december is here and we are pumped for a great

WORDS FROM THE
WIZARD
DECEMBER IS HERE
AND WE ARE PUMPED
FOR A GREAT MONTH OF
SHOWS, GAMES, PEROGIES
AND XMAS FUN!!
Things have been busy at the ol’ House of TARG, our wizards
are working overtime to prepare for your visit – thank you
for a great year of action – we are grateful to everyone in our
community for the support over the last year!! Operating a
small business is a challenging and very rewarding experience
- we couldn’t do it without you. We’ve got so much happening
in the coming months and are excited to serve our community
by bringing in the best shows we can secure, the coolest
games we can find and a perogi menu that keeps growing –
never give up!!
- YOGI
an important year for music, as in that
same year FEED US A FETUS by the
DAYGLO ABORTIONS was released.
Well folks, lemme tell ya something.
Sure, MASTER OF PUPPETS was a
massive success for METALLICA, but
it’s seriously overrated, with many a
mediocre track on it. Yes, REIGN IN
BLOOD melts faces, but not every track
on it is all that memorable, and suffers
on the whole because of that. And yes,
PEACE SELLS (But who’s buying?)
is solid, but once again, definitely not
the strongest effort by Megadeth.
Until I find something that proves me
wrong, I’m going to say that FEED US
A FETUS, the quintessential album by
the DAYGLO ABORTIONS was the
best thrash album of 1986. FEED US
A FETUS is not only one of the best
examples of how much metal and punk
combined can kick ass, but also one of
the best Canadian punk/metal albums
of all time.
From the SNOTTY vocals of singer/
guitarist (and also the sole original
member in their current lineup) THE
CRETIN to their weird, thin guitar tone,
their absurd lyrics, and even their album
cover, the entire album should annoy
you. But for some reason, you can’t
help but immediately love it. The album
kicks off with the aptly named STUPID
SONGS, and you know you are in for
DAYGLO ABORTIONS
quite the ride. With trashy riffage and
Feed Us A Fetus
“whoa-ohs” a plenty, STUPID SONGS
Label: Fringe Product
absolutely destroys.You listen to it,
8,9,26 times in a row, and then proceed
HOO BOY FOLKS, WE GOT
to the rest of the album. Every single
A REAL CLASSIC ON OUR
HANDS HERE. 1986, as you should song on this album is memorable (and
all know, brought us some of the best with over 20 tracks, that’s quite the
and most iconic thrash metal albums feat), and after only a few listens you
will be singing along to every chorus
of all time (Peace Sells, Reign in
here and banging yer head. While few
Blood, Master of Puppets, you get
of the songs here expand beyond the
the idea). However, all these albums
are of iconic American bands, so it is crossover thrash formula, they are
all distinct, and don’t blend together
clear the music historians were not
thinking about what the hosers were
CONTINUED ON PAGE 10
up to when deciding why this was
SKA
JEFF’S
HI-FIVES:
YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKS ABOUT THE
HOLIDAYS? ANNOYING CHRISTMAS
CAROLS. FORTUNATELY (OR FOR SOME
UNFORTUNATELY), THERE ARE A FEW X-MAS
JAMS WRITTEN SPECIFICALLY TO KEEP YOU
HEADBANGIN’ THE ENTIRE YULETIDE SEASON.
HELP ME SLO’ TOM: My girlfriend dumped me, plus I lost my job
at The Source by Circuit City (formerly Radio Shack, a division
of Tandy Leather Goods). It’s a drag, but I can deal with it. The
problem is, over the years I’ve exaggerated my lifestyle a teensyweensy bit… I’ve told my parents that I’m the CEO of a high tech
company and that my fiancé is a big wig in the Foreign Service. Now
the holidays are almost here. I don’t want to ruin Christmas but I’ve
got to tell them… right? – Signed: Desper8
#5. SPINAL TAP:
CHRISTMAS WITH
THE DEVIL (1984):
This was released on
7” and includes the
“Scratch Mix”.
#3. WE WISH YOU A
METAL XMAS AND
A HEADBANGING
NEW YEAR (2008):
Let’s just say Lemmy
does a version of Run
Rudolph Run. What
more could you ask
for?
#4. TWISTED
SISTER: A TWISTED
CHRISTMAS (2006):
Twisted Sister released
an x-mas album? Yep!
& it’s better than what
Grandma planned on
throwing on.
#2. CRISTOPHER
LEE: A HEAVY
METAL CHRISTMAS
(2012): Christopher
Lee playing metal
versions of x-mas
songs? Amazing! Rest
in peace, my good sir.
Hey Desper8: No offense, but unless your parents are as stupid as you, there’s
no way they believe the lies you’ve told them. So stick with the charade – trust
me, they’re already playing along! Happy Holidays!
#1. WE WISH
YOU A HAIRY
CHRISTMAS:
(2003) Warrant,
Danger Danger,
L.A. Guns and
others doing
x-mas tunes like
Jingle Bell Rock.
The stench of
cheese is strong
on this album, but
it still rules.
DEAR MR. SLO’: Every year my brother invites me to spend
Christmas with his family and I hate it! It’s total chaos: they start
drinking at noon, somebody always burns the turkey, and last year
one of the nephews puked in my stocking! How do I politely decline
this yearly nightmare without offending him?
– Signed: Not-So-Merry-Christmas
Dear Not-So-Merry-Christmas: No offense, but you sound like a real dick.
Christmas is a time to count your blessings. I receive hundreds of letters
from readers who are dreading truly horrendous festive family gatherings…
In comparison, what you describe sounds positively heartwarming! You’re
practically living in a goddam Norman Rockwell painting, for christ sakes. Stop
your belly aching. Maybe if you join them and start drinking at noon you might
not be such a wet blanket this year, you jerk.
HEY THERE TOM: WHAT’S THE PERFECT GIFT CAN I GET FOR
THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE WHO HAS EVERYTHING?
– Signed: PerfectPresent
Dear PerfectPresent: That “special someone who has everything”
really just wants more time with YOU!!! Show your love by taking them out for
some fine, high class culture. I know what you’re thinking: the NAC Orchestra or
maybe the ballet! Yeah, right! That stuff is expensive… & boring! I’m talking the
15th Annual SEASON’S BEATINGS Holiday Spectacular live at TARG December
18 & 19! See ya there, perfectpresent
GAME OF THRONES
PINBALL LAUNCH
PARTY
Presented by: Ottawa Punk
Pinball & OttawaPinball.com
Cover: FREE
Doors: 5pm
Tournament Qualifying Hours:
Wed Dec 16 5pm-10pm
TRON LEGACY
SKILL SHOT
All Ages/All Skill Levels Welcome!
TOURNAMENT FORMAT
Best Game Qualifying (Unlimited
Entries). Qualifying entries may be
purchased and played between
5pm-10pm with Tournament Finals
thereafter. Drop in anytime to try
and throw down a high score! Top 4 Scores/Players of the night
make Finals (4 player head-to-head single elimination game).
COSTS - NO COVER - PAY TO PLAY Single Game Entries - $TBD
(game will be on FREEPLAY - no coin drop - just buy your entry/
entries and play!) Unlimited Entries/No Cap
PRIZES -100% of Entry $$$ will be given back to players in the prize
pool (less nominal $10 deduction for event expenses)
Get the ball into FLYNN’S
ARCADE (where the cool little
TRON arcade machine is). If
you plunge softly, the ball rolls
through the one-way gate at
the end of the shooter lane on
the right, & can bounce off
the Flynn’s divider to fall into
the scoop (A) for 500K points.
DRACULA
SKILL SHOT
This one is purely a matter of
timing. The display will show
a three-faced gargoyle (A),
with each face flashing in turn.
When the ball hits the Drop
Target after being launched,
the Skill Shot award depends
on the face which is lit. The
left face awards 100K, and the
right face awards 500K. The
center face awards 1M the first
time, increasing by 1M each
subsequent time to a maximum
of 5M.
WICKED ALBUMS
REVIEWED BY A
MILLENNIAL CONTINUED
distinct, and don’t blend together
while maintaining a distinct sound
throughout.
While much of the lyrical content on
F.U.A.F. is absolutely ridiculous and
contains a healthy dose of offensive
material, it’s nothing that you should
be shocked at (unless you happen
to be the grand duke of PCVille).
While I’m sure even the Dayglos
themselves would admit a few songs
here are completely nonsensical
(read the lyrics to dog farts if you
haven’t), there are multiple tracks
where they show their political
side. Many of their more political
songs are at least slightly jokey
still, and very clever (ex. Ronald
McRaygun). There is one track (by
the name of BEDTIME STORY),
where all humour is forgotten, and
they have lyrics that are reminiscent
of Discharge in that they deal with
the horrors of war, and the day the
bombs drop on us.
Combining hardcore punk and
thrash riffs with snotty punk vocals,
the Dayglos set the standard for
the legions of joke punk and party
thrash bands (Such as Municipal
Waste) that have formed since. Even
in Ottawa, there are bands that were
inspired by the ridiculous metal/punk
of the Dayglos ( such as local hoser
thrashers World War 4).
Catch the DAYGLO ABORTIONS
at TARG TUES DEC 29 with local
drunk punx SHOOTIN’ BLANX,
intergenerational metal/punk
METAL PATROL & local punx
FUCKMOUTH. Odds are they’ll play
some stuff off F.U.A.F. so everyone
should come on down and see this
legendary band.
A GUIDE TO ALL THE CONCERTS TAKING
PLACE AT HOUSE OF TARG THIS DECEMBER
PARTY/TOURNAMENT We are very
proud to have one of the newest
STERN machines on location and
are throwing a party to celebrate –
tournament starts at 5pm, all skill
levels welcome, no cover, pay to play
– give r a rip!! *prizes*
THURS DEC 17 – House of TARG,
THURS DEC 3 – House of TARG and
PBR present: 80’s DANCE PARTY with
REMI ROYALE A dance party featuring
an eclectic selection of songs and
videos from the 80’s, Price Is Right style
games for the audience to participate
in and win prizes. Videogames. Pinball.
Pop-up sing-a-longs with host MC and
DJ,Remi Royale!!! The most authentic
80’s experience!! *hot dogs*
FRI DEC 4 – House of TARG, Beau’s
All Natural and Valhalla holdings
present: WARSENAL + DEALER + ACID
CROSS This amazing line-up of wicked
metal talent is 100% GuaranteedHeavy!
Thrash/Speed Metal, Crossover/Thrash,
Blackened Metal Punk/Thrash - this
is also the tape release show for ACID
CROSS’ Black Moon Rites! *Stoked*
SAT DEC 5 – House of TARG,
Spectrasonic and Ashton Brewing
present: THE ELWINS + HEYROCCO
+ MOSELY A sweet night of indie/pop,
grunge/pop and Ottawa rock!! Big
thanks as to our pals at Spectrasonic
for their hard work consistently booking
killer touring talent – awesome!!
*Ottawa*
TUES DEC 8 – House of TARG
and Spectrasonic present: RITUAL
+ ‘68 + HERE COMES BIGFOOT +
HALFSLEEPER. Pounding, unforgiving
metalcore, dissonant angular
guitar riffs... harsh barks creating an
impermeably claustrophobic sonic
environment – sold!! *School night –
early doors, 8pm*
WED DEC 9 – House of TARG
presents: COOL KIDS CRAFT SHOW
No Cover, doors at 5pm – huge list
of vendors to check out, get all your
xmas shopping done and support local
artists while you’re doin’ it!! Pottery,
t-shirts, zines, silk screened patches,
embroidery, knitted accessories,
original artwork, prints metal work,
guitar pedals, used and vintage
clothing, tarot card readings, hand
painted shirts and christmas cards,
lingerie, wood work, jewelry – nuff
said? *1$ off perogies*
THURS DEC 10 – House of TARG
and PBR present: 80’s DANCE PARTY
with REMI ROYALE A dance party
featuring an eclectic selection of
songs and videos from the 80’s, Price
Is Right style games for the audience
to participate in and win prizes.
Videogames. Pinball. Pop-up singa-longs with host MC and DJ,Remi
Royale!!! The most authentic 80’s
experience!! *hot dogs*
FRI DEC 11 – House of TARG and
Beau’s All Natural present: BCASA
+ BOIDS + CRITICULL The selfproclaimed greatest band in the
universe, has proclaimed that THIS will
be the last banger in Ottawa! The walls
of HOUSE OF TARG will barely be able
to contain the flood of sweaty hugs
and kisses! *do not miss*
SAT DEC 12 – House of TARG,
Ashton Brewing & Shade Nyx’s Theatre
Macabre present – NAUGHTY, NOT
NICE: A KINKY KRISTMAS SHOW!.
– always a pleasure to host an
evening of burlesque featuring some
of Ottawa’s best routines and talent benefits to the Cornerstone Women’s
Shelter *adult content*
WED DEC 16 – House of TARG,
Ottawa Pinball and Ottawa Punk
Pinball League present: GAME
OF THRONES PINBALL LAUNCH
PBR and Spectrasonic present: A
WILHELM SCREAM + PEARS +
BRUTAL YOUTH + PISTOLS AT
DAWN Join us for a killer night of
melodic-hardcore/punk/rock – this bill
is stacked!! *guitar wizards*
FRI DEC 18/SAT DEC 19 – House
of TARG, Beau’s All Natural, Ashton
Brewing and Necro Amusements
present: SEASONS BEATINGS!! Two
nights of Xmas fun featuring weirdo
movies, projections, prizes and a
lineup of bands/talent that’ll have you
crying in your beer in no time NITE ONE: REMI ROYALE + SLO’
TOM + SUPER AWESOME CLUB
NITE TWO: FLYING FORTRESS +
WORLD WAR 4 + BLACKBREAD
*kookoobananas*
TUES DEC 29 – House of TARG and
Chord Productions present: DAYGLO
ABORTIONS + SHOOTIN’ BLANX
+ METAL PATROL + FUCK MOUTH
The Dayglo’s are quite possibly the
definition of “Canuck Punk”. Formed
during the heyday of Punk back
in 1979. Look forward to seeing
founding member Murray “The Cretin”
perform some of the most storied
tunes from their amazing metal
infused punk catalogue. What a treat!
*legends*
WED DEC 30 – House of TARG
presents: THE FUSE + REMEMBER
THE ARCADIANS + THE ICE COLD
BEERS + STREET HILLS + CAVES
+ SAM BARKWELL All ages show!!
Come check out some great bands,
games and perogies – have fun and
respect the rules/guidelines of an
all ages event so we can keep em’
comin!! *nevergiveup*
THURS DEC 31 – House of TARG and
PBR present – NEW YEARS EVE 2015
QUARANTINE – hooo boy, this one is
gonna be a doozy. Tickets on sale at
the bar for a night you won’t ever forget
- TARG has become well known for our
HALLOWEEN and NEW YEARS shows
– every year we take it up a notch and
push ourselves to bring you an insane
night of entertainment, prizes, games
and weirdo fun PLUS there will be plenty
of dancing courtesy of DJ KJMaxx & DJ
REMI ROYALE – join us - we have the
*virus 2.0.1.5.* vaccine!!!
EVERY SUNDAY – FREEPLAY
AFTER 9PM House of TARG and Steam
Whistle Brewing present: TOUGHEN
UP! w/ DJ KJMaxx + guests - spinning
your favourite WAX arcade jams from
9pm till 2am – All the Pinball & Classic
Arcade Game Action You Can Handle
For Just 5 Measly Canadian Dollars.
ABSOLUTELY NASTY,
HORRIBLE & PASSIVE
AGGRESSIVE GIFT IDEAS
FOR THE
MILITANT VEGAN
When they open up
this gross box of nonbiodegradable meat
& cheese & exclaim
“consumption of animal
products is unethical”, you
can tell them “don’t sweat it,
the rest of us don’t eat this
crap either!”
FOR YOUR
ANNOYING COUSIN
Nothing says “I’m just
phoneing it in” like a lottery
ticket. Go with a long shot
sequence of losing numbers
& make sure they know you
hand picked the digits just for
them. How sweet of you!
FOR YOUR
CRAPPY BOSS
Yer boss knows they’re incompetent
right? Test your hypothesis with a
personalized cup. If she asks for
an unnecessary TPS report while
hovering over your desk with the new
mug, you will know the message was
delivered “successfully”.
FOR YOUR
EX BOYFRIEND
He dumped you for a younger woman
even though he is on the verge of losing
all of his hair. It’s Just a matter of time
before he gets crushed & spends a life
alone. Spray on hair doesn’t work & is
a gentle reminder that he will never get
you or his awesome Johnny-Depp-Do
back. In your face jerk!
FOR YOUR
BIGSHOT TORONTO FRIEND
There are advantages to living in a
world class city: opportunity, nice
shoes, seeing the Melvins & your
Tdot pal constantly lets you
know it. This irresistible gift will
have them questioning why
they can’t play pinball & eat
perogies in their precious city.
HA! Toque touché! Pre-order
one at bar before they all
end up in Toronto.
FOR YOUR
EX GIRLFRIEND
She dumped you for a guy who
actually has an income & a drivers
license but you are sick of seeing
her lame Jamaican wedding pics on
Facebook. Totally mean but imagine
the fury you could cause with this
gift. Unleash the xmas fury!
ARMATRON
a joystick controlled
robotic arm. Once
you got bored moving
around the objects
of the fake radiation
set, you moved on to
dipping your fries into
ketchup which took
+3hrs and made the last
ones cold and inedible.
PXL2000
(PIXELVISION)
used audio cassettes
to record video/
PLAY
WITH
SOME
OF
audio & was so
THESE TOYS AT THE NEXT
cheap compared to
vid cams in the 80’s,
instead of having
10 cassettes of me
& my friends farts, I
have 10 cassettes of
audio AND video of
our farts.
80’S DANCE
PARTY WITH
REMI ROYALE
T H U R S DAY
DECEMBER 10
CAPTAIN POWER
COUCH POTATO
TEDDY RUXPIN
was an animatronic talking bear
who’s mouth and eyes moved
while “reading” stories that were
played on a cassette deck built
into it. Even cooler when it lip
syncs Maiden tapes.
The term “Couch Potato”
was first used in 1976,
but with the advent of
VHS, gaming consoles &
maybe the best decade
for junk food, Couch
Potato, came out at the
peak of being Le King
Of Le Divan (see Plastic
Bertrand), in the 80’s.
a TV show with
A/V segments that
interacted with toys.
The post-apocalyptic
storyline, violence,
shooting guns at
the screen & reports
of seizures from
the flickering lights
activating the toys
sank the toy line.
BACK IN STOCK
IRON MAIDEN, TROOPER ALE
Sovereign Beverage Company Ltd
Alcohol/Vol - 4.7%
Made in: England, United Kingdom
Style: Medium & Malty
Trooper is a premium British beer created by Iron
Maiden’s Bruce Dickinson & hand crafted by
Robinson’s brewery in Stockport.