uncensored

E8
H
TORONTO STAR
H
SUNDAY, MARCH 6, 2011
ON ON0
SUNDAY, MARCH 6, 2011
ON ON0
H
TORONTO STAR
H
E9
ENTERTAINMENT
STARGAZING
Winning! Learn how to in three easy steps
Break out of your non-winning rut and be the best you that you can be with the sage advice of Oliver Stone, Hugh Jackman, Paris Hilton and Christina Bale
BY MALENE ARPE
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
Kim Kardashian throws an okay stink-eye, but she still has a long
way to go before she can begin to compete with the manicurist.
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
Halle Berry buys her daughter Nahla half the inventory at
Toys R Us, but Nahla’s favourite toy remains the Mommy &
Daddy, Please Stop Being Self-Serving Douchebags Doll.
Just one celebrity tongue this week. All the other
celebrity tongues curled up and got all embarrassed and
sad when they saw Hugh Jackman’s celebrity tongue.
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
Kate Beckinsale just needs a shot of adrenaline and a bloody mary
and she’ll be fine. And perhaps a cold shower. And some oxygen.
Five doses of whatever Charlie is on. A dog bite. And a lots of ice.
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
To her abject horror, Amanda Seyfried
discovers that her legs have been swapped
with someone else’s legs while she slept.
GONZALO FUENTES/REUTERS
Things Lady Gaga, the godmother of Elton John’s son, can teach her godson: 1) How to smoke. 2) How to wear a
felt Frisbee on your head. 3) How to do a space-age Sally Bowles. 4) How to use lighting to your advantage.
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
MARK J. TERRILL/AP PHOTO
KEVIN WINTER/GETTY IMAGES
MARK J. TERRILL/AP PHOTO
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
Now that the awards season is finally over, it’s time for a retrospective of Super-Awesome Christian Bale Yell Faces.
Here he is at the Golden Globes, the Critics Choice Awards, the Screen Actors Guild Awards and the Oscars.
CRAIG BARRITT/GETTY IMAGES
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
What got stuck in Pamela Anderson’s hair? A) Gum. B) Stickers. C) Glue. D)
An entire hive of vicious, genetically enhanced, weapon-grade killer bees.
“Hope is for suckers
and tools.”
ASSASSIN SHERIFF
GUS RUELAS/REUTERS
Despite appearances to the contrary, Tamara Mellon and
Claire Danes aren’t cult leaders. They merely run a small
retreat dedicated to the magical properties of tiger blood.
UNCENSORED:
The saddest
news ever
It was terribly cold and windy the other day so
Paris Hilton sensibly put on a nice woollen hat, a
warm jacket and a scarf. Imagine her surprise
when, despite bundling up like that, she still
came down with a nasty case of ice-cold breasts.
THE
ALL-SHEEN
EDITION
Fun for the whole family
"I am on a drug. It’s called
Charlie Sheen. It’s not
available because if you try
it once you will die. Your
face will melt off and your
children will weep over your
exploded body.”
FIRE-BREATHING FIST
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
Tired of having a normal shadow like sad, ordinary, poor people
do, Catherine Zeta-Jones recently hired a human shadow.
KIYOSHI OTA/GETTY IMAGES
A rare shot of the spectacular natural phenomenon known
as Johnny Depp Is So Fantastic That Attractive, Dramatic
Smoke Spontaneously Occurs Wherever He Goes.
But how does the tiger
blood and the Adonis
DNA fit in?
"I have a 10,000-year-old
brain and the boogers of a
7-year-old. That’s how I
describe myself.”
MEDIA TSUNAMI SURFER
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
JASON KEMPIN/GETTY IMAGES
Oliver Stone prefers his nail-biting with a dash of sadness while Olivia Munn uses in a bit of tweeny overexitement.
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
If there’s one thing guaranteed to make Julia Roberts smile, it’s
a dolphin jumping over a disco ball. She once tried a camel
crawling under a block of cheese, but she kinda hated it.
CHRIS CARLSON/AP PHOTO
That bitch
"I don’t live in the middle
anymore. That’s where you
get slaughtered. That’s
where you get
embarrassed. From the
prom queen.”
BATTLE-TESTED BAYONET
CHRIS PIZZELLO/AP PHOTO
Nicole Kidman and Anne Hathaway are available to make sympathetic cooing sounds at
memorial services, bad break-ups, pet funerals and random bouts of existential pain.
Rhyming witchcraft
from above
"I’m sorry man, I got magic
and I’ve got poetry in my
fingertips, you know, most of
the time, and this includes
naps. I’m an F-18, bro.”
ROCKSTAR FROM MARS
POP GOES
THE WEEK
Hugo Chavez says he, for one,
will not condemn Gadhafi “But,”
he adds, “Contrary to reports,
Charlie Sheen is not welcome in
Venezuela. There are limits.”
l After one Nazi outburst too
many, John Galliano is fired from
Dior Possible job opportunities: 1)
Design the costumes for Mel
Gibson’s next movie. 2) Chief
Hitler hat curator for Jesse James.
3) Rent himself out as Boris
Baderov for children’s birthday
parties. 4) Design gowns for
Charlie Sheen’s goddesses. 5)
Design Wikileggins for Julian
Assange. 6) Twirl moustache in
obscurity.
l Nelly Furtado is donating the $1
million she made performing for
the Ghadafi family three years
ago Says John Galliano, “It sounds
like that family has a lot of money.
I wonder if they need new
designer uniforms.”
l Christina Aguilera was arrested
for public intoxication and,
according to police, held until she
was able “to think on her own”
Obviously no one took a good
look at her hairstyle choice before
letting her go.
l Anne Hathaway reportedly got
paid $750,000 to wear Tiffany
jewellery at the Oscars James
Franco, meanwhile, got $12 from
an unnamed pharmacy to test a
new sleeping aid.
l Breast milk ice cream sold in
London is confiscated due to
concern over hepatitis Other
concerns 1) Yuk. 2) Gag. 3) Urggh.
4) Why? 5) Blech.
l Robert Blake leaves a celebrity
autograph convention after
complaining the line at his table
is too short. He returns the next
day and starts signing photos in
the parking lot until security
escorts him away Says Charlie
Sheen: “See, no matter what
happens, I have great options for
the future. Winning!”
l This week in It’s Real Epic Love
And Not A PR Exercise
1) Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez
go public with their relationship.
2) Taylor Swift and Glee’s Chord
Overstreet are observed
canoodling. 3) Taylor Momsen
proudly wears a T-shirt with the
words “I bleep for Satan.”
l Katie Holmes sues Star
Magazine for $50 million over a
cover suggesting she does drugs
Never mind the countless stories
that have again and again implied
she’s imprisoned, being paid to
have babies, is forced to diet and
is married to a megalomaniac in
lifts.
l Rumour has it Viggo
Mortensen and Daniel Day-Lewis
are both being considered for the
role of Zod in the Superman
reboot Coincidence! In my brain
they’re both being considered for
the role of Hot, Mature Cabana
Boy.
l Shia LaBeouf is in the running
to play Jason Bourne in reboot
Coincidence! In my brain he’s in
the running to play Annoying Kid
Who Has To Stop Ruining Movies
I Really Liked.
l In an interview conducted
weeks ago, Robert Pattinson told
Vanity Fair all he watches on TV
are reruns of House of Payne,
Cops and Two and a Half Men He
now insists they must have
misheard him when he professed
his love for nature show Blue
Panda Calf Pen.
l
You should check out my daily blog
at thestar.blogs.com/stargazing.