Current-March-25-201.. - The Orange Peel Gazette
Transcription
Current-March-25-201.. - The Orange Peel Gazette
Est. 2000 Orange Peel Gazette Vol. 12, Issue 19 March 25, 2013 SEE OUR AD ON PAGE 4 PAIN STOP with LASER LASER TECHNICIANS STOP RANDY HISE STEVE HISE MLS LASER THERAPY TREATS NEUROPATHY • BRUISING ARTHRITIS & BURSITIS PAIN SPORTS/WORK INJURIES REPETITIVE MOTION INJURIES POST-SURGICAL SWELLING ACHILLES TENDINITIS HEEL PAIN • WOUNDS 28079 US Hwy 27, Dundee, FL 863-242-0428 ENROLLING NOW! Your Life. Powered By Learning • Medical Assistant •Medical Insurance Billing & Coding •Emergency Medical Services (EMT/Paramedic) •X-Ray Technician •HVAC-R Technician Day & Evening Classes Available Financial Aid for Those Who Qualify Career Placement Assistance for All Graduates Fortis in Mulberry is approved for Veterans Training Call Today! 863-646-1400 5925 IMPERIAL PARKWAY MULBERRY, FLORIDA www.Fortis.edu Over 12 Years Entertaining Polk County E.Hillsborough,Highlands and theWorld Chiropractic Center of Lakeland For Your Good Health, Naturally 2390 Griffin Rd, Lakeland, FL DR. STEPHEN JOHNSON DR. ALVIN GREEN CHIROPRACTIC PHYSICIANS FO S H E E J e we le r s SEE OUR AD ON PAGE 7 LJ’s Get ME NTI ON OPG 10%OFF WE’LL TRANSFER YOUR OLD MOVIES, LJ’s P ICTURES OR S LIDES TO DVD OR VHS TAPES........................ 863-859-0335 Don’t Lose Ask about our TREATMENT SPECIALS and Visit our website: www.cclchiro.com to Learn about our INNOVATIVE TECHNOLOGY Your Memories! At The Village at Vienna Square We’ll put your old Lp Records or Audio Tapes on CD 8MM OR 16MM FILm SUPER 8MM FILM VHS TAPES OR VHS-C CASSETTES MINI & REG DVD TAPES Open 6 Days • Same Day Appointments • Se habla español Most Insurance Accepted • Affordable Cash Plans 1 BEDROOM APARTMENTS 2 BEDROOM/2 BATH APARTMENTS •3 Meals Daily •Housekeeping Weekly •Cable •Phone •Electric •Transportation Extra Services Provided CHERI HARMON Administrator •Medication Management •Dressing Assistance •Bathing Assistance •Personal Laundry • Complex Medicare Care & Services • Cardiac Recovery • Diabetes Management • IV therapy • Pain Management • Hospice Care MANDY DOWNS Admissions • Respite Care Coordinator 701 Overlook Drive, Winter Haven, FL 863.318.5000 WWW.VILLAGEATVIENNASQUARE.COM ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY • LICENSE #AL11898 863-859-2625 * * Recognized by the Federal Bankruptcy Court as a Debt Relief Agency. Relief from debt through Title 11 of the Bankruptcy Code. As Low As • MISSING SPOUSE DIVORCE • CHILD CUSTODY,SUPPORT &PROPERTY • DIVORCE MODIFICATIONS •CONTRACTS • ADOPTION • NAME CHANGE • WILLS • QUIT CLAIM DEED • INCORPORATION • SMALL CLAIMS • ONE SIGNATURE DIVORCE AND OTHER DOCUMENTS COURT DOCUMENTS PREPARED OVER 15 YEARS IN BUSINESS Member of the Better Business Bureau 863-686-5888 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 2 McCarty’s Carts 5941 US HWY 17-92, Haines City, FL 863-667-2278 COMPLETE SERVICE, SALES, RENTALS, REFURBISHING 6 NEW BATTERIES SAME DAY SERVICE UPICK UP 6 VOLT $430 • 8 VOLT $520 INSTALLED 6 VOLT $485 • 8 VOLT $595 TOTAL COST WITH TAX & FEES 18 MONTH WARRANTY ON ALL BATTERIES new service in our shop! “MOTOR SPEEDUP” COMPLETE SAFETY CHECKUP INSIDE STORAGE 6 Months $180 •Mini Detail $30 Cart Check & Charged $50 $ .00 ($260 Value) Reserve Now! K 199 Gift Shop Mon-Sat 8-6•Sun 10-5 35969 Hwy 27, Haines City, FL ORANGES• TANGERINES GRAPEFRUIT •HONEY BELLS CANDIES & SPREADS GOURMET GIFTS • FRUIT CLUBS Send Florida’s Sweetest Fresh Picked Florida Citrus Packed & Shipped Daily 1-800-672-2233 SHOP THE ORANGE RING ONLINE AND SEE A FULL ARRAY OF OUR WONDERFUL PRODUCTS AND GIFTS www.orangering.com 2 Tickets Definitely Worth The Ride! Plant City Housing, LLC My sister Candice's husband drove right into a radar trap. And because Candice was following him in her car, the police officer nabbed her too. After the officer had written up one ticket, he approached Candice. Her defense was that she was merely following her husband. When that appeal failed, she tried another tack: "Do you give family discounts?" New • Pre owned • Home & Land Mobile • Manufactured • Modular WE BUY USED HOMES WE SELL THE #1 NEW HOMES Snuggles After I tucked my six-year-old daughter into bed, she asked if she could sleep with Snuggles, my special teddy bear, because she was just a little scared. I looked at her bed, filled with her own dolls and bears, and said, "What about all of these?" "They won't help," she replied. "They're already asleep." Twilight Zoned My boss had been trying to reach Mike, one of his plumbers, when it became apparent Mike had accidentally turned off his pager. Suddenly the boss realized he had sent Mike on a call to an apartment building where his own sister lived. When Mike returned to the office, he said he felt he had been in the Twilight Zone: While working in the hallway, an attractive lady whom he had never seen before opened her apartment door and said: "Mike? It's for you." Sign In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. Delivery - Set Up - Financing Available Located at Rte 60 & 39, Plant City, Florida Since 1971 813-650-8100 ALLEN’S Ron Kurt MOBILE HOME TRANSPORT & SET UPS RELEVELS Retro-fits for FHA-VA Inspections 813-986-5961 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 VIKING 3 TOWING & RECOVERY INC. Lake Wales•Winter Haven•Bartow•Frostproof•Avon Park 24 HOUR ROADSIDE SERVICE 863-676-6298 863-676-0202 SHORT AND LONG DISTANCE TOWING JUMP STARTS • LOCK OUTS WINCHING • FLAT TIRES FUEL DELIVERY • FLAT BED JUNK CARS • LOW BOY EQUIPMENT MOVING SPECIAL REQUESTS I N K G I VRECYCLING, INC 1624 SR 60W LAKE WALES, FLORIDA 863-679-8969 A FULL SERVICE SCRAP METAL RECYCLING FACILITY WE BUY ALL KINDS OF METAL •Catalytic Converters • Copper • Aluminum •Aluminum Cans (UBC) • Junk Cars • Batteries •Scrap Steel • Yellow Brass • Stainless Steel •Transmissions • Engines •Sealed Units •Alternator, Starters, Compressors, Radiators WE OFFER PICK-UP SERVICE member Institute of Scrap Recycling Industries, Inc. 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 4 CHARLOTTE COMBS STONE ATTORNEY AT LAW Basic Will: $100 • Living Will: $50 Power of Attorney: $95 Health Care Surrogate: $50 Trust Package: $795 ESTATE PLANNING & PROBATE Winter Haven Sebring • Tampa CONSULTATION: FREE 863-439-4500 STONE & WALDER, P. L. www.stoneandwalder.com 31 4 A ve n u e K SE , W in t er Ha v e n, F L in the offices of Professional Tax Consultants Licensed • Insured & “LIGHTNING LOADER” DEBRIS REMOVAL CLEAN - EFFICIENT - NO TRUCKS ON YOUR LAWN THE BEST FOR LESS! ...TELL A FRIEND! 863-682-4235 863-370-6067 Who’s In The Case? As a flight attendant in the 1970s, one of my duties was to remove hard objects from the overhead bins. One day I helped an elderly woman retrieve her carryon case from the rack and stow it under the seat. "Careful, dearie," she said, smiling sweetly. "My husband's in there...I'm taking him home to New Jersey with me." Just Punishment USA QUALITY STEEL BUILDINGS BARNS AND GARAGES After Laura was pulled over for speeding, she told her four-year- old daughter Olivia, "That was not a good thing that Mommy did. I was going too fast, and that's why the policeman gave me a ticket." "What's the ticket mean?" Olivia asked, Laura replied, "It means I have to pay a lot of money as a punishment." The little girl then asked, "Why didn't he just spank you instead?" Only $3,820 +tax Installed Only $3,125 +tax Installed I am a school bus driver and like to chat with the children as we wait for everyone to board. On the last day of school before the holidays, I asked one sevenyear-old boy if he had any plans for the break. "No," he replied. "I'm going to stay home and become a potato couch." Only $9,985 +tax Installed Only 6,540 +tax Installed Carports and RV Ports Installed from $695 2 Car Garages Installed from $4,195 Special 5% Discount on Many Buildings Remember, ”Bugs Don’t Eat Steel.” A Plan For School Break Dear Abby: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. CALL 863-978-8586 www.USABARNSANDGARAGES.com 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 5 $58,900 JACOBSEN HOMES FACTORY OUTLET MODEL CENTER Finance Specialists - Land/Home, Chattel,Land-In-Lieu, FHA, VA, Private Finance ALSO OFFERING - Park Models. Trade-Ins & Repos WE PAY CASH FOR USED HOMES ‘86 AND NEWER. Price Includes, Set-Up, A/C, Skirting and Steps. www.bennetthomesofbartow.com Aiming For The Stars A young man visited an observatory for the first time. While there he watched the astronomer look through a large telescope. When the young man looked up at the night sky, he just happened to see a shooting star. "That's amazing!" he said. "You sure are a great shot." Man Of Cards Late in the day a wild man burst into the psychiatrist's office. "Ya gotta help me!" he screamed, "I can't stop thinking I'm a deck of cards!" Flushing with anger, the doctor snapped, "Wait outside! I'll deal with you later!" My Son’s Wisdom My mother-in-law was going to spend the holidays with us. Before her arrival, my husband, Barry, and I debated whether or not she should accompany us to a party on New Year's Day. Barry wanted her to attend, but I worried she might feel out of place. I turned to my 21-year-old son, who had been listening. "I agree with you, Mom," he said. "You shouldn't take her." Surprised, as he always agrees with his dad, I was basking in his approval when he added, "That would be like me taking you to a party with me." "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." Oprah Winfrey $53,900 863-537-6063 145 S. Hankin Rd., Bartow, FL Beautiful Homes ALL EXCEPTIONAL AMENITIES EST HORM TING A $ STA 0 0 0 , 5 1 Ask About Our Reduced Lot Rent Special! WONDERFUL COMMUNITY AMENITIES Clubhouse • Horseshoes • Library • Billiards Shuffleboard Courts • RV Storage • Pet Friendly Woodworking Shop • Heated Pool & Spa On-Site Customer Service Sun Homes at 1625 Ariana St Lot 16 Lakeland, Florida 888-619-8910 www.arianavillage.com BRING IN AD AND PAY NO APPLICATION FEE EXPIRES APRIL 14, 2013 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 WE PRICE THE JOB WE DO THE WORK! “If you have a tree problem, we have the solution.“ S T U MP GR I ND IN G • TR E E T R IM MI NG TR E E R E MO V A L • P R E S S U R E W A S H IN G I R R I G AT I O N R E P A I R • V A L VE L O C A T I O N 863-412-8649 QUICK AND RELIABLE SERVICE LICENSED & INSURED Max’s Good News Young Max walked in the door, a smile on his face. "Say, Dad, good news. Remember you promised to pay me ten dollars if I passed the math exam?" Mr. Townsend looked up from his newspaper and nodded. "Well," said Max, "I spared you the expense." Pay Phone Conversation Desperate to use a payphone, a visitor to town searched high and low, and when he eventually found one, it was already occupied. Hoping that the man inside the kiosk wouldn't be long, the visitor waited impatiently outside, constantly looking at his watch. In an attempt to convey a sense of urgency, the visitor kept staring at the man on the phone but soon noticed that he wasn't actually saying anything. As the minutes passed, the visitor kept looking, nodding and pointing to his watch, but the guy inside paid no attention and just stood there with the phone in his hand, saying nothing into the receiver. After a quarter of an hour, the guy inside had still not said a word into the phone. Thinking that he was being deliberately obstructive and just wasting time, the visitor finally lost his cool. Opening the door of the box, he tried to snatch the phone from the other man's hand. "Do you mind!" said the guy with the phone. "I'm talking to my wife!" "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." -- Napoleon Bonaparte 6 with ® On Sale Today ! ~ ~ AFFORDABLE Energy Efficient Windows STOP THE SUN’S HEAT FROM ENTERING YOUR HOME SIMONTON WINDOWS let in the light but stop the heat! The BEST Simonton Windows + The BEST Price + The BEST Contractor + A Lifetime Warranty = BEST Deal for YOU! 100% Financing AvailabLe! We Will Beat ANY Competitors Price! Allow us to give you a Construction & Aluminum Licensed • Bonded • Insured RC 0049987 RR 0046367 NO Pressure NO Hassle FREE ESTIMATE 863-647-5912 ~ In God We Trust ~ 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 7 Slow Night In Vegas Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed..The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." “Noles” Fan A teacher asks her students if they're “Gator” fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Eddy What team are you a fan of?" "The Noles" "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both “Noles” fans, so I'm a “Noles” fan too." "That's not a good answer, Eddy. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" "No, that would make me a “Gator” fan!" Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. POLK COUNTY’S MOST TRUSTED JEWELER SINCE 1953 WE GIVE YOU THE BEST PRICES FOR GOLD, SILVER, AND PLATINUM •JEWELRY APPRAISALS •WE SELL AND SERVICE JEWELRY • WATCHES AND CLOCKS 943 EAST PARKER ST., LAKELAND, FL 863-686-3479 w w w . Fo s he eJ ew e le rs . co m Thank you for your trust for over 60 years. C lyde Foshee 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 8 Conner Home C H I Improvements, Inc. WINDOW REPLACEMENT $ FREE ESTIMATES Licensed & Insured SCC#131149884 185 00 100% Financing Available 12 months interest free SEAMLESS GUTTERS/ ROOFING/ REPAIRS/ SOFFIT FASCIA & SIDING/ WINDOW & DOOR REPLACEMENT •RESCREENING •PAINTING •FLORIDA ROOMS •SKY LIGHTS •AWNINGS •FLOORING •SEAMLESS GUTTERS • ACRYLIC WINDOWS WHERE QUALITY, DURABILITY & STYLE COUNT .......WITH OVER 40 YEARS EXPERIENCE SENIOR DISCOUNT WE ACCEPT ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS WWW .C ONNER H OME I MPROVEMENTS FL. COM Another Talking Dog A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here." "You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk." "Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. "The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?" "Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!" "And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" "I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties." The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you." As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?" Washington Beltway Bill was driving on the Beltway in a car with Hillary. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes... Dental Reconstruction During the year that my husband was undergoing expensive dental reconstruction, he got to know everyone in the dentist's office. When a couple of staffers teased him about his garbled speech after he got a mouth-numbing anesthetic, he replied, "Well, it's hard to talk with $5,000 in your mouth." 863-709-8821 SMOKERS! ALL CIGARETTES $ 98 PER 21 CARTON $2.20 PER PACK Equivalent to OUR TOBACCO IS PURE PREMIUM NO FILLERS • NO HARSH CHEMICALS SO THROW AWAY THOSE LOW QUALITY AREA CODE CIGARETTES AND ENJOY SMOKING AGAIN! LAKELAND TOBACCO 3121 H WY 98 N ORTH . L AKELAND , FL South end of Gold’s Gym/Guitar Center Plaza 863-800-0154 OPG’S MODERN MEDICINE David Arango, M.D. Page 9 Cowboy and The Woman Bikers EJF An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and ORTHOPEDICS orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a & SPORTS while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear blonde joke?"The bar immediately falls absolutely MEDICINE INSTITUTE asilent. ... In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next SPECIALIZING IN: Spinal Disorders to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I • Auto Accidents • Work Related Injuries think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde We Offer effective: Epidural Spinal Injections • Facet Joint Injections • Trigger Point Injections girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman 1120 Carlton Ave. Suite 1400, Lake Wales, FL with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next 575 East Central Ave., Winter Haven, FL to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 1507 Lakeland Hills Blvd. Suite 107, Lakeland, FL 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do Phone: 863 324-6100 you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." Artis Bassett Hearing Aids SALES & SERVICE MELISSA K. CRAFT - HEARING AID SPECIALIST OUR OFFICES ARE HOME TO THE MOST ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY IN THE REGION FREE TESTS & EVALUATION 137 W. Hwy 60, Lake Wales, FL • 863-676-0616 Lost Luggage I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy. WALK-IN TUBS & SHOWERS SAVE 20-60% From National Tub Companies Call Today! •SAFETY •COMFORT •INDEPENDENCE 863-877-0153 Enjoy A Nice Soak Again! Lic.#CGC1518164 www.LifestyleRemodeling.com 0% Financing Available WAC OPG’S MODERN MEDICINE Page 10 Letter Home A college student wrote a letter home: Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back. But I was too late. A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!" In the Old Days My daughter was six and excited about learning all the wonderful things about the world that first-graders learn. She turned to me one day and asked, "Mom, back in the old days when you were a kid, had they learned how to make the wheel yet?" I replied, "No, Sweetie, back then we were just grateful to have fire." Frozen A wife texts her husband on a cold morning: "Windows frozen." Her husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it." The wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now. GROUP, LLC Gift certificates Tight or Sore Muscles? available! By Appointment Only 1 Ho u r M e d i c a l M a s s a g e DEREK CLARK, LMT 18 YEARS EXPERIENCE 4000 $ Reg $80.00 Mention OPG or Show ad. Not valid with any other offer, Expires 4/15/13 Keep Your Clothes On & Enjoy A Half Hour Medical Massage 2500 $ Reg $50.00 Mention OPG or Show ad. Not valid with any other offer, Expires 4/15/13 319 First Street South, Winter Haven, Florida Did Your Doctor Stop Accepting Your Insurance? Certified & Licensed # P106810 Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 11 The ABC Song Politician in bookstore: Hey, can you help me find this book? Clerk: Sure. (He holds up a piece of paper with the title and author of a book on it. I find it on the shelves and hand it to him.) Politician: Thanks! How'd you do that so fast? Clerk: Well, I've worked here awhile, and the books are all in alphabetical order by author’s name. Politician: What do you mean? Clerk: Alphabetical order. Like the alphabet song? You know, A’s before B’s? (He looks confused, but then widens his eyes.) Politician: The letters actually go in that order? I thought that song was just to remember them all! Candle A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you." When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. "He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply. And speaking of Rome, A sign in a Rome laundry read: - Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?..... and if it does, what does Phillip’s head look like? Lake Juliana Beautiful Homes Landings HOMES From 18,500 $ TAKE A TOUR TODAY! 888-653-9354 Monday-Friday 8am-5pm 55+ COMMUNITY AMENITIES CLUBHOUSE•2 HEATED SWIMMING POOLS BILLIARDS•FITNESS CENTER•SHUFFLEBOARD FISHING PIER•PRIVATE BOAT RAMP•WATERFRONT HOME PET FRIENDLY•ONSITE CUSTOMER SERVICE *Prospects must apply for residency and satisfy backgroundscreening requirements. SUN HOMES 166 Juliana Blvd, Auburndale, FL www.lakejuliana.com GETTING HUNGRY? TEXAS CATTLE COMPANY Page 12 5900 17-92 W, HAINES CITY, FL Since 1951 FRESH FLORIDA ORANGES & GRAPEFRUITS 863-965-1460 MONDAY - SATURDAY 9AM 5PM Home of The FREE BIRTHDAY SHORTCAKE Strawberry Shortcake at Lang’s TASTE of FLORIDA C A F È ... More Than Just Lunch FAMILY RECIPES • FAMOUS DESSERTS Home Made Soups • Delicious Sandwiches Fresh Salads with Gourmet Dressing www.langsuncountry.com The Sign of Great Steaks! Prime and choice Colorado grain fed beef. Aged 4-6 weeks, hand cut fresh everyday and cooked over an open wood pit at 1,100 degrees... ......”Soooooooooo good! Reservations Suggested • 863-686-1434 735 E. Main St Lakeland, FL Visit us at: www.texascattlecompany.net Found in the Attic Mom and the kids had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, .what's this?" "Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity. "Well what does it do?" they asked. "I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page. "WOW!" they exclaimed, "that's really cool, but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?" "There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug." "Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted. "It doesn't need batteries either," she continued. "Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!" Anniversary Gift One week before our Anniversary, my wife and I discovered we'd each bought the same gift for each other, The Beatles' Number One CD. My wife suggested I return mine, but I suggested whoever paid the most for theirs should be the one to deal with the return. After she told me how much she had paid $18.99, I said, "Well I paid only $16.99 so I guess you'll have to return yours." "How could you get me such a cheap gift?" she asked indignantly. Est 1986 Home of the Greek Salad FAMILY RESTAURANT Sun & Mon 11AM -8PM Tues-Sat 11Am-9PM 1498 Havendale Blvd., Winter Haven, FL 863-299-4564 FREE 99¢ BRING THIS AD FOR A BRING THIS AD FOR A CUP OF SOUP TOSSED SALAD with entreè. Not Valid with any other offer. Expires 4/14/13. with entreè. Not Valid with any other offer. Expires 4/14/13. 26 YEARS IN WINTER HAVEN MUSIC & BINGO & LOTS OF FUN Free Kittens RY A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Chris Matthews walks by, What do you have in the basket?" he asked. "Kittens," little Suzy said. "How old are they?" asked Matthews. Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet." "And what kind of kittens are they?" "Liberals," answered Suzy with a smile. Matthews was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op for MSNBC, the two men agreed that Matthews should return the next day; and interview the girl and talk about her discerning kittens. So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when MSNBC pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS. CNN and FOX. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Matthews walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away." "Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservatives." Taken by surprise, the Matthew stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were Liberals." Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open." 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Redman Pkwy, Plant City, FL • 813-752-2525 with this ad • limit 1 per person GRAND OPENING APRIL 6 5 FREE GAMES BEGIN EVERY DAY AT 11 AM • REGULAR GAMES BEGIN AT 11:30 AM LOTS OF PRIZES & JACKPOTS SPEED Y AN D SPEC IA L AT TH E BOTTOM OF EVERY HO UR GU A RAN TEED $50 SPEC IA L A T TH E TO P O F EA C H H OU R. 2 WINNER TAKE AL L GAMES DAIL Y @ 3:30PM AND 9 :00PM 3 $250 JACKPOTS DAILY @ 1:30 PM, 5:30 PM AND 8:30PM. Play for a game or play for a day •Play for as little as a quarter RANDOM PRIZES THROUGHOUT THE DAY AND NIGHT FRIDAY & SATURDAY NIGHTS G BOLT BINGO W IN 9PM - ? • FREE PIZZA NO AY GUARANTEED JACKPOT @ 11PM WITH A minimum NUMBER OF PLAYERS PL $250 Angels Explained By Children RY Some New, some previsibly printed, all precious. I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. Gregory, age 5 • Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it Olive, age 9 • It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die..Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, age 9 • Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, age 7 • My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, age 8 • Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! Jack, age 6 • Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, age 9 • When an angel gets mad, he takes a MARKET W0RLD deep breath and counts to ten. He lets out his breath The ULTIMATE FLEA and FARMERS MARKET again, somewhere there's a tornado. Reagan, age 10 Angels have a lot to do and are very busy. If you lose FREE CIRCUS SHOWS a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and EVERY SATURDAY & SUNDAY leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets LIVE ALLIGATOR SHOWS cold, angels go south for the winter. Sara, age 6 • OPEN FRIDAY• SATURDAY•SUNDAY 8-4 Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his 863-665-0062 son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared, age 8 • All HWY 92 WEST OF AUBURNDALE, FL angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonio, age 9 intlmarketworld.com 595 N.Broadway Ave., Bartow, FL 863-534-1429 www.sonnysbbq.com ENJOY................. Page 15 A N Z O Z ’S I P WINTER HAVEN DAVENPORT Mon -Th: 10AM-11PM Fri & Sat 10AM 12PM Sunday 11AM 11PM Mon -Th: 10AM-12PM Fri & Sat 10 AM 1 AM Sunday 11AM 12PM PIZZA & GRINDERZ Hot Pizza•Chicken Wings•Fresh Salads•Pasta “IT TASTES SO GOOD, YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT! 863-318-1045 • 863-424-9000 WINTER HAVEN DAVENPORT CARRYOUT SPECIAL 3062 CYPRESS GARDENS RD Don’t Forget Pizzano’s FREE Seasoned Crust 1 LARGE 1-TOPPING Carryout Only FREE 4 Cheese Blend THE TREE TOPS 2 PIZZAS ANY STYLE WITH 3 TOPPINGS 2 MEDIUM $1599 2 LARGE $1799 Takeout only SUPREME DEAL ANY 2 SPECIALTY PIZZAS 2 MEDIUM $1799 2 LARGE $1999 Takeout only PIZZA & GRINDER MEAL 1 LARGE 3 TOPPING PIZZA & ANY HOMEMADE GRINDER $ 99 5 CHEESE PIZZA Butter•Zesty Garlic Spicy Cajun•Italian Herb Butter Parmesan•Sesame Seed Mozzarella,Provolone, Cheddar & Parmesan 126 CALIFORNIA BLVD. $ 99 PIZZA & WINGS Every Day 2 TOPPINGS TO GO 1 LARGE 1-TOPPING PIZZA 2 PIZZAS WITH 2 TOPPINGS & A 2-LITER OF COKE® & 10 PIZZANO WINGS 2 MEDIUM $1599 $ 99 2 LARGE $1799 13 Takeout only BBQ LOVERS COMBO CHOOSE A WHOLE SLAB OF BBQ RIBS OR A WHOLE CHICKEN AND 2 DESSERT SLICES 1999 $ Takeout only GRINDERZ FOR TWO ANY TWO HOMEMADE GRINDERZ 1299 Takeout only PICK ANY TWO GRINDER, SPAGHETTI, LASAGNA RAVIOLI, 10 WINGS, MD 1 TOPPING PIZZA, MD. CHEF SALAD OR PIZZANO BREAD W/ CHEESE 1299 $ Takeout only MEDIUM MEAL DEAL 3 OR MORE MEDIUM 1-TOPPING PIZZA 500 EACH Ask About Our Special rates for Churches, Schools, Office Parties Local Function and Other Events 1 LARGE CHEESE PIZZA WITH 1-TOPPING $ 99 WELCOME BACK WEDNESDAY 4 Takeout only DELUXE FAMILY MEAL 1 SPECIALTY PIZZA & 1 2-TOPPING PIZZA 2 MEDIUM $1599 2 LARGE $1799 Takeout only PIZZA & RIBS COMBO LARGE 3-TOPPING PIZZA & ½ SLAB OF RIBS OR ½ CHICKEN 1699 W W W. P I Z Z A N O S P I Z Z AO F DAV E N P O R T. C O M 14 Takeout only $ Takeout only. $ No Limit Takeout only $ Takeout only NOW You Can Afford A 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 16 SCREEN ROOM ...............or Other Additions N O M O NE Y AND ONLY D OW N ! A MONTH OUR SPECIALTY IS SCREEN ROOMS COMPLETE SATISFACTION GUARANTEED ON SCREEN ROOMS * CARPORTS * POOL ENCLOSURES * SKIRTING WOODEN DECKS * INSULATION PACKAGES * ROOF-OVERS VINYL SIDING, SOFFIT & FACIA * VINYL/ACRYLIC/GLASS WINDOWS RUGGED 2 AND 4-TRACK SCREEN SLIDERS FOR GARAGES * FINANCING AVAILABLE * For A FREE Estimate Call Us Today! Angels Explained By Children RY My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Ashley, age 9 Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. Vicki , age 8 • What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah, age 7 Collection Plate Mistake A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate, and passed it on, admiring the man's generosity. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper: "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket." The Amateur Photographer An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera." He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots." THE HOME REPLACEMENT SPECIALISTS HAINES CITY Custom Homes CALL MARK TODAY! FREE REMOVAL OF YOUR -OLD HOMEUSED HOMES IN STOCK USED 2/2 Double Wide Only $6,000 NEW 2/2 • Jacobsen Open Floor Plan Only $57,800 NEW 3/2 • 1,500 Sq Ft Split Floor Only $54,000 Mark Today! Call 34299 HWY 27, HAINES CITY, FL • 863-421-6400 Gibson & Sons 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 17 CAMPING SOLUTIONS timmy & Angie Gibson owners SALES • PARTS • ACCESSORIES MOBILE SERVICE & RVS WANTED YOUR RV or BOAT IN A RETIREMENT COMMUNITY OF PRE-OWNED HOMES INCLUDING COOPERATIVE OWNERSHIP FROM $33,000 TO SELL ON CONSIGNMENT 25199 hwy 27 (near 540), Lake Wales, FL 863-439-2977 Bumpers Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She bumped the car in front, then backed up and hit the car behind her. This went on about two minutes. I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?" Broken Ribs Scene: Patient laying on a gurney with the doctor standing next to him holding up an x-ray. Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?. Patient: Give me the bad news I guess. Doctor: The bad news is your x-ray shows that you have three broken ribs. The good news is we fixed it with Photoshop. Just Being Polite One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter brought out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?" Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?" Tom: "The smaller piece, of course." Bill: "What are you complaining about? The smaller piece is what you got, right?" A traitor is a man who quits your party to join the other one. A man who quits the other party to join yours is a convert! FENCE & RAIL,INC. Where Quality Matters Vinyl•Aluminum Wood•Chain Link POOL SAFETY FENCES Beautify your backyard and increase home value. One time purchase unlike wood or chain link products. Define property lines and offer true privacy. Safe for children and pets. No splinters or hard corners. Added security for family members. WHOLESALE TO THE PUBLIC CONTRACTORS WELCOME “Call for the best prices in town.” superiorfenceandrail.com 863-229-2762 SOLUTIONS FOR BUSY BACKYARDS™ AUTHORIZED DEALER 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 33 Years 18 Serving Polk County Expert Jewelry Repair BRIDAL JEWELRY BULOVA•CITIZEN •SEIKO WATCHES HERSHEY KISS JEWELRY PERSONALITY BEADS WATCH BATTERY REPALCEMENT HOMETOWN HIGH SCHOOL CLASS RING Headquarters! HOURS: 10-6 MON- FRI •10-4 SAT 1415 Third St, SW • Winter Haven, FL 863-299-8800 U.S. Highway 98 North • Lakeland, FL 863-816-2800 CASH FOR GOLD OR SILVER Algebra Problem Because my tenth grade math class had difficulty solving an algebra problem, I went to the blackboard to demonstrate how it was done. The solution required many steps, but finally we arrived at the answer: X = 0. One of my students complained, "You mean to tell me we did all that work for nothing?" At the Office? My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?" I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped for a minute." "Can you do me a favor?" he asked. I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?" He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th hole." The Total Boss A group of men at the office were talking when one man said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done, when the cooking is done and when the dishes are washed." One of the other guys asked, "How long have you been married?" The man says, "Oh, I'm not married!" Baby Cry? At 3 AM in the morning, a young wife shook her husband awake. Groggily he asked "What is it?" "The baby," she reminded him. The husband sat up and listened intently. "But I don't hear her crying," he protested. "I know, and it's your turn to see why not!" Turn Your Unwanted Items into CA$H! 863-679-3600 Always Fresh! biscuits & Gravy, baby chili too!!! Bait & Ta ckle 30105 HIGHWAY 17/92 DAVENPORT, FL THE SITE P. 19 THE LATEST ISSUE OF THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE IS NOW ONLINE. YOU CAN ALSO CHECK OUT OUR ADVERTISING RATES AND SCHEDULE. SEE HOW YOUR BUSINESS CAN GET A FREE MONTH. SEE OUR COUPONS & COMICS PAGE WITH COUPONS THAT WILL SAVE YOU A FEW BUCKS AND WHERE FIND EVEN MORE JOKES. ALSO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR OUR ONLINE TRIVIA AND SCAVENGER HUNT AND YOU MIGHT EVEN WIN A STYLISH OPG T-SHIRT. WE HAVE A LOT OF BIG IDEAS WE HOPE TO BE ADDING IN THE FUTURE. WE’LL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR VISIT. JUST BRING SOMETHING....PIZZA , PASTRY OR MAYBE A CROCKPOT FULL OF AUNT MILLIE’S FAMOUS HOMEMADE CHILLI...YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE SECRET RECIPE SHE’S GOT HIDDEN UNDER THE MATTRESS IN THE GUEST ROOM....OOPS! More jokes to make you laugh and fabulous coupons t0 save you huge from businesses right here online with The Orange Peel Gazette www.theorangepeelgazette.com AVON PARK • S EBRING • L AKE P LACID Page 20 Candles, Sandals & Beads Ladies Night out •Beading Classes Kids parties •Hand Sewn Gifts •Artwork by Local Artists and much more..... 3609 SEBRING PARKWAY, SEBRING, FL (1 mile east of 27 on Right) 863-658-1371 •[email protected] Wouldn’t it be weird to actually like your cell phone company? Well checkout Boost Mobile. It’s just $55 a month for unlimited talk, text and web on the Nationwide Sprint Network. They reward you when you pay on time and for sticking around by lowering your payments with Shrinkage. ANDROID POWERED PHONES ARE AVAILABLE $20 OFF New Activation Must present ad • Offer expires 4/14/13 Audio Book After an enthusiastic recommendation from my wife, I began listening to the audio-book version of a novel. "I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed," I complained. "He refers to characters I don't know and introduces them a half hour later." My wife was as confused as I was, but I soldiered on, disoriented by the jumpy story line. It wasn't until the end of the book that my dilemma was explained: I had my iPod set on "Shuffle." Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin 1581 US 27 North Avon Park, FL 2820 US 287 South Sebring, FL AAA DISCOUNT MEDS You can save up to 90% OFF of OVER 40,000 Brand & Generic medications Drug Name & Strength Plavix.........75MG Lipitor.........20MG Niaspan..1,000MG Actos..........30MG Advair.. 250/50MG Spiriva......18MCG Nexium.......40MG Flomax.......0.4MG Celebrex... 200MG Viagra.......100MG Cialis......... 20MG Quanity AAA Discount Days FREE Shipping 120/30 180/30 180 200/33 180 Dose 90/30 200/33 100/33 200/33 40 20 $96.29/$24.07 $133.56/$22.26 $382.44 $126.36/$20.79 $146.96 $156.23//$52.07 $148.78/$24.54 $62.32/$20.56 $105.99/$17.48 $115.23 $93.00 Quanity Days The Canada Drug Store 100/30 $78.00/$26.00 100/30 $76.00/$25.66 Local Price $992.63 180/30 $127.99/$21.33 180 Dose $154.99 90/30 $166.99/$55.66 105/30 $80.99/26.99 100/30 $75.99/$25.33 100/30 $75.00/$22.50 40 $126.99 20 $101.07 WELLS FARGO BLDG•3200 US 27S #103•SEBRING, FL Hours: 9am - 5pm PERSONAL CUSTOMER SERVICE. WE WANT A LIFETIME RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU!!! Whyatt CALL NOW TO SEE HOW YOU CAN SAVE Phone 863-385-5689 •Fax RX 863-582-9355 No Control of Availability or Price Exchange Rate 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 Fulfill Your Lifetime Dream HOSTED BY Evangelist Spirit Lake Road Nursery 21 Southern Red Ced ar Charles Chatman, $ Calvary Baptist Church, Winter Haven, FL Call for a FREE Color Brochure 636-699-7159 0r 863-597-4309 Big Steve’s gaming • models • rc & more 3763 Recker Hwy, Winter Haven, FL • Tues-Sun 10am to close FREE GAMING HUGE 2ALL0MERCHANDISE % Off GAMING AREA MTG & RPG Area MAGIC BOOSTERS 3 PACKS $10 Mention Orange Peel Gazette or bring in ad. Not valid with any other offer. Expires 4/14/12 Bass Fishing Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds." Doug replied, "Well ... a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting." 8 1 Mile North of Bartow Airbase on Spirit Lake Road 95 3Gal. 1295 NIGHT BLOOMING $ JASMINE 1095 (Hamelia) FIREBUSH $ 8 3Gal. AZALEAS $ 95 Pine Straw Bales & Bagged Mulch Available FOUNTAIN • Red GRASSES •• White Mulhy $ 95 • Pink Fakahatchee 8 3Gal. 3Gal. Pink Mulhy We Can Design and/or Install A New Landscape For You!! MON- F RI 8AM - 5PM SATURDAY 8AM - 4PM 3Gal. 5123 Spirit Lake Road Winter Haven • 299-1819 wwwspiritlakeroadnursery.com PYTHON CHALLENGE 2013 Kindergarten Drop Out My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. "Excuse me," said the woman, pointing to a pond. "What is that water made out of?" Bemused, my friend replied, "Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen." "See?" she said to her boyfriend. "I told you it wasn't real." T-SHIRTS, MERCHANDISE & COLLECTIBLES Caddy Advice Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a fourwood and a putt to me." The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under estimate his game. So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee. Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one long putt..." Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points? Doctor: Sell! AVAILABLE THROUGH JUNE 30. 2013 AT www.incinconline.com/store.html www.PythonChallenge.org T e l l m e , W H AT ’ S a h O M E W I T H O U T A P E T ? We'd love to be part of your family. Please take us home. Tiki Domestic Shorthair Female 5 Years Tiki is a sweet, affectionate black and orange cat who loves to say “hello.” When she is not getting belly rubs from her adoring humans, Tiki. Can you give a life of belly rubs? Kitty Rae Domestic Shorthair Female 7 Years It’s true! Cats only get better with age. Kitty Rae is one mature lady with a sassy side. She enjoys playing with all kinds of cat toys and woluld love you to join her for a nap. Peta Hound Female 4 Years Peta is one romantic girl. She loves long, quiet strolls in the neighborhood with her human while giving a tail wag to everyone she meets. Peta is a great companion. PET CREMATION HOME PICK-UP AVAILABLE 863-682-7297 www.lastingpaws.com About Two Miles A unit of soldiers was on a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town. A rancher rode past. "Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?" "Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered. "How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly. "Oh, a good two miles." A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?" "Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles." "Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "as least we're holding our own!”. We divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. Spanky Bulldog Mix Male 9 Months Looking for that energetic puppy for your highly active lifestyle? Then Spanky is the perfect rascal for you. He is wants to be the newest member of your forever family Every pet is spayed or neutered, vaccinated, microchipped and sent home with Revolution, a topical flea and tick medication. 863-646-7722 www.lovemyspca.com NOW OPEN 7 DAYS 5850 Brannen Rd S, Lakeland, FL 22 This kid’s Tasty!! 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 10% OFF Exp 5/31/13 ABOVE GROUND POOL REMODELS NEW INSTALLATIONS • LEAK DETECTION LINERS REPAIRED & LINER REPLACEMENTS NEW FILTER REPLACEMENTS & SAND CHANGES ABOVE GROUND POOL COVERS & PILLOWS A-F-A-B Pools, Inc•863-514-0322 FREE ESTIMATES [email protected] Time for a Beer EJF CPO Certified & Insured 23 Damien Can Tell Your Past, Present & Future WINTER HAVEN ON HWY 17 IN ELOISE GREAT FLORIDA INSURANCE AUTO • BOATS HOMEOWNERS MOTORCYCLES Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." Babe Ruth "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Lyndon B. Johnson "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up 5525 US Hwy 98 N, Lakeland, FL NEW LOCATION reading." Paul Horning "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? 2614 Lakeland Hills Blvd, I think not." H. L.. Mencken " When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, Lakeland, FL we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. LOCATED IN THE STRIP MALL JUST SOUTH OF THE POST OFFICE When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" George Bernard Shaw Jeff Dicks "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be 12 Years Licensed happy." Benjamin Franklin Financial "Without question, the greatest invention in the Consultant history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the Stocks • Mutual Funds • Life Insurance wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does 401k Rollovers • IRA’s • Stock Options not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser. Annuities • Bonds • CD’s Professor Irwin Corey Kovack Securities, Inc To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group - Salvation in a can! Leo Durocher 620 Dundee Rd. Suite D, Dundee, FL One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" 863-206-2222 Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm: "Well, ya see, Jeff Dicks is a registered representative of and offers securities through Kovack Securities, Inc. 6451 N. Federal Highway, Suite 1201 Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33308 Telephone: (954) 782-4771 * Member FINRA/SIPC. Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest are killed first. The general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; The human brain can only operate as fast as " FASTER REFUNDS MORE ACCURATE FILING" the slowest brain cells. Drinking, as we know, kills E FILE APPROVED • 3FUND THE CHOICES ARE YOURS brain cells. But, it attacks the slowest and weakest BACKED BY 33 YEARS EXPERIENCE brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the 319 Third Street NW Winter Haven, FL DOWNTOWN IN THE OLD TIME SQUARE BUILDING brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." 863-293-1413 • Se Habla Español 863-859-7927 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 24 EPISCOPAL CATHOLIC APARTMENTS AFFORDABLE EFFICIENCY &1 BR APARTMENTS* 500 Ave L NW, Winter Haven, FL 62 YEARS OR OLDER Laundry Facilities • Electric & Water Incl. A non-denominational community, centrally located near downtown Winter Haven convenient to shopping, transportation and medical services 863-299-4481 • TTY 1-800-955-8771 *HUD income Guidelines Apply EQUAL HOUSING OPPORTUNITY H IGHEST Q UALITY P ROFESSIONAL R OOFING C ONTRACTOR 30 YRS KNOWLEDGE & EXPERIENCE 863-513-7775 FREE ESTIMATES Licensed & Insured RC29027454 Traders Pawn 2880 Havendale Blvd.,Winter Haven, FL 863-967-3933 • 863-967-5653 $ CASH PAID $ I PAY TOP PRICE FOR SINGLE COINS OR ENTIRE COLLECTIONS FOR MY PERSONAL COLLECTION COOPER’S COMMERCIAL RENTAL & MINI-STORAGE 2880 Havendale Blvd. Winter Haven, FL 10’ x 12’ 863-967-3933 M - F 7:30 AM -6PM $60/mo 7:30 AM -5PM S ON RI ATURDAY www.coopersministorage.com O RANGE P EEL G AZETTE D ISCLAIMER Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable....maybe. Accuracy however is another thing. All humorous stories and jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any group or individuals. If anyone is offended by any content herein -“get over it”. If you would like to contribute we take money or if you prefer jokes, make sure they can be cut and pasted computer-like. I don’t type. Any political leanings construed from any material herein is your hang up, This publication is neither Republican, Democrat, Green, Fascist, Communist, Socialist, Theocratic, Chocolate, Vanilla or Strawberry. However the Orange Peel Gazette is anti-stupidity (self serving Politicos for example, liberals and anyone else agreeing with Obama or,....people who call or write or email me cause I made a spelling errrorr. If you feel the need to correct me - Don’t, I don’t care.) Hey, it could all be your fault or George Bush’s.... ask Obama, he thinks so ... it’s on his teleprompter ...ask him... Enjoy!!!! Got Gold? WE PAY CASH! Mon-Fri 9AM-6PM Saturday 9AM-5PM GREAT PRICES ON ELECTRONICS, DVDS, POWER TOOLS, JEWELRY AND MORE www.traderspawnshop.com Stinking Bank Loan Wanting to borrow some money to make a sixmonth tour of Europe, a man went to the bank where he had done business for years. The bank refused the loan. He went to another bank and obtained the loan without any difficulty. Then he bought a five pound fish, had it wrapped, and put it in his safe deposit box at the first bank as he joyfully left for his six-month vacation. Basic Training I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek. An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!" Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," he continued, "we should reach the starting point any minute now." Cactus Watering During a tour at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, a New York City woman mentioned that she was raising a type of cactus in a pot on her apartment balcony. Another tourist asked her how she kept from watering it too much, because the cactus would die if over watered. "I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper," replied the New Yorker. "Every time I read that it rained in the desert, I give my plant some water." If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research. 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 25 Air Conditioning A technician working at a small not-for-profit organization reports that they are having problems with the air conditioning in their small computer room. "It was routinely getting into the low 80's," he says. "We thought the air conditioning for the room should be plenty for the space, but we had added a number of additional systems." So the organization brings in a vendor to see what beefing up the cooling system will cost. The quote is in the neighborhood of $25,000 -way too pricey for this outfit. "At non-profits, money is never in abundance and we knew we wouldn't be able to scrape up anywhere close to $25,000," says the technician. "However, our board required us to get three quotes for any expense close to that. So we brought in a competing vendor." The second air-conditioning guy walks into the computer room and looks around for a minute. Then he picks up a spare cardboard box off the floor and tapes it over the thermostat. "No charge," he says. It turns out that an air-conditioning vent was blowing directly onto the thermostat. So as soon as it would turn on, the thermostat would register the temperature change and shut the air conditioner off. The technician reported, "We did end up spending $100 or so to replace the cardboard box with something nicer ... and to buy dinner for the second vendor." Help someone when they are in trouble, and they will remember you when they're in trouble again. ONLY America’s #1 Home Builder Up to in the terms of DECKS & PATIOS WELLS & 4612 Hwy 92 East, Lakeland, FL SEPTIC TANKS FLAT SCREEN TVs 863-606-0707 & B U S I NE S S C EN T ER L OWEST PRICES IN POLK COUNTY All Units - Air Conditioned All Units - Indoors AMERICAN INDIAN ARTIFACTS Call863-289-1837 Professional Tax Consultants, Inc. A Firm of Enrolled Agents FEDERAL - BUSINESS • ANY STATE INCOME TAX PREPARATION “Tax Season Unlike Any Other Season....Never Ends” Professional Tax Consultants...Always in Season Open Monday - Friday 9am to 6 pm Winter Haven Lakeland 314 Avenue K SE 2054B E.Edgewood Dr T H E O R AN G E P E E L EZ sTORAGE uNITS $15 G A ZE T TE N E E D S S A LE S OFFICE SPACE AVAILABLE REPS. COMMISSION PAID 863-439-1505 www.ezstorageandbc.com DAILY. GET STARTED sq ft Commercial Space 3200 Nice Office/Retail/Storage TODAY! CALL BOB AT 86 3 - 4 3 8 - 8 0 0 7 620 DUNDEE ROAD, DUNDEE, FL starting at /mO US HWY Shell 27 Dundee Rd Hardee’s 863.294.5462 863.669.9690 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 •Tree Trimming and Pruning •Tree Removal •Weight Reduction •De-Mossing 26 •FREE Estimates • Stump Grinding •Bracing & Cabling Licensed & Insured 863-557-9991 352-223-2887 ALUMINUM and CONCRETE NEW CONSTRUCTION • ADDITIONS • REMODELING ROOF - OVERS • CARPORTS • GARAGES • AWNINGS Office: 863-967-9776 Fax: 863-984-6853 CONSTRUCTION Lic # CBC1259246 FREE ESTIMATES Septic Tank, Sewer & Drain Cleaning We’re Rootin’ For Your Business! STOPPAGES SPECIALISTS Main Lines • Kitchen Sink •Washer Lines • Storm Sewer New Installation • Drainfield Repair 863-644-4033 • 813-967-1987 Residential & Commercial • 35 Years Experience BRUCE SANDERS 767 CYPRESS GARDENS BLVD WINTER HAVEN [email protected] Polk Furniture Store MON-FRI 11-6 SAT 10-4 D EL I V ERY A V A IL A BL E ! Orange Peel Gazette 620 Hwy 542 Suite 3 P.O. Box 1631, Dundee, FL 33838 863-438-8007 Email: [email protected] PUBLISHERS, EDITORS, JANITORS theorangepeelgazette.com ROBERT AND LINDA ARCHETTO ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Norman Roy • Delton Hayes Drew Truitt • Sis Zarko CONTRIBUTING EDITORS Chief Contributor: Ernie Finocchio Ron Yost • Elizabeth Archetto NO SOCIALISTS ALLOWED Car Ads, -Translation Two tone paint -- Original color and rust. One careful owner -- But the other nine were clumsy as anything. 10,000 trouble-free miles -- Crashed in the last 20 feet. Heated rear window -- So you won't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter. Very clean -- Only washed when it rains. Clean interior -- All the rubbish is under the floor mats. Immobilizer -- The gear shift comes off in your hand. Anti-theft device -- I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap. Drives beautifully -- in a straight line; the steering is all over the place. Low mileage -- The odometer is on its third time around. Full service history -- Charlie in the garage around the corner checked it over last week. Economical -- Doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph. Check Your Bill A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his comUNIQUE HIGH QUALITY PRE-OWNED pany. It included hourly billing for conferences, FURNITURE AT UNUSUALLY LOW PRICES!! research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everyWE BUY FURNITUREFOR CASH OR WILL TAKE ON thing but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the execuCONSIGNMENT. WE PICK UP TOO! tive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item INVENTORY CHANGES DAILY CHECK CRAIGLIST UNDER LAKELAND buried in the middle of the list: "For crossing the 101 Burns Lane•Winter Haven, FL 33884 street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125." off Dundee Road 863-875-5554 BUSINESS DIRECTORY Heart To Heart Fabrics & More That was utterly forgettable.. I’d rather listen to fingernails on a chalkboard.... SEWING MACHINE SALES & SERVICE 237 Ave. O SW, Winter Haven, FL 9-5 Mon-Fri Tues ‘til 8 863-298-8185 s Best Cut MASTER ELECTRICIANS Over 25 Years Experience. Quality Affordable Work from the Best Electricians in Polk County 863-969-8811 License# ER13013944 MAYER JEWELERS Our 40 Year WE BUY GOLD SILVER & COINS th WE REPAIR ALLTYPESOFJEWELRY WE MAKE JEWELRY 863-676-1317 FREE JEWELRY INSPECTIONS 201 E. STUART AVE, LAKE WALES, FL BARBERSHOP $1 OFF Haircut w/ad Mon-Fri 8-5:30 • Sat 8-2 213 AHVENUE O SW OPE PLAZA WINTER HAVEN, FL 863-293-9433 ANTIQUES Southern Comfort Antiques Tue-Sat 10-5 • Sun 11-4 Specializing in Furniture & Collectibles 29119 Hwy 27N, Dundee, FL 863-439-4944 AREA’S LARGEST ANTIQUE MALL Whyatt POWELL A/C & HEAT SALES • SERVICE MAINTENANCE REPAIR Residential • Commercial NEW INSTALLATIONS 863-293-5046 HOUSE NEED A BATH? State Certified CAC 1815469 CALL JOHN 863-259-9313 FREE ESTIMATES GUTTERS PAPA JOHN RISENERS CUSTOM 6” SEAMLESS GUTTERS • UNDERGROUND DRAIN • VARIETY OF COLORS Forget the rest • Go with the Best 863-858-1368 • SENIOR DISCOUNT E S TAT E S A L E S WE DO ALL TYPES OF ESTATE SALES DOWNSIZING, LIQUIDATIONS, MOVING. YOUR PLACE OR OURS, FLEXIBLE PLANS AND PRICING. CALL LANGAR LLC ESTATE SALES: 863-967-8630 Page 27 unior’s Fish Market WIDE SELECTION OF YOUR FAVORITE FISH LOBSTER SHRIMP SCALLOPS OYSTERS CLAMS & M0RE 1341 SR 60 East Lake Wales, Florida 863-678-FISH 3650 Dundee Road Winter Haven, Florida PINSTRIPING•MOULDING TUNE UP • BRAKES 863-438-8007 863-521-3245 28 SILVER, DIAMONDS & PLATINUM SPECIALIZING IN ALL AUTOMOTIVE & RV REPAIR NEEDS 55 FT CUSTOMIZED PAINT BOOTH ELECTRICAL HOOK UPS!! SERVICE INCLUDES SATELLITES•REFRIGERATION•PROPANE BODY SERVICE INCLUDES ROOFS•COLLISION•BODY REPAIR•PAINT 3650 Havendale Blvd. Winter Haven, Florida 863-967-5463 Visit Us on the Web: hitechautosrv.net ATTENTION SNOWBIRDS!!! WHO WILL BE WATCHING YOUR HOUSE? in CENTRAL FLORIDA RENTALS Home#1& Property & MANAGEMENT, INC. Management Available LAWN CARE • POOL CARE 24/7 PEST CONTROL • CLEANING REPAIRS AND REFURBISHING & MORE P R O P E R T Y M A N A G E M E N T • V A C A TI O N H O M E R E N T A L S 863-421-0905 • 863-651-4500 CFRM VILLAS INC. BBB Accredited A+ RATING WWW.CFRMVILLAS.COM Licensed Florida Company Breakfast Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-inlaw declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough." "Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?" "You're supposed to cook it?" he said. Bus Fare Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?" "Sixty cents," said the driver. The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?" "Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way." BEFORE We Are Paying Top Dollar for Gold! You Sell, Check with US! GREAT PRICES ON GUNS We Pay in Cash! •Berretta •Charles Daly •EAA •Glock •Marlin •Mossberg • Remington •Ruger •SIG •S&W •Taurus •Winchester
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