UNCENSORED

E8
H
TORONTO STAR
H
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2011
ON ON0
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2011
ON ON0
H
TORONTO STAR
H
E9
ENTERTAINMENT
STARGAZING
Great offers, sweet deals and big rebates
POP GOES
THE WEEK
Sign up now and get pumpkins, flowers, water heaters, pool lessons, free Wi-Fi, heartburn, math tutoring, cake recipes, religious advice and lottery tips
BY MALENE ARPE
STEPHEN LOVEKIN/GETTY IMAGES
TIMOTHY HIATT/GETTY IMAGES
Gabriel Byrne and Antonio Banderas are both calm and happy
individuals, except for that groundless, irrational fear of each other.
GARETH CATTERMOLE/GETTY IMAGES
GARETH CATTERMOLRE/GETTY IMAGES
George Clooney probably shouldn’t have had the vodka latte and the three
hotdogs with chili, sauerkraut and bacon-chocolate sauce for breakfast.
JASON KEMPIN./GETTY IMAGES
IVAN BURNYASHEV/REUTERS
Rhys Ifans likes to carry a Russian hat
and pinch his own nipple. And that is
his right in a modern democracy.
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
If you thought Demi Moore was stressed
out by the current speculation about her
marriage, this photo should go a long
way towards convincing you she’s not.
BEN PRUCHNIE/GETTY IMAGES
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
Congratulations, Sharon Stone, on your new Ed Hardy-wearing,
ponytail-having, probably-not-Fabio-being, mystery boyfriend guy.
CHRIS PIZZLELLO/AP PHOTO
CARETH CATTERMOLRE/GETTY IMAGES
Evan Rachel Wood is A) Every evil fairytale queen rolled into one. B) Making Joan Collins and Madonna insane with
jealousy. C) Preparing to rule a mid-sized country simply by looking at people. D) Battling a weird neck rash.
JASON MERRITT/GETTY IMAGES
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
Perhaps it’s the season. Perhaps it’s the general societal malaise. Perhaps it’s a glimpse of the end times. Whatever the reason, this particular batch of
Celebrity Tongue, starring Christopher Walken, Wyclef Jean, Mel Gibson, Pee-Wee Herman and Kelly Osbourne, seems a bit tired. Unenthusiastic, even.
JASON MERRITT/GETTY IMAGES
SAMIR HUSSEIN/GETTY IMAGES
Philip Seymour Hoffman tries to
appear surprised as he gets a text
telling him he’s won Sexiest Man in
the Galaxy for the 14th time.
ASTRID STAWIARZ/GETTY IMAGES
That’s a very nice offer, Constantine
Maroulis, but we’re going to have to
pass. Maybe some other time, ’kay?
It hurts me more than it hurs you,
but Rachel Zoe will stay right here
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
GETTY IMAGES
and stare at you until you’ve
Nice attitude, Bono. Way to ruin Halloween. Christina Aguilera put a lot of
finished eating your broccoli and
thought into her costume. It’s not easy getting the blond-Snooki look right.
are done cleaning your room.
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
Willem Dafoe tries to sign a reluctant Anton Yelchin up for
a phone plan, a new water heater and live organ donation.
JOHN SHEARER/GETTY IMAGES
TODD WILLIAMSON/GETTY IMAGES
TODD WILLIAMSON/GETTY IMAGES
"You look lovely, Jennifer. Except for how your boobs are half-naked. You should wear a lace
bib. Like me. I got it from an infomercial. Also, you should smile more. See. Like this. Do it."
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
This week we have Josh Duhamel and Ben Affleck in an exciting new category:
Men Looking Utterly Despondent while Handling Flowers and Shrubbery.
Robert Downey Jr. asks
Hollywood to forgive Mel
Gibson “Because,” Downey
explains, “He a very nice man
who doesn’t yell all the time. For
example, he doesn’t yell while
he’s eating. Also, he makes me
really nervous and this note is
constructed with letters cut out
of magazines and newspapers.
Please send help. Thank you.”
l This week in name calling
Kelly Osbourne says Christina
Aguilera is fat and that Christina
used to call Kelly fat all the time
but that, "I was never that fat"
Kelly then added, "Nyah, nyah,
nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah,
nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah,
nyah . . . [Yes, thanks. I get it.
Very funny. If I recalled how to
laugh, I would be laughing. Instead
I weep. But just out of habit. - ed.]
l Chris Martin says that finding
Gwyneth was like "winning the
lottery" "The lottery," he adds,
"that keeps telling you that your
favourite, non-organic sweater
has to go and that you’re not
allowed to spend your winnings
until you learn how to make
your own soap from rice."
l This week in more name
calling Susan Sarandon calls the
pope a “Nazi.” The Catholic
League calls Susan Sarandon
"obscene" Then Susan Sarandon
calls the Catholic League "stupid
booger-eaters." Then the
Catholic League says, "I know
what you are, but what am I?"
Then Susan Sarandon says, "At
least I’m not as fat as Christina
Aguilera. So there."
l Someone sues the producers
of The Hangover II, claiming
that they stole his real-life
wedding story Things you
shouldn’t do if you think the
producers of The Hangover II
stole your real-life wedding
story: 1) Mention it. Ever. 2)
Admit you saw The Hangover II.
l Unidentified persons hack the
Sesame Street YouTube
channel and uploads porn I
never knew Elmo was so limber.
l This week in even more name
calling A while back Noel
Gallagher said that Oasis was a
"sham" and then brother Liam
tweeted that he never faked
anything and now Noel tells
Details that Liam “thrives on
chaos.” Then Liam said "daft"
and Noel said "wellies" and
Liam said "lorry jolly" and Noel
said "blag" and Liam said, "at
least neither of us have a
problem with the Pope. Except
for him being so grossly fat."
l Twilight trio Kristen Stewart,
Robert Pattinson and Taylor
Lautner will have their hand
and footprints immortalized in
cement outside Grauman’s
Chinese Theatre Which
explains the sudden upswing
among tween girls in purchases
of industrial tools for removing
large blocks of cement.
l Celebrity math Two-part
question: If Shannen Doherty
wore three different dresses
when getting married for the
third time and Nikki Reed wore
one dress with 100 diamond
buttons when getting married
for the first time, how many
years were Sonic Youth’s Kim
Gordon and Thurston Moore
married before splitting up? And
what hope does it leave the rest
of us? Answers: Twenty-seven
and absolutely none.
l
David Hasselhoff would like to tell you
about this pain he has in his arm. Well,
not so much a pain as a pinch. Or, rather,
a twingy-type consistent throbbing. No,
more like dull ache. Wait. Don’t go.
CHRIS PIZZELLO/AP PHOTO
KEVIN WINTER/GETTY IMAGES
For a moderate fee, Colin Farrell and Zoe Saldana will stand outside your
worst enemy’s house and yell out bundt cake recipies all night long.
[email protected]
UNCENSORED
The lower classes:
equally unattractive
and inconsiderate
Miss September 1937
“It’s no one’s fault to be
born ugly, but, honestly,
must it be worn as a
symbol of pride?”
"My activities tend to
revolve around crossword
puzzles, reading and playing
piano and games with my
friends . . . Oh my God, I
sound like Miss September."
JOAN COLLINS
RASHIDA JONES
Did he have any
thoughts on
making stuff up?
“Just spoke w/ God.
Told me he’s on Team
Bring It and loves
when people smile.”
@THEROCK
And we thought
wrinkles were brought
on by the fundamental
and overwhelming
futility of daily
existence
"If you’re not careful, one
day you’ll wake up and a
spider will have taken over
your face and you’ll be full
of lines."
To obtain restraining
orders against you?
"I’m sick of dating people
who are poorer than me. It
would be really nice if
someone I dated had really
great lawyers . . .”
COURTNEY LOVE
SALMA HAYEK
WHAT YOU MISSED THIS WEEK ON THESTAR.BLOGS.COM/STARGAZING: SPOCK’S PRIVATE LIFE ... J.LO & BRADLEY ... SHIA LABEOUF’S VANCOUVER BRAWL ... TATTOOED BARBIE ... THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF LINDSAY LOHAN