
Billhooley did
not dare to thrust large sums iv
th' mails.
home
thries.
to
Th' nobleman made himsilf at
at wanst.
between
money
th'
There's very httle
arrystocracies iv
They're
all
alike.
diff 'rence
anny coun-
Blood
will tell,
an' th' nobility iv th' wurruld are always
aisy
with each other whether their
title
dates back to Agincourt or South Bend.
"Th' jook was noble be
birth, his fam'ly
havin' done no wurruk since th' middle iv
th' foorteenth cinchry.
Th' Billhooley
es-
ON HOME LIFE
51
cutcheon was splashed be a few years that
th' old arrystocrat
had put
in as
a stone
mason, but that's somethmg we won't talk
about. At th' prisint moment no fam'ly
has a betther ratin' in Bradsthreet's peerage
thin th'
Billhooley's.
Th' jook's nobility
was older but Billhooley's was longer an'
more aisily neegotjâble at th' meat market.
"Well; sir; th' inthercoorse iv these two
gr-reat noblemen was charmin', parfectly
aisy an' simple, Hke a reunion in a Bohaymian fam'ly out at th' yards. I'll give ye an
exthract fr'm th' divoorce news about thim:
'Whin they set down to th' table wan night
f'r supper, th' duchess happened to pass th'
reemark that th' jook was overthrained in
His grace was nachth' matther iv dhrink.
rally indignant an' slammed her in th' eye.
This aggytated Misther Billhooley to such
an extint that he uppercut
pint iv jaw, sendin'
pa'ms.
Th'
jook
th'
jook to th'
him through a bank
hurled
a
small
iv
jooled
clock at th' proud old
man
ment become
Th' jook was holdin'
gin'ral.
an' th' engage-
ON HOME
52
own
his
LIFE
well in th' fam'ly council, havin*
ar-rmed himsilf with a small marble statue
called
'^
fam'ly,
Prayer" whin an old retainer
Sam Johnson
iv th'
be name, who had been
with th' Billhooley's fr'm his
arliest child-
hood excipt whin he was with th' Pullman
Comp'ny, took a hand in th' discussion.
angered at th*
This vin'rable depindant,
assault
th'
on
room,
his beloved masther, charged into
felled his grace
was stampin' on
It
in.
is
his
with a bottle an*
head whin
th'
poHs come
said th' throuble has caused
esthrangement in
th' fam'ly.
an
Th' jook has
accipted a position on th' vodyrille stage
where he
will
do a monologue on th' fam'ly
announces that
secrets, an' his father-in-law
he
will
be prisint on
th' openin' night an*
carry along a hatful iv bricks.'
"That's what I call fam'ly life. There's
what that there beautiful writer, Laura Jaen,
wud
it.
call
a note iv sweet domisticity about
Ye needn't
throuble ye'er head about th*
Don't think iv thryin' to improve
their home-lives.
It isn't up to ye to or-
rich.
ON HOME LIFE
63
ganize a comity an' thry an' teach fam'ly
fights
to
millyonaires
th'
avnoo.
home ye might
find
at each other.
We
rale
on
Mitchigan
If ye broke into th' statehest stone
home
complain.
fife
thim shootin'
th' dishes
don't often hear iv their
because th' neighbors don't
Most
iv th' time all
we know
how they live is an inventhry iv th'
But now an' thin we get a glimpse
furniture.
like this to show that American home life
about
is
still
uncorrupted be gr-reat wealth an'
that th' noblest in our land will lick their
son-in-laws
if
they thry to borrow
money
fr'm thim."
"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "it's a shame
these rich American girls shud
marry these
foreign noblemen."
"It's th' on'y chanst they've got/' said
Mr. Dooley.
man
"A yomig
isn't goin' to sell his
thin prob'bly on'y get
in a
it
American business
heart
f 'r
goold an'
in small installments
pay envelope on Saturdah night. He
matther up in his simple way an'
sizes th'
says he to himsilf:
'I
wud
hate to have to
ON HOME LIFE
54
wurmk
f'r
me
wife th' rest iv
me
life.
I
money, but th'
in th' marts iv
thrade. Annyhow, I'll have a betther chanst
at it outside th' fam'ly thin in/ he says.
An' there ye ar-re."
want
on'y
this old gintleman's
way
f'r
me
to get
it is
ON FOOD IN WAR
"This here war they're havin' in Europe,"
said Mr. Hennessy; "is lastin' th' long time."
"I'm sorry it's borin' ye it is," said Mr.
" 'Twdll be very disappintin' to th'
Dooley.
fellows that put
it
on at gr-reat expinse an'
thim that
ar-re actin' in
beginnin'
to
some people.
Look at all
yawn.
I thought
th'
it,
It's
to
know
hard to
ye were
increased
ye're
satisfy
injyin'
prosperity
it.
it's
Why, two year ago ye'er wheelbarrow was empty half th' time an' now
'tis always full an' ye ar-re fair staggrin'
brought ye.
undher
th'
Company.
th' other
increased ordhers iv th'
No wondher Claud
Steel
Kitchin an'
brave fellows at Wash'nton ar-re
thryin' to stop ye'er neefaryous thraffic with
th' Alleys an'
th'
put ye on haK time.
wur-r-ukin'men's
friends,
They're
thim
boys.
Bein' above manyal labor thimsilves their
motto
is
half time f'r th'
55
t'ilin'
masses.
ON FOOD IN WAR
56
"There's nawthin' a pathriotic Southren
Congressman
likes betther thin
th' wur-r-ukin'
to rejooce
Dimmy-
days iv their fellow
crats iv th' North.
They're not against war.
They're against ôir-r-uk.
An'
thej'-'re right.
"NO; sir. I don't know whin 't\\dll come
to an end an' no more does anywan else.
Fightin', Hinnissy,
ple
is
slow to lave
thryin' to
do
it
is
hck
is
Th' Germans ar-re
off.
th' Fr-rinch an' they'll niver
while th'
Fr-rinch
a recreation that peo-
Dutch
Fr-rinch.
is
Dutch
Th' English
is
an'
th'
thryin'
to starvê out th' Germans, that bein' th'
way
mind ye, to an Englishman to sub j 00 an mimy. But ye can't
starvê a German onless ye blow up th'
breweries. Besides, th' Germans ar-re an
injanyous people. Wan iv them gits up in
that looks best,
th' mornin', puts
be
on a
th' corner dhi-uggist
goes
down
suit iv clothes
made
out iv coal tar an'
to th' caffy or ratskellar an' ates
a hearty breakfast iv shavins covered with
smeerkase an' a couple iv kags iv lager.
He's just as well
off as
though he'd had
his
ON FOOD
IN
WAR
57
usual mornin' meal iv noodle soup, pig's feet
Iv course
an' wurtzberger.
pets
may be nervous.
Whin
I
household
th'
wuddint blame thim.
Gretchen looks at her pet canary
little
knows she
in th' cage, th' feathered warbeler
admirin'
ain't
An'
taste
th' faithful ol'
th' porcelain stove
to bite th'
"No,
smgin'.
his
how good he wud
if
She's
dachshund sleeps beside
with wan eye open, ready
hand that wud feed
sir,
'tis
thinkin'
stuffed with onions.
off
him.
almost impossible to starve
a counthiy out. Gin'rally speakin', me boy,
stomach iv a coimthry is a gr-reat pathrite
an' can get along on iron filin's if nawthin'
th'
betther
a httle
amuse
on
wants is
healthy exercise an' something to
is
it.
th' bill iv fare.
Why,
sir,
All
I used to
it
know an
ex-
Confedhrate sojer—^how did I know he was
an ex-Conf edhrate ? Because he niver give
th' rebel yell whin th' band played 'Dixie.'
He was
a bony-fide rale wan.
He owned
ec-
less thin two
war bruk out a«n'
ol' plantation to jine Massa
centric charackter.
hundhred slaves whin
he didn't lave th'
He was an
th'
;
ON FOOD IN WAR
58
Bob, but was dhrafted
off
a hose-cart in
Richmond. He told me that th' Conf edhrate
ar-rmy had practically nawthin' to ate but
popcorn an' Confedhrate money that they
made into a salad with axle-grease. But did
they fight? Well, ye ask anny Southrener
did they fight. Ask Claud Eatchin did they
He'll have to admit it.
It will give
fight.
him pain an' he'll apologize, but he'll have
to say they did or stay at
home next
winter.
"Well, annyhow, this frind iv mine told
me
that
if
Gin'ral Lee
and Gin'ral Grant
hadn't been such old frinds they'd be fightin'
But
yet.
it
appears that Gin'ral Grant got
tired an' wint over
wan
afthernoon an' see
Gin'ral Lee settin' undher
an apple three
an' says he: 'Gin'ral,' says he,
over.'
was
Gin'ral Grant.
'Very
talk
it
'All right,' says Gin'ral Lee, 'but I
just finishin'
in th' momin'.'
th'
'let's
well,'
me
plans to massacree ye
"Tis lucky I
called,'
says
'Let's go inside,' says he.
says Gin'ral Lee, 'but
story about th'
ol'
'twill spile
apple three.'
can't spile histhry be makin'
it
'Ye
unthrue,'
ON FOOD IN WAR
says Gin'ral
Grant.
59
there ain't
'BesideS;
anny ol' apple three here/ he says. So th^
two ol' fellows went inside. Gin'ral Grant
looked awûl sloppy, bein' dhressed in a
hand-me-down unyform, with his pants
tucked in his boots, but Gin'ral Lee he was
lit
up
fine,
in gray broaf.lcloth, with goold
eppylets an' patent-leather shoes an' spats
on th' hilt.
An' whin they got in th' house Gm'ral Lee
says: 'Well, what can I do f'r ye, me good
an' a gr-reat soord with dimon's
fellow?'
'Well,'
seems to
me
'tis
says
Grant,
Gin'ral
'it
time this jam was ended.
ask ye'er fellows to quit hckin' us
If ye'll
home
me
boys back
Each iv ye'er warryors can take his
an' go
too.
quite,
I'll
sind
revolver so he can engage in commercyal
pursoots as iv yore, an' they can go
an' rule th'
come North
to can
he says.
jobs,'
Lee,
'if
thin' f'r
Hand
an' take all th'
'Very
well,'
says
good
Gin'ral
ye're so pussylanimous there's
me
home
South an' such iv thim as wants
naw-
to do but accipt ye'er surrinder.
over ye'er soord,' he says.
'
I haven't
ON FOOD IN WAR
60
got anny/ says Gin'ral Grant, 'but
ye a good
give
smoke/ says
'I don't
see-gar.'
I'll
Gin'ral Lee, haughtUy, turnin' on his heel
an'
callin'
f'r
charger,
his
lavin'
Gin'ral
Grant to go home be thi'olley. An' the gallant boys in gray received th' news with a
cheer, an' set fire to their capital an' th'
inimy put
it
banjo out iv th' hand iv
th'
Ethyopyan freedman an' hit him over
it an' sint him back to wurruk,
th'
th'
they rode home on their
out, an'
mules an' took
head with
only this time they refused to board him.
An' iver since thin
nin' th'
th'
Govemmint ayther
or fr'm th' outside.
in'
South has been runfr'm th' inside
They're ayther throw-
plates in th' dinin'-room or hurlin' bricks
through
th'
iv th' Civil
iv a
window.
War
An' that's
as I heerd
man who was
it
th' histhry
fr'm th' lips
prisint at th' time."
ON OLD AGE
"I'm
gettin' old/' said
had me
Mr. Hennessy.
"I
sixtieth birthday yisterday."
" I wudden't have said ye were within ten
years iv sixty," said Mr. Dooley.
"I bet
Hogan
last
But
I
mightVe knowai
man
gets to be over siventy he boasts iv his
age.
Whin he
to he about
throw
year that ye were siventy-wan.
his
it.
Whin
betther.
a
passes eighty he's very Hble
An' whin he's ninety he
wig in
th' face iv
will
anny man who
insinyates that he ain't th' oldest
man
in
th' wurruld.
"Wan
most savage combats I've
had m this place was between old man
Casey an' Hogan's father. They're both
iv th'
iver
about eighty-two.
diff' rence
There's a
ship records iv this kind a
inches in th' broad jump.
six looks
month
or two's
between thim, but in champeen-
down on a man
el
month counts
A man
like
iv eighty-
iv eighty-five, re-
ON OLD AGE
62
ceives his callow opinyons with a supercilyous
smile, an'
if
he talks too
much
tells
him
to
shut up.
"To hear
these two athleets discuss their
scores ye'd think they were
Matt McGraw
about th' ham-
an' Jawn Flannagan talkin'
mer throw. They started in be concedin'
that Methusalem was not in their class at
all.
Their gin'ral idee was that he had died
But whin it come to
iv cholery infantum.
comparin' ages nayether
admit that
iv bein'
th' other
as fine a
man
proved their age be
they'd seen.
iv
thim
wud
five years
as himsilf.
th'
knew
Hogan was
I niver
that Misther
wan
come within
liistorical
They
ivints
befm-e that night
at th' battle iv
Watherloo or that Misther Casey had been
wan
iv
Robert Immitt's pallbearers.
ther Casey
Mis-
was muttherin' somethin' about
an aidy camp f'r King James at th'
battle iv th' Boyne whin his grandson who's
in th' fire departmint come to take him home.
bein'
Whin he had gone ol' man Hogan says to
me: 'Young man, that fellow is an imposter.
ON OLD AGE
63
Don't ye iver thrust him. He's claimin' to
be ninety, an' I'd bet he's not a day over
siventy-nine
'How
he's that.'
if
Misther Hogan?' says
ye,
I.
old ar-re
'I'm ninety-
'I was bor-rn on th' eighth
March, eighteen hundherd an' forty,'
siven,' says he.
day
iv
he says.
"It's pleasant to think that
on'y very
young men
an' very old
men
older thin
they
Th' attimpt iv a
ar-re.
pritind to be
young fellow to wheedle th' hair into growin'
on his upper lip an' Misther Hogan pretindin'
he is ninety-siven ar-re th' same idee. They
know ye can't amount to annything onless
ye
ar-re old.
ther
age
a
Iv coorse ye'er son an' Mis-
Hogan have a
is
theery iv what
Ye'er boy thinks that whin
old age.
man
diff'rent
gets to be forty th' neighbors ought
him out
bag over
Old
man Hogan ain't sure that a man ought to
vote onless he is at laste eighty. It's about
to take
in th' alley, put a
his head, an' hit
him with a hammer.
that time iv life that th' bones ar-re hardened,
th'
head
closes
up
an' stops growin', an' a
ON OLD AGE
64
citizen is
in
fit
to be enthrusted with th' jooties
life.
"'Tis strange
how we
look
that are younger thin us.
a
man
iv sixty as
it is
down on thim
It's th'
same with
with a schoolboy iv
thim thinks
th' fellows
under him amount to annything.
It shocks
sixteen.
me
Nayther
to read that so
iv
manny valyable lives shud
war to Gin'ral
Grant, who was on'y forty. Whin th' Republican con-vintion was here I was par'lyzed to see th' son iv an old frind iv mine
come out on th' platform to make a speech.
I thought th' con-vintion had took a recess
an' they'd brought him in to intertain thim
wiih. a raycitation, or maybe he was a boy
iv been enthrusted durin' th'
soprano.
low,
it's
Says I to mesilf: 'Poor
too bad to
little fel-
make him do such thricks.
Infant proj idles niver come to anny good
end.
His mother ought to be ashamed iv
hersilf.'
that th'
But whin he spoke
rogue had a voice
little
I discovered
like
a throm-
bone an' instead iv singin' 'Silver Threads
Amongst th' Gould' he was debatin' a p'int
ON OLD AGE
65
iv ordher again' a vitrin iv th' Civil
who looked
"I
afraid iv him,
aftherwards
darlin'
was
War
lamed that
th'
a fam'ly^
th' father iv
th'
spiled
head
iv a dillygation, th' author iv siv'ral iv th'
most consarvitive planks in th' platform,
an' called Elihoo Root 'Elihoo/ th' same as
I do,
who
ar-re his akel.
"Middle age
be a miUion
is th'
on'y age.
If I live to
be as old as I was whin I
remimber well th' day whin
Father Time laid his hands on me. He'd
been foolin' with me hair f'r some time,
was
fifty.
I'll
I
whitenin' th' edges iv
it
an' pullin' out a
spear or two iv vigytation
But
I give
me
warnin'
attackt on
whin
I
got
him no heed
through
me
me
till
now
an'
thin.
he got tired iv
me head
mind
an'
made an
notice that I
well th' day
was no longer
me
time I was a
legs.
I
immortal.
"I've told ye that in
gran' futball player.
I
suppose
I
cud kick
a futball as fur as anny gun in th' wurruld
cud
fire
a
shell.
'Twas fr'm watchin' IPR
ON OLD AGE
66
kick that th' navy got their idee iv long-
Wan
distance shootin'.
th'
I
was out on
peerary an' I see a lot iv fellows playin'
Says I to thim: 'Stand
at futball.
boys, an' lave an
to do
won't
I'll
it.
ol'
kick
to'rds th' west so
into th' lake.
fall
"Thin, whin
now
was
all
aside,
champeen show ye how
it
betther get on a car
me
day
Some
iv
it
ye had
an' go afther
it.'
r-ready, I threw off
a mighty
much, th'
not more thin a yard or two,
coat, took a short run, an' give
I didn't miss th' ball be
kick.
spectators said,
but I missed it, an' a man fr'm Bamum's
circus come around th' nex' day an' offered
me
a large
sum
iv
money
cud repeat
I
if
in
public th' back smnmersault that I done.
He
said
it
was
witnessed.
iver
th'
mos' darin' act he had
Dock O'Leary, who
tinded me, said I landed on
niver
knew
I
me
had wan/ says
threme density has saved ye'er
'Am
pull
I mortally injured?' says
me
ye'er
through?' says
feet,,
I.
'I
that's all/ says he.
occyput.
at'
I
I.
'Its ex-
life,'
says he.
I.
'Can ye
can put ye on
'
Ye'll niver be
ON OLD AGE
same man ye were/ says
th*
a
common
'Ye have
I have it
he.
an' incurable disease.
Ye're middle aged.
mesilf.
67
It's
lucky
f'r
ye that 'twas on'y thiyin' to kick a futball that brought this on ye/ he says.
*Ye
might have
fallen in love/
up ye'er leg/ he
j&x
much
he says.
'I
can
do
says, 'but I couldn't
with ye'er heart/ he says.
"It was a gr-reat shock to me, an'
f'r
a
year or two I cast a gloom over ivry assimbly
that I wint into.
glint in th'
whin
I thought I see a greedy
eye iv Gavin,
I passed his place.
th'
undhertaker,
Whin
Mulligan, th'
marble cutter, came around to see
me
I
thought he was mixin' business with pleasure.
I
made me
I
tives.
will, cuttin' off
me
hung around Father Kelly
hopin' that he might dhrop a
chances, that th' good
away
if
wore
off an' I
man had
so
much,
about
to shoo
But grajally th'
become young again.
me
me
age, but I don't
feelin'
I ain't
when I will boast
mind telHn' ye I'm
arrived yet at th' time
me
liint
rili-
he wanted to take care iv annybod}^
in th' parish.
else
nearest
iv
"
ON OLD AGE
68
"I know how old ye ar-re to a second,"
Mr. Hennessy.
"0, do ye?" said Mr. Dooley. "Well,
said
Annyhow,
niver mind.
old
age isn't th'
worst thing that happens to man.
hasn't as
hasn't so
If
he
manny expectations as he had, he
manny years. A yomig fellow is
wam'd about a thousand
bother an old
man
at
things that don't
all.
IVhin
we
get
along in years we lose a lot in appytites, but
we don't miss thim. If we have no hopes
we have plisant mim'ries. Havin' larned
that I cudden't kick a futball, I no longer
I'm willin' to stand on th'
on while me frindly mim'ry
tells me pleasant lies about how good I was
in me day.
I no longer jump off a movin'
I have th' full value iv me nickel out
car.
iv th' heartless monopuly be holdin' th' car
want to kick
it.
side an' look
while I get
down wan
go to cross
th' sthreet to see
rU
'I
If I
Hogan
an' a
comes along, I say to
don't want to see Hogan at all,
flock iv autymobills
mesilf:
leg at a time.
go to see Hinnissy,'
ON OLD AGE
"I can
I'll
without fear iv en-
visit th' ladies
tanglemint,
less.
f'r if
I'm hopeless they're harm-
day whin
Fr'm what I've
I'm lookin' for-ard to
become avaricyous.
seî an' heerd, avarice
passion, an'
69
manny an
a
is
ol'
th'
absorbin'
fine,
fellow
is
as
happy
with his arm around his bank account as he
was
sleigh ridin'
best iv
all,
I
want
with his
first
girl.
to be a boss, an'
no
An',
man
can be a boss who's not undher two or over
fifty.
It's
a
fine thing to
be able to set back
have people appeal to ye f'r
an opinyon on something that ye don't know
ann3'thing about an' thin watch thim get
into throuble whin they foUow ye'er advice.
in a chair an'
Mamiy
a
man
that cudden't direct ye to
the dhrug store on th' comer whin he was
thirty will get a respictful hearin'
whin age
has further impaired his mind.
"Besides it don't seem that there ar-re
anny old men nowadays. It used to be
that a man iv fifty was thought to be too
seenile f'r anny useful wurruk.
But nowadays ye'll see dasliin' young la-ads iv sixty-
ON OLD AGE
70
five full iv
Boolgarian butthermilk wallopin*
a goluf ball aroun'
They take betther
th' lot.
care iv thiinsilves thin they used to.
ol'
days whin
But
immejately afther.
live long
In th'
their teeth wint they followed
enough afther
in our time they
their nachral set ar-re
gone to think iv their foster teeth as their
own.
ol'
Nawthia'
is
pleasanter
la-ad iv siviuty
fifteen balls in th'
who had
'I
strong tin cent seegars.
that day has gone by.
perfectos.
to see
just
run
an
off
break at pool sayin' to his
young companyon:
own
tliin
An
old
can't
I
I'll
smoke thim
cud wanst, but
have wan iv me
man
has to be care-
ful.'
"Very few old men iver get hurted in acThey take no chances. It's th'
cidents.
same as with sailors at sea. Thim that
laiow how to swim ar-re thim that get
drowned."
"Why,"
said
Mr. Hennessy; "ye'd give
annythin' to be twiuty-five agin."
"I wudden't," said Mr. Dooley.
I want to grow old again?"
shud
"Why
ON THE POWER OF MUSIC
"I ALWAYS told ye/' said Mr. Dooley,
'*that 'twas as a vocal entertainer that I
me frind Williun Jennings Bryan,
I am we're goin' to hear his meelo-
preferred
an' glad
jous voice on th' concert platform again.
th' good Lord has give a man th'
power iv speech in a volyum onknown in
ancyent or modhren times, it's a shame f'r
him to hide th' gift in a speechless job. To
Whin
make
go an'
iv State
a hod
AU
It's
was
this gr-reat
like turnin'
carrier.
It
barytone Sicrety
a nightingale into
was conthry to nature.
a Sicrety iv State has to do
is
to think.
a kind iv a menial job, beneath a
man
that has a harp in his throat with a hurricane
it, so that whin he aven breathes a
melody purrs fr'm his Hps an' whin he
behind
faint
utthers so much as a how-d'ye-do, 'tis as
though a mighty hand had slammed th'
sthrings
iv
a joynt
71
guitar.
There
ar-re
ON THE PO\VER OF MUSIC
72
plenty iv thinkers in th' world, poor fellows,
They have to do some-
with squeaky voices.
ame
thing to
hard Hvin'
it
a
So they think, an' a
livin'.
But
is.
there's niver
music to go around, an'
why shud
orkesthry iv sthring an' wind an'
brass be asked to pondher?
thrombone,
is th'
th'
is
Is
enough
a gr-reat
wood
th'
organ at th' audjiotoroom,
harp that wanst through Tara's
to
Melba sew,
Ye
dhray?
halls,
Patti
or Caruso dhrive a
bet they don't.
"Those who
tur-rble
Adehny
Does
think?
expicted
cook,
or
an'
shde
daj^s
Willum Jennings in those
whin he was discussm' th'
see
thri\yal dee-tails iv foolish threaties with
th'
bunco
steerers that
have been sintinced
be their governments to come over here as
ambassadures, were shocked at th' appearHis pictures
ance iv th' popylar favrite.
looked
Gazin'
thoughtful,
th'
camera, with a quill pen
his
brow
knitted, he
a gr-reat mind in
gloomy think
was
th'
fearlessly
m
his
hand
into
an'
th' Hvin' image iv
midst iv a large an'
an' caught off
liis
guard be a
73
shameless phottygrafter who had come upon
him onobsarved. But those who knew him
well saw a faraway look in his dhreamy eyes
that seemed to say: 'Oh, that I were out iv
this prison again an' tastin'
life
th'
glad, free
iv th' concert platform, with a sea iv
upturned faces lookin' at
spectacles,
an'
th'
th' ladies flutterin' th'
me, an'
me
me
Httle
through their
handkerchiefs iv
Chat-talky salute at
voice flying out an' meltin' th'
hearts iv th' aujience an' retumin' to nestle
in th' pouches iv
"He was
me own happy
wêll-threated.
ears.'
Th' vouchers
f'r
pay were cashed without a kick be Bill
McAdoo. He was inthrojooced to sivral
his
prom'nent ambassadures be
departmint.
th'
lawyer iv th'
An' as often as wanst a week
gintleman in th'
th' good, kind, onselfish ol'
White House ast him over an' pointed out
where he was to sign a docymint that had
been thoughtfully prepared
he was not happy.
Nobody
oblige with a melody.
him bumped him
f'r
him.
iver ast
Still
him
to
Th' people around
in th' hall.
Ivrybody he
74
met seemed indiff'rent to music. Week
afther week he set alone hummin' snatches
iv old orations till wan day he cud stand it
no longer. He up an' quit.
"Th' partin' between th' two ol' frinds
was pathetic. 'Must ye be goiu' so soon?'
says the Prisidint. *T\Tiy, yeVe on'y been
here three years, an' I've har'ly seen annything iv ye/ he says, openin' a letter. 'I
must/ says th' Sicrety iv State. 'Well,
Gawd bless ye, Willum. Tumulty, tell th'
gintleman that's waitin' I won't keep him a
minyit. WeU, Gawd bless ye, Willum.'
*Gawd bless ye. Dock.' Th' two great men
seized each other be both hands, but prompt
interference be th' polls previnted anny
actual vilence.
"So our hero bust
th' bars iv his gilded
cage, flew out into th' air, ht
on
th'
bough
iv a three, an' poored forth his bursting heart
to th' stars.
lark that
An' there he
Hogan
had too much.
is
now,
like th'
writes about whin he has
Though
sore an' while sore
is
singin' he's
iver smgin'.
always
Day afther
75
day he serenades liis former boss an' pupil
with a melody that sounds like 'Come into
th' garden, Dock, an' I'll dhrop a brick on
ye.'
"What
does he sing about?
Bible to music.
iv
war
f'r
th'
But
piccolo.
songs ar-re songs iv love.
line in th'
He's set th'
He's arrangin' th' articles
pa-aper an'
it
his principal
I r-read a
head
says: 'Misther Bry-
an discusses internaj^tional complications.'
'Well/ says I, 'I guess I can affoord to miss
But no/ thinks I; 'I will read it
if on'y to see to what extint this here bricklayin' job has damaged a gr-reat artist.'
Well, sir, wud ye believe it, he's come out
this
wan.
absolutely oninjured.
There
ain't
a crack
in his voice or a blot on his beautiful ideels.
There was niver a word in this ballad about
threaties, or agreements, th'
Hague
confer-
was [just
a sweet song. It was all about love. 'Ye
wish to hear me on th' subjick iv war an'
ence, or torpedoes, or Bilgium.
It
our foreign situations,' he says.
'Very
Profissor, th'
key
iv G,
if
ye plaze.
well,
Are ye
76
ON THE
PO\AnER
Let her go
ready ?
Love, love, love.
!
th'
wurruld
it
covers th' globe.
is
OF MUSIC
All
Soft an' sweet an' sticky
love.
It is
heerd fr'm th'
throats iv th' Httle sparrows in th' sthreets,
wind through th' pines,
swash iv th' waves that break on th'
shores iv Lake Chat-talky (where I appear
week endin' July fifteen), in th' cry iv th'
in th' flight iv th'
in the
shrapnel whirlin' over th' threnches, in th'
cooin' iv th'
pnoomatic guns
squirtin' their
wealth iv green an' goolden gas.
body.
I
love th'
Kaiser,
th'
Japan, th' Sultan iv Turkey,
Champ
I love ivry-
Mikado
Tom
iv
Ryan,
Clark, th' reptile press, an' th' in-
famious conspiracy iv^WaU Sthreet criminals
me
that has skinned
out iv th' prisidincy
three times runnin'.'
"WeU,
sir,
whin I heard
this magnificint
an' statesmanlike appeal to th'
people,
who had
just took off their coats an'
came to me
grabbin' Gin'ral von Hin-
were squarin' away,
eyes an' I
felt like
denburg around
American
th' tears
th' waist an' waltzin' out
into th' consarvatory with him.
Th'
effect
:
77
pow'rful utthrance was instantanLord Kitchener tilly-grafted to Charlie
Schwab I've been so affected be th' wurruds
this
iv
yous.
'
Thomas J. O'Brien
name right) that I've
iv ye'er peerless leader
(if
our papers gets th'
made up me mind
ended at wanst.
f'r
this hijous
war must be
So plaze cancel th' order
two miUyon sixteen-inch
Make
shells.
five millyon eighteen-inch an' be sure ye
them
full iv th' juice.'
it
fiU
Th' German Impror
announced that th' message iv Willum Jennings Bryan had melted his heart. He was
sorry he hadn't been more neighborly iv late
with his English cousins an' he'd ordhered
a
fleet iv
Zeppelins to call on thim an'
pay
his respicts.
An' all th' other nations iv
Europe that hadn't got into th' riot, now
saw that their attichood might be mistook
an' voted to make th' war unanimous.
Such
is th' effect iv th' human voice on th' human
heart.
" Mind ye, I don't
want ye to go away with
th' idee that I don't think
Bryan
is
a thoughtful man.
WUlum
Jennings
Haven't
I ^-oted
78
him more times thin I've voted f'r amiywan but Carther Haitch? I voted f'r him
whin votin' f'r him was wan way iv proclaim-
f'r
pay me
him whin 'twas th'
to th' wurruld that I cudden't
in'
room
same
me
I voted f'r
rint.
as tellin' th' groceryman that he gave
There
credit at his peril.
room
f'r all th'
plenty iv
thoughts in th' wurruld un-
der that splendid dome.
to exercise
is
thim
it's
If
own
his
he doesn't care
He
business.
thim an' sings thim to sleep.
Wanst in a while he lets wan out f'r a romp.
Th' little crather comes thrippin' into th*
entertains
wurruld where rough people knock
an'
stamp on
it
creeps into its
it
an'
is
little
it
time while
it
on
was
cot in th' organ loft
in an' tucked
silver that
out;
it
down
back an'
calls it
niver seen or heerd again.
loose a thought
it
he
an' thin
had an
He
let
excitin'
but long ago he hauled
Thin
away.
I
remimber
he released a thought about th' govermint
ownin' th' railroads.
th'
It
was chased back to
Ku Klux
conservatory iv music be th'
an' hasn't
aven showed
its
face at th' win-
dow
Th' other day he
since.
I
little idee.
hope no harm
let
will
79
out a pretty
come
to
it.
'Tis nawthin' less thin startin' a polis foorce
to prevint war.
organization iv
th'
an internaytional
coppers to keep th' peace in
Yes,
sir,
rowdy neighborhood
How'U they be ar-rmed?
question.
th'
wurruld.
What a
foohsh
They'll be ar-rmed with love, iv
Who'll
coorse.
iv
pay thim?
That's
a
fi-
nancyal deetail that can be arranged later
on.
What'U happen if wan iv th' roughf'r a gim?
Don't bother me
necks reaches
with
thrifles.
"Th'
this:
gin'ral idee as
All
is
him
an'
me
see
it is
quiet at th' headquarters iv th'
internajiîonal
peace
Th' chief iv pohs
roses playin' a
is
polis
at
settin' in
Chat-talky.
a bower iv
mandoHn whin a snow-white
pigeon flutthers through th' window.
There
a pink ribbon around its neck. Th' chief
onties it an' finds a message that reads:
'Pancho Villa is on th' loose agin. He has
filled himself up with paint an' is out with a
Winchester shootin' up th' bordher.' Th'
is
ON THE POAVER OF MUSIC
80
chief calls th' resarves.
Th' peace bulls in
unyfonns iv crame-colored pongee silk an'
carryin' bunches iv f'rget-me-nots, turn out
an' throt to th' scene iv th' disturbance at
a double-quick.
They
find Pancho, but in-
stead iv slammin' th' desprit patriot over
head with a walnut log an' dhraggin'
him be wan ankle to th' wagon, which is
th' custom iv some peace agents I know, they
shower him with petals fr'm their bokays.
Th' sergeant disarms him with a melting
th'
whispers something soothing in his
smooths his hair, fixes his tie, an' maybe
kisses him on th' forehead.
An' that's th'
end iv th' throuble.
"It sounds all right to me. It ain't th'
look;
ear,
way
I've
but a
seen polls business thransacted,
little
more tinderness
in dealin' with
rough an' petulant might not be out iv
place.
Th' worst that cud happen wud be
th'
more pohsmen wud be
" An' there ye ar-re.
'twill
wan
succeed or not.
thing I
am
kilt.
I don't
I
know whether
hope so.
But
afraid iv, Hinnissy.
there's
Ye
see,
81
me boy, th' wurruld is a pretty old hunk of
mud an' wickedness, an' I've been here a
long time an' I've observed this sad thruth.
Ye
don't have to lend a
man money.
Ye
amuse him; ye don't have to
if he's sick; ye don't have
to do annything f'r him but wan thing."
"An' what's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
don't have to
take care iv him
"If he wants to fight ye, ye've got to ac-
commodate him,"
said
Mr. Dooley.
—
ON THE DESCENT OF MAN
"What
ar-re
readin'?"
3ê
asked
Mr.
Heniiessy.
"A
comical
piece
little
pa-aper on th' Descent iv
"Ye
Dooley.
Sunday
Man/' said Mr.
in
th'
get a good dale iv knowledge
out iv th' pa-apers whin ye're not lookin' f r
an' a fellow that's paid five cents to find
it,
if
is
Gyp
Blood spint his vacation,
he doesn't stop there but goes on r-readin',
H'ble to end up as an idjacated man.
out where
th'
" Maybe ye'd
Hke
me
to read ye something
out iv this here fable in slang.
Well, thin,
'Such habits not on'y
listen to th' pro-fissor:
tended to develop the motor cortex
itsilf/
he
says, 'but thrained th' tactile an' th' kin
th'
kin
ye —
—
—^pronounce anny way ye plaze
I'll
spell
it
f'r
^k-i-n-a-e-s-
t-h-e-t-i-c
senses an' linked
up
their cortical areas in
bonds iv more intimate assocyations with
th' visyool cortex
'"
82
"What kind
iv a language is
83
that?" Mr.
Hennessy interrupted.
"It's scientific language/' said
"I've been thryin' to wurruk
Mr. Dooley.
it
out mesilf
with th' aid iv a ditchnry, but I cudden't
put
together
it
great
at
these
till
Dock
puzzle
who's
O'Lear}^,
come
pitchers,
in.
Fr'm what he
said I guess that th' pro-fissor
that wrote
meant
man
it
to say that th' raison
betther thin th' other animals
is
cause iv what's in his head.
much
society
medals
an'
f'r
iver ast
me
have
sayin'
it.
time on th' program.
*
Fellow pro-fissors, th'
me
is
be-
But
me to go befure a lamed
befure an' have often said
nobody has
is
I suspicted as
chest
so.
dhraped with
I cudden't
fill
All I cud say
up me
wnd
tiling that give
ye
be:
an',
a shade over th' squrl an' th' grasshopper
that
we have more marrow
Thankin' ye again
I will
now
f'r
in th' bean.
ye'er kind attintion,
lave ye while ye thranslate this
almost onfathomable thought into a lan-
guage that on'y a dhrug clerk can undherstand.'
84
"Fr'm what Dock O'Leary says, this here
profissor has seen Darwin an' histed him a
couple iv billyon years.
If
ye'd hke to hear
about
ye.
Well, thin, it was this
way: Some time befure th' big fire, whin I
was wurrukin' f 'r AluUaney, th' conthractor,
dhrivin' a team, a fellow be th' name iv Darvnn come along an' made a monkey iv man.
He showed that th' principal diff'rence between us an' th' little frinds iv Italy was that
wê had lost our tails.
We had to lave th'
it I'll tell
old entailed estates an' th' ancesthral
bamboo
where our fam'ly had spint so many
happy millyons iv years an' come down to
earth an' be men. Our first ancestor had
threes
his tail docked,
an',
member which was
rapid thransit an'
gintleman cud no
branch iv
at wanst his
liis
off
sîng fr'm
th'
amuse
th' childher
thim, but had to go to
larn to
manicured his front
iv
old
In ordher to apply
was forced to
manes
aisy chair, th'
longer
th' three an'
be pickin' things
wurruk.
havin' lost this here
f'r
walk an' to
feet an'
a job he
talk.
He
made hands
iv
85
thim, an', so he cud win th' affections iv th'
fail;
he was compelled to shed his comforta-
buy
ble an' nachral hairy coat an'
Th' fam'ly all took afther
improved on him through
clothes.
man
an'
th' cinchries,
till
th' old
to-day ye have th' magnificent jooks ye see
all
ar-round ye, dliressed up in quare gar-
mints,
puttin'
crowns, runnin'
on supeeryor
airs,
f'r office, killin'
wearin'
each other,
dancin' th' turkey throt, an' gin'rally be-
havin' so foohsh that whin th' father iv a
monkeys sees a human bein' comin' along in th' woods he calls out: 'Mother,
bring th' Httle wans to th' end iv this branch.
fam'ly iv
Here comes wan iv our poor relations who
f'r a livin'.
He wud've been
has to wurruk
just as well off as
we
squandered their
on
his
ar-re
tails.
if
his fam'ly hadn't
Dhrop a cocynut
head an' see him jump.
Ain't he the
funny sight?'
"I can well remimber how hot ivr^^body
was agan Darwin on account iv what he
WTote. Nobody had been very proud iv
Adam as an uncesthor, but still ye cud put up
86
with him
if
ye took into account that he was
with new problems an' was th'
dalin'
But
married man.
it
hurted a good
first
manny
proud people to think that but f'r th' luck
iv th' game they might all be up in Lincoln
park makin' faces through
boys an'
cated fr'm
been
manny
an'
in,
th' glass at little
So Darwin was excjmiuni-
girls.
a church that he'd niver
expelled fr'm th' Knights iv
Pythias, an' gin'rally threated as he desarved
But afther awhile people
begun to take more kindly to th' idee an' to
say: 'Well; annyhow; it's more comfortable
to feel that we're a slight improvement on a
f'r
a long time.
monkey
such a
thin
F'r awhile
angels.
it
fallin'
if
we are on our way/
about
it.
An'
th' presS; so
th'
fr'm
looked as though
weren't holdin' our own.
as
off
But now
an' thought
monkeys had no
it
th'
we
looks
no more
access to
they cudden't write in kickin'
letthers signed 'Indignant
Moiikey' or
th*
like iv that.
"But
Darwin
this pro-fissor has
gone further thin
in pui'sooin' our lineege
down
to its
He
disgraceful start.
iv old
town
records,
87
has run acrost a lot
marredge
certyficates,
on an' has discovered
birth registhers, an' so
that our original proginitor; th' bo}^ that give
us our jDUsh tords respectabiHty, th'
number
th'
iv th' fam'ly that
first
moved uptown,
survivor iv th' Fort Dearborn massacree,
pilgrim
th'
father
that
came out
iv
th'
jungle, th' foimdher iv th' fam'ly fortune
—^what d'ye think?
Ye'U niver guess if
ye a thousand guesses. It was th'
jumpm' shrew iv South America. It's as I
was
I give
tell
ye.
Here ye see
befure ye'er eyes:
jumpin' shrew.'
it
'Man
in black an' white
descinded fr'm th'
Hence our sunny
tions an' th' presint campaign.
disposi-
I niver
cud
fr'm th'
why if mankind come down
monkey we weren't more janyal.
But now
I
undherstand
that
stiU
makes us
"Yes,
know.
coorses
It's th' old
shrew blood
through our veins that
so cross with each other.
sir;
this la-ad
with th' aid iv a
microscope, a knife, an' perhaps a dhream
book has thraced us back to
this inthrestin'
88
crather.
little
Prob'ly ye niver see a jumpin'
Ye wudden't ?
shrew.
There ar-re very few
But
jiunpin' shrews in this neighborhood.
back in
th' old estate in
South Africa they
numerous an' highly respicted. Manny
mimbers iv th' original branch iv our
fam'ly still Hve in th' homes iv our ancistors
an' keep up th' thraditional customs like th'
old fam'Hes iv Boston.
This scientific dock
ar-re
iv th'
us a plazin' pitcher iv their Hves.
gives
'These three shrews/ says he, 'ar-re small
squrl like animals which feed
on insects an'
AVhhi feedin' they often set on their
fruit.
man-
hauncheS; holdin' their food, afther th'
ner iv squrls; in their front paws.'
There,
Hinnissy, ye have a view iv ye'ersilf as ye
were befure
th' flood.
ye were descinded fr'm
an'
manny
is th'
Ye've often told
me
th' kings iv Ireland,
time I've wondhered
how
ye'd look in a soot iv ir'n an' bull skin, settin'
on a horse, holdin' on to
wan hand an' to a spear
But
I
injye
more
th'
th'
vnth.
mane with
th'
other.
thought iv ye
still
further back, perched on th' branch iv a
89
three makin' a light lunch iv a peanut an'
an
Some day I'm
ant.
goin' to take a step-
laddher an' go to South Africa an' visit
An'
why
be the name iv Jones
will
these relations iv ye'ers an' mine.
not?
If
a
man
money
spind
thryin' to prove that he's de-
scinded fr'm a cillibrated holdup
same name
why
in th' reign iv
man
iv th'
Queen Elizabeth
shudden't he look up his
th'
rilitives,
jumpin' shrews iv South Africa, an' be took
over th' fam'ly risidence be a caretaker,
a
shilHn', an' see
where
f'r
jook died de-
th' ol'
findm' his threasures iv huckleberries an'
weevils agamst th' night attack iv th' ant
eater an' th'
why.
banded armydillo?
An' why, now that
thraced out th'
fam'ly
name?
jumpin'
line,
Be
shrews.
this
"But
exchange
we'd
There's
a
wud
all
enough in lookin'
all
f'r
our
th'
be called
chance
f'r
a
iv
welcome.
I don't think this here prof
shrews ar-re
has
we resume
shuden't
rights
h}^hen there that manny a mimber
th' stock
me
Tell
prof
start.
right enough,
wint far
Th' jumpin'
but what come
90
befure
them?
Accordin' to this article
it's
har'ty tliirty billyon years since this gallant
hopped up a
Uttle fellow first
we
to
f'rget
our
arlier
about th' patient lobster,
th' cheerful jelly fish, an'
three.
Ar-re
ancestors?
"V^Tiat
th'
ca'm eyesther,
back through
th'
cincluies th' first onobtrusive microbe; an'
befm'e that th' viggytables, an' befure thim
th'
mud
at th'
bottom
Rash,
iv th' sea?
upstart jmnpin'
that
it's
shrevv^, d'ye niver rahze
an own cousin ye're atm' fried on
th' beefsteak an'
maybe a
shovelful iv th'
barrow
original stock ye're hurlin' into th'
to give a ride
"But
always
down
dump ?
don't feel bad about
wan
'
There's
comes out ivry week
in
They're usually not thrue.
I
scientific facts that
there niver
was a Dooley that
a three, because I niver see
climb a three.
Diwle
it.
encouragin' thing about th' sad
th' pa-apers.
know
to th'
wan
lived in
that cud
An' amiyhow I don't
th' bit iv attintion I give to
lookin' at a glass iv
glass an' guessm'
a
care.
fellov\^
wather through an eye-
what happened
in
South
Africa eighty-three
blame
ye, I don't
make
us
all
—
lerns, an* th'
same
th'
bill3'ôn
tliis
f'r
to
thi^yin'
Dooleys, an' th' Honezol-
Vere de Veres
fam'ly.
Mind
years ago.
dock
91
His name
—^members iv
is
Smith.
th'
But
if
he'd f'rget about th' origin iv th' race an'
us not where
tell
man comes
he's goin' to I'd take
fr'm but where
an intherpeter aroun'
an' hsten to him."
"These men ar-re inimies iv rehgion,"
Mr. Hemiessy.
"P'raps," said Mr. Dooley. "But they'U
niver be dangerous ontil some wan comes
said
along
an'
Enghsh.
thranslates
An'
their
lectures
I don't think there's
that cud be done."
into
a chance
ON THE fflGHER BASEBALL
"D'ye
go to a base-ball game?"
iver
asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Not now,"
got
said
th' intellick f'r
Mr. Dooley.
it.
fellow nawthin' plazed
go out
Whin
me
I
betther thin to
to th' ball grounds, get
seat in th' sun, take off
"I haven't
was a young
me
a good cosy
collar an' coat
buy a bottle iv pop, not so much,
mind ye, f'r th' refrishment, because I niver
was much on pop, as to have something
handy to reprove th' empire with whin he
Not only that,
give an eeronyous decision.
me boy, but I was a fine amachure ballplayer mesilf.
I was first baseman iv th'
Prairie Wolves whin we beat th' nine iv
an'
Injine
Company
dherd
an'
twinty-five.
started just
mornm'
an'
five
eight
four-
hun-
hundlierd
an'
be a scoor iv
three
to
was very close. Th' game
afthcr lov;, mass on a Sundah
was called on accomit iv darkIt
92
ON THE HIGHER BASEBALL
ness at th'
knocked
end
iv
fourth inning.
th'
93
I
over th' fence into Don-
th' ball
ovan's coal yard no less thin twelve times.
young fellow
Whin I was his age
All this talk about this here
Baker makes me smile.
I wudden't count annything but home-runs.
If it wasn't a home-run I'd say:
'Don't
mark it down' an' go back an' have another belt at th' ball. Thim were th' days.
"We
usen't
think
to
base-ball
was a
No man was very good at it that
was good at annything else. A young fellow
that had a clear eye in his head an' a sthrong
pair iv legs undher him an' that was onaisy
in th' close atmosphere iv th' school room,
science.
an' didn't like th' pro-fissyon iv
was hke
home
plumbing
He come
dimon in his shirt
hands on him that looked
as not to join a ball team.
in th' fall with a
front an' a pair iv
like th'
boughs iv a three that's been sthruck
be hghtenin' an' he was
borhood
till
his
hero in th' neigh-
dimon melted
But 'tis
to drivin' a thruck.
nowadays.
th'
To be a
an'
he took
far different
ball-player
a
man
94
has to have a jojait
ball; th'
give
pa-apers calls
bram
Inside base-
intilleck.
it, is
so deep that it'd
fever to a pro-fissor iv asthronomy
to thiy to figure
Each wan
out.
it
iv these
here mathjinatical janiuses has to carry a
thousand mysteeiyous signals in his head
an' they're changed iviy day an' sometimes
in th'
th'
middle iv
poor
fellovv'S.
In
were through wdth
I'm so sony
game.
th'
th' old
th'
game they'd maybe
sthray over to th' Dutchman's
iv beer.
Now
study an' spind
they huriy
th'
f'r
days whin they
f'r
home
a pint
to their
a\mm' poorin' over books
iv allgibera an' thrig}momethiy.
"How
last night
do I know? Hogan was in here
with an article on th' 'Mysthries
It's be a larned man.
Here
Th' ordhinaiy observer or lunk-head
iv base-ball.'
it is:
who Imows nawthin' about base-ball excipt
what he larned be plajdn' it; has no idee that
th'
game
as played to-day,
most
intliricate
kind.
In
sciences
is
wan
kno\Mi
th' first place th' plajêr
an absolute masthiy iv
th'
to
iv th'
man-
must have
theeiy iv ballistic
motion. This
A
er.
matics
most
known
fr
Wliat
th' position.
is
as th' spit-ball on account
procures his effects
wan
iv th' pitch-
knowledge in mathy-
homely way
iv th'
thme
especially
exact
required
is
vulgarly
is
95
which
in
op'rator
th'
in fact a solution iv
is
most inthricate problems in meTh' puipose iv th' pitcher is to
iv th'
chanics.
project th' projectyle so that at a pint be-
tween
batsman
his position an' th'
dincy to pro-ceed on
way
its
th' tin-
be coun-
will
theracted be an impulse to return whence
batsman is,
methods th' prob-
Th' purpose iv
come.
it
afther judgin' be scientific
th'
able coorse or thrajecthry iv th' missile to
oppose
with sufficyent foorce at
it
moment
an' at th'
retard
to
its
most
th'
proper
efficient point, first
forward movement, thin to
correct th' osseylations an' fin'ly to propel
it
in a direction approximately opposite fr'm
its original
progress.
is
technically
on
th'
known
nose (or bugle).'
iv cases
which
I
This, I
as
am
'bustin'
informed,
th'
ball
In a gr-reat number
observed
th'
experiment
96
batsman
iv th'
an'
failed
empire was
th'
obliged so to declare, th' ball havin' actually-
crossed th' plate but eluded th' (intended)
In other cases where no blow was
blow.
attimpted or aven meditated I noted that
empire erred an' in gin'ral I must de-
th'
an
plore
astonishin' lack in thrained scien-
observation on th' part iv this officyal.
tific
He made
an' I
was not surprised
man who
had
in
to larn fr'm a gintle-
me
set next to
the
Mammoth Cave iv
me best to show me
unscientific
hittin'
him over
an'
th'
life
as a fish
Kentucky.
I
disapproval iv
infamous methods be
head with me imibrella
as he left th' grounds.
th'
that he (th' empire)
spint th' arly part iv his
thried
his
a niunber iv grievous blundhers
At
th'
requist iv
editor iv th' magazine I intherviewed
Misther Bugs MulUgan
Kangaroos afther
th'
th'
game.
pitcher iv th*
I found
th'
cHlybrated expert in th' rotundy iv th' Grand
Palace Hotel where he was settin' with other
players poHshin' his finger nails.
him
my
notes on th'
game
I
r-read
an' he expressed
his approval
addin' with a
iv enthusyasm:
a dhnim.'
at laste
*Bo, ye have a head Uke
I requested
goin' statement
show
97
him
to sign th' fore-
but he dedined remarkin'
that th' last time he wrote his
name he
game
sprained his wrist an' was out iv the
a week.
f'r
"What'd
game
come away with a narvous
headache. No, sir, whin I take a day off,
I take a day off.
I'm not goin' to a baseball game.
I'm goin' to take a bag iv
I be doin' at th' likes iv a
like that?
I'd
peanuts an'
chimical
spind
labrytory
an afthernoon
down
at
th'
coUedge
th'
where there's something goin' on
at
I
can un-
dhrstand."
"Oh, sure," said Mr. Hennessy, "if 'twas
as mysteryous as all that how cud Tom
Donahue's boy Petie larn it that was fired
fr'm th' Brothers School because he cuddn't
add?"
"WeU,
I dinnaw," said
thought iv
it th' last
I'd been readin'
an
Mr. Dooley, "I
time he was in here.
article
be Pro-fissor Slap7
98
good an' I har'ly knew how to addhress th'
young scientist though 'tis not so many
years since I chased him
iv th'
iv
him
place with
since
he
away fr'm
left
home
so I says: 'I sup-
pose ye've studied hard/ says
seen ye
last.'
I says,
in front
I'd lost thrack
th' hose.
'How
'since I
I,
long a coorse
ye enthered
th' pro-fissyon?' seys I. 'Put 'em lower/
'Th' sun's in me eyes/ he seys.
seys he.
'Well/ says I; 'where did ye larn base-ball?'
'In th' back yard with a bed slat
I says.
iv science did ye take befure
an' a woolen ball/ he says.
'Thin
it isn't
thrue ye wint to Heidleberg whin ye
here?' says
I.
left
'I niver heerd iv th' team.
I wint as substichoot sicond base on th'
Barj^boo nine an' thin was thraded to Cedar
Eapids/ he
says. 'This here
'seys ye pitch a wonderful
pa-aper/ seys
ball that
I,
ye pre-
jooce be disturbin' th' relations iv th' radjois
iv th' ball to th' circmnference, ' seys
about
it?'
in' to tell
ol' spitter.
'It's
I.
'How
thrue/ seys he. 'He's thry-
ye in simple language about
Ye see it's this way, ol' hoss.
th'
On
some days
can peg
I
it
so
it
99
crosses the turkey-
a poached egg an' Ty Cobb cudden't
That's th' day
hit it with a snow-shovel.
Thin another
I've got th' smoke onto it.
like
day whin
I feel just as good, ivrjrthing I
toss across looks like a
What's
electhric hghts.
wrote
fellow, that
in'?'
says he.
f 'r ?
says
it
'
wliin I
'
I.
do
I
it
don't,' says he.
th'
th' article
name
iv that
ye was read-
'What d'ye want to know
want to find out how I do
an'
why
I ast
he said
iv battin';
thrunk covered with
it
I don't do it whin I
him about th' science
was in hittm' on'y th'
mathymaticks
iv fieldin' was niver to thry to catch a ground
ball with th' ankle or a fly ball with th' nose.
'Whin,' says I, 'd'ye pitch best?'
'A day
His idee iv
good wans.
or two,' says he,
thract,'
he
seys.
It is simple
'befure I sign
I asked
but severe.
goes to diimer.
th'
about his
His dinner
summons
to th' game.
he goes to supper.
con-
thrainin'.
Afther breakfast he
is
therupted in th' middle iv the
th'
me
usually infifth pie
Afther th'
be
game
Afther supper he
sits
—
100
in a rockin' chair in front iv th' hotel
till
bed whin him an'
th'
th'
manager goes
to
other athleets sojourn to a rathskellar.
m
invaryably
is
gets up.
bed befure
In return
f 'r all
th'
their sufferin' these
heroes ar-re threated like white slaves.
sal'ry is
He
manager
His
on'y nine thousan' dollars a year
an' f'r this he
is
often compelled to pitch
ev'ry other week.
"That's
ye
now
cud get out iv him an' there
know no more about th' subjeck
all I
I
ar-re.
at th' end iv
me
investigation thin I
did before.
"Annyhow
whether
'tis
thinks or th'
'tis
a gr-rand game, Hinnissy,
played th'
way
Petie
way
th'
lamed
pro-fissor
to play it in
wondher if
Th' two gr-eat
it's th' way he's stiU playm'.
American spoorts are a good deal alike
th'
back yard an'
sliiiddent
I
pollyticks an' base-baU.
be pro-fissyonals,
th'
They're both played
teams
ar-re r-run
be
fellows that cudden't tlu"ow a base-ball or
stuff
a ballot-box to save their lives an' ar-re
on'y intherested in countin' up th' gate re-
ceiptS; an' here ar-re
we
settin'
101
out in th*
sun on
th' bleachin' boords, payin'
money
f'r th'
our good
spoort, hot an' uncomfortable
but happy, injying ivry good play, hootin'
bad wan,
ivry
knowin'
play an' not
th' inside
about
nawthin'
carin',
in th' cry iv 'Kill th' empire.'
but
all jinin'
They're both
grand games."
"Speakia' iv pollyticks," said Mr. Hennessy,
"who
"Afther
said
d'ye think'll be ilicted?"
looldn'
th'
candydates
Mr. Dooley, "an' studyin'
fications
carefully
I
can't
over,'*
their quali-
thruthfuUy say
that I see a prisidintial possibility in sight."
7.T'r>'r> A
T>-Y
ON HEROES AND HISTORY
"There's on'y wan
me allow
tiling
that
wud make
American
people, an' that is it don't last long. A few
columns in th' newspaper, a speech in Congress; assault an' batthry be a mob in th'
sthreet, a flatthi'in' offer f r'm a dime museem,
an' thin ye sink back into th' discard an' are
mesilf to be a hero to th'
not mintioned again onless ye get into
jail,
whin ye have a more extinded notice thin
je to.
Hogan
says,
why shud th' spirit
"Oh, as
Many's th' hero I've
iv mortal be proud?
known in me day gin'rals, admirals, polismen, firemen, prize-fighters, pedesthreens,
ye'er crime entitles
—
bicycle riders, actors, authors, conkerers iv
where are
Dowai in th' coal
thirty quails in thirty days, an'
they now,
cellar iv th'
I'll
ask ye?
HaU
iv
Fame
with th' rest iv us
polthroons.
"Histhry wiU do thim justice, says ye?
needn't be too sure about that. Don't
Ye
102
103
make any foolish bets on histhry. Like a
good many people that I know, th' Muse iv
Histhry, as Hogan wud say, has a long
mim'ry but 'tis inaccrate. 'Tis like a cousin
mine that cud remimber things that happened forty years ago, but they were niver
A httle while ago there was a fellow
so.
iv
come over here that wrote a histhry iv Rome.
This country, they tell me, is like Rome, an'
is goin' to have th' same ending because iv
th' large
Eyetalyan popylation in both.
"Anyhow, all I know about Rome is what
Hogan has told me, an' he was always boostin'
up Joolyus Cayzar
to me.
I got
an idee
fr'm Hogan's talk that Joolyus Cayzar was
a fine man; a
ladies,
but a
most make
It
little
fine
gay,
mind
ye, with th'
An' Hogan cud
man.
al-
me cry tellin' me about his death.
seems that he was warned iv what was
comin'.
Th' night befure, a comet appeared
but he cud not believe it had anny-
in th' sky,
thing to do with him.
A
An' no more
plasther iv Paris bust
an' instead iv takin'
it
fell off th'
wud
I.'
mantel,
as a tip he discharged
104
th'
hired girl. A ragged man stopped
at th'
him
dure an' warned him not to go to th'
'Ye are addhressin'
Sinit.
says Cayzar.
dures down.'
wrong party/
th'
Ham
'J.
Lewis hves two
So he wint to
Sinit an'
th'
gathered around him pretindin'
th' Sinitors
him
have a pettyshun
boord iv
thrade f'r Michael J. Mulroon to be coUictor
iv intamal rivnoo/ he says, sticldn' Cayzar
to ask
here/ says
jobs.
f'r
wan
with a knife.
'I
iv thim, 'fr'm th'
'I
will file
says Cayzar.
'This
mintioned
week/ says
last
is
it
f'r
am
him
man
not illegible/ says Cayzar.
is
"This wint on
afther
f'r
I
th' invious Casia,
jabbin'
in th' ribs.
refrence/
matther
th' little
'I
afraid ye'er
some time, wan
another takin' part
in
th'
Sinitor
debate
while Cayzar continued to glance through
But fin'Uy a young
that Cayzar had adopted stepped
corryspondence.
his
fellow
forward an' dlirove a soord into him.
say that Cayzar was surprised
it
mildly.
wan
He was
expicts to be
is
To
to express
deepl}^ chagrined.
No
murdhered be an adopted
Cayzar almost
an'
child,
Wliat he said
his temper.
doesn't exactly remim-
but 'twas ayether 'An' ye, Brutus/ or
ber,
*
Hogan
lost
105
Brutus, ye too,' or 'Well, what d'ye tliink
Annyhow he
that?'
iv
folded
around him an' passed away.
An'
his
th'
robe
Roman
popylace broke into th' Sinit an' gathered
up
desks, stationery, franks, seeds,
chairs,
an' letters an'
made a bone
fire iv
thim an'
burned Cayzar's body in it. An' whin Cayzar's will was opened 'twas found that he'd
left
all
his
money
to give free circuses an'
parks to th' people instead iv givia'
it
to
An' if he'd spint
thim while he was alive.
it on th' Sinit he might've been aHve to this
day.
"There's th' story as
readin'
it
in
books an'
Hogan
says
fr'm
seein' it acted at th'
Halsted Sthreet Opry House.
fissor iv histhry
tells it
But
this pro-
Hogan is all wrong.
means th' tulip
*Joolyus Cayzar was be no
he
is
pitchered be historyans nearer his time
thin mesilf ,' says he.
away
'
Th' further ye get
fr'm anny peeryod th' betther ye can
106
write about
it.
Ye
are not subjict to inter-
ruptions be people that were there.
I
wud
not undertake to WTite a histhry iv Peorya in
nineteen hundherd an' eight, but
if ye want
news from Rome two thousand
years ago, hand me that fountain pen. Far
fr'm bein' a gr-reat man, Joolyus Cayzar was
a pretty ordhinry charackter. He was always
out f'r th' money. All iv his alleged wars
were carrid on to help th' grocery business iv
Rome that he was a secret pardner in. He
was a mean, close-fisted man. He done
Cicero out of his house be threatenin' to
th'
latest
build a liv'ry stable next dure to
buyin'
it
it,
an' thin
cheap, an' his throuble with
Pom-
pey come fr'm sellin' his old chum a horse
that he swore anny child cud dhrive, an' that
run away with Mrs. Pompey in Centhral
Park, an' smashed Pompey's best two-seated
chariot.
He was
killed
in
a barroom be
Brutus, a worthless fellow that he'd adopted
to get hold iv his money.
th'
It
Th' real hero iv
peeryod was Marcus Mephitus Jenks.
was Jenks that th' glory an' grandeur iv
Rome
is
due
It
to.
was Jenks who won
Jenks that reformed
battles,
an' Jenks that
was a modest
th'
almanac,
th'
th' laws.
But Jenks
He had no
press agent.
modeled
hero.
107
Sthrange to say, I can find no contimpry
Jenks but a few vulgar jokes.
rifrences to
But he was a great man.
Now
clouds iv calumy has rolled
away
me
that th'
gives
it
great pleasure to say that Jenks, not
Cayzar, was th' boy.
me
"'In
man
estimation, th' next
gr-reatest
thim days was Nero. A coorse
grown up against Nero. No
iv
prejudice has
wan names
which
I
childher afther
think
is
fr'm bein' th' monsther he
be,
Nero was a
fellow,
to
like
quite,
manny
is
Far
supposed to
cultivated
yoimg
another with th'
mim'ry condimmed
loathing an' horror because he played
violin.
Except f'r this he was not a
same
th'
who,
him anny more,
a gr-reat mistake.
tastes has
had
his
detistable charackter.
he set
fire
to
Rome.
iv our modliren cities,
It is not thrue that
Rome was
an'
like
wan
undoubtedly
it
108
caught
fr'm cinders fr'm a passing lo-
fire
Nawthin' cud be more unjust
comotive.
to this amiable charackter thin to suggist
that he was an innimy iv relligon.
thruth
is,
that he practised
principles iv relligon,
are betther dead.
I
wan
which is that th' good
view with contempt th'
fable that he pizened his mother.
coveries in
far
more
Th'
th' first
if
modhren
Th'
show that
science
disit's
likely she perished iv appindic5i;is.
Besides, th' fam'ly ties were
Moreover,
those days.
acknowledge that in
let
th'
much
looser in
us be just an'
coorse iv nature,
lady had not much longer to live,
annyhow, an' she may have been an exactin'
th' old
housekeeper, while her illusthrees son had
a bachelor, which he was fr'm
th' habits iv
time to time.'
"An' there ye
are,
Hinnissy.
know what Histhry is goin'
here
stirrin'
How
times that we're
livin'
few thousands iv years fr'm now a
fr'm
th'
New
Zealand, as
roons iv th' Fort
do you
to say about these
Hogan
in?
A
visitor
says, surveyin'
Wayne
freight house
r
109
fr'm a broken arch iv Jackson sthreet bridge,
may
run acrost a copy iv
Daily Bazoo,
th'
America
an' write a story iv th' state iv
nineteen hundherd an' nine:
in
'Th' principal
occypations iv th' people were murdher, divoorce,
racin',
lynching,
prize-fightin',
Marathon
abduction, burglary, an' Salomying.
Ivrybody was
stealin'
A
lay their hands on.
aim}i.hing they cud
naygur
prize-fighter
havin' baten a white prize-fighter, an almost
univarsal
th'
demand
renowned James
th' seclusion iv his
th'
arose fr'm
Senegambyan.
J. Jeffries
all
classes
f
to issue fr'm
saloon an' put a head on
So intent were
th'
peo-
ple on their barbarous pastimes that th' full
name
iv th' prisidint at th' time has
been
lost.
All th' historyan can find about
him
is
that his
name was Teddy,
an' that he
spint his time shootin' hippy pottymusses in
Africa, lavin' th' conthrol iv th' counthry to
wealthy malyfactors
office.
He was
charackter,
who
who had put him
into
succeeded be an effyminate
is
now
recalled only because
he consumed forty opposums (an extinct
no ON HEROES AND HISTORY
marsoop3âl) in forty consecutive days, an*
played a game called bumple-puppy, which
consisted in apparently purposely missing a
small gutta-perchy ball placed on a pile iv
X sand.
All that
is
this charackter is that
Bill/' an' is said to
known about
further
he was called "Big
have weighed four tons.
Th' most prominent citizens iv
raypublic besides James
th' decayin'
were T.
J. Jeffries
Longboat, Lydia Pinkham.
Iviywhere was
public an' private corruption, low ambitions
But amidst
an' base amusements.
iv corruption a
th' riot
few points stand out in con-
temperory lithrachoor to show that there
men an' women makin' th' brave
Tens iv thousands
f 'r th' human race.
were pure
battle
iv suffrin' people were cured iv incurable dis-
eases be usin' Befoolim, a
to th' wurruld be an old
an' mannyfacthered
remedy enthrusted
Indyan herb doctor
an' sold
be unknown
philanthropists at a dollar a bottle.
iv dollars were given
Millyons
away annually be
th'
promoters iv mining schemes; an' there arose
in th' city iv Chicago, as
if
to
shame
his venal
surroundings, a pathrite
so un-
cause iv civic purity that he
selfishly in th'
won
who worked
111
th' affectionate
surname
iv th'
"Bath
House.'"
"No,
sir, I'll
not attimpt to follow
heroes that comes up.
f'r
They move
all th'
too fast
To my way iv thinkin', th' wurruld
I know lots iv heroic tillyop'rators who wud rather amuse thim-
me.
is full
graft
iv thim.
somebody
silves sindin'
else's
'Have missed
be home to-morrow; love an'
Pop' thin be idle an' wondhrin'
how they cud square things with their own
wives. They're heroes. Ye an' Congress
thrain; will
kisses.
are both proud iv ye'er frind the tillygraft
operatur
th'
who
stuck at his post an' sint out
'C. Q. D.,' or ye were.
diwle
is
like that
a
But what
tillygraft op'ratur to
but
gone up on
th'
th'
do at a time
on'y thing he can do ? If he'd
th' bridge to advise th' captain
he'd been kicked downstairs, an'
if
he'd thried
to help out with th' injines th' chief injyneer
wud've walloped him over th' head with a
monkey-wrench. So he stayed where he be-
112
longed an' done his
He
wurmk.
felt safer
there thin he wnd ann>"\\'here. Wilbur Wright
wud be
if he was tendin' bar
whin big Olson come in on a
tear, but I am ca'm because I know where I
can lay me hands on a few argymints that
Olson undherstands. But I wudden't feel
safe in anny circumstances in Wilbur Wright's
aeroplane.
Take me in a jolace I know an*
I'm as brave a man as iver got liis pitcher in
Take me where I don't know
th' pa-aper.
th' names iv th' cross sthreets, an' th' crackle
iv a leaf will sind a chill up me back.
I
wudden't dare to walk in Mitchigan Boolyvard be night. I 'ôidden't know what moment a banker might rush out an' fell me to
th' ground.
But I'll walk down Halsted
scared to death
in this place
sthreet whistlin'
'
Th' Rocky Road an' niver
'
wanst look behind me.
"As Hogan
says, ivry
man
thim that have vallays.
own
If
is
a hero excipt
ye black ye'er
shoes, shave ye'ersilf, an' turn
on
th'
water in ye'er own bath ye're a hero, exofficio,
as th' sayin' goes.
All
me
acquaint-
ances are heroes.
that hired another
An'
his shirt.
if
113
knew a man
help him on with
I niver yet
man
to
Congress goes on passin'
risolutions thankin' la-ads f 'r wurrukin'
when
was nawthin' else to do, they'll have to
get some new presses in th' govermint printing office. Faith, who ain't a hero amongst
us all, all us inexpeeryenced sailors on a ship
that's sinking slowly undher our feet, day
be day an' year be year? Some ships gets
stove in arly an' some late, but they all go
down. An' here we are on boord laughin',
there
an' atin', an' quarrlin', an' schemin', an' layiii'
out a
new
course ivry hour with ne'er a
thought iv sindin' a 'C. Q. D.'"
"Be
th'
spoke of
how?
way," said Mr. Hennessy, "ye
What is a vallay, anny-
valla3'-s.
What
does he do?"
"A vallay," said Mr.
stand
it,
is
Dooley, "as I undher-
an English gintleman who has
arose be conscientious wurruk to th' position
iv
a boot-jack."
:
ON GOING TO SEE THE DOCTOR
"HiNNissY," said Mr. Dooley, severely,
"yeVe been
goin' to see th' doctor."
"Well, what's that to you?" said Mr.
Heimessy.
"NawthinV said Mr. Dooley, "on'y 'tis
a turrible habit to get fastened on a man. It
grows on ye. Fr'm seein' a doctor wanst a
year, ye get so
ye can't pass
th' office iv
wan
in an' havin' him
on ye'er indigestion with a
thim without goin'
iv
eaves-dhrop
stethoscope.
I
knew a man
wânst wint to
a doctor so often he cudden't ate porridge..
Ivry time he put
said
f ul
'
habit ?
hood?
"He
way
th'
spoon in his mouth he
Can't ye shake
Ah-h.'
Have ye no
What
will
did he teU
said I'd die
if
off this
dhread-
power, no man-
ye?"
I didn't change
me
Mr. Hennessy proudly.
" Did he, faith ? " said Mr. Dooley. " Well,
that was smart iv him an' worth at laste
iv Hvin'," said
114
GOING TO SEE THE DOCTOR
115
me
boy,
three dollars.
But
I tell
ye
fifty
per
hand to
iv th'
cint.
ye.
dollars,
if
plaze,
on'y give ye
information that
Ye'll die
habits, an' ye'll die
three
this,
He
he held out on ye at that.
if
ye don't.
in
small
Give
bills.
didn't charge ye annything, ye say?
it
must've been Dock O'Leary.
it
was.
A
I'll
ye change ye'er
I see
me
He
Thin
how
Ye woke up with a pain in th' back.
few years ago he wud have called it a
pain in th' back, an' when ye'd exercised th'
ol'
wheelbarrow
f'r
an hour
it
away, an' ye'd be as well as
wud've passed
iver.
But now
that ye've got th' doctor habit ye limp as fast
as ye'er ag'ny will let ye to
Dock O'Leary's
an hour thryin' to read th'
current magazines f'r nineteen hundhred an'
office,
an' set f'r
eight an' thinkin' with tears in ye'er eyes iv
how bad
th' fam'ly, that niver
apprecyated
whin ye ar-re no more.
By an' by th' dock comes out pattin' a little
boy on th' back an' sayin' to his mother:
*Yes, ma'am, night an' momin' an' keep
th' pickles on th' top shelf.'
He sees ye an'
ye befure,
will feel
116
What mor-
says he: 'What, ye here again?
tial
malady
is
desthroyin' that ivy covered
roon this momin'
Come
?
in an'
I'll
have a
look at ye.'
"Ye
down on
set
ye'er hat in ye'er
th'
edge iv a chair with
hand
map out ye'er
wad make him
an'
symptoms in a way that
weep if he had a heart, but he on'y balances
a paper knife on his finger an' looks at th'
Thin he tells ye to stick out ye'er
clock.
tongue an' haul
in again, an' thin he feels
it
steam
ye'er pulse that's goin' like a
hand suddenly,
an' dhrops ye'er
watch back
down
th'
think he
fatal
is
sticks his
in his pocket an' walks
room w^th a frown on
wondhrin'
news with
th' laste
:
'
up
an'
Ye
his face.
how he can break
cate narvous system.
sayin' to himsilf
dhrill,
shock to ye'er
But he
There's an
ol'
ain't.
th'
dili-
He's
fellow that's
as indesthructible as a hard coal clinker.
There's nawthin' th' matter with him.
wisht I was as healthy,
eases that
a
lot
me
me
with aU th'
I
dis-
patients thinks they have an'
more that
I
get fr'm readin' medical
But
books.
he'll
I mustn't tell
go down to that
what'U
ol'
him he has
tell
him
117
If I
so.
do
Vethrinaiy Skinner,
gallopin' consumption,
charge him a day's wages an' hand him a
prescription that'U give
on
opyum
th'
him a runnin'
start
habit.'
"Afther awhile he sets down at his desk
an' pullin' out a pencil an' pa-aper begins to
write, an' while
he writes he says: 'I'm glad
me befure it was too late. As it
we may check th' progress iv th'
ye came to
is
I think
disease
is
if
we
*What
can't cure it/ he says.
matther with me?' says ye.
th'
*This
time,' says he, 'ye ar-re suffrin' fr'm
a sharp
attackt iv h}'per-asininity,' he says.
'Is it
fatal?'
says ye.
'though
ye'er
nicissrly,'
says he,
But
apt to increase with age.
'tis
ye must be
'Not
careful, or I
life f'r
more thin
wudden't guarantee
thirty years.
Do ye
use Hquor an' tobacco in modhration?'
had wan
says ye.
'It is as I thought,' says he.
modhrate dhrinker an' smoker
go,'
'I
glass iv beer an' a see-gar yisterdah,'
says he.
'If
is
'Th'
th' first to
ye think 'twud tind to prg^
118
long
me
life/
get properly
says ye bravely,
full
'I'll
ivry day,' says ye.
thry to
'No/
says he, 'ye must cut out liquor an' tobacco
intirely
f'r
th'
next two weeks/ he says,
Hghtin' a see-gar.
'Ye'er blood pressure
is
too high, about a thousan' at th' prisint
minyit.
We
wan
this, or I may be
me hat in me hand
Ye must put ye'er-
must rejooce
walkin' behind ye with
iv these fine days.
on a sthrict dite. F'r breakfast ye need
not be particular, although ye must take
silf
plenty iv time with this meal, at laste five
minyits.
Poor
th' coffee into th' saucer in-
At dinner on'y th'
lean part iv th' com beef an' no gristle.
Positively no gristle. At supper a couple
iv roasts iv beef or a leg iv mutton or so.
But no more. If ye expict to be well ye
must not touch patty de foy grah, troofles,
sthrawberries out iv saison, artichokes, lamp
stead iv blowin' into
chimbleys,
canvas
it.
back
ducks,
turrjîn,
chop sooey, kosher meat, or carpet tacks in
anny
tion:
form.'
An' he hands ye
this prescrip-
—
"Chlor. Sod.
119
gr. II
"Aq. Mich. gal. VIII
"Rub on elbow night an' mornin\
"Ye take it to th' dhnig store an' hand it
to a young fellow that's pasteuiyzin' th'
sody glasses be blowin' into thim. He
studies it carefully an' moves to th' mysteryous labrytory in th' back iv th' shop.
He passes by rows an' rows iv bottles filled
\vdth healin' remedies marked with a skull
an' crossbones.
Ye wondher which wan iv
these he's goin' to reach f'r an' hope he ain't
absent-minded or too gin'rous. But he
doesn't stop till he gets to th' back room
where he fills th' purscription at th' sink.
Manetime th' crick has gone fr'm ye'er back,
an' ye'er well again ontil ye're dyin' again
to see a doctor.
"But
s'pose
Dock O'Leary
lost his
ning an' told ye th' thruth about
Ye'd
th'
ince
fly to
Dock
Skinner,
who
cun-
ye'ersilf.
grajated at
Bur-rd Centher Injyanny CorryspondSchool iv
Horseshoein'
in eighteen sixty-two.
Ye
an'
don't
Medcine
know him
120
well,
but he's got a sign out, an' that's
enough
f'r
ye to thrust
th'
care iv ye'er
broken down but precyous arthly tinunint
He
to him.
writes out a prescription that
on'y a colledge pro-fissor cud read an' ye
take
it
crame
over to a large combynation
fire-cracker, harness, an'
it
filled.
Th'
scientist
something out iv a bottle
fife is
that'll
save ye'er
a pretty busy young chemist.
he's loadin' th' pills
f'r
can keep his mind on
th'
that th' dock has ordhered.
healin' art to
answer
While
many
how he
ye he has so
other calls that ye begin to wondher
an ad
a box
ice-
gum,
dhrug-store to have
that's gom' to fish
parlor, an' see-gar, cand}^, toy,
life-givin'
He
dope
laves his
th' tillyphone,
take in
pa-apers, sell a postage stamp,
gumdhrops, two sheets iv writin'
f'r th'
iv
powan autymobiU, an' a five cint
see-gar, an' has a discussion with a little
boy about th' largest amount iv ice crame
pa-aper, a sky-rocket, a bar iv soap, a
dher-puff,
that goes with a tub iv sody wather.
surrounded
oii
all
He
is
sides with cans, bottles,
an' jugs full iv th' delicacies intinded
neighbor's dog, an' th' elixirs iv
shakin'
f'r
life
121
f'r th'
that he's
ye he ordhered be mail fr'm a
wholesale dhruggist, who bought it be th'
kag fr'm a facthiy where it was put up be
a man he niver see an' who has th' ordher
jSlled be sayin' to a small boy:
Jawnny, take
fill
shovel
an'
this
ordher
fr'm thim
a scoop
'
comer.
bar'ls in th'
want three pounds
I
each iv arsenic, quinine, calomel, rough-onrats, an'
Don't get thim mixed
rock-candy.
They look a good
up.
goin' to th' ball game.'
deal
alike.
I'm
Ye niver think what
chances ye take whin ye take medicine.
On'y
wan
there's
thing
in
ye'er
favor.
Pizens ar-re ixpinsive.
"Annyhow,
give
much
th'
new kind iv docks don't
Some puts their cus-
medicine.
tomers on a
which manes
atin' someAnother feeds ye
Boolgahryan sour milk germs that
dite,
thing that ye don't
on
httle
like.
at wanst pro-ceeds to
tive
make war on
th' na-
germs an' massacre thim, so that soon
ye'er interyor
is
turned into a kind iv ^
122
Balkan peninsuly an'
years
f'r
Wan
till
on
powers inthervene.
th' sthruggle goes
th' gr-reat
dock asts ye what ye want to do an'
it.
Five dollars.' Another
says: 'Don't do
makes ye
him
tell
ye'er
dhreams an' be
Wan
changin' thim keeps ye aUve.
iv a pain in th' ankle
ye
teeth an' another
be
makes ye
pullin'
cures
out ye'er
sleep out
on
th'
front stoop where th' neighbors can see ye
undhress.
"Dock O'Leary
says that th' dock
who
shortens his prescriptions lenthens th' Hves
iv his patients.
He
anny medicine that
ate ^Tith a soup ladle.
told
thim to take a
they'd despise
it,
says he sildom gives
his customers cudden't
'But/ he says,
'if
I
ladleful befure ivry meal,
so I prescribe half-a-tay-
spoonful ivry other day an' they think it
must be veiy pow'rful stuff. I give a good
dale iv nithro-glycerine in
it
always cheers
sthrong
man
th'
me
if
he's
a
with a digestion like a horse
that bucks whin he overloads
th'
practice, an'
patient up,
it.
He's seen
thoorjTûtick effeck iv this here lotioa
123
on rock an' he says to himsilf "Th' Dock's
got th' right idee." An' he makes a picture
:
in his
mind's eye iv an Eyetahan runnin' out
in front iv
him wavin' a red
sthreet-ca-ars an' yellin'
medicine goin'
th'
off
flag to stop th'
"Blast!" an'
th'
with a bang an' blowin'
pain in his chest to spHnters.
I give
some
'He come
to ye'er frind Hinnissy/ he says.
"
What do ye want ? "
back in a Httle while.
says
I.
"Ye
f'rgot th' fuse/' says he.'"
"I did no such thing," said Mr. Heanessy.
"Well, niver mind," said Mr. Dooley.
"Annyhow most
givin'
betther too.
down
iv
th'
an'
it
They
It's
don't have to write
it
can't be used at th' inquest.
Th' fav'rite prescription
Wan
doctors has quit
medicine an' ar-re givin' advice.
is:
'Don't worry.'
day Hogan found himsilf out iv a job,
he owed liis month's rent an' he had th'
nooralgy. He met Dock Larkin, an' th'
dock says: 'Ye don't look well.' 'I've got
th' nooralgy,' says Hogan.
'Th' throuble
with ye,' says th' dock, 'is that ye worry.
If ye promise me to quit worryin' I'U promise
124
'Don't ye
to cure ye'er nooralgy/ says he.
dare lay hands on this nooralgy iv mine/
says Hogan.
'I don't
want
cured.
it
th* on'y thing I've got that takes
off
me
But,' he says, 'ye can cure
worries.
ye want
th' worries
if
have thirty
dollars ?
If
Can ye let me
to.
ye haven't th' dhrug
in ye'er pocket ye can give
an'
I'll
have
me
a prescription
fiUed at th' bank,' says he.
it
"Me own
It's
me mind
idee
fashioned idees
is
is
that hone iv these new-
iver goin' to take th' place
iv th' good, sthrong ol' pizins that they used
to ladle into ye.
Whin
I
was a boy
th' vil-
lage dock give his patient a horse dhrench,
wondhered how he got it down
without throwin' th' invahd an' havin' wan
assistant set on him while another twisted
his nose. That was med'cine all right enough,
an' I've often
an'
it's th'
kind I
like to see
now
that I
know
that I have naw^thin' th' matter with me,
but I'm
th'
innocent victim iv an attack on
me wurruks
be millyuns iv
bloodthirsty
me
inteeryor an'
mickrobes that has invaded
ar-re bein' opposed be squadhrons iv frindly
I feel like Bilgiuin.
germs.
cause
125
I'm angry beThis
me noothrality has been vilated.
here germ theery
is th' finest
iver invinted f'r a sick
thing th' docks
man. It
ol' days a
stirs his
man was
In th'
ashamed iv bein' sick. He thought there
was something th' matther with him. Now
he knows he's all right. There's nawthin'
th' matter with him if he can on'y kill off
spoortin' feelin'.
He
th' invaders iv his sov'reignty.
to advance
wants
on thim with shot an'
wants
shell.
He
th' sthrongest, th' ugliest lookin', th'
worst smeUui', th' vilest tastin', th' most
pizenous dark brown mixture that th' dock
can get out iv his ammynition wagon.
as each batthry
he'll
is fired,
he
may
An'
choke but
say: 'Take that; ye varmints/ like Nick
iv th'
Woods mowin' down
dusky red-
th'
skins.
"Th' dock comes down
in
tV mornin'
afther makin' a recoimaissance iv ye'er blood,
ye
may
say, an' finds
ye
settin'
up
with th' fight iv battle in ye'er eyes.
says ye, 'how
in
'
bed
Dock,'
did yisterday's engagement
126
come out?' 'Magnificent/ says he. 'They
must have lost at laste a millyon in kilt an'
wounded an' there can't be more thin three
or four millyons left. I intind to attack them
in foorce to-day, an'
yons
f 'r th'
I'm sindin'
frindly mickrobes that
their outposts/
he says.
Ye
m
is
provis-
harassin'
begin to feel
like a gin'ral, bedad, settin' on a horse with
a spyglass in ye'er hand, directin' th' fire iv
th' artillery undher Colonel O'Leary, while
th' frindly mickrobes wth loud hurrahs
carries wan position afther another.
An*
whin th' crool war is over ye think iv ye'ersilf
on a platform reviewin' th'
march past undher
standin'
frindly mickrobes as they
their tattered ensigns an'
thim
maybe
pensionin'
An' aven if th' medicine or
th' inimy kills ye, ye can picture ye'ersilf
like Gin'ral Wolfe lanin' on his elbow on
f'r life.
th' hites iv
Abr'ham
an' dyin' contint, an'
with just as good a raison as he had.
"No, sir, whin I come to think iv it, I'll
not deny th' pleasure iv bein' sick. It's th'
on'y way some people has iv callin' attin-
127
tion to thimsilves an' bein' talked about.
If
I
But
Hogan
tell
ye're well he don't care.
say ye're sick he's got inthrest
I
if
enough in ye at laste to ask: 'WTiat's th'
matther with him?' Ivry sick man is a
hero, if not to th' wurruld or aven to th'
An' 'tis th'
fam'ly, at laste to himsilf.
proper business iv th' doctor to
doctor
A
wan.
feel like
is
a hero in
like
th'
hands
iv a story
He's goin' to suffer a good dale, but
writer.
he's goin' to
But what
come out
all
right in th' end.
know is what th' docThey may cure ye, but
I'd like to
tors get out iv
they can't
it.
make
Ye have an
thimsilves feel
any betther.
if ye had th' ondivided
good dock ye'd Uve so long
idee that
attintions iv a
that ye'd dhry
see th'
make him
patient in th' hands iv a
names
up and blow away, but I often
good doctors in thim Httle
iv
advertisements iv those that ar-re sthruck
out that's printed in th' pa-apers undher th'
births an' marredges.
fame.
Some feUow
thousan'
men
is
They
don't get
that's kilt a
much
hundhred
more apt to get
into th'
128
Ditch'my
man
iv Bio-graphy,
mind
ye, thin a
that's saved a millyon hves.
past th' on'y
silves
some
way
In times
that they cud get thim-
renumbered be posterity was be havin'
named afther thim that they'd
disease
some part iv
was not charted befure.
invinted, or
thundhrin'
down
th' ages
th'
wurruks that
Wan man
wint
because he found
a patch in a man's inteeryor that no
knew was
iver
done him
th'
wan
there befure, an' his confreres
honor to name
it
afther him.
Another surgeon had a place in ye named
afther him that if Dock O'Leary sticks this
namesake with his thumb an' ye holler, ye
have to be cut open. It's a quare way that
Hodgkins, Graves, an' Bright has took to
immortahty.
it's
his
If
WTiin ye come to think iv
kind iv fresh
f 'r
name on a malady
a sick
man
is
it,
a sthrange dock to stick
that ye're shelterin'.
entitled to annjrthing
it
ought to be to give his own name to his
own
complaints.
It's
hard to think that
afther harborin' this imperfection
ye have no claim on
it.
Ye
f'r
years
feel like sayin':
*Well,
sake,
Dock Bright, if this is ye'er namecome an' take it away with ye. I
don't want
money.
settlin'
it.'
do
"^Vhat
they
out
get
iv
Not
it?
People ar-re very bashful about
f'r
aisier to
his
129
bank
havin'
their
lives
saved.
ampytate a millyonaire's
roll,
an'
manny a man
fully to th' op'ratin' table
bleed to death
if
It's
leg thin
goes hope-
who's afraid
he pays
th'
bill.
he'll
Dock
O'Leary says he made a mistake whin he
carved Grogan, th' wealthy plumber. He
says he give th' chloroform too arly.
shud've give
it
to
him with
"It's a gr-reat purfissyon an' I
but I wouldn't follow
it f'r
He
th' bill.
know
amiy amount
it,
iv
money.
"The dock
goes about
all
day long makin'
people comfortable because they're incurable
an' oncomfortable because they ain't, walkin'
a hospital, welcomin'
wnrruld, an' watchin'
it,
ol'
new
life
life
goin' out iv
mto
th'
dodgon' warrants fr'm anti-vivisectionists
that has nacharally more iv a fellow feelin'
f'r
130
rabbits
guinea
an',
pigs
thin
human
f'r
bein's.
"'Tis onty be finin' people with delusions
iv
bad health that doctors can
afford to give
their time to people that has something th'
matter vdth
ye woke me up in
night an' screamed over
tliim.
middle iv th'
If
name
tillj^hone: *In th'
iv our
th'
th'
common
humanity bring over a can iv lager. I et
salt fish f'r supper an' I'm dyin' iv th'
dhrought/
it's
I'd charge
ye
not five cints but five doUars
panacee."
f'r th'
"Dock O^Leary,"
"tells
me
a rival
is
said
takin'
Mr.
Hennessy,
away a
lot iv his
practice be puttin' ivrybody on a dite.
didn't say
"He
who
told
it
He
was."
me," said Mr. Dooley.
th' high cost iv livin'."
"It's
ON "THE GIFT OF ORATORY"
"I SEE," said Mr. Dooley, "that a
so-
ciety has been formed to stop afther-dinner
orathry an' I expict ivry day to read that
its
rooms has been raided by the poHs. F'r, iv
coorse, this is a murdher s'ciety, Hke th'
Mafeeya. Th' on'y way ye can prevint an
afther-dinner orator fr'm oratin' afther din-
ner
is
to sthrangle him.
It
wudden't do
army good not to ask him to th' bankit.
He'd go annyhow.
"He'd disguise himsilf as a waiter or concale himsilf behind th' potted palms an' as
soon as th' dimmy-tassies came on he'd leap
out an' begin: 'Misther Chairman an' gintlemen, I
am
reminded be
story that I got fr'm
Hostetter'
"Ye
this occasion iv
me
ol'
frind
a
Dock
—an' so on."
didn't always feel that
way," said
Mr. Hennessy.
"I know I didn't," said Mr. Dooley.
"'Twas wanst the hite of me ambition to
131
132
stand up behind a bank iv flowers, with a
good see-gar in wan hand an' a napkin in th'
other an' wan minyit have me aujience convulsed
with laughter an'
dissolved in tears.
ago what a tur-rble
fist I
another minyit
ye a long time
made
commit anny part
f'rgot to
to
I told
mimry
iv
it,
how
I
iv the oration
excipt th' parts that ar-re printed
in brackets like: applause, loud an' prolonged
laughter, cries iv 'No, no.
like,
an'
sunk to
Webster.
how without
me
Go
on,' an' th'
utthrin' a
wurrud
I
chair a mute, inglorious Dan'l
Since thin I go to a bankit iv th'
Dimmycratic club on'y to injye mesilf be
watchin' th' fellows that ixpects to be called
on f'r speeches an' obsarve th' wealthy conthractor that has just been ilicted goin' with-
out
nourishment because he don't
which fork to
know
use.
"But because
I
was
th'
most
tur-rble fail-
ure as an orator that th' \\airruld has iver
no raison why I should want to supth' poor fellows be \4'lence.
It's us
seen, is
priss
that encourages
them that
is
to blame.
Ivry
133
nation injyes some kind iv a crool spoort an'
afther-dinner orathry
Why
not.
th'
same with us as
with the Spanyards.
bull-fightin' is
"Did ye
is
iver go to a bankit?
did I ask ye such a foolish ques-
Well, ye go into a big
tion?
Iv coorse
room where
there's a lot iv little tables occypied
be peo-
ple that ar-re there to injye themsilves, an'
a long, raised table where they stick
condemned
culprits.
A man who
th'
has been
chose because iv his harsh manners an' th*
ready flow iv insults at his
command
middle amongst thim.
th'
wan
at aise in th' line.
he be at aise?
An'
sets in
He's the on'y
why
shudden't
He's the ixicutioner.
Th*
others ar-re pale with ambition an' fright.
They do not
ate or dhrink anything that's
passed to thim.
Now
other.
parched
iv
th'
little
lips
time
an'
They
don't speak to each
thin
they moisten their
But most
wurrukin' away with
polishin' up their last
with a sip iv wather.
the^^'re
stubs iv pencils
dyin' utthrances.
"Manewhile
th' la'ads at th' little tables
ON
134
who
''THE GIFT OF
fame or glory
ar-re not lookin' f'r
havin'
a gran' time.
ORATORY"
It's
ar-re
'Hey, waither,
bring another goord iv that Fr-rinch cider/
bad luck to ye/ 'Boy,
more
dimmj^-tassy.'
Good stories ar-re
some
'Well, Mike, here's
goin' round, guests are stealin' each other's
souvenirs to take
home
comer
ol'
in clost
table four
harmony
All at wanst th'
f'r silence,
to th' childher, at a
gintlemen ar-re singin*
was seein' Nelly home/
chairman gets up, hammers
'
1
:
an' inthrojooces th' first speaker
in these glowin' terms: 'Gintlemen,' he says,
'th' best iv
We
times must come to an end.
have with us to-night
Lemuel Higgs, who is
ar-re so unforchnit as to
Hon'rable E.
th'
known
in,
Wind iv
know how he
to th' pohs as th' Big
Sixteenth Ward.
but here he
I don't
is.
He
has ast
me
th*
got
to be
allowed to addhress ye, an' owin' to th*
prisince iv a
few iv
me
mortal inimies in the
aujience I have consinted.
Guests ar-re
re-
quisted to injye themsilves as best they can
durin' his ballyhoo but I
that
if
must remind thim
they applaud him with th' cliinyware
they will be charged with breakage.
135
Gin-
tlemen, Misther Higgs.'
"At that
His face
is
th'
poor fellow leaps to his
now a
feet.
light green in color an'
wears a smile that makes ye think he may
have took an overdose iv sthrj^chnine. Beit
fure he
is
fairly
up he hurls a convivial story
at th' aujience.
a minyit an'
It splutters f'r
goes out in th' air like a fire-cracker on a
rainy Foorth iv July.
th' la-ads
an'
feet
chairs.
choons his
Th'
again.
There
is
Convarsation
waiters
comer begin
thrip
over
a noise iv breakin' dishes
An'
fiddle.
'Seein' Nelly
to scrape their
Th' fiddler in
in th' panthry.
th'
thries another an'
down below begin
move their chairs.
up
starts
He
th' orchesthry
gintlemen in
th' ol'
singin' th' sicond verse iv
Home/ which
is
the same as
th' first an' th' twinty-sivinth.
"But Higgs goes
aven
to.
if
right on.
He
can't stop
he wanted to an' now he don't want
Fin'Uy th' brutal chairman hauls him
back be th' coattail, yells 'Time' so that it
can be heerd above th' hilarity; he murmurs
136
a few wiirruds in thanks an' sets down in
mops
his chair,
his face with
a napkin, an'
'How
turns to his neighbor an' says:
think
it
wuit?'
But
th' neighbor's throat
so chy that he can't answer.
is
d'ye
He's th'
nex' victim to be led to th' thrapdure.
An'
mind ye these
ar-re th' first speakers.
Th'
dead iv
th'
last orator,
if
he
isn't
fright
be
time he's called has to compete with a dozen
argjTnents an' close hai'mony quartets, th'
loud laugh that speaks th' vacant bottle, an'
maybe a rough-an'-tumble
"I wanst laiew a
man
fight or two.
that was a hab-
He
bitchool afther-dinner speaker.
cuddent
pass a resthrant without composin' a speech,
an'
afther he'd finished a frugal meal iv
wheat cakes an' dhraw-wan in a dair}^ lunch,
he wud rise an', bo win' to the waithress, say,
'Misther Chairman' befure he cud recover
He was
himself.
man
a pale, thin
because
he attinded a bankit ever}^ night iv his
an' niver
it,
foolish
saj's he.
wan?' says
'I
hate
it.
I.
life
Why
d'ye do
'I don't
know,'
cud ate annything.
'
No wan
can imagine
I endure while waitin' to be
suffrin's
th'
137
on or th' reemorse that follows th'
speech/ he says. Something ought to be
done to heal these miserable brethren iv
ours.
But I don't beheve in harsh methods.
Little be little their mind an' body shud be
called
strengthened.
They shud be encouraged
All comic pa-apers
shut up.
to
shud be kept
Each afther-dinner orator shud
be confined to a room be himsiK an' th' nurse
fr'm thim.
shud serve his meals through th' thransom.
No meal shud be spoke iv as dinner. Ye
niver heard iv an afther-breakfast orator or
an afther-supper orator.
"I can remimber whin afther-dinner orathry was
iv
wan
American
iv th' proudest instichoochions
—whin
life
th' sayin'
was that
hundhreds iv people wint to bankits to hear
Chansy Depoo talk an' so did Chansy Depoo.
But that day has gone by. People ar-re
tired iv amachoor orators, an' th' nex' step
will
be to hire thrained speakers to help us
di-gest
our
vittles just
thrained musicians.
the same as
we
hire
1
138
"There
is
an
sayin' that
ol'
can speak well can
think iv askin'
me
Thin why, says
I,
No,
sir,
coffee has
will get
annybody who
Nobody wud
shud they ask us to speak ?
come on
up
iver
or Roger Sullivan to sing.
at bankits in th' future,
jugglin' with th'
will
sing.
an' th'
pussy
an' say,
whin
th'
good fellows ar-re
chairman
caffeys, th'
'Now, gintlemen,
be so good as to remain
if
ye
silent Sin'tor
Bivridge will oblige with a tenor speech.'
An'
th'
handsome young
Sinitor will step
fr'm behind a screen, ask th' leader
f'r th'
key iv G shaip an' launch his high notes
on th' threaty with Columbya.
"An' afther all what is an orator but a
kind iv musicjân or pote ? There's no form iv
amusement that I like betther after a week's
hard wurruk thin to go to a picnic in Downer's
Grove, an' be lulled to dhreams or excited
to a frinzy be an oration fr'm a good orator.
I've heerd orations that I cud
do a two-step
to, an' manny a time have I gone home
hummin' bits out iv a speech on th' tariff to
mesilf
Th' night I heerd Willum Jennings
.
ON "THE GIFT OF ORATORY''
139
Bryan's cross-iv-goold speech I wint over to
Hogan's house an' picked out
wan
finger
on
th' pianny.
It
th'
chune with
was that mu-
sical.
Ivry gr-reat orator ought to be accompanied be an orchesthry or, at worst, a
pianist
was
who wud play
refreshin'
trills
while th' artist
himsilf with a glass iv ice
I don't think th' Chat-talky people
wather.
know how
was thim
to advertise their headliner.
If I
I'd put out bills like this:
ONPARALELD ATTHRACTIONS
At Odd
Fellows' Hall,
be prisinted this
onheerd iv
Th' Hivenly
Choosdah
mammoth
night, will
array iv
cilibrities:
Endowed Childher
iv
Orfeus
Th' Swiss Yodellees
Th' Japanese Jugglers
IN THEIR NERVE-SHATTHRIn' An' HEART
desthroyin' specialty
Zeke an' Cy
wurruld's champeen wood choppers
—
140
EsTELLE
—
Th' Montmorencies Clarence
THRICK BICYCLE RIDERS
Th* whole dazzHn' an' megatheryal displayto close with th' first appearance in this
city iv
'
Th' Greatest iv Nachral Orators
WiLLUM Jennings Bryan
WHO will render
his cillybrated barytone solo: "th' prince iv peace" (accompanied ON th' piccolo be profissor woodrow Wilson), n. b. ^misther bryan is th'
on'y livin' barytone who can reach high
C WITHOUT STANDIn' ON HIS TOES
—
Admission: GentS;
panied be
wan
ladieS;
twenty-five cints.
dollar; gents
wan-fifty;
accom-
childher,
Infants in ar-rmns
or out iv thim not admitted at
anny
price.
"We
past.
artists
haven't been
We've been
fair to orators in th'
so thrilled be these gr-reat
that we've taken thim
their career an'
away fr'm
put thim into Governmint
jobs,
141
makin' mere dhrudges iv thim whin
they might betther be out in
softening' th' hearts iv
men
th'
wurruld
with their mel-
Me frind Gallagher was th'
campaign pote that iver lived.
He wrote a pome wanst beginnin' 'We'll
carry this ward f'r Hopkins fr'm the mountains to th' sea/ an' be hivens while he was
singin' it I thought they was mountains an*
sea in th' ward. But the nex' day I come
to th' con-clusyion that he meant fr'm th'
steel wurruks to th' South Branch iv th'
Afther th' iliction he put in an applyriver.
Did th'
cation f'r superintindint iv bridges.
low notes.
gr-reatest
mayor give
it
to
him?
He
He
did not.
wud not shackle janius in this manHe app'inted him gas inspictor, which,
he said, wud give him ample oppor-
said he
ner.
as
choonity to coort th' muse, an' he handed
th'
other place to Jim Cassidy
made a
have?' in his
"No,
who
niver
longer speech thin 'What'll ye
sir,
all
life.
'tis
a gr-reat mistake to tear
these artists fr'm their specyalty an'
show
142
Let thim go on pleasantly swayin*
thim up.
th' hearts iv
in' tliim,
cause a
men.
annyhow.
man
betther thin govern-
It's
It don't follow that be-
can write or talk beautifully
mend
about plumbing that ye hire him to
th' kitchen sink.
ye'ersilf:
Ye do
'Demostheens moved
that
I'll
sind
tell
f'r
me
say to
so
much
good plumbin'
a plumber to mend th'
be his iloquent appeal
waste-pipe.'
Ye
not.
No man
ye more about
f'r
in this country can
th'
currency
thin
bill
Larkin, th' blacksmith, yet whin a customer
hands him a two-dollar
bill
f'r
shoein'
a
horse he has to get a piece iv chalk an'
figure th'
shop.
change on
th'
side wall iv
his
Orators an' iditors sildom do well
in office.
They have
to express opinyons
on ivry known subjick in
language that ivry wan will remimber an'
right off th' stove
repeat, an'
afther that they can't change
without somebody diggin' up what they
"Did an
said.
orator iver change ye'er vote?"
asked Mr. Hennessy after tliinking a moment.
ON "THE GIFT OF ORATORY'^
"Always,
me
frind/'
said
Mr. Dooley
impressively; then, with a convincing
of his hand: "If he's a
bad orator
again him instinctively, an'
wan who's swayed me
if
feelin's
make a
wave
I vote
he's a
good
soul I always do so
as a kind iv an act of conthrition
me
143
fool iv
me."
f'r lettin'
ON GOLF
"Well,
Mr. Dooley, "I don't
sir," said
wud
want
to
frind,
but I do think th' authorities ar-re
say annything that
Hogan
very lax in lavin'
hurt a
at large, as they
ar-re doin'."
"An' what
Hogan?" Mr. Hennessy
ails
asked.
" He's got
what th' dock calls a fixed deeMr. Dooley. "He thinks he's
a goluf player. No, he don't play th'
game. Nobody does that. They wurruk
But Hogan he slaves at it. He don't
at it.
lusion," said
think iv annything
to th' wather-office with
an' he carries
sleeps with
it
it.
He
else.
him
takes
in th'
home with him
If 3ê
it
down
momin',
at night an'
go over to his house
at this minyit ye'll find
him
in th' front
parlor swingin' a poker an' tellin' th' good
woman how
he
plaj'-ed
th'
eighth
hole.
There's nawthin' more excitin' to th' mother
144
ON GOLF
iv siven at th'
end
145
game fr'm
lips
th'
wash-day
of a complete
bum
goluf
her lifemate.
'Tis
thin to listen to an account iv a
iv
almost as absorbin' as th' invintory iv a
grocery store.
was over there
I
me what
showin'
an' he near took
practisin'
th' other
he broke three panes iv glass
an'
night,
he
a mashie shot,
calls
an ear
off his
aunt Bridget
with a war-club that he
nibbehck.
I
calls
a
wudden't be harsh with him,
but a few months or aven years in a well
cell with a ball an' chain on his
might
leg,
restore him to himself an' make
him again th' safe an' bashful husband an'
upholstered
father he wanst was.
"But
'tis
a gr-reat game, a gr-rand,
With
hail-fellow-well-met spoort.
tion
maybe
iv th' theery iv infant
jolly,
th' excip-
damnation,
Scotland has given nawthin' more cheerful
to th' wurruld thin th'
'twas
first
cudden't
game
smuggled into
this counthry,
make out what
thought whin I
was intinded
f 'r
first
Whin
iv goluf.
'twas
read about
like.
it
that
I
I
it
people with a hackin' cough,
10
ON GOLF
146
no wan who was robust enough to
an' that
play 'Twinty Questions' in a wheel-chair,
wud engage in it without a blush. I had it
in me mind that 'twas played iv a rainy
afthernoon in th'
front
Th' two
parlor.
athletes got out their needles an' their
em-
broidery canvas, give a shout iv glee an'
flew at
Th' results was submitted to
it.
'Ladies
Home
Journal,' an'
me
frind
Bok decided who was champeen,
th'
Eddie
an' give
him a goold thimble f'r a prize.
"But I know betther now. 'Tis a rough
an' angry
other
manly
An' whin
as a
goluf
game,
'tis
full of
ondacint remarks an'
it
laves as
German submarine.
match
d'ye
charackteristics,
over
th'
much bad
At
th'
mind.
blood
end iv ivry
player loathes himsilf,
is
not on speakin' terms with th' fellow he
played agin, cud
kill his
own. caddy an' his
opponent's, an' hates th' criminal that laid
out th' coorse, th' game
Argyll, each
wan
itsilf,
th'
Jook
iv
iv his clubs, th' little bur-rd
that twittered whin he was
shootin',
th'
pretty wild flowers on th' margin iv th' links,
ON GOLF
147
an^ each separate spear iv grass on th* puttingIf that
green.
Dutch pote that wrote
th'
'H5TTin iv Hate' wants to write an-other on
th'
same subjeck with a
"How's
it
punch
played, says ye?
know.
actly
rale
in it
I don't ex-
But ye
I niver studied law.
can get th' rules iv
library, in siven
th'
game
in th' public
volumes edited be
Chief Justice iv Scotland.
If
Lord
ye have a
th'
dispute over th' rules, th' quickest
get a decision
is
he
'Twuld help him.
ought to larn goluf.
to hire a lawyer,
way to
make a
supreem coort.
can say about it is
test case, an' carry it to th'
In a gin'ral way, aU I
a kind iv a game iv ball that ye play
with ye'er own worst inimy which is ye'erthat
it's
silf,
an' a
man ye
don't like goes around
with ye an' gloats over ye, an' a Httle boy
follows ye to carry th' clubs an' hide th'
ball afther ye've hit
made
ous substance, an'
it
it.
Th'
ball is small,
iv injy rubber an' fiUed with a pizinif
ye
hit it
a good smash
busts an' puts out ye'er eye.
Ye're sup-
posed to smash this httle grenade fr'm place
ON GOLF
148
up an' down
yon with an enormous insthrument iv wood or iron, ontill in due time ye
get to what is called a puttin'-green. There's
to place an' here an' there an'
an' hither an'
a Httle hole with a tin can in it in th' middle
whin ye're within a fut or
iv this place, an'
two
ye take a small hammer
iv this hole
out iv th' bag, an' ye hit th' ball four or five
times
till
ye wipe
down
few
it
tumljles
th' cold
'5'
on a
do
feet an'
mto
card, an'
it all
over again.
But that
Ye've got along pretty
th' pretty grass,
a dark,
evil-lookin'
mark him
it is
whin wan day ye see
man
watchin' ye.
he's th' expert that
f'r
out th' coorse.
He marks
ye'er best shot goes,
'I'll fix
Ye
th'
is
layin*
spot where
an' says he, with
a
that crokey-playin' plumber.'
An' he digs a hole
a wagon
ain't nearly all.
well, pokin' th' ball
at wanst as ye'er inimy, an' well
ye do,
scowl
walk away a
little
" So far so good.
down
Thin
hole.
th'
sweat fr'm ye'er brow, write
five feet
deep an' dumps
iv soft coal ashes into
it.
Thin he
picks out th' other places where ye loved to
ON GOLF
149
land, an' he puts in railroad ties, barbed
mounds, pizen-ivy, blackberry
bushes, thrailin'-arbutus, a swamp, an' a
field iv thistles, tears down a hill an' builds
a mountain, gashes th' fair face iv nature
with gapin' caverns an' chasms filled with
wire, ditches,
gravel,
cans,
stumps, brick-bats, sardine
cigaret
hairpins,
bunkers,
an'
goes his wây.
an'
syonal torturer
archytect.
futprints,
If
is
ye
what
left
is
make
it
This
known
thim
pro-fis-
as a goluf
a thurly good goluf
archytect in th' garden iv
he'd
calls
Eden
f'r
an hour
look like Bilgium afther th'
war.
"Well, ye play wanst through this jungle
that a wire-haired tarryer cudden't get into,
an' ye're told be a frind that ye ought to
So ye pick out a bright-faced
Scotch lad with a head shaped like a allitake a lesson.
who can hit th' ball a milo
blindfolded an' ye give him what change ye
have an' ask him to pint out ye'er faults.
gator pear an'
He
pints out
an'
manny dark wans
all
ye'er wife has told ye about
besides.
I see
Hogan
ON GOLF
150
takin'
a goluf lesson wanst, an' how he iver
lift his head again is more thin I
dared to
Afther th' pro-fissyonal
cud undherstand.
has recited th' catalog iv ye'er sins an' vices,
an' ye've
made an
ye how to
hit th' ball.
act iv conthrition, he tells
Ye'd think that ought
to be aisy. Just go up an' give it a cuff.
"But it ain't aimy thing like as soft as that.
There ar-re forty different things ye have to
think iv with each shot, an' if ye do wan iv
thim wrong, ye're a lost soul. When ye'er
idjication is completed ye go out an' do all
th' things
he told ye, but nineteen, an'
ball skips lightly into
time to escape.
ye'er
ask
may
back on
f'r
If
it
is
late.
an' wretched
!
But
if
ye
th'
ye'er
He there, turn
th' parish-house an'
prayers iv th' congregation,
th'
th' strenth
Now
pit.
ye lave
run to
not be too
My, weak
wan
it,
a
Ye may be
it
saved.
man, while ye have
ye step but
dela}^, if
fut into th' thrap, ye're
doomed
an'
on'y th' kindly hand iv death will release
ye fr'm a life iv shame.
"Oh, 'tis th' jolly game,
th'
jolly
ol'
ON GOLF
Scotch game.
over th'
feelin'
happy
in
is
took
it's
No wondher
it's
wurruld to bein'
bein perfectly cross.
up
be
played
all
Th' next pleasantest
counthry.
th'
151
middle-aged
They want a chanst
perfectly
That's
why
gintlemen.
to go into a towerin'
rage in th' open an' undher th' blue sky.
To a
goluf player, Hinnissy, th' spreadin'
ellum threO; a bloomin' rose bush, or a purlin'
brook ar-re not what they seem to
He
don't use what ye call figures of speech
about thim.
us.
No, sh, he uses a nibblelick
or a fish-net.
"Another
gr-reat injoocement to
men
to
spind their Sundays on th' goluf-coorse
Hogan
th' prisince iv th' fair sect.
is
me
tells
there's nawthin' so pleasant to a tired player
come up on a tee an' find in front
him four beautiful ladies. Niver excipt
as to
a sleepin'-car in
atthractive as
th'
iv
'in
mornin' ar-re ladies so
whin ye
see
thim fr'm a
with their lovely hair out iv
tee,
curl, their ten-
der faces tanned a Hvely pink or vermilion,
an'
a lumber jack's boots on their dainty
ON GOLF
152
feet,
while they dab pitcheresquely at th*
herbage or stand in graceful attichoods on
th'
puttin'-green correctin' each other's scoors.
Their presence lights up th' whole landscape
an' gives th'
men
players a chanst to rest an'
gnash their teeth.
"Yes,
fairest
sir,
th' bravest an' th' best an' th'
can be seen, east or west, or north
away winter an' summer
noble game or hallucynation or rite
or south, beltin'
at this
or whativer ye call
it
—
sinitors, judges, con-
gressmen, gr-reat iditors, preachers, th' prisidint himsilf.
^^Tiin
Dock Wilson he
a reporther wants to
riprisintative
iv
th'
f'r him in th'
But ye r-read: A
'Daily Gloom' found
Prisidint
on
th'
eighteenth green.
see
No,
"White House.
th'
don't look
sir.
He
seemed
very good spirits. Whin told
that Count von Bemstorff had set fire to
in
th' thiêasur}^
departmint. Ambassador Ger-
ard had been pizened be th' Kaiser, an
American battleship had been sunk be Cap
Boj-Ed in th' North River, an' Demburg
was ladin' a charge iv th' turn-d'ye-mind
ON GOLF
armed with dumb-bells
153
edly an' said:
on
good natur-
an' bowlin'-pins
Governor's Island, he laughed
'We mustn't
get too excited
about this kind iv playfulness.
thim a
little letter th' first
rainy day.
go
down
By
th'
to ye'er
in this scoor an'
"Did
I did.
f'r
write
time we have a
me
boy, whin ye
I'd like ye to turn
office,
tell th'
missed a short putt
teenth.
way,
I'll
spoortin' editor I
an eight at
th' six-
Otherwise I niver played betther.*
I iver see th'
game played? Faith,
I see Hogan go
Th' other mornin'
out with his kit iv tools.
In other games
wan bat is enough, but in goluf ye have to
own twinty. All th' money that used to go
f'r shoes in Hogan's fam'ly now goes f'r
goluf-clubs.
If
he manages to hit th' ball
ye he wudden't part
with that club f'r a hundherd dollars an' asts
ye to feel it an' say ain't that a nice club.
Whin he misses it he says th' club has gone
with a club, he
tells
back on him an' he buys a new wan. He
has as manny implymints iv this new thrade
iv his as a tinker.
He
has a
hammer to
beat
ON GOLF
154
th' ball into th'
get
ground with, an' a pick to
out, an' a little shovel to scrape
it
it
fr'm th' sand, an' a Httle hatchet to knock
it
into th' hole
whm he gets near it.
'
Where
ye goin' with th' hardware?' says I.
open a safe or build a battleship?'
says I. 'I'm goin' to play goluf,' says he
'This is th' day I hang Larkin's
angrily.
ar-re
'Is it to
hide on th' fence,' he says.
"So
I followed
an' there
akel
size.
him out
to Douglas Park,
we met Larkin, who had a bag iv
Hogan used to be champeen
caber tosser iv th' ward an' Larkin was a
sthructural ir'n-wurruker befure his health
give out an' he
become a horseshoer, but they
groaned undher their burdens.
at that
moment two
Fortchnitly
bright Httle boys iv
about eight years stepped up an' reheved
tliim iv their burden.
'\Vliat are these pig-
mies goin' to do with this here year's output
'They're goin'
iv th' Gary mills?' says I.
to carry thim,' says Larkin.
dies,'
iv
he says.
th'
little^
'Well,' says
toddlers. _
'They're cadI, 'tis
very nice
Th' young cannot
ON GOLF
155
start too arly in helpin' th' aged.
But/ I
'why don't ye get up on their backs
have thim carry ye around? A Httle
more weight wudden't make much differsays,
an'
'Hush up/ says Hogan.
"Th' poor fellow was standin' on what
they call th' tee, which is where ye take th'
first Hck at th' ball.
He had a pole in his
hand an' was swingin' it at a dandeline an'
missin'.
Ivinchooly he stepped up to where
th' ball roosted on a little pile iv sand, stood
ence/ says
I.
with his legs apart like th' statue he
th'
calls
Goloshes iv Rhodes, waggled th' stick
in th'
air,
p'inted
it
tords th'
out, 'Stand away, Larkin, get
me, Martin, stop
shufflin'
pole,
cried
round behind
there, boy,' an'
screamed 'Fore' at a fat old gintleman that
was at wurruk in a thrench three city blocks
ahead. Thin he hauled off with th' bat,
muttherin' to himsilf 'Eye on th' ball, slow
back, keep th' lift arm sthraight, pivot on
:
th' right foot, folly through.'
Up
crept th'
dhread insthrument slow an' cautious an'
down
it
came with a blow that wud've
ON GOLF
156
foorced th' Dardanelles.
I expicted to see th'
ball splintered into
a thousan' pieces or
appear into space.
But
tee ridin'
on a piece
it
didn't.
dis-
It left th'
iv turf th' size iv ye'er
hat, floated lazily off to
wan
side,
dhropped,
bounced twice, an' nestled in a bush.
Watch
it, boy,' yells Hogan.
'Watch it. Go right
to it.
Oh,' says he, what did I do that was
wrong, what did I do ? says he, wringin' his
'
'
'
'Ye dliropped ye're right shouldher,'
'Took ye're eye off it,' says
Larldn's caddy. 'Toed it,' says an innocint
bystander.
'Ye made a mistake thiyin' to
hands.
says Larkin.
hit at
Ye
all.
Hogan stood
shud've kicked
says
it,'
I.
by, his face convulsed with
a man whose
Sunday mornin' recreation used to be raisin'
a kag iv beer over his head fifty times, give
mortyfication
a lunge at
missed
come
th' ball,
it
Larkin,
ontil
done a complete spin an'
Thin a wan smile
altogether.
to Hogan's lips.
hawin' about?'
spoke again.
in speakin'
'What
says Larkin.
Most
ar-re
ye haw-
They niver
iv th' time they weren't
distance iv each other.
Fr'm
ON GOLF
time to time they
down
wud meet be
'Dammit, stop
thim at
I left
wanst.
coughin'.'
Whin
th' sivinth hole th' excitemint
Larkin' was lookin'
its hite.
ball in
a geeranjomi bush, an'
down an evergreen
iv his little
dhrop
'Where
axes.
'I don't
says he.
in at th'
quest,' says I.
"I see Hogan
a joke iv
ye a
just
th'
his
I,
ye goin'?'
may
'but I
an' listen to
an
me
in-
holi-
I.
next day an' asked him
'Why,' says
ye'ersilf at ye'er
man mth
ar're
'I've got to spend
played.
f'r
Hogan was
three with wan
know,' says
morgue
day someway,' says
why he
kick
me
to
was at
choppin'
wud
So they wint
Hogan spoke
roUickin' on.
said:
to himsilf :
in twelve/ an' Larkin
his ball over to th' next tee.
He
chanst on a
Hogan wud say
puttin'-green an'
'I'm
157
I,
'd'ye
time iv
a family?' says
I.
make
life,
an'
'That's
'I do it because iv me
me fam'ly cares,' says he. 'I
anny man in th' wurruld to get a bad
it,'
says he.
time iv hfe an'
defy
lie
in a
bunker an' think iv annything
He's that
mad
all
his other sorrows,
else.
his
ON GOLF
158
debts, his sins, an' his future, disappears/
he says, 'Hke a summer cloud in a hur'cane.
I'm that onhappy nawthin' bothers me. If
a
man come up
afire I'd
it is,'
in'
an' told
not hear him.
me me
I don't
says he, 'onless,' he says,
house was
know what
'it's th' feel-
that ye're bein' persecuted.
sinse iv injustice that's stirred
It's ye'er
up
in ye,
that makes ye injye a round,' says he."
" Is th' Prisident a good goluf player, d'ye
know, at all?" asked Mr. Hennessy after a
moment of judicial silence.
"As a goluf player he cud
give Lincoln
a sthroke a hole," said Mr. Dooley.
ON "THE "GAME OF CARDS"
"Who
d'ye suppose iver invinted cards
?'*
Mr. Hennessy asked.
"Faith," said Mr. Dooley, "ye'll have to
ask some wan older thin me. Wan ivme
arhest ricollections was seein' me father pull
a pack out iv his coat-tail pocket, wet his
thumb, and dale a hand to th' village smith.
I know they're that old annyhow. Hogan
says the origin iv cards
an' be th'
dim
is lost
light iv th'
in antikity,
dawn
iv civiliza-
man, says he, took a peek at
his neighbor's hand an' hauled an ace out
He says all games iv cards ar-re
iv his boot.
Like as not Moses could
as old as th' hills.
bate ye at siven up, an' Jool3ms Cayzar
tion, primitive
make a hare
iv ye at forty-fives.
" I don't suppose there's anny game iv cards
I haven't played, or
anny wan that
Th' style iv thim changes too quick
I study
thim
all
as they
159
come
I
know.
f'r
me.
along, an'
ON "THE GAME OF CARDS"
160
about
th'
payed
f'r
time
an'
me
is finished and
where I can pro-
idjacation
I'm at
th' pint
f 'r me money till midnight,
me frinds stop pla}dn' th' game I've lamed
long th' struggle
all
an' start somethin' new, an' I
aU over
have to begin
an' take another expinsive coorse.
"What makes the style iv card games? I
Imow anny mxOre thin what makes thim
don't
in
women's
IMaybe there's an
clothes.
inter-
naytional s'ciety iv card-sharks that meets
in convintion at
Monyco
Monty
in th' chair.
Carlo, th' Prince iv
It
a dignified an'
is
ortherly gatherin', somethin' like the
New
York Constitootional Con\antion, on'y more
thoughtful.
be
Th'
\'isitor is
th' sight iv these
much
impressed
pale grane faces with
There
their wealth iv purple mustaches.
no need iv
minated be
dillygates.
electric lights.
th'
dimon
They
set
in
Th' hall
shirt
is
is illu-
studs iv th'
thought-
silence,
fully shakin' dice into their hats or sharp-
enin' their finger nails with goold
files.
In
exhibit
th' corridor there is
iv
loaded
dice,
an
handled
inthrestin'
electhric
roulette
ON "THE GAME OF CARDS
wheels,
tific
phoney
devices
^'
161
dailin' boxes, an' other scien-
f'r
rehevin' the suff'rin rich iv
rooms
lamed pro-fissors have then' clmics where
they show how to skin two suckers at wan
time while keepin' th' third on ice; new
methods iv concealin' th' taste iv chloral
in th' champagne; various ways iv slippin'
th' nicissary gilt to th' reform mayor iv th'
town, an' so on through all iv th' schemes.
"Th' chairman in his openin' addhress
says he is pained to repoort a marked detheir
anxieties.
In
small
cline in business durin' th'
war has made
customers,
th' front an'
He was
frightful
manny
iv
lecture
past year.
Th'
on their
have gone to
im-oads
whom
got what was comin' to thim.
glad to be able to say that so far as
he knew not a single pro-fissyonal gambler
had enhsted
sthrife.
given
on
m
(Applause.)
new proof
and needless
pro-fissyon had
this horrible
Th'
iv its consarvitism an' carrid
th' hon'rble thradition that
no
rale
gam-
a chance, (Cheers. A voice :
'Why should one?') Th' gintleman (Pat-
bler iver took
11
162
hand Pete) was
we ?
Why
right.
wan form
This was
should indeed
iv shell-game that
th' profissyon didn't care about.
It
was not
"Still;
Th'
fair.
he wint on,
with
crisis,
wud
it
profissyon to rest on
They faced a
its
not do
f'r th'
well-amed
an' they
methods.
scientific
(Laughter.)
shells Vvêre loaded.
larls.
must meet
In his own
it
ter-
had come to a sthandstill.
Th' Rooshyan tlu-ade had practically ceased
He had been able to rejooce exto exist.
ritory business
pinses be cuttin' off th' Eyetalian countesses
fr'm th' pay-roll an'
corryspondints, an' he
dened with
But
cides.
firin'
newspaper
was no longer bur-
th' fun'ral expinses iv th' sui-
to
show
to
what
been rejooced, he would
in
th'
sthraits
tell
he had
the dillygates
confidence that in ordher to keep his
autymobill in gas he had been obliged to
shoot
craps with
th'
head waiter iv
th'
'He is a Swiss,' th' Prince
like most iv that proud race
Caffe de Paree.
wint on, 'an'
sincerely attached, not to say rivetted to his
money,
but,'
he added with a
smile, 'I shot
thrimmed
big Dick an'
th'
163
Helveetyan down
{Loud an' prolonged laugh-
to his passport.'
and applause.)
ter
"Yet, he
hght in
said,
there
darkness.
th'
stock exchanges iv th'
prarely closed th'
wurruld an' caused
th'
members
iv
an
was a glimmer iv
Th' war had tim-
much
disthress
allied thrade,
glad to say that these
among
but he was
dumps were open
wanst again, an' anny methropolitan hick
cud while away a few pleasant hours an'
anny amount iv money, bettin' that th'
Kenosha Pie Facthry has received an ordher
fr'm th' Boolgahryan governmint
f'r
three
hundherd millyon siventy-cintemether guns.'
But these were exciptions. In gin'ral, busi-'
ness was bad. It was to America, land iv
opportunity, where a wise guy is born ivery
half minyit, that th' fraternity
must look
f'r
He
guidance an' inspiration in this
crisis.
wud
New York
call
on the chairman
dillygation
expriss
"Th'
{Misther Short
iv th'
Card^ Luke)
to
an opinyon.
New York
leader said that while
ON "THE GAME OF CARDS
164
the
as
America was not as gr-reat
suff'rin' in
was
it
'*
in th' counthries cursed with war,
times were bad enough.
Siv'ral
new
pool-
rooms had started up an' th' bucket-shops
which had ahnost been rooned were now
ruimm' on half time. But there was much
disthress
other branches iv industhree.
in
HC; himsilf; had been timpted
be
th'
times
thought iv
caused to old and faitMul employees
who
wud be
dark
foorced
on
sthreets
ame
th'
out into th'
into tears
"Th'
iv
till
cold,
most inclement nights to
a pree-caryous
(Murmurs
,
siv'ral
had on'y been pre-vinted
th' suff rin' that wud be
to close down, an'
li\dn' f'r their fam'lies.
sympathy,
wan
dillygate hustin^
he felt a hand on his watch.)
New York
that something
game must be
dillygate
new
in th'
went on to say
way iv a card
invinted to stim'late thrade.
Th' pubHc had become too famil3âr wdth
th'
prisint
games.
slang, as his father
He
did not often use
was a
cud p'raps best express
clergjTiian,
th'
but he
situation
be
sayin', in th'_ language iv th' sthreet: 'Th'
Come-ons
ar're wise to th' old stuff.'
such a pass had business
week he was obliged
come that on'y
tion,
iv
salaries
To
last
to sthrangle a customer
Manetime, he
at cassino in ordher to win.
said, fixed charges
165
such as rent, polis protecdalers,
cappers,
pluggers,
naggar porters, an' chemists, commissions
to hotel an' resthrant keepers,
He
were
pilin'
man
appint a comity to invint a
that
wud
up.
cethry,
new game,
resimble siv'ral old games but be
diff'rent frim
bler
et
suggisted that th' chair-
—such a pastime as a gam-
thim
cud lam in
tin years, an'
five minyits,
a gintleman in
a lady niver.
"Th' chairman appints
th'
comity which
repoorts in th' coorse iv a week.
later Basil Foorflush
an' finds little Cyril
th' brightest
young
A
month
dhrops into th' club,
van Steenevant, wan
fellows
iv
f 'r
th' size iv his
hat in th' club at that time.
'Cyril,' says
a new
way to'rds a receivership. I've got a new
game taught me be Count Zobeeny iv Aushe, 'ye're always inthrested in findin'
three,'
he says, pulhn' a pack iv cards out
166
iv his pocket.
f'r
a small
th' spoort
These
An'
I.
'Have a few more goblets
wine an'
iv sherry
play
—
diet's
I'll
lam
it
We'll
to ye.
bit while ye're mastherin'
say tmnty dollars a pint.
0. U.'s represints
th' nex'
my stake/ he says.
summer Pathand Pete
young van Steenevant
*
soft,
'Was
Dock?' says
Soft ?' says th' fi-nanceer.
bo, ye cudden't aven call
liquid.
him
is
th'
'Wliy,
soft.
He's
He's that soft that whin ye've gone
through him, ye don't know
Cyril
set-
is
tin' in th' purser's office iv th' liner.
mariner.
!
it,'
he says.
takin' his post-grajate coorse in th'
new game.
way a card game gets
an' maybe it's th' way th' game iv
begun. Annyhow all th' wurruld
"That must be
started,
auction
th'
that hasn't annything better to do
it.
is
playin'
In hundherds iv thousands iv homes
this fair land four
good
murdherously at each other over
th' cards.
in
friends are glarin'
th' tops iv
Millyons iv beautiful ladies ar-re
leadin' out iv th'
wrong hand an' thrumpin'
In me day a lady
their pardner's thrick.
J
167
i
wud
as soon've thought iv votin' or tumin' a
They played
handspring as iv gamblin'.
cards
ther
it is
f'r
started
thrue, but
was
f 'r
fun
—or
bet-
Th' game
enough afther sapper,^
had become a deadly
indignation an' anger.
pleasantly
but at nine-five
feud;
it
it
at nine-thirty, sarcastic insults were
passin' freely, an' just as th' clock sthruck
ten,
mother
into th'
pack at
fired th'
head or
father's
fire.
" But now-a-days
it is
no onconmion
sight'
to see th' fond parent poundin' th' mantelpiece with baby's
rassle
with th'
mated that
bank befure
Demon
goin' out to
Chance.
It is esti-
th' deposits in these Httle insti-
tutions has decreased ten millyon pennies
since
mother took to
no one is
baby with
th' cards, an'
surprised to see a lady feeclin' th'
wan hand an' revokin' with th' other.
Though I will say this that most gamblin'
ladies don't
have
not their long
suit,
fam'lies.
Childher ar-re
ye might say.
No,
I don't
play th' game, especyally with ladies.
did I'd have
me
head out
iv th'
If I
window
ON "THE GAME OF a\RDS"
polis.
half th' time callin' f r
A game iv
1G8
tli'
auction
among
wad make a
who cud mark
perfect ladies
cynic out iv th' Oregon Jew,
all th'
face-cards be shufHin' th' deck wanst.
Th' things he use do to a party iv retired
grocers in a hotel
game
iv a
Saturdah night
was effeminate compared mth what a lady
will do in an auction game.
A man's idee
crool, devastatin','
in a card game is war
an' pitiless. A lady's idee iv it is a combyna-
—
tion iv larceny, emlêzzlement, an' burglary.
In auction th'
to
show
fair sect
has ivry opporchunity
th' qualities that
card plajêrs to th' sect that
is
endear thim as
is
sthronger but
cursed with fear iv th' handcuffs.
''No, I niver played auction \\dth th' fair
sect,
but I wanst
lost a
But
bler in a street-car.
man's game, an'
game keeps up
if,
watch to a lady gam-
as
th'
I've seen a gintle-
Hogan
same
about as square as an egg.
says, th' ladies'
it must be
dhropped into
ratio
I
Gallagher's house th' other night.
is
a simple soul.
He
Gallagher
used to wurruk in the
claim department iv a sthreet-railroad.
Him
ON
"TI-IE
GAME OF CARDS"
169
and Larkin and Grady were playin' with.
Hogan. Hogan is wan iv the most lamed
card players in th' wurruld. He's what ye
might call a card-sharp. He wanst wrote a
book on games iv chanst, and th' same week
morgedged his house an' deposited th' proceeds in a ladin' faro-bank. I told him he
ought to write another book on games iv
skill an' endurance which was th' kind he
was up against.
"AnnyhoW; there he was sortin' th' cards
carefully, puttin' th' dimons among th'
hearts
an'
th'
clubs
among
th'
spades.
'Won't ye cut in?' says Gallagher with a
pleasant but hurried smile. 'No, Willum,'
says I. 'Ye may get me money, but 'twill
not be through dalin'
an' thrays.
me an
armful iv dooses
Ye'U have to go down to th'
ye'ersilf a brace an'
hardware store an' buy
bit an' a
*
Go
says
pound
iv joynt powdher,' says I.
an' administher th' anaesthetic to Hogan,'
I.
Hogan.
make
it two
mamalook,'
'Why, ye
So they begins.
clubs,' says
*I
says I in a whisper, 'ye haven't got a club
ON "THE GAME OF
170
in ye'er hand. '
to
me
tell
says.
'
Hush up/
CARDS''
That's
'
sscys he.
pardner I'm short iv dimons/ he
why
,/Thin
don't ye kick
him undher
th' table an' pint to ye'er sliirt-front ? ' says
wud be
'That
I.
cheatin'/ says he.
what's this?' says
tion/ says he.
th'
most
"Tis
I.
'It's
givin' informa-'
what makes
scientific in th'
'An',
th'
game
wurruld/ he says.
"Well, Hinnissy, I ain't goin' to thry to'
describe
here
this
gr-reat
annyhow, an'
didn't last long
stand most iv
sthruggle.
It
I didn't under-
But Hogan explained
it.
afther I'd paid his sthreet-car fare home.
'Ye see/ he
pardner as
ye'er
said, 'th' idee is to give ye'er
much
biddin'
information as ye can be
an'
ye'er
signals/
he
says.
That
dimons but
'F'r instance/ says he, 'I bid a club.
tells
have
me
pardner I'm weak in
th' ace, king, ten, an'
doose iv hearts
an' th' queen, twice garded in spades.
I
make
it
three spades
it
manes that
I
If
have
no spades but a long club
suit,
three Httle
hearts an' th' ace, queen,
six,
an' four iv
dimons.
If I
make
it
a heart I
tell
me pard-
ner I can help a no thrump
it
"'That's enough/ says
game, a
fine
he's sthrong
'
make
If I
in clubs.
if
171
gintlemanly game.
don't ye simplify it?
a fine
'It's
I.
But why
use iv
"What's th'
painin' ye'er intelleck with all these calkla-
tions ? '
says
I,
'
What cud
do ? says he.
I
'ye might write a
little
him undher
'That
th' table.'
'This
formation/ says he.
is givin'
Why/
note to ye'er
pardner describin' ye'er hand an'
in'/ says he.
'
'
slip it
wud be
to
cheat-
legitimate in-
'Well/ says
I,
'I
no-
ticed that Gallagher didn't bother his pard-
ner with any such inthricate system.
way
iv givin' information is
an' simple.
His
more nachral
I don't imdherstand this gintle-
manly pastime but wan time whin ye made
it
a heart I watched that innocent fellow.
He
hand
Thin
he counted his suits with his finger while ye
were gazin' into ye'er beautiful hand as if
'twas a mirror. Thin he said: "Hearts,
eh?" Thin he laid down his cards and
studied his
f'r
two muiyits.
looked over at Grady an' up at th'
ceilin'.
ON "THE GAME OF CAKDS"
172
Thin he picked up th' hand again an' studied
If Grady
it with a frown an' said: "Pass."
didn't know what to do afther that, Grady
oughtn't to be at large in a gr-reat city.
But he did.'
"No, sir, I niver
will
play auction.
not avarse to a game iv poker, an' I'm
I'm
will-
to concede a percintage to th' readiest
in'
cheater.
That's
on'}- fair.
I've played that
old-fashioned pastime with fellow mimbers
iv th'
County Democracy whin there was
on'y thirty-six cards left in th'
th'
first
roimd.
I've
deck afther
played in a game
where if a man was called to th' tiltyphone
he took his cards and checks with him, an'
whin he came back passed six times without
lookin'.
But to be pleasant an' romantic,
cheatin' ought to be secret.
It loses all its
flavor
it
when
WTio
To make
practised in th' open.
accoordin' to rule
wud come
is like licensin'
to be a burglar
if
burglary.
'twas law-
ful?
"But
'Why
ye'll
never cure Hogan iv gamblin'.
does he do it?' says ye.
Faith, I
don't know.
If
173
Hogan could bate the game
he wudden't enjy
it.
He'd go on batin'
but he wudden't be happy.
Ye
it
don't see
anny profissyonal gambler singin' at his
wurruk anny more thin a bank prisident.
Ivry night whin he has finished his breakfast, he kisses his wife at th' onyx dure iv
their home an' hurries down-town in his
autymobill to his labors. Thin with a
weary sigh he takes off his coat, puts th'
elastic band around his sleeves, an' th'
sthraw hat without a top on his head,
shuffles th'
cardS; tests th' dice, sees that
th' springs ar-re wTirrukin' in th' roulette-
wheel, lays out th' knock-out dhrops on th'
side-boord, and waits f'r Hogan.
" In due time he comes, iv coorse, an' goes
through the usual formalities befure passin'
over his week's wages to th' banker.
if
ye watch
pier?
Is
it
th'
two
faces,
which
is th'
But
hap-
Hogan who is losin',
Mose who is winnin'? Th'
our frmd
or our frind
pro-fissyonal has a weary, pained look, but
in th' amachoor's eyes there is a bright light
ON "THE GAME OF CARDS'*
174
iv hopeless but
he
may
knows he
avarice.
it.
He
thinks
But Mose
can't, an' that takes all th' flavor
out iv Mose's
dhering
happy
win, but he doubts
life.
why Hogan
In his mind he
should come so far
wonwhin
money be
mail.
he cud just as well sind
th'
is
Fin'Uy he can stand th' sthrain no longer.
He
gives a kick undher th' table, calls out:
'Double
last iv
on
th' green' an' hauls in th'
a wanst proud fortune."
"I don't see army objiction to a game iv
among frinds," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Nor me either," said Mr. Dooley, "if
'twas possible. I've seen a game iv cards
start among frinds, but I niver see frinds in
a game iv cards. It don't stand to raison
that ye can love annywan that's tuggin' at
cards
ye'er watch-chain."
ON THE ORANGE REVOLUTION
OF
"D'ye happen
1914
to know, Hinnissy/'
Dooley asked, "where I cud get
th'
Mr.
loan
iv a pike?"
"Ah, what ar-re ye talkin' about?" said
Mr. Hennessy. "What wud ye be wantin'
with a pike?"
"Ye'U need wan ye'ersilf befure long,"
"If ye're goin' by th'
said Mr. Dooley.
Clan rooms on ye'er way home plaze dhrop
in an' look in th' closet an' see
a few old wans
brightenin'
an'
with thim, says ye ?
in'
th' pa-apers.
Day
if
there ain't
pay for sharpenin'
thim up. What'U we do
left.
I'll
Ye'd betther be r-read-
Why,
befure Pathrick's
a sure thing ye'll get a writin' ordherin' ye to report f'r jooty in Dublin to
it's
crown again the
the north. Ye wudden't
protict th' authority iv th'
seditious uprisin' in
amiy such purpose, says ye? Well,
thin I'll put it more to ye'er lildn'. They'll
go
f'r
175
ORANGE REVOLUTION OF
176
be
on ye to repoort
callin'
heads
th'
f'r
1914
jooty to knock
a lot iv Orangemen that
off iv
ar-re thryin' to prevint Ireland fr'm gettin*
home
rule.
A-ha, I
knew
that'd get ye.
Now
wiU ye go fetch th' pikes. I was sure
ye wud.
"I wish't me Uncle Mike was alive. How
he'd injye it.
He'd be over there now
dhrillin'
more good out
thin
He
th' boys.
wan
always said he got
iv fightin'
an Orangeman
iv th' right sort because he niver
it th' day afther.
Th' on'y
have about th' prisint ruction
is that he'd have th' polls on his side.
He
woidden't like that much an' it might make
felt
sorry
f'r
regret he'd
him luke-warm. But I don't mind it at aU.
F'r five hundhred years more or less ye an'
me, Hinnissy; have had th' mercinary polls
an' sojers takin' a hand again us in our neigh-
now
borly rowS; an'
iv
iv
men ar-re
me boy
it,
tirely,
tliim
splindid bodies
goin' to be with us.
!
We
d'ye mind.
Think
won't rely on thim
in-
We're goin' to have some
fim out iv this thriumph afther five cinchries
—
UKANGE REVOLUTION OF
be with us as
'Twill
iv opprission.
with thim whin they had
throw
th'
name
iv th' king
I'll
*
say
1914
th' right.
177
was
it
First
rock an' thin say: 'Officer, in th'
it if it's
Officer, in th'
'
—
it
on'y
name
may
f'r th'
choke
me
but
pleasanthry
iv the king arrest that
man His father dhropped a monkey-wrench
on me imcle's head in th' year forty-two.
!
Won't he go quitely?
me good
fellow.
Ye
I'll
Come,
help ye.
won't.
Thin, Sander-
son, take that, an' that, an' also these.'
It
makes me a young man again to think
iv
it.
"Th' way th' gr-reatest joke that has
iver happened in th' wurmld come about
was this way. I needn't be tellin' ye how
long we've been sthrugglin' to get
rule.
We
home
thried ivry kind iv persuasion
Enghsh Govermint
powdher midher
arg5miint was th' best
fr'm talkin' gently to th'
to puttin' a charge iv jojnit
their chairs.
Th'
last
but Enghshmen ar-re awful unapproachable
if
they've got something ye want, so
it
wasn't
often aisy to get near enough to thim to
12
178
But wan day
con-vince thim this way.
afther
an
prime ministher
pencil an' pa-aper an' figured
.',
how manny votes in pariimint he had
an' how manny he had again him
out
for
;tion th' British
il
took out
1914
him
an' says he to himself, 'Be Jove/ he says,
'if th'
Irish don't vote
all lose
So he sinds f'r Jawn
'Jawn/ he says, 'I
our jobs/ he says.
Redmond
with us we'll
an' says he:
intend to share th' fruits iv our gloryous
victhry with ye,' he says.
victhry,'
he says.
says
'Yes,' says th'
party
'Th'
lib'ral
with
its loyal aUies,'
a program that
to this:
"A
'Our gloiyous
Jawn Redmond.
is
'Go
on,'
prime ministher.
disposed to be gin'rous
he says.
'I've prepared
I think wdll suit ye.
Listen
larger navy, restoration iv th'
statue iv Ohver Cromwell, repairs on Can-
terbury Cathedral,
army increase and fin'Uy
members to th' British
free passes f'r all Irish
Museem.'"
says
an'
'
Yr'er ginerosity overpowers me,
Jawn Redmond.
me
'But, ye see, mesilf
frinds ar-re sthrangers over here an'
have no insular prejudices about what party
we belong
1914
179
Bein' able to pick an' choose
to.
th' Tory party looks
most tasty/ he says. 'Oh!' says th'
prime ministher, 'there's another thing I
we've decided that
th'
How
f 'rgot.
wild ye
lilie
home
rule ?
'
says
'Well/ says Jawn, 'now that ye min-
he.
tion
it th'
subjick has crossed
me mind. But
'How wud
nineteen hun-
whin?' he says.
dhred an' sixty sthrike ye?' says
'Perfectly/ says
ministher.
'But ye must excuse me.
th'
prime
Jawn Redmond.
I have
an engagement at Toiy headquarters at two an' it's
now wan-forty-five/ he says. 'If that's
th' case/ says th' prime ministher, 'let's shed
now
oar coats
,
What
an' get
down
to business.
d'ye want
he says.
"So we're goin' to have what they
?
measure
in
a measure
heads
hope
'
home rule.
it'll
f'r this
be.
I don't
call
know how
a
big
We've got pretty good
here form iv intoxicant an' I
we'll get at laste
is
like dhrink, Hinnissy.
at
all
Freedom
ye take anny
a quart.
If
ye might as well take enough to make
ye happy
f'r
awhile.
180
" Well, whin
dig with th'
1914
news got to th' boys that
wrong fut there was th' divvle
th'
Ivry Orangeman
an' all to pay.
in th' ship
yards dhi'opi3ed his tools on top iv his fellow
workman
iv th' tlnne faith an'
start
rivolution.
th'
There've been gran'
meetin's ivr^where an'
that
made
men
iv ours
wint out, to
say this
I'll
tliim, f'r they're fellow
f'r
thim
coimthry-
though nayther iv us Tviid condescind to admit it f'r wan minjdt, I say
this, they were gran', bould, fightin' speeches.
Says
th'
Marquess
land an' sold groceries
no
man
is
second to
'Me
iv INIonaghan,
cestors shed their blood or
f'r this
me
an-
annyhow rented
counthry, an'
in lilety to th' Brit-
Crown, but I say this that if th' Govermint iv Great Britain passes a biQ that will
ish
make
me
come over
here f'r th' shootin' I mesilf will lead an
ar-my iv five millyon Ulster men that wiU
disolate this island, cross th' Irish sea, march
on London an' set fire to Buckingham Palace.
I
it
am no
more
diificult f'r
bigot,'
to
he says, 'an' I
This
peal to ye'er prejudices.
will
is
not ap-
a purely
polytickal
1914
181
question an' I wndden't inthr-
jooce relligon
into
it.
So
I
merely say:
Here's to King William, iv gloryous mim'ry,
Pope an' down with brass
wooden shoes.' Says th' Jook
con-fusion to th'
money
an'
Ballyhoo:
iv
thirty-five
Ît's
I've been in Ireland, but
this odjous
measure
whin
years
I heerd iv
Monte
I hastened fr'm
Carlo to be prisint at this ruction.
I think
th'
noble lord undherestimates th'
we
will
raise.
It
will
be
since
ar-my
at laste
siven
hmidhred thousan'. But we
There must be no
must sthrike at wanst.
I have an engagement in th' South
delay.
iv France f'r th' first iv March.' Th' meetin'
millyon five
thin
sang:
^Croppies Lie
Down/ ^Boyne
Wather' an' other naytional anthems an'
adjourned.
"'Tis a sthrange thing, Hinnissy,
Orangemen keep
still
singin'
how
th'
their prejudices an' ar-re
thim foolish old songs about
things that happened hundherds iv years
ago.
Thrae, we sing:
an 'Th' Shan Van
'O'Donnell Aboo*
Voight,'
but
they're
182
1914
good songs an' we sing thim with jovyality.
But 'tis diff'rent with th' Orangeman. He
has a
feelin'
Ye
ye.
will
Not always, mind
know that we live on th' best
again us.
iv teims with tliim
most
iv th' year.
'Tis
on'y whin their disagreeable nature crops
out that there's trouble.
I well
remimber
whin I come first to th' Ar-rchy road there
there was an Orangeman kept th' grocery
store on th' next corner, a man be th' name
iv Foster, an' as good a httle feUow as iver
ye see. He was a gr-reat frind iv mine but
wan
'twas twinty to
store
on Pathrick's Day
iv
in'
that
th'
Green,'
I wint
if
singin' 'Th'
by his
Wear-
d'ye mind,
nachurlly,
throw something at me out
iv a window, and not wanst but a dozen
times he's been so msultin' an' irritatin'
on th' Twelfth iv July that I've had to chase
lords him, he'd
him blocks down
"Rilhjon
is
right.
But
all
into
it
with
it.
th' sthreet.
a quare thing.
sprinlde a
an' dinnymite
Alone
it
is
bran
Be
little
flour
prepares a man
itsiK it's
pollyticks
compared
f r a betther
1914
183
Combined with poUyticks it hurries
him to it. D'ye suppose th' oV la-ads who
started all these things cinchries ago had
anny rellijion ? Divil th' bit th' likes iv thim
iver had; thin or iver.
They wanted to get
a piece iv land or a bunch iv money an'
they knew they cudden't get annybody to
lave home an' fight just be sayin', 'I want
life.
So they made a reUijous
land and money.'
issue out iv
it.
They
said to th'
lilies
iv
you an' me: 'That fellow over there thinks
ye ar-re goin' to hell whin ye die. Ye take
his life an'
I'll
take his land an' his money.*
"I don't blame
th'
quesses an' th' earls
home
rule.
jooks an' th' mar-
f'r
bem'
cross about
Business in their line has been
some time an' manny iv th' Irish
peers has had to go to wurruk sellin' wioe
or marryin' American heiresses.
But ye'd
wondher why a hero that's calldn' seams
bad
f'r
or forgin' bolts in a Belfast ship yard
care
who
ruled Ireland.
idea in his head that
if
But
wud
he's got
an
th' fellows that lead
us took a holt they'd do th' same to
him
184
1914
that his leaders did to us whin they were
on top. He can see himsilf goin' to whativer kind iv a haythen service th' Prisbyteryans have in a barn, an' Httle Prisbyteryan
boys larnin' their a-b-abs behind a hedge
an' you, Hinnissy, chasin' th' Jook or Earl
or whativer he
is,
in
Roscommon
off
th'
potato patch that his father chased ye'er
father off fifty years ago. That's why he is
singin'
'Lilibulero' an' tearin'
up
th' pave-
ment.
"But I'm afraid nawthin' wiU come iv it
but more wurruk f'r th' sthreet department
iv Belfast an' Londonderry^ I'll sleep with
me pike alongside me bed an' be ready to
go over at a minyit's notice.
be needed.
there'U be
But
I'll
not
There's harly a chanst that
anny
fun.
Our angry
Httle frinds
fr'm over beyant wiU have to go back to
wurruk whin th' whistle blows an' save their
rellijon f'r Sundahs an' their poUyticks f'r
Th' jooks an' th' earls will go
holidays.
home to England an' in a few years we'll
hear th' same tired joke about this Rivo-
lution that th' boys
who
tell
wans at dinners have been
our rivolutions for a cinchery.
1914
th'
old, old
tellin'
Sir
185
about
Ed. Car-
who is at th' head
movement will say:
son, th' inthrepid lawyer,
iv
th'
blood-thirsty
'We had
tin
millyon Ulsthermen ar-rmed
to th' teeth ready to rise at a signal.
why
didn't they!
th' constablry.'
little
An'
They were pinched be
F'r ye can put this in ye'er
book that no
rivolucliion
iver
ceeded that didn't have the polls with
sucit."
"An' so," said Mr. Hennessy, "we've got
them with us at last, an' we aren't goin'
to get annything out iv it afther all these
years iv oppression?"
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I think
ought to stop
th'
all
we
Orange procissyons on
Twelfth iv July with inthrests iv peace
an' ordher."
"That'd be grand," said Mr. Hennessy.
ON
"If
did
there's
f'r
day he
DAY
PATRICK'S
wan
Ireland
annything
th'
ST.
thing that St. Patrick
that
else/'
said
I
betther thin
like
Mr.
Dooley,
fixed f'r his birthday.
verted th' haythen chiefs
He
"'tis
con-
thme, an' he
th'
dhrove out
snakes an' a good job he made
iv both, but he niver showed his saintly
charackter betther thin whin he fixed on
'tis
March f'r his bu'thday.
knows
whin
he was bor-rn. He
wan
No
wuddent tell an' no more wud I. But he
th' siventeenth iv
was a thoughtful
nissy, an'
an' a janyal
says he to himsilf:
man, Hin'Iv coorse
afther I've gone fr'm this pleasant island
no more, th' good people that come
will want to cillybrate me birth.
I've got to fix a date f'r thim whin it won't
be a hardship. It must be a big day that
iv'ry wan'll look for'ard to with hope an'
look back on with regret that it's past.' So,
to return
afther
me
186
ON
DAY
PATRICK'S
ST.
187
an injanius man as well as holy, an'
well read in th' calendar, he named a day
that was sure to fall somewheres in th' middle
bein'
iv Lent.
"An' now, about
I'm beginnin' to get
fine
thing in
its
this
time iv th' year
tired iv Lent.
way
an'
'tis
It's
a
betther an'
cheaper thin that place where ye'er boss
goes whin he's had too
—Carlsbad,
th' soul as
that's
weU
it
much to
—
ate an' dhrink
good f'r
But about th'
^besides bein'
as th' body.
end iv the first month I begin to feel that
I'm too healthy an' far betther tliin anny
man ought to be in this sinful wurruld.
Sthrange things happens to me. I find that
I can lose me temper an' stiU keep enough
Th' sight
f'r a quar'l with me best frinds.
a fish-hook makes me tar-rn pale. All
eggs have lost their freshness. I refuse credit
iv
to
all
me
customers but th' Jew an' th'
Whin
her}i;ic, as
a matther iv principle.
go to wind
th' clock I can't see it f'r lookin'
I
at th' pipe that I put on th' shelf back iv
the clock on Shrove Choosdah.
I
wondher
ON
188
ST.
whether I can
lijous
last.
I beghi readin'
books to see whether
me
akel to
wan
to Pathrick's
can stick
day
it
it
March
teenth iv
say
me
out.
is
ain't
Day
It's
on'y
an' a dauntless
But, dear me,
a long day.
in th' year.
al-
eye catches
date on th' top iv a pa-aper.
two days
est
An' I'm
is
pipe full iv kinni-
kinnick whin th' corner iv
man
rel-
thrade in a couple
offer to
iv millyon years f'r
up
rewards
th'
heeroyic sacrifices.
most ready to
th'
DAY
PATRICK'S
th' six-
It's th' long-
Haythen asthronomers
but I know betther.
same token th' siveenteenth
It don't
It's Hke a dhream.
is
An' be
th*
th' shortest.
last
more thin
a minyit but a millyon things can happen
in it.
Annyhow it comes ar-round at last.
Many
iv
me
me, mind
on
in
th'
me
frinds goes out to
ye.
meet
But ye can bet I'm
dure step waitin'
f'r it
with
it.
Not
standin'
me
pipe
hand.
"I'm woke up be a detachment iv th'
fr'm Brighton Park marchin'
by with a la-ad blowin' 'Garry Owen' on
a fife a chune that's made war a pleasure
a-o-aithches
—
ON
ST.
DAY
PATRICK'S
189
They've took
in ivry part iv the wiirruld.
no chances on bein' left out iv th' parade
but started befure daybreak. All th' r-road
is bloomin' in green.
There ar-re green
flags with yellow harps on thim in ivry window excipt O'Leary's an' he puts out what
he calls th' 'pagan sunburst iv oV Ireland/
which was th' flag he says that we followed
befoure we were converted. He's th' turrble haythen but Father Kelley seys, Niver
'
mind him. He's
th'
on'y citizen in th' ward,
excipt th' foreigners, that I have to thry
to convert/ he seys.
'But
f'r
him/ he
says,
me argymints, maybe become
soft an' lose me punch.
Don't bother him.
He keeps me in intelechool exercise/ he
'An' he's a good man besides,' he
says.
'I'd f'rget all
says.
"But ivrybody
rick's
Day.
is
an Irishman on Path-
Schwartzmeister
comes
up
wearin' a green cravat an' a yard long green
badge
an' says:
'Faugh-a-ballagh, Herr
Dooley/ which he thinks is Irish f'r 'Good
Mornin'.
But ye niver can teach him anny'
ON
190
PATRICK'S
ST.
He's been in this counthry forty
thing.
years an' don't
know
Cohen
frind Ikey
emeralds in
not along
undhr
Me good
th' language.
jines
he's left th' glassware at
down
DAY
me
I obsarve
an'
home
an'
is
come
will
th' sthreet
Httle
wearin'
Like as
th' front iv his shirt.
Hip Lmig fr'm
with a package iv shirts
his ar-mi, an' a green ribbon in his
cue.
"Over at
so
much
ye'er house there hasn't been
excitement since Chris'mas
Th' childher are up befure
in'.
wagon goes by
an' ye're
mom-
th' first milk-
up an' around not
ye can't sleep with thinkin'
This is th' day ye
have to carry th' big banner in th' front iv
long afther
f'r
iv ye'er responsibility.
th'
second division an'
takes a thoughtful
sure-footed
man
'tis
man
no sinycure.
an' a sthrong an'
an' ye're all that f'r a little
D'ye mind th' windy day
four whin ye were blown acrost
man.
an'
down
into Clauncy's cellar?
th' comical sight.
I have to laugh.
It
in sivintyth' sthreet
Ye were
Ivry time I think iv
But ye weren't
as
it
bad as
ON
PATRICK'S
ST.
They do
Lonegan.
tell
me
three blocks off th' line iv
DAY
191
he was carried
march
an' sus-
pinded fr'm a second-story stoop.
"The
'Wliat kind iv a fine mornm'
th'
good
woman
says:
"^What's a
forks.'
a day?' says ye.
breakfast
pitch-
dampness on such
Afther ye've had ye're
little
th' hat.
It's
a band-box an' th' good wife
dent irned out iv
th'
Packey kicked
An'
it?'
is
'It's rainin'
time to get out
it's
in th' closet in
has had
up
thing ye ask whin ye get
first
is:
in it
it
that
whin ye put
little
on
it
th'
pew on Chiis'mas day. Ye thiy
on an' ivrywan says it's most becomm'
an' as good as new. Thhi ye hoist on th'
regalia an' out ye go lookin' lilve a whole
flure iv th'
it
pro-cissyon
all
be
ye'ersilf an'
noses flattened again th'
with th' family
window
to see
ye
start.
"Will I march?
got to a time iv
most
stationary.
long ago.
if
I
I can't, Hinnissy.
life
whin
me
I've
feet ar-re al-
They stopped
walkin'
have to tow thim now.
But
ye'U cast ye'er eye over at th' northeast
192
ON
ST.
PATRICK'S DAY
corner iv th' sthreet below an' see a dignifiedlookin'
gintleman standin' in a group iv
ladies an' childher with
two Hinnissies on
his shoulders an' another
on
be me.
his head, that'll
I've promised to take ye'er family
to see th'
ol'
fellow battlin' with th' ilimints.
Th' sthreets ar-re lined with people but
They have no
there is no disturbance.
throuble keepin' th' polis in ordher.
Did
ye iver see a polisman get rough with a PathThere was wan wanst.
rick's Day crowd?
This
I know because I helped buiy him.
wan day whin th' constablry has got to
have manners. It's no longer 'Get back
there/ but 'Won't ye plaze stand back out
is
ivth'way?' 'Come an' put me back.' 'Won't
ye kindly step back?' 'I will not.' 'But
th' lady behind ye can't see.'
Why didn't ye
'
say so at
right up.
first?
Excuse me, madam.
Bring up
get out iv th' way.
hat or keep movin'.
iv glass,
th' childher.
Officer,
take
Terence,
off ye'er
D'ye think ye're made
wurrud fr'm me
just because a
wud break ye
Step
at headquarthers ?'
ON
PATRICK'S
ST.
a long time
It takes
Day parade
a Pathrick's
193
nobody minds.
"It's a long wait but
Laohral.
DAY
It's
to start
f'r
because ivrj^body
looks as though they ought to be in front.
There
'Here
many
ar-re
the}^
alarms an' cries iv
false
come/ fr'm
Finally
th' childher.
a fellow that's been up on a lamp-post since
befure ye
eight o'clock gives a shout an'
can think
back
is
thin
way
it
in front
that horse does.
does a
tords th' crowd
thin
jig,
till
all
on horse-
Niver did a horse
the chief marshal.
cut up th'
first,
Out
begun.
it's
It waltzes,
polkies over
it
scream.
th' ladies
Ye'd think it'd been loaned to th' marshal
be an inimy an' is thryin' to throw th' marshal
he
off.
ain't.
But
He
is
chair at home.
popylace.
ibex.
body
if
he was in a rockin'
There's an aisy smile on
He waves
Be
bet
sets as comfortable on top iv
that crazy animal as
his face.
Ye
that hero scared?
his
hivins,
baton at
th'
man
th' cheerin'
cud ride a
A
Afther him come his aides.
iv horsemen, all but
he stops in front iv
me he
Whin
'How do
Clancy.
says:
fine
13
ON
194
'Ye look
I look?'
goeth befure a
ye/ says
me
he.
DAY
PATRICK'S
ST.
fine/ says
says
fall/
I.
I.
'But pride
'Go on with
'This charger cudden't throw
hundherd years/ he says. 'Well/
good book that
th' proud will be humbled an' thim that
ride on Pathrick's Day will walk th' r-rest
in a
says
I,
'I've r-read in th'
week/ I says.
"Thin comes th' dhrum-major with a
iv th'
bearskin cap on th' back iv his head an'
he throws
finger.
est.
'Is that
'It is
it
on
th'
end iv
'That
I.
money enough
pay ye'er father
do/ saj^s I. Hooray
to
f'r
!
laugh at
us
f'r
that
man
in the
is
paid
wurruld
vdiat he's goin' to
There goes
a German band, iv coorse.
see th' joke.
his little
pappah?' says ye'er young-
not/ says
an' there am't
It's
top iv Finucane's
th' stick to th'
hall an' catches
but,
th'
band.
Th' pa-apers
faith,
I
don't
Iv coorse we've got to hire
Germans. What Irishman cud ye get to
blow a little pickeloo on a day like this ? Th'
on y time I iver saw an Irishman musicyan
in a Pathrick's
Day band
he'd volunteered
!
ON
ST.
PATRICK'S
to play th' bass-dhrum.
An'
DAY
195
want
to tell
I
ye that dhi"um knew who was th' masther
befure th' day was over. But niver mind.
They're playin' 'Th' Wearin' iv
Hit
it
me
up,
dhnmi,
that
'Th' Wearin' iv th'
—
Here they come
Rifles,
More
brave Bavaryans!
exercise with that thrombone,
coaxin'
th' Green.'
th'
Hans
!
Green'
Looey
Stop
D'ye think
!
is
a lullaby?
Zouaves, the Hibernyan
th' ancient order.
A
fine
bunch
iv
Kerrymen. Well done, Kerry! Here's th'
Look at th' crowd iv thim
Corkonyans
left
behind in Cork's own city ?
Is annybody
Hurrah f'r th' Tips.
That's Tipp'rary.
all
Kilkenny
Iv
th' towns iv Ireland
An'
Kilkenny f'r me. See th' dark May-o-men
'Be th' blessed sun, 'tis royally I'll sing thy
An' Wexford! Play 'Th'
praise. Mayo.'
Boys iv Wexford,' ye Dutchmen. What's
that noise up th' sthreet? Here they come.
Here ar-re th' fellows fr'm the best county
!
!
in
Ireland.
See thim, will ye with their
martial thread an' their chins in th'
They make
all
th'
rest iv th'
air.
parade look
196
ON
like
pigmies.
go iv me,
me
Oh,
Roscoinnion
ye
I tell
poor
DAY
PATRICK'S
ST.
feet,
I will
me
f'r
me.
Lave
march with thim.
threachorous, infirm
feet.
"An' who's that out in front? Look
childher, look, I tell ye. There he is. There's
da-da. An' up ye come, Hinnissy, with th'
big banner flyin' in th' wind above ye'er
head an' th' staff stuck so deep into ye that
maybe 'twill take Dock O'Leary to get it
Ye
Ye
out.
left.
can't look ayether to th' right or
can't see where ye're goin'.
eyes ar-re straight ahead.
!
tack
around.
I
!
it.
that banner
'
An' so ye go by an'
childher an' take thim home
That's
gather up th'
if
Hang on, me friend.
Throw her over. Brmg her
goes ye're goin' with
Tack
But
Ye'er
it.'
to put out th' slippers in front iv th' stove
an'
make
th' poultice f'r ye.
"Well, I didn't intind to get excited over
Day, but somehow or other
comes ar-round I feel like goin'
up on th' roof an' smgin' 'O'Donnell Aboo'
so all may hear. I don't know why."
this Patlnick's
ivrj'-
time
it
ON
ST.
"Maj^be,"
PATRICK'S DAY
said
Mr. Hennessy,
19V
"'tis be-
cause ye're Irish."
"I hadn't thought
"P'raps ye're
Dooley.
I niver
that/'
iv
right.
it's
how
'tis
is
know
It's
Mr.
Be
this
become an incur'ble habit. Ann}â good thing to be an Irishman
because people think that
\\ithout
said
something
have been able to get over.
time
does
It's
all
an Irishman
to laugh without a reason an' fight
an
objick.
But ye
an'
I,
Hinniss}-,
these thmgs ar-re on'y our divarsions.
a good thing to have people
size
ye up
wrong, whin they've got ye'er measure ye're
in danger."
"Sometunes I think we boast too much,"
Mr. Hennessy.
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "it's on'y on
Pathrick's Day v/e can hire others to blow
our horns f r us."
said
ON PAST GLORIES
"War/'
said
Mr. Dooley, "is
like
sthraw-
berry shortcake."
"What's got into ye'er head?" Mr. Hennessy demanded. "AMiat d'ye mane by th'
likes o'
that?"
"I mane/' said Mr. Dooley, "it ain't
what it was whin I was a young fellow an'
in th' ar-rmy.
Not; mind ye, that I iver
achally wint to war. But as Hogan says,
there are two sides to ivry man.
Wan side
is
commercyal, an'
th' other is sintimmtal.
Some men keep thim
apart in private an'
throt thim out together in public.
Others
niver let thim appear together where anny-
wan can see thim.
"In thim days I was a
business man, an'
I'd as soon iv thought iv shootin' arniyvân
f 'r
thirteen dollars a
thrunks
f'r
th'
month
as I
same money.
times whin I'd delivered
198
me
wud iv carrin'
But
often-
load an' got
me
ON PAST GLORIES
money
me
iv
an'
was
relieved iv th' responsibilities
was
position an'
dhrivin'
express wagon, I
wud dhream
ra-aly like to be
if
often
me dhreams
commerce
iv
199
I
had
carrid
an' led
me
iv
me
wud
home
in
what
I
me way, an' most
me fr'm th' avnoos
to th' thundhrin'
battle front.
"Manny a book iv war I'd read whin I
was young an' cud undherstand books, so
I had me uniI knew what war was like.
form all picked out f'r mesilf fr'm th' illusthrated pa-apers.
P'raps ye'd like to
know
th'
kind iv soot I wore fightin'
th'
comithry while ye lay sleepin' in recreeut
peace at home.
th' battles iv
'Twas not very exthrava-
gant.
"It was nawthin' more thin a plush hat
with a yard iv feathers stickin' out iv
it,
a
pale blue coat with goold bands, pink breeches
an' high patent leather boots with tassels
That was all.
"I was mounted on top
on
thim.
iv a fiery coal-
black charger that jigged an' side-stepped
undher me.
But
I
hung on
th' best I cud.
ON PAST GLORIES
L'OO
an'
wan hand
iv
finger
him with
conthrolled
aisily
Httle
th'
while in th'
other I
me head an enormous
bravely swung over
saber.
"At a wurrud
command
iv
I flung mesilf
again th' inimy an' often in a day slew as
mannj^ as
about
I
most desthructive dispatch
th'
An'
Pethrograd.
fr'm
it
was that
th'
sthrange thing
I niver got
hurted mesilf.
Me
Not that I was
courage was niver
was bold
to th' pint iv reck-
took good care iv that.
prudent;
mind
questioned.
lessness.
I
ye.
Sivral
chief called
f'r rashl}^ riskin'
kno^n
times
me down
th'
so val3"able a
ivry^where as
Dare
playin'; soords flashin';
'Forward,'
cries
th'
am
flyin' in th'
colonel;
me
an'
an' hurl mesilf again th' foe.
f'r
I
splendid
engaged with a joynt corrshoor whin
hear a cry
me
Bands
was in.
plumes
dhrive th' rowels into th' ribs iv
Arab steed
life.
army
I was
Di-v\de Dooley.
" Oh; but th' grand battles I
wind.
commander-in-
befure th' whole
I
I
help an' lookin' around I see
colonel surrounded be a scoor iv blood-
ON PAST GLORIES
push
me
Givin'
thirsty ruffyans.
last
opponent wan
in th' wishbone, I dhrive th' spurs
me
into th' quivrin' flanks iv
vant an'
201
He
frind.
faithful sar-
responds like a
same circumstances.
bein' in th'
human
That
is,
he jumps wildly forward.
"In a moment I am upon thim. With
wan sweep iv me soord I cut off a dozen heads.
With a do\vn stroke that
in'
in'
me
I larned
a pick, I cleave another to
which
be watch-
preciptor Maithre Hinnissy swing-
ol'
th'
is
Fr-rinch
th'
rest take to their heels, this bein' th'
way
th'
chine,
Th'
backbone.
f'r
quarc
thwarted assassins always rim
th' books.
on
back to
I place th' faintin' officer
saddle in front iv
me
an' gallop
in
th'
th'
cheerin' lines.
"Th' pa-apers print
ladies
sling kisses
at
me
me
pitcher, beautiful
fr'm behind th'
blinds iv th' balcony, an' befure th' whole
ar-rmy, th' aldhermen fr'm th'
first
ward
pins th' legend iv honor on th' chest iv th'
Irish dhragoon.
nawthin' too
As
much
f'r th'
f'r
him
colonel, there
to do to
is
show
ON PAST GLORIES
202
he does
his gratichood, an'
war
is
over he gives
me
it.
Afther th^
a good job in his
barn, an' I spind th' rest iv
me
Hfe clanin'
wurruk.
his horses an' singin' as I
"An' so it wint. Sabers flashin', plumes
bands playin'. 'Twas a long life as
well as a merry wan, f'r no wan ye cared
about iver got kilt or suffered anny worse
flyin',
hm-t thin a
iDullet in th'
leg or th' like iv
There was a doctor along, but all he
had to do was mix th' punch an' sing songs.
None iv th' heroes was iver sick, or sad about
that.
amiytliing excipt whin a Spanish lady re-
fused to
many
"Did ye
Dhragoon'?
Irish
if
him.
iver read 'Charles O'lVIalley, th'
Well, ye ought to get
it
ye want an acc'rate account iv what war
was
like
whin
good-by to
I didn't
die.
read:
don't
me
have
I enlisted to be a sojer, said
weepin' wife an' childer
—an'
Nowadays
if
rode
off
I pick
to conker or to
up a pa-aper
'Thrench digger pizened be
know whether
'tis
—that
an accident
an'
gas,'
I
in Jef-
ferson sthreet or th' end iv a military' career.
ON PAST GLORIES
203
In thim times war was a recreation an' a
Whin
spoort.
th' la-ads
wasn't fightin' they
were ayether carousin' or playin' a guitar
They were
undher a lady's window.
th'
gr-reatest aters, th' noblest dhrinkers, an' the
whole wurruld.
finest singers in th'
"Not on'y cud they
was
sing but no sojer
thought to be anny good onless he cud make
up
I
th' verses iv his
song as he wint along.
can almost remimber that sphndid book
wurrud f'r wurrud. Afther th' battle they
set around th' camp fire at supper, an' whin
th' more substantial part iv th' reepast had
been surrounded an'
idly toyin' with
th' gallant fellows
a roasted
be
called f'r ordher,
pig,
were
Major Hogan
bass dhrum
hittin' th'
with a ham-bone an' cried:
'Now
that th'
thri^yal business iv battle an' digestion has
been finished, we
will tur'rn to th'
seeryous theme, which
Captam
love.
I
always
call
on
Hinnissy, th' lark iv Ai-rchey rood,
to pipe us a ditty
witty
is
Himiissy
on
this subjick.'
responded
Th' iver
be hurlin' th'
Th' alert
ketchup bottle at his tormintor.
ON PAST GLORIES
204
Hogan ducked
th' missile
An'
a cry iv dismay.
else
but
th'
iv Gin'ral
but immejitly give
lookin'
stem features
up we saw who
an' martial bearin'
Th' bottle
George Washin'ton.
had escaped injury on Hogan's head on'}"" to
land on th' chest iv th' Father iv his Counthry,
an' th' benzoate iv soda was spilled over th'
green an' goold vest he had received that
mornin' as a prisint fr'm th' King iv France.
Th' mortified captain vainly attimpted to
remove
th' stains
with what was
spinach, but th' gr-reat
gesture knocked
him
man
left iv th'
with a noble
aside an' afther helpin'
himself to th' punch, with a dipper which he
always carrid at his soord
seegar, an' with a
belt, lit
tmnkle
a
tin cint
in his eye said,
*Go on with ye'er shanty. It may be je'er
as I intind to have ye shot at daybreak.'
Thus encouraged an' nawthin' loth
th' captain piped up in a rich threble voice,
last
th'
followin': 'Here's to th' girl I left at
home, an' to her that
Here's to th'
wan
I
that I
marrid on Sunday.
met
last
to her I divoorced on Monday.'
week an'
Th'
gin'ral,
ON PAST GLORIES
205
afther compliinentin' Hiimissy on
what he
laughingly called his swan song, so far on-
bent as to sing in a raanl}^ though onthrained
voice th' thin popylar ballad entitled: 'Is
This Mr. Reilly?'
An' so
in revelry an' song,
th' notes iv
till
resoomed
passed
a bugle announced that th' bat-
Thin
was on wanst more.
tle
th' night
mornin' came an'
his severe
th'
gin'ral
countynance an' haughty
mien, threw his cloak about him, an' refusin'
assistance, stalked gloomily
"Thim were
th'
away.
days, an' they're gone
now, niver to return.
A
sojer's life is on'y
gloryous in times iv peace.
wear
his
good clothes with
th'
Thin he can
goold lace on
thim, an' sthrut in scarlet an' blue through
th' sthreets.
But now whin war
is
declared,
th' war department ordhers th' milliner}^ put
in th' safe, an' dhrapes th' martial hero in a
hand-me-dovms made out iv th' kind
cloth that wanst was used f 'r coffee sacks.
suit iv
iv
a gin'ral
ordher that annywan seen takin' a dhrink
or winkin' at a girl will be hung. An' th'
Th'
commandher-in-chief
issues
!
ON PAST GLORIES
206
brave fellow
is
given a pick an' shovel an*
ground an' get into
told to dig a hole in the
it
an' await ordhers.
"Yes,
I tell 3ê,
Th' commonest
war was
common
fine in th' ol' days.
sojers
were always
bumpin' into jooks an' princes, an'
wan
was
it
thim to meet th'
Impror Napolyon walkin' arm-in-arm with
nawthin' at
all f'r
iv
Impress Josephine, or to have a
th'
five
minyits talk with th' Jook iv Wellin'ton.
Now
war
box
he don't often see
is
That heero
over.
in a cellar a mile
his colonel
is settin'
away
an' lades
death or victhry be tilhnphone.
is
gives
Th'
him
to
gin'ral
Suddenly he turns an'
Th' aidy-
an ordher to an aidy-camp.
camp dashes
into th' next
command
f'r
boord op'rator.
th'
th'
a couple iv miles behind mounted on a
restless wheel-chair.
th'
till
on a soap
cellar.
A
th'
room
an' repeats
charge to th' switch-
Th' colonel receives
it
in
flush rises to his cheeks, his
eye hghts up with excitemint, an' he seizes
th'
receiver an' brandishin'
cries in tones iv
command
it
*
:
at his ear,
Hello
!
Hello
I
ON PAST GLORIES
me
Cinthral, give
nine four
I didn't sa}^ eight six
"Nine four
o."
wan.
Hello,
207
No,
o.
listen!
I said distinctly,
this th'
is
gallant
\^Tiat?
Oh, I don't want
Ring off. Hello, Cinthral. WTiat's
matther with ye? I called f'r nine four
siventy-fifth?
you.
th'
Is
me
ye give
an'
0,
this
nine four o?
siventy-fifth ?
a
little
Hannigan's hat facthry.
Is this
further
away fr'm the
th'
gallant
Stand
That's
'phone.
hour to sthrike has come.
Th'
betther.
this
Is
Maj or Hogan ?
Ar-re th' blowpipes charged with pizenous
gas ?
Ar-re th'
Have
th'
men
said ''Go
got
I
respirators
their
Go where
Thin charge!
No, no, no.
bombs looded with karosene ?
on?
glory waits ye
said—
^keep off, Cinthral
where"— what?
take th' tilljôhone.
I'll
I
—
Oh,
th'
di\^de
hop on
me
bicycle
an' run over an' tell ye.'
''That's no kind iv a
Char-rles O'Malley.
out
iv
There
ar-ren't
it.
There
ar-ren't
war
f'r
me
or
f'r
All th' gloiy has gone
ar-ren't
aimy
anny unyforms.
camp
anny
lâttles.
fires.
There
ain't
There
anny
ON PAST GLORIES
208
music.
A
wud be
soord
as
much
out iv
place on th' battle field as in a gas-house.
Th' on'y use that cud be made iv
to carve th'
coal-black charger
it
wad be
f'r
dinner,
an' that's th' on'y use that can be
made
iv
th' coal-black charger.
"Sure
out
i^' it
I
at
don't
all,
know what's
but this
I
come
goin' to
do know, that what
with their gases an' their bombs war's no
longer a career
f'r
a gintleman.
son I'd no more think iv
him thin
I
wud
iv hirin'
If I
makm' a
had a
sojer iv
him out as a
soft-
coal miner.
was a sojer, in me mind, an' two
governmints grew peevish with each other,
wan iv thim said: ^Come on, Mike, dhraw
ye'er soord.'
An' if he didn't have a soord
th' other fellow give him time to go home
"^Vhin
I
an' get wan.
"Wanst," continued Mr. Dooley, "there
were rules
f'r th'
game.
The}- were laid
down
book an' ye abided be thim.
They were hke th' Markess iv Queensberry
rules, on'y there wasn't anny referee to enan' printed in a
ON PAST GLORIES
foorce
Nations wint
tliim.
politely,
209
war very
to
boîn' an' scrapin' to each other.
They made a formal
declaration,
which read
an imitation to a waltz. 'Twas: 'Heinrich, ma}^ I have th' honor iv takin' a wallop
'With pleasm-e, Franswaw.' Thin
at ye?'
they shook hands an' wint at each other with
'Twas: 'Did
th' best feelin' in th' wurruld.
I hit ye low that time, Hank ? So sorry.' Or,
'1 didn't mane to fire on that flag iv thruce.
like
My
'Oh, niver mind,
mistake.'
We'll call
a
it
let
pastime wint on
have
an'
till
th'
it
money
ol'
dear.
Th'
over.'
give out, an'
thin th' conkerer an' th' conkered were th'
best iv frinds an' wint
"Why, they
war
in these days,
home arm
or
if
there
put out a month or two
begins
first
durin'
a
lull
in
is
^wan,
afther th'
th'
aimywan knows that
fightin'.
iv
it's
war
Th'
their bosses has
whin a dinnymite bomb comes
fallen
out
down
th' cliimbley.
these
here governmints
is
in arm.
aven a declaration
ain't
Sure, I don't see
don't
Hinnissv, an' take advantage iv
why
go further,
all th'
14
won-
ON PAST GLORIES
210
dherful developmints iv science as well as
There are
a few iv thim.
back
th'
iv
th'
lots iv things in
dhrug store they haven't
I don't believe there'll iver
thried so far.
But
be peace in this fractious wurruld.
may come whin war
time
come
at
fretful
ists,
but
it
is
to-day
with each other they won't
each other's throats.
frindl}^
as
'Whin two nations be-
be abolished.
will
th'
they'll call
fly
continue
Thej^'ll
a convintion iv chem-
docks, an' dope experts, an' th'
war
will
commence. Thin ye'U read in th' pa-aper,
'An epidemic iv cholery has broke out in
Berlin.
London was desthroyed be fire
Th' negotiations between Eng3"esterday.
land an' Germany over th' Balkan situation
ar-re
still
ship iv th'
goin'
first class
Rome
Eyetalian battle-
was blowed up mysteri-
Sthrange to say th' news
ously yesterday.
arrived in
An
on.
at th' very minyit
when
th'
Eyetalian king received a photygraft studded
^îth
dimons fr'm
Small-pox
is
th'
ragin'
gr-reat rejoicin' in
Impror
in
iv Austhree.
Vienna.
England over
There
th'
is
visit
ON PAST GLORIES
iv th' Kaiser to his cousin
pa-apers
King George.
an alarmin'
repoort
increase
211
Th'
iv
infant mortality in th' kingdom.'
much expense. 'Twiid be
Hogan sscys, magnified manny
'^'Twud save
peace,
as
diameters.
" No, sir,
war
ain't romantic.
be surprised
fissor iv
if
ain't
what
it
used to be.
It
I wudden't
war was led be a pro-
It's scientific.
th' next
chemisthry in a skull cap an' dhrivin'
a horse an' buggy."
"Oh, I suppose all wars has been alike,'*
Mr. Hennessy.
"Maybe so," said Mr. Dooley. "They're
said
like th' rest iv life.
ain't romantic."
It's
on'y th' prisint that
ON CRT]\nNAL TRIALS
"I WAS
r-readin'
kick again th'
in'
bump
that
to th' law.
between
Th' sentences
same
th'
time a
an' th' time he
comin' to him accoord-
This iditor
there's a diff'rence
England.
is
pa-aper a hard
between
bumps some wan
criminal
gets th'
in th'
delaj''
feels
bad because
this
counthiy an'
like th'
language
two counthries, but
they're pronounced diff'rent.
In England a
man is presoomed to be innocent till he's
ar-re th'
in
th'
proved guilty an' they take
guilt3\
In this counthry a
it f 'r
granted he's
man is presoomed
to be guilty ontil he's proved guilty an' afther
that he's presoomed to be innocent.
"In th' oldher civiHzation th' judge reads
news iv th' crime in th' mornin' joa-aper
an' stops in at a hat shop on his way to coort
an' buys a black cap to wear at th' approachin' fistivities.
Whin he gets up on th' bench
th'
he
calls th' shuiiff to his side an'
212
says he:
ON CRIMINAL TRIALS
213
'Cap, go out an' grab a jury iv cross-lookin'
men
marrid
shuriff
their stores an' they
in'
The
condimned/
to thiy th'
dhrags twelve indignant grocers fr'm
come
into coort protest-
because they will be bankrupted be
sar\^-
But they ar-re soon restored to good humor be th' jovyal remarks
iv th' coort, who makes thim laugh heartily
in' their
counthiy.
at wanst be askin' thim
if
they ar-re opposed
to capital punishmint.
"Th'
pris'ner
thin hauled in in chains,
is
an' th' judge, afther exprissin' his dislike iv
his face
dhrer,
with a look iv scorn, says: 'Mur-
ye ar-re entitled to a
Ar-re ye guilty or not guilty?
ye say?
I
th' likes iv
this
ye always say.
disagreeable
hurr^'.
to
thought ye wud.
I'll
thrile.
Not
guilty,
That's what
Well,
business
let's
have
over with in a
allow th' prosecution three hours
show ye up
is all
have
whin
up
an' th' definse can
rest iv th' mornin'.
ividince
fair
Wake me
th'
th'
m.'
"About noon
his
fr'm th' juiy askin'
honor
how
is
woke be a note
long they ar-re goin'
ON CRIMINAL TRIALS
214
to
be kept fr'm their dinner.
He
hauls th*
black cap out iv th' bandbox an' puttin'
on over
it is
his wig, says:
now me
Tris'ner at th' bar,
awful jooty to lave ye'er fate
to a British juiy.
time to brush away
put in in ye'er
not attinipt to in-
I will
anny way.
floonce thim in
th'
it
definse.
I will not take
th'
fooHsh ividince
Ye'er lawjêrs have
done as well as they cud with nawthin' to
go on.
cent let
th'
anny iv
thim retire
If
th' jury believe
to their
room
ye iimo-
an' discuss
matther over a meal iv bread an' wather
while th' chops
bum
on
th' kitchen stove
an' their clerks ar-re disthributin' groceries
free to th' neighborhood.'
"But it's betther in this home iv th' free,
mind ye. Afther th' poHs have made up
their mind that none iv th' polls foorce did it,
they
may
or
may
not grab th' criminal.
depinds on th' weather.
But supposm'
pleasant summer's day an' th' fugitive
th' saloon nex'
It
it's
is
a
in
dure showin' th' revolver an'
thryin' to thrade in a silver candlestick f'r
a dhrink, an'
th' polls foorce ar-re bendin'
ON CRIMINAL TRIALS
him
ivry effort to apprehind
in' th'
whole counthry
know where
f'r
comb-
him, an' he doesn't
to turn, but goes into th' station
an' registhers an' gets his
breakfast in th'
tongs, a
an* ar-re
215
cell an'
key an' ordhers
gives a pair iv sugar
dimon necklace, a dozen knives
forks, his
his
an'
autymatic an' other vallyables to
th' sergeant to lock
wurrud not to be
up
in th' safe, an' laves
called, that's
on'y th' be-
ginnin' iv th' exercises.
"Th'
first
year or two he passes away de-
lightfully, havin' his pitchers
took an' put
in th' pa-apers an' bein' intherviewed while
th' iditor iv th'
Sob section sinds beautiful
ladies out to talk
with his wife an' describe
his pretty little fiat fuU iv keepsakes.
wan mornin' he wakes up
But
an' gets th' pa-apers
anny more mintion iv him
he was a meetin' iv th' Epworth
an' there's har'ly
thin
if
league, or a debate in congress, or a speech
iv th' prisidint, or
a war in
an' that disturbs him.
agent, sinds
thrile.
f'r
He
th' Ph'lipeens,
fires
his lawyer an'
If th' fish ar-re
not
his press
demands a
bitin' th'
lawyer
ON CRLMINAL TRIALS
216
coaxes a judge to come into town, an' wanst
more
mallyfacther becomes a prom'nint
th'
can read
an'
citizen
pa-apers without
th'
disgusted at th'
bein'
way they
fill
their
colyums with news about nobodies.
"Th' first six months iv th' thrile
ar-re
usually taken in gettin' a jury that will be
fair to
both
sides,
an
but more
Th'
thin th' other.
effort to get
fair to
wan
state's attorney
twelve
side
makes
men who have no
prejudices excipt a gin'ral opinjôn that th'
pris'ner
is
guilty.
Th' lawjêr
f'r th'
definse
on'y asks that his client shall be thried be
a jury iv his peers or worse, but
promise
if
same lodge as
men
iv
wud com-
twelve were munbers iv th'
all
himsilf.
intilligence
In due time twelve
who have
r-read
th'
pa-apers an' can't remimber what they've
r-read, or
wTiiTuk,
who
ar-re
can't r-read; or ar-re out iv
injooced
to
sarve,
an'
th'
awful wheels iv justice begins to go round.
"Th' scene
an'
touchin'.
baby
f'r
th'
in th' coort
Th'
is
pris'ner's
veiy beautiful
wife
rents
a
whiter an' sets where th' jury
ON CRD.IINAL TRIALS
217
can see her whin her husband kicks her undher
th' table an' she
front iv th' culprit
comes into
an' he
yum
is
banked with flowers
th' coort wearin'
a geeran-
Afther a flashlight
in his button-hole.
august thribunal iv justice has been
iv th'
exploded
an'
th'
masheen
movies has been put up,
On
ceedure pro-ceeds.
th'
Th' table in
weeps.
takin'
f'r
th'
th'
dhread pro-
August
th' first iv
prosecution succeeds in gettin' into th'
record th' fact that such a person as th'
victim iver lived in spite iv th' objictions iv
th' definse
on
th'
ground that
Th' lawyer
teeryal.
f'r th'
th'
That
exciption.
as to say to th' judge:
iv
imma-
questions an' whin th' coort overmles
all th'
him he takes an
ye in
it is
definse objicts to
supreem
'I'll
coort.'
is
as
make a
On
much
jack iv
th' twintieth
Decimber afther a severe cross-examina-
tion iv th' principal witness th' jury asks
th' coort f'r
"On
a recess so they can lynch him.
th' fifteenth iv th' followin' April th'
tist}Tnony iv th' definse
first;
that th' pris'ner
is
is
submitted.
It
is,
insane an' five pro-
ON CRIMINAL TRIALS
218
fissors
fr'm th' infirmary swear that he was
looney whin he done th' deed.
Besides^ he
shot in self-definse, to protict his
home
an'
American womanhood, while
sthmgglin' with th' victim to keep him fr'm
th'
honor
iv
committin' suicide because th' pris'ner wudden't take his watch as a presint, th'
accidintally wint
a long an' a short
off,
were seen leavin'
premises afther th'
th'
crime, an' th' pris'ner
was
Mitchigan City
in
on that night, an' while on his
his sick child
way
was stopped be an
who he rescued fr'm drowmin'
who gave him all she had in
forty-four, a
gun
man
in th' park,
her purse, a
jimmy, a brace an'
quantity iv silverware,
to see
old lady
clothing,
bit, an'
a
curtains,
an' joolry.
"So th' years roll brightly by an' day by
day th' pris'ner sees his face on th' front
page, th' fam'ly iv deceased
town be
th' facts that
his private
life,
an'
most
estate in th' county
th' bills iv th'
is
is
dhrove fr'm
has come out about
iv th' vallyable real
sold
f'r
taxes to
short-hand writers
f'r
pay
takin'
ON CRIMINAL TRIALS
219
dowii th' tistymony an' th' objictions iv th'
definse.
"But though slow American
justice,
Hin-
nissy, is sure an' will overtake th' crim'nal
if he'll
day
on'y be patient an' not
all th'
ividince
is in.
torney, who's a candydate
wan
die, an'
Th' disthrict atmayor, makes
f'r
his closin' argymint, addhressin' th' jury as
Republicans.'
'fellow
Th'
lawyer
th'
f'r
pris'ner asks th' juiy on'y to consider th'
law an'
th' ividince an' to sind this
man home to his wife an'
innocent
his star\'in' childher.
Afther th' judge has insthiTicted th' jury
that he's
th'
all
up
in th' air
about
know what he ought
doesn't
jury
charges
retires,
its last
an' me, an' discusses whether
sind th' pris'ner
home
th' case an'
to say to thim,
meal to you
it
ought to
or somewhere's
else.
Afther askin' an' gettin' a description iv his
home they
mercy
decide on temperin' justice with
an' find
him
guilty.
Th' pris'ner
brought into coort, smilin' an' cheerful,
is
th'
flashhghts boom, th' cameras click, th' ladies
swoon, an'
th'
judge says with a pleasant
ON CRIMINAL TRIALS
220
'It is me dhi'ead jooty to sintince ye
Supreem Coort. Long life to ye.'
"Thin there's a lull in th' proceedin's.
smile:
to th'
Th' seasons go swiftly by.
happen
an' I can't
pris'ner
was
ness
remimber whether
victim iv th' crime, th'
Maimy
times
has
turned to mellow summer.
blithe
spring
Manny
times
has autumn reddened th' threes in
Men
dead.
Wan
th'
th'
Vvît-
prosecution, or th' disthrict at-
f'r th'
torney.
th'
Other things
th' parks.
that were old dui'in' th' thrile ar-re
Men
that
were young
ar-re
old.
mornin' with decrepit fingers I open
pa-aper an' r-read: 'Supreem Coort re-
varses th' Bill Sikes case.
Th' coort yister-
dah afthernoon held a long
session fr'm
two
to a quarther to three an' cleared th' calendar
up
to eighteen sivinty-live be revarsin' th'
lower coort
f'r
errors an' ign'rance iv th' law
in all th' cases appealed.
In
th' Sikes case
th' decision is that while th' pris'ner
was un-
doubtedly guilty,
made
th'
lower coort
bone-head play be allowin'
a
th' disthrict at-
torney to open th' window an' expose th'
ON CRIMINAL TRIALS
pris'ner to a dhraft,
be not askin' Juiyman
Number Two whether he had
th'
221
iver been in
dhry goods business, an' be omittin' a
th' wurrud ''so" on page fifty-
comma afther
three thousan' sivin
hundred an' eighty
in
th' record.'
"An'
thrile.
th' pris'ner is
Th'
new
brought back f r a new
thrile
is
always hurrid.
Th' iditors refuse a requist fr'm
to sind around
annywan
th' pris'ner
to report
it,
th'
iHventh assistant disthrict attorney appears
fr
th' state in spite iv th'
th' witnesses ar-re all
law on child labor,
dead an' burrid, an'
th' onforchnit crim'nal is
turned out on a
wurruld that has f'rgotten him
pletely that
so
com-
he can't aven get a job as an
actor on th' vodyville stage."
"A^Tiat happens to
him
if
he hasn't got
anny money?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"He might as well be in England,"
Mr. Dooley.
said
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8

Mr. Dooley on making a will and other necessary evils..

Transcription

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