A Blank Page - The Orange Peel Gazette

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A Blank Page - The Orange Peel Gazette
Est. 2000
Orange Peel Gazette
June 24, 2013
SEE OUR AD ON PAGE 4
PAIN STOP
with LASER
LASER
TECHNICIANS
STOP
RANDY HISE
STEVE HISE
MLS LASER THERAPY TREATS
NEUROPATHY • BRUISING
ARTHRITIS & BURSITIS PAIN
SPORTS/WORK INJURIES
REPETITIVE MOTION INJURIES
POST-SURGICAL SWELLING
ACHILLES TENDINITIS
HEEL PAIN • WOUNDS
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863-242-0428
ENROLLING NOW!
FO
RTIS
INSTITUTE
Your Life.
Powered By Learning
• Medical Assistant
•Medical Insurance
Billing & Coding
•Emergency Medical
Services (EMT/Paramedic)
•X-Ray Technician
•HVAC-R Technician
Fortis in Mulberry is Approved
For Veterans Training
863-646-1400
5925 IMPERIAL PARKWAY
MULBERRY, FLORIDA
www.Fortis.edu
FI REW O RK S
SEE OUR AD ON PAGE 8
Chiropractic Center of Lakeland
For Your Good Health, Naturally
2390 Griffin Rd, Lakeland, FL
DR. STEPHEN JOHNSON
DR. ALVIN GREEN
CHIROPRACTIC PHYSICIANS
Vol. 13, Issue 4
F O S H EE
J e w e le r s
SEE OUR AD ON PAGE 4
LJ’s
Get
ME
Don’t Lose
Your Memories!
8MM OR 16MM FILm
SUPER 8MM FILM
VHS TAPES OR
VHS-C CASSETTES
MINI & REG DVD TAPES
Open 6 Days • Same Day Appointments • Se habla español
Most Insurance Accepted • Affordable Cash Plans
LEBRATING
E
C
We’ll put your old Lp Records
or Audio Tapes on CD
60 YEARS
Polk County’s Most Trusted Jeweler Since 1953
OPG
WE’LL TRANSFER
YOUR OLD MOVIES, LJ’s
P ICTURES OR S LIDES TO DVD
OR VHS TAPES........................
Ask about our TREATMENT SPECIALS and
Visit our website: www.cclchiro.com to
Learn about our INNOVATIVE TECHNOLOGY
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IN BUSINESS
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*
WE GIVE YOU THE BEST PRICES
FOR GOLD, SILVER AND PLATINUM • MISSING SPOUSE DIVORCE
• WATCHES
AND CLOCKS
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• CHILD CUSTODY,SUPPORT &PROPERTY
• DIVORCE MODIFICATIONS •CONTRACTS
• ADOPTION • NAME CHANGE • WILLS
• QUIT CLAIM DEED • INCORPORATION
• SMALL CLAIMS • ONE SIGNATURE
DIVORCE AND OTHER DOCUMENTS
• JEWELRY
APPRAISALS
•WE SELL AND
SERVICE
JEWELRY
* Recognized by the Federal Bankruptcy
Court as a Debt Relief Agency. Relief from
debt through Title 11 of the Bankruptcy Code.
Thank you for your
trust for over 60 years.
C lyde Foshee
www.Foshee Jewelers.com
863-686-3479
943 EAST PARKER ST., LAKELAND, FL
COURT DOCUMENTS
PREPARED
OVER 15 YEARS IN BUSINESS
Member of the
Better Business Bureau
863-686-5888
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
McCarty’s Carts
5941 US HWY 17-92, Haines City, FL
863-667-2278
COMPLETE SERVICE, SALES, RENTALS, REFURBISHING
NEW BATTERIES
6 VOLT $430 $410 • 8 VOLT $595 $500
CROWN BATTERIES
6 Volt $500 • 8 Volt $550 • 12 Volt $615
TOTAL COST WITH TAX & FEES
18 MONTH WARRANTY ON ALL BATTERIES
SUMMER SPECIAL ONLY
One Color
Cart Painting
NEW SERVICE DONE AT OUR SHOP!
M O T O R S P E E D UP
S TAR TING AT
Won't Cook
I put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the
timer, a feature I hadn't used yet. Before leaving work
that afternoon, I phoned my 14-year-old son to ask
him to check the roast and peel some potatoes.
Minutes later he called back. "Mom, the roast isn't
cooked. The oven didn't come on." The roast was on
the menu again the following day, but this time, since
I stopped by the house after a business lunch, I decided to turn the oven on myself. Again before leaving
work, I called my son to check the roast and get the
potatoes started. Again he called me back. "The roast
still isn't cooked." "Listen," I said. "I know the oven's
on. I turned it on before I left. I didn't use the timer."
"Oh, the stove's working fine," he told me. "It's just
that the roast is still in the refrigerator."
The Senility Prayer
"Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked. The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference".
Pay Attention And Wise Up #9 WM
If the government's plan for getting people back to
work is to incentivize NOT working with 99 weeks of
unemployment checks and no requirement to prove
they applied but can’t find work ... you might live in a
country founded by geniuses but run by idiots.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
2
CHARLOTTE COMBS STONE
LAW GROUP, P.L.
Winter Haven
Sebring
Celebration
Basic Will: $100 • Living Will: $50
Power of Attorney: $95
Health Care Surrogate: $50
Single Trust Package: $795
ESTATE PLANNING & PROBATE
CONSULTATION: FREE
*314
863-439-4500
ATTORNEY
AT LAW
*in the offices of
Professional
Tax Consultants
Avenue K SE, Winter Haven, FL
www.StoneLawGroupFL.com
Licensed • Insured
& “LIGHTNING LOADER” DEBRIS REMOVAL
CLEAN - EFFICIENT - NO TRUCKS ON YOUR LAWN
THE BEST FOR LESS! ...TELL A FRIEND!
863-682-4235
863-370-6067
Definitely
Worth
The Ride!
Plant City Housing, LLC
New • Pre owned • Home & Land
Mobile • Manufactured • Modular
WE BUY USED HOMES
WE SELL THE #1 NEW HOMES
Delivery - Set Up - Financing Available
Located at Rte 60 & 39, Plant City, Florida
Since
1971
813-650-8100
ALLEN’S
Ron
Kurt
MOBILE HOME
TRANSPORT & SET UPS
RELEVELS
Retro-fits for FHA-VA Inspections
813-986-5961
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
VIKING
VIKING
USED
TOWING &
RECOVERY INC.
AUTO PARTS
We Sell Used
Lake Wales•Winter Haven
Bartow•Frostproof•Avon Park
24 HOUR ROADSIDE SERVICE
SHORT AND LONG DISTANCE TOWING
JUMP STARTS • LOCK OUTS • WINCHING
FLAT TIRES • FUEL DELIVERY
JUNK CARS • LOW BOY • FLAT BED
EQUIPMENT MOVING • SPECIAL REQUESTS
863-676-6298 863-676-0202
3
AUTO PARTS
& TIRES
863-207-6597•863-679-8969
1624 SR 60W, Lake Wales, Florida
I
N
K
G
I
VRECYCLING, INC
1624 SR 60W
LAKE WALES,
FLORIDA
863-679-8969
A FULL SERVICE SCRAP METAL RECYCLING FACILITY
WE BUY ALL KINDS OF METAL
•Catalytic Converters • Copper • Aluminum
•Aluminum Cans (UBC) • Junk Cars • Batteries
•Scrap Steel • Yellow Brass • Stainless Steel
•Transmissions • Engines •Sealed Units
•Alternator, Starters, Compressors, Radiators
WE OFFER PICK-UP SERVICE
member
Institute of Scrap
Recycling Industries, Inc.
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
4
POLK COUNTY’S MOST TRUSTED JEWELER SINCE 1953
10% OFF JEWELRY REPAIRS
10% OFF CERTIFIED JEWELRY APPRAISALS
25% OFF ALL JEWELRY IN STOCK
50% OFF ALL GRANDFATHER
CLOCKS IN STOCK
Not valid with any other offer. • Expires 8/31/13
943 EAST PARKER ST., LAKELAND, FL
863-686-3479
w w w . Fo s he eJ ew e le rs . co m
Biggest Liar
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the
room. The teacher asked, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answered, "We found a ten-dollar bill and
decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher.
"When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie
was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Cab Ride
On a business trip to India, I arrived at the airport
in Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was
greeted by my hospitable Indian host. The cab driver
requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the
fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to hand him the
money. But my host grabbed the bills and initiated a
verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless
parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to
overcharge visitors. My host threw half the amount at
the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi
sped off, my host gave me the remaining bills and
asked, "How was your trip?" "Fine ... until you chased
the cab away with my luggage in the trunk."
Helpful Mechanic
Taking my car to the mechanic, I was fearful that any
needed repair might be too expensive. I was relieved
when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.
Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless oranges?
Thank you for your trust for
over 60 years. C lyde Foshee
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
JACOBSEN HOMES
5
$58,900
FACTORY OUTLET MODEL CENTER
Finance Specialists - Land/Home,
Chattel,Land-In-Lieu, FHA, VA, Private Finance
ALSO OFFERING - Park Models. Trade-Ins & Repos
WE PAY CASH FOR USED HOMES ‘86 AND NEWER.
Price Includes, Set-Up, A/C, Skirting and Steps.
www.bennetthomesofbartow.com
Senior Personal Ads
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious bluehaired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow
who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,
shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are
the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids
out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with
original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare
steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still
like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and
still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy
chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and
listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday
through Thursday. If you can remember Friday,
Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage,
good condition, some hair, many new parts including
hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition,
but walks well.
$53,900
863-537-6063
145 S. Hankin Rd., Bartow, FL
“If you have a tree problem,
we have the solution.“
WE PRICE THE JOB
WE DO THE WORK!
S TU M P G R IN D I NG • T R EE TR I MM IN G
T R E E R E M O VA L • P R E S S U R E W A S H I N G
863-412-8649
QUICK AND RELIABLE SERVICE
LICENSED & INSURED
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
6
HIGHEST ENERGY EFFICIENT GLASS ON THE MARKET!
Beat the heat with made in america
NOW ON SALE!
W
I
N
D
O
W
S®
AFFORDABLE ENERGY EFFICIENT WINDOWS
LET IN THE LIGHT BUT KEEP OUT THE HEAT!
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ENERGY SAVINGS YEAR AFTER YEAR
NOW YOU CAN AFFORD A SCREEN ROOM .....NO MONEY DOWN
AND ONLY
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WOODEN DECKS * INSULATION PACKAGES * ROOF-OVERS
VINYL SIDING, SOFFIT & FACIA * VINYL/ACRYLIC/GLASS WINDOWS
RUGGED 2 AND 4-TRACK SCREEN SLIDERS FOR GARAGES
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RC 0049987 RR 0046367
WE WILL BEAT ANY COMPETITORS PRICE!
For A FREE Estimate Call Us Today!
CONSTRUCTION & ALUMINUM
Licensed • Bonded • Insured
~ In God
We Trust ~
Waiting For A Wheel Chair EJF
The Mechanic And The Doctor EJF
Walking into a hospital room, a nurse finds an
elderly gentleman dressed and sitting on the bed with
a suitcase at his feet. He insists to her that he doesn't
need help leaving the hospital, but the nurse explains
that hospital regulations require a wheel chair for
patients being discharged. Reluctantly, he lets her
wheel him to the elevator and down to the lobby. On
the way to the front door, the nurse asks the man if his
wife is meeting him there. "I don't know," he replies.
"She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of
her hospital gown."
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
A mechanic, was removing a cylinder head when he
spotted a heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon
was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his
bike. Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I
ask you a question?' The surgeon, a bit surprised,
walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his
hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I
also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new
parts and when I finish this will work just like a new
one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the
really big money, when you and I are doing basically the
same work?' The surgeon smiled and whispered in the
mechanic’s ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
7
USA QUALITY STEEL BUILDINGS
BARNS AND GARAGES
Only $3,820 +tax
Installed
Only $3,125 +tax
Installed
Only $9,985 +tax
Installed
Only 6,540 +tax
Installed
Carports and RV Ports Installed from $695
2 Car Garages Installed from $4,195
Special 5% Discount on Many Buildings
Remember, ”Bugs Don’t Eat Steel.”
CALL 863-978-8586
www.USABARNSANDGARAGES.com
THE HOME REPLACEMENT SPECIALISTS
HAINES CITY
Custom Homes
CALL MARK
TODAY!
FREE REMOVAL
OF YOUR
-OLD HOMEUSED HOMES IN STOCK
USED
2/2
Double Wide
Only $6,000
NEW
2/2 • Jacobsen
Open Floor Plan
Only $57,800
NEW
3/2 • 1,500 Sq Ft
Split Floor
Only $54,000
Mark
Today!
Call
34299 HWY 27, HAINES CITY, FL • 863-421-6400
Three Day Silence
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I
think it has something to do with what happened on
Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise
downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up,
wake up!" "What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are
burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna
casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" I said.
Pay Attention And Wise Up #2 WM
If children are forcibly removed from parents who
discipline them with spankings while children of
addicts are left in filth and drug infested “homes”...
you might live in a country founded by geniuses but
run by idiots.
Tell me Something Positive
A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The
wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking
a hard look at herself. "You know, love" she says, "I
look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is
all wrinkled, my chest is barely above my waist, and
my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my
arms are all flabby" She turns to her husband and
says... "Tell me something positive to make me feel
better about myself. He thinks about it for a bit and
then says in a soft voice..."well...there's nothing wrong
with your eyesight".
Justice - a decision in your favor.
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
8
WE ACCEPT ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS
OPEN EVERY DAY TO 12 MIDNIGHT THROUGH JULY 4
EVERYTHING
THE
AND OPEN 24 ALL
HOURS
JULYTIME!!!
3RD
FIRECRACKERS • BOTTLE ROCKETS
ROMAN CANDLES.........MORE
LOWEST PRICES IN PLANT CITY!
3 LOCATIONS TO SERVE YOU
TWILIGHT PACKAGE & LOUNGE
4010 EAST HWY 60 AT COUNTY LINE RD, PLANT CITY, FL
FAMILY BOWL
2250 HIGHWAY 92 EAST, PLANT CITY, FL
FIVE ALARM PARTY RENTALS
CORNER OF SR 60 AND MULRENNAN RD, VALRICO, FL
OPG’S MODERN MEDICINE
David Arango, M.D.
ORTHOPEDICS
& SPORTS
MEDICINE INSTITUTE
SPECIALIZING IN: Spinal Disorders
• Auto Accidents • Work Related Injuries
We Offer effective: Epidural Spinal Injections
• Facet Joint Injections • Trigger Point Injections
1120 Carlton Ave. Suite 1400, Lake Wales, FL
575 East Central Ave., Winter Haven, FL
1507 Lakeland Hills Blvd. Suite 107, Lakeland, FL
Page 9
GROUP, LLC
Gift certificates Tight or Sore
Muscles?
available!
By Appointment Only
1 Ho u r M e d i c a l M a s s a g e
4000
$
Reg $80.00
Mention OPG or Show ad.
Not valid with any other offer, Expires7/22/13
MA#19161
DEREK CLARK, LMT
18 YEARS EXPERIENCE
Keep Your Clothes On & Enjoy
A Half Hour Medical Massage
2500
$
Reg $50.00
Mention OPG or Show ad.
Not valid with any other offer, Expires7/22/13
319 First Street South, Winter Haven, Florida Mm#28599
Phone: 863 324-6100
Artis Bassett Hearing Aids
SALES & SERVICE
MELISSA K. CRAFT - HEARING AID SPECIALIST
OUR OFFICES ARE HOME TO
THE MOST ADVANCED
TECHNOLOGY IN THE REGION
FREE TESTS & EVALUATION
137 W. Hwy 60, Lake Wales, FL • 863-676-0616
HEALTHCARE
INSTITUTE
399
PHLEBOTOMY
Regular
$
Price
We Train, Test & Place
$1,800
LIMITED TIME OFFER!
OTHER PROGRAMS AVAILABLE
EKG Technician •Home Health Aide
Nursing Assistant • Pharmacy Technician
Medical Assistant • Patient Care Tech
• No High School Diploma Required • Approved for
Veterans’ Training • Financial Assistance Available
Grants • Scholarships • Easy Payment Plan
WORKFORCE APPROVED!
DAY & EVENING CLASSES OFFERED - CONTINUOUS RETRAINING
HANDS ON TRAINING - EXTERNSHIP
863-588-1941
1510 Lake Alfred Road
Lake Alfred, Florida
#3590
www.jjhi.net • www.polyhealthcare.com
FOR ALL YOUR MEDICARE INSURANCE NEEDS!
Call
Jewls Keene
KEENE INSURANCE
SOLUTIONS
Certified & Licensed 863-852-O525
# P106810
Mabel & Ethel
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about
Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've
got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered,
"I have? a suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now
I think I now know where my hearing aid is."
Friends for Decades
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had
been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at
me.....I know we've been friends for a long time but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what
your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least
three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
Day's Catch
A fisherman accidentally left his day's catch under
the seat of a bus. The next evening, the newspaper
carried an ad: "If the person who left a bucket of fish
on the No. 47 bus would care to come to the garage,
he can have the bus."
OPG’S MODERN MEDICINE
Page 10
7/22/13
7/22/13
Marvelously Mature
You finally know your getting
'Marvelously Mature when....................
......... You and your teeth don't sleep together. • You
try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and
discover you aren't wearing any. • When you wake up
looking like your driver's license picture. • It takes
two tries to get up from the couch. • When you're on
vacation and your energy runs out before your money
does.. • When all you want for your birthday is to not
be reminded of your age. • When you step off a curb
and look down one more time to make sure the street
is still there. • Your idea of weight lifting is standing
up. • Your address book has mostly names that start
with Dr. • You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it
going. • The pharmacist has become your new best
friend. • It takes twice as long, to look half as good. •
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. •
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they
were on your head the whole time. • You sink your
teeth into a steak and they stay there. • You give up all
your bad habits and still don't feel good. • You have
more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care
anymore. • You finally get your head together and
your body starts falling apart. You wonder how you
could be over the hill when you don't even remember
being on top of it.
"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath
7/22/13
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
TEXAS CATTLE
COMPANY
The Sign of Great Steaks!
11
WALK
IN
Play for as little as a quarter
1846/1848 James L. Redman Pkwy, Plant City, Fl
Open 6 Days (Closed Tuesdays) •
Doors Open 10am
813-752-2525
REGULAR GAMES BEGIN AT 11:30 AM
5 FREE GAMES BEGIN EVERY DAY AT 11 AM
Prime and choice Colorado grain
fed beef. Aged 4-6 weeks, hand cut
fresh everyday and cooked over an
open wood pit at 1,100 degrees...
......”Soooooooooo good!
NEW “VIP SUNDAYS” COME AND CHECK US OUT
SPEEDY AND SPECIAL EVERY HOUR
GUARANTEED $50 SPECIAL AT THE TOP OF EACH HOUR.
2 WINNER TAKE ALL GAMES [email protected] 3:00PM AND 9:00PM
3 $250 JACKPOTS DAILY @ 1:30 PM, 5:30 PM AND 8:30PM.
Reservations Suggested • 863-686-1434
FRIDAY & SATURDAY NIGHTS 9PM -?
735 E. Main St
Lakeland, FL
Visit us at:
www.texascattlecompany.net
BOLT BINGO
250
$
JACKPOT @ 11PM • FREE PIZZA
WITH A minimum NUMBER OF PLAYERS
You Were Warned
Noticing one of her students was making faces at
the other children in the playground, Ms. Smith
stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly,
the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a
child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, that it
would freeze and stay that way." Johnny looks up and
replies, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned."
Nail Biting
595 N. Broadway Ave.,
Bartow, Florida
863-534-1429
www.sonnysbbq.com
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One
day I told my husband about my latest solution: presson nails. "Great idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat
them straight out of the box."
Redneck Construction
Four rednecks in a pickup truck, drive to the local
lumberyard. One of the men walks into the office and
says, "We need to buy some four by two's." The clerk
says, "You mean two-by-four's, don't you?" Bubba,
says, "I'm not sure, I'll go check," and went back to
the truck to ask his brothers. He returns some time
later and says, "Yup, I meant two-by-fours." "Ok, Now
how long do you need them?" Again Bubba pauses for
a minute, and says, "I'm not sure, I better go check
with the family." After awhile, the redneck returns to
the office and says "We need long ones, we're gonna
build a house."
MUSIC & BINGO & LOTS OF FUN
Hard English
No wonder English is so hard to learn... foe example, We polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he
would get the lead out. A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. The present is a
good time to present the present. At the Army base, a
bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. The dove
dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The
insurance for the invalid was invalid. The bandage
was wound around the wound. They were too close to
the door to close it. The buck does funny things when
the does are present. They sent a sewer down to stitch
the tear in the sewer line. Needing help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too
strong to wind the sail. After a number of Novo-cain
injections, my jaw got number. I shed a tear when I
saw the tear in my clothes. I had to subject the subject
to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most
intimate friend? I spent last evening evening out a pile
of dirt. We drive on parkways and park on driveways.
Fore!
My 5-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my
brother's golf game. "You have to count my strokes,"
my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus
eight?" "Five." answered the nephew. "Okay," my
brother said, "let's go."






LIVE

Page 12

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Game promotions are subject to change. Please call for more information
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Daydreaming
The Math teacher notices that Johnny had been
day-dreaming for most of the class. To get his attention she says, "Johnny, if the world is 25,000 miles
around, and a dozen eggs are 90 cents, how old am I?
"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly. The
teacher who is all amazed, replies "Well, that's correct.
"Tell me,...how did you figure that out?" Oh, there's
nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen
and she's only half- crazy."
Pay Attention And Wise Up #3 WM
If hard work and success are met with higher taxes
and more government intrusion, while not working is
rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing and free cell phones ... you might live in
a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots.
Dog Bowl
A woman went to the counter to purchase a drinking bowl for her dog. The clerk asked, "Would you
like it inscribed 'For The Dog'?" "It doesn't really matter," she replied. "My husband doesn't drink water and
the dog can't read."
Tornado vs Redneck Divorce
What does a Tornado have in common with a
Redneck divorce. One way or another, someone is ing
to lose a trailer.
Old age ain't no place for sissies. * Bette Davis
1ST SECURITY
SELF STORAGE
DAVENPORT
BRING IN AD AND PAY NO APPLICATION FEE
EXPIRES JULY 22, 2013
25
2323 HOLLY HILL TANK ROAD • HWY 27
CALL US NOW!
863-424-3031
M O V E- I N $
S P E C I A LS
Moves You In On Up To A
10’ x 25’ For 1st Month’s Rent
Call for more savings! Must present ad or mention OPG
Not valid with any other offer. Expires 7/27/13
NO DEPOSITS!
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
Never Sick
Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day
in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case
of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got
Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the
skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially,
the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's
that?" she demanded. "If you need anything in the
middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns,
"just press that button." "What does it do, ring a bell?"
she asked. "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the
nurse on duty," the intern replied. "A light in the hall?"
responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around
here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she
can get up and switch it on herself."
Pay Attention And Wise Up #10 WM
If an 80-year-old woman can be stripped searched by
the TSA but a woman in a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched ... you might live in a
country founded by geniuses but run by idiots.
Shakespeare
Librarian to college football player: "May I help
you?" "I have to read a play by Shakespeare."
"Which one?" "William."
PAGE 14
LOOKING
FOR A
VEHICLE?
No Pressure!
Tell Me what You want
to pay per month!
Allow me to do the paperwork
on the vehicle you want.
No Worries!
Douglas J. Maynard
“The Guy in the Hat” 14 Years at
863-206-1511
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
15
THIS IS THE TIME OF THE
YEAR TO TREAT DADS
TO SOMETHING SPECIAL!
H IGHEST Q UALITY
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Hospital Stay EJF
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. " How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine,"
says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they
bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ...
and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing,"
he says, " I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra
on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes,"
replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him
a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed
Four Nurses EJF
Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor
they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant
jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break
and discussed what they had done to the doctor.
The first nurse said, "I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear." The second nurse said, "I
let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted
them all to read 106 degrees." The third nurse said,
"Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the
condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer." The fourth
nurse fainted.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly
used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs.
Turn Your Unwanted Items
into CA$H!
863-679-3600
O RANGE P EEL G AZETTE D ISCLAIMER
Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable....maybe. Accuracy however is another thing. All humorous stories and jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any group or
individuals. If anyone is offended by any content herein -“get over
it”. If you would like to contribute we take money or if you prefer
jokes, make sure they can be cut and pasted computer-like. I don’t
type. Any political leanings construed from any material herein is
your hang up, This publication is neither Republican, Democrat,
Green, Fascist, Communist, Socialist, Theocratic, Chocolate, Vanilla
or Strawberry. However the Orange Peel Gazette is anti-stupidity
(self serving Politicos for example, liberals and anyone else agreeing with Obama or,....people who call or write or email me cause I
made a spelling errrorr. If you feel the need to correct me - Don’t, I
don’t care.) Hey, it could all be your fault or George Bush’s.... ask
Obama, he thinks so ... it’s on his teleprompter ...ask him... Enjoy!!!!
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
AIRPORT
INTERNATIONAL
16
TRANSPORTATION
863-214-8139
SERVING ALL CENTRAL FLORIDA AIRPORTS
Cash or
Credit Card
Drop off & Pick up • Reasonable rates
Also Available for Local Transportation
in the Sebring Area - Appointments, etc.
TYNER’S & SON
LICENSED •BONDED
INSURED
ROOFING
Lic. CC-C058194
“QUALITY WORKMANSHIP AT FAIR PRICES”
•
RESIDENTIAL • COMMERCIAL
A LL T YPES OF R OOFING
Mobil home roof over
Re-Roofing • repairs • built-ups
Need a Raise!
The basketball coach stormed into the university
president's office and demanded a raise right then and
there. "Please," protested the college president, "you
already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I
have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He
went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was
jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and
see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the
jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not
there, sir," he reported. "See what I mean?" the coach
said, scratching his head. "He could have phoned!"
Personal Calls
One caller to our answering service gave me his
name, number and message and then said, "You know
my name. What's yours?" "4136," I replied, since we
were allowed only to give our operator numbers.
Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by
your first digit, or would that be too personal?"
Pay Attention And Wise Up #8 WM
If your government believes that the best way to
eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more ...you might live in a country founded by
geniuses but run by idiots.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help...after it bites your leg off.
863-665-0062
MARKET WORLD
HWY 92, JUST WEST OF AUBURNDALE
FRI, SAT & SUN 8AM-4PM
THE ULTIMATE FLEA & FARMERS MARKET
www.intlmarketworld.com
FREE
free ice cream
ALLIGATOR with purchase of a meal at the
Double dragon Restaurant
DISPLAY
must present ad • expires july 28. 2013
Professional Tax
Consultants, Inc.
A Firm of Enrolled Agents
Federal - Any State - Business
INCOME TAX PREPARATION
“Tax Season Unlike Any Other Season....Never Ends”
Professional Tax Consultants...Always in Season
Open Monday - Friday 9am to 6 pm
Winter Haven
Lakeland
314 Avenue K SE
2054B E.Edgewood Dr
863.294.5462
863.669.9690
& BU S I N E S S C E N T E R
LOWES T PRICES IN P OLK COUNTY
All Units - Air Conditioned
All Units - Indoors
sTORAGE uNITS
starting
at
$15
OFFICE SPACE AVAILABLE
863-439-1505
/mO
US HWY
Shell
27
EZ
Dundee Rd
Hardee’s
www.ezstorageandbc.com
Space
3200 sq ft Commercial
Nice Office/Retail/Storage
620 DUNDEE ROAD, DUNDEE, FL
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
10%
OFF
Exp 7/10/13
ABOVE GROUND
POOL REMODELS
NEW INSTALLATIONS • LEAK DETECTION
LINERS REPAIRED & LINER REPLACEMENTS
NEW FILTER REPLACEMENTS & SAND CHANGES
ABOVE GROUND POOL COVERS & PILLOWS
17
By ISMAEL COTTO
SERVICES E3x5peYrEiAenRSce
Residential • Commercial
Foam • Fabric •Verticals • Boats
Wall Upholstery • Lambrequins
A-F-A-B Pools, Inc•863-514-0322
WE DO REPAIRS 863-968-6488
EPISCOPAL CATHOLIC APARTMENTS
GREAT FLORIDA INSURANCE
AUTO • BOATS
HOMEOWNERS
MOTORCYCLES
FREE ESTIMATES
CPO Certified & Insured
[email protected]
AFFORDABLE EFFICIENCY
&1 BR APARTMENTS*
500 Ave L NW, Winter Haven, FL
62 YEARS OR OLDER
Laundry Facilities • Electric & Water Incl.
A non-denominational community, centrally
located near downtown Winter Haven
convenient to shopping, transportation
and medical services
863-299-4481 • TTY 1-800-955-8771
*HUD income Guidelines Apply
EQUAL HOUSING OPPORTUNITY
863-859-7927
2614 Lakeland
Hills
Blvd,FL
5525 US Hwy
98 N, Lakeland,
Lakeland, FL
LOCATED IN THE STRIP MALL
JUST SOUTH OF THE POST OFFICE
Blizzard EJF
AMERICAN
INDIAN
ARTIFACTS
Call863-289-1837
Traders Pawn
2880 Havendale Blvd.,Winter Haven, FL
863-967-3933 • 863-967-5653
Got Gold?
WE PAY
CASH!
Mon-Fri
9AM-6PM
Saturday
9AM-5PM
GREAT PRICES ON ELECTRONICS, DVDS,
POWER TOOLS, JEWELRY AND MORE
www.traderspawnshop.com
There was a traveling salesman whose car became
hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard
in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to
the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally
reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old
farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to
spend the night. 'Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a
place to bunk,' said the hospitable old man. 'But, I ain't
got no daughter like ya always hear about in them thar
jokes.' 'Oh!' said the salesman. Then thinking a moment
or two said, 'Just how far is it to the next farm?'
Harrowing Experience LP
This morning on Circle Drive, I looked over to my
left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac
doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view
mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a
couple seconds...to continue shaving and when I
looked back she was halfway over in my lane! ...still
working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric
shaver which knocked the donut out of my other
hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out
the car using my knees against the steering wheel, It
knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs! Splashed, and burned
and ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers and
disconnected an important call! Women Drivers!
T e l l m e , W H AT ’ S a h O M E W I T H O U T A P E T ?
Nico Male 1 Year
Domestic Shorthair Mix
Voted Best-All-AroundFeline by SPCA Florida staff
and volunteers, you're sure to
fall head over heels in love
with me! My name is Nico and
I'm patiently waiting for you...
Pepe Male 4 Years
Domestic Shorthair Mix
Pepe is just the cat you have
been looking for! A self-proclaimed couch potato, he has
moderate activity and vocalization levels, but is mostly
mellow. Visit Pepe today!
Dixie Female 2 years
Black-Mouth Cur Mix
Curious and energetic, Dixie
won over SPCA Florida staff
when she became a K-9 Blood
Donor, helping another doggie
in need. This beautiful girl is
talkative and protective.
Ariel Female 1 year
Shepherd Mix
You know what your household needs? A professional
greeter! And Ariel is just the
lady for the job! She wants to
be the center of your world.
You’ll love to watch her play.
863-646-7722
www.lovemyspca.com
NOW OPEN 7 DAYS
5850 Brannen Rd S, Lakeland, FL
From This.......
18
The Constitution is the guide I
will never abandon.
~George Washington~
.......................to this
The Constitution? Hey, it’s just a piece of paper.
2008 TO THE PRESENT........
The United States of America enduring the
ERA OF EMBARRASSMENT
I can’t stand the Democrats and I have no use for
the Republicans. Just about all of them are self
ordained demigods above reproach. I can honestly say
that I can’t sense an honorable person among them.
Maybe there are a few, but they are trivialized by
those of the power class who care more about themselves and less about the present and future of our
beloved country. Look at the the sacrifice and courage
of our founding fathers then and at the shenanigans of
Barry and the Bolsheviks now. But,....who cares? I do.
ALUMINUM and CONCRETE
NEW CONSTRUCTION • ADDITIONS • REMODELING
ROOF - OVERS • CARPORTS • GARAGES • AWNINGS
Office: 863-967-9776 Fax: 863-984-6853
CONSTRUCTION
Lic # CBC1259246
FREE
ESTIMATES
" FASTER REFUNDS MORE ACCURATE FILING"
IRS EXTENSION DEADLINE CHANGE TO 9/15/13
BACKED BY 33 YEARS EXPERIENCE
319 Third Street NW Winter Haven, FL
DOWNTOWN IN THE
OLD TIME SQUARE BUILDING
863-293-1413 • Se Habla Español
BRUCE SANDERS
767 CYPRESS GARDENS BLVD
WINTER HAVEN
[email protected]
MASTER
ELECTRICIANS
Over 25 Years Experience.
Quality Affordable Work from the
Best Electricians in Polk County
863-969-8811
s
Best Cut
BARBERSHOP
$1 OFF Haircut w/ad
Mon-Fri 8-5:30 • Sat 8-2
213 AHVENUE
O SW
OPE PLAZA
WINTER HAVEN, FL
863-293-9433
HEART TO HEART Fabrics
License# ER13013944
& More
SEWING MACHINE SALES & SERVICE
237 Ave. O SW, Winter Haven, FL
M o n , W e d - F r i 9 - 5 • Tue 9-7•Sat 9-1
863-298-8185
1103 W. Circle St., Avon Park, FL
1 0 - 4 W e e k d a y s • Th 10-7•Sat 10-2
863-453-3100
MAYER JEWELERS
Our 40th Year
WE CAN USE YOUR
OLD GOLD
WE REPAIR ALLTYPESOFJEWELRY
WE MAKE JEWELRY
863-676-1317
FREE JEWELRY INSPECTIONS
201 E. STUART AVE, LAKE WALES, FL
LAKELAND
TIRE & AUTO
95
$
4 USED TIRES
+tax
& labor
316 N. CANAL AVE.
LAKELAND, FL
863-686-2274
Page19
CA$H
CONNECTION
PA WN S HOP
BUY•SELL•TRADE
DUBOSE
INSURANCE
AGENCY
Lakewales-pawnshop.com
“WE BUY GOLD & SILVER”
AUTO-HOME-MOBILE HOME
LIFE-COMMERCIAL-TRUCKS
214 Domaris Ave, Lake Wales, FL
322 S. FIRST ST
LAKE WALES, FL
Diamonds • Jewelry • Rifles
Hand guns • Shotguns
863-676-4514
POWELL A/C & HEAT
SALES • SERVICE
MAINTENANCE
REPAIR
Residential • Commercial
NEW
INSTALLATIONS
863-293-5046
State Certified CAC 1815469
“FOR ALL YOUR
INSURANCE NEEDS”
863-676-9000
unior’s
Fish Market
WIDE SELECTION
OF YOUR
FAVORITE FISH
1341 SR 60 East
Lake Wales, Florida
863-678-FISH
Orange Peel Gazette
620 Hwy 542 Suite 3
P.O. Box 1631, Dundee, FL 33838
863-438-8007
Email: [email protected]
PUBLISHERS, EDITORS, JANITORS
ROBERT AND LINDA ARCHETTO
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES
Norman Roy • Delton Hayes
Byron Sleepe • Mark Cohen
Warren Brown
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS
GUTTERS
PAPA JOHN RISENERS CUSTOM 6”
SEAMLESS GUTTERS • UNDERGROUND
DRAIN • VARIETY OF COLORS
Forget the rest • Go with the Best
863-858-1368 • SENIOR DISCOUNT
E S TAT E S A L E S
WE DO ALL TYPES OF ESTATE SALES
DOWNSIZING, LIQUIDATIONS, MOVING. YOUR
PLACE OR OURS, FLEXIBLE PLANS AND PRICING.
CALL LANGAR LLC ESTATE SALES:
863-967-8630
Ernie Finocchio • Ron Yost
Elizabeth Archetto
SOME OF THE HUMOR HEREIN IS DERIVED FROM
LIBERAL, PROGRESSIVE & POLITICAL STUPIDITY
EXEMPLIFIED IN POLITICOVILLE, USA.
CONSTITUTIONALISTS WANTED
theorangepeelgazette.com
NO SOCIALISTS ALLOWED
Next issue July 8, 2013
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
SPECIALIZING IN
ALL AUTOMOTIVE &
RV REPAIR NEEDS
55 FT CUSTOMIZED PAINT BOOTH
ELECTRICAL HOOK UPS!!
SERVICE INCLUDES
SATELLITES•REFRIGERATION•PROPANE
BODY SERVICE INCLUDES
ROOFS•COLLISION•BODY REPAIR•PAINT
3650 Havendale Blvd.
Winter Haven, Florida
863-967-5463
Visit Us on the Web: hitechautosrv.net
WEBUYAND SELL TEEN
& YOUNG ADULT CLOTHING.
platosclosetbayareaflorida.com
SELL US YOUR
SHORTS, T’S
TANKS & JEANS
Do Your
Spring Cleaning
And Turn
Your Clothes
Into Cash!
$5
OFF
$30
$10OFF
$50
ANY
ANY
PURCHASE
PURCHASE
Offer expires 7/7/13. Valid at below locations.
Excludes sale merchandise, gift cards,
reward cards and prior sales.
Offer expires 7/7/13. Valid at below locations. Excludes sale merchandise, gift
cards, reward cards and prior sales.
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK!
LAKELAND
4525 S. FLORIDA
CARROLLWOOD
10009 N. DALE MABRY
WESLEY CHAPEL
1926 BRUCE B. DOWNS
(Behind Winghouse)
(Linebaugh/Dale Mabry)
(Across from Wire Grass Mall)
(Providence & Lumsden)
Mon-Sat 10am-9pm
Sun 12am-7pm
(in Britton Plaza)
863-648-0000
BRANDON
1991 W. LUMSDEN RD
813-341-1991
813-968-8383
813-994-7770
S.TAMPA
3924 S. DALE MABRY
813-289-3333
20

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