Mr. Dooley in Peace and War (1898)

LIBRARY
UNIVERSITY
OP
CALIFORNIA
SANTA CRUZ
UU\
D8L
Mr.
DOOLEY:
In Peace and in
War
Mr.
DOOLEY
In Peace and in
War
Boston
Small,
Maynard
&
1899
Company
Copyright, 1898, by the Chicago Journal
Copyright,
1898,
First Edition
by Small,
(10,000
Maynard
copies}
& Company
November, 1898
Second Edition (10,000 copies') December,
Third Edition (10,000 copies) January,
Press of George
H.
Ellis, Boston,
f8p8
i8pp
U.S.J.
TO W.
H.
TURNER
PREFACE.
ARCHEY ROAD
stretches
back for many
miles from the heart of an ugly city to the
cabbage gardens that gave the maker of the
seal his
opportunity to
is
the city "urbs in
Somewhere between the
horto."
that
call
to
say,
forninst th' gas-house
bey ant Healey's slough and not
the
polis
two
station
lives
Martin
far
and
from
Dooley,
doctor of philosophy.
There was
purely Irish.
a time
when Archey Road was
But the Huns, turned back
from the Adriatic and the stock-yards and
overrunning Archey Road, have nearly exhausted the original population,
them out
as
not driven
they drove out less vigorous
races, with thick clubs
and short spears, but
edged them out with the more biting weapons
PREFACE
viii
modern
of
under-eaten
overworked and
civilization,
them
into
more languid
sur-
roundings remote from the tanks of the gas-
house and the blast furnaces of the rollingmill.
But Mr. Dooley remains, and enough
main with him
In
this
to save the
re-
Archey Road.
community you can hear
all
the vari-
ous accents of Ireland, from the awkward
"
"
brogue of the far-downer to the mild and
aisy
Elizabethan English
Irishman, and
.be
all
of the southern
the exquisite variations to
heard between
Armagh and Bantry Bay,
with the difference that would naturally arise
from substituting cinders and sulphuretted
hydrogen
Here
also
for soft misty air
you can
see the
and peat smoke.
wakes and
christ-
enings, the marriages and funerals, and the
other fetes of the
oY counthry somewhat
PREFACE
ix
modified and darkened by American usage.
The Banshee
has been heard
On
Archey Road.
Day
it
is
well
many
times in
the eve of All
known
Saints'
that here alone the
pookies play thricks in cabbage gardens.
In
was reported that Malachi Dempsey
was called " by the other people," and disap1893
it
peared west of the tracks, and never came
back.
A
simple people!
remarked Mr. Dooley.
or th' deep sea.
it
with wears
Butler wr-rote a
said simplicity
"Simple
out.
book he
Whin
The
'tis
barbarians around
a
Father
niver finished, he
all
ye'er shirt-front, like a tin-horn
An'
like
shoot iv clothes
th'
was not wearin'
his di'mon' stud.
like th' air
Not complicated
watch that stops whin
ye got
"Simple, says ye!"
ye had on
gambler with
so."
them
are
moder-
PREFACE
x
but firmly governed,
ately
votings for the ruling race, but
passionate
restrained from the
The most
immoral pursuit of office.
generous, thoughtful, honest,
and chaste people
friends of
cent
;
encouraged to
the world
in
Mr. Dooley,
these
are
knowing and inno-
moral, but giving no heed at
all
to
patented political moralities.
Among them
lives
and prospers the trav-
eller, archaeologist, historian, social
saloon-keeper, economist, and
who
has
not been
twenty-five
years
out of
"but
the newspapers with
hates
them, and accepts
philosopher,
the
twict."
solemn
all
observer,
ward
He
for
reads
care, heartily
they print for
the sake of drowning Hennessy's rising protests
against
heights of
life
his
logic.
in the
From
the
cool
Archey Road, uninter-
rupted by the jarring noises of crickets and
PREFACE
cows, he
observes
meditates
thereon.
the
xi
passing
show, and
His impressions
are
transferred to the desensitized plate of
Mr.
Hennessy's mind, where they can do no
harm.
"There's no betther place to see what's
goin'
on thin the Ar-rchey Road," says Mr.
"Whin
Dooley.
min'
down
sthrong
th'
th' ilicthric cars is
sthreet an*
th' blast
humgoin'
at th' mills, th' noise is that gr-reat
ye can't think."
He
a
is
opulent in good advice, as becomes
man of
his
station
;
most of the obstacles
for he has mastered
in a business career,
and by leading a prudent and temperate
has established himself so well that he
his
own house and
furniture,
slightly behind on his
indelicate
to
give
license.
statistics
as
and
It
to
is
life
owns
only
would be
his
age.
xii
PREFACE
Mr. Hennessy
says he was a
whin
th'
was
pikes was out in forty-eight, an*
an*
hedge-high,
Mr. Dooley
He
closes
I'm near
1
3
fifty-five/
Mr. Hennessy is eighty.
discussion on his own age with
the remark,
He
ther."
"grown man
distinction.
says
" I'm old
enough to
has
served
his
know
bet-
country with
His conduct of the important
of captain of his precinct (1873-75)
office
was highly commended, and there was some
nominating him for alderman.
talk of
At
the expiration of his term he was personally
M. McGee,
thanked by the Hon.
time
a
member of
But the
to a
activity
the
man of Mr. Dooley's
he continues to view the
always with
interest
and
life
one
committee,
central
of public
at
was unsuited
tastes
;
and, while
political situation
sometimes with
alarm, he has resolutely declined to leave
PREFACE
xiii
His
the bar for the forum.
early experi-
ence gave him wisdom in discussing public
"
affairs.
Politics,"
'Tis a man's
bag.
he says, "
game
;
an'
bean
ain't
women,
chil-
dher, an' pro-hybitionists'd do well to keep
out iv
it."
"
Again he remarks, As Shakec
speare says,
men
f 'r th' ward.'
An
to
OF men
attempt has been made in
give
more
f 'r th' council,
young
"
permanent form
characteristic
to
a
this
book
few of the
and important of Mr.
Dooley's utterances.
For
to
permission
reprint the articles the thanks of the editor
are
due to Mr. George G. Booth, of the
Chicago Journal^ and to Mr. Dooley's constant friend,
Mr. H. H. Kohlsaat, of
the
Chicago Evening Post.
F. P.
D.
CONTENTS.
WAR
MR. DOOLEY IN
ON
ON
ON
ON
ON
ON
ON
ON
DIPLOMACY
WAR
i
PREPARATIONS
....
FiTz-HucH LEE
10
MULES AND OTHERS
HIS
COUSIN GEORGE
....
....
SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS
STRATEGY
.
.
6
.
.
.
...
14
20
25
30
GENERAL MILES'S MOONLIGHT
EXCURSION
.
.^
.....
ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S ACTIVITY
ON THE PHILIPPINES
ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY ...
ON THE ANGLO-SAXON ....
ON A LETTER FROM THE FRONT
ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES ....
.
.
34
39
43
48
53
58
63
CONTENTS
xvi
PAGE
ON
THE DESTRUCTION OF CERVERA'S
FLEET
ON
ON
ON
.
.
.
.
,
BY PRESIDENT
SPEECH
.
THE HERO
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...
THE PRESIDENT'S CAT
A
.
MR. DEPEW
A LETTER TO
KINLEY
ON
.
.
IN POLITICS
73
77
Mc.
8
.
.
87
.
.
95
.
.
68
i
MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE
ON
ON
ON
ON
ON
ON
ON
ON
ON
NEW
YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
GOLD-SEEKING
BOOKS.
......
100
.
.
>
.
105
REFORM CANDIDATES
.
.
.
.
1 1 1
PATERNAL DUTY
.
.
.
.
118
.
.
.
.
,
CRIMINALS
A PLOT
THE
124
........
NEW WOMAN
EXPERT TESTIMONY
....
....
130
136
141
CONTENTS
xvii
PAGE
ON
ON THE GAME OF FOOTBALL
ON THE NECESSITY OF MODESTY
THE POPULARITY OF FIREMEN
.
.
.
AMONG THE RlCH
.
.
.
.
.
.
152
Ij8
ON THE POWER OF LOVE
v
ON THE VICTORIAN ERA
ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION
ON POLITICAL PARADES
ON CHARITY
ON NANSEN
ON A POPULIST CONVENTION
ON A FAMILY REUNION
ON A FAMOUS WEDDING ....
ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENGLAND
.
146
.
.
.
165
.
.
170
.
.
175
181
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
192
.
.
197
.
.
202
'.
.
AND GERMANY
187
208
213
ON ORATORY IN POLITICS
ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS
ON ANARCHISTS
ON THE DREYFUS CASE ....
.
.
.
218
223
229
234
xviii
CONTENTS
PAGE
ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE
ON THE INDIAN WAR
ON GOLF
ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER
.
239
245
249
.
.
.
255
MR. DOOLEY IN
WAR
ON DIPLOMACY.
<C
!'LL explain
" 'Tis this
way.
is
boonco
a
A
Mr. Dooley.
to ye," said
Ye
here Sagasta
see, this
steerer like
likes iv him.
an*
it
smart
Canada
man
is
Bill, an' th'
this
Sagasta,
that can put a crimp in th' ca-ards
ye cudden't take out with a washer-
wan
that
woman's
manny
a
He's
wringer.
ha-ard game.
been
through
Talk about
th'
picnic, where a threein
debt
ivry time he hurls
goes
'tis nawthin' to what this here
County Dimocracy
ca-ard
th'
man
broads,
Spanish onion has been again an' beat.
F'r
years an' years he's played on'y profissionals.
Th' la-ads he's tackled have more marked
ca-ards in their pockets thin a preacher fr'm
Mitchigan an' more bad money thin ye cud
shake out iv
th' coat-tail
rous banker fr'm
pockets iv a prosp'-
Injianny.
He's been up
again Gladstun an' Bisma-arck an'
ol'
what-
name's got
Eyetalian,
an' he's done thim all.
away from me,
cc
No wan will play
is bad.
business
Well,
ye-call-'im, th'
his
MR. DOOLEY
No money's comin'
2
him.
with
Th'
in.
moved on to th' nex* town, an* left
him without a customer. Th' Jew man that
loaned him th' bank-roll threatens to seize
circus has
th'
ca-ards
behold,
on'
down
Whin,
table.
th'
th' sthreet
lo
an'
comes a ma-an fr'm
a lawyer fr'm Ohio, with a
counthry,
Oh, but he's a proud
gripsack in his hand.
th'
He's been
man.
out iv th' way iv
to get
whin
town long enough
in
th' bell rings.
th'
f'r
throlley ca-ar
to thry
He's larned not
an' light his
He
see-gaar at th' ilicthric light.
doesn't offer to pay th' ilivator ma-an
Pr
He's got so he
carryin' him upstairs.
can pass a tall buildin' without thryin' Pr
An' he's as
to turn a back summersault.
haughty about it as a new man on an icewagon. They'se nawthin' ye can tell him.
He thinks iv himsilf goin' back to Canton
with a r-red
cracker
come
in
box
necktie
an'
on, an'
tellin'
fr'm pitchin'
hot time he's had, an'
hootchy-kootchy
an' th'
settin'
on a
th' lads whin they
hor-rseshoes what a
how he's seen th'
Pammer House bar-
ON DIPLOMACY
3
her shop, an' th' other ondacint sights iv a
gr-reat city.
" An' so he comes
up to where Sagasta is
kind iv throwin' th' ca-ards idly on th' top
iv th' bar'l, an' Sagasta pipes him out iv th'
c
corner iv his eye, an' says to himsilf : Oh, I
dinnaw,' an' thanks hiven f 'r th' law that has
a sucker bor-rn ivry minyit.
An'
th' la-ad
fr'm Canton thinks he can pick out th' Jack,
an' sometimes he can an' sometimes he can't ;
end iv it is th' Spanyard has him
thrimmed down to his chest protector, an'
he'll be
goin' back to Canton in a blanket.
Ye see it ain't his game. If it was pitchin'
hor-rse shoes, 'twud be diff'rent. He cud bate
He cud do him at rasslin'
Sagasta at that.
but
th'
or chasin' th' greased pig, or in a wan-legged
race or th tug-iv-war.
cud make him
He
9
look foolish at
a kag iv beer or hitchin'
it comes to
whin
But,
up
di-plomacy, th' Spanyard has him again th' rail,
an' counts on him till his ar-rm is sore."
liftin'
a team.
"Why
don't
demanded the
he tur-rn in an'
patriotic
fight?"
Mr. Hennessy.
MR. DOOLEY
4
" Lord
"
with two
name
th'
way
did
r-red-headed
little
they wint out to th'
Ogden's grove, where wanst a year
picanic
Ireland's
They was
freed.
wurrukin' near
says he
c
:
He's
money,
go undher
a shell
aisy.
do him.
I
can see th' pea
So O'Brien
ivry time.'
th' shell
bein' a hot spoort loaned him th'
he wint at it.
Ivry time Larkin
pea go undher
th'
But
money was
as
shell
or twict th' shell
that he left th' pea
ma-an
Larkin says,
Lave me have some
fence, an'
th'
an' we'll
shell.
it
iv O'Brien, an'
at
Wanst
Dooley.
They was Joe
man be th'
mine.
iv
frinds
Larkin an' a
out
tur-rn
'twill
Mr.
said
knows,"
Mebbe
money,
cud see
an'
th'
plain as day.
so careless
man was
undher
th'
edge iv
th'
in five minyits all iv O'Brien's
in th'
bad ma-an's pockits, an' he
more foolish pathrites.
It took O'Brien some time Pr to decide
Thin says he, 'Twas my
what to do.
money this fool blowed in.' An' he made
was lookin' around
f 'r
a dash f 'r th' shell ma'an
got what he'd
lost,
but
;
all
an'
he not on'y
th' r-rest iv
th'
ON DIPLOMACY
capital besides.
Ye
see, that
That was where he come
th'
money
an' carrid
it
in.
was
5
his
game.
An* he took
over to a cor-rner iv
gr-rounds where a la-ad had wan iv thim
matcheens where ye pay tin cints Pr th'
th'
privilege iv seein' how har-rd ye can hit with
a sledge-hammer, an* there he stayed till th'
polis
come arround
gr-rounds."
to dhrive people off th'
ON WAR PREPARATIONS.
"
WELL/' Mr. Hennessy
asked,
"
how
goes
th'war?"
"
Splendid, thank ye," said
"
makes
It
fine.
me
Mr. Dooley.
hear-rt throb
Fine,
with pride that I'm a citizen iv
th'
Sixth
Wa-ard."
Cuba yet? "
"
Wan ar-rmy, says ye ? Twinty Las'
Choosdah an advance ar-rmy iv wan hun"
Has
th'
ar-rmy started
f'r
!
dherd
an' twinty
with
th' Gussie,
thousand
tin
men
landed fr'm
thousand cannons hurlin'
projick-tyles weighin' eight hundherd pounds
Winsdah night a second
sivinteen miles.
ar-rmy iv injineers, miners, plumbers, an'
lawn tinnis experts, numberin' in all four
thousand men, ar-rmed
with death-dealin' canned goods, was hurried
hundherd
to
an' eighty
Havana
"
to storm th' city.
Thursdah mornin' three thousand
iv
r-riders
swum
full
their
r-rough
rigimints
hor-rses acrost to Matoonzas, an' afther a
spirited battle captured th' Rainy Christiny
golf links, two up an' hell to play, an' will
ON WAR PREPARATIONS
thim
hold
all
again
afthernoon
th'
reg'lar
comers.
7
Th' same
cavalry, con-sistin' iv
hundherd an' eight thousan' wellmounted men, was loaded aboord th' tug
Lucy J., and departed on their earned iv
four
death
amidst
sojers
left
fleet, as
cept in
an'
iv
eight
millyon
Chickamaha.
These
Commodore
with
an'
can't
afther
thim,
desthroys
batterin'
down
where they ar-re con-cealed so that
see thim, but thinks they ar-re on
way f 'r
their
at
whin he desthroys th' Spanish
he does ivry Sundah an' holy day exLent, an' finds out where they ar-re
;
th' forts
he
cheers
co-operate
cav'lry'll
Schlow
th'
behind
to fight Cousin George Dooley,
make a dash back to Tampa,
th' cav'lry will
where Gin'ral Miles
th'
Spanish
at
is
preparin' to desthroy
an' he's th' boy to
wan blow,
blow.
"
The
prepared
had
arrived th' other day, fully
th'
bloody wurruk iv war.
gin'ral
f'r
his intire
fam'ly with him.
He
He
r-rode
camp, mounted on a superb
ca-ar.
As himsilf an' Uncle Mike
specyal
Miles, an' Cousin Hennery Miles, an' Masrecklessly into
MR. DOOLEY
8
ter Miles,
aged eight years, dismounted fr'm
they were received with wild
th' specyal train,
cheers be eight millyon iv th' bravest sojers
that iver give up their lives f'r their counthry.
that
Th' press cinchorship is so pow'rful
no news is allowed to go out; but I
have
fr'm
it
th'
Mesilf, Clancy
th'
Mike
Butcher,
Direchtry that
City
corryspondint iv
specyal
th'
Casey, an'
Miles in-
Gin'ral
stantly repaired himsilf to th' hotel, where
he made his plans
yards
wan
at
cr-rushin' th' Span-
f'r
blow.
He
will
th'
equip
His uniar-rmy with blow-guns at wanst.
forms ar-re comin' down in specyal steel
protected bullyon trains fr'm th' mint, where
He has orthey've been kept f'r a year.
dhered out
staff,
iv
th' gold resarve f'r to equip his
numberin' eight thousan' men, manny
whom
ar-re
clubmen
;
an', as
soon
as
he
can have his pitchers took, he will cr-rush
th' Spanish with wan blow.
Th' pur-pose
iv th' gin'ral
sive action is
demanded be
whin
air
th'
hot
is
th' front, Gin'ral
to permit
no delay.
th'
people.
masheens has been
Miles
will strike
DeciAn',
sint to
wan blow
ON WAR PREPARATIONS
th' damdest blow since
in Ireland.
wind
big
"
Iv coorse, they'se dissinsions
be
that'll
th'
9
year iv
th'
Th'
in th' cabi-
but they don't amount to
net;
War
Sicrety iv
is
nawthin'.
in favor iv sawin' th'
Th'
Spanish ar-rmy into two-be- four joists.
iv
th'
Sicrety
Threeasury has a scheme Pr
roonin' thim be lindin' thim money.
Th'
Navy wants
Sicrety iv th'
fiire th'
heerd that
dhrill,
with
diwil.
th'
We're
all
Miles to
be
be
knee
th' idee iv prayin' th' villyans
to
But these differences don't count.
wan people, an' we look to Gin'ral
desthroy th' Spanish with wan
it
comes, trees
Morro
th' roots.
air'll
thim be-
th' Prisident is
arrangin' a
Whin
blow.
to sue
Mattsachusetts Supreme Coort. I've
full
will
Castle'll
be
cave
lifted
iv Spanish whiskers.
blow, a sthrong blow, an' a
out
in, an' th'
blow
A
all
long
to-
gether."
"
We're a
gr-reat people," said
nessy, earnestly.
"
ar-re," said
We
that.
ar-re."
An'
th'
Mr. Hen-
Mr. Dooley. " We ar-re
best iv it is, we know we
ON FITZ-HUGH
"
Iv COORSE,
McKeoughs
is
If
was you,
I
Mr. Hennessy.
"He
is
not
is
iv
shudden't he
have a
McKeough,
an' like
apart.
a relation iv mine."
him
I'd write
"
an' th'
McHughs
I
far
iv
an' see," said
He's a gr-reat ma-an."
"He
Mr. Dooley.
so," said
Wan
that.
an' th'
name
as not th' gin'ral
"
Mr. Dooley.
he's Irish," said
Th' Fitz-Hughs
cousin be th'
LEE.
th'
gr-reatest.
be with thim
two
They'se pothry in both iv thim.
is
An' why
names?
Fitz-Hugh
A
Did ye
iver see a pitcher iv him ?
fat ma-an, with a head like a football an' a
Lee
!
neck big enough to
brain
an'
keep
it
fr'm
haired an' r-red-faced.
that can get
Whin
a
pump
blood into his
starvin'.
Th' kind
iv
Whitema-an
mad
in ivry vein in his body.
he's hot, I bet ye his face looks like
fire in
a furniture facthry.
Whin
a
ma-an
goes pale with r-rage, look out f'r a knife
in th' back.
But, whin he flames up so that
th' perspi-ration sizzles on his brow, look
ON FITZ-HUGH LEE
out
hand
f'r
an' feet an'
pins an' rapid-firin' guns.
whin they'se annything to
he can't wait.
wurrukin' at
him
"
n
head an' coupling
Fitz can be ca'm
be ca'm about, but
If he was a waiter, he'd be
Look
th' thrade.
at th'
a paving block.
Fitz believe in di-plomacy
jaw
iv
It's like
!
Does
He
him.
sets there in his office in
Not
?
Havana,
smokin' a good seegar, an' a boy comes in
an' tells him they've jugged an American
He jams
citizen.
r-rushes over
an'
has
his
office.
*
his hat
to
down on
his eyes,
where Gin'ral Blanco
Look
*
he,
ye
he
if
me
don't
lave
says,
ye
pizenous riptile,'
counthryman out iv th' bull-pen in fifteen
minyits be th' watch,' he says, I'll take ye
here,' says
l
*
be
th' hair
iv th'
head an' pull ye fr'm
th'
corner iv Halsted Sthreet to th' r-red bridge,'
he says.
Lave us debate this,' says Blanco.
*
*
I'll
debate
nawthin',
says
Fitz.
*
Hurry
R-run
up, or I'll give ye a slap,' he says.
over an' wake up th' loot at th' station,
*
an' let
*
we'll
thim Americans
go
out, or,'
to the flure,' he says.
he says,
MR. DOOLEY
12
"That's
Fitz.
He's ca'm, an' he waits
whin he's asleep.
That's
part iv th' time.
But, as soon as his eyes
opins,
to flare
up
like
wan
iv
his face begins
thim r-round stoves
woodman's shanty whin rosiny wood is
thrun in.
An' fr'm that time on till he's
in a
r-ready to tur-rn in an' sleep peaceful an'
not like a lamb full iv vigetable food,
quite,
but like a
line that's
wur-rked ha-ard an'
et
he niver stops rampin' an'
meat,
ragin'.
don't hear iv Fitz lookin' worn with th'
Ye
Ye don't r-read iv him missin'
sthruggle.
one fears that Fitz will
anny meals.
No
break
down undher
in th' breed.
He
He
That
th' suspinse.
He's another kind
iv a
ain't
man.
hasn't got th' time to be tired an' worrid.
needs food, an' he has it ; an' he needs
sleep, an' he takes it ; an' he needs fightin',
That's Fitz.
an' he gets it.
They ain't
such a lot iv difference between
man
Not
in
the
such a
wurruld
lot.
morality, Hinnissy.
wint to
It
an'
th'
ain't
a
I've
th'
bravest
cow'rdliest.
question
knowed men
iv
that
church ivry Sundah an' holyday
ON FITZ-HUGH LEE
13
an' loved their
an' give to th' poor
neighbors, an' they wudden't defind
reg'lar,
wives
against
knowed
th'
a
murdherer.
An'
their
I've
worst villyuns on earth that'd
die in their thracks to save a stranger's child
'Tis a question iv how th'
fr'm injury.
blood
pumped. Whin a man shows th'
whin he gets thin an' pale an' worrid
is
sthrain,
'
in th' time f r
fightin', he's
mighty near a
But, whin his face flames an' his
his eyes look like a couple
iv ilicthric lamps again a cyclone sky, he'd
cow'rd.
neck swells an'
lead a forlorn
hell."
hope acrost
th'
battlemints iv
ON MULES AND OTHERS.
"
I SEE,"
Mr. Dooley,
said
"
th' first gr-reat
land battle iv th' war has been fought."
"
Where was
that
"
?
demanded Mr. Hencc
Lord save us,
nessy, in great excitement.
but where was that
"
?
"Th' Alger gyards," said Mr. Dooley,
" bruk fr'm th' corral where
they had thim
tied up, atin'
charge
on
thistles,
th'
camp
an'
med
at
a desp'rate
They
Tampa.
like a whur-rl-wind, dhrivin' th*
dayscinded
astonished throops befure thim, an' thin
charged back again, completin' their earned
At th' las' account th'
iv desthruction.
brave
was climbin' threes
sojers
poles, an'
graft
kickin' th'
a
rig'mint
silk linin'
pink
iv
out iv
an'
mules
tilly-
was
th' officers'
Th'
gallant mules was led be a
quarthers.
most courageous jackass, an' 'tis undher-
me
Mack
appint him
a brigadier-gin-ral jus' as soon as he can find
'Tis too bad he'll
out who his father is.
sthud that
frind
will
have no childher to perpituate
th'
fame iv
ON MULES AND OTHERS
He
him.
wint through
th'
camp
at th'
15
head
iv his
throops iv mules without castin' a
shoe.
He's
biggest jackass in Tampa
to-day, not exciptin' th' cinsor ; an* I doubt
if they'se a
bigger wan in Wash'n'ton, though
I
th'
cud name a few that cud thry a race with
Annyhow, they'll know how to reward him. They know a jackass whin they
see wan, an' they see a good manny in that
him.
peaceful city.
"
Th' charge
iv
Tampa'll go into histhry
An', be
as th' first land action iv th' war.
th'
way, Hinnissy,
to
go on
ar-rm
if this
here sociable
at th' prisint rate,
is
f 'r
I'm sthrong to
wild ar-rmy mules an' the unbridled jackasses iv th' pe-rary an' give thim a
th'
chanst to set
on'y hero
on.
on
free.
Up
to this time th'
Spanish side was a
an
ear above th' batpoked
kilt
jackass that
thries at
Cuba
th'
Matoonzas f 'r
to hear
'
what was goin'
*
Behold,' says Sampson,
th' insolince
iv th' foe,' he says.
For-rm in line iv battle, an' hur-rl death an' desthruction at yon
*
Castilyan gin'ral.'
'Wait,' says
an
officer.
MR. DOOLEY
16
'
It
may
be wan iv our
'
like th' Sicrety iv
mander.
*
It can't
*
own men.
Hush
It looks
'
!
says th'
com-
be an American jackass,
or he'd speak/ he says.
Fire on him.' Shot
afther shot fell round th' inthrepid ass ; but
he remained firm till th' dinnymite boat Ve*
soovyus fired three hundherd an' forty thousand pounds iv gum cotton at him, an' the
poor crather was smothered to death. Now,
says I, give these Tampa mules a chanst,
an' we'll have no need iv wastin' ammun-nition.
iv
Properly led, they'd go fr'm wan end
to th' other, kickin' th' excelsior out
Cuba
iv ivry stuffed Spanish gin'ral fr'm Bahoohoo
Hoondoo to Sandago de Cuba. They'd be
sojers who haven't gone
an' get cured iv th'
measles an' th' whoopin'-cough an' th' chol-
no
loss iv
life.
Th'
away cud come hom,e
era infantum befure th' public schools opens
in th' fall, an' iverything wud be peaceful an'
quiet an' prosp'rous. Th' officers in th' field
at prisint is well qualified f 'r command iv th'
new ar-rmy
they'd put blinders on th'
mules, they wudden't be scared back be wan
;
an', if
ON MULES AND OTHERS
17
thim Spanish fleets that a jackass sees
he's been up all night, secretly stuffing
iv
whin
himsilf with
haw, an'
They'd give wan hew-
silo.
follow
their
leaders
through
th'
But give
hear-rt iv th' inimy's counthry.
thim th' wurrud to git ap, an' they'd ate
their thistles undher th' guns iv some ol'
Morro
"
Ye
Castle befure night.
don't see th' difference, says ye.
ain't
iv
anny i'
mules as
throuble
is
th' leaders.
iver exposed
with
th'
As
their ears.
rank an'
They
efficient a lot
Th'
file.
They're
What's needed to carry on this war
as it goes to-day is an ar-rmy iv jacks an'
mules.
Whin ye say to a man, Git ap,
he don't
whoa, gee, back up, get alang
know what ye'er dhrivin' at or to. But a
mule hears th' ordhers with a melancholy
men.
*
'
!
dhroops his ears, an' follows his
Th' ordhers fr'm
war-rm, moist breath.
Washington is perfectly comprehinsible to a
smile,
mane annything to a
No human bein', Hin-
jackass, but they don't
poor, foolish man.
nissy, can
undherstand what the divvie use
1
MR. DOOLEY
8
was to sink a ship that cost two hundherd
thousan' dollars an' was worth at laste eighty
it
dollars
in
Sandago Harbor,
if
we have
to
keep fourteen ships outside to prevint five
Th' poor, tired
sailin'.
don't tumble, Hinnissy, to th'
f'r landin' four hundherd marines
Spanish ships fr'm
human mind
raison
Guanotommy to clear th' forests, whin
Havana is livin' free on hot tamales an' ice-
at
Th' mind iv a Demostheens or a
Tim Hogan would be crippled thryin' to
cream.
figure out why throops ar-re sint out fr'm
Tampa an' thin ordhered back through a
speakin' chube, while wan iv th' new brigadeer-gin'rals has his hands manicured an'
says
good-by to
be as plain to
th'
But
it
that hears
it
his nurse.
mule
ought to
as
it is
to
What we need,
jackasses that gets it up.
Hinnissy, is a perfect undherstandin' be-
th'
tween
We
th'
ar-rmy an'
need what
Hogan
calls
corpse, an' we'll on'y have
begins to move."
"
I
shud
think,"
administhration.
th'
said
it
th' esphrite th
whin
th'
1
mules
Mr. Hennessy,
ON MULES AND OTHERS
"
now
that
"
th' jackasses
has
begun
19
to be
onaisy
"
We ought to
Boord
be afraid
iv Sthrateejy
'11
Dooley interrupted.
too near th' fodder."
"
th'
cabinet an' th'
be stampeded
Niver
fear.
"
?
Mr.
They're
ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE.
"
WELL,"
Mr. Hennessy,
said
of
in tones
chastened joy " Dewey didn't do a thing to
thim.
I hope th'
poor la-ad ain't cooped
:
up there in Minneapolis."
"Niver fear," said Mr. Dooley, calmly.
"
Cousin George is all r-right."
"
"
Cousin George ?
Mr. Hennessy ex-
claimed.
"
Dooley,
Mr. Dooley.
said
Sure,"
'tis all
We
same.
th'
"
or
Dewey
a let-
dhrop
ter here an' there, except th' haitches,
we
niver dhrop thim,
but we're th' same breed
iv fightin'
th' fam'ly.
men.
Me
handy man, was
hell f'r
his
Georgy has th' thraits
Mike, that was
uncle
manny
Pr, lavin' out th*
wanst he'd be
tol'
wan
anny place
I
can get
get out iv/ he says.
says.
sint to
sin iv runnin'
f'r
to missin' mass.
1
a
sins, an' he desarved it;
annywan, he was booked
murdher
iv
into,'
'
Ye
'
away fr'm
ivrything from
Well/ he
he says,
*
says,
I
can
bet on that/ he
ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE
"
So
it is
He
with Cousin George.
an it's th' same way out.
21
knew
He
1
th'
way
in,
didn't go in be th' fam'ly inthrance, sneakin'
along with
th'
can undher his coat.
Ding Dong, or whativer
*
says he,
'tis
Thank Gawd,' he
me
no man can give
ye
'
says,
He
call
left
an'
it,
I'm where
his idees iv
how
to
r-run a quiltin' party, an' call it war,' he says.
An' so he sint a man down in a divin' shute,
an' cut th' cables, so's
with
Mack
Thin he
him.
cudden't chat
up
prances
to
th'
Spanish forts, an' hands thim a few oranges.
Tosses thim out like a man throwin' handbills
f 'r a circus.
raymimber
goes into
*
Take
that,'
he says,
*
an'
Maine,' he says. An* he
harbor, where Admiral What-
th'
th'
c
th'-'ell
is,
an',
says
he,
*
he
Surrinder,'
*
Niver,' says th' Dago.
Well,' says
Cousin George, 'I'll just have to push ye
An' he tosses a few
ar-round,' he says.
says.
slugs at th' Spanyards. Th' Spanish admiral
shoots at him with a bow an' arrow, an' goes
over an' writes a cable.
*
This mornin' we
was attackted,' he
*
An,' he says,
says.
'
we
MR. DOOLEY
22
fought the inimy with great courage,' he
Our victhry is com-plete,' he says.
says.
*
'We
'
have
we
lost ivrything
Th' threachrous foe/ he
had,'
c
says,
he says.
afther
de-
sought refuge behind a mudc
he
scow,'
says; but nawthin' daunted us.
stroyin' us,
What
boats
we cudden't
surrindered,' he
more,' he says,
he says
*
;
wan
fr'm
*
says.
*
as
me
I
r-run
ashore
we
cannot write no
coat-tails are afire,'
am
bravely but rapidly leapin'
vessel to another, followed be me
an' I
crew with a fire-engine,' he says.
can save me coat-tails,' he says, they'll
valiant
4
If
'
I
be no kick comin', he says.
c
Long
live
Spain, long live mesilf.'
"
Well,
clock
sir,
in twinty-eight minyits
Dewey he had
sunk, an' that
there
be
th'
all th'
Spanish boats
harbor lookin' like a
Spanish stew. Thin he r-run down th' bay,
handed a few war-rm wans into th' town.
an'
He
set
war-rm
th'
it
on
fire,
an' thin wint ashore
to
poor hands an' feet. It chills
blood not to have anny thing to do f 'r an
his
hour or more."
ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE
23
"
"
Thin why don't he write something ?
Mr. Hennessy demanded.
"
"
Write ?
echoed Mr. Dooley. " Write ?
Why
D'ye think Cousin
got nawthin' to do but to set
shud he write?
George
ain't
down with a
Mack, At
fountain pen, an' write : Dear
8 o'clock I begun a peaceful
*
blockade iv this
I
pieces ivrywhere.
same
Fr'm
gr-reat blessin'.
ye'ers
Ye
town.
can
see
hope ye're injyin' th'
So no more at prisint.
thruly, George Dooley.'
'Tis a nice day, an'
ain't that kind.
there smokin' a
good
tin-cint
He
whether we know what
done or
bet ye, whin
him,
we'll
he's
we come
He
he's
see-gar, an*
don't care
throwin' dice f V th' dhrinks.
I'll
th'
not.
to find out about
hear he's ilicted himself king iv th'
Dooley th' Wanst. He'll
F'lip-ine Islands.
be
settin'
up
there undher a pa'm-three with
him an' a dhrop iv licker in
naygurs fannin'
hollow iv his ar-rm, an' hootchy-kootchy
girls dancin' befure him, an' ivry tin or
th'
twinty minyits
in.
'
Who's
some wan
bringin' a prisoner
'
this
?
*
says
King Dooley.
A
MR. DOOLEY
24
Give him
says th' copper.
a typewriter an* set him to wurruk/ says th
'
Spanish
gin'ral,'
On with th' dance/ he says. An*
king.
afther awhile, whin he gits tired iv th' game,
*
he'll
write
home
an' he'll tur-rn
an'
go back
organize
wurrud."
to his ship, an'
th' F'lip-ine Islands
Comp'ny,
hadn't.
an' say he's got the islands ;
thim over to th' gover'mint
Mark
Hanna'll
Jute an' Cider
an' th' rivolutchinists'll wish
That's what'll happen.
they
Mark me
ON SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS.
"WELL,
Mr. Dooley, "I
sir," said
didn't
I
vote f 'r Mack, but I'm with him now.
had me doubts whether he was th' gr-reatest
military janius iv th' cinchry, but they'se no
question about
we
iver
do go
We
it.
into
it,
go into this war, if
th' most fash'n-
with
creased its pants.
ar-rmy
'Twill be a daily hint fr'm Paris to th' crool
that
able
foe.
"
like
Other
iver
gin'rals iv th'
r-rough-house kind,
Napoleon Bonypart,
Frinch, Gin'ral
Ulis
S.
impror iv th'
Grant, an' Cousin
th'
George Dooley, hired coarse, rude men that
wudden't know th' difference between goluf
an' crokay, an' had their pants tucked in
their boots an' chewed tobacco be th' pound.
Thank Hivin, McKinley knows
betther thin
to sind th' likes iv thim abroad to
frinds be
dumpin'
shock our
their coffee into thimsilves
fr'm a saucer.
"
Th' dure
bell rings, an' a fiitman in liv'ry
MR. DOOLEY
26
I'm Master Willie Dooselbery's man,
an' he's come to be examined f 'r th' army,'
*
says
:
says he.
c
Admit
Master Willie
val-lay, his
mah
him,' says
an*
;
accompanied be
enters,
an'
McKinley
pah
an' th'
comity
his
iv th'
c
*
Willie,' says th' Prisident, ye
goluf club.
ar-re enthrin' upon a gloryous car-eer, an'
'tis
nic'ssry that ye shud be thurly examined,
so that ye can teach th' glories iv civilization
to th' tyr-ranies iv Europe that is supported
be ye'er pah an' mah,' he says. c 'Twud be a
c
turr'ble thing,' he says, if some day they
shud meet a Spanish gin'ral in Mahdrid, an'
have him say to thim, " I seen ye'er son
Willie durin' th' war wearin' a stovepipe hat
Let us begin th' examinaan' tan shoes."
tion,'
he
'
s
says.
*
player ?
pint
Ar-re ye a good goluf
am,' says Willie.
I
ye a liftnant.
What we
c
Thin
need
I
ap-
in
th'
c
In
ar-rmy is good goluf players,' he says.
our former war,' he says, c we had th' misfortune to have
know
men
a beecycle
;
in
command
that didn't
between a goluf stick an'
an' what was th' raysult ?
We
th' diff 'rence
ON SOME APPOINTMENTS
foozled
c
says.
he
our approach at Bull R-run/ he
Ar-re ye a mimber iv anny clubs ?
'
c
says.
make ye
Four,'
'
I
says
a major,' he
get ye'er pants
says Willie.
c
27
make ye
?
'
c
Willie.
*
says.
Thin
Where
I
d'ye
Fr'm England/
Gloryous,' says McKinley.
Let me
colonel,' he says.
he
'
says.
*
a
'
thry ye in tactics,' he says.
Suppose ye
was confronted be a Spanish ar-rmy in th'
afthernoon, how wud ye dhress ? he says.
'
*
I'd wear a stovepipe hat, a long coat, a
white vest, an' lavender pants,' says Willie.
c
c
An*
attack was be night
if th'
put on
'
?
he
says.
me
dhress shoot, an' go out to
meet thim,' says Willie. C
thuro sojer,'
I'd
A
c
says
lasted
McKinley.
all
Suppose
night?' he says.
c
sociable
th'
I'd
sound
th'
rethreat at daybreak, an' have me brave boys
c
change back/ he says, to suitable appar'l/
'
he says.
*
Masterly/ says
will sind ye'er
he
c
*
says.
name
McKinley.
I
in as a
brigadier-gin'ral/
Thank Gawd,
he says,
th' r-rich/
brave an' pathriotic/ he says.
jine th' other boys fr'm th club at
is
c
Ye
will
j
Tampa/
MR. DOOLEY
28
he
c
says.
ment,' he
Ye shud
'
says.
I
be careful iv ye'er equiphave almost ivrything
*
r-ready/ says Willie.
thim details/ he says.
Me man
'
But
attinded to
fear I
I
can't
Me
*
go to th' fr-ront immejetly/ he says.
pink silk pijammas hasn't arrived/ he says.
4
'
Well,' says Mack/ 'wait f'r thim/ he says.
I'm anxious f'r to ind this hor'ble war/ he
which has cost me manny a sleepy
but 'twud be a crime f'r to
night/ he says
sind a sojer onprepared to battle/ he says.
Wait f'r th' pijammas/ he says.
Thin on
to war/ he says
an' let ye'er watchword be,
c
says,
'
;
1
'
'
;
"
'
ye'er manners," he says.
" '
They'se a man out here/ says th' privit
He's
sicrity, that wants to see ye/ he says.
Raymimber
'
'
a r-rough-lookin' charackter that was in th'
Soo war/ he says.
His name is Gin'ral
c
Fiteum/ he
says
Mack.
Avnoo
he says.
little
ye
says.
*
I
'Throw
him
seen
in
th'
stiff
out/
Pinnsylvania
yisterdah, r-ridin' in a sthreet ca-ar/
*
Ah,
Willie,
know what
me boy/ he
throuble
I
'
says,
'tis
have fr'm
these vulgar sojers with pants that bags at
ON SOME APPOINTMENTS
th'
Give
knees.
me
an* tell
worn
a goold-tipped cigareet,
whether shirt waists is much
year/
millinery shop.
that'll
tastiest
come out
Right dhress
mean
th'
put
in th' field that iver
'
ordher
this
Hinnissy, we'll
"Yis,
ar-rmy
me
New York
in
29
somethin'.
'
!
will
Th'
iv a
be an
ar-rmy'll
be followed be specyal correspondints fr'm
Butthrick's Pattherns an' Harper's Bazar;
an', if our brave boys don't gore an' pleat
inimy, 'twill be because
r-rude enough to shoot in
th'
clothes
they
wake up."
find
on
th'
th' inimy'll
be
anny kind iv
whin they
chair
ON STRATEGY.
"A STHRATEEJAN," said
sponse to
mation,
Whin
Mr. Dooley, in reMr. Hennessy's request for infor"is a champeen
checker-player.
th'
war broke out,
me
frind
Mack
me frind Hanna, an' says he, What,'
he says, 'what can we do to cr-rush th
a'n
haughty power iv Spain,' he says,
this
hateful
war
to
a
conclubr-ring
early
wint to
'
7
'
sion
"
?
'
he
says.
Mobilize
says Hanna.
players,'
iv th' counthry they've
where they're called
An' fr'm
gone
th'
checker-
all
cor-rners
to Washin'ton,
Sthrateejy Board.
Day an' night they set in a room with a
checker-board on th' end iv a flour bar'l, an'
th'
"
study problems iv th' navy. At night Mack
Well, boys,' says he, how goes
dhrops in.
battle
?
he
th'
says.
Gloryous,' says th'
'
'
'
Sthrateejy
we'll
'
be in
this is
'
'Two more moves,
Board.
an'
'
Ah,' says Mack,
king row.'
too good to be thrue,' he says.
In
th'
'
but a few brief minyits th' dhrinks'll be on
Have ye anny plans f'r
Spain,' he says.
'
ON STRATEGY
'
he says.
Sthrateejy Board.
Sampson's
says th'
Mack.
fleet
?
'Good,'
'
31
Where
'
I
'
is
it ?
dinnaw,' says
Sthrateejy Board.
says th'
Where's th' Spanish fleet?' says they.
Bombardin' Boston, at Cadiz, in San June
de Matzoon, sighted near th' gashouse be
1
c
our special correspondint, copyright, 1898,
be Mike O'Toole.'
sthrong position,'
'
says
th'
th' fleet
A
'
Undoubtedly,
Sthrateejy Board.
is headed south to attack and seize
Ordher Sampson
Armour's glue facthory.
to sail north as fast as he can, an' lay in a
Th' summer's comin' on.
supply iv ice.
Insthruct Schley to put on
put it off again, an' call us
all
steam, an' thin
up be
telephone.
R-rush eighty- three millyon throops an' four
mules to Tampa, to Mobile, to Chickenmaha,
to Coney Island, to Ireland, to th' diwle, an'
Don't r-rush thim.
r-rush thim back again.
Ordher Sampson to pick up th' cable at Lin-
coln Par-rk, an' run into th' bar-rn.
Is th'
balloon corpse r-ready ?
It is ?
Thin don't
sind
it
up.
Sind
Gyards co-op 'rate
it
up.
with
Have
Gomez,
th'
Mulligan
an' tell
him
MR. DOOLEY
32
to cut
away
his whiskers.
We
gled in th' riggin'.
Have ye anny
throops.
They've got tanneed yellow-fever
yellow fever in
th'
Give it to twinty thousand three
hundherd men, an' sind thim afther Gov'-
house?
nor Tanner.
r-riders
Teddy
Rosenfelt's
Ordher thim to th' goluf
They must be no indeci-
forms pressed.
links at wanst.
Where's Richard
sion.
On th' bridge
bridge.
r-rough
downstairs, havin' their uni-
ar-re
iv the
Harding Davis?
New York
?
Tur-rn
Seize Gin'ral Miles' uniform.
th'
We
must strengthen
th'
Gussie
?
th' gold resarve.
Where's
Runnin' off to Cuba with wan
hundherd men
war
is
an' ar-rms, iv coorse.
a dhreadful thing.
It's ye'er
Oh,
move,
Claude,' says th' Sthrateejy Board.
'*
An' so it goes on ; an' day by day we
r-read th' tur-rble story iv our brave sthrateejans sacrificin' their time on th' altar iv
their counthry, as Hogan says.
Little we
thought, whin we wint into this war, iv th'
Little we thought iv
horrors it wud bring.
th'
mothers
at
home
weepin' f 'r their brave
ON STRATEGY
33
boys down at Washington hur-rtin their poor
eyes over a checker-board. Little we thought
iv these
devoted men, as
says, with
Hogan
achin' heads, plannin' to sind three hundherd
thousand millyon men an' a carload iv beans
to their fate at
must be
Tampa,
sacrificed,
as
But some wan
Hogan says. An'
Fla.
these poor fellows in Washin'ton with their
r-red eyes an' their tired backs will be an
future
example
to
says, iv
how an American
ginerations,
as
Hogan
sojer can face
he has to, an' how he can't
his jooty whin
whin he hasn't to."
"
Dewey
a
ain't
"
sthrateejan
?
inquired
Mr. Hennessy.
"
"
Cousin George
No," said Mr. Dooley.
is a
an'
I'm
fond
iv him,
very
good man,
more be raison iv his doin' that May-o bosthoon Pat Mountjoy, but he has low tastes.
We niver cud make a sthrateejan iv him.
They'se a kind iv a vulgar fightin' sthrain in
him that makes him want to go out an* slug
some wan wanst
in Washin'ton.
th'
month. I'm glad he ain't
Th' chances ar-re he'd go to
a
Sthrateejy Board and pull
its
hair."
ON GENERAL
MILES'S MOONLIGHT EXCURSION.
"
DEAR, oh,
dear," said
an'
give five dollars
three
if I
was out
Mr. Dooley,
I'd
kill
"
I'd
man Pr
a
Wa-ard
iv this Sixth
to-night, an' down with Gin'ral Miles' gran'
picnic an' moonlight excursion in Porther
'Tis
Ricky.
whin ye think
no comfort
iv
in
bein' a cow'rd
thim br-rave la-ads
facin'
be suffication in bokays an' dyin' iv
waltzin' with th' pretty girls iv Porther
death
Ricky.
"
dinnaw whether Gin'ral Miles picked
job or whether 'twas picked out f 'r
him.
But, annyhow, whin he got to SanCubia an' looked ar-round him, he
de
dago
out
I
th'
'
says to his frind Gin'ral Shafter, Gin'ral,'
says he, ye have done well so far,' he says.
*
'Tis not f'r me to take th' lorls fr'm
steamin' brow iv a thrue hero/ he says.
th'
'
I
lave ye here,' he says, 'f'r to complete
victhry ye have so nobly begun,' he says.
th'
4
F'r you,' he says,
'
th'
wallop in
th'
eye fr'm
A MOONLIGHT EXCURSION
35
newspaper rayporther, th' r-round robhe says, f 'r me th*
bing, an* th* sunsthroke,'
th'
*
hardship iv
th'
battlefield, th*
'
Gather,' he says,
bravery,' he
ye'er native
chood
own
upon
*
says.
he
dinner,
this
*
says.
festive
'
*
says,
anny
to
grati-
can spare fr'm his
F'r me,' he says,
to tur-rn
he says,
scene,'
where jooty calls me,' he
he says, put a bottle on
goold
th' fruits iv ye'er
receive
War
no way but f 'r
is
*
Return,' he
an'
land,
th' Sicrety iv
fam'ly,'
there
me
late
theayter party, an* th* sickenin* polky,' he
says.
*
th*
me
'
back
an'
go
*
says.
Ordherly,'
th' ice, an* see that
pants that I wear with
blue vest with th* di'mon buttons
th*
is
pale
irned
he says. An* with a haggard face he
walked aboord th' excursion steamer, an*
out,*
wint away.
"I'd hate to
tell
expedition, Hinnissy.
as far as
Punch, on
ye iv
th' thriles
Whin
th'
iv th
th' picnic
southern
1
got
coast iv
Porther Ricky, Gin'ral Miles gazes out, an*
says he, 'This looks like a good place to
hang th' hammicks, an' have lunch,' says
MR. DOOLEY
36
he.
*
ye see
Forward, brave men,' says he,
me
di'mon's sparkle,' says he.
*
where
For*
ward, an' plant th' crokay ar-rches iv our
beloved counthry,' he says.
An' in they
wint, like inthrepid warryors that they ar-re.
On th' beach they was met be a diligation
fr'm
town of Punch,
th'
th'
con-sistin' iv
th'
common
council, th' polis an' fire
mayor,
th'
Gr-rand
departments,
Ar-rmy iv th' Raypublic, an' prominent citizens in carredges.
Gin'ral
makin' a hasty
Miles,
ad-
tielet,
c
vanced onflinchingly to meet thim.
Gintlecan
what
I
f
'r
do
men,' says he,
ye ? he
We come/ says th' chairman iv th'
says.
'
*
*
*
f 'r to
comity,
iv th' town,'
he says,
he says,
c
as
'
he
*
says.
long as we cud,' he says.
they'se a limit to
he says.
longer,' he says.
ance,'
*
he says, th' r-run
We have held out,'
offer ye,'
'We
'
We
human
*
But,'
endur-
can withstand ye no
Take us
surrinder.
prisoners, an' rayceive us into ye'er gloryous
an' well-fed raypublic,' he says.
Br-rave
*
*
men,' says Gin'ral Miles, I congratulate ye,'
he says, on th' heeroism iv yer definse,' he
*
A MOONLIGHT EXCURSION
'Ye stuck manfully
says.
whativer they ar-re,' he says.
dher that ye waited f 'r me to
to
'
surrindhrin,' he
says.
'
don't
'
I
know how
that's
'Ye
mine,' he
yer colors,
on'y woncome befure
welcome ye into
I
Union,' he says.
Union'll feel about it, but
th'
I
37
th'
no business
will
iv
says.
get ye'er
wur-rkin-cards fr'm th' walkin' diligate,' he
'
says
;
an' ye'll
be
entitled,'
he says,
'
to
pay
ye'er share iv th' taxes an' to live awhile an'
die whin ye get r-ready,' he says, 'jus' th
1
same
4
1
ye
as if
don't
all
ye was bor-rn at home,' he says.
th' names iv ye; but I'll call
know
Casey, f 'r short,' he says.
bokays
in th'
hammick,' he says,
to Punch,' he says
me,' he says,
'
f 'r
'
;
me
th' labors iv th' day,'
'
Put ye'er
'
an' return
an' freeze somethin' f 'r
thrawt
he
is
says.
parched with
Th'
r-rest iv
was spint in dancin,' music, an*
boat-r-ridin'
an' an inj'yable time was had.
" Th' nex'
day th' army moved on Punch
an' Gin'ral Miles marched into th' ill-fated
th' avenin'
;
;
preceded be flower-girls sthrewin' r-roses
an' geranyums befure him.
In th' afthercity,
noon they was
a lawn
tinnis party, an' at
MR. DOOLEY
38
night the gin'ral attinded a banket at th'
Gran* Palace Hotel. At midnight he was
serenaded be
th'
Raymimber
Mandolin Club.
an*
attinded, with
Th'
pork chops
th'
Maine Banjo
entire
popylace
in their button-
show
their pathreetism.
Th* nex'
day, afther breakfastin' with Mayor Casey,
holes to
out on his weary march over th'
r-rough, flower-strewn paths f'r San Joon.
he
set
He
has been in gr-reat purl fr'm a witherin'
iv bokays, an' he has met an' overpow-
fire
ered
some
ther
mos' savage orators in Porbut, whin I las' heerd iv him, he
iv th'
Ricky
had pitched
;
his tents an' ice-cream freezers
near the inimy's wall, an' was grajully silencin' thim with proclamations."
"They'll kill him with kindness if he
don't look out," said Mr. Hennessy.
"
I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Dooley ;
"
but
I
know
this, that there's
gr-reat statesmen
in
Porther
th'
makin' iv
Ricky.
A
proud people that can switch as quick as
thim la-ads have nawthin' to larn in th' way
iv what Hogan calls th' signs iv gover'mint,
even fr'm
th'
Supreme Court."
ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S
ACTIVITY.
"
up with him
IF they don't catch
soon," said
ar-round
Mr. Dooley,
th'
wurruld, an'
"
pretty
he'll fight his
way
come out through
Bar-saloona or Cades."
"Who's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"
Me
Cousin George, no
less," said
Mr.
"
I
Dooley.
suppose ye think th' war is
over an' peace has rayturned jus* because
Tiddy Rosenfelt is back home again an' th'
in
sojers ar-re hungry
That's
in
Sandago.
New York
'stead iv
where ye'er wrong,
where ye'er wrong, me
Hinnissy.
bucko. Th' war is not over till Cousin
George stops fightin'. Th' Spanyards have
That's
had enough, but among thrue fightin' men
don't make anny difference what th' feel'Tis
in's iv th' la-ad undherneath may be.
it
whin
in'
th'
man on
top has had his
fill
iv fight-
that th' throuble's over, an' be the look
iv things
take tay.
Cousin George has
jus'
begun to
MR. DOOLEY
40
"Whin me
time
Mack
frind
con-eluded 'twas
us to stop fightin' an* begin skinning each other in what Hogan calls th'
marts iv thrade, ye thought that ended it.
f'r
So did Mack. He says, says he, Let us
have peace,' he says. An' Mark Hanna
came out iv' th' cellar, where he's been since
Cousin George presinted his compliments to
'
Ph'lippines an' wud they prefer to be kilt
or dhrownded, an' pro-posals was made to
th'
bond
th'
Cubian
pathrites, an' all th' deuces
deck begun to look like face car-rds
again, whin suddently there comes a message
fr'm Cousin George.
In pursooance iv
in th'
*
ordhers that niver come,' he says,
'
to-day
th'
squadhron undher my command knocked
th' diwle out iv th' fortifications iv th' Ph'lippines, bombarded the city, an' locked up
1
The gov'nor got away
be swimmin' aboord a Dutch ship, an' th'
Dutchman took him to Ding Dong. I'll
th insurgent gin'ral.
attind
whin
in
to
I
th'
Dutchman some afthernoon
have nawthin'
the palace with
else to do.
me
feet
on
I'm
th'
settin'
pianny.
ON ADMIRAL DEWEY
41
I won't
get it. So no more at
frind an* well-wisher,
fr'm
oP
ye'er
prisint,
Write soon.
George Dooley.'
How ar-re
How ar-re they
"
Mack on
th'
to
they goin'
him ?
stop
goin' to stop him ?
shore bawlin' ordhers.
There's
'
Come
Come back, I com-mand
back/ he says.
he
says.
ye,'
George, come back,' he says.
We're at peace
Th' war is over,' he says.
*
c
*
1
with
th'
*
says,
1
he says.
wurruld,'
*
George,' he
George, be a good fellow,' he says.
Hivins an'
thim,' he says.
Lave up on
'
poor Spanyard with a
earth, he's batin' that
pavin' block.
hear-rt,'
he
George, George, ye break
me
says.
"
But George Dooley, he gives th' wink
to his frinds, an* says he, What's that man
on th' shore about ?
he says.
yellin'
*
'
4
Louder,' he
'
says.
I
can't
hear ye,' he
Write it to me
says.
Sing it,' he says.
on a postal ca-ard at Mahdrid,' he says.
Don't stop me now,' he says.
This is me,
*
*
*
*
busy day,' he says
;
piece iv lead pipe in
pin in
th' other.
an'
away he goes with
wan hand
a
an' a
couplin'
MR. DOOLEY
42
We
"What'll we do with him?
can't
up with him. He's goin' too fast.
Mack's a week behind him ivry time he
catch
He
has sthrung a throlstops annywhere.
ley acrost th' islands, an' he's climbin' moun-
Th' on'y thing I
Mack can do is to go
tains with his fleet.
see,
Hinnissy, that
east
meet him comin' r-round.
he'll sthrike him somewhere
Boohlgahria, an' say to him
If he hurries,
in Rooshia or
an'
war's
me ?
"
'
I
whin
"
I
"He
'
George, th'
Won't ye come home with
over.
I think he'll listen to reason."
think a
th'
war
man ought
is
:
to
stop
fightin'
Mr. Hennessy.
said Mr. Dooley.
ended," said
dinnaw about
that,"
started without askin' our lave, an' I
don't see what we've got to
way he
do with
th'
'Tis a tur-rble thing to be
a man iv high sperrits, an' not to know whin
th' other fellow's licked."
finishes.
"
I
said
ON THE
PHILIPPINES.
KNOW what
I'd
do if I was Mack,"
" I'd hist a
flag over
Mr. Hennessy.
Ph'lippeens, an' I'd take
lot iv thim."
th'
in
whole
th'
"An'
more
yet," said Mr. Dooley, "tis not
thin two months since ye larned
whether they were islands or canned goods.
Ye'er back yard is so small that ye'er cow
can't turn r-round without buttin' th'
shed off
th'
wood-
premises, an' ye wudden't go
out to th' stock yards without takin' out a
Suppose ye was standin'
policy on yer life.
at th' corner iv
R-road,
Sthreet
State
wud ye know what
get to th' Ph'lippeens
was to ask ye where
?
th'
an'
Archey
car to take to
If yer son Packy
Ph'lippeens
is,
cud
ye give him anny good
idea whether they
"
was in Rooshia or jus' west iv th' thracks ?
" Mebbe I
cudden't," said Mr. Hennessy,
haughtily,
how."
" So
" but I'm f r takin' thim
might
I
be," said
in,
anny-
Mr. Dooley, " if
I
44
MR. DOOLEY
cud on'y get
me mind on
Wan
it.
iv the
worst things about this here war is th' way
it's makin'
puzzles f 'r our poor, tired heads.
Whin
to
a
I
wint into
do was
good
to set
it,
up
I
thought
all
I'd have
here behind th' bar with
tin-cint see-gar in
me
teeth, an' toss
into th' hated city iv Halook at me now. Th' war is still
dinnymite bombs
But
on
an' ivry night, whin I'm countin'
goin'
up the cash, I'm askin' mesilf will I annex
Cubia or lave it to the Cubians ? Will I take
Porther Ricky or put it by ? An' what shud
I do with the Ph'lippeens ?
Oh, what shud
I can't annex thim because
I do with thim ?
I can't let
I don't know where they ar-re.
go iv thim because some wan else'll take
vana.
;
thim
are eight thousan' iv
thim islands, with a popylation iv wan hunif I
do.
They
dherd millyon naked savages an'
room's crowded now with me an'
;
How
am
can
I
take thim
in, an'
me
bed-
th'
bed.
how on
earth
goin' to cover th' nakedness iv thim
An'
savages with me wan shoot iv clothes ?
I
yet 'twud break
me
heart to think iv givin'
ON THE PHILIPPINES
people I niver see or heerd
other people I don't know.
tell
back to
iv
An',
45
if I
don't
take thim, Schwartzmeister down th' sthreet,
that has half me thrade already, will grab
thim sure.
" It ain't that I'm afraid iv not doin'
r-right
thing in
mornin'
I'll
th'
end, Hinnissy.
wake up
an*
But
do, an' that I'll do.
in th'
mane
time.
th'
Some
know jus' what
'tis
th'
to
annoyance
I've been r-readin' about
'Tis over beyant ye'er left
counthry.
shoulder whin ye're facin' east.
Jus' throw
th'
ye'er
thumb
anny man
back, an' ye have it as ac'rate as
in town.
'Tis farther thin Boohl-
gahrya an' not so
near Chiny, an'
man was
far as
it's
Blewchoochoo.
not so near; an',
It's
if a
to bore a well
through fr'm Goshen,
Indianny, he might sthrike it, an* thin again
he might not.
It's a
poverty-sthricken coun-
thry, full iv goold an' precious stones, where
th'
people can pick dinner off th' threes an'
ar-re
starvin' because
ladders.
gurs an'
they have
Th' inhabitants
Chinnymen,
is
no step-
mostly nay-
peaceful, industhrus,
MR. DOOLEY
46
an' law-abiding but savage an'
bloodthirsty in
their methods.
wear
no
clothes
They
except
what they have on, an* each woman has five
husbands an* each man has five wives. Th'
r-rest goes into th' discard, th' same as here.
Th' islands has been ownded be Spain since
befure th' fire; an' she's threated thim so
they're now up in ar-rms again her,
except a majority iv thim which is thurly
well
Th'
loyal.
natives seldom fight, but
whin
they get mad at wan another they r-runa-muck. Whin a man r-runs-a-muck, sometimes
they hang him
an'
sometimes they
discharge him an' hire a new motorman.
Th' women ar-re beautiful, with languishin'
black eyes, an' they smoke see-gars, but
ar-re hurried an' incomplete in their dhress.
I see a
pitcher iv wan th' other day with
nawthin' on her but a basket of cocoanuts
an* a hoop-skirt.
They're no prudes.
We
import juke, hemp, cigar wrappers, sugar, an*
fairy tales fr'm
th'
Ph'lippeens, an' export
six-inch
an'
th'
shells
Ph'lippeens
has
like.
awaked
to
Iv
th'
late
fact
th'
that
ON THE PHILIPPINES
they're
behind
times, an' has
th'
much American amminition
They
say
th'
about it.
" I larned
know
'tis
all
received
in their midst.
is
Spanyards
47
all
tore
up
this fr'm
th' papers, an'
I
An*
yet, Hinnissy,
I
sthraight.
dinnaw what to do about th' Ph'lippeens.
An' I'm all alone in th' wurruld. Ivrybody
Ye ask anny
else has made up his mind.
con-ducthor on Ar-rchy R-road, an' he'll tell
if
ye. Ye can find out fr'm the papers ; an',
ye really want to know, all ye have to do is
to ask a prom'nent citizen who can mow all
But I
th' lawn he owns with a safety razor.
don't know."
"
Hang on to thim,"
" What we've
stoutly.
Mr. Hennessy,
must hold."
we
got
said
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if I was
I'd say
Mack, I'd lave it to George.
:
c
c
George,' I'd say, if ye're f'r hangin' on,
hang on it is. If ye say, lave go, I dhrop
'Twas George won thim with th'
thim.'
shells, an' th' question's
up
to him."
ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY.
" IT looks
though me
to
"
me," said Mr. Dooley,
frind
Mack'd got
as
iv th'
tired
Sthrateejy Board, an' was goin' to lave th'
th' men in black."
war to
"How's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy,
who has at best but a clouded view of public
affairs.
have
sthrateejans
jeans
on
Mr. Dooley, "while
said
"Well,"
been wearin' out
cracker - boxes
in
th'
their
Wash'n'ton,
they'se been goin' on th' mos' deadly conflict iver heerd tell iv between th'
pow'rful
preachin'
navies
Manila
nawthin' at
is
iv
th'
all
two
counthries.
to th' scenes
iv
carnage an' slaughter, as Hogan says, that's
been brought about be these desthroyers.
Th' Spanyards
th'
bishop
monitor (ol*
fired
th'
openin'
gun whin
pow'rful turreted
style), attackted us with both
iv
Cades,
a
for'ard guns, an' sint a storm iv brimstone
an' hell into us.
But th' victhry was not
f'r
long with
th'
hated Spanyard.
He
was
ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY
answered be our whole
Thin he was jined be
loona an'
bishop
first
class,
r-runnin'
Havana,
all
followed
be
all
vicar gin'ral
th'
way
to
a
iv preachers.
bishop iv Barsa-
fleet
th'
Mahdrid
bishop iv
th'
iv
49
an'
th'
iv
th'
battle-ships
a fleet iv cruisers
fr'm a full-ar-rmored
protected
parish
priest.
To
meet thim, we sint th' bishop iv New
York, th' bishop iv Philadelphia, th' bishop
iv Baltimore, an' th' bishop iv
Chicago, accompanied be a flyin' squadhron iv Metho-
Presbyteryan monitors, a fleet iv
Baptist submarine desthroyers, an' a formid-
dists, three
able
iv
Universalist
an'
Unitaryan
Manetorpedo boats, with a Jew r-ram.
time th' bishop iv Manila had fired a solid
array
prayer, weighin' a ton,
an' a
masked batthry
replied, inflictin' severe
lantic fleet is
the bishop iv
bishop iv
now
at
San Francisco;
iv Congregationalists
damage.
Our At-
sarchin' f 'r th' inimy, an'
New York
is
blockadin' th'
Sandago de Cuba;
an*
they'se
been an exchange iv prayers between th'
bishop iv Baltimore an' th' bishop iv Havana without much damage.
MR. DOOLEY
50
" Th' Lord knows
wan
First
side
how
prays
Hiven'll descind on
th'
it'll
that
come
out.
wrath
th'
iv
other, an* thin th'
other side returns th' compliment with inTh' Spanish bishop says we're a lot
threst.
iv murdherin', irreligious thieves, an'
to be swept fr'm th' face iv th' earth.
say his
people ar-re th' same, an'
wishes Hivin to sink
He
thim.
desthroy our men;
an*
injye th'
shade
manny
iv
our ships
we hope
he'll
We
same
same
iv th'
have a
gr-reat blessin'.
f
'r
his
fleets
ar-re
all
him,
class an' oP style, an' we have
most modhern prayin' machines
in the warruld
no
We
th' best iv
iv th'
some
an'
ought
aisy
;
wurruk
" What
but he prays har-rd, an'
'tis
to silence him."
d'ye think about
it
?" asked Mr.
Hennessy.
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I dinnaw
think iv it.
Me own idee is
jus' what to
not
a
that war is
matther iv prayers so much
as a
matther iv punchin'
a prayer book
books.
;
an' th' on'y place
is in th'
story
stops a bullet
'Tis like
what Father Kelly
said.
ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY
51
Three weeks ago las' Sundah he met Hogan
an' Hogan, wantin' to be smart, ast him if
he'd offered up prayers f 'r th' success iv th'
*
cause.
Faith, I did not/ says th' good man.
c
I was in too much iv a hurry to
get away/
c
What was th' matther?' ast Hogan. C I
had me uniform to brush up an' me soord to
;
Father Kelly. c I am goin' with
th' rig'mint to-morrah,' he says ; an' he says,
c
If ye hear iv me waitin' to pray,' he says,
polish,' says
c
anny time they'se a call f'r me,' he says,
'to be in a fight,' he says, c ye may conhe says, c that I've lost me mind, an*
won't be back to me parish,' he says.
c
c
Hogan,' he says, I'll go into th' battle
clude,'
with a prayer book in wan hand an' a soord
c
in th' other,' he says ;
an,' if th' wurruk calls
two hands, 'tis not th' soord I'll dhrop/
he says. c Don't ye believe in prayer?' says
f'r
C
I
do/ says
th'
good man;
c
but/
he says, a healthy person ought/ he says,
c
to be ashamed/ he says, c to ask f'r help in
Hogan.
c
a fight/ he says."
cc
That's th' way
I
look
at it," said
Mr.
MR. DOOLEY
"When 'tis an aven
52
Hennessy.
th'
prayin',
" Ye're
ley,
man
may
th' best
man
win."
Mr. DooAn* th' best
r-right, Hinnissy," said
warmly.
will win."
" Ye're
r-right.
thing in
ON THE ANGLO-SAXON.
"
WELL,"
said
Mr. Dooley, "
I
see be th'
pa-apers that th* snow-white pigeon iv peace
have tied up th' dogs iv war. It's all over
All we've got to do is to arrest th'
pathrites an' make th' reconcenthradios pay
now.
be r-ready f 'r to take a
punch at Germany or France or Rooshia or
th'
tax, an'
stamp
anny counthry on th' face iv th' globe.
"An' I'm glad iv it. This war, Hinnissy,
To think
has been a gr-reat sthrain on me.
F'r weeks I
iv th' suffrin' I've endured
fearin'
at
that
th' Spanish
awake
lay
nights
ar-rmadillo'd lave the Cape Verde Islands,
!
where
an'
it
wasn't, an' take th' thrain out here,
hur-rl death an'
little store.
come out
Day
an' beat
destruction into
be day
me
th' pitiless exthries
down on me.
Ye
hear iv
Teddy Rosenfelt plungin' into ambus-cades
an' Sicrity iv Wars ; but d'ye hear iv Martin
man behind
guns, four thousan' miles behind thim, an' willin' to be further?
They ar-re no bokays f'r me. I'm
Dooley,
th'
th'
MR. DOOLEY
54
what Hogan
calls
ous heroes iv
th'
wan
iv th'
mute, inglorydam mute,
Some day, Hinnissy, justice'll be
ayther.
done me,
war
an* not so
;
me
an* th' likes iv
story iv a gr-reat battle
is
;
an',
whin
written,
th'
they'll
print th' kilt, th' wounded, th' missin', an'
th' seryously disturbed.
An' thim that have
bore thimsilves well an' bravely an' paid
th'
taxes an' faced th' deadly newspa-apers without flinchin' '11 be advanced six pints an'
given a chanst to tur-rn jack f 'r th' game.
" But me wurruk ain't over
jus' because
Mack
is
has inded th' war an'
comin'
You
an'
this here
home
me,
two
in
is
th'
An
Anglo-
that's forgot
They're a lot iv thim
There must be as manny
his parents.
Boston
:
they'se
wan up
in
Maine,
Bogg's Ferry in New
an'
dhrives
a milk wagon.
Mack
State,
an' another lives
York
German
a
is
in this counthry.
as
Rosenfelt
th'
'lieance.
Anglo-Saxon
Saxon, Hinnissy,
who was
Teddy
Sicrety iv War.
Hinnissy, has got to bring on
to bite
at
an Anglo-Saxon.
County
His
Armagh,
an'
folks
their
come
fr'm
naytional
ON THE ANGLO-SAXON
Anglo-Saxon hymn
Teddy
Rosenfelt
c
is
another Anglo-Saxon.
is
I'm wan
hottest Anglo-Saxons that iver
Anglo-Saxony. Th' name iv
th'
iv th'
come out
" Schwartzmeister
he doesn't know
him.
that
many
is
th'
years.
an Anglo-Saxon, but
an' won't till some wan
is
Pether Bowbeen
Frinch church
Anglo-Saxon
it,
f 'r
iv
Dooley has
proudest Anglo-Saxon name in
County Roscommon
tells
A boo.'
O'Donnell
An' I'm an Anglo-Saxon.
been
55
down be
th'
formin' th' Circle Francaize
club,
used
me
an'
to
boss
ol'
frind
Do-
th'
Ar-rchey
minigo
R-road wagon whin Callaghan had th' sthreet
conthract will march at th' head iv th' Dago
Anglo-Saxons whin
th'
time comes.
There
twinty thousan' Rooshian Jews at a
quarther a vote in th' Sivinth Ward ; an',
ar-re
ar-rmed with rag hooks, they'd be a tur-rble thing Pr anny inimy iv th' Anglo-Saxon
'lieance to face.
Th' Bohemians an' Pole
Anglo-Saxons may be a little slow
up to what th' pa-apers calls our
hurtage, but ye
may be
in wakin'
common
sure they'll be
all
MR. DOOLEY
56
whin they're
r-right
together
wa-ard,
an*
O'Brien
we're goin'
prisidint,
vice-prisidint,
Wolfe
an*
Fenian
th
f
this
Sarsfield
ilict
O'Neill
Darsey
sicrety,
Malone three-asurer.
good wan to have. He
be a
Clan.
in
Tone
O'Brien'll
in the
to
Hugh
We've got
'lieance
Robert Immitt Clancy
was
rid a
called on.
an Anglo-Saxon
r-raid, an' his father car-
pike in forty-eight. An' he's in th'
Besides, he has a sthrong pull with
Ancient Ordher
iv
Anglo-Saxon Hi-
bernyans.
"
I
ye, whin th' Clan an' th' Sons iv
an' th' Banana Club an' th' Circle
tell
Sweden
Francaize an' th'
Pollacky Benivolent So-
ciety an* th' Rooshian Sons of Dinnymite
an' th' Benny Brith an' th' Coffee Clutch
that
Schwartzmeister r-runs an'
th'
Tur-
Holland
rnd'ye-mind
Afro-Americans an' th' other Anglo-Saxons
an' th'
society an' th'
begin f 'r to raise their Anglo-Saxon battlecry, it'll be all day with th' eight or nine
people in th' wurruld that has th' misfortune
iv not bein' brought up Anglo-Saxons,"
ON THE ANGLO-SAXON
"They'se goin'
be a debate on
to
57
th'
1
th ninety-eight picnic at Ogden's
gr-rove," said Mr. Hennessy.
"
"
PVaps," said Mr. Dooley, sweetly, ye
'lieance at
might like to borry th
1
loan iv an ice-pick."
ON A LETTER FROM THE
FRONT.
MR. DOOLEY
looked important, but affected indifference, as he mopped the bar.
Mr. Hennessy, who had learned to study
order to
his friend in
escape disagreeable
complications, patiently waited for the phiMr. Dooley rubbed the
losopher to speak.
bar to the end, tossed the cloth into a mysterious recess with a practised movement,
moved
his spectacles,
pocket.
cc
Hm-m
"
!
has sint
"
me
How
he said
Me
fr-ront.
th'
on the shelf, cleaned
and drew a letter from his
a glass or two
"
:
have news fr'm
I
newew, Terry Donahue,
a letther tellin'
shud he know
me
"
?
all
about
it."
Mr. Hennessy
asked.
"
"
How shud
Mr. Dooley
he know, is it ?
" How shudden't he
demanded warmly.
know? Isn't he a sojer in th' ar-rmy?
Isn't
it
fightin'
him
that's
f'r th'
down
honor
there in Sandago
iv th' flag, while th'
A LETTER FROM THE FRONT
likes iv
you
doin'
an*
is
up here
nawthin'
all
59
livin' like a prince,
th' livelong
shovel at th' rollin'-mills
?
Who
day but
are ye f 'r
to criticize th' dayfinders iv our counthry
ar-re lyin' in th' trinches, an' havin' th'
who
clothes stole off their backs be th' pathriotic
F 'r two pins,
Cubians, I'd like to know?
Hinnissy, you an' I'd quarrel."
c<
I didn't
mean
cc
apologized.
I
nawthin'," Mr. Hennessy
didn't know he was down
there."
"Nayether
" But
wan
Ye
did
informed
I,"
said
mesilf.
Mr. Dooley.
I'll
have
no
in this place speak again th' ar-rmy.
He
can have ye'er say about Mack.
has a
to
I
good job, an' 'tis r-right an' proper f'r
him fr'm time to time. It shows
baste
good thrim, an' it don't hur-rt him.
They'se no wan to stop his pay. He goes
up to th' cashier an' dhraws his forty-wansixty-six jus' th' same whether he's sick 01
well, an' whether he's pulled th' box reg-lar
ye'er in
or has been playin' forty-fives in th' back
room.
But whin ye come
to castin' asper-
MR. DOOLEY
60
sions
on
th'
ar'rmy, be hivens, ye'll find that
I can
put me thumb on this showcase an* go
over at wan lep."
"
didn't say annything," said Mr.
" I didn't know about
Terry."
nessy.
I
Hen-
" Iv
coorse, ye didn't," said Mr. Dooley.
"An' that's what I'm sayin'. Ye're here
wallowin' in luxury, wheelin' pig ir'n fr'm
morn
till
night; an' ye have no thought iv
You an' Jawn D.
what's goin' on beyant.
Rockefeller an' Phil Ar-rmour an' Jay Pierpont Morgan an' th' r-rest iv ye is settin'
back at home figurin' how ye can make
some wan.
else
in
pay ye'er taxes f 'r ye.
Terry is
to ye that me newew
ditch wather an' atin'
is it
hard
What
sleepin'
an'
tacks
coffee an' bein' r-robbed be leeber Cubians,
an* catchin' yallow fever without a chanst iv
Ye think more
a Spanyard.
givin' it to e'er
iv a stamp thin ye do iv ye'er counthry.
Ye're like
th'
Sugar Thrust.
F'r two cints
ye'd refuse to support th' govermint.
know ye, ye bloated monno-polist."
I
" I'm no such
thing," said Mr. Hennessy,
A LETTER FROM THE FRONT
hotly.
" I've been a
Dimmycrat
61
f'r thirty
year."
"Well, annyhow," said Mr. Dooley,
"don't speak disrayspictful iv th* ar-rmy.
Lave me r-read you Terry's letter fr'm th'
c
m In th' trinches, two miles
fr-ront.
M
:
fr'm Sandago, with a land crab as big as a
lobster crawlin' up me back be way iv King-
June
way it
ston,
th'
We
an'
are
all
Dear Uncle Martin.' That's
c
Dear Uncle Martin
begins.
6,
:
well here, except thim that
hope ye're
injyin'
th'
same gr-reat
is
not,
blessin'.
down
here thin Billy-be-dam'd.
They'se a rollin'-mill near here jus' th' same
It's
hotter
home, but all th' hands is laid off on
account iv bad times.
They used ol'-fashioned wooden wheelbahrs an' fired with
wood. I don't think they cud handle th'
pig th' way we done, bein' small la-ads. Th'
as at
coke has to be hauled up in sacks be th'
gang. Th' derrick hands got six a week, but
hadn't anny union.
Helpers got four twinty.
I wint
Puddlers was well paid.
through th'
plant before
we come up
here, an* r-run a
MR. DOOLEY
62
wagon up
th'
me
plank
jus' to
keep
me hand
wan gang iv good
cud wurruk anny three
Th' mills is owned
iv th' gangs down here.
be Rockefellar, so no more at prisint fr'm
Tell
in.
frinds that
la-ads fr'm th* r-road
yer affecshunate
" 'Tis a
good
cc
I
don't see
f'r six a
"Me
newew,
Peter Casey, who's
me.'"
writin' this f'r
Mr. Hennessy.
cud
they
get derrick hands
letter," said
how
week."
frind
Mr. Dooley.
Jawn D. knows how,"
said
ON OUR CUBAN
"WELL,
sir,"
thim Cubians
back up
th'
!
ALLIES.
Mr. Dooley, "dam
was Gin'ral Shafter, I'd
said
If
wagon
I
in front iv th' dure, an*
I'd say to Gin'ral Garshy, I'd say, c I want
you'; an' I'd have thim all down at th'
dacently booked be th' desk
Th' impysergeant before th' fall iv night.
"
dince iv thim
"What have they been doin' ? " Mr.
Hennessy asked.
station
an'
!
" Failin' to
undherstand our civilization,"
" Ye
said Mr. Dooley.
see, it was this way.
This is th' way it was
Gin'ral Garshy
:
with
wan hundherd thousan' men's been
fightin'
Cubia.
his
bravely f'r two years f 'r to liberyate
F'r two years he's been marchin'
sivinty-five
th' island,
thousan'
desthroyin' th'
men up
an'
down
haughty Spanyard
Whin war was declared,
millyons.
he offered his own sarvice an' th' sarvices iv
be
his
th'
ar-rmy iv
United States ;
fifty
thousan'
men
to
th'
an', while waitin' f'r ships to
MR. DOOLEY
64
he marched
arrive,
at
men down
th'
head
iv
his
tin
Sandago de Cuba an'
a
captured
cigar facthry, which they soon
to
smokin' ruins.
They was
rayjooced
thousan'
to
holdin' this
Gin'ral Garshy an*
position
his gallant wan thousan' men
whin Gin'ral
Gin'ral Garshy immedjitly
Shafter arrived.
offered th'
an',
when
iv himsilf an'
sarvices
hundherd men f 'r
capture iv
th'
his
two
Sandago
;
Gin'ral Shafter arrived, there was
his gallant band iv fifty
Cubians, r-ready to eat at a minyit's notice.
Garshy with
Gin'ral
" Gin'ral Shafter
man
a big, coorse, two-fisted
fr'm Mitchigan, an', whin he see Gin'ral
is
an' his twinty-five gallant followers,
c
This way,' he says,
Fr-ront,' says he.
c
an' move some iv
he
says,
'step lively,'
Garshy
*
these things,' he says.
*
Garshy,
d'ye take me
'
says.
gage
I'm a
car,'
an* I'd lay
wan
iv th'
Sir,' says Gin'ral
'
f 'r a dhray ?
he
c
he says, not a bag-
sojer,'
he says.
down me
c
c
I'm a Cubian
life
pathrite,
an' the lives iv ivry
eighteen brave
voted ar-rmy,' he says;
c
but
men
I'll
iv
me
de-
be dam'd
if
ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES
c
65
fight whin-
carry a thrunk/ he says.
c
an* they ain't wan iv
'tis cool/ he says,
that
wudden't follow
these twelve men here
I
I'll
iver
me
to hell if they
was awake at
c
he
c
They'se a lot iv
says.
th'
time/ he
wurruk we were
says; 'but/ he says,
lookin' Pr, we cud have found
if 'twas
it
it
long ago/
coun-
in this
thry that nobody's usin'/ he says.
c
What
we want/ he says, c is freedom/ he says;
c
an', if ye think we have been in th' woods
corryspondint f'r two
year/ he says, f'r th' sake iv r-rushin' yer
c
laundhry home/ he says, 'tis no wondher/
he says, c that th' r-roads fr'm Marinette to
th'
dodgin'
savage
c
Kalamazoo
is
with
paved
goold
bricks
bought be th' people iv ye'er native State/
he says.
" So Shafter had to
carry his own thrunk ;
an' well
was
it
f'r
him
that
wasn't Gin'ral
it
Miles', the weather bein' hot.
was
mad
clear
An' Shafter
whin he took
through; an',
hold iv Sandago, an' was sendin' out invitations, he scratched Garshy.
Garshy took
his gallant
band
iv six
back to
th'
woods
;
an'
MR. DOOLEY
66
there th' three iv thim ar-re now, ar-rmed
with forty r-rounds
iv
canned lobster, an'
Him
an' th'
ready to ray sis t to th' death.
other man has written to Gin'ral Shafter to
tell
him what they think
iv him, an'
it
don't
take long."
"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "I think
done wrong. He might' ve asked
Shafter
Garshy
in
f'r to
see th' show, seein* that
he's been hangin' ar-round f'r a long time,
doin' th' best he cud."
"It
isn't
that," explained
" Th' throuble
is
th'
Cubians don't undher-
stand our civilization.
Over here freedom
What
means hard wurruk.
iv all iv us,
Mr. Dooley.
?
is
th'
ambition
'Tis ayether to hold
Hinnissy
our job or to get wan.
want wurruk.
must have it. D'ye raymimber th' sign
We
We
th'
mob
carrid in th' procession las'
year?
c
Give us wurruk, or we perish,' it said.
They had their heads bate in be polismen
because no philan-thropist'd come along an'
make thim shovel
th' mobs turns
whin
coal.
Now,
in
Cubia,
out, they carry a banner
ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES
67
c
with the wurruds, Give us nawthin' to do,
or we perish.'
Whin a Cubian comes home
happy smile on
at night with a
his face,
don't say to his wife an' childher,
wurruk
I've got
Gawd,
c
Thank Gawd,
at last!'
I've been fired.'
childher go out, and they say,
a
he
Thank
He
says,
An'
th'
c
Pah-pah has
Cubian buys herand where wanst they was
And Mrs.
lost his job.'
silf
c
new bonnet
;
sorrow an' despair
all is
happiness an' a cot-
tage organ.
" Ye can't
that,
an'
make people here undherstand
ye can't make a Cubian undher-
stand that freedom means th' same thing as
a pinitinchry sintince.
Whin we thry to get
c
wurruk, he'll say
Why shud I ?
haven't committed anny crime.'
That's
him
I
goin'
to
to
:
be
th' throuble.
Th'
first
thing
we know we'll have another war in Cubia
whin we begin disthributin' good jobs, twelve
hours a day, wan sivinty-five. Th' Cubians
our way. I sometimes think
I've got a touch iv Cubian blood in me own
ain't civilized in
veins."
ON THE DESTRUCTION OF
CERVERA'S FLEET.
[These comments were made by Mr. Dooley during a strike of the
which caused the English newspapers of Chicago tem-
stereotypers,
porarily to suspend publication.]
"I HEAR,"
said
stereopticons
sthruck."
"
I
" Th'
Mr. Hennessy, "that
on
th'
newspapers
sh'd think they wud," said
th'
have
Mr. Dooley.
time I was down town was iliction
whin
Charter Haitch's big la-ad was
night,
ilicted, an' they was wurrukin' th' stereopWhat's
ticons till they was black in th' face.
th'
las'
news?"
" Th' What
Cheer, loway, Lamp iv Freedom is on th' sthreets with a tillygram that
Shafter has captured Sandago de Cuba, an'
is now settin' on Gin'ral Pando's chest with
But this is denied be
his hands in his hair.
Palo Gazoot, the Macoupin County Raygisther, an' th' Meridyan Sthreet Afro-Amerth'
Daily Scoor Card,
th'
Deef Mute's Spokesman,
th'
ican.
I also see
Wine
List, th'
be
th'
ON CERVERA'S FLEET
Morgue
Life, the
Yards Sthraight
Bill iv
69
Stock
Fare, th'
Tips on
Steer, an* Jack's
Races, the on'y daily paper printed in
th'
Chicago, that Sampson's fleet
Canal bombarding Cades.
is
Suez
in th'
Th' North-
western Christyan Advycate says this is not
thrue, but that George Dixon was outpointed
be an English boxer in a twinty-r-round
go
in New York."
"Ye've got things mixed up,"
said
Mr.
"
I
'Twas
get th' news sthraight.
fleet
was
bottled
Th'
way.
Spanish
up
in Sandago Harbor, an' they dhrew th' cork.
That's a joke. I see it in th' pa-apers. Th'
gallant boys iv th' navy was settin' out on th'
Dooley.
this
deck, defindin' their counthry an' dhrawin'
three ca-ards apiece, whin th' Spanish admiral
con-eluded
'twud be better f 'r him to be
desthroyed on
sailor,
thin to
Annyhow, he was
cav'lry.
chance
ragin' sea, him bein' a
have his fleet captured be
th'
;
an'
he says to
yards,' he says,
his sailors
c
Castiles,'
et th' las' bed-tick,'
he says,
he says
take a
willin' to
c
;
an',
c
:
c
Span-
we have
if we stay
MR. DOOLEY
yo
here
much
have
a steak off th'
he
longer/
c
says.
he says,
armor
c
have to
I'll
plate fried f 'r ye/
Lave us go out where we can
An'
says.
have a r-run f 'r our money/ he
away they wint. I'll say this much f 'r him,
I
he's a brave man, a dam brave man.
don't like a Spanyard no more than ye do,
I niver see wan.
But, if this
Hinnissy.
was a Zulu, I'd say he
here man was a
was a brave man. If I was aboord wan
iv
thim yachts that was convarted, I'd go
to
this
here Cervera, an'
uel/ I'd say,
Manme boy. Ye
I'd say
c
c
:
ye're all right,
to
a doctor an' have ye'er eyes
ought
go
Go downre-set, but ye're a good fellow.
to
stairs/
I'd
c
say,
ship/ I'd say,
c
into
an'
th'
open
basemint iv the
th'
cupboard jus'
nex' to th' head iv th' bed, an' find th' bottle
marked " Floridy Wather," an' threat ye'erThat's what I'd say to Cervera.
silf kindly.'
He's all right.
"
Well, whin our boys see th' Spanish fleet
comin' out iv th' harbor, they gathered on
th'
deck
an'
sang
th'
naytional
anthem,
ON CERVERA'S FLEET
c
71
f
town towhere Ad-
They'll be a hot time in th' ol
A
lift-nant come up to
night/
miral Sampson was settin' playin' sivin
up
c
c
with Admiral Schley.
Bill/ he says, th'
<
What
fleet
is comin' out/ he says.
Spanish
c
Sind out
talk have ye ?
says Sampson.
'
some row-boats
Clubs
is
thrumps,' he says, and he wint on
Th' Spanish
playin'.
all
be
sides be
th'
Wan
an' a yacht, an' desthroy thim.
fleet
our br-rave
dispatch
was attackted on
la-ads,
boats
nobly assisted
the
iv
newspapers.
Three
by wan they was desthroyed.
attackted
battleships
th'
convarted
Th' Gloucester used
Gloucester.
owned be Pierpont Morgan
varted, an'
is
now
Gloucester sunk
Comma,
O'Quinn.
the
but 'twas con-
leadin' a dacint
thim
Viscera,
It thin
;
all,
an*
yacht
be
to
th'
th'
life.
Th'
Christobell
Admiral
wint up to two Spanish
torpedo boats an' giv thim wan punch, an'
away they wint. Be this time th' sojers had
heerd of the victhry, an' they gathered on th'
c
shore, singin' th' naytional anthem, They'll
be a hot time in th' ol' town to-night, me
MR. DOOLEY
72
Th' gloryous oP chune, to which
Washington an' Grant an* Lincoln marched,
was took up be th' sailors on th' ships, an*
Admiral Cervera r-run wan iv his boats
babby.'
ashore, an*
jumped
into
th'
sea.
At
last
accounts th' followin' dispatches had been
c
received: To Willum McKinley: Congratulations on ye'er noble victhry.
(Signed)
Willum McKinley.'
Ye done
splendid.
'
Alger.'
culture:
c
To
Russell A. Alger:
(Signed) Russell A.
To James
This
is
Wilson, Sicrety iv Agria gr-reat day f'r loway.
Ar-re ye much hur-rted?
"
Wilson.'
(Signed) James
"
" Where did
ye hear all this ? asked Mr.
Hennessy, in great amazement.
"
Mr. Dooley, impres" in the Staats
Zeitung."
sively,
I
r-read it," said
ON A LETTER TO MR. DEPEW.
"I USEN'T
" what
me
know," said Mr. Dooley,
Gin'ral Sherman meant whin
to
frind
I've been
he said that thing about war.
through two iv thim, not to speak iv con-
vintions an' primaries, an' divvle th' bit iv
har-rm come to me no more thin if I was
on a roof playin' an accorjeen. But
know now what th' ol' la-ad meant. He
meant war was hell whin 'twas over.
"I ain't heerd anny noise fr'm th' fellows
settin'
I
that
wint into
threnches
an'
Most
villyanious Spanyard.
weak to kick. But th'
pathrites
didn't go
who
to
proud
restrained
th'
iv
fr-ront,
plugged th'
thim is too
an'
fearless
thimsilves,
th'
la-ads
an'
that
sthruggled hard with their warlike tindincies,
an' fin'lly downed thim an' stayed at home
an' practised up upon th' typewriter, they're
ragin' an' tearin' an' desthroyin' their foes.
"Did ye
to
see
what
Chansy Depoo
been misthreated.
?
me
frind
Alger wrote
Well, sir, Alger has
There's a good man.
I
MR. DOOLEY
74
An* he is, too. At
say he's a good man.
thrick
fr'm
anny
shingles to two-be-fours
he's as
good
prechated Alger.
No
wan even
that
No wan
thried to.
undherstud him.
Day
th' private letters iv
published
an*
But no wan ap-
as th' best.
throw
didn't
anny
be day he
other people,
light
on
his
Day be day he had his pitchers
took, an' still th' people didn't get onto th'
cur-rves iv him.
Day be day he chatted
charackter.
iv war, an'
iv th' turrors
still
people on'y
c
An' Alger also r-ran.' But th' time
come whin Alger cud contain himsilf no
said:
longer, an' he set
down
an' wrote to
Chansy
Depoo.
" c Mr.
Chansy Depot, care iv Grand CinDepew, New York, N.Y., Esquire.
I've been expectin' a letter
Dear Chanse
tral
:
fr'm ye f 'r three or four days.
same
Oh, Chanse, ye don't know
in me mind I
bunch iv lathes. Oh, dear, to
will say
how
I
feel
like
suffer.
a
In reply to
:
I'm that low
think iv what I've gone through.
into
th'
war onprepared.
I
I
wint
had on'y so
ON A LETTER TO MR. DEPEW
75
1
r-rounds iv catridges an a cross-cut
I failed to provide mesilf with th'
an'
saw,
But, in spite iv
ord'nary necessities iv life.
many
me
deficiencies, I
sthrain
wint bravely ahead.
Th'
on me.
Me
was something
mind give out
tur-r'ble
I
cud not think
repeatedly.
I
niver faltered.
In two
months I had enough supplies piled up in
Maine to feed ivry sojer in Cubia. They
at
times,
but
were thousands iv r-rounds iv catridges f 'r
ivry rig'mint, and all th' rig'mints had to do
Th' navy had taken
Manila an' Cervera's fleet, an' th' ar-rmy had
Th'
taken Sandago an' th' yellow fever.
war is over, an' peace wanst more wags her
was to write f 'r thim.
wings over
is
counthry.
quoted sthrong.
con-tint.
all
th'
Me
first-class
They
tell
Ivrywhere
photographs are
newsdealers.
ca'm f 'r me.
me
Pine scantlings
is
peace an'
on
sale
Yet there
is
at
no
Onthinkin' wans insult me.
a sojer can't ate
gin'ral
or-
They want me to raysign an' go
back to me humble home in Mitchigan.
Disgustin' men that've done nawthin' but
get thimsilves shot, ask f 'r milk an' quinine.
dhers.
MR. DOOLEY
76
They'll be askin' me to carry food to thim
nex'.
Oh, Chanse, oh, hivens, ye can't
know how
grieved
I
am
wud
Rather
!
I
have perished in a log jam thin toVe indured
this ingratichood.
But, in lookin' back over
me
past life, I can think iv no wrong I've
If me mim'ry is at fault, please note.
done.
I've held nawcareer is an open book.
Me
thin'
back fr'm
'twas
mar-rked
pote
that
Chanse
th'
private.
done
I
public, not even
me
sicrety
of war,
rety iv
A war. Do
if
ye
will
But,
jooty.
;
th'
oh,
Be
job.
but niver be sic-
don't iver aspire to
!
whin
can say with
I
my
not offer this
letter to
newspapers. Make thim take it. How's
I
hope to see
things goin' with ye, ol' pal ?
th'
ye
Till thin,
at th' seaside.
at heart,
but
"Well,"
laid his
with th'
tell.
Russ.'
atin' reg'lar.
said
"
Mr. Hennessy, "th' poor
man must've had
"He
I'm yours, sick
a har-rd time iv it."
did," said
Mr. Dooley.
"Niver
head to a pillow before eight, up
moon he's suffered as no man can
But
at r-rest."
:
he'll
be
all
r-right
whin
his
mind's
ON THE PRESIDENT'S
"'TWAS
CAT.
way about Dr. HuckenMack has a cat that was give him
this
looper.
f 'r a Chris'mas prisint be me frind Pierpont
Morgan, an' th' cat was a gr-reat favor-ite in
th'
White House.
'Twas
as quite as th'
Sicrety iv Agriculture an' as affectionate as
th' Sicrety iv th' Three-asury.
Th' cat was
Goold Bonds, because
called
iv th' inthrest
He
he dhrew.
very often played with th'
Sicrety iv th' Navy, an' ivry wan that come
to th' White House f'r a
job loved him.
" But wan
day Goold Bonds begun to look
bad.
He cudden't ate th' r-rich crame out
iv th' di'mon'-studded saucer.
th'
He
stopped
at th' c'nary in th'
cage. Whin
Sicrety iv th' Navy wint down f'r to
castin'
an eye
play
with
good
an' gr-reat
him,
Goold Bonds
man.
Mack
spit at that
was
shavin'
himsilf befure th' lookin'-glass, an' had jus'
got his face pulled r-round to wan side f'r a
good gash, whin he heerd a scream iv ag'ny
behind him, an' tur-rned to see Goold Bonds
MR. DOOLEY
78
up with
leap
grabbed
paws on
Mack
th' ceilin'.
at
his
his
stomach
an' hit
give a cry iv turror, an*
Away wint Goold
Goold Bonds.
Th' Sicrety iv
Bonds through th' house.
seen him comin', an' called,
Pussy,
pussy.' Goold Bonds wint through his legs,
an' galloped f 'r where th' Postmaster-gin'ral
was settin' editin' his pa-aper. Th' Postfar as
we
master-gin'ral had jus' got as
an'
bate
he
Goold
he
see
Bonds,
opine,' whin
War
c
c
windy be a whisker.
Bonds ended up
Goold
Well,
th' cat to th'
"
cellar, an'
in th' coal
they was a cab'net council f 'r to
c
Sind f 'r Doctor
to be done.
see what was
Heinegagubler,'
says
th'
iv
Sicrety
War.
He's wan iv th' gr-reatest surgeons iv our
c
time,' he says, an' can cure anny thing fr'm
Th' famous
he says.
pips to glanders,'
f
Doctor Honey cooler was summoned.
Sir,'
c
th'
iv
th'
Goold
Bonds,
pride
says Mack,
administhration, has had a fit,' he says.
(
'
'Twud
br-reak our hear-rts to lose our
c
he says,
c
little
an'
take
such measures as ye'er noble healin'
ar-rt
pet/
he says.
Go,'
ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT
sug-gists,'
he says
c
an'
79
prayers iv
foster-parent go with ye/ he
an agonized
;
th'
may
An' Doctor Higgenlocker wint down
an' whin he come back,
into th' coal-shed
it was with Goold Bonds in his ar-rms, weak
an' pale, but with a wan smile on his lips.
" Afther embracin' Goold Bonds an'
tuckin' him away in bed, Mack tur-rns to
c
th' Dock.
Dock,' he says, ye have persays.
;
c
formed a noble
ye
a
he
major-gin'ral,'
already,' says th'
Mack,
'tis
a
shame
he
counthry
calls,'
says.
c
I
appint
I'm
that
I've r-rich rela'
But,' says
to think iv ye'er noble
sarvices bein' wasted,'
he
'
says.
c
Dock.
tives in Philadelphia,'
c
he
sarvice,'
says.
c
says.
I
c
whin ye'er
appint ye,' he
he says,
c
c
Pro-ceed,'
surgeon-gin'ral,' he says.
he says, c to Cubia, an' stamp out th' dhread
says,
ravages,'
he says,
c
iv r-ringbone an' stag-
he says.
gers,'
" That's how
Dock got th' job. He was
man down there, an' now he's wan
vethranaryans iv th' war. Ye heerd
a gr-reat
iv th'
iv
typhoid an' yellow fever in
th'
threnches
;
MR. DOOLEY
8o
but did ye hear annything iv spavin or th'
foot-an'-mouth disease ? Not wanst.
Dock
was on jooty late an' early.
vigilant, he stood beside th'
their
Sleepless an*
suffrin'
mules,
but
an'
pain,
slowly
surely
dhraggin' thim out iv th' clutches iv pinkallayin'
eye an' epizootic.
He
had a cheery wurrud,
a pleasant smile, an' a bottle iv liniment f 'r
wan an* all.
cured Teddy Rosenfelt's
He
hor-rse iv intherference an'
made
lotion
Gin'ral
iv
axle-grease
Ye might
f'r
a soothin'
Shafter's
him anny time
wandhrin' through th' camp with a hatful
of oats or a wisp of hay. They called him
th' Stall
Angel, and countless thousands iv
sick hor-rses blessed him.
He's a gr-reat
man is th' Dock. But, if it hadn't been f'r
Goold Bonds, th' counthry wud niver have
had his sarvices.
Who knows but that
Mack's cat was th' rale victhor at Sanbuckboard.
see
dago?"
"Didn't he cure anny men?" asked Mr.
Hennessy.
"Sure," said Mr. Dooley. "He cured
Teddy
Rosenfelt iv boltin'."
ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT
McKINLEY.
"I HEAR-R
Mack's
that
in
town," said
Mr. Dooley.
"Didn't ye
see
him?" asked Mr. Hen-
nessy.
"Faith,
"If
'tis
I
not!"
did
meetin'
me
Mr. Dooley.
said
he's afther, all
he has to
numis to
get on
ber nine-double-naught-nine Archey R-road,
do
a ca-ar an' r-ride out to
an* stop
whin he sees
sign iv th' Tip-
th'
I'm
p'rary Boodweiser Brewin' Company.
here fr'm eight in the mornin' till midnight,
an' th' r-rest iv th' time
in th' ar-rms iv
Th' Presidint
is
I'm
in the
Or-rphyus,
as
as
welcome
back room
Hogan
says.
as
anny rayI will
spictable marrid man.
give him a chat
an' a dhrink Pr fifteen cints ; an', as we're
not, as a frind iv
mine
pothry business says,
in
intirely a
an* industhreel nation, if
iv th'
th'
he has
Threasury with him,
f 'r twinty-five cints, which
I'll
is
grocery an'
commercial
th' Sicrety
give thim two
standard iv
th'
MR. DOOLEY
82
value
among
over.
civilized
Prisidint
iv th'
wurruld
nations
th'
United
States, says
Fm
prisidint iv this liquor store,
fr'm th' pitcher iv th' Chicago fire above th'
wash-stand in th' back room to th' dure-step.
ye?
Well,
Beyond
bate.
on
th'
Amurrican's home, as wan iv
th'
that belongs to th' polisman
An
potes says, is his castle till th' morgedge
falls due.
An' divvle a fut will I put out iv
dure to see e'er a prisidint, prince, or
potentate, fr'm th' czar iv Rooshia to th'
this
king iv Chiny.
th'
There's Prisidint
Audjiotoroom,
Mack
an' here's Prisidint
at
Dooley
at nine-double-naught-nine, an' th' len'th iv
Says he, Come
c
over to th' hotel an' see me.'
If
Says I,
a
in
thrun
fr'm
ca-ar
find
me
ye
ye'ersilf
th' sthreet
'
between thim.
neighborhood, dhrop
An'
in.'
there
ye
to
me
ar-re.
"I
may
niver see him.
I
may go
grave without gettin' an' eye on th' wan
man besides mesilf that don't know what th'
United States is goin' to
he, poor man, whin some wan asts
furrin' policy iv th'
be.
An
A SPEECH BY THE PRESIDENT
83
'
c
Did ye iver meet Dooley '11 have to
No, I had th' chanst wanst, but me
say,
accursed pride kept me from visitin' him/
him,
:
c
"
I
r-read his speeches, though, an* know
Some iv thim ar-re gr-reat.
doin'.
what he's
He
attinded th' banket given be th' Prospurity Brigade at th' hotel where he's stop'Twas a magnificent assimblage iv th'
pin*.
laborin' classes, costin' fifteen dollars a plate,
an' on'y disturbed whin a well-to-do gintleman in th' dhry-goods business had to be
thrun out
f'r takin' a
kick at a waiter.
r-read be th' papers that
in
he was rayceived be
Mack come
whin
th'
I
gatherin' with
Th' proceeding was
approval.
a
that
Providence might
opened with prayer
r-remain undher th' protection iv th' adminshouts
iv
isthration.
Th'
Sicrety iv th'
Treasury
fol-
lowed with a gran' speech, highly commindin'
th'
action iv
durin' th' late
th'
war
(
;
threasury department
(
he, I can-
but,' says
he says, c so far forget mesilf,' he says,
*
c
as not to mintion,' he says, that,' he says,
not,'
*if
it
hadn't been f'r the sublime pathreetism
MR. DOOLEY
84
an* courage/ he says,
c
we
<
honor,' he says,
c
foorce/ he says,
night/ he
"Th'
lowed be
he,
whom
me on th
gintleman
1
in puttin'
might not be here
to-
says.
Sicrety iv th' Threasury was folc
th' Gin'ral Shafter.
Gintlemen/
c
says
I
iv th'
it
gives
me/ he
c
says,
gr-reat
pleasure,' he says, to be prisint in th' mist
iv so manny an' so various vittles,' he says.
c
c
Iv coorse/ he says, c I
gr-reat worth/ he says ;
wud
c
c
re-elize
me own
c
but/ he says, I
have to be more thin human/ he says,
c
to overlook th' debt iv gratichood/ he says,
c
to th' man
th' counthry owes/ he says,
whose
foresight,
brought
time/ he
me
wisdom,
an'
prudence
for-ard at such an opparchune
(
Gintlemen/ he says, onless
ye have lived in th' buckboard f'r
months on th' parched deserts iv Cubia/
he says, c ye little know what a pleasure it
c
to th'
is/ he says, to dhrink/ he says,
author iv our bein' here/ he says. An'
c
says.
c
Gin-ral
bell-boy.
Miles wint out an' punched
Mack
r-rose
up
th'
in a perfect hur-
A SPEECH BY THE PRESIDENT
cane iv applause, an' says he,
he says, c an' fellow-heroes/
85
c
Gintlemen/
he says, c ye
c
I alone
do me too much honor/ he says.
shud not have th' credit iv this gloryous
ar-re
They
victhry.
'
Shafter.'
others/
Another voice
other voice
c
:
Dooley.']
1
Gage.
:
c
voice:
[A
c
But
I
An-
pass to a
line iv thought/ he says.
have just emerged fr'm a tumble war/
he says. c Again/ he says, c we ar-re a united
more conganial
c
We
c
No north/ he says, c no
union/ he says.
c
No north
south, no east/ he says, no west.
c
Th' inimies iv
east a point east/ he says.
c
our counthry has been cr-rushed/ he says, or
is stuck down in Floridy with his rig'mint
c
his hellish docthrines to
talkin'/ he says,
th'
allygatars/
he
c
says.
Th'
nation
is
wanst more
at peace undher th' gran' goold
c
c
he
Now/ he says, th'
standard/
says.
question is what shall we do with th' fruits
iv victhry?' he says.
[A voice, Can thim.']
c
Our duty to civilization commands us to be
c
up
an' doin'/
he says,
c
to
he
c
says.
We
ar-re
bound/
to re-elize our destiny, what-
MR. DOOLEY
86
iver
it
may be/ he
We
c
says.
c
back/ he says, th' hands iv
even as I speak/ he says,
through
c
hear-rts
th'
dashin'
its
c
clock that,
is
th'
r-rushin'
he
men/
iv
spray against
can not tur-rn
th'
says,
star iv liberty
an' hope, an* no north, no south, no east,
no west, but a steady purpose to do th' best
we
can, considerin'
the case/ he says.
all
c
th'
I
circumstances iv
hope
I
have made
matther clear to ye/ he says, c an', with
c
I will tur-rn
these few remarks/ he says,
c
th' job over to destiny/ he says, which is
th'
sure to lead us iver on an' on, an' back an'
forth, a united an' happy people, livin'/ he
c
says,
undher an administhration
to our
worthy Prisidint
"What
th'
thanks
an' his cap-ble an'
second to none/ he says."
do you think ought to be done
earnest advisers,
with
that,
is
fruits iv victhry
"
?
Mr. Hennessy
asked.
"
cc
if 'twas up
Well," said Mr. Dooley,
to me, I'd eat what was r-ripe an' give what
me inimy.
what Mack means."
wasn't r-ripe
that's
to
An'
I
guess
ON THE HERO
much
IN POLITICS.
is worth
"
to have a
these days," said Mr. Dooley,
Look here," he continued, diving
vote.
"'Tis
as
as a
man's
life
under the bar and producing a roll of paper.
" Here's th'
pitchers iv candy dates I pulled
down fr'm th' windy, an' jus' knowin' they're
here makes
iv th' cash
me
that nervous f 'r th' contints
dhrawer I'm afraid to tur-rn
me
back f 'r a minyit. I'm goin' to throw thim
out in th' back yard.
" All
heroes, too, Hinnissy.
They'se
Mike O'Toole, th' hero iv Sandago, that
near lost his
arm'ry, an'
at
had to be
wud've
home without
lavin'
Teddy Mangan,
There's
Hero O'Brien,
that
he hadn't been too old, an'
contractin' business in such good shape.
There's
life
to th'
at Flaher-ty's, that loaded th'
that loaded th' guns that kilt th' mules
Matoonzas.
th'
sint
way
his
man
night
men
be dhrink on
There's Turror
th' city.
th'
life
at
inlisted if
Bill
a
Cory, that come near
cinematograph
iv
th'
losin' his
battle
iv
MR. DOOLEY
88
Manila.
They're
all
here,
bedad, r-ready
to sarve their country to th' bitter end, an*
to r-rush, voucher in hand, to th' city
threasurer's office at a minyit's notice.
"
wint to a hero meetin'
th' other
night,
an'
that's
f
'r
me.
Whin
Hinnissy,
sthrange
a man gets to be
age, he laves th'
I
my
shoutin' f 'r th' youth iv th' land, onless he
I niver had a
has a pol-itical job.
job but
That was whin I was precin't cap'n;
good wan I was, too. None betther.
I'd been on th' cinthral co-mity to-day, but
f'r me losin' ambition whin they r-run a
man be th' name iv Eckstein f'r aldherman.
wanst.
an* a
I
was
be
Hinnissy, whin a man gets to
age, he ducks pol-itical meetin's, an'
sayin',
my
r-reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an'
th' argy mints,
pro-argy mints an' con-argy-
mints,
an'
makes up
his
mind
ca'mly, an'
But young
votes th' Dimmycratic ticket.
to
th' hero's
him
he
me
with
med
Dorsey
go
meetin' in Finucane's hall.
"
rest
Well,
on
sir,
th'
there was
O'Toole
an' all th'
platform in unyform, with flags
ON THE HERO
IN POLITICS
89
c
over thim, an' the bands playin' They'll be
'
a hot time in th' ol' town to-night again ;
Plunkett
juries.
battle
Ye know
chairman was Plunkett.
an' th'
:
a
good man
if
they was no gr-rand
He
was makin' a speech. c Whin th'
c
r-raged,' he says, an' th' bullets fr'm
haughty Spanyards' raypeatin' Mouser
f
where was Cassidy ? he
r-rifles,' he says,
th'
'
c
In his saloon,' says
(
Thrue f'r
Av'noo,' says I.
c
An' where,' he says,
kett.
I,
says.
c
he
dydate?'
saloon,' says
says.
c
I.
In
'in I'mrald
ye,' says
c
Plun-
was our can-
somebody
No,' says he.
c
else's
Whin
th'
c
called th' nation to
Prisidint,' he
says,
c
an' Congress voted fifty
ar-rms,' he says,
million good bucks f'r th' naytional definse,'
c
he says,
c
says he,
he says,
officer.
is
Thomas
Francis Dorgan,'
that minyit iv naytional pearl,'
left his
good job in the pipe-yard,'
in
c
an' wint
office, an' says,
unteers
c
he says,
"
down
How
to th' raycruitin'
manny
calls
f'r vol-
out?" he says. "Wan," says th'
" Put me
down," says Dorgan,
"f'r th' tenth call," he says.
This, gintle-
MR. DOOLEY
9o
men iv
Thomas
th'
foorth
D
Francis
precin't/
organ, a
he says,
man who,
:
is
if
he says, c victhry'll perch/ he says,
c
an'/ he says,
upon our banners/ he says
th' naytional honor will be maintained/ he
ilicted/
c
;
<
c
says,
"
I
county boord/ he says.
wint out to take th' air, an' I met
frind
in th'
th'
Clohessy,
sted Sthreet.
Him
beer
at
c
I,
c
together
What
little
fr'm
tailor
me had a shell iv
German's
an' says
an'
th'
;
'
d'ye think iv th' heroes
Well/ says
c
he,
I
me
Hal-
I
says.
make no doubt
'twas
?
D organ/
he says, c f 'r to put his
name in f 'r th' tenth call/ he says c but/ he
<
says, I don't like Plunkett, an' it seems to
me a man'd have to be a hell iv a sthrong
brave iv
;
man, even if he was a hero, to be Plunkett's
man, an' keep his hands out iv ye'er pockc
I'm with Clancy's candy date,'
ets/ he says.
he
c
says.
He
war,' he says,
on
th'
polis
c
niver offered to enlist for th'
but 'twas Clancy put Terence
foorce an' got th'
Aggie/ he says.
"That's the way
I feel," said
school f'r
Mr. Hen-
ON THE HERO
IN POLITICS
91
"
I wudden't thrust Plunkett as far
cud throw a cow be th' tail. If Dorgan
was Clancy's war hero, I'd be with him."
"
"
Annyhow," said Mr. Dooley, mighty
few iv th' rale heroes iv th' war is r-runnin'
nessy.
as I
Most
thim put on their blue
overalls whin they was mustered out an' wint
an' someup an' ast f'r their ol' jobs back
f 'r office.
iv
Ye can see as manny as
times got thim.
thim at the rollin'-mills definciin' th'
tin iv
nation's
shovel."
honor with wheelbahr's
an' a slag
MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE
ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS.
MR. HENNESSY looked
down
dripping
"A-ha,
'tis
a
in
out at the rain
Archey Road, and sighed,
bad
spell
iv
weather we're
havin'."
"
Faith,
w? mind
Mr. Dooley, " or else
more thin we did. I can't re-
it is,"
it
said
Whin
number wan day fr'm another.
I
was
yoing, I niver thought iv rain or snow, cold
or heat.
But now th' heat stings an' th'
coll
wrenches
th' ain
me
bones
with less on
me
;
an', if I
go out
in
thin a ton iv rubber,
I'llpay dear f'r it in achin' j'ints, so I will.
That's what old age means ; an' now another
year has been put on to what we had before,
c
an' \e're expected to be gay.
Ring out th'
old, says a guy at th' Brothers' School.
3
f
c
Rir* out th' old, ring in th' new,' he says.
Rirr out th' false, ring in th' thrue,' says
a pretty sintimint, Hinnissy ; but
howir-re we goin' to do it?
Nawthin'd
he.
It's
pleas me betther thin to turn me back
th' vscked an' ingloryous past, rayform
on
me
MR. DOOLEY
96
life,
an* live at peace with th' wurruld to th'
iv me days.
But how th' diwle can I
end
do it ?
change
As
th' fellow says,
his spots/ or can't
c
he
Can
th'
leopard
?
You know Dorsey, iv coorse, th' crosseyed May-o man that come to this counthry
f<
about wan day in advance iv a warrant f 'r
Ye know what he done to
sheep-stealin' ?
people I was caught in me cellar
wather
into a bar'l?
Well, last
poorin'
me,
tellin'
night says I to mesilf, thinkin' iv Dorsey, I
c
I swear that henceforth I'll
says :
keep me
temper with
me
fellow-men.
I'll
not
let
anger or jealousy get th* betther iv me,' I
c
I'll lave off all me old feuds ; an' if
says.
me
inimy goin' down th' sthreet, I'll
go up an' shake him be th' hand, if I'm sure
he hasn't a brick in th' other hand.' Oh, I
I
meet
was mighty compliminthry to mesilf. I set
be th' stove dhrinkin' hot wans, an' ivry
wan
I
'Tis th'
dhrunk made me more
way with th'
stuff.
iv a pote.
in
Whin I'm
dhrink, I have manny a fine thought ; an', if
I wasn't too comfortable to
go an' look f 'r
NEW
YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
th' ink-bottle, I
cud write pomes
Mike
c
carry into th'
old
?
'
says.
blue sky,'
I
'Why,'
says
hathreds iv th'
Let
th' dead past bury its
Tur-rn ye'er lamps up to
says.
(It was rainin' like th'
hour was midnight
diwle, an' th'
no heed to
th'
c
I.
dead,' says
th'
new year
c
I
make
that'd
Scanlan think they
Shakespeare an*
were wur-rkin' on a dredge.
I,
97
that, bein*
but
I
give
comfortable with th'
;
An' I wint to th' dure, an', whin
Mike Duffy come by on number wan hun-
hot wans.)
dherd an'
five, ringin' th'
him
hollered to
c
c
:
gong
Ring out
Go
th' old, ring in
back into ye'er
c
an' wring ye'ersilf out,' he
wet through,' he says.
th' new.'
Whin
cc
I
woke up
had
all
las'
hot wan
with
me
till
mesilf,
stall,'
he says,
c
says.
Ye'er
mornin', th' pothry
begun to think th'
took had somethin' wrong
Besides, th' lumbago was grippin'
it.
other.
this
disappeared, an' I
iv th' ca-ar, I
I
cud hardly put wan foot before th'
But I remimbered me promises to
an' I wint out on th' sthreet, intindin'
I
to wish ivry
wan
a
c
Happy New
Year,' an'
MR. DOOLEY
98
me
hopin' in
wished
cud
I
it
to'd
hit
tell
him
me
in
half a block before
sthreet.
it
in
I
me
that
hear-rt
to
go
th'
I
to th' diwle, so
th' eye.
I
hadn't gone
spied Dorsey acrost th'
picked up a half a brick an' put
I
pocket, an' Dorsey done th' same.
c
to each other.
Happy
A
Thin we wint up
New
wan
first
Year/ says
c
an'
c
I.
Th' same
thim/ he
iv
says he,
manny
have a brick in ye'er
to
you/
c
says.
Ye
c
I was
hand/ says I.
thinkin' iv givin' ye a
Year's gift/ says
c
Th' same to you, an' manny iv thim/
he.
New
says I, fondlin'
me own
ammunition.
(
'Tis
c
even
all around/
It is/ says I.
says he.
was thinkin' las' night I'd give up me
c
I had th' same
gredge again ye/ says he.
c
I
c
But, since I seen
thought mesilf/ says I.
c
ye'er face/ he says, I've con-eluded that I'd
be more comfortable hatin' ye thin havin' ye
c
f 'r a frind/ says he.
Ye're a man iv taste/
says I.
other.
An' we backed away fr'm each
He's a Tip, an' can throw a stone
an', Hinnissy, I'm some;
an amachoor shot with a half-brick
like a rifleman
thin' iv
mesilf.
NEW
YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
"Well,
I've argied
livin' if
I've
it
been thinkin'
out that
life'd
99
over, an'
it
not be worth
we
I can
didn't keep our inimies.
th' frinds I need.
Anny man can
have
all
that
keeps a liquor sthore.
sthrong inimy, specially a
But
May-o
a
rale
inimy,
wan
that hates ye ha-ard, an' that ye'd take
th' coat off yer back to do a bad tur-rn to,
is
me
ol'
can't
go
a luxury that I can't go without in
days.
by
his
Dorsey is th' right
house without bein'
sort.
chimbly down on me head
passes my place, he walks in
th'
th'
sthreet,
an' crosses
I
in fear he'll spill
;
an',
th'
himsilf.
whin he
middle iv
I'll
swear
on annything but Dorsey. He's a good
man, an' I despise him. Here's long life to
off
him."
ON GOLD-SEEKING.
"
WELL,
said
sir,"
Mr. Hennessy, "
that
Alaska's th' gr-reat place.
I
thought 'twas
nawthin' but an iceberg with a few seals
roostin'
on
it,
an*
wan or two hundherd Ohio
politicians that can't be killed on account iv
th' threaty iv Pawrs.
But here
tell
me
they
smothered in goold. A man stubs
on th' ground, an lifts th' top off iv a
goold mine. Ye go to bed at night, an' wake
'tis
fairly
his toe
up with goold fillin' in ye'er teeth."
"Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "Clancy's son
was
in here this mornin', an'
iv his wint
night, an'
to
sleep out in
he says a frind
th'
open wan
whin he got up
four ounces iv goold
his pants assayed
to th' pound, an' his
whiskers panned out as
much
as thirty dol-
lars net."
" If
was a young man an' not tied down
" I'd
here," said Mr. Hennessy,
go there I
I
:
wud
"
I
so."
I
wud
not," said
was a young man
Mr. Dooley.
"
Whin
in th' ol' counthry,
we
ON GOLD-SEEKING
heerd
We
th'
same
used to
set
story
be
about
all
101
America.
th' tur-rf fire o'
nights,,
kickin' our bare legs on th' flure an' wishin'
we was in
York, where all ye had to do
New
was to hold ye'er hat an* th' goold guineas'd
dhrop into it. An' whin I got to be a man,
I
come over here with
a
ham and
a bag iv
oatmeal, as sure that I'd return in a year with
money enough to dhrive me own ca-ar as I
was that
me name
An'
was Martin Dooley.
that was a cinch.
"
But,
seen
faith,
that
whin I'd been here a week, I
was nawthin' but mud
there
undher th' pavement,
means iv a pick-axe at tin
I
larned
that
be
shillin's th'
day,
iv
there
was
goold,
though
plenty
thim that had it were froze to it ; an' I come
an' that,
still lookin' f 'r mines.
Th' on'y mine
sthruck at Pittsburgh was a hole f 'r sewer
I made it.
Siven shillin's th' day.
pipe.
west,
I
Smaller thin
New
York, but
th' livin'
was
cheaper, with Mon'gahela rye at five a throw,
put ye'er hand around th' glass.
" I was still
dreamin' goold, an*
I
wint
MR. DOOLEY
102
down
to Saint
Looey.
to a fortune there was
whack
Chicago,
I
come
findin' a quarther on
leaned over th' dashboord iv
th' sthreet as I
a car to
Th' nearest
th' off
mule.
Whin
got to
I
looked around f 'r the goold mine.
I
But they wasn't
anny mines I cud see. They was mud to
be shovelled an' dhrays to be dhruv an' beats
They was
Injuns here thin.
to be walked.
choose
I
th'
dhray
;
f 'r
I
niver cut out f 'r a copper, an' I'd had
iv excavatin'.
fill
I
till
"
An'
I
dhruv
th'
was
me
dhray
wint into business.
Me
experyence with goold minin' is it's
If I was to go
to Alaska, they'd tell me iv th' finds in SeeSo I think I'll stay here. I'm a
berya.
always in th' nex' county.
silver
man, annyhow
;
an'
I'm contint
if I
can
see goold wanst a year, whin some prominent citizen smiles over his newspaper. I'm
thinkin'
own
man
has a goold mine
dure-step or in his neighbor's
that ivry
undher
his
pocket
at th' farthest."
"Well, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy,
" I'd like to kick
up th' sod, an' find a ton
iv goold undher me fut."
ON GOLD-SEEKING
What wud
%c
ye do
if
ye found
103
"
it ?
de-
manded Mr. Dooley.
I
"I
dinnaw,"
said Mr. Hennessy,
whose dreaming had not gone this far.
Then, recovering himself, he exclaimed with
" I'd throw
up me job an*
great enthusiasm,
an' live like a prince."
"I
ye what ye'd do," said Mr. Dooley.
"Ye'd come back here an' sthrut up an'
tell
down
armpits
in
with ye'er thumbs in ye'er
an' ye'd dhrink too much, an' ride
th' sthreet
;
sthreet
beds
an'
office.
piannies,
Ye'd
Thin ye'd buy
an*
start
a
reel
foldin'
estate
be fooled a good deal an'
ye'er money, an' thin ye'd
Ye'd
be in a cold fear night
tighten up.
an' day that ye'd lose ye'er fortune.
Ye'd
wake up in th' middle iv th' night, dhreamin'
that ye was back at th' gas-house with ye'er
money gone. Ye'd be prisidint iv a charitable society. Ye'd have to wear ye'er shoes
in th' house, an' ye'er wife'd have ye around
to rayciptions an dances.'
Ye'd move to
an'
hire
a coachman
ye'd
Mitchigan Avnoo,
lose
a
ca-ars.
lot
iv
MR. DOOLEY
104
that'd laugh at ye.
Ye'er boys'd be joods
an* ashamed iv ye, an* ye'd support ye'er
Ye'd rackrint ye'er
daughters* husbands.
tinants an' lie about ye'er taxes.
Ye'd go
back to Ireland on a
with ye'er cousin Mike.
close-fisted,
put on airs
Ye'd be a mane,
visit, an'
ol'
curmudgeon;
whin ye'd die, it'd take half ye'er fortune
f'r rayqueems to put ye r-right.
I don't
want ye iver to speak to me whin ye get
onscrupulous
an',
rich,
"
I
Hinnissy."
won't," said Mr. Hennessy.
ON
u IVRY time
how
to see
D,"
th' scrap
is
handsome
Ann
pick
up me mornin' paper
come out at Batthry
Mr. Dooley,", "
said
r-run acrost
an'
I
BOOKS.
thing I
first
C
somethin' like this:
f'r
gift
Patzooni's
or
Thought"';
th'
Christmas
iv
"Jims
c
If ye
wud
A
hot
Lucy
Englewood
is
th'
delight
hear-rt iv yer child, ye'll give him Dr. Hariv th' Jewish
per's monymental histhry
'
c
thribes fr'm Moses to Dhryfuss or Ivryis
r-readin*
Roodyard
"
Busy
Th'
idee
iv
Busy People."'
f'r Christmas prisints whin
books
givin'
th' stores are full iv tin hor-rns an' dhrums
body
Pomes
an'
Kiplin's
f'r
boxin'
an
gloves
choo-choo
People must be crazy."
"They
house
is
around
found
ar-re," said
Mr. Hennessy.
ca-ars
"
!
My
so full iv books ye cudden't tur-rn
I
without stumblin' over thim.
th'
life
iv
an ex-convict, the
Pris-
me high hat th' other
Mary Ann was hidin' it fr'm her
oner iv Zinders,' in
day, where
c
MR. DOOLEY
106
Instead iv
chidher fightin' an*
skylarkin' in th' evening they're settin'
around th' table with their noses glued into
sister.
books.
Th'
th'
woman
ol'
doesn't
read, but
she picks up what's goin' on.
'Tis c Honoria, did Lor-rd What's-his-name marry th'
'
Aminta ? or c But that Lady Jane was
An' so it goes. There's no injycase.'
fair
a
mint
me
in th' house, an' they're usin'
vats f 'r
cra-
bookmarks."
" 'Tis
wrong," said Mr. Dooley.
"They're on'y three books in th' wurruld
worth readin',
Shakespeare, th' Bible, an'
all
Mike Ahearn's
histhry iv Chicago.
I
have
Shakespeare on thrust, Father Kelly r-reads
buy Mike
Ahearn's histhry because I seen more thin
he cud put into it.
Books is th' roon iv
th'
Bible
people,
f 'r
me,
specially
an'
I
novels.
didn't
Whin
I
was a
young man,
parish priest used to preach
but nobody knowed what he
again thim
th'
;
meant.
At
on'y library in
give
him
Willum Joyce had th'
th' Sixth Wa-ard.
Th' mayor
bound volumes iv th' council
that time
th'
ON BOOKS
107
proceedings, an* they was a very handsome
Th' on'y books I seen was th' kind
set.
that has th'
an* a set iv
pope on
iv th'
life
dominos on
readin'.
good
man whin
th' outside
th' inside.
They're
Nawthin' cud be better f 'r a
he's tired out afther a day's wurruk
thin to go to his library an' take down wan
gr-reat wurruks iv lithratchoor an'
play a game iv dominos f 'r th' dhrinks out
iv it.
Anny other kind iv r-readin', barrin*
iv
th'
newspapers, which will niver hurt anny
onedycated man, is desthructive iv morals.
th'
"
I
had
it
day
in this
up
fr'm
out with Father Kelly th' other
He was comin'
very matther.
down town with an
books f 'r prizes
Key
c
he,
at th' school.
Heaven
there
'
c
ar-rmful
iv
Have ye
th'
c
No/ says
says I.
th' childher that'll
these
books
don't
get
to
?
need no key. They go in under
c
Have ye
stile,' he says, laughin'.
Saints, or
iv
th'
th'
Story iv Saint
c
I
have
story
the
books.
I'd
turn-
th'
Lives
Christyan Booty, or
Rose
not,' says he.
th'
c
iv
I
rather
'
Lima ? I says.
have some good
th'
kids'd r-read
MR. DOOLEY
io8
Char-les Dickens than anny iv th' tales iv
thim holy men that was burned in ile or et
up be
lines/
c
he says.
It
does no good in
these degin'rate days to prove that th' best
that can come to a man f'r behavin' himsilf
is
cooked
to be
line/
he
c
says.
pot or di-gisted be a
Ye're wrong/ says I. c Begin a
gin' ye'er riv'rince's pardon, ye're wrong/ I
c
What ar-re ye goin' to do with thim
says.
young wans?
Ye're
make thim
goin' to
an' round-shouldered/ I says.
Ye're goin' to have thim believe that, if they
behave thimsilves an' lead a virchous life,
near-sighted
c
they'll
marry
an'
rich
go
They'll wake up some day,
gettin'
money an
men
rich/ I says.
c
Congress.
an' find out that
behavin' ye'ersilf don't alI
ways go together/
wickedest
to
in th'
c
says.
Some
iv
th'
wur-ruld have marrid
Ye're goin' to teach thim that
man
doesn't have to use an ax to get along
in th' wur-ruld.
Ye're goin' to teach thim
a
that a la-ad with a curlin' black mustache an'
smokin' a cigareet
he's
more
often
is
a
always a villyan, whin
barber with a lar-rge
ON BOOKS
Life, says
family.
book.
is, tell
ye
!
109
There's no
life in
a
If ye want to show thim what life
thim to look around thim. There's
more life on a Saturdah night in th' Ar-rchy
Road thin in all th' books fr'm Shakespeare
to th' rayport iv th' drainage thrustees.
c
man/ I says, iver wrote a book if he
No
had
annything to write about, except Shakespeare
Mike Ahearn.
Shakespeare was all
an'
niver read anny of his pieces,
I
r-right.
but they sound good; an*
"
Ahearn
is
all
"What
know Mike
I
r-right.'
Mr. Hen-
did he say?" asked
nessy.
"He took it all r-right," said Mr. Dooley.
"He kind o' grinned, an' says he: 'What
ye say
'
Books
not thrue,' he says.
thim that can't injye thim-
thrue, an'
is
is
f 'r
it's
c
silves in
anny other way,' he
in
health, an' ar-re atin' three squares
good
says.
If ye're
a day, an' not ayether sad or very much in
love with ye'er lot, but just lookin' on an'
not carin' a
'
he said rush
c
not carin' a
rush, ye don't need books,' he says.
c
But
MR. DOOLEY
no
down-spirited thing an* want to get
away an* can't, ye need books. 'Tis betther
to be comfortable at home thin to go to th'
if ye're a
circus,
an
1
'tis
thin to r-read
to r-read a
betther to go to th' circus
anny book. But 'tis betther
book
thin to
circus an' not be able to,'
(
want to go to th'
he says. 'Well,'
I was
growin' up, half th' conmass
with their prayer books
heard
gregation
tur-rned upside down, an' they were as pious
says
I,
whin
as anny.
Th' Apostles' Creed niver was
con-vincin' to
it
as
it
me
was whin
lieved it/
"
I
afther I
as
larned to r-read
cudden't read
it,
but be-
ON REFORM CANDIDATES.
"
THAT
frind iv ye'ers, Dugan, is an intilMr. Dooley. "All he
Jigent man," said
needs is an index an* a few illusthrations to
make him
a bicyclopedja iv useless informa-
tion."
"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, judiciously,
"he ain't no Soc-rates an' he ain't no anbut he's a good
swers- to-questions colum
;
man
that goes to his jooty, an' as handy with
a pick as some people are with a cocktail
"
What's he been doin' again ye ?
spoon.
"Nawthin'," said Mr. Dooley, "but he
c
was in here Choosday.
says
C
I.
I
c
did,' says he.
th' distinguished
invalu'ble suffrage
bunko
steerers
'
?
says
c
six
good man,'
I
got ye'er
didn't have
I
he says.
says
c
c
says,
voted f'r
I've been with
c
ilictions,'
he,
an'
he's
a
D'ye think ye're
votin' f'r th' best?' says
alive,'
I
but
c
Charter Haitch,' says he.
in
*
I.
none with me,' says he,
him
'
Did ye vote ?
Which wan iv
I.
c
Why, man
Charter Haitch was assas-
MR. DOOLEY
ua
sinated three years ago/
c
says
Dugan.
down be
Ah,
says.
well,
He
this time.
c
I
he's
Was
lived
he?'
that
was a good man/
he says.
"Ye
see, that's
what thim rayform
lads
liked ray formers, Hinnissy, an* wanted f 'r to see thim win out
wanst in their lifetime, I'd buy thim each a
wint up again.
iv chilled
suit
peatin*
rifles,
Sthreet
an'
At
If
I
steel,
an*
ar-rm thim with raythim east iv State
take
south iv Jackson
prisint th'
Bullyvard.
opinion that pre-vails in th'
ranks iv th' gloryous ar-rmy iv ray-form
is
that there ain't annything worth seein' in
this lar-rge an'
commodyous desert but
Me
frind
pest-house an' the bridewell.
Willum J. O'Brien is no ray former. But
th'
Willum
J.
undherstands that there's a few
hundherds
iv
a part iv
th'
thin'
thousands iv people livin' in
town that looks like naw-
but smoke fr'm
th'
roof iv
th'
Onion
League Club that have on'y two pleasures
in life, to wur-ruk an' to vote, both iv
which they do at th' uniform rate iv wan
ON REFORM CANDIDATES
dollar an* a half a day.
O'Brien
J.
now
is
That's
a sinitor an' will be an
aldherman afther next Thursdah, an'
why
things
chises
flowers.
way a rayform candydate is
boys down town has heerd that
somehow. Franhanded out to none iv thim
ain't goin' r-right
is
bein*
;
wanst in a while a mimber iv
comin'
it's
th'
is
Th'
ilicted.
an'
him
other people are sinding
" This
113
why Willum
home
a
little late
th' club,
an' thryin' to ricon-
a pair iv r-round feet with an embroidered sidewalk, meets a sthrong ar-rm boy
cile
that pushes in his face an* takes away all his
It begins to be talked that th'
marbles.
time has come f 'r good citizens f 'r to brace
up an' do somethin', an' they agree to nomc
Who'll
ynate a candydate f 'r aldherman.
we put up?'
Doolittle
a
'
?
c
says they.
says wan.
coupon thumb,
an'
c
How's Clarence
He's
can't
how about Arthur Doheny ?
oath whin
vote f 'r a
I
up with
c
An'
r-run.'
laid
'
'
I
swore an
came out iv colledge I'd niver
that wore a made tie.' * Well,
man
thin, let's thry Willie Boye.'
<
Good,' says
MR. DOOLEY
ii4
th'
'He's jus' th' man f'r our
An' Willie Boye, after thinkin' it
comity.
money/
over, goes to his tailor an' ordhers three
pairs iv pants, an' decides f 'r to be
dozen
th'
sthandard-bearer iv th' people.
Musin'
over his fried eyesthers an' asparagus an' his
champagne, he bets a polo pony again a
box of golf-balls he'll be ilicted unanimous ;
an'
all
th'
good
citizens
make
a
vow
f 'r to
set th' alar-rm clock f 'r
half-past three
th' afthernoon iv iliction day, so's to be
on
up
in time to vote f 'r th' riprisintitive iv pure
gover'mint.
" 'Tis some time befure
they comprehind
that there ar-re other candy dates in th' field.
But th' other candydates know it.
Th'
sthrongest iv thim
his
name
is
Flannigan,
an' he's a re-tail dealer in wines an' liquors,
Flanan' he lives over his establishment.
nigan was nomynated enthusyastically at a
prim'ry held in his bar-rn ; an' befure Willie
Boye had picked out pants
th'
color
iv
th'
that
Austhreelyan
here Flannigan had put a
wud match
ballot
man on
th'
this
day
ON REFORM CANDIDATES
115
watch, toF him to speak gently to anny rayth'
gistered voter that wint to sleep behind
sthove, an* was out that night visitin' his
Who was it judged th' cake walk
Who was it carrid th' pall?
Flannigan.
Who was it sthud up at th'
Flannigan.
frinds.
?
Whose ca-ards
Flannigan.
christening?
did th' grievin' widow, th' blushin' bridegroom, or
th'
happy
father find in th'
hack ?
Ye bet ye'er life. Ye see
Flannigan's.
out f'r th' good iv th'
wasn't
Flannigan
community.
gan
"
th'
Flannigan was out f'r Flanni-
an' th' stuff.
Well,
iliction
imminent
special wires
dher
my
an' all
th' club, an'
waited
showed 28
first
precin't
14 f'r Flannigan.
c
I wonprecin't,' says Willie.
votes f'r Willie
That's
Th'
;
good gover'mint had
sthrung into
f'r th' returns.
c
day come around
frinds iv
Boye
who voted thim
to
fourteen
men,' says Clarence Doolittle.
'
?
c
Coach'There are
thirty-five precin'ts in this ward,' says th'
leader iv th' rayform ilimint. c At this rate,
I'm sure iv 440 meejority. Gossoon,' he
MR. DOOLEY
n6
c
put a keg iv sherry wine on th' ice/
c
c
Well/ he says, at last th' comsays.
says,
he
munity is relieved fr'm misrule/ he says.
To-morrah I will start in arrangin' amind-
c
mints to
th' tariff
schedool an*
c
th' ar-bitra-
We
must be up an'
c
Hoi' on there/ says wan
c
There must be some mis-
tion threety/ he says.
doin'/ he says.
iv th' comity.
take in this fr'm th' sixth precin't/ he says.
'
c
Where's the sixth precin't ? says Clarence.
*
Over be
me
th'
dumps/
futman to see to
c
says Willie.
that.
He
I
told
lives at th'
Av'noo
cor-ner iv Desplaines an Bloo Island
What does
on Goose's Island/ he says.
(
three
an'
show ?
hundherd
Flannigan,
c
'
it
Hansen, forty-eight; Schwartz,
O'Malley, sivinteen
Casey, ten ;
twinty
Larsen, five
O'Rourke,
O'Day, eight
three Mulcahy, two Schmitt, two Moloeighty-five;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
ney, two; Riordon, two; O'Malley, two;
c
Willie Boye, wan.'
Gintlemin/ says Willie
Boye, arisin' with a stern look in his eyes,
c
bethrayed me. Waither, take
They'se no
sherry wine off th' ice.
th' rascal has
th'
ON REFORM CANDIDATES
hope f 'r sound financial
I'm goin' home/
"An', as he goes down
117
legislation this year.
th' sthreet,
he hears
band play
an* sees a procission headed be
a calceem light ; an', in a carredge, with his
a
plug hat in his hand an* his di'mond makin'
th' calceem look like a piece iv punk in a
smoke-house,
visit
is
Flannigan, payin' his
this side iv th'
thracks."
first
ON PATERNAL DUTY.
" I'M havin' a time iv
it
with Terence,"
Mr. Hennessy, despondently.
"What's th' la-ad been doin'?" asked
Mr. Dooley.
" It ain't so much what he's
doin'," Mr.
said
Hennessy
He
doin.'
he
explained,
ain't stayin'
wurrukin'
ain't
what
home
he
ain't
iv nights, an*
but he does be out on
;
corner with th'
th'
"as
Cromleys
an' th'
rest,
c
dancin' jig steps an' whistlin' th' Rogue's
March whin a polisman goes by. Sure, I
can do nawthin' with him, f 'r he's that kind
'
an'
a
good
man
at
home
iv stone.
thinkin' iv what's
that he'd melt th' heart iv
But
to
it's
gray
become
iv
me
life
is,
him whin
he gets to be a man grown. Ye're lucky,
Martin, that ye're childless."
"
Sure, I cudden't be anny other way, an'
hold me good name," said Mr. Dooley.
"
An', whin I look about me sometimes, it's
glad
I
am.
But lave
They'se been times, perhaps
that go.
Is there somethin' in th'
ON PATERNAL DUTY
air
or
is it
in oursilves
that
makes
119
th' chil-
dher nowadays turn out to curse th' lives iv
thim that give thim life ? It may be in th'
Whin I was a kid, they were
thrainin'.
brought up to love, honor, an' respect th'
that their days might be long in
ol' folks,
th'
land.
Amen.
If they didn't, th' best
they cud do was to say nawthin' about
'Twas th' back iv th' hand an' th' sowl
th' fut to th' la-ad that
it.
iv
his
first
a r-right
hook where
spoon
put
Between th' whalin's we
got at school h'isted on th' back iv th' big
boy that was bein' thrainned to be a Christyan
brother an' th' thumpin's we got at home,
we was kept sore an' sthraight fr'm wan
'Twas no mild doses
year's end to another.
I mind wanst, whin
they give us, ayether.
I was near as
as
I am now, I handed
big
back some onkind re-emarks to me poor
father that's dead.
May he rest in peace,
He must iv been a small
per Dominum
an*
bent
with
wurruk an' worry. But
man,
did he take me jaw?
He did not. He
into th' stirabout.
!
hauled off, an' give
me
MR. DOOLEY
120
th'
bad wurruds come
fr'm.
I
put up a
pretty fight, f'r me years; but th' man
doesn't live that can lick his own father.
He
rowled
I
me
acrost an oat-field, an' I give
him anny too well f 'r
didn't love
up.
that lickin', but
come into
he'd
I
respected
him
an',
;
be near a hundherd
:
if
an' he'd
this place to-night,
he was born in
th'
year
if he
'98, an' pikes was hid in his cradle,
come in here to-night an' pulled me ear, I'd
go again him. I wud so.
th' other way about now.
Did ye
know a man be th' name iv Ahearn ? Ye
fear to
" 'Tis
iver
did not?
time.
He
picked up
Well, maybe he was before yer
was a cobbler be thrade but he
;
money be
livin'
off iv leather
findings an' wooden pegs, an' bought pieces
iv th' prairie, an' starved an' bought more,
an'
starved an' starved
till
his
heart was
up like a washerwoman's hand.
But he made money. An' th' more he made,
th' more he wanted, an', wantin' nawthin'
more, it come to him fr'm the divvle, who
kept th' curse f'r his own time. This man
shrivelled
ON PATERNAL DUTY
121
Ahearn, whin he had acres an* acres on
Halsted Sthreet, an' tinants be th' scoor that
prayed at nights f'r him that he might live
long an*
taste
sorrow,
he marrid a
girl.
Her name was Ryan, a little, scared, foolish
woman an* she died whin a boy was bor-rn.
;
Ahearn give her a solemn rayqueem high
mass an* a monument at Calv'ry that ye can
An' he come
see fr'm th' fun'ral thrain.
fr'm th' fun'ral with th' first smile on his face
that
anny man
iver see there, an' th'
baby in
his ar-rms.
"
not say Ahearn was a changed man.
Th' love iv money was knitted into his
I'll
heart
;
an', afther th' la-ad
come,
th'
way he
ground th' people that lived in his house
was death an' destruction. c I must provide
f'r me own,' he said.
But thim that was
kind to th' kid cud break th' crust, an' all
th'
r-rough, hard-wurrkin' tenants paid f'r
he give to th' ol' frauds an' be-
th' favors
guilin'
women
Ahearn.
He
that petted Dan'l O'Connell
f'r th' kid.
Nawthin' was too good
had nurses
an' servants to wait
on him.
MR. DOOLEY
122
He
had clothes that'd stock this ba-ar f 'r a
Whin he was old enough, he was sint
year.
An' th' ol' man'd take
to Saint Ignatyous.
him walkin' on a Sundah, an* pint out th'
rows an* rows iv houses, with
th'
childher
in front gazin' in awe at th' great man an'
their fathers glowerin' fr'm the windows, an'
Thim will all be yours whin ye grow
Dan'l
O'Connell, avick.'
up,
"
Well, it didn't take an eye iv a witch to
see that Dan'l O'Connell was a bor-rn idjet.
c
say,
rale harm in th' poor la-ad,
he
was
on'y
lazy an' foolish an' sort iv tired
They was no
like.
To make
a long story short,
Hin-
nissy, his father thried ivry thing f 'r
He
got nawthin.'
cared
but
ca-ards,
nawthin'
good
women, he
not
that
wrench
shamblin'
th'
f'r
money.
to
He
play
did
just a slow, tired, aisyth'
sort that'd
la-ad,
heart iv a father like Ahearn.
dinnaw what he did
he come into
turned out
liked
was bad ; an' yet he was no
at all, at all,
goin',
I
f'r
little
him, an'
didn't dhrink much, he
fin'lly,
but wan night
place an' said he'd been
be his father an' wanted a place
my
ON PARENTAL DUTY
Ye'll sleep at home/ says
Ye'er father sh'd take shame to himsilf,
f'r to sleep.
c
123
c
I.
put on me coat, an*
I was a
wint over to Ahearn's.
power in
in
wa-ard
thim
an'
th'
feared no man
days,
him
a rich
man/
alive.
Th' oF
Whin
I
An*
la-ad
I
met us
at
th' dure.
speak, he blazed up.
c
Misther Dooley,' says he, c my sorrows are
me own. I'll keep thim here. As f 'r ye,'
started
to
he says, an' tur-rned like a tiger on th' boy
him with his ol' leathery hand.
an' sthruck
Th' boy stood
out,
me
f 'r a minnyit, an' thin walked
I niver see him since.
with him.
We left Ahearn
standin' there, as
we used
to
say iv th' fox in th' ol' counthry, cornered
between th' river an' th' wall."
" Ye're
lucky to be alone," said Mr. Hennessy as he left.
" I think
But
so," said Mr. Dooley.
there was no content upon his face as he
watched a lounging oaf of a boy catch up
with Mr. Hennessy, exchange a curtly affectionate greeting, and walk over to where
Mrs. Hennessy could be seen reading the
"
"
of Heaven
beside the
Key
parlor stove.
ON CRIMINALS.
" LORD bless
<c
childher
is
my
sowl," said
Mr. Dooley,
a gr-reat risponsibility,
risponsibility.
Whin
think iv
I
agr-reat
it,
I
praise
was married, though I had
opporchunities enough whin I was a young
man an even now I have to wear me hat
th' saints I niver
1
;
go down be Cologne Sthreet on
account iv th' Widow Grogan. Jawn, that
I wake
woman'll take me dead or alive.
up
low whin
in a col
I
1
chill
in
th'
middle iv
th' night,
dhreamin' iv her havin' me in her clutches.
" But that's not here or
I
there, avick.
pa-apers iv a lad be th'
iv Scanlan bein' sint down th' short
was r-readin' in
name
th'
r-road f 'r near a lifetime
;
an' I
minded
th'
a bit iv a curlytime I iver see him,
haired boy that played tag around me place,
c
an' 'd sing Blest Saint Joseph with a smile
first
'
on his face like an angel's. Who'll tell what
makes wan man a thief an' another man a
This here boy's father
I dinnaw.
saint?
wurrked fr'm morn
till
night in th' mills,
ON CRIMINALS
was
125
early mass Sundah mornin' before
at
th' alkalis lit th'
knowed
An' his
candles, an' niver
a month whin he failed his jooty.
mother was a sweet-faced little
woman,
County Kerry, that nursed
th' sick an' waked th' dead, an' niver had a
though fr'm th'
hard thought in her simple mind f 'r anny
Poor sowl, she's dead
iv Gawd's creatures.
now.
she rest in peace
didn't git th' shtreak fr'm his father
May
"He
or fr'm his mother.
was as
fine a lot as
!
His brothers an' sisters
But this la-ad
iver lived.
Petey Scanlan growed
up
fr'm bein' a curly-
haired angel f 'r to be th' toughest villyun in
th' r-road.
What was
it
at
all,
at all
?
Some-
think they'se poison in th' life iv a
Th' flowers won't grow here no
big city.
times
I
thin they wud in a tannery, an' th'
bur-rds have no song ; an' th' childher iv
dacint men an' women come up hard in th'
more
mouth
an' with their
hands raised again their
kind.
" Th' la-ad was
He
was
th'
scoorge iv th' polis.
as quick as a cat an* as fierce as a
MR. DOOLEY
126
tiger,
an' I well
raymimber him havin'
laid
out big Kelly that used to thravel this post,
c
Whistlin' Kelly that kep' us awake with
'
imitations iv a mockin' bur-rd,
well raymimber him scuttlin' up th' alley with a score
iv polismin laborin' afther him, thryin' f 'r a
I
shot at him as he wint around th' bar-rns or
undher
th'
He
thrucks.
slep'
in th
j
coal-
sheds afther that until th' poor ol' man cud
But, whin he come
square it with th' loot.
out, ye cud see how his face had hardened an'
was as silent as an
his ways changed.
He
animal, with a sideways manner that watched
ivrything.
Right here in this place I seen
him stand f 'r a quarther iv an' hour, not
seemin' to hear a dhrunk
man
pry him loose.
" Th' ol' folks done
abusin' him,
We
an' thin lep out like a snake.
th' best
had to
they cud with
They hauled him out iv station an' jail
Wanst in a long while they'd
an' bridewell.
dhrag him off to church with his head down
him.
:
that was
up
f 'r
always afther he'd been sloughed
wan thing or
another.
Between times
ON CRIMINALS
127
him his own side iv th' sthreet,
an' on'y took him whin his back was tur-rned.
Thin he'd go in the wagon with a mountain
iv thim on top iv him, swayin' an* swearin'
th' polls give
an* sthrikin' each other in their hurry to
him
"
to sleep with their clubs.
I mind well th' time he
was
first
put
took
I heerd a noise in th'
to be settled f 'r good.
thin
he
come
an'
ya-ard,
through th' place
with his face dead gray an' his lips just a
turn grayer. c Where ar-re ye goin', Petey ?'
says
*
I.
I
was
jus' takin' a short cut
home/
In three minyits th' r-road was full
iv polismin.
They'd been a robbery down
man that had a groin Halsted Sthreet.
he says.
A
cery sthore was stuck up, an'
whin he fought
was clubbed near to death
Scanlan
house.
th'
through
That was
an' they'd r-run
;
alleys to his father's
as far as they'd go.
They
was enough iv thim to've kicked down th'
little
cottage with their heavy boots, but
they knew he was standin' behind th' dure
with th' big gun in his hand
they was
manny
a
none that cared f 'r
;
an',
though
lad there, they was
that short odds.
good
MR. DOOLEY
128
"
talked an' palavered outside, an*
telephoned th' chief iv polis, an* more pathrol wagons come up. Some was f 'r settin'
They
fire to th' buildin',
but no wan moved ahead.
Thin th' fr-ront dure opened, an' who shud
come out but th' little mother. She was thin
an' pale, an' she had her apron in her hands,
c
c
Gintlemin,' she says, what
pluckin' at it.
c
Liftinant
ye want iv me ? she says.
c
'r
she
'tis
f
Cassidy,'
says,
ye that
sthrange
'
is it
I've
so long to make scandal iv me
f
Mrs. Scanneighbors,' she says.
knowed
before
me
c
Ian,'
says he,
we want
th'
boy.
I'm sorry,
ma'am, but he's mixed up in a bad scrape,
She made
an' we must have him,' he says.
'Twas
a curtsy to thim, an' wint indures.
than a minyit before she come out,
c
ar-rm.
He'll go,' she
clingin' to th' la-ad's
less
c
says.
Thanks
no crime on
be,
his
though he's wild, they'se
head.
Is
there, dear?'
Wan
c
No,' says he, like th' game kid he is.
iv th' polismin stharted to take hold iv him,
but th' la-ad pushed him back ; an' he wint
to th'
wagon on
his mother's ar-rm."
ON CRIMINALS
"
And was he
McKenna asked.
innocent
?
Mr.
"But she
Mr. Dooley.
knowed it. Th' ol' man come home
"No,"
niver
really
129
"
said
found her : she was settin' in a big chair
with her apron in her hands an th' picture
iv th' la-ad in her lap."
an*
ON A
"WELL,"
opean
"
It
'tis
Mr. Dooley, "th' Eur-
said
situation
becomin' a
is
little
gay."
Mr. Hennessy. " If I
anny iv the gr-reat powers,
so," said
was conthrollin'
I'd
PLOT.
go down
to th'
Phosphorus
an' take th'
sultan be th' back iv th' neck an'
give him
wan, two, three. 'Tis a shame f r him to
'
be desthroyin' white people without anny
man layin' hands on him. Th' man's no
He
frind iv mine.
ought to be impeached
an' thrun out."
"Divvle
Dooley.
th'
take
"It's
Phosphorus.
I
sultan,"
I
little
him or
likes iv
mind about
th'
th'
care
Mr.
him or
said
f'r
Ar-menyans or
was runnin' over in
th'
me
poor lads they have sloughed
up beyant f'r attimptin' to blow up Queen
Victorya an' th cza-ar iv Rooshia.
Glory
th'
be, but they'se nawthin' in the wide wurruld
as aisy to undherstand as a rivoluchonary
You'll see a lad iv
plot be our own people.
th'
right sort
that'd
niver open his head
ON A PLOT
wan end
fr'm
131
iv th' year to th' other
;
but,
he's picked out to go on a mission to
London, he niver laves off talkin' till they
whin
him aboord
put
steamer.
th'
Here was
Tynan. They say he had a hand in sindin*
Lord Cavendish down th' toboggan, though
I'd not thrust his
len'th iv
me
that th' thrue
over an' blow
ar-rm.
own
tellin'
as far as th'
Now
way to free
th' windows
he figured out
Ireland was to go
in
Winzer
Palace,
incidentally to hist th' queen an* th'
Rooshian cza-ar without th' aid iv th' ele-
an'
What
vator.
this here
Rooshian cza-ar
I
Tynan had
niver heerd.
again th'
'twas
But
something awful, ye may be sure.
"
Well, th' first thing th' la-ads done was
to go to Madison Square Garden an' hold
a secret meetin', in which thim that was to
hand
was
was
th'
package to
th'
queen and thim that
to toss a piece iv gas pipe to his cza-ars
told off.
Thin a comity was sint around
newspaper offices to tell thim th' exTh' conspirapedition was about to start.
to th'
tors,
heavily disgeesed, was attinded to th'
MR. DOOLEY
First come
procission.
a wagon-load iv nithro-
be a long
boat
ridin'
Tynan
on
glycerine; thin th' other conspirators, with
bombs
gas-pipe
th'
an* picks
undher
tunnellin'
Ah-o-haitches
;
an' chuvvels f'r
Winzer
Castle;
thin
raypoorthers ;
th'
thin
thin a brigade iv Scotland Ya-ard spies in
th' ga-arb iv polismin.
An' so off they
wint on their secret mission, with
c
playin'
Tynan
th'
band
Th' Wearin' iv th' Green,' an
on th' quarther deck, smilin'
standin'
an' bowin' an' wavin' a
bag iv jint powdher
over his head.
" No sooner had
th' conspirators landed
thin th' British gover'mint begun to grow
Tynan was shadowed
suspicious iv thim.
be detictives in
citizens'
he was seen out in
blowin'
up
shawl an' a
his
clothes
;
backyard
an',
whin
practisin'
a bar'l that he'd dhressed in a
little
lace
cap, th' suspicions
that Tynan wint he
Ivrywhere
growed.
was purshooed be th' minions iv tyranny.
Whin he visited th' house nex' dure to th'
queen's, an' unloaded a dhray full iv ex-
ON A PLOT
133
plosives an' chuwels, the fact was rayported
to th' polls, who become exthremely vigi-
Th'
lant.
detictives followed
him
land Yard, where he wint to
iv
captain
to Scot-
inform
th'
conspiracy, an' overheard
ividence iv th' plot until
more an' more suspicious that
th'
much damming
they become
something was on, although what was th'
intintions iv th' conspirators it was hard to
fr'm their peculiar actions.
Whin
Tynan gathered his followers in Hyde Park,
an' notified thim iv the positions they was
make out
to
and
take
among
thim,
disthributed
th'
detictives
th'
dinnymite
become decid-
Their suspicions was again
Tynan asked permission iv th'
edly suspicious.
aroused whin
common
council to build a bay
window up
close to th' queen's bedroom.
But th' time
to act had not come, an' they continted thimselves with thrackin'
him through
th' sthreets
an' takin' notes iv such suspicious remarks
c
as Anny wan that wants mementoes iv th'
queen has on'y to be around
hood
nex'
week with
this
neighbor-
a shovel an' a basket,'
MR. DOOLEY
134
an'
c
be
th' czar,
Onless ye want ye'er clothes to be spoiled
On
ye'd best carry umbrellas/
th' followin' day Tynan took th'
step that
was needed f 'r to con-vince th' gover'mint
that he
He
had designs on the monarchs.
wint to France.
always been obsarved
that, whin a dinnymiter had to blow up
annything in London, he laves th' counthry.
It's
polis, now thoroughly aroused, acted
with commindable promptness.
They ar-
Th'
risted
Tynan
in
Booloon f 'r
th'
murdher
iv
Cavendish.
"
is
Thus,"
th'
said
vengeance
Mr. Dooley,
f'r
which
" thus
sadly,
our
beloved
counthry has awaited so long delayed be th'
hand iv onscrupulious tyranny. Sthrive as
our heroes may, no secrecy
is secure
against
iv
British
Oh, Irecorruption
goold.
is
this
to
be
land,
thy fate forever ? Ar-re
th'
ye niver to escape th' vigilance iv th' polis,
thim cold-eyed sleuths that seem to read th'
"
very thoughts iv ye'er pathriot sons ?
"There must have been a spy in
ranks," said
Mr. Hennessy.
th'
ON A PLOT
at
135
" Sure
thing," said Mr. Dooley, winking
Mr. McKenna. " Sure
thing, Hinnissy.
Ayether that or th' accomplished detictives
at Scotland Yards keep a close watch iv the
newspapers.
that
Or it may be
Tynan was
indiscreet.
dhropped a hint of
who knows ?
He may
his intintions."
have
ON THE NEW WOMAN.
"
a
MOLLY DONAHUE
new woman
have up an* become
!
"
been a good thing f 'r ol' man DonaHe shtud ivry thing
hue, though, Jawn.
that mortal man cud stand.
He seen her
It's
appearin' in
road wearin'
th'
clothes
that
no lady shud wear an' ridin' a bicycle he
was humiliated whin she demanded to vote
he put his pride under his ar-rm an'
ma-arched out iv th' house whin she committed assault-an'-batthry on th' piannah.
But he's got to th' end iv th' rope now.
He was in here las' night, how-come-ye-so,
;
;
with his hat cocked over his eye an' a look
iv risolution on his face ; an' whin he left me,
he says, says he,
c
quir, or
he
"
I'll die,'
Dooley,' he says,
c
111
con-
says.
been comin f 'r months, but it on'y
bust on Donahue las' week.
He'd come
It's
home
was
at night tired out, an' afther
pullin' off his boots,
mother begun
talkin'
supper he
whin Mollie
about
th'
an' th'
rights
iv
ON THE NEW WOMAN
c
females.
'Tis th' era iv th'
137
new woman/
c
Ye're right/ says th' mother.
c
What d'ye mean be the new woman ? says
c
Donahue, holdin' his boot in his hand. Th'
says Mollie.
'
new woman/
says Mollie,
c
'11
be free fr'm
c
She'll
man/ she says.
opprision
wurruk out her own way, without help or
c
She'll wear what
hinderance/ she says.
iv
th'
clothes she wants/ she says,
c
an' she'll be
no
c
says.
They'll be no such
thing as givin' a girl in marredge to a clown
an' makin' her dipindant on his whims,' she
c
Th' women'll earn their own livin'/
says.
man's slave/ she
she says
stay at
f
an'
;
home
she says.
c
mebbe/ she
c
says,
an' dredge in th'
men'll
house wurruk/
A-ho/ says Donahue.
'
th'
c
An' that's
An' he said
new woman, is it ? he says.
no more that night.
" But th' nex' mornin' Mrs. Donahue an*
Mollie come to his dure. c Get up,' says
Mrs. Donahue, an' bring in some coal/ she
th'
c
Ye drowsy man, ye'll be late f 'r ye'er
wurruk.'
Diwle th' bit iv coal I'll fetch/
Donahue.
Go away an' lave me alone/
says
c
says.
(
c
MR. DOOLEY
138
<
he
says.
>
lte re
inthruptin'
man
me
dreams.'
'
What
says Mrs. Donaye,
c
c
Go away/ says Donahue,
Get up.'
hue.
c
c
Th' idee
me
lave
an
slumber/ he says.
c
ails
alive
?
iv a couple iv big strong
me wurruk
makin'
women
f 'r ye/ he says.
like
c
you
Mollie
c
An' as f 'r
bring in th' coal/ he says.
best
see
what
there
is in
you, Honoria, ye'd
'11
th'
he
cupboord
'
says.
put it in ye'er dinner-pail/
heerd th' first whistle blow a
an'
I
minyit ago/ he says
c
;
an' there's a pile iv
be wheeled off
that has to
slag at th' mills
befure th' sup'rintindint comes around/ he
Ye know
with me in
c
says.
job
ye can't afford to lose ye'er
this dilicate condition/ he
c
I'm going to sleep now/ he says.
An', Mollie, do ye bring me in a cup iv
c
I
cocoa an' a pooched igg at tin,' he says.
says.
c
ixpect
We
an'
me
says Mrs. Donahue.
man's clean crazy.' c Divvle's th' bit/
save us
c
music-teacher about that time.
have to take a wallop out iv Wagner
c
Th' Lord
Bootoven befure noon.'
Th'
fr'm
harm,'
Donahue, wavin' his red flannel undherc
I'm the new man/ he says.
shirt in th' air.
says
ON THE NEW WOMAN
"Well,
Donahue
sir,
said
it
139
flured thim
know what
to say.
They
complete.
in
th'
coal ;
Mollie was game, an* she fetched
but Mrs. Donahue got nervous as eight
c
Ye're not goin' to
o'clock come around.
didn't
stay in
c
says.
c
bed
all
Th'
'ell
I'm not
day an* lose ye'er job/ she
me job/ says Donahue.
with
man
th'
take wurruk whin
to
women
Show me
they'se industhrees
c
he
with nawthin' to
th' pa-apers/ he
want
to
see
where
I can
says.
get an
eighty-cint bonnet f 'r two and a half.' He's
that stubborn he'd've stayed in bed all day,
do,'
c
but
says.
I
good woman weakened.
th'
c
Come,'
c
don't be foolish/ she says.
Ye
wudden't have th' ol' woman wurrukin' in
c
she says,
she says.
th' mills/
c
says.
*
Th'
Oh-ho,
woman
ol'
th'
c
'Twas
ol'
all
woman
ye
Honoria.'
out
;
an'
th'
!
mills
'
!
he
says.
that's a horse iv
Well,
another color/ he says.
'An'
tellin'
a joke,' she
closed
is
I
don't
down
mind
to-day,
So he dhressed himsilf an' wint
(
Miss
says he to Mollie, he says
Newwoman/
:
c
says he,
ye
may
find
wurruk
MR. DOOLEY
140
enough around
if
he
th'
house/ he
c
says.
ye have time, ye might paint
c
says.
Th'
ol'
man
th'
An',
stoop/
goin' to take th'
Halsted Sthreet' an*
is
oF woman down be
blow himsilf f 'r a new shawl f 'r her/
" An* he's been that
proud iv th' victhry
that he's been a reg'lar customer f'r a
week."
ON EXPERT TESTIMONY.
"ANNYTHING new?" said Mr. Hennessy,
who had been waiting patiently for Mr.
to put down his newspaper.
" I've been r-readin' th'
tistimony iv
Dooley
th'
Mr. Dooley.
Lootgert case," said
"What
"
I
d'ye think iv it?"
think so," said Mr. Dooley.
"Think what?"
How do I know ? "
" How do I know what
"
said
Mr. Dooley.
think?
I
I'm no
combi-nation iv chemist, doctor, osteologist,
polisman, an' sausage-maker, that I can give
A
man
ye an opinion right off th' bat.
needs to be all iv thim things to detarmine
annything about a murdher trile in these
This shows how intelligent our
days.
methods
as
is,
man man
is
into
a
away
Hogan
says.
charged with
A
large Gerputtin' his wife
breakfas'-dish, an* he says he
do it. Th' on'y question, thin, is,
Did or did not Alphonse Lootgert stick
didn't
Mrs. L. into a
quick lunch
?
vat, an' rayjooce her
Am
I
"
right
?
to a
MR. DOOLEY
142
" Ye
ar-re," said
" That's
Mr. Hennessy.
What
simple enough.
th' coort
call him
up, an' say :
where's
woman
?
If
ye'er good
Lootgert,
Lootgert cudden't tell, he ought to be hanged
ought toVe done was to
'
c
on
gin'ral principles
his wife
there,
it
;
f 'r a
man must keep
around th' house, an' whin she isn't
shows he's a poor provider. But, if
'
Lootgert says,
I
don't
know where me
wife
c
Go out, an' find
is,' the coort shud say
If ye can't projooce her in a week, I'll
her.
:
An' let that be th' end iv it.
" But what do
they do ? They get Loot-
fix ye.'
gert into coort an' stand
him up befure
a
gang iv young rayporthers an' th' likes iv
thim to make pitchers iv him. Thin they
summon a jury composed iv poor tired,
sleepy expressmen an' tailors an' clerks.
Thin they call in a profissor from a colledge.
c
Profissor,' says th' lawyer f 'r the State,
put
it
to ye if a
wooden vat
c
I
three hundherd
an' sixty feet long, twenty-eight feet
deep, an'
feet
an'
if
three
hundherd
wide,
sivinty-five
pounds
iv caustic
soda boiled, an'
if
the leg
ON EXPERT TESTIMONY
143
iv a guinea pig, an' ye said yestherdah about
bi-carbonate iv soda, an' if it washes up an*
washes over, an* th' slimy, slippery stuff, an'
tooth or a lock iv hair or a jawbone
or a goluf ball across th' cellar eleven feet nine
if a false
inches
that
gallons that
says
is,
two inches
'
c
I
?
th' profissor.
periments in an'
iv gool,
which
this
way
an' five
agree with ye intirely,'
c
I made lab'ratory ex-
ir'n
basin, with bichloride
I will call
soup-stock, an' coal
which I will call ir'n filings. I mixed th'
two over a hot fire, an' left in a cool place to
I thin
harden.
packed it in ice, which I will
tar,
glue, an* rock-salt, which I will call fried
that
eggs, an' obtained a dark, queer solution
call
is
a cure f 'r freckles,
mony
which
I will
or doughnuts or annything
call antiI
blamed
please.'
"'But,' says th' lawyer f'r th' State,
an' I lave it
measurin' th' vat with gas,
to ye whether this is not th' on'y fair test,
*
an' supposin* that two feet acrost is akel to
tin feet sideways, an' supposin' that a thick
green an' hard
substance, an'
I
daresay
it
MR. DOOLEY
144
wud;
an' supposin'
account
takin' into
you may,
twelve be eight,
measuremints,
th' vat bein' wound with twine six inches
th'
fr'm th' handle an' a rub iv th'
green, thin
ar-re not human teeth often found in counc
thry sausage?'
In
th'
winter,'
says
th'
c
But th' sisymoid bone is sometimes seen in th' fat, sometimes worn as a
profissor.
watch-charm.
which
took two sisymoid bones,
poker dice, an' shook thim
I
I will call
together in
a
cylinder,
which
I
will
Fido, poored in a can iv milk, which
call
gum
on-rats,
arabic,
which
I
call
I will
took two pounds iv roughrayfase to call ; but th' ray-
suit is th' same.'
Question be
th' coort:
Answer: <Yis.' Th' coort:
<
Th' same.' Be Misther McEwen 'Whose
bones?' Answer: 'Yis.' Be Misther Vincent
Will ye go to th' divvle ?
Answer
'Different?'
:
'
c
:
c
:
It dissolves th' hair.'
"
Now
jury gets
want to know
what
I
off.
What
is
where
th'
has that collection iv
pure-minded pathrites to larn fr'm this here
polite discussion, where no wan is so crool
ON EXPERT TESTIMONY
145
what anny wan else means ? Thank
Lord, whin th' case is all over, the jury'll
as to ask
th'
pitch th' tistimony out iv th' window, an'
c
consider three questions
Did Lootgert
look as though he'd kill his wife ?
Did his
:
wife look as though she ought to be kilt?
Isn't
time
we wint
to
supper?' An',
howiver they answer, they'll be right, an'
it'll
it
make
other.
little
difference
Th' German vote
ignorant, anny how."
wan way or
is
too
th'
large an*
ON THE POPULARITY OF
FIREMEN.
"I KNOWED a man be
He
wanst, Jawn.
th'
was
name
fr'm
iv
th'
Clancy
County
May-o, but a good man f'r all that; an',
whin he'd growed to be a big, sthrappin'
fellow, he wint on to th' fire departmint.
They'se an Irishman 'r two on th' fire departmint an' in th' army, too, Jawn, though
ye'd think be hearin' some talk they was all
runnin' prim'ries an' thryin' to be cinthral
comitymen. So ye wud. Ye niver hear iv
thim on'y whin they die
what funerals they have
an' thin, murther,
;
!
"Well,
this
Clancy wint on
th' fire de-
him
a place in thruck
th' r-road was proud iv
partmint, an' they give
AH
twinty-three.
an*
faith
he
was
him,
proud
iv himsilf.
He
r-rode free on th' sthreet ca-ars, an' was th'
champeen hand-ball player f'r miles around.
Ye shud
see
him
goin'
down
th' sthreet,
with
his blue shirt an' his blue coat with th' but-
tons on
it,
an' his cap
on
his ear.
But
ne'er
ON FIREMEN
147
a cap or coat'd he wear whin they was a
He might be shiv'rin* be th' stove in
fire.
th'
ingine house with a buffalo robe over his
head but, whin th' gong sthruck, 'twas off
with coat an' cap an* buffalo robe, an' out
;
come me brave Clancy, bare-headed an' bare
hand, dhrivin' with wan line an' spillin' th'
hose cart on wan wheel at ivry jump iv th'
horse.
Did anny wan iver see a fireman
with his coat on or a polisman with his off?
wanst, whin Clancy was standin' up
f r Grogan's eighth, his son come runnin' in
Why,
J
him they was a fire in Vogel's packin'
house.
He dhropped th' kid at Father
Kelly's feet, an* whipped off his long coat
to
tell
an' wint tearin' f 'r th' dure, kickin' over th'
poorbox
Mis' O'Neill that'd
an' buttin' ol'
come
in to
'twas
wan
'Twas lucky
say th' stations.
They're a fine
falls.
Jawn Grogan was wurrukin'
iv
Metzri
an' O'Connell's brewtop
iv th'
Grogans.
family f 'r
on
th'
ery wanst, with a
sey.
Whin
He
man
slipped an'
they come
be
fell
th'
name
iv
wan hundherd
to see if he
Dorfeet.
was dead, he
MR. DOOLEY
148
Lave me at him.' 'At
He's deliryous,' they says.
got up, an* says he:
'
{
who ? says they.
At Dorsey,' says Grogan.
He thripped
me/ So it didn't hurt Grogan's eighth to
c
c
c
fall
"
four
'r five feet.
Well,
Whin
Clancy wint
to
fires
an*
fires.
big organ facthry burnt, he carhose up to th' fourth story an' was
th'
rid th'
squirtin'
whin
th' walls fell.
They dug him
an' he come up
out with pick an' shovel,
fr'm th' brick an' boards an' saluted
th'
c
(
chief.
Clancy,' says th' chief, ye betther
did so, Jawn.
go over an' get a dhrink.'
He
An' Clancy was that proud
"Whin th' Hogan flats on Halsted Sthreet
took fire, they got all th' people out but wan
an' she was a woman asleep on th' fourth
c
Who'll go up ? says Bill Musham.
flure.
I
heerd
it.
!
;
'
c
c
Sure,
sir,'
says Clancy,
'
I'll
go
;
an'
up he
captain was a man be th' name
an'
iv O'Connell, fr'm th' County Kerry
he had his fut on th' ladder whin Clancy
wint.
His
;
Well, th' good man wint into th'
with
his wife faintin' down below.
smoke,
started.
ON FIREMEN
e
149
c
He'll be kilt/ says his brother.
Ye
don't
Musham.
An' sure
says
enough, whin ivry wan'd give him up, out
comes me brave Clancy, as black as a Turk,
Th' others wini:
with th' girl in his arms.
know him/
up
like
Bill
monkeys, but he shtud wavin' thim
come down th' ladder face forward.
Where'd ye larn that ? says Bill Musham.
I seen a man do it at th' Lyceem whin I
off, an'
'
c
'
was a
c
I'll
c
kid,' says Clancy.
have ye up before
Was
th' ol'
it all
right?'
man,' says Bill
teach ye to come down a
laddher as if ye was in a quadhrille, ye horse-
Musham.
stealin',
c
I'll
ham-sthringin'
But he
May-o man,' he
says.
Clancy wint over to see
(
Mike,' says she, 'twas fine,'
didn't.
O
c
his wife.
'
c
But why d'ye take th' risk ?
c
Did ye see th' captain ? he
c
He wanted to go.
says with a scowl.
Did ye think I'd follow a Kerry man with
he says.
all th' ward lukkin' on ?
she says.
she says.
'
'
"Well, so he wint dhrivin' th' hose-cart
on wan wheel, an' jumpin' whin he heerd a
man
so
much
as hit a glass to
make
it
ring.
MR. DOOLEY
150
All th' people looked up to him, an* th' kids
followed him down th' sthreet ; an' 'twas th'
anny wan f 'r to play
th'
But
joker.
gr-reatest priv'lige f 'r
him
dominos with
near
about a year ago he come in to see me, an'
c
c
Why,'
says he, Well, I'm goin' to quit.'
c
says
c
I,
young man
ye'er a
Faith,' he says,
c
young
c
look
yet,'
I
says.
me
at
hair,' he says,
I've been at it
heart, ol' head.
these twinty year, an' th' good woman's
wantin' to see more iv me thin blowin' into
c
a saucer iv coffee,' he says.
c
he says, on'y
good fire,' he says.
c
wan,' he says, with
quit,'
an' a
good dhraft
I
I'm goin' to
want to see wan more
c
A
th'
rale
good
ol'
hot
win' blowin' f 'r
in th' ilivator-shaft,
it
an'
about two
stories, with pitcher-frames an'
gasoline an' excelsior, an' to hear th' chief
"
Play 'way, sivinteen. What th' hell
an' damnation are ye standin' aroun' with
yellin'
:
that pipe f 'r
Is this a fire
?
'r
a
dam
livin'
I'll break ivry man iv
eighteen,
an'
chem'cal five to-morrah mornin'
four, six,
pitcher
?
befure breakfast."
his fist
c
Oh,' he says, bringin'
down, wan more,
an'
I'll
quit.'
ON FIREMEN
"An' he
did,
ter Brothers'
Jawn.
151
Th' day
box factory burnt.
th'
Carpen'Twas wan
thim big, fine-lookin' buildings that pious
men built out iv celluloid an' plasther iv
iv
Paris.
An' Clancy was wan
undher whin
bringin*
him
th'
him home
wall
;
fell.
hands."
I
an' th' little
at th' dure, rumplin' her
th'
men
seen
thim
iv
woman met
apron in her
ON THE GAME OF FOOTBALL.
cc
WHIN
I was a young man/' said Mr.
" an' that was a
Dooley,
long time ago,
but not so long ago as manny iv me ini-
mies'd like to believe,
I
fut-ball,
played
whin
ball I see
th'
if I
had anny inimies,
but 'twas not
fut-
th'
Brothers' school an' th'
Saint Aloysius Tigers played
las'
week on
th' pee-raries.
"
Whin
was a
I
noon we'd get out
la-ad, iv a
Sundah
afther-
in th' field where th' oats'd
been cut away, an' we'd choose up sides.
cap'n'd pick one man, an' th' other
Wan
c
another.
choose
I
c
c
Dooley,'
I
choose
choose Dimpsey,' c I choose
O'Connor,'
Riordan,' an' so on till there was twinty-five
Thin wan cap'n'd kick
or thirty on a side.
th'
ball,
kick
kick
it
it
an'
back
;
I
all
our side'd
an' thin
wan
r-run at
it
an'
iv th' other side'd
to us, an' afther awhile th'
game'd
get so timpischous that all th' la-ads iv both
sides'd be in wan pile, kickin' away at wan or
th'
other or at th' ball or at th' impire,
who
ON FOOTBALL
153
was mos'ly a la-ad that cudden't play an*
that come out less able to play thin he was
whin he wint in. An', if anny wan laid
hands on
noon
way
be
an'
else
th' ball,
th'
kicked
dark,
home in the moonlight.
to play
I
ball all th'
futball, an' I
two hundherd
give
played fr'm
th'
was a great wan
I'd think nawthin' iv histin' th'
it.
feet in th' air, an'
such a boost that
it
ribs iv th'
to
We
impire.
an'
till
" That was
ball
he was kicked be ivry wan
Prowtestant minister
him, he was a kind
bad luck
man
fistival iv
th'
pagan
comes ar-round, sure
it
ain't
was
that
on fr'm a hedge. I was th'
player in th' whole county, I was so.
" But this here
game that I've been
lookin'
ivry time
wanst
stove in th'
I
finest
seein'
Thanksgivin'
th'
game I
comin' up
I seen th'
played.
Dorgan la-ad
th' sthreet yesterdah in his futball clothes,
a pair iv matthresses on his
legs, a pillow
behind, a
measure
mask over
iv hair
lowed be three
on
men
his nose, an' a bushel
his head.
He
was
fol-
with bottles, Dr. Ryan,
MR. DOOLEY
154
D organ fam'ly.
They
jined thim.
a bigger
was a big crowd on th' peerary,
crowd than ye cud get to go f'r to see a
an* th'
I
Both sides had their frinds
prize fight.
cries.
that give th' colledge
Says wan
c
Take
an
an
an
ax to
crowd
ax,
ax,
:
thim.
Hooroo, hooroo,
'
tyan Bro-others
saw
thim,
thim,
hellabaloo.
Chris-
thim,
gnaw
c
Hit
chaw thim,
an' th' other says,
!
'
Saint Alo-ysius
got
two,
down
to
four,'
Well, afther awhile they
c
wur-ruk.
Sivin, eighteen.)
!
says
a
la-ad.
I've
seen
go mad
over figures durin'
ple
silver campaign, but I niver see
make
a
man want
f'r to
go out an'
peofree
th'
figures
his
kill
But these here figures
same effect on th' la-ads that a minLord Castlereagh'd have on their
fellow-men before.
had
th'
tion iv
fathers.
Wan
la-ad hauled off, an' give a
him a punch in th' stom-
la-ad acrost fr'm
ach.
in
His
th'
frind acrost th'
ear.
Th'
Aloysiuses took a runnin'
lung iv
wan
iv th'
way caught him
cinter rush iv th'
jump
Saint
at th' left
Christyan Brothers, an
3
ON FOOTBALL
155
Four Christyan
wint to th' grass with him.
Brothers leaped most crooly at four Saint
Th' cap'n iv
Aloysiuses, an* rolled thim.
th' Saint Aloysiuses he took th' cap'n iv th'
Christyan Brothers be th' leg, an' he pounded
th' pile
with him as I've seen a section hand
All this time young Dor-
th' thrack.
tamp
gan was standin' back, takin' no hand in th'
All iv a suddent he give a cry iv
affray.
rage, an'
c
Down
all
c
jumped
feet
'
foremost into
Faith, they are
Will iver they get up?'
says th' impire.
!
c
iv that,' says I,
They will,'
says oF
th' pile.
c
man Dorgan.
Ye
c
can't
stop thim,' says he.
"It took some time f 'r to pry thim off.
Near ivry man iv th' Saint Aloysiuses was
tied in a knot around wan iv th' Christyan
Brothers.
On'y wan iv them remained on
He
th' field.
nose in
th'
think he
smile.
c
is,'
I.
says
lyin' face
'
He's
down, with
kilt,'
says
Dorgan, with
a
Twas my boy Jimmy done
c
says he.
says
was
mud.
c
I.
his
C
I
merry
it,
too,'
He'll be arrested f 'r murdher,'
He
will
not,' says
he.
c
There's
MR. DOOLEY
156
on'y wan polisman in town cud take him,
down town doin' th' same f 'r somehe
body/
says. Well, they carried th' corpse
to th' side, an* took th' ball out iv his stomach
an* he's
with a
monkey
shumed.
wrinch, an' th'
game was
ray-
c
Sivin, sixteen, eight, eleven,' says
Saint Aloysius ; an' young Dorgan started to
run down
th' field.
They was
la-ad r-runnin' in fr-front iv
another young
Dorgan
an', as
;
wan
iv th' Christy an Brothers come
up an' got in th' way, this here young Saint
Aloysius grabbed him be th' hair iv th' head
fast as
an' th' sole iv th' fut, an' thrun
shoulder.
I.
c
c
What's
him over
that la-ad doin'
InterferinY says he.
c
I
his
'
?
says
shud think he
c
an' most impudent,' I says.
was,' says I,
*
'Tis such interference as this,' I says, c that
'
breaks up fam'lies ; an' I come away.
<c>
Tis a noble sport, an' I'm glad to see
us Irish ar-re gettin' into it. Whin we larn
it
thruly, we'll teach thim colledge joods fr'm
th' pie belt a thrick or two."
"We
have already," said Mr. Hennessy.
"They'se a team up in Wisconsin with a
ON FOOTBALL
157
name iv Jeremiah Riordan f 'r
wan named Patsy O'Dea behind
They come down here, an' bate th'
fr'm th' Chicawgo Colledge down be
la-ad be th'
cap'n, an'
him.
la-ads
th'
Midway."
" Iv
coorse, they did/ said Mr. Dooley.
" Iv
An' they cud bate
coorse, they did.
collection iv Baptists
out iv a tank."
anny
that iver
come
ON THE NECESSITY OF MODESTY AMONG THE RICH.
"I WONDHER,"
said
thim Hadley-Markhams
th' ball is
CC
I
that's goin' to give
anny kin iv th' aldherman
doubt
knowed
Mr. Hennessy, "if
all
it,"
said
his folks.
"
?
"I
Mr. Dooley.
They're Monaghan
people, an' I niver heerd iv thim marryin'
into th' Hadleys, who come fr'm away be-
What med
yant near th' Joynt's Causeway.
"
ye think iv thim ?
"
I
was
about
readin'
th'
Prowtestant
minister that give thim such a turnin' over
th' other night," said Hennessy.
Then the
went on
Philistire
th'
though
ley-Markhams was
th'
f 'r
"It looks
:
man was
to
me
as
wr-rong, an' th'
Had-
Faith, th'
more
right.
poor can get out iv th' r-rich, th' better
thim.
I seen it
put just r-right in th'
th' other day.
If these people didn't
let go iv their coin here, they'd take it away
with thim to Paris or West Baden, Indiana,
paper
an' spind
it
instid iv puttin*
it
in circulation
MODESTY AND THE RICH
dhressmakers an'
an'
amongst
hackmen
th'
change.
'Tis gr-reat f 'r business."
florists
159
I believe in
they'll have to hire.
encouragin' th' rich to walk away fr'm their
Mr. Dooley mused over
some time before he said
this proposition
:
"Years ago, whin I was a little bit iv a
kid, hardly high enough to look into th'
pot iv stirabout on th' peat fire, they was a
rich landlord in
our part iv Ireland
ownded near half
name was Dorsey,
gerald
th'
;
an'
counthryside.
he
His
Willum Edmund FitzDorsey, justice iv th' peace, mimber
iv Parlymint.
cc
I'll
niver
man had
tell
in his
ye how much land that
Ye cud walk
r-right.
own
f 'r a day without lavin'
it,
bog
an' oat-field
He
was
presarves.
smothered with money, an' he lived in a
an' pasthure an'
house
game
Audjitoroom Hotel.
Manny's th' time I've seen him ride by
our place, an' me father'd raise his head
from th' kish iv turf an' touch his hat to
th' gr-reat man.
An' wanst or twict in th'
as
big as
th'
MR. DOOLEY
160
month
dogs'd come yelpm' acrost our
with
lads follerin' afther in r-red
place,
coats ; f 'r this Dorsey was a gr-reat huntsth'
little
man, bad scran to his evil face.
"He had th' r-reputation iv
landlord so long as th' crops
He
was
good
regular.
thrue, an' 'd as lave as
it's
vilent,
bein' a
come
not cut a farmer acrost
th'
face
with
his
whip f'r crossin' th' thrail iv th' fox; but
he was liberal with his money, an', Hinnissy,
that's
sins.
a
thrait
He
that
give
covers a multitude iv
freely
to
th*
church, an'
was as gin'rous to th' priest as to th' parHe had th' gintry f'r miles around
son.
to his big house f'r balls an' dinners an'
huntin' meetin's,
keepers in
th'
an'
half th'
little
neighborin' town
shop-
lived
on
money he spent f'r th' things he didn't
I mind
bring fr'm Dublin or London.
th'
wanst a great roar wint up whin he stayed
th' whole season in England with his fam'ly.
It near
broke
th'
townsfolk, an' they were
wild with delight whin he
opened up th' big house.
come back
an'
MODESTY AND THE RICH
161
" But wan
year there come a flood iv rain,
an' th nex' year another flood, an' th' third
year there wasn't a lumper turned
wasn't blue-black to th' hear-rt.
betther off than most, an'
share,
Gawd knows
;
that
was
suffered our
thim that was
but
sod f 'r a bare
scrapin' th'
we
up
We
livin'
fr'm day to
day perished like th' cattle in th' field.
"Thin come th' writs an' th' evictions.
Th'
cattle
bailiffs
an'
dhrove out
turnin'
wud
Nawthin'
in
squads, seizin'
people into
th'
r-road.
soften th' hear-rt iv Dorsey.
I seen th'
priest an' th' 'Piscopal ministher
dhrivin' over to plead with him wan night;
th'
good man stopped at our house,
comin' back, an' spent th' night with us.
I
heerd him tell me father what Dorsey said.
an'
Haven't I been lib'ral with me people?' he
says. 'Haven't I give freely to ye'er churches ?
Haven't I put up soup-houses an' disthrib-
'
uted blankets whin
Haven't
th'
weather was cold
?
kept
shopkeepers iv th' town
beyant fr'm starvin' be thradin' with thim an'
stayin' in this cur-rsed counthry, whin, if I'd
I
th'
MR. DOOLEY
162
done what me wife wanted, I'd been r-runnin*
around Europe, enj'yin' life? I'm a risidint
estate in th'
me
Kilduff, that laves his
I ain't like
landlord.
die; but
I'm proud iv
agint.
was bor-rn here, an' here I'll
have me r-rights. These here
hands iv an
station.
I'll
I
people owes
their rent, an* I'll get th' rent or
th' farms if I have to call on ivry rig'mint
fr'm
Bombay
oat-field
to
into a
stand on th' law.
Cape
Clear, an' turn ivry
pasture
f'r
me
I'm a just man,
cattle.
no more thin what belongs to me.'
"
Ivry night they was a party on th'
a-n' th'
people come fr'm miles around
th'
I
an' I ask
hill,
;
an*
trudgin' over th' muddy roads
peelers behind thim cud see th'
tinants
with th'
light poorin'
out fr'm
th' big
house an' hear
Th'
playin' to th' dancers.
lived in clover, an' thanked th'
Devine's band
shopkeepers
good landlord, an' wan that lived
But one avnin' a black man be
at home.
th' name iv Shaughnessy, that had thramped
lord f'r a
Galway just in time to
rent f'r th' potato rot, wint and hid himself
acrost th' hills fr'm
MODESTY AND THE RICH
163
hedge along th' road with a shotgun
Dorloaded with hardware under his coat.
in a
sey'd heerd talk iv the people bein' aggrieved
at him givin' big parties while his bailiffs
men and women
were hustlin'
in's
;
off their hold-
but he was a high-handed man, an* foolhe'd have it no other
ish in his pride, an*
way but
tion.
that he'd go about without protecThis night he rode alongside th' carJ
redge iv some iv his frinds goin' to th other
side iv town, an' come back alone in th'
Th'
moonlight.
Irish ar-re
Hinnissy, except whin they
but that big
light
on
a
missed thin
poor marksmen,
in platoons ;
loomin' up in th' moonblack horse cud no more be
fire
man
th' r-rock iv Cashel.
He
niver
knowed what hit him an' Pether th' Packer
come down th' followin' month, an' a jury iv
;
shopkeepers hanged Shaughnessy so
med even
"
th'
fast it
judge smile."
cc
Well," said Mr. Hennessy, I suppose
he desarved it; but, if I'd been on th' jury,
I'd've starved to death befure I'd give th'
verdict."
164
MR. DOOLEY
"
Thrue," said Mr. Dooley. "An' DorHe might Ve evicted twinty
sey was a fool.
thousan' tinants, an' lived to joke about it
over his bottle.
'Twas
th'
music iv
th'
on th' hill an' th' lights
th' Galway man seen whin he wint up th'
muddy road with his babby in his arrums
that done th' business f 'r Dorsey."
band
an' th' dancin'
ON THE POWER OF LOVE.
"'TWAS
this
sparring
way/' said Mr. Hennessy,
" Fitz led his
Mr. Dooley.
at
thin he stuck his
right light on head,
in Corbett's hear-rt, an' that was th'
thumb
end
iv
th' fight an* iv
I tol'
ye
how
over
th'
Pompydour Jim.
wud come out. Th' punch
it
hear-rt
done
"Not
Did ye
ness.
Did ye?
lad
if
th'
stove
lid.
th' busi-
see the pitcher iv that lady
to
lose another at
?
champeen
I
know
"As me good
home.
I'll
lady iv th' land
without th' aid iv a
bet five dollars that th'
licks
at
Well, 'twud've gone har-rd with
he'd lost th' fight in th' ring.
He'd have
'tis
"Not
Mr. Dooley.
'Twas Mrs. Fitzsimmons done
all.
th'
th' business."
at all," said
first
it.
frind,
Jawn
a great comfort to have
Sullivan, says,
little
reminders
home near by whin ye're fightin'. Jawn
had none, poor lad an' that accounts f 'r th'
way he wint down at last. Th' home inWhin
floo-ence is felt in ivry walk iv life.
iv
;
MR. DOOLEY
i66
Corbett was poundin' th' first jintleman iv
th' land like a man shinglin' a roof, th' first
lady iv th' land stood in th' corner, cheerin'
on th' bruised an' bleedin' hero. c Darlin'
'
she says, c think iv ye'er home, me love.
c
Think,' she says, iv our little child larnin'
his
c
says,
Don't
New
in
Rahway,
Jersey,'
iv th' love I bear ye,' she
c
an' paste him,' she says, in th' slats.
caddychism
c
she says.
hit
Think
him on
th'
c
jaw,' she says.
He's
But tuck ye'er lovin'
diseased an' achin' ribs,' she
well thrained there.
hooks into
c
says.
his
Ah, love
th'
*
she says,
days iv
happy goolden
we walked
'
!
recall
thim
our coortship, whin
counthry lane in
th'
light iv
c
moon,' she says, an hurl yer maulies into
c
Hit him on th' slats
his hoops,' she says.
th'
'
!
An' Fitz looked over
his shoulder an' seen
her face, an' strange feelin's iv tendherness
an' thinks he to himself:
;
come over him
What is
woman ?
c
she'll
so
good
If
I
as th'
love iv a pure
don't nail this large man,
kick in me head.'
An'
prob'ly
with this sacred sintimint in
his
heart he
ON THE POWER OF LOVE
wan over
wint over an' jolted Corbett
him
lathes that retired
home
to th'
cayed actors.
" 'Twas woman's love that done
nissy.
I'll
make
167
a bet with ye
th'
f 'r de-
it,
Hin-
that, if th'
lady iv th' land had been in th' ring instead iv th' first jintleman, Corbett wudden't
first
have lasted wan r-round.
such a wife as
I'd
that.
lave th' fightin' to her.
more
like her.
we're
bringin'
I'd like to have
do th' cookin', an'
There ought to be
Th' throuble with
up
is
that
th'
fair
th' race
sect,
as
Shakespeare calls thim, lacks inthrest in their
jooty to their husbands. It's th' business iv
men
f 'r
to fight, an' th' business iv their wives
Ye may talk iv th'
to make thim fight.
immyrality iv
'tis
in this
nailin'
way on'y
a
man on
th'
that th' wurruld increases
in happiness an' th' race in strenth.
see
to
annywan
th'
know how
jaw, but
Did ye
other day that wasn't askin'
th'
fight
come out?
They
might say that they re-garded th' exhibition
as brutal an* disgustin', but diwle a wan iv
thim but was waitin' around
th'
corner f 'r
MR. DOOLEY
168
f 'r
th' ray turns, an' prayin'
wan or
other
th'
Father Kelly mentioned th'
iv th' big lads.
said
scrap in his sermon last Sundah.
He
was a disgraceful an* corruptin' affair, an*
he was ashamed to see th' young men iv th'
an inthrest in it in Lent.
parish takin' such
it
Winsdah afthernoon he came
Nice day,' he
down th' sthreet.
But
late
bust-
c
lin'
says.
was poorin' rain. c Fine,' says I. c They
was no parade to-day,' he says. c No,' says
'Too bad,' says he; an' he started to go.
I.
It
c
an' says he
Be th' way,
did that there foul an' outhrajous affray
Thin he turned,
how
in
c
:
Carson City come out?'
c
in th' fourteenth.'
c
dancin' around.
Ye
c
Fitz,' says I,
don't say,' he says,
C
told
.I
Good,' he says.
mornin' at breakfuss that
Father Doyle this
if that red-headed man iver got wan punch at
th'
other lad, I'd bet a
'
dear
!
he says,
say in',' says
ple,
c
laymen
I,
says.
Oh,
what am I sayin' ?
c
what nine-tenths iv
'
an' clargy, are sayin','
Well,' he says,
c
new cassock
c
Afther
C
all,'
I
guess ye're
he says,
c
an'
c
Ye're
th'
peo-
I
says.
right.'
undher
he
all,
ON THE POWER OF LOVE
we're mere brutes
more
;
an'
it
169
on'y takes two lads
brutal than th' rest f 'r to expose th'
Foorce rules th'
sthreak in th' best iv us.
an'
wurruld,
churches
th'
is
empty whin
blood begins to flow/ he says. c It's too
c
Tell me, was Corbad, too bad,' he says.
th'
bett
much
hurted
'
?
he says."
ON THE VICTORIAN
"
AR-RE
"
jubilee
?
ye goin' to cillybrate
asked Mr. Dooley.
"What's
that?"
ERA.
th'
queen's
demanded Mr. Hen-
nessy, with a violent start.
"
To-day," said Mr. Dooley,
cious
"
I
an'
has
Sligo,
some
Victory a,
Majesty
Britain
Queen
years."
don't care if she has
know, but
"Ye
her graiv Great
that part iv Ireland north iv
J
reigned f r sixty long and tire-
snowed f 'r
years," said Mr. Hennessy.
brate it.
She may be a good
I
"
"
I'll
woman
sixty
cilly-
f 'r
all
dam
her pollytics."
needn't be pro-fane about
Mr. Dooley.
not
"
I
on'y ast
it,"
said
ye a civil ques-
F'r mesilf, I have no feelin' on th'
I am not with th'
queen an* I'm
subject.
tion.
not again her. At th' same time I corjally
agree with me frind Captain Finerty, who's
put his newspaper in mournin' f 'r th' ivint.
won't march in
parade, an' I won't put
anny dinnymite undher thim that does. I
I
th'
ON THE VICTORIAN ERA
171
don't say th' marchers an' dinnymiters ar-re
'Tis purely a question iv
not both r-right.
the ixicutive says whin
taste, an', as
candydates
are
mimbers
iv th'
both
*
camp,
Pa-
use their own discreetion.'
"Th' good woman niver done me no
thrites will
har-rm
an',
;
beyond throwin' a rock or two
into an orangey 's procission an' subscribin' to
tin
dollars' worth iv Fenian bonds, I've
threated her like a lady.
Anny gredge I
We're
I
burrid long ago.
iver had again her
both well on in years, an' 'tis no use carrying
About th* time
har-rd feelin's to th' grave.
th' lord chamberlain wint over to tell her
she was queen, an' she came out in her nitey
to hear th' good news, I was announced into
this
wurruld iv
So ye see
sin an' sorrow.
we've reigned about th' same lenth iv time,
an' I ought to be cillybratin' me di'mon' jubilee.
I
wud,
ye r-run
an'
borrow twinty or
"
had anny di'mon's.
Aldherman O'Brien's
too, if I
Do
down
to
thirty f'r
Great happenin's
have
me.
me
an'
Victorya seen in these sixty years.
Queen
Durin'
MR. DOOLEY
172
our binificent prisince on earth th' nations
have grown r-rich an' prosperous.
Great
Britain has ixtinded her
niver sets
owners iv
th'
polis.
on
No
it.
domain until th' sun
more do th' original
they bein' kept movin' be
While she was lookin' on in
th' sile,
England, I was lookin' on in this counthry.
I have seen America
spread out fr'm th' Atlantic to th' Pacific,
the Standard
with a branch
He Comp'ny
office iv
in ivry hamlet.
I've seen th' shackles
so's
dropped fr'm th' slave,
cud
be
he
lynched in Ohio. I've seen
this gr-reat city
desthroyed be
Koven
to
station,
all
but
Sthreet
and thin
th'
fire
fr'm
De
Lake View pumpin'
rise felix-like fr'm its ashes,
West Side, which was not burned.
Jim Mace beat Mike McCool, an'
th'
I've seen
Tom Allen beat Jim Mace, an' somebody
beat Tom Allen, an' Jawn Sullivan beat him,
an' Corbett beat Sullivan, an' Fitz beat
bett; an', if I live to cillybrate
watch-an'-chain jubilee, I may see
put
"
it all
me
Cor-
goold-
some wan
over Fitz.
Oh, what things
I've seen in
me
day an'
ON THE VICTORIAN ERA
Victorya's
iv lithry
an' Bill
Tim
173
Think
!
iv that gran' procission
Tinnyson an* Longfellow
men,
Nye
Ella
an'
Scanlan an'
Wheeler Wilcox
an'
can't
I
an'
name thim
manny. An' th' brave
they're
Von Molkey an' Bismarck an'
gin'rals,
U. S. Grant an' gallant Phil Shurdan an'
all
too
:
Coxey.
An'
Think
thim durin'
iv
me
reign.
steam-injine an' th'
printin'-press an' th' cotton-gin an' the gin
th'
th' invintions,
sour an'
th' bicycle an' th'
machine
th' nickel-in-th'-slot
machine
an' th'
wur-ruk
iv
gisther.
What
made
in
entered
my
flyin'-machine an'
an' th'
sody fountain an'
our civilization
th'
Croker
crownin'
cash
ray-
gr-reat advances has science
time an' Victorya's f 'r, whin we
public
!
life,
it
took three
men
to
watch
th' bar-keep, while to-day ye can tell
within eight dollars an hour what he's took in.
"
Glory be, whin
I
look back fr'm
this
day
iv gin'ral rejoicin' in me rhinestone jubilee,
1
an' see what changes has taken place an
how manny people have
betther
off th' wurruld
died an'
is,
how much
I'm proud
iv
MR. DOOLEY
174
mesilf.
War
occurred in
an' pestilence an' famine
me
but
time,
light compared with
th'
fallen to th' race since I
"
ar-re ye talkin'
What
about
th' Sixth
"
?
th' earth."
cried
with
all
What
these things
Mr.
All this time
this
bar ladlin'
Wa-ard,
haven't been as far east as Mitchigan
in twinty years.
have
that
come on
Hennessy, in deep disgust.
ye've been standin' behind
out disturbance to
count thim
I
binifits
"
have
an'
have ye had to do
"
?
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I had
to do with thim as th' queen."
much
ye
Avnoo
as
ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION.
"
THERE'S some tough knots
question," said Mr. McKenna.
I don't quite catch."
currency
"
in this here
A lot of things
"
said Mr. Dooley.
chism
iv coinage.
Who
reg'lar caddy
made ye ? Gawd made me. Why did he
Cough
thim
up,"
"I'm a
make ye?
F'r to
Him
know Him,
love
Him,
me
That's th' way
days.
iv th' caddychism I learned whin I was a
la-ad behind a hedge ; but now 'tis
an' sarve
all
:
Who
made ye? Ladenburg, Thalman an' ComWhy did they make ye?
p'ny made me.
F'r to know thim, love thim, an' sarve thim
"
all me
O-ho
days.
"That's all r-right," said Mr. Thomas
Larkin, the Kerry horseshoer, who was leaning over the cigar-case, reading what Mr.
Lincoln, Mr. Blaine, Mr. Edward Atkinson,
and Mr. Andrew D. White had to say in
!
a
small
Martin.
pamphlet.
But
"That's
all
ye're talkin' like a
r-right,
Populist
an* an anarchist an* a big bullhead gen'rally.
MR. DOOLEY
176
Ye
up two
bring
or three
man comes
Supposin' a
down on
lays
give
"
How am
fetch
:
I
my
place an'
"
ye're knockin'
"
Mr. Larkin.
Niver
take this here silver dollar, an'
wan with me hammer.
it
here.
me hammer
th' gover'mint."
"
"
I ?
said
I
into
Mr. Dooley,
Thin," said
mind now
But look
th' anvil a silver dollar, an' I
"
a wallop with
it
an' think
Jew men,
Pr to scare us with thim.
What
"
?
happens
"Th' man
ye wan
that give ye th' dollar hands
in th' nose," said Mr. Dooley.
"Not
kin.
"
ured an'
an' I
at all,
bum
hand
flingin' at
"True
lisle
it."
dollar
in
it
Mr. Lar-
me t
;
down
to th' three-asury,
c
an' Carlisle says, What
piece iv
ol'
'
mud
he says.
nawthin' to me.'
Kenna.
all," said
take this here mutilated an' disfig-
I
kind iv an
it's
not at
c
is
Take
"
this
it
ye're
away
:
for you, Larkin," said Mr. Mctrack.
Car-
" You're on the
right
couldn't
take
it
after
you'd smashed
ON THE CURRENCY
177
"
But," said Mr. Dooley, look here if
ye had th' free an* unlimited coinage iv silver at a rat-io iv sixteen to wan, ye cud take
"
:
mass
this here
say,
iv silver
to Carlisle, an*
me
a dollar'; an*
'Here, Jawn, give
he'd have to give
"A
to ye."
dollar of what?" said
it
A dollar iv what "
"
A dollar iv what
ley.
"
Mr. McKenna.
repeated Mr. Doo-
?
ye know what
him out
c
down
Here,
a dollar
?
Man
is ?
alive,
don't
Carlisle'd
hand
He'd say,
a plunk, a case, a buck.
be mala
dam
fool
to
Ye
Larkin, ye
adophted counhave to give ye a dollar because
threatin* th' currincy iv yer
thry, but
ye're a
I
good
fellow
an'
a
frind
iv
Doo-
ley's.'"
"He
said
fifty
wouldn't say anything of the kind,"
"He'd give Larkin
Mr. McKenna.
cents."
" I'd
push his face in if he did," said Mr.
"I 'mas good a ma-an as
Larkin, warmly.
he is anny day.
I'll have no man rob me."
"
But he wouldn't rob you," said Mr. McKenna.
"
Think of
the purchasing power
:
MR. DOOLEY
178
A
dolyou've got to always figure that out.
lar you'd get then would be worth only half
much
as
as
it's
worth now.
It'd
be a dollar
run through the ringer down in
like they
Mexico."
How
"
can
much
as
wan
dollar be worth on'y half
another dollar,
as
dollars an' th'
man
if they're
made thim
that
la-arge?" answered Mr. Dooley.
Wan
a dollar, an' here's a dollar.
both
is
at
"Here's
akels th'
Now
you take this here dollar, an'
into my place.
Give me a brandy
other.
come
*
an' sody,'
"You
Thin what do
ye say.
"
I
say
?
say you're just out of brandy and
soda."
"
a
So
little
I
do,
so
I
do.
Thin you ask
liquor with beer f 'r a chaser.
f 'r
An'
Ye lay down wan iv these
I
give it to ye.
I return
here quartz dollars.
eighty-five
Larkin comes in later, ordhers th'
cints.
same
thing, an' I give
ment.
play no
man
f 'r
"
But,
I
him
th'
same
threat-
Entertainmint
fav-rites.
an' beast."
if
we had
free silver,
thirty cents for the drink," said
you'd charge
Mr. McKenna.
ON THE CURRENCY
"
"
wud
I
Mr. Dooley,
said
not/'
niver overcharged a
cept durin' a campaign."
I
"No
man
it
was," said
But
a rivolution.
me
Let
tell
"
McKenna.
Mr.
would charge the same.
If
my
in
hotly.
life,
ex-
one accuses you of overcharging,"
explained
price."
"
179
I
Everybody
be the regular
Mr. Dooley,
ye wan
standard iv value.
It'd
"
don't believe
they'd be
it,
Jawn.
is
th'
;
an'
Whisky
thing.
It niver fluctuates
funny, too, seein' that so much iv it
fifteen
down.
It was th' same price
goes
cints a slug, two f 'r a quarther
durin' the
that's
war
;
an'
The day
was worth
th'
day
was
th'
fifteen cints
afther.
up wan
same
price afther the war.
before th' crime iv sivinty-three it
it
:
it
was worth
Goold and
th'
same
silver fluctuates,
down another
but whisky
;
day,
stands firm an* strong, unchangeable as th'
skies, immovable as a rock at fifteen or two
f 'r a quarther. If they want something solid
as a standard iv value,
something that niver
is
rajjooced in price, something ye can ex-
MR. DOOLEY
i8o
change f 'r food an' other luxuries annywhere
in th' civilized wurruld where man has a
thirst,
they'd
ternal rivinue
move
th'
Mint over
to th' in-
office, and lave it stay there."
Both Mr. Larkin and Mr. McKenna
were diverted by this fancy.
"There's some good argumints on both
sides iv th' quisthion," said the
"
man
Kerry man.
name of Doyle, a
helper, compare money to th' human lungs."
"
Th' lung argumint is all right," said Mr.
I
heerd a
be
th'
"
Th' whole currency question
Dooley.
matther iv lungs."
is
a
ON POLITICAL PARADES.
MR. HENNESSY,
wearing a silver-painted
stove-pipe hat and a silver cape and carrying
a torch, came in, looking much the worse for
The
wear.
torn,
and
hat was dented, the cape was
there were marks on Mr. Hen-
nessy's face.
"Where ye^been?" asked Mr. Dooley.
"
"
Ma-archin,' said Mr. Hennessy.
th' looks iv ye, ye might have been
" Be
line iv
th'
ma-arch
been doin' things to ye
"
th'
?
had a currency debate with a man be
name iv Joyce, a towny iv mine, in th'
Whin we
got as
me
other.
Give
as a gravel roof."
dhry
Well,"
said
a high glass iv beer.
says,
an
I'm
Mr. Dooley, handing over
ol' man
an', as th' good
the glass, " ye're an
book
wheat
wind, we pushed each
as
u
Mr. Hennessy.
said
far as th' price iv
in th' year iv th' big
I'll
Who's
"
I
Audjiotoroom Hotel,"
"
th' p'rade.
f'r
ol'
fool
;
is
th'
worst yet.
not thry to con-vince ye iv
So
th' error iv
MR. DOOLEY
182
But why anny citizen that has
ye'er ways.
things in his head shud dhress himself
up
sandwich-man, put a torch on his
shoulder, an' toddle over this blessid town
like
a
with his poor round feet, is more than I can
come at with all me intelligence.
"
I
agree with ye perfectly, Hinnissy, that
this here
is
a crisis in
On wan
our histhry.
hand is arrayed th' Shylocks an' th' pathrites,
an' on th' other side th' pathrites an' th'
Th' Constitution must be uparnychists.
held, th' gover'mint must be maintained,
th' down-throdden farmer an' workin'man
must get their rights. But do ye think,
man alive, that ye're goin' to do this be
pourin' lard ile frim ye'er torch down ye'er
spine or thrippin' over sthreet-car tracks like
a dhray-horse thryin' to play circus
?
Is th'
Constitution anny safer to-night because ye
have to have ye'er leg amputated to get
ye'er boot off, or because Joyce has made
ye'er face look like th'
German
back dure-step iv a
resthrant?
"Jawnny Mack took me down
in
th
1
ON POLITICAL PARADES
afthernoon
see th'
f'r to
iv th'
goold men.
cle.
Th'
bugs an'
It
183
monsthrous p'rade
was a glory ous spectacrowded with goold
sthreets were
women
an' polismin an' ambulances.
Th' procission was miles an' miles long.
Labor an' capital marched side be side, or
annyhow labor was in its usual place, afther
was a noble sight f'r to
employer iv workin'men marchin'
ahead iv his band iv sturdy toilers that to
th' capitalists.
see
It
th'
rest thimsilves afther th'
tions iv th'
week was
that dhrilled a hole
layboryous occupaundher banners
reelin'
in
their
stomachs or
carryin' two-be-four joists to show their alleman that
gance to th' naytional honor.
A
has to shovel coke into a dhray or shove
iv th' hole iv a barge or elevate
lumber out
be carryin' a hod iv mort to
a
iv
doesn't march with th'
laddher
top
grace iv an antelope, be a blamed sight.
his profession
th'
To march
mates
;
a
well,
an', if
man's
he has two
have to be
feet
left feet
both runnin'
sideways, he ought to have interference boots
to
keep him fr'm
settin' fire to
his
knees.
MR. DOOLEY
184
Whin
a
man
a leg stuck in th'
th' gait
avenin'
he expected to lave
sthreet behind him, he has
walks as
proper
befure
f'r
if
half-past six o'clock th'
pay-day.
an American
But
not
'tis
th'
makin'
a
prance
glory ous spectacle iv himsilf."
"
They were coerced," said Mr. Hennessy,
iv
citizen
gloomily.
"
Don't ye believe it," replied the philoso"It niver requires coercion to get a
pher.
man
to
make
a
iv himsilf in a prisidoes it as aisily as ye
monkey
He
campaign.
dhrink ye'er liquor, an' that's too aisy. Don't
ye believe thim lads with lumber ya-ards on
dintial
their necks
erced.
an' bar'ls
on
There wasn't wan
their feet
was co-
iv thim that
wud-
den't give his week's wages f 'r a chanst to
show how many times he cud thrip over a
manhole in a mile. No more co-erced than
ye are whin ye r-run down town an' make
an ape
iv ye-ersilf.
I see
fr'm Finucane's with th'
Th' man nex'
that he was no
to ye
slave,
ye marchin' away
Willum
J. O'Briens.
had a banner
'Twa
declarin'
th* la-ad
John-
ON POLITICAL PARADES
He
son.
was
he won't be wan
r-right.
as
He
is
no
185
slave, an'
long as people have washin'
Th' man
see ye takin' a
dhrink with had a banner that said if th'
to give to his wife.
mines was opened
th' mills
I
would be opened,
He
meant be that, that if money was
plenty enough f 'r him to get some without
An' ye
wur-rukin', he'd open a gin mill.
too.
ma-arched afther Willum
ye?
O'Brien, didn't
If I didn't
Well, he's a good la-ad.
J.
wudden't say it until I got me
strenth back or cud buy a gun.
But did
Willum J. O'Brien march?
Not Willie.
think so,
I
He
was on horseback; an', Hinnissy, if
was made out iv Babbit metal, an'
horses was worth sixty-sivin cints a dhrove,
dollars
ye cudden't buy a crupper."
I
"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "annyhow,
proved me hathred iv capital."
"
So ye did," said Mr. Dooley. " So ye
did.
An'
showed
match blisters
capital this afthernoon
Ye ought to
hatred iv ye.
which hates th' worst.
see
home now
Capital
is
its
to
at
with his gams in a tub iv hot
MR. DOOLEY
186
wather
to
;
an,'
oppriss
whin he comes down to-morrah
labor an*
notes, he'll have to
square
go on
all
his
fours.
protisted
As f 'r
you, Hinnissy, if 'twill aise ye anny, ye can
hang f 'r a few minyits fr'm th' gas fixtures.
"
Did th' goold Dimmycrats have a p'rade ?
" But
"
No," said Mr. Hennessy.
they
rayviewed
House.
day procission fr'm th' Pammer
Both iv thim was on th' stand."
th'
ON CHARITY.
"
"
cried Mr. McKenna, entering
BR-R-R
the potstiffly and spreading his hands over
!
bellied stove.
"
It's
cold."
"Not
"Where?" asked Mr. Dooley.
here."
'
It's
cold outside," said
Mr. McKenna.
"It was ten below at Shannahan's grocery
when I went by, and the wind blowing like
all
possessed.
them
that's
Lord love
us, but
I
pity
got to be out to-night."
"
Save ye'er pity," said Mr. Dooley, com"It ain't cowld in here. There's
fortably.
1
frost
on
thin
I'll
king
iv ye.
window, 'tis thrue for ye; an th'
wheels has been singin' th' livelong day.
But what's that to us ? Here I am, an'
there ye are, th' stove between us an' th'
In a minyit it'll bile, an'
kettle hummin'.
th'
make
give ye a taste iv what'll
a
"Well, tubby sure, 'tis thryin' to be
wagon or a sthreet-car but 'tis
all in a lifetime.
Th' difference between me
dhrivin' a coal
;
MR. DOOLEY
i88
an' th'
man
that sets
up
in th' seat
thumpin'
no more thin th'
difference between him an' th' poor diwle
that walks along behind th' wagon with his
shovel on his shoulder, an' '11 thank th' saints
hands
his chest with his
f 'r th'
first
is
chanst to put tin ton iv ha-ard coal
into a cellar f 'r a quarther iv a dollar.
Th'
lad afoot invies th' dhriver, an' th' dhriver
invies
it
me
;
an' I
might invy big Cleveland
if
wasn't f 'r th' hivinly smell iv this here
An' who does Cleveland invy?
noggin.
be sacreliege f 'r me to say.
who was as full iv sayin's
as an almanac, used to sink his spoon into
Sure,
it'd
Me
"
ol* father,
th' stirabout, an' say,
*
Well,
lads, this ain't
bacon an' greens an' porther; but
annything ye
Cassidys.'
it'll
be
like if ye'll on'y think iv th'
Th' Cassidys was
th'
poorest
fam'ly in th' parish.
They waked th' oldest
son in small beer, an' was little thought of.
Did me
father iver ask thim in to share th'
stirabout
est
man
him
?
Not
him.
in th' wurruld.
as big as a
lump
An' he was the kindHe had a heart in
iv turf,
but he'd say,
ON CHARITY
*
189
Whin
ye grow up, take no wan's sorrows to
'Tis th' wise man that
ye'ersilf,' he says.
*
goes through
life
own stomach,
thinkin' iv himsilf,
his
fills
away what he can't
An' he was r-right, Jawn.
We have throubles enough iv our own. Th'
wurruld goes on just th' same, an' ye can find
fifty men to say th' lit'ny f'r ye to wan
an* takes
ate in his pocket.'
give ye what'll relieve a
that'll
fastin'
spit.
ar-re always pop'lar.
I knowed
a society wanst to vote a monyment to a
Th' dead
man
wan
refuse to help his fam'ly,
'Tis cowld outside th'
night.
an'
but
broader
'tis
dure,
in
"
Mr. Dooley's remarks were cut
a cry
in
an'
here;
me ol' age to think that the
between hivin an' hell is no
ye say,
I'm gettin' in
diff'rence
war-rum
all
from the back room.
It
short by
was unmis-
Mr. McKenna turned
amazement as Mr. Dooley
takably a baby's cry.
suddenly
in
bolted.
"
all
Well, in the name of the
saints, what's
this?" he cried, following his friend into
190
the back
MR. DOOLEY
room. He found the
philosopher,
with an expression of the utmost sternness,
sitting on the side of his bed, with a little
of two or three in his arms. The phigirl
losopher was singing
:
Ar-rah rock-a-bye, babby, on
Whin
th'
wind blo-ows,
An', a-whin
An* a-down
th'
ull
th' three top
bough breaks, th' cradle ull
come babby, cradle, an' all.
Then he sang
An'
a
He
mouth
rocked the child to and
Chip, chip, a
little
manny
girl
went
white apron.
crame.
and
its
;
?
tin, sir.
to sleep
He
fro,
same,
sir.
miles to Dublin
Threescure an'
ley's
ma-aid.
:
horse
Chip, chip, again,
little
ma-aid,
fair
like th' roses, an' hair iv th'
crying ceased while he sang
The
fair
like ripe sthrawburries burrid in
How
;
fa-a-a-11,
:
In th' town iv Kilkinny there du-wilt a
In th' town iv Kilkinny there du-wilt a
She had cheeks
:
th' cradle ull r-rock
lifted
on Mr. Dooher tenderly,
ON CHARITY
and
carried her over to his bed.
tiptoed out with an apprehensive
191
Then he
face,
and
"
It's Jawn Donahue's kid that
wandherd away fr'm home, an' wint to sleep
on me dure-step. I sint th' Dorsey boy to
whispered
mother, but he's a long time gone.
ye run over, Jawn, an' lave thim know."
tell th'
Do
:
ON NANSEN.
"I SEE," said Mr. Dooley, "that Doc
Nansen has come back."
"It's a
"Yes," said Mr. McKenna.
wonder he wouldn't stay till winter. ..If I
was setting on an iceberg in latitude umpty-
ump
north of Evanston
me
couldn't pry
off
it
these days, they
with a crowbar.
Not
they."
"
He
had to come back," explained Mr.
"
He got as far as he cud, an'
Hennessy.
thin he was foorced be th' inclimincy iv th'
weather to return to his
Norway."
"
To where
"
?
home
in Feechoold,
Mr. Dooley asked con-
temptuously.
" To
Foocheeld, Norway," said Mr.
nessy, with some misgivings.
"
Ye
Hen-
know what ye're talkin' about,"
" Ye
philosopher.
ought to go
don't
retorted the
back to school an' study gee-ography. Th'
place he come back to was Oostook, Norway, between Coopenhaagen an'
Park."
an'
Rogers
ON NANSEN
"
"
Maybe
ye're right," said
Annyhow, he come
must
It
bear.
iv
193
Mr. Hennessy.
back, chased be a polar
been a
thrillin'
experience,
with
a polar
fr'm
to
leppin'
iceberg,
iceberg
bear grabbin' at th' seat iv his pants, an' now
an' thin a walrus swoopin'
an' munchin' his hat."
"
What
ta-alk
"A walrus
manded.
"What
does
"
Hennessy.
"
A
have ye
down
"
?
don't
fr'm a three
Mr. Dooley de-
fly,
foolish
man
he do, thin?" asked Mr.
"
'round on crutches ?
Go
walrus," said
Mr. Dooley,
"
is
an ani-
but more like
mal something
like a hor-rse,
a balloon.
doesn't walk, swim, or
It rowls
It
"
!
whin pur-suin'
its
prey.
fly.
It whirls
'round an' 'round at a speed akel to a railroad injine, meltin' th' ice in a groove behind
it.
Tame
walruses are used be th' Eskee-
old settlers iv thim parts, as lawnmyoos,
mowers an' to press their clothes. Th' wild
th'
walrus
is
a mos' vicious animal, which feeds
on snowballs through
out iv nights afther
for-rms
its
th'
artic
principal diet.
day, an' thin goes
explorers, which
Theyse a gr-reat
MR. DOOLEY
194
demand among
walruses
Swedes preferred
;
scarcity iv this food
an'
it
f'r artic
on
isn't
explorers,
iv th'
account
more than wanst
in twinty years that th' walrus gets a
square
meal.
Thin he devours his victim, clothes,
collar-buttons, an' all."
"I had
"Well, well," said Mr. Hennessy.
no idee they was that ferocious. I thought
Don't they lay
they were like bur-rds.
eggs?"
"
"
Don't they lay eggs ? Mr. Dooley re" Don't
Did ye iver
they lay eggs ?
plied.
hear
th' like iv that,
me
Why, ye gaby,
does a pianny lay
know what
the objict of these
as well
Jawn
ask
ye might
Iv coorse not."
eggs.
"
I'd like to
?
here arctic explorations is," interposed
McKenna, in the interests of peace.
"
Mr.
Th'
principal objict is to get rid iv an
over-supply iv foolish people," said Mr.
Dooley. "In this counthry, whin a man be-
gins
up
see sthrange things, an' hitch
cockroaches, an' think he's Vanderbilt
f'r
to
dhrivin' a four-in-hand,
we
sind
him
to
what
ON NANSEN
me
ol'
lege.
sind
195
frind Sleepy Burk calls th' brain colBut in Norway an' Sweden they
him
to th'
North Pole,
an' feed
him
to
A
man that
th' polar bears an' th' walruses.
scorches on a bicycle or wears a pink shirt
or is caught thryin' to fry out a stick iv dinnymite
is
given a boat an'
Flora an' Fauna in th'
in a kitchen stove
sint off to play with
frozen North."
"That's what I'd like to know," said Mr.
"
Who ar-re these Flora an'
Hennessy.
Fauna?
I
see be th' pa-aper that Doc
Nansen stopped at Nootchinchoot Islands,
an' saw Flora an' Fauna
an' thin, comin'
back on th' ice, he encountherd thim again."
"
"
I
suppose," said Mr. Dooley, ye think
Flora an' Fauna is two little Eskeemy girls
;
at
skip-rope
down
an'
'
London
bridge
is
fallin'
'
on th' icebergs an' glaziers. It's a
idee
pretty
ye have iv th' life in thim parts.
Little Flora an' little Fauna playin' stooptag aroun' a whale or rushin' th' can f 'r their
poor tired father just home fr'm th' rollinmills,
where
he's
been makin' snow-balls f 'r
MR. DOOLEY
196
export thrade, or engagin' in some other
Go wan with ye "
spoort iv childhood
th'
!
"
"
!
"
But who
I
make
are they, annyhow?
it a rule in me life not to discuss
anny woman's
charac-ter," replied
"If Doc Nansen was
ley, sternly.
skylarkin' with Flora an' Fauna,
business, an' I
a
lady,
be
Mr. Doo-
make no
she
iver
off there
it's
A lady's
inquiries.
so
humble
own
his
;
an',
as
Shakespeare says, cursed be th' man that'd
raise an ax to her, save in th' way iv a joke.
We'll
talk
no scandal
in this house,
Hin-
nissy."
But, after his friend had gone, Mr. Dooley
leaned over confidentially, and whispered to
Mr. McKenna,
"
Fauna, Jawn ?
"
But who
are
Flora an'
"
I don't know," said Mr. McKenna.
" It
sounds mighty suspicious, annyhow,"
"
I
said the philosopher.
hope th' doc'll be
able to square it with his wife."
ON A POPULIST CONVENTION.
"
KEEP
eye
ye'er
on
th'
Pops, Jawn.
They're gr-reat people an' a gr-reat pa-arty.
What is their principles? Anny oP thing
Some
that th' other pa-arties has rijected.
thim is in favor iv coining money out iv
iv
baled hay ran' dhried apples at a ratio iv sixteen to wan, an' some is in favor iv coinin'
Thim
on'y th' apples.
Others want
th'
are th' inflationists.
gover'mint to divide up the
rivinues equally among all la-ads that's too
Th' Pops is again th'
sthrong to wurruk.
banks an' again the supreme court an again
havin' gas that can be blowed out be th'
human lungs.
sthrong section is devoted
A
to th' principal iv separatin'
fr'm his money.
"A
ma-an be
Mark Hanna
name
iv Cassidy, that
thravels f 'r a liquor-house, was in to see me
this mornin' ; an' he come fr'm Saint Looey.
He
of.
th'
said
it
Whin
beat
th'
th'
all
he iver see or heerd
con-vintion
chairman says,
*
come
tell
to ordher,
La-ads, we'll open pro-
MR. DOOLEY
198
ceedin's be havin' th' Hon'rable
Rube
fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv
Okalahoma,
Spike,
"
cough up his famous song,
Pa-pa Clevec
Teeth
are
with
filled
Goold."
Mr.
land's
'
Chairman,' says a delegate fr'm New Mexc
ico, risin' an' wavin' his boots in th' air, if
th' skate fr'm
Okalahoma
allowed f 'r to
is
belch anny in this here assimblage, th' diligates fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv New Mexico'll
lave th' hall.
We
have,' he says,
'
in
Hon'rable Lafayette Hadley,
he
notes,'
says, 'falls as sweetly on th'
he says, as th' plunk iv hivin's rain in
our mist
th'
whose
'
ear,'
a bar'l,' he says.
'
If anny wan has a hemor-
rhage iv anthems in this hall, it'll be Lafe
Hadley, th' Guthrie batsoon,' he says. 'Ye
shall
he says, c press down upon our
this
cross iv
brows,' he says,
not,'
bleedin'
'
'Ye shall not crucify th'
fr'm
th'
diligates
imperyal Territ'ry iv New
Mexico on this cross iv a Mississippi nigger
an' Crow
Injun fr'm Okalahoma,' he says.
thorns,' he says.
Thereupon, says me frind Cassidy, th' New
Mexico diligation left th' hall, pursued be
th'
diligation from Okalahoma.
ON A POPULIST CONVENTION
"
Th' chairman knowed
his business.
199
*
In
*
ordher,' he says, that there may be no disI will call upon th' imordher,' he says,
'
peryal
States/ he
says, 'an Territ'ries,'
he
'
beginnin' with th' imperyal State iv
Alabama,' he says, to each sind wan singer
says,
'
*
to th* platform,' he says, f 'r to wring our
hear-rts with melodies,' he says.
Mean'
who have differences
on
anny questions can pro-cure
opinyon
'
time,' says he, pathrites
iv
ex-helves
be
applyin'
'
to
th'
sergeant-at-
arms,' he says.
Now,' he says, if th' gintleman fr'm th' imperyal State of Mizzoury'll hand me up a cheek full iv his eatin'
'
tobacco,' he says, 'we'll listen to
G. Rannycaboo,
th'
Willyum
boy melodjun
iv
th'
imperyal State iv Alabama,' he says, 'who'll
discoorse his well-known ballad, Th' Su'
preme Court
is
Full iv Standard He,' he
says.
"
Whin th' singin' had con-eluded, so me
frind Cassidy says, th' chair announced that
speakin' would be in ordher, an' th' con-vintion rose as wan man.
Afther ordher had
MR. DOOLEY
200
been
be
enforced
movin' round,
hoe, a
tall
sergeant -at -arms
th'
lammin'
an'
man was
diligates with a
seen standin' on a chair.
F 'r some moments
th'
chairman was enable
to call his name, but he fin'lly found a place
F'r
to spill ; an' in a clear voice he says,
'
what purpose does
State iv
imperyal
gintleman fr'm
th'
Texas
'
arise
'
I
?
the
arise,'
'
says th' ma-an, f 'r th' purpose iv warnin'
this con-vintion that we have a goold-bug in
our
out
*
mist,'
'
*
!
he says.
Search him
Cries
'
*
!
iv
*
Throw him
Hang him
'
!
arose.
In wandhrin' through th' hall, I just seen a
Great excitewith a coat on,' he says.
man
says me frind Cassidy; an' th'
thremblin' victim was brought down th' aisle.
ment ensood,
4
What
th'
'
have ye to say f 'r ye'ersilf ? demands
chairman in thundhrin' tones.
On'y
'
'
I wandhered in
says th' goold-bug.
I am not
here, lookin' f 'r frinds,' he says.
I
me
a goold-bug,' he says.
wear
coat,' he
this,'
'
'
*
says,
*
because
I
have no
says th'
Gintlemen/
has been made,' he
shirt,'
*
he
says.
a mistake
chairman,
says. 'This here person,
ON A POPULIST CONVENTION
201
who
all
bears th' appearance iv a plutocrat, is
He's a diliright underneath,' he says.
*
gate to th' silver convintion,' he says.
*
Go
in peace,' he says.
"
Be this time 'twas gr-rowin' late, an' th'
convintion
says th'
*
*
chairman,
on account
Before ye lave,'
have to announce that
adjourned.
iv
th'
I
chairman of the comity
havin' been imprisoned in a foldin'-bed an'
th' sicrity havin' mistook th' fire
extinguisher
f 'r a shower bath, they'll be no meeting' iv
th' comity on rules till to-morrow
night.
Durin'
th' interval,'
he says,
continue ketch-as-ketch
'
can,'
th' convintion'll
he says."
"
"
Well," said Mr. McKenna, to think of
taking this here country out of the hands of
William C. Whitney and Grover Cleveland
and J. Pierpont Morgan and Ickleheimer
Thalmann, and putting it in the hands of
What do you think about it ? "
such men.
"
I
lied"
think," said
Mr. Dooley,
"
that Cassidy
ON A FAMILY REUNION.
"
WHY
aren't you out attending the reun"
Mr. McKenna
ion of the Dooley family ?
asked the philosopher.
"
Thim's no rel-ations to me," Mr. Dooley
"
Thim's farmer Dooleys. No
answered.
wan iv our fam'ly iver lived in th' counthry.
We live in th' city, where they burn gas an'
have a polis foorce to get on to. We're no
We belong to th'
farmers, diwle th' bit.
Thim must be th' Ferindusthreel classes.
Dooleys, a poor lot, Jawn, an'
on
always
good terms with th' landlord, bad
ciss to thim, says I.
We're from Roscommon. They'se a Dooley family in Wixford
managh
wan near Ballybone that belonged to th'
I met him but wanst.
'Twas
constabulary.
an'
an iviction
at
me,
back
ye'er
me
;
an',
though he didn't know
inthrajooced mesilf be landin' him
iv th' ear with a bouldher th' size iv
I
two
fists
together.
aftherwards, ayether.
niver had but
"We
He
didn't
wan reunion
know
iv th'
ON A FAMILY REUNION
203
fam'ly, an' that was tin years ago.
cousin Felix's boy Aloysius,
him that
aftherwards wint to New York an* got a
good job dhrivin' a carredge f 'r th' captain
Dooley
Me
he was full iv pothry an'
iv a polis station,
an'
he
come
around wan night, an'
things ;
'
says he,
'
D'ye know,' he
th' hite iv a
says,
'twud
be
thing f 'r th' Dooleys to
good
have a reunion,' he says. 'We ought to
come together,' he says, an' show the people iv this ward,' he says, how sthrong we
*
'
are,'
Ye might do
*
he says.
*
buck,' says
I
on
'
says.
it,
I,
it
betther,
me
shovellin' slag at th' mills,'
if ye'er mind's set
But annyhow,
go ahead,'
I
'
says,
havin' th' polis there,'
I
an'
*
says,
I'll
attind to
f 'r
I
have a
dhrag at th' station.'
"
Well, he sint out letthers to all th' Roscommon Dooleys ; an' on a Saturdah night
we come
together in a rinted hall an' held th'
reunion.
'Twas great sport f'r a while.
us hadn't spoke frindly to each
Some
iv
other f'r twinty years, an' we set around an'
toP stories iv Roscommon an' its
green
MR. DOOLEY
204
pot that was niver
filled, an* th' blue sky overhead an* th' boggy
Which Dooley was it
ground undherfoot.
th' stirabout
an'
fields,
*
that
'
Pat.'
Mike.
F'r
Ye
th'
hamsthrung
Naw such
I
cows?
thing
'
*
Mike Dooley 's
'twas Pat Dooley's
:
mane Pat Dooley's Mike's
Pat.'
with us as with th' rest iv our people.
take th' Dutchman
he has as manny
'tis
:
names
to give to his childher as they'se nails
in his boots, but an Irishman has th' pick iv
on'y a few.
knowed
I
man
a
iv Clancy,
fifteen childher
c
says,
'
saints?
c
I.
be
th'
whin
th'
name
He
fr'm Kildare.
an',
;
man
a
las'
had
come, he
Dooley, d'ye happen to know anny
c
None iv thim thrades here,' says
'
Why?
th' house,'
run out iv
says
he says;
all th'
wan don't come
c
I.
They'se a new kid
c
an',
saints I
to
me
be
me
knew,
an', if
assistance,
at
troth, I've
I'll
some-
have to
turn th' child out on th' wurruld without th'
rag iv a
"
But
They
name
to his back,' he says.
was
ye about
was lashins iv dhrink an'
I
an' Felix's
tellin'
boy Aloysius
th'
reunion.
story-tellin',
histed a banner he
ON A FAMILY REUNION
205
Dooley aboo' painted on it.
But, afther th' night got along, some iv us
begun to raymimber that most iv us hadn't
Mrs. Morgan
frinds
f'r
been
long.
had made with
c
Dooley, she that was Molly Dooley before
she married Morgan, she turns to me, an'
*
says
sthrange they let in that
that Hogan
woman,' she says,
iv
her
husband's
bein'
th'
wife
Jawn,
she,
Hogan
woman,
'Tis
She heerd her say
brother.
it,
an' she says,
have ye to undherstand that no wan
iver come out iv Roscommon that cud hold
*
I'd
up
c
their heads with th'
'Tis not
fr
ye to slandher a
landed gintry iv Ireland,
th' likes iv
fam'ly that's iv th'
an' f'r
two pins I'd
she says.
Hogans,' she says.
hit
ye a poke in
If it hadn't been f'r
me
th' eye,'
bein' be-
tween thim, they'd have been trouble;
What is it
they was good frinds wanst.
good book says about
a
woman
f'r
th'
scorned?
Faith, I've forgotten.
" Thin
me
uncle
Mike come
in, as rough
hands on a polisman.
Felix Dooley was makin' a speech on th'
a
man
as
iver
laid
MR. DOOLEY
206
c
vartues iv th' fam'ly.
Th' Dooleys/ says
c
can
stand
before
all
th' wurruld, an' no
he,
man can say ought agin ayether their honor
c
or their integrity/ says he.
throwin' that at ye,' says
c
stole a
me
saw fr'm
me
We
c
c
Th' saw
uncle Mike,
me
point
aboo
motto, "Dooley
that's
in th' year sivinty-frve.'
Felix paid no attintion to
but wint on,
Th' man
aboo,' says
me
uncle Mike,
proudly to
th'
Dooley P river."
Th'
uncle Mike.
*
c
stood beside Red
Dooleys,' says Felix,
O'Neill
whin
he cut aff his hand,
; an',
Hugh
c
He didn't cut it off with anny wan
'
else's saw,' says
an old
says
uncle Mike.
'
uncle Mike.
ye stole it.'
" c Now look
*
They'se
c
An' ol' saw,'
But 'twas new whin
wint on Felix.
sayin','
me
me
c
here,' says Aloysius,
this
'Tis an outrage
thing has gone far. enough.
that this here man shud come here f'r to insult th'
head
what fam'ly
up
as
fam'ly,'
?
says
hot as
he
c
iv th' fam'ly.'
Th' head
iv
'
Morgan Dooley, jumpin'
c
fire.
c
says,
be
I'm
th'
right
head iv
iv
th'
histhry.'
ON A FAMILY REUNION
'Ye're an
c
Ye're
an'
cow/ says me uncle Mike.
me hand
all livin'
an
1
th'
sowl iv
me
fut
c
I
says.
quit ye/ he says.
here undher assumed names' ;
ye/ he
to all iv
c
ol'
Th' back iv
207
he wint out, followed be Morgan Dooley
with a chair in each hand.
"Well, they wasn't two Dooleys in th'
speak whin th' meetin' broke up an'
th' Lord knows, but I don't to this day,
hall'd
;
who's
th'
know
is
head
that
I
Dooley fam'ly. All
had wan th' nex' mornin'."
iv th'
I
ON A FAMOUS WEDDING.
" YE
see,
"
Jawn," he said 'twas
this
way
:
The Jook iv Marlburrow is a young lad an'
Ye can't think of a jook bein' poor,
poor.
but
'tis
a fact that they'se
thim
that's carryin' th'
yit.
Hinnissy,
iv
Munster;
The Jook
out iv
th'
if
an'
jook.
la-ad
a
ye know what
wan
this
he had his rights,
is
iv
min-
Jook
he's
got.
Marlburrow, whin he come
academy where they had him, he
iv
hadn't a cint to his name.
"They
many
banner at
ain't
manny
Ne'er a wan.
f'r
a
young
Th' thrade is limited; an' this here
wint round night an* day lookin' f'r a
jobs
'Wanted, a young jook, r-ready an'
an' no
willin' to do light family
jookin','
in
a
He was
bad way f'r
sign did he see.
the la-ad's father was dead, th' ol' jook.
He was a fine bucko. He had a divorce
fr'm his wife, an' marrid another an', whin
he died, she marrid somewan else an' took
This was ha-ard on
the roly-boly with her.
sign,
;
;
th' lad.
ON A FAMOUS WEDDING
" But he come iv a noble
race, an*
had reed burruds whin
that
Jawn
wan
their betthers
Did ye
had snowballs.
Ye ought
?
209
iver read histhry,
'Tis betther thin th'
to.
1
Polis Gazette, an near as thrue.
young man come
this
here
wan
iv thim.
Well, Jawn,
fr'm a
gr-eat
a
fine-lookin'
that
la-ad
had
manny
gin'ral,
a mash in his day, an' niver lost money be
Ye'll find
all
about him in
c
Casey's Histhry iv English Misrule in Ire'Tis good
land: Th' Story iv a Crime.'
readin'.
"Th'
marrid a rich woman.
la-ad's father
So ye see he was a natural
An' he begun to luk
bor-rn fi-nanceer.
around him f'r what th' pa-apers calls a
So did
'
his uncle.
financee.'
"He didn't have far
he done
him
'r
it,
whether
he asked
th'
dinnaw how
Gander bilks asked
to go.
th'
I
Ganderbilks.
Annyhow,
'Twas horse an* horse between thim. Th' Ganderbilks had money,
an' he was a jook.
They was wan divorce
on each side. So they imported him over,
'twas arranged.
MR. DOOLEY
210
what they
didn't
man.
assisted immygration.
undher th' head iv skilled
come
They
Th'
it's
neys, though
a
name
count iv wan iv thim
Thin he
a
man
be
A man
be
th'
name
some good Sweedon't like on ac-
I
stealin'
th'
me
name
iv
fa-ather's
Sweeney,
him in f'r disordherly
They got him out with a pull.
r-run
sint f'r lawyers an'
cee's father, an'
business.
thing he done was
first
to get himsilf arristed.
iv Sweeney,
there are
grin'stone,
a polisman,
work-
must've classed him as a do-
mestic servant.
conduct.
He
call
c
f'r his finan-
down
they settled
Well,'
says
Ganderbilk,
'
much
to talk
'
how
c
I '11
d'ye want ? he says.
give ye a
c
c
Goowan,' says th' jook, I cud
millyon.'
get that much marry in' some wan I knew.'
c
Thin how much d'ye want ? says Gander'
bilk.
<
Well,' says th' jook,
<
th' castle
has
to be put in repair. Th' plumbin' is all gone
to th' diwle, an' they'll have to be a new
catch-basin put in,' he says.
calciminin' an' paper-hangin',
tin millyons.'
(
But what do
c
Thin
they'se
well, call
I
it
get out iv
ON A FAMOUS WEDDING
'
it?
th'
says
Gander bilk.
church to see
me
c
Have ye
marrid
says th' jook.
c
Well, here's
No/ says his pappa-in-law.
(
a couple/ says th' jook.
Bring
ye/
a ticket to
'
?
c
frinds with
211
wan
iv ye'er
So Ganderbilk he coughed.
1
They say th jook was that poor he had
to have his coat made out iv what was left
But he was
over fr'm his pants, they do so.
at th' church bright an* early ; an' Ganderbilk he
steps in
was there, too, standin' out on th'
th' cold, combin' his whiskers
with his finhe wears a pair iv sluggers
Afther awhile his daughter, the jook's
gers.
come along; an', seein' the jook,
says she, Pappa/ she says, inthrojooce me
c
to ye'er frind.'
Jook/ says Ganderbilk,
financee,
c
c
shake hands with
c
me
daughther.
She's
An' so they were marrid.
your's/ he says.
"
Well, Jawn," said Mr. Dooley, becom" 'tis a dhroll
an' I
wurruld,
ing serious,
sup-
pose we've got to take th' jooks an' th'
Ganderbilks with the r-rest.
I'm goin' to a
weddin' mesilf nex' week.
been called between
little
Th' banns has
Dalia
Hogan
an*
MR. DOOLEY
212
Tom
Moran. They've been engaged
big
f 'r three year, her wurrkin' in a box facthry
an* him doin' overtime at th' blast.
They've
money enough
ma-an Hogan
about
it las'
break."
to start, an*
a cint.
it'll
not cost oP
But, whin he spoke
night, he cried as
if his heart'd
ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND GERMANY.
MR. McKENNA
was aware that a gentle
Mr. Dooley and
feud had existed between
Mr. Schwartzmeister, the German saloonkeeper down Archey Road, for some years.
It
was based upon
racial differences,
but had
been accented when
Mr. Schwartzmeister
put in a pool
no outburst.
table.
Of
course there was
When
the
two met on the
street,
Mr. Dooley
saluted his neighbor cor-
"
Good-nobben, Hair
dially, in these terms :
Schwartzmeister, an' vas magst too yet, me
brave bucko
"
!
To
meister invariably
Mr. Schwartz-
which
retorted :
cc
Py
chapers,
Tooley, where you haf been all der time,
"
But this was mere etiquette.
py chapers ?
In the publicity of their own taverns they
entertained no great regard for each other.
Mr. Schwartzmeister said a friend of his had
been poisoned by Mr. Dooley's beer, and
Mr. Dooley confessed that he would rather
go
to
a harness-shop for
whiskey than to
MR. DOOLEY
214
Mr.
Consequently, Mr.
Schwartzmeister's.
McKenna was amazed
to
Mr.
that
learn
Schwartzmeister had been entertained by the
philosopher,
and that
had
they
Archey Road arm-in-arm
paraded
at a late hour.
"
Tubby sure he was/* said Mr. Dooley.
"Tubby sure he was. Right where ye're
standin' at this moment, me dhrinkin' beer
an* him callin' f 'r hot Irish.
Make it
Make it hot, me frind an
hot/ he says.
we'll make it hot f 'r th' British between us/
c
1
c
;
says Schwartzmeister.
come about this way Ye see Willum
We've got
Joyce come in, an* says he,
thim.'
We've the comitySure/ says I.
Th' Dutch is with us/
man, haven't we ?
I mane
he says.
the Germans is our
cc
It
:
c
c
c
'
c
c
frinds.'
c
c
c
Stuckart
c
Ye're goin' too
was
I.
Reed las' spring.'
Willum Joyce, he says.
Sassenach/ he says.
c
mind ye/ he says,
th'
there/ says
again
No, no/ says
Th' Germans is up
frindly with
far
in
c
c
ar-rms
again
th'
Mind
'tis
ye/ he says,
our jooty to be
Germans/ he
says.
'I'm
ON ENGLAND AND GERMANY
now on me way
me Dutch
Pr to organ-ize a
down be
frinds
215
iv
camp
slough/ he
th'
An* off he goes.
" 'Twas not
long afther whin I heerd a
Th'
Wearin' iv th' Green
man singin'
says.
'
down
th'
meister.
Faugh
polite.
An' we had
"
a ballagh/ says he, meanin'
c
be
to
come Schwartz-
in
an*
sthreet,
c
Lieb
vaterland/
I.
says
a dhrink together.
Veil/ says he (ye know th' murdhrin'
c
way he has iv speakin'), here we are/ he
c
c
says,
frinds at
c
Tooley/ he
c
we're
wan
las'.'
says,
c
Thrue
f 'r ye/ says
he
me
f 'r
calls
are that/ says I.
But, glory be,
th' Irish'd live to see th'
thought
they'd be freed be th'
me
lieber frind/ I says,
th'
imp'ror, hock/ says
he
Dutch?
'
who
We
iver
day whin
Schwartz,
here's a health to
I.
<
Slanthu/ says
we had wan.
" 'Twud be a
great combination/
;
that,
c
to-night, alretty/ he says.
c
I.
an'
c
c
We'd
carry th'
wa-ard be
th'
jority iver heerd iv,' I says.
c
I'd be aldherman.'
says he.
c
says
I.
biggest ma-
We wud
so/
'Afther
me/
MR. DOOLEY
216
c
I
'Tis my turn first/ I says.
says I.
c
don't know about that/ says he.
Now/
c
c
look here, Schwartzmeister/ I says.
'This here arrangement between Germany
I,
says
Ireland
an*
has got to
be brought
down
Do ye f 'rgive
Wa-ard/ I says.
I says.
in
beer
rites
?
th'
we
done
ye
way
do/ says he.
They was befure me time/
c
to th' Sixth
'
th'
c
I
c
'are ye sure ye can get over
th' whalin' ye got whin th' Sarsfield Fife an'
'Well/ says
Dhrum
I,
Corpse met
th'
'
Frederick
Willum
c
I do/ says he.
I says.
Picnic Band ?
'An' ye have no har-rd feelin' about th' way
c
Not a
th' bridges has been give Out ?
'
I
c
says,
they'se
We're both
common
man,
an'
Well/ says I, Schwartz/
wan thing more/ I says.
pathrites/
cause/
I'm
c
c
thrace/ says he.
I
iv' th'
c
says.
we're both again th' Sassenach/
c
have a
freedom
I
I
c
says.
c
But
An'
says.
iv Ireland/ I
pool table.'
"Well, sir, Jawn, he wept like a child.
c
Tooley/ he says, we'll march side be side/
says,
*
I f 'rgive
We
Ye're a Dutch-
other sort/
in th' inthrests iv th'
c
I says.
ye
th'
ON ENGLAND AND GERMANY
he says.
c
says.
217
c
Both iv us in th' front rank/ he
Aldherman Tooley an* Aldherman
Schwartzmeister, to free Ireland/ he says.
But where does Germany come in ? he says.
'
c
'
c
c
Germany! Well, we'll
We'll let
take care iv Germany, all right.
Germans into th' prim'ries/ I says. An*
there an' thin we formed th' Sarsfield-an'-
Germany!
says
Gatty camp.
I,
We
Schwartzmeister.
which name'd
They was my
"
I
is
Gatty
come
a
German
shook
first.
frind iv
dice
to
Ireland
see
won.
dice.
learned Schwartzmeister th' Shan-van-
Voght before we was through
th' German naytional chune be
an' I've got
;
c
heart,
nit wauss allus bay doitan'.
"
have
to drink, Jawn ?
ye
vice
And,
as
his friend
Mr. McKenna went
muttering
:
Freed be the Dutch
thim so
much
What'll
out, he heard
" Freed be
!
lch
th'
Dutch
!
An' we niver give
as a dillygate."
ON ORATORY
"
I
MIND
r-run f'r
th' first
office,
IN POLITICS.
time Willum J. O'Brien
th'
Ray publicans
an'
th'
Indypindants an' th' Socialists an' th' Prohydead now, his name was Lar-
bitionist (he's
nommynated a young man be th' name
Dorgan that was in th' law business in
kin)
iv
Halsted
name,
an'
young
Cologne, to
r-run
Smith O'Brien Dorgan was his
he was wan iv th' most iloquint
la-ads
iv
thrumpet
th'
near
Sthreet,
again' him.
that
iver
his face.
impire iv a base-ball
made
He
a
speakin'
cud holler
game
;
an',
like
whin he
delivered th' sintimints iv his hear-rt, ye'd
think he was thryin' to confide thim to a
man on
top iv a high buildin'.
th' lithry club at th'
iv
prisidint
an* Father Kelly tol'
he
won
th'
me
that, th'
He
was
church;
day afther
debate on th' pen an' th' soord
in favor iv th' pen, they had to hire a carpenter to mend th' windows, they'd
sagged
so.
They
called
Healey's slough.
him
th'
boy
or-rator iv
ON ORATORY
"He
planned
th'
campaign
not re-sort/ says he,
ods/ he
'is to
c
says.
out to spread
"He
himsilf.
I'll
to th' ordin'ry methto do/ he says,
iv th' day to th'
burn up ivry precin't
issues
*
voters/ he says.
in th' ward with
An' he bought
c
219
c
Th' thing
th'
prisint
IN POLITICS
I'll
me iloquince/ he says.
a long black coat, an' wint
th' light.
Th'
ivry where.
talked
people
an' he tol' thim
Finucane's
Hall,
jammed
th' time had come f 'r th' masses to r-rise.
c
c
Raymimber/
says
he,
th'
idees
iv
No-
(
says.
Raymimber Demosthens
c
an' Cicero an' Oak Park/ he says.
Raymimber th' thraditions iv ye'er fathers, iv
vimb'r/ he
Washin'ton an' Jefferson an' Andhrew Jackson an' John L. Sullivan/ he says. c Ye
shall not, Billy
O'Brien/ he says, 'crucify th'
Ward on th' double cross/
voters iv th' Sixth
he says.
He
Sthreet in th'
spoke to a meetin' in Deerin'
same wuruds. He had th'
sthreet-car stopped while he
marks about
boss sint
coughed up
ree-
th'
Constitution until th' bar-rn
down
an' threatened to discharge
MR. DOOLEY
220
Mike Dwyer
dherd an* eight
ferred to
wan hun-
that was dhrivin'
in
thim days, though thrans-
Wintworth Avnoo
He
later on.
made speeches to polismin in th' squadroom
an* to good la-ads hoistin' mud out iv th'
dhraw
at th' red bridge.
quite in th' back room
People'd be
playin'
settin'
forty-fives
whin Smith O'Brien Dorgan'd burst in,
addhress thim on th' issues iv th' day.
"Now
all
this
campaignin' in his
wan speech.
time
O'Brien was
Bill
own way.
No wan knew
an'
He
niver
med
whether he was
a tariff or again wan, or whether he
sthud be Jefferson or was knockin' him, or
whether he had th' inthrests iv th' toilin'
f'r
masses at hear-rt or whether he wint to mass
But he got th' superintindint
an' he put
with him
three or four good faml'ies to wurruk in th'
gas-house, where he knew th' main guy, an'
he made reg'lar calls on th' bar-rn boss iv
at all, at all.
iv th' rollin'-mills
th'
sthreet-ca-ars.
;
He
wint to
th'
picnics,
an' hired th' or-chesthry f'r th' dances, an'
voted himsilf
th'
most pop'lar man
at th'
ON ORATORY
church
at
fair
IN POLITICS
an expinse iv at
221
five
laste
hundherd dollars. No wan that come near
him wanted f 'r money. He had headquarthers in ivry saloon fr'm wan end iv th'
ward
his pitcher, an'
th'
All th' pa-apers printed
to th' other.
sthud by him as
poor.
"Well, people
liked to hear
Dorgan
at
but afther a few months they got on-
first,
He
aisy.
had a way iv breakin' into
gatherin's that was
He
th' frind iv
delayed wan
enough
festive
to thry a saint.
prize fight two hours, en-
couragin' th' voters prisint to
stand be their
in
principles, while th' principles sat shiverin'
their cor-rners until th' polis r-run him out.
It got so that men'd bound into alleys whin
he come up
th' sthreet.
business rayfused to let
People in
th' liquor
him come
into their
His fam'ly
et in th' coal-shed f 'r
and Willum
O'Brien wint
places.
fear iv his speeches at supper.
talkin',
handin' out th'
gas
company
whin
iliction
J.
dough
He
wint on
that he got fr'm th'
an' con-ciliatin' th' masses
day come,
on
th'
judges
;
an',
an' clerks
MR. DOOLEY
222
was
all f 'r O'Brien, an*
Dorgan didn't get
votes enough to wad a gun. He sat up near
night in his long coat, makin' speeches to
himsilf ; but tord mornin' he come over to
all
my
place where O'Brien sat with his la-ads.
Well/ says O'Brien,
c
he says.
Whin
suit ye?'
c
says Dorgan.
Willum
know,' he says,
c
c
says.
is
c
he says,
he
c
says.
dherstand
on
th'
back
Well,' says Dorgan,
it,'
he
c
says.
I
med
th'
jority,'
'
says.
Have
a
he
Sixth
They
love
iv a dollar,'
c
can't
I
as
un-
manny
three thousan' speeches,' he says.
c
says Willum J. O'Brien, that was
he
I
roly-
earth,'
in
a fine people,' he says.
c
th'
on
Th' American nation
th' eagle,'
says."
Not
J. O'Brien.
that
th' gr-reatest or-rator
is
Ward
says
all,'
it
ye've been in politics as long as
have, ye'll
boly
how does
It's sthrange,'
sthrange at
c
c
f
as
Well,'
my
ma-
dhrink,'
he
ON CHRISTMAS
GIFTS.
THE
approach of Christmas is heralded in
Archey Road by many of the signs that are
known to the less civilized and more pros-
The
people look
poorer, colder, and more hopeful than at
The bakeries assume an old
other times.
perous parts of the
city.
The saloons
country appearance of gayety.
if
have
are well filled.
Also,
you
your eyes
about you, you may catch a glimpse, now
and then, through a frosted window-pane of
a stunted Christmas tree, laden slenderly with
glass balls and ropes of red popcorn, the
work of painful hands after the childher are
abed.
Mr. Dooley knew Christmas was
coming by the calendar, the expiration of his
quarterly license, and Mr. Hennessy coming
in with a doll in his pocket and a
rockingchair under his arm.
" Prisints
"Yis,"
"
?
said the philosopher.
Mr. Hennessy. "I had to
med up me mind this year that I
said
do it. I
wudden't buy anny Chris'mas
prisints
or
MR. DOOLEY
224
take
anny.
can't afford
I
been
fearful ha-ard, an' a
over
th'
oP woman's
fifty cints
I
give
it
look iv
whin I hold out
fr'm me salary on Saturdah night.
out that I didn't want annything,
but they'se so
hidin'
Times has
pain comes
it.
face
much
things whin
I
scurryin' ar-round an'
go in that I know
I cudden't
they've got something f 'r me.
stand it no longer, so I wint down town to-
night, down be Shekel an'
an' bought these things.
Whooper's
This
is
place,
a fine doll
f 'r th' money."
"It
is,"
said
Mr. Dooley, taking
the
and examining
with the eye of an art
"It closes its eyes,
yis, an', bedad,
cries if ye punch it.
They're makin' these
doll
it
critic.
it
things more like human bein's ivry year.
An' does it say pap-pah an' mam-mah, I
"
dinnaw?
"
"
No," said Mr. Hennessy, th' pap-pah
an* mam-mah dolls costs too much."
"Well," continued Mr. Dooley, "we
can't have ivrything we want in this wurruld.
If
I
had
me
way, I'd buy goold watches an*
ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS
225
chains f 'r ivrybody in th' r-road, an' a few
good Germans. I feel that gin'rous.
But 'tis no use. Ye can't give what ye want.
iv th'
little
Ivry
boy
an* ivry little
ixpects a pony at Chris'mas,
a chain an' locket ; an*
girl
man
thinks he's sure goin' to get th'
goold-headed cane he's longed f 'r since he
ivry
come
But they
over.
all
fin'lly
land
on
rockin'-horses an' dolls, an' suspindhers that
r-run pink flowers into their shirts an' tattoo
thim in summer. An' they conceal their
grief Chris'mas
mornin' an'
look
thry to
murdher in their hearts.
" Some wan has
always give me a Chris'mas prisint, though no wan has anny r-right
to.
But no wan iver give me annything I
pleasant with
cud wear or ate or dhrink or smoke or
me
hair with.
give me,
at
me
me
I've
had
flasks iv
that have lashin's iv
elbow day an' night;
an',
curl
whisky
whisky
whin I
opined thim, blue an' yellow flames come out
an' some iv th' stuff r-run over on th' flure,
an' set fire to th' buildin'.
five-cint see-gar that
I
money
smoke
th' best
can buy
;
yet,
MR. DOOLEY
226
whin
a
frind
good
mine
iv
wants
to
make me a prisint f 'r Chris'mas, he goes to a
harness shop an' buys a box iv see-gars with
excelsior
I
smoked wan
arson.
a
an' burlap wrappers, an', if
an* lived, I'd be arristed f 'r
fillin's
I
lady,
got a pair iv suspinders wanst fr'm
an'
I
niver mind her name,
wurruked hard that day
moved back into me, an'
an' th' decorations
;
I
out with pumice stone.
had
to take
didn't
I
thim
lose th'
weeks an' weeks.
wanted a watch more thin
taste iv th' paint f 'r
"
Wan
year
annything in
I
th'
wan that
made it a
wurruld.
I
talked watches
thought had designs on
me. I
pint to ask me frinds what
time iv night it was, an' thin say, c Dear me,
I
ought to get a watch if I cud affoord it.'
I used to tout people down to th'
jooler's
to ivry
I
window with
shop, an' stand be th'
look in
th'
eyes iv
me,
as
much
a
hungry
as
to say,
c
If I don't get a watch, I'll perish.' I talked
watches an' thought watches an' dhreamed
Father Kelly rebuked me f'r
watches.
bein' late f'r mass.
(
How
can
I
get there
ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS
before th' gospil, whin
time
'
is ?
it
says
ye'er watch
says
'
c
I.
I
Why
c
he says.
?
I
Did he give me
I.
he did not.
made me
He
sint
me
wan rnan
I
don't ye luk at
haven't none,'
a watch?
a
smell like a coon
a State Sthreet ca-ar.
227
don't know what
Faith,
box
iv soap that
goin' to a ball in
got a necktie fr'm
wore it to a meetin' iv
Char' table Society,
Hebrews'
Young
That man wanted
they'd've thrun me out.
me to be kilt. Another la-ad sint me a silk
handkerchief that broke on me poor nose.
Th' nearest I got to a watch was a hair chain
;
an', if I
th'
that unravelled, an'
made me look
as if I'd
been curryin' a Shetland pony. I niver got
what I wanted, an I niver expect to. No
wan does."
"
get ye what ye want," said Mr. Hendon't
"if
nessy,
ye'll tell me what it is, an' it
I'll
cost too
much."
"
"
Will ye ?
said Mr. Dooley, eagerly.
"I will," said Mr. Hennessy, "if
within
me
means."
"Ye're jokin'," said Mr. Dooley.
'tis
MR. DOOLEY
228
"
u
"
I'm not.
Do
I
I
mane
ye, honest
so."
it."
"
?
do
"Thin," said Mr. Dooley, "get me th
"
I've wanted that to play
Audjitooroom.
1
with f 'r
manny
years."
And Mr. Hennessy went away
with the
rocking-chair under his arm, the doll in his
pocket, and
dumb
anger in his heart
ON ANARCHISTS.
a> Tis ha-ard bein' a
king these days,"
"
said Mr. Dooley.
Manny's th' man on a
d brought him up
father'
his
throne wishes
a cooper, what with wages bein' docked be
r-runnin'
parlymints an' ragin' arnychists
wild with dinnymite bombs undher their
ar-rms an' carvin'-knives in their pockets.
"
Onaisy, as
wears a crown.
Hogan
says,
is
th'
head that
They'se other heads that're
but ye don't hear iv thim. But
onaisy, too ;
a man gr-rows
in
up
wan
iv
thim
furrin*
counthries, an' he's thrained f 'r to be a king.
Hivin may've intinded him f 'r a dooce or
a jack, at th'
same
line
brokin'
as
that
pawnbroker's
most
his
way.
son
;
but he has to follow
father.
'Tis
Ye
niver
doin'
like
th'
pawn-
heerd iv a
annything
else.
Wanst
sons
Other men's
a king, always a king.
in
a
a
shirt
thrunk, an'
may pack away
go out into th' wurruld, brakin' on a freight
or ladin' Indyanny bankers up to a shell game.
But a man that's headed f 'r a throne can't
MR. DOOLEY
23 o
He's got to take th' job. If
he kicks, they blindfold him an' back him
in.
He can't ask f 'r his time at th' end iv
r-run away.
He
pays himsilf.
can't sthrike, because he'd have to ordher
He can't
out th' polis to subjoo himsilf.
th'
week, an'
go to
th'
He
lave.
boss, an' say
wurruk
long an' th'
He
pay-check.'
is
c
:
Me
tajious.
has no boss.
hours
is
too
me me
A man can't
Give
'Tis
be indipindint onless he has a boss.
thrue.
So he takes th' place, an' th' chances
he's
ar-re
th'
wurruld, an'
biggest
a counthry thin I
if
An',
chesthry.
he's a dummy, an',
he's crazy;
an,'
c
says
:
Sure,
savin' that
silf.
If
it
omadhon
in
th'
knows no more about r-runnin'
'tis
know about
ladin'
an or-
he don't do annything,
if he does do
annything,
whin he
dies, his
th' divvle's
foreman
own time
I
had
bosthoon fr'm desthroyin' himwasn't f 'r me, th' poor thing'd
have closed down the wurruks, an' gone to
An' wan day, whin
far-rm long ago.'
he's takin' th' air, p'raps, along comes an
'
c
Eyetalyan, an' says he, Ar-re ye a king ?
th'
ON ANARCHISTS
c
That's
dead/
231
'Betther
my name/ says his majesty.
Eyetalyan; an* they'se a
another king goes over th'
th'
says
an'
scramble,
long r-road.
"
know much about
don't
I
We
arnychists.
They wint
Mebbe that's be-
wanst.
had thim here
again polismen, mostly.
cause polismen's th' nearest things to kings
they cud find.
think I know
where, an'
It
minds
But, annyhow,
why they're
why they ain't
me
iv
I
sometimes
arnychists somein
other places.
what happened wanst
in
me
Terence's fam'ly.
They was livin'
near Healey's slough in wan iv thim oP
cousin
down
Doherty's
know,
th' j'iner, a
dhrink.
be
th'
houses,
not
Doherty that ye
good man whin he don't
No, 'twas an ol' grouch
name iv Malachi Doherty
iv a
man
that used
keep five-day notices in his thrunk, an'
ownded his own privit justice iv th' peace.
to
Me
cousin Terence was as dacint a
iver
shoed a hor-rse
woman,
th'
too,
Dolans.
though
;
man
as
an his wife was a good
niver took much to
I
Fr'm Tipperary, they was,
an'
MR. DOOLEY
232
too handy throwin' things at ye. An' he had
a nice fam'ly growin' up, an' I niver knowed
people that lived together more quite an'
'Twas good f 'r to see thim settin'
amyable.
Terence
ar-roun' th' parlor,
newspaper, an* his
spellin'
good woman
out
th'
mendin'
socks, an' Honoria play in' th' 'Vale iv
Avoca on th' pianny, an' th' kids r-rowlin'
on th' flure.
"
But wan day it happened that that whole
fam'ly begun to rasp on wan another. Honoria'd set down at th' pianny, an' th' ol' man'd
F 'r th' love iv th' saints, close down
growl
'
'
:
man injye his
good woman scolded
that hurdy-gurdy, an* lave a
headache
'
Terence,
undher
An'
!
th'
an'
th'
th'
kids pulled th' leg
stove ; an', whin th' big boy
come home
fr'm
Mike
Omaha, he found none iv
thim speakin' to th' others.
He cud do
an'
f'r
Father
he
wint
nawthin',
Kelly.
fr'm
Father Kelly sniffed th' air whin he come
an' says he, Terence, what's th' matther
;
with ye'er catch basin ?
'I dinnaw,' growled
in
*
'
Terence.
'Well,'
says
Father
Kelly, 'ye
ON ANARCHISTS
233
put on ye'er hat this minyit, an' go out f 'r a
c
I'm not needed here/
plumber/ he says.
he
*
Ye'er sowls ar-re
says.
all
r-right,'
he
*
says ; but ye'er systems ar-re out iv ordher,'
Fetch in a plumber,' he says,
he says.
*
*
whilst I goes
him think
defective,'
his
down
lease
to
Doherty, an' make
on
th'
hereafther
is
he says."
"Ye're right," said Mr. Hennessy, who
had followed the argument dimly.
"
Iv coorse I'm right," said Mr. Dooley.
"
What they need over there in furrin' counthries
is
not a priest, but a plumber.
'Tis
no good prayin' again arnychists, Hinnissy.
Arnychists
is
sewer gas."
ON THE DREYFUS
CASE.
" I SEE be th'
pa-apers," said Mr. Dooley,
" that Col.
Hinnery, th' man that sint me
frind Cap. Dhry-fuss to th' cage, has moved
I
on.
sup-pose they'll give th' Cap a new
thrile
"
"
I
I
now."
hope they won't,"
don't
said
Mr. Hennessy.
know annything about
think he's guilty.
He's
it,
but
I
a Jew."
"
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, ye'er thoughts
on this subject is inthrestin', but not conclusive, as
Dorsey
said to th' Pollack that
thought he cud lick him.
Ye have
a r-right
to ye'er opinyon, an' ye'll hold it annyhow,
whether ye have a r-right to it or not. Like
most
tial.
case.
iv ye'er fellow-citizens,
Ye
If
ye
start
impar-
know annything about th'
ye knew annything, ye'd not have
don't
an opinyon wan way or th' other. They'se
niver been a matther come up in my time
that th'
American people was so sure about
Th'
as they ar-re about th' Dhryfuss case.
Frinch ar-re not so sure, but they'se not a
ON THE DREYFUS CASE
235
this counthry that can't tell ye
where
Dhry-fiiss was whin th' remains iv
jus'
That's because th'
th' poor girl was found.
polisman in
thrile
was
ye heerd
an' saw
secret.
If 'twas an open thrile, an'
th' tisti-mony, an'
knew th'
language,
blown open,
ye'd be puzzled, an' not care a rush whether
Dhry-fiiss was naked in a cage or takin' tay
th'
safe
afther
with his uncle at th'
" I haven't made
'twas
Benny Brith Club.
up me mind whether
th'
He was cerwhin
th' fire
tainly
neighborhood
started, an' th' polis dug up quite a lot iv
lead pipe in his back yard.
But it's wan
Cap done
in
th' shootin' or not.
th'
thing to sus-pect a man iv doin' a job an'
another thing to prove that he didn't.
Me
frind
raised
Zola
thinks
divvle
th'
at
he's
th'
an'
he
Whin
th'
innocint,
thrile.
judge come up on th' bench an' opined
coort, Zola was settin' down below with
c
lawyers.
tial
Let us pro-ceed,' says
an' fair-minded
judge,
c
th'
th'
th'
impar-
to th' thrile iv
haynious monsther Cap Dhry-fuss,' he
says.
Up jumps Zola, an' says he in
th'
MR. DOOLEY
236
c
Frinch
Jackuse,' he says, which is a hell
of a mane thing to say to anny man. An*
c
they thrun him out.
Judge/ says th' at:
c
torney f 'r th' difinse, an' gintlemen iv th'
c
Ye're a liar,' says th' judge.
jury,' he says.
c
Cap, ye're guilty, an' ye know it,' he says.
(
Th'
decision iv th' coort
that ye be put
in a cage, an' sint to th' Divvle's own island
c
f 'r th' r-rest iv ye'er life,' he says.
Let us
pro-ceed to hearin'
(
Call
c
an' lave
all
Be
says.
th'
th'
tisti-mony,'
out on
it
th'
c
an',
he,
says
f'r th' difinse,
whin
this
c
I
thrile is
;
an'
Jackuse,' he
An' they thrun him out.
says.
" c Befure we
go anny farther,'
that,
says.
time Zola has come back
he jumps up,
lawyer
he
he says,
flure,' he
witnesses at wanst,'
thim have
this
is
says
th'
wish to sarve notice
over, I intind,' he
he says, c an' hammer
says,
th' hon'rable coort into an omelet,' he says.
(
c
to wait outside,'
With
these few remarks
c
Th'
I
will
close,'
he
'
coort,' says th' judge, is always
to
defind
th' honor iv France,' he
r-ready
says.
c
says
;
an', if th' larned counsel will con-sint,'
ON THE DREYFUS CASE
says,
that'll
c
237
minyit/ he
th' coort'll put a sthrangle hold on him
not do him a bit iv good/ he says.
he says,
c
'
to step
Ah!'he
up here
'Here's
says.
Clam/ he says.
about this case ? he
th'
c
f'r a
me
frind Pat
ol'
Pat, what d'ye know
'
None iv ye'er
like a man
Pat.
'Answered
business/ says
c
an* a sojer/ says th' coort.
Jackuse/ says
c
says.
An' they thrun
Call Col. Hinnery/ says th'
him out.
He ray-fuses to answer.' c Good.
coort.
Th' case is clear. Cap forged th' will. Th'
Zola fr'm
th'
dureway.
c
c
now
coort will
ladin'
adjourn
dools, an'
all
ar-rmy not in disgrace
officers
iv th'
will
assimble
already
f'r
in
jail,
com-mit
an'
c
he says.
Jackuse/ says Zola, an'
started f'r th' woods, pursued be his fellow-
suicide,'
editors.
now
He's off somewhere
hollerin'
c
Jackuse'
at
ivry
three
a
in
wan
that
passes, sufferin' martyrdom f'r his counthry
an' writin' now an' thin about it all.
" That's
all I
know about Cap Dhry-fuss'
anny man knows. Ye
case, an' that's all
didn't
know
as
much, Hinnissy,
till
I
told
MR. DOOLEY
238
ye.
I
don't
know whether Cap
stole
th'
dog or not."
"
" What's he
Mr. Hencharged with ?
nessy asked, in bewilderment.
"I'll niver tell ye," said
"It's too much to ask."
"Well, annyhow,"
said
Mr. Dooley.
Mr. Hennessy,
"he's guilty, ye can bet on that."
ON THE DECADENCE OF
GREECE.
"THAT young Hogan
None
a smart la-ad,"
smart la-ad an* a
too/'
good wan,
"
is
"A
Mr. Dooley.
said
betther," said
"None
betther in
Dooley, which was
" But there ar-re
Mr. Hennessy.
ward," said Mr.
th'
a
high
appreciation.
human
things about
nature
an' histhry that ain't taught at Saint IgnaI tell thim to Hogan's la-ad.
teeus'.
"
las'
He
was walkin' be
week, an'
I
ast
store
th'
him how
th'
wan day
wa-ar wint.
'Tis sthrange, with churches two in a block,
an' public schools as thick as lamp-posts,
that,
whin a man stops ye on
th' sthreet, he'll
ayether ast ye th' scoor iv th' base-ball game
I ain't
or talk iv th' Greek war with ye.
seen
nell's
on
c
annything that happened since Parday that's aroused so much enthusyasm
th'
How
Ar-rchey Road
goes th' war ?
c
Hogan,
How
as
Greek war.
th'
'
says
I
to
young
goes the war between
th'
MR. DOOLEY
240
ac-cursed infidel an' th'
c
I
says.
Greeks
It goes
won a
dog
iv a Christian
thremenjous
says.
Th'
killin'
battle,
Moslem
millions iv th'
manny
<
bad/ he
'
?
murdherers,
but was obliged to retreat thirty-two miles
c
c
in a gallop/
Is that so ?
Sure
says I.
'
that seems to be their luck/ I says. c Whiniver they win, they lose ; an', whin they lose,
c
says.
make
it
c
I
they lose/
says.
What
thim
Is th' riferee again
thim
ails
'
?
c
'
?
I
I can't
he says, while a tear sthud in
Whin I think iv Leonidas at th'
out,'
c
his eye.
c
pass iv Thermometer/ he says, an' So-an'so on th' field iv Marathon an' This-or-that
c
Spartan hero/ he says, I cannot undherstand f 'r th' life iv me why th' Greeks shud
th'
to post be an
pillar
Didn't Leonidas, with
have been dhruv fr'm
ar-rmy
iv
hardly as
slaves.
manny men
licans in this precint,
savage horde
c
He
did.'
th' field iv
th'
'
?
he
as there are
hold
th'
c
He
says.
Raypub-
pass again a
did/ says
I.
'
An' didn't What's-his-name on
Marathon overcome an' desthroy
ravagin'
armies
'
iv
Persia
?
he
says.
ON GREECE
c
'
Thrue
f r ye/ says I.
wurruld about it/
c
241
There's no doubt
c
An' look
Aleck
at Alexander th' Great/ he says.
was a turror, an* no mistake/ says I. c An'
I
Miltiades/ he says.
on'y know what I
But fr'm all accounts
hear iv him/ says I.
he must have been consid'rable iv a fellow/
c
An' in later days Marco Boozaris/
says I.
in th'
I
says.
c
'
'
c
he
says.
He
was
th'
man
that
come
in
c
con-sumption's dreaded form/ says I, an'
he was afraid iv no man/ c Well, thin/ says
c
he, how ar-re we to account f 'r this dis'
?
grace
"
c
he says.
Well/ says
fightin'
I,
'd'ye
tenth precint?
Ye
raymimber
th'
must've heerd
It was famous f 'r
ye'er father tell about it.
th' quality an' quantity iv th' warfare put up
in
it.
Ivry
man
in
th'
tenth precint cud
fight his weight in scrap-iron.
Most
iv
thim
come
fr'm th' ancient Hellenic province iv
May-o ; but they was a fair sprinklin' iv
Greek heroes fr'm Roscommon an' Tipperary, an' a few from th' historic spot where th'
Head iv Kinsale looks out on th' sea, an* th'
MR. DOOLEY
242
at th' Head iv Kinsale.
Th'
cud
box
before
was
out
iv
boys
they
Far an* wide, th' tenth precint was
skirts.
sea looks
up
little
Ye
talk about
Le-
onidas an' th' pass iv Thermometer.
ought to've seen Mike Riordan an'
Ye
th' turror iv its inimies.
his
fam'ly defindin' th' pollin'-place whin Eddie
Burke's
brigade charged it wan fine day.
f 'r four hours in th' dure-
That hero sthud
way, ar-rmed on'y with a monkey-wrinch,
him
till
judges cud dig their way out through
th'
an* built a wall iv invaders in frint iv
th'
cellar, an* escape to th' polis station.
"
th'
c
F'r
manny
years th' tenth precint was
th' Sixth Wa-ard, an'
banner precint iv
gallant heroes repelled all attacks by land
or Healey's slough.
But, as time wint by,
its
Th' Hannigans an'
changes come over it.
Leonidases an' Caseys moved out, havin'
their pile.
Some iv th' grandest iv th'
heroes died, an' their fam'lies were broke up.
Polish Jews an' Swedes an' Germans an'
made
Hollanders swarmed
sacred
sites,' I says.
in, settlin'
c
Wan
down on
th'
night three years
ON GREECE
243
ago, a band iv rovin' Bohemians fr'm th'
Eighth Ward come acrost th' river, kickin'
over bar'ls an' ash-boxes, an' swooped
on
th'
Mike
tenth precint.
down
Riordan, him
that kept th' pollin'-place in th' good days
was th' on'y wan iv th' race iv ancient
iv old,
heroes on earth.
He
thried to rally th' in-
gloryous descindants iv a proud people. F'r
a while they made a stand in Halsted Sthreet,
an' shouted
bad but
infidel hordes, an'
their
own
ment.
lavin'
difficult
names
threw bricks that
But
people.
it
at th'
laid
out
was on'y f 'r a mo-
In another they tur-rned an' r-run,
Mike Riordan standin' alone in th'
mist iv th' fray.
If
it
wasn't f'r th' inter-
vintion iv th' powers in th' shape iv th' loot
a wagon-load iv polismin,
mians'd have devastated as far as
an'
th' gas-house,
which
is
th'
same
Acropulist ye talk about,' says
"
c
No,
my
son,' says I.
th' fluctuations in rint an'
landlord
it's
c
th'
Bohe-
th' ruins iv
as that there
I.
On
account iv
throuble with th'
not safe to presoom that th'
lives in th' wan house.
same fam'ly always
MR. DOOLEY
244
Th' very thing happened to Greece that has
happened to th' tenth precint iv th' Sixth
Ward. Th' Greeks have moved out, an' th'
Swedes come in. Ye yet may live to see th'
c
day,' says I, whin what is thrue iv Athens
tenth precint will be thrue iv th'
"
whole Sixth Wa-ard.'
an' th'
"Ye
don't
mean
nessy, gasping.
"I
do," said
" 'Tis
histhry."
that," said
Mr. Dooley, with
Mr. Hensolemnity.
ON THE INDIAN WAR.
" GIN'RAL
est
SHERMAN was wan iv th' smartmen we iver had," said Mr. Dooley.
"He
him
th'
c
said so
manny
War
c
said,
'
is
finest savin's I
War
'
is
hell
:
'tis
An'
sintiment.
'Twas
bright things.
hell
;
an' that's
wan
know annything
a thrue
Gin'ral
c
Th' on'y good Indyun is
An' that's a good sayin',
iv
about.
wurrud an'
Sherman
a fine
says,
a dead Indyun.
too.
So, be th'
powers, we've started in again to improve
th' race ; an', if we can
get in Gatlin' guns
enough before th' winter's snows, we'll tur-rn
thim Chippeways into a cimitry branch iv
th'
Young Men's Christy an Association.
We
"
will so.
Ye
see,
f 'r to give
way
civilization.
th' Indyun is bound
onward march iv white
Hinnissy,
to th'
You
white civilization.
an'
me, Hinnissy,
is
th'
come
along, an' I find
ol' Snakes-in-his-Gaiters livin'
quite an' dacint in a
a
I
new frame house.
shame f 'r
Thinks
to lave this savage
man
c
I,
'Tis
in pos-
MR. DOOLEY
246
session iv this fine abode, an*
him not
able
f 'r to vote an* without a frind on th' polis
So says I: c Snakes/ I says, c get
foorce.'
(
I want ye'er house, an'
along/ says I.
ye
best move out west iv th' thracks, an* dig a
c
hole f'r ye'ersilf/ I says.
Divvle th' fut
I will
step out iv this house/ says Snakes.
c
have
I built it, an' I
c
F 'r why
says.
an* Terence, an'
Snakes, an' all
th'
should
I
Honoria,
me
me side/ he
Mary Ann,
law on
take
an'
Robert Immitt
Snakeses, an' rustle
out west iv th' thracks,' he says, c far fr'm
th'
bones iv
th'
yond
c
me
little
ancestors/ he says,
water-pipe
Because/ says
c
I,
I
as
you/ says
c
pants/ he says,
'Ye might wear
I
wanst/
says I;
c
says.
says
I,
extinsion/ he says.
th' walkin' dilygate
c
says.
I'm
c
Snakes.
an' a plug
tin pair/ says
jus* as
I
wear
hat/ he
c
I,
says.
an' all at
c
says, an' ye'd still be a savage/
c
an' I'd be civilized/ I says, if I
hadn't on so
c
an be-
am
iv white civilization/ I
civilized
c
much
as a bangle
bracelet/ I
So get out/ says I. c So get out/
c
f'r th' pianny movers is outside,
r-ready to go to wurruk/ I says.
ON THE INDIAN WAR
"
Well, Snakes he
an* I
c
fires
247
a stove lid at
me
;
go down
Loot/
to th' polls station, an' says I,
c
I says,
they'se a dhrunken Indyun
not votin' up near
th' mills,
an he's carryin'
on outrageous, an' he won't let me hang me
c
Vile savage,'
pitchers on his wall,' says I.
c
says th' loot, I'll tache him to rayspict th'
An* he takes
rules iv civilization,' he says.
out a wagon load, an' goes afther Snakes.
Well, me frind Snakes gives him battle, an',
knowin' th' premises well, he's able to put
up a gr-reat fight but afther a while they rip
;
him away,
have him
in th' pathrol wagon,
on his head. An' thin
he's put undher bonds to keep the peace,
an' they sind him out west iv th' thracks
with a
an'
man
settin'
;
an' I
move
into th' house, an' tear out th'
Some
day, whin
I
get tired or th' Swedes dhrive me out or
Schwartzmeister makes his lunch too sthrong
front an' start a faro bank.
go afther Snakes again.
on'y hope
Indyun is to put
house on rollers, an' keep a team hitched
f 'r competition,
I'll
"Th'
his
to
it,
an',
f'r th
whin he
sees a white
man,
to start
MR. DOOLEY
248
f'r
th'
has
a
He's rooned whin he
sun.
settin'
He
ought to put all th'
plugged dollars that he gets from th' agent
an be pickin' blueberries into rowlin' stock.
cellar.
1
knew annything about balloons, he'd
but we white men, Hinnissy,
If he
have a chanst
has
all
doomed,
as
;
balloons.
th'
Hogan
Th' onward march
says.
iv th' white civilization, with
other
he's
But, annyhow,
morgedges
modhern improvements,
an'
slowly but
surely, as Hogan says, chasm' him out; an*
th' last iv him'll be livin' in a divin'-bell
somewhere out
"Well,"
in th'
said
"
philanthropist,
I
dinnaw.
r-right.
If
what they
this
Ocean."
Pac-ific
Mr. Hennessy, the
stout
think so, an' thin again
I
I
don't think
I
was
th'
got, but
tin-dollar
is
bill
we
thim
threat
gover'mint, I'd take
c
Here, take
say,
I'd
an'
go out
ye'ersilf to death,' I'd say.
an'
dhrink
They ought
to
have some show."
"Well,"
said
Mr. Dooley, "if ye
that way, ye ought
Indyun."
to
go
an/
inlist
as
feel
an
ON
GOLF.
what's this
dinnaw?"
game iv goluf like, I
Mr. Hennessy, lighting his
said
" Ye're
unnecessary noise.
a good deal iv a spoort, Jawnny did ye iver
thry it?"
"
" I used to
said Mr. McKenna.
pipe with
much
:
No,"
hoop onct upon
roll a
a time, but
I'm out
of condition now."
"It
ain't like base-ball," said
nessy, "an*
it
like lawn-teenis, an'
an'
it
Mr. Hen-
ain't like shinny, an'
it
it
ain't
ain't like forty-fives,
ain't"
" Like canvas-back
duck or anny other
said
Mr.
game ye know,"
Dooley.
"Thin what is it like?" said Mr. Hen" I see be th'
pa-aper that Hobart
nessy.
What-d'ye-call-him is wan iv th' best at it.
Th' other day he made a scoor iv wan huri-
dherd an' sixty-eight,
miles or stitches
th'
I
but whether
cudden't
make out
'twas
fr'm
raypoorts."
" 'Tis
little
ye know," said Mr. Dooley.
250
" Th'
MR. DOOLEY
iv goluf
game
Me
father
an',
whin
I
is
as
old as th'
hills.
had goluf links all over his place,
was a kid, 'twas wan iv th' prin-
cipal spoorts iv
me
life,
afther I'd
dug
turf f 'r th' avenin', to go out and putt
the
"
"
Foot, ye mean," said Mr. Hennessy.
"They'se no such wurrud in th' English
Belinda called me down
language as putt.
ha-ard on it no more thin las' night."
"
" There
said Mr. Dooley, angrily.
ye go
" There
D'ye think this here game
ye go
!
!
iv goluf
a spellin'
is
be
to
match
'Tis like ye,
?
refereein' a
twinty-round
Hinnissy,
I tell
ye
glove contest be th' rule iv three.
th' avenin' an' putt me
I used to
in
out
go
mashie like hell-an'-all, till I was knowed
wan end
iv th'
cnampeen
putter.
fr'm
th'
county to
I
putted two
Roscommon in wan day, an'
took home on a dure.
"In America th' ga-ame
ginteel, an'
less
though
good game
is
more
th'
like
other as
men
fr'm
they had to be
is
played more
cigareet-smokin',
'r th'
f
'Tis a
onhealthy
lungs.
to play in a hammick whin
ON GOLF
tired
all
ye're
shovellin' coke.
be
out fr'm
followin'
th'
251
duties
social
Out-iv-dure golf
rules.
If ye
1
is
or
played
bring ye'er
she has her
wife f 'r to see th' game, an
name in th' paper, that counts ye wan. So
th' first thing ye do is to find th' raypoorter,
him ye're there. Thin ye ordher a
iv brown pop, an' have ye'er second
an' tell
bottle
fan
ye with a towel.
Afther
this
ye'd
dhress, an' here ye've got to be dam parIf
ticklar or ye'll be stuck f 'r th' dhrinks.
not on sthraight, that counts
If both ye an' ye'er
ye'er opponent wan.
opponent have ye'er neckties on crooked, th'
ye'er necktie
first
man
is
that sees
it
gets th' stakes.
Thin
ye ordher a carredge"
"Order what?" demanded Mr. McKenna.
"A
carredge."
"What
"F'r
have a
clubs.
boy
it
for?"
to
take ye 'round th' links.
little
boy
Th' man
counts him two.
th' rickets, it
Ye
followin' ye, carryin' ye'er
that has th' smallest little
counts
th'
If th'
man
little
boy has
in th' carredge
MR. DOOLEY
252
The
three.
Clarence
little
is
boys
called caddies
that toP
me
;
but
this
he
belongs to th' Foorth Wa-ard Goluf an'
Me-
Kinley Club
said
calls
th' players'd
not be
Heaney
what
fit
all
th' little
boys
f'r to repeat.
"Well, whin ye dhrive up
"
grounds
to
th'
tea
"Th' what?" demanded Mr. Hennessy.
" Th'
tea grounds, that's like th'
home-
plate in base-ball or ordherin' a piece iv chalk
in a game iv spoil five.
Its th'
be-ginnin' iv
ivrything.
Whin
th' caddie.
Thin
ye get to th' tea grounds,
ye step out, an' have ye're hat irned be
aginst
comes
ye'er man that ye're goin'
an'
he asks ye, (
up,
you
Do
'
know Potther Pammer ?
Well, if ye don't
know Potther Pammer, it's all up with ye
'
But ye come right back
'
Do ye live on
upper cut
ye lose two points.
him with an'
th' Lake Shore
have him in th'
with him anny
at
:
dhrive
'
?
nine hole.
If he doesn't, ye
Ye needn't play
more.
But, if ye do play
with him, he has to spot three balls. If he's
a
good man
an'
shifty
on
his
feet,
he'll
ON GOLF
253
be askin' ye where ye spend
counter
summer.
Now
ye can't
tell
him
th'
that
ye
summer with wan hook on
th' free
spent
lunch an* another on th' ticker tape, an* so
That needn't discourage
ye go back three.
th'
all.
Here's yer chance to mix
ask
him
if he was iver in Scotland.
ye
If he wasn't, it counts ye five.
Thin ye tell
ye at
all,
at
up, an'
him
that ye had an aunt wanst that heerd
th' Jook iv
Argyle talk in a phonograph ;
onless
he
comes back an' shoots it into
an,'
ye that he was wanst run over be th' Prince
iv Wales, ye have him
I don't
groggy.
know whether th' Jook iv Argyle or th'
Prince iv Wales counts f'r most.
They're
th'
right an' left bower iv thrumps.
Th' best players is called scratch-men."
"What's that f'r?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
" It's a Scotch
game," said Mr. Dooley,
" I wonder how
with a wave of his hand.
it come out
Here's th' pa-aper.
to-day.
like
Let
me
there.
own
see.
He
McKinley
at
Canton.
Still
niver cared to wandher fr'm his
fireside.
Collar-button
men
f'r
th'
MR. DOOLEY
254
goold standard.
Ickleheimer an*
Statues
Company
iv
Heidelback,
to be erected in
Another Vanderbilt weddin'.
Washington.
That sounds
like goluf, but it ain't.
Newport society livin' in Mrs. Potther Pammer's
cellar.
Green-goods
men
declare f 'r honest
money. Anson in foorth place some more.
Li Hung
Pianny tuners f'r McKinley.
Chang
ports
Here
see.
smells a
th'
it
two
c
Goluf in gay attire/ Let me
Foozled his aproach,'
nasty
Topped th' ball/ 'Three up an'
H'm.
c
Abner McKinley supWait a minyit.
goold standard.
is
thing.
rat.
to
Among
Mesdames
c
:
'
play/
those
"
Ah,
here's
prisint
were
the
scoor.
Messrs,
an*
" Hoi' on " cried Mr.
Hennessy, grabthe
of
his
friend's hands.
out
paper
bing
" That's thim that was there."
!
"Well,"
said
Mr.
Dooley, decisively,
" that's th'
goluf scoor."
ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER.
" ar-re
" TH'
Fr-rinch," said Mr. Dooley,
a tumulchuse people."
" Like as
not/* said Mr. Hennessy,
" there's some of our blood in thim.
A
good manny iv our people wint over wanst.
They cudden't allVe been kilt at Fontenoy."
"No,"
Mr. Dooley,
said
kind iv tumulchuse.
rages,
'tis
with
wan
Whin
"'tis another
an Irishman
idee in his mind.
He's
goin' for'ard again a single inimy, an' not
stone walls or irne chains'll stop him.
may pause f 'r a dhrink or to take a shy at
He
f 'r a polisman's always in th'
but he's as thrue as th' needle in th'
a polisman,
way,
camel's eye, as Hogan says, to th' objec' iv
his hathred.
So he's been f 'r four hundherd
years, an' so he'll always be while they'se an
England on
rishes,
th'
th'
map.
Irish'll
Whin England
what Hogan
die iv
purcalls
ongwee, which is havin' no wan in the weary
wurruld ye don't love.
" But with th' Fr-rinch 'tis diff'rent. I
MR. DOOLEY
256
say 'tis diffrent with th' Fr-rinch.
They're
an onaisy an' a thrubbled people. They
start out down th' street, loaded
up with
obscenthe an'
walkin'
cigareets, pavin' blocks an'
sthicks an' shtove lids in their
hands, cryin',
c
A
base
'
Cap Dhry-fuss
cap bein' far off in a cage, by dad.
so good. c
base Cap Dhry-fuss
A
c
an' the
same
thim, whether they ar-re or not.'
comes a man with a poor hat.
So
far,
says
I
'
!
to all thraitors, an'
th'
!
manny
;
iv
But along
c
Where
did
'
he get th' hat ? demands th' mob.
Down
C
with th' bad tile!' they say.
base th'
A
'
An' they desthroy th' hat, an' th' man
undher it succumbs to th' rule iv th' maOn they go till
jority an* jines th' mob.
c
Ha,' says they,
they come to a restaurant.
c
c
th' resort iv th' infamious Duclose.'
His
lid
!
char-rges ar-re high,' says wan.
a fish-bone in his soup,' says
c
He's a thraitor,' says a third. C
(
A
soup kitchen
!
A
base th' caafe
I
found
another.
base th'
'
!
says they
;
an' they seize th' unfortunate Duclose, an*
bate him an' upset his kettles iv broth.
THE FRENCH CHARACTER
Manetime where's Cap Dhry-fuss?
257
Off
in
his comfortable cage, swingin' on th' perch
an* atin' seed out iv a small bottle stuck in
th'
Be
wire.
time
th'
f'rgot
th'
Cap
intirely;
mob
th'
sthroyed what they see on
th'
an*
has
de-
way, they've
he's
safe
f'r
another day.
Th'
"'Tis unforch'nit, but 'tis thrue.
Fr-rinch ar-re not steady ayether in their
That's where they
politics or their morals.
Th' difget done be th' hated British.
f'rence in furrin' policies is the difference
between a second-rate
class
boonco
steerer.
blower an' a
first-
Th' Fr-rinch buy
a ton
safe
iv dinnymite, spind five years in dhrillin' a
hole through a steel dure, blow open th'
safe, lose a leg
or an ar-rm, an' get away with
Th' English dhress
th' li'bilities iv th' firm.
up
f'r a
Methodist preacher,
lead pipe in th'
tails iv their
emargency, an' get
all
th'
stick a piece iv
coat in case iv
money
there
is
in
th' line.
"In th' fr-ront dure comes th' Englishman with a coon king on ayether ar-rm that's
MR. DOOLEY
258
him their kingdoms on a prom'sand discovers th' Fr-rinchman
jus* loaned
note,
sory
*
What
emargin' frim th* roons iv th' safe.
'
ar-re ye doin' here ?
says th' Englishman.
(
Robbin'
man,
th'
bein'
c
Wicked
c
What
naygurs,' says th' Fr-rinchthruthful as well as polite.
man,'
ar-re
ye
c
Fr-rinchman.
inhabitants,'
says
doin'
th'
Englishman.
here
'
?
the
says
Improvin' the morals iv
th'
says
c
Englishman.
'
Is
th'
it
c
It is,' says wan
not so, Rastus ? he says.
c
iv th' kings.
I'm a poorer but a betther
man since ye came,' he says. c Yes,' says
th'
c
pro-pose f 'r to thruly
onhappy counthry,' he says.
Englishman,
I
rayform this
'This benighted haythen on me exthreme
left has been
injooced to cut out a good dale
iv
his
wife's
through
he says.
life
c
business,'
he
says,
'an'
go
torminted be on'y wan spouse,'
go to wurruk f 'r
All crap games bein' particme,' he says.
ular ongodly'll be undher th' con-throl iv
c
is
th' gover'mint, which,' he says,
me.
Th'
r-rest will
c
Policy shops'll be r-run carefully, an' I've
THE FRENCH CHARACTER
259
appinted Rastus here Writer-in-Waitin' to
her Majesty,' he says.
" ' Th' r-rum
they dhrink in these par-rts/
he says, ' is fearful/ he says. ' What shall
we do
to stop
th' ac-cursed
Sell
thraffic?
thim gin/ says I. c 'Tis shameful they shud
go out with nawthin' to hide their nakedhe says.
c
but/ he says,
(
ness,'
f'r
clothes,
I'll
thim clothes
th' weather's
as
I'll
fetch
not
sell
too
;
warrum
thim anny thing
<
If it wasn't f'r
long/ he says.
C
I
he
don't
know
what th'
says,
relligion/
'ell
th' wurruld wud come to/
he says.
that'll last
c
c
Who's
'
reliigion
?
says
th'
Fr-rinchman.
c
My relligion/ says th' Englishman.
These
c
pore, benighted savidges/ he says, '11 not
be left to yer odjious morals an' yer hootchyc
kootchy school iv thought/ he says, but/
he says, c undher th' binif 'cint r-rule iv a
wise an' thrue gover'mint/ he says,
thurly prepared f'r
their time
thrust will
comes
hivin/ he says,
go/ he says,
not be long/ he says.
to
c
c
'11
c
be
whin
which
c
So
I
I'll
thank ye to be off/ he says, c or I'll take th'
thick end iv the slung-shot to ye/ he says.
MR. DOOLEY
260
" Th' Fr-rinchman
he'd stay an* have
some wan
an* off he
c
calls,
is
out on
it
A
a br-rave
base th'
man,
th' flure
;
an*
but
'
Chinnyman
!
goes on another thrack. An',
to th' Chinnymen, he finds th'
whin he gets
English Ve abased thim already. An* so he
dances fr'm wan par-rt th' wurruld to another like a riochous
an'
happy
flea,
an'
diwle
th' bit iv
progress he makes, on'y
thrubble f 'r others an' a merry life f 'r himsilf."
"If England wint to war with France,"
said Mr. Hennessy, suddenly, "I'd be f'r
France."
" So
ye wud, Hinnissy. So ye wud,"
" An' I'm not
said Mr. Dooley.
sayin'
that I wudden't f 'aget that I'm an AngloSaxon long enough to take wan crack at th'
Prince iv Wales with a coupli' pin mesilf."
PN6161.D82 1899
3 2106 00170 9424
-I?-'-M~
111
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