Targ Zine - Mustaches for Kids

WORDS FROM THE
WIZARD
Welcome to issue #8 of TARG zine – our
monthly publication which exists to
entertain our friends/patrons with humour
and fun while informing you of our plans
and dreams, future shows, exciting games
and the killer artistic scene which grows
within our community.
Each month the amazing staff at House of TARG and our friends/collegues
contribute their creative ideas/input (often over late night pinball sessions) to
the zine and every month we enjoy a great feeling of accomplishment and pride
when reading the final edit. We thank you all for your interest and dedication to
our unfolding story – this adventure is like no other, full of growth, adaptation,
imagination and of course tons of hard work. We would also like to thank
our friends and sponsors who make this publication possible logistically and
financially – your help is well appreciated. We’ve got a lot of work to do and a
ton of wicked fun to get to – dig in and enjoy!!
– Yogi
THE SHOUT OUT LIST:
Melanie at Beau’s All Natural, Shane at PBR/Sleeman, Curtis
Delaney, Ska Jeff, Josh Grace, Geoff Parr, Felix, Jennilee°Murray,
Jennie°Lynn°MacDonald & all the TARG Wizards.
THE TARG
RUSTIC
BRUNCH
SATURDAY & SUNDAY 11 AM - 3PM
ALL THE GAMES ARE ON FOR THESE EXTENDED FAMILY FRIENDLY BRUNCHTASTIC HOURS ALL AGES WELCOME!
FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF NOVEMBER ALL QUARTERS PUMPED
INTO WRESTLEFEST WILL BE DONATED TO A COOL CHARITY
CALLED MUSTACHES FOR KIDS (M4K).
They grow lip hair to raise money for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Since 8
of the 10 selectable characters in WrestleFest are afflicted with facial hair, we
thought we would lend some of our arcade moustache power to this great
cause. The Ottawa chapter of M4K has been growing since 2005 and has raised
over $150,000. Amazing.
JAKE “THE SNAKE”
ROBERTS
Trademark Move : DDT
EARTHQUAKE
Trademark Move : Earthquake Vertical Splash
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Trademark Move : The
Cobra Clutch
HULK HOGAN
Trademark Move : Leg
Drop
THE BIG BOSS MAN
Trademark Move : The
Boss Man Slam
THE M4K DUDES
Trademark Move : Helping
Kids
It’s hard to believe something as cool as pinball was banned. Thankfully some
determined amusements operators fought the power until pinball machines
were officially legal in Ottawa around mid 1976.
Movember is that magical time of year in which folks let
their beards grow much longer than they really should. As
it so happens men (and a few women) in Northern Europe
have a tendency to grow amazing beards. And as we all
know, black metal has a cult following (pun intended) in
Northern Europe being very popular among its beardos.
To tie this all together, as it so happens this album coined
the term black metal, and many claim that Venom was a
leader in the first wave of black metal.
Now, what I must address is that this album is far from the
sound of any black metal I’ve ever heard, in fact it sounds
more like a speed metal album to me. However, even
to it. Raise the Dead is really
just the faster third of this
song, and while simple is still
memorable. Teacher’s Pet,
while honestly not one of my
preferred tracks on this record,
it is worth listening to for the
It kicks off with the title track… sheer hilarity (it’s basically
about some kid having weird
a great song but makes as
detention sex with his teachmuch sense as a sack full of
er). Considering though that
drunk badgers. One moment
the rest of the album is about
Cronos is shouting about nuSatan’s socks and how cool
clear warfare, the next about
a colour black is, it makes me
cranking up his amps, & then
wonder if the band wrote this
about “black leather hounds,
song as a bet to someone.
faster than sound”… what
“Hey man, bet you 5 quid I can
in holy hell is a black leather
hound? Even if the lyrics make put a song about having sex
with my teacher in an album
little sense, it is hard not to
that has nothing to do with
bang your head & scream
that, and no-one will notice”.
“lay down your souls to the
gods rock and roll!” during the Considering Venom may have
been the first band to write
chorus. “To Hell and Back”
a song about this with most
is a relatively good track,
of the metaphor gone, they
though once again, the lyrics
may have unwittingly inspired
sound like something a drunk
Satanist would yell at a church all those weird pornogrind
bands and f*cked up Cannibal
with no one in it.
Corpse songs most people
try to forget exist. God damn
The next track is buried alive
it Venom, metal was weird
(although I would lump in the
enough already…
track after it as it leads into
it) which while very slow, it
Moving on…essentially are
has a very nice atmosphere
though this is by no means
real black metal (It wasn’t
even really a genre when this
album was made in ‘82) it is
very heavy and aggressive for
its time.
of the songs on the second
side are straight up thrashers.
Sacrifice, Heaven’s on fire and
Leave me in Hell are catchy
as… well, hell. Countess
Bathory and Don’t Burn the
Witch are two of my favorite
tracks on this album. Both of
which have neck-snapping
riffs and great “scream along”
choruses.
Overall, this album kicks
some serious demonic ass,
and while the songs are
generally not very complex,
this album finds its strength
in its simplicity. I don’t really
see this albums influence on
black metal outside of the
name, however its influence
on thrash is obvious, from the
harsh vocals to riffs that break
the headbangability scale.
And considering that it was
released a year before Metallica’s debut (which is largely
regarded as the beginning of
thrash), this is the go to album
for you Europeans who want
to prove that you invented
thrash, and I would probably
have to agree with them.
WIZARD
OF THE MONTH
CHEF JAY
HE HAS THE HAIR OF
PREDATOR, THE LEXICON
OF BOB MCKENZIE, THE
HANDS OF JULIA CHILD
(SHE WAS A BIG LADY) &
MOST OF THE HIGH SCORES
AT TARG. CHEF JAY IS A
TRUE PEROGI WIZARD,
PINBALL FANATIC, SWELL
GUY & PLAYS A HUGE PART
IN THE TARG ADVENTURE.
CURRENT BANDS YER IN
Regret, with other projects in the
works.
FAVE BANDS
CURTIS D. IS THE MASTERMIND BEHIND THESE HILARIOUS
“ADVENTURES OF TARG” COMIX.
HEY IT’S
TRONY-O
IS HE THE TRON
CHAMP?
We think he might
be. Challenge him
any Sun FreePlay
Nite at TARG!
Faith No More, Rush, State of Fear,
The Police, Disrupt, Politikill Incorrect.
Conflict, Death
Ottawa Punk Pinball League (OPPL)
and the House of TARG present
‘FLIP OFF HUNGER’
- an IFPA Competitive Pinball
Tournament in support of the Ottawa
Food Bank. Head-to-Head Brackelope
Tournament.
Win Prizes! Earn WPPR Points!.
This is the real deal ballers! Registration
$5 from 11am-12. Tournament starts at
12:30 sharp.
CURRENT HIGH SCORES
Spiderman, Iron Man, Star Wars ep. 1,
Dr. Who, Dracula, Teriminator 2 (grand
champion)
FAVE OTTAWA RESTAURANTS
Zen Kitchen, Horn of Africa, Ahoras,
DRINK OF CHOICE
Ashton Brewing Company’s brown.
OPPL is a Social pinball league in
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada with meets/
tournaments held at House of TARG
Facebook: Ottawa Punk Pinball League
Instagram: @ottawapunkpinball
Twitter: @punkpinball
SO YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT
GROWING A MOUSTACHE, EH?
Growing a moustache is not a decision to take lightly – you’ve gotta think this thing
through before you sit down and start churning one out!
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE RIGHT LOOK FOR YOU?
Believe it or not, there’s significant downsides to having facial hair. A ‘stache will definitely
make you look older. Now of course, if you’re 15 and trying to score a case of beer, sporting
a “dirt squirrel” will really do the trick! But if you’re like me, you don’t need anything to make
you look any older! And what if it turns out you don’t have that manly, thick, luscious facial
hair like Stalin or that guy in Husker Du? What if it’s thin, patchy and vaguely pervy like
Prince or Johnny Depp? You’d better make sure you can ‘pull it off’… or you’ll be shaving
it off!
YOU’RE DETERMINED TO GIVE IT A SHOT – HOW TO START?
Well, you’ve only got two choices, kid. When I decide to get funky and grow a
“snot-mop”, I hide out in my parents’ basement for a month and then trim whatever I’ve got
into something I can bear to be seen with. The other option is to stop shaving the part you
think you want to keep and hope your friends and co-workers won’t start asking questions.
It’s a gamble. But hey, that brings us to #3…
YOU’VE GROWN A PRETTY COOL “COOKIE-DUSTER”
You’re a moustache kind of guy. You’ve proven yourself a gambler. You’re the kind of guy
who says: “To hell with the squares! I’ve got a moustache and I don’t give a hoot what
The Man thinks!” Congratulations! Now get out there, stand tall and show the world your
“womb-broom”!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Slo’ Tom is a heavily active musician and
is always committed to entertaining his
audience… just look at that MOUTH MIRKEN
he grew for one of the last Furnaceface tours…
now that’s selflessness! He has probably
fixed your Peavy Bandit & is one of the head
honchos over at Spaceman Music. You can see
him perform with his bands “Slo’ Tom & The
Handsome Devils, ManPower & Hey Buster.
SAT NOV 1st – House of TARG and Ottawa
Explosion present TV FREAKS (Hamilton)
and BRAT KINGS (Montreal) – are you friggin
kidding me? I hope not, I can’t wait for this
show. Killer high energy punk rock attitude
and riffage. Super recommended. Earplugs
required.
THURS NOV 6th – Steam Whistle and The
Carleton Metal Ravens present – HEAVY
METAL KARAOKE NITE – members of
this Carleton University based club love
metal. Alot. Get up on the TARG stage and
show us what u got or watch others while
laughing your ass off. No divas, air guitaring
encouraged.
FRI NOV 7th – 10th Annual Canadian
Legion Benefit Punk Rock Show – come
check out some great local punk bands
(SLUMLORD and FOUR STROKE) and finish
your evening off with a 22 piece pipe and
drum band!! (SONS OF SCOTLAND) all
proceeds to veterans, their wives, families
or widows in need. Good cause, great show.
Catch part two of this great initiative the
next night at the best tavern in Ottawa (the
DOM).
SAT NOV 8th – House of TARG and
CKCUfm present - EVIL FARM CHILDREN
with special guests TONGUE FOO –
Whaaaat? One time reunion show here
for EVIL FARM CHILDREN – this is your
last chance to see and hear this legendary
Ottawa based band and the openers ain’t
no slouches either - featuring members of
TEENAGE HEAD and THE KILLJOYS.
SUN NOV 9th – TOUGHEN UP and House
of TARG present – THE ABOVE (NY) Dj
KJMAXX of MOTHERS CHILDREN and
SUN freeplay fame brings his pals all the
way from Brooklyn New York for a special
midnight performance. Stoked!!
THURS NOV 13th – House of Targ/Steam
Whistle present – THE NON PROFIT BAND,
PHANTOM HOG and TBA – ZEPPELIN
influenced rock band fronted by an
internationally acclaimed violin virtuoso?
Yup, sounds about right, true story.
Intrigued and excited.
FRI NOV 14th/SAT NOV 15th – SURF N
TURF and House of TARG present – SURF
N TURF 2014 – year two of Ottawa’s only
surf, instro and garage rock festival!! Killer
bands galore featuring THE REVERB
SYNDICATE (Ott) The EVIL STREAKS
(Boston) THE HUARACHES (Kingston)
MUCK AND THE MIRES (Boston) POW
WOWS (To) and THE SIR JOHN A
McDONALDS. Transmission received!!
WED NOV 19th – Bleak Life and House of
TARG present – WARCRY, ASILE, SILENT
ORDER, MASSACRE DIVINE. Heavy, fast,
pounding, loud, amazing hardcore punk.
You know and if you don’t then you will.
THURS NOV 20th – Megaphono and
House of TARG present – QUINTRON with
MISS PUSSYCAT and UNCLE PHIL AND
FRIENDS. Spellcaster 2 (Death in space)
album tour – puppet show/party style
shout jams/organ/vibraphone/breaking
glass/and some sort of new instrument/
invention called the Weather Warlock. Let
the adventure begin.
FRI NOV 21st – Steam Whistle/Buzz
Unsigned and House of TARG present –
HSY with THE YIPS, THE BEVERLEYS and
BONNIE DOON. A charitable music event with
the spotlight on killer Canadian talent/bands
including some real treats from Ottawa!!
Everybody wins.
SAT NOV 22nd – ABC Brewery and House
of TARG present – FLIGHT DISTANCE with
BUCKn’NICE, TUKAN and PREHISTORIC.
Dual album release night featuring some
amazing local and out of town live rap. That’s
right!!
WED NOV 26 – Honest Heart Collective
and House of Targ present – RM and THE
HONEST HEART COLLECTIVE with CAST
IN CADENCE and US WITH WOLVES. Good
times, good tunes, good fun!!
THURS NOV 27 – Arboretum Festival present
– HOODED FANG + ORGAN EYES + BLONDE
ELVIS. We are excited to have Toronto’s artpunk party band, HOODED FANG for the first
time at TARG. The line-up is killer!
FRI NOV 28th – Beau’s All Natural and
House of TARG present – YUMA COUNTY
with CHRIS PAGE (our Nov pin-up Boy) and
CHOPS AND THE HOLICS. A special night
of performances from local friends and icons
featuring our second performance from YUMA
COUNTY, a welcome first by CHRIS PAGE
and a highly anticipated set from Chops with
his new backing band the DEAD BEES. Killer!!
He loves his Nana, Nono,
Nina, Nino… Nano Nano
Nina Nono!
He CAN divide by zero...
its a fact!
Thumbs up for this chic
wrestler.
A gambler & a warrior
from a gassy planet.
I’m on a boat, you
Stubing idiot!
P.A.C.K. your bags if can’t
identify this villain.
SAT NOV 29th – House of TARG present
BILL COSBY ANARCHIST SOCIETY OF
AMERICA + DIRTY CHURCH. BCASOA are
punk as f@ck and have songs about the
TMNT’s, Mortal Kombat & Street Fighter.
Sounds like a perfect fit for TARG.
1. Cheech Marin 2. Chuck Norris 3. The Iron Sheik - WWF Thumb Wrestlers
4. Lando Calrissian & Bespin Guard - The Empire Strikes Back 5. Isaac - bartender from Love Boat
6. Zorak from Big Jim
ANSWERS
SUN NOV 30th - Ottawa Punk Pinball League
(OPPL) and the House of TARG present ‘Flip
Off Hunger’ - an IFPA Competitive Pinball
Tournament in support of the Ottawa Food
Bank. Head-to-Head Brackelope Tournament.
Win Prizes! Earn WPPR Points!. This is the
real deal ballers! Registration from 11am-12.
Tournament starts at 12:30 sharp.
10 years ago this month,
Ottawa’s own Odessa
Filmworks satisfied fans with a
2nd Harry Knuckles adventure.
Harry Knuckles and the Pearl
Necklace is a punch-drunk
dream come true: bigger,
longer, and hairier than ever
before.
SEE IT AGAIN
SAT NOV 22
At The
Mayfair
Theatre
#5 DEREK SMALLS - SPINAL TAP
He wears a mega thick crumb catcher. Having access to
remnants of past sandwiches is ideal if you often get trapped in
a stage prop.
#4 MERLE ALLIN
When your brother is GG Allin you have no choice but to
go full tilt with your mouser. Merle’s take on the “forbidden”
moustache is a bold statement but I’ll bet the poor bastard
hasn’t enjoyed the delights of soup in years
#3 BA JOHNSTON
This guys is constantly on lonely Canadian highways, playing
one town to the next. His Celibacy stache keeps him on the
straight and narrow so he can focus on his craft… performing
music & and shopping for sweaters.
#2 GIORGIO MORODER
This influential italian musician/producer harnessed the
cheesiness of his nose bug to power analogue synthesizers
and pioneer dance music.
#1 GREG NORTON - HUSKER DU
Arguable the most perfect moustache in Rock. It was also
functional though. What else can you do when your band
mates are constantly fighting but twirl you tea strainer.
YEAH, I SNUCK INTO TARG ON A RAINY SATURDAY MORNING
TO DO SOME SERIOUS UNDERCOVER RECON WORK – I’VE
BEEN CURIOUS ABOUT HOW THIS RUSTIC BRUNCH IDEA
WOULD UNFOLD AND WANTED TO HAVE SOME FUN…
When I woke up I unbolted the bottom
half of my legs (at the knee) and after reattaching my feet I had shrunk by a good 2
feet.
After swapping out my standard voice
box for a more high pitched model I set to
aging myself by a good 20 years, this took
around 20 minutes of intense concentration
but the end result was worth it. I knew that
wizards are notoriously difficult to fool so the
next step was to mask my natural scent with
something that they would never suspect, I
settled on a knapsack full of smoked herring
and topped it off with 5 cloves of raw garlic
mixed into a small pot of warm roofing tar. After
attaching a pair of high powered binoculars to
my forehead (using a mixed array of Meccano
toys) I realized that I needed a really sweet hat
Jennie°Lynn°MacDonald’s illustrated of
– luckily I had just received such a hat two
Undercover Yogi. Wizards cannot be photographed while in shape shifted states.
weeks prior from a close friend who’s head
no longer required coverage (due to the
fact that he had decided to become a duck) this hat would be perfect, it was actually
more like 4 hats in one, built on a rotating platform and guided by a compass.
I finally settled on a beige safari suit that I had been itching to wear ever since my
unfortunate business with the Grabo Grabo tribe. I slipped on my octopus shoes and
climbed out on the roof of my house – the roller coaster would be by at any minute and
I didn’t want to be late - it only comes by twice a day. Grabbing the captain’s arm as
he comes flying by is always a challenge but today was perfect, I even pulled the rope
at just the right time and only had to walk backwards 3 blocks to get to the front door
of House Of TARG.
No one recognized me. Brunch was great. - Wizard Yogi
TARG BRUNCH SAT & SUN 11AM-3PM
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