Mom I Got This - Elaine Pasqua

Transcription

#MOM I GOT THIS : Building Your Legacy In College And Beyond
Contents
FORWARD................................................................................................................................................................ 4
INTRODUCTION ...................................................................................................................................................... 6
DEDICATION............................................................................................................................................................ 7
1. WELCOME BACK TO SCHOOL! ........................................................................................................................... 8
I. ABOUT YOUR HEALTH ...................................................................................................................... 11
2. ALCOHOL AND HIGH-RISK DRINKING ........................................................................................................... 12
3. SEXUAL ASSAULT AND THE CAMPUS SAVE ACT .......................................................................................... 17
4. DATE RAPE DRUGS: WHAT’S IN YOUR DRINK?.............................................................................................. 23
5. THE PLEASURE OF SAFE SEX............................................................................................................................ 25
6. HIV/AIDS – IT’S NOT GOING AWAY ................................................................................................................. 30
7. YOU ARE GETTING SLEEPY! ............................................................................................................................. 33
8. HIGH ANXIETY................................................................................................................................................... 35
9. FINDING HAPPINESS ........................................................................................................................................ 38
10. KEEP MOVING ................................................................................................................................................. 40
11. ENERGY DRINKS: THE MONSTER UNDER YOUR BED ................................................................................... 42
12. THE SKINNY ON SODA ................................................................................................................................... 45
13. TIPPING THE SCALES: WEIGHING IN ON OBESITY ....................................................................................... 47
14. IS POT SAFE BECAUSE IT’S LEGAL?.............................................................................................................. 49
15. PRESCRIPTION FOR TROUBLE ...................................................................................................................... 52
16. MOLLY – NOTHING TO RAVE ABOUT ........................................................................................................... 54
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17. BATH SALTS: YOUR LIFE DOWN THE DRAIN ............................................................................................... 56
18. SPRING BREAK .............................................................................................................................................. 59
19. DRESS RIGHT THE FIRST NIGHT - PACK LIGHT!”......................................................................................... 62
20. RETHINKING THE NEEDS OF TODAY’S COLLEGE STUDENTS .................................................................... 64
21. HOMECOMING 101: MAINTAINING HEALTHY FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS................................................... 66
II. PRESCRIPTION FOR SUCCESS IN COLLEGE AND LIFE BEYOND.......................... 68
22. ALL TWEET NO MEET ..................................................................................................................................... 69
23. TIMING IS EVERYTHING ............................................................................................................................... 72
24. TIPS FOR SUCCESS ........................................................................................................................................ 74
25. MORE TIPS FOR SUCCESS ............................................................................................................................. 76
26. TIPS FOR A SUCCESSFUL JOB INTERVIEW .................................................................................................. 79
27. BODY LANGUAGE SAYS IT ALL .................................................................................................................... 82
28. INTERNET SAFETY ......................................................................................................................................... 85
29. ARE YOU READY TO VOTE? .......................................................................................................................... 87
III. WISDOM ................................................................................................................................................... 89
30. DO THE RIGHT THING ................................................................................................................................... 90
31. PERSPECTIVE AND GRATITUDE: LESSONS LEARNED FROM SANDY ........................................................ 92
32. COMMITMENT TO CARE ................................................................................................................................. 95
33. JAKE – ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING ................................................................................................................ 98
NOTES .................................................................................................................................................................. 101
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Forward
When I see something I really like, I let that person know, whether I’ve met them or
not. Several years ago a magazine called Campus Activities Magazine showed up
in my mailbox. This magazine is known at the world’s number one publication for
campus entertainment. There are other publishers of magazines for this market but
Campus Activities Magazine caught my eye. It was bright, colorful, beautifully laid
out and contained excellent content regarding campus entertainment. To me, it
clearly stood out above the rest as being most appealing for college students.
After looking at that first issue I picked up the phone and called the editor, WC
Kirby. Kirby, as he is known, is a very friendly, hard-working man who has the
biggest heart and most incredible values. We talked for a long time and ended the
conversation by saying that it would be nice to meet in person sometime. The next
time I was scheduled to speak in South Carolina, I called Kirby. He and his son Ian
drove one hour to meet me for lunch.
We sat down and enjoyed getting to know one another. I was impressed with both
Kirby and Ian. At one point during lunch they offered me a proposal, would I be
interested in writing a column called “Real Life on Campus” for their magazine?
They had not run that feature in a few years because the woman who previously
wrote it passed from cancer. I did not hesitate and said, yes.
I wrote my first article for the August 2010 issue and have been writing ever since.
This is an example of how a casual contact can grow into a meaningful relationship
and open doors for future opportunities. Never be afraid to reach out!
This book is based on the collection of the columns that have been written over
the course of five years. For this purpose they have been edited and lengthened
some. When writing for a magazine I am bound by the format and have to keep
the articles shorter.
I want to thank Kirby for his trust in me and for fostering such a wonderful working
relationship over the years. I also want to thank my fantastic husband Jeff Cohen
for his help and support as he read each article after I wrote them and made
corrections or suggestions. Lastly, I would like to thank you, all of the college
administrators and students who have taught me so much. Many of my articles are
based on the conversations that I’ve been honored to have with you over the past
18 years. I often say, I learn more from you than you do from me!
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Proceeds to Save Jake Foundation
Because of my respect for Kirby and his huge heart, ten percent of all proceeds
from this book will be donated to The Save Jake Foundation. The Save Jake
Foundation was created by Kirby to help save animals that have been abused,
malnourished, abandoned or who are in desperate situations. The organization is
designed to assist in placing animals that would normally have been subject to
euthanasia when there are hundreds, if not thousands, of homes for them
throughout the country. The donations will be re-directed to a no kill shelter.
Through a network of dedicated no-kill shelters in every state, money means new
life and love to animals who would normally be put down simply because of overcrowding.
Feel The Love…Save A Life!
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Introduction
For the past 18 years I have been speaking at colleges and universities across the
country about choices, high-risk drinking, sexual health, sexual assault, drugs, and
social media.
I have worked with pro football teams, the NBA, campuses with student
populations as large as 40,000 and campuses with just 700 students. My goal for
each audience is to foster an understanding that one night, one inconsequential
decision can change the rest of our lives. Being the Jersey girl that I am, I am not
telling people not to party, but I want them to party responsibly, with respect for
one another and to look out for each other. Each day is a stepping stone towards
the rest of our lives.
This book is a compilation of many years of research, life experience, and wisdom.
You will see that I have written on a variety of topics. Feel free to read this from
cover to cover, and come back to it as a reference from time to time; you might find
that you will receive it from a completely different perspective. As your college
career progresses your needs will change. My hope for you is to live a life that
fulfills your dreams and that you can look back on it one day with sheer pride. Your
legacy is yours to build and it starts today.
Please get in touch and follow me!
Email: [email protected]
#momIgotthis
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Dedication
I would like to dedicate this book to my family. To my husband Jeff, you have been
so supportive and loving for so many years. How many husbands would be
comfortable with their wife jetting around the country without them? To my oldest
son Evan, you have taught us so much through your growth and exploration,
making me the better parent who has learned not to sweat the small stuff. For
David, you have always believed in what I do. When you were 9, I said to you, “If
you think I am away too much, you let me know and I will cut back.” You looked at
me with those big sincere eyes and said, “No mom, you’re saving lives!” You got it
then and you still get it now. I am immensely proud of the young men that you two
have become. I love you all!
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1. Welcome Back to School!
W
elcome to college! This new and exciting transition in you life arrives
faster than you think! Are you ready for the challenges that lie ahead?
Approximately one third of the students entering college will either drop
out or do not return to the same institution their second year.1 Often referred to as
“The Red Zone,” the first six weeks of your freshman year are the most crucial to
determining the overall success of a college student. College is a stepping stone
for your future success and you want to maximize this opportunity. It’s crucial to
prioritize your academics as first and foremost!
The freshman’s greatest challenge is time management. You will find that you will
not have the same structure as you once had in high school. It is easy to become
distracted with socializing, the internet, video games, or social networking.
Structure your day so you accomplish your academic work first and play later.
Balance is important! Make a plan for the day. You want to work hard, but it’s
important to take time each day to do something that is fun. It helps to relieve
stress.
Find a quiet place that is conducive to studying. It may not always be your dorm
room. Organization is the key. Utilize a calendar to keep yourself on track for your
deadlines and refer to your syllabus. Don’t leave papers and other long-term
projects for the last minute. It adds stress and you will not perform as well.
Nurture yourself! Many freshmen go crazy with their new-found freedom, turning
the first semester into a free-for-all of partying. Get plenty of sleep so you can
recharge mentally and physically. Sleep deprivation decreases memory retention,
which can lead to lower grades. Eat a well-balanced diet and watch out for that
freshman 15! Most college dining halls have an all-you-can-eat style food service.
Watch your portions and don’t eat until you feel full. This way you can avoid putting
on those extra pounds.
Exercise for your physical and mental well-being. You'll feel better and have more
energy. When you exercise, the brain secretes more endorphins which elevates
your mood and helps to create a more positive outlook on life. Take advantage of
the exercise equipment that's available to you in the recreation center or walk on
a regular basis.
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Party in moderation! I have met students who are now on the 5 or 6 year plan
because they flunked classes in their freshman year. Partying was their priority. A
college education is expensive today; you don't want to add thousands of dollars
on to your debt.
I met a girl who was working at an auto rental counter. She shared that she had a
full scholarship to a prestigious state university and partied hard her first semester.
By the end of that semester her GPA was a whopping .8! She lost her scholarship.
Her parents were so angry they made her move home, pay for her own education,
and attend the local campus, which she hates. At that point in time she should have
been a junior. She was still a freshman because she was working full time to pay
for her education. I asked her what she would say if she were to give advice to
incoming freshmen, she replied, “Remember why you are here.”
Alcohol abuse is the high-risk behavior that interferes most with a successful
college education today.2 Learn to have a good time without that social lubricant.
We see many negative outcomes from lower GPA’s, increased drop outs,
unprotected sex, sexual assaults, accidental injuries and deaths, aggressive
behavior, and property damage.
It is natural to feel homesick. Some feel it right away, for others, it does not occur
until several weeks into the semester. Remember, many students are in the same
situation, they too are away from home for the first time from family and friends.
This is your chance to create a new family and long-lasting relationships. Join
clubs and organizations that interest you. You will find like-minded people and
develop a sense of connection with the campus community.
You may experience challenges with your roommate. Be considerate of each
other’s needs and learn to openly communicate your feelings to keep the
relationship healthy. Remember, if things do not work out, most likely you will be
able to change roommates.
People who are employed on campus are there to help you, take advantage of
their resources. I have found that those who work in higher education are most
caring and dedicated, from professors, to Deans, counselors, staff in student life,
athletics, wellness, etc. They truly have your best interest and well-being at heart.
Don’t be afraid to develop a mentoring relationship.
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This is an exciting time of your life. You will have positive experiences, and some
challenges along the way. Don’t let them get the best of you. Some of our greatest
life-lessons and strengths come from adversity - it builds character. I have seen
students who wanted to give it up within days because they were not comfortable.
It takes time to adjust to your new life. If you jump into this with a positive attitude
you will adapt more easily. Learn to figure things out by yourself and resist the
temptation to call home for help.
College is a privilege, not a right. Don’t take this incredible opportunity for granted,
keep your goals first and foremost and have fun!
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I. About Your Health
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2. Alcohol and High-Risk Drinking
Looking back most say that their college years were some of the best in their lives.
Many college students love to have a good time and party, but some drink
excessively, putting their lives and future in jeopardy. Alcohol is the high-risk
behavior that interferes most with a successful college education today and it is
the substance that has caused the most harm and suffering to humans. We need
to respect it more.
I speak to administrators at different campuses who are extremely concerned
about high-risk drinking. One campus experienced the death of a female
sophomore the first week of the fall semester from alcohol poisoning, and also had
12 hospital transports within their first three weeks. Another had 6 transports within
the first two weeks, with all of them being sophomores. The third experienced 9
transports in just two weeks.
When abused, alcohol can be detrimental but we can learn to drink responsibly
and keep each other safe. Looking at alcohol use on college campuses today, the
proportion of students who drink and binge are the same as in the past, but we are
seeing an increase in frequency of high-risk drinking and consumption of larger
quantities at one time.3 Previously known as binge drinking, it is now referred to as
high-risk drinking.
What quantities are considered high-risk? If a male consumes 5 drinks and a
female consumes 4 within a two hour period of time, the blood alcohol level will
climb to .08 which is when a person is considered to be legally drunk.4
What quantities of alcohol constitute one drink?
◉ Twelve ounces of beer,
◉ Five ounces of wine
◉ One and one half ounce of hard liquor5
People are drinking from much larger containers and are inadvertently consuming
more alcohol than they realize. Wine glasses are much wider than they use to be
and hold a lot more. The red Solo cup is the favorite container at parties. If you fill
it up with beer you now have 16 ounces, so you are consuming a drink and a third.
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Women are trying to keep up with the guys, but they can’t consume alcohol the
same way that men can. Alcohol gets absorbed into a woman’s blood stream
faster. Women have a higher ratio of body fat than men. Alcohol collects in the
fatty tissue and does not break down as quickly. Lastly women have a lower
amount of the enzyme that metabolizes or breaks down the alcohol.
The blood alcohol continues to climb for an hour and a half after a person has
consumed their last drink. A person might think that they are okay and that they
can have another, but the effects of that drink might not have fully kicked in yet.
You can’t sober a person up by placing them in a cold shower or pouring coffee
down their throats. Time is the only thing that will accomplish this as the liver
breaks down the alcohol to be released from the body.
Here is the most important issue: the body can only clear or break down one drink
per hour. When you consume more than that, the brain is now forced to absorb the
excess alcohol and you systematically shut down one area of the brain after
another. The area of the brain known as the prefrontal cortex shuts down first. It
controls our higher rational thinking, our emotions and impulse control. It reduces
our ability to reason abstractly and we lose our ability to judge social cues. That’s
why so many students do things that they would not normally do or wake up the
next day with regrets!
The area that regulates the amount of fluid in the body shuts down next. You
urinate out more fluid than you take in and the body and brain become
dehydrated. This is why people wake up with the splitting headache and the cotton
mouth. Next, the cerebellum goes. That controls your coordination and speech, so
we see the staggering, slurred speech, injuries, and deaths. Lastly the medulla or
brain stem shuts down. The medulla controls our involuntary reflexes like our heart
rate and breathing. This person is now experiencing alcohol poisoning and is very
close to death.
What are the symptoms of alcohol poisoning?
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Mental confusion, stupor, or loss of coconsciousness
Cold, clammy to touch
Skin is a bluish or pale color
You can’t shout them awake, and you can’t shake them awake
Vomiting
Seizures
Slow breathing (fewer than 8 breaths per minute)
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◉ Irregular breathing (10 seconds or more between breaths)
The clamminess occurs because the body is losing the ability to control its own
temperature. Then the breathing and heart rate actually shuts down. This person
needs medical attention immediately.
Often the person experiencing alcohol poisoning is carried off to a couch or bed to
sleep it off. Friends come back the next day and find them dead. In most scenarios
the students who are present are underage and they fear that they will be cited
for underage drinking if they call for help. Parents whom have lost their children to
alcohol poisoning advocated for campuses and some states to enact Medical
Amnesty or Good Samaritan laws. If an underage drinker calls for help for another
student, they will not be cited for underage drinking. We don’t want to discourage
someone from getting the medical attention that their friend so badly needs.
High-risk drinking is tied to so many negative outcomes on college campuses
today. Let’s look at some of the annual stats: Typically these are for students
between the ages of 18 and 24.
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41% of all academic difficulties due to high-risk drinking
28% of all college drop outs result from high-risk drinking
1,825 students die annually from alcohol related accidents
300 die from alcohol poisoning
599,000 experience injuries
696,000 students are physically assaulted by another who is under the
influence
400,000 engage in unprotected sex
100,000 don’t remember if they consented
4,860,000 drive under the influence
19% met the criteria for an alcohol use disorder
11% damaged property6
We should look at why students drink excessively. The need to loosen up in a
social setting is the number one reason for using alcohol.7 Learn to feel
comfortable with yourself. Having self-confidence and feeling good about who you
are will enable you to have a good time without needing alcohol as a social
lubricant.
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Studies show that those who are under the age of 21 who use alcohol to loosen up
in a social setting, may tend to carry that pattern with them through their adult life.8
Many addictive patterns with alcohol start in college.
Underage drinking can be harmful to the brain. The brain does not fully develop
until you are 25 years of age. For those who are under the age of 25, one high-risk
drinking episode can damage the white matter of the brain and shrink the area that
regulates memory retention. When run through cognitive testing, MRI’s shows
decreased activity in the brains of students who regularly abuse alcohol versus
the ones who drink infrequently. Those who have a history of high risk drinking
retrieve 10 % less information compared to those who did not.9
So how can one drink safely and responsibly? The rule of thumb is no more than
one drink per hour. You can catch a light buzz but not get wasted by over loading
the body and brain with too much alcohol. It is also important to drink a nonalcoholic beverage in between each alcoholic one. You will give the liver a chance
to break down the alcohol and rehydrate the body so you feel better the next day.
Make sure you eat food before you start drinking.
If you are at a party and you feel the pressure to drink, there are some things that
you can do.
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Pour the drink out in the sink and fill the cup or bottle with water
Nurse a drink. If you cup is not full, someone will not be inclined to fill it
Set a limit with number of drinks and measure carefully
Develop the self-confidence to say, “No thank you.”
Say that you have to study for a test
Avoid parties where you know alcohol will be served
Come up with creative ways to host alcohol-free events
Host a mocktail party. These are exotic alcohol-free drinks. You can even
have a contest for the best receipie.
Keep an eye out for one another - don’t be afraid to tell a friend that they need to
slow down. Take away their keys if they are going to drive. It’s important to protect
someone who is in harm’s way, many injuries and deaths occur when a student
wanders off alone. The bystander intervention is so important. Keep in mind, if
everyone is getting wasted, who will have the ability to know when things are
turning for the worse?
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Remember to respect alcohol and develop a healthy relationship with it. You can
have fun, but most importantly be safe and stay on track to meet your goals in
college and in your life beyond.
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3. Sexual Assault and the Campus SaVE Act
As you arrived on campus you became aware of Title IX and the Campus Sexual
Violence Elimination Act (SaVE). This act, signed by President Obama in March,
2013, is a sweeping reform of federal guidelines for colleges and universities to
prevent and respond to sexual violence. As of March 2014 the Department of
Education has enforced the Campus SaVE Act. This act amends the Clery Act
which addresses sexual assault policies on campuses.
Title IX was first enacted in 1972 to provide equal opportunity to women in sports.
Over the years it was amended to include sexual harassment and sexual violence
as a form of discrimination. Education is considered to be the great equalizer in the
United States. Everyone deserves the right to an education that is free from sexual
violence.
Campuses are required to report annually on a broader range of sexual violence
to now include domestic violence, dating violence, and stalking. The Campus SaVE
Act improves the process in which victims can file complaints, educates them on
their rights, and helps them find support. It set standards for disciplinary
procedures and requires campuses to provide education for students and
employees. Each campus must designate a Title IX officer who can offer the
survivor assistance.
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For more information go to:
www.knowyourix.org/understanding-the-campus-act/
www.clerycenter.org/campus-sexual-violence-elimination-save-act
Sexual violence is defined as any unwanted sexual contact through physical force,
intimidation, or the inability to give consent due to intoxication or mental disability.
It is the most under-reported crime on college campuses today. One in five college
women are victims of sexual violence. While the majority of victims are women,
men are victims as well. Sexual violence can be perpetrated from male to female,
female to male, male to male, and female to female.
Nationally, ninety seven thousand college students are sexually assaulted on
campuses each year.10 In 90 percent of the cases the victim knows the perpetrator
which is considered a date rape.11 Victims of date rape experience additional
trauma as they have to repeatedly face the perpetrator on campus. In almost 90
percent of the cases one or both of the people are under the influence of alcohol.12
The freshman girl is most often the victim of a sexual violence and it typically
occurs within the first six weeks of her first semester. As she enjoys her new identity
she might place herself in more vulnerable situations and can become a target of
the upper classmen.
I want to clarify what actions are considered to be sexual violence under this law:
Using Force: “No” means no. If a person says no to any unwanted touching or
sexual advance, that request must be honored. It should never turn into a begging
fest…”Aw, common baby, I know you want it!” It stops right then and there. One
cannot force an individual into unwanted sex or touching.
Consent is a willing verbal agreement to engage in sexual relations. It should be
given prior to intimate contact, when both people are sober, and it can be
withdrawn at any time during a sexual act. A person can perform oral sex on an
individual and put on the brakes. If they want to stop, their partner has to
immediately honor their wishes. You also have the right to say no to someone
whom you’ve had sexual relations with before. Some states have now adopted the
standard, yes means yes. It is crucial to gain clear consent at every step along the
way.
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No means no in the moment! Someone could agree to have sex hours before and
change their mind later. I know of two students who agreed to meet up in several
hours to have sex. The one changed their mind and said no. The other forced to
the sexual act, saying that consent was given. He was expelled for sexually
assaulting the other student.
Consent is not just verbal, it can be physical. It’s important to remain sober so you
can read your partner’s body language. If someone’s into it, they will be pushing
themselves up against you. Often times a victim will freeze. They don’t want sex
but they do not have the self-confidence or courage to say no. Just because a
person does not say no, does not mean yes.
Coercion: when a person tries to verbally intimidate someone in engaging in
sexual relations. For example, “If you love me, you’ll have sex with me.”
Incapacitation: if the victim is drunk; even if he or she consented to sexual relations
while under the influence, a crime was committed. Alcohol depresses the central
nervous system, causing the victim to lose his or her instincts. This makes it difficult
to assess a situation that is dangerous or they can’t give consent with a clear mind.
Some are raped while passed out.
Alcohol can make things very complicated and it is not always black and white.
There are a lot of gray areas regarding sexual assault. Sometimes a person is
drunk and they are making the first moves. I have sat with a number of confused
people after the fact. They thought they had consent. The best advice – if
someone is drunk, stay away. Do not have sex with them. This could turn into a
very complicated situation that can change the life of both parties. Remember, you
have the rest of your life to have sex. One night is not going to make or break it.
Stalking: Repeated behavior of unwanted attention, harassment, contact or other
conduct that would make a reasonable person feel uncomfortable. This can also
include online behavior and texting.
Dating Violence: Violence committed by another person who is, or had been in a
relationship of a romantic or intimate nature with the victim. It can be physical,
emotional, economic, psychological, or physical threats.
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Domestic Violence: Abusive behavior towards a person who presently
cohabitates, had in the past, or has a child with.
People often act on assumptions. They think that someone might want sex
because of the mixed signals that they’re receiving or they just mistakenly perceive
things the wrong way. Here are common assumptions that might make people
misunderstand the other person’s intent. I am using women in this example, but it
pertain to a male as well.
◉ She was dancing in a sexy manner
◉ She was showing a lot on skin by wearing a mini skirt and showing
cleavage
◉ She drank with you
◉ She went up to your room with you
◉ She snuggled with you or kissed you
◉ She didn’t say no
◉ She broke the rules
◉ I could tell she wanted it
◉ We had sex once before
Just because someone is doing any of the things on this list, does not mean that
they want sex. It is important to be respectful, don’t assume, and most importantly
ask!
Countless survivors have reached out to me after my programs. They are left with
long-lasting emotional scars. Some stated that they can no longer relax in a social
setting because they don’t know who they can trust. Many do not trust their friends
because they were left in a vulnerable situation while they were drunk. Groups of
friends can be divided as they take sides and the survivor is further traumatized as
some side with the perpetrator. Some leave their campus because they are
blamed, felt that they did not get justice, or they no longer feel comfortable in that
particular setting.
A survivor might blame herself. She feels like she should not have gotten so drunk.
She will often experience shame, guilt, fear anger, denial and betrayal. Many cycle
into depression and get lower grades. They could drink more or engage in more
promiscuous sexual behavior as they try to gain control of a situation that they
once lost control of. She might also experience eating disorders and sleeping
disorders.
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Today there is a strong movement for bystander intervention; in fact there are
several national organizations that focus on men against rape. Be a leader! You
can help to prevent sexual violence. Follow your instincts and have the integrity to
do the right thing. I often say that friends should not let friends hook up drunk.
How often are you at a party and you see someone who is really wasted and
another person is preying on them? Eventually the individual who is preying goes
up to them, takes them by the hand, and takes them to another room or away from
the party. Now what are most of the people thinking? “He’s getting lucky!” What
you should be thinking is, “That person is so drunk, they can’t give permission.
When you can’t give permission, you are stealing from them.”
If you are at a party and believe that a person could become a potential victim,
step in and take him or her to a safe place. It is best to do this with several people.
Some should go over to the potential perpetrator and strike up a conversation as
a form of distraction. In the meanwhile others can take the potential victim to a safe
place. Look at the body language of your friends. If you see that someone looks
uncomfortable, or they are cornered, go over to them and pull them out of the
situation. It can be as simple as grabbing them by the hand and saying, “Oh I
forgot, I meant to tell you something important earlier today.” Our simplest acts of
reaching out and helping someone can make a profound difference in their
emotional well-being and ultimately their life!
There are certain characteristics that a potential sexual offender might display.
These can help you spot someone who could potentially be a perpetrator:
◉ “Hey baby, nice ass!” Is this person objectifying someone as a sexual
object?
◉ Are they feeding someone a lot of drinks? Alcohol is the number one
weapon of a sexual offender.
◉ Do they immediately invade your personal body space?
◉ Are they accusing you of being uptight or prudish?
◉ Are they acting jealous or possessive?
◉ Are they distracted and looking around when you are talking to them? If
so, will they be willing to listen to you in an intimate setting when you are
saying no?
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Peer feedback has tremendous influence on a person’s behavior. One might feel
uncomfortable when they observe a specific pattern of behavior but they don’t
have the courage to speak out. Silence will not make a difference, calling someone
out on their actions will.
If a friend comes to you and states that they have been sexually assaulted, listen
with an open mind and heart and provide as much support as you can. A survivor’s
actions moving forward is often based on the response of the first person that they
share the incident with. If they get support they will seek help. If they don’t, they
often will bury it. You can call campus security or take them to the emergency
room. Connect them with the Title IX officer or other designated safe contacts on
campus so they can learn what options are available to them.
Don’t blame the victim. A lot of times you hear, “Well she was drunk, she deserves
it!” How many times have you gotten a lot more wasted than you initially set out
to? I know I have! We should be afforded the comfort of knowing that if this does
happen, there will be others who will protect us from becoming a victim of sexual
violence.
The key to preventing sexual violence is to be respectful and to communicate
openly and honestly with one another. That’s not always easy, it take’s practice
and a lot of self-confidence. Be assertive and express your limits and desires
clearly to one another. Most importantly, follow your intuition.
22
4. Date Rape Drugs: What’s in Your Drink?
When I speak about sexual assault at campuses I ask my audiences, “How many
of you know someone who has been slipped a date rape drug?” Invariably a
number of hands go up.
The use of a date rape drug is a coward’s way of getting sex. They don’t want to
wine or dine you; they just want to get lucky. The person who uses a date rape
drug does not have the integrity to do the right thing!
The two drugs that are most commonly slipped into people’s drinks are Ruffies or
Rohypnol and GHB otherwise known as G.13 The onset of a date rape drug is fast.
GHB takes effect in 15 minutes and Ruffies in 20 to 30. How do you know if you
have been slipped a date rape drug? If you feel really intoxicated after one or two
drinks you should suspect that something is wrong. You will feel disoriented,
experience slurred speech, and poor muscle control. When these drugs are mixed
with alcohol you will experience an extended blackout that will last for 8 to 10
hours. You will have absolutely no memory of what happened. A person might lose
consciousness and some deaths have been reported as well.
As the drug takes effect, the person who typically comes to your aid or assistance
first is the person that slipped the drug into your drink. Their sole purpose is to get
you out of there, away from everyone, so they can sexually assault you.
Guys need to be aware of these drugs too. I have a male friend who was drinking
at a bar in Miami with a married couple. They were buying him drinks and seemed
to be very nice. The next morning he woke up in a strange motel, his pants were
off, and his wallet was gone. Needless to say, it was a very unnerving experience.
He has no memory of what happened after the bar.
If you feel like you have been slipped a date rape drug, only go to your friends for
help. I always say, “You go to parties together, you stay together, and you leave
together.” Bring the container or cup that you drank from and ask your friends to
get you to the hospital or to call 911. The residue in the container can be tested at
the hospital to determine exactly what has been slipped into your body.
23
The best thing you can do is to prevent yourself from becoming a victim. Follow
these simple steps and you should remain safe:
Don’t drink from a punch at a party. You don’t know what is being tossed or poured
into it. I have heard stories from campuses where girls drank a punch, especially
one that made sweet so it’s easier to get down, and they woke up the next day in
a strange bed with no recollection of how they got there.
Don’t share a drink with an individual.
Don’t drink from a container that is being passed around.
Bring your own drinks to a party.
Keep your hand over your drink at a party. Someone can nonchalantly come by
and drop something in it when you are not looking.
Don’t leave your drink unattended to dance, make a phone call, go to the
bathroom, etc. If you left it unattended, pour yourself a fresh one.
If you are opening a sealed container like water, soda, or a wine cooler, make sure
you hear the swishing sound of the seal breaking.
If a drink tastes salty or has a funny appearance don’t drink it.
Always pour your own drink. I was slipped a date rape drug years ago by a guy
who poured the glass of wine in the kitchen and brought it out to the living room. I
have a friend who asked for a cherry coke at a party when she was in high school
and she was slipped a date rape drug and was raped.
When you are old enough to drink at a club or bar and someone asks you if you
want a drink, go to the bar with that person. First, watch the bartender make your
drink. Many bartenders are offered money from their customers to slip these drugs
into the drinks as they mix or pour them. After the drink is poured, make sure that
you are the one who grabs it first.
When someone is passed out, most people think they consumed too much alcohol,
but we never know what might have caused unconsciousness. Always play it safe
and get that person to the hospital. Being an effective bystander means staying
clear, keeping your guard up, and looking out for one another. These easy
preventive steps will protect you and your friends from becoming a victim.
24
5. The Pleasure of Safe Sex
Sex, we love it! It feels wonderful, and provides numerous physical and emotional
benefits as well. Sex improves our sense of well-being. For women it increases
estrogen, making the hair shinier and the skin healthier. Sex eases pain and
tension. It reduces headaches, congestion, and provides us with a better nights’
sleep. It strengthens our immune system. A romp is comparable to a modest
workout on a treadmill - great for cardio! Most importantly sex creates emotional
bonding between partners.
We live in a society where we are bombarded with sexual images…sex sells! Yet
there is a Puritanical attitude and education is often absent of sex-positive
messages. We want to have fun, have a positive, pleasurable experience, and
remain safe. Sex is one of the most powerful human behaviors but it can give life,
dramatically alter your life, and potentially take away your life.
Let’s talk about healthy relationships. What is the most important sexual organ? It
is not between your legs, it’s the brain! Sex is a very intimate act, and is most
gratifying when you have an emotional connection with your partner. Talk about
sex first. That verbal communication is so important. How fast do you want things
to go, what type of protection should you use, what if things do go wrong, how will
you handle it together as a couple? Remember, if you can’t talk about sex with
your partner, you are not ready to share yourself intimately with him or her! It is
important to get clear and sober consent. Communicate and respect each other’s
needs and comfort levels. No one should do anything that makes them
uncomfortable.
We often think about the physical and ignore the emotional component of sex.
How is this experience affecting the other person, what is going on in their head?
Are both people walking away feeling good about themselves or is one feeling
emotionally hollow and used? While making love it’s good to check in with your
partner; ask if he or she is feeling comfortable. Also guide your partner, share what
feels good and does not feel good. Open and honest verbal communication, and
mutual respect leads to an incredibly satisfying sexual experience.
25
Students often mix alcohol with sex, which feeds into the hookup culture. Many
believe that alcohol will loosen them up and improve sex. Alcohol in moderation
can relax you and enhance the sexual experience. However, higher quantities of
alcohol can lead to the loss of an erection as it dilates the arteries and it creates
vaginal dryness. Mixing a wet noodle with that dry thing is not a recipe for good
sex! Many people get wasted to the point where they are not thinking clearly and
they put themselves at risk. Many wake up the next day with regrets or eventually
find themselves in life altering situations.
When protection is not being used, what can go wrong? I have seen a lot of college
careers that have come to an end or tons of stress added on an already stressful
period of life because of an unintended pregnancy. Ladies, if you are sexually
active, there are many different forms of birth control that are available for you. Go
to your doctor, the health clinic on campus, or to a local clinic to find out what
options are available and best suit your needs. Guys, you should never assume
that a woman is using birth control. You have just as much responsibility in this
game and should always be packing a condom.
The Centers for Disease Control stated that one of the most under-recognized
health problems in the U.S. is the spread of sexually transmitted infections.14 We
tend to gauge our sexual success by whether we get pregnant and don’t think
about the impact of STIs on our health and intimate relationships. Twenty five
percent of all people under the age of 21, and fifty percent under the age of 25 are
infected with an STI.15 Remember, a night of unprotected sex can be life altering
to your health.
Sexually transmitted infections can have long term effects on your health.
Chlamydia is the most common bacterial STI seen in college health centers today.
It is easily treated with antibiotics. Here is the catch, only 25% of the females and
50% of the males show any symptoms. In the absence of symptoms people do not
seek treatment. The bacteria then travel through the reproductive organs, causing
pelvic inflammatory disease which can lead to sterility. The sterility rates in this
county are increasing.
Gonorrhea can have the same affect. There is now a strain of gonorrhea that is
resistant to certain antibiotics. If you are diagnosed with gonorrhea it is crucial that
the clinician performs a gonorrhea culture to determine if it is the resistant strain.
This way a combination of antibiotics can be prescribed.
26
Then there’s herpes, or HVS2 – it’s the gift that keeps on giving! Herpes is a virus
which permanently settles in the central nervous system. When a person
experiences periods of stress, the virus is released, which can cause a recurring
outbreak. An outbreak consists of clusters of blisters that take 10 to 14 days to
heal. Often the person may feel itching or a tingling sensation in that area two days
before the outbreak. The virus lives in the blisters. If you come in contact with them
you will most likely become infected. This can be very challenging to future
relationships where one has to worry about infecting their partner. I’ve met
students who struggled to tell a new partner that they had herpes, only to have
that person back out of the relationship. One in four women and one in six men are
infected with genital herpes.
Never kiss anyone who has a cold sore on their lips. This is herpes HVS1. HVS1 and
HSV2 are interchangeable. I spoke at a campus where a guy passed herpes on to
numerous female students. In fact they wanted to make a wanted type poster with
his face on it that read, “Don’t have sex with this guy!” Their intention was to hang
it up all over campus. He did not know that engaging in oral sex while experiencing
an outbreak on the lip could infect his partners’ genitals. Needless to say, he was
mortified when he found out.
Speaking of oral sex…it is sex! Unprotected oral sex leads to STIs of the throat.
One can contract chlamydia, gonorrhea tonsillitis, herpes, syphilis, HIV, and HPV.
HPV or human papillomavirus is the most commonly spread STI and has 200
strains. Most are harmless and will clear the body within two years. Nine cause
cancer and 6 others are suspected of causing cancer. Some strains cause genital
warts. HPV is the main cause of cervical cancer. HPV Strain 16, the same that
causes cervical cancer, may be responsible for 70 percent of all cases of oral and
throat cancer, which is mostly occurring in men. In some case alcohol and tobacco
can be cofactors.
For protection during oral sex, a latex dental dam or plastic wrap should be placed
on the female’s vulva and a condom on a male. Latex dental dams are colorful
and they are flavored. Both partners will experience the same level of sensitivity
but the dam will provide protection from contact with the vaginal secretions. A
condom should always be placed on the penis, throughout the whole sexual act.
There are condoms that are flavored and they don’t have lubrication on them.
These are more appealing for oral sex.
27
See more at:
http://oralcancerfoundation.org/hpv/hpv-oral-cancerfacts.php#sthash.Vz3icQIi.dpuf
For the most comprehensive information on STIs, go to the CDC website at
www.cdc.gov
Fewer partners decrease the chances of contracting a sexually transmitted
infection You do have sexual options. The safest is to not engage in intercourse,
anal, or oral sex where there is an exchange of bodily fluids. I have met many
students who are choosing to postpone or delay sexual intercourse while waiting
for a more meaningful relationship. You can still be intimate by being creative.
Kissing for a long time, massage, and caressing are intimate, and feel good.
Many people get caught up in the moment of pleasure and don’t practice safe sex.
Others lack the self-confidence to communicate and negotiate safe sex with their
partner. ”Hey buddy, no glove no love!” If you engage in heterosexual vaginal
intercourse a condom should be used every time regardless of what form of birth
control is being used. It should also be used for anal sex in hetero or same sex
relations. There is an increase of STI’s in the rectum. Also, for same sex relations
where a dildo might be used, the dildo should be cleaned before being passed
from one partner to another or a condom should be placed on it. In fact all sex toys
should be cleaned before passing it from one partner to another. Gauge your
sexual success by whether you contract a sexually transmitted infection or not!
It is important to read the directions on the condom box. Pinch a half inch of the tip
of the condom between your index fingers and thumb to create a reservoir for the
collection of semen. Hold that tip as you are rolling until the condom is completely
at the base of the penis. If you let go of the tip before the condom is at the base, it
will fill with air and tear more easily. This simple step will prevent the condom from
breaking. In my 18 years of providing condom demonstrations I have found that
most people put them on the incorrect way.
28
We put ourselves at risk for love because we don’t love ourselves enough. Many
find their affirmation through the sexual attention of others. Find your affirmation
from within, feel good about yourself. Then find the person who respects you for
who you are and desires to bring you emotional and physical pleasure. Sex is fun;
make the most of it through mutual communication, respect, creativity, and be safe!
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6. HIV/AIDS – It’s Not Going Away
Do you ever hear or think to yourself, “AIDS won’t
affect me?” When I speak at campuses across the
country I ask each audience, “How many of you
believe that HIV/AIDS will personally touch your
lives?” Amazingly no one raises their hands!
I lost my mom and step dad to AIDS-related
complications. My step dad contracted the virus from
an injectable medical product that was made from
human plasma. He unknowingly passed it on to my
mom. After caring for two people whom I loved
dearly, and lost to this disease, I will do what I can to
raise awareness.
The trend of complacency towards AIDS is alarming.
HIV, the virus that causes AIDS has been spreading at an increased rate of 56,300
new infections annually. Previously we were seeing 50,000 new infections per
year. Fifty percent of all new infections are occurring in the 15 to 24 year old age
group. Although men having sex with men represent about 4% of the male
population in the United States, in 2010, MSM accounted for 78% of new HIV
infections among males and 63% of all new infections. MSM accounted for 54% of
all people living with HIV infection in 2011. The stats speak for themselves.16
What is fueling this complacency? The protease inhibitor drugs stop the virus from
reproducing in the body and allow infected individuals to live longer and healthier
lives. People are no longer progressing from HIV to AIDS as easily.
We now need to focus on quality of life. The average annual cost of the antiretroviral drugs can run between $20,000 and $30,000.17 The side effects are
difficult. Most notably the virus keeps mutating until it can outfox the drugs, which
renders them ineffective. Because of this, people eventually run out of options for
treatment. Fourteen thousand people died from AIDS-related complications last
year.
30
Although people are living longer studies are showing that HIV accelerates the
aging process. A 55 year old individual is presenting with an immune system
equivalent to that of an 88 year old. We are seeing ailments typical to the older
population such as heart disease, dementia, kidney disease and increased rates
of cancer in people in their 40’s and 50’s. This is due in part to the virus itself and
to the long-term side effects of the drugs.
The most alarming fact about HIV is that it incubates for 10 years. When referring
to a virus, incubation period is from the time that the virus enters the body until you
see the first symptoms. If a person contracts HIV and they do not get tested, it can
take 10 years to show any symptoms! People look good and feel good and this
lends many opportunities to spread the virus. The bottom line is that you can’t
judge a book by its cover!
Often times the incubation period is confused by the window period. This is the
period of time that is takes for enough antibodies to form in the person so they can
test positive on a test. The typical window period is 28 days but some people can
take up to 6 months to test positive.
The four bodily fluids that spread HIV are blood, semen, vaginal secretions, and
breast milk. Activities that allow for blood-to-blood contact are needle-sharing for
illegal drugs or steroid use, sharing sharps for piercing, tattooing, and blood
brothers or sisters. Don’t share razors or toothbrushes because they can become
contaminated with blood. If someone needs medical attention for a cut, always put
on gloves to protect yourself before dressing the womb.
In terms of sexual activity HIV can be spread from oral, anal and vaginal
intercourse. The virus can also pass through the mucous membranes of the mouth
and into the blood stream. Anal is the most dangerous because the tearing of the
tissue along the rectal wall allows the virus to enter into the blood stream.
Women are infected at a higher rate than men from vaginal intercourse. The reason
for this is that women experience micro-tearing along the vaginal wall during
intercourse, they retain semen longer than men are in contact with vaginal
secretions, and there is a higher concentration of HIV in semen than there is in
vaginal secretions.
31
HIV is a virus. It does not know the difference between male or female, gay or
straight, rich or poor, or black or white. If you engage in unprotected sex you could
be putting yourself at risk! Remember, sometimes we can’t turn back the effects of
what happened the night before.
The only cure for HIV/AIDS is prevention! The safest option is abstinence. If you
choose to engage in sex, use universal precautions. A condom needs to be used
each and every time. That will provide the protective barrier to prevent the virus
from passing from one person to another. Latex provides the best barrier but if you
have a latex allergy, you should use a polyurethane condom. Read the directions
on the box, there is a proper way to put it on so it will not break.
Most importantly, if your partner is not willing to practice safe sex, they do not
deserve to be intimately involved with you. They should respect you and honor
your wishes to keep yourself safe and healthy.
32
7. You are Getting Sleepy!
Do you need gallons of coffee to get going in the morning? Are you fuzzy during
the day or feel irritable? Getting to bed too late or not getting enough sleep can
lead to lower grades and an increase in dropped classes. College students are
averaging 6 to 6.9 hours of sleep per night.18 This is less than what is
recommended for sleep’s restorative benefits.
Those who get ample sleep are more productive, think quickly and more clearly,
and are more creative. Sleep not only rests the brain but it allows it to perform
important maintenance and restoration. Sleep is essential to restore the body’s
energy. It strengthens the immune system, helps us to think more clearly and
creatively, and strengthens memory. Sleep improves our mood, and helps us
perform better throughout the day.
Lack of sleep is associated with an increase in illnesses, as our ability to fight off
infection becomes more difficult. Obesity is also connected to less sleep. The
hormone that reduces our appetite is decreased and we see a rise in the hormone
that increases craving for high-calorie foods.
College students are at risk for experiencing mental health issues such as
depression and anxiety. When they are sleep deprived, they feel more stress.
Many researchers believe that lack of sleep is a contributing factor. Sleep
deprivation can also negatively affect your personal relationships. You might find
that you have difficulty focusing on something someone has to say. You can
become more irritable or quick to anger because your quality of communication is
reduced.
Sleep is crucial for memory retention. When you sleep your brain organizes, sorts,
and stores all of the information that you learned in class during the day, into longterm memory. It also helps you weed out irrelevant information. Students are
known for pulling all-nighters but studies show that they do not perform as well.
Study a little each day and the natural process of sleep will help you to gain a
better understanding of the material. You will also retain information better. If you
find you have an academic challenge, study that material right before you go to
bed. Sleeping on it will help with greater retention and understanding.
33
Drowsy driving leads to an increase in car accidents. In fact, 18 to 24 year old
drivers have a considerably higher rate of late night crashes. Fatigue and
sleepiness are often to blame. If you feel tired before you drive, take a nap. Drive
with a friend who will help to keep you awake, keep the car cooler, and play good
tunes. If you feel like you are really tired, pull off the road and find a safe place to
sleep.
So what can you do to improve your sleep hygiene for quality sleep and overall
well-being? Strive to get between 7 to 8 hours of sleep per night. Most importantly,
try to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day of the week. This can be
challenging for a college student, especially on weekends, but it will put your body
on a consistent rhythm or clock. If you nap during the day, sleep for only 15 minutes
so it will not interfere with your sleep at night.
Avoid exercising within 4 hours of your bedtime. Don’t drink stimulants like
caffeine, nicotine, or alcohol close to bedtime. Chocolate has caffeine as well.
Eating late can be disruptive to a good nights’ sleep, so try to eat larger meals
earlier in the evening. Try to avoid upsetting conversations close to bedtime and
don’t dwell on your problems as you go to bed.
Exercise is important to promote a good nights’ sleep. It is best to engage in
vigorous exercise in the late afternoon or at least four hours before you go to bed.
Yoga, which is more relaxing, can be done later and can help you sleep.
Try to get adequate exposure to natural light each day. Exposure to light promotes
a healthy sleep-wake cycle. Artificial light from your electrical devices can
interfere with your ability to fall and stay asleep. Shut off all electrical devices
including your computer and cell phone at least a half hour before you go to bed.
Your room should be set at a comfortable temperature and it should be dark and
quiet.
It could take some adjustments to find just the right sleep-wake cycle for you. If
you experience sleep disturbances or find that you are sleepy during the day,
change your cycle. Once you settle into a routine you will feel the difference and
it will be worth the effort. Sweet dreams!
34
8. High Anxiety
Over the years I have interacted with many college counselors. Those who have
worked in higher education for an extended period of time are seeing a dramatic
increase in their case loads. From day one of the academic year their schedules
are full. More students are entering college with mental health issues. Some who
never would have attended college in the past are doing so because of the
prescription drugs that are presently available, and many parents are pressuring
those who aren’t suited for college life to attend.
A 2011 national survey of those who were diagnosed with a mental health condition
and were presently enrolled, or enrolled in college within the past five years, found
that 64% were no longer attending because of a mental health-related reason.19
Many stated that they might have stayed in school if there were adequate campusbased accommodations and mental health services. Graduation rates are
important in ranking colleges. Providing comprehensive mental health services is
a wise investment for your campus.
Anxiety disorders are one of the most common mental health problems on college
campuses. Over the past year college counselors have been observing a
considerable increase in anxiety. Forty million American adults suffer from anxiety
disorders with 75 percent of them experiencing their first episode by age 22.20
Anxiety is essential to get us out of harms’ way. It prepares us for important events
and it warns us when we need to take action. When students experience anxiety
that is persistent, seems uncontrollable, or interferes with daily activities, they may
have an anxiety disorder. They experience a persistent and irrational dread of
everyday situations and can be disabled by it. It is difficult to stop the worry cycle,
and it often feels beyond their control. Some realize that their anxiety is more
intense than is warranted.
35
Every day anxiety
•
•
•
•
•
•
OR
Anxiety Disorder
•
Worry about money,
job, or romance
Embarrassment
Self-conscious
Nervous before test or
presentation
Realistic fear of place
or object
Anxiety/sadness after
traumatic event
•
•
•
•
Constant unsubstantiated
worry, causing distress
Avoiding social situations for
fear of being judged
Panic attack or fear of having
another one
Irrational fear/avoidance of
place that poses no threat
Recurring
nightmares/emotional
numbing months later
College is a stressful time. Students are juggling academics, work, friends, and
family while trying to figure out what they want to do with the rest of their lives.
The Great Recession has created insurmountable stress as students are struggling
to pay for their education. For those whose parents are paying, they often shoulder
their stress as well.
One counselor shared that they are no longer dealing with helicopter parents.
They are now challenged with stealth bomber parents who are in your face.
Students have not been allowed to fall, to fail, and figure things out for themselves.
They are not as equipped as they once were to handle their own battles. They
can’t pick themselves up as easily as previous generations and they are
unraveling.
Many campuses have raised the bar and are accepting much brighter students
than they have in the past. These students tend to be more competitive which leads
to higher anxiety.
A lot of students are self-medicating and smoking more pot to lower their anxiety.
In fact, marijuana use is increasing at a considerable rate on campuses. This often
leads to a-motivational syndrome where students lose the ability to accomplish
their work. This leads to a vicious cycle where their anxiety increases and they
smoke more pot or drink more to lessen that anxiety.
36
A student who is experiencing anxiety doesn’t always seek help. Look for students
who are withdrawn and not engaged. Parents and siblings will often call when they
have concerns; act on those. It is important to provide a staff training session by
the counselors so the campus community will be involved. Most importantly the
RA’s should be included in the training. They are the eyes and ears of your
students. For those who work in athletics, the coaches and trainers also hear and
observe things that others may not.
Look for barriers for seeking help, such as the location of the mental health center.
If it is in a high-traffic area or it employs peers, students might be reluctant to come.
A strong referral system needs to be in place to provide services and support. It is
crucial to provide assistance with forms and paperwork, which can seem
excessive. Most importantly mental health issues should be treated with the same
priority as physical conditions. There is often a stigma surrounding mental health
issues. Think of it this way, the heart is an organ. We accept and openly help those
who have an unhealthy heart or heart disease. The brain is an organ too. It is quite
complicated. We need to be more supportive of those who are in need of mental
help.
If you are a student and are experiencing anxiety or depression, make an
appointment to get help at the counseling center. Don’t feel stigmatized by it. You
would be surprised by how many other students are seeking help. They often don’t
talk about it.
You can also sponsor mental health awareness activities. Students identified staff
training, suicide prevention activities, student organization groups, access to
mental health information during orientation, peer support and mentoring, and
health fairs as being especially helpful.
Anxiety and depression can take a toll on family, friends, and the campus
community. Support is crucial for the recovery process. As administrators and
fellow students, keep your eyes and ears open. If you feel that a student is
struggling with anxiety, provide support and encourage them to seek professional
help. Getting better takes hard work for the person suffering from anxiety, but with
it they can overcome the disorder and live a better quality of life.
37
9. Finding Happiness
Each year I speak to therapists who work in counseling centers at campuses across
the country. Their case loads have increased dramatically. They are most
commonly seeing students who are seeking help for depression and anxiety. After
recently reading two studies on happiness, I figured it was a good time to share
proven tips on how to find it. Happiness is valued far more than any other virtue.
Exercise increases the flow of endorphins which enhances your feeling of wellbeing. It relaxes you and provides a more positive feeling about your body image
even if you do not see a physical change. One study showed that even a seven
minute workout can be enough. Exercise actually has a greater impact on treating
depression than antidepressants.
Get more sleep. Sleep deprivation negatively affects the hippocampus in the brain
which processes positive memories. Studies involving college students showed
that when sleep deprived participants were asked to recall a list of words, they
remembered the negative words at a greater rate than the positive ones. Your
mood early in the day, which is dependent on a good night’s sleep, determines
how you feel the rest of the day. A mid afternoon nap can be beneficial. Those
who take short naps are able to overcome feelings of fear and anger which tend
to come flooding in during the late afternoon hours.
Live closer to work. Those who spend hours commuting are exhausted by the time
they get to work and return home. You sacrifice time that brings you pleasure and
spend more money commuting.
Stay in touch and spend more time with family and friends, because the most
important thing in your life is your relationship to others. Neglecting this is one of
the top five regrets on one's deathbed. The support from my family and friends has
been invaluable in my toughest times. I laugh a lot when I am with my friends, and
laughter is the best medicine!
Smile a genuine smile. It can't be fake; it has to involve the eyes. When backed up
with positive thoughts a smile will make you feel better physically and emotionally.
Did you ever notice how contagious a smile is? Our brains have receptors that are
hard-wired to receive a smile with positive feelings. If someone looks dour it tends
to bring us down, when they smile, you smile. Surround yourself with positive
people.
38
Spend time outdoors. When exercise is performed outside, it has more emotional
benefits than when it is performed indoors. Spending twenty minutes outdoors in
good weather elevates mood, broadens creative thinking, and improves memory.
I bundle up or carry an umbrella on a nasty day and walk. The fresh air makes a
tremendous difference in my attitude and productivity.
Take time to volunteer to help others. The single most effective exercise in
developing a sense of well-being is reaching out to enhance the lives of others.
The magic number is 100 hours a year or two hours per week. Community service
boosts happiness, eases depression, increases greater life satisfaction, and
longevity. One study showed that people were happier when they spent money
on others rather than themselves.
Practice gratitude every day. I constantly live in gratitude. When things get tough,
I sit back and realize that it could be a lot worse. Always look at the positive things
in your life. Keep a daily gratitude journal and jot down three things that you were
grateful for in that particular day. Express it verbally to those who are close to you.
Taking time to meditate improves focus, clarity, attention span, and is calming.
One study concluded after eight weeks of a meditation class, neuroimaging
showed the area of the participant’s brains controlling self-awareness and
compassion grew, while areas associated with stress shrank. Meditation is one of
the most effective tools for living a happy life.
Plan an adventure that brings you pleasure. The mere act of planning and
anticipating a vacation, but not necessarily taking one, can boost one's happiness
for eight weeks. People who thought about seeing a movie had a 27% increase in
their endorphin levels. Always have something on the calendar that provides a
break from work. It can be as simple as going to a concert, a sporting event, road
trip to visit friends, or hiking.
I am a cock-eyed optimist with a great love for life. Life is too short to be unhappy!
It doesn't always come easy but if you incorporate some of these tips into your
daily routine you will be pleasantly rewarded.
39
10. Keep Moving
Studies are showing that Americans are becoming more sedentary - we are
averaging 5,900 steps a day when we should be taking 10,000.21 When I was
growing up, obesity was rare. On one hand I can name friends parents who were
overweight. Between computers, smart devices and TV, we are moving less,
gaining weight, and are experiencing an increase in weight-related ailments such
as diabetes and cardiovascular disease. From 1965 to 2009, people's sedentary
time outside of work increased by 40 percent.22
People can strive to exercise each day or even several days a week, but that is
not enough. Those who sit for a living do not live as long as those who stand and
move about. People who watch many hours of television experience a higher risk
of death. That includes individuals who engage in seven hours of moderate to
vigorous exercise a week. Marching during the commercials, while viewing an hour
and a half of television will add 2,000 steps to your day.23 (A sad commentary on
how many commercials we are forced to watch!)
I remember a conversation with a respectful athletic trainer before I presented to
the athletes at U Mass Dartmouth. She said, "We were built to move - our bodies,
joints and muscles function much better when we do." I was always athletic but as
responsibilities pile on, it's not as easy to take time out to exercise.
So how do I keep moving? If people could see me at home they would think I am
nuts! I am always making an effort to incorporate exercise into my daily routine.
Squats are performed as I blow dry my hair and leg lifts while brushing my teeth
or doing dishes. When I am working at my desk I force myself to stand and march
in place every hour. I have an exercise ball and weights in my office and use a
headset phone. While I am talking to people at different campuses I pick up the
smaller weights to work on my arms. I also bounce on the exercise ball to work on
my thighs. I never walk up or down the steps, I always run.
Recently I had an appointment on the tenth floor of a building in Philadelphia.
When leaving the office I saw a long line of people who were waiting for the
elevator. I decided to walk down the steps, arriving on the ground floor the same
time they did. As a bonus, the large windows in the stairwell provided at fantastic
view of the city.
40
As a frequent flyer I stand or walk laps around the boarding area of the airport,
knowing that I will be sitting for a while. While sitting, isometrics are performed,
isolating and tightening various muscles to build tone.
Incorporating movement into your daily routine will raise your metabolism, helping
to control weigh and provide muscle tone. It will elevate your mental acuity by
increasing the blood flow back to the brain and help you to secrete more
endorphins, thus elevating your mood. Who doesn't want to look and feel better?
Be creative in the ways you incorporate exercise into your daily routine. Perhaps
it could be as simple as parking further back in a parking lot, or not using a drive
up window. Take the stairs rather than the elevator. Run up the stairs! Walk across
campus instead of taking the inner campus transport. It was discovered that even
washing dishes or kneading bread by hand is beneficial. Many gadgets were
created to make our lives simpler, but they are actually creating a sedentary life
style and we are seeing the effects of it by getting out of shape!
I recently met an 89 year old woman who was spry, radiant and as sharp as can
be. Her secret? She never stops moving or working. This past year she volunteered
for Habitat for Humanity and filled a whole dumpster by herself! So keep moving!
Your body and mind will be much healthier! An ounce of prevention can go a long
way.
41
11. Energy Drinks: The Monster Under Your Bed
Monster, Red Bull, 5-Hour Energy - heavy advertising dollars are spent by the
companies who manufacture them. They primarily focus on the college market,
especially at exam time. It’s big business, if they had their way, energy drinks
would replace coffee. One Red Bull advertisement reads, “Nobody wishes they
slept more in college.” They are making big bucks at the expense of thousands of
students’ health.
Fifty percent of college students say they consumed one to four energy drinks in
the past month while only 15 percent of adults have.24 According to the Substance
Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, energy drink-related
emergency room visits doubled from 10,068 in 2007 to 20,783 in 2011. Most
patients were between the ages of 18 to 25.25
Recently lawmakers and health activists called for the Food and Drug
Administration to regulate these beverages. Manufacturers do not have to disclose
the ingredients nor the amount of caffeine on the labels. Often the ingredients that
have a stimulant effect are not listed. Energy drinks can contain three to four times
the amount of caffeine that you would find in a cup of coffee. A six ounce cup of
coffee contains 100 mg of caffeine. A can of soda is regulated to have no more
than 65 mg of caffeine while some energy drinks contain between 150 and 505
mg per can.
Most of these drinks contain high amounts of sugar, taurine, and guarana. Guarana
contains guanine, which is also caffeine. One gram of guarana is equal to as much
as 40 mg of caffeine. Often the amount of guarana is not listed on the labels so
the stimulant effect is much higher than one would imagine. Also, the higher
quantities of sugar cause tooth decay and weight gain.
Some deaths and other health complications have stemmed from the use of
energy drinks. I experienced this first-hand. When my son was 17 he attended at
party where energy drinks were served. Not knowing how dangerous they were,
he consumed quite a few of them. The next night he went into the bathroom and
we heard the sound of things breaking. My husband said, “What are you doing?”
When there was no reply, he ran in and found my son on the floor having a seizure.
It is not fun to witness this, especially when it is your child.
42
The next day he told us about the energy drinks. Through our research we learned
that energy drinks can cause seizures by altering the balance of electrolytes
through dehydration. He has not touched one since.
Excessive caffeine causes anxiety, digestive problems, vomiting, heart
palpitations, elevated blood pressure and heart rate, and an increase in sleep
disorders. It leads to dehydration, making it more difficult for the body to flush out
the toxins, thus increasing them, and can cause seizures and sometimes death.
A study was released showing the effects of energy drinks on the heart. Using
cardiac MRI’s researchers saw an increase in heart contractions (how hard the
heart squeezes to pump the blood out) for one hour after one energy drink was
consumed. Large quantities or consuming these drinks for a prolonged period of
time can be dangerous. This increased stimulation causes thickening and scarring
of the heart, leading to a rise in cardiac rhythm abnormalities which could be
deadly.
Another concern is when energy drinks are mixed with alcohol. When people
combine alcohol and caffeine, the caffeine counteracts the body’s sedative effects
of intoxication by keeping them more alert. Because the person does not
experience those symptoms they tend to drink more. When intoxication might slow
them down or even make them pass out, the caffeine keeps them going and places
them in harms’ way. They are not aware of the effects of alcohol, feel invincible,
and take risks they may not normally take. When the caffeine wears off they feel
the full effects of the alcohol.
Both alcohol and caffeine cause dehydration. A dehydrated body does not break
down the alcohol as well, leading to lack of coordination, balance, and ability to
regulate body temperature. Other negative effects such as unwanted sex,
increased violence, alcohol poisoning, and subsequent blackouts have been
observed on many campuses nationwide.
Students who combined alcohol and caffeine were more likely to sustain alcoholrelated injuries as opposed to students who drank alcohol. In fact, those who mixed
caffeine and alcohol believed they were more capable of driving a car when
compared with the students who consumed alcohol alone. Once again the caffeine
leads to a feeling of invincibility, as it masks the true level of intoxication.
43
It is important for you to talk to your friends who might be mixing these cocktails.
This is a dangerous practice. Rule of thumb: don’t mix alcohol with caffeinated
energy drinks and don’t consume more than one alcoholic beverage per hour.
Drink a non-alcoholic beverage in between to rehydrate and to give the body
chance to break down the alcohol.
It’s important to look at what is going on in our lives and personal health. What is
creating reliance on these drinks? Students use them because they are tired, did
not get enough sleep, or need to pull an all-nighter. Many feel it provides mental
clarity. Studies have shown that when compared to a placebo, (sugar-free
lemonade) consuming an energy drink had no significant effect on reasoning,
concentration or aptitude.
If you feel like you are reliant on energy drinks it may be a good time to take stock
of your life. Why are you so tired? Are you getting eight hours of sleep each night?
Is your diet well-balanced and free of junk food? Are you drinking eight glasses of
water a day? Do you exercise daily? Fatigue can stem from a deficiency in any of
these. What is your time management like? If you establish healthy habits you will
be less reliant on them.
The bottom line is that energy drinks do not contain healthy ingredients. We don’t
need the caffeine, guaranine, and sugar. You are what you eat; ingest things that
enhance your overall well-being. Treat your body like a temple- it's the only one
you've got. If you do so, you will be rewarded with a better quality of life.
44
12. The Skinny on Soda
Are you starting your day off with a can of soda? Do you keep track of how much
you consume in a day, in a week? Almost half of all Americans drink at least one
can of soda per day, yet it has no nutritional value. Soda is nothing but sugar water
and it leads to many health problems.
For 13 years I worked as dental hygienist, so I would like to start off with its effects
on the teeth. A 12 ounce can of soda contains between 9 and 13 teaspoons of
sugar. Darker sodas like Coke and Pepsi fall in the 9 to 10 teaspoon range while
sweeter sodas such as orange contain 13! Sugar may not be listed as an ingredient;
it comes in the form of high-fructose corn syrup, a sweetener which is second on
the list. I am just talking about a 12 ounce can; imagine the amount of sugar in a
super-sized drink!
Sugar is acidic. When someone eats or drinks anything containing sugar, the PH of
the saliva drops from neutral to acid. It remains acidic until 20 minutes after the
person completely consumes it. So if you take a half hour to drink a can of soda,
the teeth are sitting in an acid bath for a total of 50 minutes. That acid eats through
the enamel and causes tooth decay, leading to those dreaded cavities. It is
important to take care of your teeth. Besides contributing to your appearance, your
teeth are the first in line of a complex digestive system. If the food is not chewed
well, it is more difficult to digest and absorb the optimal levels of nutrients into the
body. Also it’s important to consider the high cost of dental care.
Dentists refer to the high cavity rate of their patients who drink a lot of Mountain
Dew as “Mountain Dew Mouth” because of its excessive sugar level. Now there is
a concern as to what it does to the mind. One ingredient brominated vegetable oil,
or BVO prevents separation of the flavoring. When consumed in large quantities, it
is known to cause memory loss and nerve disorders. BVO can build up in body fat,
and it is suspected of causing behavioral problems, infertility, and lesions on heart
muscles.
Soda also decalcifies your bones. The carbonation in soda irritates the stomach
lining. The body responds by pulling out its own antacid, calcium, which is directly
drawn from the blood. The blood then needs to replenish its supply to maintain
brain and muscular function by pulling the calcium from the bones. The darker
sodas contain phosphoric acid which also draws calcium from the bones.
45
Esophageal cancer is one of the fastest growing cancers in this country. The
stomach contains acid which dissolves tissue. The cells lining the stomach are
much different than the ones in the esophagus. The carbonation in soda triggers
belching. This forces the stomach acids into the esophagus, leading to irritation
and mutations which create lesions in the lower section. These lesions can
eventually turn into esophageal cancer.
Soda contributes to a buildup of fat around your liver and skeletal muscles. People
who drank one soda every day for 6 months experienced a 123% increase in liver
fat. The buildup of fat in the liver can lead to insulin resistance and diabetes. Insulin
regulates the amount of sugar in the blood. Within 20 minutes of ingesting soda
insulin levels in the body skyrocket. The blood pressure rises because the liver
deposits more sugar in the bloodstream. One soda a day contributes to a 20%
increase in heart attacks over a 22 year period. Women who drank soda every day
compared to those who drank other beverages experience high levels of
triglycerides, (the fat in our blood) leading to an 11 percent increase in cholesterol.
Many believe that if they drank diet soda they would be spared of the weight gain.
A study from the University of Texas monitored 475 adults for 10 years. Those who
drank diet soda had a 70 percent increase in waist circumference compared to
those who did not drink any soda. The people who drank more than two diet sodas
a day saw a 500 percent increase in waist size!26 A separate study found it was
the aspartame that raised blood glucose levels and caused the weight gain. When
the liver encounters too much sugar the excess is converted to body fat.
Water quenches the thirst and hydrates the body more effectively than soda. Fruit
juices can contain higher amounts of sugar than water but they contain nutrients
and are far healthier. Sometimes I feel like a broken record, but I often say you are
what you eat, or in this case, what you drink.
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13. Tipping the Scales: Weighing in on Obesity
Do you often hear the term Freshmen 15? How common is it for students to put on
weight when they enter college? The picture of health painted by epidemiologists
for younger people in this country is not so rosy. Nationwide, campus
administrators and faculty have observed an increase in overweight students.
There’s a significant increase of obesity related disorders in teens and people in
their twenties. Type 2 diabetes, hypertension, and high cholesterol typically seen
in middle age are now affecting younger people.
The estimated annual medical cost of obesity in the U.S. is 190 billion dollars.27
Experts believe that these younger people will be a greater health burden at 50
than their parents are. I see the impact of obesity around me on a daily basis.
People can’t walk as easily so they are using canes at much younger ages. Many
request to pre-board planes because they can’t walk as fast.
When I was growing up there were only a few adults that I knew who were
overweight. Today, heavy seems to be the acceptable aesthetic. Sixty eight
percent of all Americans are overweight.28
Not only is obesity a public health issue but research shows that when students
gain weight they lose self-confidence as they become self-conscious of their
changing bodies. Depression and anxiety can set in, which leads to feeling of a
loss of self-control and eating more to self-medicate. The eating and depression
cycle becomes unmanageable as the lack of physical activity increases. Weight
gain can then spiral out of control in a few years.
The life style of a typical college student makes it easy to gain weight. You come
into a cafeteria where there is an abundance of food and desserts. We live in a
super-size society where bigger portions are the norm. Junk food and snacks are
abundant. Consuming a few more calories per day and per week is cumulative. It’s
easy to gradually put on a few pounds every year and before you know it, the
weight is on and it’s hard to shed.
The following tips will help prevent weight gain. This should be about your health,
not body image. Value your health and your well-being. Make food choices
because they are good for you and you’ll feel better.
47
First, don’t skip meals. Food is your fuel source for a healthy immune system and
provides brain power. You need food for energy; without it you can develop
headaches and become lethargic. Studies show that those who skip breakfast gain
more weight. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You are breaking
that 5 to 10 hour fast. Avoid fast food sandwiches that are laden with fat and salt.
Instead eat yogurt, eggs, or fruit.
Watch portions. Don’t feel like you need to fill your plate and stomach. I often look
at a serving of food and try to determine if it will fit comfortably in my stomach.
Rule of thumb, don’t eat a portion of a particular food that is larger than the palm
of your hand and stop eating before you feel full. Choose a variety of food for your
diet, this way it will be more balanced.
Students who linger in the dining hall after a meal will graze and eat more. I am
not saying that you should eat fast, but if you leave the food area as soon as you
have finished you will reduce temptation to eat more.
Watch the carbs and sugar laden foods which easily convert into fat. If you drink
alcohol, decrease the amount that you are consuming. The body recognizes the
sugars in alcohol as fat and converts it to fatty tissue. Read the ingredients on the
labels of your food and avoid high fructose corn syrup. HFCS is easily converted
to fat by the body. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables and high quality protein. Be
aware of the quality of the snacks you are consuming. Replace sugary snacks with
nuts, popcorn, sun flower seeds, or fruit. All have essential nutrients and fewer
calories.
Watch fat intake, especially trans and saturated fats; fried foods contain both. Limit
where you can, without totally eliminating fats. You need some fats to be healthy,
so look for monounsaturated or polyunsaturated fats.
Avoid soda and other sugary drinks. It is important to stay hydrated; water best
satisfies our thirst and is much healthier. It helps to flush the toxins from the body.
Don’t eat right before you go to bed. Gravity helps to move your food through your
digestive tract. When you go to bed on a full stomach that process shows down
and you absorb more calories.
If you live on a large campus that offers shuttles, walk to class. The average person
should be walking 10,000 steps a day but most don’t. Take advantage of the
recreation facilities. Carving out time to exercise each day not only benefits your
physical health but it improves your emotional well-being.
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14. Is Pot Safe Because it’s Legal?
Over the past two years campuses have seen a considerable increase in marijuana
use. Many are requesting that I address it in my program. I now ask students if they
think that marijuana is safe because it’s legal in three states and numerous states
have passed medical marijuana laws. Most respond that it is.
Some of the pot grown for medicinal purposes is different than that for recreational
use. The growers specifically develop a plant that has very little THC, the active
ingredient which makes a person high. Instead it is high in CBD or cannabidiol
which provides the medicinal benefits such as decreasing seizures, reducing pain,
reducing nausea and vomiting, and increasing appetites in those with wasting
syndrome. 29 Alternately, some strains are extremely strong or high in THC with
potencies over 20%THC content!
Medical marijuana can be smoked or is available in a pill which reduces the risks
that come with smoking. The biggest difference between medicinal marijuana and
recreational is the source. The medicinal is of higher and consistent quality
because it is grown to specific standards. What is purchased on the street is
inconsistent in potency and could be laced with other drugs or sprayed with
pesticides.
Like recreational marijuana, medical also has negative side effects. In the case of
terminally and seriously ill patients the short-term benefits outweigh the risks.
49
Many people are smoking to self-medicate. This occurs when someone uses it for
therapeutic purposes such as insomnia or depression without professional care.
Recreational pot is a lot stronger than it was 20 years ago. It has 300 percent more
THC and is now considered a gateway drug.30 Because it is stronger it goes to the
brain faster, increasing the reward effect with an increasing likelihood of addiction.
Nine percent of people who smoke pot become physically addicted to it.31
The brain develops its own natural cannabidiol, but chronic users stop secreting it.
They need to smoke just to feel normal, not lousy. Cannabidiol helps us transition
into a sleepy state. When the brain is depleted of it, the person can't sleep. A friend
of ours quit after many years of daily use and couldn’t sleep for months. It took
some time for his brain to start to secrete it again.
MRI's of regular users show a shrinking of the hippocampus, the area of the brain
that controls memory. THC suppresses the activity of the hippocampal cells, called
neurons, below the level necessary to develop memory formation. These people
have difficulty forming and retrieving memory. As we age we lose neurons in the
hippocampus; older people struggle with memory loss. Chronic THC exposure
speeds up that process. Scientists found that young rats exposed to THC daily for
eight months showed the same hippocampal cell loss as rats twice their age.
There is also a shrinking of the white matter of the brain. The white matter helps
the brain communicate from one area to another. College students who smoke pot
regularly show impaired skills related to attention, memory, and learning 24 hours
after their last use. We also see deficits in math and verbal retrieval.33
The smoke from pot contains the same amount of smoke and tar as cigarettes.
People who smoke pot are actually exposed to more smoke and tar because they
hold the smoke in longer and there are no filters on joints or pipes.
As the THC content of marijuana increases, so does its potential to cause adverse
effects such as paranoia, anxiety and panic attacks, hallucinations, erratic mood
swings, and aggressive behavior.
My greatest concern is a-motivational syndrome. Pot reduces dopamine which is
linked to reward driven behavior like achieving goals. A student I know had a 4.0
GPA in high school. He attended a prestigious university and was thriving in a
rigorous program.
50
His use of pot increased, by his junior year his grades tanked. By senior year he
was so wasted he could not even get it together to drop his classes. He is saddled
with incredible debt and has nothing to show for it.
We talked a lot and I advised him to stop smoking. One day he called me, we took
a long hike. He told me that he quit smoking two weeks prior. The life was back in
his voice, he had energy again; in fact he was getting up at five o'clock every
morning to jog.
He shared that students need to reflect on their lives and compare how they
functioned before they used pot regularly, versus after. Is it helping them, or getting
in the way of accomplishing what they need to achieve their daily and long-term
goals? What kind of rituals and friendships have developed just because of pot?
Looking back he realized that the regular use of pot has interfered with his daily
activities and set him back quite a few years.
Don’t get caught up in the hype that you are seeing or reading about medicinal
marijuana. It is important to understand the difference between medicinal and
recreational. You don’t want your future to go up in smoke.
51
15. Prescription for Trouble
Four years ago I gave the eulogy for my friend Tom who grew up in the same
neighborhood as me in Clark, NJ. Tom became the head of electrical maintenance
for Bellcorp Headquarters and experienced two work-related injuries. In both
cases he was prescribed OxyContin which led to an addiction to this powerful
opiate derivative.
His life unraveled around him as the addiction took hold. Eventually he began to
snort Oxy. This drug was running down the back of his throat, into his esophagus
for two years. Eventually he developed esophageal cancer. Within five weeks of
diagnosis Tom passed away. I sat and held his hand three days before he died.
My heart was breaking that night as I said goodbye to my dear friend, because I
knew it was the last time I would see him.
The United States is spending billion dollars annually on the war on drugs yet we
are losing the greatest battle within the medicine cabinets of our homes.33 in 2013
more than 16,000 Americans died from overdosing on opiod prescription
painkillers34 - more than from all illegal drugs combined. Drug overdoses are now
the largest cause of accidental death in this country.
In my hometown of Doylestown, PA, a lot of high school students are addicted to
heroin. These are good kids, who are excellent students, who come from loving
families. A person does not wake up one day and say, "Hey I want to be a heroin
addict when I grow up!" It starts with the opiate derivatives such as Percoset,
OxyContin and Vicodin. They are in the same narcotic family as heroin.
A person takes a pill to mellow out, often experimentally as he or she wants to fit
in. Then they may take it within a week to catch that same buzz. Soon they may
notice that they are experiencing flu-like symptoms. This is a response to the
withdrawal from the drug, indicating that the body has developed an addiction to
the opiates. As the tolerance to the opiates develop, there will be a need to take
larger doses at more frequent intervals, just to feel normal, and so the vicious cycle
of addiction begins.
The cost of supporting this addiction increases to the point where it is prohibitive.
The cost for an opiate pill on the street is quite expensive. Then someone offers
the addict heroin as a much cheaper option, and so it goes. One finds themselves
in a position that they never would have imagined.
52
Recent research shows that opiods cause long-lasting changes to the brain,
rewiring some areas to crave more drugs while damaging parts that control those
cravings. The drugs damage the brain's ability to feel pleasure. Eventually regular
users need to take them not to get high or help with pain, but again to feel normal.
An addiction to heroin is the most difficult one to break. Sadly I have been to
funerals for young people who had their whole lives ahead of them because they
overdosed on heroin or fentanyl.
The abuse of the stimulant drugs like Adderall and Ritalin is increasing on college
campuses. Students who are prescribed these drugs will often sell them to others,
or some will purchase them on the street for a very high price.
Taking a pill that is not prescribed for you has adverse effects. When a physician
is prescribing a stimulant, they carefully consider one's weight, medical history,
allergies, side effects and interactions with other drugs. The drug is prescribed at
a lower dose, gradually increasing until a safe, therapeutic dose is reached. If the
drug is taken in doses other than what is prescribed, it creates a firing of dopamine
and a feeling of euphoria is produced. A person then chases that same sensation
which can lead to addiction. A tolerance to the drug develops and higher doses
are needed. High doses of these drugs lead to irregular heartbeat, cardiac arrest,
and seizures.
Students take these drugs so they can pull all-nighters. The best way to avoid the
need to use stimulants is to adopt a practice of efficient time management.
Discipline yourself to prioritize your academic work. Start long-term projects
immediately and work on them over the course of time. Study a little each day for
your tests. Studies show that all-nighters are linked to lower grades because the
brain is deprived of its need to rest and replenish itself. If you review the most
difficult information before you go to bed, you will have greater retention.
People misperceive that prescription drugs are safe because they are legal and
can be obtained from doctors, pharmacies, family and friends, as opposed to a
drug dealer. This is a serious problem that has ruined the lives of thousands. If
someone offers you a prescription drug, say, "No thanks!" More often than not it
will be left at that. It is best to respect the power of these drugs and avoid them
completely.
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16. Molly – Nothing to Rave About
Nine people ranging from ages 15 to 25 years collapsed during a Zed’s Dead
concert at the Electric Factory in Philly. The concert was cancelled. One attendee
reported that many people were sloppy, eyes rolling to the back of their heads
and they were falling. In the past few years a drug called Molly seems to have
made its way into the Electronic Dance Music scene. College campuses have also
experienced a considerable increase in the use of molly within the past year.
Reportedly, students who don’t typically use drugs are using it.
Molly, originating from the word molecule, is the powder or crystal form of MDMA,
the purest form of Ecstasy. MDMA is most commonly known for its use in the
pressed pill Ecstasy. Coming across the Canadian border and from Asia, it is now
being marketed as a club drug. In the late 90’s and early 2000’s, I addressed
Ecstasy in my programs at campuses across the country. Eventually I deleted it
because it seemed like the drug disappeared. The reemergence of its use is
causing me to dust that topic off and bring it back to the forefront.
It is difficult to tell if the drug, which is sold as a powder or pills with Coach or
Mercedes pressed into them is pure. Ingredients are mixed in unsanitary places
like bathtubs and toilets and Molly can be laced with Ketamine, meth and heroin.
The active ingredient, MDMA, induces feelings of empathy and creates a feeling
of love and warmth towards everyone. So one’s feelings are not real, they are
created by the drug. Users have the desire to touch and feel but do not perform
well sexually.
MDMA can cause confusion, anxiety, depression, paranoia, sleep problems, and
drug cravings. Physical effects include increased heart rate, heavy sweating, teeth
clenching, chills, seizures, convulsions, and a sharp increase in body temperature.
Serotonin, a neurotransmitter, is a chemical that transmits nerve impulses from one
cell to another in the brain. MDMA harms the nerve cells, causing an alteration in
the serotonin levels, affecting mood, and often cycling people into long-term
depression and anxiety after its use. It has also been shown that one time use of
MDMA can create lesions in the brain. Memory deficits can also occur in users.
54
Often taken at raves, the continuous dancing without rest or rehydration can cause
the body temperature to rise to dangerous levels. Excessive perspiration induces
a loss of fluid and the euphoric qualities of the drug make the user oblivious to
their energy expenditure. Molly is often taken with alcohol, causing further
dehydration and putting the user at greater risk. This dehydration leads to
overheating, convulsing and seizures.
An undercover drug officer once shared a story of a young man who died from an
MDMA overdose. His body temperature continued to climb to well over 108
degrees an hour after his death. He also showed a video of a guy flopping on the
floor like a fish out of water. This was a result o the increase in body temperature.
I have been speaking at colleges for the past 18 years. Each year it always seems
that there is a new substance to tempt students. Never did I think that Ecstasy
would return in the form of Molly. My own personal motto and message to students
has been,“ Treat your body like a temple. It is the only one you’ve got.” If you
respect it, you will remain healthy and have a good quality of life. I have seen
many friends who experimented with various drugs and compromised their health
and quality of life. Nothing else matters unless you remain healthy.
55
17. Bath Salts: Your Life Down the Drain
A twenty year old man from my hometown stripped naked, jumped out of a second
story window and broke both legs. He proceeded to tackle a woman and began
gnawing on her head. A man in West Virginia was arrested after he killed his
neighbor’s pet goat while wearing women’s underwear. Both had been using bath
salts.
These extreme behaviors are caused by significantly elevated body temperatures.
The brain begins to cook itself and the body reacts by forcing the victim to remove
their clothes. The brain stem remains slightly cooler than the rest of the brain and
the most primitive bodily functions and instincts remain.
The synthetic stimulant or designer drug known as bath salts appeared in the
United States in 2009. In 2010, 303 exposures were reported to Poison Control
Centers; 5,625 in 2011.35 These are just the ones that are reported. Bath salts are
costing our health care system significant dollars, and they are taking lives.
This white, yellow or brown powder is commonly advertised as “bath additives” to
make one feel relaxed, uplifted or serene. It has also been camouflaged as plant
food, stain remover, toilet bowl cleaner and hookah cleaner. It is sold in graphic
packages or containers as a product intended to do something other than impair
a person. They do not contain bath salts but rather three potent synthetic
cathinones- MDPV, Mephedrone, and Methylone which mimic cocaine and
methamphetamine.
Every box or packet has a label that reads, “Not for human consumption.” This way
the manufacturers can skirt all FDA and DEA regulations.
Bath salts are changing. After the five common ingredients were banned, the
products didn't disappear, they evolved. As soon as the drugs were declared
illegal, drug makers found new ways to get around the law by making slight
changes to a chemical or molecule in the compound. It is no longer illegal because
it is a different substance, thus creating a continual battle.
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The doses vary considerably. There is no consistency in how these drugs are
manufactured. Testing found some packages contained 17 milligrams, others
contained 2,000 of MDPV. This explains why one person may have a mild reaction
to the drug while another would end up psychotic.
Bath salts can be swallowed, snorted, smoked, or injected. Common effects are
teeth grinding, jerking eye movements, profuse sweating, high blood pressure,
high body temperature, dangerously high heart rate, anorexia, diminished thirst,
paranoia, hallucinations, and significant violent outbursts. Seizures are common
as well as self-injurious behaviors, suicidal thoughts and acts, and deaths. With
seemingly superhuman strength, people high on the drug have a tendency to tear
off their clothes, in an attempt to tear off their body parts.
Often high doses of common sedatives don't help them. Doctors turn to
antipsychotic or other powerful medications to treat people. The concern is that
bath salts don’t wear off like cocaine or methamphetamine. Some patients are in
the hospital from 5 to 14 days. They’re under heavy sedation and when it tapers
off the paranoia and delusions return.
Taking bath salts is similar to taking amphetamine and cocaine together except
MDPV is 10 times stronger than cocaine. Dopamine, a natural neurotransmitter in
the brain, is involved in the experience of pleasure. Chocolate, sex, the buzz of a
phone in a pocket, all cause a rush of dopamine from one cell to another in the
brain's reward center. Then the dopamine goes back into the cell in a process
called reuptake. It's the constant release and retreat of this chemical that causes
feelings of pleasure and a sense of well-being.
MDPV causes and excessive secretion of dopamine while blocking its reuptake at
the same time. The brain becomes flooded with the dopamine and in all the areas
where it is important, such as memory, learning, motivation and motor control,
there is too much, and it wreaks havoc on these areas. This is why people who
abuse the drug feel the effects for several days.
Dickie Sanders was a happy 21 year old who snorted bath salts only once. It led
to five days of insomnia, waves of terror and frightening delusions, including one
where he saw 25 police cars outside his home and slit his throat with a butcher
knife. He was taken to the hospital for stitches and the hallucinations stopped. He
told his stepmother that he would never try anything again.
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The paranoia flared up again at home and Dickie’s father lay in bed with him with
his arms wrapped around him until he nodded off. At some point Dickie woke up,
quietly made his way downstairs and shot himself, taking his own life.
The inconsistency of synthetic drugs is most worrisome for experts. Tiny mistakes
in drug makers' laboratories can make huge differences in how the drug reacts
when it enters one’s body. Simple highs can become debilitating and little is known
about the long-term effects on the brain. MDPV is irreversible, it won't let go. No
other drug has that same feature of not allowing you to escape from it.
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18. Spring Break
Ah, Spring Break, a week when thousands of college students flock to the beaches
of the U.S. and foreign destinations for fun and sun. Sometimes these trips can turn
into a free-for-all of bad decisions and not everyone returns with just happy
memories. I always say bring back souvenirs, not STIs!
It is widely known that large quantities of alcohol are consumed on spring break
trips. Many students talk of friends who were sexually active with more than one
partner and numerous spring break destinations report an increase in sexual
assaults. The following tips will let you have fun and stay safe.
First, research your destination. If you are traveling outside the U.S. you can visit
the U.S. State Department website. It provides Consular Information Sheets for over
170 countries with pertinent information on travel and safety for each destination.
You can learn about the locations that should be avoided and what types of crimes
and scams are common for each.
Learn about the destination's laws on alcohol consumption and other activities.
Penalties for behaviors such as public drunkenness or drunk driving may be much
harsher than in the U.S. Don’t travel with small amounts of drugs or purchase drugs
at your destination. Your U.S. citizenship doesn’t prevent prosecution in a foreign
country.
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Learn about local cultural beliefs. Women should be respectful of cultural attitudes
regarding dress and behavior.
If English isn't spoken in the destination you're visiting, it's important to learn at
least a few key phrases in the local language. Learn basic salutations, how to ask
for directions, and other phrases such as “Help.”
Don’t carry a lot of cash, use credit or debit cards instead. Make photocopies of
both sides of the credit cards and the first two pages of your passport. This way
you will have all of the information if you lose them. Pack the copies in a separate
place from the originals. Leave your parents or another trusted adult your contact
information, and copies of your itinerary, passport, and credit cards.
Ladies, pack a minimal amount of jewelry. Wearing expensive pieces could make
you a target for theft, and you would be heart-broken if you lost them. When you
leave your room, important valuables and documents should be stored in your
hotel's safe deposit box.
For safety in your room, use your peep hole. Don’t open your door to anyone you
do not know. If the person states they work for the hotel, call the front desk first to
confirm this.
Use recommended shuttle services or buses to get around. Only use reputable,
licensed taxi services.
Never go out alone or leave a place with strangers, locals or fellow travelers. Stay
with friends you know and trust. Even if you meet people and they seem friendly,
they might not have the best intentions. You go to parties together, you leave
together. Don't give out personal information or tell strangers what hotel you are
staying at or where you're going. Be cautious entering closed spaces such as
elevators and stairwells by yourself. Remember, there’s safety in numbers.
Be aware of your surroundings, and trust your instincts if you don’t feel
comfortable. If you are being followed, step into a store or other safe place and
wait to see if the person has passed. Don’t be afraid to ask someone to check to
see if all is clear. Walk with and look confident. People typically do not prey on
individuals who look strong. Do not walk around with both iPod buds in your ears!
Your sense of hearing is one of your greatest defenses. Losing the sounds of your
immediate environment makes you especially vulnerable.
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If you consume alcohol, make sure you get your drinks directly from the bartender
or from a person you know and trust. Don't leave your drinks unattended. Don’t
drink to get intoxicated! It’s one thing to catch a light buzz, but when you are
wasted you lose your intuition, can become prey, or get injured. Avoid casual sex
with someone you just met and always practice safe sex.
Use sunscreen and reapply it every two hours or each time after you go into the
water. There is nothing worse than feeling sore and looking like a baked lobster!
Also drink plenty of non alcoholic beverages when you are in the sun to stay
hydrated.
This is a week that you have looked forward to for a long time. You deserve it!
Relax, watch out for one another, keep each other safe, and most importantly, have
fun!
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19. Dress Right the First Night - Pack Light!”
In recent years the airlines have been losing luggage in record numbers. I have
seen hundreds of pieces of luggage lining the walls of the baggage claim area of
an airport after flights were cancelled due to bad weather. Nothing is more
aggravating than being stranded without your toothbrush, a change of clothes, or
losing your favorite outfits! The airlines now charge for each piece of checked
luggage to compensate for lost revenue. Packing light has suddenly become an
economic issue. To start your trip off hassle free, you can take preventive
measures against losing your personal items and save money by packing light
and using carry - on luggage. As an avid and experienced traveler, I have not
checked luggage in years. I travel for 3 weeks using only carry - on luggage. Here
are some simple tips:
You are permitted to carry on one piece of luggage that can be placed in the
overhead compartment and a personal item that can be stowed under the seat.
The airlines vary slightly in the allowable dimensions of the suitcase. The average
dimension is 24 inches by 16 inches by 10 inches. Some airlines approve smaller
bags. Check on their website for the exact size.
When packing your clothes place them as flat as you can. I fold tops horizontally
in half. If you are going to a warm destination you can easily pack 5 pairs of shorts
or capris, four pairs of long pants, 10 shirts, and for the girls a couple of dresses or
skirts. Mix and match the clothes you pack. You will be surprised to see how many
more outfits you are able to put together. Line the empty spaces on the sides of
your suitcases with socks, underwear, bathing suits and any other items that roll
into small bundles.
Wear and layer your bulkiest clothes and shoes on the plane. This includes
sweatshirts, sweaters, long pants, and heavier shoes.
If it’s impossible to pack all of your clothes in a carry on suitcase, you can save
money by sharing one large piece of luggage with friends. You and your traveling
companions can add additional clothing to the one larger suitcase and split the
cost of checking it.
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For the ladies, pack a minimal amount of jewelry. Don’t bring your most expensive
and favorite pieces with you. You would be heart-broken if you lost one of them.
Wear a necklace that looks good with a variety of outfits. A couple of pairs of
earrings for the week will be sufficient.
I reserve a backpack as my personal item which is placed under the seat in front
of me. I pack additional shoes, camera, a small pocketbook, books, passport, other
documents, and toiletries. Since August 2006 you are no longer able to carry on
large quantities of liquid. However you can place three ounce containers of liquids
and travel size toothpaste in a sealed one quart zip lock bag. Make sure the bag
will seal with all of the containers in it. Many pharmacies, department, and travel
stores carry a variety of three ounce containers. The containers are used for
shampoo, conditioner, sunscreen, facial cleanser and lotion. Three ounces of liquid
will last longer than you think! If you would like to pack fewer containers, pick up
sunscreen, shampoo or shaving cream at your destination, or use samples from
your motel room. Lip gloss, mascara, and deodorant are also placed in that bag.
For the guys, you can purchase a travel size shaving cream. I pack my toothbrush,
eye shadow, pencil eye liner, and razor in a separate toiletry bag.
It is essential to make photo copies of your passport and each credit card that you
are taking on the trip. If you lose your passport or a credit card while you are
traveling you have all of the information on the photocopies. Make sure you
photocopy both sides of the credit card and the first two pages of the passport.
Pack them in a separate place from the originals. I usually place the photocopies
in a discreet pocket in my suitcase.
The majority of travelers pack more clothing for a trip than they need. These simple
light packing tips will make it easier to move from one location to another. Instead
of hassling with the airlines to find your lost luggage you will be able to focus on
having fun and getting the break that you so deserve!
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20. Rethinking the Needs of Today’s College Students
The face of the traditional college student has changed dramatically over the past
few years. Often we think of 18 to 22 year olds who are entering out of high school,
as the majority of students who are seeking a degree in higher education. The nontraditional students are now outnumbering them. Only one third of college
students today are 18 to 21 year old full time attendees, while 40 percent are older
than 25. Many come from more diverse socioeconomic backgrounds and their
enrollment rate is expected to grow faster than that of the traditional students
within the next five years.
With the change in the global economy and the great recession of 2008 many
people have to look towards a new career. This forced older adults to go back to
college.
Most non-traditional students have work and family obligations. The model of
higher education today is more appropriate for the students of a generation ago,
and it is presenting challenges to the majority of today’s students. Addressing the
needs of the non-traditional student will help to increase our country’s low
graduation rate. A recent study by the Georgetown University Center on Education
and Workforce found that by the year 2020, 65 percent of jobs will require workers
with at least some college education.
The cost of tuition is a major concern in this era of decreasing public funding for
higher education. Education has always been considered to be the great equalizer
in this country. Non-traditional students are twice as likely to be low-income as
traditional students. It’s important to provide greater opportunities to minority
youth, especially those who are from a lower socioeconomic status. Helping them
move forward through their educational process serves our broader society as a
whole.
These students need greater access to financial advisors, greater access to
financial aid, and the ability to earn credits from outside the campus environment.
It is also important to provide effective academic counseling and other support
services to help them complete their course work in a timely manner. Solutions
include online and distance learning opportunities, providing credit for prior work
experience, and allowing access to those who hold a GED.
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Women comprise the majority of college students - 57 percent. They also make up
the majority of non-traditional students who are parents – 71 percent and 43
percent of those are single parents. More than twenty five percent of students are
raising children. Female college students of color are more likely than other
college students to have dependent children and nearly half of all African
American women in college are mothers. This means that they are juggling
parenting, school, and work.
While it is extremely expensive, child care is imperative to help students who have
children. One challenge for these students is that campus-based child care is on a
decline, and most dramatically at community colleges where 45 percent of the
students with children are enrolled. Presently less than half offer day care. Greater
access to child care would help students with children complete college and
achieve lasting economic security.
A student parent experiences high levels of unmet financial need, lower levels of
college completion, and high levels of post - graduation debt. Sixty-one percent of
student parents have no money to contribute to college expenses. Among single
students with children, 88 percent are low income. A student mothers’ average
undergraduate debt one year after graduation is approximately $3,800 more than
female students with no children, and almost $5,000 more than male students with
no children.
Child care, which is essential for allowing a parent to attend school or study, can
be prohibitively expensive, and eligibility requirements can make it difficult for
college students to access the limited number of federally-funded child care
subsidies.
Policy makers and leaders in higher education must make changes to serve the
needs of non-traditional students. If they neglect to do so, we will fail in our
responsibility to produce educated citizens and a workforce that is competitive in
our global economy. That could have profoundly negative implications for our
nation.
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21. Homecoming 101: Maintaining Healthy Family
Relationships
Wow, this year went fast! Summer break is just around the corner. As you return
home it’s a good time to think about the changing relationship with your family. On
your very first day of school, your parents said goodbye to you with a huge lump
in their throats after they moved you in. Although they missed you, they have
grown accustomed to the routine of having one less person in the home. You may
find that after a few days of returning home, tension can develop between you.
You’ve been independent and developed a different lifestyle away from home.
Your parents still view you as their child and may get on your case. It’s not like a
faucet that they can turn off; they have been parenting for years! This can present
challenges for both of you. This is a time when you need to be patient with one
another as you reestablish your relationship.
The most common dispute is the day to day schedule. Let’s face it our bodies are
on different clocks. Teens and young adults secrete melatonin, a naturally
occurring chemical that makes us sleepy, two hours later than adults. You go to
bed and wake up much later than your parents.
As the mom of two sons, I experienced the quiet that descended upon our home
after they left for college. When my eldest son Evan came home after his freshman
year, he was cooking, or should I say, burning eggs at 2 AM every night. We had
to get up at 6:00 to get his brother off to high school and then go to work. We were
exhausted! Be considerate. The schedule that you maintain at college may not
blend well with your parents. Try to make an adjustment in your schedule or be
extra quiet as you move about.
You might be going out as they are going to bed. They may question this with
disapproval and concern for your safety. It’s an issue of control on their part and it
is a normal reaction for them. They love you and instinctively want to protect you
and keep you safe. You have to remind them that this is how you have lived for the
past nine months, and you are productive and healthy in spite of those late hours.
They will be more willing to change their style of parenting and accept this if you
communicate honestly and respectfully with them.
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Resentment and tension can build as your parents ask you to help with chores
around the house. Talk to them and negotiate a reasonable compromise that
works for both of you. Do chip in! You are still a productive member of that
household and contributing would be appreciated. It is the right thing to do. Many
students discover a higher level of gratitude for their families after they leave home
and are more willing to help out.
There could also be a push and pull as your parents want to spend a lot of time
with you and you’d rather go out with your friends. Again, communicate to find a
compromise that works for everyone. Be sensitive to the fact that they love you
and enjoy your company.
I have spoken to students who return home and find they do not relate to their old
high school friends. These relationships were the foundation of your childhood and
growth, but you and your friends changed as you developed separate lives. It can
be challenging as you interact differently and discover that you do not have as
much in common. Often the old drama that you experienced as a group, falls right
back into place. Many lose their tolerance for this. Understand, and accept the
changes. You may find common ground or learn that these relationships no longer
work. On the positive side you may find that you now relate to someone who you
would not have considered talking to in high school. Many of those social barriers
tend to break down as we mature.
Embrace the comfort of home, family and old friends as you decompress from this
year and rejuvenate for the next. Finding a job or volunteering will help you will
feel productive and energized. Try to understand where your parents are coming
from. Be patient, and communicate openly so you can enjoy each other and your
time at home. Most importantly, have a fun summer!
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II. Prescription for
Success in College
and Life Beyond
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22. All Tweet No Meet
Did you ever walk down the street or sit in a public
place and notice how many people are looking
down at their smart phones? I spend a lot of time in
New York, a city rich in varied architecture,
interesting people, and fun sites. It’s remarkable how
people are missing out on the things that surround
them, or just bump into one another.
I’ve seen groups of students sitting together in a
restaurant looking at their smart phones; none are
conversing. In a world of ever-increasing technology it is easy to get addicted to
the easy access of information that is in the palm of our hands and to escape social
interaction around us.
I am not discounting the power of the internet and its ability to network people
globally, but we are slowly losing our skills to connect with people who are sitting
right next to us. A 1980 study found that college students spent 53% of their time
interacting face to face as oppose to 24% in 2006. I am sure the numbers are much
lower now.
When people are immersed in their devices, they are losing the opportunity to
make valuable connections from casual conversations. Some of my greatest
friendships and opportunities have developed from people that I met in public
while striking up a casual conversation.
While standing on the airport security line in the Charlotte Airport, I turned to the
man behind me and said, "This gets really old after a while." As we talked, I learned
that he was the last passenger to exit the plane that landed on the Hudson River
in 2010. Dave Sanderson was beginning a speaking career on leadership based
on this experience. I offered to help mentor him to find work on the college circuit.
We are now good friends, his career has taken off, and he is helping me make
connections in the corporate market. This never would have happened without that
quick conversation in the airport.
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A must-read book titled The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How
to make the Most of Them Now, by Meg Jay PHD, addresses life-changing
connections. In one chapter Dr. Jay writes about weak ties. We tend to gain our
greatest opportunities from more casual relationships, or “weak connections,” not
from within our own circle of friends. The person sitting next to you could be an
incredible resource, but you may never gain that opportunity if you are immersed
in your smart phone.
Recently I asked campus administrators to share their observations of the changes
they have seen in today's students due to the increase in smart phone use. Some
feel that they are lacking empathy as they text more. Students are not seeing the
expression on people's faces and miss subtle nuances when they do not hear the
tone in their voices.
One professor stated as he approached his classroom on the first day of this
semester, all of his students were standing in the hall looking down at their devices.
Not one was talking with another. This same professor said that he is observing a
decline in critical thinking because students are not reading the same literature as
they once did in the past. Most of their information is coming from the Internet.
Another administrator said that her students now expect immediate responses to
their emails. With the speed of the internet people want things right away. She has
observed that the students do not read her emails thoroughly because they are
used to one-liners from social networking, hence they overlook important
information. Many students struggle to solve their own problems as they are
tethered to their parents through their devices.
Some students have told me that their social skills have declined and they
consume more alcohol. When one uses alcohol as a social lubricant, it interferes
with the ability to develop long-term social skills. A female student stated that she
believes that the hookup culture is perpetrated by smart devices. Many are not
developing the skills to communicate in an intimate setting. Others experience
anxiety and the fear of missing out as they read their friends posts on social
networking sites.
I am not advocating getting rid of these devices…believe me I love my IPhone, but
I think we should find balance. Try to take a break and do things a little differently.
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You may discover that it can be efficient to pick up the phone to make plans. You
gain a lot more information and have more flexibility in a one minute conversation
than you do going back and forth while texting.
Set aside some time during the day where you put your smart phone down.
Unplug…take things in and embrace the people around you. There’s a lot to
discover!
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23. Timing is Everything
Time management is one of the greatest challenges for today's college students.
For new students, you are wrestling with the intoxication of your new-found
freedom. For all students, you are juggling your class time with studying, papers,
activities, as well as your social life.
How can you make the most out of your day so you can be efficient and perform
to the best of your ability? A lot of research has been conducted on the natural
rhythm of the body and how we perform certain tasks more effectively at different
times of the day. Paying close attention to your body's clock can make a difference
in what you can accomplish, which will ultimately lead to success in college and
in your life beyond.
Scheduling tasks according to your body's rhythm can have a positive effect on
your health. Disruptions in the circadian rhythm of waking and sleeping can
increase depression, obesity and diabetes. It is best to try to go to bed and wake
up at the same time each day. Now I know that is not likely to happen on
weekends, but maybe you can strive for that on weekdays.
These rhythms can actually be seen in social networking. Emails sent earlier in the
day are more often read because people check them first thing in the morning.
People who use Twitter tend to write more upbeat tweets in the morning because
sleep is refreshing, leaving us alert and more enthusiastic. If you want your tweets
to be retweeted, post them between 3:00 and 6:00 each day when people lack
the creative energy to post their own. More emotional tweets are posted at night
when people are free of the stresses from the day.
High energy and clarity occurs earlier in the morning, unless you are a night
person. This is a better time to engage in those difficult or emotional conversations.
As the body temperature rises through the morning, your cognitive skills improve.
Taking a warm shower can actually jump-start this process. Working memory,
alertness and concentration tend to increase in the late morning and it improves
through midday. If you do not have a class at this time, it would be productive to
set aside this block for studying or writing papers.
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Alertness tends to decline after a meal, so it may be wise to tackle those more
challenging mental tasks before you eat. By mid-afternoon it all unravels. Have
you noticed that you are fighting off sleepiness around 2:00? (I am writing this at
1:50 and my eyelids are getting heavy!) That is when sleepiness peaks for most
people. Closing your eyes for 15 minutes can refresh and reenergize you.
Eye-hand coordination tends to peak at 4:00. Tasks involving physical activity are
best performed at this time of day. Physical performance is best, with the least risk
of injury between 3:00 and 6:00 PM and the lungs are more efficient at 5:00. The
joints and muscles are more flexible in the evening, so late afternoon is a fantastic
time to head over to the recreation center for that workout.
So what is the evening good for? As we tire and the mind relaxes, we lower our
inhibition and the creative thinking comes flooding in. Our minds are more open to
offbeat ideas and solutions. I have found that the most profound solutions to my
challenges come flooding in during this time of the day.
Our body rhythms can vary. Some people are night owls. They just love to stay up
late, performing their best during the wee hours of the night and sleeping late.
What is your natural rhythm? Pay attention to your body and structure your day
accordingly. You will be glad you did!
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24. Tips for Success
A colleague of mine from the University of Maryland often posts interesting and
relevant articles for college students. I recently read one of his posts where
billionaires shared their personal tips for success. Although most of us will never
reach that financial status, I wanted to share these tips with you. Many will provide
you the skills and confidence as you move forward in life and business. This is the
first of a two-part article.
Invest in yourself: Never stop working on self-development. Read, exercise, take
classes, and learn new things. It's important to keep striving to be a better person.
Be curious about everything: Always keep learning and looking at the simple
things around you. Sometimes the most innovative business practices have come
from solutions that were developed to tackle mundane tasks or simple things that
we use in day to day life.
Surround yourself with better people: We tend to perform or act like the people
we surround ourselves with. Are your friends partying most of the time, or are they
focused on success, coming up with creative ideas, and moving forward in life?
Never eat alone: Are you addicted to getting most of your information from the
Internet, blogs, or newspapers? Some of the most successful people get their
innovation from other successful people. There is nothing like sitting down,
breaking bread, and exchanging ideas. You never know what you will come up
with collectively. Never be afraid to ask to dine with successful people who have
been in business for years. Most love to mentor.
Take responsibility for your losses: Instead of trying to cover up, admit that you
made a mistake and take responsibility for it. Those who are successful, openly
admit it, strive to correct their mistakes, and continue to move forward. Failure is
an important part of success. Think of it as an opportunity to learn.
Understand your strengths and weakness: Many successful people admit that
they have strength in a few areas and are average in most. What sets them aside
from others is that they do not try to do everything themselves. They surround
themselves by others who have the expertise in specific areas and tap into their
talent or expertise.
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Don't take a complete day off: While I believe in replenishing your body and soul,
you want to treat your business like your baby. Even while you are "playing" you
can think, discuss, strategize, and plan. Some of our most creative and innovative
ideas come to us while we are relaxed.
Focus on experiences rather than material possessions: Contrary to popular
belief, most wealthy people focus their spending on experiences. I am not by any
means wealthy, but I have worked hard. I do not enjoy shopping for more
possessions; I rather spend my money on travel, going to concerts, shows, or
special events. These experiences build memories, character, and enlighten us.
Take risks: The most successful people are those who are willing to take enormous
risks. Those who play it safe miss out on opportunities to move ahead. It doesn't
mean that you have to take huge financial risks, but you want to be able to move
outside of your comfort zone. It can be as simple as reaching out to someone who
you might never dream of connecting with, or acting upon an idea that others think
are a recipe for failure. I once met Mark Burnett, the producer of Survivor and other
reality TV shows at a party in LA. He said to me that most people told to him that
a reality show like Survivor would never fly. He blocked the negative voices from
his head, believed in himself, and continued to push forward. Today he is one of
the most successful television producers in Hollywood.
Don't go it alone: The most successful people surround themselves with a dream
team of experts in specific areas. As in tip number two, surround yourself with
positive, confident people who dream big. Take advantage of your collective ideas
and energy and keep moving forward. Life is too short to throw away valuable
opportunities.
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25. More Tips for Success
In last article I shared tips for success that were provided by billionaires. As I stated,
most of us will not attain that level of financial success but these tips can help you
find notable success in your professional and ultimately your personal life. I felt
that these remaining tips made it worth writing a two-part series.
Recognize the Value of Simple Ideas
Many successful people have built their businesses on ideas that were quite
simple. Think about things that we all like to do. Believe in the idea and simplify it
to bring more value to profit. From there you can move forward to develop it.
Be Patiently Impatient
Nothing happens overnight, it can take decades to become successful. While you
should exercise patience for long-term goals, it is important to be diligent and
attend to your short-term goals. Being nimble and having the ability to deliver
faster than your competitors often makes the difference between success and
failure.
Be Gritty
Successful people are often described as tenacious and relentless. Don't let
obstacles or failures interfere with achieving your goals. Learn from these
experiences and keep moving forward. I never take no for an answer. There have
been plenty of times when a door has been closed in my face, but I never gave up.
Another door opened and eventually I achieved my goal. While we often place an
emphasis on having a stomach for failure, it is more important to have the strength
to face what feels like an incredible amount of resistance and keep moving
forward.
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Develop Great Oratory Skills
As a public speaker I can't emphasize this enough! If you can’t articulate your ideas
and your vision in a compelling and succinct way, it will be difficult galvanize the
support to make things happen. Think elevator pitch. You don't want to drag out
your thoughts and put others to sleep. The challenge is saying more with fewer
words. The more effectively you speak, the greater your chances are for career
success.
Grow Thick, Armor-Plated Skin
As you climb higher, you will encounter a greater number of detractors, and their
attacks might be sharper. This is when you need to develop a layer of emotional
resilience. It is easy to focus on the negative remarks that are coming your way that's human nature! I have learned to block those voices and stayed focused on
the positive. Never let negative comments distract you from your goals. Don't
invest energy in in that poison, believe in yourself, and always know who you are.
Over-Communicate Your Message
Speak often. Don’t make people guess or assume what you are thinking, make
sure others understand your message precisely. Your format should be the same.
Begin by telling people what you are going to tell them, then give them the concise
details, and then summarize what they just heard. In a noisy landscape, repetition
is necessary.
Learn to Laugh at Yourself
Having a sense of humor about things can make life a lot easier. There's scientific
evidence that shows that being able to laugh at yourself may be a sign of an
optimistic personality and it may even improve your mood. Humor has been
identified as a possible factor in the development of personal resilience.
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First Be Great at One Thing
By focusing on one passion or strength, you can actually be more innovative.
When you develop a deeper understanding by doing one thing, it opens up
creative new ideas. Ironically, limiting yourself to one thing can lead to liberation.
Value Integrity
Those who value integrity strive to have a positive effect on people, and tend to
find overall success in their professional and personal lives. Develop relationships
with mentors who can provide wisdom and guidance for making tough decisions
and solving problems. Most importantly, set high ethical standards for yourself and
for your organization. People want to support and conduct business with others
who are doing the right thing.
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26. Tips for a Successful Job Interview
I fly a lot. Being the people-person that I am, I talk to everyone and meet a lot of
interesting people along the way. On a flight from Tampa to Philly I sat next to a
friendly man named Ray. Ray owns three answering service businesses and spent
two years participating in a two year training program called Advanced
Interpersonal Management Skills.
Ray has interviewed hundreds of individuals and knows what works and what
doesn’t. Over the years he has observed a decline in interviewing skills and offered
to share his expertise. With graduation approaching, keep these valuable tips in
mind to help you successfully interview for a job or internship.
Think of an interview as an opportunity to build a friendship, not to qualify for a
job. You are convincing an employer to like you enough to hire you. People want
to surround themselves with coworkers that they like.
Research the company ahead of time. You want to make sure that this position is
a good fit for both of you. The employer wants this to be a win-win situation.
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The best predictor of future performance is past performance. Prepare a resume
that makes you stand out. An employer looks for prior employment or life
experience that indicates stability. Make sure the resume is neat and free of
grammatical errors.
Show up on time! You will not make a favorable impression if you show up late.
You will be frazzled and won’t interview as well. Dress neatly and appropriately.
RELAX! SMILE! Don’t look scared but look confident. View this as an opportunity,
not a requirement, and enjoy the interview. Our brains are hard-wired to receive
smiles. When you smile, it triggers an area in the other person’s brain that causes
them to secrete the feel-good chemicals.
Shake hands as soon as you come into the room. You want the handshake to be
warm and friendly. It should not be a contest to see who is stronger by crushing
fingers and you do not want to shake hands like a wet noodle. View the handshake
as a bridge to building rapport.
One of the most common mistakes that people make is not carrying on a
conversation with the interviewer. Many graduates provide short answers. The
employer wants to find out what type of personality you have through a more
conversational dialogue. Some people try to hide that. Make eye contact. You
don’t want to stare them down but you want them to feel comfortable with you.
Be prepared to talk about you; what are your successes, what do you like to do in
your spare time, what excites you, what was your favorite class in college and
why?
Be a good listener so you can ask appropriate questions. You want this to be a two
way conversation. Reflect back on something the employer said and ask questions
like, “Did I get this right?” or “Did I understand you correctly?’
Be prepared to talk about past performance emphasizing reliability and
punctuality. Talk about how you never showed up late and how you did not call
out sick frequently. Be ready to have an employer check on your past references.
If you have something negative from the past, tell the employer up front. It will be
less traumatic to them. Ray shared a story of a woman who was forthright in her
interview, stating that she had been caught stealing. She was a single mom who
was destitute at the time.
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Ray had a good feeling about her honesty and hired her in spite of that black mark.
At the time that I met him he was going to meet with her to give her the news that
she was promoted to supervisor. Some people respect the honesty and will give
you a chance.
Do not talk negatively about your past employer. You don’t want to give a
perspective employer the impression that you could be trashing them at a future
date.
Lastly, clean up your Instagram, Facebook page and other social media sites. In
spite of privacy settings employers have their tricks and can access your
information. Presently 75% of future employers check the person’s social media
before they call them in for an interview. Many students have shown up at
interviews and employers have asked them “Why should I hire you when I have
photos of you that reveal bad choices?” Present yourself in a way that will make
people feel confident that you are the best person for the job. Treat your social
media like it’s your resume. Rule of thumb, if you don’t want your parents to see it,
you should not post it.
Don’t be discouraged if you are not hired right away. Keep trying. Think of each
interview as a practice session. You will gain more confidence and your skills will
improve over time.
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27. Body Language Says it All
As we prepare to venture out into the work world, we are given tons of advice on
how to prepare for a job interview. Many leave out the importance of body
language on first impressions. Our bodies do have a language of their own, and it
may not be pretty. This language is a part of who we are, but it is not always
something we think about. A lack of awareness of our body language can harm
future opportunities.
TalentSmart has tested more than a million people and found that the upper ranks
(90%) of top performance are filled with people who are high in emotional
intelligence. These people have an awareness of the power that unspoken signals
have in communication and they monitor their own body language accordingly.
Here is a list of the 10 most common body language mistakes that people make,
and emotionally intelligent people try to avoid. This not only pertains to job
interviews but it is important to consider when you are giving a presentation in
class or in your day to day interactions with others.
Avoiding Eye Contact
When you don’t look someone in the eyes, it can signal a lack of respect,
deception, or a lack of confidence. You don’t want to engage in a staring contest
and make the other person feel uncomfortable, but you want to send the message
that you are engaged with them.
Slouching
Bad posture gives the impression that you lack confidence and have poor selfesteem, or low energy levels. Experts on posture say that you should imagine a
string going in a straight line from the top of your head, down to your hips. The
head should not be forward and down but aligned with the hips. Your shoulders
should be back. Not only does it look better but adopting better posture will make
you feel better.
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Weak Handshake
A handshake that is limp signals a lack of authority and confidence. It should be
firm but not to the point where you are breaking the other person’s fingers or
making them feel physically uncomfortable. I recently met a woman who dug her
thumb deeply into the back of my hand. It really hurt and left a lasting negative
impression on me. The handshake is often the first line of non-verbal contact. It is
important to make that first good impression.
Folding Arms
This stance creates a sense of being closed off and may signal to others that you
are not interested in them or don’t buy into what they are saying. It might also
signal that you feel you are on a superior level to the other person.
Looking Down
When I speak in front of an audience I make sure I make contact with each person
in the room. I want to them to know that I am with them and I want them to be with
me. Eye contact establishes a connection. If you are looking down while you are
giving a presentation or when making a point, it loses most of its power. You look
weak. In everyday interactions, it can make you look uncomfortable or selfconscious. Once again, it comes down to establishing good eye-contact.
Angling Body Away From Others
Do you ever see someone whose feet are firmly planted on the ground but their
upper body is leaning back or away from the other individual? Too much physical
distance, angling the body away from the person you are conversing with, or not
leaning in to talk shows that you are uncomfortable, distrustful, or disinterested in
the subject or the person.
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Fidgeting and Touching Hair
Fidgeting and playing with hair or clothes can reveal an excess of anxiety or
energy. This can make you look uncomfortable, insecure, and anxious. Keep your
hands in a relaxed position on your lap when not sitting at a table. If you are
standing, you can move your hands in an easy, natural movement or position your
arms comfortably by your side.
Invading Others’ Space
When you stand closer than one and a half feet away from someone or you treat
their possessions or space as if it were your own, it signals disrespect. It also
reflects that you are lacking a clear understanding of personal boundaries.
Glancing At the Clock or Cellphone
Glancing at the clock, cell phone, your watch, or even looking past a person who
you’re speaking with will communicate disinterest or arrogance. Many people
place their cell phones on the table, which can signal that you are waiting for
something more important to happen. Tuck it away out of sight, things can wait.
Give your undivided attention.
Frowning or Scowling
Scowls and frowns can often be unintentional and unconscious. They can
communicate unhappiness and disagreement. When you are meeting with
someone, especially for an interview, keep your facial expressions in check. You
don’t want to wear your heart on your sleeve; maintain your poker face!
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28. Internet Safety
At 10 PM one Saturday evening a friend received a phone call from her son who is
attending college in NYC. He was worried. He responded to an ad on Craig’s List
to clean an apartment that was posted by a guy who lived in the Bronx. After
receiving no response, he saw subsequent postings by the same guy and realized
he was trying to lure young women into his apartment.
He set up a fake email and sent the guy a response to the ad saying that he was
an 18 year old female student from Columbia University. He included his real cell
phone number! The guy immediately left three messages and texted once. My
friends’ son was concerned for young women, so he posted a warning on Craig’s
List. The guy texted a half hour later accusing him of posting the warning. Despite
his denials the guy texted, “See what happens now, I have your number.”
At 1 AM my friend’s son called again. He was suddenly receiving an onslaught of
photos of naked guys, phone calls, and texts. In revenge the guy from the Bronx
posted an ad on a free sex chat line using my friend’s son’s cell phone number,
saying that it was an 18 year old girl!
My friend sprung into action and researched all of the information that could be
gained by her son posting his phone number. He has his own business and
website. A Google search of his cell phone number brought up his resume, which
had her home address as well. A GPS program on the phone brought you right to
his apartment on a map in Manhattan.
She contacted their cell phone carrier at 1:45 AM. Yes they are available! The
customer service representative spelled out options that they could consider.
Reluctant to change his number because of his business they opted to block all
incoming calls that were not in his contact data base on his phone. That put an end
to the calls.
Her son learned a valuable lesson. Never try to be a vigilante and take on people
like this by yourself. Call the police or contact Craig’s List and let them deal with
the offending party. You don’t want to anger people that you meet through the
internet! There’s too much personal information that people have access to and
they can be creative in their revenge, especially when their identity is not known.
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Only give your cell phone number out to people that you know and trust. Having
location “On” on your cell phone allows anyone to view your GPS location. You
can switch it to E911 so only emergency personnel will have access.
Many law enforcement departments do not provide the training nor the funding to
educate their officers about Internet crime but they can act on your behalf. With
assistance, offensive emails and logs can be traced to the persons’ Internet Service
Provider. The police can subpoena the ISP to release the offending persons
identifying information and press charges of harassment or stalking, depending on
the situation and jurisdiction. With texting, phone numbers can be traced.
It is crucial to follow your instincts and react if something feels wrong. If someone
is stalking or harassing you, report it immediately. Do not be embarrassed by the
fact that you were placed in this situation. Your silence will only give the stalker
more power.
Be careful if you meet someone who you only "know" through text messaging, or
calling in response to an ad. A person could sound okay but that does not make it
safer. You really can’t be certain who you are communicating with. They might not
be telling you the truth about themselves.
When meeting up with someone that you have met on the internet insist on meeting
in daylight at a public place like a café; never meet in a secluded location. Always
have a friend accompany you and take your cell phone with you. Tell other friends
or family members where you are going before-hand. Too often younger women
have been stalked by older men who identify as being much younger in their online
conversations.
Do not invite strangers into your home if you are alone. If you are selling something
or are interviewing a potential roommate, invite other friends to be there for
precautionary measure. Be very careful when you are buying or selling items of a
high value.
Learn to block your cell phone number. Your phone carrier can issue a new number
and place your old one in quarantine. Once the harassment ends they can issue
your old number again.
Remember, people are not always what they seem online. Be cautious, use your
common sense, and remain safe!
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29. Are You Ready to Vote?
If you compare the voter turnout of 169 countries, the United States has an abysmal
record. We are 120th. Only 53.6% of the voting population showed up for the 2012
election.36 This means that 46.4% of our voting population is not exercising their
right to democracy. That’s almost half!
Democracy is one of our greatest gifts, yet it is often taken for granted. Many
Americans do not exercise their right to vote. Since 1972 the voter turnout for a
presidential election has averaged between 50 and 55 percent and it is much
lower for midterm elections. Ultimately a minority of our population chooses who
maps the course of our public policy. How often do you hear people complain
about the state of affairs in their home town, state, or in our country, but they never
take the time to vote?
People are tuning out because they are disgusted with the election process. I know
I am. Let's face it; it’s really ugly out there. It's even getting ugly on Facebook. I try
to shy away from political posts, but just once I had to respond to a statement on
Health Care that was posted by a childhood friend. That night my neighbor started
debating with him over their differences and my childhood friend unfriended me! I
was blissfully singing in my living room with a group of friends, unaware that all
hell was breaking loose on my Facebook wall!
Many do not take the privilege of voting as seriously as they should, and they base
their votes on television's 30 second sound bites. During the 2008 presidential
primary I asked a friend who he was voting for. He replied, "Obama." I asked him,
"Why?" and he simply said "Change." I said, "Is that all?" He replied, "Yes, change."
"Change" was the basic platform Obama ran on. My friend did not consider his
prior experience or voting record. Across the aisle people were casting their votes
for Bush because, "I could drink a beer with him." I've drunk beers with some fun
people, but that does not mean that they were qualified to run this country!
Based on the recent Supreme Court ruling Political Action Committees can run ads
without disclosing who is funding the spot and ultimately controlling the message.
Very wealthy individuals are contributing large sums for their personal gain. We
have seen an onslaught of negative ads much earlier in the election cycle, mostly
coming from these 527s backed by mysterious donors. Often donors cross state
lines to influence the outcome for their party in another states’ political process.
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When an ad is actually sponsored by a candidate, he or she smears their
opponents’ reputation rather than telling us how they intend to improve our quality
of life.
How much do you truly know about the candidates? We each have the
responsibility to filter out the 30 second sound bites and put more energy and time
into our vote. Let's face it - the candidates are trying their best to influence your
vote in seconds because television is the most popular campaign medium. A lot of
money and psychological analysis goes into this process.
Research as much as you can by seeking out non-biased sources. We now see
news networks and publications that clearly lean to the left or right. Candidates,
their advisors, and political pundits often distort the truth or eliminate important
facts as they try to garner votes for their side. Factcheck.org is one of the most
reliable sources of the truth. Don't take everything you hear or read at face value,
spend a little time to research the facts.
Don't be afraid to cross party lines, vote for the person you truly believe will do
their best to move us forward. Most importantly vote in every election, even in the
primaries. What happens on a local and state level is as equally important.
Look at it this way, when you apply for a job, your prospective employer spends a
fair amount of time researching your past, and interviewing you. I think you would
be blown away if he or she only considered you for 30 seconds. We are hiring
someone for one of the most important jobs in this country. Let's be the best
employers and do our homework so we feel confident knowing we hired the right
person for the job. It is our responsibility.
Remember - Get Out the Vote!
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III. Wisdom
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30. Do the Right Thing
Did you ever find yourself in a situation where you did something that caused harm
to another person’s property and you had two choices - walk away with no
consequences, or stay and make things right?
I was doubled parked outside my son’s apartment on 26th St. in New York City as
I was waiting for him to bring something down to the car. A garbage truck was
coming up behind me and I tried to move over to give him extra room to pass. I
suddenly heard a very loud crunch! In the process of moving, my side view mirror
clipped the mirror of a car that was parked next to me, knocking it off. It was
hanging by its’ cable.
Needless to say I was angry with myself and felt badly that I damaged someone’s
car. An older gentleman witnessed my mishap and crossed the street as I got out
of my car. In typical New York fashion he said, “It’s New Yawk! There’s not much
you can do, you might as well leave it!” My son came down at the same moment
and said, “Mom you can’t do that!” (There are days when we question whether we
raised our kids right, this was an affirmative day!)
Different scenarios were playing in my head. I could walk away and save a lot of
money, but I knew I would feel guilty. Or I could leave a note on the windshield
with my phone number, offering to cover the cost. I have street smarts. I grew up
right outside of Manhattan. I knew this could put me in a vulnerable situation.
Anyone walking by could take that note and rip me off. In spite of those
reservations I had to do the right thing and trust that this would work out. I honestly
felt nervous as I placed the note under the windshield wiper with my apologies and
phone number.
The next day Eddie from the Bronx called stating that it was his car. I verified it by
confirming his license plate number and by asking him to identify the object
hanging on the review mirror. We actually talked for quite a while. I said to him,
“You must have been really mad when you saw it,” He told me that he initially let
out a few curse words, but felt good when he saw my note. While his friend drove
them home, he shopped on Ebay and immediately ordered the mirror. He planned
to install it himself. It only cost me $63.00!
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This experience was so heartwarming. Eddie could have taken advantage of me
and walked away with a lot more money. I guess my honesty compelled him to do
the right thing. We both followed our conscience and felt good in the end!
I also know what it is like to be on the receiving end. Upon returning to my car on
the top deck of the parking garage at Philadelphia Airport, I discovered a note on
the windshield from the man parked next to me. With a gust of wind, his door flew
open into mine. He had the integrity to offer to take care of the scratch. Once again
it was heartwarming to see someone who was honest. It puts faith in your fellow
man.
We are presented with many temptations, as well as the opportunity to do the right
thing. Whether we find a smart phone that we would love to own, or find a wallet
containing money and credit cards. How many times have you heard of a person
hitting a parked car and running off, leaving the financial burden on its owner? It is
always best to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, follow our conscience,
and help each other out.
Doing the right thing can be as simple as going out of our way to pick up an item
that someone dropped, to holding a door open for someone, to saying “Thank you”
when someone is considerate enough to hold the door for you. We can do our best
to find the owner of a lost item. Gone are common courtesies like giving up a seat
on a bus or a train for an elderly person or a pregnant woman. It’s time to bring
them back!
We are constantly confronted with choices, but deep down inside we all have the
integrity to know what is right. Stepping up with responsibility makes us to feel
good about ourselves and allows us to sleep at night with a clear conscience. We
should each set a goal to achieve one act of kindness every day. Through our
cooperative actions we can create a kinder and gentler community to live in.
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31. Perspective and Gratitude: Lessons Learned from
Sandy
On October 29 Superstorm Sandy came barreling towards the Middle Atlantic
region. For days the computer models predicted the storm would take an
unprecedented hard left off of the New Jersey coastline and impact the most
densely populated area of the country. So, what made things different this time
around? Two systems joined as one, and as it made landfall the winds shifted
around, at high tide, during a full moon, and brought tidal surges never seen along
the Jersey coastline and into the New York Harbor.
I live thirty three miles north of Philadelphia, just north of where the eye of the
storm made landfall. The storm traveled across New Jersey and into Pennsylvania.
At 7:30 PM our lights went out and power was not restored for four days. We were
well prepared and had plenty of provisions, but it was challenging to stay warm.
Most hurricanes occur during the summer months. In late October our nightly
temperatures fall into the 30’s, and the sun did not come out for one week.
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We were the lucky ones. Many of my friends were without power for two weeks.
One had her home completely washed away and lost everything. Businesses and
homes were destroyed and there was loss of life.
Life without power does interesting things to you. It slows you down, and in the
absence of electronic devices you begin to reconnect with those around you. We
ate meals with our neighbors and sat in front of each other’s fireplaces at night to
stay warm. We truly enjoyed spending this time together.
It was frustrating to not watch TV to see what was happening around my hometown
of Clark, NJ, which lies five miles from Staten Island. Many relatives and old friends
still live in that area, in New York City, or “down the shore,” as we say in Jersey.
Fortunately we were able to charge our phones in our cars. Facebook took on a
new meaning for all of us - it no longer felt like a social network but it became our
way to check in on one another, to see if everyone was safe. It was also our way
of learning of the devastation. The photos of the flooding in New York City, the
destroyed homes, businesses, the Seaside Roller Coaster sitting in the Atlantic
Ocean, and fragmented boardwalks were now being posted. Friends from Jersey
were posting about long gas lines and where one could buy gas. We even cheered
each other on as one’s power was restored.
In those four days while connecting solely through Facebook, I felt like I was
caught between two very different worlds. I was learning of the struggles and
destruction on a minute to minute basis while others were posting from a very
different perspective. There were posts from people who were pissed that their
waitress had a bad attitude. Others were posting about boring classes,
complaining that they had a cold, or that they had to get up early for work, or that
8 AM class.
It made me think about perspective and gratitude. What is really important? Can
we learn to not sweat the small stuff?
This all came full circle when I had my first conversation with my childhood friend
Susan who grew up one house away from me. She was living year round in the
barrier island town of Mantoloking, NJ. The ocean breeched and cut a new inlet
through the island, completely washing away her home. They have no idea where
her home is, there is absolutely no sign of it. She lost everything she owned. The
area where her home once stood became an iconic photo of the storm.
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The conversation was completely different than I anticipated. Susan was so
positive. She said that this experience made her realize what was important,
stating, “A friend of mine was right. We come into this world with nothing, leave
with nothing and accumulate a lot of crap along the way.”
I saw her one week later while volunteering at a church in Bay Head, NJ. The
church was providing three meals a day to its community members. Susan said to
me, “I feel lucky, I am hearing of friends who have recently been diagnosed with
cancer. I have my health.” In fact two days prior she was volunteering to help
others. What an inspiration!
So what makes some of us positive and the others not? Perspective allows us to
understand the true relationship of life’s events. When times are tough it’s
important to step back and reflect on how bad our situation could be. Take it down
to basics and have gratitude for the things that we take for granted on a day to
day basis…good health, the love and support of family and friends, food in our
belly, and shelter. It does not get better than that! In this consumer-driven society
we are constantly bombarded with messages telling us that we will be happier if
we purchase new clothes or a car. If we don’t get them we feel inadequate and it’s
easy to lose sight of those basics.
What did I personally learn to appreciate from Sandy? I will never take for granted
the well-being of loved ones and friends, my home, heat, hot water, food, lights,
and the normalcy and rhythm of life. When times are tough I always think of others
with perspective and I usually feel very lucky.
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32. Commitment to Care
This past year and a half has been quite challenging for me personally. I grew up
in the same hometown as my favorite aunt and uncle, who are also my godparents.
Their only son is mentally ill with paranoid schizophrenia. Years ago I volunteered
to become his legal guardian because I wanted them to die in peace knowing that
he would be cared for.
We make commitments, never realizing what might lie ahead. My cousin lives in a
group home in NJ. On New Year’s Day of 2013 he went home to visit my aunt who
is widowed. He found her on the floor. She appeared to be having a mini stroke.
He called me and that began an hour of begging and cajoling to get her to the
hospital…remember he is paranoid and she is very stubborn…she did not want to
go and he was afraid to make the call. I finally called a childhood friend who went
to her home. She convinced them to call an ambulance.
That day marked the beginning of six intense months of taking care of her affairs,
as she was diagnosed with advanced dementia. We took care of her medical
needs, sold her home, looked for an appropriate assisted living home, got her
finances in order, met with attorneys, and set up trusts. This consumed so much of
my time that it hurt my business and presented a huge distraction to my personal
life. I still take care of her finances and taxes and visit her regularly.
A year ago I received a call from a physician at the VA. My cousin was diagnosed
with esophageal cancer. The next four months were consuming once again with
dealing with doctors and testing at the VA, communicating with his group home,
social workers, and eventually taking him to Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer
Center in New York City where they surgically removed his esophagus. I never
imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be taking care of both of them at the
same time but I now have two new kids!
I find it remarkable that many people have stated that my aunt and cousin are so
lucky to have me. Shouldn't this be a commitment that we all make to one another?
Family and friends will fall on difficult times and we need to be there to help them.
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I admit that this has not been easy. There are days when I just want to take care
of myself. I've had times when I am about to go on stage in five minutes and I
receive a call with an urgent matter for one of them. It is stressful and distracting.
Someday I will have that time again, but there is a great satisfaction in knowing
that I can give back to my aunt and uncle who have been like parents to me. My
uncle died in 2006 and I often feel like he is looking down with great comfort.
In my travels to campuses I have met a number of students who have lost a parent
and help care for their siblings, many who help a single parent and others who are
taking care of their parents who were diagnosed with cancer or AIDS. These
remarkable young men and women have a level of wisdom and maturity that I do
not see in other students. They do not have a sense of entitlement nor do they
sweat the small stuff. They learned what is important. Through our challenges we
learn our most valuable lessons in life.
Other students are missing the traditional relationships with their parents, who are
often referred to as the sandwiched generation, as the parents are sacrificing their
time to take care of their elderly parents. People are living much longer, but sadly
not all are gaining quality of life. This puts a strain on the whole family.
I have also met students whose families have fallen on hard times with this
recession. They too have had to step up to contribute to make ends meet.
Incredible sacrifices have been made on their behalf. While others are partying,
they are working to make ends meet, or to send money to their families.
It's not always easy to care for someone, but here are some of the lessons that I
have gained from my experience:
◉ Be ready for surprises, you never know what will come along.
◉ Flexibility is a must!
◉ Don't be afraid to make calls and network with others to learn of valuable
resources.
◉ Ask for help! It is not always easy doing this alone.
◉ Take a break once in a while; you need to nurture yourself so you will be a
better caregiver.
◉ Be selfless; there are times when we have to put other's needs in front of our
own.
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◉ Don't expect something in return; karma will take care of you!
◉ Giving is good, be satisfied knowing that you did the best that you could.
◉ You will have difficult days, remain strong - so many valuable life lessons
are to be learned.
◉ Never take your good fortune for granted.
97
33. Jake – Attitude Is Everything
For the past six years I have been providing rookie training for the NY Giants. A
few years ago I met Jake Muasau who came to the team as a free agent from
Georgia State University. He was the most friendly and polite player of that
particular rookie class.
Months later I learned of his inspirational story. Jake was one of three children
born in Tacoma, Washington. His father was a pastor and mother always struggled
with schizoaffective disorder. Their lives began a downward spiral when his father
gave up everything and moved the family to California to start a church with Jake's
uncle. They lived in their uncle's garage and money stopped coming in. His father
physically abused his mother and was locked up twice on charges of domestic
violence.
Jake, his mother and brother sporadically lived in a 1985 Astro van. They would
pull the van into parks and his mother would attempt to befriend people so they
would take them home. Jake remembers feeling embarrassed. Their clothes were
packed in boxes piled in the back of the van and they slept on park benches. They
cleaned up for school at fountains or in public bathrooms. Breakfast and lunch
were provided by the school, and friends brought them food which Jake brought
back to feed his mother and father.
Jake's family moved to Phoenix to stay with his aunt. His mother's mental illness
worsened and she spent months in and out of rehab. Eventually the family moved
into their own apartment which was located in a bad neighborhood. They got
involved in bad activities and Jakes brother was incarcerated for selling drugs.
Jake was there from third to seventh grade.
When Jake was ten, his father, who was a heavy smoker was diagnosed with throat
cancer. He states that the defining moment in his life was when his father's larynx
was removed and all of the power shifted to his mother. While still struggling with
her mental illness she moved the family three hours south to a Days Inn in Sierra
Vista. She blew through all of their money that week and they were back on the
street, this time living in a turquoise wind star van.
98
Jake's father has hospitalized again. One night the police asked Jake, his mother
and brother to leave the park. They slept in the parking lot of the hospital where
Jake's dad was staying. Since his father was on a feeding tube, Jake, his brother
and mother would share his three meals. His father was moved to Phoenix as his
illness grew worse. Days later the same policeman came up to the van in the park.
This time he knew there was something wrong and he called child protective
services. Jake and his brother were placed in a group home and his mom was
taken to a home for battered women.
It was at that point that Jake's father passed away. At age 13, Jake was devastated.
His father was dead, his mother was in a home and one brother was in jail. Jake
and his brother Louie knew that the only place to go was up. They wanted a
different legacy for themselves as they worked to build a better life by channeling
their energy in a positive direction.
Jake began playing football in his freshmen year of high school. A team mate took
Jake and his brother in to live with his family for two years. It was then that he
learned a new definition of family; it was the people who helped him in times of
need - friends, probation officers, and coaches. Jake excelled at football. He
became a star defensive outside linebacker for Georgia State and was picked up
by the New York Giants in the 2012 season. Unfortunately he was cut after
suffering a hamstring injury that first summer. The Giants called him back again for
the 2013 season. In August he was cut again. He is a realist knowing that this is
common in the NFL, "You never know when your last down and last play will be."
He then went on to play in the Canadian League which did not work out as well.
Jake said he is not where he expected to be today but he is okay as he moved
back to Atlanta to finish his degree in psychology. He feels that all of his
challenges happened for a reason. He learned to overcome adversity with faith
and hard work and he knows that the tough times do not last. The past does not
dictate his future; his dreams are now of helping others. He wants to speak out on
a much larger platform to teach people that they don't need to fall victim to gangs
or poverty.
I recently had a conversation with Jake. He is now working on his master’s degree
in sports administration and he wants to work in player development with athletes.
He reflects on three individuals who work for the Giants who made a difference in
his life and he wants to do the same by giving back.
99
As I have always said, life is one percent of what happens to you and 99% attitude.
If Jake can overcome, we all can!
10
0
Notes
1. http://www.studentclearinghouse.org/about/media_center/press_releases/f
iles/release_2014-07-10.pdf
2. http://www.alcoholcostcalculator.org/kids/teens/?page=5;
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/03/31/drinking-and-grades-howstudent-alcohol-consumption-affects-gpa.html;
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3843305/
3. http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcoholconsumption/alcohol-facts-and-statistics
4. http://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/faqs.htm#excessivealcohol
5. http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcoholconsumption/what-standard-drink
6. http://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/statssummaries/snapshot.aspx
7. http://core.siu.edu/_common/documents/report0911.pdf
8. http://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/fact-sheets/underage-drinking.htm
9. http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/arh284/213-221.htm
10. http://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/StatsSummaries/snapshot.aspx
11. http://www.popcenter.org/problems/rape/2;
http://www.aauw.org/resource/campus-sexual-assault-talking-points/
12. http://www.campussafetymagazine.com/article/Sexual-Assault-Statisticsand-Myths
13. https://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/factsheet/date-rape-drugs.html
14. http://www.cdc.gov/std/trends2000/trends2000.pdf;
http://www.healthypeople.gov/2020/topics-objectives/topic/sexuallytransmitted-diseases
15. http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats/sti-estimates-fact-sheet-feb-2013.pdf
10
1
16. http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/statistics/basics/ataglance.html
17. http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/prevention/ongoing/costeffectiveness/
18. https://www.uhs.uga.edu/sleep/
19. http://www.collegeparents.org/blog/2013/12/12/college-students-speakstudy-national-alliance-mental-illness
20. http://www.adaa.org/finding-help/helping-others/college-students/facts
21. http://www.livescience.com/43956-walking-10000-steps-healthy.html
22. http://acculturated.com/need-a-new-fitness-regimen-it-starts-with-thevacuum-cleaner/
23. http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424127887324096404578354590581
579014
24. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2206048/
25. http://www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/DAWN126/DAWN126/sr126energy-drinks-use.htm
26. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-zinczenko/5-surprising-reasons-tog_b_5825568.html
27. http://www.phitamerica.org/News_Archive/10_Flaggergasting_Costs.htm
28. http://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/health
statistics/Pages/overweight-obesity-statistics.aspx
29. http://www.leafscience.com/2014/02/23/5-must-know-facts-cannabidiolcbd/;
30. http://www.narconon.org/drug-information/marijuana-today.html;
31. http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/researchreports/marijuana/marijuana-addictive
32. http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/researchreports/marijuana/marijuana-addictive
33. http://www.teendrugrehabs.com/blog/marijuana-use-affect-academicperformance-future-success-college-students/
10
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34. http://www.drugpolicy.org/wasted-tax-dollars
35. http://www.cdc.gov/drugoverdose/data/index.html
36. http://www.drugs.com/illicit/bath-salts.html
37. http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2013/05/15/2000621/international-votingreforms/
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Mom I Got This - Elaine Pasqua

Transcription

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