uncensored

Product:STAR Date:04-04-2010Desk: ENT-0008-CMYK/03-04-10/16:51:33
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ENTERTAINMENT
STARGAZING
Portentous portals, parties and particles
We start a cult, fight the Easter Bunny, battle an opera singer, fear the Hadron Collider and attempt to make sense of Kate Gosselin
BY MALENE ARPE
DAVE HOGAN/GETTY IMAGES
TOBIAS SCHWARZ /REUTERS
CARLOS ALVAREZ/GETTY IMAGES
Perhaps Gerard Butler ought to consult with a gastro-intestinal specialist so poor Jennifer Aniston doesn’t have to
keep a soothing hand on his stomach at all times. She has enough burdens to deal with in her own life, God knows.
MIKE COPPOLA/GETTY IMAGES
KERSTIN JOENSSON/REUTERS
Ladies, do you like your men with a bit of experience, maturity and a sassy
come-on smile? Sure you do. Call 1-800-ANNOYINGMUSIC and ask for either
Neil “Smirk-Daddy” Diamond or Andy “Good Times” Lloyd Webber.
JORGE GUERRERO/AFP/GETTY IMAGES
A shocked and baffled Antonio Banderas is somewhat unsure of how to deal
with the situation after waking up to find a random soprano on his balcony.
TOBY CANHAM/GETTY IMAGES
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
MARIANA BAZO/REUTERS
TOBY CANHAM/GETTY IMAGES
If I were to start a cult — something I’ve been seriously
considering — I would hire Joel and Benji Madden as
goodwill ambassadors. Look at them. Who could say no?
Why did Susan Sarandon get a medal? 1) For wearing
that sweater in public. 2) For smiling while wearing that
sweater. 3) For winning The Worst Sweater Ever contest.
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
This is a perfect object lesson in how things can always get so much worse:
You’d think that the first picture is the absolutely worst toothless-looking
photo of Jude Law ever. But that’s only until you have a look at the next one.
Gwyneth Paltrow is always right on the cutting edge of fashion, as with this
wonderful jacket, evoking images of Krystle Carrington battling for
post-apocalyptic supremacy while escaping from space prison on a hot rod.
KEVIN WINTER/GETTY IMAGES
SKIP BOLEN/GETTY IMAGES
And then Kevin James and John Goodman blew the clouds away, parted the
winds of fortune and heralded a new age of widespread acute apoplexia.
MIKE SEGAR/REUTERS
Stymied in the search for the perfect Medusa, casting
agents were exhilarated when they saw Ashley Judd’s
hair do this incredibly creepy thing while she was turning
random passers-by into stone for sport. Lucky break.
CHRIST PIZZELLO/AP PHOTO
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
Dear Philip Seymour Hoffman: Is your bicycle built for two? And could I
perhaps jump on for a ride with your irresistible, knee-quiver-inducing self?
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
This is why David Spade and Jack Black should never attempt to revive their hip-hop dance troupe.
KATY WINN/AP PHOTO
MARIO ANZUONI
Joe Jonas (or some other random Jonas Brother) wails in frustration upon realizing that he will never, ever, never be as
effortlessly cool and hot as John Stamos and Robert Downey Jr. Sadly, crying like a girl is not going to help his cause.
MICHAEL BUCKNER/GETTY IMAGES
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
GUS RUELAS/REUTERS
ALBERTO E. RODRIGUEZ/GETTY IMAGES
KEVIN WINTER/GETTY IMAGE
Today’s lesson concerns itself with gesturing. Greg Kinnear demonstrates the “I’m a bit drunk, but what the hell, I’ll have another" gesture. Pierce Brosnan
does the hot, suave, hot man-of the world gesture. And, last but not least, Taylor Lautner shows us how a baby werewolf holds its paw after a manicure.
UNCENSORED
A machete might
be safer
“I WANT. DRIVING
LESSONS.. an machete
BUT. IWANT.
DRIVING. LESSONS.
MORE.”
AMY WINEHOUSE TWEETS
Speaking ill of the dead
“I was only in one of the
John Hughes films, and I
never saw the other ones.
I didn’t understand them. I
kept hearing a really hip
40-year-old person
talking in teenagers’
mouths.”
JOHN CUSACK
No, we have no idea what George Clooney is
playing in his next movie, but, judging from this
photo, there’s a good chance it’s Jay Leno.
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
Karl Lagerfeld and Kim Cattrall have both hired people to walk behind them, continually
mimicking their mood. Lagerfeld’s mood: Withering distaste for all that moves, walks,
breathes, sings, skips, feels and, in general, lives. Cattrall’s mood: Scrunchy-face.
Speaking ill of the living
Speaking ill of no one
“[Billy Corgan] wanted to
be Kurt Cobain, then he
wanted to be Marilyn
Manson, and
now he wants to be Perez
Hilton. What’s wrong with
just being Billy?”
“My days of slagging
people off are over. I’m
very conscious now that if
I’m going to say
something, it’s going to
be something useful.”
COURTNEY LOVE
BOY GEORGE
Let this be a lesson to anyone planning to hang out with
extra-creepy Easter bunnies: Just seconds after this photo
was taken, Tori Spelling, Dean McDermott and their kids
mysteriously disappeared with no eggs-planation. [What
did I ever do to you? Why do you hate me so much? — ed.]
Carefully file under
“Icky”
“I love office supplies. I
love being organized. It’s
the folders and the tech
… [Staples] is a place to
take me if you want me
to get hot and bothered.”
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT
POP GOES
THE WEEK
1 Diva much? 1) Kate Gosselin re-
fuses to listen to her Dancing With
The Stars instructor. 2) Will Smith is
reportedly hanging around his wife’s
HawthoRNe set, meddling and
“causing everything to spiral out of
control.” 3) Heidi Montag brings
four bodyguards to a photo shoot.
4) Luke Wilson is allegedly behaving
abominably towards co-stars on the
set of his AT&T commercials.
1 Madonna says of her daughter,
Lourdes, “ I wish she’d dress more
conservatively. How’s that for irony?” That’s pretty darned good for
irony, actually. Although, in this
week’s irony sweepstakes, this item
wins: Jesse James’ special ladyfriend, Bombshell McGee, once applied to be on the TV show Cheaters
when she suspected her then-husband was stepping out.
1 The mother of David Caruso’s two
kids claims he owes her $670,000
He claims he already paid her. In
sunglasses and meaningful looks.
1 This week in zillas 1) Katy Perry
says fiancé Russell Brand is “a total
bridezilla.” 2) A 3-D reboot of Godzilla is in the works. 3) Upon hearing
Angelina Jolie may play the witch in
Tim Burton’s Sleeping Beauty, Jennifer Aniston renames her favourite
voodoo doll, PerfectCastingzilla.
Then she cries herself to sleep.
1 The Hadron Collider successfully
collided elementary particles at the
highest level of energy ever. The
scientists in charge apologize for
the following unforeseen effects 1)
24 gets cancelled, but then picked
up by NBC in the alternate reality
country of Sutherland. 2) Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson are
reportedly engaged. In the actual
Twilight Zone. 3) The owner of the
British pizzeria offering zebra meat
topping gets eaten by an army of
rapid space zebras. 4) Guerrilla
troops from the future swoop in to
stop Shannen Doherty from getting
voted off Dancing With The Stars but
are pushed into the fifth dimension
by Pamela Anderson. 5) All the
sparkle from Stephenie Meyer’s upcoming Twilight spin-off novella gets
sucked into a black hole. 6) Scientists are debating whether a momentary hiccup in the time-space
continuum was indeed brought on
by the Collider or, as most believe,
was a direct result of either the development of a movie based on the
E-Trade commercial babies or the
explosion of fanboy heads upon
hearing Anna Paquin is bisexual.
1 Teri Hatcher describes her new
web portal, GetHatched.com, as an
“empowering” space that will,
“provide, with humour and vulnerability, solutions to the needs and
obligations of today’s modern
women.” That makes sense. If “empowering” meant, “I just threw up
through my nose a whole bunch.”
1 Jude Law is worried ex-wife Sadie
Frost’s upcoming book has revelations that could be damaging to his
career So the one-night-stand bastard child and the nanny on the pool
table was just non-career-damaging
bagatelles? You rock, Jude Law.
1 Demi Moore gets all kinds of upset after Kim Kardashian uses the
word “pimpin” in a tweet She says,
“As I learned on the sets of Striptease and Indecent Proposal, we famous people should always bear in
mind how we influence others.
1 Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt
say they’ve changed their names to
the,“true native-American names,”
White Wolf and Running Bear They
never did feel comfortable with Insane Plastic Woman and Ugly ManChild Dumb-Head.
Want to try out a random name generator? Send $20 to my daily blog at
thestar.blogs.com/stargazing.