Thanks to Jan Cilliers, Neil Alford and BP for sponsorship

The 113 Bottle
Match
Handbook
th
21st February 2015
Thanks to Jan Cilliers, Neil Alford and BP for sponsorship
A note from The President: Benjamin James Warnick
Big Love Big Money Big Hockey Big Heart
It’s finally here, that moment you’ve all been waiting for,
The 113th bottle match wooooooo!!!
This is Imperial’s main varsity and the second oldest
dans le monde. You know the score, we turn up, we win.
All that jazz.
The slapping of tiny webbed feet can only mean one
thing, Camborne is on its way. So lock up your sisters
and don your dancing shoes, because this weekend will
be a tour de force of RSM sporting excellence, dirge like
singing and dodgy dancing.
FUNNY POLICE*
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Don’t forget to eat. Chef Recommends: Pork
Pie + Tunnocks Caramel Risotto
We are 70% water. Humans don’t function at
70% alcohol
Stay behind the rope at the rugby so you don’t
get run over by Tristan uncontrollably
trundling down the wing.
Please keep fireworks metaphorical
Stay warm. It snowed in 2013.
‘Don’t’ naked. It’s frowned upon by the
clothed
No stabbings or shootings
No Class A B or C substances, chips and gravy is fine though
Rugby
Fred White, Captain 2015
Age: 23
Weight: 78kg
Position: Bench Press
Fred White - You may not know this, but Fred works for Hollister. Now this means one of two things:
he’s really good looking, or he’s really good at folding clothes…
He’s also very fond of Asian girls; for proof of just how much, go to Boston, USA and try and find a
little Asian boy with blonde hair and blue eyes running about.
He often enjoys taking his current squeeze to Paris for weekend but for some reason feels he needs to
ask his ex’s permission, but I’ll let you discuss that with the Skipper in the bar…
Name: Edward Durkin
Position: Water Boy
Age: 23
Weight: 70kg (72 on a good day)
Bio: Edward Durkin, also known as Durk Diggity, is in his final year at
Imperial College. He is known campus wide for his ridiculous gap yah
tattoos (each matching with respective girlfriends) and his love of fried
chicken (see insert). He is one of the oldest members of the squad due
to numerous 'sabbaticals', however in this case maturity doesn't come
with age.
Name: James Cox
Position: Fly Half
Age: 22
Weight: 85kg (After a poo)
Description: James Cox is the Fly-half for this years Bottle
Match. James played in the last home Bottle Match 2 years
ago and was awarded man of the match. Unfortunately James
missed last years BM due to injury (a broken heart). After an
ex-girlfriend viciously left him he could not cope. Flowers
were sent to the aforementioned ex's house the day prior to the
dumping but sadly they arrived a day too late for young
James. After a year of crying into his pillow James is back and
bigger than ever. You can find James at the award ceremony,
perhaps picking up another man of the match award, but
definitely looking for love.
Name: Toby Simpson
Position: Second Row
Age: 19
Weight: 108kg
Description: Big Toby can often be found wooing the ladies of the union bar
with his smooth talk and bottomless supply of lilies. His charm doesn't end
there though, having reportedly performed a strip dance for the commuters on
the district line. Fortunately these performances are matched by his displays on
the pitch, so expect some big carries from Toby.
Name: David Nielsen-Scott
Position: Lock
Age: 20
Weight: 95kg
Bio: Absolute machine. One to watch. BetFRED favourite for man of the match
1/1000.
Name: Eugene Poon
Position: Winger
Age: 20
Weight: 82kg
Poon’s only fear is not staying dench and getting Frimponged
Name: Richard ‘Chumbles’ Simons
Position: Utility forward
Age: 26
Weight: 90 kg , Height: 6’2”
This Ex-Rsm President has had an impressive career in the Bottle
Match, as Veteran this will be his 7th appearance and maybe his
last. The soon to be Dr. Chumbles has tried to create a new
persona for himself in recent years; who knew his name was Rich?
but nevertheless the patented Chumble charge will be in full force
this year against an enemy he knows all too well.
Name: Ruaridh McKay
Position: Back row/2nd Row
Age: 20
Mass: 94kg , Height: 6’1”
Rooarid, is a powerful, physical player. A veteran of previous bottle
matches, this looks to be his last and he doesn't plan on losing the
bottle in his final year.
Some say Ruairi's inability to hear on his right side came as a result of
an incident after a previous bottle match involving Fred White, a
hoover, a 'liposuction for dummies' book and a promise of 'the
abercrombie look' although this has not been confirmed. As a result,
Rory often fails to hear his own lineout calls, causing light
amusement for the other forwards.
Nevertheless, look out for Ruaridh to have a big impact in a physical
bottle match this year.
Player: Ruairi Dunne
Position: Wing
Weight: 84kg
Age: 19
Description: Ruairi owns a collection of seven selfie sticks and is
rarely seen without a long pole in his hand. Having been crowned
‘Loosest Bloke in the Alps 2014’ whilst on his gap year, at Imperial
he has had ample time to focus on his dodgy lid and wearing Canada
Goose jackets. When out his favourite drink is a Cosmopolitan and
Ruairi pushes the boundaries by wearing light brown shoes to black
tie events. He lives by the motto, ‘entertain a clown and you will
become part of the circus’.
Name: James Bills
Age: 24
Weight: 82kg
Position: Full Back
Description:
From the dog-eat-dog streets of Royal Tunbridge Wells to
the upper-class avenues of South Kensington, this softly
spoken ladies-man is a classic rags-to-riches story. The
man even changed his last name to outdo his idol, 50
Cent. Being a big fan of American teen-movies, Bills
wants to leave his undergraduate UCL persona behind
and try becoming a so-called “jock” at Imperial so he’s
been dreaming of bottle-match day for a while now... good luck mate. When he’s not getting excited about looking at
rocks he loves to jet around and as a wannabe Irish man, never fails to bring up the fact he lived in Dublin for a year
in every conversation and has happily agreed to give a fiver to anyone who beats him at downing a Guinness tonight.
Let’s see if he brings some of that “Irish” luck to the game today.
Name: Anthony Cheuk
Position: Winger
Age: 19 years young
Weight: 65 Kg
Anthony hails from the orient and is a natural born finisher with ninja feet and the
pace of a shinkansen bullet train. He may be small in stature but he is as slippery as
an eel and trickier than a chinese finger trap. He will be making his bottle match
debut in 2015 and will be an exciting mercurial player to look out for.
Name: Sam ‘Moobz’ Moorby
Position: Centre
Age: 20 (appears 45)
Weight: 730 Bananas
Favourite Pokemon: Magikarp
Greatest Achievement: Passing 1st Year
Known to grow a MAROON beard, some might mistake him for being a
connoisseur of hair. Sadly, not; he suffers from a condition known as
‘Recede’. This means his hairline is retreating quicker than CSM’s backline
(about a cm a year). Sam loves his squats. He even ‘cracked out’ a few
squats on a recent trip to Oxford. Sam is always a good guy to have around,
squeezing the fun out of everything, including his bottom. When not training
for rugby, he can be found PIH (pint in hand) at the union.
Name: George Warner
Weight: 85 kg
Height: 5'11 (in heels)
Position: Centre/wing
The 2nd year geologist coming into his second bottle match is hoping to
follow in the long-standing tradition of Georges in the RSM back line though that will require him to abandon last year's tremendous efforts in
bench-warming.
Name: Alex Johnston
Position: Prop
Height: 5'10"
Weight: Estimated, owing to refusal to own up. Circa 120 kg (conservative estimate)
Alex, hailing from family farming roots in Carlisle, Cumbria, is a keen geoengineer who
has been enjoying a rich run of form, and has broken into the Imperial College 1st team.
We could find no definitive gym stats, but when questioned about PB's he answered 'pint in
3 pie in 6' and 'who's Jim?!'
His hobbies outside of rugby include tractors, ploughs, and pies, and when asked about his
rugby ambitions, he replied 'I'd love to be a really fast winger with dazzling footwork - I'd
kill for a step like Jake Bagby's'
Greatest Achievement: Third place in the Cumbrian Open snake charming Championships
Special dietary requirements: Yes please. Pass the pies.
Player : Peter McCallum
Position: Back Row
Weight: 96kg
Age: 22
Weighing in at 96kg this season, Peter McCallum, best known for winning the
Eurovision song contest in 2011, grew up in a small rural town in Eastern
Bulgaria. At the age of 15, McCallum split between singing and rugby, signed for
Levski’s 1st XV, one of Sofia’s most successful clubs. One of the bright, up and
coming stars of Bulgarian rugby, Peter inevitably got injured and followed his
dreams of singing at the West End in London. In his spare time Peter likes to trek,
hugging the coastline, dabbling in snorkeling for his favorite animal, the starfish.
Name: Thomas Alexander Clayton
Age: 19,
Weight: 108 kg,
Height: 5’2”.
At the classified height of ‘legal midget’ I am a prospective heavyweight Olympic
lifter – current bench PB 43.75 kg. Unfortunately my 3 year dry spell of both good
banter and sex leaves my last sexual partner the infamous Blozza Becky and my last
good joke:
“So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.” DQ
Thomas Alexander 2012. Ironically the guy I am referring to was myself. Although I
have been left beating into my old Adams Grammar rugby sock I have not lived
without lust. I am hoping that the bottle match weekend will result in crowning
myself ‘Banter-Lord’ and the most prestigious title of all… ‘ Top Shagger’. Claydog out.
Name: Jake Bagby
Position: Prop
Age: 21
Weight: 15 stone 1 lb
Description: Loud mouthed and cocky, this brummy player is certainly
someone you’ll notice as RSM steps off the coach. But don’t be fooled by
his joking and crooked smile, when Bagby steps onto the field he
becomes a different player. Fancying himself more as a fly half than a
prop, expect him to be found exactly where you don’t want a prop to be!
Name: Tristan Avory
Height: 5ft 10
Weight: Some say Two Elephants, Others suggest 25 Water Buffalos. His
sponsors suggest a 'Lean Mean 119'
Bio: Fast, Agile, Nimble. These are word never used to describe this mammoth of
a man. This Bottle Match stalwart, once again, reprises his role of Prop and gives
the RSM team a lil' bit more meat! Taking time away from his 364 day Bottle
Match bulking program (He doesn't bulk on Christmas), Tristan has acted in his
own biopic; 'UP' and has gained endorsement deals from George Foreman of 'lean
mean grilling machine' fame. This lil' celebrity amongst the RSM ranks, will
adhere to a strict game plan of 'One Hit Wonders' and be representing all the
PAWGS out there.
Name: Joe Cooper
Age: 23
Weight: 13.5 stone
Position: winger
Born far north of the wall this wildling was terrorising defenders
before he could say ‘mushy peas’. Rumour has it he has grown
out his long curly hair especially for the Bottle Match, in hopes
of emulating his childhood hero, Medusa. This rare species is
typically found insulting all the southern fairies in the smoking
area of a club, throwing up in his local ginnel, or picking fruit in
Australia.
Name: Tom Hobson
Age: 20 Weight: 89kg
Height : 5" 11
Position: Hooker
This geoelectrical and electronicgeophysical engineering student is at his physical peak hitting
record pbs across the board this season: Bench-130kg Squat-180kg Pint-2.3 seconds Wine
strawpedo- 5.4 seconds Yard-8.3 seconds 100m-9.89 minutes After a night of working late at
Mercedes his best friend Lewis Hamilton allowed him to kiss his 'helmet' for good luck in this
upcoming fixture. As a quintessential Yorkshireman this player has been preparing for this
upcoming battle by staring at the white rose emblazoned on his bedroom wall, dreaming of
restoring the glory of his home that was so cruelly taken away in 1487. Hobson has taken his
vendetta against the Cornish to the next level, vowing to wipe their beloved pasty from
existence, one bite at a time.
Name: Aneesh Misra
Age: 21
Weight: 92kg
Height: 6'2"
Position: Water boy
After the successes of last bottle match Mr Misra has retired from the front row in
search of a more relaxing lifestyle. His attendance at training is worse than his
beard, patchy at best. Presumably he has been spending his time with Miss Hsu or
trying to become the new Peter Brown. His fine tastes in life have lead him to the
water boy position, don’t be surprised if you see Aneesh throwing Voss water bottles on to the pitch. ”God knows
only commoners drink tap water” Misra 2013. All that aside watch out for this dark horse. He has informed me that
many hours have been put into his try celebration. My bet is on a little bit of Bollywood dancing. From this selfconfidence I’m sure we can expect a try or two out of him - that is, if he catches the ball.
Name: Tom Hedley
Age: 20
Weight:88.9Kg
Height:6"3
Position: 8
Legend tells of a fight that was undertaken in the summer of 2013. Tom was, as
usual practicing his rugby on the savannah, taking down gazelles with ease. As he
was doing his daily 10x10 squats with a lion on his back, the lion decided to fight
back. Only Hedley came out alive. Many have heard the proverbs but few have
seen the scars the shark left that day. Even though Geobotanists are renowned for
not having much between the ears, the Cornish team should be wary of this Kudu
killing 8 as whilst he’s not wrestling windows, he is often found wielding his fabled ‘lion step’ for the Saxons. Good look Camborne
Name: Nathan Tomlinson
Age 19
Height 6'3"
Weight 113kg
Position: Prop
BMI: 31.L4RG3
Currently hiding at the front of the scrum whilst on the run from the NHS following the release of the above stats, Nathan likes to spend his spare time (when not
playing rugby) playing rugby. Once likened by a blind (presumably) friend to
Breaking Bad's Walter White, Nathan is frequently spotted sporting awful facial
hair. This merely elucidates his reluctance to accept that a man of 19 should sport
more hair on his head not his chin. This Benjamin-Buttonesque attitude to appearance also stretches to his fashion
sense. Nathan, on one occasion, turned up to a game clothed, head-to-toe, in rust brown. Presumably this renders him
effectively invisible beyond 50 metres when going to and from his meth lab during Autumn. Subsequent inquisition
revealed the jacket was indeed his grandad's.
Men's Hockey
Women’s Hockey
Madeleine Hann (Mads)
Bio: Mads, also known as Susan is fond of hot tubs especially the black pool types.
She embodies RSM Hockey spirit in all ways particularly in her love of long socks.
The loud encouragement from Mads can be heard for miles, she’s definitely a keeper.
Special Skill: Rebounds
Experience: Sadly absent to last year’s Bottle Match, Mads is hungry to give CSM a
socking.
Ellie Maume
Bio: This brick breaker is an ace blocker and is known for her colour coordination on
the pitch. Champion of lego, Ellie plans on confusing the opposition by pelting them
with mini figures. Tackling CSM will be a breeze after dealing with visitors to
Dragon falls.
Special skill: being Maumy
Experience: Ellie embraced bottle match spirit with gusto in her first year, especially
the coach journeys, when everything was awesome.
Ellie Bryant
Bio: Ellie’s favourite pastimes include pretending to be trilobite and attending
gourmet rock tastings. She tackles hard and always has Mohr. It is believed this
power comes from endless practice with her rock hammer.
Special Skill: Balls, balls, balls
Experience: Last year’s bottle match Ellie had a bucketful of RSM spirit, CSM can’t
handle it.
Emma Toms (Tomsy)
Bio: As the oldest player on the pitch, Emma provides magical wisdom of the hockey
world and appears to fly round her opponents. She certainly has a few tricks up her
sleeve and whips up a storm in defence.
Special Skill: Wingardium Leviosa
Experience: Old-timer to the Bottle Match, Emma knows exactly the determination and
fortitude required at this yearly show-down.
Beth Holman
Bio: Beth has an affinity for silverware, she is passionate about cutlery and pretends to be
a fork in her free time. Her defending is solid but it will take Blackpool to improve her
spooning. This Brummy gal is not to be underestimated.
Special Skill: Forking
Experience: Beth is channelling sass and aggression to battle through the match.
Evelyn Mason
Bio: Aberdreamer from the far north. Evelyn was raised in the harsh conditions of
the Scottish highlands on only haggis and thistles. After trying to start a Scottish
RSM team, she has channelled her hatred for the English into thirst for the blood of
the southern-most Englishmen.
Special Skill: Referee-dum
Experience: Evelyn’s first bottle match but this has not deterred her from her
independent views on CSM scum. No doubt her bravery and patriotism will do us
proud.
Emma Pearce
Bio: Christened by Rafiki, Emma’s a fierce defender who is committed to the end
and won’t Let it Go. Emma senses the Bad Blood of CSM and plans to wipe them
off pitch until there’s just a Blank Space. She believes that destroying CSM is just
part of the Circle of Life
Special Skill: Shaking it off
Experience: Despite only starting hockey this year, Emma has brought much to the
team including suggestions for a war chant and distraction tactics
Becky Rickman
Bio: Becky’s a 2nd year who’s already specialised in modern palaeontology.
Having previously studied apes has given her an insight into the behaviour of
CSM. This biological advantage will help us dissect the opposition. They are an
inferior species after all
Special Skill: The worm
Experience: This is Becky’s 2nd bottle match, her strong hits from the back
evolved into game changers last year
Bron-wen Per-kins
Bio: Bronny started life in the RSM with a bang, though there was some confusion
over which hockey team she wanted to play for. Her preference of pies over Cornish
pasties has increased her hatred for the flaky Camborne miners. When she’s not
preparing for Wimbledon, she’s tearing up the pitch with the power of pukka. The only
way is Bronwen
Special Skill: Eating chocolate covered raw vegetables
Experience: Fresher Bronwen has shown herself to be strong midfielder. Her dribbling
will go on unchallenged, providing there are no tooting Curries to hamper her progress,
of course
Anna ‘Willy’ Williams
Bio: She’s a material girl with an expert knowledge of hockey stick construction. Willy
can to spot the weaknesses in the opposition and exploit them to their full extent. Her
moral fibre and strong stick handling gives us an edge
Special Skill: She’s cracking under pressure
Experience: Willy made friends with a watering can of the same name last year and
plans on re-establishing this close connection.
Katie Bell (KB)
Bio: When she’s not socialising, Katie practices handstands and cartwheels across the
Famous Three Kings bar. Her agility allows her to run rings round the opposing team
and spring towards the goal
Special Skill: #hypehypehype
Experience: A 2nd year geophysicist, Katie’s play sent shockwaves through CSM last
year
Kim Mason
Bio: Kimakaze is known for her aggression and hockey rage which is a result of
downing maple syrup before each match. Her upbringing of Canadian winters and
wrestling with bears has been good preparation for this icy game
Special Skill: Fitting an entire pint glass in her mouth
Experience: Well accustomed to the Bottle match, Kim’s scare tactics should have
CSM trembling
Alice Tidswell
Bio: Alice is a fresher with big hair and even bigger pitch presence. She’s a key
player up front and has already expressed her dislike for dirty CSM including their
lack of glamour in both their play and their style. CSM prepare to be dazzled
Special Skill: Hitting balls in the D
Experience: Alice is well versed in the world of hockey and will undoubtedly rise to
all challenges
Rosie Blannin
Bio: ‘Cultured’ with ‘refined tastes’ are two ways which have been used to
describe this graceful attacker. Rosie perfected her pirouettes in Sanuk and
now uses them to send the opposition spinning. Positioning and timing are
everything
Special Skill: Spooning
Experience: Rosie’s style and flair will outclass CSM time and time again
Katie Shoedar
Bio: Katie’s southern roots have found Camborne a bit too close for comfort;
she was appalled by their want of independence and questionable
relationships. Her pre-hockey training included racing sheep up the hilly South
Downs and taming the odd wild boar.
Special Skill: sheep herding
Experience: Katie’s speed up along the wing coupled with her abhorrence for
CSM make her a force to be reckoned with.
Ruth Trout
Bio: Little Pike, from the cobbled streets of Guildford has the vocal projection
to rival the town crier. Ruth is evidence that size isn’t everything; it’s how you
use it. Small but mighty she weaves, unseen around the opposition. Training in
the Surrey Hills has prepared her well for the intensity and pace of hockey.
Special Skill: the Hakuna Matata
Experience: Stories of the Bottle Match have attracted Ruth’s interest from a
young age, she’s bursting to show CSM what she’s made of.
Football
It’s been a very promising season so far for RSM Football, with a strong chance of a treble in the league, cup and
bottle match. Scintillating counter-attacking football, an electric defensive press and 60 goals in 16 games has caused
many to compare Will Veness’ philosophy to that of the great Brendan Rodgers. Here is your Pocket Guide to
Identifying the RSM Football team both on and off the field…
Dan Holloway (GK)
Perhaps an unnecessary profile, as you will all recognise “keen-Dan” from
his strong networking game during fresher’s term.
On the pitch: Loves a save for the cameras.
Off the pitch: Becomes “crazy-Dan.” Expect similar “crazy” antics to his
topless dancing that had him swiftly removed from the slug on social night.
Surely a contender for a half-time streak at the rugby?
Player Comparison: Manuel Neuer
Matt Irwin (RB)
Recently committed the worst tackle in the history of RSM football – a
tackle so horrendous that the match was immediately abandoned. If this
doesn’t get you excited to see Mirwin in action I don’t know what will…
On the pitch: Always looking for the next big tackle, Matt may appear to
have forgotten he’s actually playing a game of football.
Off the pitch: Anything less than full-frontal nudity would be a
disappointment… or perhaps a relief. When it’s time to return to the union
Matt will be found soberly guarding the undercarriages of the buses,
ensuring no one experiences the nightmare journey he did two years prior.
Player Comparison: Pepe
Dom Rodger & Florent Gaudin (CM & CM)
Flo moved to the RSM this year from France having never
truly experienced love. That is, until he met Dom. Although
unable to have a proper conversation with Dom’s thick
Geordie accent, no bromance could be stronger.
On the field: Will be seen patrolling the centre of midfield,
playing ‘good cop, bad cop’ with their opposite numbers.
Off the field: Will spend the majority of the evening side-byside giggling, holding hands and pretending to understand
each other. If isolated Dom will be found cutting shapes in
metric or buying a round of jagerbombs, while Flo may be
found jumping excitedly on tables, crowd surfing or taking
selfies with his many admirers.
Luke Cottell (LB)
Luke has finally recovered from fresher’s dinner and made the left-back spot his own
in the latter part of the season.
On the field: Expect Luke to be a major focal point for the CSM crowd’s attention…
Fingers crossed they don’t break him.
Off the field: Liable to drinking too much too quickly, there’s a reasonable chance
you’ll find him sleeping next to the rugby with an empty bottle of Lambrini by his
side. Will hopefully make it to metric.
Player Comparison: Luke Shaw
Max Schleupen (CB/FB)
Brought in on a season-long loan from Borussia Dortmund, Max has been an astute
signing.
On the field: A towering defender with a no nonsense approach. May be heard
slamming the English’s inability to take penalties after not being allowed to take one.
Off the field: Will be found holding a crate of English beer, while complaining about
the taste of English beer.
Player Comparison: Per Mertesacker
Dom Andrew (CM)
Injury-prone Dom has recovered in time for the Bottle Match and is back to his best.
On the pitch: Although a strong defensive presence, last year’s captain loves to get
forward. Dom is sadly yet to find his old shooting boots recently, with his shots
currently showing more variation than CSM’s collective genomes.
Off the pitch: Fresh from a break-up, rumour has it Dom’s looking for a rebound.
Something meaningless with no strings attached… Go get him ladies.
Player Comparison: Xabi Alonso
Will Veness (ST)
El Capitan. Looking to lead RSM Football to their first bottle match victory in 10 years.
On the pitch: Playing lone striker and with 25 goals this season, needs to carry that goal
scoring form in to the bottle match. Certainly won’t let the crowd get in to his head this
year, especially not the bitch with the megaphone.
Off the pitch: Will be seen with plenty of Lambrini in his hand once victorious.
Player Comparison: Thierry Henry
Alex Rushforth (CAM)
If last year’s anything to go on, you may feel yourself become genuinely sad as you listen to the
CSM fans abuse Alex. However, this is the year he gets his revenge.
On the field: Our vice-captain will persevere with his tiki-taka play even through Harlington’s
sludge. 9 goals to his name this season and an important part of the attack.
Off the field: Impartial to a boogie if the cheesy music’s playing, Alex will spend much of his
night on the metric dancefloor.
Player Comparison: Juan Mata
Lewis Ryan (RM/RB)
On the field: 4 years in the squad without a minute of bottle match action to
show for it, Lewis has a point to prove. Expect big hits and bustling runs from
our very own Branislav Ivanovic.
Off the field: A typically loud drunk, you’ll often hear him before you see him.
In his fifth and final bottle match we can all expect Lewis to go out with a
bang.
Player Comparison: Branislav Ivanovic
Jack O’Callaghan (RM/LM/CAM)
G’day mate! Another bottle match debutant all the way from down under.
On the field: This dingo offers genuine pace down the wing and plenty of goals with 9 in
just a few games this season. You little ripper.
Off the field: Will be seen wandering round with fosters in hand, cork hat on head,
asking the nearest Sheila where he’ll find the ‘barbie.’ Fair dinkum. He's a rowdy bugger
Player Comparison: Harry Kewell
Tom Raven (CB)
On the field: A striker trapped in a defender’s body, a clearly frustrated Tom
Raven has been known to make some mad runs from his centre-back position.
Could he be an unlikely hero?
Off the field: Still in the ‘honeymoon-phase’ with his new girlfriend
Catherine Spurin, these two will inevitably spend much of the night side-byside. Adorable.
Player Comparison: Jan Vertonghen
Simon Morgan (CB)
On the pitch: Cool, calm and collected. His pace in defence
is often a god-send and his contribution will be important
for our clean sheet.
Off the pitch: Also cool, calm and collected.
Player Comparison: Gary Cahill
Matt Summers (RB/LB/CM/LM/RM)
Desperate for a game of football, drifter Matt Summers has discovered RSM Football
this season and slotted right in.
On the pitch: A battler. With every swift turn, caressed pass and meaty challenge,
Summers’ passion for the RSM becomes more clear. This Bottle Match is his very
own RSM Bar Mitzvah, the moment he truly becomes, ‘one of us.’
Off the pitch: When he’s not panicking about how much MechEng coursework he
should have done this weekend, Summers will be seen drinking, mingling, singing
and/or dancing like any regular RSMer.
Player Comparison: Daley Blind
Joash Moosavinia (RM/RB)
Another bottle match debutant transferred on a 4-year contract worth £12 per week from the VIVA Kuwaiti Premier League. Jo has been a solid investment by the club, also washing the kit each game free of charge.
On the field: A skilful winger with a contender for goal of the season to
his name.
Off the field: A modest and polite young man, expect Jo to be brushing
off compliments if he scores a late winner.
Player Comparison: Oussama Assaidi
Jordan Seyedi (CM/LM)
On the pitch: Playing anywhere across the midfield with a Ji-Sung
Park work rate, Jordan will battle for the full 90 minutes. Also a
gifted set-piece taker.
Off the pitch: An avid fan of deep house, Jordan will be hoping
the metric DJ is “on point.” Bit of a lady killer, can be expected to
break a few CSM hearts through the course of the evening.
Player Comparison: Ji-Sung Park
James Jeary (Inj)
Although not playing this year due to an 18 month knee injury, JJ
will feel just as much a part of the squad on the sidelines and deserves a mention. Comparable to Patches from Dodgeball, or
Chubbs from Happy Gilmore, JJ will speak with that same melancholy wisdom that comes from being deprived through injury of the
one thing he loves the most: the chance to play his sport.
Off the pitch: Expect tears of bittersweet joy from JJ when the
match is won.
Player Comparison: Jack Wilshere
Netball
Olivia ‘We didn’t meet on Tinder’ Chant-Tuft
4th Year Geology
Age: 21
Home County: Greater London
Position: Defence
Honed IC 2nd team player and RSM trooper through-and-through; Olivia has defended
the Bottle 4 years running. When taking time off from her tireless crusade against CSM
she enjoys piña coladas and long walks on the beach. Rating: 9/10
Rach ‘Nice Girl’ Shuttleworth
3rd Year Geology
Age: 20
Home County: North Lincolnshire
Position: Keeper
As an IC captain Rach knows netball, she’s tactical, resilient and fast. As RSM welfare
officer she is always encouraging and keep spirits high within the team, she will always
be smiling! RSM! RSM! RSM! Rach has a hunger in her belly and will do anything for
a win! Adaptable, she readily adapts to all situations making her dangerous in all
positions. CSM watch out! Rach’s height gives her a crazy lean to be feared by all!
Hardworking, she works hard for every ball and rarely misses an opportunity to take the
ball for herself. Rating: 10/10
Becca-upon-Tyne
3rd Year Geology
Age: 20
Home County: The Nunnery
Position: Defence
Becca has been playing for IC for the last 3 years, and is a seasoned bottle match
netballer. She will work hard in defence to intercept the ball and mark the CSM
attackers tightly. As strong as a bull, As fast as an eagle. The dependability of a caribou,
the agility of a cat. And wants none, unless you got buns hun (anaconda) BECCA.
Rating: 9/10
Jennifer ‘Squiwol’ Heyes
1st Year Materials
Age: 18
Home County: Greater Manchester
Position: Defence
Jenny is our cheekiest player both on and off the court; whether its getting dirty in
Lacrosse or downloading 'illegal content' over Imperial internet. As the youngest member
of the team we’re hoping she can behave whilst defending the Bottle. Jenny isn’t your
typical material girl; a keen engineer who will do anything for a bit of raspberry muff!
Rating: 8/10
Esme 'it rhymes with mallard' Stallard
2nd Year Geology
Position: Attack
Home County: Greater London
Age: 19
Originally from the gritty West-London suburbs this feisty fox is a
nightmare dressed like a daydream. Prone to frequent outbursts of
testiphobia we're hoping her fear of balls won't affect her performance in
the match. But don't be fooled by those curly locks and her heart of gold,
for her passionate hate of CSM burns like the firey pit from whence the
scum came.
WARNING: For external use only, may cause irritation.
Rating: 8/10
Emma 'HAM' Needham
4th Year Environmental Geoscience
Age: 21
Home County: Cheshire
Position: Centre
We all know Emma would make the perfect ham sandwich but here at
RSM we prefer not to eat our own. With her sweet and sassy features,
super speed and sneaky tactics she is the honey-cured touch the team
needs! Emma is a dedicated netball gal and is a former captain of both
RSM and IC teams. After recently ‘finding herself’ in Thailand; Emma
has decided to give back to society by volunteering at the Cornish Swine
Sanctuary, nursing genetically defected CSM young. What an angel.
Rating: 9/10
Alexandra ‘Pav’ Pavlovskis
2nd Year Geology
Age: 20
Home County: South Yorkshire
Position: Wing
A founding member of the club and a 2nd time Bottle Match defender;
Alex is a key vertebra in the northern backbone of this year’s team,
may her name be ever present in RSM History. Never afraid to speak
her mind; be wary of any backchat. With ball skills rivalling the RSM
football captain we can only wonder whom she learnt from. ‘Our AP’
puts CSM girls to shame in all departments.
N.B. (Seeking wealthy, older, attractive male masseur for post-training
deep tissue massage)
Rating: 8/10
Emma ‘El Capitan’ Crewdson
2nd Year Geology & Geophysics
Age: 20
Home County: Cumbria
Position: Flexible…
A true royal miner, one can only aspire to have such an affinity for a good
shaft and adventure. A solid base, back and tumbler in the IC cheerleading
squad; Emma built RSM Netball on strong foundations. Able to play the court
in any position; she is raring for her 2nd Bottle Match performance. Don’t let
the northern accent fool you; Emma grew up in Devon, harbouring a solid
hatred for the Cornish that will emanate through the entire tournament.
N.B. (Did a yard without spillage, necks a pint faster than Alex Rushforth)
Rating: 7/10
Alice 'The taller half of Ralice' Bennett
1st Year Geophysics
Age: 19
Home County: Greater Manchester
Position: Shooter
A proper shady Mancunian - Established in 1996; this fresh-faced grammar
school girl has been training hard for her Bottle Match debut. As our most up
front northerner, Alice has the ability to merk any Camborne miner. With
relentless carbo-loading and an aim to ‘stay-grounded’, Alice has shown
unrivalled commitment to the cause, even joining IC’s 4th team for extra Bottle
preparation.
Rating: 9/10
Sophie ‘Materials’ Andrew
4th Year Materials
Age: 22
Home County: Hertfordshire
Position: Shooter
Sophie is a cheapskates enthusiast turned good girl. Our remarkably
devoted shooter is a member and former captain of the IC 1st team and
will be experiencing her 2nd Bottle Match victory. When Sophie isn’t
enjoying kitchen rampages or entertaining young scallywags in metric,
you’ll likely find her being tall or on holiday.
Rating: 10/10
Badminton
The RSM Badminton Committee are pleased that Badminton has this year been introduced as a sport for the Bottle
Match! We have a great line-up of doubles who will compete against CSM:
Tom Barling and Haydn Orme
Tom has been an avid Bottle Match supporter over the years. Known
for having shite fancy dress (cowboy cannot be used for every
theme), Tom has a secret passion of wearing women’s clothes due to
his womanly legs. This year, however, is his opportunity to shine.
Haydn has shown her commitment to the sport by being instrumental
at setting up the club. A ginger in denial, she can often be found
dancing like ‘a spider on roller skates’ to the Jaws theme tune. With
‘controlled’ slut dropping as a key to her game, who knows what
shuttlecocks she’ll lunge for next..
Don’t worry, their badminton skillz are better than their taste in
fashion and chat
Tom Loves Baked Beans. Someone buy the man a can
Kenneth ‘JJ’ Leong and Daniel Chan
JJ is new to the RSM, but his disgust at all things
Camborne is no less passionate than any RSM alumni.
With a million-dollar smile and pick-up lines to die
for, he’ll have Camborne on their knees before the
match even starts…
Dan has exceptional taste in fruit-based headdresses
but has sadly hurt his left wrist. Advised to take it
easy handling shuttlecocks, we’ve been informed his
right hand is very strong. But with tardiness on the
cards, who knows if he’ll even make it to the match?
These two have been overheard saying that they will
be ‘winging it’…good luck boys!
Charlie Singer and Narissa Patel
Charlie is the club’s secretary with Wednesday legs
(when’s dey gonna break), but his prowess on the court
may take you by surprise. He’s been working on his
backhand but don’t worry ladies there won’t be any abuse
from this ‘gentleman’.
Narissa has been a dedicated member of the club since its
beginning last year, and she knows her way around the
court like a CSM student around a tin mine.
We’ve put in a special request that they both come wearing
these hats to the after party in Metric.
Squash
Marc Lelong
Marc took up squash few months into his relationship with Raf Pes. All we know is
that he had the uncontrollable urge to play with warm, dotted balls, leading to the
conclusion that his best performance may be seen in the bedroom.
Raf Pes
It is rumoured that the Colombian hipster has made a name for himself at
the bottle match last year. After he crushes them on court, Raf will once
again drink the inbred miners under the table.
Jack Wood
Jack definitely proved that last year that he learnt a thing or two about squash at the
Roxy swim school (he has trained for cheerleading since the age of 5). During the postmatch celebration, Jack is known for this “scandalous ways” from Essex.
Zac
Along with his range of squash tricks, Zac deceives opponents with his pleasantries
off the court. Zac was inducted into squash team this year as he has proven to be a
cold animal who will do whatever to keep the RSM name.
Anshumaan
They call him The Ansh for one reason — he anshes. Some say its actually
the Ansh, when anshing, that causes that butterfly to flap its wings setting up
the initial conditions for a hurricane. The Ansh Effect.
Your Events Team
Emergency Contact Details:
Ben Warnick: 07704159301
James Cox: 07538972048
Simon Escobar: 07746342500
Matt Pike: 07880901034
Sam Argyle
James Jeary
Jordan Seyedi
Madeleine Hann
Emma Crewdson
Rach Shuttleworth
Sarah Howarth